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pwblogarchive · 2 months

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June 2007

June 4, 2007

goodbye the longest year of my life.

sometimes i want to blow my head but not in a hottopic kind of way.

i am global warming.

i am toxic.

sometimes i am glad i saved everything for a rainy day.

i am a wish.

i am under your skin.

i love you and life:

separate but never equal.

fuck it.

its all okay.

"Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run..."

posted by xo at 8:05 PM

June 6, 2007

“its easy to get older not so much wiser”

"pooh"

"yes, piglet"

"nothing, i just wanted to be sure of you"...

posted by xo at 8:40 AM

June 7, 2007

“fuck the palm readers, i love mirror breakers.”

i have an obsession with sitting inside a confessional in church and hearing someone else spill their guts for once.

id almost take an oath for it.

get me out of new york.

this city only gets me up to making bad decisions.

love, the last boy.

posted by xo at 10:40 PM

"the christian in christian dior, damn they dont make them like they used to anymore..."

if i bashed your head in how good would the secrets be that poured out.

posted by xo at 4:00 PM

June 9, 2007

“late night snack”

the light splashes in and out. its almost violent. everything rational inside of me tells me that its the dull white of a voicemail. but my eyes are playing tricks on me. i see it purple textured velvet. the tv is blaring whatever. i can see light is sneaking in the cracks everywhere of this suite. like vermin. take a vote, the eyes have it. there is too much space here. between me and everything else in this room. i wish i had a habit bad or not just to pass the time. just trying to fight the big black sadness.

June 9, 2007

“sic transit itum”

Theres an opposite to deja vu. They call it jamais vu. Its when you meet the same people or visit places, again and again, but each time is the first time. Everybody is s stranger. Nothing is ever familiar.

This isn't learning from my mistakes anymore so much as it is damage control. I might as well be trying to paint a house that's on fire.

Posted by xoat 11:33 PM

June 11, 2007

“counting sheep and you.”

tour life has got my fingers spitting from a pornographed philosophers mind. girls with bruises in designer patterns. too full off the diet pills to be hungry for iceburg lettuce and water lite when it shows up. i trapped you in my head a long time ago. i am a treasure chest filled with trash. two orders: one near tears and one beer tears. just put em on my tab.

dont you dare tell me about true fucking love. i spit and punched and blood for it. and now i want to sleep inside of it.

June 12, 2007

“cantsleepcantsleepcantsleep”

dont you feel bad for the suicidal cat thats stuck with 9 lives.

my head only goes from zero to rage.

like a domesticated animal giving into instinct.

carved our names into a tree

and i dont care that i saw it first in some movie.

i think ill always go back and see if it sticks.

i feel like the santa maria. like i got there just after the discovery.

heads like this are gonna go extinct.

posted by xo at 5:53 AM

June 14, 2007

“lullabye.”

everybody is dropping like flies.

the truth is i am a slave to my head and my thoughts, not the other way around.

i am the hand up the skirt of this moment. over underwear, under pants.

under medicated. underwhelmed.

me and you in a not so private corner.

duke it out with our lips and teeth.

ill find the love if its there between your cavities.

dust it off.

its a cold hard ride back from where ive been.

what ive seen.

and what ive done.

or how ive come undone.

apples that make your teeth bleed

love that makes my heart coma-

keep careful count of your tears in that corner-

the market is shit.

they arent going for what they used to.

keep em in a jar-

bury them in a wine cellar.

so you can remember when you felt like just a madman.

im a trust junkie.

i need a fix.

i have so much i want to say. none of it is eloquent or poetic- referencing change and belief- lies and betrayal. how sometimes this ride doesnt feel fun anymore, when the press is controlling it. i will post when i have formulated all of the thoughts. i am tired of constantly defending this, its enough to defend it to the world- but to defend it to believers has drained me. i am only human, a kind of lousy one at that. i am 1/4 of this thing that has felt magical to me for so long. i dont want to lose it. i hope this makes some sense.

i hope i am a boomerang on its way back not some stone sinking in the sea.

thank you to everyone who has stood beside this and me- in both the light and the dark. it means more than a handshake or hug or song,,,

on a good note. the video felt genuinely fun to make. so thank you for taking part in it. the smiles are real.

goodnight.

posted by xo at 11:49 PM

June 17, 2007

“i may be just a dime store prophet. but youre a dollar store whore.”

so i guess i am on the up. thunder on runways cant even kill the boredom. the tips of my fingers bruised from the letters on the typewriter. but if feels so much more final than this. and that is why i love it. and i said the last time i was put in handcuffs it was over a can of spraypaint. she said 'someday i want to spraypaint with you". and that is why i love her. in a backyard, lying on the couch on a sunday kind of way. one that is not explained or thought out. but runs up the back of your legs to the back of your head and crashes out of my mouth whenever you show up. what keeps your head together when you feel the tilt and spin of the world. what keeps those club jaws grinding in between the trips to the bathroom. the best week never. theyre taking stabs at me while im leaning and yawning, but sometimes YOU get through. pinpricks become blackholes and i feel my moods pulled into them. whats up with my obsession with your obsessions. been writing so much lately the paper is starting to add up. theres a part of me that wants to take a match to it sometimes late at night- the same part inside that cant walk next to balconies for fear that i am going to jump off of them.

i can make a mess of anything. but its strange to say when a stranger can bring you peace. you just swaying in the heat of the meet and greet. a face and a voice i dont know. just a tap on the shoulder and a "keep your chin up" from you. but there was a kindness there that brought me back. thank you.

