#didnt edit this bc i couldnt read it through more than once

[didhewinkback]

low rise

absolute filth from the something old universe.

word count: basically 3k, warnings: smut city baby

---

You were on him the second the SUV doors opened, pausing for half a second to ensure the partition was rolled all the way up and his door was thoroughly shut before you launched yourself at him. You could feel the sweat from his torso start to seep through the front of your dress from where you were pressed up against him, your lips crashed to his, his hands roaming all over your body, squeezing every so often when you kissed him that much deeper.  His fingertips dug into your arse, encouraging the roll of your hips against his as he groaned into your mouth in appreciation. 

Time passed but you weren’t aware of it, consumed by the feeling of his hands on your body, his lips on yours, the flex of his thick thighs against yours when you move your hips against his just right. God, you wanted him. Needed him. Needed him to keep moaning into your mouth, needed him to keep kissing you that much harder whenever you tugged on his hair, to keep pulling you impossibly closer to him, like he wanted to consume you whole. 

The car rolls to a stop before you expect it to, lost in the heat of the moment, the heat the two of you always create. You pull away slowly, taking in his heaving chest, swollen lips, blown out eyes he wouldn’t tear away from your face. He tucked his fingers under your chin, tilting your mouth back towards his for one more kiss before you slid off of him. He grabs your hand with one hand and adjusts himself with the other, huffing a laugh when you snort. He opens the car door and pulls you out with him as you run through the back entrance of the hotel and into the open elevator, the two of you thanking his security before the doors shut. 

Alone again.

The urgency from before has faded a bit with the change of scenery, simmering to a baseline of need. You can feel it thrumming in your veins, desperate to have him alone in your own space again, to get rid of this energy that’s been flowing through you the second he stood on that stage, lifting his arms up and curling his fingers in the air.  

He steps up behind you and pulls you flush against him, large hand splaying out against your belly as he ducks down to press slow kisses to your neck. You can hardly hear the ding of each floor over your heavy breathing, unable to focus on anything but the feel of his hands on you, his lips on your skin, the feel of his bare chest against the open back of your dress. You let your eyes flutter shut as he pulls you tighter against him, his hand sliding down your stomach, inching closer and closer to where you need him most. 

Ding! 

You can feel the elevator doors open to your private floor but you don’t move, unable to do much but melt back into him.

“‘S our floor, love.” he says, voice rumbling deep in his chest as he nips at your earlobe, smirking against your skin before you snap out of it and head towards the door, shaky hands sliding the room key out of your purse and against the door, having to try two or three times to get it right, a bit distracted by the way he’s rutting his hips against your ass, pressing kisses along your jawline. 

You stumble through the doors and crash back into each other, fisting your hand through his hair as you pull his mouth back to yours. You push him back against the nearest wall, hands scrambling to pull his vest off, your hands sliding across his chest, nails digging in when he bites down on your lip.

“Need me out of my clothes that bad, do yeh?” he mumbles against your mouth as your hands slide down to the waistband of his trousers, hands slipping against the still damp skin. 

“Won’t take very long,” you shoot back, “These bloody trousers –”

“I know, I know” he says, huffing a laugh as he ducks his head down to watch your hands on his body. “Bit more low rise than I anticipated.”

“I’ll say. Practically gave away the goods.” you say as he laughs. “Looked fit though.”

“Yeah? Y’ liked them?” he asks, sliding his along the back of your neck, eyes gleaming when you nod. “C’mere.”

He pulls your mouth to his, kissing you deep from the start, licking into your mouth as his thumb circles your jawline, tilting your head just so to get the angle right. He pulls away to kiss along your neck, ducking his head to drag his lips across your chest before you pull back, hands sliding down his body as you sink to your knees. 

Your fingertips dance along the waistband, already hung so low on his hips you can see the laurel tattoos in full as you press your lips to his stomach, tongue darting out to taste the skin, nipping at the tattoos along his v line. Not pausing as you pull down the zipper, slipping your fingers into the waistband of his trousers and calvins, pulling them down.

“‘S this why you jumped me in the car?” he asks, hissing when you wrap a hand around his cock, already hard and ready for you. “Needed to get on y’ knees for me that badly?” 

You look up at him, heat rushing through you at the sight of his flushed cheeks, the smirk on his lips, his eyes fluttering shut when you start to press a line of kisses down his length. You can feel the rhinestone tassels from his discarded vest digging into your knees, shifting to kick it away when you hear him mutter curse above you. 

“Put it on.” his voice comes out like gravel, tongue darting out to lick at his dry lips as he stares at you, dark eyes unwavering from yours. “The vest.” 

You sit back, smirking up at him as your hand falls away from his cock to pull your dress up and over your head. You don’t break eye contact with him as you pull your bra off, watching the way his eyes dip to take in your body, his chest heaving in anticipation as you pull the vest from the floor and slide it on your body. 

“Fuck.” His head tilts back against the door as you sit up, wrapping your hand around him once more. His hand comes up to pull your hair away from the back of your neck, leaving his emblazoned name visible across your back as you take him into your mouth. “Shit. That’s it.” 

You pump him a few times, pulling him more into your mouth as he softly moans above you, inhaling deeply when you twist your hand just right.  You bring your mouth to meet your fist, his moans spurring you on as you move the way you know he likes it. 

“Look so good, baby.” his hand tightens in your hair on a particularly hard suck. You pull back to suck at the tip, gliding your tongue along the prominent vein on the underside of his cock as you catch your breath before taking him down again. “Jesus.” 

You bob your head a few more times, working him into the back of your throat,  relishing in the taste of him, the feel, the way he’s falling apart in your hands, moaning above your head. You slide a hand up his thigh, relishing in the way it tenses under your touch, feeling drunk with power as you can feel the effect you’re having on him. 

“Love how my name looks on you. ‘S a perfect fit,” his words were slurring, mumbling nonsense and praise as his hand tightens in your hair before he pulls you off of him, looking down at you with wild eyes as he tries to catch his breath, swallowing harshly before he speaks. 

“Didn’t want to - not yet,” he breathes out, pulling you up to your feet, pulling the vest off you to slide his hands all over your skin, planting kisses along your jaw. “Wanna come with my mouth on you. ‘S all I can think about.” 

He walks you backwards towards the bed, lightly pushing you onto it once the back of your knees hit the mattress. His eyes rake over your body as he kicks his trousers off, you barely have time to appreciate his naked body standing in front of you, the movement of his abs as he breathes heavily, before he’s on you again, capturing your lips with his as he hovers over you, reaching an arm out to flick the lamp on. 

“Need to see you,” he mumbles against your mouth, kissing a line down your neck as he starts to make his way down your body. “Need to see your face when I make y’ cum.”

He takes his time, dragging his lips along your chest, your hands flying up to his hair as he sucks a nipple into his mouth, his hand lightly teasing the other before he switches sides, smirking against your skin when you gasp. 

He continues to trail lower, pausing at your belly as his tongue darts out to taste the skin, hands sliding down to your thighs to spread them wide so he can settle in between, kissing a trail along your hip bones before his fingers slide under the waistband of your underwear and pull them down, following their trail down your legs as he kisses at your thighs, your calves, his knees hitting the floor as he pulls your underwear all the way off, planting a kiss at your ankle when he throws the fabric to the side. 

He kneads his hands into the muscles of your calves, thumbs digging in, looking up at you with a cheeky glint in his eye before he takes hold of your legs and pulls so your center is right in line with his face. 

“Want it like this,” he mutters, throwing one of your legs over your shoulder as he sinks his teeth into your thigh. “Want t’ be covered in you.”

He lightly drags a finger over your slit, the combination of his hot breath against your center and his featherlight touch making your eyes flutter shut before you hear a “tsk.” 

“Eyes on me, baby.” he says, leaning in closer as he oh so slowly drags his tongue over your center. “Want you to watch me like you’ve been watching me all night.” 

You slowly open your eyes, the image of him on his knees, wrapped in your thighs making fire lick up your spine, the gleam in his eyes making you wetter than you thought possible. 

“Good girl.” he says, barely giving you a moment to react before he dives into you, tongue first. 

Heat sears through you, a moan punching out of you as he expertly moves his tongue against you, licking into your entrance before sucking your clit into his mouth in steady pulls. You can hear how harshly he’s breathing through his nose, the grunts and groans against your core as he moves his tongue against you, moving in a mind-numbing pattern that is impossible to keep track of. 

He loves this, he’s told you as much before, loves that he can take you apart with a few flicks of his tongue, loves that he can taste how much you want him, how much you need him. It’s enough to make you come undone on the spot and that’s when you feel his arm start to shift against your thigh, craning your neck to see his brows furrowed, moaning into you as he wraps a hand around himself, wanking as he sucks your clit, hard. 

“Jesus Christ,” you moan, head flopping back onto the bed as your chest heaves, feeling like every single inch of you is on fire. 

“Y’ like that? ‘S it good?” he mumbles against you, sucking a mark into your thigh as his arm never slows down. “Y’ got me one handed, baby. Taste so good.”

You slide your hand into his hair and pull as he moans into you, licking into you with smooth, languid licks as his nose nudges against your clit.

“H - I -” you can barely speak, barely think, barely breathe. You can feel the sheen of sweat on the back of your knees, the light tickle of his hair against your inner thighs, melting into the mattress as he takes you apart lick by lick. 

“I know baby, I know.” he groans. “Gonna have to come from just my tongue, can y’ do that for me?” 

“Yes - I - I’m so close”

“Good girl,” he mutters and you strain your neck to look at him, the utter concentration on his face, the strain of his arms as he gets himself off by getting you off. Jesus.  You could feel every muscle in your stomach tighten as he brought you closer and closer to the edge. “Give me a good one.”

