#dw guys i still very much have analysis thoughts all the time

[where-i-overanalyze]

Black☆Star and Tsubaki as perfect opposites

i made a post a while back talking about the lack of parents in Soul Eater, and in that i had a realization that Black☆Star and Tsubaki have very similar backstories conceptually and i would like to explore that more in this post.

both of them come from families that are very infamous for their line of work: the Nakatsukasa clan having their special multi-form weapons, and the Star clan being ruthless assassins. their respective families have their own reputation, though those reputations have wildly different connotations. they are both the only ones that can continue on their family name, they carry the burden of decades of their family's legacy, and yet they are both defying those legacies in a way.

Black☆Star's meant to be a ruthless assassin, someone who is willing to do anything for any sum of money, and someone who will do anything for power. even though Black☆Star's whole thing is he's trying to surpass god and whatnot, he is abandoning the "i will do it by any means necessary" thing. also, he's admittedly a shitty assassin for a while (not fighter, he's obviously extremely strong, i mean SPECIFICALLY the act of being a sneaky, silent assassin). he's doing things his own way, he's not going to be told what to do, and he's going to do it as loudly as he sees fit.

Tsubaki was seemingly crushed underneath the weight of her bloodline's legacy. her own identity problems stem from the fact that she feels that she has no defining characteristics and that she is lending herself and her powers out to others. that's what she is "meant" to do as the member of the Nakatsukasa family with multi-weapon form ability. she feels like she must put herself to the side to better serve her meister and be a better weapon.

their partnership almost feels sacrilegious: the "heir," so to speak, of the Nakatsukasa abilities with the last remaining member of the killer Star clan. their families are seemingly on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to honor and morality (at least from what family history we're given), and yet they work extremely well together. Black☆Star even masters the form of the shadow sword, which literally claimed many many lives that tried to master it before him.

by being partners, they are defying the paths that were set out for them by the simple act of choosing each other. they also pretty much affirm the parts about themselves that they're trying to prove to the world. thinking about when they first meet and partner up, Tsubaki fully listens to Black☆Star's whole deal, and Black☆Star talks to her out of respect, not because she's part of the Nakatsukasa clan. they saw each other as people, not their family histories.

i like the idea that someday, somewhere down the line, someone encounters them while they're on a mission. the person doesn't know what they're up against, but they recognize Black☆Star's tattoo and they're like "oh man, Star clan, i thought all of those guys were dead. guess i'm in for a rough ride." and then they see him wielding Tsubaki, watching her change form, probably using the shadow sword, and then they're really like "okay wtf did i just get myself into" because they know the history of these two families, but they don't know Black☆Star and Tsubaki, and they don't know what they're capable of together because there's never been a partnership quite like theirs.

[howdidigetbacktowritingwhat]

hi,hello,hoy !!! You asked me what I thought of your fic so I am here to comment some things about it !!! :D

I love how you have to put pieces together to figure out what's going on with Y/N! Because when your theory gets confirmed you just get this SERATONIN (is that how you type it??) from it

(this one is honestly more of a nit pick just saying:) I feel like you could do a bit of foreshadowing like for example: In chapter 1 you could have described Y/N's backpack in detail so the readers know how it looks like and think "hMMM why are they describing it in such detail ???" and then when you get to chapter 3 you could describe Y/N's backpack as something else (not entirely something else but a small change) without Y/N reffering to it feeling like 'a different bag' maybe get him to say "something feels off..." so when the reader sees this they'll put the pieces together and say "WOOOAH WAIT THATS DIFFERENT FROM THIS THAT WAS SAID IN THIS !!!! :0" !! BUT!! Honestly that's just a little nitpick from me because I tried to write a few stories before (but then I gave up halfway) and I know bits and pieces on how to do cool foreshadowing (from a writer friend) but take this with a grain of salt because I am still ig a newbie at writing!! ><

also when Y/N is talking in his head and a thing thinks instead of him you could have a subtle shift in tone (idk if I am explaining this one well sorry I am a bit sleepy)

unhinged Sun. I just loved when that boy snaps. ( ‾̀◡‾́)

and the last one is.... remember to take breaks!!! Writing can be exhausting especially if the story is getting to your head (trust me ik how it feels when you get too emotionally attached and don't wanna kill your favourite off (╥﹏╥)) so remeber to take as much time off as you need your mental health is WAY more important <3

have a good day!!! :DDD<3 gonna make more fanart in the future when my wrist hurts lessheehehege---

OHHHHHHHH THIS IS SO HELPFUL THANK YOU THANK YOU <33 omg (sorry i really REALLY love reading peoples' thoughts Okay i am going to dissect this NOW [TOTALLY NOT PROCRASTINATING WORK]) ill put it under a cut since its kinda long AHH

ill be honest. Im SO SO GLAD you wrote all these points (especially the nitpicks !!/gen) - im super happy that you guys really love getting theories confirmed in the next chapter and im glad you noticed that the description of the backpack is. not up to par hehe ( AS WELL AS THE THING IN Y/N'S HEAD ) (also dw you explained it really well! )

I am at a constant war of wanting to spill everything and hiding info due to spoilers but !! ive been playing around with the fic being an unreliable narrator so much that i was incredibly concerned that it was. very confusing WAHAHA (it probably still has some things to fix though), so im genuinely really glad you pointed out inconsistencies(?? oddities? i dont know how to say it but basically funky writing) in the places where i wanted there to be :]

HAHA I DONT KNOW IF I MAKE SENSE RIGHT NOW it is like. 2am. but tldr hheehee hoo hoo i am so glad that things are going according To Plan. (dude i am like. saving this post too just so i can reread and make sure things unfold properly too)

LASTLY. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WRITING THIS !! writing analysis and feedback take so much time and Im really really honoured that you guys spoil me with a LOT of them- and for understanding that this fic kinda takes a toll on my health wahaha <33

also guys pls. pls rest your wrists. i am going to spam stretches soon. (ALSO ALSO THANK U ALL FOR THE FANART FOOD please dont overexert yourself though !! health first and genuinely; you guys even reading my fic is the greatest honour ever. take care of yourselves!!! and have a good day too <33

[daydreamrry]

This might be unpopular but I was really getting into the personality and relationship analysis thing recently and Harry seemed like a great subject to test out, so I started checking out some of his more recent interviews(during FL era where he was probably less tight lipped and diplomatic than he was during wandee era, and those interviews were comparatively longer as well) and also some videos of his to judge his body language around people and this is the conclusion that I came to, ps this is gonna be LONG so buckle up;

Harry first of all, is SO naturally charming and good with people, I've literally NEVER been more jealous of anyone. Like I'd sell my soul to BE him, but again, the thing about him that makes his personality SO darn endearing is how comfortable he is when he's just HIMSELF. Ik it's cliche, but it's the most fascinating thing I've probably seen all day, because that man TRULY knows how to live in the moment.

Like he focuses on a person like they're the most important thing in the world to him and that makes the other individual feel really connected to him and feel listened to. Him being SUCH a good listener is also why he's ignored so much and he rarely seriously protests about it.

That man THINKS before speaking, and it's so wonderful to see him do that because it shows he's actually engrossed in the matter at hand and he's not just thinking about what to say next to sound right. You can see how his eyes move when he's in deep thought and contemplating something (it's actually really sexy attractive to me, but ignore this) and that's why it takes him a long time to answer (except the lisp part, that's a factor too, but I feel like if he didn't have that, he'd still be a slow speaker).

Now, that video with Kendall(I wanna die rn, there's a reason for it and I'm boutta explain) is so...interesting because we've barely EVER seen Harry actually interact with any woman he's been romantically involved in, like we have ZERO idea of how the man's like in a relationship.

You know sometimes you watch his interviews and you WANT him to stop dodging those fucking questions and give us TEA about his love life but ALAS, nothing is really known about this frustratingly private pop star. And you know that he's media trained and that these questions are disrespectful but when you see him out and about with his new gf you really wonder if he actually gives a f about privacy.

So anyways, back to him talking with K, he's so fucking chill like DUDE, teach me, yk? And Kendall still has that residual attraction towards him(ik she's in a relationship with another person, but residual attraction is more subconscious, and it's usually inevitable when you're meeting up with an ex after a recent breakup and no MAJOR shit has gone down between y'all, yk what I mean? And they never seemed too serious so the intense feelings factor isn't involved, she's just really comfortable and giddy around him and they're being very playful, nothing too serious dw).

And Kendall's kind of NOT great at what Harry is-H is chill as hell, laid back yet the perfect balance of being enthusiastic with K to make her feel involved and he's also teasing around while K is almost melting and laughing and it's NORMAL, I'm just saying that H is a fucking superhuman. Idk if he worked hard to get this perfect personality around women(he's so great around women, no nervousness, but he's doesn't come across as cocky or too inappropriate or anything either, he just makes people feel at ease somehow, seems like a good guy to be around) or if he was just born with it, but it's really something a lot of guys should learn.

I do not however think that the whole "he's so authentic" thing is really true because if he is as honest as y'all think he is, then you should probably believe his words where in that Howard Stern interview he was quizzed on whether he's afraid of coming across as disrespectful when he approaches a woman and he was constantly saying "I don't want people to say anything bad about me later on". And I know Howard REALLY put him in the spot there, old guy's a fucking asshole and my blood was boiling (Harry has GREAT patience lmao, like would you seduce your therapist??? And u could just fuck over any women you want?? Howard mf NEWS FLASH! girls aren't objects that u can play with just if ur rich and have a pretty face) but I really do get the vibe from Harry in general that he is more conscious about his image and he is more POLITE than kind, and he himself tends to misunderstand that. Not saying he can't be kind just saying that the things everyone uses as examples of kindness from his side are usually just him being a polite guy.

I always thought it was interesting that someone with such a long list of ex lovers never had one of them come forward and be like "he dumped me badly, he's a jerk" when he's so young that even unintentionally he might've fucked up once or twice but somehow he managed to handle dating someone as BIG as Taylor Swift at the tender age of 18 and it only got more chaotic from there on and he still came out unscathed.

I do think it has to do with the fact that Harry might be the hoe everyone keeps talking about(might even be a TYPICAL guy, if ykyk) but the guy's literally so good with words and he's calculated because he really wants to make a good impression (and most times he does) that nobody has anything bad to say about him. His inner circle might shed light on the type of person he ACTUALLY is because these sort of people are usually THEMSELVES around their closest company who they know wouldn't judge or snitch on him if things got messy. This is why Harry Styles has somehow, despite his record of famous gfs(he literally dated TS and a Jenner) has never had a bad name in media.

Also guy's a pushover, see the girls he's with, if he actually dated people like Kendall and Taylor then idk why some girls think he has really high standards in PERSONALITY. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Taylor Swift but she just doesn't seem like the type for H to be interested in, completely polar opposites, I get why people didn't believe in it at first. Harry says in the Howard interview that he's never really had a very good relationship due to touring and stuff and I do think that all his so called relationships during the band's days were very scattered and just moderate hookups(even Haylor, Taylor just knows how to romanticise the shit out of the smallest events, they weren't too serious, just a whirlwind fling that the world was crazy over, AND it was with Harry Styles, ofc she made 1989, I would too if I even locked eyes with HS) and so I think that all the people H was with during the band's young days, they were all picked due to superficiality. That's NORMAL, he was a gorgeous teen boy who was suddenly thrown into that crazy world of Hollywood and pretty people and it was probably like a kid in a candy shop for him.

So Kendall seems like one of those girls who would be on tiktok today if she wasn't a Jenner, just NOT H's type, Paige was the same, a spoilt brat and we all know that H was just on and off with her, probably even fwb, they were both young. Taylor was too different from what Harry seemed like in 2012, that was also because of how naive and new Harry was, he keeps saying he learnt a LOT from that relationship, I really think that he did. I think the reason Harry was SO hooked over Camille was because he'd never dated based on personality before that, and it had never been so stable for him before that. H seemed like the type of person who doesn't like being alone or single (he's mentioned it before) and dates for the sake of it, he's even ready for shallow people with a few jokes if it comes down to it, it's kinda ironic considering that he could actually get good people since he's like, HARRY STYLES.

So yeah, there's that, this is so fucking long I just realised, I was just jotting down my analysis here, don't have to read all this. I just don't get what he saw in Olivia Wilde.

this made me emotional.

[ilajue]

dear ila,

HELLO!!! since when have you had little hearts around your name in the heading thingy :O anyways blah blah I was having a crisis about internet friends blah blah I got sentimental and emotional and i realized I havent talked to most of my mutuals in a while cause of school n stuff, and it would be nice to send you a normal ask, but theres no fun in that, so youre getting a letter :D

okay!! thank you for being one of the best people i've ever talked to :D youre one of the first people on tumblr I actually felt comfortable being myself around and in general I just really. enjoy being around you. I like how from the very first interaction we ever had you've just always been. you. youve been nice and you make me laugh and I appreciate you :D you n all of lemonblr made quarantine bearable and decent even just by talking to me and I just wanted to thank you for that :D (without you guys I dont think. I could've survived quarantine honestly. so uhh yea)

I hope you know that youre really cool :D n youre really funny :D n im not leaving or anything!! I just. wanted to tell you all that :] thanks <3

love,

milo

(p.s. I dont have that many things I wanna do when I move out n stuff! like a bucket list or anything. but I think the one thing that keeps me going is the thought that one day I might be able to meet you :D n give you a hug!! like a physical hug. was that creepy? I think it was. anyways, yea :D thanks)

Dear Milo

I had to add the hearts around my name because on desktop my theme is kinda broken jfkdkd I have to have a specific number of characters in each heading so that it doesnt get jumbled. I also have been missing a lot of my internet friends school and sports and family stuff and work have been kicking my ass and take up so much of my time 😔 I just got accepted into a very cool internship program where I get to do historical media analysis and learn critical race theory and travel and stuff like that but it's another crazy time commitment that I wont be able to use to draw and keep in touch with everybody ):

I am uno reversing your thank you! I was in vc with mello, cey and ender the other day and we realised that you where litterally the glue that put together lemonblr. I would have never gotten to know anyone if you hadnt been kind to me and engaged with me and I'm so grateful for you. you are so sweet and lovely and you make me want to love life and love humanity. I've never had any sort of online friends to this extent before but genuinly you and beyond that all my lemonblr friends are the reason I've gotten through the past year.

over quarantine, on top of obviously covid I had some very heavy family problems and mental health issues and while I am still dealing with and recovering from them, knowing that I had an escape in you and my other lemonblr friends made it survivable. like ik it sounds a bit pathetic but knowing I had people who cared was what made me be able to get out of bed and eat on some days. you have always been kind and genuine and I am so grateful to have met you. and one day I desperately want to give you a real actual hug like in person <33 (it's not creepy dw jgkdk) thank you for being my friend

love Ila

(ps yes one day I promise we will meet eachother in person and I will make you an apple pie)

[mintypineapple]

dw ask game 1-36 and 38-100 DON'T ANSWER NUMBER 37 I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT CRYING

DaThanks, anon who is probably @truestoriesaboutme!

CHILDHOOD

1. Did you like DW as a child?

Depends. What do you consider a child? I saw Doctor Who for the first time when I was 16 or 17. Does that count? Let’s say that it does. I did enjoy it.

2. Your age at the time of the revival?

16.

3. First DW episode you ever saw?

An Unearthly Child. I wanted to watch it all in order! Still do! My first New Who episode was “Blink,” as forced upon me by @raisegrate. I did enjoy it.

