#drunk me has more wisdom than sleepy sober me

[lunarflare64]

You ever just go "oh yup, this is the turning point, I'm gonna fall asleep on my couch" like fuck your spine, the natural melatonin is in heavy, you're done for, all sense is out the window in favour of passing out asap

[kissinginkitchens]

You Bring Me Home—Chapter Five: Like Real People Do

a/n: hellooo and welcome to the next part of ybmh!! i am sooooo excited about this next chapter (and upcoming chapters😏 ). Thank you again for all of your kind words and wonderful feedback! It's always so much fun to hear from you all, so as always, feel free to come chat in my inbox once you've finished this next part. I have a feeling there will be much to discuss👀 Much love, Mel <3

Pairing: Hawai'i!Harry x Original Character

Warnings: swearing, allusions to sexual content, mentions of drowning

Word Count: 5.6k

read parts one, two, three, and four

“I’m not going,” Alani says finally, discarding the outfit in her hands onto a pile on her bed. The clock reads 7:55 pm, only five minutes before she was supposed to be at the studio. She still hadn’t selected an outfit, but her hair and makeup were still relatively intact from her shift at the café.

“You have to!” Pua whines. “You told him you would!”

“Then I’ll tell him I’m sick or something—food poisoning. Period cramps, maybe,”

She begins placing the clothes on hangers to put back in her closet, but her sister reaches for her wrists to stop her.

“You’re just nervous,” Pua says calmly, getting eye level with her older sister. “But you’ll regret it if you don’t go,”

“Go where?” a woman’s voice calls from the door frame. Their mother, Estrella, peeks her head through the cracked door.

“To a party with a cute boy,” Pua explains.

Alani shoots an icy glare at her sister before turning back to her mom. “It’s not a party. I’m working on a piece about a local musician and he’s recording some music tonight and said I could go. You know, to write about it,”

Estrella nods, not convinced. “So why don’t you wanna to go?”

“Because they almost kissed—”

“Pua!”

“Hey, hey,” Estrella cuts in. “Mija, you’re twenty-two years old, I don’t expect you to stay single forever. If you want to go out and see a cute boy, you don’t need to lie about it,”

“But I’m not lying,” Alani defends. “It’s just… complicated, and I’m trying to be professional about it.”

Estrella steps away from the doorframe and envelops her daughter in a hug. “Sometimes, you just have to do what feels right and hope for the best,”

Alani is grateful for the piece of wisdom from her mother, feeling a small weight lifted off her shoulders.

“But if I were you,” her mom continues. “I would wear the black strappy dress with those wedges.”

********

8:10. Harry checks his phone for the third time in one minute, growing more disappointed each time the same three numbers stare back at him, almost mocking. He doesn’t feel any better when the time reads 8:11.

“Can I interest you in a piña colada?” Mitch pipes up, sauntering over with a glass in each hand.

The choice of drink seemed perfect when Harry had suggested it earlier in the day, but he deeply regrets it now. Despite the tightening at the back of his throat, Harry accepts the drink and chooses to nurse it in a different corner of the room. A part of him feels guilty for being such a buzzkill around his friends these days, and he wishes more than anything that he could just enjoy living in this moment with them. Being away from Alani had produced a strange feeling in him similar to the sickness experienced when leaving home on a long vacation; Harry didn’t know exactly how to cure it, but he hoped that lots of alcohol would do the trick.

When the clock reads 8:20, he accepts that she isn’t coming and decides to make the best of a shitty situation. He drains another piña colada and joins his friends who are huddled around various instruments and sound equipment. A few more of Harry’s writer and producer friends had joined the trip temporarily, and he’s grateful, now more than ever, for their presence—it distracts him from the overwhelming emptiness in the pit of his stomach. Jeff hands Harry a microphone and some headphones while Mitch plugs a white electric guitar into the amp. The guitarist begins with some chords that the crew has been messing around with for the past couple of days: an upbeat riff reminiscent of some of Harry’s favorite 70s rock pieces. His head is spinning mildly, but he uses the feeling as inspiration. He pinches his eyes shut and tries to let the lyrics flow, but the only words coming out are “she’s driving me crazy”, so he starts with that. The group also runs with it, adding a few yells and lyrics of their own. The song isn’t coherent in the slightest, filled mostly with laughter and choppy melodies, but it’s the best Harry has felt all night. He traded the piña coladas for a glass of tequila fit snugly in the palm of his hand, and true to Mitch’s word, the giggles emerge. At one point, he shouts the words “I’m havin’ your baby”, which makes zero sense to anyone in the room, including him, but they decide that it sounds cool and keep it going.

“It’s none of your business!” Mitch calls back, voice raised in his best soprano to mimic that of a woman. The shoddy attempt makes Harry laugh even harder and his hand clutches his stomach.

They continue on for what feels like hours, but in reality has only been forty-five minutes. At 9:05, Jeff Azoff heads outside to catch his breath and cool down. As he takes a seat on the steps, a yellow Ford Bronco pulls into the lot and Alani steps out once it's parked. She emerges in a black dress that falls mid thigh and a baby pink leather jacket, making her way nervously up the steps.

“Alani,” Jeff greets warmly with cheeks flushed. “Welcome. Party’s inside.”

She shoots him a grateful smile and reaches for the studio door, slipping inside cautiously. The music had been audible a mile down the road, but it’s even more overwhelming inside. Standing on a small coffee table in the center of the room is Harry with an arm draped around a shorter man wearing a black and white Adidas shirt. His dimples are on full display and his warbled words carry over the speakers to attack her from all sides. She recognizes Mitch hunched over a guitar and Jeff Bhasker spinning in an office chair, but she can’t put names to the other faces lingering around Harry. Alani feels extremely out of place, not knowing where she belongs in all of the chaos—it all seems to her like a living Jackson Pollock painting that she can’t look away from. In the middle of his off-key rendition of Wannabe by the Spice Girls, Harry’s eyes land on Alani and his smile grows ten times wider. He puts one foot in front of the other, completely disregarding the small size of the table, but he catches himself just as Alani lunges forward to help him. This results in their two bodies pressed flush against one another, the coolness of her leather jacket versus the warmth of his intoxication.

“You made it,” he slurs.

Alani takes a small step back and clears her throat. “Yeah. Sorry I’m late,”

“Don’ worry ‘bout it,” Harry shrugs, his eyes lighting up when he remembers something. “There’s piña coladas! In the kitchen,”

The fact that he remembered such a detail from their previous conversations and made an effort to incorporate it into this night makes her cheeks warm.

“Okay, cool. Thanks,”

Harry scans her appearance and his stomach flutters.

“Y’look really pretty,” he offers. Alani can tell that it takes every ounce of effort to do so.

“Thank you,” she murmurs, voice small.

“Wanna get some fresh air?”

“Yes, please.”

The two of them slip out through a side door and into the backyard, stopping just before the pier. Alani doesn’t know how much of these next moments Harry will remember in the morning, which makes her feel a little more confident to share what she’s truly thinking.

“Harry, I—”

“God, you’re so pretty,” he interrupts, running a hand through his hair.

Her cheeks heat up, but she pushes past the feeling. “And you’re drunk,”

“Yeah, true. But you’re still pretty. Always think so,”

Alani searches his eyes, which are sleepy and bloodshot, but there isn’t a trace of insincerity. In this moment, she also feels the overwhelming urge to be honest—about the butterflies in her stomach that only set flight when he’s around, and the way she constantly wonders what his lips would feel like against hers. But there’s an intensity behind Harry’s gaze, despite his intoxicate state, that stops her.

“You’re making this so hard,” Alani laughs lightly, more to herself than him.

“‘M sorry,” he offers. “Don’t mean to,”

She smiles at Harry’s completely innocent reply, not knowing what to do with all of the pent up affection she has for him. A part of her simply wants to scream in his face to stop being so goddamn endearing. Instead, Alani turns on her heel to put some space between them, but stops when she feels a warm hand tug at her fingers.

“Why d’you always do that?” Harry asks, his expression a little more sober.

Alani takes a deep breath. “Do what?”

“Pull away when I get close. Did it in the car that one time. And the other time at the beach,”

There’s a beat of silence where Alani isn’t sure how to respond, but before she does, Harry releases her fingers and takes a step back.

“Wait, that was stupid. ‘M sorry if I did anything—”

“No,” Alani interrupts, taking a step closer. “You haven’t done anything wrong,”

“So why?”

She releases a breath and swallows. “I don’t know,”

It isn’t the answer Harry is looking for, but he accepts it with a slow nod. Suddenly feeling the need to flee, he takes a step onto the railing of the pier and Alani’s heart rate speeds up.

“What’re you doing?”

“S’hard to tell,” he shrugs before letting himself fall into the water below.

“Harry!” she screams, heaving over the edge of the railing to find him. The drop, unbeknownst to her, is only six feet and he’s done it many times before.

After a few seconds, Alani sees him reemerge at the surface, shaking his wet hair out. There’s a small strip of sand along the shore below, so she bolts down the stairs to meet him at the bottom.

“What the fuck?!” She cries, panic welling in the brim of her eyes. “Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know,” he deadpans.

“You could’ve hurt yourself,” Alani croaks, her limbs shaking. “You—you could’ve—”

Harry reaches out to comfort her but she steps back.

“I gotta go,”

“Alani,” he says gently, but she doesn’t respond. “Alani, wait!”

She walks briskly back to the front lot, Harry close behind.

“Alani, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“Don’t follow me.” she orders.

