#do you ever think about how the full edited movie is sitting in Universal's cloud and yet they're not releasing it for a whole year

[enthusiasticmusicalquotes]

VANESSA DON’T PRETEND THAT USNAVI’S YOUR FRIEND WE ALL KNOW THAT HE LOOOooOooOOoOOOVE YOOOOOOOOOOU OOOOOOOOOOooOOOOOoOOOooooooOHHHH 

WOOOOW NOW THAT YOU MENTION THAT SEXUAL TENSION IS EASY TO SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 

YO THIS IS BOGUS 

HAVEN’T YOU NOTICED YOU GET ALL YOUR COFFEE FOR FREE

[thingwithfeathers]

tag 9 people to learn more about their interests

tagged by: @enniomorricone :)

MUSIC

fave genre? indie/alternative rock, and pop but not really current pop more like 80s/90s.

fave artist? bastille, twenty one pilots, fleetwood mac, the clash, the smiths, abba, probably a lot more i can’t think of right now.

fave song? my joint favourite songs are ‘with or without you — u2′ and ‘landslide — fleetwood mac’

most listened song recently? 'song for zula — phosphorescent’ it’s become one of my favoure songs ever.

song currently stuck in your head?  any abba song because i was listening to them a lot earlier.

5 fave lyrics?

“It’s a hell of a long way to fall just to learn to get up” — the mess, the naked and famous.

“But now it’s just another show / and you leave them laughing when you go / and if you care, don’t let them know / don’t give yourself away / i’ve looked at love from both sides now / from give and take and still somehow / it’s loves illusions that i recall / i really don’t know love at all.” — both sides now, joni mitchell (this entire song though! really hard to choose lyrically because it’s a masterpiece).

“See, honey, i saw love / you see it came to me / it put it’s face up to my face so i could see / yeah then i saw love, disfugure me / into something i am not recognising / see the cage, it called, i said come on in / i will not open myself up this way again / but my heart is wild and my bones are steel / and i could kill you with my bare hands if i was free.” — song for zula, phosphorescent.

"Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? / can the child within my heart rise above? / can i sail through the changing ocean tides? / can i handle the seasons of my life? / well, i’ve been afraid of changing / ‘cause i’ve built my life around you / but time makes you bolder / even children get older / and i’m getting older too.” — landslide, fleetwood mac.

“And then you put your hand in mine / and pulled me back from things divine / stop looking up for heaven / waiting to be buried / and all their words for glory / they always sounded empty / when we’re looking up for heaven.” — bastille, glory.

radio or your own playlist | solo artists or bands | pop or indie (depends!) | loud or silent volume in-between! I slow or fast songs | music video or lyrics video | speakers or headset | riding a bus in silence or while listening to music | driving in silence or with radio on.

BOOKS

fav book genre? just fiction in general. i’ve kind of grown out of young adult so i don’t really read a lot of that, and have been reading classics lately. just any books that make you really think and are written so beautifully that you can highlight quote after quote. i’ve also been reading a lot of non fiction spiritual books lately.

fav writer? recently, taylor jenkins reid. i’ve read two of her books and they’re incredibly gripping. love the simplicity and warmth of benjamin alire saenz as well, the care that ari & dante was written with. and also emily dickinson, especially her letters in particular to susan are just gorgeous.

fav book? aristotle & dante discover the secrets of the universe, wuthering heights, little women, a little life, and recently the seven husbands of evelyn hugo.

fav book series? i don’t really read book series, so the only thing coming to mind is harry potter which i only read for the first time about five years ago now.

comfort book? little women and aristotle & dante.

perfect book to read on a rainy day? any easy read, probably several i listed above.

fave characters? aristotle & dante, jo & beth march (little women), mina murray (dracula).

5 quotes from your fave books that you know by heart?

“You teach me now how cruel you’ve been — cruel and false. why did you despise me? why did you betray your own heart, cathy? i have not one word of comfort. you deserve this. you have killed yourself. yes, you may kiss me, and cry; and wring out my kisses and tears: they’ll blight you — they’ll damn you. you loved me — what right had you to leave me? what right — answer me — for the poor fancy you felt for linton? because misery and degradation, and death, and nothing that god or satan could inflict would have parted us, you, of your own will did it. i have not broken your heart — you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine. so much the worse for me that i am strong. do i want to live? what kind of living will it be when you — oh god! would you like to live with your soul in the grave?”  — wuthering heights, emily bronte (i could choose so many from this book but this is the most underrated one in my opinion and deserves more recognition).

“I will love you forever, whatever happens. ‘til i die and after i die, and when i find my way out of the land of the dead i’ll drift about forever, all my atoms, ‘till i find you again. i’ll be looking for you, will, every moment, evert single moment. and when we do find each other again we’ll cling together so tight that nothing and no one’ll ever tear us apart. every atom of me and every atom of you... we’ll live in the birds and the flowers, and the dragonflies and pine trees, and in the clouds and in those little specks of light you see floating in sunbeams... and when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me, we’ll be joined so tight...” — his dark materials (amber spyglass), philip pullman. (don’t talk to me, this quote makes me actually ache)

“I wanted to tell them that i’d never had a friend, not ever, not a real one. until dante. i wanted to tell them that i never knew that people like dante existed in the world, people who looked at the stars, and knew the mysteries of water, and knew enough to know that birds belonged to the heavens and weren’t meant to be shot down from their graceful flights by mean and stupid boys. i wanted to tell them that he had changed my life and that i would never be the same, not ever. and that somehow it felt like it was dante who had saved my life and not the other way around. i wanted to tell them that he was the first human being aside from my mother who had ever made me want to talk about the things that scared me. i wanted to tell them so many things and yet i didn’t have the words. so, i just stupidly repeated myself, “dante’s my friend.”” — aristotle & dante discover the secrets of the universe, benjamin alire saenz.

“There are many beths in the world, shy and quiet, sitting in corners till needed, and living for others so cheerfully that no one sees the sacrifices till the little cricket on the hearth stops chirping, and the sweet, sunshiny presence vanishes, leaving silence and shadow behind.”— little women, louisa may alcott.

“And so i try to be kind to everything i see and in everything i see, i see him.”— a little life, hanya yanagihara.

hardcover or paperback (paperback for general reading and hardback for special editions!) | buy or rent | standalone novels or book series | ebook or physical copy | reading at night or during the day | reading at home or in nature (i love nature and want to be able to read outside but i cannot be in nature without being hypervigilent of bugs so wouldn’t be able to concentrate) | listening to music while reading or reading in silence | reading in order or reading the ending (i also used to read the last line of a book first for a long time but i started to piss myself off when it wasn’t vague enough) | reliable or unreliable narrator  | realism or fantasy | one or multiple POVS | judging by the covers or by the summary (i can’t help it, i love pretty covers) | rereading or reading just once.

