#does Konoha have a hot topic

[urban-goose]

Emo baby romper: the prequel

Based on comments from my other post here

[secret-engima]

*slaps table* hi. This is the post where I talk about, yet again, why Kishi is an idiot when it comes to the implications of his own worldbuilding. Point 1. being that Kishi’s insistence that peacetime is bad for shinobi business is hot garbage and point 2. being the implications of ANBU being Scary even to other shinobi. Because the show makes it clear that ANBU are supposed to be the Scary Ones, the Dark Ones who do messed up stuff. Many fics have already talked about this, but not *too* many I've seen actually explore the implications of what that actually MEANS when put in the context of a society who thinks it's A-okay to give a knives and bombs to literal kids and shoo them off to fight things. Buckle up I’m going to flex my logic center and start talking economics even tho I never studied economics outside casual worldbuilding interest.

Okay to start off with, I’m need to talk about Not Anbu for a hot minute and describe some of the few things we *do* know about Kishi’s “worldbuilding” of the shinobi villages and their history.

1. Literally everyone but Madara the Madman agrees that the villages are a Good Thing that happened, even the missing ninja never breathe a word about wanting to go back to the Warring States Era where everyone was in clans. The implications of this could honestly be it’s own entire rant but I will restrain myself and focus on the topic at hand for now.

2. Konoha and every village barring the trash fire that is pre-Boruto Kiri have a thriving enough economy to be literal *cities* of very decent size and decent quality of life, which the civilians have a major hand in I’m sure, but tellingly the shinobi *make enough income to get by* and seem to do so very easily. I will probably come back to this as I go on.

3. Ninja villages not only have a wide array of mission ranks (which I will also come back to) but they are the ones who set the prices for individual missions, not the employers. This is seen in the infamous Wave mission when the bridge builder fellow lied about the danger of the mission because he *could not afford to pay for a mission above a C-rank*, which I remind you is the second lowest mission ranking in the system.

Alright with those in mind I’m gonna talk about the “peacetime is bad for shinobi” garbage because that does actually relate directly to the worldbuilding implications of ANBU. Just. Just bear with me here and forgive me if this kinda rambles in multiple directions, talking about anything with Kishi makes my braincells run for the hills on a good day.

JUMPING IN WITH THE PEACETIME THING. This is stupid. This is one of the stupidest things to come out of Kishi’s mouth in my opinion barring the existence of the cannibal space aliens. Why? Because despite Kishi’s love of explosions and giant flashy fights shinobi are supposed. To be. STEALTHY. And the vast majority of them now live in villages, which means they need steady income.

Post the unification of the clans into villages, wars actually became too big and messy to be profitable because it’s during peacetime that people have money to spend on hiring ninja. And we see them spend it on incredibly frivolous things when it comes to shinobi. Just look at all the D-ranks we see or are referenced in the shows. Babysitting, pet retrieval, fence painting, carrying shopping bags for civilian ladies, house cleaning, the list goes on. And these pay well enough, are priced high enough by the village, that Might Dai, a single parent, was able to feed, shelter, and clothe both himself and an extremely energetic child while also having time to train himself and his son and walk Gai to and from school. And the price tag for missions only goes up from there. Higher ranked missions pay more according to risk, but peacetime is when people will be able to afford those kinds of missions. *Wartime*, as war is defined in the show post-village creation, are giant, messy affairs where a lot of manpower goes to maintaining front lines and countering enemy action, leaving far *less* manpower and time to take on these kinds of missions, and with the mass destruction of land and resources that these wars cause, people will have less money to throw at having the magic ninja men do things like escort caravans, deal with petty crime, retrieve stolen items, etc. And those examples are just C-rank/B-rank examples. Most wartime missions that we see in the show are actually missions assigned by the village itself, not from an outside client, which means the pay is coming from the Village coffers and not an external source, which can get messy very quickly if they do not have the manpower to take enough missions from outside clients to refill those coffers. Remember that I’m coming back to it later.

Wartime, for village ninja, is loud and messy and ugly. *Peacetime* on the other hand, is the playground of the rich, the powerful, and the *subtle*. Peacetime is when nobles pay top dollar to *flaunt* that they can afford to hire a ninja or three to escort them around in broad daylight regardless of any enemies they’ve made. Peacetime is when nobles have the money to pay for ninja to go in and spy on rivals or steal secrets. Peacetime is when the Daimyo and other elites hire shinobi to escort luxury goods at high risk of theft, to deal with underground human or drug trafficking that is inconveniencing them, or to spy on their neighboring lands for information that will become useful next time they meet up to flex on each other in a “you don’t want to make trouble with me I have and know X”.

More importantly, peacetime is when the *lower* classes can afford to pay for the magic ninja as well. If D-ranks are enough to support a single parent and his child, then C and B ranks are actually going to be the *backbone* of a ninja village’s economy, not the A or S ranks. C and B ranks are going to be the highest pay for the lowest risk, and those will predominantly come from the merchant and working class who have enough spare cash to have someone deal with the wild animals harming their livestock, take out budding trafficking rings and bandit gangs or escort people and goods.

     I don’t think I’m emphasizing this one enough. Look at a map of the Elemental Nations, look at the size of those countries. Now we don’t get a lot of info on cities in those countries (because KISHI) but there are bound to be plenty of villages, towns, and cities dotting those countries, and all of them are going to be connected in some way to each other via trade routes and highways. You’re going to have Konoha’s own supply lines and the trade deals they have with their own merchant families bargaining for preferential treatment in exchange for setting up shop in a ninja village on top of all the other merchants from all over the Land of Fire who, during peacetime, have both money and incentive to hire the fire-chucking magic people to ensure *all* of their goods arrive *on time, every time*.

You’re going to have merchants who have supply lines through multiple countries. Glass products from the Land of Wind. Inks, fine paper, and flavored teas from Land of Fire. Fish, oyster, and pearl products from the coast (which is especially high risk in areas near the disaster fire that is Kiri). Each and every country is going to have luxury products or famous higher-quality raw materials (*points at Iwa and their rock obsession, points at every product made out of high quality stone, silver, gold, or iron ore*) that the other countries are all going to want, and consequently you will have merchants that are going to be willing to pay top dollar to ensure those products get where they are meant to go and do so undamaged and in a timely fashion despite bad roads/bad weather/bandits/rogue shinobi hired by a competitor/wild animals/freak acts of the local kami because you forgot to pay tribute to their shrine last week.

The technology of pre-Boruto era is also still stuck in the *horse and wagon* stage, meaning you have caravans of this stuff moving on very strict, long term schedules, which means these are jobs that the village can charge per day or week on the road on top of the base price estimated from the level of risk to the shinobi. You have merchants who are going to give preferential treatment to the village of their home nation if they can, both because you Don’t Insult The Local Fire Breathers/Rock Gougers/Storm Summoners/Etc but also because the villages themselves likely offer discounts for natives of their country, or even contracts that are essentially subscription deals for those who have multiple caravans going out at the same time, multiple times in a year. A “pay this much up front and we will ensure that several shinobi are always on standby to guard one of your caravans” kinda deal. It’s been implied multiple times in the shows that the majority of any shinobi village’s workforce are chuunin and that jounin’s are elite, and C/B-ranks are literally stated in the wiki to be usually given to teams of Chuunin or sometimes two genin teams and their jounin pairing up for a joint operation. Chuunin are going to make their careers on guarding caravans, dealing with bandits, clearing road hazards, etc. If Chuunin are the majority of your workforce, then missions that chuunin can take are going to be, by necessity, the largest cashflow coming into your village.

If a war between two or more countries is happening, all of that gets heavily restricted because of the risk of infiltration, heavily impeded from road destruction and wartime front lines, or straight up *shut down* from lack of money and manpower to take those missions.

Can you see what I’m getting at now when I say Kishi’s peacetime line is stupid.

And here comes another fun aspect of this. Because where the money flows, so does the cultural norms. Now a lot of fics I’ve seen emphasize the child soldier thing and also how D-ranks are very likely a way to acclimate the genin to mission work while also training civilians to see ninja as Friendly Safe Workers who happen to have magic powers and knives. But the thing is, all of that work on acclimating the civilians to view their local shinobi as Safe To Hire is going to go out the window if you remind them too often that these people are literal killers for hire. Merchants are not going to want to hire Infamous Killers because that says to their customers and their potential business partners that they themselves are shady and possibly approve of murder to get their way. Poking at D-ranks briefly, farmers aren’t going to want to hire potentially unhinged murderers to till their fields, and nobody is going to want to hire even the genin to *babysit their kids*.

So.

In order to attract reliable patronage from these low risk, well paying areas, the ninja villages had to *alter their public perception*. Assassination missions, kidnapping missions, extortion missions, all of those over time became short-term gain/long-term loss for the village. So they took them on less and less, and those kinds of missions became increasingly *socially unacceptable* even to the shinobi, because if the village doesn’t approve of it, it’s not a good thing. What assassination/sabotage missions we do see or hear referenced in canon are always, iirc, targeting someone that can the ninja can safely point at and say “this is a bad guy”. High ranking rogue shinobi from other villages or crime lords or despotic warlords being I think the majority (if not the entirety) of the few examples canon gives us. Those are people that, when civilians hear about them being assassinated, the civilians are going to say “good riddance” rather than “oh no!”. And if those missions are the only ones that the common shinobi hear about themselves or take on, then that’s what they are going to associate with those types of missions. A high risk job that is nonetheless seen as Morally Right, even if their moral compass hinges mostly on who is the friend or enemy of their home village.

I could also get into how this has really interesting implications for what the Warring State Era shinobi economics were like and how Hashirama and Madara making Konoha was basically inventing the concept of unionizing but I’m not going to side track to that because finally, FINALLY, we get to the ANBU Are Scary Thing.

Because this. This whole thing about how peacetime is actually where ninja villages make their bread and butter and how the push-pull of being Socially Acceptable for Money turning into Actual Moral Perception is where ANBU’s identity as the Scary Guys comes into play.

Now we don’t know when ANBU was actually founded in Konoha or any other village, but I’m going to ballpark and say it was *after* the First War because of a few key things we know about ANBU.

1. ANBU are Scary.

2. ANBU are known to specifically hunt other ninja (specifically Kiri has a Hunter-nin branch of ANBU but logically every village would have this).

3. ANBU work is extremely psychologically and physically grueling to their members and has a high fatality rate.

4. Whatever ANBU does is considered messed up even by ninja standards. An example that comes to mind is a filler flashback where Gai ends up running into Kakashi on an ANBU mission where Kakashi is basically putting down enemy ninja that are defeated and attempting to surrender and Gai is visibly distressed by this.

The First Shinobi World War likely rocked the Elemental Nations as badly or *worse* than WWI did for the real world, because this was the first time “war” was not defined as two or three noble lords throwing peasants with spears or the occasional ninja at each other or two or three shinobi clans having a protracted blood feud that they could only initiate when they weren’t busy trying to feed their own families. Assuming Konoha has the average number of shinobi clans that can be found in a shinobi village, that means we had somewhere upward of 55 clans from various countries throwing everything they had at each other on open battlefields, destroying large amounts of landscape, and causing shinobi and civilian casualties on a mass scale that even the most fire happy Uchiha could not have achieved on their worst day. This was also after Jinchuuriki became a thing, so this war was the first demonstration of what it’s like to essentially duct tape a nuke to an emotionally volatile child soldier and see what happens when you throw two or more of them into a battlefield.

The economy of the villages and their respective nations would have been in chaos after the war. Entire towns, roads, and bridges are straight up gone, chunks of landscape for miles around have been drastically rewritten, the death toll is high and the missing persons list is even higher and in the wake of this you’re going to have *every* would-be warlord and their grandfather getting uppity and trying to stake a claim on what they can of the wreckage. This includes Rogue Shinobi, likely the first real appearance of Rogue Shinobi in ninja history, at least on this scale. Lots of shinobi are going to be disillusioned from the war, exhausted, more than a few are mentally broken from the traumas, and all the ninja who have no moral compasses and dreams of power are looking at this and deciding “hey, now is a great time to become a warlord”. On top of all this, since most of the wartime missions were assigned by the villages themselves and not an outside client (with *very minimal* cash flow coming from the Daimyo himself since presumably the war was partially his idea, but even the royal coffers are not enough to run a military city the size of Konoha kthanks), the village coffers are likely hanging out somewhere between “Naruto’s childhood allowance” and “I can offer you lint”.

Obviously, these things need to be taken care of pronto, and with the villages scrambling to have the money to rebuild, the Kage in charge are going to be much more willing to take on dirty missions like assassinations, extortion, blackmail, *whatever* just to refill the village coffers. But. The ninja villages still need to keep their social acceptability in order to start getting their C and B ranks back, especially after the war opened everyone’s eyes to how destructive shinobi can really be in large numbers. They cannot afford to be seen killing left and right and the Rogue ninja are a huge stain on their village’s reputation, but openly advertising that “hey, if anyone leaves the village we’ll behead them” really isn’t going to do any favors for keeping the shinobi who are in the same mental space Tsunade was when she got fed up and left Konoha altogether.

And this, I think, is what gave rise to the existence of ANBU. The Kages picking their remaining highly skilled and most loyal followers, putting them in masks so that they cannot be easily identified by civilians, and sent out to quietly complete these high level, socially unacceptable missions. They were sent out to deal with Rogue shinobi and make them disappear without advertising to all the other traumatized village shinobi that their village is “serve or die” rather than the more patriotic “we fight for our home” that they were raised with. They were sent out to perform civilian assassinations, extortion, whatever they were offered in order to shore up the village’s shaky economy of the time and enable the Kage to pay their soldiers.

Then, after the economy stabilized, the ANBU just kinda … never left. Because by then the respective Kage had realized that being able to take on these kinds of missions with high pay and no loss of social acceptability was useful, and in the wake of the First War with everyone being simultaneously paranoid of their neighboring country but also on eggshells to not start another war, the anonymity of ANBU became a convenient way to keep an eye on each other and subtly attempt to sabotage the other when it looked like they were getting too powerful. The next two Great Shinobi Wars only solidified ANBU’s role in the hidden villages for those very same reasons, even though I would argue that they were ultimately a Bad Idea because they put too much power in the hands of the Kage without their village clans being able to hold them responsible, and that’s how we get stuff like Danzo™ and the crimes committed by Danzo™ and the Sandaime against the Uchiha. The existence of ANBU and the ability to “anonymously” jab at each other also just encouraged the animosity between the Great Shinobi Villages, and allowed warmongers (Danzo™) to ensure that an actual peace never fully settled in until the 4th Shinobi War happened.

And the peace post the 4th war, by the way, SHOULD have been a huge boom in the popularity and use of shinobi rather than the detriment that the Boruto manga/anime insists on for like- all the reasons stated in the economics part of this rant as well as the rise of CORPORATIONS that would happily pay a lot for shinobi in a host of different capacities and also people paying for shinobi to pretty please come help rebuild our destroyed homes and farmland with your fancy ninja powers.

It’s also canon that several shinobi retired and went into other professions in the wake of this peace and alliance, such as *acting*, which opens up an entire potential slew of missions geared specifically toward movie producers using their new technologies and their bigger budgets to hire shinobi as stuff like stunt doubles, live special effects artists (need to rehearse but the set isn’t done yet? No problem!! Just hire someone with *genjutsu* to make your actors the ultimate set/stage), *makeup artists* (hey those infiltration skills come in handy in a lot of ways), and more. And that’s just one “modern” profession off the top of my head that would adore having Magic Ninja People available for hire.

I’m sure I’m missing a ton of potential peace time jobs and economic implications because again, I only research this stuff in relation to worldbuilding fictional places. But there we go, I have just gone a 3k rant about ninja economics in order to explain why ANBU are Scary. I hope ya’ll enjoyed.