Her words are like a dagger through his chest, but he respects her wishes and stops dead in his tracks. Harry stands soaking wet under the moonlight, feeling helpless as he watches Alani disappear into the darkness.

********

She wakes the next morning with puffy eyes and a heavy heart, still wearing the same black dress from the night before. The warm water of a morning bath eases some of the tension in her muscles, but she knows it will take a lot more to soothe the tightness in her chest.

Why do you always do that?

Do what?

Pull away.

Their conversation from the night before lingers like a nasty bruise in Alani’s mind, but she senses a bit of harsh truth in Harry’s words. She did have a bad habit of walking away when things got hard, especially concerning matters of the heart. Her instincts were all flight and no fight, so even if Alani had stayed, she isn’t sure how she would’ve explained her reasons for panicking. How do I gently pepper in the whole almost dying thing? she wonders, a lump forming at the back of her throat. Alani was only eight years-old when she nearly drowned, and though almost fourteen years had passed since then, she still vividly remembers the helplessness of sinking further under the strong tide. On nights after a particularly stressful day, Alani’s sleep is often disturbed by the sensation of her lungs slowly filling with water only to wake up drenched in sweat and clutching the sheets. She had worked hard for several years after the incident to overcome her fear of the ocean, but a part of her still couldn’t shed the debilitating need for caution. After all, it was easier to avoid the water altogether than to wade in blindly and get sucked under. Watching Harry sink into the unknown stirred the same sense of panic that Alani had felt all those years ago and threatened to undo her progress, but she quickly realized that it was the idea of losing him that had sent her into flight mode. She imagines the hollowness she would feel at the sight of waterfalls and the scent of vanilla; piña coladas—the drink and the song—tainted in her memory forever. The thought of Harry's absence was all too much to bear, but it’s how she knew that his presence must mean something. He meant something, and she couldn’t let him go.She ends her bath quickly and sifts through the first pair of clothes she can find. Suddenly none of it mattered: what she wore, how she looked, Rolling Stone—nothing but him. Alani thinks back to her mother’s words: sometimes you just have to do what feels right and hope for the best. All she needed to do was see him and the words would find themselves. The sky is overcast when she steps outside, so she quickly puts the top on Stevie and pulls out into the road, deciding to make one quick pit-stop before setting off to find him.

********

Harry’s head pounds and he feels as if the sun has been set to maximum brightness. His clothes reek of saltwater, his skin feels like sandpaper, and his mouth is the Sahara desert. None of this compares, however, to the sense of impending doom that settles in when the memories of the night before, particularly those of Alani, resurface. I’m so fucked, he groans. Harry doesn’t quite remember every detail, but he remembers enough; he remembers how pretty she looked, and reminding her of it. He feels the temporary warmth of her fingers and the coolness of her jacket pressed against his chest. There’s a bit of fuzziness between the Spice Girls and piña coladas, but then Harry remembers crashing through water and his memory gets clearer. He fucked up. He had upset Alani in some way and although he doesn’t quite know how, he knows that he would spend the rest of his life trying to make up for it. Harry sits up suddenly and the whole room spins, but he makes an effort to stand anyway. Need to see Alani, he thinks with determination, I just need to see Alani.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty,” Mitch comments from the kitchen table, nursing a cup of coffee.

“What time is it?” Harry croaks.

Mitch takes a sip of coffee and checks his phone. “10:30,”

“And last night was…”

“The party?” Mitch fills in the gaps. “Yeah,”

Harry rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands and takes a seat at the table. “Did...did you see Alani?”

“No. I don’t think anyone did, actually. Did you?”

“Yeah,”

“So… I’m assuming it didn’t go well?”

Harry’s throat tightens and he hopes that she at least got home safely. He can’t bear to think about anything bad happening to her on his watch.

“No,” he confirms with a sigh. “No it didn’t,”

“Are you gonna go talk to her?” Mitch prods.

“Dunno if I should. She was pretty pissed,”

Mitch thinks for a second, taking another sip of coffee. “What would Noah Calhoun do?”

Under normal circumstances, Harry would be very amused by his friend’s reference to The Notebook, but right now he’s too focused on making things right with Alani. He devises a plan of action and stands.

“On a scale of one to ten,” he starts. “How shitty do I look?”

Mitch scans his best friend over, head tilting from side to side as he considers the question. “About a 7.5.”

“Good enough.”

Harry swipes the keys to the Cadillac off the counter and slips his feet into a pair of beat up vans before heading out the door.

********

The restaurant is fairly empty, as far as Alani can tell from the back. The kitchen staff are gathered in the break room for the time being, which allows her to tiptoe around unnoticed as she grabs the necessary ingredients for her peace offering to Harry. She hurries out through the employee entrance as soon as it’s complete and the key is already turning in her car’s lock when she hears a voice over her shoulder, calling her name.

“David?” she responds, turning to face the brawny man leaning against the car that is parked beside hers.

“Hey,” he starts, offering a flash of pearly white teeth. “I know I’m not supposed to be back here, but I just wanted to talk to you,”

Alani swallows, the icy chill of the drink in her hands reminding her of what needs to be done.

“You know, now’s not really a gr—”

“I haven't stopped thinking about you,” David interrupts, taking a step closer. “Since the other day when you stopped by. I mean, I think about you all the time but…” he trails off and Alani waits awkwardly for him to finish his ill-timed confession. David takes another step towards her and rests his forearm against the hood of her car, practically boxing her in with no escape route.

“We were really great together, don’t you think?” he asks, scanning her face with his prying eyes. “I don’t even remember why we broke things off,”

Alani’s brow furrows, her mind failing to come up with a logical explanation for this very sudden and uncomfortable conversation. She hadn’t lied when she told Harry that David wasn’t her ex, but she hadn’t been entirely honest, either. They had started hooking up during her senior year of high school—mostly because he was the star swimmer on their team that all the other girls fawned over, and despite all the attention, he had wanted her. It made her feel momentarily special, though she knew he wasn’t the boyfriend type. “Just a bit of fun” is what they called it, and the arrangement worked out well until Alani’s freshman year of college when she realized that there was an entire world of opportunities waiting beyond the confines of high school. A world that had brought her Harry, who was probably going to leave just as soon as he’d arrived if she didn’t make amends quickly.

“No,” Alani says decisively, nudging his arm away. “We weren’t ‘great’ together, we weren’t even good for each other,”

“Alani-”

“We were really young,” she continues. “And we did what we did, but that’s all in the past-”

“If you would just give me a chance-”

“I didn’t even know what I wanted for myself back then, let alone what I wanted out of a partner. But I do now,”

She doesn’t have to say Harry’s name, but they’re both thinking it. David steps back, arms crossed, and though he had always been somewhat intimidating, he looks small standing before her now.

“It’s because of that British guy, isn’t it?” he asks, despite the feeling that he already knows the answer.

Alani lets out a light laugh but she doesn’t confirm his suspicions. “We have nothing in common, David. We want different things out of life, you’ll see,”

“And he,” David continues, an accusatory tone on the word “he”. “Wants everything you do?”

She thinks for a moment, her heart pounding as she considers what Harry’s response will be to her confession. “I hope so.”

********

Harry had considered going to Alani’s house first, but he wasn’t sure who else would be home and didn’t particularly want his first interaction with her parents to occur whilst hungover. Sitting parked on the back road behind the café, however, he wishes that he had stopped there first to save him the painful sight ahead. Harry recognizes the other man from the restaurant he had taken Alani to the first time they had hung out, a name that started with the letter “D," though probably not the one flashing angrily in his mind. His arm is draped comfortably along the roof of her car, their bodies inches apart in what appears to be a very intimate moment. While he still can’t remember the exact details of his actions that had upset Alani so much, he fits this piece into the puzzle and it becomes much more clear. She has a boyfriend, and no amount of apologies could reconcile this fact, however tempted Harry may be to try. The word “boyfriend” sits uncomfortably in his mind, but it suddenly puts everything else into perspective. It explains why she fled his car so quickly when his wandering eyes had hinted their desire for her kiss—both times. He could have sworn that it would have happened had her phone not interrupted them the second time, but perhaps it had all been a trick of the rose-colored light. The sudden realization makes Harry feel sick, and a bit foolish, so he speeds off before he can be spotted.

He drives aimlessly for a while, mind still racing with the image of the other man’s depraved hands on Alani’s soft skin. The uneasiness boiling in the pit of his stomach is pathetic—he’s well aware—but he can’t stop himself from wondering why not me? It’s a selfish thought, but it eats at him, nonetheless. It should have been me. But the reality is that it wasn’t him, and it never would be. Despite any feelings he’d had that Alani was the one for him, he was not the one for her, and it’s a fact he must learn to live with. If this thought were a rock, he’d turn it over in his fingers until they bled.

********

Alani pulls up to the studio hesitantly and waits a beat before making her way up the stairs. She knocks twice, but there’s no answer, so she presses her ear to the door in search of any sound. Silence. There’s no trace of the cars Harry usually drives when she wanders to the back lot, either, so she figures that he must not be here. Alani racks her brain for other possible locations, but it’s a dead end. She doesn’t know what hotel or house he could be staying at, and her heart begins to race at the idea that he might not even be in Hawaii anymore. For all she knows, he could be on a return flight to L.A. or London, gone forever with the same instructions she had left him: don’t follow me. Alani lifts her phone with trembling fingers and searches Harry’s name, pressing the phone to her ear and praying like she had never prayed before. It rings three times before she’s sent to voicemail. The sound of his voice on the recording brings temporary relief, but it’s gone as soon as the message ends and she is prompted to respond. She clears her throat gently and speaks as if he is at the other end waiting to hear the right words and pick up.

