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#don't mind me ranting in the tags
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So, this is the first time I post art on here because I’ve always been kinda  scared of making fanarts, but you deserve it<3 
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bbnibini · 8 months
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I find it so painfully heartbreaking that Solomon just...laughs off all the derision, the name-calling, and possibly even did "evil" things on purpose because it's expected of him at this point. (He had not always been like this as Thirteen pointed out before). There was a time when he was "innocent". When his soul sparkled. When it resembled the kind of soul everyone in these god forsaken (pun intended with spite) three realms seemed to associate with the ever loved MC. He's just...worryingly carefree. And because he's like that, he feels even more of a tragic character to me.
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Sometimes it even seems that he himself would seemingly make up excuses on why he's hated. Oh, it's because I'm a sorcerer this. I might have won a war against Devildom single-handedly this. I have forgotten. But maybe, I did something bad, that. Hon, you were doing that to SURVIVE. You don't have to be a faultless person to deserve compassion. You don't have to be MC to deserve to be loved.
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time-wondroustime · 1 month
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one thing I haven't seen anyone say about watcher yet, but has really disappointed me, is that only three months ago they mentioned in the truth about filming ghost files video that they had to let go of 5 (if I'm remembering the number properly) employees. and when I watched that video I was disappointed that hey hadn't planned the business properly to avoid things like that, but they are primarily creatives, so I figured there would be some business mistakes made along the way. but then hearing they just hired the 2 worth it guys and are reviving an expensive show... I feel like they could've prevented the lay offs better
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wrathful-reptile · 9 months
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Some dragons I've drawn recently! (in order of drawing them, left to right) They are Lazarus, Hurim, Zahara, and Cloud Chaser!
These dragons are from the discontinued interactive novel/game series "Riders of Abauruth" by @13leaguestories
Click the images for better quality!
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emelinstriker · 8 months
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About those 3 Anon messages recently...
Yes, there's 3 now. Third on came up while I was finishing typing about the 2nd one.
tl;dr context: peeps defending a fictional 2D lego character, questioning the morality of esau (despite the lack of lore context), as well as for some reason a personal attack on me... also smol chinese jesus??? :'D
DISCLAIMER:
I respect y'all's opinions and headcanons and whatnot. It's all valid. However. I expect respect on my own opinions and headcanons return. That's literally all I'm asking.
That's common sense and I will from this point on just delete anyone else's anon asks if they try to argue with me about my standings on these matters mentioned in here. Or this post in general.
There's literally no point in arguing over words written in a story, or debating whether or not pixels on a screen are hot or not.
With that disclaimer being said...
Case 1:
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I'm fully aware of the entire discussion thing of Nezha being eternally 12 and all that, but I'm also fully aware of how LMK Nezha is more of a parody on the original. LMK Nezha is more of an adult 2D character who took the characteristics of the source, but then was turned into an aged-up parody.
It's not weird with the context of how things even came to be in the AU. It does involve a form of "infection" that changes those that are infected. In ESAU it's just slightly different from my original story's OCs to appeal more to the Reader. There are people out there who seek comfort in their own superiority complex too, especially if they can never explore that part of themselves normally. If that doesn't appeal to you, that's fine. But don't assume it's weird just because you don't like it if a fictional master/servant relationship isn't for you.
Now, this ask wasn't really bad or directly disrespectful. That was just basic questioning on the general relationship of the AU as well as the LMK Nezha being 12 discussion. So I went to bed, cuz I didn't wanna respond with my rather aggressive response to the topic. Like, I ranted about it to my Discord server, but it was already around midnight and I knew I'd come off as aggressive, despite the logic and facts, if I just copy n pasted the way I phrased the rant. So I went to bed. But then I woke up to an essay in another ask...
Case 2:
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I'm assuming this is the exact same person, based on the timeframe and the writing style..? Maybe even the same person who asked that question about whether I'd make Nezha's relationship towards the Reader romantic or platonic..??
