#effecting my current life. and just spilling a lot of the insecurities i have about interacting with other people and making friends

[bokutosworld]

the ending scene | kuroo t.

pairing: kuroo tetsurou x f!reader word count, genre: 2.3k words, angst. kenma makes a cameo and offers support as the good friend that he is.  summary: in which kuroo realizes that his relationship is edging closer to its end, and it’s up to him to cut the ties. 

“Did you really love me?” His question takes you by surprise, your words getting stuck in your throat. “I want to know,” his voice breaks. “In the years that we were together, did you ever truly love me?” 

How do you look at the person you love and tell yourself that it is time to walk away? 

It’s a thought that has been sitting in Kuroo’s mind for a while now. And as he’s standing outside the library, the glass windows giving him unobstructed view of you, it seems to him that he’s much closer to the answer more than he thought. 

You weren’t alone. He recognizes the person you were with and his heart clenches at the sight. 

Yanagi was their name, and he remembers meeting him during a college party. His mind plays back that moment when you happily introduced them to each other. They were the two most important men in your life as you declared. It had only been a few weeks since you two started dating, but he was genuinely touched that you’d already considered him a special person in your life. 

But looking at the two of you from his current spot, he wonders if he still holds that position. Right now, anyone could easily mistake you and Yanagi for a couple. For a study session, the two of you seemed too close for comfort, and any other day, he wouldn’t think anything of it. He knows that Yanagi has been your best friend for years. The pair of you go way back, even before Kuroo had entered your lives. 

And he respects that. It wasn’t in Kuroo’s personality to ever be possessive to the point that he’d stop you from being friends with others. In fact, he’s the one who’s always pushing you to be more social and hang out with your friends. Just because he was dating you doesn’t mean he wants to monopolize you. 

But he has his moments when he wonders if he has ever made you smile the way you were smiling in Yanagi’s presence right now. He ponders if you’d ever laughed so hard with him, tears of joy spilling from the corners of your eyes, the way Yanagi was making you right now. You seem so free, so comfortable with Yanagi, and he couldn’t help but wish that it was him instead who was by your side. 

Kuroo has half a mind to turn around and leave you be, knowing that Yanagi would bring you home safely anyway. But your eyes catch his, and suddenly he feels frozen in his spot. 

You wave, the smile that he’s fallen in love with paints your face as you call him over. His resolve to go home and talk to Kenma about his worries dissipates the instant you beckon for him. 

“I was wondering when you’d arrive,” you stand and kiss him on the cheek the moment he reaches your table. “I’m getting hungry. It’s about time we go for dinner, don’t you think?” 

He reaches to carry your laptop, helping you fix your things. “Is Yanagi joining us?” He watches you, anxious as he waits for your answer. You take a second to think it over, but he doesn’t miss how your face lightens up at his suggestion. He watches you excitedly turn to your friend, inviting him to go. And it was when Yanagi agrees that Kuroo realizes his mistake. 

—

“Why are you here, Kuroo?” Kenma drops his bag at the side of his bed where the boy currently in question was lounging. “I know I gave you access to my flat, but that doesn’t mean you can just barge in here without a warning.” 

Kuroo grumbles, tossing and turning in his friend’s bed before he sits up with a scowl on his face. He exhales loudly, his hands flying to his hair to ruffle them in his confusion. “I don’t know what to do.” 

“What do you mean?” Kenma drags his gaming chair and takes a seat across Kuroo. He already has a hunch about his friend’s problem, but he didn’t want to assume and get ahead of himself. In times like these, he’d known that it was better for Kuroo to open up and talk about it by himself.

Kuroo opens his mouth and closes them again. He hesitates. As if the moment he starts talking about it would mean that he’s already admitted his defeat, already accepted the dreadful fate that awaits his relationship. 

“Is it her?” 

“Yeah.” 

“What is it this time?” Kenma wasn’t a stranger to his friend’s overthinking, the way he would come up with a hundred different scenarios that was not helping with the waging war in his mind. 

“I’m not sure if I’m still the right person for her,” he confesses. “Yesterday, I went to pick her up at the library and I wasn’t expecting anything, but it still didn’t feel right to see her with him. You know Yanagi.” 

Kenma nods, the name ringing a bell in his mind as it had already come up in previous conversations with him. His friend continues, “I know that she’s been nothing but good to me. She’s the best partner that I could ever ask for. I’m happy. We are happy, but yesterday, I saw it in her eyes. 

The way she looked at him. I don’t think she’s ever looked at me like that. Not a moment when she smiled or laughed with me the way she did with him.”  

He’s never seen Kuroo conflicted like this. Sure, this wasn’t the first time that his former captain came to him for relationship advice. But this was the first that Kuroo’s seemed so desperate, so dejected that the only thing that he was considering was letting go. 

“They… have a lot of history together, huh?” 

Kuroo chuckles dryly at the remark. “Yeah, and I don’t think I can ever compete with that.”

“But you were together for three years. Wouldn’t it be a complete waste just to give up and throw it all away because, I’m sorry for the word, you were insecure?” 

Kenma was right. It’s not that he didn’t trust you; he was insecure, and his doubts were eating him up from the inside. It doesn’t help that there were people around you and him that kept talking about Yanagi, complimenting their easy and comfortable friendship – how they seem like the bestest of friends, like they were soulmates.  

“I don’t think I can ever compete with what they have.” Kuroo plops back down on the bed, his voice muffled when he says, “Our three years seem nothing compared to the decades that they have spent together.” 

“So,” Kenma sits up and grabs a bottle of beer, one for him and one for Kuroo. “What are you going to do?”   

He sees the drink in Kenma’s hand and grabs it. Sitting up, he pops open the cold beverage and takes a sip before asking, “How do you look at the one you love and tell yourself that it is time to walk away? 

Sympathizing with his friend, Kenma thinks over his reply, “You don’t want to carry this burden forever. You should already know what to do before it all becomes too much, and you can’t recover.” 

—

After meeting with Kenma, Kuroo spent the rest of his evening productive, doing his homework and writing papers to keep his mind from steering to thoughts of you.   

The answer was already staring him in the face. But it was still so hard for him to come to terms with it. You were the best thing to happen to him, and he vividly remembers the time when he was so mesmerized when he saw you. People say it doesn’t happen in real life, but Kuroo swears he fell in love at first sight. 

He reminisces on your many firsts together. The second-hand embarrassment lingering when he remembers the sleepless nights he spent practicing how he would say those three words to you. But you were a force to be reckoned with. 

The words I love you catching him by surprise when they slip out of your mouth one afternoon while you were cuddling in his apartment. He wishes he could turn back time, prays that he could experience it all over again so he could press capture and keep it in his memory.  

But he couldn’t, and the reality pains him more than he ever thought it could. 

Kuroo spent the whole weekend holed up in his room. Not bothering to check his phone for messages and calls, missing how you left so many texts and voicemails on the device. The sudden silent treatment was worrying you, but you gave up, deciding that you’d talk to him at campus.   

However, once the new school week started, Kuroo was nowhere to be seen. He was still not answering any messages, and the rare times that you’d catch him, he’d have an excuse that he had somewhere urgent to go to. But a person could only be busy for so many times. 

Besides, you knew his schedule like the back of your hand. And it was becoming clear to you that he was ignoring you. But for why? You sadly didn’t know. 

—

Kuroo felt bad. He was already experiencing the effects of withdrawal from distancing himself from you. He’s been so used to you being part of his every day that it was making him feel empty without you.

But this was what he had to do, and ignoring you was his way of slowly preparing himself, and you, for the inevitable. 

And the inevitable happens right after your last class on a Friday. A whole week passed by in a blink of an eye, and you were getting hopeless over no interaction with Kuroo. Yanagi had suggested for you to check up on him at his apartment, but you knew that maybe Kuroo needed the time alone. 

So when you found him waiting for you outside the classroom, you ran and tackled him with a hug. “You dummy, I missed you. How could you be so cold to me this past week?” 

He laughs, but it didn’t sound like him. “I’m sorry, I got busy with my majors.” He takes your pile of folders and carries it. “Shall we head to our usual place for some snacks?” 

You agree, but there was a nagging voice in your head telling you to prepare for things to be never be the same again.  

The after-school date was decent. You and Kuroo caught up with your activities, exchanging stories that you’d been wanting to tell him for the past week. You notice him nodding to your words, but you avoid commenting on his disinterest and the way he seemed so occupied. 

It was when the pair of you were walking home that you finally brought it up. “Okay, something is clearly bothering you. What’s wrong?” 

His head remains downcast, the hold on your hand tightening, “We need to talk.”

He makes a stop to the playground near your home. He lets go of your hand, walking to the bench and takes a seat. You reluctantly follow suit. Without any minute to spare, Kuroo takes a deep breath and lays it down. “We should break up.” 

You wondered if you heard him right, frantically searching his face for any indication that he was joking. That he was pulling a prank despite April Fool’s Day being months away from now. “What did you just say?” 

He’s avoiding your look, “We should end this.” 

“Is that why you’ve been ignoring me?” You lash out, getting to your feet and standing in front of him. “Don’t think that I haven’t noticed. You’ve been so indifferent, so absent, and even today, you weren’t the Kuroo that I am in love with.”

He snaps, finally looking at you. “Did you really love me?” His question takes you by surprise, your words getting stuck in your throat. “I want to know,” his voice breaks. “In the years that we were together, did you ever truly love me?” 

“Where is this coming from?” You were shaking. “What ar-”

But he was relentless, “What do you think of Yanagi?” That question seemed to hit the nail on the head as you stood still, dumbfounded, shoulders sagging because for once, you didn’t know how to answer. 

“You love them, don’t you?” He smiles sadly. “And not just as a friend.” 

It’s like a cold wave washes over you, and the tension was getting too much. You take a seat beside him and Kuroo pats your head in understanding. “I see it. How you’re falling in love with him right in front of my eyes, and how he is being the same.” He drops his hand. “But I can’t blame you. I know he’s been there for you longer than I have, and there’s clearly chemistry between you two.”

You didn’t know when you started crying, but your face was becoming wet with tears every second that passes by. “I didn’t… I wasn’t lying all those times that I told you I loved you.” 

“I know.” You just love him more, he figures. 

“I’m sorry.” The instant you said those words, Kuroo feels his heart split in two. He never wanted to make you cry like this, let alone make you say those words. But this was it, the ending of his love.  

“I should be saying that.” He knows you were hurting too, but he also knows that by doing this, you could finally have the chance to be truly happy even if it weren’t by his side anymore. 

“I’m sorry for taking you from them. For robbing you of precious time you could’ve spent with them.” He kneels down, taking your face in his hands and wiping the tears. “But thank you for letting me experience what it’s like to be loved by you for the past three years.” 

One last kiss on your forehead. 

“I’ll always be rooting for your happiness.”

And with one last searing kiss on the lips as goodbye, Kuroo makes his exit from your life and draws the curtain down on his chapter with you.    

[writemoment]

The Cold Reality Pt.3

Writer: Ellie-Mae (Pen Name)

Part: 3/5

Previous Parts: 1 - 2

Summary: People leaving you is inevitable in life, that's what y/n's come to learn. No one really lasts, even when promises are made, everyone fades away eventually. One day, y/n's almost killed when caught in the middle of an Avengers battle but gets whisked out of harms way by a pale, dark haired man, dressed in green and gold. Will this be the start of a mischievous but unavoidable ending?

Pairing: Marvel Loki x Reader

Warnings/Rated: Nightmares, Angst, Trust Issues and Fluff.

Word Count: 6,840

( Reader ) P.O.V.

I've been with the Avengers for a total of two weeks and it's been hectic, to say the least. Ever since I arrived at the main base, I've been dragged to Stark and Banner to get poked and prodded for testing on the stone. There's not a whole bunch that they can do because it is inside my body and we don't know how far we can push it, yet.

Another worry is the long-term effects it may have on me. It's something I hadn't considered because I've been hoping that it'd be done with soon but clearly, it's a real possibility. Thor and Loki have been working with them because they're more familiar with the technology than we are, here on Midgard.

The thing that's hindering us is that the Asgardian Princes are clueless on how the technology will interact with our tech and especially with it being inside a 'mortals' body. Ah, right - Loki.

Loki has been with me, everywhere, for a week now and it's exhausting. We bicker and argue in between us actually having normal conversations. It's so odd because it's like he can't allow himself to be pleasant, not even for a moment. But when he is, I actually like him and it's only when he realizes his actions that he reverts back to his mischievous ways.

On the contrary, Loki has kind of been my personal medic as of late. With all the testing that's been going on, the stone has been causing after-effects of pain and Loki's used his magic to help me out, more than once.

Since that day in the hall, I don't ask about his magic much. Loki may be a jerk sometimes but he still deserves to have some privacy, he's still a living being. And so, that leads us to where I am currently.

Through the week of roaming these halls, I've found another library that's almost identical to the one from the towers. As it turns out, these libraries are usually void of members of the Avengers because they're Loki's hideouts. Which is no excuse to avoid these shelves of literature!

I sit on the couch in the ‘hideout’ with a book in my hand, thumbing through the pages with much interest. I glance up and see Loki watching me from a corner, with curiosity etched into his features. "What?" 

He blinks rapidly, almost like I broke him out of a deep thought. "I beg your pardon?" He asks, refocusing on reality. I bite my lip to stop myself from chuckling and sigh as an alternative.

"Why were you looking at me like that while I was reading? You do know that Midgardians read as well, correct?" I thoroughly enjoy teasing Loki because that's when he's his most natural in communication. It's the common ground in which we both can speak through.

