#emotionally and they just want mob to be taken care of because its what we all want isnt it?

[timexistsnow]

my baby (oh my pup)

Chapter 1:  little baby (of mine)

Techno just wanted to make the voices happy.

Techno might have taken his retirement a little too hard. Not that he had gotten depressed or gone insane from the seclusion- no it was a little too late for that-, but perhaps he didn’t need to go so very secluded. Since the moment Phil left after helping him move, no one had come. No visitors, no assassins, no armies, no one.

It was strange, for something like this to be so easy. Maybe a little depressing. No one had stopped him. Don’t be mistaken, Techno didn’t want to have to fight his way out physically, but emotionally, nothing happened. Not that he could blame them.

Yet, here he was, in the tundra, alone. As he stared down at his notebook, Techno realized that he didn’t know what to write. There were no plans. There were no goals. Still, Techno had to do something, or he’d go even more insane. Already, the voices were demanding entertainment.

He could… give them blood. Not in the form of people or anything, but he could still make it work. The Nether always had something to fight. He had been working on his wither collection on the side, there was no better time than now to work on something so mindless. Blood it was.

His trek was short, but the swift transition from frigid to sweltering was a refresher. The pink of his ears turned red with the burn, he was always tempted to get a hat, but his crown wouldn’t work very well. What was a king without his crown.

After wandering around and taking random pathways, he came to a crimson forest. The biome always confused him, the huge pig abominations always made him feel uncomfortable. They were a reminder of how strange Techno was even to a place like the nether.

His ears, finally warmed, perked to a noise, a squeal likely from a piglin pup. He cringed at first but then a smile came to his face: Techno never liked orphans. If its parents were nearby, he could start his outing well. It was settled, time to make an orphan and then kill an orphan. Brutal, perhaps, but they were just mindless mobs and Techno was never squeamish.

Again, a squeal, this one followed by grunts of older piglins and a herd of footsteps. It would be a bloodbath.

There it was, a piglin pup… being chased. And the pup was bleeding and crying, but not for its mother in piglish like the normal ones did. This was just crying out. For anyone. The thing tripped on a shroom, falling to the nether wart ground. When a shield bashed into its snout, it didn’t get back up. The crying stopped.

“We have it, boys! The little thing will be a good subject for us, won’t you?” the villager pulled the piglet to his face, holding him by a hoof. They muzzled him, stopping the squealing. He wanted his momma and papa.

No, not again. Yes, they were mindless mobs, but Techno didn’t care at the moment, the pup needed help. The piglins- they would hurt them- they would take them and hide them away, change them into something horrific!

Sprinting what felt like a chasm of blocks, Techno pulled out his axe- he couldn’t risk the sweeping edge- and struck down each piglin until only the pup remained. They were beginning to wake up, and the tears resumed. Their eyes never opened but they could smell the blood on the axe, they thought it was their turn.

“No, no, little pup, I’m not here to hurt you,” Techno soothed the pup, sheathing his axe. With a closer look, the pup was in bad shape. They were bruised and their snout appeared to be broken with all of the blood and swelling. He… could leave it. But no, that would be wrong, even Techno had some common decency. There was no way that the pup would survive in this state in the Nether. They would have to come home, if just for the night.

The pup must have been exhausted as it only whimpered when Techno scooped it up into his arms. When they came to the portal, the pup finally came to its senses. Wretched squeals and sobs tore from their abused throat, they only cried more as blood seeped from the broken nose and onto Techno’s shirt. Techno couldn’t help but grimace, this wasn’t a good look, they probably through they were being taken away

from his straw shelter that his family had just built. He wanted home, he wanted to sleep in a nice pile of straw for the first time. He wanted his momma’s milk. But the men were dragging him further and further away. Techno couldn’t even squeal with his snout muzzled with rope. It burned against his fair skins, his soft fur tearing out.

and Techno couldn’t just let the piglin go because it would die and he could not let that happen. But it was because he should, as a decent person. So even with the crying, they had to go.

Stepping through the portal made Techno shiver, he always forgot the cold. The little bundle- oh, the little bundle definitely never even knew of the cold. They screamed out and Techno took off his cape, swaddling them up. It seemed to help a bit, little hoof-like hands snuck out the fuzzy mess to pet the red fabric. They were mesmerized by it, their little milky eyes wide in wonder, the crying reduced to sniffles. Techno smiled, at least he wasn’t the only one who appreciated his style.

He almost pulled out a pearl before thinking otherwise, the jolt might be too much for the pup. Don’t judge him for being cautious, he’d never cared for a baby, even less a piglin pup. How to begin the care, he still hadn’t worked out. Just do what you do for yourself, you’re both pigs, anyway. Techno shrugged, that seemed like better than nothing, and if the pup died, well at least he tried. That was all he could do in the end.

Once arriving at his cottage, Techno set them on the carpeted floor, still swaddled in his cloak. Luckily, he always had potions brewed, just in case (even though no one ever came), so he juggled a few healing over to their place on the blue carpet. The clunk startled the pup away from the red fabric, and they shimmied towards the door and then paused. Techno watched as they whimpered at their bare arms now exposed to the cool air of the cottage, they had left the cloak in their panic. Techno smiled and crouched down.

“You can keep this if you want- just for now. I’ve got more,” they shied away at the words, not moving from their spot. Oh, right, piglins don’t speak English. He repeated it in broken piglish, but even then, the pup just stared blankly. Instead, Techno slid his cloak across the floor. Once it touched the piglin pup’s hoof, they squealed hoarsely in joy, finally getting the message.

“There you go,” Techno reached back and unscrewed the cork and slid it to the pup, “Drink this.” A little hand unlatched from the cloak and poked the glass. Techno sighed and mimed drinking.

The crouch was wearing on him so Techno sat down cross-legged like the piglin. He might as well try to look as unthreatening as possible. When his knee bumped one of his potions, Techno debated how many he should give the pup. One would probably be enough, but with a busted snout, he wasn’t sure. Could they even drink a full one without getting sick? Techno cursed himself, he should have thought of that.

Attention going back to the pup, they were… dunking their hand in and sucking it off like honey. Okay, that wasn’t adorable, not at all. Techno was a tough anarchist, he would not be swayed by a child being stupid. At least the swelling was going down, the dark blue turning to a sickly yellow. It must not have been as bad as Techno originally thought, because it didn’t look like it needed setting.

But the blood, that was another story. They looked like they had never been groomed, definitely not bathed. Then again, there wasn’t any water to be bathed in when in the nether, but normal piglins always looked better than this. Why weren’t they groomed? Why were they cast out?

It didn’t matter now, the pup needed a clean, Techno told himself. He wasn’t even going to keep them for more than the night, there was no need for speculation. Even if he wanted to help them for a while, it would be wrong, they would lose their connection to the Nether and natural instincts for survival. At that point, he might as well put them out of their misery- no. Think of the now, not of the later.

Once the pup was done with their drink and had licked their hand… clean he scooped them up. They didn’t struggle much this time, simply snuggling down into the body heat Techno was emitting. Yeah, they definitely needed a shower, the Nether did them no favors.

With a bath running- only a few inches, keep it lukewarm (Phil used to tell Techno how to care for Tommy even if he never took care of Tommy himself) Techno undressed the pup from its ragged clothing and set them in the tub. At first, they sat still, the wetness clearly being a new sensation, but with a single tentative slap of the water, they were having fun. Techno chuckled at the childishness of the pup, he hadn’t seen something so innocent in a while. He’s not tearing up, it’s just… soft, unlike the sharp edges of L’manburg and axes and threats like he was used to.

But the pup needed bathing so there was no time for a crisis. It was an awkward process, the pup (now dubbed a girl) wasn’t the most compliant, she just wanted to play. For a minute he let her, but it got tiring and was late in the day. Techno had things to do.

After getting her freshened up and dried, he realized something: she had no clothes. The rags were still on the floor but that’s all they were: rags. The pup kicked at them, clearly having the same idea. Okay, something else it is. Going through the door of the bathroom and into his bedroom/library, Techno dug around in his chest of clothes. A bed shirt, that could do. Oh, and if he used a small sash he could tie it to be a dress, yes. The pup let him assemble her outfit, more interested in the new softness.

Techno studied his work, tapping his hoof. It was quite temporary but tomorrow he could go to the village and get some baby villager’s clothes. Another noise joined his thoughts, slightly offbeat to his tapping. The pup was tapping her hoof along him, her brow scrunched up in concentration. When he hummed a laugh at her, she shrank away, grabbing up the cloak and covering herself with it again. Oh.

The villagers laughed at his feeble attempts at wiggling out of their grasps, they poked at his fragile skin with their sticks. When the whimpering started, their laughs only became bellows. “It’s a funny little piggy isn’t it?”

Shaking his head, Techno knew he had to speed things along or the day would never end. “Okay, pup, I bet you want some food, don’t you?” The pup perked up, eyes going wide and expectant, huh, that was… strange.

His table only ever had one chair, not bothering to take up any more space than what was needed, so the pup sat and Techno stood. Food, food was a thing all creatures ate… what did piglins eat? Pig, of course, think pig. All pigs liked potatoes and carrots, and look at that, Techno was the potato guy. He didn’t have many, most of them were left at the ravine in Pogtopia, but for today, she’d be fine.

Putting a potato in his smoker, he took a moment to study the piglin pup. Again, why? It just didn’t make sense. The pup only stared back, her fidgeting getting more and more intense. He should probably stop. But the question burned into his mind-

“Stop!” she squealed. Now Techno stared, blinked- “Stop!”

The smoker beeped, and Techno jerked around. One breath in, another out. Just get the food, figure it out later. When he peaked back, the pup looked… smug. Piglins don’t do any of that. They get angry, they growl, they definitely don’t speak English and look smug. Perhaps, that would explain some of her treatment.

He pondered this as he plated her food and slid it across the table to the pup. When the pondering switched back to staring, she shrunk down again, eyes going between the potato and Techno’s gaze. “You can eat, I-” Techno wanted to ask so many questions, but, “I’ll… stop.”