4. Did you have any of the toys?

I didn’t at the time, but I do now. I have a couple of screwdrivers, a Fourth Doctor, an Ice Warrior, and not-quite-Legos of Doctors 1-11. (-WD)

5. Which DW character did you play on the playground?

N/A.

6. Monster(s) that scared you most as a child?

N/A. Nothing scares me.

7. Joke/story you didn’t get as a kid?

N/A. I get all jokes/stories.

8. DW opinion that has changed since you were a kid?

That the only way to watch it was from the very beginning. I eventually gave in and watched New Who before finishing Classic Who.

9. Who introduced you to DW?

Pretty sure I heard about it initially on a forum I went to called The Douglas Adams Continuum. That’s when I started watching the First Doctor. Again, @raisegrate showed me my first New Who. Eventually, I started watching New Who in its entirety with @catastrofries and they started watching Classic Who with me for @rassilonwatchathon.

10. Did you like Sarah Jane Adventures as a child?

Didn’t even know it existed as a child. But I liked it as an adult.

Read more under the cut. There’s a lot!

DOCTOR

11. Who is your Doctor?

One. He’s the first I saw and I’ve went through some of his more than once, due to the podcast, so he has a special place in my heart.

12. Your favourite Doctor?

It varies depending on the day. I quite like Two, Eleven, and Twelve, though.

13. Least favourite Doctor?

Possibly 5 or 13? More because they don’t get a whole lot to do, than them being bad.

14. Best regeneration?

Technically speaking, there’s something about that first one that is still so good. Emotionally speaking, Two’s regeneration is terrifying and I quite like Twelve’s speech before regenerating.

15. Do you like “Doctor-Lite” episodes?

Yeah! They’re all pretty good! Even “Love and Monsters!” Yeah, I said it! (The end is bad, but the rest is good.)

16. Who is the most human Doctor?

One calls himself human a handful of times. Does that count? If not, definitely Five. He seems the most like a regular guy in a weird situation out of all of them.

17. Best multi-Doctor story?

The Day of the Doctor, for sure.

18. Best Doctor monologue?

Eleven’s speech to young Amy in “The Big Bang.” That episode is just solid all around.

19. What do you think TenToo/MetaCrisis Doctor is doing now?

He’s definitely fucked off somewhere and abandoned Rose. He runs a cat cafe that is definitely a front for something, but no one can quite figure out what.

20. Best Doctor/companion pairing?

One/Barbara, Two/Jamie, Three/Jo, Four/Leela, Five/Tegan, (haven’t seen enough of Six, any of Seven, and I honestly don’t remember the companion for Eight), Nine/Rose (that’s the only option!), Ten/Donna, Eleven/Amy-Rory, Twelve/Clara, Ruth/Thirteen.

COMPANIONS

21. Favourite companion?

Classic Who: This is hard. Jamie? Sarah Jane? Leela? New Who: Donna Noble.

22. Favourite secondary companion?

Not sure what this means exactly... My second favorite? If so, I gave three for favorite Classic Who, so one of them. New Who: Rory.

23. Least favourite companion?

Classic: Ben Jackson or Peri. New: Ryan.

24. Best TARDIS Team?

Classic: Two, Jamie, and Zoe. New: Eleven, Amy, and Rory.

25. Most underrated companion?

I love Steven Taylor. I feel like he doesn’t get mentioned enough.

26. Most overrated companion?

Probably gonna get some hate for this, but Romana II. She’s good and I like her, but I was expecting a lot more. I honestly prefer Romana I.

27. Favourite companion’s family?

I love Rory’s dad.

28. Who should have been a companion but wasn’t?

Kamelion. AM I RIGHT? But seriously, Amelia Rumford from “The Stones of Blood.”

29. Favourite (canon or non-canon) DW universe relationship?

Amy/Rory.

30. Who did you not used to like, but really like now?

I hated Tegan when she first came on, but now I love her.

EPISODES

31. Favourite episode ever?

“Heaven Sent.”

32. Least favourite episode?

“Time-Flight” gave me a literal headache.

33. Which episodes do you skip?

NONE. Of course, I’ve not done any rewatches. YET.

34. Best two-parter?

“The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances” are the first New Who episodes that fully sold me on the show.

35. Historical, present day or futuristic episodes?

Give me the future and make it weird!

36. Episode that will always make you smile?

“The Myth Makers.”

37 HAS BEEN REDACTED.

38. Best run of episodes?

“Vincent and the Doctor” through “Day of the Moon” is pretty solid.

39. Best cliffhanger?

“Vengeance on Varos.” Hands fucking down.

40. Favourite Christmas special?

The answer to question 37. “A Christmas Carol.”

SERIES

41. Classic Who or New Who?

Yes please! (Though New Who will take this a little just because the pace is generally a lot better.)

42. Favourite series?

I’m not sure about Classic (I have a harder time thinking of them as different series), but New is definitely 5.

43. Least favourite series?

11.

44. Which series do you skip?

See 33.

45. Favourite series opening?

“The Eleventh Hour.” It’s just a lot of fun.

46. Favourite series finale?

“The Big Bang.” IT’S A GOOD SERIES.

47. Best series arc?

So I don’t sound repetitive and say Series 5 again, Clara’s arc in her last season is great.

48. Thoughts on series 11/12?

I find it largely boring and not well-written. Though there are some things I like! I love Ruth a bunch.

49. How much of Classic Who have you seen?

I’ve seen from “An Unearthly Child” to “The Two Doctors.” And the movie.

50. Who should have had another series?

Doctor: Nine. Or Eight. Or Ruth. Companion: Kamelion, but done better.

MONSTERS

51. Favourite monster/villain?

I love them Fuzzy Chicken Nuggets. (The Yeti.)

52. Most creative monster?

The Silence are an interesting concept.

53. Monster(s) that scares you most?

OAK AND QUILL from “Fury From the Deep.” Fuck those guys.

54. Monster you think is too easy to defeat?

I hate power level questions. Next.

55. Least favourite monster/villain?

I get really tired of the Daleks sometimes, y’all.

56. Monster you want to return?

Chumblies or quarks.

57. In your opinion, what makes a monster good?

The writing. You can do great things with most of them. Even the ones you dislike. Like, I hate the farting aliens, but they are occasionally used well.

58. Daleks, Cybermen or Weeping Angels?

If I had to pick, I’d say... Cybermen. Daleks are very samey and loud. Weeping Angels get less interesting every time they are used. But there’s a human element to the Cybermen that, when utilized, can be very effective and unsettling.

59. Best Dalek story?

The one where Two rides around on ones he made nice.

60. Best one time villain/monster?

I don’t know what it is, but whatever it is in “Midnight.”

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

61. Torchwood or Sarah Jane Adventures?

SJA is more consistent, but the highs of Torchwood are higher.

62. Favourite Torchwood Team member?

Owen. But like... not season one Owen.

63. Which Torchwood death made you saddest?

See 62.

64. Do you rewatch COE or MD?

I haven’t rewatched anything yet. But I would rewatch COE before MD.

65. Favourite SJA Team member?

Clyde.

66. Mr Smith or K-9?

Mr. Smith is way more interesting. He had a villain arc!

67. Maria or Rani?

Rani.

68. Do you read the comics/novels or listen to Big Finish?

Some. I’m doing them as Patreon bonus episodes for @rassilonwatchathon​. I haven’t done much though.

69. If you do, your favourite additional stories?

“The Chimes of Midnight.” I’ve listened to it twice.

70. Do you like DW analysis (video essays, fan theories, etc)?

I do DW analysis for @rassilonwatchathon AND The Dipp. So yes. My fave is TARDIS Eruditorum, though.

I’LL ANSWER THE REST AT A LATER TIME. I MUST BE WITH MY PEOPLE NOW.

[senadimell]

DW: The Monster in the Closet

I realized while looking at a Girl in the Fireplace analysis that when Moffat involves a child in an episode, he chooses a particular set of tropes. It’s no secret he has favorite types of stories; this one I’ll call “The Monster in the Closet.” Moffat came onto Doctor Who writing Monster in the Closet stories; in fact, take a look at his first 6 stories: The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances, the Girl in the Fireplace, Blink, Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, The Eleventh Hour, and The Beast Below. With the exception of Blink, they all fall into this category. Why? More on that below, after we look at what the episodes share.

I’m including Night Terrors in this analysis because it’s so fitting: it’s literally about a monster and a closet. It’s actually written by Gatiss, but copies many of the same tropes and subverts the ending. I’m not including Listen, because I honestly don’t remember it well enough to analyze and don’t care for a re-watch just yet. Plus, I think Moffat was trying to branch out by that point.

Here’s what’s in a standard Moffat Monster in the Closet episode. 

The Child

Fake Faces

Repetition is Creepy

The Doctor’s Reputation

The Bad Guy isn’t evil, just fulfilling its nature

The child (or perceived child) is isolated from the adults in their life who should protect them but don’t realize the monsters are real. The Doctor steps in to validate them and solve figure out how to tackle their monster, who is real.

The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances: Nancy (Jamie and the kids Nancy looks after are also contestants here.)

The Girl in the Fireplace: Reinette

Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead: Cal

The Eleventh Hour: Amelia Pond

The Beast Below: Mandy (Timmy is also a contestant)

Night Terrors: George

Fake faces indicate something uncanny is occurring. The two-faced nature of the monsters suggests that the monster is not what we think it is.

The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances

The Girl in the Fireplace

Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead

The Beast Below: (Liz 10 also has a mask and initially comes off as sinister, and is revealed to be part of the problem by choosing ignorance)

This is a bit of a stretch, but here’s the face-changing Prisoner Zero from the Eleventh Hour: 

It’s worth noting that the Doctor had his own face change in this episode, so we’re waiting to see if he’s the genuine article or if he’s more like the monsters. 

Night Terrors. Doesn’t get creepier than this.

Repetition is creepy. This doesn’t really serve a narrative purpose beyond being creepy, other than perhaps to indicate the monster has a goal that we do not understand. When we do, we can solve the problem. This kind of reminds me of when a kid is trying to get their parent’s attention, but they’re on the phone and don’t really hear.  I find that just like fake faces, the more often this is used, the more banal I find it. 

The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances: Creepiest thing ever

The Girl in the Fireplace: What is that mysterious ticking noise?

Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead: (so much repetition here that any episode after it that uses repetition feels like overkill to me)

The Eleventh Hour:

The Beast Below does something a little different. It goes for a creepy nursery rhyme instead: 

GIRL: A horse and a man, above, below. One has a plan, but both must go. Mile after mile, above, beneath. One has a smile, and one has teeth. GIRL: Though the man above might say hello, expect no love from the beast below.

Night Terrors:

DOCTOR: George! George, what's going on? Are you doing it? ALEX: What's happening? GEORGE: Please save me from the monsters. Please save me from the monsters. Please save me from the monsters. Please save me from the monsters. DOCTOR: George, no! GEORGE: Please save me from the monsters. Please save me from the monsters. Please save me from the monsters. ALEX: Help me, Doctor! GEORGE: Please save me from the monsters. DOCTOR: George, no! (The Doctor is dragged back into the cupboard.) GEORGE: Please save me from the monsters. Please save me from the monsters. Please save me from the monsters. (Alex is dragged into the cupboard.) ALEX: No! (And the door slams shut. Peace reigns again.)

Line about Doctor’s reputation scaring off the bad guys: The Doctor acts as a parental figure, but instead of dismissing the childish fear of the monsters, he validates and vanquishes. He fulfills a parental role, though, and just as parents scare away monsters by virtue of being an adult, the Doctor scares away monsters just by being the Doctor. 

*The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances: Saving this one for last. 

The Girl in the Fireplace: 

DOCTOR: Even monsters from under the bed have nightmares, don't you, monster? YOUNG REINETTE: What do monsters have nightmares about? DOCTOR: Me!

Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead:

VASTA NERADA: These are our forests. They are our meat. DOCTOR: Don't play games with me. You just killed someone I liked. That is not a safe place to stand. I'm the Doctor, and you're in the biggest library in the universe. Look me up. (The Vasta Nerada desists and gives him a day to evacuate the library)

The Eleventh Hour:

DOCTOR: Okay. One more. Just one. Is this world protected? Because you're not the first lot to come here. Oh, there have been so many. (The projection shows the Daleks et al.) DOCTOR: And what you've got to ask is, what happened to them? (A run through of all the previous Doctors, then this Doctor steps through the projection with a jacket and bow tie.) DOCTOR: Hello. I'm the Doctor. Basically, run. 

The Beast Below: 

This one breaks the mold a bit: It’s Liz 10 who does all of the “fear my reputation lines” and pulls almost the same line as the Doctor in 11th hour (I'm the bloody Queen, mate. Basically, I rule). What ties this to other Monster in the Closet episodes is that problem’s solution comes from realizing how amazing the Doctor is, and applying that logic to our misunderstood Starwhale. Since it doesn’t need to be scared away like our past few monsters, we get this instead: 

AMY: The Star Whale didn't come like a miracle all those years ago. It volunteered. You didn't have to trap it or torture it. That was all just you. It came because it couldn't stand to watch your children cry. What if you were really old, and really kind and alone? Your whole race dead. No future. What couldn't you do then? If you were that old, and that kind, and the very last of your kind, you couldn't just stand there and watch children cry.

AMY: Amazing though, don't you think? The Star Whale. All that pain and misery and loneliness, and it just made it kind. DOCTOR: But you couldn't have known how it would react. AMY: You couldn't. But I've seen it before. Very old and very kind, and the very, very last. Sound a bit familiar? 

Night Terrors: 

Again, the formula’s changing. Here, the Doctor’s title declaration triggers the monster and makes the scary stuff happen rather than the other way ‘round because the resolution is reconciliation between parent and child. If the Doctor were to be the substitute parental figure, he would interfere with that reconciliation.

GEORGE [memory]: Who are you? DOCTOR [memory]: I'm the Doctor. GEORGE [memory]: A doctor? Have you come to take me away? Away. Away. Away. DOCTOR: That's what did it. That's what the trigger was. He thought you were rejecting him. He thought he wasn't wanted, that someone was going to come and take him away. 

(It should be noted that there’s still a title declaration where the Doctor assumes that people should know and respect his title, even though they have no logical reason to: 

DOCTOR: I'm not just a professional. I'm the Doctor. ALEX: What's that supposed to mean? DOCTOR: It means I've come a long way to get here, Alex. A very long way. George sent a message. A distress call, if you like. Whatever's inside that cupboard is so terrible, so powerful, that it amplified the fears of an ordinary little boy across all the barriers of time and space. )

So that brings me back to The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances. One of my huge Doctor Who pet peeves is the Doctor’s growing hubris. I could manage it in seasons 2-4 because everybody and their dog was calling the Doctor out when he went too far, but it just kind of stopped in season 5 and the Doctor threw out more and more lines about how great or scary he was.

What I love about Nine is that he’s humble. What? you ask. The man who told us “I am so impressive!” is the most humble? Yes. Despite his “devil may care” blustering, Nine carries a huge burden of guilt and he constantly questions whether or not he has the authority to make big decisions when lives are at stake. It’s no coincidence that Harriet Jones pulls the “I’m the only elected official” card in World War Three to tell the Doctor to save the world even if she and Rose might die, or that when the Doctor acts unilaterally to let the Gelth posses corpses in The Unquiet Dead, he’s wrong, or that his actions to free the human race from the brainwashing news just leads to societal collapse and allows the Daleks a place to lie in wait, or that he’s spared from deciding Blon’s fate in Boomtown by the TARDIS. It all leads to his decision in front of the Daleks: Coward or killer? Do I have the right to decide who lives and dies? His answer is no, I don’t (then Rose saves the day). 