“Hi, it’s Alani,” she starts slowly. “I, uh…. I’m at the studio. I don’t think you’re here though,”

She walks in small circles around the backyard and lets her eyes roam to the pier where it all went wrong. It sends a pang of guilt through her spine, but it fuels her next words.

“Listen, I really wanna talk—about last night. I shouldn’t have left, I know that now. It wasn’t you, it was me, and I know that sounds cliché but it’s true,”

Alani swallows down the emotion bubbling at the back of her throat and wishes that she could just see him, face to face, one last time. There’s so much more she needs to say, but it’s a conversation she doesn’t want to have with his answering machine.

“Please just call me when you get this. I wanna explain everything if you’ll let me.”

She hangs up and nearly throws her phone into the ocean. Though her trauma response wasn’t completely in her control and it isn’t something she should feel guilty about, she wishes she had been able to explain. Alani hadn’t always been comfortable sharing that part of her life, but there was a security in Harry’s presence that made her feel okay to do so. She wanted to share everything with him, the good and the bad, but she needed to find him first.

Only twenty minutes had elapsed at the studio when Alani decides to head out; there was still no word from Harry and she needed to be anywhere else beside the site of their potential last meeting. She drives with no particular place in mind, the windows rolled down to let in the chilly, overcast air. It isn’t until she’s halfway in the opposite direction that she gets the urge to visit one other location. There’s an extremely small chance that Harry will be there, but she goes less in search of him and more for her own personal wallowing.

When Alani pulls up to the lookout where the two of them had spotted the rainbow, there is another car already parked: a pink Cadillac. The sight makes her entire body freeze.

“Harry?” a small voice calls behind him. He almost thinks that he had hallucinated it until he reluctantly turns his head and sees a timid Alani emerging from her car. A million emotions run through his mind at once, starting with confusion and elation and ultimately ending in grief.

“Hey,” he responds, weakly, still leaning against the hood of the Cadillac.

Alani slowly makes her way over, not entirely sure that he’s actually there. Once she gets closer, however, she can smell the faint scent of vanilla and her chest swells.

“I left you a voicemail,” is all she can say.

Harry’s brow furrows as he tries to remember any phone calls, but he suddenly figures that in all of his rush to see her, he had forgotten to grab it from his bed.

“Left my phone at the house,” he offers.

There’s a brief silence where the two of them size each other up, weighing their own motives against what they assume to be the other person’s. Harry speaks first.

“Alani, ‘m really sorry,” he says gently, stepping away from the car and towards her. “I know I fucked up—”

“Harry—”

“But I understand now,” he continues. “I know why you were upset,”

Confusion settles into Alani’s body and she wonders how he could possibly know about her accident. Or if he didn’t know, what else he could be referring to. She doesn’t have to guess for long because Harry continues despite her silence.

“I saw you with him—your boyfriend, I mean. Derek?” he explains. “But not in a creepy way I just.. wanted to talk. Bad timing,”

“Wait,” Alani cuts in, her brain finally sorting out the pieces. “You saw me and David..today?”

Harry feels as if the knife in his chest has been twisted further at the mention of the other man’s name, but he nods. An uncontrollable bubble of laughter finds its way up Alani’s throat, and the sound would typically bring butterflies to his stomach, but it only exacerbates the heartache.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Alani clarifies. “He’s delusional. And a huge pain in the ass, but I think he finally got the hint when I turned him down earlier,”

Harry’s ears perk up at the news, but he’s still wary.

“But you two were—”

“Ancient history,” Alani reassures him, taking another step closer. “He might as well be Socrates,”

A faint smile tugs at the corners of Harry’s lips and he feels a wave of relief wash over his body. The news is music to his ears, but he still wants to know what he had done to make her walk away that night.

“So you weren’t upset because you have a boyfriend and I tried to make a move?”

Alani takes a deep breath, knowing that she has avoided saying her piece long enough. Before she can start, though, a rumble of thunder interrupts her thoughts.

“Can we talk in Stevie? I don’t feel like standing in wet socks again,” she asks, which Harry obliges.

The two climb into the truck and settle in, the atmosphere quickly becoming more intimate than Alani had planned. His vanilla cologne has also become more perceptible in the confined space, and there’s a whiff of spearmint, most likely his gum, that briefly draws her attention to his mouth. She snaps her mind back to the conversation at hand and clears her throat.

“I’m sorry,” she begins, reading his eyes carefully. There’s a faint reassurance behind the emerald surface, so she continues. “For everything that happened last night. You did nothing wrong, please know that,”

Harry wishes he could reach out and comfort her, but he gets the feeling that whatever she’s about to say is important so he doesn’t want to dismiss it.

“It’s hard for me, sometimes, to be around the water,” Alani continues despite the prickling feeling in her eyes. “Because when I was eight years old, I almost drowned,”

The revelation hits Harry like a ton of bricks and all at once he understands. He hadn’t even thought twice about jumping into the water that night, so it didn’t occur to him to rule that out as a possible offense. He understands now that he couldn’t have been more mistaken.

“And I know that has nothing to do with you,” Alani explains, her voice wavering ever so slightly. “Except that it terrified me to think about, you know… if you hadn’t been so lucky,”

Her composure quickly cracks, a single tear spilling down her cheek before she wipes it away with the sleeve of her sweater. This time, Harry does reach a hand out and Alani accepts it gratefully; the warmth of his fingers are a welcome contrast to her icy appendages.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he murmurs as his thumb rubs small circles over the back of her hand.

“But I do,” she sniffles. “Because—”

Alani pauses, unsure of how to finish her thought. Just do what feels right and hope for the best.

“Because I care about you,” she says finally, noticing the way his Adam’s apple bobs at her words.

Harry's jaw tightens at her confession and every muscle in his body longs to bring her close, leaving no inch of space between them, but he lets her lead despite his instincts.

"But it’s also because I care about you that I can’t let this go any further,”

Alani’s words surprise herself just as much as they terrify Harry, but she knows that it’s the right thing to do as soon as it’s done.

“Alani—” Harry starts, all of his worst fears crashing down on him.

“Please, don’t make this harder—”

“Don’t I get a say?” he questions, tightening his grip on her hand, though she still manages to slip away.

Alani runs the free hand through her still damp waves and lets another tear roll down her cheek. “What is there left to say?”

“How about ‘I care about you, too’? How about ‘I want to be with you’?”

“It’s too messy—”

“Everyone has baggage,” Harry defends. “God knows I do, and I would never ask you to carry all of that,”

Alani lets her eyes meet his again; they’re bloodshot and glossy, which sends a pang of guilt and sorrow through her entire body.

“You don’t know what you’re asking,” she reasons, this time thinking not only about her own issues, but about everything—the lies she had told and the ambitions she was still nurturing. She hadn’t given up on her dreams and unless Rolling Stone had suddenly changed their mind about the Joni Mitchell piece, there was only one way she was going to achieve them. Alani hadn’t yet reconciled the fact that she would have to put aside her own feelings for Harry to get what she wanted, but she knew that time would heal the wounds.

“All I want,” he continues. “Is a chance. And I know nothing I do will ever change the past, but two hands make the load lighter. So, please, let me carry some of that with you. Give me a chance,”

As she studies the pleading in his eyes, something stirs deeply inside Alani’s chest. She had started the day thinking only of him, but with selfish intentions. Now, she was trying to do right by him, having realized that she couldn’t have both him and the story that would launch her career. Something would have to give, and Harry deserved more than that. He deserved more than her. Despite all of this awareness, there is something else nagging in the back of her mind that she can’t ignore. Don’t walk away, it screams. If Alani ignored her true feelings for Harry and refused his plea, she would be walking away from someone who believed in her, someone who cared deeply for, and wanted to understand, her. Perhaps the universe truly had brought Harry for a story, but to be a part of hers instead of the one she had been so eager to publish. There would be other chances, just like Dr. Hudson had said, but there would never be anyone else like Harry. So with this in mind, Alani decides to stop walking away and stand still, right in this very moment, with the boy who shined brighter than the sun itself and who had only asked for a chance to make her happy.

“Okay,” she breathes and it’s like the weight of the universe has been lifted from her shoulders.

Harry leans in, their foreheads pressed together gently, and cups her cheek in his hand.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispers.

Alani nods and nudges the tip of his nose with her own. “Please.”

Their lips meet like electrically charged magnets, with a force so natural and strong it sends bolts of electrons through their entire bodies. Harry’s mouth is warm and gentle against hers, and the coolness of his mint gum soothes the searing touch of his kiss. Alani’s fingers glide up his chest and along the sides of his neck, pulling him closer as if he’s the anchor keeping her from floating away into the dark clouds above them. Over and over again, their lips collide fervently, breaths mixing and filling each other’s lungs. Their hands eagerly explore the curves of each other’s faces, the softness of hair, and the occasional heat of exposed skin. Harry is the first to break the kiss, panting lightly as he pulls back to search Alani’s face.

“Y’okay?” he asks.

“Never been better.”

next chapter

[ayyyez]

Hey, could I request some drunk Neji, Kakashi, and Gaara headcanons???

After doing 80+ headcanons for Neji I had a feeling I’d done drunk Neji headcanons before and I had a look and found I have so I’ll link them below but I’ll do some more anyway since I had two requests for it. Ya’ll really wanna see Neji drunk huh? Also it’s really funny because I originally wrote those Neji drunk headcanons 2 years ago when I drank everyday and now I’m writing them when I’m a year sober, like, CAN WE TALK ABOUT GROWTH!?