He sucks your clit into his mouth, hard, tongue running up and down the bundle of nerves, once, twice and that’s it - a loud moan punches out of you as the coil snaps and you’re coming. Hard. Blood rushing in your ears as you collapse back onto the mattress, trying desperately to catch your breath,  his mouth never leaving you as he drags out every inch of your high, his deep licks slowing into delicate kisses. 

You prop yourself up to watch him, his deep breaths turning into grunts and moans,  his arm not slowing for a second as he turns his head to bite down on your thigh giving himself one more pull before he’s moaning into your skin and coming into his hand, his furrowed brows melting into a look of bliss as he catches his breath.  It’s enough to make you want to go again,  the way he’s mumbling praise into your skin, cheeky look in his eyes as he looks up at you, messy mouth smirking as his tongue darts out to lick up what’s left there. 

You just stare at each other, his head leaning against your thigh, chest heaving with exertion, soft look of love in his eyes as you brush a strand of hair away from his shiny forehead, his head leaning into your palm to plant a kiss there. 

“Fucking hell,” you say, flopping back on the mattress as he huffs a laugh, wiping his hand on the comforter before crawling up your body, hovering over you as his eyes graze over your features before ducking down to kiss you, gently licking into your mouth like he’s got all the time in the world. 

He pulls back slowly, planting a line of kisses against your cheek, jaw, neck before flopping down next to you, wrapping his arms around your waist to pull you into him, his hand lightly running up and down your back as you lean your head into his chest, fingers dancing over his pecs. 

“‘M really happy you’re here.” He mumbles into your hair after a few beats of silence. 

“I could tell.”

“Oh shit, what gave me away?” he says, feigning disappointment. “Was it my tongue in your cunt?”

He’s barely able to finish the sentence before he breaks into laughter, only laughing harder when you honk out a laugh, holding you closer as he giggles at his own joke. 

“Wasn’t exactly subtle, that.” you say with a giggle, propping your chin on his chest to look up at him, the crinkles around his eyes as he laughs, the laughter tinkering out into something softer, his eyes full of affection as he stares back at you. 

“Was being serious, y’know.” he says softly. “Thank you for being here. With me.”

“Nowhere else I’d rather be, H.” 

“Baby -” he breathes out, cut off by you leaning up to capture his lips in a kiss. His hands slide up into your hair as you open your mouth to his tongue, both moaning softly at the touch. He rolls you over so he’s hovering over you once more, taking you apart kiss by kiss. 

“Wan’ to show y’ how happy you make me,” he mumbles against your mouth, kissing a line down your face, taking his time on the skin of your neck. “Gonna show you all night if you let me.”

He continues his trail down your body, reverently taking his time as his lips explore every inch of your skin. You lean back against the bed, feeling the fire stoke in you once more, the fire that never goes away when you’re with him. 

There’s more you want to say, like how you’re so happy to be here too, with him, seeing the world the way he gets to see it, seeing him more relaxed at work than he’s ever been. You want to say you also liked the feeling of his name on your back, and all that could mean. You want to say that you can’t believe this is your life, that after all this time of dreaming what a life might look like with him, you can’t believe how good it is, how it’s exceeded your every expectation, how he has exceeded your every expectation. 

You want to say all of this but then there’s his breath, and his tongue, and his hands gripping your hips and the words die on your tongue. 

“Oh, fuck.” 

There’s always tomorrow.

---

taglist:@tobesolovelysstuff, @louyoursins, @daydreamingofmatilda, @jojo-blog53, @marzhshaim, @devilsqueen722, @just-happiness-only,@lomlhstyles, @feestyles, @spock4presidnet, @sunshinemoonsposts, @indierockgirrl, @jerseygirlinca, @kissitnhekitchen, @goldnrry,

[foryouthegays]

me? writing a vague minecraft fic bc i saw an abandoned village? no editing? writing it all on discord? its more likely than ud think lol

minecraft is so...lonely.. you start existing, nothing showing your past and no directions to help you survive the future... you start by just trying to get food and materials and you wander through a barren world hoping to find a lone village full of people who don't speak your language and who are guarded by beings that want to kill you. you steal their crops when you find them. if you find them, that is you find your way to caves and make your own torches. your own axe, your own sword, your own pickaxe. you do not know how you made them. you found the materials and then the tools appeared in your hand. you mine your way to another world will you find life? life of your own kind? will they tell you who they are? who you are? you hope so

they dont they watch you try and survive in a world designed to kill you, they watch as you build a wall out of cobblestone that should weigh you down but doesnt, they watch you escape skeletons that could have been your ancestors, they watch as you try and kill wandering spirits that cry in the caverns, they watch you grow comfortable, they watch silently as you leave they kill you when you hurt them

you continue surviving. you bring villagers to your home in hopes that they will stop your never ending boredom but instead they give you materials for emeralds, or emeralds for materials, for food, for crops. they dont seem to need much. is anyone watching you? is anyone seeing the farms you make, the gravity defying home that feels less like a home and more like a fortress, a factory? do they watch as you halfheartedly try and make a corner look homely? look inviting? do they wish you were less focused on surviving and more on living? did they plant the knowledge on how to survive into your head? were they the ones that replaced your two sticks, three diamonds with a pickaxe? who are they? you try and forget about them. they dont exist. not to you, anyway. you keep exploring. you find mansions of generations long past, you find temples and wells and monuments of civilizations that have no other impact on this lonely world. you kill the zombies and the skeletons and the creepers and everything that tries to stop your survival why do they want to stop your survival? you kill the tall, teleporting creatures and take their eyes as a reward. it seems right. perhaps they put that idea in your head. dead creatures do not exist after they die. you take your reward, and they disappear. would that happen to you? you do not want to find out. you came out of nothing, you started life fully formed and not knowing what to do, and it will not end to the hands of a zombie the tall creatures eyes pull you to a hidden structure, thousands of blocks away from your home fortress, they pull you to blazes and the crushed powder, they form into another item you do not know what to expect, jumping into a dark, star ridden area, hundreds of blocks below the surface. you do not know why you double, triple checked your armor, you do not know why you brought a bow, golden apples, you do not know why you know you will need them you do know why, though. they told you. they told you that you were going to die if you didnt. they told you to destroy the crystals on the pillars to kill the dragon. they also told you to kill the dragon. the dragon didnt hurt you until you hurt her. you hurt her anyway she dies. you feel experienced. you did it. you finished you do not know what you finished maybe they will tell you and they do and the they love you the universe loves you (and a bonus *what would happen if the world was deleted!) it was fine they had stopped talking to you. you had no guidance, no instruction, no new tools. holding the materials over the table kept them how they were, no bread, no swords, nothing. did the universe stop loving you? did they think you were done? the villagers gave you tools but not enough, you couldnt keep up with their supply and demand long enough to see the end of your life. oh god was this the end of your life? was this how it ended? they stop talking, they stop helping? slowly starving on a world that once loved you? in a universe that claimed to love you? how could a universe love one person. how could they, all knowing, take a liking to you? is that how you existed? did they create your world for their enjoyment? you try new things you pillar out, over the void of the End, and you jump you are asleep you are awake was that their doing? did they save you from the jump? did they save you from death? or was that out of their control was anything out of their control? could they only tell you how to get your tools? how to progress your fortress, your life? you saw something, when jumping another island a city you go back. no armor, no sword. just cobblestone blocks and the hope that whoever was in the city, if anyone was in the city, could help you you reach a barrier you fall backwards you are not asleep you are not awake, either you exist, and that is all you exist for a minute longer, to read words that are both physical and mental, in front of you and implanted in your head, being spoken to you and shown to you your world has been deleted

[doctormage]

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

[kirakirachiizuru]

[PART 1] HAKUMYU LIVE2 - SPECIAL GUEST EXTRAS - Matsuda Ryo

I am doing this just for fun ^^ Because I like translating the Tokuten (extras), than the Honpen (stageplay) :p I know LIVE has been around for a while but just in case ^^ I will skip some parts… because they talk too fast / not so important / interesting :p If I have the time and if anyone wants to read this, I will make the rest with Izawa Yuki, Yamazaki Shuuto, Gomoto Naoya & Yazaki Hiroshi too ^^ (i edited this with photos lol yesterday tumblr was being ugly and jealous i couldnt upload anything)

PART01: Matsuda Ryo-kun (12/08, Kyoto, NOON)

[01:25:22]

Mori-Producer: Today’s guest, Matsuda Ryo-san!

Ryo: IS EVERYONE HAVING FUN?

*fanscream*

Ryo: NOT ENOUGH! DO YOU LOVE HAKUMYU?

*fanscream*

Ryo: Awesome! Once again, I am  the previous Saito Hajime actor, Matsuda Ryo.

Yoroshiku onegaishimasu.

:

M-P: So it has been 2 1/2 years, since your last stage, since Kazama-hen

R: Yes, that was the last one for me, and the Fukuchou (commander / Piroshi). And you see just now I have been watching from the side-stage and a lot of memories came in.

:

R: Yes my debut performance was the first ever Hakumyu after all (Saitou-hen). I’m so happy and now everyone is turning their penlights into Blue colour. Aa~ thank you~ (in his Kansai-ben /aaaaaa XD)

*fanscream*

R: I love everyone (* Minna suki ya de~ aaa kansai benn XD) ! I’ll give you this *hands over his uchiwa (fan) to one front seat fan). It is a festival after all right. I can’t throw it (the fan) to the seats it’s dangerous okay.

