#did you know i made this side blog back in 2018 and it only has 123 posts

[de-adend-archived]

de-adend -> de-adend-archived o7 so long!

[thetobiroppofan]

one piece rant #3: ugly men who i HATE.

hello little tumblr people who i DONT!!!!!!!!!!! care about i havent been here in a hot second but this isnt a professional blog i am insane and this is an illusion you're all just living in my head anyways hello new post from me THE tobiroppo fan.

id go on a rant abt myself but this aint about me this is about the ugly men i HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

starting off with an agreeable one: THAT FUCKASS PURPLE HAIRED GUY FROM WANO

OROCHI WHEN I CATCH YOU YOU BIG HEADED FUCK. I WILL TEAR OUT THOSE BIG ASS FRONT TEETH YOU GOT LIKE A DENTIST WHO JUST STARTED HIS JOB. NOT TO MENTION HOW YOU BUILT LIKE A WHOLE HANK HIPOOPAPOKGUHUD IDK HOW TO SPELL HIS NAME

wyd when he and twin pull up cause me personally im getting registered to the psych ward

next one

this is the part where im glad to be a small oh little humble tumblr blog yes thats me cause

he has a bigass forehead

i can play tictactoe on that thing

not to mention those weird ass shades like go back to the dollar store and return those please they look horrible.

that fuckass haircut dont do you no good either please dye ur hair uglyuglyugly

also this applies to most one piece men but i feel like his neck is massive like way to massive like if i tried to chop his neck itd genuinely be stopped by the amount of mass doflamingo has and shockingly he isnt the only one

eustass kidd i love you but

What is this. he looks like hes buried

in the sand

he dont look real

im scared

like

i LOVE YOU eustass kidd like yk i like loud angry characters but

he scares me with that neckgame like thats thicker than those dark oak minecraft trees :(

next one is a bit controversial as well since. i am mutuals with a enjoyer of this char on tt and i dont think thye have my tumblr cause we never talked before nd i dont think they know the lore behind lobotomylegendchick4 but

The love hate relationship I have with this disgusting ill strucken poor old geeer is more bipolar than a 2018 x reader enemies to lovers fanfic between a guy from a kpop fan

because one day i wake up from my super cozy fluffy bed with my AMAZING trafalgar d water law bootleg plushie staring coldly into my eyes with that stupid fucking face

and i think "man..

I hope Caesar Clown gets his nuts torn off by a rabid dog." and then i go downstairs and trip while walking down and hit my head on the side of the coffee table and have a trip to the ER that lasts 2 days and i miss the release trailer of the new youtooz figures of mihawk arlong and buggy.

only part of that is a lie. you can figure it out.

Other days I wake up and I look at that one fucking pinterest progile that LOVES caesar clown and i think "maybe he isnt that bad" then i remember oh yeah hes morally terrible cause he experimented on kids then i turn and stare at doffy stans for like 5 minutes then think "child experimentation, doflamingo, or the things i see out of the corner of my eye that might be hallucinations cause im probably slowly losing it" then i get distracted by the feeling of

HUNGER.

i am hungry now

THANKS TUMBLR.

YOU MADE ME HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

last part before i post this and hope the doflamingo and caesar stans dont find me and jump me and leak my address

so in the end

I actually hate a lot of ugly men

but at the moemnt i cant think of one specifically to end this about

tldr: I hate 4% of men in one piece and get hungry and sidestory: I think there is a wasp in my room however maybe im just seeing things its 1:47 am and ive forgotten when i woke up

thanks for reading tumblr blog maybe i did go insane but hey

thetobiroppofan is nothing but a humble small tumblr blog

if i go insane spread my legacy my average 2 viewers on each post

th.thank yo.

snif

sniffele.

han.thank.you.

see you guys in

some day

thetobiroppo fan out

[cursedpinterest]

ed tw

i'd argue that the waifspo/coquette stuff is more of a branch off of thinspo/edblr than a reincarnation, if only because it's almost the exact same posts, photos, memes, etc, just with different tags. argubly, its even an evolution of it

unfortunately, I was on edblr for a long time (2014--2020), so i sorta witnessed the gradual evolution from triggering posts in self-contained tags to triggering but #aesthetic posts that were cross tagged. at first it was relatively mild--like cross tagging 'grungy thinspo' in the main grunge tag, etc.

but weirdly with the kpop boom of the late 2010s (esp 2018 and 2019) there was a big explosion of cross tagging into kpop fandom tags, and then into anime tags, and other """delicate pastel stuff""" as well as other aesthetic tags, esp dark academia and instagram it girls

there was always an uh 'market overlap' so to speak. like a lot of people would use anime characters or k/jpop stars as thinspo, but they never crossed tagged them before. they'd tag it like #anime thinspo or whatever, but not the name of over character along with it, yknow? i know right before the pandemic there was a migration from edblr to edtwt, plus since the beginning of tumblr edblr got a lot of their thinspo from pinterest. since cross tagging is more common on those sites maybe some users assumed it'd work that way on tumblr too?

so maybe the coquette nonsense is just a congealing of all that that leaked elsewhere online. that's just a guess though

sorry if this is too long. im not even sure why im telling you all this but ig since you have to deal with it a lot of the time you deserved some context. anyway, i love your blog

first i just wanna say im sorry you went through all of this, and i genuinely hope you are doing well 🫂

& yes i think you are correct with it being an evolution more than a reincarnation, i just couldn’t really think of a way to promptly describe it in the tags at the time. i luckily escaped from proana/ed spaces before i got onto tumblr, so i didn’t know much of edblr apart from the weird shit that escaped containment, for a lack of a better word, but once i started using pinterest more often after polyvore died, as many young people (esp girls) did, i saw a kind of rise in the “aesthetic” side that was probably, looking back, just thinly-veiled thinspo.

now i feel that the shit im seeing on tumblr with the coquette girls and the whisper pinterest girls is much more blatant, like im getting flashbacks to when i trolled proana forums, back before tumblr or pinterest were popular. although, im sure that kind of brazenness always existed, i just wasn’t as aware of it as i am now, probably bc i avoided that shit as much as possible, and now i kind am more perceptive to this shit i guess.

i know that waifspo is used instead of thinspo since it isn’t censored like thinspo is, so i feel like “waif” and “coquette” are recent labels that are attached to stealth ed content. pinterest has been trying to crack down on thinspo lately, but it’s just relabeled now to post about it sneakily. it’s sad that there are so many little thinspo dog whistles floating around since most social medias have cracked down on the obvious terms. i fear for the young people just now getting on the internet and potentially being brainwashed into this shit.

and re: the kpop thinspo, i made a post about that like a month or so ago but it’s truly darksided… like i got into kpop during the pandemic like a lot of people and every so often when i would look up content about groups i liked, i would see pictures of idols with captions like “omg weight goals” with proana hashtags. the saddest thing is that a couple of these idols have opened up about being forced into extreme diets by their companies, or how they developed eds bc of the industry, and ppl are still tagging pics of them looking unhealthily thin with “body goals” like it’s just such a blatant disrespect, they aren’t fans they’re fetishizing these idols suffering.

sorry for getting into it lol… i just have a lot to say, as im sure a lot of ppl who have also lived thru this do as well. but don’t apologize for this ask i really really appreciated it!!! i honestly think there needs to be more discussion about eds, specifically re: the online communities garnered around them and how they promote people to basically self harm, so yea, thank you for the ask💞

[butterflyrry]

https://www.tumblr.com/daisiesonafield-blog/652842632143372288/masterpost-of-all-the-times-miss-camille-rowe-has