"Ah, yes. What a surprise that was to discover." He chuckles, "My apologies. It just peaked my curiosity as to why you'd be reading an Asgardian spell book." Well, I didn't think he paid too much attention as to what I did in my time as he watched over me, but apparently he notices. My cheeks heat up at this realization and I blow out my cheeks before I explain myself.

"Ever since you've been using your magic to help me, I've been curious as to the tricks you do. I didn't want to bother you with my string of questions or make you uncomfortable, so I've been reading about it instead." My embarrassment is evident in my movements and I gently close the aged book.

This seems to have taken Loki by surprise and he watches me carefully, only fueling my insecurities. Slowly, he slides the book from my hands and flips through it's contents. Looking back at me, he closes it before continuing.

"What would you like to know?" He asks, coming to stand in front of me. I stutter while trying to dismiss the bother but he cuts me off. "It's not a bother and you'll waste less time if you would simply ask."

I search his face and see that he's patiently waiting for me to continue forth with my questions. "Okay...So, the other day, you healed my finger when I sliced it while cooking - How is that possible?" 

A smile tugs up at Loki's lips and he opens the book to a chapter, going through the explanation. Scooting over, I pat the seat beside me and wait to see his reaction. He abruptly stops speaking and we remain silent for a few moments.

Loki then moves in beside me, brushing his arm against mine as he proceeds to show me the pages of Asgardian magic. Despite us spending quite a bit of time together, this is the closest we've been socially. He's helped to heal me and relieve pain but nothing of this nature.

The act in itself brings a delightful shiver through my body and I try to stay still as to not bring attention to my reaction. I try to refocus my attention on the pages before me but I'm very aware of the man sitting beside me.

He goes to answer several of my questions and I work up to the most pressing of one that's on my mind. Hesitantly, the words spill forth. "Loki? I don't want to cross a line or anything but...how can you turn your skin to such freezing temperatures? You've done it to aid me with the core but it's nowhere near the ice charms mentioned."

Although he tries his best to hide it, his posture goes rigid and I can slowly feel him closing up again. Gosh dang it, why'd I have to go and ruin everything. Quickly, I dismiss the subject by rambling a string of words that result in me answering my own questions. Good job, Y/n. A+ job.

Loki nods, still letting me in a little and I can see his mind turning in ways I can't even begin to comprehend. Without thinking about it, I reach over and give his forearm a reassuring squeeze that causes me to immediately stutter awkwardly, once again, making things weird.

Surprisingly, Loki chuckles and lays his hand over mine as a silent thank you. I stare at him as he looks at me and I feel the familiar warmth spread through my chest as his thumb grazes my knuckles. He's just about to say something when we both hear footsteps coming towards us.

Retracting from one another, I feel sad at the lost connection but my attention is drawn to Peter as he scurries into our view. "Y/n! We found more of those stone, core things! Mr Stark wants you in the lab asap!" He says, sounding excited.

Peter and I have hung out a few times, sitting around watching pop culture classics in the living room and goofing off. He's a neat kid and I enjoy his enthusiasm at most things. 

Loki and I exchange a look as we get up to follow the young man to Stark's and Banner's lab - a place that I've come well acquainted with, sadly. "How'd you find more Chitauri cores, Pete?" I ask.

"Oh, Thor and Steve were able to scavenge some from the battle you were injured in." I wince at the memory and he apologies quickly before continuing, "Mr Stark had originally discarded them in a warehouse but sent for them after he learned about you."

"Then why did it take so long?"

Laughing, Peter looks over at us. "See, that's the thing - The Avengers have so much crap that's been thrown to the side that they didn't remember where the cores where exactly." 

"How organized." Loki comments. I smile at him, enjoying his sarcasm and Peter looks like he's just seen a miracle as he registers Loki's playful grin. Sometimes I forget that not many people are around him enough to know that he's not all bad.

Turning one last corner, we all enter the lab together and I immediately recognize the various weapons of the Chitauri warriors. "Ah,'bout time you showed up." Tony says before pulling me over to the devices.

"Y/n, take a look and tell me which one almost killed you." Tony says, nonchalantly. Bruce coughs and Tony gets the message. "If you could, please. We need all the information we can gather." Bruce frowns at the drawn out politeness but continues sorting through the tech anyhow.

Immediately spotting the alien gun, I cross over to it. Just before I can pick it up, Loki's hand grabs mine and gently places it back at my side. "I think it'd be wise if you don't handle the technology, pet. Please, be cautious." He says quietly and directed for my ears alone. 

Nodding, I point to the gun before Loki hands it over to the guys. I feel irritation bubble at the distrusting looks that they give him but I push it down. Honestly, Loki has been trying to help them. I know he's made some mistakes...Okay, a lot of mistakes. But that doesn't mean that he can't be trusted. Even Tony created weapons to hurt people, that doesn't make his changes any less valid.

Bruce politely invites me and Loki to take a seat, as they will be needing us nearby. Stark tries to send Peter away but I request that he stays to keep me company, which is granted. "Just don't touch anything, okay, kid? I don't need you getting hurt and me having to explain it to May." Tony pleads.

Now the fun begins....

****

Scratch that! This isn't anywhere near fun....

In the last three hours, we've discovered that it's incredibly hard to penetrate the Chitauri tech with Midgard tools, it could even be potentially harmful. They decided, since these are basically raw energy sources, that it'd be best if we mess with them outside. This way, no one around us can get hurt and we don't catch anything on fire or something.

Heat doesn't do anything to it, water doesn't do anything and it's resistant against a large amount of weight. We learned that me touching the cores don't hurt me like regular tech does and I can control it with ease. 

The cores produce a lot of energy and can enhance a lot of our tools. "Hmm, let's try this." Tony says, walking over to the core with a arc reactor in his hand. He goes to connect the two but the core starts brightly shining, almost smoking in the presence of the arc reactor. "Tony!!" I cry out.

Tony turns and sprints with us but we can only manage to get just out of reach when it detonates. The blast knocks us off our feet and we all tumble to the ground. We're all breathing hard as we turn on our backs to see the damage. In the ground, a good sized hole has been blown from the Earth. "Well, now we have a place to bury my body." I dryly joke, internally freaking out. 

"Y/n..." Loki starts but I talk over him.

"Because that's clearly what's going to happen to me. There's no denying it. You all know that this can't end well for me." My voice breaks but no tears fall. "It's okay....I accept it."

"No." We all snap our attention at the voice. Peter.... "No, this isn't how it's going to end. We can fix this, right, Mr. Stark?" No one says anything. "Mr. Stark?"

"Kid...I don-"

"We can't just let her die! That's not an option!" Peter says, irritated at our acceptance. "You guys are just giving up." Tony looks down at the grassy ground that we all are still sitting upon and guilt is written across his face.

"The boy is right." Loki stands and walks over to me. "You dying is not an option and we need to look for another way." He says but his focus is on me as he cups my hands in his, helping me up from the ground. "We will find another way." His hands are still holding mine and the others agree to keep searching.

They may have faith but I have none to be found.

****

I'm wandering around in the middle of downtown New York and it's vacant of any life. "Where did everyone go?" I wonder out loud, not being able to figure out what's going on.

My feet propel me forward and I find myself tripping over something. Oh...tripping over someone. "Wanda!?" I exclaim, crouching to the ground to turn her body and examine the damage. A startled gasp leaves me when I see her eyes glossed over and her skin cold.

"No, no. You can't be dead, you just can't."

I stand up and stumble away from her, not wanting to be near my lifeless friend. My back hits the door of a car and I immediately slide down the side, to the pavement.

I glance away from her and my eyes land onto another body, adorned in red, white and blue. I push myself up and search the ground around me, covering my mouth at the horrors surrounding me.

All the Avengers are dead..

"No, this isn't right! I'm the one who's supposed to be dead!" I cry out. Fingers wrap around my ankle and I look down at Loki's hand, grabbing at me. "Why would you hurt us?" He trembles out, a terrified and hurt look etched into his face. "Why did you kill them?!"

"But-But I didn't kill them! I didn't...did I?" Tremors rake my body and I reach down to help Loki up but he flinches away from me. "Loki, I'm trying to help you."

"NO! You will hurt me, you will kill me like you killed the rest of them!" He screams. I try to beg him, tell him that I am no harm to him. "The others may have trusted you but I won't. They're dead because of you!"

"Loki!!! Please!!"

Crying out, I startle awake and sit up in bed. Panting heavily, a cold sweat drenches my skin and I feel sick to my stomach. I'm gasping as I try to capture a stable breath.

Quickly, I fling myself out of bed and into the hallway. I sprint around the corner and bang loudly on Loki's door. When no one answers, I feel the nightmare set in again and I rest my forehead against the wooded frame, tears leaking down my cheeks.

"Y/n?" 

Whipping my head around, I see a concerned looking Loki standing behind me with a bottle of water in hand. "Loki!" I whimper and I wrap my arms around him, not caring about any awkwardness it may cause. I just need the relief of feeling his beating heart and knowing that he's alive.

"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" He asks, immediately wrapping his arms around my shoulders and his eyes stare down at the crown of my head. His hand comes up and caresses my hair before cupping my face, pulling it into view. "What's going on, Y/n?"

Sniffling, I back away a bit but he keeps contact with a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry. It's nothing, just a stupid dream."

"Nightmare?" He asks and I nod, frowning at the thought. Loki opens his bedroom door and sweeps me inside. God, it's freezing in here. "Oh, sorry - I like it cold." He says, almost as if he read my thoughts, before turning up the heater. "So, a nightmare you say?"

"Yeah....I don't know, I guess everything's just getting to me. I know it's just a dream and it's something I don't want to recount. I- I just don't want to be alone right now, if that makes sense." I say, my voice quiet.

The room switches to a hushed atmosphere and I feel like I've become a nuisance, overstaying my welcome. "I'm sorry. I'll just be heading back to, uh, bed, then." I stutter, standing up from the edge of his bed.

"How come?" Loki asks, looking confused. "You just said you don't want to be alone, yet you return to your private quarters? That's counterproductive, don't you think?" 

My mouth opens but no words or sounds come out. It's true, I don't want to go back and be alone with my thoughts. I'm quite taken aback by Loki's observance of my feelings and emotions, plus how kind he's being to me. "Yeah....It's just- This isn't your problem and I didn't want you to think I expect anything of you."

"If I did not want to help you, I would have said so. I would think you'd have figured this out by now, pet." He assures me. Dang, he calls me 'pet' a lot....Dang, I haven't corrected him and now find it endearing.

Loki walks up to me, leaning down to look me in the eye, "Do as you wish. Do note, however, that you are not a bother to me." With that, he goes to the other side of the bed and plops down with his hands behind his head.

I study him, searching for any signs of trickery that may fool me, but there's no dishonesty to find. Giving in, I sigh and move to sit down with my legs crisscrossed on the bed. "Thank you...." I say, looking down at my hands that are folded in my lap. 

"For what?"

"I don't know. I guess- for not turning me away." Loki has been nicer to me the past few days and I'm not sure why, but I'm grateful nonetheless. "I know that we don't always agree and that both of us can be obnoxious-" I trail off. 

Gaining more courage, I look to Loki and find him already watching me. "but you've helped me more than once. I've never once said thank you and that's wrong, so I want you to know that I'm very grateful for everything you've helped me with."

Loki's blue eyes soften and it's almost like a whole new person is beside me. There's no hostility or harshness to the way he's looking at me but a guilty look soon finds it's place. "I should have never called you an ungrateful mortal and I should not have hid your condition from you. I have not been worthy of such thanks. I'm sorry, Y/n."

A forgiving smile spreads across my lips and Loki looks as if a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders. "So, I was wondering if you would tell me how you learned your tricks?" I ask, wanting to start conversation. The God of Mischief shows a genuine smile, teeth and all, and I begin to wonder how many people have had the honor of seeing such an expression on the Norse God.

"Only if I get a story in return, yes?" We shake on it and he begins his intricate story of being a child on Asgard and how it all started. Both of us exchange stories, share laughs and find joy in each other's company through the night.

The next thing I know, I'm opening my eyes and It's morning. Sitting up, I see the silky green sheets covering my body and I remember the events that occurred last night. Oh crap, I'm sleeping in Loki's bed!! I search around but he's nowhere to be found in the room. All I can feel is guilt at the thought of kicking him out of his own room and I know that I need to find him.

Scurrying out from underneath the covers, I start my way out the room but soon trip. My hands reach out to take the fall but I land on top of something softer than the floor. "Oh, god!!!" I scream, rolling off Loki and apologize repeatedly. 

I hear him chuckle at me. I'm sure I sound like a broken record, which is great. "Good morning to you, too." He teases, sitting up from his make-shift bed on the ground. The friendly banter reminds me of our conversation last night and I feel my shoulders relax at the realization that we're on good terms.

"You should have woken me up and sent me to my room. I didn't mean to kick you from your own bed! I'm so so so sorry, Loki." I apologize again, not being able to help myself as I blush.

"Y/n! It's okay. After your nightmare, I figured you'd need the sleep. Plus, I wanted to be nearby in case it happened again." Loki explains, shrugging it off as no big deal. Butterflies fill my abdomen and I wrap my arms around my middle, hiding the feeling as if he could see.

Nodding, I thank him. With a smile, Loki stands up and offers a hand to me, which I gladly take. "After you." He gestures to the door and I walk out with him following. "To your room, I take?" After I nod, he escorts me to my room, "I'll be out here by the time you finish."

"Thank you, Loki." With that, he turns and walks away, disappearing behind the corner. Even when he's long gone, I smile that direction. Just as I turn around to enter my room, I'm faced with none other than Peter Parker.