Anyway some drunk Neji, Kakashi and Gaara headcanons coming your way. (First time writing Gaara so keep that in mind). x 

Drunk Neji public/private headcanonsNeji with drunk s/o headcanonsNeji with drunk and emotional s/o scenario

Neji

-Neji, before he is legally an adult just doesn’t do alcohol for fun or casually, it’s as simple as that. He will do it on formal occasion or for the sake of being respectful when a superior insists he has one (even then he’s reluctant). There’s just something about not being in control that Neji can’t handle. Boy needs to be in control of himself. 

-When he’s an adult he will mellow out a little bit and have the odd drink with his partner or teammates but he rarely gets drunks tbh. For him to get drunk it would have to be in the comfort of the village with people he trusted/knew extremely well. But even then it’s rare. Like so rare that if you miss it, it’s the event not to miss. It would be like missing a rare occurrence such as a meteor shower or what not. 

-Lucky for you if you are his partner because you are the person he is MOST comfortable with so he’ll do it if you happen to be there. It’d likely happen in your home or his (or the one you share). Also because he doesn’t drink much his tolerance is pretty low. He isn’t used to the tingle in his fingers when the alcohol makes him dizzy nor the way his head spins. He hates it and will do 1 of 2 things depending on his mood. 1) be cranky, call it a night and go to bed (cuddle him to make him feel better he is nauseous as feck) or 2) try one more to see what happens. 

-The next drink will loosen him up a bit and won’t feel so out of control even though there is a voice in the back at his mind scolding him. But that’s a tomorrow Neji problem for the Neji that has a stick up his butt and drunk Neji is out to play. And by play I mean stick to you like glue! He get’s really whinny depending on his level. Sometimes it brings up the insecurities in your relationship he tries to hide from you. Please don’t leave me. He’ll plead in your ear (because drunk Neji can be pathetic in front of you but not anyone else there.) But Neji I’m just going to the bathroom. Then again later. I’m just getting you a drink of water. I’m not leaving you. If you laugh at him he’ll remember in the morning and feel worse. Like hungover Neji is worse than sassy Neji because his head is spinning as well as being irritated. Do not prod the beast.

-Drunk Neji’s cheeks are inflamed. As the night progresses it will grow across his face. He has squinty eyes. Thinks activating his Byakugan will help him see. No Neji that’s not how it works, you’re drunk dear. Clutches his cup in his hand so hard it crushes but it’s alright it hasn’t been full in about half an hour. He didn’t know that though and he stares at his hand for a solid 5 seconds. Hold his hand and guide him to a chair. 

-Think he likes giving lectures sober? The drunk ones are more passionate and unrelenting. HE IS RIGHT! Won’t back down from a fight but won’t instigate one either. More of a verbal fighter. When he thinks you two are alone will grab the back of you clothes and fist the material tight between his fingers. Likes running his hands down the small of you back dangerously close to your backside. Will go to lean his forehead against yours but ends up just flopping his head down and smacking his hot skin against yours with a bit of a crack. Apologises and closes his eyes. Drunk Neji becomes sleepy Neji. When you put him to bed because you will need to (he won’t go to bed without you because he can’t leave his side which means you’ll have to shower with him and everything. Hold his head up please.) MUST SPOON HIM OR HE WILL GET UPSET! He’s clingy Neji now, something sober Neji will despise in the morning. 

-Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t look or talk to you in the morning because he is so embarrassed. Tease him at your own peril but say the right thing and he’ll become a flustered mess. Neji won’t throw up while drinking but he might in the morning because he feels awful. He has a migraine. He is going back to bed and never drinking again, how could you let him do this? Grumpy Neji but also Neji needs a spoon again. He won’t be verbal about this. 

Kakashi

-Kakashi can literally be that drunk who sits in the corner quietly and you cannot tell he’s even buzzed. Kind of watches everything with an even more glazed over expression. In the earlier years like original naruto and before, he’s likely to be more of a sad drunk. Just kind of mopey in general but he can’t help it he’s been through a lot. 

-Drinking for Kakashi can come close to becoming a coping mechanism but eventually he will be firm with himself. There were times when he would get really down thinking of the past and all he has lost and just sit leaning against his bed (sitting on the floor) and drink without realising it. He just switches off to the world completely and keeps sipping on the burning sake almost has if he wants to deepen the pain. It’s when he feels he deserves to be punished. He gets to a point where he gains an incredibly strong resolve about changing because he is alive and he needs to make the most of it. Especially when there’s people who need him. 

-As he gets older drinking becomes a way for Kakashi to unwind. He will get a drink with the fellow jonin after a mission or a way of catching up and talking about their students (or former students) which encourages the others to brag. In the period when Naruto is away from the village with Jiraya he will feel a little sad again while drinking with them and feel like he failed his team while the other instructors talk about their teams successes. The moment will pass, usually with him changing the topic in the best aloof manner he can muster and the evening becomes enjoyable again. Sometimes when he carries himself home though his mind will wander back to that sad place except now he distracts himself with Icha Icha. 

-With you drunk Kakashi is different because he has more of a reason to stay distracted and be happier. He isn’t alone anymore so you’ll find him sometimes just staring at you in a hazy gaze with a smile. You have grown to see his smiles beneath the masks, knowing their meaning by looking into his eyes. Kakashi doesn’t have a lot of tells when it comes to revealing emotions but one of the few is his eyes. 

-On the way home and away from prying eyes he will hold onto you and not just some innocent arm around you, no no, there’s intend behind the way he holds you. He needs to confirm that you are his because he can’t quite believe it, almost as though you would disappear from view if he did not hold you close. There’s gripping onto the material of your clothes, sometimes so tight he almost pinches your skin. There’s a head resting on your shoulder if he’s drunk way too much. There’s a bunch of nonsense he’s telling you about how he is sorry you have to deal with this but he’s thankful. He’s still a bit vulnerable in a romantic relationship so he won’t babble “I love you’s” yet (unless you are in bed doing the old frick frack, then one or two might slip). 

-When he’s older Kakashi embraces the old man drunk. Drinking and feeling happy while also giving wisdom out even, if not most especially, when nobody asked for it. Will definitely do this with Guy. After the war Kakashi takes it upon himself to take Guy out for drinks whenever he can, he may also be an excuse to forget about being the Hokage for a moment or two. Guy and Kakashi have silly bar bets and different rival contests that no contain alcohol. It gets wild and this is when Kakashi laughs/smiles the most because drinking isn’t something bad that brings up sadness anymore, it’s something he does with his friends and you. He gets more into it if you tell him that you’re betting on him to win. 

Gaara

-At first he seems exactly the same with his neutral expression and keen eyes looking at the people in the room around him. The only give away without talking to him is his red cheeks. Isn’t the biggest social drinker, except maybe after the war with celebrations, ceremonies, hanging with the other kage etc. But he is also someone who likes to keep a level head and not risk making a fool of himself. Gaara is the king of cool after all (at least shippuden and onward lol). 

-Knows he can get emotional when he drinks so he avoids it when his mood is in turmoil. He makes strategic decisions in life and it’s no different with drinking. There is no dancing on table tops and singing for Gaara. He’s more of an observer then an attention seeker. Will smirk a lot at witnessing other peoples shenanigans. Will even talk Kankuro into doing some ridiculous things then deny it when Temari lectures him. But let’s be real him talking Kankuro into doing something his him saying ‘Should I do this?’ and Gaara saying ‘Yes.’ Then all hell breaks loose. 

-Can be a little awkward around you if he doesn’t know you to well. He is still quiet and reserved but more likely to keep a conversation going. If he is with you then it’s still similar but every now and again he will whisper something sweet in your ear or clue you in on an observation he made of someone around you two. If there was ever need of a designated driver he would volunteer because drinking isn’t that important for him. 

-Is the type to have a drink or two after a long mission or day of work especially as the hokage. Keeps a bottle in the bottom draw of his desk. At one point the bottle is a gift from Tsunade after the war. He splits this bottle with Naruto sometimes when he visits. More of a slow and steady drinker than a fast and crash. Gets drunk at a steady pace so he still feels in control but extremely relaxed and able to let go of his usual stresses. Doesn’t really get nausea from a hangover either but will get a mild headache. Temari will yell at him in the morning to instil the consequences of his actions into him. If he’s with you he will just stay in bed a little longer and will either hold you or have an arm connected with you for comfort. 

-Not a fan of shots but will never back down from proving himself if it’s with either you or Kankuro. Probably Kankuro though and that’s usually the one way Gaara can get drunk. Kankuro can hold his alcohol but so can Gaara and they start swaying in their seats and come close to passing out before a winer is decided. Gaara does a good job at keeping himself composed and tries not to speak when he knows his slurring. Speaks really slowly with extreme concentration in an attempt to cover how drunk he is.  

[maiselous]

Two Comics

Sorry, I just have to get this out of my system. So I wanted to just spit out some short one-shot, but it kept growing. 

If ya love it/hate it, hopefully it inspires more folks to write/draw/create more Maisel stuff in general. 

This is set-up right after the bar scene in 2x10. Our two sad comedians share a cab and end up at his place bc Midge wants to sober the man up (ie take care of him. :’) Ugh he so vulnerable.)

His apartment is small, but more put together than Midge thought it would be. She lets him know, and he says “Well I’m not here enough to make a mess of this place, so I gotta do it on the road.”