M-P: It is definitely amazing right. It was the first ever Hakumyu, and without that there wont be Hakumyu today right (i rephrased this XD i think he mentioned Matsuda Gakkun, like without Ryo-kun first Hakumyu, there wouldnt be Hakumyu today for anyone else~)

*Digest / clips of Ryo-Saitou played on screen*

After that…

R: You know just now I received a LINE message from Yamazaki-san / Piroshi.

AUDIENCE: ‘What did he saaay?’

R: ‘Good luck for the LIVE’ and he wrote that all in Hiragana. lol but that’s so him XDD

So I replied, I’ll do my best!

R: No no *sheepishly*, but you see in the digest just now (clips from prev musicals), it is thanks to everyone - casts, staffs, those who have been loving Hakumyu.. oh but Hakuouki (the anime/game) is amazing in the first place right.

M-P: He is definitely a zachou (lead) who practiced more than anyone else, yet never shows a tired face *more praises*

R: (laugh) thank you!

Then Mori-Producer said that seems like it started from Ryo-kun, a passionate and powerful Zachou, and from that on the next ones too inherited that.

R: Eh, wait I feel like crying already.

M-P: That’s fast.

R: Before I was in Hakumyu, I went through an audition and at that time, I was auditioning for Heisuke’s position.

ME & FANS: WHAAT?????

[01:28:01]

R: I was aiming for Heisuke and I really didnt think that I would be Saitou Hajime and that time Mori-san’s impression was really interesting

M-P: I thought he will definitely fail this :p

It was like he was screwing around. What did you do again?

And then Ryo-kun explained that there are some things that needs to be done. I think he needs to act out a scene in which everyone needs to take turn and then he gets cut down by another. And he have to act out a dying scene.

[1:28:45] 

R: I never had any experience of sword fight lessons or anything, let alone how to act out a death. So when I was cut down, UWAAA— (run and plops on floor) and I just stayed in this position (on floor) and I looked at the person and the producer angrily said ‘Die now!’

(Chii: BAHAHAHA ;;;;;;)

M-P: I really thought you will fail but you managed till the end and Im glad it is you.

R: Aaww

M-P: How about acting out Saitou Hajime’s line now? *pass a Katana*

R: WAAA, it has been a while since I last held a Katana *slips it on his obi* (mind you, it is left side which is actually ‘wrong’ because he is Saitou Hajime known for left-handed samurai XD). Ok Mori-san be the Chizuru okay.

*acts out Saitou’s line* (AAAAAA AAAA) *looks at Mori-chizuru lol*

R: EH, this katana is the other way round (lol)

M-P: Any scenes that’s most memorable for you?

R: (he said the scene when he fought with Kazama)

*Then it became an awkward scene when Shougo-Kazama came out.*

R: Hi, it is.. a first time so I’m Matsuda Ryo *steps back*

Shougo-Kazama: Hmph.

R: Seems like his eyes is killing me. Then, I can take him on now. Everyone, he is now weaponless.

S-K: *came back with a Katana* R: Ok lets go with ‘that’ scene. Get it? ‘That scene?’ …. Aren’t you laughing, you okay?

(LOL Shougo is facing Ryo-kun so the face is not visible :P)

*Acting out the sword fight* But it doesnt seem to go well XDDD

S-K: ... sure you can do it? :p

[01:33:30]

*Shiranui is called out*

Shiranui: I didnt hear about this

(maybe this was not part of their plan haha because the talks are partly scripted :p)

R: Hi! Hey hey hey! *making a gun with his hand and then ignored by the two Onis* XD

S: Who’s that?

S-K: I have no idea

R: Where’s that other person.. bald one?

S: Koudou

(actually and usually the casts are all watching from the side-stage ^^ HAHA so im thinking they didnt planned it out other than Shougo-Kazama meeting Ryo-kun XD)

….. Koudou: Shibu shibu shibu shibu *t/n: reluctant, reluctant (LOL XD)

[01:34:30]

R: Definitely they are amazing first-generation casts right

M-P: Ok time is running out. *fans went EHHH~~*

S-K: I will read a letter from my good friend, Suzuki Shougo (lolol.)

R: Oh you two are such close friends eh. (LOL)

S-K: He is… *stiffled laugh* (AHAHAHAHAHA) S-K: *reads the letter to Matsuda-san* ^^ Matsuda-san I heard you are making appearance on Hakumyu’s stage after a long time today, how are you feeling? It has been 5 years since we have known each other. You who are a younger brother, we had fun praticing, drinking and fooling around together. Compared to that time, I earnestly think you’ve become such a splendid actor as Matsuda Ryo…….. (cont) (It is such a warm letter, and I am not good with such beautiful piece so let’s leave that to your imagination :P)

S-K: That’s what he wrote *keeps the letter in his sleeve* M-P: You’re not giving the letter to him?

S-K: Later (XD) : [01:37:18]

R: *speeches* Ok I cant anymore, if I stay here any longer I will cry. Thank you, have fun everyone!

FIN

Here are some other interesting facts from the rest of the special guest corner (that I might or might not translate):

[1] Gomoto Naoya-kun auditioned for Hijikata Toshizou’s position (HAHAHA but Mori Producer was like, Nope okay you can stop during the audition :p)

[2] Izawa Yuki-kun was sooo pressured to be the 2nd Hijikata-san, because Piroshi / Yamazaki Hiroshi was a strong one, too good. And then he said at that time, he always had Kondou-san (Taira-san) to pamper and calm him down. And when asked how, he acted it out: *walks to Kondou-san and hugs* ‘Im scared~ Piroshi was so good~* And Taira-san would hug pat him and say ‘It is okay, just be yourself, you own version of Hijikata Toshizou’

[3] On the recording day of Hakumyu Reimeiroku, Piroshi came to watch. And Izawa Yuki-kun was like ‘AAA how dare he came today why did he have to come today of all days’ XD But then at the end, when he showed his fist towards Piroshi in the audience seat, Piroshi returned his air-fistbump (AWW). He said he was happy and touched ^^

[4] Izawa Yuki sheated his katana and fans went ‘UUU~~’ and he said ‘Wow LIVE is so nice, I didnt do anything but sheating my sword and I get such reaction :p

[5] Izawa Yuki said he had such a blunder during Hakumyu performance like there were times when he tried to sheath back his sword and the scabbard had moved the other way. So this one time, he put it in, and like oh god it wouldnt go in so while acting the play he slowwwwly slowwwwly took it out, and BAM! put it back in one go :p

[6] Ryo-kun said some of the blunders he made during Hakumyu was (1) There was a part Amagiri was talking and he was supposed to come out, and at one time he was just sitting at the side-stage not realizing it was his moment to come out. And suddenly Ikeda Junya-kun (Heisuke), came running ‘OI YOUR TURN GET OUT THERE’ and he was like wth and ‘WHY?’ and Junya furiously said ‘YOUR TURN’ and he was like ‘WHAT? !!!’ *late sudden realization* XDDD

(2) There was a day he said he forgot his Katana (LOL) and that was the part he was supposed to fight Kazama (such important scene LOL). And he saw the ensemble Suga-chan and just ‘defeat and grab away his Katana forcefully’ and continue his act LOL. (you would know Suga-vhan if you’re a fan (said Ryo-kun), bcs the longest ensemble member to join Hakumyu from start till to-date).

[7] Izawa Yuki-kun said he was always feeling so pressured (lol poor one XD Piroshi was awesome after all keke) but Kondou-san (Taira-san) helped him like you know he is a historical figure and Taira-san looks just so realiable like the real one, but then one day during practice, they were practicing Shinsengumi’s first appearance during YAISA and when it is his turn to come out with Taira-san suddenly he heard a loud DODOON noise and when he looked to his side, Taira-san stumbled and fell down very unsightly LOL (you can see this clip in Toudou-hen’s extras) :p

[8] Imata Taira-san (Kondou-san) is known for getting tongue-tied and calling character names wrongly like: Saitou-KYUN, Sousuke (Heisuke), Heiji (Souji) :p

[9] Mori-producer said when he first met Ryo-kun he judged him like ‘Can this kid really talk properly’ (Because Ryo-kun is a Kansai-person so he has an accent). And Ryo-kun said Now I can talk normally and fluently (without the accent) :p

[queeranarchist]

uhhh every 5th q for the ask meme?

:O

5) What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

uhhh first time i remember was when I cut my hair off - for an SPN Lucifer cosplay of all things - and was like hell yeah I look like a dude! Radical! and then was like oh that is not a very CisThought™️

10) What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?

you know i bought a pretty expensive packer and it was waaay too large despite being one of the smaller ones of that model - this was apparently a problem a lot of guys had and their were videos on how to cut it to make it fit but it cost a lot and i was too worried about ruining it - anyway i moved house three and a half times in six months and my stuff is currently in between two houses and I have No Idea where it is and in the back of my mind there is the constant fear that someone will find that dick 

15) What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

i’ve used pretty much every label sexuality wise bc attraction is weird. gender wise i ided as a trans man until last yearish and now im just like im queer in all senses

20) What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

prooobably a lot of gender abolitionist stuff like meets past self and just holds a reading group of Nobody Passes by Matt Sycamore - like i hate the transmed/truscum view point but i see that a lot of it is pushed by 15 year old trans guys and the whole wanting to be cis/as close to cis as possible and you can have pride in being LGB but not in being trans thing is pretty much how i experienced gender until last year where i was like time to make the Conscious effort to rework my thoughts, i didnt end up in the dysphoria discourse largely bc it wasnt a big thing when i first realised i was trans (lmao no trans issues were big things at that point) - in general i’d want to get myself to work on a more intersectional approach in terms of understanding that the gender binary is a western colonialist construct and that capitalism pushes queerphobia by wanting to minamalise community reliance and further their profit by pushing a nuclear child producing way of structuring relationships - basically get little me to turn all that angst and anger @ the system