For the sake of this entire thing being unworthy of an unnecessary discussion, as well as the fact that the person sending this isn't worth directly responding to if they hide behind an anon face, knowing they would get flamed, I will solely respond to these for my actual viewers, who do enjoy ESAU.
As in, I noticed how almost every single point is easily arguable. Like, they literally just made it up as if every single relationship between the Reader and their champions is romantic. Which couldn't be further from the truth. This is a point I wanna get more into due to how it covers the Master System more. A random anon sending me questions, or rather statements, like this doesn't deserve to get a detailed response to this directly either. My viewers do deserve more insight though. Be it to avoid more people thinking this is automatically grooming, or just to give interested people more lore dump.
To keep it short: Everyone who wants to be a Reader, is a Reader. I myself am a Reader of fiction, which is why I use my persona to fill in the Reader's space in any drawing I do for ESAU. Which is also why Macaque referred to their Master currently being female in that one drawing- Because in that moment, in my drawings, I'm technically seen as their Master.
So when you see the champions swap between their Master using non-binary or female pronouns, this is why. If you see me draw them referring to their Master as a "she", they're referring to basically their current Master in that exact moment. However, literally anyone else can also be placed in that spot.
Whenever I refer to a Reader's reincarnation, I usually mean either "the same person, but another life" OR "different people of the same/a different life". As in, the Reader can imagine themselves having had multiple past lives, or their "past life" is actually another Reader. We're all the Reader. That's why I kept saying the Master System is rather philosophical.
The Reader can imagine themselves if they met their champions as a child or as an adult. However, nothing in ESAU is forced to be romantic or sexual. If you were born as a prince/princess/royalty, that doesn't mean your servants are immediately destined to be romantic or sexual with you, right? That entire portion is up to the Reader to decide and imagine. I do not control what another person thinks of and imagines. If they chose to pick a darker path, the fuck do you want me to do about that? Unless it ends up hurting anyone, or they actively push the topic onto others, I see no issue with however a Reader wants to think up what happens in their life with their servants. All I do is create material for others to play with.
Except for the First Master, any other Reader can be considered either the same person or various people. That's up to the person behind the screen, whether they feel more comforted with one idea or another.
On the Nezha being 12 topic... Do people know what a parody is, I-
LMK Nezha looks more like THIS-
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Not as young as THIS-
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And he was never said to be 12 years old in LMK. Nor does he look 12, act 12, speak 12, sound 12... LMK needs to be seen and accepted as more like a parody AU of the original story, if that wasn't obvious enough. I find it funny how they brought up my own age though-
Cuz yeah, I'm 21, almost 22, and I do understand the difference between reality's religions, fictional 2D pixels, and the difference between the source and a parody. Wow. Shocker. I know.
Or as I said it in tags earlier today-
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Also I'd just like to add… If we go by the theory of specifically LMK Nezha still being 12, despite literally thousands of years having passed, his body being depicted as a fully grown adult in basically every single goddamn aspect of his character within the show… Literally all he got is his paperwork saying he's 12. Like- LMK Nezha would literally just be one of those people that were born on February 29th. Just him not getting any birthdays. Do you assume after literal thousands of years, with his body and mind being mature, and only his paperwork saying he's 12, this dude wouldn't be tryna explore more of himself and his interests, wh-
Like- LMK Nezha isn't the original source Nezha. Simple as that. Just accept it's a parody and be done with it. If you don't agree with it, that's your opinion and I respect that. But don't you dare fucking push that opinion on others who do actually accept the show as a parody and wanna live out their fantasies in said parody.
Your opinion does not mean it's the opinion of others.
Like, the entire age thing in LMK is such a headcanon thing to the point where no one seems to have a solid age, besides maybe MK, who I've seen people calculate his age for due to his driving license and all that. LMK Nezha is confirmed to be depicted as an adult within the show, which is the headcanon I'm going with, regardless of whatever bullshittery people are trying to argue with.