She nodded and munched into the potato. Techno adverted his gaze, feeling awkward. His stomach grumbled to the sound of her eating. Instead of going for potatoes, Techno pulled out his golden carrots, setting a few on the table. At the sound of the clunk, the pup oinked around a mouthful. One of her hands released the potato and made grabby hands at the carrot. Oh, gold of course. But, then she would want more, Techno reasoned.

Another oink, sounding more like a piglet than a fierce piglin pup. Techno sighed and scratched through the fur at the back of his head: she was really cute. Damnit. He didn’t even need the voices to know that.

Oink, oink.

“Okay, fine, finish the potato and I’ll give you one,” he caved. She was just so… precious. Techno let out a whimper, she was smiling again, with that stupid smug look.

She began her munching again, all hesitance gone. Techno joined her, snacking on his carrots, making sure to leave one on the table. The carrots were alright, the taste never mattered as much as the fact that he was putting something in his body. At least the shiny-ness entertained the piglin once she got her chubby hands on it.

The cronch cronch of the carrots was the soundtrack to Techno’s spiraling thoughts. Why was she intelligent? Clearly not as in super-genius, but mobs couldn’t pick up languages other than their own, it was part of their nature. The piglin pup wasn’t natural though, that Techno did know.

“What. Want?” she spoke up, her carrot gone. Techno would never get used to that.

Techno hummed at her, shaking his head, “Nothing.”

She- needed a name- mimicked him, shaking her head back. She pointed at him, “Want.”

Techno sighed and decided to indulge her, “You needed help so I did. Simple as that.”

A huff escaped her snout before she startled again, shrinking down and hunching her shoulders. “Sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. I pulled you out of the Nether. Probably should have thought that through more.” Techno was a fool, the poor pup didn’t know what to do with herself. Techno didn’t know what to do with her.

Now it was silence. The weirdest standoff Techno had ever been in, with a child none the less. Thankfully, the pup broke first, yawning wide. Their little tusks poked out, they looked like they had just started coming through. Which meant this pup was very young. And needed naps. “Come on, I’ll put you to bed.”

“Beh-d,” she mouthed out, allowing Techno to pick her up and back to the library.

The blue sheeted bed was almost never used, still made from a few days ago. Techno didn’t like to sleep, and with a sleepy piglin in his arms reminding him of it, he was starting to feel the deprivation now. His yawn joined hers. He sat down and set her next to him by the pillow end.

Patting the bed, he explained, “This is a bed, you sleep on it.” She still looked a little confused and did a weird motion with her hands. It looked like an explosion, but Techno paid it no mind. If his knowledge was correct, baby piglins mostly slept in netherrack caves in groups, a bed would be a foreign experience. To show her he meant no harm, he lied down on his side, his back to the wall. She did the same, picking at the wool blanket she lied on. Techno smiled and tucked her in.

“You,” she demanded, tugging at the blanket stuck under his body weight. Oh, she thought he was going to stay with her. Right as he was about to decline, another “You!” squealed out.

Techno sighed and considered his options. It would make more sense to stay with her, make sure she’s alright through the night. He didn’t want to sleep, but…

He slithered under the blanket, trying to not get amused at the smile that graced the pup. At least she wasn’t crying.

When his eyes started to slip shut, Techo swore that he fought the need to sleep, but the piglin snuggled against his chest and the snore-like oinks were so relaxing. So maybe, he would allow himself to waste one day away. It was nice to not be so isolated for once, he thought. Soon, there were two sets of oink-like snores.

[musingsofaperpetualdaydreamer]

THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR.

You don’t have to agree with what I’m about to say, you’re allowed to have your own feelings and opinion, this is just my post reflection re-examined take not just as a black fan but as human in general but I hope it gives you a new perspective. I’ve been thinking about this whole situation and wanting to see if there’s something I’m missing because something feels badly wrong and I just can’t shake it. 

I think what genuinely started off as respectful constructive criticism has now become people nitpicking on a whole new level and some people just being flat out hateful. I’m talking DEMONIC level vile and twisting things to fit some messed up agenda they have. To be honest some non black or poc fans seem more upset about this situation than black fans themselves. I feel like this whole thing has now gotten out of hand and taken a lot of focus off the movement that could honestly be a lot better spent.

The class of 2020 video I felt was her just trying to be light hearted and connect with people who yes, many are going through a difficult time, but their graduation was supposed to be a really happy day. She was bullied a lot in school, so graduation must’ve been something she held on to during dark times and looked forward to to give her hope. Then she never got to fulfil the ending she imagined but she celebrated in her own way with her mum who was her rock the whole time in a not so glamorous setting but she was happy. So I think she just wanted to make them feel better and focus on the positives. Which I thought was nice of her. Taylor’s going through her own difficulties also. I didn’t see it as her trying to trivialise what other people may be going through at all. What did you want her to do? I’m pretty sure if she took a focus on the serious issues approach you’d say she’s being too negative or it wouldn’t be right in some other way.

As for the BLM situation, I too wished she’d do more and felt she had so much potential to still do better. I wrote a whole rambly post explaining my feelings. Here’s my original post for reference: https://musingsofaperpetualdaydreamer.tumblr.com/post/620145959803961344/maybe-i-am-stupid-for-feeling-this-hurt-and-its

After taking some time to think about it, I’ve come to some realisations that have given me a new perspective. Do I think that Taylor could still do better? Yes she has lots of potential to improve. But what is better? Who gets to decide what level of better is enough? What I’ve come to realise is though I think a lot of people are genuinely coming from a place of love, we’re holding Taylor to an unfair standard. Before you get all outraged just hear me out.

Like I said in my original post I think most of us feel this is odd and confusing for the same reasons. In any case, I think our special bond with her is the major part of why we’re holding her to this high standard. The fan/celebrity dynamic can be incredibly toxic for both parties. She’s grateful for her fans and goes above and beyond the norm to really make us all feel special and loved, like we’re friends almost. But the truth is, fan love can be very toxic and in reality she’ll never be able to love us back the way we love her or want her to. Not because she doesn’t care enough to but the very nature of our relationship makes it impossible to do so because this relationship is an unnatural one.

Essentially she is one human who is and or does something we like (ie. make music), that we often also attach our own super meaningful significances and emotion to. So it’s more than just what they are/do it’s also what that means to us. We are over a million individual STRANGERS who obsess and sort of stalk her in a socially acceptable way (for the most part) and we love her and believe we’re special to her because she approves and acknowledges and interacts with us as a collective group through posts online and during in person events. But because we also feel that we love her in our own unique way as individuals distinct from the group and have our own ‘love story’ with her, we believe we all have a unique special bond with her. Logically we know we are just a stranger but emotionally I guess deep down we crave that love being reciprocated as an individual. We don’t just want to be loved as a collective, we want to be special to her, we want to let her know how much we love her and have her listen to our thoughts/feelings and essentially feel like her friend and for us to tell us personally she loves and appreciates us back or to praise or validate our displays of love in some way.

Without meaning to we can often put her on a pedestal. She is our perfect idol, queen of whatever safe haven we’ve created in ‘her magical world’ we escape to. We love and defend her. In some cases it almost becomes like borderline worship. We would do anything for her or anything to feel close to her no matter how humiliating or whatever the cost, because it’s for her she is our everything and no one could understand your love, they just don’t get it. Who cares if you look crazy, love is crazy right? We obsessively learn facts about her as a way to feel closer. Or save up for ages just to buy objects she sells or pay to be in her presence for an hour or two. Those who get to meet her report back to the group details which would be viewed as incredibly creepy outside the context of fan/celebrity, like what does she smell like, how long you remember her holding your hand for in seconds, the instant you saw her you fell on the floor overcome with emotion and ugly cried, despite this being your first time ever meeting her, so you are again likely a literal stranger to her, you profess your love and proceed to tell her your deepest darkest and most intimate thoughts, feelings, life traumas and secrets and want her to be completely chill and loving and instantly say something beautiful and profound in response to treasure forever. The group fawn over you when you return, you become a chosen one, the chosen elite are specially selected and invited to her home (the HIGHEST honour) where she shares her work with you before anyone, you then have a secret to keep because she trusts you and loves you.

Human beings cannot form deep intimate friendships with over a million people. It’s just not possible. She will never be our friend friend, but the closest thing we have is her momentarily acknowledging our existence. We know this and so it becomes a competition for her attention. This kind of one sided love and weird relationship dynamic, allows us to more easily tap into the darker sometimes more destructive sides of love; obsession, jealousy, rage, neediness, possessiveness. I’m not saying this to make fun of anyone (trust me, I have humiliated myself in ways as fangirl especially as a teen that continue to haunt me to this day), I just wanted to give you a very literal description of our relationship with her so you’ll understand my point that our relationship is unnatural.

We would say we love Taylor like a friend, but when you’re a fan you don’t really. Not because you don’t know enough about her or she doesn’t talk to you enough but for the very nature of what I explained above, she may mean something to us but to her we are literally strangers. Besides, imagine a good friend of yours right now, imagine doing everything you do for Taylor for your friend. Put pictures of them all over your bedroom wall, frame a tissue they touched, make web pages dedicated to them, wearing clothing with their face on it. Yeah, there’s a high chance they’d get a restraining order against you.

From Taylor’s perspective it must be incredibly strange. She’s said she often feels like she’s in a fish bowl. Well what we essentially do is all smoosh our faces against the glass and repeatedly tap it to get the attention of the pretty fish (Taylor). Every time it comes out of the little castle in the bowl, the frenzy begins. Could you imagine what it must feel like to be her? All that attention? All those people pinning all their expectations hopes and dreams on you. Thousands of people making you their sanctuary and safety comforter so if you did something to loose them their worlds would come crashing down. That’s an insane amount of pressure. It must be genuinely terrifying. 

Taylor said she struggles with wanting to keep everybody happy and giving too much of herself to do so, she’s a perfectionist and hates letting people down or she beats herself up about it. I know she loves what she does, but at the same time it must be so exhausting and really drain you. She must read lots of really happy & silly posts, but then some might be people sharing really emotional things about a very difficult and dark time they’re going through, though we mean well when we share it, it must be really hard knowing that you can’t help them. I don’t even want to imagine the vile hate that she reads, because imagine how one hate comment makes us feel but she gets hundreds and sometimes it’s on magazines at the store so it follows her everywhere. She can’t even go outside to do regular human things without the risk of getting mobbed or just knowing everyone’s staring at her and watching her every move. Look how we all hate being trapped at home because everywhere we go outside is dangerous due to COVID-19. It’s a huge amount to take in and process emotionally.