TV AND MOVIES

fave tv/movie genre? disaster/post apocalyptic, drama, sci-fi, documentary, occasional fantasy. i’m pretty on board with most things, other than horror but even that has some exceptions.

fave movie? titanic, shaun of the dead, little women (1994), eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, wuthering heights (2009 tv movie), portrait of a lady on fire, practical magic, the greatest showman, finding nemo, the grinch (2000).

comfort movie? finding nemo, little women (1994), shaun of the dead, all my favourite christmas movies which are too many to list.

fave tv show? friends, charmed, golden girls, gilmore girls, the walking dead, new girl. currently: 911.

most rewatched tv show? friends. i watch it almost every day and it would be impossible for me to count just how many times i’ve watched it from start to finish.

5 fave characters? all the friends on friends, piper halliwell (charmed), tara chambler (twd), glenn rhee (twd), maddie buckley (911).

tv shows or movies | short seasons (8-13 episodes) or full seasons (22 episodes or more) | one episode a week or binging (i’m conflicted because i miss the event of catching a show every week but at the same time once you binge watch you can’t go back) | one season or multiple seasons (but shows need to know when to stop) | one part or saga | half hour or one hour long episodes (depends on my mood) | subtitles on or off | rewatching or watching just once.

tagging: @bettyhofstadtdraper / @kubrickking / @koningen / @urispatty / @marmaladepotion / @mixye + anyone else that wants to do this, feel free to tag me to read :) !

[girlmeetsliv3]

How They Met You

@books-are-way-better-than-movies asked: Could I request a continuation of Taehyung and Jimin’s HTTY even if it’s just backstory to how Y/n met them. 

A.N: Hope you enjoy Taehyung subtle manipulation and y/n yet again making bad choices. Enjoy ~~

paintmeapictureofthedevil paintmeapictureofthedevil paintmeapictureofthedevil

Bland. Dull. Monochromatic - though not in a good way. That is how your life could be described. Born into the perfect family, perfect house, perfect cars, perfect nannies, and an even more perfect bank account. You hated complaining about it for you always remembered that there were people who would kill to have your life. What if things had played out differently, you would have killed to have it as well. There were certain benefits to the lifestyle you lived, but the consequences far outweighed them. The high stakes cutthroat lifestyle of the elite had you feeling as constricted as an eighteenth-century corset, one wrong step or diversion from the path laid out before you and you were sure to end up just Marie Antoinette had. Everything had been chosen for you, even who you would love: the awkward lanky, yet prodigal son of an innovative tech company with a legacy of four generations. It was an appropriate match as you were the heir to a mass telecommunications company operating for over five generations. It placed you above him in rank, but sexist customs decreed that your fiance was the one who would take care of you. You would have a career, marry before twenty-five, the companies would merge, and you would be left at home to tend to the children. Remaining that way until the two of you died or he left you for a younger more attractive women who always said yes.

Before all that could kick start, there was a university. In order to gain the full experience, you insisted on living on campus much to the dismay of your family. Eventually, after much convincing they relented and you began a new chapter in your life; one where you could actually be a normal person. In hindsight, you should’ve known the mistake you made when on the first day of moving in you met your front door neighbor: Kim Taehyung. The man was breathtakingly gorgeous and looked as if he stepped out of ancient greek and roman portraits that depicted Adonis or Cupid. Taehyung was the splash of color, you needed in your blank canvas of life. It just so happens that he needed you too, “I have a photography assignment that I needed to turn in like last week, but I’ve been dry on inspiration. Be my muse?” The two of you had only really spoken twice before he asked you, but Taehyung had a way of making others naturally feel at ease. An air of aloofness surrounded him and you didn’t see lending a helping hand as a problem. It became a problem when Taehyung’s idea of a helping hand meant the two of you getting it on in the floor of his studio with the camera on a timer, set to go off every couple of seconds. Capturing your rendezvous affair and lust-filled actions.

You wished that would have been the end of it. A mistake could happen to anyone and as long as one learned from it then it was all okay. It wasn’t. When you expressed your fears and concerns to Taehyung right after it happened, he simply laughed it off. “Darling, it's not that deep. Don’t you think your fiance is balls deep in some girl as we speak?” Nonetheless, you avoided him after that. Figuring it was better to be safe than sorry, not being aware that Taehyung was determined to have you no matter what. The next time came at a party, a group of your friends was smoking when you decided to join them. That night you came to discover that the mixture of alcohol and weed in your body only served to make you horny. You weren’t exactly sure what happened that night, only that you once again woke up with Taehyung’s arms wrapped around you. The camera perched right next to him on the nightstand. From there the two of you were inseparable. Being with him was like being on a constant adrenaline rush, never knowing what decision he would make next. Taehyung could sit and watch the clouds move one second and then suddenly be bungee jumping the next. “I live in the moment. As one should.” He lived recklessly you would say. It was all rather entertaining until it suddenly wasn’t.

Taehyung and you had been together for about three years, in those three years only two things were ever a concern to him: his art and you. It was refreshing and flattering at first, but Taehyung had a tendency to obsesses over specific things. When it wasn’t spending twelve hours locked in a room trying to perfectly edit an image or paint, it was twelve hours that he spent making sure that all you saw, thought about, and needed was him. The bubble popped approximately a week before your graduation, your fiance messaged you asking to catch up. To say an argument ensued was an understatement. All this time, Taehyung had assumed you would give up everything for him. Despite how much you claimed to hate your life, you were accustomed to it. You also understood that it was for the survival of your family, to create a legacy. Something that he could never understand. So you left to meet with your betrothed and inevitably sealed your fate. 

The meeting between the two of you felt more like a business arrangement than anything else. “I’m not getting any younger and neither are you, [y/n]. I am also aware that your graduating and going to begin working on your father’s company soon. I do believe now is the best time to make our engagement official and begin it.” And they say romance was dead. Even if you wanted to argue, that very night your father had called and reminded you of the importance of family. “Oh and that boy you’ve been seeing. I’m sure you know what to do.” After that, you called Taehyung and ended things. You were surprised with how well, he managed everything but he’d always been an enigma. “At the very least, come pick up your stuff whenever you can.” You agreed to stop by tomorrow in order to have a proper goodbye. Once again, Taehyung’s definition of a proper goodbye was slightly different from yours: three cups of wine and a night of passionate raw sex. All while his camera, hidden under a stack of books, recorded everything - unbeknownst to you.

You didn’t wait until morning, opting to sneak out before he woke up. Taking him in one last time, before you kissed him goodbye. A new chapter in your life was to begin: one where there would be no room for romance, adventure, and joy. One with no room for Taehyung. Taehyung had once confessed to you, he was not a fan of books and how constricted they were. If there was no room for him in the story of your life, then he would simply rip it to shreds and rewrite it.

[premk-blog]

“Latest Trending Technologies” --Every One Must Know

Our privacy is only private for us as we keep setting privacy and security setting in the web platform, but public for computer mastermind and intelligent people. “Nothing is private in this universe since the internet started to roam around the world.” We must know the absolute reality, “We are not allowing our mobile phone or new techno gadget to lick the information, but we are only the responsible person to make it happen because we store the information not in the brain, not we think better to put down note, but we think, the demand of the time, we keep it safe in the mobile phone or new techno gadget where the data is stored on cloud storage. And, it has better access from any type of device through application which can dig deeper inside our privacy to hurt us.” That’s true— “My phone is spying on me.” So what we need to know is— “How are we perceiving our today’s world? And how was before?” We need to update ourselves on New Trends on Technology which help us to know how to deal with and use it properly without any harm physically and mentally for the living beings but for the advantage of the world.