In conclusion: Nezha may be eternally 12 in a story. But that story is NOT Lego Monkie Kid.
On a side note, something I found ironic and funny, is if an aged up character isn't allowed to be sexualized, then I guess if someone ages a character down, suddenly that original source of the character is no longer allowed to be sexualized either, just because that character suddenly has a younger version of themselves. It's not even the younger version that's being sexualized. That literally is the entire logic of this debate on not wanting a fictional character to have an aged up version of themselves.
Good job, nobody wins. I guess nothing can be sexualized at that point- But then again, Rule 34 wouldn't exist then.
Okay, but now this, THIS is where I got REALLY annoyed, cuz NOW we're getting into more personal territory of nitpicking at ESAU. And those who know me are aware of how I go Asian mom mode when my creations, or younger friends and mutuals, are being wrongfully disrespected.
In general, their entire point is a snowflake-behavior nitpick. Branding is also seen as a way to claim ownership over something. The torture part is basically just the pain of it. I could've also just have the champions have one of those toy stamps for lil children be slapped onto them if you really wanna snowflake it all for tHe PrEcIoUs cHilDrEn...
C'mon. I grew up with FNAF and Creepypastas. Which tend to be usually two of the first fandoms I see children get interested in and hyperfixated on. Mentions of brandmarks that have fully healed ain't nothin' at all.
Like, I literally met a boy who was 8ish years old, who was so happy and hyped about FNAF that he asked me to draw Freddy and Bonnie.
Creepypastas also might make one edgy for a while, but they do grow A LOT from it once they leave that phase. So far, everyone I've ever talked to about Creepypastas in the past became such a good person. Because they look back, and recognize morals so much better. They have seen what bad things can happen and we all know where to draw the line between what's fine, and what's not. Nitpicking on LMK Nezha and ESAU doesn't mean anything since it's just that, nitpicking. I know where to draw the line, but this line these people set is a line no one but themselves can imagine.
Show children bits of reality's darker side and they will know how to deal with the knowledge much better and faster as they grow. That wasn't even just about branding, but I'm tired of people saying how we need to keep children safe. Well yeah, keep them safe physically, but they will never fucking grow and become more independent unless you fucking let them think and process the good AND the bad for themselves.
Also on the topic of adding content warnings- Like, the fuck do you want me to even add? Those asks other people sent of the Reader being basically raised by their servants need no warnings, X Readers in general need no warnings, the brandmarks need no warnings cuz they're just there as aesthetic symbols for anyone not invested in the lore, LMK Nezha needs no content warnings-
Literally the only content warning I'd ever need to add is something like gore, which I do admit I didn't add on the ESAU!Nezha X Reader one.
And I'd just like to add a little something that made me raise an eyebrow: They complained about me going against "Wukong's celibacy vows" when they literally admitted to actively looking through the LMK X Reader tag. While that doesn't necessarily mean they would marry or bang Wukong, that means they're at least curious or interested in what a relationship with any of those characters would be like. Which by all means, would not be possible without it being fiction/fanfiction, and without them having some curiosity or interest in the 2D show of LMK.
Like you're literally telling me I'm practically hurting a fictional character's feelings on the matter, but then turn around and try to get with another character.
Fanfiction and AU's are a thing, man. It's all opinions, headcanons, and literally made up shenanigans. And there's nothing wrong with it when it differs from one person to another.
But dumping empty accusations onto me, someone who thinks more logically than emotionally, literally doesn't help your case. Like, you're debating whether or not this 2D character would actually give a shit if someone would wanna bang them cuz they look hot to the other person.