A side note I couldn’t find a good spot for in the actual rant but another factor in the shinobi villages having to change their behavior and seem Socially Acceptable is because of the rise of civilian-born shinobi in their genin/chuunin ranks. Because there’s no way a civilian family is going to *want* their child to become a murderous psychopath. A competent, magic wielding defender of your merchant uncle’s caravans on the other hand…

Other rants I need to do at some point when my braincells aren’t mush are:

1. My personal HCs on Konoha’s orphanage/foster system (aka Hi, Let Me Give You More Reasons To Hate Sarutobi Hiruzen)

2. Ninja Economics Two: Warring States Boogaloo (Edit: now available here!)

3. Why Cannibal Space Ninjas Are The Stupidest Idea of Multiple Stupid Options

4. Boruto Ninja Cults: What Kishi Could’ve Done Instead of the Garbage We Got

5. Genin Corps (Aka Reasons Kishi Could’ve Given for Why No One Thought Kabuto Was Suspicious But Didn’t. Aka Ninja Economics 3 Babyyyyyy)

[shiningwonderland]

Camus (All Star) Memorial

Translator: Mimi (twitter: _mimisaurora)

Memorial 1 - Loves Japanese Sweets

The Carrot Club November Issue: Join Myu-sama! Visit Kyoto in autumn, and enjoy enchanting Japanese sweets

Camus-sama, the noble idol recognized among his fans as Myu-sama, will be the guide for this edition.

He will show us some of the Japanese confectionery shops he has recently been into while strolling through the ancient capital in autumn.

By the time our journalist arrives on location half an hour before the meeting, she realizes the Earl was already there!

“I could not allow myself to be late for our appointment, madam.”

Myu-sama smiles at our journalist, who is a little flattered.

“M-My apologies. We’ll be conducting an interview today….”

“Regardless of the interview, you are a lady first and foremost, madam. I, Camus, would be honored to escort you to the very best of my ability. Now, this way, please.”

Following Myu-sama's pace, the first stop is a long-established Zenzai shop named "Konoha", located along a side road off the main street.

The shop’s poster dog, Tanusuke, appears to be well acquainted with Myu-sama.

Their tail whips about happily.

“Do you come here often?”

“In all honesty, I would love to come every day. However, my schedule is quite busy... It's actually for this reason that I was really looking forward to today's interview (laughs).”

Myu-sama reveals a cuter side of himself; a complete departure from his typical perfect butler persona.

His first order was their most popular chilled Zenzai.

“I must say, the refined sweetness of the red bean paste is delightful. It's so delicious that I usually find myself eating more than I should. There was a time I had up to four cups, much to my kouhai’s dismay.”

“Four cups! That many!?”

“How embarrassing… I couldn't help bringing it up. I shouldn't have. May I ask you to keep this between you and I?”

“I apologize, but because this is an interview, I cannot omit any details.” 

“As you wish. I fear I may be scolded once again by my kouhai, but I shall persevere.”

“The kouhai you’re referring to is Cecil Aijima, whom you co-starred in a musical* with, correct?”

*Note 1: This August, the musical "Phantom Thief Nyan Nyaan" held its final performance to critical acclaim. There surely were many ladies thrilled to watch Myu-sama play the role of a super sadistic police dog, a complete 180 from his usual kind personality.

“Yes. You’re right.”

“It was also featured in the June issue of Carrot Club. The long dog ears and tail were so cute and a hot topic at the time.”

“Were they cute?...(laughs) This is something I'm not used to being told, it makes me a little shy. That being said, nothing makes me happier than to know that you ladies enjoyed it.”

“You say your kouhai will scold you, but could it be that nothing you do will ever be good enough for him?”

“How about putting it as… I consider us to have a positive, mutually respectful relationship, regardless of positions.”

After picking up a souvenir for Cecil Aijima, we head south of town along a riverside road where Meiji-era structures remain intact.

This is Myu-sama’s favorite path.

“Despite it bearing no resemblance to the streets of my hometown, it brings me a curious sense of nostalgia. It may be a bit of a detour, but please bear with me for a while.”

“It does have a very pleasant atmosphere, making you feel as if you've been sent back through time to the Meiji Era.”

“It would have been even better if the leaves had begun to redden…. I hope to show you around again next time during the height of the season.”

The road is lined with ginkgo and maple trees, making it a popular spot among insiders.

“Speaking of, were you surprised when you first saw the autumn leaves in Japan?”

“Very much so. I was impressed by the sight of the mountains dyed in five different colors. I had wished to show it to Her Majesty, the Queen of my homeland.”

The next stop was a Western-style café named "Moonlight".

“The sign shows an advertisement for a cake set, but do they serve Japanese sweets here?”

“Yes. Surprising, isn't it? Allow me to show you what's in store.”

“Is this a coffee jelly parfait on the table?

It's covered in a yellow powder….”

“Madam, please have a bite first.”

“Then, if you'll excuse me…

It’s… brown sugar jelly!”

“You’re right. The yellow powder is soybean flour. I've been enjoying its delicate sweet taste lately. It pairs amazingly with soft-serve ice cream, too.”

“Do you also like brown sugar?”

“It’s a favorite of mine. It’s wonderfully rich.”

“I was surprised at the variety of sugars available in Japan. You have not only your traditional white sugar, but also brown sugar and sugarcane… I was especially amazed by the elegance of Wasanbon.”

Since coming to Japan, sweet-toothed Myu-sama apparently carries some Wasanbon on him every day.

“You're well known for always keeping sugar on you, but where exactly do you put it?”

“Heh. That’s a secret, even for you, madam.”

Myu-sama simply smiles and avoids the question.

“Could it be that you don't really have any?”

“Is that what you believe?”

With a snap of his fingers, he suddenly reveals a snow-shaped Wasanbon in the palm of his hand...!

“The beauty of Wasanbon is its ability to take on a multitude of shapes, like this. Of course, coarse sugars like granulated or icing sugar are great too.”

“Surely white sugar is common in Silk Palace?”

“It is very cold where I am from, so before, sugar itself was a rarity. That’s why for me, Japan seemed like a dream destination (laughs).” 

“Then are the sweets in Silk Palace not… well, sweet?”

“No, on the contrary, because of how precious it is, they're made very sweet. It may even be too strong for some ladies to eat. In moments like those, we brew a strong cup of tea together.”

“It’s similar to… matcha tea in Japan. Though not as formal as the Japanese tea ceremony, Silk Palace also has a custom of hosting guests with tea.”

Myu-sama smiles with a cup of tea in his hand.

“I would be happy to brew you a pot of tea whenever you desire.”

In the end, Myu-sama personally picks out a souvenir for the Carrot Club editorial staff.

“Hatsushimo" is a long-established Japanese confectionery shop that has been in business since the Genroku era.

Upon passing through the shop’s traditional noren curtain, one is immediately hit by a brilliant shade of red.

“The wonderful thing about this place is their Nerikiri. Many of them have autumn leaf motifs** this time of year.”

**Note 2:

The selection of Jo-namagashi changes with the season.

Please inquire with the store for more details.

With a twinkle in his eye, Myu-sama began to select Namagashi from the display case.

“These, for instance, are works of art. They’re designed to resemble autumn leaves in the process of changing their color from green to red. It’s beautiful… It would be a pity to eat them.”

A sweet shaped in the form of a bird was the next one to catch our attention.

“This one here must be inspired by the Hyakunin Isshu. Long is the mountain pheasant’s tail that curves down in its flight; but longer still, it seems to me, left in my lonely plight, is this unending night. It’s a love poem about an autumn night that feels as painfully long as the tail of a mountain bird, when one sleeps alone and apart from the person they love.”

“I see… that explains why the bird is atop a backdrop made of black bean paste.”

“To even understand the Hyakunin Isshu… you are indeed well-informed on Japan, Myu-sama.

Not many Japanese people are as knowledgeable in this subject as you are.

It’s fantastic.”

“No. One can acquire all the knowledge they want later in life. The existence of this historic restaurant is proof in itself that the people of this country have long had a love of beauty and culinary delights. I believe that their passion is far more remarkable than their knowledge.”

Yokan, Higashi. The amount of souvenirs for the editorial staff quickly grew.

“By the way, what is your top pick?”

“It would be Botamochi. Only recently did I learn that the name changes from Ohagi in the fall to Botamochi in the spring.”

He speaks with a smile and buys three pieces of Ohagi for himself.

We ended the interview greatly satisfied.

“Thank you for your cooperation today.”

The December issue will feature “Join Ren-ren! Explore Hama's authentic Italian cuisine”.

- - - - - - - - - -

“So Camus-senpai loves… Japanese sweets.”

I jotted down the gist of the magazine article and then looked up.

“I wonder if he would cooperate with creating the unit song if I brought him some delicious Japanese sweets…”

I genuinely considered it, but shook my head.

No, it wouldn’t be a good idea.

Camus-senpai is someone who keeps his private and public life separate. He wouldn't help us out so easily.

“Then… A song inspired by Japanese sweets…?”

That’s just as bad. It’s not that simple.

If I don't get to know Senpai even better and write a song that only he can sing, and would  want to sing, he will never come to acknowledge me.

“In any case, I just have to keep researching.”

I drew in a small breath to get myself in the mood, and turned back toward the stacks of magazines.

[fabricated-misslieness]

pairing: bokuto, iwaizumi, kageyama, kuroo, miya twins, and ushijima x shorter manager male reader

req: yes | cw: suggestive | 16+

alex: MOST OF THE TALL THIGH GUYS IN HAIKYUU SIMP FOR THE SHORTER MALE MANAGER AFTER THEY FOUND OUT HE LIKES BIG THIGHS(and tits and all that) WHILE THEY TRY TO MAKE THEIRS LOOK BIG AND JUICY????

hcs of tall boys simping for a shorter manager because they like thicc body parts

a/n: i didn’t mention this because i did want to write it, but alex, reqs were closed. unless you suggested this for 1.5k, in which case, just why?

Introduction

A volleyball training camp consisting of some of Japan’s most prominent high schools. Chaotic, right?

Well, many schools came: Aoba Johsai, Fukurodani, Nekoma, Inarizaki, Itachiyama, and Shiratorizawa.

These training camps often led to the teams’ managers getting to know each other better and bonding. And as Itachiyama’s manager, even if most of them were girls, you were no exception.

Which meant, while all the managers collectively did their manager duties like refilling water bottles, you talked.

And, for some reason, the topic of boys came along and what ‘type’ of boy they liked.

You see, the girls were nice. They looked for personalities, rather than body parts - most of them anyway.

You on the other hand, well, you loved thick boys.

Prominent man boobs, thick thighs, fat asses.

“Is that… why you became a manager?”

“Is that why you don’t hand out towels?”

Unbeknownst to you, and the girls, a few people were eavesdropping on you.

 

Bokuto

“I’d say that fits your description, right Bokuto?” Konoha playfully elbowed him on the chest, but the ace wasn’t paying attention. “Eh, Bokutooo? You there?”

He was not, in fact, there.

He really had no plan to charm you at all. If he already had these traits, surely your eyes would drift off to him, right?

But obviously, he subconsciously starts showing off more when you’re watching his match.

He starts glancing at you every time he scores a point. Slowly, glances turn into looks that ask for praise, like a puppy; and then looks turn into verbal “Did you see that (y/n)?!”

You don’t know when or why he started fixating on you, but you certainly weren’t complaining.

Thanks to your praise, Bokuto slowly starts getting more comfortable around you. Then, one day after he scores the game winning point, he runs over to you.

Before you know it, he’s pulled you into a hug.

“WOO (Y/N), DID YOU SEE THAT?!”

But you don’t reply, because 1) you can’t with your face smushed against man boobies, and 2) this is heaven.

Bokuto’s confused, of course, until he realizes your hands on his thighs.

He only laughs it off, until Komori comes. Behind the libero is a possessive looking Sakusa and a scary Iizuna. Komori’s about to spew some protective comment like, “hands of our manager” but you stop him.

The will to stay in this bear hug is stronger than the boobies giving you an inability to speak. “Let me have this, Komori.”

“Ah, right, you like this kind of stuff.” The libero laughs, slowly nudging Sakusa and Iizuna away. 

“What’s this kind of stuff?”

“You, hot stuff.”

 

Iwaizumi

“Iwa-chan, you’re not gonna leave me for him, righ-?”

“Shut up, Oikawa.”

It starts off subtle, wiping off sweat from his face with the bottom of his shirt and making sure to expose his pecs. Though such a thing works when there’s no other thicc boy in the room.

Then he starts stretching more often, particularly his legs.

Sometimes, on particularly hot days, he rolls his shorts even higher up his thigh.

Slowly, as you start to talk more often, he does the same things while you’re hanging out relatively alone.

“Hajime.” 

“Hm?” He stops his stretching, looking at you curiously. You lick your lips, your gaze looking at his thighs.

“Keep stretching.”

He obeys. His thighs flex and stiffen, the stretching starts getting painful, but he doesn’t stop because he knows you like it. When you press a hand against his thigh, he lets out a low groan.

“Fuck, Hajime.”

Finally, he knows you’re absolutely enamoured with his body.

 

Kageyama

“None of us fit that description.”

“Shut up, boke.”

“I mean...you fit that description?”

Each time he knows his gaze is on you, as he’s in the back line ready to receive a serve, he sticks out his ass just that little bit more. Along with tensing his thighs.

Sometimes he drags Hinata to receive his serves somewhere within your vicinity. When Hinata receives it and sends it back to him, he doesn’t catch it. Instead, he lets it fall so that you can watch him bend over to grab it.

He might even shake his ass a little.

One time, when something accidentally falls out of his hands, you confront him.

“Tobio, you’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”

“Doing what?” He looks at you through his lashes - up for once, booty out and still bending over. Then he has the audacity to shake his bubble butt.

He smiles when you let out a frustrated groan. “That.”

“I still don’t know what you’re referring to.”

 

Kuroo

“Ha, that sorta fits Kuroo. Wait, Kuroo, are you-?”

“Yes, absolutely, yes.”

You know that extremely flexible receive? Yeah? Expect to see that a lot.

It shows off his ass and thighs and just- umph im such a simp

Unlike most others, he’s much more forward about it than others. He won’t outright say it, granted, but he’ll be more touchy with you.

One second, his arm is wrapped around your shoulder. The next, he’s pulled the back of your head to one of his pecs. 

When your team spots this, they rush over to get him to stop. At the forefront of the group is Iizuna. “Hands off our manager.”

Before you can say anything, Kuroo speaks up, “Last time I checked, (y/n)’s his own person. Besides, he enjoy this, right?”

“Yeah.” You don’t defend yourself from Iizuna, because hell, the captain banter is entertainment.

The two captains glare at each other with their competitive yet polite looks. Eventually, Iizuna falters. He can’t argue with you saying you like it, nor does he have the comebacks in him to talk to the ‘provocative expert’.

 

Atsumu Miya

The twins stare at each other, glaring as they usually do. “Dibs.” Atsumu says, and Osamu can’t deny that. It seems he’s missed out on you.

Just like Kuroo, Atsumu is forward.

He is also impatient, so if you don’t catch on the first few times, he’s just going to blur it out.

And that is exactly what happens.

Each time he tries to get your attention, he fails. A subtle wink sent your way, a flex of his bicep, bending and holding on to his knees after a loss penalty, none of them seem to alert you. They don’t, because he’s dumb and doesn’t think to show off the qualities that you like as much as the qualities that he’s confident in.

Which is why he’s here, in front of you while you take a break on the bleachers.

“Miya-san? Don’t you have a game?” You glance down at the court, seeing the rest of Inarizaki playing. They certainly aren’t at their best without their genius setter.

“I like you.”

Your raised eyebrow only taunts him, “And what brought this upon-”

“I know you like me.” He sits next to you, slinging his thighs over your lap. “Don’t you like these thighs?”

“I guess I do, ‘Tsumu.”

 

Osamu Miya

The twins stare at each other, glaring as they usually do. “Dibs.” Osamu calls. Even if Atsumu grumbles and kicks at the ground because he’s missed the opportunity, he can’t deny the power of dibs.