"Peter!!" I exclaim, covering my startled heart with my palm. "You scared me."

"Sorry. Are you alright, Y/n? You seem awfully jumpy this morning." He asks, looking past me. "And what were you looking at? I saw you smiling down the hall." Of course he did, because I'm an idiot.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm good. My emotions are kind of everywhere, lately." I explain. One thing I love about Peter is that he doesn't question me like he does with the others. We share a few more words before he says he's off to Tony's and leaves.

If there's something I'm for certain about, it's the fact that I'm developing romantic interest in Loki. Part of me is giddy and the other part is dreadful because I know that it could never work out. I'm me and nothing's going to change that, not even this stupid core.

Taking a deep breath in, I enter my room to start changing and cleaning up for the day. After taking a shower and getting dressed into fresh clothes, I walk over to my bed. My eyes land on the green plush cover that had been draped across my body that first night in Stark Towers. 

My fingers brush over the soft material and I smile at the memory held with it. Loki and I have more in common than I realized. From my point of view, he's just as used to distancing himself from others as I am.

Which makes us growing closer a lot harder.

Do I want to grow closer with Loki? Of course. Should I allow myself to? Most likely not. Am I going to end up regretting this? I'm not su-

A knock sounds at the door and I stride over to it, meeting the god that's plaguing my thoughts. "Hello." I'm greeted with the same heartwarming smile from earlier. My cheeks flush and I manage to only make 99% of a fool out of myself by saying 'Hi' - which occurred after I stumbled for correct sounds in the English language.

Closing the door behind me, I fall into step beside Loki and we make light chatter on our way to breakfast. "I enjoyed talking to you last night." He tells, looking straight ahead. 

"Yes, I enjoyed it too. It's nice to hear about how others grew up and see their perspective on things." I lock my fingers together and try to keep myself from reaching out to him. "Asgard sounds like a beautiful kingdom. As does your mother, Frigga."

The way Loki's expression has become so bright towards me has me yearning to permanently keep it as such. "I do believe you'd be fond of Asgard. As well, you would be well adored by Frigga." 

"I wish I could have a chance to meet her and see where you've grown."

"Perhaps that can be arranged." Loki says. Although his confidence in the future is evident, I feel my stomach drop. I will never have the chance to travel with Loki or Thor or any of the Avengers that I've come to care for. "What is troubling you, love?"

My attention is snapped back to him and I force a tight lipped smile, shaking my head. "It's nothing. Just daydreaming." I dismiss the thought with the wave of my hand but I know that Loki can see through my false speech. Still, he knows that now is not the time to push at such a subject and let's it dissipate.

Our conversation has died down to a comment here and there as we continue walking, both of us trapped within our own thoughts. We reach the kitchen and I pour myself a bowl of cereal, reaching into the fridge for the milk.

"Ah, good morning - Loki, Y/n." Thor's naturally loud voice booms through the space around us. I wave slightly at him, continuing with my task. Things are still a little awkward between Thor and I, though we are in the process of getting back to comfortable.

"Morning, brother." The dark haired man responds, his voice so close behind me that the heat of his breath fans over my scalp. Goosebumps trickle across the surface of my skin and a slight shiver rolls through me. 

Thor looks between us and smiles, sending me into a fidgeting motion with reddened cheeks. "What have you two been up to?" He asks with a slightly humorous tone. My eyes snap up at him and he gives me an innocent expression, raising his eyebrow for an answer.

"What's with the inquires? I've been doing my job and watching over Y/n." Loki snaps, sounding irritated at the blonde. The hash words weren't directed at me, yet I feel like my heart has been punctured and is slowly deflating. 

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!!! Of course, I'm only a job and I need to keep a grip on reality. I'm just a liability and nothing more.

Thor must take notice of my slowly deteriorating happy mood and quickly fills the silence. "I wish to spend the day with Y/n and-" Thor is cut off by Loki's harsh snigger.

"Keep wishing, brother dear." 

"I don't have to, Loki. Stark has already agreed to me taking your...duties for the day." Thor informs us and I can see that he most definitely notice my discomfort earlier with the choice of words. Loki looks outraged but there's nothing he can do about it.

After taking a few bites of breakfast, I lose my appetite and hop off my seat to stand beside Thor. "I'll see you around, Loki." I say drably, still feeling the residual effects of my hurt emotions from earlier.

Now it's Loki's turn to notice the change in my nature and he gives me a concerned look, eyes scanning me for anything that could lead him to what's got me changed. I feel like he can see through my barrier, as if my walls that I spent years building up has all been made of glass. Glass that he's slowly cracking, letting in the harsh of the cold reality.

Before he can figure me out, I turn and walk out of the kitchen and I hear Thor follow immediately. No words are shared as I walk aimlessly through the facility but that doesn't stop the loudness that my brain is torturing me with.

Pushing against these mixed feelings as much as possible, I take a deep breath and turn to speak with the God of Thunder. "So, why have you requested my presence this fine day, Thor?" I ask, putting on a friendly smile.

"No reason in particular, my friend. I thought we could use this time to catch up on the time we've lost in the past days." He explains. So that's exactly what we do. We spend all morning talking and it doesn't take very long for our sibling-like banter to return to normal.

I'm hugging my middle, laughing so hard that it hurts my gut. "Oh, how I've missed talking with you." I admit, fanning my warm face.

"As I, with you." He sighs, finally calming down from our intense laughter. "You and Loki have become closer, have you not?" He asks, finally speaking his hesitant thoughts from this morning.

Shrugging, I fiddle with my fingers and interweave them with each other. "So it would seem." I reply, rather sadly. There's no use in attempting to hide my disappointment because Thor has this brotherly way of seeing through all of that.

"What is it that keeps you from speaking your mind, Y/n?" Thor inquires. My eyes sting with the ghost of tears and I bite my tongue to keep them from spilling. A long quiet passes as I gather myself to answer my friend, the brother of the one I've become rather fond of. 

"The heart is a treacherous thing, is it not?" I ask. Thor looks at me, not quite understanding what brought on this question.

"That's a curious question. I suppose the heart could be just so but that's why we must yield to the knowledge we possess in our mind." Thor's eyes continue to watch me carefully, as if I am the greatest mystery of the millennium.

I shake my head at how ridiculous this all could seem. "I'm scared, Thor." I quietly tremble out, my voice cracking. The blonde god looks immediately concerned and I can feel the tears brimming. "There is no hope inside me that can be used to convince myself that I will survive much longer."

"Y/n.."

"No, Thor. You don't get it!" I cry out, the tears slipping down my cheeks with ease. "This Chitauri rubbish in my arm is what got me here and because of it, I was able to meet you and Peter and Loki and Steve and everyone else. That in itself has been something I had never imagined would occur in my life."

My frown deepens when I see the pity on his face. "But this will also be where my life will come to it's end. I can't bring myself to imagine any alternative or wish for something more because that would be bringing a disservice upon myself. I can't afford anymore heartbreak than I've already encountered."

I look up at the ceiling, swiping my fingertips underneath my eyes to clear away the moisture that's collected there. "I'm sincerely sorry that this has all happened to you, Y/n. Just as you can not bring yourself to hope, I can not convince myself that this will be your end."

Thor stands before striding over to where I sit. I tilt my head up to look at him and he pulls me up into his embrace, which I gladly melt into, letting the tears run free. "You are one of the most kind of individuals I've met in all my years and I'd have liked for us to meet under different circumstances."

I sniffle in response before he continues, rubbing my back soothingly. "But this is just another obstacle that you have to face and do know that we are all here to go through it with you." Thor finishes, "Okay, my friend?"

My arms tighten around the god and all I can manage is to quietly choke out, "Thank you so much, Thor. I couldn't- I couldn't have imagined having anyone better than you on my side." I close my eyes and I know that we both disagree with one another but for the same reason. 

We don't want the outcome of this to hurt the other.

****

After our conversation, Thor and I took a walk out in the surrounding forest of the property. Which got us somewhat lost in the process and thus resulted in our return being late at night. "Thanks for today, Thor. I'm glad we got to hang out, again." 

"My pleasure. Goodnight, lady Y/n." He squeezes my shoulder before walking away. Having fun with him today was a nice change but I had continually thought about Loki throughout the whole ordeal. Which made me angry because I shouldn't be thinking of him when he was almost positively not thinking about me.

Both of my shoulders slump and I know that I need to try to rest up. Twisting the knob, I swing my door open and as I enter, I notice Loki sitting at my desk. The one person I've been trying to tune out, all day!

By instinct, I jump back and hit my head on the still open door. Scowling, I close it quickly before glaring at the man that's in my room without invitation. "You're back later than I would have expected."

"Lower your expectations and get out of my room, Loki." I snap, walking into the bathroom and checking my head. Silence follows and I beg that it means he's left but my mind knows better. 

Peeking around the corner, I see him still sitting there and he seems unfazed by my harsh words. Maybe if I just ignore him, he'll get the message and leave. I go through my room, gathering my sleeping garments and retreat back to the washroom in order to finish up.

Afterwards, I open my way back into my room and I no longer see Loki sitting at my desk. Slight guilt eats away at me and I groan as I climb underneath the comforter, trying to relieve the irritation bubbling in my chest.

Plopping my head down upon the soft cushioning of my pillow, I stare up at the ceiling and imagine becoming acquainted with the Avengers in less unfortunate circumstances. I imagine what could have become of Loki and me if I had not been an assignment. Would he have any connection with me as I have come to have with him?

Tossing over onto my side, I close my eyes and allow myself to dream of an alternate reality where things are different. Where I would have no expectations or unfortunate pasts or anything of the sort. Where I am different than I am right now.....

Bodies lay at my feet, drained of any life that once filled them and the core in my arm is glowing brightly, almost happily at the deaths it has caused. "Very well done, Y/n, Mortal of Midgard." A dark hooded figure approaches the scene but I can't make out their face. "Nothing suits you better than the darkness that has eroded every fiber of your being."

"Who are you?!" I scream, terrified of what I've involuntarily become. "Why have you done this?" My voice hoarsely calls.

The figure laughs loudly and only now do I hear a feminine ring to them. "Bring forth the trouble." She commands and Chitauri warriors step forward with a beaten and bruised Loki between them, his head hanging low.

"No! Don't you dare hurt him!" I beg desperately. "Please, kill me! Kill me instead of taking anymore lives!" I offer, wanting all this pain and suffering to end here. This needs to end.

Loki's head tilts upward until his eyes land on me, but there's only hatred being held towards me. "You!!!" He yells, thrashing against the soldiers he's held against. "This all happened because of you! They all died by your hands!"

Tears sting my eyes and I don't understand what he's going on about. "Oh, do shut up. Instead of royal highness, he should be royal whine-ness." The figure jokes but there's no humor to be found in these situations.

"Who are you!?" I demand, trying to buy time for Loki to pull one of his mischievous tricks and break free. 

"Ah, me? You know me whether you realize it or not." With that, the hood gets pulled from their head and reveals the culprit. "Surprise."

My heart drops and my face falls slack. "No, no. This can't be real. This isn't real!!" The horror seeps into my mind and I can't take my eyes off of her. Standing in front of me, adorned in black robes, I stare into the eyes of myself....

"Yes, my dear. This is what you have become." She says, gesturing to herself. "This is us, spattered in the blood of our victims. You are nothing but the past. I'm the future, you in this form."

With a wave of her hand, another Chitauri warrior comes forward and plunges their sharpened staff straight through Loki's chest. His eyes watch me as they lose color, his body slumping as his remaining life flees his body. 

"Loki, no!!! Loki, please! No!!" 

Screaming, I struggle against the covers as I try to run from the nightmare. Within seconds, my door flies open and my bedside lamp gets turned on. My eyes adjust to the lighting and soon fall onto Loki, who has come to my aid.

"Y/n, are you okay?" He asks hurriedly, concern plain to see. He stands by the edge of the bed, looking me over as I sit there frozen in my panic. "Y/n?"

I don't realize I'm crying until Loki's thumbs swipes the droplets from my cheeks. "I'm sorry, Loki." I whisper, hiccuping in the process. Part of me expects him to prod me for more context but what happens is out of character.

Loki sits beside me, in the bed, and pulls me to his chest in a hug. "No reason to be sorry, pet. It's okay." He coos as his fingers roam through my hair, soothingly. I can't push away my feelings right now and his comfort is something I greatly need. I lean into him and try to steady my breathing to the rhythm of his.

We stay like that for, what appears to be, a long time before anything is said. "Loki, how did you know I had a nightmare?" I ask.

"I heard you crying out. Given the fact that you've told me of your occurring nightmares, I didn't want you to be alone again." I was crying out? "Yes. You actually..." He answers and I realize I must have thought out loud.

"I, what?" I ask.

"Never matter. What were you dreaming about?" I want to tell him but I don't want to scare him away. I don't want him to think I'm crazy and I definitely don't want him to know that he's a big part of my nightmares.

I shake my head and he sighs. "Y/n? Please, talk to me. I want to help you." Giving in, I continue to hide my face in his chest so he can't see me and I can't see his expressions.

"My nightmares are about the Chitauri core. I always end up hurting, even killing, people in my dreams and there's nothing I can do to change it. There's no escaping what's a part of you." I don't go into details because I feel like that's a discussion for another time and I don't feel comfortable enough to expose that part of myself just yet.

"Oh, pet." Loki sighs, leaning back for me to look at him. "You need not to fear this. I won't-, We won't let anything hurt you."