June 19, 2007

so obvious but: i fucking hate this sugar free low carb diet world. i want the wild fucking west. i want love in handcuffs. i want more scars. i dont want this fucking future. meth bake sales to lower global warming. sweat shop work to burn calories. i hope this ship burns before it sinks. i hope this planes air goes bad before it crashes. i dont want this to be an affair anymore, i want to walk down the aisle with catastrophe. lets go to hell just for the weekend. your happiness is making me miserable. waste the time of my life. and if that mocking bird wont sing, im gonna buy you a diamond ring.

i only feel in love on the stage and on the side of a pillow. everything in between just makes me wish myself to pieces. please dont put me back together, keep me in a box under your bed.

June 20, 2007

i hate explaining my own interpretations to people. id rather you come up with your own- but this one seems to be pretty glaring....

there is a distinct difference between the idea "seasons change, but people dont" and the idea "everyone changes". this difference is simply the connotations of the two. in the former: the idea is brought forth that there are certain parts of you that are inherently there. forever. whether they are a part of your DNA or how you were raised- they are so deep and solidly rooted they cannot change. to me these are your ideals, your morality, your internal monologue. they remain constant though are defined differently as your mind and heart mature. to simplify, people who are kind have something switched on within them that will not change. on the other extreme malicious people will always be malicious. not to say there isnt gray area between the two- where someone who is kind can act maliciously and vice versa. obviously there are more rare examples where something can impact someone in such a tremendous way that it will cause a deep change in them. these remain constant through celebrity, through tragedy, through happiness, through loss. i can feel certain things in myself and ways that i know i will always feel- no matter what else changes around me. if you read my actual diary entries from when i was 14 to now, while the language and subject matter has changed- and hopefully has gotten a bit better. my subconscious impacting me and my decisions seems to remain faithful. however, what was meant by the latter "everyone changes, i used to be tiny", is the idea of growing up. honestly, i am not who i was a year ago or 5 years ago or 10 years ago. i think i would hate myself if i never changed. this is an experiment more than anything. if new cultures, people, and art didnt impact me and change me than this would be fraudulent. we expect any of our fans who have been with us from the beginning have grown and changed. i hope most of these changes are for the better, though i know i am human and make mistakes. sometimes i turn right when i should have turned left. but anything you loved or hated about me from the beginning have not changed- these are the things that make us each different from each other and either magnetize or polarize from others.

June 22, 2007

“the AMERICAN dayDREAMer - die-a-tribe”

when they rip the tickets i hope im on the ride with you. sleepless in seattle and pretty much everywhere else- wont bore you with the details, but actually i probably will. you dont have to be a train to come off track. dont have to have feathers to flee the coop. i dont gotta tell you about my adventures, i keep them in my head and forget them and remember them every once in awhile. i watch them on projector screens while you are talking about your magazine or countdown. were flypaper baby- but nothings sticks. molded from teflon and porcelain. doesnt take much shining around for you to want to get back under that rock you crawled out from. i found a point when i was searching for pointlessness. i found a love when i was looking for madness. gonna save your sweat for when we get to heaven. autocratic hearts and throats- tongues loving on the skin and words- listening too carefully and robbing them of their beauty. you only think im blooming when im wilting on the outside. dying to be dearly forgotten, not wrongly remembered. florescent yellow in the toilet bowl. i love holding strangers hands, pulses matching, beating just off the p.a. speakers. you dont have to sell me on how this isnt real, cause my guts are whats in deep not my head or my heart. sometimes i get the feeling when i walk into a room like im in some movie from the forties where ive been shipwrecked and marooned on a desert island, only to return to a life that is no longer mine. or maybe just a raft adrift, except i slept through the s.o.s. calls. the caveman frozen in ice analogy works as well, only i am too lazy to transcribe it. im projecting. im bobbing and weaving. im deflecting. only cos i want to mean more than all of this. i lost it at woodrow and nichols, brakes ground to my teeth. just a kid strung out on neon lights

June 26, 2007

dear man in the mirror: get over yourself.

i love it when people wonder how its gonna end.

my right hand is fucked.

boxers fracture im pretty sure and a cut down the front that we super glue every night.

if i shake you yr hand with my left thats why.

im clumsy-

with both actions and words.

what happens in vegas stay in vegas except for when brendon hit me with a bowling ball.

deaths just the other bookend on this thing, so who cares.

posted by xo at 12:28 AM

June 28, 2007

The world is your oyster, what does that mean? That I'm just grinding sand waiting to be sucked down by box dye blondes and chased with hynotik. .... dumb-luck, but there's no such thing as smart luck. Think It got us kicked out of vegas. Happy as a clam but how happy can clams be? Dreaming of being steamed or robbed of their only worldly possession, pearls, sounds like a total soccer mom fantasy- only with upscale spas and mugger fantasies. I am a starfish waiting to regenerate a point. Till then, I am kind of pointless. I got a bad rap for not caring but I still pay taxes and wear my seat-belt in back seats- though I'm considering changes. I am a fixer-upper. Feeling the buzz but too far off the hive for any of the other bees to get it. And man I gotta tell you, the years are like friends in your old hometown. They stop being so friendly. They only want to reminisce. And no matter what they keep moving and changing you whether you want them to or not. The doctor says I need to stop talking with my fist and do more talking with my mouth. I told him I was never too great at that either- that it was usually my mouths talking that had to get my fist involved in the conversation. He said well then I had better start throwing a good left or hope I can play bass one handed. Neither seems too reasonable right now. Thinking maybe I should just stop all together. I order every movie in hotel rooms just so I don't feel alone. Its a very home alone moment for me, you know without the holiday music and cute culkin looks, but I'm hoping you are catching my drift anyway. Yes, for those who wonder there are other journals online. Sometimes I kind of leave bread-crumbs to get home to them for you. Sometimes I just space out. I also have a pen and paper diary and some letters and what not that I have been typing on my typewriter. I've been working on other visual art too, nothing I like well enough to show anyone. Its more for my own piece of mind. Drive, fuck, and sleep safe. I'd like to know that you awaken in the morning with out a headache or blurry eyes. Love is in the air, just get ourselves the right equipment to grab it. Its like moths headed for the brightest light, which aint me. But I'm ready to sweat and run and get there. And just cause you got a scar on your wrist or a charcoal stomach, were supposed to get eachother? Cause I don't really even get me. I'm too busy calling everyone else crazy- in these late slurred debates on how everyone else is not exactly like us- to worry about you calling me crazy. Tho all the other rhymes for crazy work on me lazy, hazy, etc.

someone has some great pictures of this past week. if i find any, ill post some.