He’s much better at this than Atsumu is. He’s more patient and has no problem with playing the long game.

However, he doesn’t; because unlike Atsumu, he accentuates his qualities that you like.

He pulls up the bottom of his shirt to wipe his face, rolls up his shorts quite high, and generally does things that always have your eyes on his thighs, pecs, or ass.

He’s taunting you, silently telling you to come to him, so that’s what you do.

The next time you find him panting from a run, ass out and bent over, you confront him. Conveniently enough, he’s away from other people.

You make your presence known by putting a hand half on his ass, half on his thigh.

“Oh, heeey, (y/n).” He gives you an all-knowing look, paired with lazy half lidded eyes.

“You know why I’m here, don’t you, ‘Samu?”

“Obviously.”

 

Ushijima Wakatoshi

“I like thick men, the ones with prominent pecs, thick thighs, and bubble butts.”

Sure, he heard it. Sure, he processed it. But did he think about it afterwards? No. Did he connect the dots? No.

In fact, you’re the one attracted to him.

Ushijima is that one oblivious yet extremely suggestive individual. He does squats after practice, thigh-accentuating stretches, bends over without a single thought, this man is blatantly sexy.

You have to keep yourself from doing anything indecent.

So, it’s quite obvious you like him. Anytime he’s in the room, you’re staring at him. As such, Sakusa takes notice, and boy is he disgusted.

“(y/n), please don’t like him.”

Why? He didn’t want to let you date him, it’d turn you into a reminder of one of his most formidable opponents.

“Sakusa, I can’t help it.”

Welp, he’s doomed.

“(y/n), hey.” You’d never really interacted before you approached him. He noticed that you always looked at him, but he didn’t really think about it, nor did he think about why you did it. There were more important things to focus on.

“I like you.”

“Huh?”

He’s so dense, so oblivious, gosh. Good luck with him.

[rocorambles]

Let's Give It A Try

Pairing: Bokuto x Reader

Genre/Warnings: NSFW, Mafia AU, Sex Toys, Overstimulation, Use of Sir, Dirty Talk, Degradation

Summary: Dating a man like Bokuto Koutarou goes against every moral code you’ve learned growing up, but love has a funny way of going against the grain.

Bokuto exhales, sighing as he leans broad shoulders against the rough exterior of the building behind him, cigarette smoke floating in tendrils in front of him. He prides himself on the strength and health of his body, but when he gets in one of his moods after a particularly strenuous week, he can’t help but rely on the way the nicotine mellows out the stress of his job. Closing his eyes, he lets the muffled beat of the music inside the club reverberate through his chest, letting himself let go just a tiny bit. Foolish maybe, considering just how many people want him dead, but he allows himself a moment of lax judgement while on his turf, literally on the ground he owns, surrounded by his men both in and out of the club, under the watchful blue eyes of his right hand man.

Everything will be just fine.

And suddenly everything’s a little bit more than just fine as his curiosity peeks, sharp owl-like eyes scanning you as you come stumbling out of the club, taking deep ragged breaths, completely unaware of your surroundings as you greedily inhale the fresh night air.

He has to bite back the sharp grin that threatens to stretch across his face at your adorable jump and squeak when you finally straighten up and take inventory of who’s around you, quivering like a little mouse when you meet his intense golden gaze. There’s something different about you and he can tell with just a quick glance at you that this isn’t your usual joint, taking in your considerably conservative and casual outfit for the area’s most popular nightclub, the nervous ticks and almost bashful way you curl in on yourself, unused to the hungry look he continues to direct at you.

It takes some coaxing and he almost feels bad at how he swears he can hear your frightened and unsure heartbeat pounding your chest as he approaches you. But his talons are out, wide eyes too curious and intrigued by the prey that’s caught his attention to just let you go off on your merry way. He croons at how you stutter, tripping over your words in your nervousness, licking his own lips for a different reason when he sees your pink muscle dart out to wet your dry ones.

But he can feel his wings furl out to their full span, can feel himself prepare to lunge at you when he finds out that his sweet little mouse came all by herself, trying to get over your recent breakup by having some fun, maybe even finding someone to…

This time he does laugh when you embarrassedly trail off, ending your anxious ramblings, before pinning you down with a wild grin that makes your chest tighten.

“I can be that someone.”

There’s something about the man that leaves you on edge. You can’t deny the fact that he’s handsome, in a wild rugged way that reminds you of a predator. But there’s something...intense about him, something in his eyes, something in his presence, something in his aura that makes you shiver, keeping your suddenly heavy feet rooted to their spot. Not that you’d get very far if he was intent on doing you harm you ascertain as you stare at the muscular and toned figure in front of you.

Yet despite all that, you can’t help but believe that he really does mean you no harm. Maybe it’s what you want to believe. A last hope and faith that not all men are scum like your ex is. Desperate to believe that there are decent men out there, that you can find happiness and maybe even love one day. So going against every ounce of self-defense and common sense that’s been instilled in you all your life, you take this stranger’s hand and let him guide you away, finding comfort in his warm, calloused grip.

Even if you do end up dead after all this, you can’t help but think you’ve made the right decision, your problem more than solved as any thoughts of your ex (and anything else really) fly out your head as soon as you’re dragged into an alarmingly luxurious apartment. He really is more animal than man and you cry out as teeth harshly dig into your neck, possessively and hungrily marking every inch of you, lips greedily wrapping around perky nipples and sucking with a force that makes your eyes roll and your nails dig into his thick biceps. But that only seems to egg him on more and you vaguely wonder if you’re going to cum before he can even get to the main course, body already overwhelmed with arousal and desire as he touches you everywhere except where you need him most.

You’re positively dripping by the time he does make it between your legs, too high strung to even be embarrassed, letting out a high pitched whine instead when he teasingly blows on your sopping wet entrance, pressing your thighs apart, leaving you on full display. And you swear you black out purely from relief when a hot wet tongue finally licks a long line up your slit. So on edge already, it only takes a few flicks and lapping of your aroused clit to have you careening off that pleasurable cliff and you sob, body thrashing and convulsing as you ride out your orgasm while lips and tongue continue to work you over.

You blearily blink as you finally regain control of your body, expecting the man between your legs to take the hint as you try to sit up on your elbows. But you scream, instantly collapsing on the bed, hands fisting in the sheets besides you as two thick fingers suddenly slip inside of you, beginning a relentless pace right from the start, hot tongue still lapping and licking at your sensitive clit. It’s too much, too soon and you writhe, body trying to pry yourself away from the torturous pleasure, but also aching for another release as the coil in you is wound tight. Not that Bokuto leaves you much choice as he easily keeps you pinned down, your legs no match for the strength of his arms and upper body as he continues to feast on you, your pretty cries and screams music to his ears, your delicious juices intoxicating. And before you even realize it, you’re forced to your second peak, creaming and clamping down on the digits still stuffed inside of you, back arching, mouth opening in a silent scream.

Surely it’s over and you tell yourself that you’ll just close your eyes for a brief moment, a few seconds at most before paying him back with a blowjob, handjob, whatever he wants in return. Except your companion has very different plans on exactly how you’ll return the favor and your eyes shoot open, pathetic pleading noises spilling past your lips as you feel something hard and thick press against your entrance. But then he’s shoving inside of you, cock splitting your spent hole in two, and your mind blanks, unable to resist, unable to enjoy, only able to take and feel as it drags against your walls, going deeper and deeper.

And that’s how you pass out, one of the last clear memories you have before your mind fades to darkness, exhaustion and bliss rendering you useless as you’re ruthlessly fucked into and used by the man above you as he chases his own end, head empty except for mindless thoughts of cock, cock, cock.

There’s a few more one night flings after that and you try and convince yourself that it’s just that, nothing more, ignoring the pang in your heart when Bokuto sends you a sad face via text when he wakes up to an empty bed, ignoring the guilt resting heavy on your shoulders when you accidentally sleep in longer than you meant to and have to pry yourself from a pouting face and gentle grip on your wrist as gold eyes plead for you to stay.

But Bokuto Koutarou always gets what he wants and you find it harder to wriggle out from his strong arms as the sun’s rays filter through the windows, you find it harder to not sit down at his dining table and stay for a piping hot cup of coffee, you find it harder not to wake up and nuzzle closer to his body, cuddling and sweetly talking with him more than a casual relationship warrants.

And you find it impossible to not say yes when he asks you to officially go out with him one lazy morning as he cradles you in his arms.

Dating Bokuto is an adventure unlike any you’ve been on before and it’s so easy to be swept along in his enthusiasm and energy, giggling like children in one moment before you’re being pounced on in the next, gold eyes darkening in raw hunger and lust. Bokuto is an enigma that you wonder if you’ll ever truly understand, so easily shifting from a cheerful goofball to a dangerous predator and back again. But you don’t mind, finding the multi-faceted personality one of his strong suits...until it isn’t anymore.

You’d always had a feeling that Bokuto was hiding something from you, some things not quite adding up, the outgoing man strangely reticent about certain topics, especially regarding his work life and where his money comes from. But you had chalked it up to your sweet boyfriend being humble, not wanting to delve too much into his enormous wealth, because he must have enormous wealth from the penthouse apartment he lives in, the extravagant vacations he whisks you away on, the luxury gifts he bestows upon you without blinking an eye. And you’re correct, just not in the way you had imagined and you tearily and accusationally glare at him when you accidentally come across the hidden switch in the back of his closet, door opening and revealing crates and crates of a white powdery substance.

You want him to laugh it off like he always does, tell you some bullshit about it being for some prank he’s going to pull on Akaashi or Konoha, that it’s not what you think it is. But he doesn’t and the two of you just silently stare at each other, the pieces connecting all too clearly even without a word being said. And you leave, betrayal and hurt digging their claws into you as you leave behind a man who you thought you had known, who you had loved, but who you realize maybe you don’t really know at all.

It feels eerily familiar, a sense of deja vu flooding you when you take hesitant steps into another nightclub in the area, desperate for another distraction, another fling to fuck you free from thoughts of gold eyes and a muscular body. You tell yourself that there’s nothing similar about the solid build of the stranger you’re grinding up against, that the similarity in appearance is just coincidence as the two of you stumble to his apartment. But then lips and hands are all over you, too gentle, too soft, treating you like glass, words too cautious. Everything’s wrong, wrong, wrong and when he begins a slow careful pace, fucking you like he’s making love, so different from the way a certain man would have broken you down to pieces only to build you back up, you shove him off, uncaring of how rude you’re being.

That night when you return to your own bed, you sob in frustration, toys, dildos, vibrators scattered around you as you seek any relief you can get, looking for even the slightest mimicry of Bokuto’s touch, trying to remember what he sounds like, what he feels like. But memory and imagination can only get you so far, can never live up to the real thing, and you scream into your pillow as an unsatisfying orgasm ripples through you, the realization that Bokuto has ruined your body for anyone else, even yourself, sinking into you.

It’s absolute stupidity to be with someone just for great sex. Absolutely ridiculous. What decent human would go crawling back to their drug-dealing ex just for his good dick game? God knows what other shady underground shit Bokuto’s up to and you know it runs much deeper than a single room full of cocaine.

But maybe you’re not a decent human. Maybe that’s why you still can’t stop thinking of him despite how you try and hold out, despite the multiple flings, nights, and even entire weekends you spend with yourself in bed, spending far too much on sex toys, pussy and clit throbbing, fingers and hands aching from constantly bending to be inside yourself. Yet for all that, you’re never satisfied, every weak orgasm, every disappointing touch from another man only making your need for Bokuto even more pronounced, until you finally break. And a month later you call Bokuto, a scrambled frantic call over the phone with a dildo shoved deep inside you, a vibrator buzzing on your clit, tears streaming down your face when they do nothing to take away the yearning inside of you, begging and pleading for him to come and help you.

It’s humiliating how even just the sight of him skyrockets your arousal to levels you haven’t felt since the two of you dated and you whimper as he casually leans in your doorway, thick arms crossed across his chest, gold eyes raking over your sweating nude figure that’s writhing on top of rumpled bed sheets.

“This is a good look for a desperate slut like you. Couldn’t cum without me? No one, not even your little toys could make you feel good? Maybe I should just leave, just like how you left me. Leave you high and dry. Well I guess maybe not that dry.”

You pant, wide blown out eyes watching as he slowly approaches you, face heating when he bends down to peer at your dripping cunt, mockingly whistling at how you pretty hole is no different than a leaking faucet, inner thighs drenched in your arousal.

“Koutarou, please-”

You scream as fingers harshly twist at your nipples, eyes rolling to the back of your head as just that brutal touch is enough to bring you over the edge you had been hovering around for so long, body convulsing, a dopey grin making its way onto your lips when you finally feel the pleasure you’d been craving for so long.

“Fuck, you came from just that? Who the fuck said you could cum? Who the fuck said you could use my name? Sluts like you don’t deserve to say my name. You know what to address me as.”

You wail, pain melding with the pleasure as he shoves your vibrator away, alternating between pinching and slapping your already overstimulated clit as he enunciates every word he snarls at you, a feral grin stretching across his face at your barely coherent babbles of “sir” and “sorry”.

The constriction in his own pants is painful and he’s quick to strip waist down, slowly palming his aching erection. It takes everything in him to hold back, to not just shove balls deep inside of you in one strong thrust, your absence affecting him just as badly. But that’s not what this is about. This is about making a point, reminding you just how wrong you were for leaving him without a single word, rebuilding what the two of you once had. And as ravenous as he is, he takes his time, willing himself to slow down and rediscover every inch of you, painstakingly exploring your body once again, re-memorizing every sensitive part of you that elicits a little gasp, a tiny mewl.

And he doesn’t stop, pulling the dildo inside of you completely out, using his teeth, tongue, and finger to bring you to the edge over and over again, always backing away just when you’re about to fall off that pleasurable cliff once more, diving back in like a man starved just when you think you have a shaky grasp on your senses. Only when you’re full out sobbing broken cries of his title, a litany of “please, please, please” escaping you does he move on and he groans at how perfectly your legs wrap around his back, urging him inside you as his cock finally makes contact with your gushing cunt, your hands weakly pawing at him in a silent plea for more.

But again he stops, bringing a thumb to wipe away your tears as you begin to wail anew, frustration and denial tearing you to shreds, instinctively leaning into his touch as he gently strokes your cheekbone.

“Tell me who’s the only one who can make you feel good. Who’s the only one who can pleasure you?”

And as you scream his name, he finally slams inside of you, relentlessly pounding in and out of you, gold eyes hungrily taking in how wrecked you look, how broken you look, all because of him, only for him.

It doesn’t take long for both of you to tumble together over that edge, not when both of you are beyond pent up, absence making your hearts grow fonder and your bodies desperate for each other. And you can’t help the content warm surge inside of you when you feel hot thick liquid fill your insides, your body lax and useless in post-coital bliss, heart and mind eager for Bokuto to collapse beside you and pull you into his toned chest like he always does.

Except there is no familiar weight beside you and your head shakes side to side, drool trickling down your face when Bokuto’s softening cock is suddenly replaced by four fingers brutally thrusting in and out of you, curling just right along your still quivering walls.

“We still have a long way to go, little mouse. We have a lot of catching up to do.”

You don’t know how many times you’re forced over the edge after that, consciousness fading in and out as he assaults your cunt with his fingers, his tongue, his cock. You even vaguely remember waking up once to a dildo in your ass, Bokuto pounding into your cum-filled pussy, your body more stretched than it’s been in a long time. They all blur together, only tied together by the delirious pleasure that numbs everything else until you’re succumbing to darkness one last time as yet another body shaking orgasm rips through you.

It’s the scent of fresh coffee and bacon that awakens you and you blearily open your eyes, only to immediately wince as soon as you try to move, your body feeling like it had been rammed into by a truck (although you suppose that imagery isn’t too far off from what actually transpired). Sinking back into the plush pillow and mattress, you close your eyes, wondering what’s your next move. Force your aching body out of bed and confront the inevitable, already somewhat dreading having to face Bokuto now that your mind isn’t clouded with lust? Go back to sleep and pray that he’s gone when you wake up again, like a coward?