Sometimes I think she research’s people before she meets them, not just because she cares, but for her own sanity and to make it less strange. So the interaction can be more normal. She seems to really like reading people just talking about their ordinary life, day to day things because her life is far from normal. But she meets us like a conveyer belt, people that she makes a connection with and then they get taken away and she’ll never get to meet them again. When she wants to see someone again, people get upset because why aren’t they getting a chance to get picked or that person had already met her, but they don’t think about how Taylor feels because maybe she likes that person and wants to talk to them again. We think her life is incredibly privileged and yes she’s incredibly smart and knows how to handle her career but in reality in a lot of ways it must be so maddening, sad and lonely because human beings were not designed to live this way. “And they tell you that you’re lucky but you’re so confused, ‘cause you don’t feel pretty you just feel used.”

It’s okay to be a fan of someone or look up to them or connect and find meaning with them and their work. As long as it’s done in a healthy way. We need to really work on that or we’re really going to hurt her more than we have. For Taylor to live the life she does, you have to develop really thick skin or turn to things to just numb everything, I see how celebrities end up with addiction problems or suddenly acting out because they can’t cope anymore. You have to learn to shut it out to survive. We made her our comfort blanket that we’d find it hard to live without. So we want her to behave in a way that we approve, not just because we want her to be her best self but also because we struggle to think how we’d cope without her. But we have to remember she’s human just like us. She’s going to make mistakes, not always be her best self, have bad days. Just because she might have more money or more people that know her doesn’t make her magically stop being human. She goes through life like everyone else. It’s healthy to give her constructive criticism but we have to watch the tone in which we say things. I’m not saying we baby her but we have to remember unnatural dynamic we have. It’s not just a few posts, it ends up being thunderously loud because it’s thousands or more than a million people saying the same thing. Social media makes you forget you’re talking to a human being because you can’t see their face or their reaction to how your words are impacting them. Sometimes you can’t shut it out and to her it must feel like a million people are suddenly very angry or disappointed with you and are going to take their love away. Because I guess in a way she becomes attached to us also. You don’t stop caring no matter what people say, you’re human. Remember how it feels when one person you love is disappointed or angry with you. Now amplify that. Mentally that’s...wow. I feel so so bad for her because I honestly don’t know how she copes and does this so well. This could all really send someone over the edge and we’ve seen it happen. We’ve gotten a tiny glimpse into how badly it can affect her. I’m glad she has an amazing family, Joe and true friends who are there for her but God only how she copes behind closed doors.

This fandom sometimes reaches an ugly level of entitlement because the truth is she has spoiled us. We expect things that we shouldn’t expect because she gives us more attention and puts more effort into making all of us feel special than we deserve. I can’t believe after everything she’s ever done, people would think it was all a lie. Mess up one time and everything you did was fake? People who are fake mess up, especially when things aren’t going their way or to plan and they snap and reveal what they’re really like. She’s been through so many trials time and time again and proven her character. Come on, we know who she is. Like all humans she might not be perfect but she is truly good person and she has a good heart and a pure beautiful soul. She’d have to be an insanely good actress and dedicate a huge amount of time to planning all of these lies. You guys have met her, you’ve seen how good she is at connecting with people instantly. She’s warm and loving and even the cats love her as much as she loves them. For someone who has so much money, she seems to enjoy the simple things in life the most and making everyone happy and she’s so humble. I think a lot of that is also in part to the people around her who keep her grounded. 

Anyhow, that black and white thinking of you are either all good or you’re all bad, is so immature and dangerous, because people are more complicated than that because we’re not simply one thing. Which one of us is a perfect person that has never made a mistake or let people down? Ever made a resolution that you stuck to or you needed more time to work on, or were just unsure how to begin or feel overwhelmed? Exactly. I know a lot of us came from a place of love, we don’t hate her at all we just wanted her to do better. And we’ve come up with all kinds of conspiracies of why she doesn’t want to post more because we feel that this doesn’t match the Taylor that we know in our hearts that she is. 

We need to stop judging and shaming each other. Virtue signalling for the sake of looking woke and outrage culture needs to end because it honestly does more harm than good. I’ve seen it become like dangerous mob behaviour and people get hurt. We all learn at our own pace and handle things in our own way and prefer helping in our own preferred ways. Don’t always assume the worst about people. Like I said, social media isn’t the be all and end of everything. Just because you don’t post about it doesn’t mean you don’t care. You could be doing lots of things offline to help that could be really impactful. Often times these can have huge meaningful long term impact, because we literally don’t live inside the internet. Humans connecting with each other in the real world as nature intended us to be is actually super important. I think a lot of problems could be resolved by people logging off the internet and talking to each other in person; people say things behind a screen that they wouldn’t in real life or may regret because it’s easier to not access empathy and not view the person you’re talking to as human this way. It’s good to take your own time to properly think about things before you just open your mouth. Besides everyone starts somewhere. 

There’s lots of really graphic stuff online at the moment and even I had to take a break. Someone not being black doesn’t mean they don’t need to care for their mental health or don’t get affected. The virus has been really hard on a lot of us in many ways, it can infect anyone and honestly all the panic and doom and uncertainty starts to really get to you after a while and sometime’s you just have to disconnect. Her mother is very vulnerable and Taylor is a human with feelings. You have to fill up your own cup before you can pour into other people’s. We need to be kinder to each other, you never know what someone is going through or what their circumstances are. It might not always be safe for someone to speak out publicly, it’s often more complicated than we think. We know white supremacist groups have made Taylor a focus before, maybe her recent activity could make her a target and put her in a lot danger. I pray not and that she and everyone she loves is safe. 

We have to remember to try and have empathy for her and not look at her as just Taylor with the huge fan base, but Taylor the human being. We all have our flaws. Her mother is really gravely ill. I know lots of you will be like so? that’s not an excuse. But I think we all need to examine who we’ve allowed ourselves to become because that’s such a gross attitude and we’re not being fair with her. Her mum is her best friend and the most important person who comforts her and is her source of security and stability. She means so much to her, she’s her mum. We too should care about her mum because she’s been such an angel to us as fans and is a pure bright light in this world. Remember soon you’ll get better? That broke my heart. God only knows how Taylor is coping with all of that, the scrutiny of fame, the pandemic and whatever threats she could have received. If you’ve ever had someone you love go through something like this, you know how hard it can be, how helpless you can feel and how your head might not always be in the right space. Every second with them is precious because things genuinely change in an instant and you could suddenly lose them. Imagine your own darkest moment. Maybe given her circumstances that’s the best she can do right now. It’s not our place to judge her. 

Why can’t she get her team to simply post for her? I imagine she’d rather do it and select things herself given the sensitive important nature of this cause (it’s not like merch promo) or else we’d then start to question everything else. She would make headlines for anything she did. It would draw attention to her and could put her family in more danger. Remember how her dad was so afraid for her? Well I don’t think any added stress is what her family needs with her sick mother in the midst of a global pandemic. When does Taylor get a break from everyone and just get a second to look after herself? We can wish but we cannot demand that she come and explain to console us. We are not her responsibility. 

I’ve noticed she’s been different the past few months. She doesn’t look like herself in the pictures she’s posted, she just looks blank and this whole situation has felt very off and I’ve really worried something was wrong. Watching that class 2020 video Idk you might think I’m crazy but it genuinely sounded like she was holding in tears and she looked sad. Like she was somewhere else when she was talking but forcing herself to look happy. Just because she may look like she’s holding it together doesn’t mean she actually is. My heart is broken for her and I pray for her and her loved ones. Go back and watch it yourself. 

We all need to really reflect and deeply think about how our actions can affect others and take a long hard look at the people we have become and ask ourselves if this is who we really want to be, myself included. You can still have your own feelings and opinions on this situation but I really hope this helps you see a new perspective. We have to remember there are multiple injustices and hardships going on all over the world at once. We need to check our pride and our egos and humble ourselves. Be less judgmental and more empathetic. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. 

Taylor if you’re reading this (I know the chances are teensy), I’m genuinely so sorry. I hope you and your loved ones are safe and well. I love you so so much and I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers 💖

[monkey-network]

Good Stuff's Best of 2019

WARNING: Just wanted to say cheers to you for making it through another year. I send you best wishes for next year to be fruitful. Thank you, take care out there, and enjoy. (Best of 2017) (Best of 2018)

Dedicated to Russi Taylor, John Witherspoon, Rip Torn, Tartar Sauce, Caroll Spinney, Peter Matthews, and the many of KyoAni lost in the arson incident. You all did wonderful; rest in peace.

Welp, I figured the last year of this decade would be the most chaotic one by far, then again everything peak after 2012. As for now, I am counting down the best cartoons/animations/comics I’ve seen and loved this year in no particular order other than #1. Same rules apply: No sneak previews of future projects, no repeats, and this time anything goes.

Runner Ups: Superman Smashes the Klan, Marvel’s Aero, Infinity Train, Enter the Florpus, Amphibia, Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart, Helluva Boss, Meta Runner, Lego Movie 2, Forky Asks a Question

Anyways, Badda boom bang whiz, let’s do this shizz...

10. Super Mario Bros GT

Nostalgia can be quite a mystery, especially one that can come out of nowhere. Super Mario Bros Z kicked so much ass as a kid that now, it still frustrates me to this that it got a cease & desist from Nintendo, even the reboot from the same person couldn’t last long. But the gods have offered a slight miracle in the form of this new spiritual successor that has heart and soul put into every pixelated frame. There is much to celebrate with Youtube animation, where many say it’s dying due to the algorithm and all of the site’s corporate bullshit, but it’s stuff like this which helps me understand why we should celebrate. Against all odds, channels like Smasher Block willfully put their works out their for the people and continues to because on top of getting a little dough, it’s what they want to do.