To add: multiple times she posted about that damn ring within 1 week, close ups &stories showing it off, a few days later Harry was wearing it (so obviously staged). then all „organic fan pics“ of them „alone“ dropped all while 1 of her friends (1 specifically (Lauren cohen)) posted from same location & always quickly deleted her posts when people found out.safe to say that her friend took most of „organic fan pics“. Or the time she posted cows from out of a train to show off that she was in England🙄. Can’t forget that embarrassing „photoshoot“ of Harry taking pics with fans around New Year’s Day 2018 & holding her coat in every damn pic instead of her holding/wearing her coat herself (they were with Jeff/Winston’s) (coat she posted herself in end of December). how she never stayed at Harry’s place in London, bc she always was with her friends at a hotel/Airbnb (her friend posted multiple times). Or when she showed up uninvited to music cares thing when Anne celebrated her bday & everyone but her was wearing yellow flower crowns & she was just brought out to audience for 1-2 songs & then was gone again. Gemmas less then pleased face in one of Gemma’s friends story’s that night 😂. Can’t forget the way she was introduced on literal live radio before they even „started dating“. Or how Harry can go totally private & undercover to concerts (as he did so many times & we max got a blurry pic if that!) but at the Fleetwood Mac show back in 2017 we got 1000 pics & videos & not only that, got pap pics backstage with both!! oRgAnIc, huh?! Did I mention the times she „joined“ tour when he was the most busiest & literally didn’t have time? Example: beginning of November 2017. After music cares thing she was uninvited at, Harry kept his distance a bit & went on to tour Europe & looked more at ease than ever in last few months, also not wearing that red stunt ring. Then she turned up all of a sudden in Europe on tour after she had that insta meltdown (grocery shop bag photoshoot, insta story’s singing sott, wearing the necklace, most of her friends wearing somewhat Harry related costumes for Halloween etc) & of course posted about being in Europe! Harry had back to back shows: Berlin, Amsterdam, X factor Italy, Italy show & shenanigans there etc & X factor performance in UK. All those shows were within 5 days in a row! Traveling all over Europe! Yet she turned up & was gone like after UK X factor performance again (she had a shoot in LA, someone posted her being on set, meaning she had to leave right after his xfactor UK perform!) so why not turn up earlier when he actually had time? Or later when he was off again?? She didn’t attend any of his LDN or Manchester shows, not in 2017 nor 2018! Weird for being a „gf“ & missing out on ALL of his homeshows, huh? There’s so much more but I just wanted to show people how both (the Hamille and Holivia stunt) are really similar! The only difference is that the Hamille thing was to make it look more organic and consisted of mostly her trolling & announcing her whereabouts & introducing new stunt stuff „lowkey“ & to create a narrative for an album. Where’s the Holivia thing was right in our face yet Harry made sure she was not allowed to post directly about him. The few times cockburn tried, she had to take it down (pickle gate & his bday etc). Harry was obviously way more annoyed from Cockburn than he was from Camille, even though you can see that he didn’t mind Camille at the beginning & probably tried being friends, but this also changed the more annoying she got. not a coincidence that stunt stuff was changed & that Camille & O were allowed different things & that O moulded herself into a Camille lookalike after that Fine Line narrative… & I also KNOW that Camille saying she wished she could „tell her side of story“ doesn’t mean „Harry being an ass“ rather a NDA preventing her from spilling beans about PR stunt. She hoped to get more out of it publicity wise & after being made fun of or rather her new man in „cherry“ it’s not a surprise she wanted to tell the truth to look less of an asshole

Camille was before my time so I can’t speak to any of this. But I’m wondering why she’s suddenly being discussed again?

[golbrocklovely]

Hii! I just found ur blog and it’s amazing. I recently just got back into snc for the first time since 2018-19 and I was just wondering what drama went down with all the trap house members? And what’s going on with Stas? When I phased out for a bit they were all still friends and I had never heard of her lol. Thanks sm!! <3

i know i've made a post about this forever ago, but i can't seem to find it, so i'll use this as main post to explain everything that's happened. bc i get questions like this every couple months haha

this is most likely gonna be very long, so strap in.

there's also a couple asks i link in this one that explains further everything so... sorry for the additional reading lol

idk if you want an extended cut of this, aka know everything that's happened with their friends too and not just the trap house members, or just TH ppl only, but i'm gonna give you the extended version just so you know where everyone stands.

to make a long story short: they aren't really friends anymore. friendly? sure. and really that's only between colby-jake-corey. sam doesn't seem to really associate with any of their old friends.

this also expands to their old friends as well: they all seemed to be close up until around kat's or sam's bday of 2020. then things just changed.

a lot of the old friend group just stopped hanging around snc for some reason. or at least slowly disappeared from them and their content. no one knows for certain what happened, or if anything major did happen.

there seemed to be a lot of inner-personal fighting. like mike, kevin, and aryia aren't really friends anymore. kevin and aryia seem close still, but mike is completely removed from the group as a whole. i answered an ask a long time ago that explains what happened here. but in short: no one checked on mike when his mental health was bad, and thus he kinda just removed himself from the group. there also seemed to be a bit of separation happening prior when mike didn't move into the krac house - also known as the kevin, reggie, aryia, and cassie house.

that gets into the extended side of the friend group. to summarize that as to what they're all doing rn - kevin and aryia (i believe) live together now in la after aryia finally moved back from living away for awhile. cassie, reggie, and jillian (jake and reggie's younger sister) all live back in kansas now. xepher lives/lived in texas. her and griffin are together still.

as for the trap girls, none of them are really close with one another anymore. kat and xepher are still friendly (or were at one point). devyn and tara seem to still like one another i guess. i don't really pay attention to any of the girls if i'm honest. but just know that basically none of them talk to kat.

now for the actual trap house members. they all lived in apartments away from one another (minus jake and snc who all lived in the same building) and then in feb/march of 2020 they all moved into a mansion together. aaron has been on his own since they all moved out in 2019. idk what he's up to besides making random content on tiktok and doing random lives with corey sometimes.

so they all lived together in an la house, which snc told fans was in hawaii bc of the theming of the backyard. then by sept/nov of 2020 things changed. after that point, corey and jake ended up moving out by the next year.

let me get into what has happened with jake: jake had made some comments on livestreams about not being allowed to make loud noises. and it became clear as time went on that he felt like he couldn't be his "true self" in that house bc snc (or more likely sam) was telling him to calm it down. there was also a weird random comment he made about how it was unfair kat could do a music video in the backyard but jake couldn't do that (however… idk how true this comment is, both literally bc i never got to hear it myself and also figuratively bc i don't see how snc would have been against him doing one at the house). what i believe to be the case is that once snc went from being roommates to landlords (bc they OWNED the house, not rented it) they probably forced a bit more rules on corey and jake and that made them upset to some degree. bc for some reason them not being allowed to trash the house they were living in was upsetting??? idk.

jake moved out into his own house. he started collabing with the knj crew (a lot of the old snc crew moved on to collab with the knj crew), started a twitch streaming group called the camboys with jc. he's still dating tara. and he just recently moved into a house with johnnie gilbert and someone else and they have a music group together called ghost house. he's also really into serial killers and makes content out of owning shit they used to have so… do with that info as you will.

now onto corey: corey tried to have a lot of ppl over in the DEEPEST parts of the pandemic, and i think snc weren't cool with that. especially having random strangers over, not even main friends. it also didn't help that corey was travelling back and forth from la to florida all the time. he mentioned he wanted to move out bc he felt like he was stuck and the main reason he moved to la in the first place was bc he wanted to make music and be a dj and shit like that. he also mentioned briefly that he had a bit of an addiction problem, and he felt that moving out and getting a fresh start would help him. he ended up moving in with elton. and hasn't really made all that much music so…. idk what that's about. he mostly just collabs with devyn (who he broke up with briefly at one point) and elton.

the reason why a lot of us don't like corey is bc of his collaborations with elton on overnight and tfil. to get an understanding on that, read this ask that goes into what elton has done over the last couple years. this ask and this one too also go into more stuff he has done.

but to make it very brief: snc did a series called 25x25 where they were bucket list making/doing, elton felt like they were copying him, and bc of that he became extremely petty towards them. and he's still doing that to this day. like, going so far to block snc's name from the comment section of his videos (even one where he collabed with corey and aaron). and mind you, snc didn't actually copy him. so………… yeah.

as of rn, snc seem to be friendly with jake and corey but aren't as close as they once were. jake and corey are still close. jake supported colby when he announced he had cancer. pretty much everyone came out of the woodwork to wish colby well, except corey. so personally, i don't like him even if colby still does.

as for stas…. oh boy. there's a lot there.

stas is a friend of kat's, that she knows bc they were on the same record label at one point. stas appeared in 2019 a couple times to hang out with kat, but didn't fully become a friend of snc's until 2021. she went on one or two 25x25 trips with them, and then also was in a couple videos with them for their haunted stuff when they went back to that. she became her most prominent in 2022, when they all started collabing/hanging out with one another often and going on multiple trips. they all dubbed the group 'the core four'.

the reason some of us don't like her is bc she has done some questionable things over the years. apprently, even way back in 2019, she was talking about snc/colby like she was besties with them even tho that wasn't the case. she used to answer fans' questions about him, like what he smelled like and shit like that. but things really didn't start picking up with her until 2021/2ish

i have a whole post here that explains all of that. it also talks about shea too, but you can skip over that if you don't care.

so…. that's everything, i think. there's probably a bit more i can explain if you need me to, but otherwise this is everything i can think of off the top of my head.

welcome back to the circus, i guess lol

[jonnysinsectcatalogue]

Bull Bush-Cricket - Polysarcus denticauda

Success! The identity of this insect has (probably) been discovered!