June 28, 2007

from pete's friends or enemies blog

June 28, 2007

“the pretend”

i never really appreciate the compliments people give me. i feel like people say them because they feel like they have to- "youre hot"- except in my head i dont see myself that way so it doesnt mean a thing. "you played great tonight"- except i probably didnt because its not really my thing. "i love your words"- except they only make sense to me out of patricks mouth. "i love you"- but you wouldnt if you knew me. and so on.

but the other day my friend told me: "you have an incredible sense of the pretend". and it made me shake. just in the way that its all i believe. i dont care too much for the ins and outs of the world we are inside. i like the one in my head far better. it is not chronological or pragmatic. but it meant alot to me.

as did this...

so i cant fully remember writing this entry. that is because my brain is scattered and resets all of the time. the only thing i save room for are faces and memories. maybe it is a collection of entries. but apparantly someone cared enough to remember or patch together an entry from a year ago... so thank you (i think they made little changes or additions here and there). its funny because i am in vancouver all over again, it rings so much more true now.

"and like florence nightingale and nurses through history. we fall in love with those were protecting and curing. we dream big and then wake up everyday and hunch over computer screens. and everytime we let our fingers go it amounts to a little more than the worlds smallest violin paying just for you. here i am half asleep between vancouver and salt lake city. can't remember the last time i had a conversation with you that wasn't from between the dotted lines of the highway. i don't want sheep or parrots. i feel like we have a vested interest in each other. it's love of sorts. you were there in the beginning, you've stuck around when everyone else climbed aboard, i hope you're there when it's gone. for all the times we've come off course, you have always served as a compass. steady. unforgiving. at times hard to find. but you were always there. this probablly isn't worth your time to read. but as long as you do we'll keep playing small, secret shows. we'll keep writing this. we'll keep ignoring what they say. this is we- everyone- the haters, the newbies, the so, the ckk, ock. a collective [[sigh of relief]]. everyone always asks what's the cure of growing up? this is it. it's you. the smiling faces screaming and 'doging' security in the front row. the kid that waits outside after the show until their hands are blue just to say hi. don't ever let me fucking forget it. we don't deserve this. but now that we got it. we will do our best to keep it like a kiss in the corner of our mouths. for our heads to your speakers, to your ears, to your mouths, to you, your fingers, to us, to our mistakes, to our heads and back. the new songs are coming. what if for one moment we became everyone we dreamed we could be? there is a buzzing from outside of this darkened room. as though if i walked down the hallway past their sleeping faces, red in the warmth of the afternoon. i would walk into the first day of my life. light gleaming off the windshield- like the wizard of oz after the color washes over everything. like i could start all over again- only with the same faces that are imprinted on my heart forever. and my same bed. and dogs. and ex- loves. and friends. save your troubles for another day, they wern't at the end of the hallway. baby boy, you're too busy writing tragedy to notice. we're shaping up to do big things. and you're nothing special. except.. what if you are? "

posted by xo at 8:01 PM

June 29, 2007

as did this...

June 30, 2007

I have a new girlfriend

The iphone.

posted by xo at 4:46 PM

#fall out boy #pete wentz #livejournal

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moonlight-breeze-44 · 1 year

Text

Dear Gifter...

Hello, friends! As the year draws to a close, it's that time again for me to enlist in a whole host of Secret Santas to bring everyone some December cheer and hopefully put a lot of smiles on a lot of faces :)

A few of the gift exchanges I've participated in for years are changing their formats for signups this year, so I'm adjusting with them! I decided that, in order to make it easier for my various gifters to know what I like, I'd create this 'Dear Gifter' post to link to them!

So, if you have me for a Secret Santa exchange this year, this next part's for you <3

I've listed some general likes/dislikes, as well as fandom-specific likes/dislikes for the major fandoms I participate in gift exchanges for! If you'd like a list of specific likes for a fandom not mentioned below, just shoot me an ask on anon and I'll post one :)

General Likes:

Angst, hurt/comfort, mental health issues, self-harm, abuse, trauma, nightmares, autistic characters, asexual characters, poly relationships, QPRS, crackfics, college AUs, high school AUs, soulmate AUs, coming out fics, getting together/first kiss, non-sexual BDSM, BDSM AUs, Christmas fics, rarepairs, unrequited love, paranormal AUs

General Dislikes:

Alcohol (**TRIGGER**), smut/NSFW, sickfics, bugs, vomit, extremely detailed gore, physical whump/torture, mafia AUs, royalty AUs

For Shadowhunters:

Likes: Alec Lightwood centric, Autistic Alec, Asexual Alec, any fics that deal with Alec's self-harm, pre-canon fics, Lightwood sibling feels, parabatai feels, worldbuilding (ESPECIALLY in regards to the Fae Realm), HOTI Alec, trans Magnus, Malec, Jalec, Malace, Jimon, Lysabelle, immortal Malec, different first meeting, sub Alec, Dom Magnus, switch Jace, sub Jace, Dom Simon

Dislikes: S3 plotline NOT including the wedding, Inquisitor Alec, good parents Maryse and Robert Lightwood, bad parabatai Jace Lightwood, Clizzy, Luke/Maryse, Dom Alec, reverse AUs

For Leverage:

Likes: Eliot Spencer centric, pre-canon fics, Eliot/Damien Moreau, any fics that explore a fucked up/abusive relationship between Eliot and Damien Moreau, Autistic Eliot, Autistic Parker, ADHD Hardison, trans Eliot, asexual Parker, the OT3, Eliot/Quinn, Nate & Eliot as father/son or master/slave, cooking, botany/gardening, character study, post-canon fics, Leverage team as family, Dom Parker, sub Eliot, switch Hardison

Dislikes: Romantic Eliot/Nate, total AUs (i.e., not within the Leverage universe, such as college AUs), MCD, angst with no happy ending, Dom Eliot, sub Parker, unrequited love

For Detroit: Become Human:

Likes: Reed900, Gavin Reed centric, RK900 centric, Markus centric, reverse AUs, Hank & Connor as father/son, Jericho polycule, Simarkus, romantic Hankcon, Detroit: Evolution/Detroit Reawakening universe, slice of life, case fics, any fics set during the Android Revolution, asexual Nines, agender/non-binary Nines, non-binary Gavin, trans Gavin, Gavin Reed backstory/character study, aromantic Kara, detective/cop AUs, sub Gavin, Dom Nines

Dislikes: Fics that portray Gavin Reed in a bad light, POV Connor, POV Kara, total AUs (i.e. not within the realm of the DBH universe) EXCEPT detective AUs, Dom Gavin, sub Nines

For Criminal Minds:

Likes: Emily Prentiss centric, Jemily, Morcia, Morreid, BAU as family, case fics, Reid's drug use, Emily Prentiss with a self-harm habit, cottagecore/farm life/small town AUs, Autistic Hotch, Autistic Reid, ADHD Emily Prentiss, AuDHD Penelope Garcia, asexual Reid, JJ backstory/character study, infidelity (specifically JJ cheating on Will), pre-canon fics, Momily, kid fics, seasons 3-7

Dislikes: Breakups (except JJ/Will), MCD (angst with no happy ending is totally fine as long as there's no MCD!), events past Season 13

Thank you for reading! Remember, if the information you're looking for isn't here, please don't hesitate to shoot me an ask and I'll be happy to add it :) I hope everyone has a great winter and happy holidays if you celebrate! <3

#secret santa #gift exchange #fandom event #fic exchange #about me #em's raging secret santa obsession

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moonlight-breeze-44 · 3 years

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we found love (right in front of me) ~ Jalec Secret Santa 2021

Hey, guys! Today's fic is written for @takaraphoenix through the 2021 Jalec Secret Santa. [To my giftee: I really hope you enjoy this! I played with your soulmate AU prompt and added some hurt/comfort for our favourite parabatai pair.]

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ Alec has wondered for years when he'll meet his soulmate; Jace has struggled for years to accept that he may never have one. What they don't know is that, when secrets are revealed, Jace and Alec might just find their own story written between the lines of themselves. Read on AO3

It wasn’t that Alec needed a soulmate. It wasn’t that he was any less of a leader without one, or any less of a person or brother or friend. He had taken care of Jace, Izzy, and Max their entire lives, straight from the day Izzy was born. When Jace came to live with the Lightwoods at age ten, Alec had adopted him into their family from the moment he saw him. He had fed them, trained them, disciplined them, and made sure they felt loved all their lives. He had been running the New York Institute since he was fourteen, and he was Idris’ top pick for the Consul come next election. He knew he was lucky – he had family, he had friends, and he had his title. He had love, respect, and influence. Every morning, when he caught sight of the black soulmark, a tiny deflect rune swimming in the shadow of an ink-black sun on his ribcage, he tried to remind himself that he had everything he needed to be happy, to succeed.. He didn’t need a soulmate.

But that didn’t change how much he wanted one.

Alec had been in love with the idea of soulmates since he was four years old and his mother had told him stories of the first Shadowhunters to be marked, who were destined to be together by old Law. She had told him about their love, the unbreakable bond they shared. In battle and in life, she had said, their hearts make up half of each other’s. They share one heart, one love, one death. Alec didn’t believe in fate or destiny now, not like he had back then, but some small, hopeful part of him still clung to the idea that there was someone in the world that he belonged with.

He still held out hope that somehow, somewhere, there was a heart waiting to find its other half; waiting to find him.

A frantic knock on his door startled Alec out of his thoughts, and he called, “Come in!” without looking up from the paperwork he was supposed to be filling out.

A moment later, his sister bounded into his office, a radiant smile on her face. “Alec! I can’t believe it! I have to tell you about this first, you’re my big brother and I can’t wait to show you,” she rambled, practically vibrating with joy.

“Jeez, Iz, what’s going on?” Alec asked, chuckling and setting the paperwork off to the side so he could give Izzy his full attention. “What are you so happy about?”

“Look!” Izzy pointed to her wrist, where her soulmark – a serpent and a wolf, fighting for dominance – was usually jet-black against her skin. However, Alec noticed immediately that something was different.

Izzy’s soulmark was gleaming dark yellow, almost golden, and where before it looked like a painting, or just another rune that marked her skin, it was now pulsating, like it was breathing right along with Izzy; like it had just become a life of its own.

Alec stood up from his desk and reached for her, drawing Izzy into a bone-crushing hug. “I’m so happy for you,” he breathed into her dark brown hair. “You deserve this, Iz.” Izzy returned the hug just as fiercely, hooking her arms around her brother’s back.

“You were the first one I wanted to tell,” she murmured. “I - I love you, Alec.”

Alec’s heart smiled at her words, a fond warmth filling him from the inside out. “I love you too, Iz.”

Before long, Izzy pulled away, giving her brother a peck on the cheek before she headed for the door. “You can meet her tonight,” she promised. “We can all have dinner together. You’re going to love her, Alec.” Quieter, almost to herself, she added: “I do.” With that, she was out the door to return to her newfound soulmate, or perhaps to tell Jace and Clary and Simon, but not before giving Alec one last smile, smiled, as bright and beautiful as heavenly fire. Alec couldn’t help but smile back.