Case 3:
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This one just got dropped into my inbox as I finished typing out the last paragraph and just- This is literally just a unnecessary and only somewhat personal hatred thing at this point- But I'm wheezing at the idea of a smol Chinese Jesus-
Bro, as someone who was forced to be Christian on paper, but never gave a shit about it, because Religion doesn't prove anything or form you, I really don't care. And even if that were the case, I wouldn't complain. It's all fiction dammit. You're again, defending pixels on a screen. Besides that, that wouldn't even be the original source character, again. Also in general, honestly, I see any religious story as fiction anyway. Cuz that literally is what a religion is- You put a belief onto someone over a being/a story-
If you're religious, I respect that. But so do you have to respect that I'm not exactly religious myself.
Case 3 was probably the most directly aggressive one of the 3, but also the most unmeaningful one and so unnecessary one... as if that would be the one to prove a point.
Anyway, rant over, I'm done with this.
If I see any other personal hate on me for not sharing the same fucking opinion on such a niche debate, I'll just ignore and delete it all. This is such a pointless topic.
ESAU is supposed to be a comfort zone for those who actually do feel connected to it. If you don't, that's fine, I fully respect it. If people believe Nezha is 12, I respect that. But don't push that onto those who literally are just here to have a nice time away from shit like this. If you wanna "keep the children safe", fucking keep them away from this sort of nowhere-leading discussion topic.
Literally look at Genshin's Twitter Community, this just feels like the exact same type of unnecessary drama I see there.
And no I will not tag these 3 anons. If they respect me enough, they will either just keep quiet or block me and move on. I don't mind. But I refuse to let this bullshit be a whole ass discussion when I'm just trying to have a good time connecting to my viewers after a long day at work. If they look for a fight for some reason, I won't give them one. They can pick someone else for this bullshit, it's not worth my time as it's all OPINION AND HEADCANON-BASED.
And such debates don't end in peace. So I'd rather be the bigger, more mature person and just say "This is the line. Discussion over. We're done here".
Have a nice day, anyone who actually is nice and respectful towards others and their own takes/opinions on things! Weekend's here now tho so y'all ESAU lovers might see some wholesome lil doodles! :D
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moviesstoriesandbooks · 10 months
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To people who don't know what happened :
Basically another chat got leaked between what seems to be Build and someone else , where he's seen asking for money multiple times , and cursing people who exposed his old problematic tweets on twitter , being homophobic (as a joke 🙁) and other things among many.
As any sane person would think , i also had doubts about the authenticity of the texts and all , but then everyone basically unfollowed him on Instagram and build also tweeted an apology.
Apology confirms that those are genuine right??
He genuinely badmouthed his costars who were there working their asses off for a show that got cancelled once and had to begin production again.
Like , he does not seem like a good coworker , all things considered. And he's so much trouble to the company as a whole , which has pretty ungrateful fans following it's artists.
(idk some tweets just make me go , it's a tough industry . They're atleast still getting work from a show that's been done airing for a year and with no hope of season 2 . They can't create work , but they're still doing very well for a smallass company)
I initially read his fans' responses which were along the lines of "if your texts with your bestie leaks then will you be safe?"
And although that's a very .... Erm ... creative way to view things , I don't think that's barely enough here.
He was badmouthing basically apo , jeff and barcode, and nodt and mile(?) I'm unclear on the details. I get that you may be angry at your coworkers , there may be squabbles but that's not what this was about?? Jeffbarcode were accused of being boc's favourites (??????) and had more pictures taken than everyone else(??????????????) They had like 15 mins of screentime. What is this man on about?
I just straight up don't trust this man anymore.
I don't care about his story. He's so much trouble than he's worth and every day there's something up with him.