Let me first perceive the world from my point of view!

The world what we have been observing since our childhood is the world full of excitement, happiness and enjoyment with the family, with the friends, and with the places of the time. That beautiful days are no more.  When we were telling stories with friends while walking way up or down to reach school on time. Whether the stories were about superstitions, hypothetical or movies of the time. We have that thing— happiness, friendliness in that time. But the life is not as that as in this digital world.

Now, it’s totally different. The world that we have been observing since the Internet started and growing of technology and handy useful gadgets is the world full of collections of millions of devices showering the market place everywhere on the people’s head around the world where people can search happiness and excitement being alone sitting on the corner side of room. Even, we have forgotten that we’re also a member of this world, but we are working as a member of the global village.

So we cannot live without being unknown about the technology trends that are growing such as the fastest bullet train or like the high skyscrapers making them higher and higher soon ranking them differently higher. As the Forbes.com says, ” We are amidst the 4th Industrial Revolution, and technology is evolving faster than ever. Companies and individuals that don’t keep up with some of the major tech trends run the risk of being left behind. Understanding the key trends will allow people and businesses to prepare and grasp the opportunities.”

The future is always fascinating with the growth of tremendous innovative exciting developments in the coming year. Learning is a must to know the new technology trends to keep update and utilize appropriately or get benefit in time. Here are some of the Latest Trending Technologies.

1. 5G

5G is the fifth generation of mobile network technology. It brings a huge amount of benefits, such as high internet speed, higher capacity, and lower latency. It gives us supersonic download and upload speeds as well as more convenient stable internet connection. Year 2020 is the gateway to dive into many countries and cities to serve the internet with 5G affordable data plans with greatly improved coverage. This is widely available in most of the upcoming advanced devices like camera as well and applied in new industrial, automotive, medical and educational sectors.

2. Quantum Computing

Quantum computing is based on the principles of quantum theory. It enables industries to tackle problems they never would have attempted to solve before. And the quantum computing market will grow strongly through the next decade, according to a Tractica market report. A quantum computer can be the potential to be millions of times more powerful than today’s most powerful supercomputers.

3. Artificial Intelligence (AI) and Machine Learning (ML)

Artificial intelligence is serving the world greatly by its technological development to perform task such as image recognition, speech or patterns, and decision making more quickly and accurately than a human. ML and AI are widely used which will improve the performance of marketers which relatively increase the percentage in efficiency, quality and business results. The intelligent mind of human can increase the quality in work, performs and complete the task easily just like the ability of machines to learn and act intelligently will absolutely transform our world. For example, social media platforms use machine learning to get a better understanding of how you’re connected with those in your social network. They do this by analyzing your likes, shares and comments and then prioritizing content from your closest connections, serving you that content first.

4. IoT (Internet of Things)

Now-a-days, people choose the internet as a mode of communication. Millions of people are sharing their information and communicating widely creating a global village in one place. IoT is transforming our life day by day. It will connect each object to the internet in some way or the other. Whether it’s the refrigerator door or the furniture, the sensors that would calculate and send the data to the cloud will be mounted. In other words, it would soon turn out our Mother Nature would be Smart Nature. It connects ever-growing number of “smart” devices and objects connected through internet. And such devices are helpful to gather and transmit data which will be the source for Big Data and AI. Big Data is the amount of data that is created in our world due to the connectivity of internet. Augmented analytics helps to work with enormously complex and varied streams of Data stored around the world.

5. Blockchain

This is the method of storing, authenticating and protecting data while doing business through internet. It is a decentralized digital ledger that stores transactions on thousands of computers around the globe. It increases security and speeds up the exchange of information in a manner that is cost-effective and more transparent.

6. Genomics and Gene Editing

Genome is the branch of molecular biology concerned with the structure, function, evolution, and mapping of genomes and Gene Editing is a group of technologies that give scientists the ability to change an organism’s DNA. These technologies allow genetic material to be added, removed, or altered at particular locations in the genome. Advances in computing and analytics have driven incredible leaps in our understanding of the human genome. Now, we’re progressing to altering the genetic structure of living organisms (for example, “correcting” DNA mutations that can lead to cancer).

7. 3D and 4D printing and additive manufacturing.

4D printing is the process through which a 3D printed object transforms itself into another structure over the influence of external energy input as temperature, light or other environmental stimuli. Although this may seem low-tech compared to some of the other trends, 3D and 4D printing will have very wide applications.

8. Natural language processing.

It’s also a branch of AI which deals with the interaction between computers and humans using the natural language. The ultimate objective of NLP is to read, decipher, understand, and make sense of the human languages in a manner that is valuable.

9.  Cloud and edge computing.

The data centers available to many users over the Internet is cloud computing. We can store data on other computers and accessed via the internet. We can have the access of applications and data from any location worldwide and from any device with an internet connection. Edge computing – where data is processed on smart devices (like phones). It optimizes internet devices and web applications by bringing computing closer to the source of the data.

10. Extended or Crossed Reality (XR)

Extended Reality (XR) refers to all-real and virtual combined environments and human-machine interactions made by computer technology and wearables, where the ‘X’ represents a variable for any current or future spatial computing technologies. It covers several new and emerging technologies being used to create more immersive digital experiences. To the point it is a virtual, augmented, and mixed reality. Virtual reality (VR) provides a fully digitally immersive experience where you enter a computer-generated world using headsets that blend out the real world. Augmented reality (AR) overlays digital objects onto the real world via smartphone screens or displays (think Snapchat filters). Mixed reality (MR) is an extension of AR, that means users can interact with digital objects placed in the real world (think playing a holographic piano that you have placed into your room via an AR headset).

[k-bloggs]

Have an embarrassing read at something i tried to write a couple years ago. back when i was happy lol

My First Blog. – 20/11/16

Okay, so here goes. This is my first ever attempt at anything like this really. I have written before in many different formats and styles but I don’t know what’s come over me lately but I feel inspired to write again and I know as well as anyone else this isn’t a typical feeling that comes along every so often so by fuck I am gonna’ grab it and take a chance and see where I end up.  I literally just unlocked and locked my phone again there because I’m trying to have a proper focused dedicated mind to attempting this. I’m not even too sure what I’m supposed to do in a blog, what even is a blog? I don’t know but I know that I’ve wanted to start making a journal of things that are going on in my life but due the fact I am extremely lazy this may be very seldom so the next update could be quite a while so don’t expect anything too frequent.