It’s about time Izzy found her soulmate.

She deserves this.

Alec tried to refocus on his paperwork, but the thought of Izzy and her soulmate wouldn’t leave his mind. Mixed in with the happiness for his sister and the relief that she had found the person she was meant to be with, he couldn’t help the bitterness that crept up his throat, or the sadness that threatened to choke him. He was happy for Izzy, so happy that words couldn’t even begin to express it, but beneath that, he felt a small well of despair that he couldn’t seem to rid himself of.

Abandoning the paperwork for now, Alec grabbed his keys and his stele and exited his office, turning towards his bedroom. He wouldn’t get any paperwork done like this. He needed to grab his bow and work off some of his feelings in the training room. It would do no one any good if he sat there moping all day, least of all Izzy and her new soulmate.

When he reached his room, he was surprised to find that it wasn’t empty.

Sat on his bed with one hand in his hair and one hand clutching Alec’s bedsheets, the familiar figure of Jace caught Alec’s eye. A pulse of warmth and belonging rushed through him, and Alec smiled without meaning to. Parabatai.

“Hey,” he said, putting his keys and stele on his desk and sitting down next to Jace, “You okay?” He knew his parabatai wouldn’t seek him out like this if he wasn’t upset. If he needed something work or family related, he would have come to the office. Something was wrong.

Jace made a small sound in the back of his throat and leaned closer to Alec, dropping the hand that was anxiously running through his hair into his lap in defeat. Alec shifted closer to his parabatai, placing an arm around his shoulders and allowing Jace to nestle into his side.

“Jace, what’s wrong?” Alec asked softly.

“Just…” Jace started, then stopped, heaving a sigh and twisting his hands together in his lap. “Izzy told me that she found her soulmate.”

“Yeah, she told me, too,” Alec said. He reached over and grabbed one of Jace’s hands, giving it a squeeze, as if to say Keep going. I’m right here.

“And I just – I should feel happy for her, and I do, but I just can’t - ” Jake broke off, swallowing hard. “I just can’t stop thinking that I’ll never find mine.”

Alec’s heart broke at his words, and he tightened the arm that was around Jace’s shoulders, holding his parabatai as close as he physically could. He should have thought of what the news might do to Jace. For centuries, all Shadowhunters had been marked with soulmarks. They appeared at age six, and it was often cause for celebration when a young Shadowhunter’s new soulmark was revealed. They appeared overnight, pulsing red the next morning until the Shadowhunter noticed the new brand on their skin. Every Shadowhunter had one, since beyond the beginning of their culture; since the beginning of time.

Every Shadowhunter, except Jace.

Alec could still remember when his mother had asked Jace, shortly after he’d been brought to live with the Lightwoods: “Where’s your soulmark?” And the ten year-old boy, who hadn’t shed a single tear since he’d arrived, even when Maryse had asked about his parents and what happened to them, began to sob uncontrollably.

Since then, no one had ever asked Jace about his soulmark again, but it was common knowledge in the Institute why not; Jace was the only Shadowhunter without a soulmark.

Alec had done some research, trying to help his parabatai, but information about Shadowhunters without soulmarks was limited. There had never been one before Jace. Most of the information he had been able to gather had been from the Downworld, who had their own soulmarks; it was much more common among Downworlders to have unusual soulmarks, including multiple or none at all. He had talked to the High Warlock of Madrid, who had told him that, in the Downworld, those without soulmarks were unlikely to ever find someone that they could spend the rest of their lives with. It was a fate he couldn’t imagine, and it made his worries about finding his soulmate seem trivial in the face of Jace’s loss.

“I know I don’t need one to be happy,” Jace said, snapping Alec out of his thoughts, “but I want one, Alec, so bad.” He clenched his free hand into a fist and turned to Alec with a desperate, pleading expression. “I want to find someone I love so fucking bad.”

“I know,” Alec murmured, turning towards Jace fully and pulling his parabatai into his arms. “I’m so sorry, Jace. I would do anything for you to have that.” It was true. Alec would rip apart Hell and Heaven both if it meant that Jace could find his soulmate. He would even give up his own soulmark if it meant that his parabatai could be happy with a person that he loved.

Jace tucked his head into the crook of Alec’s neck and allowed himself to cry, just a few tears, reminiscent of the day he had sobbed into his own hands when he was ten in front of Maryse, Alec, and Izzy. Alec couldn’t imagine how heartbreaking it must be, to watch everyone that he loved finding their soulmates and getting married while Jace was left behind, stuck on the sidelines of their society and tradition. He knew it had to be isolating, at the very least, so he did his best to make sure that Jace knew he wasn’t alone.

Alec was the only person that Jace had ever trusted with this, and Alec was grateful for it. He thought he knew why; at 27 years old, he was still without a soulmate, when most Shadowhunters found theirs before they were even in their 20s. Alec understood the pain of missing someone he’d never met all too well.

Jace turned in Alec’s arms, bringing him back to reality, and shifted so he could meet Alec’s eyes. His cheeks were shiny with tears, and he said in a whisper: “Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone else?”

“Of course,” Alec reassured him, without hesitation. “You know I’ll always keep your secrets, parabatai.”

“I wasn’t born without one,” Jace said, his voice almost too quiet for Alec to hear. “A soulmark.”

“What do you mean?”

“I had one, once,” Jace said, and his voice sounded full of pain. When Alec looked into his heterochromatic eyes, they were haunted and far away. “It appeared when I was six, just like it was supposed to. I still remember what it looked like. A strength rune overshadowed by a bow and arrows. It was beautiful. I had it for a year.” He paused to take a shaky breath, and when he looked back up at Alec, it was with the unspoken promise that what he was about to say would never be shared with anyone else as long as they both lived.

“When I was seven, Valentine found my soulmark and burnt it off.”

