#doesn't bother to ask) and that he should hold onto his friends. they're important.

[the-lark-ascending69]

I don't want to see Robin being a good queer mentor to Will. I want her to be so broken inside that all the advice she gives is 1) clearly her projecting 2) sardonically pesimistic and 3) simply bad, terrible advice. I want to see her rambling about her own traumas and end by telling Will the world sucks, that everyone hates you, there's no happy endings and the best thing you can do is crawl into a hole in the earth and cry.

Will feels slightly intimidating watching this weird girl have a mental breakdown in front of him, so he just says "I think I'm gonna go ask Steve"

[herrscherrofyatta]

Splintered Heart

Chapter 5

Pairing: Kazuha x reader, Ayato x reader (could be both in a way?)

Genre: Arranged marriage, angst

(contains spoilers for Ayato's story quest)

✧ this a Fu Hua theme blog✧ art credits: Rafa on Twitter!!

Ayato watched as his wife spoke happily with Chisato, they seemed to be bonding quite well over the woman's upcoming wedding. Chisato was looking over the wedding ring on Y/n's finger, gushing at how beautiful it looked while the h/c haired looked over at him for help a few times.

He looks up at the sky, seeing that it was almost the afternoon and he quickly stands up, catching the attention of the two women.

"I'm afraid it's time for us leave, we still have things to do." He says and Y/n quickly smiles at Chisato before retracting her hand from her grasp.

"Y/n, shall we go?" He holds his elbow out for her to take and she slowly wraps her hands around it. She smiles at him.

"Of course, Lord Kamisato. I'll be seeing you two at the wedding and I hope we came meet up to go shopping, Y/n." Chisato says at the h/c haired, "wedding or no wedding, I hope we can become close friends."

Y/n nods before the couple walks away from Chisato, "ah, they're so cute together." She mutters as she watches Ayato and Y/n walk away from her, greeting a few people who bow their heads respectfully at them.

"Although, I think I may have misread the look Y/n's face earlier when I mentioned their wedding day." The woman's eyes stay on the pair until they're out of view. "Could they......no, I don't think that's possible...right?" She grabs the empty tea set from off the table, her mind filled with many unsettling thoughts.

"Maybe I should ask one of the elders about them." She says out loud, walking back to the estate, the morning sun shining down on her.

—

Ayato looks down at Y/n, who was unusual quiet during their walk back to their estate and he finally decided to ask what's wrong, it was clear something was bothering the woman.

"Y/n," he calls out softly, making both of them stop in their tracks in the middle of the forest as the quiet sound of the river to the side made everything peaceful. "Is something bothering you?" The h/c haired doesn't respond immediately only to falter forward a bit, catching Ayato off guard.

"Y/n?!" He manages to grab ahold of her before she could hit the ground, "what's wrong?" Holding her up, he sees how pale she was and he immediately realizes that she was using her vision.

"I'm fine, just...a bit dizzy." She says, holding her head, sweating a bit but Ayato was clearly worried as he picked her up in his arms.

"What did you managed to find out?" He whispers to her, he spots a few vines hiding away on the trees as they walked by.

Y/n chuckles at this, "nothing much, Matsuura never meant his apology about what happened earlier and he's responsible for the wedding happening so quickly.....they're planning to get Chisato away from the Hiiragi clan by marrying her off..."

Ayato nods at this, "I see, you've done well. Rest easy." He tells his wife, the faint glow of her Dendro vision flickers until it settles down and he hears the slow breathing of Y/n, indicating that she fell asleep from exhaustion.

Ayato sighs in relief, taking a good look at him wife's peaceful face, he knew that using her vision to that extent would cause her to very tired. The last time she used it was when he was out making sure the resistance was able to sneak into the city with being detecting by the Shogan's soldiers. Of course, being an important person himself, there would be many people would try to assassinate him or his wife and when they had a chance to strike when he left his wife unattended.

That day when the traveler managed to resist the Shogan's sword, was the same day Y/n was taken away by some of the Fatui, of course, Ayato had no knowledge of this and only realized what was going on with Y/n due to her being able to reach him through the use of her vision.

The way the vines that clinged onto the trees in the area caught his attention and those very same vines lead him to where the Fatui were hiding out in.

Ayato reaches the estate, spotting Thoma cleaning the garden before he spots them.

"My lord! You're back already," Thoma says, running over to them but spots Y/n sleeping in Ayato's arms peaceful. "Did my lady use too much of her vision?" Even though Thoma asked, he knew the answer to his question.

Ayato careful hands him his wife, "Thoma, could you bring her back our shared room? I have business to attend do so I can't do myself." The ginger nods his head, "of course, you mustn't worry about my lady."

Ayato smiles at him before moving his gazes to his wife's sleeping face and carefully caresses the side of her face before pulling away.

"Alright, I'll be going." Thoma watches as he walks away before heading inside, passing the two guards at the entrance of the home. He doesn't greet them as they only open the door for him, unable to do it himself with carrying the h/c haired.

Stopping just outside Ayato's and Y/n's shared room, he glances to the door on the other side of the room. That one used to be Y/n's 3 years ago, the couple never shared a room until the tragedy that lead to Y/n's dear friend's death at the hands of the Shogan.

"Maybe....you two can be happy now." He says, before walking inside the room and carefully taking off the haori on Y/n's shoulders, before setting her down on the bed. Resting her head against the soften of the pillows, her chest raises up and down slowly before Thoma leaves the room.

"Rest well, Y/n." He shuts the door. Making sure he's a few feet away from the room.

"I hope Y/n reacts well upon hearing Kazuha's return." He mutters to himself, fully knowing that the subject of Kazuha was a sensitive one for the h/c haired.