This large green specimen has a lot of color variability between individuals, with patterns along the back, pronotum and legs. From what I gather, freshly molted individuals begin green and gradually gain darker patterning as they age as hopping adults. This seems to documented more so to the males, with females remaining green. Despite the range of colors and patterns, there is a key marker: a very faint triangular patch near the forceps at the rear (see Picture 1 for the closest view. Speaking of the forceps, there is a small spike between the forceps (the tip appears broken off) but this specimen is actually a male. The rear spike may be similar to ovipositor in terms of structure but likely performs an entirely different function since only females lay eggs. Females have tiny cerci and below that a long, blade-like ovipositor similar to the Drumming Katydid in this post but curved more sharply. Interestingly, this green giant lacks long forewings with its reduced yellow hindwings visible. It likely won’t fly to nearby food sources in the fields and mountains, but luckily it has those large back legs to launch if necessary. Don’t judge the small wings too harshly yet however, as they are still capable of producing a stridulation song. If you’re curious what it sounds like, the very beginning of the Black-Legged Meadow Katydid’s song is similar but with a softer click intensity (compare to this video post).

This showcase was one of the first sets of images uploaded to this blog, but I didn’t know what it was. To paraphrase myself from years ago: it was found in the mountains near Brașov during a visit to my extended family in Romania. It definitely has the build of a Katydid (Bush-Cricket) without question, even its lacks large, leafy wings. I thought it could be a female as there appeared to be a broken ovipositor at the end of the abdomen, but I wasn’t certain. Finally, based on its large size, coloration and lack of wings, I made an amateur guess to that this Orthopteran likely belonged to the genus Isophya. After many sessions of searching out what this gorgeous Gigahopper could be based on physical characteristics and geographic range, I have the answer! It is a male sickle-bearing (or round-headed) Katydid I’ll tell you what I’ve learned along the way, but I’m going to reveal the biggest setback with hopes you don’t do the same: searching in the wrong genus. I was so committed to Isophya that I ignored the other genera for some time.

Secondly, I had also neglected to consider variability between individuals, and as such, every trail turned to a dead end...until a certain detail emerged from staring at these pictures and cross-referencing with others. Compared to Isophya Katydids, this specimen’s pronotum shield was elongated and curved on the sides in an elongated “W” shape! This clue is what tipped me off and tasked me to extend my range upwards and search through the Katydid subfamily Phaneropterinae (sickle-bearing/round-headed) named for the exposed (shortened) hindwings. They are quite prominent across Europe and Asia, and Isophya is a genus within of that subfamily. Searching through new resources, I started hovering around the Poecilimon genus since they had a similar build to Gigahopper...but none of the European species I was able to find had the the right pronotum nor did they have faint lines running along the legs (see Picture 2). When I dug a little deeper I finally found the right genus: Polysarcus - Bull Bush Crickets! While individual variability is still a concern of mine for the specie, I’m confident that this Katydid gentleman firmly belongs in the Polysarcus genus.

This was a previously unidentified insect originally posted on Oct 23, 2018 whose picture was taken on August 3, 2011 in Romania with a Samsung Galaxy Glide. Truly now, Gigahopper is glorious! A special thank you to GrasshoppersofEurope.com for their comprehensive Orthopteran image sets.

[fishfacedterror]

Wow, its been a really long time, huh?

Tumblr has kiiiiiiinda lifted their weird ban, which is. Kinda good, but thats not really what im focused on right now. At least not in this post. More than my feelings on that, i feel like i aught to communicate where ive been and whats been happening, to anyone who is still maybe interested in me/this blog. Just a general and relatively quick update bc I Control The Amount I Share and Dont Feel Like Repeating Stuff

TL;DR

been on a side blog for past 4 years w/ rp main. U can find the sideblog here. Probably gonna let this blog be a relic of a bygone era, but the username is still important to me so im gonna keep it with me going forward.

also went to cohost bc shits kinda fucked and they seem alright. We’ll see if it gains any traction or if it ends up in the flux pillowfort did

I have graduated from University now! Im a smart lad who (hopefully) will get to apply their studies soon, but for now is just doing The Grind. I also moved out on my own and proved to myself i can be independent. Also nice! Ive also had 2 (two) mental health crisis’s over the last four years and that really sucked! Luckily I’m okay now, and have good ppl around me if I ever get sick again, but hopefully not ever again. Or at least as bad.

As for my presence on this Webbed Site, I actually have been here consistently even after the ban, just not on this blog. Idk, thats what happens when you can only choose 1 main blog to be logged into at a time, and I chose my rp blog. Funnily enough i ended up making a side blog to reblog and post rp unrelated things to, and it has for better or for worse become the successor to this here blog. You can find it here if you’re interested! Again, its a side blog so im kinda limited on everything i can do there, but its still me!

As for this blog specifically, I’m not really inclined to Come Back to it; however the URL is still pretty important to me. I an STILL fishfacedterror, and have been on twitter up to this point, and plan to be into the future until I get run off by a bunch of pandas or whatever. I may turn this blog into an archive of my 2010s, changing the URL to reflect that, then reuse the URL as a places hub for all my stuff. Or maybe not! Who knows! If I do Come Back to this blog instead of making it into an archive of my ego im gonna have a lot LOT LOT of housekeeping to do. 2018 me and 2022 me are 4 years apart!

I also made a cohost for myself, if that interests you all too! Its kinda like tumblr 2, though not everyone is on there just yet fir better or for worse. Kinda reminds me of the days where everyone did a big exodus from deviantArt for tumblr.

agh, good ol days.

anyway, this update post has been long enough so I’ll put in a TL;DR at the top so you dont have to feel bad abt scrolling past. Or blocking me for suddenly making a long rambling post out of the blue. I Do Not Care

anyway, shits been real and it keeps on coming!

[realfactsnlogic]

on apologizing, grovelling and sympathy-fishing

This is a bit of a trauma-dump. But this is my blog and I do what I want with it. And I also want to share my story to the world.

In this post I will talk about my uneasy history and strained relationship with apologies and forgiveness.

Note to self: Share this with the therapist. This is a juicy topic.

CW: I will be talking about abuse I went through as a child (physical, emotional, emotional neglect). Please love and care for yourselves and don’t read if you feel this will bother you.

Then

I was probably 3 or 4 years old. I don’t remember doing this--I don’t have the photographic memory of it burned into my brain, but apparently I hit some kid. My mom took me home, stood me on a chair so that I could reach her height--

And she slapped me. I was in tears, in that ‘child sobbing’ voice, trying to repeat what she tells me.

Something like, “(name), I am sorry.”

Of course, when you’re talking to a child, you need to break the sentence down into pieces. 

So it was more like, “(name) -- I am -- sorry.”

Between those dashes, I would repeat what she said.

The day after that, I literally forgot what she told me.

So when I went back to school, she took me to a rug where the kid was and got me to recite what she told me. I couldn’t remember, so I repeated what was prompted.

I don’t have this memory unless I’m in a certain state. Sometimes I don’t think it’s mine. I still need to accept that regardless of anything, I did it. I did it in this body, so this memory should be considered mine.

There was another incident like this:

In Kindergarten, one end of recess, I followed my friend group back to the building. I did not know that they hid some kid--one that was way older than us, but very sensitive. He might have been of a protected classification, I think. But that’s none of my business. Anyways, my friends had to line up and shake his hand, saying “I’m sorry, Aaron” (was that his name?)--but I, stubborn I, would refuse to. I remained on the couch and shook my head because I did not hit this kid. Still, I walked with these friends and so I pay their consequences.

I actually wrote about this incident in high school. I’ll see if I can dig up the full story to post about it here.

There’s more to this. About how I got M-RTU’d in 2016 because I couldn’t handle too much collective punishment, about how I fucked up real bad with a small fandom in 2018, so on and so forth.

From what I learned in therapy, childhood memories are factors in tendencies in adulthood.

Now

So as I grew up, these memories and other factors made a ‘person’ (more like a dead man walking) who has the reputation of being hard on himself. Yet, he remains to be a hard worker. He’s all about that Sigma Male Grindset, all about that T Guy Swag...but something about him is always missing. Always off. And we wouldn’t know until the bad things happen, and then we start calling him selfish.

All of these are true. Almost. They’re only true if you refuse to hear his side of the story.

“WAH WAH! I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT!”(Or: The Part Where I Look Like I’m Self-Victimizing)

I’m almost always the first one who’s apologizing (which is fine, if I know I started it). When people come to me to apologize, what apologies do I get back? Short sentences when I deserve paragraphs. Okay, that’s a little entitled, but I’d rather get an insight on their feelings in the moment and their intentions than...whatever the hell I got.