25) What do you wish cis people understood?

that they arent the end goal, i detest the view they have that trans people should be glad to be told that they look like a “”””real”””” women/man - also that they dont need to understand, i dont give a flying fuck if they dont get how someone can identify differently to their assigned gender/be nonbinary/have a gender that changes, just use the right pronouns and name and be ya’know a decent person - and! that they dont need to know what “makes” someone trans and that that line of thinking veers dangerously towards eugenics

30) Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

ahhh good question - i realised i was trans in a pre Caitlyn Jenner pre Orange is the New Black era so a lot of it was just me figuring out shit on my own - which gotta say wasnt necessarily a bad thing bc more visibility has also lead to more bulshit

I would probably say Matt Sycamore - the first book i read that was edited by her was Why are Faggots so Afraid of Faggots and like the queer radicalism and like anarchy from that helped me figure out and voice some of my disquiet with queer assimilation stuff and also the big We Won the marriage campaign queer stuff is Done mood that was 2017 after Australia’s same sex marriage plebiscite. her book Nobody Passes which focuses purely on gender stuff also follows a similar vein and its very very good

35) How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?

outside of queer stuff i fit into a pretty privileged life, defs gonna say class played a major noticeable role in being able to get hormones despite having to go through a whole court process (pretty sure the government being the Worst to baby me is what made me an anarchist) and get top surgery pretty quickly once out of high school, my whiteness also provides a certain protection when you see the much higher rates of violence at trans POC, and I'm also able to access queer events and spaces without having to consider accessibility etc

40) How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

mmmm honestly at the time it was the worst and looking back on it i am still very angry and bitter at both my school and, you know, the government in general

i did the whole im trans use the right name and pronouns @ the school people (with my parents there so they couldnt use that as an excuse) about nine months before they started doing so AND this was also after my parents flat out ignoring that I was trans for months before that and i did not uuhhh deal well with any of that mentally At All. my school was pretty much like yll be bullied we cant as if every kid i interacted with didnt already know - and when they eventually did it wasnt a big deal with kids - i only heard second hand about some shit that was said about me which gotta admit was kinda laughable bc i had people i barely knew tell me what people in my grade had said and i was like….dont know who that is but Okay - i was too out of the gossip loop to have anything to be upset about 😂 also i had two (2) teachers in the entire school that used the correct pronouns despite me fully out for near three years by the time i left school tho i didnt actually recognise how bad that was for me until i left high school and was like ???? dont want to die all the time ?? what is this

medically was also bulshit bc the australian system used to have anyone under 18 have to go through court to get HRT, it took me nearly three years and was incredibly fucked and even tho the laws been changed now i am still ready to throw down with whoever implemented it in the first place even tho their probably old and close to death themselves

ANYWAY in terms of providing a better answer than i didnt and was v sad and angry for a v long time - i surrounded myself with queer people, i ventured into the city for some youth queer groups, went to a camp purely for young queer people, read a lot of books about trans people etc 

Ask me questions ~

http://queeranarchist.tumblr.com/post/183686207345/datgenderqueerboi-trans-ask-game-what-has

[misterbitches]

@flootweed ​

ATOTS

That's super fucking romantic? Like tragic but in a nice way. i love that shit. i'm a monogamous slut for romance pghiosuag even tho we have to learn to live alone too but it's just like the NOTION is nice?!??! awwww i told my mom that SOPHIE's gf was like "she died taking a picture of the moon" and how it was like idk. the gf was just processing it and she thought it was romantic and my mom was like "wow.....depressing" bc think she thought it was stupid millenial shit i was like no mother doent u see she died in the BEAUTY LMAO but then i told her jessica walter's husband died the year before and then she died and she was like "aw...kind of romantic" LMAOOOO i guess two people have to die. why did i tell this story? i am so sorry. the show ended today right (ep 10?) i didn't realize it was that short. so i hope it was a happy ending? (tell me) i understand why you love the atmos! it's like, not really been done. there's this BL that i hear isn't too great but it does take place in a rural part of thailand and there's way less budget. a lot of ppl seem to like it. ep 6 LW / LW in gen gotta be honest, rushed through it. i knew spoilers from jump cause BL spoilers are just absolutely nothing and sometimes ur just like i need to know. i do not understand the ~silently lookin 4 u~ trope it always backfires and is also DUMB. so happy about tiffy. a girl who likes girls but ends up with a man bc of mommy and also the man is ok....it's me. she's gorgeous and actually [h*lf] gay so it's great. god ok i feel so old again. lmaooo but i was like obsessed with lady gaga for that reason (dont ask...also how i got kinda popular on tumblr way back in the day) and shes just absolutely fucking beautiful and bad ass. (which kind of doesnt helpcos they r all skinnty but that's FINEEEE) right? i mean like i guess cos we knew abt it? i can see why he was so pissed off, too? i mean i'm so fucking like...sensitive to being told what to do so i was angry for him from jump. i guess i was also looking at it different wholetime cos i knew the spoilers? i'm assuming u did too lmao. so we knew hed be pissed and leave. and frankly that's what sib gets. just for you my friend i will watch it and update. i think MANY times in shows in gen but it is something you notice a lot in BL bc they are just absolute novices most times. in this case, gene's actor mostly well (and i like him as a person just cos he was on that thai 3 girls in a car show and used to date on eof them lmao) can act so i will look over that scene to see how sib's actor plays off him. but the pausing in between sentences or for so long even decent actors or actors doing better. kao is not bad, not great so they will talk slowly because dramatic acting but the problem is most times it's too long. even if the person is an adept actor it won't always work and YES THEN THAT MEANS THE EDITOR COMES IN AND SNIP SNIP SNIP! it's too long. and sometimes it just does not work even if you can act. but it is GLARING when they cant or are average (someoe said this about tharntype and my god lmao tharn..is...so...slow...in...talking...the actor idk his name it's one of em, the other one with the nose (type) is....different not better but he certainly does not talk as slow. they arent bad but they are not good so.) also sometimes they are forgetting their lines. some ppl find this charming. clearly we do not lmao. what is their relation? what is going on there? i don't have a problem with stepbrothers as long as they didn't grow up with that sibling bond. many times blended families really have to watch out for that kind of fraternizing but it's always when theyre older and teenagers bc they didnt grow up w/ each other....i mean they have chemistry so i'm whatever. but. hennYYWAYYYS.actually it's bc im an idiot i didn't read it as Mhok (singular) and aey's father. Yes and his sister who i think i may hate? im like bitch okkkkkk but. his name is lhong. and he is a psycho. i mean so is type. so. oooh it could be that he stole! but also i'm pretty sure cos hes gay lol or did they

not make that explicit? the thing is i had to skip through most of that scene too because the drama was WAY too much for me. too much. lmao. the sister thing i got and it made sense and iliked that. oh yea he is gay and they know. that's a big one.

WBL

haven’t watched color rush! did you like it? i have seen wyel, parts of mr heart, and ofc to my star :) 

ohhhhhh ok. i get you. yea he definitely wasn’t being ooc cos i think that....what u said. and also like....ugh i cant even think rn. i like sam lin a lot so i like gao shi de but i gotta say. lmao. hm. first of all. yes it is creepy what he did. it’s fucking weird. and sad that his whole life revolves around him. it’s not as fucking weird as LW but still like when he did the door thing. i was like UMMMMMMMMM cos i really didnt want it to be constructed. and when it was i was like imma suspend my disbelief. but if anyone dared...

and so what he did in s2 i think he just couldnt realize that he was loved back which is why it’s good he WAS ALONE for 5 yrs imo. but he gave shu yi 0 choice and for that i am pretty sure i would be even angrier. i do think though that the father’s role is pretty important but i can see how the show is like....letting that go? bc as fucking weird as GSD is, he was still like...20? i guess and shu yi’s dad is like. crazy? i am also like he really had to fucking start a company to get noticed like are u joking? is it also that easy? and also why? lmao i just. ugh. i think that probs bothered me the most...priorities.

i like the show! well idk if i love it but sure. i think it’s decent lmao. i understand what you’re saying. for here it bothers me less but i certainly don’t think it was OOC. immature and stupid but like...that’s.....what they are. i also don’t have a problm with the timing from a technical point.

however, when i started the show? i had NO clue what concept of time it was. and that was very annoying. tehy redeemed it bc of the comedy aspects (the first time shu yi sees shi de is so fucking good, i really loved the shot and editing; it’s hilarious and silly) and i started to go with the flow of the show through that. but the fucking concept of time in the show in general esp with repetitive outfits (i understand that they are more likely to wear multiple outfits as well, it’s just that you have to split it up or it i sconfusing visually and looks like the same scene twice or just a full day of shooting which it could be but then something should change in the clothes. this is just an ex~~*~*) and partof that is they have this already controlled narrative i guess. 

i have to admit as well...i skipped episode 1. and most of 2. i was like i rly dont want to see someone slap a pereson even if they were like. not together. it’s just not cute also not in front of ppl. and then when they were yelling and bla bla i was like listen ladies lets calm down. too much angst in a boring way. what they have now is good. also they should probably like estrange the father but i doubt they will. 

i cannot make up my mind totally now bc i see what ur saying i guess i just don’t feel that way as much but i guess i have to think about it more, too. i do think he was contorlling in getting him or like when he didnt want shu yi to find out whwatshisface liked him. i guess for me it would be if he is still that way in the rship. but even tho he’s at fault for what happened, i’m also like but his dad? but also like...did he try? why did he just stop contacting? but then i guess he emailed everyday? DO U C MY QUANDARY.

alsoi have to say i do not care abt their backdoor being opened lmao like wow business? no thanks

LMAO. did they cry a lot in UWMA? i only know the teamwin parts. which one is fluke the really pale one who died? idk what it is about that kid but i just cant watch him. it’s not his fault it’s mine.