Pushing away from his body, I feel the fear creep up again. "No, it's not that! Can't you see, Loki? I'm scared of hurting people. I don't want to be that, especially against my own will." 

"Y/n, you will never, ever, be that kind of person. You are more than strong enough to choose your own actions and be who you truly are." My heart flutters at his words and his blue irises twinkle at me, almost affectionately.

"Thank you...Loki." I softly say, not able to think of a better response.

He chuckles at me and moves to leave the bed. "Don't leave." I say quickly, not thinking it through. Did I seriously just say th-

"As you wish, pet." He replies, coolly. Swiftly, he moves back beside be and we both look at each other for a long moment. "Get some rest, Y/n." I go to protest but he shushes me. "I'll still be here when you wake up."

"Loki, you don't have to-" 

Once again, he quiets me and I huff in defeat. Laying down, I look over at him and I'm acutely aware of the space between us. My eyes start to grow heavy with every passing second but I fight against it.

Loki doesn't miss this and he smooths over my hair. "Sleep, please." His voice is soft and I imagine falling asleep to his voice would be pleasant. As my eyes flutter closed, I hear him speak one last time. Loki says it so softly, I wonder if I've imagined such words slipping past his lips.

"I'm not going to leave you. I promise."

Part Four Here

Masterlist Here

A/N: Cute? Angsty? Funny? Let me know what you think!!! Ah, I loved writing these. Make sure to follow me for updates!! (Crossed out means I couldn’t tag you! Sorry.) - Ellie-Mae

Tags: @jclements919 @jcalpha1 @immoralquandary @kany-eet @anaswolves @mysticalstarfishpolice

[broken-hearts-lives-among-us]

Pretending (Part 3) Jughead J. x Reader

Summary: Drama in Riverdale seems to never end, your home-life was a mess, your past was still hunting you, yet, breaking up with your boyfriend was the last straw that broke the camel’s back. How are you supposed to go through all the chaos that was coming? Are you going to keep pretending to be the normal nice girl? Or his your heart willing to reveal it’s true skin?

Part 1 Part 2

Pairing: Jughead Jones x reader

Words: 3048

Note: English isn’t my first language, I deeply apologize for any mistake.

The news of who killed Jason Blossom didn’t took long to get to your ears, having the pleasure of being notify by Sheriff Keller himself, the fact that Clifford Blossom murdered his own son was a sour event for the town with pep.

Although that wasn’t the end of the path and the suicide of the Blossom father didn’t made things easier, the responsible was no longer in this life to pay for his actions, and Riverdale’s Master of Justice wouldn’t be happy until someone got the check, that’s why FP was now facing a court about how many damn years it will take to pay the debt.

For you, things were just slightly better, after the video of the fatidic homicide was released to the forces involved, your lie wasn’t substantial enough to keep the image of being part of Jason’s death, but, you’re still being judge as an accomplice for giving a false statement at your confession and hiding the truth.

Yet, Kevin was keeping you updated about the information he eavesdropped from his father, he even heard Josie begging his mother to sneak a hand and help you not going to jail, that melted your heart away, you knew Josie was fond with you since you’ve always help the Pussycats with their outfits and stuff, but the fact that she was that worried about you was just the cutest thing ever.

Things seemed like they were just moving forward.

Maybe the sun was raising again in Riverdale

Maybe finally all this nightmare was ending.

Oh, how wrong you are.

“Hey.” Said that low-deep voice that still haunted you in your dreams.

“Hey.” You muttered without shifting your position, siting in the floor leaning your back against the cell bars, you felt him mirroring your position leaning his back against yours, the only thing forbidding the touch were those rusty iron bars.

Your heart started pounding at three hundred miles per second, this was the first conversation with Jughead since you practically told him to“Left you alone and fuck off” and lately all your talks ended up being a mess, the depth between you were just growing bigger and bigger.

“My father might be facing 20-40 years… They offered him a deal, he could spill out some names of the Serpents and that could low the sentence…”

“FP wouldn’t accept that. He’s just to stubborn and loyal…” you said closing your eyes, analyzing the new information cautiously.

“I know… I just, everything is so wrong you know…?” He sighed making your heart to swell, you slipped a hand between the bars to hold his, you squeezed it slightly as you two entangled fingers.

It was such and innocent and subtle touch, yet it made the whole world feel safe.

“How is your case?” he asked slowly, enjoying the little lazily whispering chats he has missed so much.

“I honestly don’t know… I had heard a lot of things I’m not sure what to believe, I think that in the best situation I’ll be set free with some community service job.”

“That’s great!” he cheered silently, a sincere smirk twitching at his face. “The social services were at Archie’s home today…” he added when you nodded.

“Oh, so you too.” You said quietly surprised, it wasn’t something you expected to happen, you thought that everything was okay with the Andrews taking care of him.

“What do you mean by “me too”? Did they come to see you?” he asked turning his head, facing your back.

“Oh no, no, no, they came for Tobias.” You said tightening the grip in his hand involuntary.

“Wait, what?” he said surprise turning his hole body to face you.

“Yeah, the day my house burned down.” You added casually, the more you said it out loud, the more realistic it became.

“Excuse me?” he said amused making you roll your eyes.

“Do I have to repeated it or what?”

“Actually, that would be pretty helpful, you’re welcomed to tell me everything from the beginning.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” You grunted.

“No, that’s not the point, the point is why we haven’t talk about that? Why you didn’t come to me?” he sounded hurt, and truly concerned, maybe you were being a little too hard…

You shifted, locking eyes with him. “It happened the same day FP got arrested.” You sighed. “My aunt accidentally, well I want to believe it was an accident, she threw a lightning match onto the floor and I didn’t notice until the fire started, and then the police took her and then the social services came, and Tobias was gone and… and I basically lost my home and my family in a matter of hours.” You said as quickly and summarized as you could.

You never broke the eye contact as you admired his shocked features, even in awe he was so freaking handsome, like the way his iconic lock of hair in front of his eyes contrasted with the lovely blue-icy orbs, and his slightly parted lips looked so plumb and tempting.

“You should have told me all of this before.” You read his lips rather than listening to his voice.

“Why?” you asked raising your eyes to meet his. “I’m not your deal anymore, your charity cause is over, now you have a girlfriend to take care of.” There was resentment in your heart, yet not in your statement, the words you said just leaved your mouth cold and numb, as if it wasn’t meant to mean something.

He cut your staring contest, looking down at his clenching fits. “What I said that day… I didn’t really mean it, I didn’t want things to ended like it did.”

“But it did… And it hurt, and at some point, I truly believed you meant it, Jughead…” you broke the hold on his hand, missing the feeling of your finger intertwined. “You have Betty now… And she has you, and I believe everything is okay with that.”

“I don’t really know… Like, today she wrote an article defending the Southside, and she was called “Serpent Slut”. I don’t want to be a burden to her, she’s pretty awesome…” he confessed resting his face against the cell.

“Yeah, that’s pretty cool and reckless.” You comment looking out of the window.

‘I mean, I give an illegal false statement to give your family the chance to be together again, and I might be facing jail because I wanted to protect your father, but yeah, a news article it’s pretty cool too.’ You couldn’t help but think with jealously, rolling your eyes at him.

“What?” he said snapping you out of your world.

“What, what?”

“You just rolled your eyes at me.”

“No, I didn’t.” you said restraining a blush to creep from your cheeks.

Suddenly a smug smirk appeared in his face.

“What?” you said frowning, kind of anticipating his answer.

“Are you jealous, Y/N?”

You looked at him in disbelieve, did he really say that?

You stood up at the same time that him, ready to smack that idiotic beautiful smile out of his dumb face. Yet, Sheriff Keller appeared to save the situation, well, he just saved Jughead’s ass, maybe he came to cut your head off already.

“Y/N Y/L/N, it’s time for you to face the court.” He said opening the cell, you nodded silently locking eyes with Jug as you walked out of the cage.

Keller leaded the way and you followed him silently, sharing a last with Jughead before disappearing from his visual camp.

How was fate going to treat after all this years? Would it smile at you for once, or kick you in the guts again?

~

The white soft blanked of snow was embracing the path that the loner boy and the perfect next-door-girl were walking through as they talked, leaving their foot marks behind.

“I just said Betts, that it’s like if the whole universe was telling me I don’t belong here, that everything is better without me being here… Even you, the school idiots would let you alone and in peace if it wasn’t because of me…” he said to her thinking about the events of the day, the decision between staying and going was actually killing his mind.

“I don’t believe in that Juggy… Riverdale is your home as much as mine, and here you have us, we can take care of you… In the Southside you would be all by your own, and that worries me…” the blonde said hugging his boyfriend’s arm, he smirked at her caring speech, thinking all her words one by one.

“I would have Y/N.” he mentioned trying to cheer her up, yet, it felt like it had the reversed effect as she tensed up.

“Honestly Juggy… We don’t really know if she’s going to get free from what she did…” she stopped their tracks caressing his cheek.

“I’ve the feeling she will… She didn’t really do anything bad, I mean, she didn’t know she was defending Clifford Blossom, she just tried to help.”

“She lied to a cop, that’s illegal Juggy.” She argued with a sighed, insecurity traveling to her eyes.

“Hey…” The boy’s factions softened noticing the problem in the girl between his arms. “It doesn’t matter what happens… I’m sure it won’t change anything between us.” He assured her kissing her lips smoothly, trying to ease the problems from her mind, even though, deep inside of him he wasn’t completely sure about his words.

For the first time it was the loner boy who was being fight by two precious hearts, and it scared him like nothing more.

~

Jughead’s Pov.

At Riverdale you had the jogs, the nerds, the artists, the popular elite, and pretty much everything a normal cliché High School poses, the Southside wasn’t more different, aside from the fact that instead of dealing with bully jogs, we have the Ghoulies, who are drug dealers, yay.

The poor state of the building also leaves much to desire, and what about all the security protocol? Yeah sure, the reputation of the south was nothing near good, but I don’t really like to be check by a security guard every morning.

I was currently being dragged by this Toni Topaz Southside Serpent girl who was giving me the tour around the school’s hallways, sharing with me some facts, or more like, warnings about what to do or no to in order to survive.

As I spaced out vaguely hearing her words I couldn’t help but think about Y/N, I haven’t heard of her since Sheriff Keller took her that day, and besides that, how was she dealing with a place like this?

“Hey.” I said turning my face to Toni, apparently interrupting something she was saying. “Do you know Y/N?”

She laughed as soon as my words left my mouth. “Everybody knows her Jones, after what she did for your father… Woah, seriously she has like the massive respect from the Serpents now.”

I blinked twice, portraying her like this kind of Serpent Queen which made me feel something bittersweet.

“But I knew her even before that, I went to her house when it burnt, tragic day, I can still hear her cry in my mind.” She sighed, I could tell she was picturing the image in her eyes.

I didn’t say a think, feeling lost at his words, feeling sick at the picture of she crying, in front of the flames, seeing all her life crashing down, and, where was I? In some fancy dinner at the Cooper’s, in a ridiculous suit enjoying that sort of manipulated trap made by Alice?

I felt the regret and the impotence building up my chest, and it didn’t leave me through the rest of the lessons, apparently no one has listen from Y/N, I couldn’t concentrate as the doubts stared to ring in my mind.

What if I never saw her again?

What if she passes the rest of her young life in jail?

What if she feels alone?

And if her jail mates don’t treat her well?

What if she doesn’t like the food?

Oh god, what if she’s never able to try a burger from Pop’s again?

What if she managed to scape from the justice and now she’s a run-away criminal?

‘Okay Jughead, stop it. Overthinking is an asshole and you know that, screw it up already.’ I sigh trying to calm myself as I seated alone at the canteen ready to read my book and ignore everyone else.

Surprised was my faced when a bunch of people took a sit at my table, and they didn’t hit me, or mocked at me, they just talk to me.

They even laugh at my sardonic humor rather than see me as an emotionless human being.

It was kind of refreshing.

I smiled as I saw them laugh, but it didn’t distract me from the sudden presence behind me.

Y/N?

I turned, being welcomed by the awe, and the slightly disappointment, of being faced by Betty, Archie and Veronica. What the hell were they doing at the Southside?

I ended up with the crew at the outsiders of the high school, talking with Betty about my decision of voluntarily moving to the rotten side of the apple.

“Betty come on… This place, I feel like here were I got wanted, they seem to need and, and they respect me! I kind of fit in here…” I said caressing her arms, trying to explain her that I did feel some sort of comfortability at this the place.

“And what about us Jughead? What about me? I need you too.” She crossed her arms looking at me with concern? Disapproval? Confusion? I didn’t quite know, too many emotions.

Though I could feel her sad demeaner as I embraced her tightly. “I promise you I’ll be there for you, even if I’m here.” I soothed, catching with the glimpse of and eye the eager staring of a ginger haired as I kissed my girlfriend’s hands.

Yet our moment didn’t last longer as the raven-haired girl of the group read her message, whose words froze our blood as we ran to save Riverdale’s Blossom princess before she drowned in despair.

~

“The whole town is going crazy Dad, I mean, Cheryl just tried to committed suicide in the same place her twin died, it feels surreal…” the beanie boy whispered uneasy, facing the glowing moon through the jail’s window.

“That’s why I need to stick with the ones that have my back, Jughead. I’m not giving any names to Sheriff Keller or Major McCoy.” He looked at me, decision glowing at his eyes. “Just like Y/N did to protect me, it was a dumb decision, but I appreciated it.”

“I don’t know where she is, no one knows… Dad, what if we don’t see her again?”

“Do you care?” FP asked raising an eyebrow, yet he knew he knew the answer.