I don’t do “short and sweet”. I do “long and bitter”. I was taught that to apologize, you have to name your wrongdoings and either offer a way to rectify it (if appropriate, otherwise make a small promise of stopping a habit and how). No asking for anything, not even for forgiveness itself, not even for the deletion of things you made for each other.

The fact that my values don’t align with some people says and said a lot about how I conducted myself around people I once considered a friend until they didn’t want me to anymore.

Then again, they don’t owe me anything. They don’t need to walk me through the whole process of their wrong doing like I did (albeit without their consent. I have a habit of over-explaining.)

People who really don’t like you aren’t worth your time trying to please. I had to learn that the hard way. I also had to learn that I have to accept people’s opinions of me, regardless of the negativity--not to wallow in the negative ones, but to either move on from them (if destructive) or learn from them (if constructive.)

And in this case? It feels like the middle. I know I can’t change those opinions. That’s fine. I don’t need or have to do the work to convince that change. Change is a choice and it’s their choice as to change their opinion of me.

What Craving External Validation Does to MFs (Or: The Part Where I Attempt to Get Introspective)

Let’s not get started on how I have difficulty forgiving myself. Especially when I knew I was at fault for an occasion. Even if other people forgave me, I couldn’t forgive myself.

That’s what craving external validation does to mfs.

Just as how I’d have unusual methods of self-harm, I had an unusual method of sympathy-fishing via self-victimization. Before I go into that, however, I will say I have engaged in classical self-victimization ala “i’m gonna tell everyone i know what happened so i can get their sympathy!” or “i’m gonna put passive-aggro lyrics in my Discord status to show these mfs how i feel!” and whatever else I can’t think of in the moment.

The “going around telling everyone” thing is really done with the intention of getting different opinions, actually. Still, two things can be true at the same time. So I can understand where outsiders come from when they say I look like I’m self-victimizing. And they’re right. It does appear like that regardless of intent. Also, nobody likes a broken record.

This time, however, the way I went about self-victimization/sympathy-fishing was different. I’m still trying to wrap my head around how self-demonization counts. I think I have an idea, where it’s like: “Wah, it’s all my fault! You should pity me now.”

I acted like I was the villain for everything. I acted like everything was my fault, whether I really did anything or not. In my mind, inaction is action. I let my guilt and shame take over whenever I start craving that sympathy fix.

Hell, I wasn’t even thinking that the kind of attention I wanted was sympathy. Then again, how would you know when you’re at an unstable state?

Conclusion

If any readers stumble upon this, and feels it is familiar: maybe it is--for you.

And if you read this and know (almost) exactly what I’m talking about: What are you doing on my page, and I will once again apologize. Perhaps a thousand times.

I can wait 1000 years to be apologized to and much more to be forgiven, no matter how severe the damage. But some people can’t and that’s okay.

Fuck this shit, I’m gonna play a different game now.

[spudnikgames]

Devlog Prelude

Honestly did not expect to be back on Tumblr since the great Tumblr Sundering of 2018! (Actually I think I left tumblr back in 2014-16, somewhere around there haha) I wanted to find a space to blog about my development, a public devlog/diary of sorts. My hope is that this will hopefully help me keep motivated on what I am trying to do. I always seem to do this. I always seem to start something and never see it through to completion so I am hoping this devlog will help with that.

So I guess I will jump right into things.

So this was my original mockup for the game idea I had been kicking around in my noodle. It's a side scrolling Action Platformer Metroidvania that takes place in a futuristic environment where most people live under the iron first of a mad scientist and yet it's not a dystopian future for many. People do not suffer, they are not slaving away, in fact most people live pretty pretty good lives aside from a few freedoms missing. However there is a group who refuse to be subjugated and as such are labeled as extremists and constantly being hunted. The story is a pretty big WiP but I have the general idea of where I want to go with it. Where as my game play ideas are a lot more fleshed out.

I also very early on knew exactly what I wanted the character to look like. In fact, I have been wanting to create a character like this for a while even having done so in an old game I lost the files to a long time ago called Magic Meg. Something about a darker skinned androgynous character keeps calling to me. I don't know why, maybe it's just because I don't see it often enough? Regardless, I was pretty fond of how Kero looked and her design was pretty clear to me from day one in terms of what I wanted it to look like. The only thing you can't see due to sprite size limitations is that she has freckles under her eyes. Mega Man and Metroid have always been my favorite of games. Something about the side scrolling platforming genre always did it for me. I always seem to gravitate towards such games. In addition, I have been heavily inspired by the amazing work done by the team of Mega Man X Corrupted.

For a while I had made pretty good progress on the game engine. I was no stranger to Game Maker Studio and had been working with it since Game Maker 5 so making my own engine from scratch wasn't that hard. The basic concept was there for me. The more interesting challenges for me was figuring out the UI. Things like animating the Health Bar similar to Mega Man X Corrupted and figuring out how to do a Minimap without any references was both fun and challenging in a good way.

But... as always, I drifted away finding myself distracted with other things... like Skyrim... and then my SSD died... so yeah... Thankfully I learned quite a bit from my previous project and backed everything up to the cloud. Long story short, before this game I was working on a game called Magic Meg and my SSD died and I lost EVERYTHING. So lesson learned, always back up your work. Saving just isn't enough anymore haha.

Anyway, after a hiatus of about a year I discovered something called "GB Studio" which allows you to make Gameboy Games that can be played on actual hardware. That re-invigorated my motivation for a while as I started toying around with making the game as a Gameboy Game. It was a fun diversion but ultimately I drifted away and lost focus as well.

This rendition took more of a Zelda II style approach to deal with the limitations of the Game Boy. Honestly, in its own way I really liked this version also... but once again I drifted away.

At this time I couldn't take it anymore, I had always had focus issues but it had become so frustrating that I could never maintain my focus. I wont go into details but I have since reached out to my primary care and after almost a years worth of waiting I believe those issues may soon be a thing of the past.

So that leaves us with "Where to go from here"!

At this point I want to try to revive this project but with some changes in mind. I want to go back to the original concept with Game Maker but want to try and move from Game Maker and GML to Unity and C#. There is nothing wrong with making a game with Game Maker, in fact there are some pretty great games that have been made with Game Maker, but the new direction I want to move in makes me believe that Unity will be a much better route.

I want to make the transition to 3d, er more specifically 2.5d! I have meditated on this a lot and I feel like I would be able to do a lot more making the move over to 2.5d and working with 3d models. At this time I want to aim for something akin to a mix of Mega Man Powered up and Metroid Dread. I want it to maintain is very bright and vibrant look from the original mock screenshots but using 3d models.

I think that it could be a fun look to work with and gives me a lot of new things to learn. Switching to C# and Unity from GML with Game Maker, learning Blender, etc. It's a lot but I am excited to embark on this journey.

Anyway, I think this is a good starting point. Hopefully this Tumblr will help me maintain motivation as well as get my erratic thoughts put into word. Here is to 2023 being a productive year!

[from-aya-for-joel]

The 177th day, the day I lost you.

Hey, I don't know if you would ever read this post because I am planning to not telling you about this—or maybe I will, in the future. I just hope one day you will find your way to this post, for it's dedicated to you, just like this whole blog.

Today marks our 177th day, as well as the day we bid goodbye to our “Aya and Joel” self. I know, our parting was my own fault, I am not gonna deny that fact. So what am I doing here?

I just.. want to say thankyou, because I don't think the thankyous I told you earlier aren't even enough. I guess I ever told you that even if you tell me I don't have to always say thankyou to you, you know this person will always say it regardless, because you deserve to be thanked. And so here I am again.

Thankyou,

For every little things, and for every big things too as well. I was never lying when I said being with you made me the happiest, because you made me the happiest for sure. You always do your best to make me happy, and you did. Even during the times when all I could do was hurting someone I love the most. You make me feel things, both things that I ever felt before or things that I never knew existed before, but mostly it's the heart-fluttering kind of feeling. I told you, right? You were always warm, safe, comfortable, you're my safest place. Being with you gave me butterflies on my stomach, and the ache in my heart shows how much have I fallen to you, how much I am craving for you—I've fallen deeply in love with you. But there is no way we could ever be together, guess we know it too well.

Do you know..