9. DC SUPER HERO GIRLS (2019)

Awwwwww yeah, this is She-Ra and the Princesses of Power done right. Diverse female squad, each given a quality screen time to truly shine (Beecher especially) on their which makes the episodes where they’re all together feel earned and joyous to watch. Certainly reminds me of Friendship is Magic, which is coincidental since they were created by the same woman. I’d like to think this and MLP G4 were the answers to Faust’s cancelled project Milky Way and the Galaxy Girls where multiple personalities collide to one extraordinary superhero team of girls capable great feats that are lifted from their insecurities or drawbacks. And on top of this being a fun series to kick back to all around, it’s a comforting, somewhat aspiring thought to consider.

8. JOKER

I am somebody that rarely goes to the theaters to watch a film; you have to hook my tight just for me to even think of buying a ticket, no less plan to. But honestly, Joker was worth the hype, the ticket, and the fact that it wasn’t the incel uprising that buttfuck normies tried to make it out as. It’s lower on the list because in thought, there definitely could’ve been some tweaks to the dialogue and a couple scenes that I felt didn’t work in the long run. But really, this movie to me worked because of the escalation that leads to a cathartic climax and ending that left me in actual tears. I don’t give a shit if it “doesn’t fit”, having Frank Sinatra sing the film's credits put me in shambles. Joaquin Phoenix was phenomenal as Arthur, and this movie felt authentic in its many details. This is definitely up there with my favorite comic book films of all time. Good thing, too, Spider-Man was taking up most of that shelf.

7. TUCA & BERTIE

This series being what I can’t help but say is a spin-off to Bojack Horseman, a show I respect, was enough to pull me into watching it. But it being like Bojack where it’s tight-roping between a bouncy comedy and a grounded drama was what kept me around for more. It is a damn shame this was cancelled after one season (while 13 Reasons Why gets FOUR seasons like what the fuck), because while this did feel enough like a complete series, I was certainly interested for more because I really enjoyed it all. I have my issue with a couple choices in the show, but I am sure this series would’ve addressed them later down the line. I can see why some women would find this personally endearing, it felt like the personal stories of actual people, and it deserved better. Either way, I enjoyed this series and I recommend it just as much as Bojack.

6. PRIMAL

Genndy Tartakovsky is that kind of cartoon creator where you feel he’ll go beyond if you give him the right amount of space. He’s not a perfectionist like John “Dirty Diddler” Kricfalusi, but with things like Hotel Transylvania and Samurai Jack, he certainly has proven to have the range in animation where you know how he plays. Primal showcasing his noted skill in dialogue-less storytelling and dynamic action scenes, able to convey everything clear with its ruthless yet careful protagonist and his dinosaur friend, all on top of the most luscious backgrounds. This is a series that definitely feels like Genndy’s taken what he’s used from his previous works and putting it together for a brutal yet passionate look at the prehistoric life. He truly brought us an adult series to enjoy and to look forward to more in the coming year.

5. SPINEL

Bet you didn’t expect a character to be on this list, eh? Spinel is the best thing to come out of Steven Universe in general; makes me wish she was in a better movie. The crew certainly did their darndest to make her not only an enjoyable and connectable character through and through, but a very versatile character that the fandom could take in any which way. Call it corny, but Spinel perfectly represents SU as a whole: a lovable goof that can certainly mean business but deep down is deserved of a hug because of what she’s gone through. Wish she had a more satisfying resolution in her respective debut, but really it’s the balance between those three elements mentioned that makes Spinel almost eternally wonderful.

4. MOB PSYCHO 100 II

As someone that doesn’t like reading, I’m a firm believer that the best animations or visual medias elevate the writing to a memorable degree; the visuals hook to the point where you want to think about what you saw and how it was conveyed. Mob Psycho 100, for two seasons now, does this in spades where Studio Bones throw them bones in animating one of the most dynamic animes of the modern era, providing the writing and characters a proper chance to flex its muscles. The characters are especially what makes this and MP100 as a whole work so well, the story being about a boy learning to be more sociable as well as emotionally stronger all while helping others understand maturity and empathy. For more on this, I recommend Hiding in Public’s video(s) on Mob. But with the animation, Bones was able to provide a sense of impact and immersion to the moments that matter, not making it an overstimulating mess, and putting some respect on ONE’s webcomic art style. 

3. KLAUS

Hands down, this is a great Christmas movie. Take away the animation and you have a charming, wanna say ground and authentic, story about the makings of Santa Claus. With memorable and likable characters, a nice escalation in terms of the plot, and moments that are/can be so satisfying, they can bring you to tears. A couple overdone tropes in the road that doesn’t make this the most perfected story, but those sincerely minor compared to everything else that makes this story the best. Now. Add in the animation, and you have a gold, nay a platinum animated story of the year where the visuals definitely enhance the story to a degree where they’re undoubtedly inseparable. The visuals alone is enough to check this movie out and it’s eye-opening when you learn of how it’s all done. Klaus is a film that did it’s job and then some, and I hope this will be well remembered as a classic holiday film for it deserves that status.

2. BEASTARS

I’ll be fair, I’m mostly referring to the manga and not the anime but since the anime premiered this fall, it counts. Because be it the anime or the series overall, Beastars has such well intricate world building all while offering a little something for everyone (violence, romance, slice of life). The story is well paced and even when we aren’t focusing on the main characters momentarily, Itagaki is surprisingly able to make every supporting/side character we come across memorable in their own way; like I said before, the city is much a character in this story. Oh yeah, and the mangaka is the daughter of Keisuke “Grappler Baki” Itagaki, that in itself is a treasuring bit of trivia for this. Everything about Beastars is enticing and Studio Orange certainly helped in giving this series more of a following.

1. GREEN EGGS & HAM

Well, well, well. Guess Netflix is three for three in terms of bringing its best foot forward among its few steps back each year. The best term to describe this series is surprising. Surprising that this is a Dr. Seuss story that got expanded a 13 episode series, that has fleshed out characters, fun hijinks, an easy story, lovely emotional, more quieter moments... on top of being 2D hand drawn animated. I mean, what else is there to say? Green Eggs and Ham is to Dr. Seuss what Seven was for Final Fantasy, what Friendship is Magic was for MLP, what watermelon was before a nice menthol cigarette. This definitely took the top spot because to me, it was able to bring many good elements from the previous entries and knot it all together into a well kept bow that I never knew I wanted until now. I’m genuinely glad this show got to exist the way it is and I am hoping, praying, that the second season keeps that momentum up.

That leads us to the actual number one which is

1. STEVEN UNIVERSE FUT-

Total Dramarama is now the two time World Heavyweight Champion, babey. Will 2020 give us a quality contender? Will the streak last another year?

Stay tuned, and always seek out the Good Stuff.

[mariellewritesalot]

Notes on the Romantic Narrative

As an homage to my favorite film of all-time “Silver Linings Playbook” finally being on Netflix, and a coping mechanism to everything I’ve been feeling as of late: I am writing to you about some musings I’ve been making and breaking for the past few months. About love, or lack thereof, in my life. 

First, to give you an image of how I pay attention to detail in life and movies, I will start with a few reasons why I love this gem despite the huge changes they made on screen vis-à-vis the novel: 1) It portrayed mental illnesses in a way that didn’t feel pushy or overly-romanticized: healing is not linear, 2) Pat’s character development throughout the film was the epitome of his motto (and mine), “Excelsior”, 3) I love how the story sort of revolved around the Eagles and football to anchor the heaviness of the entire plot line, 4) The casting!!! I mean, wow, and 5) It makes you believe in silver linings, even in the safest sense of the idea, not too grand and definitely not perfect. Safe. Who could forget that scene where Pat runs after Tiffany with his letter? The relief we all felt knowing that her hard work and feelings were not for naught? If you haven’t seen it, I hope you have the time to. It’s a moving film, honestly.

Anyway, I digress. I am going to go personal in this bit and I might not like it, too. I am stating the obvious when I say that I am a hopeless romantic and that I tend to look at life in rose-colored glasses. Some probable reasons are because my parents have the kind of love story that really makes you believe in fate and second chances, plus the fact that I grew up with romantic films, songs, and books. I was sold to the fairy tale idea of happily ever afters despite the proof that it doesn’t apply to everyone in real life. I wanted my own story to tell. After all, I am a writer. I live for the things worth telling.

Nowadays, I also spend a lot of my time online where my timeline is bombarded with couples or romantic gestures, as if the algorithm is working against the realist in me. I can’t say I hate it, because one thing I get from this mindset is the tendency to highlight the good things, both in people or situations. The “too kind for my own good” complex. The only downside is that I may get disappointed more times than I should. It’s a tricky predicament if you think about it in my context: I grew up with mostly men in the house, in my own bubble, going through life thinking that somebody is going to sweep me off my feet, backed up by High School Musical films and the media pushing love teams down our throats...but then it hits me in real life as I grow older: movie moments do happen in real life, but they aren’t as common as they make it out to be, they’re the exception to the rule. They are as rare as they come. 

Some of us aren’t as lucky.

In reality, when the hurt runs too deep, it feels almost impossible to rise above it. The hopeless romantic dies out and is replaced by a semi-angry realist, tired of how the world consistently proves that it moves in circles. They become someone who occasionally relapses into that romanticized haze every once in a while because it gets lonely. When you’ve fallen in love a few times in life, it’s hard not to expect yourself to fall into a trap, any moment now. The withdrawals grow stronger just when you’re starting to get the hang of things. It’s an exhausting ordeal, if you ask me, turning numb but knowing that you can’t shake off the romantic within when it resurfaces in the most inappropriate of moments.

I used to think that I’d be one of the lucky ones who meet the love of their life early on; someone who’s capable of being in a long-term relationship in college or maybe even after...and I still think I am, but maybe I haven’t met him yet. Maybe I have, but the timing is off or we just don’t know it until a little further down the road. Now I’ve been single for too long, and there is nothing wrong with it, just the fact that the trauma I went through has really soiled my chances of healing fast; more from the events than the actual person who did the hurting. Being here though, I am able to see how I am in a generation where #hugot culture is the norm, relationships are only as good as they are on social media, and 80% of young people are desperate to find love or at least a semblance of it. It’s nauseating, accidentally giving into the “sana all” culture and thinking I am incomplete if I don’t have someone who’s technically obligated to care for me, vice versa. I am not a fan of it, but it’s not exactly easy to exclude myself from a narrative I have been in for years. I wish it didn’t feel so off.