In keeping with his personality, it would be totally out of character for him to boast of his reputation to scare away the monsters. Instead, we get this beautiful inversion of the Monster in the Closet Doctor/Parent figure scaring away the monsters by virtue of title: 

DOCTOR: Amazing.

NANCY: What is?

DOCTOR: 1941. Right now, not very far from here, the German war machine is rolling up the map of Europe. Country after country, falling like dominoes. Nothing can stop it. Nothing. Until one, tiny, damp little island says no. No. Not here. A mouse in front of a lion. You're amazing, the lot of you. Don't know what you do to Hitler, but you frighten the hell out of me. Off you go then do what you've got to do. Save the world.

Instead of an “I’m the Doctor! Monsters are scared of me!” line, we get the Doctor saying ‘the monsters are scared of you.’ Then, he says he himself is frightened of humans. That’s an odd thing to say, since Nine doesn’t act frightened of humans and seems to just love them, until you consider the thematic implications. Who’s scared of the humans? The monsters. 

The Doctor from ‘Dalek’ is calling.

The Doctor considers himself to be one of the monsters, even if he’s trying to atone for his past. He’s desperately avoiding whatever reputation’s left after the Time War and doesn’t pull that card until he’s facing a Dalek army. I am so so so grateful we got this line, instead of a line about how great the Doctor is.

The bad guy is not actually malicious, just following its nature: The monster is always something real here, but it’s never properly evil. I do like a good “the aliens just have different needs than humans” plot. That said, it can get predictable when you know there’s going to be a twist coming. I like the twists less and less as the episodes go on.

The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances: The monster is the child! Sort of: the good-at-healing but bad-at-AI nanogenes made Jamie and everyone else a monster since they didn’t know what they were going for as they repaired the humans. 

The Girl in the Fireplace: Arguably the most sinister on this list, the droids aren’t malicious, just trying to repair their ship with re-purposed body parts because they broke down. Not evil, just following incomplete AI instructions like our Nanogenes. This was the only thing I liked in this episode. At least the monsters had a reason they were obsessed with Reinette, unlike the stalker-y actions the Doctor took that were supposed to be 100% okay, even though he criticized the Robots for doing that? 

Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead: The Vasta Nerada are creepy and eat people, but it’s just because their forest was pulped and they came here in the books! They just want to be left in peace to hunt like normal predators. 

The Eleventh Hour: This one doesn’t fit quite so neatly. However, it should be noted that the primary danger in the episode doesn’t come from the bad guy, Prisoner Zero, but the cops looking for him who are willing to boil the earth. They’re not evil, just callous and need to be reminded of proper boundaries.

The Beast Below: The weird scorpion stingers are just the Starwhale! It loves children. It doesn’t even care about being tortured for centuries and will keep driving everyone through space. 

Night Terrors: George is monster! That is, he’s the one causing the creepy stuff to happen because he’s an alien who stressed out about the parents he brainwashed abandoning him. I guess that’s sci fi for you?

With the exception of Blink, all of the monsters are shown as innocent, if dangerous. They just need to put their energy in a different direction. It’s not until Victory of the Daleks that Moffat breaks the mold. Why? The punchline of “Monster in the Closet” stories is that the monsters are real and scary, but not evil, just following their nature. Daleks fall into the “these are actual bad guys” category, not the misunderstood monster. (Which is kinda funny, because it’s been established that Daleks are genetically engineered to kill and hate. They may be a Nazi analogue, but Nazis were people who chose evil. The Daleks are bred to hate and exterminate--note what happens to the “impure” dalek in Dalek and Evolution of the Daleks: they don’t kill people, and then they die.) 

My biggest beef with these episodes that they’re all relatively close together, so it’s easy to notice the overlap. When Moffat uses almost the exact same line in one episode as in the previous episode, I notice. When he uses the same mask design, I notice. When he has a constantly repeated line and does it again, I notice. Even before I waded into anti Moffat stuff, I noticed a shift at the end of season 4. I attributed it to a new cast since I just couldn’t click with anything. Then, I learned there was a new writer, and found out he had also written my least favorite episode of New Who (The Girl in the Fireplace). 

After writing this, I can’t help but parrot what I’ve heard elsewhere: Moffat’s trying to write a fairytale. A lot of the people and dangers feel more like archetypes than people, and the dialogue is witty but often unnatural--nobody goes around bantering like that all the time. The villains are identified by their form just as much as what they intend to do. There’s also this weird idolization of childhood and the innocent child. I don’t like it much. I’m more of the Coraline, Witches of Worm, Egyptian Game, and Wrinkle in Time mold, where the kids are just as realized and human as their adult counterparts and can lack empathy and be as creepy as adults. Alternatively, I’ll take Shannon Hale’s fairy-tale retellings where the bad guys are people and the solution involves personal courage and collaborative effort. (Moffat can keep his Day of the Doctor maypole children, and I will keep Chloe the scribbler, even if her episode was a little off).

My rating for these episodes, from least to most favorite: 

The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances: Love Christopher Eccleston’s performance and was very creeped out by the child monsters. The solution to the problem was implied but not obvious so I didn’t get it until I was supposed to. I didn’t enjoy the introduction of a love triangle or the constant innuendo, but at least it was gone in an episode. Also, I will never not fangirl over “Everybody Lives!” and its significance to Nine. 

Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead: Thoroughly enjoyed these episodes, though I do have things to quibble with (wish Lee was black like Donna’s other romantic interests--she’s got a type and it’s not “gorgeous and can’t speak a word,” among other critical things). Overall,  a great episode

The Eleventh Hour, which I enjoyed, but makes me feel weirder and weirder the more I watch it between child/adult Amy, handcuffs and porn references, and the annoying “prisoner zero has escaped” mantra, plus “I’m the doctor! The earth is protected! I also didn’t like the repeat of comatose people sitting up and saying things. It was good the first time, not so much the second. Funny, but also uncomfortably awkward and creepy, and not in the “are you my mummy” way. 

The Beast Below, which felt like it was recycled from earlier tropes to me. Maybe if Liz 10 wouldn’t have had the GitF porcelain mask, I wouldn’t be as tempted to compare it to other Monster in the Closet episodes. Overall, just meh.

The Girl in the Fireplace, which rubs me wrong in every way, except for the droids cannibalizing crew to save the ship--what does that say about me and the episode? I will not rewatch this episode willingly.

[starrynima]

history modc: episode six

favourite moments

this episode was a roller coaster ride and i have sO much to talk about

so umm... lusun fucked in the gym bathroom. i don’t know what else to say lmao

boxiang whispering i love you was good™

n e ways, we continue on with the bike date that kinda turned into a stargazing date which is fine with me (sorry the pic is blurry af my internet is dying)

they stopped at an overlooking of the city and haoting sets up these lights and honestly i cry because when will i ever have a good bf like that

then they start talking and xigu shares how he likes to talk to the stars because he thinks his parents are there somewhere with the stars and it’s so private and intimate

they’ve come so far from being enemies to becoming two people who trust each other so much i wANT TO CRY

then he asks haoting if he believes and haoting holds his hands and says “i believe you” and my heart just bursts with joy

xigu: i’m gonna study the stars” haoting: that’s zoology (lmao dw guys he’s still a dumbass)

haoting saying he wants to work hard and study in the same department as xigu

surprise cheek kiss + another soft kiss

also this shot of them looking at the stars together is so fucking beautiful and perfect. we all know the confrontation with haoting’s parents later in the episode is gonna happen and this scene was basically them telling xigu’s parents about them (the history writers went off on this scene and gave us this amazing symbolism)

yooo haoting got second place in school!! i can’t believe xianggu are really THAT couple that are respectively the 1st and 2nd place. what a power couple.

haoting’s thank you speech summed up: “yu xigu”

lmao xigu walked in on the squad trying to strip boxiang but he doesn’t even look shocked

then he questions them and haoting is all like “yeah! wtf are you guys doing?” as if he wasn’t the one who told the squad to start stripping boxiang eye-

the look of betrayal

and ya’ll!! xigu and and haoting are the type of couple that holds hands and ditches their friends hahahaha

okay ya’ll know what happens next so let’s break it down to my favourite little moments even though the whole thing is amazing in it’s own right (get ready for A LOT of screenshots)

the FIRST thing that xigu does when haoting sits on top of him is caress haoting’s thigh and leave his hand on haoting’s waist aaaaAAAAHHH

“ i really wanted to kiss you just know.” he made his intentions clear and gave xigu a moment to decide

the way xigu looked up and down at him before kissing haoting first made me SCREAM tF (seriously though, i love that in their very first ‘intense’ kiss, xigu was the one to kiss first)

ya’ll the smiles in between the kisses *chef’s kiss*

xigu sitting up while haoting sits on his lap as they make out?? sign me tf up

ya’ll can you believe haoting is a power bottom and xigu is a soft top (if u disagree fight me) (jk i’m weak)

the way haoting stopped and pulled away to let xigu know with his eyes that he wanted to do more and then xigu started unbuttoning haoting’s shirt

xigu feeling up haoting’s pecs. what a mood.

THIS SCREENSHOT IS GOLD and is haoting’s mom’s pov lmao + the shoulderrrr

the way haoting jumped on the defense for xigu when his dad was busy screaming

also haoting being mad about his dad saying that liking boys is shameless and not normal. thAT’S MY BABY.

i interrupt the angsty bullet points to let ya’ll know that when boxiang’s cousin was spraying zhigang with his water bottle, i spent a good five minutes giggling about it

he hella salty that they fucked in his gym’s bathroom and honestly if i were him, i would be salty too

also him, showing up at zhigang’s store, to give condoms hahahHAHAHA

and when a customer arrived, zhigang hid the condoms so fucking fast lol

now let’s commence with the angst

it’s not really a fav moment per say as it did make me cry so bad (i always say i’m crying but this time, i had legit tears streaming down my face) but can we talk about haoting and how amazing he is and how in love he really is

“call out and stop him and tell him ‘don’t be scared, i’m right here.’ but i couldn’t” this line really hit me and the way his voice cracked made my heart crack

and the sister just wiping his tears and being there for him. like she knew she couldn’t really fix the problem as it’s obviously not up to her so instead she sat there and listened to him and made sure that he knew someone was on his side ugh they really are sibling goals

haoting hesitating on saying “i can say i don’t love him” because he does love him and saying he doesn’t is hard

also him breaking down at the thought of xigu giving up on them

can i just point out that song weien’s performance in this was so good and hella heartbreaking

and of course, last but not the least, xigu showing up at haoting’s house to declare that he is not giving up on them. i talked about this scene on this post and shared my kind of analysis

in conclusion: i love love love this episode with all my heart

[melancholydreadfuldream]

seven devils dreaming

Fandom: Doctor Who

Summary: DW AU. You have a new assignment, to keep an eye on a man called John Smith. Easy, right? That’s until the truth is revealed behind who John Smith really is. The most dangerous man in the universe, the trickster of the world, the last of the Time Lord, the oncoming storm called the Doctor, trapped in a human state.

Pairing: Tenth Doctor x Reader

Warning: ooc, deception, mention of sex, a possibility of dark!doctor, obsessive behavior, mention of torture.

A/N: Honestly, this is also a nonsense of a fanfic indulging in the idea of dark!doctor. But I couldn’t write very well hence this will be a painful read. But I’m gonna post it anyway because I am evil.

Ugh, I was bored. I have been inactive ever since my last mission 2 month ago. I have been assigned for desk duty which is such a waste of my potential. I am one of the best actives in the Division where I work. And yet here I am sentenced into desk duty as punishment for punching the jerk-face that is my client during my last mission. In my defense, that jerk-face deserved it. That man was horrible and it was times like this I hated my job, to protect bad guy like him. Though in my line of work it was actually all about the pay day.

The base where I work is located in some alien planet with permission from the local. We got along with the local fairly well. The Division offered protection in exchange for the space we occupied for our headquarter.

The Division consists of both alien and human, we are all to work together to monitor the happening in the universe and sell information to those who seek it and depending on the clients, we are to step in to stop the chaos or cause it. We are no shadow proclamation or even time agency. In fact, the time agency hated us but still sometimes they also used our service.

Someone dropped a folder on my desk right in front of me.

“Look like you got your wish, (last name), you are off desk duty. That is your new mission.” Luke said. He is one of my co-worker in analysis section. He is not an active like me. In Division, we called our field agents an active.

I picked up the folder with excitement and frowned when I saw the contain. “Babysitting duty? Again? Why me? Can’t someone else do it?”

Luke is annoyed. “Would you prefer desk duty then?”

“I will take it.” I quickly said.

“Good. Because you don’t actually have a choice. The big guy upstairs ask for you specifically for this assignment.”

“The big guy did? Is this another punishment?” I asked in exasperation.

Luke shrugged. “Wasn’t that bad. You get to be undercover the duration required to keep an eye on that guy.”

I pulled the picture of my target. A handsome man called John Smith. “Is that a fake name?” I asked. The man in the picture is actually good looking, an eye candy, so maybe it won’t be so bad.

I read the detail regarding this John Smith. A human. A history teacher for a school in Beacon Hill, a small town on Earth. He also work as a librarian.

“Ugh, boring…” I complained. “What is interesting about him that someone pay us to keep an eyes for him?”

Luke shrugged. “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

“But this guy sounded boring. His lecture probably put his students to sleep.” I mocked. “Also, ‘keep an eye on him by inserting active on his daily life’. Please don’t tell me I have to be undercover as a teacher?”

“I felt bad for your students if that is the case…” Luke said in flat tone.

“Hey!” I yelled offended.

“You actually can pick how you are planning to insert yourself into his life.”

I grinned mischeviously. “I want a job where I get to kick bad guys in return for watching over that boring man.” I gasped dramatically. “A private investigator. I always wanted to be a PI.” I grinned. “(Name) (last name) PI.”

“Glad to see your finding amusement in this.” Luke said but his tone is anything but glad. “How are you meant to watch over him if you go after bad guys?”

I shrugged. “I will make it work.” I picked up the picture again. “I’m about to rock this guy world.” I said with a huge grin.

Had I known who John Smith really is, I would have refused the job. But I was set up.

&&&&

“The Doctor is indisposed. He won’t be causing us trouble. And I have employed actives to distract the human doctor.”

“Make sure it stay that way.”

&&&&

Inserting myself into John Smith’s routine is fairly easy. I ‘met’ him during his time working in the library. I was there for research. I introduced myself as a PI who just moved in town.

John is polite and awkward but very helpful in my research.

I thought it would be fun to be PI but considering I was in a small town, there is hardly any excitements here.

As a PI, mostly I got bored at my office which I rented on the second floor of a bar. The place is quite large so that’s where I stay for the night.

I didn’t stalk John all day because I didn’t want to catch attention of the people of town so I hang out in the bar and befriended the bartender. Small town, people like to gossip, so I have to be extra careful, newcomer tend to catch the town people’s eyes. At least, the bartender is cute and friendly, his name is Holden.

My first case is to find a missing cat much to my chagrin. The second case is slightly more intriguing, to investigate a husband affair.