“Well regardless of what’s in your house, at the end of the day all you need is good coffee and good company,” she says as she rummages around his kitchenette for his coffeemaker. Under the sink. Bingo.

“Words of wisdom,” Lenny murmurs as he plops down on the small sofa beneath the living room’s only window. The rain won’t let up, and they’re still both a little soaked. “Was that Groucho Marx?”

“Karl, actually. Even the communists enjoy a cup of good joe.” she quips. Lenny cracks half a smile. He loves bantering with Midge. It’s easy, not forced. When they met he could see from a distance that she was formidable, commanding the attention of the whole room and spinning her crazy life into a tragic comedy. Up close she was just as charismatic, but warmer. 

“Nice and hot for you,” she brings over his coffee and sits next to him.

“Many thanks. You likely saved me from blacking out at my least favorite dive downtown, and for that I’m eternally grateful.” He doesn’t meet her eye. He’s probably not capable yet. 

As he sips on the mug, Midge’s thoughts linger on that last part. She’s grateful to him too. They’ve helped each other a lot over time. It’s been about a year since she met him, drunk in the back of that police car. God, how things have changed. Between them though, things haven’t changed that much. If he were anyone else, she’d feel indebted to him. But, she tells herself, he’s her good friend. She likes that she doesn’t have to keep up some perfect impression around him, especially since he’s so big in the industry. At the same time, she doesn’t have to slow down for him to catch up. He just gets it. She always felt like they were on the same page.

____________

They’re relaxed on the sofa, listening to the rain. At least, Lenny’s relaxed. Midge is sitting upright and her hands are firmly on her lap. Of course he doesn’t want her to be uncomfortable. Now he feels a little insecure. They rode together because she offered to see him home; a classic Midge Maisel move. She was concerned because she’d never seen him so down, and he had too much to drink. He doesn’t say it, but no one’s offered to take care of him in a long time. And now she’s here, hesitant. He understands, but is slightly disappointed. He always thought they were on the same page. 

____________

Midge can tell Lenny’s the type who enjoys silence. For her, silence makes too much room for her thoughts to take over, and they are beginning to do just that. ‘Is this okay? What would other people say? Do I care? Should I be here?’ She looks over at Lenny, and all her questions are answered: Yes it’s okay, no one cares what people think, and this is exactly where I should be.

He hangs his head back against the sofa and closes his eyes, which makes his hair sparkle with the lingering rain droplets. There’s a larger one floating just above his ear and she instinctively reaches to wipe it away. Suddenly her hand is there, fingers resting on the side of his face while her thumb rubs the water away.

This sends a quick shock throughout Lenny, but he plays it cool, reacting slowly because he is Lenny Bruce after all (and he’s still a little drunk). Wearily, he rotates his head to face her. Her hand is now cradling his cheek. He looks right at her--lazily and intensely at the same time, as if he literally can’t help but to focus on her because she’s the only thing in the world to look at.

Midge, strangely, is reassured. He’s still his exhausted, gentle self. He’s not some man who would think she’s leading him on or force her to see this through. His eyes are far more resigned. If they could talk, they would say “What are you doing to me?” And she wouldn’t have an answer, but she does love the way his skin feels.

They stay still there, not wanting to shatter the moment. Same page.

But Midge looks at his eyes and feels a palpable need to say what she thinks of him. “You deserve,” she begins just above a whisper. “So many good things.”

Lenny knows she’s referencing their conversation at the bar earlier, but it still felt like more. Beyond the warrants, the comedy career, beyond the baggage that comes with it. It’s something good friends wish for each other. Even so, somehow, it still felt like more. He pressed his head more into her hand. “You think that I could deserve you?”

Midge brings her other hand up so now she’s holding his face with both hands. She caresses his jaw and slowly lowers her hands to the base of his neck. She leans in, and a slow smile crosses her face. “Always and everywhere.” Lenny tries not to smile at the memory of that off-hand comment at the Gaslight. It seems so long ago. 

She closes the remaining space between them with a kiss. They never really act this way with each other. The subdued wit, the quieter voices, the slow movements. It seems out of character for New York’s most dynamic comedians. At the same time it feels exactly, perfectly right.

Lenny kisses her back. His hands, which just put down the coffee mug on the table in front of them, find their way to her waist. He pulls her closer to him, which makes her catch her breath. He hesitates for a moment, wanting to make sure she’s comfortable, and she presses herself more firmly against him. 

Their movements are not slow anymore. She lets her shoes falls to the floor as she curls her legs up on the sofa. He squeezes her waist even more, and she she opens her mouth for him. 

If Midge could see herself in the mirror, she would panic. Her hair has been undone by the rain. Her makeup’s practically gone and her dress is still damp. She would never have planned it this way. But Lenny kisses her more and more deeply and she cares less and less about her looks. He finally grabs her and brings her on top of him. She opens her eyes to find him looking at her directly. He looks intoxicated, but not in the way he was earlier.

And of course Lenny is entranced. He's wondering what the Hell he did to deserve Miriam Maisel, his favorite mad divorcee from the Upper West Side to straddle him on his sofa in his tiny downtown apartment. He says none of this, obviously. Meanwhile, Midge traces a line of kisses across his forehead. They’re tender and light. She’s not used to this. Even in bed, she’s always been the ‘cool girl’, making moves she thinks her man would like. This right here though, is for her.

Her lips make their way to his neck, and when she uses her tongue to move back up to his ear, he shudders and moans as if he’s been holding it in for a long time. Midge is sure it’s the best sound she’s ever heard. She finds other ways to make him utter that sound again. His roaming grip tightens and loosens with each movement; her back, her ass, her arms, her hair, all for him to explore. 

Midge stops to catch her breath and realizes just how undone she is. Her hair is falling in her face, her dress is falling off her shoulder, and the area around her mouth feels red and raw from pressing against his stubble. She doesn’t give a shit. She sees that Lenny isn’t much better. His hair is frizzy and disheveled, and his clothes are beyond wrinkled. She begins to sigh, but it comes out as a laugh. A grin spreads across his face too. “Oh, this is what it takes to make you really laugh, huh? Am I funny now?” He pretends to be offended. She laughs harder, which he loves. “This was it all along, huh?” Midge falls into him laughing and she breathes in his scent deeply. She feels him hold her a little tighter, and she wonders if he’s gotten her second-hand drunk, if that’s even possible, or if maybe she’s just deliriously content. 

_______________

They continue their ‘conversation’ for hours. On the sofa, in his bed, on the floor, in the doorway. It’s rhythmic, satisfying, and occasionally really loud. It’s determined, varied, and fucking exquisite. It feels like a perfect comedy routine on stage: performative and fun but also natural and fluid. 

It’s punctuated by long, sleepy silences. As they lay together on his mattress, Midge rests her head on his chest. Lord only knows what time it actually is, but she measures the seconds with the quick thump-thump of his heartbeat. The rhythm, along with the distant police siren and orange glow from the street lights outside, remind her that they’re still in New York, on some weeknight, in reality. 

Lenny lightly traces circles up and down her back, absentmindedly stroking the marks where her brassiere was. He thinks about where they were just hours ago, and how he opened up to her at the bar. Midge told him everything would be okay, and God, in this moment, she was more right than she could’ve known.

She’s not looking at his face, but she can feel him begin to smile and even laugh. “Two comics walk into a bar...”

That set-up suddenly seems absurdly real. She laughs and continues smiling, thinking about their conversation earlier at that bar. Midge recalls that question Lenny asked earlier: is it worth it? She was so doubtful only hours ago. Laying here next to him, feeling his fingers on her back and his heartbeat under her cheek, she knows her answer is yes.

[octranslations]

Haiiro no Ginka Volume 49

Haiiro no Ginka vol. 49 December 2010

Translation Credits:

Gansonaki Kaoruya - Cammie Die Meisyo De Meisyu - Cammie Rick Meets THE UNWAVERING FACT OF TOMORROW TOUR 2010 Nora Meets THE UNWAVERING FACT OF TOMORROW TOUR 2010 Shinya Dr. nemunemu no daigyakusyu - Risu Toshiya Aibiki no Mori - Risu Mu No Koufuku, Sanretsusha To Kubi/Happiness of Nothing The Assembled Neck - kirei_hukkatsu edited by Cammie

Gansonaki Kaoru-ya

Is everyone doing all right?  This is Kaoru who became exhausted from drinking and fell asleep in the dressing room during KORN's show.

Now, we returned to Japan and our Japan tour has just about begun. This time, for personal things, I've changed my set up for monitor and I feel refreshed. There are still improvements and need to work harder, but I think I can continue on with a good feel. By the way, for 10/28 Shinkiba, Rick didn't arrive to the venue until 2 hours before the show, and I didn't know what was going to happen. From now on, we'll be touring the western area, so I wonder how that will go.  I look forward to it and I will do my best!

And the single is finally getting released.  We've made you guys wait for a long time. The song itself was recorded around spring this year, but as we thought about our schedule and decided on the release, it took more time since our previous work. And we're reconstructing the beginning SE part for OBSCURE, so once that's done, I guess we can use it for the tour right away.

Also, for recent things I've done, I've been writing songs, watching films, and getting stabbed for places where my ink isn't finished. This is something trivial, but I have an urge to eat liver sashimi 1.  I can eat it every day. But since it's too much of a hassle to go eat, I haven't eaten any at all.  I'll eat it in Fukuoka.