But Bokuto doesn’t leave you a choice and you shyly cover yourself with the blanket when he comes bounding into the room, a heaping plate of food and a cup of the delicious caffeinated beverage in his hands, heart fluttering when you see the warm and affectionate grin on his face as he approaches you, carefully placing everything on the nightstand before tenderly pecking your forehead and murmuring good morning.

You try to say something, anything, words getting stuck in your throat, but you’re shushed as the coffee mug is carefully placed in your hands, Bokuto’s soothing voice urging you to eat and recover first. And you gladly take the excuse, hunger and thirst from last night’s endurance marathon finally making itself known as you devour everything. But there’s only so long you can avoid the inevitable and with belly full and feeling more yourself, you listen as he gently grabs your hand, letting him entwine his fingers with yours as he tells you everything.

Who he is. What he does. Exactly how he’s affiliated with the Fukurodani Syndicate.

None of it is surprising, a lot of it what you had surmised and guessed yourself. But it doesn’t make it any easier to swallow knowing just how much he had kept from you, how much he had been planning on keeping from you for who knows how long. At least it’s all out in the open now though, no secrets left between the two of you, and there’s a pause as he continues to rub his thumb on the back of your hand.

“I won’t sugar coat who I am and what my life is. I don’t expect you to come running back with open arms. But if you’re willing to give it a try, I swear that there’ll never be any more secrets, that I’ll protect you, that I’ll love you. I’ll be the damn best boyfriend there ever is.”

You almost giggle at how childish the last sentence is, hope churning in your stomach when you see how genuine and passionate he is, fondness flowing through you when you recognize the man you had fallen in love with beyond the dirt on his hands. And you know it’s arguably foolish, goes against every moral code you’ve grown up with, but love never does seem to follow set equations and rules and you bring that hand to your lips, affectionately kissing your clasped fingers as you meet gold eyes.

“Let’s give it a try.”

[depressedkakashismut]

I would like your KakaGai 'first time' thoughts please.

Were they each other's first? Circumstances? Fallout?

Bonus points for brief thoughts on each of your major AUs? >_>

That's SO MANY AU'S

Canon

Kakashi is NOT Gai's first time, but Gai is Kakashi's. Kakashi has been a little too busy to e getting around, though he has some basic experience with Oral and handjobs with others, he has never had penetrative sex of any kind.

The circumstances are post sasuke leaving. Kakashi's struggling a lot, he's busy again and he's struggling a lot with his failure to pull Sasuke in and stop him from going after revenge. In the chaos Gai does what he does best. He sticks by Kakashi. Makes sure his friend knows he's not alone.

it happens one night when they're hanging out between missions. Gai's boasting about their great rivalry and it somehow comes to the topic of sex. Kakashi scoffs and says something along the times of' we're shinobi. we're too busy for sex life' which Gai corrects him quickly on. Gai has a sex life. He's rather active he has just never been able to pin down a certain partner. but then it hits him

Kakashi doesn't have a Sex life

Kakashi has never had sex

Gai's not sure why, but he decides it's his personal mission to fix that and Kakashi surprisingly doesn't argue. He's intrigued by this idea. The two of them decide to head back to Kakashi's apartment to try things out. see where they go.

They go...surprisingly quickly. Kakashi figures the two will jack off and be done, but he's entranced with Gai's body once it's laid out in front of him. He wants to get his hands on every inch that he can. Feel every muscle that Gai has so carefully toned.

what they both thought would be slow experimentation quickly turns into full blow, limbs tangled bedsheets on the floor sex and they love it. Gai has to guide Kakashi a bit and tell him just what to do, but well...Kakashi has always been a rather quick learner :)

The fallout? There isn't much. The two are a little awkward the next day but they get over it rather quickly and do it again within a week. and again a week later, and then slowly but surely it becomes a rhythm for them that they love. they don't even officially start dating, but they're enjoying each other's company as they always have with a little extra and they love that.

Samurai Kakashi AU

Neither of them is each other's firsts. Kakashi has had partners in the Land of Iron that didn't work out, and Gai has had partners in Konoha that didn't work out. they come together as equals ready to explore each other.

Their first time is in the land of iron, in the snow. Kakashi can't take Gai back to his house because that's past the border, but they make due. though, to be honest sex in the snow isn't all that comfortable. still, they enjoy what they can do and their first time in an actual bed together is beautiful

TMS AU

Gai is Kakashi's first but Gai has experience with others (has most definitely slept with Rin on more than one mission)

they sort of have two firsts.

Their first official time is when Kakashi is disguised as Sukea visiting Konoha and it's...awkward. Kakashi has to be careful not to have Gai take off his wig or expose him, but he's also wrapped up in Gai. enjoying every little thing they're doing, exploring Gai's body. It's beautiful and difficult and so very messy.

the second 'first' time is after the war. When Gai finally knows Kakashi is alive and can enjoy him without restraint. Where Kakashi doesn't have to keep a cover and can do as he pleases. It's hot and passionate and Gai's neighbours know exactly what he's doing because Kakashi is a screamer.

Modern AU

We're going to admit, this seems like the one time they would experiment as teenagers in high school, probably get really awkward for a while and try to return to just being friends, and then ultimately get together when they're older.

It's weird and awkward because they're weird and awkward and nothing goes right, but when they come back together years later it's a much different, more enjoyable experience for the both of them.

IWA Gai AU

They are each other's first. They're early 20's, both too busy with missions and training to try anything with anyone from their own villages, and then they find themselves in the worst situation

fighting back to back fending off other enemies.

They win of course but the adrenaline is too much for either of them and Kakashi ends up pinned up against a tree while Gai's sucking cock. The blow job is messy and far from the best, but they both have a lot of growing to do in this regard and Gai's damn smug when Kakashi's knees buckle after he cums.

The first time they properly fuck is also after a fight, except this time Kakashi has Gai pinned to the ground and decided to ride his cock. Gai never realized just how good it would feel to actually be buried balls deep inside of Kakashi, and he can't think of anywhere he would rather be.

[stargaze-issei]

— 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐢𝐤 𝐭𝐨�� 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐝 + 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐫-𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧 !

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭; karasuno and fukurodani react to their manager doing the body count/bodyody audio tik tok ! [insp by this tik tok]

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞; crack(?

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬; suggestive themes, maybe a little swearing i can't remember ajaksjq.

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞; the trend it's to put pictures of all the people you've slept with, in case anyone doesn't know!!

karasuno !

-> it was a joke, it wasn’t supossed to get out of the thrid year managers gc.

-> the girls found it hilarious and was a good conversation topic for hours, discussing who you put or didn’t put.

-> they knew, of course, it was fake. you hadn’t slept with oikawa, KYOUTANI, BOKUTO, tendou, atsumu, TERUSHIMA and OSAMU.

-> it was SO obvious it was a joke for them that nobody felt the need to point it out.

-> they just said things like “the most quiet are the worst ones” “OMG DETAILS ABOUT THE TWINS!!” “did terushima yk,, made a good use of his percing” because they KNEW nothing was real.

-> until tanaka and sugawara asked kiyoko for her phone to watch some videos of the new play they were trying.

-> and misaki, from johzenji, sent a “forget about teru— 🤢 can’t even say it,, Y/N I WANNA HEAR ABOUT BOKUTO!!! ik man’s  p a c k i n g”

-> tanaka looks at suga and suga looks at tanaka and they’re like .......tf

-> suga’s finger “slips” and they see the other messages until finally they reach your video.

-> you’re there looking pretty as usual and above your head reads “seems like were showing our body counts with this sound? here it’s mine 🤪”

-> tanaka is about to say “it can be what we’re thinking” but when OIKAWA’S picture appears both their jaws hit the floor.

-> nishinoya sees them and ofc he wants to know what’s so shocking, so he gets closer.

-> he drags hinata too, and shoyo’s like “that’s the great king!! play it again!! play it again!!”

-> fyi: suga paused the video because wOW and they don’t know who’s left in your video.

-> sugawara looks straight in the eye at nishinoya, going “keep hinata, kageyama and yamaguchi away and bring the team” with the MOST SERIOUS EXPRESSION

-> noya is lowkey scared??? like wtf??? but does as he’s told bc suga seems super intense.

-> kiyoko and yachi left to fill the bottles and pick some needed implements from the club room, you had classes for a few more minutes, therefore, there was nobody to stop them.

-> once the rest of the team, including tsukishima because everyone seemed to have forgotten he was a first year too, is together, suga plays again the video, while the littlest ones watch from afar in curiosity.

-> the silence, you will never hear them in a more tense silence.

-> they read what’s your tiktok about, daichi’s eyes go O.O, asahi goes RED, nishinoya seemed to be ready to FIGHT THEM ALL, ennoshita awkwardly laughs, even tsukishima blushes a little.

-> then oikawa appears. EVEYRONE’S EYES ARE FULLY OPEN AND NOYA LET’S OUT A GROAN???

-> but when kyoutani shows up they’re in SO much shock they kinda forget oikawa before, and daichi whispers an “oh god”

-> then it’s BOKUTO’S TURN and tsukishima just stops functioning. asahi is static on his place contemplating, withouth being able to form a coherent thought.

-> suga highkey wants the tea.

-> tendou feels like a betray to asahi, tanaka and tsukishima. noya, just for a second, wonder what was that like.

-> ATSUMU AND OSAMU FUCKING MIYA AND THEY EXPLOTE.

-> THE EXPLOTE LIKE WHAT????? WAS IT AT THE SAME TIME???? Y/N?¡¡¡¿¿1

-> they aren’t ready for the cherry on the top at the end, a picture of terushima sticking his tongue out, sweaty after a match, SMOKING HOT, and it’s not a picture he posted to his social medias or anything.

-> it’s only suga, and daichi a little bit, who realize that if that picture isn’t public, then either he send it to you or YOU TOOK  IT.

-> that’s when you walk in the gym, just to say hi before going to change.

-> the first year are playing among each other and you are like ????

-> they don’t even notice you’re there so you go nearer to see what they’re watching. and you see the picture of tersuhima yukie, from fukurodani, once sent asking misaki WHY her kouhais where that hot. it was also the only picture you had of him and the one you used in you video the day before.

-> the phone in suga’s hands seems familiar and... that’s kiyoko’s

-> “Y/N” screams asahi when he sees  you and the rest looks like they saw a ghost.

-> a second of silence goes before everyone blows in questions and you just hear names between bambling, “OIKAWA MNASNANPGDF” “MANASKL BODY COUNT ASLKLAS” “MAD DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

-> and daichi makes himself heard despite the screams.

-> “y/n, i know you’re 18 and capable of making your own decisions, but we have to talk about... physical relationships, with our rival teams”

-> kiyoko arrives and quickly puts two and two together and asks yachi to go check on the first years.

-> she looks at you and sees you like WHAT TF DO I DO and nods and say “you shouldn’t have gone through my phone, no matter how curious you are, sugawara-san” COLD AS ICE ISTG.

-> AND SHE CONTINUES “what who y/n does or doesn’t do on her free time is none of your business, all of you, if she decides to get together with anyone it’s just up to her. you should be ashamed of yourself, specially the third years. you weren’t just violating y/n’s privacy, but mine, kaori’s, yukie’s and misaki’s. it may have been a joke, or not, but it doesn’t give you the right. if you ever do something like this again, we will be talking with coach ukai and takeda sensei” SHE GRABS YOUR ARM, TURNS AROUND, CALLS YACHI AND YOU THREE LEAVE LIKE QUEENS????

-> once you’re in the club room, both you and kiyoko start laughing because the team was FROZE in place. not even daichi was so scary.

-> the team then apologizes to both and send an audio to the groupchat too, and never bring the subject uo again.

-> still, they all wonder everyday if you really did or not.

-> and of course, they get so defensive when they see any of the boys in the video it’s hilarious to you and the other managers.

— fukurodani !

-> damn yukie making up dares that always ended up bad for either you or kaori.

-> mostly you doe.

-> at a sleepover, she was like let’s make fake body count vids and who falls asleep first has to show them tomorrow at practice!!! it will be fun!!!

-> you accepted because you usually fell asleep after one of them did but that time it was like they gave you a sleeping pill because you fell like a rock after a few hours.

-> as to why you were there, the day after, about to go ask the team if you should post it.

-> you list consisted on kenma, kita, sakusa, daichi, and just for the fun of it, konoha.

-> the girls call konoha aside so he doesn't ruin the prank, and you proceed.

-> "hey guys, should i post this?? i’m not sure if i look good enough to be seen by the world” bokuto practically yells at you that you always look pretty before taking your phone from your hands.

-> “why don’t you ask yukie or kaori?” asks akaashi, that was a question you hand’t thought about and by pure luck, you were saved by bokuto yelling at the team to come and see what you’ve done.

-> konoha is about to head their way and yukie just grabs his arm like “no ❤️"

-> and nobody can contradict yukie’s no so he has no choice but to stay.

-> anyways

-> the team gather around bokuto, who is about to press play. at first it’s just your face, and everyone agree you look pretty.

-> but then they read “did anyone say body count? ;)” and they look at each other like ......what

-> washio leans to stop the video because he genuinely doesn’t know what body count is, sarukui explains it a little too loud, grinning, and washio goes "oh–"

-> thanks to sarukui’s explanation bokuto confirms his idea because one part of him did think it was how many people you’ve killed.

-> they press play again and kenma appears and bokuto just stares, doesn’t react.

-> akaashi’s eyes widened and he GASPS, washio can’t hide his disappointment mostly because why would you make this video and then show it to them.

-> when kita shows up bokuto lets out a surprised squeak, along with washio that’s just question your and his whole existences-

-> sarukui is smirking, his complete expression yells “way to go y/n!!!”

-> sakusa comes as a shock to every one of them, even sarukui loses the grin for a bit.

-> “how did you manage to...?” whispers akaashi, half amazed, half grossed.

-> bokuto then has to pause it for a little to keep his composure, he looks at your like WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ME GO THROUGH THIS

-> but when they resume it and daichi welcomes him he thinks it just can get any worse.

-> washio is like “isn’t that karasuno’s–?”

-> “HELL YEAH IT IS” SHOUTS SARUKUI AND THE GIRLS BEHIND YOU LAUGH SO HARD BECAUSE HE IS SO PROUD OF YOU.

-> the rest is like 🧍‍♂️ while sarukui is SO happy for you LMAO.

-> it’s at the end when no one smiles. konoha’s picture smiles at them and bokuto just stops the video to look at him, only a few meters away.

-> he looks at the picture and then at konoha and so on.

-> can’t get his mind around it????? lowkey no one can.

-> akaashi isn’t even blinking and his eyes are concerningly open, washio is regretting all his past choices that led to this moment.

-> sarukui death stares at konoha. no more fun sarukui, he crossed the line.

-> kaori and yukie are wheezing WHEEZING I SAY and konoha is so confused.

-> his teammates look like dogs about to attack but he hasn’t done anything to upset them?? has he??

-> like robots, akaashi and bokuto get up and walk towards konoha. a part of you tells you to protect him but... what are they going to do tho...

-> “you’re out of the team” THEY SAY AT THE SAME TIME AND ALL AND KONOHA GOES WHAT

-> your co-managers can’t even breath istg NO HELP

-> you then intervine trying to keep konoha in the team lmao “IT’S FAKE GUYS!! A PRANK!! KAORI!!!! YUKIE!!!! BACK ME UP!!! I’M KIDDING DON’T KICK KONOHA OUT”

-> akaashi partially believes you, but bokuto?? nope.

-> you planted the seed on his mind.

-> the whole team acts weird when they see guys from your vid and are looking for chances to bark at konoha.

-> “AKAASHI HAS TO STAND BETWEEN YOU TWO ALL THE TIME” that’s the new rule he set.