In between, I always made sure to go to the library for my 'research’. I got to speak with John a few times now and he is hilariously awkward with women. Some women in Beacon Hills evidently find him eye-pleasing and love to flirt with him. After I saw how he dealt with them, I realized I can’t be outright flirting with him. He would just shot me down like he did the others.

Though, I supposed I have a better chance because John is definitely interested in me when I mentioned that I work as a PI.

He is curious why I moved into the small town of Beacon Hills and I said I needed a fresh start.

&&&&

John found me lurking around at the school where he teaches.

I told him I have a concerned parent as my client who want me to take a look at their son’s life, fearing he’s involved with the wrong sort of crowd.

John, as a teacher, is rightly concerned and offered to help especially when, surprise surprise, the boy in question is actually one of his student.

Well, I was supposed to keep an eye on him too so him volunteering to help is helping my case. Two birds one stone kind of thing. I was pleased with myself.

I found out I was wrong about John though. His lecture didn’t put his students to sleep. He has a funny way to make history interesting. And it does help that he is good looking so most of his female students are very attentive to listen to his lecture in hope to get a praise. He is very likable among his students. He is one of the students’ favorite teacher.

John discreetly pointed to the boy, Clarke, his name. I turned to watch over the boy and he did look too distracted. John is concerned and he wishes to talk to the boy. Of course, it didn’t end well. Teenagers. They want our attentions and they don’t want it too. I watched as Clarke get mad at John and left.

So I followed the boy, he is my job after all. I wanted to get paid so I have to report the case as soon as possible. I have some other boring clients I need to deal with too beside Clarke’s parents. The soonest I finish with all of them, the quickest I could establish my reputation as PI here and get accepted by the town. Then I can finally focus back on my primary mission, John.

Of course the son of the client ended up in trouble and I have to intervene. Though I ended up in jail for starting a fight with the local drug gang. The parents are right, Clarke did get into a mess with the gang and now they are blackmailing him. Once I found out what they have on Clarke, I politely asked them to hand over their blackmail material to me and they laughed in my face. So I violently asked with my fist instead.

The Sheriff glanced at me in displeasure as I stared back at him from behind the bars. I could tell he dislikes me already, probably think I’m trouble. Well, he’s not wrong.

John surprised me when he come to the police station to bail me out. He seemed on a good term with the Sheriff that the old man actually let me off the hook.

“Thanks, I owe you one.” I said as we got out of the police station.

“You didn’t owe me anything, Miss (Last Name). You are doing a good thing after all…for Clarke…”

“Yeah, just call me (Name). I didn’t do it for Clarke. I’m being paid by his parents, remember?” I dismissed his claim.

“Still, you saved him from the gang. I’m grateful for that.” John turned to glance at my face. “That look hurt.” He tentatively touches the bruises on my face.

I winced.  "Should have seen the other guys…“ I said with a laugh.

“I really can’t say I’m approve with how you deal with the gang though…” he said in firm tone.

“Ah, you are one of those pacifist people, huh?” I rolled my eyes.

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far…but I do believe in less violence and more talking.”

“No wonder you are a teacher.”

“What’s wrong with being a teacher?”

I shrugged. “Nothing, I suppose. Well then, Mr Smith, thank you again for your help but I gotta go…”

“Call me John.”

I blinked and then shrugged with a small smile. “See you around, John.”

“See you soon, (Name)” He actually pick up one of my hands and kissed it like a gentleman from those classic movies. “Take good care of yourself.”

&&&&

The next day, while I was hanging out on the bar nursing my drink, I spotted John entered the bar. I raised my eyebrows at him. He didn’t strike me as the type to go to a bar sort of person. Too gentlemanly. He seated himself beside me without invite.

“What are you doing here? Aren’t you suppose to teach Beacon Hills’ bright young minds?” I asked teasingly.

“I have a free period.” John replied as he glanced at me. “I feel concern for you.”

“Me? Why?”

He shrugged. “So what about you? No client today?”

“Nope.” I said. “Can I buy you a drink, John?”

“Sure.”

And from then on, we become sort of friends. I hang out on the library in lazy afternoon when my work as PI is slow. He hang out at the bar at night at my request whenever I need to wind up. I also invited him to my office to have a look around.

“Sorry, the place is messy…” I said.

“It’s fine. I’m the one who is intruding…” He glanced around the room. “You sleep here?”

“Yeah, can’t afford separate living space and office.”

John hummed. “Nice place though.”

“I know.”

&&&&

“So what’s with you and the teacher?” Holden, the bartender asked one day.

I raised an eyebrow at him. “What do you mean?”

“Lately I saw you hanging out a lot with him. Are you seeing him?”

“Just friends.”

“Friends that hang out most of the times?” he asked in obvious disbelief.

“we find kindred spirit in each other?” I spouted out bullshit.

“Fine, if you don’t want to tell me…” Holden shrugged with a pout. “You are alone today?”

“yeah. John has a teacher gala thing.”

“He didn’t invite you along?”

“Not my thing.”

He finally left me alone to deal with the other customers.

&&&&

John is adorably awkward. He told me about a fellow teacher at the school, Joan, who seem to be politely flirting with her.

“Well, if you like her, flirt back.” I said.

“I don’t know…”

“Why? Do you have someone you like already?”

“No, not really.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I think the school has rules about fellow teachers getting together…?”

“Screw the rules…” I said. “If you like her, you should give her a chance. What if she is the one for you, John and you missed your chance because of some rules?”

“I suppose…” John looked reluctant.

I rolled my eyes. “Do you need my help with her?”

John’s eyes widened. “No!” He practically yelled.

“Geez, okay, no need to yell…”

“Sorry.”

&&&&

John started seeing Joan so he started to spend less time with me.

When I reported this to my handler, Luke, he gave me an earful about it. So I had to do something.

I stalked both John and Joan on their date. I started to investigate Joan for dirt. I have to sabotage their relationship. Not my proudest moment especially since I was the one who push John into dating her. Eventually they broke up and John return to hang out with me, nursing a drink together over his short-lived romance. Though I get the feeling John isn’t entirely too troubled with the break-up.

&&&&

I finally established my reputation as a PI in Beacon Hills when I 'rescued’ a child from a kidnapper. Honestly, it was just a coincidence. I just happen in the wrong place right time kind of thing.

I become sort of famous because of what happened. My picture is in article on local newspapers. The Sheriff is actually start to look at me differently and acted all nice with me.

John gazed at me with admiration as if I have suddenly become his heroine or something. He took me out on a dinner. I told him to meet me in McDonald for burgers much to his astonishment. I think he want to take me to a fancy dinner but I hate that.

I started getting more clients as a PI. The Sheriff also started to invite me to help with his cases. I started getting into my fake job a little too seriously now, almost neglecting my primary assignment.

Luke, for some reason, seemed to know and reprimand me to 'up my game’. Ugh, I don’t like this part because that meant I have to start getting romantically involved with John to keep him with me.

So during a night while he’s hanging out on my office while we drank alcohol together, I kissed him. He kissed me back. But he acted like a proper gentleman, telling me that I was drunk and it would inappropriate of him to take advantage.

John is acting weird lately, like those lovesick fools. He become more affectionate with me, holding my hand, caressing my hair, smiling adorably at me, stuff like that.

I should be happy because he’s acting exactly as I expected him to but I like him as friend and It just so weird to change the dynamic. But I know I have to make the jump on that.

&&&&

John is upset with me. He’s actually mad because I didn’t properly acknowledge what we have, whatever that is.

“Do you like me, (name)?”

“Well, yeah, you are my best friend, John."

"That’s not what I meant and you know it.” John looked frustrated. “I want more from us. And I would like it if you want it too…”

I wanted to hit myself in the head. I should just follow the mission and become his girlfriend but I genuinely like him as a friend and I don’t want to pretend to love him. Even though for the sake of the assignment, I have to. I can tell John is losing patience in dealing with me. I have been brushing him off lately and then being affectionate next. And I said assignment, but really its all about the payday, isn’t it? Part of me feel horrible because I do consider him as friend but another part of me, the sensible one, forced me to face reality. John is just an assignment, not a friend at all. When the time come, I would have to left him behind.

John displeased with me and left, refusing to talk to me.

Now what? If he is mad with me, it would be a bit hard to keep an eye on him. Luke is going to give me hell for this. But I did accepted this assignment so I have obligation to see it through at any cost.

&&&&

I got a client, a young lady who is afraid of her husband who apparently a very influential individual in this town. The husband abused her hence she wishes for a divorce. But the husband refused so the lady, Mary, wishes for me to discreetly get a dirt on the husband and blackmailing him into divorcing her and left her alone. So I made plan for a stake out on the husband.

I saw John and he is being cold toward me on purpose. I don’t like it.

I got dirt on the husband but I wasn’t careful and was found out. His henchmen attacked me while I was walking home alone one night. Had it not for John I would have got hurt a lot worse. It was the first time I wonder if John has a dark side. The calm way he handle the henchmen with precision movement to disable them while still give them a whole of hurts is kinda…amazing but also scary.

I gaped at him. “John?”

John walked toward me and sat down beside me on the ground. He gently touched the bruise on my neck from when they tried to strangle me. “I really wish you would be more careful.” He said with a sigh.

“Thank you for saving me…” I whispered.

“Just because I’m still mad at you, doesn’t meant I don’t care about you. Because I do care, (name)…”

“I…care about you too, John.”

“But you don’t love me…”

“Do you? Love me?” I asked.

John didn’t answer for a second. He sighed. “I like kissing you. I want to kiss you some more.”

I chuckled at him and winced as I stroke my neck. I closed my eyes and thought on the night we kissed. I don’t know if I want to kiss him again but right at this moment, I very much wanted to.

“We should report this to the Sheriff and you need to go to see a doctor.” John said in concern.

“No to both.”

John glanced at me in disbelief. “These men just tried to kill you.”

“Hazard being a PI? Means I’m doing my job right…somewhat…” I said with a hoarse tone.

“Not funny, (name).” John said firmly. “Look at you, you can barely talk. You really need to see a doctor.”

“Ugh, too much paperwork.”

“I will handle the paperwork.”

“John, I really just want to go home, you know? I’m beat up…” I said tiredly.

“Fine, but you’re coming home with me.”

“Fine.” I agreed to tired to argue.

&&&&

I glanced around John’s house. It was a bit small but lovely. I saw a few sketches on the coffee table. It was sketches of some alien in nature. My eyes widened. John is suspicious after all. I thought he was an ordinary human but he knew the existence of alien? The drawing of Daleks, Cyberman and many other alien species. It was really good though, the drawing. I didn’t know he could draw so well.

“What is this?” I asked as I waved one of the sketches.

“Oh, it was just a doodle.” John said. “You knew years back there are alien invasion on Earth. Those are supposedly eye-witness account of how the alien species look like.”

“You never encounter any of them?”

“Nope.”

I picked up a drawing of a young girl. “And who is this?”

“Rose…” John whispered solemnly.

“And who is Rose?” I asked.

John didn’t answer for a few seconds. “Nobody, apparently…just someone that didn’t exist.”

I frowned. I have a feeling there is more about this Rose. So while John is distracted, I took the sketch into my pocket, intending to ask Luke to investigate her.

John prepared a warm bath for me and tend to my wounds afterward. He also gave me some hot tea to calm my nerves. He gave me one of his pajamas for me to wear to sleep.

“You can take my bed, I will sleep on the floor.”

“Your bed is big enough for two. We could sleep together.” I said.

John raised an eyebrow at me.

“You know what I meant.”

He grinned.

I shook my head. “I’m tired. I will go to bed first.”

“I will join you later.”

“Just a warning, I snore.”

John chuckled.

&&&&

That morning I woke up with John’s arms somehow has envelop me. I turned to look at his sleeping face. I couldn’t help the small smile on my face. I discreetly removed his hands and move out of the bedroom as not to disturb him. It was still a bit early.

I took my bag pulled my smartphone and took a picture of Rose drawing and send it to Luke with a text to find out about her. Then I made coffee for myself.

Shortly after, John got out from his bedroom, with adorable messy hair, looking a bit in panic. He stopped short when he saw me chilling in his kitchen drinking his coffee.

“Hey…” I greeted innocently. “Coffee?”

He gazed at me and actually sighed in relief. "I thought you left the house…“

"What if I did?”

“I would have hunt you down.” He said with this expression I can’t decipher.

I couldn’t tell whether he was joking or serious. So I decided to change the subject to my case, the reason why I become a damsel in distress for John.

“I am a PI. This is what I do. And frankly I love it. I’m not gonna stop doing what I do just because some guy decided I was in the way.” I said when John expressed how dangerous my line of the work are.

To tell the truth, if I ever left Division, I could see myself working as PI.

&&&&

I managed to get back at the guy who tried to have me killed. I blackmailed him in regard of his illegal business, forced him to divorce his wife and make him agreed to give said ex-wife generous amount alimony.

He agreed very reluctantly but I know he won’t just let me go for blackmailing him. I know he will try different ways to hurt me but for now he will back off.

John is worried and tried to stay by my side whenever he can to make sure I will not be in danger. But he can’t do much since he has school to teach and other stuffs.

I reassured him that they won’t get the drop on me again.

&&&&

This small town lately become a hotspot for crime. Robbery, kidnapping and murders. And I used to think small town means less excitement. Now it feel like too much sometimes.

My relationship with John is still shaky at best. All because I couldn’t fully open myself to him. How can I? I’m living a lie. John might know my name and the fake background of mine but he doesn’t know the real me.

And John obviously is not what he said he is either. Sometimes i catches a glimpse of someone scary within John. It made me pretty curious to try to find out more about the true John. I suspect John’s identity is a cover up. But even as I suspecting this, I started to have all this confusing feeling for him.

&&&&

The nerve of her! That Joan! How dare she said that I’m not worthy of John? Who does she think she is acting all high and mighty?

When I told John about it, he grinned childishly. “You’re jealous…” he said, pleased and wrapped a hand around mine.

I scoffed at what he claimed. Why does John look pleasantly happy with the thought of me being jealous? It was kinda annoying me.

But to tell the truth though, Joan is right, I can’t imagine why John could ever love someone like me. I’m a mess.

&&&&

“The Doctor’s companion has contacted Jack Harkness for help in locating the Doctor.”

“Stall them. Divert their attention. Create a chaos near them. Do not let them find out the location of the Doctor. The plan must not failed.”

&&&&

“DON’T YOU DARE RUN AWAY FROM ME!!” I yelled on top of my lungs while I ran after the bad guy.

My target, upon hearing my banshee scream, ran faster. Only to fall spectacularly with a trick by John who happened to be in town while I was doing my thing.

John, who heard me screaming like crazy, glanced up from his conversation with a fellow teacher. He smiled in amusement upon spotting me. He saw who I was after and did thing I can explain, creating some sort of chain reaction with stuff around him which ended up with my target fell within my reach.

“Hah! Got you, jerk-face!” I yelled as I grabbed him.

Joan winced at my language.

John grinned as he approached me. “What are you doing with him, (name)?”

“Isn’t obvious? He’s a fugitive. I’m a bounty hunter at the moment.” I said with a grin.

John smiled fondly at me.

“How did you do that by the way?”

“Do what?”

“That thing you do… I don’t know what it’s called anyway, but that is awesome!” I said.

“Happy coincidence?” John said with a shitty grin.

