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[rheyareads]

I’m here for the Friendship

By now we all know I tend to sit and reflect and lately, I’ve been reflecting on love. Is it because of Taylor Swift? Is it Bridgerton? Is it because my birthday is approaching? Perhaps all three? Is it because I am a self-proclaimed lover-girl who romanticizes everything and longs to find my handsome faerie high lord who will love me for all eternity? We may never know. And yet – I persist.  A…

[rheyareads]

Kayoticfaery

I wish you’d just play with me on games again.

[rheyareads]

Unblock Me

Sometimes I wonder if I even want to be loved. I’ve spent my life dedicated to this notion that thing I’ve been searching for has always been a partner who chooses me as I am – flawed and broken – and loves me anyway. Yet every single time I’m presented with situations where someone shows me aspects of how this can be true, I intentionally go looking for ways that might not be true. I look for…

[rheyareads]

What Happens Then?

I am 90 pounds lighter and yet I can barely hold my own weight. I know that I am a strong, resilient, person who’s endured countless setbacks and traumas. I know that I have come leaps and bounds in my mental health and coping mechanisms and strive to find gratitude for all that I have learned. I know that I bring joy to others and can contribute amazing things on my best days. I know I’ve…

[rheyareads]

Upgrade

I haven’t upgraded my phone. Every time Ive tried in the past year, I’ve made excuses not too. This phone holds too much. I met you through this phone. Our friendship was forged through this phone. This phone documents every moment I fell in love with you in real time through countless conversations across multiple applications. This phone is all I have of you left to cling to now that those…

[rheyareads]

Good Riddance

Lightning to the chest A shock right through my heart I swear I felt your energy current course through my veins as my heart jolted awake hearing you say those words to me out loud. It was so fast you didn’t have time to think Couldn’t self correct or hide Betrayed in the moment by your own heart using your mouth to express what it felt so naturally without effort or thought. Yet time…

[rheyareads]

Liar Liar

You brought back the parts of me I hid away trying to become the woman my aunt wanted me to be. I spent years hating myself because I wasn’t Christian enough because I loved Harry Potter and believed in magic. I believed I was a ‘wicked’ person for wanting to listen to darker themed music and was attracted to boys who wore black and wore eyeliner. My family was always preaching Christian purity…

[rheyareads]

Think I’m gonna breakdown

I self sabotage. I am so used to chaos that I actively create my own when my life begins to sort itself out. I expend all this effort focusing on my goals and I am seeing the fruits of my labor and what do I do? I breakdown. I am so uncomfortable with the idea of getting what I want, deserve, and desire, that when those things start manifesting in my life I will retreat inside my head to find…

[rheyareads]

Trust your Gut

Trust is such a difficult thing to achieve. I’ve talked about it before, and I know it comes from all the times I’ve been taught to question my own feelings, but I’m learning how important it is for me to have trust in myself. I’ve conditioned myself into thinking I’m “too much” if I admit when I’m feeling uncomfortable/embarrassed/ashamed/upset/discouraged/invisible/unworthy/inferior/scared…

[rheyareads]

Love and Lost

I’ve been waiting for the moment when I stopped loving you to know it’s “the right time” to move on. Waiting to meet someone who makes me feel even half of what I felt when I first met you. Waiting for my feelings for you to weaken or diminish over time to know I’m finally ready to pursue love again with someone else who might actually choose me publicly without fear of what will happen knowing…

[rheyareads]

grAttitude

Yesterday was a big day for me. I’ve been sick for what feels like most of my life – always catching colds, always getting hit harder than anyone else, always feeling worn down and tired. When I was younger, a lot of people often minimized my tolerance for pain and told me I was a “baby” for complaining about how much my body ached and I quickly learned to stop talking about it and just…

[rheyareads]

Chaotic Faerie

I Am M a N i C And I can’t stop myself from crying any longer. I want to believe I’m stronger but it’s all just a lie. A pretty little lie, lie, L I e I tell myself lies over and over and over again to keep me from spiraling into the chaos. But the chaos is my home. The chaos is where I belong. The chaos will never leave me. The chaos is me. I am only chaos.

[rheyareads]

I Never Learn

I always say that I never want the last thing I say to be spoken out of anger. I choose to speak from a place of love because I’ve learned the hard way that you never know what the last thing you say to someone may be. I’ve had to live with such regret over my last words and they’ve haunted me every day since the day I learned I’d never get a chance to apologize. The words I speak in anger and…

[rheyareads]

Liar

I forgot the most important thing: You lie to everyone about everything.

[rheyareads]

Forgetting You

I’ve asked myself why I cannot get you out of my head for what feels like months, now. What makes you so different? Why can’t I just forget you and move past this? Every relationship I’ve ever pursued in my life eradicated my personality before it even began. In my attempt to win others affections, I changed aspects of my personality or took an interest in things simply for the fact that I was…

[rheyareads]

Another Day

I’m not happy. I have every reason to be – I’m moving into a new apartment in two weeks, finally living by myself for the first time in 5 years (something I’ve missed so much since working in Brockport.) I have an amazing job, incredible coworkers, the best boss I’ve ever had. I’ve healed and grown so much. my friendships have deepened. My life is truly filled with endless reasons to find joy at…

[rheyareads]

Searchin for Soda Bottles

I do a lot of reflecting on my trauma and I’ve come so far in my healing journey having faced my demons in spite of my fear. One thing I realized I’m most afraid of is accepting love. The idea and the concept is terrifying to me because in order to accept love, I must accept I’m worth loving. Despite this struggle, I have spent my adult life with exceedingly high standards for who I give my love…