-> just to see them freak out, konoha sometimes flirts with you at practice ;)

[therantingfangirl]

Because I also want to know everything about Kurono. Pride 2, Lust 3, Gluttony 4, Envy 6, Wrath 3, sloth 5, greed 2

I really had to think through some of these, like a lot.

Pride 2: Does your oc trust the judgment of others?

Completely depends on who the person is. She trusts the judgment of those who have proven themselves trustworthy, but her default is to not trust their judgment initially. She does NOT trust the judgment of the twins, Deidara, Pain, Orochimaru, or most of the Konoha 12 (since she doesn’t know them well.) She’s hesitant to trust Kankurō’s but only because she knows his judgment is often times rooted in his emotions and feelings (towards his siblings, her daughter, and herself.)

She absolutely trusts the judgment of Itachi, Konan, Kisame, Shikamaru, Gaara, Temari, Kakashi, Shino, and Baki.

Lust 3: Would you say your oc is bashful about intimate conversations, or are they the blunt one that makes everyone else uncomfortable?

Haha no. She actually finds a bit of joy in making others uncomfortable with the inappropriate things she says. Unless, of course, she has feelings for that person but doesn’t know how the other person feels yet. She was very hesitant in making comments in front of Itachi or having actual conversations about intimacy, until she felt secure in their relationship. She was fine with flirting with Kankurō and having conversations with him with intimate topics, all until she had her moment of realizing she was actually in love with him, and then she became much less blunt about it.

Gluttony 4: Do they eat healthy, or tend to eat a lot of junk food?

She grew up an orphan during war time in Amegakure, so there wasn’t much care of what type of food she was eating. Food is food. Now that she’s older and her little family isn’t scrounging for sustenance, she tends to indulge herself whenever she can.

Envy 6: Does your oc want to be envied? Why or why not?

Not necessarily. She has a mindset of “you wish you were as good as me” when she’s a teenager, but that mostly comes from a standpoint of knowing that she’s a bit overpowered, especially compared to the other genin. Once she’s older, and most of the people she cares about dies (the Akatsuki, the twins, Itachi), she literally cannot think of why anyone would envy her.

But then when she’s with Kankuro, she would not be upset if she found out that people were jealous of their relationship. She knows her man is hot, and she always feels very conflicted on whether or not she wants other to know that as well. On one hand she wants everyone to acknowledge it because people should appreciate him in the way she does, but she also doesn’t want anyone getting any ideas about him.

Wrath 3: Is your oc easy to disappoint? How so?

Mostly, she is easily disappointed in herself. She grew up hearing how terrible the world is and how no one knows the pain that her family has gone through, so she tends to expect the worst out of people. She’s done some pretty terrible things herself, so she just expects others to be just as cruel/violent. It’s very surprising to her when she meets someone who doesn’t think the same way, and she finds herself extremely confused/drawn to these people. Even when she’s at the chunin exams and her target is Naruto, she keeps thinking to herself that she hates that he has to die for the cause.

Sloth 5: How does your oc help calm others down? Are they good at it?

When she’s younger, she tends to be an instigator. If it’s someone she cares about, she’ll ask who hurt them and immediately try to go fight them. If it’s an enemy/someone she doesn’t like (looking at you, Hidan) she doesn’t even try to neutralize the problem, she just jumps in to fight. But if it’s her closest friends and it isn’t because of someone else that they’re upset/mad, she’ll try to diffuse the tension by making jokes. When she’s older and has kids, she tends to make food for whoever is upset, but also will tell jokes while cooking.

Greed 2: Do they have a prized possession? What is it?

She actually has two. One is a picture of her, Yahiko, Konan, and Nagato that was taken on her fourth birthday, which happened to also be the day before Yahiko died and Nagato was paralyzed. The other one is a bouquet of paper roses. The roses are made up of the first roses that Konan helped her make and the first rose she ever made on her own.

[stuftpineapples]

"I'll pick up your pieces"

I knew Shikaku was the one bc he never shied away from being a great role model to Shikamaru. Mans was open about his feelings and he let his son know that having feelings does not make one weak. He has been such a strong and consistent pillar through out the Naruto series (and mans was hella fine for free 🥵😭)

I'm a little salty that Shikaku was literally the blueprint and they didn't make adult Shikamaru look like his fine ass daddy 😭🤧. I'm getting off topic 😂 but all this is to say that I believe in Nara clan supremacy. The mens of the Nara clan do not disappoint 🤧🤧🤧

Aside from being really hot, I just really appreciate the way Shikaku raised Shikamaru. These two are leaders through and through. Shikamaru has been through so much main character trauma that it's crazy. Konoha couldn't have made it this far without the brains and the dedication of these two. From the sasuke rescue mission to Asuma's death, Shikaku always knew what to say to get through to Shikamaru. He was such a great father figure and I just 🥺

Also, no matter how many times I see this scene I'll still tear up 😭🤧

[erumai-maadu]

Tenten and Hiraishin

okay so my hot fucking take is that Tenten should have learned the Hiraishin no Jutsu (Flying Thunder God Jutsu). 

Some info about Hiraishin: It is a space-time ninjutsu, and was created by Tobirama Senju. Each person has a unique seal formula that they can apply to any object by touching it. The mark never disappears (even after the user dies), and there’s seemingly no limit to how many marks can be placed. Once the mark is placed, the user can teleport to a mark’s location, regardless of distance. Anything the user is holding or is linked with the user’s chakra will teleport with them, but that would likely require additional chakra. Users can also teleport objects to a different location than them, or teleport an object without teleporting themselves. The technique is also commonly used with projectile weapons like kunai to give the user an escape or another location to teleport to.

One quick disclaimer: The most we saw the technique used was with reanimated Minato during the 4th Great Ninja War, and he had infinite chakra in his reanimated state, so that may not be the best example for the jutsu’s limitations. I’d assume that the further away the formula mark from the user, the more chakra required to move to it, and the larger the extra object one is trying to teleport, the more chakra it consumes (think about the chakra consumption from trying to teleport another human, compared to a giant boulder, compared to a Tailed Beast Ball like Minato did during the Nine-Tails attack).

Now back on the topic of best girl Tenten: The Hiraishin would fit quite well with her fighting style. Tenten is a mix of ranged and melee fighter. She tends to start off fighting at a distance, launching weapons at enemies, and then getting in close and finishing them off. Hiraishin’s projectile style would work out well for her. She’d start by launching a bunch of kunai from a scroll at the enemy, like her usual opening move, except all of them would be marked with her Hiraishin formula. Once those land, if there are any enemies left (because just regular old kunai are deadly too), she can pull out another weapon, teleport to the kunai closest to the enemy/enemies, and start fighting in close range. 

Also, as a weapons’ specialist, Tenten isn’t limited to using just kunai with the Hiraishin. Shuriken and maybe thicker senbon work too as projectile weapons. We’ve never seen it, but Hiraishin’s formula can potentially be applied to any weapon, so why not on the end of the chain of a kusarigama? Instead of having to draw an enemy in with the chain in order to stick them with the sickle, she can just teleport to the end of the chain where they’re being held and kill them. Using paper bombs also becomes a million times easier since she can teleport away so she isn’t caught in her own explosions.

Tenten has also trained with Gai, Lee, and Neji, so you’d better believe her taijutsu is good. Tenten can likely hold her own against a master after Gai’s training, and probably knows a few Gentle Fist moves from sparring with Neji quite often. So in a combat situation, if she (for some reason) didn’t have any weapons on her, Hiraishin can be applied by a touch of the hand, so she could use a bastardized version of the Gentle Fist to apply her seal formula onto the enemy/enemies. She could apply the seal formula on multiple areas of a person’s body. By doing that, she can teleport in close to the enemy, beat them with some taijutsu (probably using Strong Fist at that point), and then teleport onto a different side of them to beat them up from a different angle. If fighting multiple enemies, she can teleport between enemies at any given moment, effectively occupying the whole group.

Giving Tenten Hiraishin would also even out the huge power gap between her and the other ninja in the series. Since pretty much everyone in the Konoha 12 has at least one very powerful technique, Tenten, with her normal human scale powers seems very weak in comparison. I’m not saying this’ll make her equal to Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, or hell, even Lee, but at the very least she’s on a tier equal to Neji, or InoShikaCho.

Edit: IT WAS ALSO JUST BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION, BUT IF TENTEN HAD HIRAISHIN, SHE COULD HAVE FUCKING SAVED NEJI, BECAUSE YOU BETTER BELIEVE SHE WOULD MARK HER TEAMMATES WITH THE FORMULA SO SHE COULD COME TO THEIR AID AT ANY MOMENT

Also the image of Tennie teleporting around the battlefield to fight a whole division of an army by herself is just such a cool visual.

Imagine Tenten arriving at a battlefield against a ton of enemies and releasing a horde of various projectile weaponry from a scroll like she normally does, but these projectiles are inscribed with her Hiraishin formula. They fly forward, and hit trees and the ground, and some of the kunai and senbon and shuriken find their mark on enemies. One of the surviving enemies lunges at her, and Tenten just vanishes in front of their eyes. She lands next to one of her kunai, and unseals a weapon or five. Teleporting from kunai to kunai, she slashes at enemies with her multitudes of swords, knives, chain whips, and other weapons, too fast for anyone to even react. In minutes, a horde of enemies would be dead bodies rotting on the ground.

We were fucking robbed.

[writingnojutsu]

Naruto matchup for @kyleewrites

first of all, I’m sorry I took so long to write your matchup but well I love your description so much, you remind me a lot of one of my closest friends and it makes me so happy! I also had a hard time trying to match you up with who I think is the best ship for you bc I can totally see you with Kakashi as well but I think this one works way better...

so I ship you with this beautiful, outgoing and supportive hot man:

- Kiba Inuzuka - 

ok but first of all I want to talk about how you two would be the absolute power couple in Konoha and I MEAN IT

you’re so incredibly gorgeous and Kiba is one of the hottest in Konoha so you bet the two of you will be intimidating everyone as you walk hand in hand anywhere

he is infatuated with your looks and he wastes no time on showing you off to everyone and when I say everyone I also mean it bc darling.. Kiba will never shut up about how you’re his girlfriend, he’s proud of it

he might be absolutely in awe with the way you look but what he loves the most about you is your personality and literally your whole self

you’re so talkative and optimistic and it makes his heart go all warm and beat so fast because there’s nothing he loves more than listening to you talk about anything and throwing jokes every now and then that just make him laugh like no one else does

and your confidence? man, Kiba loves that. he loves how you know your worth and he finds it extremely attractive. Kiba being a very confident person himself, definitely needs a partner who matches his level and you are really are the right person for him

the two of you would constantly go on walks around Konoha with your pets and Akamaru, and he will grow to love your cats which will make everyone impressed on that bc Kiba is such a dog lover??? how is he petting cats now???

oh and of course Akamaru will love you so much that it will make Kiba so jealous

Akamaru will literally run to you and leave Kiba alone and he will get so pissed off it will be so funny bc deep inside he is actually jealous your attention is being given to Akamaru and not him

Kiba will train Akamaru to help you in any way (running for help, barking to get his attention, etc) whenever you show any signs of having a seizure and it will make you feel safer somehow bc Akamaru is one of the greatest ninja dogs out there 

there’s no one better than Kiba to keep up with your sarcastic sense of humor and the two of you are such loud mouths that you will often get in trouble together 

you said your love language is physical affection? well honey... you’ll have more than enough of it and that’s for sure

Kiba is EXTREMELY clingy and he will be all over you at any second he can

hugs, kisses, cuddles, slight touches, lots and lots of teasing... that’s Kiba for you

he will have to constantly let you and everyone else know (dear god you’ll have to calm him down in public pls) that he is your boyfriend

whenever he’s back from a long mission he will immediately run up to you and give you the biggest hug while he takes in your smell (yes, he’s like a small puppy who loves to smell) because it brings him such comfort to know that he’s finally with you and you’re safe in his arms

he’s always so warm and cuddly, like seriously he’s so naturally warm that whenever you’re cold at night, cuddling him will be the best thing in the world

even though Kiba is pretty impulsive too, when it comes to you he tends to be logical and rational since he cares too much about you and wants to protect you with his life

he won’t hesitate to let you know when you’re dreaming too much or thinking about doing something too crazy since he wants you to be safe and not get hurt

and since the two of you have such strong personalities, you will often debate topics and get fired up but will always end making up with some ahem.. really good physical affection so girl..

you’re so lucky, I’ll go cry

Kiba just loves you so much (and so does Akamaru) and he wants to protect you with his entire life even though he knows damn well you can easily take care of yourself

you will also meet his whole clan as soon as you start dating and they will all love your happy go lucky personality and will take you in as their family in an instant

you will always feel so loved and never alone and it will be so beautiful

[letshaikyuu]

ᑎO ᖴᒪOᗯEᖇᔕ ᗯEᖇE ᗷᒪOOᗰIᑎG (ᗩKᗩᗩᔕᕼI KEIᒍI ᔕᑕEᑎᗩᖇIO)

Synopsis: Akaashi and you were childhood crushes that got separated when you moved away. Social media was never enough to fill the void. What will Akaashi do when you come back and one of his teammates seems to have a crush on you?

A/N: I am not very skilled in writing scenarios so bear with me here. It’s also a female reader insert, sorry boys :(

Word count: 2522

No flowers were blooming in spring anymore for Akaashi Keiji. He was making towards the school grounds like it was just any other day. It was just another dull start to his second year of high school without you by his side. Akaashi would never forget the time you two picked flowers for your flower crowns that one spring day, mere days before school was supposed to start and you were to crouch into new school adventures. It felt like any other ordinary day outside while your mothers were sipping some tea inside the house. But, Keiji was not unfamiliar with emotions and facial expressions, even at a young age he was able to differentiate different emotions even though people tried hiding them. You were nowhere near the happy and cheerful girl that filled the silence with your childish glee and laughter. You were so quiet.

»»---------------------►

"Keiji..."

A whisper that would have been hard to hear for many, but Keiji knew your voice by heart. Looking up, his eyes were fixed on the tears filling up your eyes that were dangerously close to falling. Keiji was never the one to show much emotion or care, but this situation didn't fail to angrily burn his heart. What was going on?

Your next words burned his already aching heart even more as you let your tears freely fall down your face. Keiji didn't move. You didn't have the heart to wait for his reply so Keiji was left alone, eyes locking on your running figure that found comfort into your mother's arms. You two left soon after. Keiji was still sitting on his knees in the garden. Your neatly made flower crown on the ground was beside him and fallen apart. Was this happening?

"Keiji...I'm leaving Japan tomorrow."

»»---------------------►

The first day of school was over and he was already tired. He wanted to go back home and close himself off from the outside world for a few hours. Grab his phone and go through his gallery. Besides the huge amount of Bokuto's selfies on his phone, here and there a screenshot from his social media accounts popped up. Keiji was never the one for social media. It was a waste of time, he would say. What was the point in endlessly scrolling and looking through profiles of people you probably don't even know? But Keiji does have social media. It wasn't his choice. His mother bought him a newer phone shortly after you moved away. "So you can stay in touch even when she's so far away," his mother said to him when she gave him the phone and ruffled his hair, "there's no point in giving up, is there Keiji?"

That is how Keiji tried to stay in contact with you. You easily found each other on social media and he was glad you still wanted to talk to him. At first, your messages were frequent and filled with stories about your new school and friends. There wasn't a moment to put away your phone cause the messages kept coming. Keiji would merely reply with a "that's nice" and "hope you're liking it there", but he always read them all with a sad smile on his face. You seemed to fit in well with the people there. Keiji always admired you for that. It was you who decided to befriend this quiet, little boy in the house beside yours when you were little. He will never admit how much he appreciated you for that.