Because...hey, there are pros to being single. For starters: I am young. I don’t have to worry about it yet at least for the next ten years or so. I am not supposed to have the same timeline as other people. I can go to bed without worrying about somebody else. I don’t have to ask for anyone’s approval. I have more time for the things I love doing. I am not being emotionally abused or taken for granted or cheated on, which were common themes in my past relationships. It’s a treat, until I am once again hooked by the media I consume and made to think that there’s more to life than being alone.

Maybe it’s the fact that I spent half of this year trying to get over the one I thought was the love of my life, or how I’m spending the other half denying to myself that I may be having feelings for a person and consciously running away from them through various coping mechanisms I never thought I’d use. Love is a gray area right now because I don’t see myself being in a relationship anytime soon, but if I ever do, I’d want something serious. I love meeting new people right now, but at the same time, my comfort zone feels good. I find that it helps tone down my anxiety when I am in control. I’m proud of myself for choosing to navigate through life by my own right now, turning down people who want to become a part of it for my sake and theirs. I just have a lot on my plate. Although I do believe that I’ll never be ready. No one ever is, but I want to put my faith in timing. I just have to learn the ropes here first. I hate that everyone around me is rushing because I feel like I’m that person being squeezed into the middle of the crowd in a mosh pit. I am choosing to make sure I am a better person than I was first before I dive into it, head first.

So yeah. Lloyd Dobler is not going to blast In Your Eyes by Pete Gabriel on a boombox outside my bedroom window (though I’d love Closing Time by Semisonic more). Dylan Harper is not going to organize a flash mob to tell me he made a mistake. Patrick Verona is not going to hack into the school speakers and sing to me at the football field. Troy Bolton is not going to show up outside my window to apologize, armed with Margherita pizza and chocolate covered strawberries. Ted is not going to steal a blue french horn for me. Johnny Castle is not going to dance with me in front of everybody to prove our love. Chuck Bass is not going to buy me a ring and carry it around even when we aren’t together anymore, hoping for the chance to get me back. Augustus Waters is not going to show up with orange tulips and a trip to Amsterdam. Pat Soltano is not going to run after me with a love letter he wrote a week ago...and I’m okay with it. I don’t want to buy into the notion that I need saving, or that I can be swayed by gestures that can so easily be just a move to win me over with no follow-through. I don’t want to be put on a pedestal, anyway. Also...sometimes, it’s in the little things. We fall in love with the way people remember something we said to them months ago, the way they show up after a long day, and the way even the tiniest gestures feel so big it fills up everything else.

I feel like one day I’ll be given the love I deserve and I don’t have to yearn for movie scenes like the art geek I am. You see, what makes love stories unique is the fact that it happens when you least expect it. Grand romantic gestures are welcome, but they aren’t really the basis of how deep love could be. I could only hope to be with someone who speaks my love language or at least tries to understand it. Until then...I’ll keep relearning everything until I make sense of what I truly want out of love and its intricate mess of a web.

I’ll love; even without pretense, without hope or agenda, without expecting the universe to give me back everything like it owes me.

[anninhiliation]

Not Good Enough Part 1

A/N me again :) so yea I'm babysitting an elderly lady so why not put out imagines and smut of my men (Sweet Pea and Fangs) (Thirsty bitch for both) In addition, I own nothing except for my words. Gif belongs to the rightful owner.

Masterlist

Part 2

Y/N = Your Name

Warnings: cursing, sad precious baby Fangs, blood, mention of anxiety.

"(Y/N), I am so fucked." Fangs dolefully said.

You and Fangs met because of the merger. Since there were so many new students, Riverdale Highschool literally copied your schedule to make his. Being in all the same classes had made you two to become friends. In fact, you had even developed feelings for him but never said anything because of how positive you were that he only saw you as a friend. Yet, in your defense, he never showed you any signs that he was interested in you.

"Fangs, you are not going down for the murder of Midge! There is no way I will let that happen." You cheerfully said hoping to lift his spirits.

His saddened, and scared expressions killed you inside.

"(Y/N) I don't expect you to understand cause of how privileged you are, but people like me always go down for shit we didn't do." Fangs replied coldly. “And people like you get to do whatever the fuck you want, and Daddy's always there to fix whatever fucked up shit you decided to do.”

"Listen, Fogarty," you snap back hurt that he would ever snap at you. His usual friendly smiles and flirtatious comments had been destroyed lately due to all the stress. "My privileged ass will not allow you to go down for anything. I may not be a serpent, but I fucking know loyalty. I am loyal as hell to the people I care about."

You snapped back at him with full sass inches away from his face. If it weren't for the bars separating the two of you, Fangs might have kissed you from all the sexual tension that was building up. The sassy comeback made Fangs regret snapping at you. Softening his features he leaned against the bars, fingers curling around the bars and almost whispered,

"Sorry (Y/N). It's just stressful cause I got one of those free lawyers and he's shit. Doesn't care how long I rot in jail or why I am even here in the first place. And I can't afford a good lawyer, which leaves me with a moron."

Seeing Fangs regretting snapping at you, you softly smile and reply, "That's why I came to visit you during school! I hired McCoy to represent you! Shes really good and will have you out in no time!"

With that, you waved Fangs good-bye strutting away in your maroon mid-thigh skirt. Fangs was left shocked, as attorney McCoy appeared from the hallway ready to take over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attorney McCoy had worked her magic, making Fangs once again a free man.

"I don't want to die." Fangs spoke scaredly. 

You hear the serpents speaking trying to form a plan to safely get Fangs back home safely. The mob outside had grown dangerously large and the police seemed to not care. For they only saw it as one less gang members permanently off the streets. As you walk up to the core four serpents, Sweet Pea noticed you first and growls

"What are you doing here North Sider? Lost? This is none of your business so turn around and walk away."

Being 5ft and having a 6ft 3inch man growl at you while staring you down did frighten you, however, you could not let that show if you wanted to help Fangs.

"I am here to help Fogarty." You state confidently. Standing up straighter as if you were going to match his height.

"Why should we trust you?" Sweet Pea lashed out.

Sweet Pea looked like if he was given the chance, he would murder you in a split second. Fangs steps in before things get more out of hand. The tension outside was bad enough, but Fangs` friends fighting only made him feel worse. 

"Dude shes the reason why I get to leave and I'm not rotting in prison right now." Fangs says as he pulls Sweet Pea back.

Jughead, being the leader of the younger serpents formulates a plan to leave the building with everyone surrounding Fangs. Before leaving everyone forms a huddle and chants

"In unity, there is strength!"

Being the short girl you are, forces you to protect Fangs' back. The riot that had formed outside was petrifying. No matter how many people Sweet Pea would push away they kept coming. Like a swarm of angry bees. You were really grateful that the Serpents were just a huge family and that more joined in as you walked through the irate crowd. People had been pulling your hair, spitting at you, screaming in your face, yet all you could focus on was protecting the boy you secretly loved. Yet, Fangs never safely made it home. Everything happened in what felt like slow motion. You saw from the corner of your eye Reggie Mantle with a gun. Sending you into a panic, as you think to fast you push yourself in front of Fangs but its no use because he just shoves you to the ground as the sound of a gun goes off.

Fangs fell to the ground next to you with a pool of blood forming around his upper abdomen. Sweet Pea began to yell for someone to call 911. Tears form around your face as you apply pressure against the wound. You were outright petrified, you felt your heart break into millions of pieces.

"Fangs stay with me!" You sob "You are going to be okay."

You sob so hard your makeup runs down cheeks making Fangs weekly smile.

"I'm not dead yet." Fangs choked out as paramedics came and took over. Pushing you out of the way.

In all the stress you push your hair back with Fangs' blood all over your hands. Watching the love of your life being placed in an ambulance. You pull out your car keys ready to follow the paramedics, still crying when suddenly a hand lands on your shoulder. You turn around and its Sweet Pea, with Jughead and Toni behind him.

"I'm driving you're a mess right now." Sweet Pea states prying the keys out of your hands.

Toni gives you a weak smile as she gets into the car sitting next to Jughead in the backseat. The drive is silent minus the sounds of your weak sobs. Until of course, Sweet Pea breaks the silence.

"You know you should just tell Fangs you like him more as a friend." Sweet Pea states bluntly.

You suddenly stop sobbing to choke out, "I don't like him like that! Why would you even think that?"

"Oh, yea?" Sweet Pea answers in amusement. "Than why did you pay for his lawyer? Put yourself in danger by coming here to help escort him out of an angry mob, and freak the fuck out the second he gets hurt but not even notice the grab marks, bruises, and cuts that have formed around your skin? Oh, and you couldn't even drive because of how emotionally wrecked you are."

Shocked you quickly answer "Yea well- uh- well ya know you- hmmm- I- that's what friends do?" You finish with more of a question than a thought.

"Thought so." Sweet Pea says as Toni cuts in before he can add anything else "Sweet Pea leave the poor girl alone. Feelings for Fangs or not, nows not the time."

You turn your head slightly back to mouth "Thank you."

As Toni nods with a soft smile. The car suddenly parks as Sweet Pea gets out. Everyone else follows as you are at the hospital, but you stay back to take a deep breath. You are the last one to enter the hospital emergency waiting room, as Fangs suddenly appears on a gurney.

Seeing Fangs in what looked like a worse condition made your tears pile up all over again. You sit in the waiting room, leg shaking and your anxiety has clearly risen up. You got up from the chair you sat at with your purse to go outside to smoke. The fresh air always helped you calm down. Mixed with the tobacco from the cigarettes was a way you copped with your mental illness. It was a way for you to clear your head.

It doesn't take long for, you feel a presence behind you. 

“If you are here to talk to me about feelings and Fangs I will punch you. I might be small but I can pack a punch.” You threaten already knowing its Sweet Pea. 

“Can I have a cig?” Sweet Pea asks. 

You were taken back a bit, but nod as you open your camel menthols and offered your lighter along with a cigarette. After what felt like an eternity of awkward silence, Sweet Pea speaks up once again.

“Fangs likes you too.”

You looked up staring at Sweet Pea in the eyes trying to see if he was joking or not. But to your surprise, he was not kidding. 