I saw Joan from behind John, watching us with a look of disapproval which make me suddenly have an idea to annoy her some more. I pulled John down toward me and kissed him much to his pleasant surprise. He kissed me back. I saw from the corner of my eyes of Joan leaving the scene. I grinned into the kiss.

“What bring this on?” John asked.

“For your happy coincidence.” I said teasingly.

“Get a room.” My target scoffed.

I turned toward him. “Oh you will get a room, alright, off to jail you are.” I grabbed him and pushed him to the direction of the police station. “See you around, John.”

“See you tonight, (name).”

&&&&

I was drunk the first time I had sex with John. What the hell was I thinking? It was so embarrassing. I was upset because of a case. I lost a client that I personally get attached to. I failed her. I was so upset and I drank a lot.

John took me upstairs to my place where I shamelessly (at the times) seduces him with (oh dear, someone kill me please) a lap dance and basically being a tease till he agreed to bed me. John is a proper gentleman and at first has refused me, claiming he didn’t want to take advantage of my drunken state. Apparently I told him to hell with proper and if he didn’t bed me, I would find someone who would. And after that, I distinctly saw his eyes darken with possessive desire and he did exactly what I asked and more.

I have got to admit John is an excellent lover.

&&&&

I was pissed at John for suddenly proposing me with marriage. We haven’t even know each other that long to even start talking about marriage. Hell, there isn’t even a talk about it yet and here he was, cornering me with a proposal?! What.the.hell? And when I acted surprised and confused and absolutely against it, he got really quiet and withdrawn. When I asked him about it, he gave me the silent treatment. Seriously?

He acted like a maiden I deflowered or something and now demanding I marry him as a responsibility.

I sighed in frustration. At the risk of calling myself bitchy, I really think John is too needy and I don’t like it. He’s wonderful man but why is he in a hurry with our relationship? And in the first place, this isn’t actually a real relationship!

I contacted Luke and asked him how long I am meant to watch over John and if I really have to go through a fake marriage with him. I actually got order from the above to do it. Do everything within my power to make John happy and make him stay attached to me.

&&&&

John got shot, because of me. He was protecting me from a drive-by shooting. I was trying to talk to him but he stubbornly ignoring me and then he did that, protecting me again. How could he be so stupid?

I was getting emotional as I waited for him in his hospital bed. This was supposed to be a simple assignment so why did it went too far like this? John got hurt because I choose to be a PI while inserting myself in his life.

Thankfully his wound is not severe. When he woke up, I said 'yes’ to him. At first he is confused but when he realized what I meant, he smiled brightly.

After he got out of hospital, he become more affectionate with me even in public. I don’t do PDA, I only did that before to piss that Joan.

I was suspicious with the shooting though. Things seemed to happen around me and John which kind of pushes us together. I asked Luke if he or someone from above arranged that but he had no idea. He did promise to poke around for me.

&&&&

Thankfully we both agreed on a small wedding. In fact, I vetoed wedding dress. I wore a simple white dress on the day of our marriage and we signed on a piece of paper I didn’t bother to look twice with a fake priest arranged by Luke.

I moved into John’s house. We shared a room together and I settled into our marriage life. John still disapproved of how I handle my PI job from time to time especially when he found out I got hurt. One day, I got home with busted lips from my interfering a fight between crazy divorced couple and the dark expression that flashed across his face literally give me chill. I explained to him that it was just an accident and he really need to stop having constipated face every time I got a little hurt.

John is evidently angered by me dismissing his concern. He grabbed both of my wrists and demanded I paid attention to him. I flinched at his reaction and he apologized sort of.

Thankfully, afterward I only got small cases like tracking a missing dog or stolen family heirloom. The school is out on holiday. John wanted to assist me in my work. I narrowed my eyes at him unhappily. It is almost like he want to take over my life or something. But then when I saw the childlike delight on his face when he found the missing dog or successfully retrieving the lost item, I ended up allowing him to come along.

“You’ve got to teach me about that happy coincidence trick…” I said.

“(name), I wouldn’t know how to. I just do it.”

I pouted. “Just say that you didn’t want to teach me that.”

John and I accidentally got involved with a very scary pregnant woman whose water broke and she was cursing everyone during the entire birth while the ambulance is nowhere to be found. But the look on John’s face though when he deliver that woman’s baby… I almost worried that he’s going to demand we have a children but thankfully he didn’t.

John always gazed at me with that genuine expression. No one ever look at me that way before, no one but him. I told him as much. He would kiss my neck gently and told me that everyone who couldn’t really see me for me is a fool.

And I wonder if he really see me. I lied to him, I still do, but did he know? I become unsettled at the thought of being played by him. I become determine to find out why they wanted John observed and who he really is.

&&&&

Luke is frantic when he called me about Rose. Rose was that man’s companion. The Doctor. The most feared man in universe, the face-changer, the man who is capable of being kind as much as he is able to be cruel. I froze when I saw the many known faces of the Doctor on my tablet and one of them clearly is John.

I discreetly scanned John while he was sleeping and found out he is a human, only have one heart. But the Doctor has two hearts. What the hell is happening? Someone has turned him into a human. But who? And for what purpose? Are they planning to kill him? But why assigned the Division to keep an eye on him?

I groaned in frustration. What is the big guy even thinking to accept a job that involved the Doctor? What the fuck is wrong with him? He had made me a target for the Doctor’s wrath for when he returned to his true self if that even possible. I was really, really frightened by the Doctor. I heard the stories and it wasn’t good. I know he is capable of being kind but from my side, I only ever heard his famous cruelty of no second chance.

The Doctor is a good man. That was everyone always said. But they also said he is the most cruelest man ever. When he suffered lost of his companions, he snapped and enraged at the world. He called himself the Time Lord Victorious and that the law of time is his.

Although he’s getting better, according to rumor, that he’s making amend and taking both old and new companion again, saving people and planet and whatnot, the Time Lord Victorious still existed in him and still come out to play from time to time. And that is what make the Doctor is properly frightening.

I found out that his current companion is Martha Jones and Mickey Smith. So I grabbed my vortex manipulator and went to investigate them. From what I can tell, they have lost the Doctor. I was off my game apparently because someone put a gun on my back. I recognized him as one of the Doctor’s former companion, Jack Harkness. He found me lurking around and caught me.

They interrogated me. I have no choice but to tell the truth about John when Jack force-feed me a truth drug. They demanded I bring them to John.

&&&&

“Hand off my wife.” John said coldly as he pointed my gun toward Jack and the others when he saw me being kept as prisoner after we entered our house via vortex manipulator.

When Jack, Martha and Mickey realized that John really did not recognize them, they let me go. They were surprised to learn that John had married me.

John fussed over me. “Are you alright, (name)?"

I didn’t say anything. It was my first time seeing him carrying a gun and for some reason, he frightened me greatly. I tried to calm myself.

The companion furiously asked me what did I do to him even though I am as clueless as they are. Jack demanded that I take them to the Division and to the client that asked us to keep an eye on John.

John demanded everyone to shut up. He glanced at me, expecting me to explain but I didn’t. I refused to look at him. It was Martha who tell him all he needed to know.

John looked calm after he learned the truth from Martha. He scrutinize me with his eyes. "So it was all a lie.” He said, sounding strangely not surprised.

“You are way too calm about this.” I said. “Are you sure you really have no idea?”

John looked pissed now. “Would you like me to be angry, wife?” he spatted the word with venom.

I flinched. “You are the one who asked me, remember?”

“And do you even love me or was it all just an assignment to you?”

“Does it matter?”

“Of course it does!”

I looked away. “It wasn’t real.”

“You’re lying.” he said, almost pleading me.

“Am not. Ask Jack, he forced me to eat a truth drug. I can only speak the truth.”

Jack confirmed it.

John looked sad and defeated. I wanted to hug him but all my instinct is telling me to run. I could see it within John, the being called the Doctor, and I am afraid.

&&&&

I was forced to help figuring out what happened to the Doctor and who turned him into a John.

Martha said something about chameleon circuit? And something about a watch with perception filter. But John and I never saw a watch like the one Martha described.

I have no choice but to enlist Luke. He is pissed at me for ruining the assignment and for involving him with this mess. I glared at him. I blame the Division, what kind of idiot would willingly agree to mess with the Doctor in the first place anyway? The big boss should have his head cut off for being massively stupid.

&&&&

One mess after another later, we finally found the information regarding the Doctor’s Time Lord consciousness. Jack basically has to threaten to dangle the big guy off the window before he told us about the client who made the payment for John case.

I was surprised that John willingly agreed to follow on it despite knowing the return of the Doctor means the end of John Smith. John has not talked me to me since I told him everything between us wasn’t real.

Luke provided John with the tablet containing information regarding the Doctor. And he learned about Rose. “She was real…” he whispered in awe.

I almost felt jealous. Almost. I know I didn’t have a right to be jealous. So I turned away from him to focus on other things.

&&&&

I have no idea how someone got the drop off the Doctor. Apparently during an adventure with Martha and Mickey in some alien planet, they got ambushed by a young woman called Kovarian and her army. She tricked the Doctor into a chameleon circuit of her own. The Doctor is smart but he knew he can also be thick sometimes. He had no choice but to follow along Kovarian’s demand if he want to keep his companion safe.

Kovarian had promised to let Martha and Mickey go after the Doctor follow through with the chameleon circuit. And so he did. His time lord consciousness was stored into a special hourglass and the energy is being used for experiments. For what purpose, no one know.

True to her words, Kovarian did drop Martha and Mickey on Earth where they frantically contacted Torchwood for help in locating the Doctor. What they didn’t know is that Kovarian also dropped the Doctor turned human on Earth under watchful eyes of the Division. The companion had thought that she would have taken the Doctor off on another planet.

&&&&

I managed to retrieve that damned hourglass and I pushed it on Martha’s hand. I was done with them. I was done with John freaking Smith and the Doctor. While everyone is thoroughly distracted with breaking the hourglass and the time lord consciousness forced its way into John, I ran. I was a coward. I couldn’t stand any longer be in their presence.

Kovarian, having lost and cornered, decided to hold the Earth hostage. Now, they really need the Doctor to save the world.

&&&&

I cursed the big boss for putting me in this position. I packed up my stuff and decided to go on the run before the Doctor come for me. I picked up a bio damper to throw him off my signature in case he decided to track me. And I ran and I prayed and I hope he never bother with me.

But, of course, it was only a matter of time before he find me. Luke warned me about the Doctor coming to Division demanding to meet with the active called (name) (last name). I ditched the communication device I had on my person knowing its likely Luke’s warning call is traced by the Doctor. And I ran again.

That dreaded day finally come when I saw the Doctor’s Tardis one day.

John, no, the Doctor got out of the Tardis. He was alone. He glanced at me and said, “Hello, wife.”

“I didn’t want any trouble, Doctor.” I said quickly. “I didn’t know that John is you. Had I known, I would never…”

The Doctor regarded me curiously. “You are afraid of me.”

I didn’t reply as if that is not obvious considering who he is.

“I’m not gonna hurt you. I know you didn’t have anything to do with Kovarian.”

“Then why are you looking for me?”

“I just would love to talk…”

I stared at him flabbergasted. “Talk? About what?”

He shrugged. “You are my wife.”

“It wasn’t even a real marriage!!” I snapped. I probably shouldn’t have said that but I was really frustrated and confused with the Doctor.

“It was real for john so it was real for me.”

“John is not even real person!”

The Doctor shrugged again as if he can’t see that he’s upsetting me greatly or maybe he know but didn’t care. “You took care of me, sorry, John. And even if it wasn’t real to you, I would like to say thank you.”

I was confused with his line of thought here. What? Shouldn’t he be super mad at me or something?

“I would like to offer you a chance to travel with me in the Tardis just this once.”

“I don’t believe you.”

He looked surprised, his mouth hang open.

“Why would you spend all this time looking for me? Just to say thank you? I’m not stupid, Doctor. What do you really want from me?” I stared at the Tardis behind him. “Are you trying to trick me to get inside the Tardis so you could punish me or something?”

He looked saddened. “You really saw me as the bad guy here, huh?” He noticed some bruise I have on my wrist. He moved to touch me but I stepped backward. He didn’t take another step. “What happened to you?” He gestured to my wrist.

“None of your business.” I spat furiously. I wanted to kick myself in the head for poking the bear.

A dark expression crossed his feature.

I gulped.

He composed himself into a calm and polite manner. “I would like to show you something.” he said as he raised a hand toward me.

I stared at his outstretched hand. “Do I have a choice?”

He didn’t reply for a few second. “I promise you will not be harmed. And if you come with me, you will not regret it.”

I didn’t know what possessed me to accept his words. It was stupid of me.

&&&&

He took me to that night, in the past, the first time John and I had sex. I didn’t recognized it at first. The Doctor brought me to a place, the place where I lost my client and he told me to save her.

I was flabbergasted by him again. “Isn’t that against the rule of time or something?”

“Are you really gonna argue about the rule of time with a Time Lord?” he asked back.

So I did as he asked. I saved my client. But past me had no idea, she still think the client died.

The Doctor arranged for my client to leave town and start a new life.

I didn’t understand why he did this. “Why?” I asked.

“I remembered this night. The night you come to me, sad and lost. I remembered thinking I hated seeing that expression on her face. I want to make her, you, happy just as you made me a happy man that night.”

I blushed when I realized what he’s implying. My mind couldn’t help but having a flashback of that night we spend together.

The Doctor smiled at me. “I would really like it if you come with me, (name). Travel with me in the Tardis. Have adventure together, saving people. I know that’s the reason you love being a PI. Stay with me and we can go anywhere anytime.”

A warning bell rang in my mind for a while now but, being the idiot that I am, I ignored it in favor of that handsome face smiling beautiful lies at me.

&&&&

The Doctor is fiercely protective of me. He didn’t take it well when someone took me as hostage or when I got hurt by someone else’s hand. That part of him reminded me a lot of of my times with John. It also made me very uncomfortable.

One day, I found a piece of paper and I recognized it as my fake marriage certificate with John. But why did the Doctor keep it? And then I frowned when I noticed the signatures on the certificate. What should have been John Smith’s name is now written and signed as the Doctor. What?

I confronted him about it.

“I told you it was real for me.” He said.

“It wasn’t real! This is a human marriage custom! You are not even human!” I yelled furiously. I don’t know why I was so angry over this marriage thing. I felt like I have been imprisoned and I didn’t even realized it. “How did you even change the name in the first place?” I asked. “In case you don’t know, the priest who officiate our fake wedding is also fake. So this paper…” I waved it around. “…is meaningless!!”

“He was a real priest. I made sure of it.”

Did he seriously crossing his own time stream just to make sure we have a real marriage? I can’t believe it. He really creep me out right now.

“It is still legal and binding. You are my wife.”

“Like hell I am!!” I yelled. “I’m not your wife! You are an alien and thus the marriage is invalid!”

“Not to me.”

“You can’t do that! You can’t just decide on your own which rules apply to you and which didn’t!”

“Does it bother you that much to be married to me?” he asked. “Do you hate me so much?”

“You are frightening me.”

“I didn’t want you to be afraid of me. I would never harm you willingly.”

“Take me back.”

“What?”

“Drop me back on earth or wherever, I don’t care! I just want to be away from you.”

The Doctor looked hurt but to my surprise he dropped me back on earth. “I will come back for you when you have calm down.” he said.

I wanted to scream. “No, Doctor, I want you to leave me alone.”

“I can’t.”