There isn't much content, but around the next issue, I'll work hard in the making so that I can talk about the album! So see ya! Recently, I watched the film, "The Boy in Striped Pajamas".  Please watch it. I want to go watch "Lemmy".

Translator’s Note 1. Liver sashimi or ???? (leba sashi) is cow liver sliced thinly like sashimi, which is served with salt or sesame oil.

Meisyo de Meisyu

DIR EN GREY ambassador.  Many times the staff overseas describes Die this way, and even during this summer's U.S. tour, he spent the days doing "meisyo de meishu (drinking good sake at famous places) with his friends".  Yet these scenes are fishy from the actual person's memory.   This time, I, Yuichi Masuda, who went out to drink together in London during the U.K. tour, and who tripped on the street with blood running from the forehead, which was witnessed by him (Die), will report as much as I can remember.

After the show, there was an after show party hosted by the local radio station at the venue, and we drank together with APOCALYPTICA members and staff and had a pleasant chat.  Cellist Eicca said, “My body is finally getting used to this tour and I’m gradully getting into better shape.”  That night Die saw APOCALYPTICA’s stage from the beginning to the end for the first time, and he told them, “The live was full of waves and I didn’t get tired of watching.”   Eicca and the other members smiled in satisfaction.  However, the one who increases strangeness after being drunk is one of the band’s founder and cellist Perttu.  As Die said, “He looks like he can show up in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean,’” the other cellist and the eldest member Paavo (who has a routine of jogging around the venue surrounding before the live) laughed, “No, he’s more Jack Sparrow than the actual Jack Sparrow.”  But this Pirate Perttu who is usually cool and destructive on stage, was quite worn out that night.

In between sound check, Die, Kaoru, Perttu, and Paavo had a discussion style interview.  This will be shown on the music magazine December issue of “Player”, which was released on 11/2, so don’t miss out.  Naturally, everyone was sober during the interview.  THe conversation went into a broad area, but parts like, “We’re bands that aren’t tied down in genre,” “It feels strange for a Finnish band and Japanese band to tour together in the U.S. and speak in English,” and “Let’s do something interesting together some day” came into agreement.  From Perttu’s mouth, a word of wisdom was said: “By doing aggressive music, I’m able to maintain peace within myself.”

Die took Jeremy, a local friend that came to see the live, to a pub nearby the venue.  He originally was a staff for BULLETS AND OCTANE, and he now has a job affiliated to Minnesota Timberwolves, which is a NBA team based in Minneapolis.  On the actual day, there was a local Twins game in the baseball field, so the place was like a sports bar.  For the game, Twins lost after extra innings.  Yet regardless of the result, the local people continued their boisterous drinking party, and the two of them also fitted right in and continued to talk.

1 month after the U.S. tour, on 10/16 late night, Die was drinking together with Roy Mayorga and Ray Luzier in the city of Giroppon (Roppongi).  The first person is a drummer for STONE SOUR and the second person is the drummer for KORN, and this party was held after the first night of “LOUD PARK 10” ended, which DIR EN GREY also attended.  Die told Roy, “Our drummer  Shinya is very inspired by you.”  Then, he (Roy) answered back, “I’m honored.  But what is the meaning of that Shinya being absent (laughs)?”  As I explained, “It’s late at night and he is probably ‘nemunemu’ (sleepy head),” but I could not make him understand this.  In this global drinking party, it continued until dawn while expanding the circle of people.  At 7 in the morning next day, Roy was supposed to be leaving for departure from the hotel, but as usual (?), he didn’t get any sleep and he went inside the car as if nothing was wrong.  He was indeed a world-class “master of Meisyo de Meisyu”.

As I got the report from Mr. Masuda, I conducted a questionnaire to Die in-between planning meeting about the various scenes!

-According to Mr. Masuda’s memo... “There was a live on 9/1 House of Blues in Chicago.  After the show, there was an after-show party hosted by the local radio station where you were drinking together with the APOCALYPTICA members and staff,”but is there a party like this every time the live is over? Die: If there was time, there was always a party.  And another party!  The night view in Las Vegas was electrifying!

-On that night, Die-san saw APOCALYPTICA’s stage from the beginning to the end for the first time, but what kind of live was it? Die: This love~ this love?

- “On 9/21, there was a live in Minneapolis.  In-between sound check, Die, Kaoru, Perttu, and Paavo had a discussion style interview conducted.”  This was the interview on “Player” (December issue)  that was released on 11/2.  After doing an interview with the members of APOCALYPTICA for the first time, how was it? Die: They’re serious.

- There is a memo that says, “Naturally, they were all sober during the interview” (laughs), but do you drink a lot with the other band during overseas TOUR? Die: For this tour, I had the chance to drink with Rick a lot.  I can never forget the night of Boston; when the live was over, Rick was in a really good mood, and he took me to a BAR, and we drank down Jägermeister.  The next day, I was throwing up until the live was about to start, and even when I took the medicine the staff prepared, I would throw up right away.  Fear Jäger power (?’ 3’)=3 burp

-During the interview, you guys talked from the perspective of “genre” and “country”, but before this discussion, did you have this kind of deep talk with the APOCALYPTICA members? Die: I don’t remember because I was drunk.

-  Here, I would like to ask something more general, but what is something fun for Die-san during the overseas TOUR?

Die: ???

-On the contrary, is there something tough or sad?

Die: …(- _ -)

-When you TOUR around together with another band, is there something you feel when you spend your days with them?

Die: They really love Jäger.

- Mr. Masuda’s memo says, “After the Minneapolis live was over, Die took Jeremy, a local friend that came to watch the show, to a pub nearby the venue”... but how long have you known Mr. Jeremy?  His photo actually has appeared on vol. 41! Die: I met him in 2006 during the “FAMILY VALUES TOUR”.  Since then, every time we come to do a U.S. tour, he would come and see us.

- He “now has a job affiliated  to Minnesota TImberwolves, which is a NBA team based in Minneapolis.” right? Die: Yes.

-Die-san also likes baseball right? Die: V4 didn’t come true1.

-Now, there is one more thing remaining.  “Extra.  1 month after the U.S. tour was over, on 10/16 late night, Die was drinking with Roy Mayorga and Ray Luzier in the city of Giroppon (Roppongi).  The first person is a drumer for STONE SOUR and the second person is the drummer for KORN, and this party was held after the first night of “LOUD PARK 10” ended, which DIR EN GREY also attended.”  That must’ve been quite a night with these great people, but how did this happen? Die: From Roy’s words: “Meet at Roppongi.”

-It seems that Shinya-san became a topic of conversation while speaking with Mr. Roy...?

Die: I was drunk and I don’t remember.  Sorry, Shinya-san.

-You met KORN’s drummer, Mr. Ray, for the first time, but how did that go?

Die: He’s quiet and kind.

-On the LOUD PARK 10 website’s video  comment, KORN’s Mr. Jonathan mentioned “DIR EN GREY” for the artist he wanted to watch at LOUD PARK! Die: Jonathan’s favorite songs is “?-saku -.

-Die-san, you had a chance to speak with Mr. Jonathan backstage, but what kind of things did you talk about?

Die: MM

-As Die-san continues to drink with members and staff whom you did an overseas TOUR together, how do you communicate with other bands?  If there are any secrets... Die: Power of Jäger.

-Lastly, there was something I was curious about Mr. Masuda’s memo: “Recently, during the UK tour in London, I drank together, tripped on the street   and my forehead was bleeding... All this was witnessed by him”... What exactly happened (laughs)? Die: He also must have been attacked by a Jäger bomb.  By the time I looked back, he fell over face-down w(°o°)w Be careful, Masuda-san!

-This was “Meisyo de Meisyu” overseas.  Will this still continue here on after?  I look forward from here on after on who you will have a “Meisyo de Meisyu”.

Die:

Translator’s Note 1. Die is referring to the Japanese baseball team, Yomiuri Giants that could not make V4 (winning 4 times in a row for a baseball series).

For the domestic TOUR that started on 10/15, we welcomed our PA and tour manager Rick and translator Nora-san whom we are familiar with from the overseas TOUR.

For these 2 people that know DIR EN GREY overseas, we conducted a sudden interview to find out about the difference from Japan. RICK meets THE UNWAVERING FACT OF TOMORROW TOUR 2010

—Participating on this Japanese TOUR, is there any difference you feel between Japan and overseas, Rick-san?

For me, the biggest difference was the schedule.  Japan is very organized about it.  For example... We will be doing this at this time.  The U.S. is very flexible and depending on the situation, we have to make adjustments.  Also, the number of staff involved!  For the TOUR in U.S., we tour with the members, myself, and 2 techs, but there are around 30 people for staff for the TOUR in Japan...  That may be the biggest difference.

— I see.  Is there a clear difference between the staff overseas and Japan?

There are many things with LIVE overseas where there are many promoters, and with those people, we of course have a proper FES or not have one.  For example, when we went to SONISPHERE FESTIVAL in the U.K. this time, everything was displayed well and it was easy to work, but DOWNLOAD was a FES in the same U.K., but I did not have a good feeling with the affiliates and the local staff, and there were many problems.  On that point, LOUD PARK that was just held in Japan was a good environment and the staff were good and perfect!  Production is Japan is perfect.  I feel that the characteristic of Japan is being too perfect...

—I can see how the Japanese characteristic is showing up (laughs).  From Rick-san’s perspective, are there any difference between members overseas and in Japan?