Alec swallowed his gasp of horror, tightening his arms around Jace and fighting to tame the protective fire in his stomach. The idea of anyone burning his parabatai was almost too much to bear, but he knew he had to be strong; for Jace.

“H-He said it was a weakness. He told me that having a soulmate meant that there would be someone that enemies could use to get to me. He - He always said when I asked about it that a soulmate could take the focus away from my mission. To love is to destroy.”

Alec felt his heart break for the second time that day, and he pulled his parabatai impossibly closer, wishing with everything in him that he could make Jace feel the depth of his love, and how beautiful it was. They were stronger together.

“Do you remember what Clary said to you, when you told her the story of your falcon that first time?” Alec murmured into Jace’s ear. Without waiting for a response, he continued, “She told you that love is power. To love someone is to gain a friend, an ally, a partner in all that you do. Love is the thread that binds us all together.”

Jace nodded into Alec’s neck, and Alec pressed a soft kiss to the crown of his head. “She was right, Jace. I swear to you.”

“I know,” Jace said quietly, his voice wavering. “I just – it’s just hard, sometimes.”

“I know,” Alec echoed. “Believe me, I get it. When something is drilled into you, so hard that it seems like it’s all the way underneath your skin – it’s hard to get rid of that voice inside your head. But that voice is Valentine’s, Jace, not yours. And your voice is the only one that matters.”

Jace didn’t say anything in response, couldn’t; but he didn’t have to. Alec knew what was going through his mind. Sometimes their connection seemed to surpass even that of parabatai. Alec couldn’t imagine knowing anyone, or loving anyone, like he loved Jace.

After a few minutes had passed, Jace shifted in Alec’s arms, prompting Alec to release him and allow him to sit back a little. His gaze was focused on his lap, and he hesitated, turning towards Alec without looking at him. “No one’s ever seen my soulmark. Or, what’s left of it, anyway.”

“No one ever has to,” Alec promised him. “Not unless you want them to.”

Jace shrugged. “I kind of want you to. Just – Just to see it. So you know. So you know where it is, or where it used to be.”

“Okay,” Alec said, nodding and giving Jace’s hand a squeeze. “If that’s what you want, then I’m happy for you to show me.”

Jace nodded, and without another word he was pulling his shirt over his head, and he pointed to a mass of scar tissue on his skin that Alec had never seen before. When they trained together, Jace had always kept his shirt on, and even when they were kids he had refused to change shirts in front of Alec. He’d change pants or shorts or even boxers, but he had always kept his abdomen hidden, and Alec understood why.

The scar was cracked and thick, grotesque-looking, a spiderweb of lines extending from the center of Jace’s ribcage, where Valentine had chased the last of Jace’s soulmark across his skin, burning it until nothing was left. Alec took a deep breath, shoving down the urge to punch something. Getting angry at someone he couldn’t reach wouldn’t help Jace now.

He didn’t – couldn’t – understand exactly what this moment meant to Jace, but he knew he had been trusted with something important; Jace wouldn’t show the scar, nor tell the story, to anyone but Alec. It had taken him 26 years to utter the words. So Alec just reached for Jace’s hand again and squeezed, trying to tell the other half of his soul without the words that he was here for him, he wasn’t going anywhere, and no scar from Jace’s past could ever scare Alec away.

“Here,” Jace said, and brought their joined hands to his ribcage to rest against the burn scar. “Feel.” Alec knew, of course, what Jace wasn’t saying: Feel what I feel. I want you to understand me.

Alec pressed all five of his fingers into the scar, the remnants of Jace’s soulmark, and the feeling overwhelmed him, something close to empathy but deeper, a feeling so visceral that Alec let out a strangled sob, his shoulders shaking. A gasp forced its way out of his throat, and something exploded behind his eyes, and oh Raziel, it all makes sense now.

“Jace,” Alec mumbled, and the sound of his parabatai’s name on his lips made something click within Alec, like a lock snapping open, like a door being closed, like the end of a book or the beginning of a new story.

“Alec,” Jace answered, and his voice was full of wonder. He looked radiant standing in front of him, more beautiful than ever before, and Alec hadn’t thought that was possible, and suddenly Alec realised: He looked like the sun. He was as bright, as fierce, as capturing as the sun, and he was what Alec had always orbited around.

Alec grabbed at the hem of his own t-shirt with shaky fingers and lifted it up just enough to see his own soulmark, glowing golden. It was relief and euphoria and love all at once, and Alec didn’t even try to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. I found my soulmate. And all this time, he was right here.

Right in front of me.

“Soulmate,” Jace said, and there was something sure and complete in his voice, like the last piece of a puzzle he’d been trying to solve for years had finally slotted itself into place.

“Soulmate,” Alec repeated in awe. The words burned his throat, but it felt like the kind of burn he felt in his lungs after running through the city, hot on a demon’s trail, or the burn of his stele, tracing a new rune onto his skin. It felt like life. It felt like a promise. It felt like hope.

Alec moved forward almost unconsciously, following the pull of the feeling, and met Jace’s lips like they were both born to do it, and maybe they were. It was the first of many, a new beginning, and Alec knew now that he had been wrong; he did need a soulmate. He needed this soulmate. And with any luck, he always would.

#takaraphoenix #jalecsecretsanta2021 #my writing #shadowhunters #jalec #alec lightwood #jace wayland #fanfiction #my fanfiction #em's raging secret santa obsession

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moonlight-breeze-44 · 3 years

Note

Hi, this is your rarepair exchange gifter! You listed alcohol as a dislike but I had an idea that involves yin fen use (aftermath, not current.) I didn't want to gift you something that might be triggering so I wanted to ask about your comfort level. I am 100% okay with going with another idea if it's something you don't like. 💜 Since it's a sensitive topic, I will send you another ask to answer in case you don't want your answer public! Hope you're having a great 2022 🎉

Hello there! I apologise it took me so long to see this ask. I'm a bit in and out with my Tumblr most days.