DUDE i still dont understand the husband and wife thing and ive looked into it multiple times. ive kinda just classified it as one of those things that make me uncomfortable but arent problematic lol. it you have any insight about it id love to hear it tho !!

it’s stupid. that’s what it is (husband and wife.) it’s just something they say like many gay couples may use pejoratives in conjunction with them, the f word etc. or even imply something about being a top and a bottom. whatever. but these arent gay spaces or gay storylines. sure gay men may direct them but since BL operates and relies on patriarchy without a doubt and also stereotypes poorly kathoeys or won’t cast trans women in anything substantial and use them as jokes (and see this is one of those things where it’s like...ud never see this in the US tho like our concept of third gender or kathoeys but life stillBOOOOO.) so it’s just useless when they put it into the scripts because it’s for people to consume and lots of girls are. obviously. so the idea that if you are being penetrated and u r the wife and this is used like literally anywhere but not from gay or whatever men is gross. are cis women’s vaginas sieves to them? are trans women not women? do we have to categorize people by PHALLIC OBJECTS IN OUR BODIES SPECIFICALLY A WOMAN? it dont make no sense. plus really most ppl just experiment, there’s more ways than one to have sex, we have lives so most times it’s not just full penetration for hours anyway. it’s just so gross. like oh that’s really funny lol ur the wife cos his dick goes in ur butt XD i get it, same. i say “i’m wife’ whenever there’s a penis in me. fucking kill me. it’s not a big deal but it’s just dumb and gross. if they use it they could try and subvert it too like i like how my engineer has  a whole absurdly stupid episode about it. but in TT the dad says “if ur the wife i wont accept it” and i was like u know what gals? im good. goodbye.

pgojaihousgajigko THAT’S SOOOOOOO OOWIEOFUGHOIJ WEIRD. FANDOM IS REALLY WEIRD. i have read rpf and written it once upon a time but dont do it anymore  uch. i mean it’s weird. no doubt about that. invasive, weird, strange. but very unreal anyway. it is. plus i dont like celebs or fame and think of it as a gross capitalist scheme so i had to stop (also so weird?) but i know very many people like lean in. lean in. LEAN IN. this youtuber i watch did a video on like insanely popular ships (like that 1d one) and their insane fandoms and i just couldnt. it’s so embarrassing? and then they’re so bold????? about it? 

yea it would be cool (more queer men or visibly we should say or like out whatever.) but it doesnt necessarily mean that will be good or beneficial i guess? i mean like. i dont know. so much about the genre is about wish fulfilment for young girls. its literally selling some fantasies because the other thing is for BL (i read a paper on this...) esp for girls in more conservative societies they cna maybe replace themselves in the character? but they may not feel a threat as a woman or like their life will fall apart if they engage in sexual things with anyone really. and that’s where i’m like....for a lot of these are they just writing a story and just replacing two men? bc they also seem to think it owrks like that. and in a way that’s what it is bc of the writing and how they use certain terms. you can tell the piece is about pushing a product and less about the real affects of a story. i think ITSAY is a great example of a really intelligent great piece of work that contains multitudes. and the girl was amazing. it just depends on the goal. and for most of the ppl the goal isnt...to do anything. so i dont know. idk how to talk abt representation anymore. it both is and isnt.

 i really liked tingting from my engineer a lot (idk if u have seen) she’s so fun and unapologetic. i love how much she drinks and if someone tells her to be ladylike she says no. and i appreciate that in the show when girls were rude to her she said nothing about the girls but said “NO IM NOT LUCKY TO HAVE ALL MALE FRIENDS?” i really want to see her more in the next season. obviously tiffy is goat. super excited to see how their rship develops.

[writings-andstuff]

Coincidences Part II (Bucky x Reader)

You guys have waited way too long for this and for that I’m sorry. But here it is, so I won’t start it with my usual long-winded preamble. 

Happy Reading!

Pairing: Bucky x Reader (Modern AU thingy)

Words: 5046 (yikes, that’s the longest fic I’ve ever written)

Warnings: The usual tiny bit of swearing

Excerpt:  For a moment, you wonder how this became your life. Yesterday, you were just another girl worrying about everything except her lack of a love life. Now that’s all you can think about because you’re flirting with a complete stranger. How insanely insane is that? For all you know, he could be a forty-something year old dude with three ex-wives and a beer-belly that could carry triplets. Somehow, though, you don’t think that’s likely.

Series Tags: @melanie451 @sebstanwassup @colagirl5 @winenighthoe @lovemarvelousfics @gotnotfeature @sebastianst-n @alwayshave-faith @hollycornish @iggytheboywonder 

Tags: @langinator @fairchild21

Your name: submit What is this?

New Message from Mr. Catarcs

3:42 a.m u up?

You blink your eyes blearily and shift in bed. The sheet is wrapped around your legs like sweaty vines, constricting your movement. You growl angrily and throw them off, sitting up and relishing in the cool air of your apartment. Despite the frigid cold outside, you somehow still manage to wake up sweating. Maybe you’re a mutant. 

Glancing over at your phone, it dings again to impatiently let you know that you still haven’t opened the text that woke you up. Usually your phone is switched to silent because of your job at the diner. There are always so many phones going off that it’s almost impossible to tell which is which. It’s just easier having your phone on silent because then you’re never worried about whether your phone is ringing or if it’s someone else’s. It saves you a lot of unnecessary anxiety. 

But ever since last night’s conversation with James, you decided that you wanted to hear your phone ring with a text. It’s the first time in your life that you don’t want to miss a text. 

You pick up the offending piece technology and swipe it open. Sure enough, the text is from James and you grin despite the fact that this message is the same one that woke you at—you squint at your alarm clock—3:49 a.m. 

Deciding you are both thirsty and in need of some time in the open air of your apartment and not under the suffocating sheets, you get up and stretch. The floors are cold as you pad to the kitchen and fill a glass with water, shooting a text back to James. 

3:51 a.m I am now

You wait for an answer while downing your glass of water and putting the empty glass in the sink again. Maybe he fell back asleep when you didn’t answer right away. 

For a moment, you wonder how this became your life. Yesterday, you were just another girl worrying about everything except her lack of a love life. Now that’s all you can think about because you’re flirting with a complete stranger. How insanely insane is that? For all you know, he could be a forty-something year old dude with three ex-wives and a beer-belly that could carry triplets. Somehow, though, you don’t think that’s likely. 

You have no proof of this, and absolutely no reason to believe he isn’t a creep except for a gut feeling. You resolve to ask his age whenever he decides to answer you. 

You think about that. He could lie to you and tell you that he’s 20 when he’s really a lot older than that. The only way you’d truly know is if you meet him in person. 

Suddenly you’re a little dizzy. This is just way too much to worry about at four a.m. You decide to just talk to him. You genuinely like his personality, and you don’t have to worry about all that other stuff until you actually meet him. If you actually meet him. That’s a big, neon-colored, flashing sign in the middle of absolute nowhere if.  

Your phone dings and you look over from where you’re clutching the counter. You don’t notice how hard you were gripping the counter until you pull your palms away and it stings, lines etching themselves across your palm. 

4:03 a.m srry didnt mean to wake u

Before you can even formulate a response, he’s texting you again. A double text. Gasp.

4:04 a.m just couldnt sleep. i was wondring if u wanted to talk

You tilt your head at your screen. He’s up in the middle of the night, and the first thing he does is text you? Why? Does he not have other people he can talk to? A stupid part of you, the same part that wants to meet him in person, thinks that maybe it’s because he wants to talk to you. 

Maybe he does. Probably not. It’s too much to hope for. All his other friends are probably asleep. Regardless, not answering is not an option. Well, it is, but it’s not one you’re likely to explore, not when your chest has those freaky bubbles in it and your stomach is doing that stupid flippy-thingy. Nope. This, you decide, feels like High School when a cute boy texted you first and the instinct to giggle shot up to level 12. 

4:06 a.m alright. what about?

Capitals, Y/N. What the hell happened to capitals?

You take your phone and pad back into your room, perching yourself up against the headboard with your knees drawn up to your chest and your phone in your hands as you wait for a response. Worrying your bottom lip, your mind drifts to work. You’ll have to get up in about three hours to be at work on time. Man, you’re going to be tired. 

It’s then that your phone dings. You decide then that talking to him makes it worth the fatigue. 

4:11 a.m twenty questions?

4:11 a.m Fine, but since you woke me up you have to go first.

The three dots that mean he’s typing pop up three different times before the response finally comes through. 

4:15 a.m whatd u go to school 4?

You laugh. 

4:15 a.m getting down to the nitty gritty personal stuff I see

You think for a moment. Telling him what you do isn’t divulging too much about yourself, so you decide it’s okay.

4:16 a.m lol yup thats me. i want the deep personal stuff. might just ask what ur fav color is nxt

4:16 a.m 1. editing; 2. sorry, that’s sacred info

4:17 a.m 1 ah i understand y ur a grammar nazi now…2 obviously

Thinking for a moment, you decide that favorites are just too cliche. Any conversation anyone has with some new friend ends in questions that start with “What’s your favorite…” You really want to know how old he is, but you figure you need an ice breaker before you get to the actual nitty gritty. 

First, though, you must take the bait to piss him off:

4:19 a.m What would you have done if I hadn’t gone to college?

With a yawn, you lie back down and curl on your side, sitting your phone on the nightstand in front of you with your eyes glued to it. Once you realize that staring at it isn’t going to make him type faster, you turn over. 

You’re totally not too eager. There’s no—

Ding!