(Laughs).  Everyone is basically the same!  Comparing to the members whom I met 4 years ago, there are parts where they grew up.  Die became very sociable and he is very active interacting with everyone.  I guess Kaoru changed the most.  He was so serious!  But now, he interacts with everyone.  For example, he changed when he orders a meal at a restaurant.  He now starts talking to local people.  Before, he would talk through Nora, but recently since they have been able to do things on their own more, I guess there is a part where they are getting used to the actual place (overseas).  At first they seemed timid but their personality is basically the same whether they are overseas or Japan.  I think they are starting to understand how to live every day overseas.  

—So the members’ performing does not change whether they are in Japan or overseas... right?

Yep!  They play 100 percent overseas or Japan!  They are completely ROCK(ing) out on stage.  There really is no difference.  Of course, Japan may be better for stage, equipment, lighting, and staging, but I guess that is it.  Overseas, there is a budget issue, and many times we cannot do things completely, but as a band, their standing towards LIVE remains the same.  

—The conversation is going to digress a little bit but... Rick-san, you have come to Japan numerous times and what do you think of the country?

This is my 11th time coming to Japan but I love it very much!  When I applied for visa, I had to find out how many times I went to Japan before and I took a look at my old passport to find out that I went to Japan 14 times.  I first came here in 1985 with a band called KEEL, but Japan during that time is different from today.  Now, foreigners can live here more easily.  Japanese are very polite, quick, and many people like to be tidy, so I’m always inspired by them.  Ah, and the food in Japan is wonderful.

—Going back to what we talked before... How is the live house in Japan for Rick-san?  You must have experience with the live house capacity we are touring this time in overseas too.

Overall, the venue equipment is better in Japan.  The 2000 seat capacity venue is incomparable between Japan and U.S.!  For a 2000 capacity venue, the band in the U.S. needs to bring in their PA, lighting equipment when they go on TOUR.  Really, live house with this capacity in the U.S. doesn’t have equipment built in (laughs).  What I thought of Shinkiba STUDIO COAST is that this equipment is the best in the world!! Regarding PA!!  With FES(tival), we are using places that have a good equipment set up so I have an easy time working with it, but between the equipments  in small venues in Japan and U.S., there is a real difference.  Even if you compare Europe to Japan, the level (of equipment) is still below.  

—So for Rick-san, Japan is very easy to work!!  Is that what you are trying to say?

Of course!! If I just tweak on the (PA) board, it’s perfect (laughs).

—What do  you think of the TOUR environment in Japan?  You always have to stay and sleep on the bus for overseas as you TOUR various major cities...

Japan is... I guess the move can be pretty annoying (laughs).  In the U.S., we’re on the bus the whole time and at times it can be tough, but there is an environment that allows us to have our own time; and, despite the small space, we can just spend the way there where we can rest when we want to, play games when we want to, and it feels like we’re on TOUR together with our home.  When we return to the bus, sleep, and wake up, we would be in a different city (laughs).  Since we can use the Internet on the bus, they are able to know what is going on in Japan too. Although when we go to mountain areas, the connection gets lost.  The world is becoming a smaller place because of the Internet.  Even if you are apart from your family, if you have the Internet, you can contact them.  My role overseas is to reserve hotels, and including TOUR planning, I don’t really know whether I’m a manager or a sound tech (laughs).  From touring many cities for many hours with the members all over the world, I feel that they know their circumstance no matter how many staff there are, and they know what needs to be done.  We went to Russia for the first time this year and it was really great.  With that in mind, I’m going to say again that Japan is an easy place to do!

—Even when I listen to what you’re saying, I understand that Japan is a fortunate environment.  No matter how much the environment changes, in a good way, DIR EN GREY will always be DIR EN GREY!  Now this is going to be the last part, so I would like a word from Rick-san for the members!

I always say this to the members: “Keep it heavy” (laughs).  I appreciate being able to come to Japan with DIR EN GREY as a reason, and after being together with them for few years, we were able to gain many experiences and I really appreciate them.  Coming to Japan this time, there were old songs that I heard for the first time, and there were songs that I thought, “That’s cool.”  The old songs were created just as good as the current songs, so in a good way, it’s something that’s unchanging for them.  That’s important.  I don’t want them to be sidetracked from what they want to do where it should be likely of DIR EN GREY.  I look forward to the next album and what is to come in the future!

—Thank you very much during your busy time!

Ah, this is a question but... why is the venue in Japan so hot (laughs)?  Isn’t there any air conditioner?

NORA meets THE UNWAVERING FACT OF TOMORROW TOUR 2010

—Participating on the Japanese TOUR this time, is there any difference between Japan and overseas, Nora-san?

There is no difference with staging.  There is difference with equipment and lighting, but basically, the atmosphere overseas and Japan are completely the same.  The members may feel more weight overseas, but on stage, that doesn’t affect them.

—Are you saying that they are themselves whether they’re overseas or Japan?

Basically, yes.  But for the members, the most difficult part is language barrier.  I don’t think Rick is concerned too much about it, but Rick and the people over there will directly tell the members, “This was good today.”  Everyone says this in a straightforward manner and the members receive it the same way, and I think that is a very stimulating thing too.  At times they may not understand the words, but the people’s reaction and action are conveyed to them.  At first, the members wouldn’t even try to communicate to the people overseas; but recently, even when they don’t know the language, they smile or greet where they’re able to have some communication.  There’s also a member that is studying hard to learn the language (laughs).  The bands that tour with them overseas are also interested in Japanese culture, and the members see that the other people are trying to understand them, so I think that’s why they are being like “Let’s try to communicate!”  Despite the language barrier or feel stressed on a personal level, at the actual site, they don’t let that show.  I’m amazed how they’re doing a normal TOUR no different from Japan.

—Rick-san mentioned this too, but they’re doing the things they need to do 100 percent no matter where they are, which is why there’s no difference. Now, is there any difference with fans?  Is there something Nora-san sees where you feel, “This is different!”?

The members get asked about the difference between Japanese and overseas fans a lot, but I think the passion towards DIR EN GREY is the same for both.  If I were to raise one thing it would be the way they get into the LIVE.  For example, the Japanese fans don’t do this, but around the beginning of “dead tree”, the U.S. and overseas fans would be dancing! I’ve never seen that in Japan, so that would be a clear difference.  It seems likely of Japanese... They are very quiet for quiet songs.  They try to react by matching to the style of the song.  Also, the unity of Japanese fans is amazing!

—Rather than enjoying individually, there may be an aspect where they enjoy the unity.

Yes.  But I think the love towards the band is the same.

—So from what Nora-san sees, is there any difference between the members in Japan and overseas?

H-m... I don’t think the members themselves change, but since the environment is different, the members act differently.  For example, everyone is living in a small space overseas.  That would be different in Japan. When we’re overseas, Rick or myself take care of everything for the members, so we can see how they are but... When I’m in Japan, I work separately from the members, so I don’t know too much, but observing the current atmosphere, I feel that the atmosphere in Japan is heavier.

—Rather than “heavy”, is it more “serious”?

Yes!!  Japan is home for them too.  I don’t think they are yearning for perfection overseas... Not for staging but towards their environment. The lifestyle is completely different from Japan, so there is a feel where they are doing their best at a different environment.  In Japan, since this is their home, they’re tyring to exert the greatest thing so I think that’s why they’re being serious.  So there isn’t anything different about the members and it has to do with the difference of environment.  

— They’re uncompromising because they��re from Japan.  Perhaps that’s why from Nora-san’s eyes, they seem to have a “heavy” atmosphere.  Do you feel that way with the members approach towards the Japanese fans?

Basically, their stance towards the fans don’t change, but I can really understand how the Japanese fan is their base.  No matter how tired he may be after a LIVE, Toshiya will be writing a DIARY (entry), and he may be thinking all day about what photo to post and then take the actual photos.  Everyone constantly checks the news in Japan and they want to show them where they’re going, so they would take photos for the newsletter or report their first-time experience even when they’re away (laughs).

They get inspired when they go overseas and I think they’re digesting what they have experienced so that they create songs for the fans.  They may be away from home, but I think they are getting inspired in order to create good songs and then return to Japan.  No matter how many times they go overseas, the first place they release their CD is in Japan!

—I’m going to change the topic, but what left you an impression while you were touring around Japan?

That would definitely by LOUD PARK for LIVE.  There was a lot of hard work but it left me an impression.  The LIVE left me an impression but the audience left a bigger impression.  People that weren’t fans of DIR EN GREY were watching their stage seriously.  This is the same as the FES overseas and TOUR that they aren’t headlining, and I always try to find people watching them that aren’t fans.  LOUD PARK this time is the same as the festival overseas, and it has made me think that there may be people that newly became fans.  Personally, being able to watch the stage from the beginning to start was very good for me.  When I’m overseas I have to communicate about the monitor, so I can only see them from the side and listen to the first 3 songs, and I have never seen them on stage properly!  This time I was able to watch them for the first time and I was able to experience what the audience feel.  

— What were your thoughts after watching them properly?

Well—  They’re great after all (laughs).  It’s intense watching them from the side, but I could feel the heaviness that Rick always says.  I watched them from the front; the lighting and staging were great, and I was finally  able to see what DIR EN GREY wanted to convey.  Also, when I saw “VINUSHKA” during LOUD PARK, when Kyo raised his hand, everyone on the floor also raised their hands... I was very moved.  I felt great unity too.  You can’t really see that overseas!!

— This is going to be the last part but please tell us your thoughts about this TOUR!