Like I said I’m not even too sure what I am meant to be doing or how I am even meant to go about it, I am a firm believer in the fact that writing doesn’t have to be performed or practised in any particular way. That there is essentially no wrong or right way in how it is carried out or laid out, but I feel like I just want to do something a bit more productive with my life from now on. A long childhood friend has recently started doing animations and making his own videos and uploading them to YouTube and to be quite honest they are great, its so great to see something like that, the thing about Ryan Is that our friendship took a bit of a standstill when we were kids must have been between the ages of 8 and 10 at least. Ryan and his family were emigrating to New Zealand and as a kid yeah you see this as a big thing but you don’t realise the likelihood of seeing them as often is completely and utterly abolished due to the fact you have no idea how much it would cost to fly out there. Ryan must be around 18 or 19 now and I just turned 20 there this year, and its great to see we still have so much in common, to just spit it out and be clear after seeing that this is what he into it kind of inspired me to get back to what I love doing. I love writing. I’m not so much of a reader which is the weird thing, again all down to my laziness, if a book doesn’t get my attention within the first paragraph or so I find it very hard to stick with it or even go back to it if I do manage to finish a chapter. The same applies for the likes of articles and campaigns and any form of literature really. But I thought hey you know what it’s about time I started doing what I love and even more its about time I start love what im doing.

Just to be clear, this year has probably been one of the biggest milestones of my life. I finally did it, I finally got a girlfriend. Fuck. It’s still weird even saying that, so yeah I will leave the ultimate love story of the century to maybe the next blog or edition whatever the fuck you want to call this. This is mainly just for me to get to grips with the style that im going to write in, if I do choose to carry on with this (Which I feel like I will). If anyone reads this yeah, awesome im happy someone out there is reading my stuff but to be honest this if for me as much as it is for anyone else out there. I want to see what I can do and if this really is the best time to get back into writing, basically one side of me is saying yeah what the hell go for it you need something like this but at the same time as there always is, the polar opposite emotion of just fear I guess? Not wanting to pick something up again only to go off my track record and drop this 5 minutes later like I do with everything else? But hey its 7.15pm on a frosty Sunday night in November, what else am I going to do? Sit, procrastinate and wish I had of done something useful.

Not that im going off track because essentially there isn’t much to this article its just me spamming a lot of stuff down so who ever reads this can kind of of get a grip of where I am right now in life and basically why I’m doing this. So here goes, I dropped out of college for last week. For the second time…

Yeah im officially a two time college dropout, nothing t be proud of I assure you, but im just waiting for the opening credits to roll ad realise im in the first scene of a really shitty coming of age movie where im the older brother your parents don’t want you to turn out like.

But yeah, I left school at 16 and went to a technical college, basically an establishment which offers a-levels to people who didn’t get back into school or else didn’t want to go back to school. I studied a 2 year course in creative media production and honestly it was awesome, it was so fucking cool and the course didn’t have that many uninteresting or boring areas, but yeah you guessed it I was lazy didn’t do any of the work and just took advantage of the whole independent learning aspect of it and never bother showing up for class plus a whole pile of other steamy shit went on that year that we are just not gonna discuss at this moment in time. But coming towards the end of the second year when the course was gonna finish and In a couple months after that I would figure out if I got the grades to get into the uni of my choice I asked my teachers if they would be wiling to let me come back and repeat the second year of the course. They were more than happy to, they gave me exactly what I needed, a fresh slate and a chance to correct myself, and you know what happened? Yeah your right I totally blew it and fucked up again just hated the thought of working or studing in media for any longer. Like I loved making short films and writing screenplays and everything I even liked some of the assignments but basically I had it in my head I didn’t want a career from this anymore due to the fact it was something I loved so much and it was basically kicking my ass all day, all fucking week long. The only thing that got me through that repeated year of college was the girl of my dreams and we weren’t even going out yet. But as said before there is more to come with her, she deserves the whole word so the least I can do is dedicate one sole piece of writing to me and her and our story, truth is there are not enough words in the world to even begin to describe who she is and how she thinks and works and even jus to describe how she came into my life, yes a combination of letters on a page or screen may work for some people but no, not for her. This girl is a queen from another realm, she is a princess from a faraway kingdom, she is an angel from heavens further and beyond the highest clouds. She is the love of my life and that is the only way to explain her and who she is. But getting back to the educational fuck ups In my life, here goes the explanation to how I arrived here, 5 days after dropping out of another course. This time I was studying IT, you know trying to go down that route of career, thinking of my future and what not? Yeah that didn’t go to plan either, I basically rejected a full time promotion on good money and I hadn’t regretted anything as much in my life. Basically college was another fuck up and let’s just say I managed to get out and finished a bit earlier this time rather than waste my own time and anyone else’s. Plus, if I carried on with these next two years that would 5 years of studying A-levels just for me to be a whining little bitch about how I didn’t want to go to university. I am just at the stage of my life now, not where I am considering moving out and settling down but some things don’t appeal to me the same as they used to. Going to uni and living and experiencing that independence in life and finding a career path and devoting the rest of my life to something I may not even be happy at? Na, no thanks not for me. Not at this moment in time anyway. For right now I’m happy enough to keep my eyes and ears open for what all jobs are available for me and what foot to put next in front of me. Get a couple extra pounds in my pay check each fortnight and you know that might do for year or so. Maybe get back on the studying boat in a year or two and carry on with the IT. That is, you know if I don’t become like a stereotypical copy of a character you would expect to see in a ‘Community’ reboot.

I was watching a clip of Jim Carey giving a speech a couple of days ago and basically what I got from it was that he had returned to his old school or college or university or whatever in order to give a commencement speech or he was receiving his award or something anyway not really vitally important. What is important is what he said in his speech, basically his message he was getting across as in most motivational speeches, is the reinforcement of using fear to help you rather than to put you off, accepting fear and accepting that no matter what you will fail, but that’s okay and if it wasn’t for the fact that accepting it you wouldn’t have the drive to reach for greatness like so many greats have done before you, whether they have made it to great fame and fortune or if it was just the regular girl from a small town who made a life and career for herself because it’s what she wanted to do. Anyway, Carey says, “You will only ever have two choices, love or fear. Choose love and don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart.” Basically what Carrey is telling us here is to embrace fear, don’t avoid it, stare down the barrel of its gun charge at it and conquer it, but never let it conquer you, never let fear become the objective always make sure it rises no more than an obstacle in your course, a mountain you must climb or a hurdle you must leap over. Defeating fear is never the final piece of the puzzle. Like walking in a straight line, you put your left leg forward and then do exactly the same with your right, repeat until you arrive where you need to be? Well, fear is that first big step. The first big step into a new world and a new environment and mind set and who knows what it’s going to throw at you. But you need to remember that it’s there to make sure you don’t triumph in whatever you set out to do, but you can’t move forward without taking that step. Then comes the next step, failure. And as stated before yeah, your gonna fail, your gonna fail and you’re going to fuck up and mess up and trip up, over and over and over again, this is the repetitive steps the same as walking that we take to go in a straight line, the same works with this. Without taking the same repetitive bullshit same old story steps in life, we will never reach the finish line that is success.

[thelastlesbean]

okay but imagine this pt 2

Aftg Buzzfeed unsolved au pt 2 inspired by @aglionbyfoxes​. Find part 1 here.