Oh I believe him. He is not going to let me go just like that. I started to mentally making a plan to run. But he took one look at me and he knew.

“Don’t run from me, (name).” He warned. “No matter how far you run, even to the end of time, I will always find you…forever.”

“Well, Doctor, considering you are immortal and I am not, I don’t think you will have forever.” I said cruelly.

He flinched at that. He gazed at me with a profound sadness that made me feel guilty. And then a darker expression replaced it.

I froze under his gaze. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t say that last bit.

The Tardis vanished out of sight and I can finally breath easier.

&&&&

I contacted everyone I know and begged them to help me hide from the Doctor but one word of the Doctor and they all shut me down. They wouldn’t want to risk the wrath of Time Lord Victorious.

Not even the Doctor’s companion willing to help me.

“I don’t know what he see in you.” Jack replied with disgust. “But you obviously make him happy. Even though you seem to bring a darker version of him out…”

No, I am not, I wanted to scream.

“After losing Rose, you are the first he allowed himself to love…”

And that gave me an idea. If I could get Rose back… I heard she was trapped on the other universe. If I could get her back here, then maybe he will let me go. According to Jack, Rose is the light that make the Doctor a better person. If she is here, then maybe whatever darkness the Doctor harbour will be gone and I will be set free.

With that new mission in mind, I ran again from the Doctor while discreetly trying to enlist help in opening a breach on the other universe.

The Doctor always found me, like he promised. He rescued me from danger sometimes. He traveled with someone called Donna now. He introduced me to her but not as his wife to my great relief. He gave me a look that said to behave so I obeyed.

Donna excitedly greeted me. She was a nice enough woman and I like her. She begged me to travel with her in the Tardis, claiming she need a woman’s company.

I had no choice but to agree.

&&&&

Turned out I didn’t have to do anything about Rose. Because she is coming to our world herself. The fierce woman who love the Doctor and the woman he still loves. I can smell the freedom already.

The brightened smile on his face when he saw her is annoying to me. I don’t understand why I still have such complicated feeling for the Doctor. I tried to pushes my feeling down.

Then the Daleks happened.

And then there is a meta-crisis doctor who decided to call himself John. Both version of the Doctor are stupidly in love with Rose, I can tell. Does that mean I am a rebound?

I don’t know why I am so upset. Getting away from the Doctor is what I want, right? Was I in love with the idea of the Doctor loving me or do I truly have feeling for him? I closed myself and thought of the times with John. I did enjoy his company. I also enjoy the Doctor’s company. But what does this mean?

Then everything spiraled out of control. The Doctor had to seal the breach to the other universe but he left both Rose and metacrisis doctor on the other side.

No. Just No. This wasn’t supposed to… I was so confused.

In the end, I was left alone with the Doctor once more now that Donna is also gone, having her memory erased. Seeing him standing alone, the loneliest man in the universe, how could I keep running from him?

So I stayed in the darkness with him.

&&&&

I was screaming.

Why am I screaming?

Pain. So much pain.

Where am I?

I forced myself to open my eyes. I was restrained to a medical bed and there is sort of machine whirred around me.

I froze when I saw him. The Doctor. But he wasn’t alone. There are other people I didn’t recognize.

“We will have our forever, (name)…”

The Time Lord Victorious allowing the experiment on his so-called wife in order to prolong her lifespan.

I shouldn’t have put that thought about 'not having forever’ in his mind. Now I’m paying the price.

He didn’t lie. He didn’t harm me. He let them do the the dirty work for him.

I sobbed and screamed again.

A/N: I was listening to Seven Devils by Florence and the Machine on a loop while writing this hence the title.

[aqvarius]

[HAPPY ENDING WALKTHROUGH + REVIEW] HLITF: Toru Kurosawa MS1: Meeting Him + MS2: Falling in Love

Oh, Kurosawa. Sweet Kurosawa. How I loved you. Honestly I was kind of fine with just his My Sweet Bodyguard route back in 2014. See this review for more and also for noob Tea writing back when 18 old me thought that constituted critical analysis (now I am self-aware enough to just call this a standard review/thoughts haha, what analysis…). So anyway I was kind of fine not playing Kurosawa’s routes until I started writing batch headcanons and then got a couple of asks about Toru and felt like I needed to get a better understanding of his actual character.

Expectations:

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I’d heard from a few people that his MS1 was not that good and/or straight up infuriating so naturally I was intrigued. I was writing a review at the time (Takado from Romance MD) and looked back my old reviews to see how I did the structuring and I stumbled across that Kurosawa MSB review (and my scathing Goto MSB review lol) and I liked him well enough! I just had some issues with the pacing of the story and general lack of MC involvement. So I kinda thought it’ll probably be a similar sort of route where Toru has to sort out his issues and I guess his MC will help him get through them.

I already knew from MSB that Kurosawa has a dark side so I already didn’t go into it expecting the genki type (e.g. Sora from MSB/Hiro from Love Letter from Thief X/Nagito from Scandal in the Spotlight). Well even though I thought I knew what I was getting into, this sweet and naïve girl was not expecting that rollercoaster ride of a route.

Click below to read my thoughts (spoiler warning!!) and scroll all the way to the bottom for the happy ending walkthrough

Reactions:

I wrote at the end of my notes that I’m surprised actually how similar his route is to his MSB route. I definitely want to address this in more detail but I’ll start with Toru’s character.

So Toru starts off very genki and chipper and like how he usually comes across as when you see him in anyone else’s route. He’s friendly and supportive and encouraging and he helps you out. Actually parts of his MS1 are quite similar to Soma – the way they treat and use informants in particular. I made a joke that Kurosawa is like Soma but darker and then he more or less confirmed it in MS2 so… I’m just bragging about how well I know my Boys lmao ignore me. The main difference here is that his MC isn’t the most competent, unlike Soma’s MC who is “the best suited for Public Safety” (sorry I’m like flexing here cause I love Soma’s MC so much) and actually good. That’s when Toru steps in to give you handy advice and a cheery smile since Ishigami is really good at cutting you to the ground. There’s always something jarring about going back to reading MS1 routes for any character because you always forget how noob MC is at the beginning haha. Except Soma’s MC who is a boss and a half. That being said, she does get better when she puts her mind to it.

Anyway, it takes seeing him deal with informants that makes you realise that there might be something a little more insidious about his character (but this is the same tactic as Soma so it’s not quite unique yet). But you only really get a sense of how dark he really is right at the very end of his MS1, like literally only right at the end of his Happy Ending. That also brings me to something I don’t like which is you have a whole chunk of story missing if you only get his Good End. The only thing you get is a warning from Soma that being involved with Kurosawa will make you cry and then you have to figure out from context clues in MS2 that Toru pulled a good old fuck n chuck on you. And that officially makes him the biggest asshole in HLITF. Going back and reading the MS1 special stories is tragic cause MC really believes Kurosawa is her destiny like a total fool when he’s just played her like a freaking triangle – that’s how easy she is to get played. I hope you’ve already played when reading this or weren’t planning on reading it or don’t mind spoilers because it was seriously a shock when it happened. Like I knew something was gonna go wrong because no way would it be that easy but I was not expecting that from a game like HLITF. Even when reading through his MS2, I really thought he wasn’t just playing her for sex and that there was affection there somewhere that he was just trying to tamp down. I think this is where my preconceived ideas of him from MSB were playing up because that’s maybe what would have gone down had it happened with MSB MC.

I wrote in my old MSB review that Kurosawa’s character is made of contradictions and that even at the end of his route, I still don’t quite understand him and that I found him realistically human that I felt like he could exist outside of the gamespace. Interestingly, I feel the exact same way about him in HLITF. Even after finishing his MS2 and epilogue, I don’t quite get him. Granted, I may be feeling this way because with the other Lis that I’ve read, I’ve been able to read enough to get a better sense of their characters the more I play. But I feel like Toru is someone that even after you’re together, he still keeps himself quite hidden; actually, this is far more so the case than in MSB. I joked that he wears a condom over his feelings at all times and it’s TRUE. That’s what he has on: an emotional condom.

However, this feeling of not quite getting him may be due to the dynamics between Toru and his MC and the confusing nature of their relationship and its development. The thing feels weird about Kurosawa’s MS1 and 2 is that it’s different from the other routes (except Namba’s maybe? I haven’t played him yet) in that you’re not his aide. Toru is your ‘same age friend’ rather than an instructor (although he’s 25 and Shinonome is 26 so it’s kind of interesting that there’s such a HUGE gap between you and Shinonome even though there’s only one (or maybe two) years between you). So first off it’s absolutely tragic how little Ishigami cares about you in this route lol. But I think one of the things I enjoy the most about HLITF is that instructor-aide dynamic (sorry Ayumu but dw I still love you even though we’re peers now) and that’s definitely missing in this route. You do get some guidance and stuff but it sort of comes across more as friendly advice from a neighbour rather than instruction from your mentor. I think Kurosawa had more of an instructor vibe in Soma’s Adversaries route than in his own routes.

I guess it’s that MC idolises Kurosawa as a senpai who she thinks is better in every way and she’s always fawning over how sweet and helpful and funny he is, which is why she becomes so disillusioned when he has no problems completely fucking her over. It’s quite entertaining how much this MC hates Kurosawa after he plays her. Like, she’s SO pissed. Even Ayumu’s MC never hated him even when he messed her about and somehow she kept loving him with the persistence of a parasite. No, our dear friend MC despises him.

Her anger is actually quite comical. I think personally I relate more to the type of MC that Kaga/Soma/Ishigami have, so playing Kurosawa’s routes definitely felt like more of a ‘third person perspective’ thing for me. If you have a shorter fuse than I do and like to act on your emotions then you’ll likely feel satisfied reading this route. That this MC’s personality is so different from MSB MC is probably what makes their dynamic so different. Kurosawa would never treat MSB MC like he did HLITF MC. Speaking of their dynamic though, I’m a little confused by the idolisation vs rival thing. At one point towards the end of MS2, Ishigami basically tells you to stop putting Kurosawa on a pedestal and treat him as a rival because you’re the same age – but has MC really been idolising him in MS2? Hasn’t she kind of been hating him?  

Kurosawa’s MC is also fairly different from the other HLITF MCs that I’ve played. They all generally have good instincts and a strong conviction and sense of justice and so much empathy for their men and their issues. However, there are some notable differences: for example, Shinonome’s MC is optimistic, almost to a fault. Even when she feels like she’s been betrayed, she still loves Shinonome unconditionally. Shinonome’s MC is very genki and a bit more shameless haha. MCs like Soma’s and Kaga’s (and I imagine Ishigami’s) are a little more hesitant(?) and sweeter, possibly because they’re more easily led around by the demanding Kaga and the manipulative Soma. While still having the base HLITF MC traits, somehow Kurosawa’s MC seems a little more pessimistic and more cynical than the others and overall not as cute/sweet. But also she seems to have higher 女子力 (not sure how I can translate this… like feminine aesthetic ability? Google it or google joshiryoku) since she describes wearing makeup three whole times in the route!! Which is three more times than I’ve ever in my life heard HLITF MC talk about wearing makeup. I bet Ayumu is wishing his MC is more like this lolol. Essentially I think all the other HLITF MCs trust their instructors and their relationship with their whole being (except Ayumu’s but she’s optimistic enough to get through it) whereas Toru’s MC really does not lol.

One of the issues I had with Kurosawa’s MSB route is how abruptly or inexplicably they fall in love. I have the exact same problem with this route. I’m thinking maybe they tried to do the ‘betrayed by a guy you thought was your friend and started developing feelings for and then falling in love even after seeing his true self’ thing but the problem is you don’t see them falling in love! Especially in MS2 which is literally called “Falling in love”. In fact, you just see MC getting more and more angry and annoyed at him. Okay I can sort of excuse that, maybe since I think her anger stems from the fact that he just played her like that even while she liked him so much. If she didn’t like him then she’s probably think “wow he’s an ass and I’m a terrible judge of character” but overall wouldn’t give a fuck. Even then, the MS2 Good Ending chapter seems to indicate that you’re not fully aware of your feelings for him. But when does Kurosawa start falling for you? You literally don’t know. He just plays you and plays you and treats you the same as always and then BAM episode 10 and he’s suddenly confessing his love and saying he’ll keep loving you even if you hate him (but only in the HE). I’m trying to figure out when exactly he falls for you because I don’t know that he’d do the good old ‘lie to a girl to have a one night stand’ manoeuvre if he already liked you; in fact, he even admits that he couldn’t stand you at first. Maybe he starts liking you when you start treating him coldly haha. But it also seems like he likes your soft-heartedness? I guess we won’t know for sure until his PoV is released. Voltage is getting good with making money lol.

I think I actually kind of enjoyed the MS2 GE more than the HE because I think getting Ishigami’s acknowledgement and approval (and his schedule!!!! Finally!!!!) somehow meant more to me than getting Kurosawa’s love. But this is also because Ishigami is at least respectful to you in other people’s routes usually but he’s so scornful in Kurosawa’s routes it makes me so sad haha please love me Hideki-san.

But yeah anyway I got serious déjà vu over two things: the first being the sudden random confession. The second is Kurosawa just going AWOL. I basically SCREAMED when he went AWOL cause that was an issue I had in his MSB route (you spend like 2 whole chapters just looking for him and texting him and calling him to no avail l m a o). And then the exact fucking same thing happened in his MS2!!!!! Granted, it didn’t take 2 chapters to resolve but o m g, it’s like the writer consulted with his MSB route before writing this lol. At least HLITF MC actually gets to contribute to Toru’s development this time. Similar to how Goto’s MSB and HLITF routes have some minor differences in the details of his back story, Kurosawa also has some small changes in his history with regards to what happened between his father and his uncle which is kinda nice because the story will still feel fresh and new even if you’ve played his MSB route.

ETA: another thing I forgot to mention is that Kurosawa’s low self esteem really comes through in a very similar way as in MSB. See here a quote from MSB:

and then in HLITF:

(Toru is actually Very Precious when he takes off that emotional condom) 

One thing that every single HLITF route gets right is the plot. I don’t know what else to say, the plots are always just really good. Detailed, intriguing, suspenseful, the perfect amount of action. The reason I love this whole title so much is because you have the romantic aspect but you also really feel involved in uncovering these grand schemes through investigation and it always thrills me towards the last third of the route when the action and drama really pick up. So good. The one thing that always clues you in on the possible perpetrators though is that they have sprites. Every time there’s a sprite you just KNOW they’re somehow involved in the plot lol.  The quality of the writing too has improved so much compared to other titles that were written and/or translated a few years ago. There’s a lot of contemporary slang and references that makes me feel like it’s definitely a native English speaker who’s doing the translation, and someone who’s really clued into contemporary English-speaking media and online culture.

The epilogue was kind of cute but I didn’t feel super immersed because I was upset at my boy Shinonome for going to goukon when he has me waiting around to hang out with him. Kurosawa’s MC is definitely a lot more forward than other HLITF MC (bar Shinonome’s, but Shinonome’s MC is cuter about it) which is great and she seems to be a good and mature communicator. You get a really sexy CG (which by the way can we just thank the HLITF artist because she never fails to deliver incredible art) and Kurosawa is surprisingly human in bed. You can definitely sense that their relationship is more balanced than that of instructor-aide overall; MC is more proactive rather than in some other routes where it’s always your instructors who are doing all the work lol. Maybe this is because you’re peers/same age friends.