"I'm going to ask you a question and I expect you to cut the bullshit and answer me." You replied. "Fangs is dying. We don't know if he is going to make it through the night. So why the hell do you think its okay to bring up feelings you know nothing about. Even if I did have feelings for Fangs it's not like I can do anything with them. So whats your game? Butter me up with shit like "Fangs likes you." An-" you didn't get to finish as Sweet Pea cut in,

"Fuck you." While throwing his cigarette butt by your feet and storming away with your car.

You threw your cigarette butt by his, and gingerly walked back into the hospital. You sat back down in your seat. By the time you made it back, FP had sent everyone home. However, luckily for you, FP didn't know you, so you got to stay After all the serpents had left, you deemed it safe to fall asleep, without anyone messing with you. It was around 9am when Toni woke you up with a cup of coffee. 

[frisbee-camp]

Let Me Help

AO3 Link//Wattpad Link

Tj and Cyrus have been friends for a long time, but will that change after life comes crashing down and impulsive decisions catch up to them? (Angst, Ambi, love notes, slow burn, aged up so they're all in high school, god tier ships, mental health, and like a whole bunch more ladies! Let’s get this angst.)

Chapter 7 I’m really in this now

TJ didn't know what to think. He had gone to Iris' party only because he had invited Cyrus, and even then, seeing him drunk was an...experience. He had walked in with Amber, who immediately went to Andi, who was awkwardly sitting next to Marty and Buffy. TJ panicked when he saw Cyrus, he had texted him saying he'd be there, but other than that TJ didn't know what to do with his new truth. He had a crush on Cyrus Goodman. Amber had told him to confess, but he couldn't just do that. So instead, he ignored him. But, he couldn't help but feel Cyrus' eyes on him. God, he probably thinks I'm a jerk again. He had thought. TJ had spent the entire day with knots in his stomach, confessing to Cyrus meant his crush was real and didn't know if he wanted to change what they had. He wasn't very good at change. TJ went to his old friend group at the party because it was comfortable, at least with them nothing was new. "Yo," said Lester. "Hey," Tj had greeted them as he quickly eyed Cyrus. Is he drinking? His old friend group consisted of Reed, Lester, Tom, Angel, and Matthew. He hadn't spoken to them organically in a while, but he didn't expect them to change much. All they did was smoke weed and talk about girls, one of which TJ never explored much of. The guys liked to call themselves the "Gucci gang" (emphasis on the Gucci) for reasons TJ had already forgotten after the third hit. "Bro, this shit hits harrrrd" Tom had told Reed, "Is my face still here??" The gang busted out laughing, but TJ couldn't help but catch a glimpse of Cyrus looking at him again. Cyrus had been sitting on the floor, his head in Andi's lap as they gently raked his hair back with their fingers. God I wish that were me. "YOO TT! You good man? This shit bops right?" Lester had snapped his fingers in front of TJ's face. "Huh? Oh, yea. It hits I guess." TJ said, itching behind his ear. "Hey man, what's up? Are you not having fun?" Lester lowered his voice and leaned closer, he was the most emotionally intelligent out of all of them. "Dude," Lester said, "Do you wanna talk? I know you're not high, this weed is wack" Lester chuckled. TJ looked over at Cyrus again, who he saw looking longingly at Jonah, who was laughing with Walker. Lester followed his gaze, "Oh," Lester said, "got it. You know we all know right? Like we been knew since middle school." TJ blinked in surprise, "And you guys are like, okay with that?" "Dude, come on. We're your bros and it's the 21st century," Lester said. TJ chuckled slightly and grinned, "Shit, I didn't even know till this week." TJ had looked over again, this time Cyrus caught his eye, raised his cup to his lips, and chugged its contents. "Bro, you don't think he's straight right?" Lester said with raised eyebrows as he hit it again. "He dated Iris." TJ said as Lester passed it to him. He passed it to Angel, he had had enough. "Don't be so dense T, sexuality is fluid." "Lester you're like a straight up guru right now. When'd you get so wise huh?" Tj said as he nudged him with his shoulder. Lester shrugged. By midnight, the music had become so defining that TJ thought it would bring the house down. He couldn't see Cyrus anymore which made him anxiously fidget with the hem of his hoodie. What if something happened to him? Because of the drunk dancing teenagers, the gang had moved from their corner to the kitchen. TJ and Lester sat on the counter as Reed, Angel, and Tom had decided to get as drunk as humanly possible. TJ had poured sprite into a red cup to make it seem like he was drinking. He hated the feeling of being out of control. He had been staring at the contents at hand when Lester nudged his shoulder and said, "Hey, look who's here" TJ's heart raced as the butterflies returned. Cyrus walked - well stumbled- in, but he was okay. Cyrus poured himself another drink and walked straight up to TJ ignoring the noises of encouragement from the gang. "You!" Cyrus said, pointing. TJ couldn't help but notice everyone's eyes on him. Reed eyed them suspiciously. "Me?" TJ said jokingly. Cyrus waved his arms around, and said, "UH DOY, you sir, are IGNORING me and that hurts my feelings. I THOUGH we were friends" TJ smiled a bit and hummed. Seeing Cyrus with his guard down was a rare occurrence, especially with his hair looking perfectly imperfect and his cheeks too red from the alcohol. He looked like an angry toddler. "Hey!" Cyrus slapped his shoulder. It didn't hurt. "Stop ignoring me," he said, as he slowly stumbled out of the kitchen. Everyone immediately turned to TJ, who was lovingly following Cyrus with his eyes. The place where Cyrus had hit him tingled. Reed busted out laughing "Uh," he said, "Did anyone else see that?" The rest of the gang had joined Reed in laughing, Reed began to mock Cyrus. "Stop ignoring me TJ! I love you so much muah muah muah" Reed and Tom laughed to each other. TJ's felt a lump in his throat, he balled his fists and slammed down his drink. "Why do you guys have to be such douches all the time!" TJ yelled. They had gone back to mocking TJ and Cyrus now, Reed had started to say "Oh Cyrus! You're so cool I just want to look at you all day, and talk about you all day!" TJ hopped off the counter and paced out of the kitchen. God why do I even hang out with them? He heard Lester call out saying, "Oh come on TJ, we're just teasing!" TJ felt heat overtake him, he had never felt so angry. His friends had teased him before, but they never mocked Cyrus. He found himself in Iris' backyard after having shoved his way past the hormone ridden mob. He sat on her porch steps and rested his head on his knees. He felt tears stick to his cheeks but didn't bother wiping them away. After a while, people started coming outside to see the stars, mostly couples holding hands. TJ groaned and aggressively rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands. He thought someone would come out to see if he was okay, but no one did. After cooling down, TJ went back inside to see if Amber wanted to go back home. He just wanted to take a shower and go to bed. The inside of the house had gotten way messier than he expected, the music had died down and now people were sprawled out on any surface their body allowed them. He searched the rooms for Amber, only to find her curled up on the living room couch with Andi. The living room's lights had been dimmed, so he couldn't see many faces. People were playing spin the bottle, although everyone was too drunk to properly spin it, so it was more like "move the bottle, kiss who you want." He heard whoops and felt a stab of jealousy, Was Cyrus playing? Before going over to Amber, TJ saw Cyrus sprawled on the floor and Reed? Before he knew any better, Tj had pulled Reed away from Cyrus and made sure he was okay. "Dude! What's your problem today!" Reed slurred. "I'm trying to help him. I know how much you care about him." "Stay out of it Reed! Go be an asshole somewhere else!" TJ blurted out. "GOD, what is with you. Do you like him or something?" Reed said. Everyone's eyes had turned towards them. TJ felt hot and angry. His fingernails dug into his palm. He fell silent. "So we were right, you do like him! And now you're choosing him over us?! We've been friends longer than you have with that loser-" TJ heard a crack, he felt his fist hit bone. He opened his eyes and saw Reed on the floor. The next moments consisted of the gang holding back Reed while strings of curse words reigned. "Fuck you TJ," Reed finally said, "don't bother crawling back to us when you get your HEAD out of your ASS," he yelled as the gang dragged him away. Lester gave TJ an apologetic look. TJ kneeled in front of Cyrus, he didn't care about the stares, he just wanted to make sure he was safe. He had tried getting Cyrus to his feet, only for him to tell him things that made TJ's heart flutter and get thrown up on. "Hey," Tj heard a voice say softly behind him, "Hey, let's get out of here." Amber helped TJ drag Cyrus to his feet. People were staring. The music had been turned off. "What!" TJ said to the staring teenagers. Everyone flinched. The car ride home consisted of drunk Andi and Cyrus crying and hugging each other. They keep repeating, "I love you so much friend I love you so much" and "Buffy! Come hug!" "Buffy's with Walker, you'll see her soon" Amber had to repeat fifteen times. Amber didn't speak to TJ the entire ride home. When they pulled into their driveway, they saw their dad sitting in his car. Tj groaned and rolled his eyes. "What is he doing here," Amber said, " And why is he just sitting there like a creep?" TJ sighed and said, "Mom changed the locks." They looked at each other. They'd deal with their father another day. Amber and TJ learned that dragging Andi and Cyrus out of the Bug was a lot harder than getting them in. There was crying and more vomit until finally, Amber offered them cookies if they went inside. Their mom wasn't home that day. On Saturdays, she'd get wine drunk with her friends. She always told them she'd come back, but they knew she wouldn't be back until Monday morning. She wasn't a bad mother, just selectively neglectful. The twins had spent twenty minutes coaxing Andi and Cyrus into their home. Amber had taken Andi into her room, and Tj had been left with a semi-conscious Cyrus with no motor skills. He had left Cyrus on his bed to shower and change into pajamas, only to find him on his floor when he came back. TJ rushed over to him, "Cyrus! Cyrus are you okay?" He rolled him over. "I am now," Cyrus said, "You're very pretty" Tj blushed, he suddenly liked drunk candid Cyrus. "Here," he said, "put this on" TJ had grabbed a random hoodie from his drawers and handed it to Cyrus. "OH mhm okay" Cyrus slurred and painstakingly took off his dirty party clothes, TJ turned around. When he turned back around, he saw that Cyrus had crawled into his bed. He was so small that TJ only saw his forehead poking out from under the covers. He grinned and immediately frowned. I'm really in this now.