Andrew is still Sceptical™ about ghosts, but aliens? 100% most definitely Real. This seems like common knowledge tho so it doesn’t come up until...

It’s a movie night with all the foxes and Neil managed to even coax Andrew into coming by promising tons of ice cream and less innocent things he likes 

The foxes are all huddled up around the tv and watch The Fourth Kind 

(Which if you haven’t seen it yet you should check the trailer of here) 

Now there are two reactions to this movie:

Either A) you are scared shitless because fucking hell how can u not believe after seeing that (People who fall in this category: Matt, Allison, Dan, Kevin and (although he will never in a million years admit it:) Andrew) 

Or B) you think its paranormal activity levels of Bad (People who fall into this category: Nicky (surprisingly), Renee, Aaron and... )

Neil

Andrew can’t fucking believe it

“you believe in fucking ghosts but not in aliens which are statistically more probable?????!!!????? Don’t they teach you anything in maths????” 

It’s the first thing andrew says when they’re on the roof 

but like Andrew is Offended okay

His idiot junkie really is stupid 

Neil in the meanwhile just blinks at him like 

“u believe in aliens but not in GHOsts” 

It becomes a Thing 

That bugs Andrew enough to actually so something about it 

So... he goes to Kevin the history Nerd™ for help because surely there needs to be proof in history of aliens existing 

They live in a universe where fucking stickball is a thing so aliens shouldn’t be a reach

Kevin actually delivers with stories and paintings of things that look a hell of a lot like space crafts and spacemen 

Andrew basically holds a presentation for Neil thats how dedicated he is to proving him wrong 

Now Neil is the one who is Sceptical™

Because like yeah those paintings exist but who tf knows it could have been fashion back then and it could have looked like that for any number of reasons 

Kevin is back to useless status when he kind of half heartedly agrees with Neil

Next up: Actual footage of flying saucers and interviews and all that stuff that is also very much Proof and his junkie better fucking believe him now 

But when Neil sees it

When Neil fucking sees it 

He has the nerve 

to throw Andrew’s words of “that could just be edited with special effects or even just dressed up people/” back at him 

 Never has Andrew hated him more 

He also realizes that he went about it the wrong way 

So....

Andrew drops the whole thing for two weeks while he plans 

Fun fact about the idiot called Neil Josten: if u want to get through that thick skull of him you can’t rely on the facts

no no no 

instead you have to rely on feelings and smarts and stories

It’s a saturday when he drags Neil Nicky and Kevin out of bed 

Without telling them where they’re going other than making them bring some of the semi useful ghost hunting stuff they get in Andrew’s Maserati

See as it turns out there’s actually quite an active location with alien sightings a few hours from PSU 

It’s in the middle of the woods

Nicky and Kevin complain the moment they arrive but a glare from Andrew shuts them up 

For a little while at least 

Neil is just walking around with a stupid smile on his face that makes Andrew’s hand twitch 

fuck his junkie with his stupid opinions on what is real and what isn’t 

So yeah they’re actually renting a cabin 

Which Nicky is v excited about even though its shitty 

and he has to share a room with Kevin who has been snoring enough lately for Neil and Andrew to kick him out 

 Andrew instructs them to set up the semi useful ghost hunting stuff 

and for Nicky to record everything 

There was a report about sightings the day before around the very cabin they’re in so Andrew comes as close to hope as he does

He’s still Andrew after all 

That night it gets real 

Andrew dragged them out of the cabin in the middle of the night 

And now they’re walking around the woods 

Nicky is recording everything and mindlessly chattering to the camera when he finally points it at Andrew and asks “So Andrew what are we actually doing here?” 

“We’re alien hunting” Neil answers instead of him with a shit eating grin 

The junkie has the nerve to actually go into detail on how Andrew tried to convince him to no avail that aliens are real 

Neil sadly doesn’t actually go up in smoke from the glare Andrew sends him

it actually seems to make him more excited about the whole thing 

"Why do you believe in aliens anyway?” Nicky asks Andrew then 

and ohhhh its on

Time to bring out the big guns 

“Story time” Andrew announces with about as much cheer as he can muster

Everyone is immediately focused on him 

“Way back when I lived in the middle of fucktown nowhere - which was in a desert - I saw something” 

It was at night 

One of those nights where he was left to sleep on a porch by his shitty foster parents after staying out too late 

as he was sitting on the porch he could see something move in the darkness

It was one of those super clear nights without any clouds at full moon

he could see.... something .... flashing from one rock to another in the distance

The movements unlike any he’d ever seen any animal on earth make

He followed whatever it was for a while with his eyes not daring to move

because while it was human shaped it was somehow... not human enough 

legs too long

a tail

skull a little too big 

it was fucking terrifying

Then when whatever it was reached a set of rocks three lights seemed to emerge from them 

shooting up in the sky and buzzing around for a while until disappearing entirely 

A rabbit shoots over the path in front of them and everyone except Andrew - including Neil let out a scream 

“Ok I believe in aliens now lets go back I dont think I want to encounter that” Nicky wails 

The others quickly agreeing 

Of course nothing really happens

They go to sleep 

There’s a rooftop window just above Neil and Andrew’s bed 

and just as the junkie is snoring softly next to him Andrew sees a few lights flash above the window

Buzzing around just like that night 

The second he reaches over to shake Neil awake they disappear

of fucking course 

The next morning they get back into the Maserati 

“Better luck next time” Neil says 

Andrew doesn’t even dignify that with a response 

two days later Nicky shoves his laptop up Andrew’s nose again

Check this out 

It’s the video of the trip 

It already has almost half a million hits 

Andrew low key is pleased about this

Nicky called the episode: Unsolved hauntings: alien abduction 

In the end it gets more views than any of their others combined 

Neil and Andrew decide to make it a bet

Whoever proves the existence of their paranormal beings first either a - gets to dress the other for a month or b - gets to decide what the other eats for a month 

and damn him to hell if Andrew would ever let Neil fucking Josten decide what he eats for a month

Those aliens better fucking show themselves

[jovial-insanity-blog]

Gravitational Pulls // Min Yoongi

Warnings: Language, Fluff overdose

A/N: So this is a Suga/Min Yoongi/Agust D reader insert fic, but I never actually mentioned his name anywhere in there (oops) so I figured I would clarify that before hand. Okay, you may continue my dears.

•••

The air is light tonight. Wind caressing exposed cheeks with chilled fingers, stars begining to sprinkle their dreamy light over the city park. Eyes glisten with the reflection of night lights. The moon, not out in its full glory yet, but it’s eerie glow leaking through the cloud cover enough to reveal itself. Stunning, as always, is the night sky. Just as stunning, perhaps, as what occurs beneath.

…………………………

“Isn’t it fascinating?” a feminine figure thinks aloud, a broad, crooked smile glistening pure white in the surrounding darkness. Her company raises an eyebrow, curious at the path his friends mind is wandering. “Isn’t what fascinating?” he ventures casually, continuing to stare at the dotted sky.