Masterlist

[stormblessed95]

Hi, I hope you're doing well. I would like to know about the dynamic of a gay couple jikook in this case (since I believe they are dating ) many times we've heard jimin talking about staying without clothes in presence of the members. So I know they're men and have shared many things lol maybe even a bath together. I also know with all the activities they do, changing in the presence of each other doesn't bother them but I'm asking myself since jikook are dating do you think they can allow themselves to shower with other members or even present themselves in a certain way in front of the others? Also, do you think they feel protective about that? (How much privacy they can share with other members). Thank you in advance and sorry for the typos English is not my first language.

Hi, your English is great. I need yall to stop apologizing to my monolingual ass about your English skills when you are conversing in a whole different language and I couldn't even pretend to hold a conversation in your native language! So thank you all for extending the effort to meet me where I am on this blog 💜 You all are so wonderful and I appreciate it!

Now, I went on a whole rant earlier in the month on a reblog about relationship boundaries and the importance of not projecting your own boundaries on a relationship that is not yours on people you do not know. It stemmed from an anon questioning about JK being flirty on Instagram on @spankpjm blog, I'll link that here

But the main point that travels over to this post is point number 2, which was:

YOU consider flirting emotional cheating. Don’t project your relationship standards onto anyone else’s relationship. They are not and never will be the same. Its okay that they are different too. If Jimin and JK are a couple, like I think they are, what they consider cheating or what they have as boundaries in their relationship is up to them, and them alone. You don’t get a say in it at all. Again, for all we know Jikook are a couple and are in an open relationship or have regular hookups all together with their friends or they are closed yet THEY don’t consider flirting as cheating as long as it doesn’t go farther. You don’t get to make up the rules of their relationship for them or for anyone else for that matter. No one is making you conform to their standards, so you don’t get to try and say they should then conform to yours.

Just swap out the word flirting for anything else here. Sharing a shower or hanging out with each other in their underwear. Being touchy. Literally whatever you want. The message is the same. Our boundaries are not their boundaries, whatever their relationship may be, it's theirs to choose how it functions.

Now I don't know if you are Queer or not. But if you are, you'll probably understand what I mean when I say Queer Platontic relationships are very different than cishet platonic relationships. Queer plantonic relationships often blur the boundaries of what cishet people consider to be romantic and sexual vs platonic only, while not considering that relationship to be romantic or sexual in nature at all. I am very very touchy with my friends and my love language isn't even physical touch. And I wouldn't consider touchiness a cross in boundaries in my relationship, as long as the touching/flirting stayed platonic. And what that means for me and my partner is defined by us. And our definition of what platonic touching looks like could be very different than what your definition of platonic touching/flirting looks like. That's why communication is so important. And yes, there is a difference in platonic flirting, joke flirting and intentional flirting.

And let's just also take into consideration the fact that if you've ever done a sports team, or showered at a gym.... you've then often been showering with and changing in front of strangers. Naked in front of strangers while you get ready is okay, but naked in front of close friends who you love and trust, while knowing there is no Romantic or sexual feelings between you is not okay? Is hanging out in your boxers while at your home with your besties.... any different than hanging out in swim suits at the pool with the same people? That towel in Summer Package 2015 that Jimin wore was only there because of the cameras. Lol if they weren't filming, he probably wouldn't have bothered. Just like most men are fine just hanging out in their suits at the pool.

Do I think Jimin and JK are poly or in an open relationship? NO. Just to clear that up this time. Lol Do I think they have boundaries they've established together over the years that they are now both comfortable with in their relationship together? Yes. Do those boundaries include how they behave together and/or with other people, including their members? Probably. Just look at 2016, it was a huge year of pushing and figuring out what each other's boundaries were. I think they are fully past that. Which would mean, hanging out at home, friends there or not, in your boxers probably would not be a boundary crossed for them. Are those boundaries possibly different than boundaries you would have in your own relationships? Probably. They live very different lifestyles than we do! Lol do we know what those boundaries are in their relationship? No, and it's honestly none of our business!

So I think they can allow themselves to do whatever they want with the other members. As long as they are both good with it (and they seem to be) why does it matter?

Also worth noting that all these shower together comments came from when they were living in the dorms, so it's been quite a few years since stuff like that has been mentioned as happening. But again, their boundaries together as probable boyfriends and their boundaries with the other members together are their own to decide what they are okay with. If they got used to a group culture of being comfortable in little clothing, that probably wouldn't change simply because 2 of the members started dating. 🤷🏻‍♀️

And not to bring AFTG into this, because it's fictional people and these are REAL people. But Still, lol if everyone around is comfortable, there is nothing wrong with various levels of "modesty" shown between friend groups.

Allison's "modesty pillow" didn't stay covering her lap for long clearly. Lol and no one else cared about them lounging around their dorm in their underwear. Her friends didn't care, her boyfriend didn't care. No ones boundaries were crossed (between the romantic partners or the platonic friend group) and that's all that matters. Just because you (general you) would not want to sit around so undressed around other people, doesn't mean that everyone else is the same way. I personally wouldn't want to hang out in my underwear, but that doesn't make people who do WRONG either.

Like for example, one boundary showed to us last year... only Jimin may touch JKs hickey, as the one who gave it to him. Lol so yes, they have them. We HAVE seen some displayed too. They just might be different than yours (general you), and that's okay.

I'm starting to get repetitive I think. Lol so I'm just going to stop here. I hope this makes sense at least a little bit and I hope it answered your question too. Thank you for the ask!

[mrpenguinpants]

Spider’s Thread [Reverse AU]

Possessive Red Xiao x Reader

Word Count: 2.5k

Commissioned for: @profoundwitchsalad

Art Credit: @ruoyeahs

Warning: Unhealthy relationships.

Prompt:

“You’ve ruined my life because I have a warped idea of what love is and I can’t live without you. But now you’re trying to leave me and I won’t allow that. You left me alive. You have a duty to live for me and by me. I’m not letting you go.”