Before I got to date you for the first time, back in 2018, exactly before we met—I met someone, someone whom I hold dearly in my heart, someone that I always refer to as ‘the best person I've date IRP’, someone that I always long for, because it's been years since the last time I got a sight of him. But little did you know, you already replaced the throne he has in my heart. I told you, you're the best person I've dated throughout my RP journey, and you will always be. And because I've been planning to (once again attempting to) leave that world after we part ways, I am thankful because I got to spend my last days IRP with you. You're the last, for this time, the very last person I dated there. I don't know about you but I know that if you meet someone else, you definitely will treat them well just like how you treated me the past six months, right? I know, you will. I trust you. And I hope whoever gets to date you next, they will treat you like how you're supposed to be treated, just like how you deserve.

It is hard for me to leave, but I know it must be harder for you to stay. To let go of each other this quick isn't on my wishlist but I understand that you have chain on your door, I understand that I've becoming a thorn that hurts you when you come close, and that this is—the final parting. We might have returned to each other three times, but this is the final chapter of us, there is no more turning back. Well at least, the three times was indeed a charm, both of us left nice memories for each other, no?

Thankyou for enduring all those hardships just to stick with me. You've done well, you did great and you always will do great in anything, I trust you that you will always do well. I might won't be able to watch you creating and starting your own bussiness, or being on your side when your new home is finally done and you finally able to move there, or even listening to you unboxing your new PC anymore, or even getting a “dalem” whenever I call you anymore, or even being able to listen to your stories about what dreams you had when you sleep—but just you know, I will always wish you well, and you will always be my favorite person, and that you will always be precious to me.

Wishing you well is the only thing I could do to payback all the kindness and warmth you showed and gave to me, I will always pray for your well-being. Always.

If my whole RP experience was a book, then you're my most favorite, most interesting and the most beautiful chapter. The whole journey might be full of ups and downs, but everything was worth it because I had you. Quoting from one of my favorite book, “The most beautiful thing you can do for a person is to remember them.” — I will always remember you, whenever and wherever.

This has been Aya, signing off. (We can always meet as A & A, though).

Thankyou for the 177 days, Joel Arion Pieters.

[millennial-midlife-crisis]

La Chupadora and Physiological Arousal Led to this Goddamned Mess

OK. Quick story. Well, maybe... I tend not to edit too much when I'm writing because I'm lazy, and this whole blogging on Beyonce’s internet is supposed to be fun, so it might not actually be very quick at all.

In 1982 my mother had been out of prison for about a year, and I was born. Now, to keep it concise, to the point, and as classy as the circumstances could actually be: My mother went to prison for being a part of a prostitution coven where she was the bottom bitch, and she turned state’s evidence against her small pimp to avoid a lengthier prison sentence for attempted robbery and murder. One positive thing I am willing to admit when it comes to my low-rent mother is that she is the prototypical example of a survivor. She has the ability to navigate situations in her favor, but only to the degree where she will wriggle free from them. I’ve not known her to come out on top, though. Notwithstanding the fact that she may not make an exit being any better for the experience, she has always managed to scheme and manipulate her way into some form of transient peace.

Anyway. After having been released from prison, my mother was 19 years old, and the Boomer generation had this idea about reproduction that is severely punitive. Essentially, one prevailing thought espoused that if a woman were to get pregnant and did not want the baby, she must go ahead and have the baby as a social form of self-flagellation and self-castigation. That is to say, if you make a mistake, you deal with the consequences of that mistake. Well, I'm that the consequences of the “mistake” my mother made. That mistake – presumably – being that she pussied down a married immigrant from South America who had a cute accent and a second-hand boat name “La Chupadora.” My mother was always accustomed to having associates of the hit-it-and-quit-it, drop-a-load-and-go faction. That lasted until she was about 45. Now, well, let’s say she has learned a different method by which to maneuver the finite obstacle we call life.

In 2017, I did genetic testing with 23andme. In 2018, I got a hit in the system and found my first cousin, and I immediately reached out via the messaging system on the website. A year later, I got a response and started to get to know my father’s side of the family. My mother was more like a member of the immediate family who would pull multiple-year disappearing acts throughout my childhood. She only unsuccessfully attempted to be my mother for about 5 of the 40 years I have been alive. Whenever she got bored, she would drop my sister and me off with a family member and peace out. My mother told me plenty of stories (an overly generous, Southern way of saying “straight-up lie”) about who my father was. Other family members – aunties and grandma – openly suspected that she simply did not know who the man that sired me might be.

I actually think that my mother always knew, and she just kept it in her back pocket for a point in time when she thought the information might be useful to her as a means to an end. She never got the opportunity to hold it over my head, thanks to scientific advances in DNA. She never told me who he was, though.

In any event, the man who sired me never knew I existed, his family didn’t know I existed, and I never got to meet him. By the time those scientific advances in DNA had become mainstream and accessible to the general public, he had been deceased for several years, having died of colon cancer.

Even though it was way past due, the stork dropped me in on this new blood kin of mine in a fly-by delivery at the ripe young age of 38.

23andme gifted me the assurance that I am not crazy. Meeting my new family has aggressively shown me that certain aspects of my personality are shared with my first cousins. Also, we look so much alike that we could pass for brothers, and that leaves a certain comforting impression on me because I've known anyone with whom I share physical or personality features. My mother's family is translucent when it comes to skin tone, and their hair has a rust-colored hue to them. There is no world, dimension, or plane of existence where anyone would look at us on a superficial level and confuse us as being or assume we were in any way related – my mother’s family, that is.

Here we are in 2022, and I have spent two holiday cycles with the new family already, and we're in the middle of the third. And while, in general, I do like them, and we have spent much time getting to know each other, having been able to connect on more than a surface level, I am increasingly happy and grateful that I have succeeded in staying single for most of my adult life. In the interest of continuing to negotiate my millennial midlife crisis, I have decided to write a list of things for which I'm unequivocally grateful – without trying to look or present myself as being more evolved than I factually am.

I am blissfully enraptured by the fact that I am not in a marriage with someone who doesn’t respect me and that I stay in out of fear of the unknown.

The older I get, the more I feel utterly gratified that I never tried to play it straight and that I accepted my unconcealable and irascible faggotry from a young age.

I am grateful that I do not have to go into an office and answer to an even-more-mediocre-than-I manager/boss in a corporate and/or professional setting.

I feel a sense of triumph that I know how to cook. I made onigiri, enchiladas, ciabatta bread, Olivier salad, yellow cake with chocolate frosting, and honey cookies last week. All from scratch and just how I like them.

My apartment is kind of shitty and needs more repairs than I care to go into at present, but I own that mother fucker, and I don’t have to worry about rent going up each time a lease term ends.

I am very happy that porn is quickly and readily available. I hope that Tumblr starts to see a renaissance of porn soon. It was my go-to for many years.

There is something to be said about being fabulously unconcerned with what people think of the clothes I wear. I am grateful I get to be comfortable wearing garb that has been carefully selected to fit my melted-candle-shaped body without entertaining the concerns of others or worrying about their perceptions of me.

My love affair with solitude is getting pretty hot and heavy. There is very little reason to leave my house, and when I do, I get to visit all the places I need to visit during off-peak hours.

I was going to try to go for 10 things but had I continued past the above 8, I would have been making them up or, indeed, digging for some subvert-the-dominant-paradigm bullshit aspect of my life that would be expressed for no other reason than to attempt to control the perception I think that people would have of me were I to share it.

As I am exploring this midlife crisis, I am consistently confronted by the fact that I have made some fundamental mistakes in how I look at myself and the world. Despite recognizing my misstep, I am not exactly sure what to do to change it. At times, when I consider solutions like changing my perspective or amending my behavior, doing so feels so counterintuitive and fear-inducing that I second guess myself, wondering if I am just simply going on a wild-goose chase. Is that self-sabotage?

I suppose that is how self-reflection and self-confrontation are supposed to look and feel, though. Not to mention, there are several times a week that I get so ass-itchingly and ball-chappingly annoyed with things that I contemplate what it would be like to disappear into the woods and live off of the land, knowing full well this is a feature of the millennial midlife crisis. Plus, I have done plenty of running in my life before. It probably won’t help me to run to the woods any more than it did to Asia, Europe, or Latin America.

Alas, I am grateful for some things. That has got to be enough for now. There has to be a point where enough is plenty, and I am able to bask in the abundance of enough.

*insert vaguely inspirational syllogism here to foster a sense of being above it all*

[amoveablejake]

Writing To A Deadline

Adventures in tunnel vision. 