“Of course, I do, I miss her.” Jughead confessed. “I have missed her all this months and… I thought I could handle being without her because it was just temporally, until she was okay with me again, but if it’s permanent, if her absence becomes permanent… I don’t know what I’ll do…” Jughead confessed overwhelmed by everything that was happening in his life so suddenly.

“Why do you care for her so much son?”

“well, she’s Y/N… She has always been there, she’s important to me, my best friend!”

FP chuckled softly. “You’re brilliant Jug, except when it comes to women and love.”

“Oh, and you’re an expert dad? Wanna teach me something?”

“Oh no, son.” He smiled a me halfhearted. “You’re going to be okay…”

They shared a glance, a sort of confident, heartwarming son-father connection. “Yeah, I’m gonna be okay… A foster family is taking me away. They are nice.” he added rolling my eyes, a smile leaving my lips.

“What about Southside High?” FP stand up walking towards his son, never leaving his eyes.

“It’s a high school.” Jughead looked at his dad pointing the obvious. “It’s got the jocks, and the burnouts, and the nerds, and all of that.” He sighed. “I’ll survive.” He reassured, a cocky grin in his face.

FP chuckled at that. “You just might.” His demeanor went serious as he nodded. “Jughead, listen to me. I’m more innocent than I am guilty, but I’ve done some stupid things, some bad things, and come what may, I have to answer for my part of it, you understand? I don’t know what’s gonna happen when this goes to trial, but you need to be there for your mom, for Jellybean.”

“I’ll do my best.” The beanie boy promised.

“Not a doubt in my mind.” Said the Serpent’s boss as he watched at his son we a smile before the chat finished, before he walked away.

To go and meet his friends are the Jubilee.

So, they could go to Pop’s and have a lot of milkshakes.

And just like that, for a moment, the kids were just being kids.

The world, for a while, became safe again.

And then, overwhelmed by the situation, the beanie boy took his blonde girlfriend to his father’s trailer.

So, he could share with her the words his heart was willing to say.

The words that could bring light to his darkness.

“I love you, Betty Cooper.” He said with warm heart eyes, is lips parted slightly retaining some air as he waited for her answer.

A second of silence, yet it felt like years.

“Jughead Jones, I love you.” Said she with the sweetest smile.

That’s how a kiss turned into another.

The heat beginning to rise at their chest.

Passion overwhelming the room.

They moved.

She crashed against the cupboard as he lifts her up at the countertop.

Her shirt got missing at the floor.

His shirt went to find hers.

He kissed her hungrily, his hand caressing her neck possessive.

Kisses rolled lower.

She moaned.

A knock on the door popped their bubble.

They jumped scared.

“Oh, my God. Is that your mom?” he asked with widen white eyes.

“Who else would it be?” the girl huffed as she got off searching for her shirt.

He opened the door.

Yet, it wasn’t her mom.

It was his ex.

Hello~ it took me a little more to update because this days were crazy. Also, the amount of short is shorter than usual but I really wanted this part to end like it did!! Next part is on the making and it’ll be at least 4500 words.  

See you peaches! <3

Next part: Some sassy serpent reader struggling with Jughead at the Southside High, how will her change affect him?

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Tag List:

@somethingweird168 @evanpeters3826 @trumpettay @oxoxo0 @superhalsteads @the-mad-girl-with-a-book @beforethebraces @agusdoti @zarinnaaaa @unaveragewriterfreak @k-n-e @letsdosciencekids  

[soriseerakyra]

Don’t Worry, I’ve Got You

A/N: This was a request from a anon who wanted a confident fem!reader with and insecure/jealous Tim Drake who feels bad when they go to galas or the beach.  Hope you enjoy, sorry it took so long

Tim felt small, not in the usual way he did when she put heels on. He didn’t mind those times, anything to get a get a look at her shapely legs as she strutted in her heels. This feeling was different. Not matter how tightly he squeezed at her waist or hard he would shake someone’s hand, he felt utterly invisible and devastatingly unimportant.  He didn’t mind that either though, not usually. Tim didn’t mind taking a backseat, he wasn’t attention hungry, or jealous when people ignore him but this wasn’t really about him. This was about her, it usually was about her.

 Whenever he was around her and she was in her element, her magnetic personality and sly shine to her eyes left people flocking to her, entranced by her confidence and mystery. When that would happen, he’d disappear. He never left her side, the pair of them were always joined at the hip, she’d make sure of that. Whenever he tried to drift away from her, she’d squeeze his hand and force him to stay there. However, it had the almost opposite effect of what she attended. He became like a handbag or an accessory. Most people would glance at him hollowly before they turned an adoring gaze to his lover. Even that he didn’t mind. He knew who she was, what she was like, and how she could easily see through all of their flowery words. Years of attending galas and balls with Bruce had taught him how to respond to these people, how to make himself known if he needed to.

 No, what bothered him the most, what made him feel small, was even when they noticed he was there, arm wrapped around her waist, and when he was engaging with them, there were those who didn’t care. Those that would lean over whisper in her ear, place a lingering kiss on her check and then flash him a smirk. She would cast a questioning eye towards him, waiting for him to say something and when he didn’t her eyes would flicker away from him. She’d always reject their propositions, never begrudgingly pushed them away and would always offer him a sweet smile and squeeze of the hand when they were gone. But he still worried. He couldn’t tell if she was hiding it well or if she truly didn’t mind, but he couldn’t help but wonder if she was disappointed in him. Weren’t men supposed to be more assertive? More possessive of their loved ones? If she was in danger he wouldn’t mind running into save her from anything, he could be a hawk then. But in situations like this, every tactic he tried left him feeling like a fledgling.

 Tonight, it was even worse. Tonight, was about her. It was the celebration of her accomplishment. Bruce had graciously had allowed her to start a Wayne subsidiary company that focused on developing technologies designed to catapult the world into the future. It’d require a lot of funding, as there was bound to be a large amount of failures with experimental tech, and Bruce trusted her to oversee this production. Her intelligence and own inventiveness made her the prime candidate to manage the such a company. There was a large buzz about the company, especially when she announced one of the first technologies that she had in development would be one that would commoditize artificial intelligence. A bold claim, that many would write off until they met the woman.

 She looked magnificent in a floor length, midnight blue gown, the sported a deep dip that exposed her lovely back.  While she seemed to glide around the party he felt like he stumbled. Every time his hand ghosted over the exposed skin of her back a shiver would run down his spin at how soft her skin was. What was she doing with him? Why had she chosen him? Every time he’d accompany her to one of these events, he’d find himself questioning their relationship more and more. The more he thought about it, the more their puzzle pieces didn’t match. The more their relationship didn’t make any sense.

 “Where are you?”

 She’d snapped him from his thoughts with her question and sly smile on her painted red lips.

 “Sorry, I was caught up in my thoughts. Did you say something?”

 A manicured eyebrow arched in suspicion as she stared through him, as if trying to read his thoughts.

 “I was asking you what you thought about leaving early? Sometime after the toasts.”

 “This is your party though,” he said looking over the crowd of people gathered in the room. She probably didn’t notice, but every time she moved, eyes followed her from one corner of the room to the other. The entire party seemed to take a deep inhale and waited for her permission to exhale. But why would she notice something like that? When you’re that magnanimous of a person you didn’t notice things like that. He supposed that Bruce on some level understood the effect that he had on people, but Tim could never actually relate to it. Neither of them completely understood what their presence felt like to those who experienced it.

 She took her seat at one of the long banquet tables and waited for him to join her. He hesitantly sat down.

 A waiter came and placed a flute of champagne in front of the pair of them. She took the glass in her hand and took a sip, before placing it back down with a roll of her eyes.

 “I don’t get the point of buying the most expensive bottles it all tastes like ass.”

 With a chuckle, he paced her one of the many glasses of water that sat on the table, “Or you could admit, that you don’t like the taste of alcohol.”

 “That’s not true,” she said with a slight pout. “I like the taste of alcohol when it doesn’t taste like alcohol.”

 He gave her a teasing smile, “You still mix apple juice with wine when we are at home.”

 “It makes it tropical.”

 He puts a hand over his mouth to hide the wide smile that covered his face, but the laughs the spilled from between his lips had captured the attention of a few guests. When they eyed him disapprovingly, he felt his lips turn down quickly, afraid of embarrassing her.

 “You see, this is what I mean,” she says brining his attention back to her form. Her furrowed brow and stern eyes expressed an amount of disappointment and irritation he didn’t want her to experience on a night like this. “There is no point in celebrating with people who make you miserable.”

 “I was just making too much noise, it’s no big deal.”

 “It is big deal if they are going to make you feel like shit,” she says rather harshly. “Who are they anyway? I don’t know them.”

 “They’re probably investors.”

 She shakes her head and crosses her arms over her chest, “I should have them removed.”

 “You’ll probably need them one day.”

 “Well I need you now, and if you’re all depressed because of what some asshole thinks or says then there is no point of them being here is there? This is why I wanted to leave. Pretending to like these people is Bruce’s specialty not mine.”

 In her anger, she picked up the champagne and drunk the leftover contents down, an angry frown pulling at her face.

 “I’m fine, you don’t have to worry about me.”

 It sounded pathetic and unnatural to his own ears. He was willing to give up his own happiness to make her happy, to make sure that she was successful. They both knew that, but they also both knew that this would not make either one of them happy. However, his insecurity kept letting words slip from his mouth that he didn’t really mean. And they would reach her ears before he would be able to pull them back.

 She looked at him blankly for a moment. Emotion draining from her face as she observed him. And he realized he would probably be the person that irritated her the most tonight.

 She doesn’t respond and instead opted to physically turn away from him. Her body shifted toward the stage watching as the first speaker began to make their way up on stage.

 This would be a miserable party.

 ***

“It was wonderful to see you again, my dear.”

 Tim couldn’t remember the name of the older woman who was currently pressing kisses to his cheeks, but he knows that he’s seen her at many of Bruce’s parties, meaning she was likely closely involved with the company.

 “It was nice to see you to,” he said with a smile. His cheeks hurt from how long he’s had to keep the smile on his face.

 As he pulls away from the hug, his eyes can’t help but worriedly linger on the form of his girlfriend who is saying goodbye to her colleagues who’d come to her party, majority of whom were male and seemed to lack the ability to keep their hands to themselves.

 He couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but the spark in her eye and the slight smirk the crossed her lips let her know that it was something business related. Had one of the proposed an idea to her? It would make sense, and would likely be the only reason that she would willingly remain at a party that she so clearly didn’t not want to be a part.

 She leaned into one in particular, He was taller than the rest, with fiery red hair. It bothered Tim. The wider her smile got the closer the stranger moved into her.

 “Are you all right, dear?”

 The older woman, once again broke him out of his thoughts. He dark brown eyes regarding him worriedly.

 “Yes,” he said weakly unable to fully break his gaze from his girlfriend surrounded by wolves.

 “Oh,” the woman said, her tone flattening to sympathize with him. “People like that aren’t always meant for regular folks like us, dear.”

 “What?” He said questioned looking back at the woman.

 “I don’t mean regular, as in lacking money. I mean we weren’t born with it, so it can be hard to keep up with those who do have it. They move in circles around us, and some of them can’t be contained.”

 “What should I do then?”

 “Let her go, that is probably going to be the best advice I can give you.” She said comfortingly patting him on his arm. “Otherwise, the rest of your life will be like this. She’ll be living her life to the fullest and you’ll be here, always on the outside, watching and waiting. Hoping that she’ll think that your more important than her work. But you never will be.”

 He doesn’t respond. Doesn’t move as the woman pats his cheek once again and wishes him good luck and leave the room.

 The party is over now. People barley filled the room now and aside from the echoing chuckles coming the small group that he’s watching.

 She wouldn’t do that to him. Set him aside and leave him hanging, waiting for her validation that he so desperately wanted.

 A lump tightened in his throat as he watched a hand drift to rest between her shoulder blades. She stiffens for a moment, skeptically eyeing the redhead who’d placed his large hand on her back.  But she doesn’t do what she normally does. She doesn’t politely shrug him off. Her lips don’t pull down into a distasteful frown nor do her eyes grow cold at his advances.

 Slyly she shifts her gaze back to him. Eyes slightly cold, she meets his gaze and with a tip of her head she assessed him. Wondering what he would do at the man’s forward actions.

 Tim felt his throat tighten in worry. Was it so easy to brush him off like this? Should he let her? Surely whatever she did was for business. She wasn’t the type of person that the old woman had been describing.  However, he couldn’t justify the thoughts as she turned away from him and didn’t bother to shove off the lingering hand. Instead, she leaned up to the man and whispered something in his ear.

 The man’s lips parted with a wide grin the way that a hyena’s wood and he let out a loud raucous laugh.  He couldn’t tell if she smiled at his laughter or not, his vision had become clouded as he watched her place a practiced comforting hand on the man’s back as he leaned into her like they were old friends.

  He wanted to vomit. Of course, she would want someone who was like her. Tall, confident, and beautiful.

A part of him wanted to run away. That would probably be best. Making a scene in front of these people would only serve to embarrass her.

 Yet even as he thought to go and wait for her, wait for her to turn her gaze back to him, he found his feet marching toward the couple in anger. He could feel his fists clench, his mind felt blank, and his shoulders hurt, he wasn’t sure that what he felt was exactly anger. More like a blinding rage.

 Before he knows what’s happening he’s smacked the man’s hand away from her back, and his fingers are laced with hers as he’s pulling her toward the exit. Well maybe he’s pulling her he can’t tell. It doesn’t feel like she’s putting up any resistance. She isn’t struggling or yelling at him for handling her so abruptly.