---

Xiao Semi Series

[ Friendship ] [ Falling in Love ] [ Cuddles ] [ Protective ] [ Affection ] [ Jealously ] [ Opposites Attract ] [ String Of Fate (Soulmate) ] [ Fainting ]

Link to original posts:  [Red! Xiao.] [Reverse AU]

[Masterlist]

Alatus was once told a story by his Master. A sinner who falls into hell is rewarded for his only good deed, choosing not to kill a spider. As his reward, a thread is lowered down for him to climb out of Hell. In the end, the sinner remains in Hell because he kicks aside others and the thread breaks. Alatus doesn't remember why his Master told him this story but he still empathizes with the sinner. He would have done the same or asked for this 'saviour' to extend their hand down instead. That way he could pull them down.

"Xiao? Are you okay?"

He slowly opens his jade eyes to see you hunch over, peering down above him, eyebrows furrowed together in concern as you reach down and softly tap his temple. He allows you to take a moment to do whatever you want with his face before he reaches up to grasp at your wrist gently, holding back on his want to rub circles into your skin. His reminiscing can wait for now.

"What is it?" he asks curtly, sitting up and resting his elbow on his raised knee. You pout at his curt tone but shrug it off as you take a seat next to him and lean your shoulder against his. You dig into your bag and pull out slips of commission papers and hand it over to him to read through what needed to be done today. A few Hilichurl camps needed to be taken care of, sabotaging a slime balloon, all tasks that seem mundane to someone who fought in a war. As he's preoccupied, you take a moment to look at Xiao's face. He's just the slightest bit unnerved whenever you do this because you always seem to know what's bothering someone.

"Were you dreaming of her again?" you ask quietly. The silence is a good enough answer but you nod understandingly. You never knew his Master personally but you did fight a long strenuous battle against her. From one look you could tell she was a manipulative and cruel woman. While it may not be very kind to say, you were glad that with her passing, Xiao would be free from her physically. But mentally...there were still some things to work out. But Xiao was a very reclusive person, especially with his emotions, so pushing him any further would only make him irritated and closed off.

"Venti and Zhongli are joining our party for a bit if that’s alright. They'll help out a lot with our commissions and travelling. I like Liyue a lot but climbing mountains stresses my shoulders out," you laugh as you change the subject to something less depressing. Standing up as you dust your clothes off before turning to Xiao and holding your hand out for him to take. He stares at it hard for a few moments before huffing and reaching over to clasp your hands together.

It has been so frustratingly peaceful since the war ended. He's not used to it and he can still feel the lick of cutting winds and the heavy pressure of rocks against his body when he sees the bard and funeral parlor consultant just on the horizon. If it were up to him, he wouldn't play nice with these two Archons but they're important to you so he bites his tongue until he tastes blood. He knows the Archons do the same. As soon as the two of them spot you both, Venti is already rushing and tackling you to the ground in his excitement.

"Traveler! I haven't seen you in ages. You need to come and visit Mondstadt more," Venti cried into your shoulder as you awkwardly patted him on his back. Always with the dramatics but you cared about Venti all the same. Xiao scoffed before flicking his jade eyes to meet gold as Zhongli stared down at him cautiously. Since the war ended, everyone seemed to have this warped idea that Alatus had some vendetta against the Gods and Celestia but he was fighting because he was told to.

"Xiao. It's good to see you again," Zhongli said to him. Xiao just nodded in acknowledgement. Even with this new mortal form, Morax never bothered to change his eyes. His gaze alone held the weight of the mountains he had thrown. If Xiao hadn’t been under one of them before, he might have crumbled under the pressure.

"Alright alright, Venti. I promise I'll drop by sometime this month but we still have commissions to do!" you laugh as you haul the bard onto his feet and swat his cape down from the speckles of dirt. He grins cheekily at you, linking pinkies with you to seal your promise, before suddenly lighting up as if he just remembered something.

"Actually! Before we start anything, I need to speak to Mr. Zhongli and Xiao. Super important archon things, you know?" Venti nodded to himself as the two mentioned people stared at him with varying levels of confusion. But Venti just waved their worries off and linked his arms with both men as he dragged them off to a more secluded corner with a surprising amount of strength, “We’ll be right back!”

"Do what you need to do but don't take too long," you called after the trio as you trailed off to the side, messing with your bag of commission papers and gear. Xiao hated that. He knows that these two Archons are your...friends.. but shouldn't you be a bit more cautious? Just because they have mortal forms doesn’t make them human, it doesn’t make him human either.

"Hey, there's no need to look so scary. There really is something important I wanted to talk to the two of you about," Venti speaks up as soon as you're out of earshot. It still gives Xiao whiplash whenever he drops the persona and switches back to Barbatos. "Since Morax is the only Archon I trust with this information and, while I don't trust you one bit, you're the one that's with her all the time you should also know. She's ascending to Celestia."

Barbatos gauges both of their reactions. Morax seems visibly surprised, his eyes slightly widened a fraction, while Xiao has no idea what that means. His Master didn’t exactly give him a history lesson on Celestia or Archons, just pointed to who was his enemy and dealt punishments when he failed.

"And what the hell does that mean?" Xiao asks as he crosses his arms. Venti appears for a second as the bard pouts before continuing.

"It's like I said. A mortal who performs great, heroic feats can ascend to Celestia and achieve godhood. Where they will watch over their people from above. I've only seen this once before so it took me a while to recognize the signs. But 1000 years ago, I helped a woman named Vennessa with her ascension and with the traveler's recent actions with winning the war. Well, you don't need me to explain the rest," Barbatos finishes. Zhongli simply hums as he cups his chin and absorbs what's just been heard. He doesn’t seem troubled by the news at all.

"Have you told her about this?" Zhongli questions as he looks towards the direction that you left. Venti shakes his head. “That would mean that she would vanish from this world."