The worst part is that Keiji started developing a crush on you. He tried to talk himself out of it by seeing it was normal to have such feelings at a young age and that they will evaporate as he grows older. But they never did. You were becoming more and more beautiful as the days and seasons went by and Keiji couldn't wrap his head around what was happening with him. That little crush of his didn't go unnoticed. His mother figured it out very quickly and never failed to embarrass Keiji whenever he announced he was going out to play with you.

"You'll make a fine gentleman one day Keiji. Don't you forget that."

Unconsciously, he smiled at his mother's words as he entered the hot gym. The sounds of volleyball hitting the ground were enough to snap him out of his thoughts and refocus at the task at hand. He had practice. Bokuto Koutarou was loudly yelling at his kouhai and teasing him about how he's late and he was to do extra laps at the end of the training. The rest of the team chuckled at his words because there was no way Bokuto was going to stick to that.

"I apologize Bokuto-san. It won't happen again." Akaashi's words cut through the once cheerful atmosphere like a knife as he walked towards the locker room to change. Bokuto looked at the figure of his best friend that was soon lost with the door closing behind him. He was named captain for a reason. Bokuto Koutarou, no matter the excessive amounts of mood swings he has, knows when something is going on...and in Akaashi's case, he had quite a good guess as to what is bothering him.

When Keiji stepped foot on the court and started playing, there was no doubt in Bokuto's mind that his bad performance was caused by overflowing thoughts in his head. There was no beating around the bush in this situation, especially when the others knew about this.

"Oi Akaashi." His voice was rather serious for someone who's usually so cheerful and filled with positive energy. Keiji knew where this was leading to and he was dreading every second of it. "Isn't Y/N coming back soon?"

There it was. The ever-so sensitive topic to Akaashi Keiji. How Bokuto found out was still a mystery to him, but it was futile to hide anything from his curious senpai. He didn't mind. It was something that was in the past and there was no need to run away from it. Or at least that's how Keiji wanted his feelings to be portrayed. The ball that was being held in his hand was tossed back in with the others in the trolley as Keiji called it a day. The practice was soon to be over anyway. His teammates, especially the senpais, knew him well enough to know when Keiji is done with something so they didn't want to meddle. But meddling was Bokuto Koutarou's middle name.

"Akaashi I'm-"

"There is no need to apologize Bokuto-san. I am doing just fine and there is no guarantee that Y/N is coming back." Keiji knew he was lying, but the way those words effortlessly came out of his mouth made him think otherwise. He has told himself this lie over and over again that it sounded like the truth.

Back home, Keiji took out his phone to scroll through his gallery. He knew by heart where those screenshots of your conversations were. He started looking at them.

»»---------------------► Sept. 12th

"Heeeeey Keiji I just saw this cool painting of flowers the other day! I remember how much you loved hydrangeas! They always made your eyes pop heh"

"That sounds nice Y/N"

"You know I always think of my best friend Keiji ;)"

"Of course I do. I do the same"read 11:17pm

»»---------------------► Dec. 17th

"Hey...is everything alright there? We haven't talked in a while...I know we're both busy, but let's not let that stop us from talking!"

"Don't worry about that, but I have to go now. Sorry."

"Oh...that's okay...Take care Keiji"

"You too."read 10:47pm

»»---------------------►Feb. 8th

"Akaashi guess what! I'm moving back to Japan this year!! I can't wait to see you, I missed you so much..."seen 00:23am

»»---------------------►

Keiji would be lying if he said his heart didn't skip a beat when he saw your last text message. He didn't know how to feel. That childish glee he felt years before, while you were still here, warmed his heart and he didn't know how to react. The memories of your childhood adventures made him smile in remembrance, but was he ready for this? Were flowers blooming again in his heart?

»»---------------------►

The following day had an eerie feeling to it. Keiji wasn't sure what was happening, but it felt odd. He felt odd. Like there was a nest of angry crows battling inside of him. His head was hurting as well. Walking towards the gym, he felt as if he would pass out at any moment. Were you moving back to Japan? In the back of his mind, Keiji knew that neither his heart or his head was ready to see you again and confront you about his feelings. Maybe you were leaving a boyfriend behind. Maybe you even found a loving girlfriend. You were probably heartbroken that you had to leave your friends and move back here at such age. Was it necessary to list all the bad things about mo-

"Keiji?"

Just like a flower's bloom in spring, Keiji's heart fluttered at the sound of such a sweet and loving tone. To some, it was just an everyday voice that you could hear everywhere. To Keiji, it was a bird's chirp, a kid's giggle, a heart's warmth. There was no doubt in his mind that it was you.

"Y/N?" His eyes looked up and in the crowd of tall figures, he easily spots you. You grew up into a beautiful girl. Your face matured and so did your body. But your eyes...your eyes still held that mischievousness and happiness they had years ago when Keiji saw them filled with tears. That was a sight that haunted him for years as it was the last time Keiji saw you before your move. He couldn't have you walking out on him at the airport, your small body growing further and further away. It was a big bite to swallow for little Keiji.

But here you were, looking as beautiful as ever...with Konoha's arm over your shoulder? What even-

"Omg Keiji it's really you!" You smiled widely at the sight of your childhood friend, but your feet were planted firmly to where you were standing. You two kind of drifted apart these past few months, there was no doubt about it. He didn't even read your last message to him and you were so excited about moving back and possibly confessing to him. Would it be too much to run to him and hug him tightly? To feel all the emotions begging to be released on the surface as his arms tighten around you?

"Would it be that bad to feel your love again?"

»»---------------------►

There was no way in hell that Keiji was going to let you date Konoha. There was no problem with him or if he had a girlfriend, but it was not going to be you. It was official. You moved back to Japan for what seems forever, you were in Fukurodani and Konoha Akinori had a crush on you. Akaashi Keiji was jealous. That too was official.

Unfortunately for Keiji, you became close friends with the team so you frequented coming to practice a lot. Although the awkward silence that filled the gym whenever you and Keiji were in the same room wasn't easy to ignore, the team tried to let you two clear the air by yourselves. And no, Konoha did not have a crush on you, but he did have a plan. Make Akaashi so jealous that he has to confess to you to move on! That's right, Fukurodani does not meddle.

Konoha was pushing his limits very much and Keiji's tolerance was reaching a big, fat zero very fast. It wasn't until he bluntly asked you out on a date that Akaashi felt like waiting longer would mean losing you forever. Storming out of the gym with your forearm in his grasp, Keiji left the gym with a smirking Konoha behind.

"Akaashi- What is wrong with you!?" You pulled your arm out of his grip and stood your ground. "Who gave you the right to pull me out of there like that!?"

You were prepared with an onslaught of comments regarding his unusual behavior, but you bit your tongue. Why was he fuming in rage? There could've easily been steam coming out of his ears. But your words made him even angrier and sadder. What happened to calling him Keiji? To teasing him about how much you found his name gorgeous and fitting for such a guy like himself? You always brought a smile on his face whenever his name left your lips. Now, it was nowhere to be heard of.

He tried to calm himself down, but the years of keeping quiet and not having you around were too much for him to keep his usual calm demeanor. Turning around, he took a deep breath before opening his eyes to look at your shocked face. Taking a cautious step forwards, he took hold of your hands before continuing.

"I'm sorry for the way I acted Y/N back there. I'm also sorry for letting us drift apart." His mellow voice sounded out into the quiet, night background. There was no one in sight and Keiji felt it was easier to voice out his thoughts. "You can't imagine how much I missed you and wanted you to come back to me."

Tears were brimming in your eyes again, but this team Keiji was there to handle them when they fall.

"I love you Y/N...I did when we were kids and I...I still do now." His hand moved to wipe the stray tear slowly trickling down your face and he was quick to pull you into a hug. He was not letting you run away from him this time.

"Keiji w-why didn't you say anything before?"

He chuckled and that wonderful sound was music to your ears. "We were just kids back then. Nothing would've changed you moving away, wouldn't it?"

Keiji knew he was right. He may have doubted his decision before, but now it felt like it was the right thing to have waited this long. In the end, you were in his arms as both of you have already wanted and there was no doubt in his mind that this was exactly where you belong.

"You know what Keiji..," you moved away from his chest and lovingly took hold of his face. You couldn't have even dreamed about Keiji growing up into someone this handsome and beautiful. It was better than any painting your eyes saw of hydrangeas that reminded you of him. This in front of you, was a true piece of art. And you were happy to call it yours.

"I love you too Keiji...ever since we were kids."

No flowers were blooming in spring for Akaashi Keiji. Now, flowers were blooming in every season. In spring they were at their peak. In summer they were constantly with him and keeping him company. In autumn they would slowly start falling asleep and in winter there has always been this one flower that survived the harsh weather and snow that keeps blooming only for him. And that flower will always be you.

[eleanor-devil]

Boruto: Sacrifices [Remade] | Chap.2 - The Aftermath

Written by: Eleanor-Devil & @mirage-05​​

Prologue | Chap.1 | Chap.2 - You’re here

"The sudden and violent attack on the Konoha orphanage left citizens shocked and in fear as the threat of a former enemy lurks over Konoha. While there is no confirmation that the incident is indeed linked to Orochimaru, one of the two legendary sannins still alive, the Hokage office searches for every possible clue. Thirty of the kids who are-" That was when Mitsuki decided that he didn't want to listen to more of it and turned off the television. The sun was barely up and the Konohamaru platoon was supposed to meet later for an easy mission and a training, but its youngest member had not slept very well to greet the new day. The days leading to the new moon had always been hard for him, and this cycle has been no exception, only topped with the recent incident. Was it really his father? Not much has been publicized yet about last night, and although Mitsuki didn't really believe his father was in any way involved, he found himself wondering why the Sannin had been the first person to come to mind. It wasn't really a matter of trust, because he refused to believe Orochimaru could act on impulse and without a good reason. It was a matter of curiosity. He proceeded to the counter to take a pill for his increasing headache when he heard his phone chime. He picked it up to see a text message from his best friend.

"Wanna catch up with us for a late b-fast? Sensei is gonna meet us there later." He thought about it for a moment, then typed. "Sure." Maybe a little walk could do good to clear up his head a little. ... It was a nice day outside, neither too cold nor extremely hot. They were to meet in a cafe they had frequented over the past year, when they kind of got bored of the numerous fast-food restaurants around the town. It was small, cozy and didn't have many customers around this hour, so it had, in one way or another, became their safe harbor. "We were beginning to wonder when you would be coming," Sarada said good-naturally when she saw Mitsuki approaching. "Boruto was about to come and get you." "I walked around for a while," Mitsuki said simply. Boruto and Sarada looked at each other for the shortest of seconds. "Is everything alright?" the girl asked finally. "Yup. So when will we get going?" said the blue-haired boy, sitting down on the chair next to Boruto and grabbing the toast that was among the many things his friends ordered. "Konohamaru sensei said he will be here in about half an hour." Boruto explained, also digging in. "Seems like we have a simple mission at hand, and then a training afterward." "Do you know what kind of mission?" "Well, we thought it might have something to do with... the orphanage," Sarada said and Mitsuki actually stopped for a second before he moved on to take a bite from the toast. "Apparently, there are a lot of things that need to be done, and most genin teams are already assigned." When his friend kept his silence, Boruto frowned a little. "Dude... you sure you don't want to talk?" The blue-haired boy looked at him with raised eyebrows. "And you became the team therapist, when...?" "You know what I mean! If you..." "Boruto." Mitsuki cut in, giving him a level look. "I'm not gonna break down or anything, as you well know, so let's just eat in peace, okay?" The blond thought better than to push forward. "Sure." he said, returning to his meal. ... “Wait… our mission is in the grade school?” Konohamaru sighed before rolling his eyes. “For the fourth time, Boruto… yeah, it is.” Boruto folded his arms with a slight pout before looking to the side. “Well I’m sorry I didn’t think they would give us a babysitting assignment, ‘ttebasa.” “And again, it’s not a babysitting assignment. We were requested by their homeroom teacher to demonstrate the ninja rankings - apparently, there are quite a few students who are interested in the ninja career.” “It makes sense.” Mitsuki mumbled. “After all, we are one of the two teams who has two genins, a chuunin and a jounin.” “Not to mention the current Hokage’s son, and the future Hokage.” Sarada said a little proudly, earning herself a glare from the blond. Konohamaru couldn’t help but smile at his team’s antiques. “Well, hurry up, you guys. We are expected to be there in half an hour.” … To be mild about it… the mission didn’t start as they expected at all. “Where do babies come from?” “C-come again?” Boruto stammered out, completely taken aback, just like his teammates, while the mortified homeroom teacher chided the children, a number of fifteen six-year-olds. “Now kids, this isn’t our topic of discussion-” “Bah, we already know the stupid old ninja ranks.” “And you wouldn’t explain to us when you went to meet your child last week - maybe they can.” At a loss for words, the three pre-teens looked sideways at their sensei. Konohamaru, who had gone very red in the face, became even more uncomfortable under their gaze. “W-why are you all looking at me, kore?” “Well, you are the adult.” Boruto pointed out. Sarada cleared her throat, feeling like she should take the lead as the next responsible person. “Uh… I guess we can say they come from the hospital.” The kids didn’t look at all impressed with the answer. “Well duh…” “Laaaaame…” “We’re not three-year-olds you know…” “Well…” Mitsuki chimed in helpfully and all the heads turned to him. “Sometimes… they come out of test tubes, too.” A hushed silence fell over the class as his team and the teacher gaped at the blue haired boy, complete with their mouths open, wondering what on earth was he talking about. “That’s… wow…” one of the kids finally whispered, awed. “Way better than the ‘storks brought you’ theory!” “Hey, does that mean there’s a baby lab somewhere?” Before he could say anything more and add to the awkwardness, Boruto, standing next to him, clasped his hand over Mitsuki’s mouth. The teacher was the first to snap out of it. “Very well,” he said, turning a triumphant and scary smile on the grade schoolers. “If you know the ranks so well, why don’t you enlighten us?” The first kid who spoke smirked. “Simple. Gonin. Juunin. And… er…” “No no, you got it wrong. It’s Ronin, Shunin and Kyuunin.” “Hey, you just made it up!” “So what? Do it better!” “Is it true you are the Hokage’s son?” Taken aback by the kid’s question (and more so by the fact that one of them finally spelled a rank correctly), it took the blond a while to reply. “Err… well, yeah.” The kid who asked the question gave him a once over. “Funny, you don’t look like it.” And immediately, Boruto’s expression became irritated. “Why you little brat…!” “Just let it go, Boruto!” Sarada turned to the students with a smile. “Okay, I will fill you in on the ranks. The lowest ninja rank you can attain is Genin, like my friends here.” She pointed at Boruto and Mitsuki. “You have to have a special set of skills to become Genin.” “Like what?” “Something you would have to figure out by yourselves when the time comes.” “Are all the Chuunins this boring?” the kid who had spoken up to Boruto asked with a yawn. The girl’s  cheeks flushed red with this. “Hey…!” The blond raised an eyebrow as a knowing smirk made its way to his face. “Hey, just let it go Sarada.” “That’s not the same!” “Sure it isn’t.” “And you become a Chuunin with an exam.” Mitsuki intervened immediately when the tension in the room suddenly increased tenfold. “If you remember, me and my team took it last year.” “How come only she became Chuunin then?” “Well, that’s because-” Sarada began, but was cut in. “Because she’s the daughter of Uchiha Sasuke!” a girl said with starry eyes, bringing the black haired girl to a halt. “H-how do you know that?” “That’s nothing to do with it.” Boruto said dismissively, and the girl found herself stiffening. “Uncle Sasuke took me in as an apprentice too.” “Are you trying to underestimate me?” the girl asked in a dangerous whisper. “Wha- it’s not your skills that are in question here, Sarada, it’s mine!” “Yeah well, maybe they do need some polishing.” “You two...” Konohamaru began with a frown, knowing which direction this was going. “Hey, if you’re gonna lash at me, why don’t we do it the old-fashioned way?” “Fine by me!” Without waiting, Sarada lunged at Boruto, who turned to face her in expectation… But before things could escalate any further, Mitsuki quickly worked his jutsu, extending his arms to catch his teammates from the middle and push them to the corners of the room. There was a round of collective gasps and a few oohs from the students. “And this,” the blue haired boy said pleasantly, “is not the way a Genin or Chuunin should act.” The kids began clapping Mitsuki. They couldn’t help it. Soon, Sarada and Boruto joined in the laughter as well. … “Well… this mission went well!” Boruto exclaimed with a huge grin. “The kids loved us!” “Well? To the contrary, I’m disappointed.” Konohamaru spared an unimpressed glance to the most vocal members of the team. “We were there to demonstrate those kids the ninja ranks, for one thing. And you guys’ behavior set them a bad example.” “Yeah, it wasn’t like those little punks were very interested.” “Irrelevant.” “Just because they said you didn’t look like Hokage-sama’s son…” “Hey, at least they didn’t call me boring.” “Enough, you two.” The Sarutobi’s voice was stern now. “You could both take a leaf out of Mitsuki’s book. I expect better collaboration in the training - if you want to defeat me, that is.” Just then, they were interrupted by a jounin coming up to them. “Konohamaru-san… you and Sarada-chan are required to attend a meeting in the hall in half an hour.” The Sensei and the Uchiha exchanged a brief look, already having an idea of what the meeting was about. “We will be there.” the young man replied crisply, and turned to the remaining members of his team. “All right, in light of this, we will have to cancel our training session. I will rearrange it for tomorrow and let you guys know.” “Aww man, now that Sarada is a Chuunin you two get all the fun!” This time, Konohamaru grinned as he punched the Uzumaki lightly on the shoulder. “All the more incentive to push yourself harder for the next exams. See you two tomorrow.” … The meeting hall was filled to its maximum capacity. Konohamaru, seated in the front lines where the Sarutobi clan members were, took a look around the huge room. All the six important clans were here, including his, as well as many important jounins and the ANBU. Naruto, the sixth Kakashi Hatake and some of their trustees were standing at the very front, facing all those who had gathered. They had just briefed all the Hokage office gathered about last night. For some odd reason, the setting reminded him of trials. There was a buzz of talking, which ceased immediately when Naruto cleared his throat. At the small pause before he started, Konohamaru met the eyes of Hyuuga Hanabi, who blushed slightly and gave him a very small smile, which he returned. "We've analyzed the nature and technique of last night's attack thoroughly." Naruto began, and everyone in the room returned to business mode. "The odds are in favor that Orochimaru is indeed after the attack. Three eye-witnesses reported that his curse mark was visible on the culprit." Naruto paused for a moment. Everyone in the hall kept their silence, but some of them looked at each other, as if coming to a silent agreement. "Now as for the precautions, we will triple the border guards and change the frequency of their shifts-" Konohamaru heard his clan's leader clearing his throat. Naruto looked over at him. "Yes, Sarutobi Kichiro-san?" he asked politely. “Excuse my intervention, Nanadaime-sama,” the leader of the Sarutobi clan started in a somewhat cold manner. “But I believe there’s a matter of utmost urgency before all these precautions.” There were murmurings around the room. “Please, share,” Naruto prompted, still politely formal, although wary of the calculating look in the old man’s eyes. He thought a brief, sarcastic smile appeared on the man’s lips before Kichiro turned to look at the people gathered in the hall. “Wouldn’t you agree,” he said, fixing his gaze on the Hokage again. “...that exiling Orochimaru’s son, Mitsuki, is our top priority?”   