[sunflowerchester]

please tell me what you thought!! I'm not worried about spoilers, i already know what happened, i'm gonna see it in a few days and i'm so psyched! tell me all your thoughts please!!!

I am so charged up about this movie I don’t even know where to fucking start!!! I guess I’ll start with my initial Twitter rant bc GODDDAAAAMMMMNNNN!

Here’s some non-spoilery things about the movie for those who don’t want to be spoiled:

Mother! is a horror movie for every woman whose pain was ever used & romanticized to further a man’s personal growth.

Mother! is a horror movie for women who have invested and fallen in love with a selfish man.

Mother! is a horror movie for women who feel the constant suffocating entitlement of the patriarchy.

Mother! is a horror movie for women who feel they’ve been constantly taken advantage of and are demonized for daring to speak up about it.

Mother! is a horror movie version of The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. (And I said this BEFORE I saw this tweet by the director 😍)

Mother! is a horror movie for any woman who was only valued as a cure for a man’s pain instead of valued as a full, human person.

Mother! is a horror movie for women who were treated like IRL manic pixie dream girls and then tossed aside like garbage. 

Also I found it able to tap into horrors of being a woman that were subtle and specific in a slightly Get Out kind of way, imho. I felt very understood in many ways even as I was being horrified by what I was seeing. 

Below are some spoilery things:

The movie opens with a woman burning, a tear falling down her face, and then her turning to ash. Javier Bardem sets a gem stone on a stand and then a beautiful home surrounded by nature appears out of the ashes. I knew as soon as Javier Bardem’s character sat that gem on the mantel and the scene turned to Jennifer Lawrence appearing out of the ashes in bed that that is where the movie would end, and it would end with another girl in her place. 

AND IT DID. For a bit there at the end, I was wondering where it was headed because of the chaos, and I nearly forgot about the gem itself, but then we ended right where I expected. What I didn’t forsee was what the gem was made of: it was the last thing that Bardem’s character could squeeze out of his previous lover before she turned to ash, something beautiful that he could put on display before he started it all over again with someone new. 

GOD-FUCKING-DAMN

This movie is about a woman who gives all of herself (physically, literally, spiritually, emotionally, horrifically) to a man because she loves him, because it is expected, because she thinks he will view it as love, and it is never enough. He never stops taking from her, not even when there are literal mobs in their home tearing the physical house apart, stealing their belongings. At one point an actual war spills into their house and she barely escapes with the life of herself and the child she is about to give birth to. When she begs her husband to send these people away, he refuses because they stroke his ego. 

I don’t think the chaos of the previous 10 minutes of the film before she asks this question nor her struggle through them were literal but rather a representation of how it feels to be in her position, where she’s tried everything to be enough for this man for as long as she has been with him, rebuilt his house by hand, made it a home, served all his guests and fans without complaint, and even carried his child. She finally started believing with her pregnancy that she was going to win him over and be with just him, that this would be the key to finally meeting that standard of enough, but that was never who he was ever going to be for her, even as a father. And when she realizes, at 8 months pregnant, that his true love is still himself, his writing, and his fans, despite his child growing in her womb, she felt her world slip. The insanity of the the wars, the executions, the mobs in the house weren’t real but that’s how it felt. Her world was crumbling and she’d never regain any control again. 

In the end he even invites his fans to hold their baby and the baby ends up dying. It’s horrific and disgusting, and what does he say to her? He tells her that it can be something beautiful and encourages her to forgive, that there is nothing more beautiful than forgiveness, so they must. As if she doesn’t have rights to feeling ugliness in the face of losing her child. I felt suffocated myself by this immediately invalidation of even the most understandable and vulnerable of feelings. 

There are other moments like this throughout the movie where Jennifer Lawrence’s character is trying to speak up and voice her needs but it’s like shouting into a pillow as she asks politely and reasonably. No one listens or seems to care, especially not her husband. He seems to only placate her lovingly when he can tell she needs to feel he’s heard her, but he never really does or cares to try to actually listen to her. This last time, when she is weeping about her son being murdered by the people he allowed into their house, is the last straw and she calls the people around her what they are: MURDERERS. And because she finally yells and screams at them, they beat the everloving shit out of her and call her names like whore and bitch and cunt, etc etc. 

So she makes her way down to the furnace and burns the fucker down. GIRL YES BURN THAT BITCH TO THE GROUND.

And yet after the explosion that incinerates it all, guess who is intact and who is charred to the bone. Javier Barden, completely complete, carries Jennifer Lawrence, a burned, scaley version of herself, through the rubble of the house. She can’t understand how he is able to do this when she and everything she built is destroyed. 

She asks, “What are you?” He replies, “I am life.” She asks, ”What am I?” He replies, “You are home.”

You don’t have to be sexualized to still be objectified and if this isn’t exactly the damaging dynamic in so many male/female relationships, I don’t know what is. He is what life is and she is where he gets to live. Does she have her own life, her own plans, her own goals, her own space? It doesn’t matter, she exists to house him. 

She asks, “Where are you taking me?”He replies, “To the beginning.”

He lays her on the charred bed and tells her there is one more thing he needs from her. She says she has nothing left to give. He says that isn’t true, he wants her love. She relents. “Take it.” He digs physically into her abdomen and pulls something bloody and charred out. Jennifer Lawrence’s character turns to ash and the mess in Javier Bardem’s character’s hands turns into a gem. He marvels at how beautiful a thing it is, the only thing left of his lover. He doesn’t grieve that she is nothing but a pile of ash now, he sets the gem up where the old one once sat and the opening scene repeats with a new girl waking in their bed, signifying that this is what this man does to women and what he will continue to do. He doesn’t learn his lesson or change because he doesn’t value the women he is with enough to see their pain as destruction. Instead, he only sees it for how it can benefit him.

She is ash. He is whole. A parasite going from woman to woman. 

To me, one of the scariest elements of this movie is that Javier Bardem’s character himself isn’t really that scary, he’s not a horror. He’s even sweet sometimes, albeit neglectful af. What’s smart and unfortunately really relatbale about this is it makes him seem like (if not a good guy at least) an okay guy. He’s not evil. She doesn’t befall this horrible fate because he is malicious. It’s a Nice Guy who just wants to Create something Beautiful. But in the process he fucking destroys and sucks the entire life out of the woman he is supposed to love with no remorse at all. There are so many fucking men out there who do this very thing to every woman they are with, emotionally and mentally. Sometimes physically, too, but that’s easier to pinpoint. The horror of Javier Bardem in Mother! is that he could be and really kind of is many of the men we will come in contact with. 

(Bro I know I’ve fallen in love with and had this done to me by one ALREADY)

My thoughts on how this movie has been received:

What blows my MIND is that large groups of people DO NOT GET this movie and I think it’s because it is largely and almost exclusively a fundamental female experience. There are whole hot takes and think pieces trying to figure out HMMM WHAT IS THIS MOVIE ABOUT???? when like…to me, it was obvious and direct in my opinion. I’m not trying to be a bitch about it, like I’m smarter than everyone. I understand that I get it because it’s for me, it’s about a female perspective, but to say it’s about nothing is ASININE. Which many of them are saying. 

If you don’t like the way this movie told its story, that’s fine and fair. We all have different tastes. But if you don’t get the message and therefore want to criticize what it’s trying to say because you think it was pointless, maybe THINK AGAIN. It didn’t fail because you PERSONALLY don’t get it. It maybe just means that there are other experiences in this world and you’re lucky enough to have never had to understand what this movie is saying, the feelings it evokes in many viewers, or the horrors it represents for them. And most likely never will.  If the movie is just not for you I GET THAT bc damn it was rough, IT WAS HARD, it was awful. But it wasn’t about nothing. If you didn’t see the point, be thankful.

There were some think pieces analyzing it and coming to the conclusion that it was about global warming and the Catholic church, which there was definitely some imagery for but that for SURE was not the POINT. If you thought Mother! was just about taking on the Catholic Church while identifying the other ‘weird’ stuff in it as just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ you MAY be ignoring the literal title character of the movie & her entire emotional journey throughout the whole thing. 

Which, SHOCKER, is like… the point of the entire movie. 

Good job I GUESS. But you still missed point by proving it. 

I mean, I get it, make it about whatever resonates with you, but it is undeniably about a fundamentally female experience. No wonder it’s being overlooked. "Gee what could this movie entitled ‘Mother!’ be about? Should we look at the mother character in the movie?? OR HOW ABOUT we just dive into the symbolism surrounding the woman instead while ignoring her completely.“ 👍🏻

To me it seemed any side-symbolism in that movie was to promote the dynamic of her giving all she was & him feeding off of it. Including any messianic imagery. As a smart, smart friend of mine said, “Men will of course deify themselves all the time.” That’s EXACTLY what the religious imagery was about, about Javier Bardem’s character living out his desire to be a god to his fans for his own ego, so deep that he let them devour his own child. It was about the church but it was only in service TO EMPHASIZE HOW HE CONSUMES HER AND WHAT SHE HAS GIVEN. Like… LORD help me. (No pun intended.)

I cannot believe a horror film about a female experience is so baffling for people to understand when we’re half the people out there. “WHAT IS IT ABOUT?????” It’s about what she’s showing you it’s about. PAY ATTENTION!! 

But how poetic (ew gross) that many people who don’t get it write it off. It’s the same reason so often women are not believed and their experiences are questioned. No wonder women feel LIKE NO ONE LISTENS.

It’s like there are people looking directly at this movie screen and seeing a blank black box for 75% of it. And here I am screaming into a pillow.

This is not to say that Mother! doesn’t take on many things, it does. There is a lot to unpack and it would be unfair of me to say there is only one way to read it. Of course there isn’t, and many parts are going to resonate with different people for different reasons. With that being said, though, to anyone trying to make the point of this movie about anything other than the experience of the female lead character, remember the gemstone and the burning woman at the beginning of the film, and then at the end. It is bookended this way for a reason. This is about the pattern of a man and how it affects the women he chooses to be with. This is about a woman who loves a selfish man who unapologetically lives selfishly and what it does to her to be in his life. 

It’s metaphors, it’s symbolism, obviously it’s hyperbolic, but it’s still REAL👏🏻AS👏🏻FUCK👏🏻.