The girl sighs, leans back into the arm around her shoulders. It’s pleasant, the gentle presence of another persons warmth to chase away the nights chill, and she hums lightly before responding with a gentle, “The way that… everything that could be crashing down on us from up there, is suspended by something that, really, we can’t even see.”

A gentle smile comes to the man’s face at the words, hood slipping off as he turns to the young woman at his side. Of course that’s what she came up with, he smirks to himself, staring admiringly at the top of her head. Shes always coming up with nonsense like that, blowing his mind time and time again with how intensely philosophical she can be. “..How.” he voices aloud, though it was meant to be more of a thought. She backs off slightly in order to face him properly, confusion written on her pretty features. For a moment, he mourns the warmth that seeps away with her movement. The safety of another human by his side, comforting and gentle and reassuring in the semi-daekness. Though its lack of presence is disapointing, he also cant help but take another precious moment to admire her unintentional beauty. Moonlight now uncloaked coating her bare face in a pale glow as her brow creases, head tilting ever-so-slightly to the left, just like it always does when shes unsure of something. He could gaze at her for hours, if only she would allow him.

“How… , what?” she questions quietly, taking in his features just as he does hers, making sure to note the small smirk lingering like it always does after he smiles, and the flicker of passing emotions working behind his eyes that she so adored being able to decipher.

He chuckles to himself, shaking his head with sudden bashfulness that makes his ears go red from more than just the chill, “How do you do that?”

The creases on her brow increase in depth, revealing the lasting confusion to the man quietly obsessing over the way her lips press themselves into a harsh line that starkly contrasts with the small wrinkles appearing on her nose. Curse whatever the hell made her so cute, seriously. Did they want to ruin his ability to concentrate? Because if so, congratulations to them. It worked..

“Er, you’re gonna have to be a bit more precise with that one snowflake.” is her returning quip. He wrinkles his nose. “Do what?”

She suppresses a giggle at his reaction to the nickname, knowing he likes the term - though he insists he despises upon its childish nature. He tends to be like that about a lot of things, she’s noticed over the years; but she can, and has always been able to, see through the protective shield he’s made around himself. And he does, and always has done, the same for her.

“I thought I said not to call me that, ya prick.” he retorts, lightly smacking her shoulder as she laughs. “But seriously, how do you do it? Look at something and just BAM,” he attempts a (rather poor) impression of an explosion, “profound message, just from staring into space - quite literally. ”

“Was that pun intended.” is her immediate reaction, still laughing light heartedly as his cheeks begin to blush, hard. He chuckles along with her, messing idly with one of the cords on his hoodie, “Uhm, no, actually - for once.”

They both sit without conversation for a while, just letting their laughter gradually fall and rise again with the fluctuating eye contact until they finally, finally get a grip on themselves.

“I don’t know, by the way.” the girl whispers, breaking the comfortable silence that had settled over the atmosphere, “how I do that, I mean. It just kind of…, comes to me, I guess. For whatever reason.” she chuckles nervously, gesturing randomly into thin air. “But, hey, you know what that reminded me of?”

Humming, he realizes that she’s leaning her head on his shoulder again. Suddenly - and deffinitely unrelated to any other preemptive thought whatsoever - his head is, without explination, over her own. It takes a second for his eyes to slip closed, but they do. And when they do, he relaxes. He breathes in. And is in turn overwhelmed by fatigue, and the scent of vanilla shampoo.

“It.. reminds me, of something." She whispers.

"Mm?"

"It - it reminds me of love.”

..Oh. And, he’s wide awake again. “Huh?”

“Love,” she repeats, lightly nestling her head into his chest. “How even though the world can be crashing down on someone, love can keep them suspended just enough as to not let their entire galaxy implode. ”

As the words float around in his brain, he realizes just how right she is, and just how whipped he really is for one of his best friends. How well she keeps him suspended, comforting in times of near implosion and encouraging even when everything was aligned. And she knew - she knew exactly where she was directing that little realization the moment she thought it, having known for a good while now that he was her oxygen in a universe lacking of air. She knew this, yet made no moves in particular to advance in any way. She loved him, carried him not close to her heart but inside of it, and he felt the same, though she was yet unaware.

And she anxiously awaits his reply, not knowing just how bloody hard that statement just hit him. He wouldn’t be surprised if he had a concussion if he was honest, brain whirring around the words tumbling like waves over and over again in his mind until, not thinking, he mumbles out a small, quiet, “You keep me suspended.” and immediately sticks his face in her hair, terrified of her reaction. She’s his best friend, he might have just completely ruined their friendship, fuck why did he do that​ how stupid could he g-

“You keep me suspended, too. ” Oh. Well that wasn’t… quite what he was expecting. She smiles into his side just as he smiles into her hair, squeezing her shoulders - just because he can.

“That was, by far, the cheesiest thing I’ve ever taken part in. ” he laughs, earning a slap to the chest (even though she’s laughing too).

“Shut up, you love me. Jerk. ”

And he does. He really, really does.

–

It’s two days and five hours later (neither of them were counting, shut up Tae) when they’re in the same positions, but this time on the couch in the dorm, watching some cliche ‘scary movie’ with the Maknae’s and Jin because they were concerned about how much the two of them spent in their rooms or just not generally socializing. In all honesty, neither of them minded. They got to spend time together for the first time since they walked home from that midnight confession two and a half days ago, and even though the movie wasn’t the best, they enjoyed it. [You guys didn’t even watch it! You just cuddled on the couch and made our stomachs sick with your cuteness] Taehyung shut up. [It’s true and you know it!] Yeah, yeah, okay. So it was nice, besides the fact the movie was trash. They got to actually be close - more so than their usual platonic half-cuddles [was it really ever platonic though? OKAY OKAY LEAVING SORRY BYE DON'T KILL ME]. Yes, it was platonic before. But, now, it wasn’t. And it was probably supposed to be a little awkward at first, because maybe this.. changes things. Maybe it was different now that there were titles, and comitment. But… it wasn’t. It was natural, their bodies molding against each other, worn t-shirts and sweat pants and shorts and a kinda small tank top surrounding them in a sea of fabric and comfort as she placed her head beside his and he wrapped his arm around her waist. And finally, their universes came together, and they became each other’s gravity.

•••

Hello! Admin Bre here - this is my first post on here and I’ve done it on my phone, so apologies if the format or anything is weird (please tell me if it is and I’ll try to fix it asap)! Hopefully you enjoyed the massive fluff ball I’ve created - this isn’t my writing at its best, so I’m a little hesitant about posting, but I’m doing it anyways because screw it. Might as well XD so, yeah. (I’ve done some editing now, so its slightly less shit :) ) If you have any criticism or comments or suggestions on what I should do next, go ahead an leave me an ask and I’ll answer as soon as I remember to! Byeeeeeeeee

[uraniumglassbong]

small

a/n: went to a writing workshop and got the advice to start with the ending of a story instead of the beginning- it’s a little rough since I’m used to coming up with a great beginning that I abandon halfway through. But I got some sick characters out of it that I will definitely be writing more of, so score I guess

At some point Louie stopped winding the clock every morning. It used to be the way he started every day: he would cross the room from his bed to his desk, bare feet padding the warm stone floor, and he’d pick up the silver alarm clock, set it for another twenty-four hours (he knew that there were digital clocks everywhere, there was one on the computer right next to the clock, but his fatal flaw was sentimentality). He’d watch the weather while he wound. The rain would pound the window before him. The sun would drop Agent Orange on the skyline. It was always, always beautiful.