“I know she loves this world. Whether she wishes to ascend or not isn’t my choice but I want her to continue her travels with that beloved smile on her face. But if she does choose to ascend, she will need our help," Venti stares at the two of them in a mix of pride, sadness, and determination. "Can I count on you two for your help?"

It's a complete white noise in Xiao's ears as his surroundings fade out. He thinks he can see Zhongli nod to Venti wishes, the ever calm smile on his face to match the cheery grin on Venti’s. What, now you want to become a God? Leave this world behind? That’s not funny. You made him give up everything. While in your eyes, your blinded hero syndrome, you think you've liberated him from a soulless conquest but he still has nothing. You still took everything away from him and your only compensation was to have him by your side until he left himself. But now you want to leave without a warning? That’s not fair. You don’t get to take back what you owe. He won't allow you to leave him behind.

“Did something happen? Did Venti say something unnecessary again?” you ask out of the blue. Zhongli and Venti had returned to their respective regions once your commissions were all finished. Since the three of them disappeared to talk Archon business, Xiao had seemed even more tense and aloof than usual. As if he was out of it? You knew that everyone was still suspicious of Xiao and they were angsty to leave you alone with him, but you knew Xiao would never do anything to hurt you. When he doesn't answer, you slowly reach over and you subtly nudge his head up onto your lap and look at him curiously. Before reaching down and cupping his cheek. He leans into your touch before turning his face into your palm and leaving a soft kiss. It makes you giggle at the ticklish feeling as you look at him so softly. It annoys him.

"You were never connected to the war and yet you fought against us anyways. Even when I killed so many people, why did you choose to spare me?" he asked as you blinked at him before giving it some serious thought. He went on a rampage and almost destroyed the world. It was fun. He doesn't have any regrets at all because he hated humanity. His own Master was human after all. But then you appeared and stopped him. A random outsider that wanted to play the hero. He thought it was cute. Perhaps he had underestimated the lengths someone would go to to save the world they loved but when he fell defeated at your feet. He said that this wouldn't change a single thing. He would still scorn humanity and what they did to him. He was so sure he would die there but you chose to extend your hand down to him instead despite what your companions felt. Even when the war ended and he had nowhere else to go, you offered him to travel with you. Nothing changed about his mentality, every person that chose to talk to him was quickly scared away with piercing eyes. Every conversation started would end in silence. Every touch would be met by the tip of his spear. But you would link your hands together with his and smile brightly, and he would always end up forgetting his trauma for a moment. You’ve... become precious to him.

"I love this world and everyone in it. You are a part of that world even if you tried to destroy it. It...didn't seem fair to leave you behind when you've suffered just as much," you finish but it only seemed to spark a wave of deep anger inside of Xiao. He quickly lurched up, almost knocking your forehead with his, before grabbing the scruff of your shirt collar and yanking you forward.

"Cut it out with that "love of everything" crap. It's revolting. So you're saying the people I killed weren't worth avenging? Do you think I'm so weak that I need protection? It's one thing to try and please everyone but at least have some awareness would you?" he snarled as he pushed you to the ground. He knew he was being harsh on you and you had every right to walk out and abandon him but you didn't. Of course, you wouldn't. You needed him as much as he needed you. You just reached over and tenderly reached your hand and placed it next to his. Damn it, why is he always the one stuck worrying about you.

"Then you want to protect me, right? Then don't break your promise. You left me alive which means you have a duty to live for me," he takes your hand in his and squeezes hard. Digging his nails into your own until crescents appear and tiny specks of blood appear so you know he's serious. He doesn't care how you interpret his words, just so long as you never leave him.

"Don't die on me, Hero."

It's been a few hours since the conversation so it's pitch black outside but Xiao was never one to sleep. Even if he could, his mind is too loud to fall asleep too. He's startled when you melt against him fully asleep. Honey smooth as you curl up to his warmth and cling to him like moss to a rock. He can feel his cheeks start to flush as his heart begins to pound against his chest. He can't breathe as his world is filtered through each beat that drums against his ears. He's not sure if there's actually something wrong with him or if it's just been a while since someone got so close and his instincts haven't left.

He's just realized it. He's feeling pain. The feeling in his chest is black but he can't claw it away. It's strange in a way that he can't explain it, that he's never felt before, that he's never felt the need to experience. His life had been warped by battle and a constant push to submit to his Master. They are all things he knows but the gentle words that come from your mouth, the bright eyes that hold the world, the horrible ice-hot feeling inside of him is so foreign yet too easy. He doesn't like it.

It makes him feel...clean in a way. Enlightened perhaps? His Master is long gone and it's like you said. He's free now. Free to make his own decisions and live his life how he wants to. He carefully turns over so as to not startle you away as he really looks at you. You look so peaceful in his arms, eyelids shut without worry, face slack without nightmares, breathing so softly against him. If you weren't so close to him that he couldn't feel the rise of your chest, he wonders if he would think you were dead. He stares at the lock of hair swaying back and forth with each breath like a starved man. The strange feeling doesn't stop. He hates it. It's everything that goes against him and what he knows and everything he should want. He's supposed to be the villain in your story, he should kill you right now-

"Xiao..." he hears you mumble beside him as you lean further into his arm. Damn it. How low is he going to go?

“What are you thinking about now? You just need to think about me. Don’t think about anything else...but me” Xiao sighs before he wraps his arms around you and pulls you into him until you're snug against his chest. Close to him, where he can touch you, where you belong. Not with Morax or Barbatos. Not with humans but beside him. He closes his eyes and nuzzles his head into your hair and he stares off into the distance. The feeling never leaves him for the remainder of the night.

"Ah! There you are. I was running around crazy looking for you," he turns his hair to see your flushed form pulling yourself up onto the mountain cliff, "When I woke up I couldn’t find you anywhere! You gave me a scare there."

