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starvonnie · 8 years

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I know it's a lot but I couldn't choose: 4, 7, 8, 10, 14, 15, 16, 35, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42 (that was apparently a really interesting group to me)

4. Who do you want out of your life the most?Hmmmm... I don’t think there’s anyone actively in my life that I want out of it. Like maybe a couple of distant relatives?

7. Who do you wish you could be honest with?Everybody tbh. I often don’t voice my feelings when I’m upset because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I end up bottling things up and it really isn’t good. I’m trying to let people know when I’m not in a good mood or don’t want to talk because I know it’ll just lead to me getting angry.

8. Who have you harbored (any kind of!) secret feelings towards?Probably a lot of people lol. I can’t think of anyone specific atm though? I’m worried this is how all the questions are going to go :P

10. Who do you wish you’d treated differently?A couple of boyfriends. Man, they did not deserve the shit I put them through.

14. What’s your biggest regret?Going to college. I went because all my friends were going and I was doing nothing and wanted out of the job I currently have. And worst of all, I went to this PARTICULAR college because I thought I was gonna get back together with my ex (yup I did that) and then it didn’t happen and we had a falling out and then I had to see him around the dorms. #dontdowhatidid

15. Describe your ideal world.One without hate. One where nonbinary peeps like me can just go out in the world and be our wonderful selves without transphobes getting us down.

16. Describe your personal hell.It’s probably exactly like this world except everything is on fire and Transformers doesn’t exist

35. What are you proudest of?I mean right now I’m really proud of my Koss fic. I guess I’m proud that I’m still alive? Didn’t think I’d live to see 21 and I’m 23 going on 24 so???

37. What’s your relationship with religion like?It’s not for me

38. Talk about someone you’ve lost.Oooooh boy this’ll probably be a doozy. It’s not someone who’s died because I’ve been pretty lucky to have only been to 2 funerals in my life. Tbh I’ve been thinking about him a lot recently and idk why. But my ex-boyfriend Jon. We only dated for a total of 6 months but he was honestly my most enriching relationship ever. I just remember us singing at the top of our lungs while he drove (and he got lost because he didn’t read the GPS properly). Or that time it was snowing so what was supposed to be an evening visit turned into us sleeping on the floor with like a couch pillow and a blanket that wasn’t big enough for even one person let alone two. And once we got up it was STILL snowing but he had work so we had to leave and then we found out he didn’t have a brush in his car so we scraped the snow off with a McDonald’s bag and a ballot box (can’t remember why he had that thing). Then I calmly talked him through snow driving because I’m really good at that. It was a terrible day back then but I can’t help but remember it fondly now. Then there was the time I asked him to come visit me because my period was terrible and I was crampy and I just wanted someone to hold me. He said that he was sorry and that he couldn’t, and lo and behold, not 40 minutes later he was there with a bouquet of flowers and apologizing that he couldn’t stay but that he hoped I would feel better. Fuck, I could go on and on but I’ll spare you. If you read this far good fucking job. He was the one that got away.

39. Talk about someone who abandoned you.She didn’t really abandon me, she just moved. But after she moved she changed so it feel like that. It was my best friend from when I was 12/13. Also know as The Girl Who Made Me Realize I Was Gay. Or bi, anyways. I’m pan now but that’s how I referred to myself back then. We bonded over Warrior cats and had sleepovers all the time. She told me she was bi and told me what that meant and that was when I realized I had a HUGE crush on her (I wasn’t aware that you could have crushes on girls... keep in mind I was 12). But she likes this boy so I never told her. And then she moved and got a boyfriend and got into drugs and that was not my scene.

40. Talk about a desire you have that scares you.Probably my desire for a romantic relationship because it’s been forever since I’ve like really liked someone and I’m afraid I’ll meet someone that I FINALLY have actual legitimate feelings for and they won’t feel the same. Dating while trans (and, y’know, ugly) is hard.

41. What’s something you wish you were capable of?Working at a shit job for more than 7 months without having a mental breakdown.

42. What’s something you’re afraid that you’re capable of?I know I’m capable of this thing and I’m in therapy and check myself so I don’t do it again. I’d rather not talk about it publicly tho.

#suicide mention #long post #now you all know too much about me #Anonymous

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