That wasn’t the part he enjoyed, though. What he enjoyed was turning his back on the view, on the empty distant cities and the dwindling scrawny trees that made it so easy to track how long ago the world’s heart stopped beating. What he enjoyed was turning his back on the window to look at Ithaca. At Ithaca, tangled up in his side of the sheets with one foot hanging off the bed, who was about to sit up so slowly and gingerly you’d think that every one of his ribs was broken, whose wiry hair hadn’t been tamed since the two of them had locked themselves at the top of the tallest building in the world. The tower that had been made especially for them to watch the world. To watch it die.

It wasn’t entirely their idea. In fact, the more the two of them talked about it, punching the timers on their chessboard or sweeping the floor from opposite ends, the less a say it seemed they had in the matter. It was the United Nations. It was NASA. It was MIT. It wasn’t them.

The less they talked about it-- any of it-- the happier they were.

They talked about barometric pressure changes and airborne illnesses. One of them would scribble on the blackboard until it was chalk-full, and the other would erase it to prove a point. They cleaned off solar cells and edited each others’ work into the night, they played shuffleboard with their Nobel Prize medals and they watered the vegetables in their indoor garden. And over meals, they talked about their wedding.

“What kind of flowers?”

“Lillies.”

“Aren’t those death flowers?”

“I like lillies.”

“Fine. Lilies and... fern.”

“Who’s going to officiate?”

Ithaca has stared out the spotless window for a long time. Louie has refused to follow his gaze. Finally: “An Elvis impersonator.”

They rearranged their furniture almost every month. It was a small space: just the bedroom, the lab, and the greenhouse that was half filled with food and half filled with samples. If they hadn’t changed things, they would have got crazy. There were a few things they didn’t touch, though: the radio, never used, and the single piece of paper next to it that was tacked up on the wall from floor to ceiling. The paper was titled TIMELINE. It listed every step in the process of human extinction, from the outbreak of a mutated flu pandemic to the six months it would take to do its damage to the twelve years it would take for the planet to hold life again. Everything was taken into account, from the presence of mosquitos to predicted snowfall.

Their predictions were dead accurate. Ten years and everything had gone according to plan.

Everything except the bullet point under the four-month mark:

• solution developed, communicated to UN

They gave up on month seven, when the light in a high-rise below them, that they had been watching like it was an endangered species, went out and never came back on. They kept winding the clock, though. Every morning. Until one-hundred and thirty-five months in, when Louie put Ithaca in one of the two customized coffins that lay in the storage space beneath the lab.

They’d had time to talk about it. The less Ithaca ate, the less they spoke of wedding cake (chocolate, with cream cheese frosting dyed dark green). One night, when he couldn’t get out of bed and lay staring at the ceiling, he joked that at least he was getting some practice in before the real thing. Louie had gone to spend the night in the greenhouse in response. He was back long before morning, though. There wasn’t any time to waste.

And now their wasn’t any time. The alarm didn’t go off. Louie tore down the TIMELINE and replaced it with an intricate diagram of the radioactive decay process. Everything gives off carbon. Everything that used to live. You bury things in dirt, but the dirt’s alive, too. The world was more decay and dead things than it was life, even before all the people in it caught a fever. That was why, even though his freezer contained all the materials to make the next Adam and Eve, he wasn’t going to. The responsibility to recreate humanity lay entirely on him now, and he had never been able to do important things alone.

Instead, he was going to reread the work he’s done during his time at MIT, when he was a professor and when he wasn’t the last man on earth. He reread his papers until they were memorized, until the floor of all three rooms was covered in paper. They were all on the same subject: extra-terrestrial bacteria. Aliens that everyone missed because no one could see. All his old friends had religions- either gods or eighties movies. Ithaca had clouds. Louie had the most underwhelming version of life beyond earth that anyone had ever come up with. He looked at flying saucers I’m TV and turned back to examining space suits under a microscope.

In general, the world was too big for Louie. Not the concept- the physical size. He had gotten lost in every mall he’d ever been in. He had been staunchly opposed to his residency in the tallest building in the world.

Ithaca had been small. His teeth had barely fit in his mouth. Every pen looked comically large in his hand.

Now, as he laid on the floor in the dark, in a room with a window that showed too much of the world- too many malls and high-rises and trees- on a bed of twelve-point font, Louie had one thing left. Somewhere in the world, and if not that, than the universe at large, was life.

[rheyareads]

I think too much and now I need to write about it….

Okay before we begin what will likely be a short novel filled with random ideas and thoughts, I need to tell you all, dear readers, that I have typed, deleted and re-typed what was going to be my beginning sentence 4 times now because every variation I read had some grammatical error that I was self-editing and tried to fix to please my graduate professors who would likely throw up at the ridiculously long run-on sentence I have now typed out. So, with that being said – please be warned, this will be riddled with grammatical inaccuracies and likely contain an exuberant amount of split infinitives and dangling participles designed to take you on an emotional journey rather than please your concise, well thought out, hearts.

I turn 30 this year.

I’d like to point out that while I might physically turn 30, I don’t know that I’ll mentally turn 30. The idea is a bit too complex for me to fully comprehend as there are some days it feels like I’m still 22, bumbling around like Taylor Swift thinking everything will be alright if I just keep dancing around like an idiot.

I’ve done a lot of self-reflection over the last couple of months and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not very happy with my life. Now, I know what you’re thinking – GASP – Kayla, say it isn’t true! You’re so positive! I can’t fathom you’d ever speak negatively about yourself, your looks, your life, your status, your direction, etc. etc.  – I know. I’m as shocked as you. But all kidding aside, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and the unhappiness I’m describing goes deeper than anything I think I’ve experienced before and its left me with this emptiness that I am struggling to move past. In the past year, I left my job and totally switched career paths, thus leaving behind the very thing I spent the better part of 9 years working towards as an adult, went from living alone, away from my friends and family to living with a roommate and mere minutes away from friends and family, and lost the best parental figure I’ve ever known to a brutal battle with cancer.

And while there have been wonderful things that have happened throughout my life and this past year, I feel like I am starting over with absolutely no direction. I’ve given a lot of thought lately about what I want to be remembered for, what I want my legacy to say when I’m gone, and usually I become so confused and overwhelmed I take out my phone and ignore the question by playing a game.

I think what’s tripped me up the most is wondering how many people in my life know my true, authentic self (and subsequently – what IS my true authentic self). I know how I WISH to be portrayed to others, but I’m not always aware of how others perceive me to be and I think that information is important when questioning the type of impact you have. I have a nagging suspicion my love of literature has led me to romanticize ideas and build up expectations for others that aren’t always realistic to how people interact with one another. As a result, I’m left disappointed in the relationships I have, always feeling like I don’t get back what I give to people. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder, what DO I give to others? Do I have an impact at all? Do I offer anything besides surface level friendship and self-deprecating and often distracting humor?