He hates you. He hates you.

Words of his previous master ring in his ears, almost as if her very soul is wrapping around him as she whispers in his ear how weak he is. Ones with power that refuse to take what they want because they rather live in the comfort of nothing. Be greedier, take what belongs to you.

"Xiao?" you say as his piercing eyes stare directly through you. His Master always told him that she loved him. Even if he hated her he still clung to that false love. Of being wanted. Isn't love for a single person vile? Would feeling such emotions for one person instead of "everyone" bring you down to reality? It's not fair that you've crawled your way into his heart while you walk along in bliss. Now that he thinks about it. It was so simple. He just needs to monopolize your thoughts and love. This time it won't be as friends.

"I love you."

He'll pull you down to where he is. You extended your hand down to hell so it's your fault. He'll drag you down kicking and screaming if he has to. You left him alive. You have to live for him and by him. He's not letting go.

Reblogged for extra notes

[taglist]  <- if you want to be added, please read this first.

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[s1rcus]

The Road to Love and Truth (Blackhill)

Rating: Teen and up

Words: 2827

Chapter: 2/2

Fandoms: Marvel

Characters: Natasha Romanoff, Maria Hill, Steve Rogers, Nick Fury

Additional tags: -

Summary: Maria struggles after her night with Natasha. She gets some good advice from Steve.

Authors note: Blackhill Bingo square I3 "Steve Rogers"

Story below the cut or in AO3 here

Maria still has a huge headache. She's been debating taking another aspirin to ease it down for the past 10 minutes, but it hasn't been too long since she took the first one and it might just not be working yet. The situation with Romanoff might not be helping either.

Without thinking she's making her way towards Phil's office. She's not sure why, she knows she won't talk about something like this to him. He's a good friend but she just can't talk about her sex life with him, less about feelings. Maybe he'll have some work she can do to distract her from the night before. She can't use her key card on a day off, (Fury has made it very clear she's not supposed to be doing work during any type of leave) so she can't go to her own office to continue work.

Phil isn't in his office. Now that she actually thinks about it, he has been on a mission since yesterday. She still needs something to distract her though. Maybe Fury would let it slide this once if she'd go do work, but she'd rather not see him right now. She decides to just go for a walk. Hopefully that'll clear her head a little.

------

The fresh air does help her headache and clears her head just the tiniest bit as well. She stands outside of the Triskelion for a short time and decides to go for a short walk along the river.

She keeps her eyes mostly on the water as she walks hands in the pockets of her sweats. She probably should've changed if she's honest, but she didn't want to go back to her room. SHIELD agents weren't that rare sight around these parts, but they definitely didn't go out in their gym clothes. She kicks around some pebbles every once in a while that are lying around the sidewalk.

She loses track of time, trying to just focus on nothing but the movement of the water. And she might have let her guard down, because she gets startled, when a hand taps her on the shoulder.

"Maria, what are you doing out here?"

"Jesus, Steve. Warn a girl next time."

"I literally yelled your name when I saw you. You're not usually this distracted. Are you okay?"

There's concern on his face and Maria doesn't like it one bit. She's fine, and even if she wasn't, everyone else needs to think she is.

"Everything's fine," she lies.

Steve gives her a long look, not quite believing her.

"You can always talk to me, you know? Whatever it is that's bothering you, I'll listen."

Damn Steve, and his kind heart.

"I know," she says.

"Okay, well I'm gonna finish my run. Come and find me if you want to talk about whatever this is," he says as he runs past her.

Maria just waves him off. She continues along the river for a while longer until her headache becomes worse again. Deciding it's best to just go back and take another aspirin, she turns around and heads towards the Triskelion again.

------

Eventually Maria realises she needs to talk to someone so she heads towards Steve's quarters and knocks on his door. He opens the door with a smile. They're good friends but it's quite rare she actually ends up on his doorstep.

"Hey, Maria. What's up?"

"I slept with Natasha," she answers as she pushes past him into his room. She sits on his bed, head in her hands. She hears the door click shut as Steve closes it.

"Not what I was expecting. How are you feeling?"

Maria groans at the question, "I don't know. I find out she's queer and few days later I find her in my bed. That's not how that should go. And worst of all I want to do it again, but I don't think I can just keep it at that."

"So you want to ask her out?"

"I think so?" She says and lays down on the bed so she can stare at the ceiling. "But I'm her superior, it's unprofessional, not to mention way too complicated. How am I supposed to be able to send her out there, if I'm worried if she'll make it back? How is Fury supposed to trust in me, if I get compromised because of her? Or what if I make the wrong decision, because I can't--" Steve cuts her off. She feels the bed dip, as he sits next to her on the bed and places a hand on her knee.

"Maria, you're forgetting one important thing, she's the Black Widow, she knows how to handle herself. Do you know how many times she's saved me out there? Because I've lost count by now. And Fury won't see you any differently if you start showing normal people emotions. Also stop worrying about 'what if's. Those are situations you can't know the answers for before it's too late. And for the record, I think you're already compromised. You care more about her than you know. Have for a long time."

"Fuck", Maria breaths the word out.

"Language."

"No, I actually fucked up."

"What did you do?"

"I just left her. She wanted to talk, and I just left her. I wasn't thinking clearly. I told her it was a mistake. Well it technically was because that was definitely not how I wanted that to go, but… I let her believe I don't want her. Shit!" She gets up quickly and starts pacing around. "I gotta go find her. Tell her that I'm sorry for how I treated her. That last night was great. Not that I really remember anything. To hopefully ask her properly out." She freezes on her tracks and turns to face Steve. "What if she says no? How am I supposed to continue working with her then?"

"Maria", Steve warns her.

"Right, won't know the answers before it's too late." She takes a deep breath. "Okay, I'm gonna go to find her. I wonder where she could be."