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crabussy · 1 year
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I want to take a bite out of someone's arm but I'm too shy
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ndostairlyrium · 2 months
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Shuffle your favorite playlist and post the first five songs that come up. Then copy/paste this top ask your favorite mutuals. 💛
Tagged by @greypetrel <3 Thank you so much dear!! Hopefully the playlist I've chosen gets me diverse genres °-°''
"Unbroken (Hotel Baby)" by Monster Magnet
"Breaking Me Down" by Soil
"A Secret Place (2004 remastered)" by Megadeth
"Descent - Aftermath" from the DAI Descent DLC soundtrack
"Tooth Fairy" by Nanowar of Steel
...and it didn't. hahahah I mean, except the Descent suite which is like, my favorite soundtrack throughout the games << at risk of being controversial, I prefer it to the Trespasser one. They're both gorgeous of course, but I can't really command my preferences
I'm tagging: @underneathestars @daggerbean @layalu @m-bj @n7viper and whoever feels like sharing some music u-u
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cherrysmokesaconha · 1 month
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How to get the Eddsworld fandom to notice your work and rarepairs Google Search
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ziipzeepzop-eez · 4 months
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'' S̶A̶L̶T̶ ̶L̶I̶C̶K̶ ''
t̲r̲i̲u̲m̲p̲h̲ ̲r̲i̲n̲g̲s̲ ̲b̲e̲a̲u̲t̲y̲.̲
. . .
Akin to my personal salt lick,
I split open my tongue
On what I say.
Is it a revel?
I'll never use my verbal voice again.
My lips will never twitch,
Maybe only to crack a smile.
An inevitable smirk, a triumph
In the face of my enemies.
"Shut up!" they cry.
Never, I respond in kind.
I will leave behind my legacy
Of
Words.
I will be one with the immortal figures of history,
the Ones who Wrote,
Scribbled,
Scratched,
Typed,
Spoke.
I am no dog.
I won't be kicked aside.
I will break, over and over again until
I am unbreakable.
My throat will be slit,
My vocal chords shredded,
My tonsils removed by
The clawed hands of
Iniquity —
But my voice.
Oh, my beautiful,
Timeless,
Voice,
Will live on for the strongholds to come.
They will be carried by the winds of
My whistles and whispers.
Be strengthened by the
Gust of my Roars,
Sweetened, Charmed
By my serenades.
My heart was touched by an oath,
And a legend it will stand to be.
It probably couldn’t have been stopped, anyway.
Triumph.
Ring true for me.
Never, ever end.
#zeepie beep : original works! ⭒๋࣭ ⭑🖋˚𔓘。#mini rant in the tags?? 😆😅#the writer in me was WILDIN when i wrote this#just now posting it?#mm.#original poem#free verse#writblr#original work#i think i wrote this when i was going thru something angsty!#when i was little i was told i talk too much.#and i did!! i was a little chatterbox. i can admit that#but it kinda hurt when i was told that i was talking JUST because i liked the sound of my own voice#like no. i just wasn't silenced at that time. 🥲#undiagnosed adhd i am /pretty/ sure!#because as much as i can remember — half the time i didn't even realize i was talking xdd#i would just say whatever came to my mind.#it's glorified now. at the very most it's a protected trait (in some cases)#when i was a kid - in a family like mine - it was not.#i don't blame them for treating me the way they did - but that don't mean it didn't hurt. y'know?#i still AM a chatterbox of sorts!! but I'm also quiet by development.#my voice is a lot deeper - and it's soft around the edges.#and i bristle when people i know say something like “you're so quiet now!” “what's wrong?” “you used to be so happy.”#WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLLLL DO YOU MEANNNNNN. 🤣🤣😭😭😭#like. stop putting me in a box?#people change when they get older. and it's not even that!#after the shit i've gone thru - i think i deserve my sweet bubble of silence. don't you?#I don't owe you an explanation.#i will speak when i want to.#and i will not be silenced.
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seaweedstarshine · 4 months
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You know that time in the comics when the Doctor is so depressed, he shuts off the lights, turns on an interrogation spotlight, locks himself in the console room, and argues with a bunch of judgmental shadow-figures resembling his past incarnations?
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And all the TARDIS' lights go out and her interior becomes a maze to keep his companions out of the console room, all from her psychic connection with the Doctor (“moodbleed”)?