You flip over so fast that you rip the sheet from the other side of the bed and end up with half of it between your stomach and the bed. It pulls from the bottom corner of the bed and is slightly uncomfortable, but you don’t care. 

4:22 a.m high school?

4:23 a.m I didn’t go to high school FOR anything 

You’re not sure if the use of caps-lock is weird, but you send it off anyways, deciding that emphasis on that one word is crucial to your meaning. He replies within seconds. 

4:23 a.m i mean dunno bout u but i went to learn

You laugh, probably louder than is necessary. 

4:24 a.m Touche. What’d you go to school for?

4:26 a.m repeating questions isnt alowed

Frowning, you wonder if he actually didn’t go to college. Should you push it? Maybe you should just change the question. There’s a part of you, the curious part that wanted to be a reporter when you were young, that really wants to know. 

There isn’t too much time for you to think all of that before he’s texting you again. Usually, you’re the one to mercilessly double-text. James, it would seem, has you beat in this department. Also, you didn’t want to double-text a complete stranger. 

Before you even look at the text, it hits you again: this is a complete stranger. The thought of not answering enters your mind again, but you push it down. No harm in just talking if neither of you meet, right? Right?

Right. 

4:27 a.m i joined the military right out of HS

It’s a real Oh moment, and you find yourself staring at your screen as if it’s a real person. The military? What are you supposed to say to that? What’s the protocol for a text that you’re not sure how to answer? Should you just leave it alone? No; if you leave it alone then he’ll think he freaked you out. He hasn’t. Your brain is just short-circuiting on an answer. 

Should you think him for his service? No. Not yet. You don’t want to call too much attention to it in case he doesn’t want to talk about it or he’s had bad experiences, but you’re still not sure how to respond. Have you taken too long already? 

You summon up some courage and type out a message. 

4:31 a.m Oh wow. Well, what would you have studied if you had gone?

You cringe, totally not meaning for that to sound like you were completely skipping over the issue altogether. James doesn’t seem to mind though, if his response is any indication. 

4:32 a.m hmm history i think. ive always liked ww2 4 some reason

4:33 a.m well you’ve got AP european history girl right here. 1 of only 11 in the whole senior class to take it. 

4:34 a.m well, smartypants i get 2 q’s bc u asked 2 

You feel that you handled that effectively, and you were already beginning to formulate a plan in your head while he thought about his questions. 

See, you know next to nothing about the military or what it’s all about except that it is for valiant people who want to serve their country. You can respect that, but you want—nay, need—to learn more. Convincing yourself that it’s purely for research purposes and not for anything else.

Regardless, you need to know more. It’s probably better to get it from someone who has been through it rather than from some cold, impersonal online source. And besides, you just so happen to know someone who was in the military. Someone who, in fact, lost a limb in the line of duty: Bucky Barnes. 

As far as you know, Bucky lost his left arm in the military. You’d asked him before how he lost it and he hadn’t answered you, opting instead to change the subject to Steve and his new (at the time) art studio. It had been suspicious, but you understand that it must not be easy to speak about something like that. 

You’ll have to go talk to Steve tomorrow morning to get Bucky’s number, but you think that maybe you’ll treat him to lunch in exchange for him giving you some details about the whole military thing. At the company, you get an hour off for lunch, which is just enough time to go out, interrogate a friend (respectfully, of course), and head back before the hour is up. 

The plan was formed and you had your head already set on it. By the time James’ reply comes in, you’ve tuckered yourself out thinking that whole plan out. It is really late—er, early—after all. 

4:41 a.m 1 how was ur day 2 how r u likely to spend a friday night

4:43 a.m I feel like I’m taking a Buzzfeed quiz

You yawn again and type out your answers.

4:44 a.m my day’s just begun. it’s four a.m. And probably reading or something

You put your phone down, thinking that you’ll just leave it there and wait for his reply, but you end up turning over and falling asleep. 

In the morning, you turn your phone on silent again while you get ready for work, playing some music while you apply some light make-up. 

It turned out that James hadn’t answered you anyway, so you would have been up waiting for a text that wasn’t going to come. Good thing you passed out. 

Glancing at the clock, you notice that it’s 7:02 a.m and that Steve should be up. You don’t have to be at work until 8 and it’s not a long bus ride to get to work so you figure you can spare half an hour to haggle your best friend into giving up Bucky’s phone number. You wonder why you haven’t thought to get it sooner, figuring that you just never needed it. 

You and Bucky only ever hung out with Steve or the rest of the gang. He was a friend of yours, but the two of you had never been too close in the two years of knowing each other. That said, you had heard a lot about each other even before meeting from Steve, and Bucky had expressed in the past how annoying he found it when Steve was constantly mentioning you in casual conversation. 

It was the same with Bucky for you. Steve had been talking about his best friend Bucky ever since you had met him. It was in that way that you and Bucky had gotten to know each other sort of inadvertently. 

Heading out the door and across the hall, you knock on Steve’s door lightly a few times. He’s a light sleeper anyways, and you don’t want to wake the whole hall with loud knocking. You only opt for knocking this time in case he’s not decent or something. Otherwise, you would have used your key.

Sure enough, Steve answers the door within a few minutes, clad in flannel pajama pants, a white V-neck, and holding a steaming cup of coffee. It smells amazing, and you realize then that in your rush you’d forgotten to make yourself some. 

“Got another one of those and half an hour?”

Steve raises an eyebrow but steps aside to let you in. He’s a morning person, so you were sure on your way over here that you wouldn’t receive any resistance. 

“What do you need?” he asks you, pouring you a cup of coffee not unlike how he’d done it the night before. He pours in a generous amount of milk and some sugar before stirring it and handing it to you, just the way you like it. 

Blow, sip—“Mm,” you hum. “I need Bucky’s phone number.” You say it as nonchalantly as you can manage so as not to raise any flags to Steve, but by his surprised expression you can tell that you’ve raised them all. 

“Bucky? Why?”

You shrug like it’s no big deal. “He has some info that I need.” It sounds so covert and cheesy that you almost giggle, but you manage to keep your composure while sipping your coffee again. 

Steve tilts his head to the side almost imperceptibly, leaning his back against the counter across from you as you sit at a stool by his island. Said island juts out from a wall to half-enclose the kitchen area like a wrap-around ‘J’ with the island as the tail. 

After a few moments of silence, it becomes clear that Steve is waiting for you to elaborate, and when you don’t indulge, he sighs, setting his cup down and crossing his arms. 

“Okay, but don’t call him now,” Steve says, already ruffling in a drawer for a pen and paper. “He—he has trouble sleeping, and he needs as much of it as he can get before he has to work. And he’s taking Friday off so he has to log in more hours to make up the difference.” Steve hands you a piece of paper with numbers scribbled on it. 

“Got it,” you said, taking the paper and sticking it in your bag. “Thanks, Steve.”

“Yeah,” he smiles at you. “No problem.”

You stand and head to the door, plan in motion and feeling good about it. Then you remember something and turn as you’re walking toward the door. 

“Steve?”

He lifts his head from where he’s still standing in the kitchen sipping his coffee. You realize you’ve left yours there, but decide that it’s okay. You’ll survive. Somehow. 

“Yeah?”

“Mom is bringing over pasta around two, but I won’t be home,” you can already see his eyes lighting up. “I told her to make extra and that you should be back by then. Can you—”

“—keep it here until you get home?” He knows you so well, it’s scary. “Yeah, but don’t expect me not to try some of it first.”

You fix him with a warning finger. “I’ll be over at seven and I will expect there to be enough for dinner and lunch tomorrow.”

He holds his hands up. “Hey, we all know my metabolism requires a lot of calories per day, and two is just in time for a late lunch.”

“Steve,” you warn. 

“Alright,” he laughs. “I’ll leave some of your mother’s pasta for you for dinner.”

“That’s all I ask.” 

You walk back over, kiss his cheek, take one more sip of your coffee, and then leave. 

You tap your foot on the ground impatiently as you wait at your desk for the clock to turn from 11:29 to 11:30 so you can head for a bathroom break to call Bucky and find out if he’s busy for lunch. 

James hadn’t texted you all day, but you figure that’s okay. He doesn’t always have to text you. He has a life. You push him mostly out of your head, or you try to. You fail miserably. 

He’s the reason you’re meeting with Bucky anyways. As much as you don’t want to admit it, that’s the truth. Of course, you can’t tell Bucky that. You’ll just sound stupid. And then Bucky will tell Steve and Steve will have some sort of “talking to strangers is bad” intervention with you. You definitely don’t want to endure that. 

11:30 hits and it’s officially been half an hour since your actual bathroom break. You don’t want to call attention to yourself in the office that you share with a whole bunch of other people in too-tightly-packed cubicles. You grab the slip of paper Steve had given you and head to the elevator. 

By the time you make it to the downstairs bathroom, you realize that you forgot your phone upstairs on your desk. Great. Now what are you going to do? If you go back up to get it, you’ll look suspicious. Of course, you shouldn’t really care what your coworkers think of you, but you do. Everybody says they don’t care about peer acceptance but most actually do. 

It’s human nature.

You sigh angrily and look around. The lobby is all marble floors and a little shop where they sell overpriced snacks and drinks. There’s a desk to the left of the elevator bank with one woman sitting in a black wheelie chair making and taking phone calls.

Can you just ask her to borrow one of her phones? There’s an empty seat next to her. Maybe you can explain your situation and just ask this woman if you can borrow the phone. 

The only thing is that you don’t know this woman. Your supers rented the office space with the endless rows of cubicles  from the people who owned the building. This woman obviously works for the building management, and not for anyone you know. 

You decide it’s better that she doesn’t know you. It’s less personal. You can call Bucky, discuss details, and be done with it. 