Throughout most of today I have thought that this afternoon’s piece was going to be one that was about a few different things that are currently occupying parts of my mind. Those subjects included but were by no means limited to, the new Pokemon: Violet game, the joy of finding music on Bandcamp, Max Cherry in Jackie Brown and the Fujifilm X10 camera. And whilst I would like to write about all of those things I would feel that if I was to write about them today, in a way, I would be forcing myself to. And that, that isn’t what the blog is about. The blog, as regular readers will know from my often last minute changes to the album of the week, thrives (okay operates on) my spontaneity and writing about what comes naturally. This does mean as I say, that many times I do have an idea of one way that I’m going to write something which then all of a sudden changes which is what has happened today. I did have some topics in mind but they have all gone by the way side because really there is only one thing that I am able to think about and that will perhaps come as no surprise as as it stands, it is half an hour until the 2022 World Cup begins and at the moment I can’t think about anything else.

Throughout the past week I have been watching the players from lots of different countries touch down in the host nation. I have been watching them be welcomed to their hotels and settle in or in my home country’s case, struggle in the heat. I haven’t experienced a World Cup build up like this before. I think before when I was younger, the build up talk went over my head and also it wasn’t available in the same way that it is now. Being able to see the players arrive and train does bring you closer to it and I feel very connected to this World Cup already, and thats even before my team or the ones that I have soft spots for have taken to the field. Ofcourse, I have to say again that I am in a very fortunate position because I can feel connected to this World Cup whilst many, many people will not feel that way. What is an inclusive tournament or should be, due to its current setting does feel isolating and anything but inclusive. Hopefully FIFA and the other football governing bodies will learn from this and rather than saying that they regret placing it here, they will think twice in the future about the best settings for the tournament on a human level. A tournament that should be open to all people of the world in a healthy and humane way. I am excited about this tournament but as I said last week, my excitement has not made me forget about the dark side to this tournament and the more that is done to highlight those factors during the World Cup, the better. 

When I was twelve I had a small procedure carried out on my left arm where a growth was removed. I left school early on that day to go to my doctors and ofcourse with my arm bandaged up and numb I didn’t go back in the afternoon. This meant that I sat in the sitting room of the house that I grew up in watching South Africa play Mexico in the opening game of the 2010 World Cup. The noise, even through the TV, was deafening from the home supporters and rightly so at what was a truly momentous World Cup. Whilst I watched that match on my own, I would then go on to watch a match with my Granddad and then some with my Dad aswell. I didn’t watch a great deal of the 2014 World Cup but I did in 2018 as I watched England’s run to the semi final with my Mum’s partner and ofcourse, as I mentioned last year I watched many of the England team’s Euro games with my Mum. And ultimately, that is why I am excited about the World Cup. The football is almost second place to the memories because it is through those memories that I feel connected to those people. I remember my Mum and I’s shared love of Jordan Pickford, I remember my Mum’s partner clapping his hands together when Kieran Trippier’s free kick went in against Croatia in 2018, I remember my Dad sighing when Frank Lampard’s goal against Germany in 2010 wasn’t allowed and I remember sitting, holding my Granddad’s hand for the entirety of the group stage game where England beat Slovenia 1-0 in 2010. The World Cup is a time capsule for me that when it rolls around, all these memories come flooding back and its that, that I really get excited about. Its the biggest tournament in the world and yet feels very personal and I know it will for so many people. I don’t know what this tournament will have in store, the highs and the lows but through it, I will relive all of those moments and more and will create new memories that in turn will make my eyes misty in years to come. 

2022, here we go. 

-Jake, a man who believes, 20/11/2022

[veworfame]

Action bronson tour stubbs

What tears? A piece of paper, an envelope, a stamp stuck to it. That sounds so good so then I go to all the other things you could connect with it. It all comes out of that first ‘tear you away’ line. Naturally she had lots of guys trying to lure her away, but she was devoted. For ‘My Guy,’ I pictured Mary, a woman who was a star already, with a boyfriend who was a miner or a factory worker. I grew up with women after all, my mom, my two sisters, my nieces, and I’m a life observer. “I can look at a lot of things from a woman’s point of view. Beans Bowles: ‘Fingertips,’ The Untold Story by Dennis Bowles, 2003.ģ. It was in that year that I was able to do the things with him that helped to change my life.” – Stevie Wonder, Dr. Bowles, I remember very clearly in 1963, and it was then that I had the success of the single, the record that he wrote, ‘Fingertips’ live version, that he came on to assist and be my road manager. We were performing in Columbus, Ohio, and he took me to see West Side Story. Motown gave us contracts to take home for our parents to sign.” – Katherine Anderson Schaffner, Wall Street Journal, 2018, by Marc Myers.Ģ. Someone at Motown added the line, ‘Deliver the letter, the sooner the better.’ We sang the song a capella, and they loved it. We were just teens and too young to know that someone could take a song and add words. Everyone wanted to add their mark to the song. They increased the tempo, added a new beat and made it more up to date. But once we were back at Motown to audition the song, the producers and musicians there started to fool around with it. “When Georgia brought the song to us, we learned the words that she and Garrett had written. Don’t wait a minute to get started, with…ġ. The sources of these are shown: mostly autobiographies, magazine articles or (ahem) The Billboard Book of Number One Rhythm & Blues Hits. In addition, there’s a comment from someone with first-hand involvement in each particular hit, whether singer, songwriter, arranger or producer. With 53 titles to cover, the list comes in two parts: the first below, the second next week. The date shown by each title is when the record stepped up (with the English dating methodology, by the way, which puts the month second), followed by the number of weeks at Number One. Here is a complete, chronological list of every Motown Records 45 which attained Number One on the Billboard pop charts when Berry Gordy owned and ran the business – that is, from 1959 to 1988. Since some of the hits which stopped short of Number One spent longer on the Hot 100 than others which did reach the summit, that “all-time” inventory omitted a few roost-rulers. But in the latter analysis, the ranking was based as much on chart longevity as on peak position. The Chart-Toppers Club focused on Motown albums which reached the summit, while Motown’s All-Time Top 50 examined the singles with the best performance on the Billboard Hot 100. Now, that was a topic I was confident had been previously covered in WGB – but only, it seems, up to a point. It included a countdown of Hitsville’s Number One singles on the Billboard Hot 100 from 1961-81. One West Grand follower also mentioned the contents of a 1982 Motown sales catalogue which he acquired this summer. Over the past 60 years, only two other Motown albums have spent as long ruling the roost: Diana Ross & the Supremes’ Greatest Hits (five weeks in 1967) and Stevie Wonder’s Songs In The Key of Life (14 weeks in 1976-77). His My Turn album has become the company’s first release since 1994’s II by Boyz II Men to log five weeks atop the Billboard 200. Only buy tickets from, , or links provided by The Rave or official band sites.A number of West Grand Blog readers have been in touch about chart action, such as the recent achievement by contemporary Motown recording artist Lil Baby. Box office and charge by phone hours are Mon-Sat 10am-6pm (open later on show nights).ĭon't buy from 3rd party sites. Purchase tickets at, charge by phone at 41, or visit our box office at 2401 W. Support on the tour will include long-time collaborator and friend to both artists The Alchemist with Detroit rapper Boldy James. The tour makes a stop at The Rave / Eagles Club in Milwaukee on Friday, May 6, 2022. (opening acts subject to change without notice)Īction Bronson and Earl Sweatshirt have announced a co-headline tour dubbed ÑBA LEATHER WORLD TOUR 2022.

[captnjacksparrow]

Are you SasuNaru or NaruSasu or both?

Neither.

[[Disclaimer: This is Fandom critical. And that too extremists only. Not bashing or criticizing the ship or the characters. You be warned]]

Lolz. I am not very much into fanfictions, Anon. For the reason being, Time constraints (Job, Life and this blog keeps me occupied) and Sakura, Hinata being there in the fictions for no reason... That too in the very first paragraph. Sigh!!!

No Thank you.

What matters to me is the Well-written story and how Romance gels seamlessly inside the narrative to the point you should feel it in your Skin without even realizing it... 

It should be like, after facing so many horrible things in your life, you want a shoulder to lean upon for momentary comfort. And to me, Romance means that momentary comfort... A warmth... Like A Sanctuary.

I won’t get into a story if romance becomes a 24/7 pleasure house when it’s all about Romance and Smex. This is just me alone and am not condemning or mocking anyone if they like something else. This is another reason why I can't get into Fanfictions.

So, these top bottom discourse (which is where this SN and NS comes into play) was never my cup of tea. And In that Aspect, I have no preference or inclination or to be exact... I have zero interest in it.

And I've seen some past ugly discourse on this topic which goes way back to 2018 or 2019 which gave me this clear bullying and harassing tone from one particular side. 

In my Observation,

NaruSasu fans (not everyone, I repeat not everyone.. Only the extremists ones) are clear-cut hypocrites who hates Naruto to the core but ship Sasuke with him because they self-insert themselves into Sasuke and want a doormat boy who chases behind them like a Dog. They are the ones who actually bullies SN fans for not caring about Sasuke as if they care so much about Naruto... They made clear remarks that Naruto looks Ugly, Naruto looks like a frog.... He looks uglier than my Grandma but Sasuke looks pretty and all that. Yikes!!!