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And his companions are left wandering in circles for two days as the air goes “stale,” not knowing where he is but thinking the worst, while he hallucinates in a dark room?
...because I'm thinking again about the times this definitely happened when he was with the Ponds.
#when they find him- Rory (one good nurse™) asks neutral questions to check on his emotional state while respecting his space#Amy knows when he's locked himself alone long enough to call River (fortunately Amy talks to her daughter often)#River can calm the tardis and go directly to the Doctor. she sits with him and nods when he rants. she tells him hes loved.#eleventh doctor#11th doctor#doctor who#words by seaweed#(eleventh) doctor is neurodivergent tag#honestly same. I don't want anyone looking at me when im in that way because eyes are very uncomfortable lasers slicing my thoughts#so river doesn't look at him. she looks away and lets him look at her so he knows she's not looking at him. she also does active listening#the shadow-figures in this comic are beyond psychosis coded#emphasis: it isnt presented like some conference of past selves here (which the doctor can't just do anyway- see Power of the Doctor).#and the shadow figures dont have personalities anyway. the way theyre drawn is VERY psychosis coded (as is 11 this whole Si Spurrier run)#this is from Eleventh Doctor Year 2 Issue 3 (set between A Christmas Carol and The Impossible Astronaut) if anyone's wondering#note that he put on his comfort fez I love him#alice obiefune#poor Alice got drove up the wall from wandering in the dark for two days… I think Amy and Rory get to get used to it if they're together#eventually they work out a plan to calm the tardis enough to show them the comfy spot in the bunkbeds to wait and give him space#he joins them in their bunkbed for platonic snuggles. all in the same bunk. Rory doesnt mind. they make sure the doctor knows hes loved <3#I think- having been percieved as psychotic growing up- Amy would be conscious about making sure the doctor knows she still adores him#I really want this fic to exist
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lunarelly · 2 years
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i am begging everyone to please watch lycoris recoil because the gay undertones are unreal, there’s a male poc who is represented so well and it’s basically canon that he’s gay and married, the characters are extremely endearing and well written, the two female leads have a cute little budding romance, PLEASE give this anime the same attention we give anime with mediocre male leads because it’s seriously so good
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sportsthoughts · 2 months
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.
#oh i am a bit tired tonight folks. had a nice time yesterday trawling through old pens forums and linking back some posts to here#(all with links because like - it's nice to share where you've found fun stuff right?) no point gatekeeping at all - we don't own content#and then the same old people once again somehow by chance post the exact same five or six photos 5 minutes after#and yeah. great minds think alike right? you were probably trawling a not touched since 2015 forum too at the same time. it's possible#and out of the hundreds of photos on there you decided to make the exact selection i did. it's possible right?#and truthfully i don't really care because i'm posting this stuff because my blog is MY personal archive and it's stuff I want to catalogue#but when you have blocked as many blogs and sideblogs as you can and people are still finding you and send you shitty anons for just...#daring to use the player tags? cataloging stuff by literally tagging the player's name? ughhhhh it's exhausting how can i block you when yo#are the tumblr equivalent of hydra regrowing a new fake sideblog pretending to be a different person every week.#sorry i know this ranting into the abyss is pointless but i have a few more posts scheduled for tonight and i know i'll wake up tomorrow#and miraculously the same ones will be posted on the same people's blogs 5 minutes after me and it's just so childish#but yeah. we all know who they are and i'm just a little tired of it and hearing the stories of people being harassed in their inboxes/dms#anyway anyway anyway. i think i shall just take a break from posting stuff because feeling a little disheartened! and uncomfortable#because i feel watched. please stop using other blogs to find me. please stop talking about me in your tags. touch some grass my friends
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monty-glasses-roxy · 2 months
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I've noticed I seem to be the only one on Tumblr that actually talks about Roxy specifically. I feel like that can't be true yet I've so rarely seen it anywhere
Like maaan I'm sat here thinking about the possibilities of what Glitchtrap would learn getting control of Mimic's security node Roxy and yet I've basically never seen anyone else mention it. This is actual canon that she's Mimic's security node. It's implied an entire team of people from the Raceway died to Mimic and that she's keeping the Raceway closed on purpose.