 His breath is coming out in heavy pants by the time they reach the car. Digging into his pocket for the keys, his handshakes when he holds objects to his face. Wordlessly he hands her the keys knowing that he would be unable to drive safely with his mind so disturbed.

 She takes them and he numbly walks over to the passenger side of the car.

 The ride back to her apartment is loud even though no words are being spoken. His thoughts are running rapidly and he can’t make sense of his thoughts. Hopefully he would eventually be able to say what he wanted when they got home.

 ***

Just a little push, a little prodding. Maybe that way he’d say what he’d been holding back this whole time.

 You watched from your position on the couch with curious eyes as he stomped around the apartment. Fists still clenched in anger. You try to keep the amused smirk from condescendingly playing on your lips, but the longer he paces through the rooms, the harder it becomes.

 It was no secret that Tim was insecure. It was something that you had often had to try and shake him out of. You often made it a point to reject those who made flirtatious advances toward you in front of him. That way he would know that he didn’t have to worry about you being interested in anyone else. You loved Tim more than you had ever loved anyone, and you didn’t want him to feel the way that he did.

 Sometimes, his insecurity was too much to bare. Tonight, had been a microcosm of some of the issues that come up with his insecurity. He had folded into himself, taking a rather passive approach to those who had made any sort of advancement to you. Even when you had suggested that it would have been best to leave, he had submissively suggested that you stay and do your do duty. That you try and please those people around you. Who cared about those people? If your company failed, they certainly wouldn’t be clamoring to be around you. They were a bunch of crabs in a barrel, using whatever they could to climb up in the world. What you had wanted him to see was that the two of you were the only people that mattered. There was no need to stay in a party where the both of you were visibly unhappy.

 You understood his train of thought though. He didn’t want to be a burden. For some reason, he had gotten a silly idea in his head that you were just waiting for the chance to leave him. That the moment someone remotely interesting came along, you would leap for them and leave him behind. As a result, whenever you were in public together, he tried to make himself more complaint, so that he wouldn’t annoy you. So, you wouldn’t think of leaving him.

 His good intentions however, had the opposite effect. The fact that he thought you were so fickle hurt. You had been together for years, and you had planned to be with him until time said that you couldn’t. The little flirtations that you had made, had been a result of the frustration that you felt, you just hadn’t expected him to react to viscerally.

 “Why are you mad?” You question. He stops in front of you, blue eyes aflame, and chest heaving in frustration. You knew your teasing tone was probably unhelpful right now, but it was natural and something that helped to attract the unwanted attention you got in the first place.

 “Can you please just stop?” Its pleading and it forces itself past his lips in rather harsh tone that leaves you a little taken aback. “Can you just stop being you for five minutes? It’s so frustrating!”

 Your back straightens as you cross your arms and legs and you look at him with a raised eyebrow with a cock of your head, “I thought you liked me.”

 “I do!” He says exasperatedly. “And everyone else does too, that’s the problem!”

 “I can’t help it if my magnanimous personality attracts those of lesser capability.”

 “Don’t do that right now, please. I’m just like them.” He pleads. There is a rush of emotions that floods his features and you feel slightly guilty when frustrated tears fill the corners of his eyes.

 “It feels like I’m drowning,” he says with a shrug, large hands resting on his head as he tries to calm himself. “Every time I go out with you, I realize that I’m not supposed to be there. That there is a world that you’ve created that I can’t ever fully be a part of.”

 “You’ll have to forgive me if I seem stupid, dense, or dumb. But isn’t it just like going to a party with Bruce? You should be used to this by now.” You try to reason with him.

 “It’s different because it’s you!” With a heavy sigh, he plops himself down next you, head buried in hand. He looks at you tiredly. “It’s like you’re the sun. You’re so big that you don’t even notice the planets around you. How you control their very destiny. Its effortless for you. When I’m with you I can see how everyone hangs on your every word. How central you are for these people’s lives. The things that you have done and will do will save more people in a day then I will have in a lifetime. When we are around those people, it is so hard to pretend, that I’m ever going to be on your level. It makes no since that you would want to be with me.”

 “Do you not want to be with me?”

 “No, I don’t mean that.” He says with a shake of his head. “It just feels like there is going to come a point where we just don’t make since anymore. Where having someone like me by your side doesn’t help you in anyway. I’m always wondering, how long we’ll have until we reach that point.”

 You watch him for a moment, unsure of what to say to bring him comfort. Perhaps you weren’t the best at showing him how much he meant to you. Maybe you just assumed that a part of him, deep down, would understand your feelings. Clearly that wasn’t the case.

 “You shouldn’t worry so much,” you say after a while of silence. You reach over and take his hand in yours and threading your fingers together. “Because you’re wrong.”

 “What do you mean?” He says with a furrowed brow.

 “The sun is a rare, because it’s a single star system. Most stars are binary, they come in pairs. So, you’re wrong I’m not the Sun. That would mean I would be able to do everything I do by myself and that’s just not true. I can’t imagine what it would be like without you. It’s hard to remember what life was like when you weren’t there. All those people, they mean nothing to me. They have no interest in what I like, they don’t know my hopes or dreams, or what I’m afraid of.  They like me because they see the money I can make them, how they can use me for their own ends. For you to even think that I would have any interest in them is foolish.”

 “I- “

 “I’m not finished, Drake.” You say firmly. “Perhaps I pushed you a little too far tonight. I shouldn’t have flirted, it wasn’t right. But there is a part of me that want you to be the person I see all the time. If we must go to these parties, I want you to be there with me, laughing at their hideous dresses and toupees. It is so strange to see you worry about being good enough for me, when I think you’re the most important person in the world.”

 He looks at you for a moment, slightly stunned at your words. You lean toward him and press a kiss to his cheek and lovingly rest your head on his shoulder.

 “The rest of those people are just background noise, cosmic background radiation if we are using analogies to space,” you say with a slight chuckle and earning slight smile in return. “If it makes you feel better I can get a tattoo across my chest with your name on it. They’ll definitely leave me alone then.”

 “Then I’ll be worried about the tattoo artist that was touching your chest.”

 “Well, we are at a dilemma then aren’t we.”

 “Sorry, for causing you trouble.”

 “It’s good trouble.” You say with a smile. “It lets me know that you care, even if you are being slightly irrational.”

 Its silent for a moment and the two of you lean back against to the couch. The grip his hand has on yours tightens for a moment and he lets out a breath as the heavy tension releases from his shoulders.

 “I supposed I really do have nothing to worry about.”

 “Oh?” You question, eyes shifting to meet his questioningly. “What made you come to that realization.”

 “Who else would understand what you mean when you compare people to cosmic background radiation? When they start talking to you they’ll realize you’re just a giant nerd.”

 “Yes, well, we have that in common.”

[residualsociety-blog-blog]

Therapy 3 (Removing Bandages)

1. Knowing that I have been insulated with a privileged life, has this led me into an existence of melancholy that has no foundation?

I have always been drawn to the melancholy. Blame it on my upbringing of suppressive emotion from the hardened baby boomer Irishmen around me or on the self-detrimental music I listened to (probably symptomatic of reason #1). In my more religious days, the idea of being sick without a cure always brought an egocentric tear to my eye. I’ve always resonated with the idea of being deprived and stuck on a hopeless ship with no ending destination. Does this fantasy have any merit?

Relatively speaking, probably not. Yes, this life is built on the foundations of pain that we build houses on; creating illusions of safety and decorating them in distracting ways. I grew up in a part of the world though that was well nourished, both literally and figuratively speaking. My parents had flaws, of course, but relatively speaking these flaws were incredibly minor in nature. In fact, the loving/sheltering nature of my upbringing is probably my biggest flaw, since I lack the understanding of how dark the darkness can get. I misperceive my shadow as epitome of darkness, when there are far darker dungeons of pain that exist. I try to understand the hierarchy of pains, sometimes successfully, but even then I still lack the feeling that reinforces the idea and brings it to life.

So why not use the positive force in my life to become a beacon of hope to others, or at the very least not pretend that my life is any harder than anyone else’s? Well, thats where it gets complicated. 

Maybe I’m trying harder with all of the self improvement actions I’m taking. I rarely speak of my demons and are way more present for others (for the most part, I think I’m trying). Maybe just slowing down and stepping into the shoes of others and being more realistic about the depth of my own problems is the keys. Being conscious with the realities around me.

2. In what circumstances have I ended relationships with friends and girlfriends? Were they worthy of these measures?

This is going to be hard.

Rachel: Lack of trust. I always assumed she was up to no good. This was textbook overthinking mixed with a large heaping dose of insecurity. The first time I broke up with her was because I thought I could do better. The second time was the opposite.

Amy: We were not compatible, though I wanted us to be. She had a kind heart, was very caring, and on paper was an ideal companion. However, everything personality and value related just did not compute. I always went into a meeting with her with a “lets make this a good night” attitude and left emotionally exhausted from a night of personality dissonance.

Relationships:

Lex: This one is two sided. I did not trust Lex, similar to Rachel, but there were things to not trust. I always had the sense that Lex was up to no good, and I don’t think that was a misguided notion. Lex loved conflict and drama, and spent most of her time digging into the shit of others. I can’t imagine this did not spill into our relationship as well, although it’s hard to tell where.

I also was not very fair to her. I, again, was very insecure, and would constantly be checking her location (one of my more alarming qualities). She was obsessed “fitting in”, and would put scandalous pictures on her social media for attention. It was fair for me to have issue with this, but I would present it in ways that were not fair to her. I should have communicated it in a simple and non-judging way, which I don’t think I did.

It’s weird, I loved spending time with her but I don’t think I actually loved her. She was something fun to experience but was not good for me, like the Rick and Morty episode where Rick sidetracks Unity from her purpose to have a good time. 

I also just run away from conflict whenever possible, which I did in that relationship. Most issues we had were only addressed when they boiled over.

It was a game to keep Lex. I had to be somebody I wasn’t (or someone I was not yet).

Friendships:

James: It was a wise decision to let go of this relationship. James was self destructive, and worse, destructive to those he was around.

Jon: I don’t blame Jon for removing me from his band. I was not a man of solutions, just problems based on my unpolished philosophies of what music should be. We innately did not see eye to eye of what art should be and it let me effect how I saw him as a person. He also was not communicative towards the end, which I can’t blame him for. Many of his faults were ones I dealt with too, which is probably why we were so close in the beginning before we blew up in spectacular fashion. My youthful whimsical idealism and his old hardened traditionalism would never see eye to eye.

Colin: Colin was caring and a lot of fun to be around. We fundamentally were very different people, however. Emotionality and Self-Made Self Acceptance were important to him, whereas I believed more in a more reserved self growth that came from disciplinary action to day to day life. We would have conversations that would really open my eyes to places that were blind to me, which I appreciated with his view of. He just was not a very disciplined person to be around, and I felt that create a rift towards him. I was also just way too close to him all the time, and felt myself needing space even when he was intruding. 

He also made several questionable decisions against me; which I both understand. I forgive him, but I cannot trust him the way I could before.

Teague: This one is complicated. I think he had a lot of expectations of me that I did not live up to. He wanted me to be forgiving to issues I did not understand. I also did things that questioned my character to him, which I think I understand. I probably looked pathetic in many of my decisions, which is probably why I hid so much information from him. There were things he did that were questionable, but maybe they weren’t the same in degree. Does dating a 18 year old just as questionable as being abusive to your dog, doing a lot of drugs, or attacking the ones closest to you? There was a degree of growth though that he was experiencing, and maybe he clumped me into the parts of himself that he needed to let go in order to grow. I can get that. Still, I can’t help but feel there is an essence of blind destruction that came from him letting me go from his life.

I think I get too close to people. Maybe I just get too close to the wrong people. I think most of my best friends have had fundamentally different approaches to life. They’ve also taken to vices that are in some ways self destructive, such as drinking or drugs. Because I don’t have the inclination to go there, thats why I push away. Theres probably a much more caring way, but its much easier to leave something than to fight for it.

One last question that I (personally) feel needs to considered as well:

3. What does my current/past company say about me as a person? What does my attraction to the history of people with mental illness say about me?

4. What if I am, in fact, a leech of “the light of others”?

Listen, feel what they’re feeling, don’t offer solutions.

Lack of exerted boundaries

Deject people using cold fish tactics

Maturity issues.

Certain issues should be valued in certain degrees.