In general, I think Toru’s a great character, really interesting, there’s lots of nuance and detail to his characterisation and I think the writers did a good job. I just prefer a different type of guy when I play otome games. I bought the ending set just to write this review for some reason thinking that it was the PoV stories but I made a mistake and it’s just the .5 stories rather than his PoV (I’m thinking it’s the sequel maybe? Where the PoV is in the Special Stories) so you’re welcome. There’s this whole water bottle/flower plot running through the special stories which is actually quite sweet and it makes me a little annoyed because it’s way cuter than the actual MS. You’ll definitely like it if you’re a fan of Kurosawa though. It’s also kinda funny cause it just goes and undoes the whole soulmate-debunking thing because I guess it turns out that you were destined to meet, just way before you two ever even knew of each other’s existence. Both the action plot and the romantic plot of Kurosawa’s Season 1 are really set up for continuing on in Season 2 and getting closer both to him and the truth behind the mysterious hospital death/cult investigation so it would be nice to see how the relationship and the story develop in the years to come. Voltage you’d better not cancel HLITF or I’m gonna beg outside your headquarters every day for 5 years and/or until I get arrested for trespassing.

If you want to get Happy Ending for Toru Kurosawa’s MS1: Meeting Him and MS2: Falling in Love, read on below for the walkthrough.

Toru Kurosawa MS1: Meeting Him Happy Ending Walkthrough

Ep 1

B. “Definitely.” A. “Definitely.”

Ep 2

C. “He’s a funny guy.” A. Nod

Ep 3 (no change)

A. “Toru with an S.” B. Try to figure it out.

Ep 4

A. “No!” B. “No way!”

Ep 5

C. “I’m doing this for myself.” B. “You’re awful.”

Ep 6

C. “Kurosawa.” A. “No, that’s it.”

Ep 7

A. “Namika, the nurse.” C. “I want to be your number one.”

Ep 8

C. Kiss him. B. “I’m not interested.”

Ep 9

B. “I’ll shake things up.” A. “He’s kind.”

Happy Ending

———————————–

Toru Kurosawa MS2: Falling in Love Happy Ending Walkthrough

Ep 1

“Congrats again.” “Basically.”

Ep 2 (I wanted to call him a lying bastard)

“We’re only coworkers.” “Ask yourself that.”

Ep 3

“Didn’t need it.” “My liaison.”

Ep 4 (You can tell him to shut the hell up lol)

“What’s this mean?” “Fine.”

Ep 5 (no change)

“No thanks.” Ignore him.

Ep 6 (“He’s a liar, but hey”)

“A few things.” ‘Everybody likes him"

Ep 7

“Yeah.” “Don’t lie.”

Ep 8

“I respected you.” Avoid his eyes.

Ep 9

“I’m fine with that.” “You think?”

Happy Ending

[captainharunanase]

Sigh...

I had Allurance for a moment only for vld to make it a ghost ship with Lance now forever pining after Allura's death.

Shiro was finally able to be the "White Paladin" of the team but he barely interacted with them or even looked at Keith.

Hunk and Pidge had amazing screentime but Matt and a few others got sidelined and forgotten.

And Keith? He apparently wasn't even in Shiro's "wedding" with that rando--Curtis--even though he pretty much has been implying since s1 that Shiro is his family and his guiding light so therefore someone he would always be there for especially in his ups and downs of life.

Sheith held on all this time only to act like coworkers in the finale but not anything more like they have forgotten how to be best friends until it was convenient for the plot.

And Allura? The girl who lost everything? She ended up being almost like Honerva--sacrificing everything that is her to help her new family get their happy endings even though she could never attain hers.

I loved the fighting, the mecha transformations, the development of the MFEs, the plot, and the final showdown against Haggar but--

--To give Lance and Allura happiness and hint on giving her a new belonging only to stripe it away as a "price" all while "subtlety" diminishing Keith and Shiro's importance to each other to make their disjointed individual endings "make sense" outside of their s1-s7 buildup and somehow mesh both ships to fail in the end as a "this was the only way to save the universe" ploy-----

--Despite the damn show constantly paralleling the lesson on how Zaggar's love turned to a twisted hate that destroyed the universe and it was up to literally Allurance and even Sheith's love that actually saved the galaxy throughout the series--

----Only to rip both ships off as a sacrifice to satisfy the plot just enough to "justify" their demise as a means to an end. That metaphorical 'smoking gun' we expected to go off at the end? Over Allurance and Sheith? Was nothing but an illusion and wasn't even loaded to begin with apparently.

It is aggravating and disappointing.

I really loved this whole season but that last episode completely went against it's own theme.

They wouldn't have let Allura sake herself let alone let her do it alone--even with Honerva.

Lance wouldn't have even accepted the thought of Allura with that dark entity in her for long or even allow her to die or even worse be forced to love her ghost for the rest of his human life.

Allura wouldn't have wanted Lance to pine after her and not move on from her. She wouldn't have asked that of him by giving him her marks as a way of keeping a part of her quintessence in him.

Keith wouldn't just estrange himself from the one person that made up his whole universe especially after his oath to Shiro of always being there. He, at least, should have been the best man in the wedding if he was the selfless type to watch the canonical love of his life get with someone else.

And Shiro? He wouldn't have remained sidelined til the very end when they only needed him for his Atlas to only help boost Voltron and he clearly, while became a pseudo-Paladin for a moment, did not make any direct change or impact on the 6-man team. He especially should have had a direct moment of any form of romantic attraction with someone in the show and not as a damn fucking footnote of a "One Year Later" offscreen and unwritten romance with a character we didn't even know the name of at first nor should Shiro's final arc be seen as a "oh btw he got married and retired? Idk we keeping it vague so we give you lgbt rep!"

Despite the clearly, already written in the show, deeper bond he has had with Keith since even before s1 and that now makes his supposed bond with Keith a moot point and now unnecessary since it did not deliver in any way or reach a pinnacle in the climax nor did it have any proper closure to even indicate whether it could have or couldn't have been in the first place.

I have a lot of amazing points I would have shared earlier if I hadn't watched the last episode but that last scene completely turned the whole s8 around it's own head and practically told it to go fuck itself.

They try to amend it with a cheap superficial "Praise Allura Day" and despite a few of the team indeed having some form of ending--the main cast which consists of Keith, Shiro, Allura and yes Lance too by his association with her as her boyfriend--was literally given the short end of the stick.

Keith was sidelined and not allowed to act but be an observer at the end with none of his usual prowess, Lance now forever will chase after Allura's ghost and be haunted by her, Allura, herself, died for literally no reason than to right Honerva and Zarkon's wrongs, and Shiro wasn't allowed to even be a part of his paladin family and only there to remind people--at the last 5 seconds--that he's gay and apparently not single anymore with literally a no-name guy (actually it's Curtis but I had to look that shit up) that looked too much like Adam for my liking and while completely disregarding everything he did for Keith and vise versa.

Man that last episode is like Bleach's last chapter.

A completely different almost rewritten reality from the entire series itself. It overturned all the canonization of seven seasons under one episode.

And whether it was DreamWorks or JDS & LM's doing is irrelevant.

While it was an incredibly impactful season it did it with a fucking high cost.

Not about the ships per say--except Allurance for why make it happen only to destroy them immediately later?--but rather the complete turn arounds it had to do to try and justify why they made it that way.

That is what's so aggravating and disappointing.

Not the plot.

But the writing standpoint of trying to explain plotpoint A to upside down B. In a way, they became Haggar themselves and rewrote B and inverted it to make no sense whatsoever but pretend that it was "the only way" for it to end.

I expected an open ending for Sheith or actual development of Keith with Acxa and Shiro with Curtis if need be--and it had to be extremely good--but they couldn't even do that right.

And Allurance? They planned for Lance and Allura since the beginning but apparently the price Lance had to pay for his happy ending was her life out of the blue and at the last second.

And that hurts me.

This isn't as bad as Bleach's notorious ending but this is a definite close second at how they completely turned things around to try and make the ships happen just so they can fail while preaching how the theme of vld is found family and true love saving the universe.

Too bad the main trio--plus Lance now too--weren't allowed to partake in that lesson or in true happiness.

I still love Allurance and I will always love Sheith.

But what they did to Allura and Shiro completely ruined both Lance and Keith's endings.

And that breaks my heart to see it as the price they paid for daring to love them and trying to make them happy.

Lance can't truly be happy now since he can't move on and let Allura go or rather he won't to keep her memory alive in him.

And Keith didn't even get to watch the man he loved get with someone else and is now estranged from his best friend he swore he loved so much he literally was willing to die with Shiro and allow the universe to pay for it.

And what of Pidge and Hunk? We know what they accomplished but what about their personal lives? Is Hunk with Shay? Is Pidge still single? Is Matt still with his girlfriend? What of Acxa and the others? It is so vague with no clear answer and that is also disheartening.

Ah, sorry for my ramble. I stayed up to watch it from 3am and it's now almost 9am as I finish typing this jumbled vent post.

I'm both happy it's over and saddened it ended that way. While I didn't expect Sheith to happen I never imagined it like this and while I hoped for Allurance I didn't want them to pay the price for loving each other to the point of ending them.

I'm sad but I won't take it out on the writers--idk if I trust them at the moment--but I am still grateful they gave me Shiro and so many other characters to love.

I just hope they understand what they did and how much they disappointed nearly everyone with this "twist" ending.

Imma go sleep now I still have a lot to process.

I thought we'd get to see them all get happy endings but apparently only half of them did.

And last but not least no one suffered more than Coran when he found out--I feel so broken for him the most since he couldn't keep the promise to King Alfor to keep Allura safe--which is what his whole point in life was and what defined him as both a mentor and father-uncle figure to Allura and his new family.

And I think that's the one that hurts the most.

Okay I'm tired and sleepy so I'll be sure to interact with yall later for better analysis of s8 when I'm in a better state of mind.

Peace out yall.

Edit: Keith apparently IS in the wedding but he’s literally behind Shiro the whole time that it took me a few rewinds to see his ponytail and slight show of his profile. Geez way to hide him from the camera angle DW it almost made it look like he wasn’t even there if you didn’t pay attention behind Shiro and gave us the impression he wasn't there to begin with.

[pharaohzeth]

Ok so I watched VLD s8 and I have opinions 8 (and feels) be warned I’ll get a lot into the Allurance and Klance (I don’t recomend reading this if your otp is Allurance there’s a reason why I didn’t tag that -but don’t worry it isn’t anti Allurance is one of my broships after all-) + an idea for a Klance au at the very end

Don’t expect sth super profound/super analysis.

The season was ok. I don’t hate it but neither is my favorite season of VLD (because s3 am I right klancers ;3).

So Klance didn’t become canon, not big deal, never really expected it to become canon anyway (still hurts but whatev that’s what fanfiction is for) and the Allurance was... bearable (I’ll get to that in a minute) I’ve never been into romantic Allurance, I’ve always prefered them as best friends or siblings. I was still left with some questions, like about Chip and Lance’s FUCKING ALTEAN MARKS (don’t get me wrong I’ve always loved Altean!Lance BUT I NEED A EXPLANATION FOR THIS DREAMWORKS I NEED AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS. 

There were moments that I LOVED, like the only 2 Klance escenes obviously (I’ll also get to that later), all the flashbacks (I mean BABY LOTOR AM I RIGHT? cute cinammon roll that must be protected at all costs) and that one different reallity to were Honerva arrived (loved that, absolutely loved that).

Like Pidge watching 80′s Voltron, her and Allura dressing like their 80′s counterparts, Pidge immitating her 80′s Voltron self and giving autographs (that was simply great).

I ship Veronica and Acxa now too (what shall we call it? Veracxa? Arcxonica? Verocxa?)

I loved Lance so much this season (I mean I always do, but this season we got to see some things of him -personality/psyche- that absolutely adored).

Also the whole thing with the original paladis, love those guys.

Older Keith cannonicaly has long hair and I LIVE FOR IT.

Episode 7 “Day 47”? LOVED IT, favorite episode of the season hands down.

It gets depressing from here on so if you don’t feel nor want to check it it’s ok, there will be no anger, but it’s still me crying and being sad over fictional caracters so be warned. Allurance and Klance ahead. 

Also even later it stops being so sad so there’s that.

Now, about the Allurance (this part gonna get log, bear with me here).

It didn’t feel right to me (not because Klance is and will always be my otp) but because it feel too much one sided; yeah, Lance loves Allura we know, I can live with that (he pretty much has since season 1) but it made me sad because it didn’t feel like Allura loved Lance, to me it felt too much like Lance throwing his love at Allura and Allura just... thanking him for it. It hurts even more because of had the DW’s team had said about Lance and needing someone to whom he’ll be their first option, and that’s not Allura (that’s Keith but I won’t get into that).

Allurance honest to got made me cry and it was for the reasons I meantioned and I’ll repeat them again because that’s how hung up on it I am.

I didn’t like the Allurance because it didn’t seem nor feel like Allura liked Lance back, sure as a friend and family but the same way Lance loved her? NO

He was always there for her, to support and help and cheer her up, but she wasn’t for him (in fact the few times we saw him in need for that it was Keith who was there for him -I’ll get to in a tick-).

He just wanted what he tought was best for her but did she listen? NO and don’t get me wrong I love Allura, I would pay her to step on me (I just think I liked her better at the beginning of the show which is sad). Heck, she got the kind of men a lot of people would like to date, charismatic, caring, loving, sincere, but it didn’t seem/feel like she was enjoying/wanted/liked/noticed it that much, which isn’t necesarily a bad thing sometimes we just don’t want things not matter how wanted those things are, sometimes we’re not ready, sometimes it just isn’t a priority or sth we want at that moment in particular but we may want it in the future, it just made me sad because Lance honest to god loved her sincerely.

Now that that’s ‘done’. The Klance this season. 

Well, there were 2 major (and pretty much the only) Klance moments, both in where Keith is there for Lance. The first one is in the first episode when the whole Allurance date happened, it was heartwarming, because there he saw that Keith sees in Lance/the Lance that I don’t feel that Allura sees.

The second one was in episode 11 after a meeting, Lance needed some cheering up and kind of a reassurance that everything will be al rigth in the end, Keith cheered him up, Keith reassured him.

I don’t really care that Klance didn’t become canon (heck I’m used to it, few of my otps are canon) but it did hurt me, because it was hinted at, not only in the show but at certain things an comferences, and maybe I’m reading too much into it, maybe it was all filtered to me through my wishful thinking and stuff like that, BUT, they said the whole thing with Lance and the person to whom he’ll be first option and then he was Keith’s first option in the game episode in season 7, and I think that got a lot of us hyped with hope.

So it truly crushed me that they didn’t even hugged in the end.

And I think it hurted me more that other times because this was my first otp that, in my eyes, actually had an opportunity to be canon, that would make sense and that would give us some well deserved good representation. But like the majority of my otps, it didn’t happen. 

And I’m not even angry about... just sad.

Because while I pretty much expected Klance to not be canon, I seriously didn’t see the Allurance coming, yeah, maybe a date was to be expected, but I think must (if not all of us) thought that ‘well, maybe they will be together for a while and later break up cuz they’ll notice they aren’t what the other is looking for’or sth like that.

And because while I didn’t expect them to become canon, I still hoped for it, hoped more than any other of my otps, because it truly feel that would be possible, that it had the biggest opportunity/chance (especially of my otps) to become canon. Because you know, Klance is canon king, or at least the fake canon king.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I won’t stay depressed over it forever, and you why? Because in the end, does it really matter? Maybe, the representation mattered, but it was not the show for it, because Voltron is a show a bout a giant robot made of 5 lions to defend the universe, romance subplots aren’t the reason why I watched Voltron, why I continued watched nor why I liked it to begin with.