Did no one else notice? Or am I just not seeing the other people talking about it?
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dirtytransmasc · 6 months
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self indulgent got concept.
Ned brings Jon home, Cat hates the boy, everything stays the same... until Robert Baratheon is charging through the halls of Winterfell looking for the babe, ready to butcher the poor thing where he lay helpless in his cradle.
in a matter of moments Catelyn learns three things:
The babe was never a bastard, Ned had only lied to her to protect Jon, and that she would die before she let Robert lay a finger on the babe she'd previously wished death upon.
cue Catelyn Stark snatching Jon from his cradle, holding him, protecting him, loving him as she would her own son, risking it all to keep him safe, all care for herself thrown to the wind.
like they say, what a mother's love holds no bounds, and what it makes her capable of had no limits.
#listen listen listen#I just want Catelyn to love Jon Snow and I don't care what I ahve to do to make it happen#(plus the angst is delicious)#I was rewatching old kids movies and ended up watching ice age and idk why but the mom sacrificing herself for her babe gave me ideas#I just imagine young Cat holding onto the boy she hated and wished death on for being bastard (only to find out he wasn't one) as tightly-#as she could. knowing Robert and his men were coming. knowing they would slaughter the boy in front of her. knwoing she'd wished for this-#and deciding she'd give her own life to protect him if thats what it came to.#and in my mind she jumped from the window of the nursery knowing the halls will be filled with the kings men and leave little chance for-#escape. before fleeing on injured legs to hide the babe and herself knowing Robert would be right behind her. she's in agony. but she'll-#going for the babes sake. she won't stop until her heart is dead in her chest. even if it hurts to move and breath and think he keeps going#maybe she takes a horse and flees wintefell all together. maybe she hides somewhere in/around the castle. maybe Robert catches her?#if she runs with him she'd have nothing but the clothes on her back. she'd have to feed him and keep him warm. she'd have left her own son-#behind. the potential angst and hurt/comfort as Cat misses her own son and learns to love another. feeding him and keeping him warm from-#her own body while she's injured and lost and at the will of the elements of the strange new place she now considered calling home#idk I just think it'd be an interesting concept#there's something about a mother and her child being cornered by 'wolves' (in this case a stag). this has the added spice of Cat and Jon's-#dynamic. just earlier that day she could barely look at him and now she's willing to die for him. the change happened in seconds.#that was a lot of ranting in the tags. oops. anyway...#catelyn stark#jon snow#I love putting these two in harrowing. life altering. and/or traumatic situations so they can finally just be mother and son#I live for the angsty family feels#got#game of thrones#asoiaf
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helianskies · 24 days
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ugly maths.
i hate maths, right. i don't usually like numbers, and if i do like numbers it's gotta be an 8 or a 48 and nothing else.
thing is, i've recently caught myself doing maths again. ugly maths. the kind of maths that, really, i've been trying to avoid as much as possible because, well, it's ugly!
you... wanna see?
okay, fine... but don't say i didn't warn you!
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ugly, see? look at all those numbers! not a 48 in sight!
huh? what's that? you don't see what i'm on about? oh... oh! hang on, lemme just—
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better? yes? no? no? okay, what if i—
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mmh, yes. ugly numbers. see it now? can you see why they're ugly?
here, i can make it worse.
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these numbers are ugly. the maths they make me do is ugly.
now i'll level with you: the worst ones by far are the yellow numbers. the maths they make me do it the ugliest.
why ugly?
because it makes me ugly.
those numbers turn me into not only a suddenly number-obsessed fool, but a fool who also cannot understand these numbers and what they mean and why i feel like they reflect on me and my ability.