"At the gym with Barton."

"How would you know that?"

"Just a hunch."

------

She does find Natasha at the gym. She's beating up Barton at the mats. Maria decides to just stay by the door and watch, she'll notice her eventually. Natasha seems more tense than normal, maybe even a little angry. She doesn't move around as smoothly as she usually does. Her movements are a little more jacked, more forced. Maria realises that she's not fighting with a clear head. She's trying to push her feelings out. Maria was the reason the Widow's usually flawlessly smooth fighting style looked harsh and broken. It makes her heart twinge.

Eventually Natasha pins Barton down and he taps out. She gets up and her gaze shifts to Maria's. Maria physically flinches under her gaze. She quickly straightens her back and neutralises her face, when Barton gets back onto his feet and notices her presence.

"Commander," he coughs, eyes moving from Maria to Natasha and back again. After a couple of beats of silence he starts backing towards the men's locker room. "I'll just go then."

Maria just looks at Natasha, not really sure what she's supposed to say. Before she's able to say anything, Natasha turns on her heels and heads towards the women's locker rooms. That gets Maria on the move as well. She runs after Natasha and grabs her from the upper arm.

"Natasha wait," Maria says and Natasha stops on her tracks. "I'm sorry about earlier. Can we talk?"

Natasha turns around and Maria tries to look as apologetic as she can. Natasha just stares at her for a while.

"Fine. My quarters in 10."

Maria nods and drops her hold of the other woman. She didn't even realise she had still been holding her upper arm. Natasha eyes her quickly once more before she turns around again and heads out of sight to the locker room. Maria just stands still for a while, looking after her, until she spins around as well and heads out of the gym and towards Natasha's quarters.

------

Natasha is punctual as ever, and appears exactly 10 minutes later. Maria follows her silently into her room. Natasha sits down on her bed, one leg under herself while the other hangs off the edge. Maria is reminded of the morning. She stays standing near the door, but is faced towards Natasha. She's trying to figure out her words, even though she's been trying to figure out what to say ever since she walked out of Steve's quarters.

"Well?" Natasha prompts her.

"I fucked up. I'm really sorry for how I treated you. I panicked and I fucked up. I try my best to keep my private life and work separate, and I mostly live at work so… I'm having a hard time, to put it lightly. I also have never done this before."

"What? Been with a woman?" Natasha asks with a serious tone. It takes Maria a beat to realise she's not actually seriously asking that.

"No, Romanoff. You know that's not what I meant. I mean sleeping with a co-worker. Actually kinda never slept with anyone without being on a date first. And especially never had someone in my bed in a SHIELD facility."

"So I was your first one night stand?"

"About that, I wouldn't mind doing it again."

"Was I that good?" Natasha asks with a smirk.

"Natasha! I'm not talking about the sex. I'm talking about all of it. Everything since the mission. Spending time together at that bar and during the mission and also everything that came after."

"Wow. Is Commander Hill getting soft?"

"No,” she says. Taking a breath she continues, “I'd just like to see if this could become something. You're one of the few people around here who I can stand, and I actually had a really nice time yesterday. And I'm not regretting what happened after, so that probably says a lot."

Natasha gives her a small smile.

"What changed?"

"What do you mean?"

"You left the room in such a hurry and now you're here saying you don't regret it."

"Yeah, that. I might've talked to Steve and he had some good advice."

"You went to Steve?" Natasha's voice sounds almost scandalous.

"Who else would I go to? Fury? Do you think I have many friends around here? People who I could talk to?"

"Fair enough."

"So, if I'd ask you out on a date what would you say?"

"I would love to, but do you really want to go on a date? Because I feel like we're not the dating kind of people."

That was actually fair, she did always hate going on dates.

"What do you suggest then?"

"How about this?" Maria is really unsure about how she should feel about the smirk that follows that one simple question.

Natasha gets up and walks towards Maria. She stops when their chests are basically touching. She grabs Maria's hands and wraps them around her waist. Then she wraps her own arms around Maria's neck and rises up on her toes to kiss her. Maria basically melts into it. Eventually she lifts Natasha up and they move on the bed. Natasha seems very impressed that Maria can lift her. Maria might be a bit hurt about that.

------

When they decide to leave for an early lunch (neither remembered to eat breakfast), they're barely 100 feet down the hallway from Natasha's room, when they're stopped by a junior agent.

"Commander, Agent Romanoff. Director Fury wants to speak to both of you."

Maria and Natasha exchange a look.

"Did he say what about?" Maria asks.

"Not really," the Agent answers but there's a look on his face Maria doesn't like. It's like he knows something he shouldn't.

Maria debates for a little bit, if she should push and get some answers from him but decides against it. She dismisses the agent and starts heading towards the Directors office with Natasha.

They get a couple weird looks and smiles on the way there. They walk the whole way in silence. Both clearly trying to figure out what Fury wants from them.

Fury sees them immediately, which tells Maria that it's something important. She's getting nervous. Natasha is here as well, so her mind goes only to a specific direction, but how would Fury know?

"Director Fury, you wanted to see us?" Maria greets him.

"Hill, Romanoff. Has either of you checked the news today or any social media?"

Natasha shakes her head. She's been awfully quiet after they ran into that agent.

"No, sir. I haven't checked my phone at all today. Pretty sure it's dead anyway. I've been a bit distracted," Maria answers truthfully. There's no point in lying.

"Well, you probably should stay out of social media for a little while but that's just a suggestion. Do you have anything else to report to me?" His eye shifts from Maria to Natasha and back.

He knows. Maria takes a deep breath. She feels Natasha's hand touch hers, a sign that it's okay.

"Yes, sir. We, uh... Natasha and I are involved."

"Will it be affecting your work?"

"No, sir."

"Then I'm happy for you," he says with the slightest hint of a smile.