NaruSasu claims that SN self-insert themselves in Naruto and want Naruto to be fucked. But the biggest hypocrisy is, NS ain’t any better. They just self-insert themselves into Sasuke and want to be ravaged by Naruto. That’s all. Acting all high and Mighty is just NS thing it seems.

I am telling you I would rather read 1000 SS and NH horny posts than reading that stupid shit about our very own ship. 

Oops!!! No thanks, Bye!! Leave me out of it.

As for SasuNaru... I have no clue about them. As much I’ve seen, I don’t see them hate Sasuke like NaruSasus hate Naruto..... But I’ve heard that “They always makes Sasuke into a Horny boy in the Fanfics just like what SS does with Sasuke and hence they are no different from SS”. Again, another complaint from NaruSasus...

To me, As long as someone gets the Canon Sasuke right IN THE CHARACTER ANALYSIS POSTS AND other meta write-ups... That is enough for me. I don’t give a quarter about how Sasuke or Naruto were being portrayed in Fan fictions or Fan Arts. But what SS does is, they shamelessly claim Sasuke was eye smexing Sakura while he was trying to kill her in the Kage Summit Arc, Orochimaru Lair...

And I’ve yet to come across such Horny Canon analysis posts about Sasuke from our Fandom... So, I don’t have any issues with SN, in that aspect.

But, I've seen some SN arts where they photoshopped Sasuke tapping Naruto's Forehead, Sasuke eye-smexing Naruto like he did with Sakura...

Uhh???🙄

That’s just cringy.

That's not even romantic from Sasuke's side and I've been endlessly saying this in many posts... We mock SS for that and now SN are doing the same thing😒😒

This shows the desperate side of SNS fandom...

And SN peeps mocks me because I wrote Sasuke mirrors Kushina post, half a year ago. I promise you, I never wrote that post with that NS/SN mindset (I don’t even know what it was back then)... That seme/uke shit has never even crossed my mind. I simply wrote it because of the striking parallels. What’s so difficult for SN fans to accept canonical facts, I wonder???

Whereas I very recently realized this ask I got many months ago was sent by a NaruSasu shipper...[[Again I promise you, I didn’t even know anything regarding this NS/SN thing).... And this post is being reblogged by SasuNaru Shippers... Sigh!!!! But the asker has a version of Sasuke and was very arrogant about it... Like they know everything about Sasuke and that SN stans has to read the Manga.... But I proved them wrong by citing multiple panels. If that is how Sasuke was being portrayed in NaruSasu.... then I am not their ally. Nope. Nada.

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In NaruSasu, Naruto is a Horny Hunk (because he did reverse harem (sigh)). Some SNS shipper really said this in her argument that Naruto is Horny for Sasuke IN CANON😑😑

In SasuNaru, Sasuke is a Sex-God.

My take : Both are wrong. Because Canonically, one is severely suffering from internal homophobia and closeted... Another don't care about such things...

=======

In NaruSasu : Naruto is a Prized Simp/Slave/Dog.

In SasuNaru : Sasuke is a Prized Trophy.

Both are vomit inducing, tbh.🤢

I cringe at the take of Naruto being called as Simp while ignoring the fact that Sasuke also said "I couldn't stop paying attention to you", Wanting to walk next to Naruto... 🙄

Furthermore, Both are not Simps. Sakura is a simp, Hinata is a simp..

=======

=======

See, these are the reasons... I said.. Neither.

So, I guess... I don’t even know where I belong even inside the SNS fandom. LOL. Just take me as a Naruto/Sasuke Shipper.

But if you ask me what is Canon to which the author hinted many times?? Or something that's close to Canon???... 

I would say it is NaruSasu because of Chapter 486 poster and also Author himself officially acknowledged that Naruto is the Hero and Sasuke is the Heroine.

But the same Author also did these,

It seems Kishi don’t care about this Top/Bottom thing, I guess????

[miru667]

How did you manage to stay dedicated to one fandom all these years?

1) There was never anything strong enough to pull me completely away from the fandom, like nothing has compared to how happy, excited and obsessed I was in 2012, though you could say I've shifted to just stuff surrounding my Audrey oc now, but I suppose that's still within fandom boundaries.

2) I've had a lot of little shifts over the years though, because the fandom kept creating new AUs, askblogs and content. 2012 had Camp weehawken au, thneedville high au, truffula flu au, the latter two kept going in 2013, and thneedville high (deoncelerized to Thornville high) kept going through to 2014, then 2015 saw a fandom revival and many new askblogs were made, then camp weehawken came back full swing in 2016 and 2017 and I participated this time with my first actual rp blog (lunchladymiru), then in 2018 truffula flu got revived in a small discord community so I joined that and started developing my Audrey oc more, then the discord server moved to beach au in 2019, etc. And within all those years I haven't even mentioned the side projects I completed including my Audrey askblog, my fandom newspaper Thneed Times, my 7212 archive blog, my beach au archive blog, all of which kept me busy. So you see, there was always something to do.

3) Another follow-up to my first point: fandom culture in general has changed over the years imo, making it hard to feel a sense of genuine community anywhere anymore and therefore hard to go as deep into a new fandom as I did for the onceler fandom. A lot more minors now, a lot of cancel culture, a lot more ironic memeing. If I watched the lorax for the first time right now I wouldn't join the fandom because I've grown out of fandoms in general. I joined the onceler fandom in 2012 very naturally because it was a prime time for ppl to be cringe and free.

4) I'm familiar with it and it's just what I know. I don't have to even stay a fan of it. I can see a fanart from 2012 that has been stolen and reposted somewhere without credit and still be able to tell you "Oh my friend [Onceling A] drew that for their friend [Onceling B]! It was to cheer them up after [some event that had upset them]" like I can't really get away from the fandom even if I want to? It's just ingrained in me by now. Onceler fandom is my culture.

5) Friends. The most important contributing factor of how and why I'm still here. People outside the fandom (or people who were only in the fandom for less than a few months) will make analyses saying how oncest and askblog shipping kept the fandom going. They're wrong. It was friendships and the longing for friendships. I wouldn't have lasted if not for adding fandom friends to skype, and later to discord, and talking to them everyday, creating together and supporting each other thru good times and bad. I'm not the only OG fan who is still here.

6) I'm just a dedicated person.

[junicai]

Aria at Award Shows

Iconic Outfits

2020 AAAs NCT Daesang Award  

Peoples’ jaws dropped when they saw Aria sidle up alongside the other 23 boys, strolling out like she owned the building. The heels gave her enough height to be nearly level with Renjun - something she wouldn’t let the boy forget - her hair dyed back to a natural black like it had been during NCT2020 promotions. It was rare that Aria didn’t look slightly apprehensive about stepping out onto a red carpet, but the confidence was rolling off her in waves. As she walked, the slit in the dress seemed to keep on going, trailing up her leg and changing the otherwise classy dress into something that left the innocent bystanders in the first row suffering from a high chance of a heart attack.

tldr; Aria’s hot and people are Noticing.

2019 Show Champion NCT 127 ‘Superhuman’ 

NCT’s second win with Superhuman left a huge divide in nctzens; a rift between those who were ot21 stans and ot22 stans (sans and plus Aria). Up until then, there had been rumors around whether Aria was to leave NCT now that there was a new girl group supposedly debuting under SM. Their management team had refrained from publishing a response - but that only lead fans to create their own speculations and theories. This outfit played perfectly into the growing rumor; with the large circular pendant on Aria’s bracelet having two chrysanthemums etched into the gold. The flower symbolized happy endings and goodbyes, with nctzens taking this as the proof that Aria was truly set to leave NCT in the coming months. 

tldr; nctzens need to learn how to Chill.

2017 M! Countdown NCT 127 ‘Cherry Bomb’

Unfortunately, this era was the cause of a lot of strife for Arizens; the stylists either hit it out of the park and Aria was drop dead stunning - or she ended up looking a little like a bratz doll a toddler had gotten their hands on. Unfortunately for Aria, their first win with ‘Cherry Bomb’ left pictures of her in a plastic, obviously dyed blue skirt and cherry pink hair to match immortalized on the internet forever. 

tldr; arizens hoped that her stylist got fired after this era. the plastic skirt wasn't the worst thing they'd done.

Other Iconic Outfits

Seating Arrangements

Depending on the venue, idols are normally sat on straight rows of chairs and benches, or at round tables. Given the choice, Aria would always prefer to sit at one of the tables, as not only does it give her a chance to not have to worry about her legs being seen while being covered by the tablecloth - if there is one - but it lets her keep everyone sitting near her in her direct line of vision. 