87, 75.
the thoughts are as follows:
• the orange numbers are big, so why are you being ugly about the yellow ones? you should be happy with what you have. so many nice big numbers! not everyone receives that.
• is it that there are two different audiences for these two different fics? perhaps. they are quite different works, with different appeals, and different themes. maybe you are reading too much into it.
• why are you obsessing over numbers anyway? you don't like maths! you left maths behind when you were 16, put it down!
okay, okay, fine! i'll put the maths down. right here, in fact!:
that 87 was an 83 at the start of the year. the 6161 it is attached to was a 5453.
4, 708.
ugly maths.
the 75 is a nice number. in fact, compared to 87, it is beautiful, radiant, enchanting. at the start of the year, 75 was 48. wow. now that is one sexy number!
27.
mmmm.
6161, 1061.
5100.
87, 75.
12.
mmmm.
you know, my most favourite comment left recently on a fic of mine was 2 characters long: :(
it made me :)
well, actually, it made me >:) because it was left in response, presumably, to one of the key scenes in a new chapter which left the exact impression on someone that i hoped it would.
they must be the only one who reacted like that, though.
1.
have i mentioned that that 87 and 75 include author responses?
i won't try to do more maths, there. it might not end well for me. the maths is making me tired enough as it is, and i have an early start tomorrow.
oh! but, that being said, i have another set of ugly numbers to show you, so keep 87 and 75 in mind.
ready?
838, 245.
(want a hint? the green numbers!)
838, 87. 245, 75.
9.6, 3.3.
ugly maths. it's ugly again, see? i don't like it. i'm seeing numbers within numbers within numbers, and i can't seem to stop!
the numbers make me ask new questions:
• why is it not good enough?
• people seem to engage more with one fic over the other, so shouldn't you prioritise?
• is all this maths this really good for you?
no, it isn't.
i want to avoid ugly maths. ugly maths makes me want to tear my hair out. it makes me want to start from scratch. it makes me want to grab someone and scream. it makes me want to cry and press a button that has tempted me many times before when the numbers become too ugly to bear.
ugly maths turn me into an ugly person.
ugly maths make me obsessive, paranoid, anxious, regretful, vindictive, spiteful, alone.
i hate maths. i hate numbers, just like, it feels, the numbers hate me.
#helia rants#cw vent#i'm okay but i'm not#this has been playing on my mind over the last couple of weeks#it's aimed at the sky rather than anyone here#i know i'm not the best myself as commenting. i justify it to myself by affirming i don't read much. which i don't.#since the start of the year i have tried to comment on everything i have read#bearing in mind i may also dm someone rather than comment because i want to scream and ramble about their fic more personally#that being said. i know i'm not the only one who finds themselves doing ugly maths#and in turn starting to feel uglier too#i don't like looking at the numbers#i was doing well at the start of the year#but as i open my drafts and look to a new chapter and at the notes i wrote#i can't stop myself from opening the fic. from seeing where it's at. from seeing if it's changed. from checking my inbox to see if...#if only...#what it's meant is that i've come to a point where a fic i loved has become exactly that: a fic i loved. past tense#the other fic is still a fic i love. but i know deep down that that is tied to the numbers too#i hate that this is what i've become#because i have tiny fics. fics with 50 hits and maybe 1 comment. and i love them. i still love them#but when it comes to the big ones. the multi-chapters. the hefty fics. after a point all i see are numbers#and those numbers have come to determine both my happiness and fulfilment as a writer#and so i am ugly. i am sad. i am pathetic.#and i don't know how to stop.#helia's stuff#this was meant to save back into my drafts. i was editing tags. tumblr decided it should post. so... so be it.#also this is not an attention thing if anyone dares go 'oh but you're a good writer uwu' i might do something we'll all regret#this is also not a 'ffs comment on my fics will you 😒' hell no#it's just about me. and my issue. and my unhealthy relationship with these fucking numbers.#gotta get this shit out of my head somehow :)
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