[subtletie]

moon: what is your astrological sign? - Aquarius Sun, Taurus Moon. Wouldn’t seem like it, since T moons are generally known for emotional stability while I am quite the opposite. This is likely due to my other, more problematic aspects coming into play. gingerbread: your moral alignment - Neutral. I have no significant inclinations towards good or evil. I am generally passive, though I will, more often than not, prefer to benefit myself at the expense of others when I gather the courage to do so. birdseed: family or friends? Neither, I tend to abhor both. On the odd occasion, I feel grandiose love and affection for some of them, but more often than not, it tends to fade back into resentment. sheets: your sexual orientation Mostly straight, though I appreciate beauty in every gender. I’m female, and I am (unfortunately) attracted to males (considering how awful they can be). warm milk: when do you usually fall asleep? Depends. If I’m exhausted, it can be as early as 7 pm, but usually no later than midnight. pot of honey: your gender identity. Cisgender Female. snow: what is your favorite time of year and why? I don’t think I have a favorite time of year anymore. I used to love the fall and Halloween. yarn: what are your most enjoyable hobbies? I don’t particularly enjoy much nowadays. If you count binge-eating as an enjoyable activity for a fraction of the time, I guess that would be it. bicycle: what are you talented at? Nothing in particular. Forcing myself to be academically responsible, perhaps, although my intellect has dulled greatly in the past few years. folktale: what stories remind you of your childhood? I would read plenty of fairytales as a child. There will always be a place in my heart for the Warrior Cats Series and some Disney. woods: where do you feel at peace? Like the name of this very prompt, the woods truly do make me feel at ease. Beautiful places generally produce a calming effect within me. chicken feet: what is your emotional “flaw”? I have many. Notoriously, I cannot repress negative thoughts or emotions all that well. If I feel sad, angry or hurt I let it be known. I can (rarely) go off on the person who hurt me, or let it all spill while talking to someone. I also react angrily towards the people who surround me. Dark emotions tend to eat me up inside and it burns to keep them there. This is likely a byproduct of repressing emotions throughout my younger years, which gradually lead me to become depressed. Due to the fact that I don’t want to be as sad as I used to be, I feel the need to let my demons escape through speech and writing. red cheeks: what makes you nervous? Many, many things. I am quite easily disturbed in terms of nervousness or anxiety. Speaking to someone new, eye contact with someone I am not comfortable with, talking about certain subjects, when someone notices that I become nervous or am acting strangely because I am anxious, feeling judged, etc. sunflower: what do you love and cherish? I don’t think I truly love anything. My feelings of “love” tend to be intermittent and obsessive. Let’s say, food during binges, liking someone new only for that feeling to falter as soon as they do something “wrong”, that feeling when I look at my body after slimming down, myself when I think I look pretty, and the list goes on. Perhaps my laptop would be the sole exception to this rule, as I appreciate it more so than any other living thing. bells: what sounds are your favorite or calm you the most? Rainfall, without a doubt. The Cello fragment in one of my favorite songs, Midnight in a Perfect World, though I’m not sure if I should count this in, since it makes me feel rather nostalgic, above all things. turnip: what is a food you could eat everyday? So many things. Mostly Italian food though, it’s amazing. spit: do you get jealous easily? Yes. mushroom: list unique things you like about yourself. On those rare days in which I have the audacity to be vain: I like my long, curled eyelashes, my softly chiseled cupid’s bow, the golden flecks which dapple my otherwise ordinary brown eyes, my soft porcelain skin when it’s not scratched and damaged, the dimples beneath my ass,  the delicate collarbones and the curve of my waist. I seem to love a lot about myself despite loathing my appearance the vast majority of the time. cupboard: a good childhood memory eyebags: what do you think makes a person attractive? Physically, Mentally or Emotionally? These are the major aspects I take into account for attractiveness. Physically, I can be flexible, I can overlook this aspect when someone is incredibly attractive, both mentally and emotionally. I like traditionally masculine features, strong jawline, chiseled cheekbones, but I can appreciate a softer appearance as well. Mostly, the eyes do it for me. I love people with an intense, emotional gaze. I like lightly muscular bodies or those on the slimmer side. I prefer people who are at least 4 inches taller than me (I’m 5′3), they make me feel safer for some reason. I prefer shorter hair over longer, and I tend to appreciate formal attire over casual, too. I have a bit of an aversion towards reddish hair, though I could definitely get over this. (I used to like someone who had ginger hair and things didn’t end well). Mentally, someone who is inquisitive and thoughtful. Someone who knows when to pay attention to detail, is mature, level-headed, perceptive, passionate, assertive, patient, sweet and understanding. Preferably, someone who brings out the best in me. Emotionally, they should be kind, gentle, a balance between sentimentality and sobriety. A person who knows how to both support and motivate others and isn’t afraid to say what they’re feeling.                                                                                  fallen log: something you’ve gotten over that you never thought you would. I’ve never gotten over anything. Any trauma that has ever made its way into my life still churns within, gradually corroding my insides. Physically? I don’t know if I would say I never thought I’d heal, but I feared I’d never recover when I had Tuberculosis.                                                                                                    dagger: your worst fear I’ve always felt it’s “bad luck” to talk about your worst fear. Mentioning it helps it materialize, and therefore, more likely to occur. whisper: do you have any secrets? Well, I used to masturbate tons before I got a UTI which pretty much wrecked me, since it hit me while I had a weakened immune system due to my being underweight. I masturbated thinking of a guy I really liked who I also remain somewhat close to.                                            wild boar: which person do you feel closest to? I would have to say my mother. There is too much she doesn’t understand or care about, so I can’t truly say that she and I are truly close. I tell her a lot, mostly because I have nobody else to, but she is like a child in may ways and this frustrates me. Ideally, I would want to be closest to someone who could provide me with levelheaded insight about how to become a better person and how to deal with the more difficult aspects of life.

sweet: what candies or cakes are you fond of? I love, love, love apple pie. Chocolate fudge brownies are also amazing. footprints: do you remember your past lives? I don’t think I believe in past lives. If I did have one, however, I was likely an unfulfilled, unhappy soul just like I am now. Something tells me the person that I used to be was even more wretched than the one I am now. fur: name an animal you feel connected to. None at the time. Ages ago, I felt a connection to Tigers, but it’s all a farce. Allow me to explain. My concept of what a Tiger represents relates to everything that I wish I was, rather than what I truly am. I doubt this could be called a connection, but it’s the best I’ve got. In my mind, a Tiger would be powerful, leader like, assertive, confident, charismatic and bold. I am weakened, passive, lacking both passion and focus, preferring to revel in thought rather than action, insecure and absolutely self defeating. vodka: do you drink? No. I have an addictive personality, I’m afraid I’ll end up adding another self-destructive habit to my current repertoire. sour cherry: an obscure tradition from your family? None that I know of. pine needles: what is your favorite scent? I have a few. Lavender, roses and vanilla, just to name some of them. heart-shaped: do you believe in love? are you in love? I believe that love is fleeting. I’m talking about romantic love, when everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. I do not know whether or not I am truly capable of feeling love, though I do believe that other people might. My feelings of “love” are dauntingly obsessive, based on the perpetual idealization of the object of my affection. Needless to say, this is an undeniably unhealthy way to feel this “love” which is spoken of. In its better form, love can mean caring for someone even more than you care about yourself, wanting and supporting their wellbeing, teamwork, solidarity, intimacy, and making each other better people all around. A true balance would be the perfect love in my eyes. This is when two people complement each other, counteracting each others’ weaknesses and building up strengths. I was in “love” (read: obsessive idealization) with a “friend” a while ago. He does NOT feel the same way, this I know and I thought we could get along without there being any kind of romantic involvement. Boy, was I wrong. I started to feel things for him after us not talking for quite some time. He also has a girlfriend and I absolutely do not want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me, and me only. I also wouldn’t feel at ease with myself knowing I helped rupture a relationship. It’s complicated and I’ve decided not to speak to him anymore. home: where do you dream of living? In a beautiful little town, within a one-story home that is both quaint and spacious with a feline friend or two. The walls are made of wood and sunlight flows in mingled with fresh air each morning. There’s an ocean view from my bedroom window and I don’t have to drive any sort of vehicle to move about. Alternatively, I could live in a bustling city in a medium sized apartment within a building with gorgeously traditional design. The city I live in is culturally rich, dappled with lovely little cafes all over. It’s a place where I can take nightly walks while feeling safe and where I never run out of things to discover and explore. I can visit museums and watch musicals tirelessly. I can work up the courage to talk to strangers every once in a while, making friends here and there. I can waste my endless supply of time whilst losing myself inside of labyrinthine little bookstores. spice: list your favorite herbs I don’t know, don’t think I’ve got any that are explicitly favorites. mud: something you’re insecure about but trying to love. My breasts, since they’re quite small. The fact that my legs are thick, despite the me being relatively slim. tobacco: do you have any addictions? Binge eating. sock: how would you describe your clothing taste? Mostly feminine, but casual. cuckoo clock: are you a morning, a noon, or an evening person? I used to be a morning person, evening now. wooden fence: a favorite memory. Going to the beach with my parents after school back when I was in elementary. I remember wearing my uniform and pulling up my pants so that I could play in the ocean waves. As dying sunlight stroked my face a salty breeze would tousle my gold flecked hair. The ocean waves were crisply cold and shallow as a stark contrast to idyllic warmth of that afternoon. My dad would smile and play with me along the shore while my mother sat by and watched us rejoice from afar.

Writing this really helped clear my head. March 24th, 2018.

[jellyfishrambles]

Emotional AF

I started up this side blog with the intention of spilling...positive emotions, or funny antic-dotes... But not today. I’ve sat on this for a full 2 weeks, and I’m still not sure what to think of the situation. Overall, I think I still blame myself. Regardless, let me start from the very beginning. I have a friend. Fuck, he was my BEST friend. (We’ll call him ‘PB’). We met years ago. I was a sophomore in high school. He was a pivotal part of who I became as a person today. I can wholeheartedly blame him for pulling my from my cringy middle school obnoxiousness, and grow into who I am now. PB was literally my other half- even though we didn’t even attend the same school. At the time, we acted a like, we looked alike, we thought alike. And we did pretty much everything together. We celebrated halloween together, we excluded ourselves on our birthdays- so we could celebrate with just each other. We complained about all the same unnecessary shit going on in our workplace. He was, the one individual, who could pull me out of my deepest depressions throughout high school, 100% willing to drive to my house an hour before curfew, just to be with me through whatever I was going through. PB was the one I could genuinely, without hesitation, call my best friend. We had history, and memories, and experiences together that I’ll cherish forever.  But. We stopped talking, recently. On my behalf. Because I’m an emotional wreck. Because as we graduated, and took separate paths, we both changed. Now, let me preface by saying PB and I were (and still are) relatively critical, cynical, and sarcastic individuals. But as he went off to college, and I stayed at home doing nothing. We went in different directions. MY anxiety has heightened, and become more and more severe, while- I’m sure he only became more cynical and critical and sarcastic. Things really started to go awry when he came home for Christmas break of his freshman year of college, just last December. I felt- off, around him. I felt uncomfortable. I couldn’t place it. It was just- different. It was probably my anxiety, it was probably me just- wanting to stay on his level. Because throughout our entire friendship, I always saw him as...superior to me. He was stronger, smarter, just- more mature than me (Even though I’m older by almost a year). I felt like everything I did would make him mad. I suddenly felt like I couldn’t be myself around him. 

I didn’t really think much of it, until examples of this behavior started to trend. Example 1- I’ve used essential oils and crystals to help with my anxiety and depression- and it’s really helped! Especially during my senior year of high school, when I was at my lowest point. I had a rose quartz bracelet that I would hold through anxiety attacks. I wore it with me everywhere. And I broke it while on vacation. When I texted him frantically looking for something to ground me, he brushed off my concern because ‘you know all that stuff is just a placebo, right? You don’t need them’. It was the first time I was legitimately upset at him. Example 2- While on a skype call with him, we were browsing the steam store together, I was looking at games that I want but can’t afford (aka, all of them). And I brought up my desire to play Dangan Rompa. He looked at the game, scoffed, and told me it would be a waste of money, and that I should just play another game with the same concept. I was, kind of hurt, that he didn’t really give a second thought about my interests- despite my attentive ears whenever he discusses something he enjoys. Example 3 (and most recent)- AFTER I texted him, telling him everything I was feeling- to the effect of ‘I feel like I make you mad every time I talk, I feel like all you seem to do is berate my interests and passions, etc etc’ AND he apologized, he said he knew he was being an ass, he said he didn’t expect me to forgive him. But I did. Because he was my friend. I was talking on the phone with him, and let out the mention of vocaloid, and how I’ve been listening to a lot of vocaloid music recently, and I’ve found an interest in it- he questions me as to why, and brushes off my comment about ‘because I enjoy it, don’t fucking judge me’ to which his reply was a VERBAL eye roll (You know the kind. You can hear it in their tone of voice) and an ‘okayyy’ That was the last straw. These 3 major examples are all coupled with his constant ‘the anime you watch is trash’ and ‘the music you listen to is garbage’ and just- little things like that, that just piled up and I had finally had enough. Now, he’s just left for college again, his sophomore year, and before he left he wanted to see me- and admittedly, I wanted to see him too. We were gonna go see a movie. But the day of, the idea of seeing him gave me so much anxiety, I felt nauseous. Like, I didn’t want to eat I was so nervous to see him. BUT I didn’t want to cancel, because I knew he would grow suspicious. However my mom saw the effect it was having on me, and she convinced me to tell him I wasn’t feeling good, and that we shouldn’t go see this movie. Spoiler alert- I was fucking right. As soon as I said I didn’t feel good, and wanted to stay home. He barraged me with ‘you’re actively avoiding me’ , ‘you always drop off at the last second’ and things of that effect. It made my stomach drop. **Another thing you should know about PB- he doesn’t really take to the idea of mental illness. He believes in it, but he believes that it can be fixed with meds and therapy without any remaining side-effects.** I told him that it wasn’t physical, that it was mental, and I knew it was something he wouldn’t understand. It HAD been a rough week for me- as I’m currently on a job hunt, and that alone stresses me out beyond function. He then told me that he knows its mental, and he still wants to see me, regardless of my state, and that I need to get out of the house. He wanted to talk to me, and he was begging me to see him. Because he wanted to help. I said I wanted to be left alone. I do better if I’m alone anyway. I like being physically alone, with means of communication through text. Sometimes. Being around people exhaust me. ALL my friends know this... Now, I should mention, that my big brother (not- actual big brother, just- really good ass friend who I call my big brother) had come over upon my request, cause he was kind of in the loop of what was happening. I told PB that I wasn’t alone, and that I would be fine. I was so distraught that my brother took my phone and texted PB for me. Saying that my mom didn’t think he should come over today, but he was welcome any other day before he left. Granted, I had a packed schedule with other friends, who happened to SHARE my interests. SO I said I would see him Thursday, when I knew for sure we would in fact see each other. I thought it was over. I thought it was done and I could wipe my hands of the whole thing, until he drops on me ‘Am I ever going to see you after that?’ What? What the fuck does that even mean? I asked him when he was leaving and he didn’t even answer my question- he asked if I was EVER going to see him again. My throat went dry and I felt tears start to well up again. I up and told him that we would see each other again, but for the love of god please stop pressuring me to see you- it’s making all this 10x worse. WELL...He got pretty upset at that, and then spilled to me that he could no longer trust me, because I canceled on him too often. He prefaced with ‘I do love you-’ he said ‘but when was the last time you made an effort to see me’ , ‘you barely give me any consideration, do you do this with all your friends?’ and just- a bunch of stuff that I KNEW I was doing, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him that- HE was the reason I was doing it. He claims he knows I deal with a lot of personal stuff, and he’s not trying to insult me. Which. I...appreciate. He DID claim in his texts that he was mad at me for all of this, which- I also understand. Hell, I’d be mad at me too.  I had to take a day to process that last message from him. Eventually, I responded. I won’t bore you with my entire message here, but it was to the effect of ‘I’m sorry you’re mad, I’m sorry I’ve done all this to you, but you give me anxiety, and stress.’ I said I knew it was because of my OWN insecurities, and that he had nothing to do with it. I said I was legitimately scared of him, because I felt like I had to top toe around all my words to avoid making him mad. I FAULTED MYSELF. I knew it was me, I knew it was my anxiety. I said what was on my mind and how I felt. His reply was 2 days later. And it hit me hard. And I’m sitting here re-reading it (To relay all of this as accurately as possible) and I’m crying over my laptop right now.  His message back to me was something along the lines of ‘I have supported you 100% up until now because I care for you. I don’t know how you expect me to move on if I ‘legitimately scare’ you. And I don’t know how to continue and work around this unless you get your life together. When that point comes, I’m still here, but I can’t do anything for you if you don’t want my help, or my presence’  Unless I get my life together....I don’t even know what that means, but it hurts. It hurts SO much. So, now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if this friendship that was SO important to me, is worth salvaging....or if it’s better left behind as I grow older and make new friends. I’m so torn, because I fucking loved PB. I loved my best friend. But best friends shouldn’t give you fucking anxiety attacks. I owe so much to him, because he’s done so much for me....I feel like shitty friend, for even feeling all this.  I can’t even wrap my emotions around all of this, and it’s killing me. His last message was pretty much a week and a half ago at this point, and it STILL gets to me. I still see memories on Facebook, and instagram, and I choke up every fucking time I see it. He meant the WORLD to me. And I hate myself for both putting us both through this, and for still wanting to salvage what turned into a pretty toxic friendship...