[britishassistant]

But I Like One Piece (17)

Unsurprisingly, they stay in for the rest of the day.

Naruto and Lee badger her to show them more of the “singy thing language”, so she writes out the alphabet for them.

It’s actually a bit difficult to translate individual letters back into the language of this world, which is based on grouping sounds that all involve vowels. The idea of singular consonants without that does take a bit for them to grasp.

Eventually she just grabs paper and some pencil and shows them how to write their names.

Lee’s name is easiest, and he delights in how quickly he masters the curves of the “r” and “e”s to write it out over and over again, each version getting a little bit more of a flourish.

Naruto struggles a bit more with his, given the larger number of letters in both his first and last names and his insistence on trying to write the cross of the “t” and then the stalk, like it’s a hiragana character.

“But why can’t I write it that way?” He whines.

“Because that’s not the way it’s written.” She replies primly, avoiding her mother’s knowing gaze and memories of being gently scolded for writing hiragana characters like they were “t”s.

Years of giving up pudding cups have proven that she’s weak to Naruto’s whining, so eventually she just gives up and lets him write it whatever way he wants to.

It’s not long until the adults join in as well.

Okaa-san’s handwriting is flawless like her calligraphy, producing the most legible iterations of her name once she’s got the spelling down.

Gai-sensei produces the most written versions of his name, though that’s probably her fault for telling him his name could either be spelled G-A-I or G-U-Y. He seems to have decided to claim both spellings for himself, if his dedication to making sure he can write each properly is anything to go by.

Otou-san is just worrying over whether his name looks better with or without the “u” on the end.

Gai-sensei is also very interested in directions as well, for some reason. He makes her go over «left», «right», «up», «down», «behind», «ahead», «go», and «stop» until he, Naruto, and Lee have them all quasi-memorized.

Then her mother asks her about English swear words.

It isn’t until she’s finished running through them all and Okaa-san sweetly says, “If I catch you saying any of those, you’ll be banned from cooking for a week, alright?” that she realizes she’s been tricked.

Otou-san and Gai-sensei are awful at muffling their snickers.

They end up preparing a very late lunch/early dinner.

Turns out divulging her biggest secret and trying to guide her family through the travesty that is the English language is long and hungry work.

A few filets of the lamb come out to rest for an hour, because Naruto asks about some of the dishes from her past life.

While the idea of making a Proper Roast Dinner on her own still turns her stomach, she figures she can at least adapt the meat into the “plate-2-bowls” format.

She crushes a clove of garlic and takes a generous donation from Habu-san to prepare a marinade. “So, any more questions?”

“What kind of training did you do in your Springtime of Youth?” Lee asks, eagerly.

She feels sweat trickle down the side of her face as she finishes marinating the meat and sets it aside to rest before grilling. “Ah, not much really. I was more the... scholarly type—I’d rather have my nose in a book than do much physical activity.”

The thought of her past self trying to tackle anywhere near the amount of exercise she does now...

“I would die.” She states. “That me would die even trying to do a half-lap around our training field.”

There’s a moment of silence that feels highly judgmental.

“...That’s kinda lame, Mayu-chan.” Naruto says.

“I know.” She hides her face in her marinade-covered hands. “Can we not talk about it please?”

“You were the one who opened the topic of conversation, sweetheart.” Okaa-san says, putting the rice on.

“Regardless of the folly of the past, your determination to fulfill your creed has allowed you to blossomed into the Springtime of your Youth!” Gai-sensei shoots her a thumbs-up and a reassuring beam.

She smiles back weakly as Otou-san starts wiping the bits of rosemary and garlic off her face with a wet cloth and a chuckle.

After the marinade is cleaned off and the meat is grilling, she’s left to puzzle over what side dishes to make.

Traditionally, the lamb would be served with root vegetables—potatoes or turnips or swedes, parsnips roasted in honey—but alongside the rice, that many carbohydrates in one meal would be far too heavy, especially for the others who are used to smaller, more balanced portions.

Just as she’s wondering what to do, a bunch of green onions appears on the counter in front of her.

Her mind ticks over possibilities. They’re not leeks, but maybe roasted and served in miso soup...

She grins and grabs a knife.

The onions are diced into perfectly even rounds, sizzling to a perfectly browned texture before the dashi comes to a boil and tofu is cubed and dropped in alongside the onions and some dried seaweed to mellow the flavor.

Somehow a red cabbage appears under her knife, and is chopped into manageable slivers, joining orange slices without the skin and a light vinaigrette that tastes a little sharp, like lemon, on the plate.

The lamb filets come off the grill, each one a warm pink in the middle when they’re sliced against the grain.

The scent of cigarette smoke is barely noticeable under the delicious smells of food.

The cuts of lamb are arranged against the little piles of salad, the umami of the meat and its marinade balanced by the more refreshing flavors of fresh fruit and vegetables.

The miso barely splashes as she pours it into six bowls, onion and tofu bobbing merrily as she spoons generous portions of rice into the rice bowls.

She turns around, ready to serve—

Only to find the other occupants of the kitchen staring at her, frozen.

Gai-sensei’s mouth is hanging open. Otou-san has a hand on his bokkem.

Lee’s eyes are wide and starry. Naruto’s mouth is curving into an excited grin.

Her mother swallows and takes a breath to compose herself. Her voice is slightly strangled.

“Mayu. Let’s talk about boundaries for y—for those deities to follow when they’re interacting with my little girl, alright?”

A shiver goes down not-her spine at the look in Okaa-san’s eyes.

Late lunch/early dinner is delicious, even with the revelation that she had had help (Sanji’s help!) for cooking a lot of it.

According to Lee and Naruto’s enthusiastic descriptions, he’d actually appeared behind her, washed out and slightly blue and see-through, like an underdeveloped photograph, but there. He’d nudged ingredients towards her, steadied her hands while cutting and pouring, then looked over to them with a press of his fingers to his lips and a wink before vanishing just as she turned around.

She has to cover her face with her hands and turn to the side in her chair so she can kick her legs wildly at the thought of receiving Sanji’s unseen aid, let alone him actually touching her.

Her cheeks feel like they could melt snow, they’re so hot.

Gai-sensei volunteers to search all over Konoha in order to find Sanji for her mother, who is not very happy that the chef escaped before she could Have A Word with him.

To be fair, if she were Sanji, she’d probably run away before her mother could Have A Word with her too.

Lee is also on board with this plan, though both he and Gai-sensei are stumped when Naruto asks where to start looking.

Otou-san suggests they build a shrine for the StrawHats in the back garden.

“After all,” He says, swallowing a bite of lamb. “Providing these deities with a place of worship might help...ground them, somewhat, lessen anything nasty if they’re accidentally offended. It’ll give us a sure way to contact them whenever we want too, rather than just waiting for them to pop up willy-nilly.”

“An excellent idea, Jirou!” Gai-sensei cheers. Her father flushes bright red and shoves more food into his mouth.

On Monday, she goes to the Academy flanked by Naruto and Lee.

The masks are in the branches of practically every tree they pass.

She keeps her gaze on the ground and clutches Lee and Naruto’s hands a little tighter in her own.

Lee doesn’t seem to want to let go when it’s time for them to go to their separate classes. She gives him a hug, and that seems to placate him a little.

Naruto just doesn’t let go.

For the entire morning.

Even when it becomes difficult to write down notes for Iruka-sensei’s lectures, he holds on tight to her hand or her wrist.

She feels a bit bad for feeling grateful when they take their usual places at either end of the lunch table, but she was beginning to get worried he wouldn’t even let go if she needed to use the restroom.

Everything seems to pass as normal, even with Sakura’s strange behavior and Chouji’s continual bouts of summer flu. She’s getting quite worried about his health at this point.

They stay behind after the Academy day ends to ask Iruka-sensei about shrine-building. While he personally doesn’t know much about it, he very helpfully points them towards a few stores that do specialize in that sort of thing.

Okaa-san and Lee are waiting outside the gates to walk them home.

She sleeps in the big bed with Okaa-san and Otou-san like she did over the weekend.

A week goes by.

Nothing out of the ordinary happens.

She trains with Gai-sensei in the mornings, they all eat breakfast together, she, Lee and Naruto go to the Academy, she and Naruto eat with their friends at lunchtime, either Okaa-san or Gai-sensei escort them home, the saga of convincing a store to sell them the components for shrine building continues, they eat dinner together, and she sleeps in the big bed.

The problem isn’t that shrine components aren’t available for sale. They are. There are even little kits for mini home shrines that people can build.

The problem is that those shrines are all designed to be dedicated to this random sage guy or to dead people. And she doesn’t really think it’ll be well received if they make a dead person shrine for any of the StrawHats except maybe Brook.

But making one of those for him and a different one for everyone else would also be discriminatory and break his heart. Except he doesn’t have a heart to break.

Yohoho, Skull Joke.

Only Otou-san finds that funny. She sulks a little, but digresses.

Even the store owners who make personalized shrines get suspicious when they hint that maybe they would like something for worship that wasn’t dedicated to the sage guy.

They’ve been turned down in three stores so far, and outright banned from one.

In her defense, she wouldn’t have said anything about the owner’s mother if he hadn’t called Naruto a demon and those other awful things.

She gets another cooking ban anyways.

By the start of the following week, her parents don’t quite look at her like she’ll disappear if they take their eyes off of her.

Naruto and Lee stop keeping a death grip on her hands as well, though they do still hug her a lot more than they used to.

She likes the hugs, so she doesn’t bring it up. She’s mostly just glad she gets to sleep in her own bed again.

Chouji’s illness seems to be clearing up too, slowly but steadily. He still has a few hot flushes, but he’s a bit more alert now. When her current cooking ban is over, she plans on making him some chicken noodle soup to help speed up his recovery.

Shikamaru keeps laughing when she tries to enlist his help in identifying if there’s any flavors he particularly likes or doesn’t like, which is beginning to irritate her a little bit.

Sakura’s...not getting better. At all.

Ino’s face seems to be set in a smiling rictus these days, desperately trying to bridge the growing distance between her and Sakura.

Shikamaru and Chouji have been doing more stuff with her, like partnering up for group projects and walking home together, which helps a bit she thinks.

Naruto and Kiba are just on eggshells. Naruto is tiptoeing around them, trying not to do anything that sets off another scolding.

Kiba’s reached the stage where he’s yelling back in self-defense the moment Sakura turns to him and opens her mouth, though every argument leaves both of them looking even more miserable than before.

Hinata’s tried having a word with her, but she just reported back that Sakura either genuinely doesn’t seem to think there’s anything wrong or is doing a very good job of pretending.

She’s putting money on the latter, because the idea of the former being true is too unpalatable for her to swallow.

The weirdest thing is that aside from Ino, Naruto and Kiba, Sakura’s been treating the rest of them like normal.

It does throw her off kilter somewhat. Still, she, Hinata and Shino do their best to adhere to their plan of “be civil, but shut down any attempts to belittle Naruto and Kiba before it gets too bad”.

Uchiha has surprisingly been the best enforcer of this particular policy. All it takes is one disapproving look from him, and Sakura freezes in the middle of what she was saying like a rabbit in front of a hunter, then quickly turns to talk to Hinata about something.

She’d never thought she’d say this, but borderline assaulting chunin together may’ve been the best thing to happen for the three of them.

Still, Sakura is their friend after all. They’re not just going to abandon her. Even if she’s going through...whatever this is.

She’s asked Okaa-san and Otou-san covertly, but apparently all is well in the Haruno household according to Kizashi and Mebuki Haruno, so she’s at a bit of a loss as to what could be going on.

It had better not be a weird, warped form of puberty, courtesy of parasitic chakra somehow turning people into jerks. She’ll—she’ll—she doesn’t know what she’ll do if it is, but she won’t be very happy, that’s for sure.

To add to this confusion, this year boys and girls get split up for lessons after lunch.

The girls are taught by a different teacher to Iruka-sensei, a mousey woman with glasses who tells them that they will be learning how to blend in to civilian society as kunoichi.

She had no idea what that word means.

When she asks the teacher, the woman looks like she might burst into tears for some inexplicable reason. She then refuses Hinata’s offer of a tissue violently, as if the poor girl had offered her a bomb instead of something to blow her nose on.

It does not get better from there.

She’d anticipated that getting The Talk from Otou-san and Okaa-san, or from Gai-sensei, would be awkward enough. She thinks that even Gai-sensei would do it better than this teacher though.

At least he wouldn’t cry at every mention of the word “sex”. Probably.

She makes a mental note to give her friends the less confusing version later.