Thank you very much for letting me follow the Japanese tour as staff! Watching the staff supporting the band under different circumstance from overseas and  feeling the passion from Japanese fans directly, I felt moved and refreshed.  I learned a lot from watching DIR EN GREY from the front since I usually watch them from the side.  I really want the members to work hard in Japan and overseas!  I look forward to the next place where another challenge awaits them, and it’s a pleasure working with them.        

ShinyaDr. nemunemu no daigyakusyu

Hello everyone. This is Nemunemu and let's begin today. So I am currently writing this [column] in the fall. Speaking of Fall, it's a season of the palate. So this time for this year's custom tradition of hunting for taste/food, I went and picked chestnuts.

Indeed it looks like a town where chestnuts fall. Dr. Nemunemu's wild/animal instinct is at work. As you normally walk on a road you'd immediately see chestnuts on the roadside!

But my relief was still early. When I went for a closer look,

As expected crows or something had eaten everything inside and left the cone/burrs. But of course just knowing that there are chestnuts in this town is already a big catch/harvest. As I walked further on the road, there were more fallen chestnuts.

But of course this area has a terrain where crows can easily land so as expected only cones/burrs were left.

When I walked further I discovered a place that looked like an animal trail.

Nemunemu's wild/animal instinct suddenly pinged so I went further deeper into the trail. Then of course there it was!

A huge amount of chestnuts.

Of course it was still in an untouched condition.

I immediately started picking. But here I realized a big mistake as Nemunemu. I forgot my cotton work gloves eventhough I was going to pick chestnuts. Since I had no work gloves I used my bare hands to take the chestnuts out of the cone/burrs, I only picked as much until my hands hurt a lot.

So I brought the chestnuts home but I didn't know how to prepare/cook it so when I was staring at the chestnut, I drew on it without thinking.

This is a slime.

Since I drew a slime, I couldn't help but draw this.

This is King Slime. The Royal Order ring is the just the right size. Then I couldn't stop and I drew faces on all of the chestnuts that I picked.

That night in my dream I was attacked by chestnuts.

And so I will end this Nemunemu column here. This time since drawing faces on the chestnuts attacked my physical vigor there won't especially be any presents. I am accepting your comments so write down your member id, address, name, age, telephone number, Nemenumu Hakase no Daigyakyusu comment (better if long) and send it to ?105-8799 Nihon Yuubin Shiba Shitendome "a knot" Nemunemu kuri no kakari. The previous winner is No.XXXXX XXXXX-san. Congratulations.

Toshiya Aibiki no Mori

This time I am posting pictures that weren't posted in the Korea, Russia, England, North America DIARY. Well here it is!

1 This is personally the first time I felt that Yakiniku is delicious in Korea 2 This is the town that I saw from the hotel where we stayed in. 3  I ate breakfast with Ms.NAMIKI

1 This is the borscht and blini caviar that we ate at Moscow Airport. But ikura (salmon roe) came out... It seems that in Russia, cavier is a generic term for fish eggs. 2 It seems that Saint Petersburg Airport is written?! 3 Underneath the lobby table at the hotel where we were staying were black painted matryoshkas...

1 500yen water sold at Narita Airport. 2 Shrimp that I ate at SPARKS STEAK HOUSE. 3 Everyone ate while do a meeting. 4 Mr.CARL who did/sold the merchandise during this North America tour.

5 Japan's shame 6 Wonder if you can still ride this? 7 8 Parfait and hamburger that I ordered in LAS VEGAS.

9 Ramen that I ate in LAS VEGAS. 10 11 This is Red Bull. On the right is the 275yen size sold in Japan. On the left is the real/indiluted RED BULL. 12 LAS VEGAS nightscape

13 Exercise machine that I bought at the mall. 14 15 This is frozen durian. Probably not going to eat this again. 16 We chartered (laughs)

1 Arrived in the airport, this is Mr.HARUNA and Mr.GEORICE inside the car on the way to the hotel. 2 As for the hotel room, Mr.Shinya and I were in the same room but when we entered the room there was only one bed... 3 House in front of the hotel.

4 This is dinner. The pasta here is the best! It was so good that Mr.Shinya and I went to eat there after. 5 After this Mr.GEORGE will be picked up by the police...

1 After I came back home I went and watched METALLICA. 2 3 For several years I've been suffering from tenosynovitis [inflammation of the tendon sheath].Thanks to Ms.OKADA's needles [acupuncture], I could do the TOUR.

Well, this year is already over. Have you listened to "Warushawa no Gensou"? I think that we will also deliver new songs next year so please wait!

So, let's meet on the next "Aibiki no Mori"! Have a great year!!

Mu no koufuku, Sanretsusha to kubi/ Happiness of nothing, the assembled and the neck

I am different... I am not here... I wonder if I have fever, my eyes are getting swollen I feel as if I am drunk or have caught a cold I don’t know I, who understand the fact of what I’m doing, but kill time with indifference I am not trying to justify myself There are no lies in my feelings/in what I feel

My neck has gotten stiff

Now I am floating Now I am floating The mind floats and raises the body Summer is hot The sweat is bitter, I'm tired of it now Fusion in confusion, there is nothing

Mr.Sun, won't you please melt the ideals and the reality, which cannot go on as they would like to?

From neck to bottom, maybe I am just a flesh now. I don’t understand my mind. Who is it? Is it me? I don't know, but it's probably me... No,  you do understand right? Yes I understand and what I need to do hasn’t changed. I'll hold myself from answering my own questions about what I should do from now on.

So now I wish to rest1 Good night

Translator’s Note 1. The rest here also implies that he wants to have a temporary break from what he is doing right now.

[helvenandgrey]

Drunk Headcanons

Because I keep rewatching the beach episode of Helluva Boss and drunk Moxxie brings me life, it also gave me ideas as to how everyone here acts while drunk.

LONG post below because I had too much fun writing these.

Shade: She has the highest tolerance, and very rarely is she ever seen drunk. The few times she has been people rarely tell the difference, but the real difference is she is SLIGHTLY more talkative (going from barely talking to maybe saying something once an hour when not in conversation). Because of her stoic reputation, and the fact that she rarely talks and doesn’t slur when drunk (she appears to be perfectly sober even if she manages to reach shitfaced levels), people take her drunk observations as nuggets of wisdom for some reason. There have been a few moments when someone told her she bestowed her half-high-elven wisdom upon them or must be a fae guardian (because cheekbones) and she has no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. One time, because she’d said something like “it’s is bland and flavorless” about her ale, someone thought she was talking about their life choices because they mentioned mine work to be boring right before, then they popped in the next day and announced to Shade that they decided to pursue being a polka-playing bard instead to “bring flavor into” their lives due to her wise words.

Careil: You thought this girl was full of herself before? You ain’t seen nothing. While she has a high tolerance that rivals Shades due to Sindarians being renowned for their wine, she is more likely to et drunk due to overestimating her own tolerance. Her already high confidence grows to join the heavens, and drunk Cari finds it fun to flirt with any and everyone and “promise to take marriage proposals seriously and give you an answer upon the ‘marrow” since this ace baby winds up making herself a little harem of men who wish to be her life mate and get under her skirts (which won’t happen until marriage due to tradition and her not caring about sex in general). By morning she usually forgets and gets surrounded and asked about her choice, to wich she takes great pleasure in telling them that none are good enough for the position of her life mate and proceeds to leave town with her chin high and confidence boosted more than usual for that day.

Mili: Is surprisingly lazy. The normally active Tiefling gets sleepy, cuddly, clingy, or all three at once. This usually results in her usual distaste for being touched by anyone outside of her close-knit circle to break down and she will initiate contact be trying to climb sorta-friends backs for piggy back rides or trying to sleep in sorta-friends laps, shoulders, anything. She’s like a clingy cat. If there is no one she views as even a sorta-friend nearby she will be grouchy and hide in a corner to sleep until a friend comes to fetch her. Without telling any friends where she is in the first place. Which makes her even grouchier come a hang-over and no friends in sight the next morning.

Rowan: Is there even a difference? Rowan is usually the life of any party and constantly mistaken for a child due to her short stature and round face, but when drunk she may act like it a bit more. She is a very impulsive being, but when drunk the very few inhibitions she has are completely down, leading her to be much more petty at times if upset, more odd, and more likely to accept challenges. Challenges such as one time a friend had flipped a coin next into a barrel of ale near her and Rowan, who was anger drinking at the time and progressively becoming more pouty and “I am so an adult” petty due to mockery, accepted his challenge to fetch the coin without her hands. She dove into the barrel head first, got the coin, and popped back up very proud of herself. When further mocked and called less than civilized, she got out, fetched her stuff and drunkenly played an angry song on her lute as she, still drenched and dripping, waddled out of the tavern and back to the campsite to pout.

Evelyn: Since alcohol lowers her ability to sense things around her, Evie doesn’t drink very often. This makes her a bit of a lightweight and she can get buzzed by one good drink, and drunk by three. At the buzzed stage she simply is more relax and less guarded, making her a lot easier to be around and a lot more fun. By the drunk stage she has given everyone new nicknames that only make sense in her head, and is willing to join inane competitions like singing, bottle flipping, etc. If she goes past this she is simply passed out and sleeping wherever she was drinking at.

Cerda: Can handle her booze more than her designated Strega, but she is definitely a social drinker and doesn’t drink often either. Cerda is more fun when buzzed and drunk, likely to join crowds in cheering for whatever is being cheered for, because cheering is fun, or demonstrating her magical abilities regarding aquamancy. She is also a “woo-hoo” girl and will cheer at any and every little thing because she likes to encourage people.