However, should she have to sit in one of the main rows, she’ll normally end up squished beside one of three boys - Donghyuck, Yuta and/or Renjun. Should one of those three be unaviliable, Doyoung and Jeno are usually quick enough to fill in the empty space. 

Donghyuck would always be her first choice, was it not for the boy’s incessant energy that sometimes left her nerves fried before their performance. Most days she adored the company - adored him and his efforts to get her mind off their impending songs with various games and ways to pass the time (they're not allowed play footsie anymore though, because Aria stomped on his foot with her heel once) - but other days she just needed someone to hold her hand and say nothing. That’s where Yuta and Renjun come in.

As Aria’s found out over the years, for all the man’s tactile affection and loud displays of love, Yuta’s highly perceptive to when she needs some silent comfort. Now, she’s not sure if he’s that perceptive to everyone or just her - but either way she’s not complaining. 

With Dream, Renjun is the one she’ll sit with and doodle on the white napkins that are laid out on the table for lord knows what reason. After being bored out of their minds for their first few award shows, Renjun had snuck two black ballpoint pens into the venue in the inside of his red suit jacket. The drawings had become somewhat a tradition, and the best doodle normally is uploaded to bubble shortly after the show has ended. 

All in all, Aria’s normally quite content to sit in the centre of the large group of boys - split over several rows or tables, boisterous and bubbly with energy. The only real downside to it all is the lack of blankets available to protect her modesty once she is seated. 

Most venues split the idols fairly evenly between the boy and girl groups - with blankets being allocated especially for the seating of girl groups. This meant, unfortunately, that when NCT files into their seats and sits down, there is rarely something in the close vicinity that Aria can borrow quickly without causing a fuss.

Sometimes she gets lucky - other female idols might spot her and are normally kind enough to hand over one of their cushions or blankets, content to share with their neighboring member. Occasionally though, Aria has no such luck and is left to either pull down her dress multiple times per minute to cover the prickly feeling over the tops of her legs when she felt like eyes were boring into her, or wait for some kind of break so she could go find a spare covering.

Aria supposed after the third time something like that had happened, her members were getting fed up with it all. 

At first it was their plan B: should some type of cover-up not be available in their immediate vicinity, Johnny or Lucas or Jaehyun - once, even Dejun - or another member who ran hot near-constantly would shrug off their jacket and fold it over Aria’s legs, pulling it up and then lifting her hands to place them in her lap to hold their jacket there. 

Eventually it became their plan A however, now commonplace for Aria to go looking for the member who was wearing multiple layers and who wouldn’t suffer from the loss of their outermost one.  

Iconic Moments 

Twitter: [180821] and people rly say nct doesn’t care abt aria :/

Red carpets were always something to dread, in Aria’s eyes.

The cameras flashing bright enough to blind you, and the knowledge that if she stumbled or - god forbid - fell it would be immortalized forever on Koreaboo’s newest blog post. 

However the worst bit, was always the footwear. High, stiletto heels that left her teetering around on nothing more than her tippy-toes, precariously balanced as she made her way up and down stairs, over carpet and tiled flooring alike. 

Aria was used to wearing heels, but the one’s she performed in were usually fitted with various types of ankle support and a thick heel to give her balance. Wobbling around on a heel the same width of a piece of uncooked spaghetti was not something she’d willingly choose. 

Not to mention the blisters. 

Designer shoes were gifted to the company on a regular basis - shipped over just in time for Aria to slip into the pair before stepping out of the van into the sea of bright flashes and reporters. It always seemed like designers were too pre-occupied with making a shoe look good rather than making them actually wearable. 

The first time Aria had been gifted a set of heels - early 2018 - she made the mistake of assuming that they would be in similar comfort as her performance heels. 

Two hours later and with a wad of bloody tissue stuffed into the back of them, Aria had learnt her lesson. 

From then on, it was commonplace for Aria to bandage her heels before she went out to shows - not quite as heavily as she normally would for a performance, but just enough to stop the skin splitting under the constant abrasion. 

She’d only been caught out badly once - but it was all caught on camera by a fan sitting close by, and spread over twitter like wildfire. 

Aria had limped her way back over to where NCT 127 was sitting, lips pressed together in a tight line and hands clenched in the tight material of the leather trousers she had been given to wear. The trousers stopped a few inches above her ankles, so the red mess of her heels was clearly visible as she hobbled over and sat down with a thud onto the seat. 

Donghyuck placed a hand on Aria’s shoulder, leaning in so that he could see her face behind the curtain of hair that she had let fall to hide her tear-filled eyes from him. 

“Riri?” Donghyuck whispered to her, thumb beginning to rub soothing circles into her arm. “Hey, Riri? What’s going on?” 

Aria only shook her head, gesturing to the pair of torturous heels on her feet.

Donghyuck inhaled sharply when he saw the blood trailing up her leg and soaking into the back of the heel. He turned to his side to elbow Doyoung, grabbing his attention.

“Hyung. Hyung.” He hissed, Doyoung turning around with an over-exaggerated sigh. 

“No, Hyuck, I told you I’m not going to-” Doyoung cut himself off upon seeing Aria’s pain-filled face. “Aria? What’s wrong? What’s happened?” 

Donghyuck slid off his seat onto the ground despite Aria’s protests that the floor wasn’t clean, get up, and explained what had happened to his hyung. Sliding her heel off as slowly as he could to not pull at the skin more, he muttered apologizes to Aria as she inhaled a shaky breath before exhaling it on a small, wet cry. 

“Hyung, did you bring anything for Taeyong-hyung’s shoulder that we could use?” 

“Yeah, yeah I did give me two seconds.” Doyoung bent into the small bag that he had tucked underneath the seat, pulling out a length of bandage that was stowed away in the outermost pocket. 

Donghyuck took it from Doyoung’s hands with a small ‘thank you’, moving to kneel back down in front of Aria and taking her ankle back into his lap.

“Hyuck, no I got it, c’mon the ground isn’t clean-” 

He silenced her with a look. Aria settled back into her chair - defeated - and Donghyuck wrapped the bandage around her heel as quickly but as painlessly as he could manage. 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Twitter: [190323] HSHS ARIA IS A CARAT WE’VE WON LADIES N GENTS

Maybe Aria should have been paying more attention to the camera that was slowly panning around the idols, projecting their faces up onto a large screen beside the stage, but she was too engrossed in the current group’s performance. 

“그렇다고 네 맘이 작다는 게 아냐,” Swaying gently side to side and mouthing along to the lyrics, Aria was happy enough to smile along to the song and move her hands in a small mimickery of the choreography she’d taught herself off the group’s dance practice video she’d watched only a few dozen times. 

It wasn’t until Mark poked her in the side that Aria broke out from her own little bubble, twisting her head to look back at him and then up at the screen when he pointed. 

There, her face, staring back at her from the big screen was enough to make her mouth drop open a little bit and her eyes widen. She clapped a hand to her mouth before turning to hide her face in Jaehyun’s shoulder, shaking with embarassed laughter. 

Aria could hear Taeyong’s teasing laugh in return, before a hand came and ruffled the hair on top of her head, that she swatted away.

--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Twitter: [170911] lmao same aria

Aria knew she was there. 

She knew that she was sitting right there and that she was in one of those really skimpy dresses stylists loved to put girls in because apparently female idols don’t deserve modesty and Aria knew that she had a blanket for once and she should share it but oh my god.

It was Chungha.

Aria was going to pass out. 

Taking side glances every few seconds only confirmed the fact that Chungha was pulling down her dress to cover as much of her legs as possible, tucking her ankles together and underneath the seat.

Ok.

Ok, she could do this. 

Aria took a steeling breath, before shifting on her seat to face Chungha on more of a diagonal. She lifted her hand before lowering it slighly, looking away. 

Should she- no ok she’s doing this. 

Without giving herself time to talk herself out of it, Aria moved to rest her hand on Chungha’s arm. The older woman jerked slightly - startled - and Aria was quick to apologize. 

There was no audio in the video uploaded - the original poster having been too far away to capture much - but the two women talked for a moment before Chungha pointed to the blanket and then herself.

Aria nodded emphatically, and Chungha’s face crumpled into something fond, bowing her head in thanks before they unfolded the blanket another time and Chungha scooted an inch closer to Aria so they’d both fit. 

Chungha sent Aria another grateful smile before refocusing on the performances - apparently not noticing, or perhaps choosing not to comment on the rather obvious red tinge that the younger idol’s cheeks had taken on.