You sidle over and lean on the high desk. Its polished marble top is so high that you have to lean over it a little to see the woman. She’s plump, with dark hair, blue eyes, and a squished face. She looks the opposite of friendly. She’s wearing a black headset that you realize is some sort of Bluetooth. 

You wait until she is done speaking to talk to her. 

“Um, hello?”

She doesn’t look at you for a moment, reaching up instinctively as if she thinks you’re in her headset before she realizes she’s speaking to a real person. She eyes you. 

“What?”

You were right to guess she wasn’t very friendly. 

“I was wondering if I could borrow your phone,” you say kindly. “I have to call someone and I accidentally left my phone upstairs.”

She looks bored and eyes you for another second before looking back at her computer screen. “Just go up and get it.”

“It’s urgent,” you lie. Man, this is going to be awkward after you make the call right in front of her and she finds out its personal.

She eyes you again. “You have five minutes.”

You smile at her. “I’ll only need three.”

You wait as she plops one of the black phones on top of the counter, and it’s so high that you have to go up on your tiptoes to see the number pad. 

“Type extension 382 first, then the number.”

With that, she gets back to her work and you pull the phone from the receiver. You flatten the paper on the desk and do as she instructed. 

You wonder if he’ll even pick up. This will be an unknown number to him, and you know that if it were you, you wouldn’t answer. 

It rings three times before a familiar, gruff voice answers.

“Hello?”

“Bucky? It’s Y/N.”

He sounds surprised. “Y/N?” There’s a pause, a honking noise, and then he sounds as if he’s realized something. “Steve gave you my number.”

“Yeah,” you say. “I had to call you from a work phone, though.”

You catch the woman looking up at you briefly and can tell she’s annoyed that this is a personal call. You’re sure this call needs to be as short as you can possibly make it or else you’re afraid she’ll just cut it herself. 

“Oh.”

“Listen, are you busy for lunch in, like, half an hour?”

Bucky thinks for a moment on the other line and the lady looks at you again, her gaze becoming more venomous. You’re pretty sure that once she looks at you a third time she’s going to end your call for you. 

Just as you’re about to scold him for an answer, Bucky speaks up. 

“Yeah, I’m—”

You feel bad, but you have to cut him off. 

“Okay, great. Meet me at the Deli down the street from Steve’s studio at 12 sharp. My treat.”

Bucky chuckled on the other end. “Your treat? What do you need from me?”

You smile despite the situation. “Just your brain.”

“Sure you don’t want Banner or Stark for that one?”

“I’m sure,” the woman was giving you her last angry glare. You had to go. “See you then, Buck.”

“Looking forward to having my brain probed. Bye, Y/N.”

You hang up, thank the lady, and make your way back upstairs as fast as you can. 12:00 can’t come quick enough. 

Bucky wonders what you want to talk to him about as he drives a company truck to the deli and parallel parks a couple blocks down. The flatbed of the truck is filled with mismatched pieces of junk, from broken computers to the plastic from the top of a printer. It’s all stuff that can be broken down and reprocessed at a plant. 

The city is taking down an old building and putting a new office building up in its place. It’s Bucky’s job as the assistant to take all the not-so-useless junk and dispose of it somewhere where it can be reused. 

He doesn’t have to be at the plant until two, and he finished loading everything up early, so he has about two hours or so to spare. 

Walking into the Deli, he’s hit with a wave of merciful heat and he immediately pulls his coat off. The deli is small with few patrons a small line for take-out. One woman is sipping an iced coffee through a straw while she types madly on a computer. Two men are sitting at a table wearing yellow vests and eating huge subs. Bucky wonders if he would have ended up as one of them, working for the DPW if he hadn’t begun working with the demolition company. 

It takes him barely a moment of looking around to find Y/N sitting in a corner flanked by two windows with an empty seat across from her. There’s a wrapped sandwich and a water sitting on the table in front of the other seat. 

She’s smoothing out the wrapper of her own sandwich as if the creases in the paper wrapping are offending and should not be allowed to exist. 

“Hey,” he says, walking over and taking a seat in front of her. 

She looks up at him and smiles. “Hey,” she shoots back, and then nods to the sandwich. “Got you a BLT.”

Bucky’s suspicions are steadily growing. He pulls the paper from around the sandwich and lays it on the table as Y/N had done, though he couldn’t care less about the creases. He looks between the sandwich and the girl, eyeing both with the suspicion of someone who thinks he’s being played. 

“What’s this about?” he asks. 

She swallows and puts her sandwich down, looking like she’s about to ask him a ground-breaking, life-changing question. Her eyes quickly flick over to his arm and he’s suddenly very sure he knows what this is about. 

But that’s strange. Yesterday—or really early this morning—he was talking to Y/M/N about him having been in the military. Now Y/N is eyeing his arm like she really wants to ask what happened but she doesn’t want to sound impolite. 

Then there’s the fact that they’re both editors. That’s weird. And how Y/N reminds him of Y/M/N. 

He’s an apopheniac, he has to be. He’s seeing coincidences where there really aren’t any. It’s his brain playing tricks on him. In truth, maybe he just wants this strange girl to be Y/N. Though, probably not. Then again, maybe this whole time he thought he was jealous of Y/N for being so close to Steve, he was really jealous of Steve for being so close to Y/N. 

That thought derails him so fast that he doesn’t hear it when Y/N actually asks her question. 

She lets out a breath as if it’s a load-off to finally ask him, and he’s struck with the realization that if he says he didn’t hear her, she probably won’t take it well. He waits for her to say something else, but when she doesn’t he takes a leap of faith based on her glance at his arm. 

“You want to know how I lost my arm,” he says, rather than asks. If her expression of shock and discomfort is any indication, he’s screwed up. 

Big time.

Shit.

“I mean,” she straightens in her chair. “I guess—it’s sorta part of it? Yeah.”

She sounds so lost and he feels so bad. 

He still has no idea what her original question was though. ‘Part of it.’ His thoughts drift back to his earlier conversation with the girl he’s been talking to over text. The military. Could that be what Y/N wants to know about?

No, it’s just too weird. There’s no way. But he has to know. 

“The military? You want to know about the military?”

She nods, looking slightly guilty. “Yeah,” he tries not to let his breath of relief show, “I—uh, fact-checking. I’m fact-checking an article.”

Bucky nods slowly, sandwich forgotten. She’s a terribly liar. “You’re a terrible liar.”

Sitting back as if she’s been punched in the gut, she blinks once, twice, three times—“I’m not lying.”

“Your body language gives you away.”

“Is that something you learned in the military?”

Bucky chuckles. “That’s something I learned from a whole lot of spy movies. Seriously, why do you want to know?”

She takes a bite of her sandwich and speaks around it. Altogether, not the most sexy, but that’s okay. 

“Research,” she says slowly.

Bucky creases his eyebrows. “For?”

“For a project?”

“If you’re going to lie, at least lie with conviction,” Bucky says. “One of these days, I’m going to teach you how to lie the right way.”

Laughing, she pulls her chair in a little more and sits forward. The picture of seriousness, she says, “Alright, if I tell you, you need to promise me you won’t tell Steve.” She sounds reluctant to tell him at all. This must not have been her plan. 

Bucky draws a cross over his heart with his index finger. “Cross my heart or hope to die.”

She shakes her head. “Gotta be stronger than that. You have to pinkie promise.”

He gasps dramatically. “Not a pinkie promise. This must really be serious.”

Reaching over, she swats his arm. “Buck, I’m serious.”

“Okay, okay,” he surrenders, holding up his pinkie. She links hers with his and he’s momentarily struck by how soft her skin is. Then it’s over. “Tell me.”

She steels herself, he can see it. Jeez, it must really be something serious or she wouldn’t be swearing him to secrecy using childish, yet efficient tactics. It strikes him that she tells Steve everything, same as him, so for her to say she doesn’t want him to know must mean it’s not necessarily something good.

He lets himself think for a moment that she might be about to confess that she’s the mystery girl he’s been texting. It’s much more likely, though, that she’s about to tell him she’s got feelings for Steve or something. 

Steeling himself as well, he waits as she takes a deep breath. 

“I may or may not—”

“You may,” he corrects. She glares at him. 

“—have answered a text from a guy who was trying to text someone else—” 

This is where Bucky stops listening and his internal monologue becomes one word: 

Fuck.