Maria is surprised and she can sense that so is Natasha. She lets her posture get a little more relaxed.

"Now to the real reason I invited you in," Fury says as he pulls some tabloid articles up on the screen behind himself. They're all saying basically the same thing: Black Widow at a gay bar with a mystery woman . Some of them have clearly done a better job with trying to figure out who this "mystery woman" is because a couple of them have actual pictures of Maria along with her name. And there's pictures. Pictures of them kissing, the intense looks they changed during that night and pictures of them leaving together.

"We tried to get them down before they spread too far, but clearly we didn't manage that. Anything about the Avengers' personal life spreads like a fire. I'm sorry about the situation it puts you in."

Both of the women just nod. There wasn't anything to say. Fury takes this as his answer and turns off the screen.

"Well then, you're dismissed. Hill, if you could stay for just a little longer?"

Natasha squeezes her shoulder a little before she steps out of the room.

"Sir?"

"No reason to be that formal anymore. This is just me checking on you. How are you feeling?"

"Well, that's a lot, but I think I'm fine. It's not the way I wanted things to go, but I guess it's good that it's out. If we wish to go out, now we don't need to worry if someone sees us or not."

"Okay, still I wish the situation wasn't this. I strongly suggest that you don't check any social media for the next few days. I know you think you can handle it, but there's gonna be some bad stuff there and I'd prefer the dust settles a bit first. Also if anyone, and I mean anyone, in SHIELD gives either of you a hard time because of this, let me know. I will handle it. It's out there, so everyone knows. I wish you could've handled this on your own terms, but the situation is what it is."

Maria smiles at him.

"Thank you, Director. I know I said it won't affect my work, and I truly believe and hope so, but if it ever seems like I'm putting her before the mission; pull me out of it, if possible. I know I won't be happy about it, but I need to know that I won't be making mistakes because I'm compromised."

"Of course. But I have full belief that you'll do great even then."

Maria nods and heads towards the door but Fury's voice makes her turn around before she gets to open it.

"Also, before you go. I am truly happy for you, Maria."

Maria smiles at him and nods her thanks and joins Natasha on the other side of the door.

Natasha hugs her as she closes the door. Maria circles her arms around her and presses her cheek against Natasha's head.

"That went better than I expected." She hears Natasha mumble against her chest.

"It did," Maria agrees.

"I'm so sorry about the articles though. If I would've just realised--" Maria quiets her with a kiss.

"Natasha, there's nothing you could've done about it. The second we walked in there everyone was paying extra attention to us. Those articles would be there even if we hadn't kissed. I'm just glad we did. I don't think I would've ever dared to take this step otherwise," Maria says. She looks Natasha in the eye and they exchange smiles. "Now, how about that lunch?"

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

19 - Clean Canvas

This chapters songs:

Here She Comes; Slowdive

Dog Cuddles; Dad Sports

Dream Girl; Crisaunt

- Y. L. Perspective

I tapped my chin with the pen, frustrated that you weren't able to come up with anything. "Ah! Koshi, that hurt!" I yell at him as he softens his hands upon my shoulders. He was giving me a gentle back massage while I tried writing my first lyrics, but I was struggling to find the right words to say.

"Sorry!" He then stops squeezing my shoulders, letting his hands slide down my torso, and pull me into a hug from behind. His head nuzzled into my neck as he spoke. "What is the song about?"

I shrug. "I don't even know yet. Maybe I should just write about how much of an untalented and wasteful girl I am!" I scoff, rolling my eyes back. Now, out of all moments, my feelings decide to disappear.

Both Koshi and I say criss-cross on his bed with one single lamp on in his room. His room was not at all what I was expecting. I'd perceived it to be much messier in my head, the way an average teenage boys' room would be. But no! It was spotless and quite basic. Still, I felt very comfortable in his arms as I attempted to write down some ideas. Feeling his heartbeat on my back was enough to make me feel at home.

"Why don't you write about us, Y/n?" He asks me as he pulls me back and forth in a sway motion. The suggestion had already popped into my mind before. But if I could write about it, what would I say? How I'm in love with someone who won't tie the knot between us?

'What am I doing at his house if he's not even my boyfriend? I've got to gain some self-respect.'

Perhaps bringing it up wouldn't be as bad as I thought. So, I pull myself away from his arms and sit in front of him, fully staring at his confused face.

"What is it?" His fair voice questions, one of his fingers attempting to fiddle with my oversized t-shirt.

There was so much to say. Why arent you my boyfriend yet? Why won't you tell me what's on your mind for once? Aren't you excited about the training camp? But I decide to pick the first question. "Koshi, what's there to write about? I...I know that we both like each other very much, but what does it matter if you won't call me your girlfriend?" I look down at the grey shorts I wore, afraid that he would be disappointed in me for wanting more from him.

"I didn't know you felt that way. I guess...I guess I just wanted you to feel comfortable around me, not forced to be with me," Koshi mutters under his breath, ashamed he underestimated my love for him.

"Well of course I want to be with you!" I exclaim, leaning my head onto his chest. It worries me that he felt insecure about his love. It wasn't as if he could be giving me too much affection. So why didn't he trust that I loved him?

I sigh while he rubs my back in a circular motion, wishing he would tell me things that bothered him like this. "So you wouldn't mind being my girlfriend, Y/n?" The man's words are clear to me when he said them, not lagged like all the other times.

I nod my head. "Of course not."

"Hm, okay. Then for our first memory of being a couple, I wanna hold you," Koshi says, laying us both down onto his mattress. He leans over me, stretching to grab one of the blankets on his shelf, and unfolding it over us.

"But it's so cold. Why don't we just go under your comforter?" I ask him, pulling slightly at the corner of the thick bed sheet. But he denies my request and pulls my wrist back.

He says, "Uh-Uh-Uh! I prefer it to be cold. When we go to your house, we can use the comforter. If you're that cold then you're gonna have to hug me tighter."