I appreciate the consideration and reaching out very much! A fic that involves yin fen use is completely fine with me; alcohol is a specific trigger for me, not a general 'addiction' trigger. It was very kind and thoughtful of you to ask first. <3

I hope you're having a great 2022 as well, and I'm looking forward to reading my gift! I know it will be amazing!

~ Em

#asked and answered #anonymous #em's raging secret santa obsession #asked #asks #ask box #answered

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moonlight-breeze-44 · 3 years

Text

Safe (In His Arms)

Hey, guys! This fic was written for Nadja_Lee in conjunction with the Jalec Prompt Challenge 2021! I really enjoyed writing this, and I hope you will enjoy reading it, as well.

Title: Safe (In His Arms)

Rating: Mature

Pairing: Malace, Jalec focus

Content warnings: Self-harm, negative self-talk, D/s dynamics

After a mission gone wrong, Alec ends up in the training room, punishing himself for his perceived failure. But when Jace finds out, he isn't going to let it continue any longer.

- - - -

Read on AO3

Alec gritted his teeth and threw another punch, the impact tearing the skin around his knuckles, but he didn’t care. He was burning with guilt and he felt like his chest was about to explode. His heart hadn’t stopped racing since his patrol had arrived back at the Institute, carrying two dead Shadowhunters and three injured. A patrol he led.

Now he had to notify two families that their loved ones weren’t coming home, and three good Shadowhunters would need up to a month of recovery before they were able to reenter the field.

Stupid fucking failure.

Alec growled and flew forward again, hitting the punching bag over and over. It didn’t take away their deaths, nor help the Shadowhunters lying in the infirmary right now, but it eased his own pain enough to try and get his head on straight. He still had work to do.

Ignoring the droplets of blood that stained the bag he was using, Alec punched again, grimacing in satisfaction at the sting in his hands. Weeping slivers of his skin protested the abuse, but he paid them no mind. Pain is the road to success, his mother used to say. Suffering is not to be avoided; it is to be endured.

Alec could endure pain. He could keep going until he physically collapsed from exhaustion. Maybe he couldn’t change what had already happened on his mission, but he could at least make sure the cause of their mishap was sufficiently dealt with. He had learned well from his parents. If they weren’t here to punish him, it didn’t matter; he would punish himself.

Alec threw another punch, viciously, and ignored the way that blood stained his punching bag at the impact. I deserve it.

“Alec?” A familiar voice boomed. “What are you doing?”

Alec whirled around to see his parabatai standing in the doorway to the training room, arms crossed over his chest. He looked grim, but resigned. Alec could see the faintest hint of sadness behind his heterochromatic eyes, and it sent a whirlpool of guilt spinning in his stomach. Jace raised an expectant eyebrow at Alec, daring him to prolong his silence. “I asked you a question.”

“I’m training,” Alec mumbled, shifting in place to hide his bloody hands behind his back.

“That’s bullshit,” Jace growled, and he stalked over to Alec, eyes flashing. “Let me see them.”

Alec kept his gaze on the linoleum floor beneath him, ignoring his parabatai’s order.

“Alec, do you really want to test me?” Jace asked, lifting one perfect eyebrow and fixing Alec with a stern glare. “I’m giving you the option to take care of this, right now. Do you want to have a problem at home later, too?”

Alec shook his head, the defiance seeping out of him, and slowly brought his hands into Jace’s line of sight. “Good,” Jace praised, but the smile he gave Alec to tell him that he’d done a good job was tight-lipped, and Alec knew he wasn’t out of the woods yet.

“Now,” Jace said, taking Alec’s hands in his, “I’m going to heal these, and then you & I are going to have a talk. Sound good?”

Alec nodded mutely, unable to respond with words. If he was being honest, the thought of Jace healing his self-inflicted injuries filled him with a bitter sort of disappointment. He deserved them. But he knew he’d be in even more trouble if he didn’t listen to Jace, and the last thing he wanted was to get Magnus involved. Magnus was even stricter than Jace about their rules, and Alec knew he’d broken at least two by fleeing to the training room to hurt himself instead of seeking out one of them.

Jace pulled his stele from his back pocket and traced it over Alec’s hands, watching with satisfaction as the torn skin knitted itself back together, and all traces of blood disappeared from his knuckles. Alec tried not to let his mixed feelings show on his face as the injuries vanished, like they were never even there.

“Look at me,” Jace implored, keeping Alec’s hands sandwiched between his. Even without the finger lifting his chin that was usually accompanied by those words, Alec tilted his head upwards to meet Jace’s gaze obediently. “You know that you broke two rules today, right?”

Alec nodded, swallowing hard against the sudden lump in his throat and fighting the urge to break eye contact with Jace.

“I’m going to need a verbal answer to that if you can manage it, buddy.”

Alec cleared his throat and said, “Yes. I know I broke two rules today.”

“List the two rules that you broke, please.”

“I didn’t keep myself safe and I didn’t talk to you or Magnus to ask for what I needed,” Alec mumbled, his bottom lip trembling.

“That’s right. Good job, Alec.” Jace released one of his hands to place his palm on Alec’s cheek, stroking softly. Alec shuddered hard and leaned into the touch.

“What would you have asked us for today, had you made the right choice instead of coming here?” Jace’s tone was soft, without a hint of patronization, and Alec felt himself inching forward to be closer to it, to decrease the proximity between himself and Jace.

“I would have asked for pain,” Alec responded truthfully. “I-I couldn’t stop blaming myself for the mission going wrong. I still can’t. I led it, I…I authorized it. I was responsible. And I needed to be punished. If I had come to you instead of hurting myself, I would have asked for a spanking.”