[bumblegem]

i dont think i really covered how amelia sorta. fell into beatrice’s and marion’s care, ive touched on her situation being Bad and that she was older when adopted. so like, even tho micha was adopted first, i see him being adopted as an infant vs mel being adopted when shes almost 5. so like. to touch on that really quick? 

edit: i said quick but this got. really long. heres an early tl;dr since this gets lengthy oops: a 4 yr old mel poisons herself twice, once on accident and once on purpose, bc she’s a very unhappy kid and her doctor-soon-to-be-mom was the only adult that’d had the patience and caring to even attempt understanding her.

essentially, when amelia was 4 she was in foster care that part has already been discussed before. at this point she’d been seperated from al for a little over a year, and she didnt know where he was or that he’d already been adopted out. she was old enough to remember him, and she was suffering extreme stress for a tiny body and couldnt properly process all of the emotions she was feeling and it resulted in her being a very very angry child who was often getting written off as poorly behaved and ill-mannered (especially if ever compared to al bc he shut down in a completely different way! he just stopped talking! he would just do as he told bc he didnt know what else to do!)

beatrice had been pulling a night shift when a 4 yr old mel was admitted with severe abdominal pain and vomitting. turns out it was accidental detergent poisoning, and it landed her in the hospital for about a week. (she was 4, it was figured to be an accident, she didnt realize what she was eating, and after a small investigation of the home it was determined to be an accident) during this time, beatrice had already sort of begun to fall in love with this kid. it took a lot, but when she /could/ get her to smile it was. it was great. she could see she was.. /struggling/, but mel couldnt ever really put into words why. bringing up her twin to anyone made everything feel like too much. towards the end of the week, during a shared lunch between beatrice and amelia, bee almost got a glimpse at it. asked amelia why shes got bruises on her knuckles and shins and mel kinda defensive. she cant explain it. she just gets. she just gets really mad sometimes and she doesnt know what to do so she hits and kicks. its probably something beatrice has seen, shortly after mel was told she couldnt go home with her temporary foster parents. and bee gently presses if amelia can tell her /why/ she gets so mad and for a moment she can see amelia wants to say something and instead. tears up and pushes herself back against the chair shes in and suddenly shes melting down and it takes a long while for beatrice to help her calm down.

its noted by other hospital staff and the foster parents that amelia reacts best to beatrice. shes really warmed up to her and she doesnt talk much but when she does its about beatrice. something they did together, maybe an art project or a book bee read to her. they’re grateful, kinda gives them hope that they can get through to her eventually. goodbye is kinda hard, more so on amelia who has a tantrum on the way out of the hospital. insists that they can bring her to visit but they’re. kinda hesitant, admit that she likely wont be staying with them much longer before moving on. not a whole lot bee can do, thats hard for her to hear but...

but then hey, shes back again, with more severe symptoms and the foster parents are giving up. shes been a wreck since coming home, they dont know how she did it, and they /really dont/, but they’re scared she got into something else and here they are again, less than a week later.

its after this that beatrice expresses interest and even gets a lawyer involved in the hopes of finding a way to bring amelia home with her instead. shes probably already told marion all about her, she works with a lot of kids but this little girl really resonated with her. and like... its not a story any of them tell. micha probably doesnt even know the full story, only knows the ‘bee was amelia’s doctor’ and might know about the first incident, bc that one /was/ and accident, but not the second. bc the second scared the fuck out of beatrice. bc she knew mel did it just to go back to the hospital, and she cared too much about this kid to let that happen again or let something /worse/ happen to her. 

its not something that mel brings up, i dont think most people think to even ask how someone met their adopted parents, but i know nosy people do like to ask about adoption stories. mel isnt gonna say ‘i almost killed myself when i was 4 bc i was desperate to see the one person that had the patience and care to listen to me’. maybe a light hearted, ‘haha yeah i drank some detergent on accident when i was a kid and then my doctor became my mom’. but even then its probably visibly clear shes uncomfortable with the story, and so are her mothers. and this isnt exactly family au specific, but it might play a role in her caution there. shes relaxed and locking up poisons is normal and expected, but like. in the instance of the swapped family au, when daliah is withdrawing and mel is struggling to fix things, remembers what herself did as a desperate kid and taking measures to make sure thats not a possibility.

[lightningfilledsaber]

Do not rəbl°g this p°st

Tw for mention/talk/description of gaslighting, ableism, racism, transphobia, gore/death, r*pe, sexual abuse, pedophilia, and inc*st.

Please blacklist/filter the tags #blacklistnow or #blacklist now if you don't want to read this

I'm adding this after I've already written this vent because I'm done being quiet about who has incestually abused me and some of the details of what happened to me. I will not be editing this to sound nicer or more coherent because I am not a nice or coherent victim. What happened to me was horrific and I won't water down my raw reaction to remembering what I went through.

Do not speculate/debate/invalidate my trauma and absolutely do not rəbl°g this post. It is incredibly fucking hard to be posting this. I am posting this however because my general silence on most of the things that have gone on has been my weakness and my former abuser has used that as power over me because my lack of detail is easy for him to manipulate to make him look like the victim. This is not detailing nearly everything that has happened to me, and I will not relive more of my trauma than I'm comfortable with, so keep that in mind as well.

I'm not airing urls/other accounts of my former abuser and (current?) stalker because I don't care if nobody knows who he (I am using he/him pronouns to refer to my former abuser because those are the only pronouns I have ever seen/been told that my former abuser uses. I have not been given any other examples besides he/him of the pronouns my former abuser has used or is using) is. He openly "jokes" about rape and pedophilia, says the n word both with and without the 'hard r' despite being nonblack, says r*tard despite not being on the autism spectrum, deadnames and misgenders trans folks, and owns a server with channels dedicated to talking about/posting both drawn child porn and graphic real life photos of gore, mutilation, and death of children and animals.

It goes without saying that the people in this server either actively participate in this or just dont give a shit. The people he associates with know his character. If you don't excuse the shit mentioned above then you don't have to worry about interacting with him, and frankly I'm tired and wary of putting myself at risk again for exposing him.

Do not rəbl°g this p°st

Fuck folks, what really pisses me off about everything I've gone through with being stalked, deadnamed, and just generally harassed by my stupid ex abuser and his stupid (now ex) boyfriend is that literally the whole reason I had put my neck out like that was bc I had seen a post abt how someone had warned the partner of their toxic ex and had helped them. I just fuckin. I saw that and I felt confident enough to be vulnerable to a fucking stranger because I thought I could help him like that person helped their ex's partner but it just turned around and kicked me in the ass.

Like fuck, this ex who is a TRANS MAN talked about wanting to kill me and called me, EXCLUSIVELY, her or it. Then had the AUDACITY to tell me that he was """just checking on me""" as if he was fucking worried about me?? And that I needed to stop venting about my abuser bc """it upset him"""????? Oh yeah lemme just take into consideration the feelings of the person who lied, manipulated, abused, and yeah fucking raped me. Because pressuring someone into sex is fucking rape. And it wasn't even once! Once would've been enough but it was fucking CONSTANT! EVERY SINGLE TIME I CAME OVER. "Please can we do anal. Can we? Do you want to? Do you want to?" Over and over and over no matter how many times I shrugged or said maybe or said I wasnt ready or into it or that it was too much or even fucking RIGHT OUT SAID NO he would ask and ask and ask and ask until I caved in like YEAH. THAT'S RAPE MY DUDE. And to a lesser degree he, whether he actually has DID or OSDD or not, manipulated me into dating and being sexual with his "second personality" that had repeatedly misgendered and deadnamed me before. Not to mention the fact that HE TOLD ME HE HAD BEEN DATING SOMEONE WHO HAD EVENTUALLY KILLED HIMSELF BUT THEN LATER ADMITTED TO ME THAT HE WAS LYING ABOUT THEM DATING AND HE ACTUALLY WAS JUST STALKING HIM??? LOL. Not to mention that our """""relationship""""" started with him manipulating me in what was and is still for me the most humiliating way fucking possible. I'm not gonna talk about that but he fucking lied to me and tried to convince me that I had fucking TOLD MY DAD I WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM, MY DAD, and that he felt bad bc it was his fault for """corrupting me""" WHEN MY FUCKING DAD HAD DIED ALMOST A FULL FUCKING YEAR BEFORE OUR FIRST """""RELATIONSHIP"""""" He gaslight me so fucking BAD so fucking constantly even about the dumbest shit but that was the fucking worst. I started to fucking BELIEVE IT for a while it was so fucking bad. I didnt know what was real or fake I still dont know if his fucking ""second personality""" is real or not I dont KNOW. He just fucking downplayed EVERYTHING he did to me and had the fucking AUDACITY to say I was the reason he THOUGHT about killing himself like???? NAH LMAO. YOU USED SUICIDE AND SELF HARM AS A THREAT TO KEEP ME WITH YOU OR HAVE SEX WITH YOU OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANTED AT THAT TIME. YALL WANNA KNOW THE WORST PART ABOUT ALL OF THIS??? THAT VERY FUCKING FEW PEOPLE KNOW BECAUSE I AM TERRIFIED AND ASHAMED AND FUCKING HUMILIATED OF THIS STILL??? HES MY FIRST FUCKING COUSIN. THIS SON OF A BITCH MANIPULATED ME INTO THINKING INCEST WAS OKAY BECAUSE I WAS AN EASY TARGET FOR BEING NAIVE SO HE COULD FUCK ME. I HAD ALREADY FUCKING BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED IN THE PAST I ALREADY HAD FUCKING ISSUES. HE MADE ME THINK INCEST WAS OKAY AS LONG AS WE ""NEVER HAD KIDS""" I WAS SCARED AND TRIED SO HARD TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT WHAT WAS HAPPENING WAS OKAY THAT WE """DATING"""" WAS OKAY AND THAT BEING MY BOYFRIEND WAS OKAY AND EVEN THAT FUCKING BRINGING OTHER PEOPLE INTO OUR FUCKING RELATIONSHIP WAS OKAY BECAUSE HE FUCKING GASLIGHT ME SO BAD. HE MANIPULATED AND GASLIGHT AND ABUSED ME SO BAD THAT MY FUCKING BEST FRIENDS COULDNT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE I WOULDVE LASHED OUT AT THEM OUT OF FEAR AND SHAME BECAUSE HE MADE ME THINK THAT SHIT WAS OKAY. SO YEAH. FUCK HIM. FUCK THIS SITUATION. AND FUCK HIS EX BOYFRIEND. BET HE DIDNT FUCKING TELL YOU WE WERE COUSINS HUH?????? YEAH. WONDER WHY. CAUSE HE'S A FUCKING PATHOLOGICAL LIAR AND COULD GET AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE I'M STILL AND ALWAYS WILL BE FUCKING ASHAMED AND HUMILIATED WITH MYSELF FOR IT. FUCK YOU FOR BEING A DOUCHE TO ME. FUCK YOU FOR STARTING THIS SHIT. FUCK YOU AND FUCK HIM I HOPE YOU BOTH CHOKE

Do not rəbl°g this p°st