Hinata is constantly praised in this class for her ability to appear harmless and ladylike, while Ino is chastised for being too overtly “ninja”, whatever that means.

She gets told that, while her feigning ignorance is extremely credible and will serve her well on intelligence missions and under interrogation conditions, she needs to work on being less... memorable.

She’s...fairly certain that’s positive? Relatively certain. Kinda.

The way the teacher’s lower lip is set to a permanent wobble makes it hard to tell.

[seijch]

just binge read ur previous asks for the sleepover and i was very much entertained😌 how would ur top 3 ACTUALLY dress? like we always see those “outfits the hq boys would wear” but they seem so... unrealistic😭🤚

whack me w a pillow or smth (sleepover event)

OK HI I WAS THINKING ABT THIS MY WHOLE SHIFT N ENDED UP HAVING ENOUGH BRAINROT TO TYPE A WHOLE THING IN THE NOTES APP SO HERE WE GO!!! 😈💯

ok im typing this after finishing the post but i rlly like the way this came out so everyone please read it if you want to see me brainrot over konoha kenji n kuroo ...

KONOHA is definitely a man who Knows his essentials ... knows the beauty of sweatpants and joggers and knows that he looks Good in a solid colored tee (but doesnt shy away from print ... its just that if you open his closet its literally black white n the occasional pop of color) i would LOVE to say he accessorizes but no he doesnt 💔💔 its his fatal flaw too ..... dont be shy aki let me buy you one of those chain bracelets!!!!! those are sexy as fuck and i PROMISE they would make him look even better!!!!!!! in general he gives me big silver or white gold vibes even if i cant see him wearing jewelry on his own :/ its ok if he were to date me id make him come around to the idea ...

he gives white air max 90 or air force 1 vibes does that make sense . if anything has color in his fit its maybe some print on his shirt but if not its DEFINITELY his shoes ... i was thinking abt this but i think hed look good in the bel air jordan 5s but maybe thats just bc i wanted to get a pair NJFKDSFS if we want to get a little less realistic (i mean not rlly bc i know ppl who do this) he probably keeps up w supreme drops n its less to resell and more to get the clothes at retail price which is MUCH more reasonable than resell (i think its 40 for a shirt? idk my friend keeps up w it n i love to hear him brainrot but that doesnt mean i retain ALL the information 🤕)

:: go-to outfit? say it with me ... white shirt/crewneck sweater if it’s cold with sweats. if he needs to dress it up, hell throw on some plaid or switch it up w some nice jeans. unlike the other two he has a good idea of how to dress throughout his life which makes looking Back a much . easier experience compared to the other two LMAO

FUTAKUCHI swears by the denim gods when he needs to actually Care abt his outfits and im MAD abt it bc how dare he look good .... im going to fucking kill him 🪓🪓🪓🪓 the image of kenji in a denim jacket w a hoodie underneath n some ripped jeans haunts my every waking moment you dont understand......... hes ALSO a plaid man which pisses me off even more .... but im going to be honest he uses outerwear to hide the fact that theres definitely a hole in the armpit of his favorite shirts ... hes had them since high school kenji PLEASE buy some new shirts!!!! probably suffers in summer bc he cant wear jackets n stuff without looking weird (has definitely said hes wearing plaid For The Fit when in reality its bc theres a stain on the back of his shirt from when he sat in bird shit. its Artistic baby speak your truth!!!)

at least you can convince konoha to wear jewelry if you keep at it ... while i think kenji gives silver vibes over gold i dont think you would be able to convince him to wear it unless youve already bought it and basically ambush him with it JKSDFDS if anything i think hed settle for those leather bracelets ... its ok his ego is fragile ❤ shoe wise idk he gives me vans vibes (so does konoha but he also looks like a nike stan so i said that instead). if he lives somewhere cold he probably owns a pair of those classic wheat colored timbs (You Know The Ones)

i can tell you RIGHT NOW that in elem and junior high he was one of those kids w the neon athletic fits that took pe too serious when he got in the groove 😐 shut the fuck up n pass me the ball kenji were in fourth grade i shouldnt be failing PARTICIPATION in PE 🗣🗣🗣

:: go-to outfit? a rlly comfy denim jacket (hell let you borrow it if you bitch enough n hell be like Sigh . The Things I Do For You but when you slip it on hes abt to combust) w a shirt that probably has a chili stain at the hem of it n ripped jeans. the white slip on vans. i hate that he looks good.

KUROO is . idk i feel like hes a lot harder to pin down but he probably shopped at hot topic in middle school 💔 is this projection? maybe. am i WRONG abt it tho ... ANYWAY like everyone who grows out of that phase, he has Taste ... post college or just at the club i KNOW he understands the effect a slightly unbuttoned black shirt has 👁 prob rode the eboy wave bc he thought the fashion was nice so he might have a few of those clunky rings ... rarely wears them but bitch he SHOULD!!!! otherwise, i think he keeps it pretty simple! lots of hoodies and sweaters bc if he has no one to rlly impress hes big on comfort. owns a good amt of athleleisure (is that how you spell that hjkdfds) bc he does work out regularly but if you were to come across him during an 8am lecture i can guarantee all he did before coming to class is brush his teeth ... 

unfortunately not a chain man but while his rings may be black (yk like black titanium) or silver, if he were to wear a chain i think hed be fine with either silver or gold! i personally think hed look good in either 🙈 shoe wise i rlly cannot pin him down ... for running im seeing him leaning towards nike shoes but i like . cannot tell what hed wear regularly SHJFKDS 

what i CAN say is that when he was younger (and i mean until his second year of high school) he was one of Those Kids that wore the Quirky printed button ups but like . this time its not a compliment . in junior high he definitely thought those ... and it PAINS ME PHYSICALLY to say this ...... fingerless gloves were the coolest things around ..... i hate that i had to google that now im going to get ads for hot topic

:: go-to outfit? black hoodie w maybe some design or print on it w sweats or jeans (like konoha hell dress it up or down depending on where youre going). if you make him wear them hell even bust out the eboy rings he bought forever ago <33 i think later in life when hes more sure of himself (and i mean like after hs ... hes good in his 3rd year but i feel like hell still deflect compliments in the form of teasing and not believe it in 3rd year) he Knows he looks good so he doesnt rlly have to try unless you want to be That Couple that takes over the world one fit at the time ... in the end the only one he wants to impress is you 🙈

[kuriquinn]

Evil Author Day WIP # 1

Someone asked me to do a female version of “Why Sasuke Uchiha Will Never Drink Again” and so I actually started working on that. And then got caught up thinking of all the ridiculous truths and dares that could be done and didn’t finish.

This isn’t even half of what I had planned to write, but it’s all the parts I cackled at WHILE writing, so do enjoy! (And spot the Suits reference :D :D :D

[...]

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[...]

“And, it’s official!” Sakura declares, pouring the last bit of sake into her cup before raising it in front of her. “The Fourth Annual Sexy Wives of Konoha Summit is now in session. Kanpai!”

The rest of the women in the back booth of the izakaya raise their own glasses and chorus, “Kanpai!” before tipping back the alcohol.  

“Can I just say I think our summit is a lot more fun than the Kage summit?” Tenten asks.

“Definitely,” Karui agrees. “More alcohol, which I’m in favour of. And we probably have more interesting stuff to talk about.”

“Does anyone actually know what they’re talking about?” Ino asks.

“Something about tariffs,” Hinata says. “Or…sheep, I think. Or maybe both.”

“Or aliens,” Sakura suggests.

“Or aliens.”

“You know what they should be talking about?” Ino asks. “Better footwear for shinobi. I mean seriously, the athletic sandals we used to wear as genin? Do you know how much blood and muck I used to get between my toes? It’s a nationwide crisis, is what it is.”

“Yeah, screw aliens,” Manako agrees.  

“Or preferably don’t

The other women murmur their agreements, clink their cups, and then drink.

[...]

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[...]

“Okay, okay, I got one, I got one—imagine you get Sasuke to agree to have a threesome with you and another guy—”

“Tch! Sure, in a parallel universe,” Sakura snorts, and then pauses, blinking. “On second thought, having met the Sasuke from a parallel universe, I think he might actually be into that sort of thing.”

“Wow,” Temari says with a blink. “I don’t know whether that’s hot or disturbing.”

“Hot,” Tenten decides.

“Disturbing,” Karui says at the same time.

“Both?” Hinata suggests tentatively.

“Both,” Manako says with a definitive note in her voice.  

“All of you shut up, I haven’t finished my question!” Ino snaps, and the other women glance back at her. She renews her grin at Sakura. “So—say you get Sasuke to agree to a threesome with another guy, but it has to be a guy from your genin squad—”  

“Ino!”

“—who would it be?”

“That’s not fair!” Sakura protests. “Both of them are married! To people sitting in this room!”

“Well, fine, if you’re going to whine about it—for the purposes of this truth we can include members of your chūnin squad, too.”

“That’s no different!”

“If you don’t tell the truth, you have to do the dare,” Ino sing-songs.

Cheeks burning and expression mutinous, she spends a few seconds considering the lesser of two evils, and then sighs. “Fine. Kakashi.”

There’s a burst of uproarious laughter and squealing.

“No way!” Ino protests. “He’s so old!”

“He’s not old, he’s experienced,” Manako corrects with would-be-haughtiness. “And a girl could do worse.”

“It has nothing to do with that!” Sakura cries and goes, if possible, even more red. “It’s the choice that makes the most sense! If it were Naruto, he and Sasuke would forget all about me and start some ridiculous competition—probably measuring their dicks or something—”

Everyone laughs, and even red-faced and perpetually embarrassed Hinata cocks her head to one side as if to say, ‘fair point’.

“—and that would end in a fist-fight. Then there’s Sai, who would have a comment for everything, and Sasuke would take it as criticism, and that would end in a fistfight,” she goes on, ticking options off her fingers while Temari snorts and takes another sip of sake.  

“—and Yamato-taichou would be so unbelievable uncomfortable he would pass out—”

“Also, didn’t Sasuke stab him once?” Temari wants to know.

“—yeah, exactly! I doubt he’d want to get it on with the guy who stabbed him.”

“I don’t know if that would make a difference. Sasuke’s stabbed Naruto half a dozen times, and Naruto would probably still be down to fu—”

“Manako, if you finish that sentence, I will slip cocoa into your food and watch you asphyxiate to death in front of me,” Sakura vows, glancing over Hinata with the urge to press her hands over the other woman’s ears.  

“Doesn’t setting off a severe enough allergic reaction that is causes anaphylactic shock violate the Medic-Nin’s Oath?” Manako challenges, and then makes a face. “Huh. Say that ten times fast.”

“There are loopholes,” Sakura replies primly.

“Sure there are…”

“Why are we focusing on Sakura becoming a murderer, and not on the fact that she wants to bone her former jōnin instructor?” Karui wants to know.

“I never said I wanted to bone him! It was Truth or Dare question!”

“Hmph. I personally would have gone with the Dare…”

“I don’t know,” Ino muses slowly. “I guess it could be interesting. I mean, he does read those books all the time.” She shoots Manako a questioning look. “Or does that not carry over?”

The older woman grins wolfishly. “Oh, it does. It really, really does.”

“La-la-la, I can’t hear you,” Sakura sings. Forget putting her hands over Hinata’s ears, she’s clapped them so hard to her head that she feels a bit of suction between palm and ear.  

[...]

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[...]

“Okay, let me ask you the most important emotional question I can think of,” Manako says, adopting a serious expression.  

The former Sunanin raises an eyebrow, but her face remains as stolid as ever. “Fine.”

But Manako doesn’t speak. Instead, she holds the tips of her index fingers together and then slowly starts to pull them apart.

For a moment no one knows what she is doing, but as the distance grows between the fingers—three inches, four inches—comprehension dawns on everyone.  

“Oh my god!” Sakura sputters, before pressing her hand against her mouth to muffle her laughter.

Temari doesn’t answer or change her expression as Manako continues to move her fingers apart—five inches, six inches—and Hinata squeaks, cheeks filled with so much blood she appears about to faint. Seven inches, eight—

“Okay, now I’m actually getting worried for you,” the older woman says.

“You have no idea,” Temari replies, leaning back with her arms crossed and a satisfied smirk on her face.  

“I can’t hear this!” Ino wails. “He’s like…ugh, he’s like my brother and you just…that image! I will never get that image out of my head.”

“Shit,” Karui says. “How are you still walking upright, woman?”

Even Tenten looks impressed.  

“Okay, we have to get this out of the way right now, so no one else decides to draw it out over a bunch of Truths,” Ino says. “Over and done with. On a scale of one to ten—”

“On a scale of one to Shikamaru,” Manako sniggers.  

Ino shoots her a dirty look. “On a scale of one to ten—”

Sakura interrupts. “The average length is about five inches. It’s beyond the norm to have a penis larger than—”  

Hinata yelps in protest, and Karui gives her an unimpressed look. “You’ve had two children and copious amounts of sex, and the word ‘penis’ bothers you?”

“It’s…it’s not a very nice word,” the Hokage’s wife mutters, embarrassed.  

“It’s not a very nice-looking body part, but it gets the job done.”

“Especially if you’re Temari, apparently,” Tenten chuckles.  

“She’s got a point, though. Sometimes I wish I was only into women, so I didn’t have to look at a penis,” Manako says. “It’s one thing to know it’s there—and hey, I benefit greatly from having a partner that has one—but given the choice…” She seesaws her right hand up and down. “Honestly, I could do without.”

“You’d still be with Kakashi even if he didn’t have a dick?” Karui asks, surprised.  

“Of course! You don’t know what that mouth is capable of—”

“Does he even have a mouth?” Sakura wonders.

“—and even if that wasn’t the case? Dildos exist for a reason. Whether you have a dick or not,” Manako decides. The raises an eyebrow at Karui. “Are you saying if Chōji was in an accident tomorrow and lost his balls, you’d stop being with him?”

“What? No! And besides, what accident would that be? He barely even goes out on missions anymore.”

“Actually, there are several ways a man can lose—” Sakura begins.

“I wasn’t actually asking,” Karui rolls her eyes.

“I think we’re all getting wildly off-topic here,” Ino interjects. “Now! On a scale of one to—”

“—Shikamaru,” Manako and Temari say at the same time, one a little more wryly than the other.  

“—where do our guys fall?”

“I think that’s an inaccurate rating system,” Sakura protests. “Size can’t be the only factor.”

“Yeah, what about girth?” Manako wants to know. “It’s all well and good if I guy’s eight inches long, but if his dick’s as thin as a pencil, it’s pretty much useless.”  

“And what about stamina? It’s not like it moves on its own,” Karui adds.

“Oh! And proper aim! Or, you know, additional use of fingers. Nothing worse than sex with someone who thinks penetration is the only way to get a woman off,” Tenten adds,  

“Gods, this is turning into some kind of quadratic equation,” Ino complains.  

“It’s not that hard,” Sakura protests. There are several laughs at that, and she rolls her eyes. “Pun not intended. But anyway, let’s say we have four categories—length, girth, stamina and miscellaneous—”

“What about…” Hinata begins, her voice barely above a whisper, and then she adds, “What about the feelings you have for your partner? That…I’m sure that makes a difference.”

The other women consider, and the nod in agreement.

“Alright, so we have five criteria, so if we put those out of ten, average them out and then assign them a value on the spectrum of one to—”  

—Shikamaru,” Karui, Manako and Temari chorus.

“Stop that!” Ino snaps.  

“—then it would be more accurate,” Sakura finishes.  

“If you’re still able to do math, you’re not drunk enough,” Tenten informs Sakura.  

“You have no idea what I’m capable of when I’m drunk,” Sakura retorts. “And besides—I don’t get drunk.”

“Oh, so that wasn’t you Sasuke was carting home from dinner last weekend, slung over his shoulder and staring at his ass?” Ino challenges. “Hm, must have been some other pink haired lush with a mutant forehead.”  

[...]

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