I like the story, I love the characters and I love the universe, and that’s what matters the most to me. Romance is not what the show is about and it’s not why I like it.

And Klance won’t stop being my vld otp just because it isn’t canon. That’s not what shipping is about. We (or at least I) don’t ship thinks just because they’re canon, I ship things because of the chemistry of the characters, their story, heck, even maybe just for crack or aesthetics.

And in the end, that’s what fanfics are for. I’ll just continue bathing in all the Klance fanart ad fanfics.

Now see y’all, Imma go cry over my otps (mainly Klance and Asheiji) and cry more over Banana Fish (y’all should watch it, unless you’re easily triggered by certain things, better investigate the show before watching it BUT IT IS REALLY GOOD) and the fact that next week is the last episode and cry even more because I know what will happen but it will still absolutely destroy me.

Heck what about a Klance Banana Fish au in where Keith is Ash and Lance is Eiji, that would be the most angsty au ever, I like the idea, Imma do this, BE READY Y’ALL FOR THE ANGST WITH THE VLD KLANCE BANANA FISH AU TO COME, should I do it in space or rigth like BF?

[apaintedmaypole]

Favorite Podcasts of 2017

At the close of the year, I got the brilliant idea to try and compile a list of my favorite podcast episodes from 2017. By this I do not necessarily mean a list of my favorite podcasts. More specifically, I mean the episodes I keep thinking about or returning to.

First, an important podcast alert. A really good podcast serial is about to disappear. Andrew Wheeler's Valentin and the Widow has been picked up by a print publisher. He's going to take down all the episodes at the end of January. If you haven't listened to this serial already, I really recommend going and downloading it now, while you still can. (The website will call each series "audiobooks.")

My 2017 Favs List!!! This will, inevitably, be a very NPR-centric list. And yet, here it is: 

Code Switch Generally, Code Switch gives me hope for the universe. Specifically, this series of episodes was amazing:

"Raising Kings: A Year of Love and Struggle at Ron Brown College Prep" - Gorgeous, nuanced, complicated, painful, frustrating, fascinating... These are just some of the adjectives I'd apply to this special series of episodes from Code Switch.

S-Town An eight part series from folks associated with This American Life. You've probably already heard of it, if you listen to podcasts. But, if you haven't, here are eight riveting episodes about the life of a complicated and fascinating man in rural Alabama.

Dirty John Another popular one this year. This is a fascinating 6-part series on an abusive con-man and the people sucked into his orbit.

This American Life Back in the late '90s and early '00s, I'd listen to TAL on NPR religiously. I'd tune in every Saturday afternoon and suck it up like a sponge. It's been on for so long now, and has new episodes so regularly, I'm actually a bit overwhelmed by it. I have a hard time keeping up. I also know the show's format well enough that I get a bit tired of it. (Gasp!) Still, when they're on their game, they're just brilliant. Here are my personal favorites from the past year. If you have recs for other 2017 episodes, I'd love to hear them. I just don't keep track of the show the way I used to and I know I've missed gems.

White Haze - A deep dive into Proud Boys and some of the groups/people circling around the white nationalist rally in Charlottesville.

"The Revolution Starts At Noon" - The (literal) start of the Trump Presidency. (The segment on the Deploraball is fascinating.)

Embedded Embedded's most recent season was dedicated to deep dives into the history of Trump and the people around him. All of it was fascinating. Here are my two favorite episodes:

"6 Lessons About Trump From Season 1 Of 'The Apprentice'"

"How Steve Bannon's Time In Hollywood Changed Him"

More Perfect

"Citizens United" - A deep dive into the role of Justice Kennedy in this case. Sex Appeal - RBG was awesome well before she was appointed to the supreme court.

Another Round It's hard to pick individual favorites. I just like listening to Heben and Tracy hang out, be funny, and say smart things.

"Is Cory Booker The Anne Hathaway Of Politics?" - The lengthiest interview with Cory Booker I've ever heard. Also, enjoyable.

Fresh Air

"What Is Driving The 'Unbanking Of America'?" - Fascinating and nuanced look at payday lending. Prob my favorite episode of Fresh Air this year.

"How The Systemic Segregation Of Schools Is Maintained By 'Individual Choices'" - Interview with journalist Nikole Hannah-Jones on parents' choices and the public school system.

"A 'Forgotten History' Of How The U.S. Government Segregated America" - Interview with Richard Rothstein on his book The Color of Law. Really important history.

"Author Says Hitler Was 'Blitzed' On Cocaine And Opiates During The War" - What the title said. Crazycakes and fascinating.

"'What Would You Do?' Author Wants To Stop Sensationalizing The Donner Party" - What the title said. Interesting deep dive into the history.

"Biden Talks Trump, Faith And Fate In Front Of A Live 'Fresh Air' Audience" - A needed antidote to Trump.

Here are the podcasts I listen to regularly:

More Perfect - Fascinating deep dives into the history of specific supreme court cases. I'm so obsessed with this podcast I gave them money.

The Bright Sessions - Serial storytelling, ongoing. Starts as individual therapy sessions with people with abilities. Gets more complicated. (Shout out to throughadoor for turning me on to this.)

Fresh Air - Fresh Air is a necessity in my life. I get a small 30-45 minute taste of so much good non-fiction research/reporting. I wish I had time to go and read all these books too, but at least this gets me a taste of them.

Another Round - I need Heben and Tracy in my life. They help keep me sane.

Embedded - Never not good.

Homecoming - Serial storytelling with an all-star cast. 12 episodes and counting.

Pop Culture Happy Hour - Aka, the NPR podcast for fangirls.

Code Switch - Another thing that I need in my life to stay sane.

New podcasts I'm trying in 2018:

The Daily - An expanded look into one NY Times story from the day's news.

On the Media - Okay, not new to me AT ALL. But I stopped listening a few years ago. Trying again.

Nancy - From WNYC. I need more queer in my podcasts.

Rookie - From Rookie magazine. I want to hear what those kids are up too. :) 

Thirst Aid Kit - I wasn't hooked by the first episode, but I do love Bim Adewunmi. And, if I keep listening, I know an episode dedicated to Chris Evans is coming.

Podcasts I stopped listening to or failed out of in 2017:

Call Your Girlfriend - I just can't anymore. Too much frustration and uncited/poorly researched information. Also, too much love of high priced products I can't afford and don't have any interest in.

2 Dope Queens - Love 'em, don’t love the show. I'm weird about comedy

WTF with Marc Maron - I'll go back if/when he interviews someone interesting. Just don't connect enough to stay subscribed.

Anything Crooked Media/Pod Save America related - Sorry. I know they're beloved by many, but this type of politics discussion does not work for me. (Keep in mind, I won't watch Rachel Maddow either.)

It's Been a Minute - I'm sorry Sam Sanders. You seem like a lovely guy, but the chemistry isn't there and we need to see other people.

Bullseye with Jesse Thorn - Jesse Thorn just... kinda annoys me? His closing thought of the day segment has a level of smug superiority to it that makes me want to throw things.

FiveThirtyEight Politics Podcast - Generally, this is the kind of analysis I'd prefer for a politics podcast, but I'm mixed on the folks that appear with Nate Silver. Also, I just couldn't deal with it leading up to or post election. Maybe I should try it again in 2018.

[Crossposted from DW.]

[chrisabraham]

Atlas Shape Fitness Tracker First Impression

The Atlas Shape, by Austin-based Atlas Wearables, is a legit fitness tracker, including steps, sleep, personal-training, training programs--but for me, it's only a half-solution to me. That said, it's the missing half to my Atlas Wristband2, which lacks the all the fitness tracker functions Atlas Shape offers me but with a suite of workout, weightlifting, and training functions that the Atlas Shape lacks. Luckily, they work beautifully together and you'll generally find me wearing both devices whenever I am getting my sweat on.

Wearing both my Atlas Wristband2 and Atlas Shape The Wristband2 and Shape are Peanut Butter and Chocolate

I originally purchased Atlas Wristband2 because I do a lot of two-handed kettlebell swings. That, walking, and indoor rowing is the holy trinity of my workout regimen. I wanted to be able to track my kettlebell swings so that I could swing without needing to count. I wanted to just focus on my form and my breath. The Wristband2 is just a dumb sensor with a little memory and some autonomous smarts. Set it on FREESTYLE and if you have had the forethought to download the right exercises to your device, your device will not only identify your exercise but also judge your form and track your heart rate (HR). All the magic happens on the web server in their data center. The Atlas Wristband2 Isn't a Fitness Tracker But The Shape Is

The battery of the Atlas Wristband is limited, even with the MOWER SAVE MODE set to ON. So, you need to be judicious and make sure that you charge your device completely before you need it again. The Atlas Shape, on the other hand, is both surprisingly thinner, smaller, more delicate, and much more of a fitness tracker like the Fitbit Charge, Fitbit Blaze, Garmin Vivoactive, Fitbit Versa, Fitbit Altra, Garmin Vivosport, the Apple Watch, Jawbone UP Move, Misfit Flash, Xiaomi Mi Band 2, Fitbit Flex 2, or the Fitbit Zip's always clipped to the hem of my rowing trou. I Refuse to Use the Apps and Notifications

Yes, the Atlas Shape offers apps and notifications that I neither use nor have enabled. They include SMS, missed call, incoming calls, e-mail alerts, social media, calendar events, loss protection, and "activate screen on wrist raise." I don't use any of them. There's a warning underneath these toggle options that warns you that every single smartwatch sort of update or notification will reduce the band's battery life--so, no to all of those guys! I Wear My Shape in My Trou When I Use My Treadmill Desk

I transitioned from my Fitbit Charge HR to my old school Fitbit Zip when I realized that wrist-based step-trackers are not ideal when it comes to treadmill desks. For me, I clip my Fitbit Zip to the hem of my rowing trou and then use the polypro/lycra blend of the trou to mount my Atlas Shape to my right thigh when I am walking on the treadmill desk (I don't know how it works yet--I am comparing the steps my Fitbit tracks with the Shape and with the number of steps my desk tells me I have taken. We'll see in a follow-up post. Charging Is Easy But It's Not Simple

I love having a generic USB charger for my devices. Micro-USB or Mini-USB. However, those USB ports and plugs, both male and female, fail so quickly. Yikes! So, it's nice that the Shape has a very nice, magnetized, proprietary charging dock. That said, don't lose is or you're SOL. I have mine in its little home and it works really well. Instead of a gator clip like some Garmins have, it's magnetic. It's cute, and it mates with a Micro-USB. Neither the Atlas Wristband2 nor the Atlas Shape take long to charge up, but the Shape lasts a lot longer and is intended to be on your body all the time. Don't Wear the Atlas Shape in the Shower Dude, right after I showered with my Fitbit Shape, things started going wrong. So, immediately after my shower, I checked the Atlas FAQ and it says NO SWIMMING OR SHOWERING which is a serious fail since the Wristband2 is more durable than that, I think. Here's the notice, for your convenience: Atlas Shape is water-resistant, which means it is rain-proof and splash-proof and can stand up to even the sweatiest workout. However, do not swim or shower with your tracker. Shape is able to resist water, but it is not 100% full proof (water-proof). Whenever you get your tracker wet, dry it thoroughly before putting it back on.

So, while my device still tracks my steps and my sleep and syncs with the Atlas Shape app, but the touchscreen is being a total jerk. I need to thwack it with my fingers and swipe hard at it and maybe the LED screen will turn on or maybe not. I need to become a heavy-handed beast with this device, which is OK, because I don't really need to interact with it all the time (because I have all the notifications turned off).

But, it's annoying. And I would call it partly broken after the first offense. But I don't want a replacement. Why? Because the screen never turns on anymore unless I really want it to so I guarantee I am generally only sipping battery. If the screen is mostly unresponsive, the Atlas Shape fitness tracker will surely last a short week at the very most. It does pop on once in a while to let me know it thinks I'm sleeping and to remind me to be more active.

But I am going to take it off before going to the pool, the beach, or into the shower. Pity. So close to being competitive with all the other devices, which are pretty much all pool and shower-friendly. I recommend charging your Atlas Shape while you're doing the dishes, washing your car, taking a bath, grabbing a shower, or at the pool or the beach. That's enough charging. Sleep Tracking isN'T Fancy Like GARMIN, Fitbit, or TomTom

My Casio G-SHOCK with my Atlas Shape I love the Atlas Shape sleep tracker. It tells me all I need to know. When I hit the sheets, how long it took me to fall asleep, how fitful my sleep was, and how many minutes of actual sleep I got (versus just the amount of time I was supine or prone in bed). Garmin, Fitbit, and TomTom have a lot of other cool metrics, but I like what my delicate, red, unobtrusive, and svelt, offers me. Besides, a lot of those other new devices, especially the Fenix, Suunto, Apple Watch, and TomTom which are beefy and oftentimes made of steel, aluminum, and titanium. You can see how tiny this device is compared to the size of my Casio G-SHOCK Military Black Series (DW-5600BBN-1JF). I Get to Track My Workouts Using an AI Robot Lady

I have an Atlas-supplied Coach. But she's a robot lady. I assume she's a lady because this device seems to be the more feminine of the two Atlas devices. It's so purty and delicate and red and svelt and all the workouts are pretty feminine. I am into it. I am a modern man. Whenever I wear both devices, it's total yin and yang. See it yourself. I'll share it again here. See how good they look together? And they work together, too! The main differences between the Atlas Shape and the Atlas Wristband line of workout trackers is that the Shape only offers guided workouts. As far as I know, the Shape isn't as smart as the Wristband2.

It has a little HR one-LED heart rate monitor (compared to the three green LEDs on the Wristband) and when you let your Atlas Shape App know you want to do a predefined workout, it tells you what to do and when you do it, your Shape knows what you're doing it, so it leads you. The Wristband2, when using FREESTYLE, which is the only way use it, follows your lead, trying to use its big machine learning brain and little black box full of sensors to sort out which exercise you're doing for any set, from pushups to TRX rows to crunches to deadlifts to anything I throw at it--just as long as that exercise has been intentionally downloaded to the device before I start working out. It's super cool. What's better?

ELIZA (click to see larger) That my Shape App recognizes all the workouts I do using my Wristband2--without conflicting with it. They work together beautifully, once you get it working (don't be frustrated on your first sync, it can be a little tricky). So, once you do all your FREESTYLE reps on your Wristband, they show up not only in the diary/journal/log of workouts on the Atlas Dashboard but also on the Shape App, and all of your workouts synced from your Wristband is included in whatever my very own AI robot mistress personal trainer IM chatter lady tells me.

She--I'll call her Eliza from now on--knows all the manly work I've been doing on my other device and includes them all in my real-time coaching (not by a person but by the equivalent of a fitness ELIZA. I thought I would show you what it looks like but it sort of looks like a combination of ELIZA, an SMS/Chat back and forth with a real trainer, and a choose your own adventure/Japanese role-playing Nintendo game. You can't ask any unique questions, you can only choose from a couple questions that it asks you at the end of every analysis that robot Trainer Eliza offers you. I feel like I have run out of first impressions. I chose not to call this a full review because I have had some technical difficulties over the last week or so--but I just didn't want to wait any longer. Read the full article