 A while ago, I asked a close friend of mine to tell me what they think matters most to me and their answers honestly stunned me. They weren’t necessarily wrong ( I think they said something like, friends and family, music, helping people – which are all true things) but it surprised me that it differed so much from how I would describe myself as a person and what I value most ( for example, the thing I value most is my work ethic and being viewed as someone who contributes and betters whatever it is I work on; I value passion and drive and gravitate towards other who are similar, I appreciate creativity and creative outlets of all kinds and prefer simple things like dinner with friends, movie nights in and reading to outlandish adventures or outings at bars because I like the intimacy they give; I’m emotional to a fault and sometimes have to backtrack because I let emotions cloud my judgement in important situations— that’s how I would describe myself). While it’s unfair of me to assume someone should just KNOW all of that, it still bothered me that the answer I was given wasn’t anywhere close to my own perception of who I am.

I think I’ve thought a lot about this more recently because my Aunt passed away and I saw what an incredible legacy and lasting impact she’s left on not only me, but every person she ever knew. She was without a doubt the most confident and unapologetically authentic woman I’ve ever known and there was no question that everyone who knew her saw her for who she was, through and through.

I think one reason I worry that people don’t have a real sense of who I am is because I choose which parts of me to let people see. I’m a social chameleon, capable of adapting to the crowd that I’m in order to fit in, so it’s sometimes hard for me to even decipher who I truly want to be versus who I think I need to be in order to gain acceptance. I am someone who doesn’t shy away from explaining past traumatic experiences or how I’m feeling (hello, facebook, my old frienddddd) but I also don’t typically elaborate on the true depth of those emotions for the sake of others.

For example, if someone asks me how I’m doing, I don’t typically give them the full truth of the answer because I know that the truth would likely make them uncomfortable and they’d be unsure of what to do. Additionally, most people who ask how you are don’t really want you to be honest, they just want you to know they made an attempt to connect and then move on with their day. Now, that may sound harsh, but it’s inherently true. We don’t ask “how ya doing” to have someone respond with “actually, I’m horrible and let me tell you why” – we ask because it’s socially expected for us to ask, and we hope the person reciprocates with the same and we move on to a short, surface level empty conversation before diving back into our phones/work/kids/etc.

So, in an effort to be more transparent and to get some things off my chest and into the universe somewhere, I thought it might help if I wrote out some of the complexities of my unhappiness to try and start figuring out where to move forward to change that. I think the transparency will help people learn a little more about the person I actually am, rather than just who I choose to show people. Maybe that will change opinions about me, maybe it won’t. I’ve decided to start using my blog for this because well… it’s a blog. More than that, I find writing out my thoughts and feelings therapeutic, but I think it’s important that I share that with others too in order to take it a step further. Maybe my thoughts can help inspire/encourage/motivate others, or maybe they can just help shed light on why I’m the specific brand of weird that I am.

Most importantly, I think we always wait to reflect on our relationships until a person is gone and I don’t want to do that. I want people to know how I feel about them, how their friendship/mentorship/love has changed me, for better or worse, before it’s too late to tell them. I also want to be able to change the depth of my relationships before it gets to be too late for me. And, in some aspect, I truly do believe in the idea that feelings are truly felt until they’re expressed to someone else and I think a lot of the reason I feel so unhappy with the trajectory of my life is that I’ve bottled a lot of this up and haven’t shared it with anyone in it’s entirety. Enter the internet….

With that being said, I’m long winded so I certainly can’t post it all in one sitting (well… I could…but the likelihood of anyone reading through it all is slim to none…. Unless you’re a past co-worker who wants to turn me in – HEYYYOOOO – bad joke…long story…maybe you’ll learn the tale late). So for now, I’ll leave you with the idea that sparked this whole project of mine.

As I mentioned hours ago, I turn 30 this year.

With that, I’d like to do 30 things in my 30th year. I think this will help give me focus and direction as I explore why it is I’m so miserable, and hopefully will help me, as they say, “find myself”. So here is my list:

1.       Do something that scares me (posting this nonsense might count as this – TBD)

2.       Volunteer somewhere

3.       Spend more time with my nieces/nephews

4.       Make a concerted effort to be more financially responsible

5.       Make an even more concerted effort to eat healthier and avoid early death from organ failure.

6.       Actually use the gym membership I pay for.

7.       Travel outside the country (or plan a trip to do that – see  number 4)

8.       Make an honest effort to go on a date with someone I don’t actually know.

9.       Try a little harder at my appearance (i.e. style my hair, maybe wear makeup)

10.   Get a dog

11.   Visit my friends who live out of state

12.   Go to NYC and see another broadway show

13.   Sing in some type of performance-based thing (musical/choir etc.)

14.   Explore my spirituality and faith and grow closer to God.

15.   Read my Bible more

16.   Say no more often and find balance in my work and life

17.   Plan and organize things ahead of time rather than flying by the seat of my pants

18.   Help someone with something even if I don’t want to

19.   Forgive people for things I’m holding on too

20.   Call or text my friends more to see how they’re doing rather than just to complain about things

21.   Be more attentive during conversations and live in the moment

22.   Spend less time on my phone

23.   Read ALL THE BOOKS (or at least 50)

24.   Write more often – feelings, fiction, prose, doesn’t matter – just do it

25.   Pay off a student loan

26.   Learn how to do something new

27.   Be nicer to my family even if it’s super hard

28.   Buy less things and invest in more experiences

29.   Take more pictures with people

30. Be more positive and talk about myself with less negativity.

So there you go folks, that’s my list. I’m also open to suggestions if there are other things people think I should add. I’m all for ideas!

So this is the start of my journey. If you’ve read this, thanks, friend – I appreciate that you care enough! I don’t know what will come next, but I’m hoping it will be interesting enough that you’ll stick around.

As I think about what comes next, I need to say this – I am fully aware that I am a very privileged person in many avenues and as a result I think I sometimes down play the impact that certain things have had on my life. As a counselor I’ve been trained to connect to the emotions rooted in a persons experience and can often find the deeper meaning buried in something seemingly small to others, but I struggle immensely with connecting to my own. At any rate, I’m going to attempt to do so by being brutally honest about the things that plague me most in my never ending thought parade in my head. There is a large chance that while I will not name names of people who are involved, there is a strong likelihood that you may know who I’m referring to, or be the person I’m referring to. It’s not my intent to degrade, demean or demonize (alliteration for the wiiiiin) anyone with these posts. This is about ME. No one else. Also, let’s remember there are two perspectives to every situation and I am likely just as much at fault as anyone.

I just want that disclaimer out there for anyone who may read things later on and become frustrated. If you find yourself frustrated, please just talk to me. Connecting is more or less what this whole thing is about.

With that, I leave you all until next time (whenever I decide that will be).

from WordPress https://rheyareads.wordpress.com/2019/02/14/i-think-too-much-and-now-i-need-to-write-about-it/