“Good,” Jace murmured, stroking along Alec’s cheek once more. “And you know that, if you had asked, we would have given that to you, right? It wouldn’t be as a punishment for a failure; neither of us – and no one in this Institute – blames you for what happened on the mission today. We would not punish you for something that you don’t deserve to be punished for. But we would have given you what you needed, Alec.” Without allowing him to respond, Jace closed the few feet of distance between them and dropped Alec’s hand in favour of hooking two fingers through the black leather collar around Alec’s neck. “We will always give you what you need, parabatai. Do you trust us?”

“Yes,” Alec breathed, the heat in his chest rising and threatening to explode. He blinked back angrily the tears that wanted to fall.

Jace tugged a little on Alec’s collar, which was engraved with both Jace and Magnus’s names, along with Property of. “Yes what?”

“Yes, Dom.”

“Good boy.” With that, the dam collapsed in Alec’s chest and he let out a strangled sob, falling forward into Jace’s arms. Without a moment’s hesitation, Jace caught him, cradling Alec’s head against his shoulder and wrapping him in a warm embrace.

“Shh, it’s okay,” he soothed. “I’m right here, Alec. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got you.”

“S-Sorry,” Alec choked out, tears spilling down his cheeks and onto Jace’s t-shirt. “I’m s-so sorry, Jace.”

“Thank you for apologising,” Jace said softly, running his fingers soothingly through Alec’s jet-black hair. “You’re forgiven, angel. Magnus and I forgive you.”

“B-But he - ”

“Shhh,” Jace cut him off, calmly and with the confidence of someone who had done this a million times. “Magnus does not need to be here for me to know that he forgives you, Alec.” He pressed a soft kiss to Alec’s hair and said, “If you want, we can call him later and talk before we go home for the night, but for now, let’s just focus on getting you calm, okay?”

“O-Okay,” Alec agreed, trembling in Jace’s arms. The weight of death rested on his shoulders, but safe in Jace’s embrace, he knew it wasn’t his alone to bear. His Doms had always helped him carry his burdens in the past, and he didn’t know why he’d thought this would be any different. “Sorry,” he breathed again in Jace’s ear, feeling the guilt in his stomach eating away at him.

“Alec,” Jace said, and pulled back a little, just enough so that Alec could see his face. “Look at me.” He lifted Alec’s chin with two fingers and held his parabatai’s gaze sternly. “You are forgiven. Is that clear?”

“Yes,” Alec breathed, choking on another sob. He was trembling like a leaf.

“Yes what?”

“Yes, Dom,” Alec said, and Jace leaned forward to press a soft kiss to his parabatai’s lips.

“Good boy.”

The guilt in Alec’s chest evaporated into nothingness, and he sagged forward, exhausted, into Jace’s hold. They stayed there for a few minutes, Alec shaking and crying, Jace comforting him softly in the quiet of the training room.

When he felt calm enough to stand on his own, Alec pulled back, allowing Jace to loosen his grip. Alec reached for Jace’s hand and tugged, a nonverbal signal to Jace that he wanted to ask a question.

“What is it, Alec?”

“Are you and Magnus going to punish me?” Alec asked quietly, not meeting Jace’s eyes. He knew he deserved it. He had disobeyed Jace’s order when he first walked into the training room, and he had broken two of his rules.

Jace smiled lightly and gave Alec’s hand a squeeze. “No, not this time. I think you’ve been through enough today, and I’m sure Magnus would agree.” Alec’s shoulders slumped with relief. As much as he knew that he had fucked up, he desperately didn’t want to cry a second time today, and punishments were the kind of therapeutic that always made him cry.

“However,” Jace continued, and Alec snapped to attention, “That doesn’t mean that we’re going to be going easy on you for this, Alec. In the future, if we have this problem again, you will be punished. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, Dom,” Alec muttered.

“Good boy. Do you understand why that is, Alec?”

“I need to learn,” Alec responded, looking up at Jace so he could see that Alec was being honest about what he thought, not just repeating what Magnus and Jace had told him. “You need to be sure that this doesn’t happen again.”

“That’s right.” Jace nodded approvingly. “We’re not mad; neither of us could ever be mad at you, no matter what you did. We just need to be sure that you understand why this - ” Jace lifted Alec’s left hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss on Alec’s knuckles, “ - isn’t okay.”

Alec nodded and moved closer to Jace, returning to the position he had been in before. “I understand.”

“Good, I’m glad.”

They were silent for a few minutes before Jace spoke up and said, “Do you feel ready to leave and go back to your office?”

Alec nodded, too emotionally drained and comfortable in Jace’s arms to respond verbally. Jace chuckled and gave Alec’s shoulder a gentle prod with his own. “Are you tired, baby?”

“Mmhmm,” Alec hummed in response.

“Okay, we’ll go back to your office and then you can curl up on the futon and take a nap. After that, you can kneel at my feet for a while if you need to,” Jace said, running his fingers through Alec’s hair and tugging a little on the jet-black strands just to hear the purr that Alec made in response. “Does that sound good?”

Alec nodded again. “‘M tired.”

“I know, angel. Do you want me to carry you?”

“Yes please.”

Jace smiled and patted Alec’s back, signaling that he should jump forward into Jace’s arms. Alec did as he was told, and Jace caught him easily, hauling Alec over his shoulder like he weighed no more than a sack of potatoes.

“I’ve got you,” Jace promised, and tightened his arms around Alec for emphasis. “Magnus and I are always gonna take care of you, baby.”

“I believe you,” Alec said honestly, his voice muffled against Jace’s shoulder, and then added: “Love you.”

“Love you too, angel.”

With that, Alec allowed himself to be soothed by Jace’s plodding steps, and fell quickly asleep.

#jalecpromptchallenge #shadowhunters #malace #jalec #alec lightwood #jace wayland #magnus bane #my writing #my fanfiction #d/s dynamic #tw: sh #tw: self image #em's raging secret santa obsession #fanfic #fanfiction #gift exchange

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