[obfuscatesdoctrine]

Nurturing A Nearly Perfect Marriage

I’ve been married twice. I was hasty, got married young, had two kids and promptly got divorced. 

My second and current marriage is more equal and more stable. It has its challenges, but for the most part, I think we’ve done a decent job of mastering the formula for long-term happiness.

First of all, I’m better. I’m a better woman and a better partner. Part of it is probably due to being a mother; it’s funny how parenthood puts life into a different perspective. But aside from the effects of motherhood, I’m less anxious, more honest, less insecure, and more authentic.

My husband is likely better too. It’s probable that fatherhood has had the same effect on him that motherhood has had on me. Failed marriages and the onward march of life are also an important catalyst for perspective.

I don’t think we have it all figured out. We’re not happy all of the time. Sometimes we’re downright unhappy. We’re both step-parents to one another’s children and that is the biggest source of friction in our relationship. Our biggest, nastiest, loudest fights have been about “the way YOU parent YOUR children.” I think most step-parents would agree with me. But for the most part, we’re good and together, I suspect, for the long haul.

Another wife or another couple would have a different list, but what follows is my take on what makes for a good marriage.

1. My spouse is not my soulmate. There’s no such thing. The chances are good that I could get divorced from my perfect spouse today and find someone else that makes me as, if not more, happy. I believe it, I embrace it. I love my husband more having let go of the fantasy that my marriage could be bulletproof.

2. My marriage isn’t bulletproof. He or I could do something stupid or hurtful either intentionally or unintentionally and the whole thing could fall apart. Knowing this makes me more conscious of not doing something stupid or hurtful.

3. My marriage is a one-way street. That’s not to say we don’t each have our own parts to play, but after 40+ years on this planet I finally understand that I’m 100% responsible for how I behave in my relationship. He doesn’t make me feel anything, do anything or be anything. Everything I feel, everything I do, everything I am, I’m responsible for. I don’t blame him for my feelings, actions or decisions. They’re mine and mine alone. More importantly, I know he would say the same thing about himself.

4. We know what hills not to defend. We choose not to fight over dishes or laundry or where we’re going to go for dinner. When the house is messy, I pick it up because it’s more important to me to have a tidy house than it is to him. When the front door is squeaking, he greases it because it’s more important for him to have a quiet front door than it is to me. I don’t tell him to pick up and he doesn’t tell me to grease the door and we sure as hell don’t fight about it.

5. We keep our big fat mouths shut. Sometimes it’s worth mentioning, but more often it’s not. “It” could be anything, from my kid’s tendency to spill every liquid within her reach to the fact that I can hear him chewing even though his mouth is closed. When we’re annoyed, we keep our big fat mouths shut.

6. We compliment one another every single day. It can be something as small as “you smell good,” or “that shirt makes your eyes pop.” Letting small kindnesses fall by the wayside as a marriage ages is a certain sign of impending misery.

7. I don’t say I’m fine when I’m not. It’s insulting to his intelligence and empathy to assume that he can’t handle hearing about what’s going on with me. If I don’t want to talk about it, I say I’d rather not talk about it. I don’t say I’m fine.

8. We have sex regularly. We have sex even when we don’t feel like it. Anyone who tells you that it’s not important to have sex regularly is in a shitty relationship..

9. I apologize when I hurt him and he apologizes when he hurts me. It’s astounding to me how many people are incapable of saying, “I’m sorry.” A genuine apology is as empowering as it is healing. Try it.

10. We never, ever say anything negative or “constructive” about the other’s weight or appearance. Neither of us is blind to the fact that we could both stand to lose a few pounds, eat more vegetables and exercise more. But believe me, there’s just no happy ending when you start criticizing your spouse’s weight or appearance.

11. We both think the other is beautiful. Physical attraction is important. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see him walk through the door.

12. We don’t place unfair significance on birthdays, anniversaries, or Valentine’s Day. No one needs that pressure. We try to be kind and generous with one another every day. He brings me flowers on a random Tuesday and I sneak out early on a Saturday morning to run his car through the car-wash. And when my birthday rolls around, he hugs and kisses me and says “Happy Birthday.” Easy.

13. We recognize and embrace the fact that we’re both imperfect flesh-and-blood humans. We both shit, piss, fart, vomit sometimes, have skid-marks on our underwear, grow hair in unattractive places, and have to cope with bodily fluids like period blood, semen, snot and saliva. We don’t pretend we don’t.

14. We don’t go to the bathroom in front of each other. Why do couples do this? Some things should remain sacred. And besides, his bathroom time is sacred to him. He doesn’t need me in there brushing my teeth while he’s drinking his coffee and having his morning constitutional.

15. We don’t shower together. We’re not rich. We have a regular shower in a standard sized bathtub. We’re grown adults. Two grown adults in a regular old shower is not romantic. It’s fucking cold and annoying.

16. We have similar values about money, saving and spending. Other people fight about money. We don’t. Not ever. Not even when we disagree, which we do sometimes. No one, on their deathbed, has ever whispered to their spouse, “I wish we’d spent more time and energy hashing out our financial differences. We really missed out there.”

17. We’re both introverts. I don’t necessarily think that introverts always need to be with other introverts and extroverts always need to be with other extroverts, but my guess is that it saves a lot of heartache and irritation. We can be together all day, not talking, and it’s never awkward. When I say I don’t feel like going out tonight, he says, “OK,” not “damn woman, we never do anything anymore!”

18. I drive my car and he drives his car. Sometimes we take his car and when we do, he drives. Sometimes we take my car and when we do, I drive. It provides for some healthy balance and helps negate annoying gender roles.

19. We both stare at and admire fine-looking people and don’t hide it. There are some truly gorgeous people out there. More gorgeous than my husband or me, and we know it. When he looks, it’s cool and when I look, it’s cool. Sometimes one of us will even point out a sweet ass when we see one. It’s all good and neither of us is threatened.

20. We trust one another. Truly. But more significantly, we never do anything that will risk betraying that trust. We tell the truth even when it sucks. We don’t snoop in one another’s phones, but neither of us has anything in our phones that we wouldn’t share with the other. We don’t monitor one another’s spending, friendships or whereabouts. And we always share our spending, friendships and whereabouts.

And lastly, we really, really like each other. And that’s what makes all the difference.

[radchaosdragon-5ed6b3b4-blog]

Love Flame Take Ya Life

Okay, so no more real horror story for now. Now. Let me speak as I can, and open your mind to the words yah? I. Love you. And perhaps just about everything which isn't causing me agonizing pains. Fortunately, and unfortunately, I cannot possibly know the worst kinds of realities which may or may not exist for life on Earth. I can at least acknowledge my reality for what it has been, and not throw away any decent information or experience or sum of anything which comes to me and is not directly causing me to live in a horror story. I am a very simple life form. I love peaceful quiet days and I love ecstatic and euphoric days and I very much remember the horrific times and horrific things I've witnessed. I never wish nor desire to see nightmares manifest so abundantly everywhere on Earth. But I've had to focus a lot on my self. It took me a long time to realize, but I am not a "good" human being. I am a very good machine. And until life gets violent, my survival capacity is unheard of by my own ears. I cannot say I could survive the wilds, or the urban warscapes. I can only survive really where I am, and I've always been in a sort of distorted reality. I can say to some degree, that my mind has always gotten what it thought or felt it would get. That being good or bad, more often bad because I was a realist when I was a tad bit younger. People don't walk around knowing about physiological stasis. Which is okay for now. That is my basis for if people are at all on some sort of deeper thinking type level, even if rooted in insecurity. It is lovely because soon it will be as abundant and diverse and epic as those lovely tales people hear of. Regardless of the negative side effects I've not heard people speak of, I'm sure plenty have died trying to expose the ones they notice. But also. I have a ominous feeling, but that could be thought-rot anyway. I just dislike how easy it is to go to war, but how difficult it is to obtain world peace amongst human kind that has upgraded their tech / sci trees up a bit. Currently at a point in life where I am watching it acknowledge itself and be awkward and not do what it wants. Everywhere. People. I hope everyone is okay but I know they are not. I don't know how to help really. Besides simply continue to do as I've done... It would be cool to actually find someone who will spill their creative rainbow vomit in words. I like words. Words and these emoji things. They are very nice. I've been listening to The Silmarillion. It's actually a fun little audio at 2x the speed. It is fast enough for visual imaginations to be created. They do say pictures are just lots of words. When words are consumed by my brain fast enough, I get a nice little day dream. Plus these hypnotic tones and it's really like virtual reality sometimes. I think now though I could do 3x speed cuz 2x seems slow. And I am sure there is a diminishing point but maybe I could get to like 5x if it were built into the audio book capacity. I think society kinda... mmm... looks at the archetype "Melkor" in a odd way these days. Our society perpetuates constant genocide, which includes global raping pillaging and murdering on mass over long spans of time. It sucks to live now when shit is getting even deadlier and people don't seem to get that we all gotta kinda take responsibility for the globe as our seedling planet and not just a fuckbag to cum on / inside of. But it seems people are okay with perpetuating it as long as they do not suffer their worst fears. Which it's not hard for a handful of people to cattle herd billions honestly. It's simple when you learn how to manage things and when you know the capacity of the society at any given time. It sucks to feel like I have to express such points. But humans have failed my desired expectations 100% and I love them but they're fucked up. So taking matters into my own hands, it would be much easier to just move all the necessary pieces alone. Put the globe into a sort of "Check" state. The move right before "Check - Mate" in Chess. Humans are if anything, predictable and directable. They can be molded and farmed. Which is why I do believe what has been done to get us all here is rather disgusting as a whole. Except for the fact of the matter everyone chose. But even their "choice" is ridiculous to me, because what other choices did they really have. My choice isn't popular. I really do die before I choose to live a life I cannot. Maybe cowardly in some scenarios. All in all it's gross. And I'd rather have nothing to do with it. But I am like a offspring of the world. And I owe it at least a little bit every now and then. Tax of living I suppose. I've also read the "Art of War" recently. Which is a nice little perception of reality. It is definitely fun in games, and it's fucked to see it's patterns in the world too. I've been playing Halo & Gears of War, as well as a bit of LoZ OoT. It's fun to try new things using old tools. And also I've noticed my brain changing a bit. More dreams again. More memory recollection. But kinda more trippy and psychedelic and timeless. Clocks and shit... I've lost a lot of interest in building a Empire. Especially with all this bullshit "we will kill lots of people" culty groups ruining things for people. I think we are a few decades and thousands of raids away from a cleaner, healthier, symbiotic world society. Always on the fence between numbing myself down to feel lovely or turning myself up to feel lovely. Lovely goes as it goes idk how to explains it. But I acknowledge that it is rare maybe? I'm not so sure, people say that. I don't think it is. I think it's everywhere but humans just tuned out.