I'm surprised at how stubborn Koshi was being with me but glad he was becoming more comfortable with sharing his opinion. He treated me like a princess most of the time instead of asking for what he really wants. Even if it was just the matter of a blanket.

"Do you wanna help me try and think of something to write about?" I ask him in the most delicate voice.

"What's something that saddens you, Y/n? Something that you're worried will cause you despair towards the future?" Koshi asks me. I genuinely hadn't thought about it yet. "Love is more than just feelings. I think it comes with a lot of pain. Has there ever been any pain that you've encountered during being in love?"

"Not really." My words couldn't be more honest. With Toruku, I felt sick that I had a crush on my best friend's boyfriend. And when she passed, those feelings for him weren't nearly as strong as the ones I felt about her death. As for Koshi, I've only been scared of the pain. But I hadn't endured it yet. At least that was what I thought. Truth is that every lasting second I spent with him could only cause me more and more pain in the future. "Maybe when I find what to write about, I shouldn't tell you. I should let you figure it out when I'm done with it."

"Planning something behind my back?! How evil of you." Koshi jokes, leaning on one of his elbows to hold himself up as he looked at me. With the pale moonlight shining down on him and the lamp lighting the room up slightly, he looked more beautiful than ever. I was glad that I was the one to be able I witness such an ethereal moment with him. Especially since he held me in a special place. I was his first love, after all. That's more important than any relationship he could have had with previous girls.

Attempting to obtain reassurance, I grow curious and begin to play with my new boyfriend, asking small questions. "So...what does it feel like to have sex with a girl, Kou? I've never done that before... do they smell nice? Are they soft?" It was obvious that I'd caught him off guard, for he stuttered and looked at me strangely. "I promise I won't get jealous if you tell me. I only want to know what it's like. It may help me with writing if you tell me about passionate moments like that."

Given that I'd never done anything that was borderline sexual with anyone else, I was curious about how it felt. Both physically and mentally.

"Uhm—stressful. And I haven't done it as much as you might think, so I haven't ever enjoyed it." It comes to me as a shock that he didn't have a slightly good experience that he could tell me about.

"Wh-really?! But...I thought all guys liked it! You're saying it didn't even feel good?" I waft my hand into the cold air, confused.

"No, silly. Of course it felt good, but it wasn't as passionate as you think. I wasn't ever in love with any of those girls, so it only made me feel worse. Sex isn't good for those who aren't ready for it," he explains to me.

I nod, understanding a bit more of what he meant. "Does that mean you weren't ready?"

"Mhm. I wasn't," he says. Deciding to switch up the question, he asks me, "So, what is it like to have sex with a guy? I bet they aren't very good-smelling, are they?"

I blink a few times. "Uhm, I dunno," I say, growing shy at the question. "I haven't ever...you know...had sex."

Too scared to look at Koshi, I stuff my head into a pillow and sigh obnoxiously. Though I knew he wouldn't make that much of a big deal out of it, I didn't want him thinking I was a prude. A lot of people that knew I was a virgin made fun of me for it. Truth was, I'd never found someone worthy of taking my virginity. Many told me that it was horrible for your mental health, especially for younger people like me. Not to mention how scared I was that whoever took my virginity would be rough with me and it would hurt like hell.

"Hey, hey...don't get all embarrassed on me. A lot of people haven't. That's nothing to be ashamed about. Being a virgin doesn't make you any less of a woman. If it were up to me, I'd go back and stay a virgin until the right time," Koshi states. His attempts to cheer me up were sweet, but not working all that much.

"What do you think, Kou? Do you like me better that way? You know, as a virgin?" I ask him, slightly peeking up at his lost expression.

Yes, it was something very awkward to ask. But I did want to know what he preferred. Not that I would be able to change last second if he didn't like me as I was.

"Th—that isn't something I have power over, so I don't think about it. But...you could say I prefer it."

I'm happy with his answer. Still, I was curious about the reason, so I ask, "and why is that?"

"Well...um...I'm not too sure. Not to jump to any conclusions, but think it's because...if you weren't a virgin, then our first time together wouldn't be as memorable. It's sure is selfish of me to say, but I would rather you remember me as someone who shared that moment with you. That's why I wish I would have waited until I met you," Koshi began to grow flustered towards the end of his explanation.

"And if you wanna put it into a metaphor then you could say that being a virgin is like being a blank canvas. You can only hope that someone will make something lovely of you by the time they're finished."

I haven't ever heard someone describe being a virgin in such a beautiful way. And he was right— the first time is always something you remember. That is if it's enjoyable for you. I could only hope that I would lose my virginity to someone as gentle as him.

"Then when the time comes, could you please be that person, Koshi?" I spoke, laying a hand on his chest. My nervous nature was far too obvious for me to hide. But thankfully, Koshi didn't mind it. He knew asking something like that took courage. Such profound questions weren't something to joke about.

My heart race died down when I hear him tell me, "Of course, love."

Koshi quickly gets up to turn off the lamp and I make myself more comfortable under the thin blankets and many pillows he had on his bed. When he comes back, he wraps his arms around my waist and holds me close near him.

It was no wonder that he didn't like to talk about his previous experiences with girls. He hadn't enjoyed them. But I was sure of it: and day, I'll make it up to Koshi.

"Goodnight, love. Maybe tomorrow you'll come up with something to write about, hm?"

"Yeah, goodnight." With one last kiss on the cheek, Koshi and I doze off to sleep.

-

Hey everyone!! Just so you know, I have a special playlist on my Spotify that I made just for this fanfiction. I always add the songs that I include in the chapters, so please go check that out in case you'd like to listen while reading!!

I love you always!! Thank you for reading I do appreciate it <3 make sure to take care of yourself

AND PLS VOTE >:(

- estrxlar