[aion-rsa]

I Care a Lot Ending Explained

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This article contains I Care a Lot spoilers.

It’s an emotionally fraught conclusion. Before our very eyes, I Care a Lot’s protagonist—its ostensible hero—is bleeding out inside an asphalt parking lot. But then, was she or anyone else ever a hero in this story? Just seconds before she was gunned down, Rosamund Pike’s Marla Grayson is seen, smilingly lying about how great her new predatory company is, and how she’s figured out a way to turn elder abuse into a sanitized illusion of “eldercare.”

She is a monster with a sunshine smile.

By contrast, the man who waits outside an unnamed cable network with a gun is clearly a hard to like individual. With his long unkempt beard and red baseball cap—technically for a sports team instead of a political cause—Mr. Feldstrom (Macon Blair) resembles a collection of unsavory stereotypes and clichés. Earlier in the movie, Marla called him a sexist, and he reconfirms it again here by addressing Marla as simply “you fucking bitch.” With strong undercurrents of misogyny, Feldstrom is slaughtering a successful woman… yet honestly it is hard to imagine anyone having much sympathy for her.

If you don’t recall the full details, we actually met Feldstrom before Marla at the beginning of the movie. While we hear Ms. Grayson’s ruthless “greed is good” rhetoric in voiceover during the film’s opening moments, the images we’re primarily seeing are of Blair’s Feldstrom attempting to forcefully enter a nursing home and being restrained by security.

We learn in the subsequent court hearing that he is a son who’s even been denied access to visit  his own mother, much less having a say in how her court appointed professional guardian, Pike’s pitiless Marla, spends his mother’s money while selling off her possessions.

“Mr. Feldstrom, I sympathize,” Marla says with dripping condescension. “A doctor diagnosed your mother with dementia and wrote a note recommending immediate action to be taken for her safety.” She goes on to add that Feldstrom had ample opportunity to move his mother into a care facility or his own home. He did neither. Now Marla must keep him away because “your visits upset her.”

It’s bleak reptilian logic she uses, and chillingly it convinces the judge. Feldstrom is once again denied access to see his mother, much less help her, while Marla keeps squeezing mom’s assets for income. As she said in the initial voice over, “I’ve been poor. It doesn’t agree with me.” So she’ll let poor bastards like Feldstrom live in a nightmare.

This doesn’t negate the awfulness of Feldstrom, who in the film’s opening salvo also repellently says, “I hope you get raped and I hope you get murdered… you fucking fucker.” But both I Care a Lot’s greatest strengths and weaknesses lie in how unpleasantly thorny every character is.

Technically, Marla is right to pick up that Feldstrom doubly hates her for being a woman, but she is no heroine in her own story. Rather she’s as despicable an anti-hero as you’re likely to find in a crime drama or movie about the debaucheries of high-finance crooks. She’s as greedy as Gordon Gekko or Jordan Belfort, and as shamelessly ambitious as Tony Montana.

She is the personification of the bottomless appetite of American capitalism, and she is so unflinching in her avarice that she can win over other sharks who recognize a fellow predator.

Take for instance Peter Dinklage’s Russian mob boss, Roman Lunyov, who has every reason to hate Marla Grayson. Like Feldstrom, Roman is a son whose mother is being kept against her will; a victim preyed on by a vulture who is keeping her isolated and even overmedicated as a form of torture. When Roman encounters this, his first instinct like Feldstrom is to handle her cleanly through the courts, albeit first via bribes from his high-priced lawyer. When that fails, however, Roman is quick to switch to a plan that will put Marla six feet under.

Yet when push comes to shove—and Marla is pushing to lock Roman away in an institution for the rest of his life—the mobster recognizes the financial brilliance in Marla’s scheme of turning the elderly into cash cows. Believe it or not, it’s something that happens in the real world with predatory professional guardians, and it’s something an amoral mob boss can find ways to monetize and wet his beak in.

I imagine some viewers were torn between who they were rooting for: Roman or Marla. Both are Great Whites gliding beneath a glassy surface, and both have reason to disdain the other. Yet the real appeal of the I Care a Lot ending is how it comments on the worship of money and success. Both Marla and Roman have climbed high in their chosen rackets, and cannot help but admire the other’s tenacity. Together they’ll climb higher still, leaving many other elderly folks harmed and hurting—and without a son like Roman who can leverage his power to bail them out, even if at a proverbial gunpoint.

But Marla and Feldstrom? They’re not equals or even on the same playing field. Marla surmises at the beginning of the movie that you’re either lion or lamb, predator or prey. She fed on Feldstrom and his mother until there were only scraps of bone left. And I Care a Lot’s real final conflict is about how long that power dynamic can last until the whole system collapses. It did for Marla.

Before her death, Marla’s being celebrated on cable TV for joining the one percent. When asked if she’s finally happy—if her thirst for wealth has been sated—she answers, “Peter, I’m just getting started.” Even though she can do anything she wants now, as she also tells girlfriend Fran (Eiza González) in her actual final words, the only thing she wants is more. And the fallout of such unfettered hunger is epitomized by the relatively unsavory man she stepped on at the beginning of the film. The guy everyone forgot about, including probably you. But unpleasant though he may be, his pain is real, and as he reveals while shooting Marla, his mother died alone in that nursing home/prison, without being able to see her son one final time.

“She fucking died in there alone,” the gunman whines.

It’s a horrible fate for an unseen victim, one of many, who’s suffering paid for Marla’s televised victory lap. And as she bleeds out, we’re asked to more than judge her. Before the movie even started, Marla was a lost cause of a human being. But what she represents as an idea is more sinister, and enduring. If left unchecked, that greed which made her a “lioness” will lead to only greater bloodletting between lions and lambs.

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[mariajustinteriordesigns]

Corona, Corona, Corona!

Coronavirus. I’ve intentionally not addressed it here or on Instagram because, well, everyone is talking about it. It’s all we read, see, discuss, and often, try to avoid. It’s on our minds constantly. But today I want to talk about it because lots of you have asked how I’m doing over here in Germany and well, I want to pull my head out of the sand and say something.

It’s strange. It’s quiet and empty on the streets most of the day. Here in Germany it’s not such a big deal as it is in Italy, China, America… But it’s still felt, you still worry. We just had nearly 4 weeks of lockdown, which was was rough. Things have lifted a bit, but still, we can’t go to or host parties, no concerts or fests can take place, large stores and malls are closed, gyms and schools are closed, no classes or workshops, all of the design fairs for most of the year are canceled, it’s a mess.

Everyone you pass in the grocery store looks at you with suspicious eyes, you return the same uncertain gaze - “Are they infected, will they sneeze on me, will I be next?”. I feel like I live in a very strange Sci-Fi film only I’m REALLY living in this strange time and I don’t know when life will be back to normal. Those good old days when you wake up and decide to see friends, colleagues, grab a coffee in your favorite cafe, ride the subway, sit in conference rooms with others, play with your kid in the playground, hug your grandma. My son hasn’t hugged or hung out with his grandmother in a month. He also hasn’t seen or played with any of his friends from kindergarten. That’s rough when you’re six. It’s also rough when you’re not six. I’m a highly sensitive extrovert who loves to hug and touch everything and everyone, so I’m struggling…

In a strange (perverse) way, Corona was sorta exciting at the beginning.

It was, let’s face it, bullshit aside. Kinda like when a hurricane is expected and you’re following the story on the news. You have this strange feeling of excitement coupled with intense fear. It’s sick, but it’s human.

I remember growing up in “hurricane alley” on the beach in South Carolina and each Autumn, we waited. We knew hurricanes would come, and we always lived in fear of the “big one”. We had some major ones when I grew up, followed by intense cyclones that would rip apart our neighborhoods. I remember one day a hurricane came and flooded our neighborhood. I waded in water to my thighs to go visit the neighbor’s kids. Alligators swam in the streets along with fish and water snakes, some highly toxic. I also remember the tornadoes. All of them.

I’ll never forget laying in an empty bathtub when the “sound of a freight train” could be heard. You knew the tornado was there, it was coming, and as you heard the destruction around you, you could only hide inside of something very heavy that would most likely keep you also held in place so that you wouldn’t blow away. Once when I was around 12, one hit our neighborhood and after it left, I walked outside to find sunshine and total stillness. Yet, around me, I could see destruction. Cars tipped over or thrown down the street, houses flattened, neighbors crying, ambulance sirens filling the air. That day we were lucky, 75% of our neighborhood was flattened.

People died. Our home was untouched.

I have to admit, even though I grew up around natural disasters and know the power of nature, I still had a strange sense of excitement when I knew a storm was coming. All the kids in my school did, so I wasn’t the only isolated weirdo who felt that way. It’s strange, how humans are, isn’t it? But you know what, the moment you HEAR or SEE the storm, it’s totally different.

That’s kinda like Corona. When it wasn’t in my neighborhood, it was a little bit exciting to hear about this virus, before reports of people dying started to surface. Then the news went very, very sour after the first death toll numbers from China started showing up. I felt scared and sad, but even then, I felt separated emotionally. I still had my life OVER HERE. It wasn’t going to come to ME.

Did you feel the same?

Then it came to Italy. It affected my friends there. And the businesses that I love. I definitely felt sick to my stomach. Salone, our big European design fair, canceled for April. Corona felt REALLY real then. Yet, Germany still didn’t have any lockdowns in place, so I naively thought, “That’s Italy, maybe it will stay there and end there.” Nope. Then Salone canceled again, for Fall 2020. Suddenly a strong truth rose to the surface.

We were/are screwed.

It’s been about a few months since then, and we’ve been on lockdown for 4 weeks, which will extend into the first week of May, and they will reevaluate things. I look forward (so much) to the weekly grocery store run that we do as a family. It’s the only real social life/excitement that I have these days. We visit the city forest about 3 times a week (it’s behind my house) for exercise. But it’s always so mobbed with the rest of the residents in my city that it doesn’t feel completely safe. We started driving out to the countryside to deserted areas to bike and walk, and breathe. Yesterday we went to the lake, it was wonderful. We all pray this ends soon but inside, we know it won’t.

Some of my dear, close friends have corona, even a family member. I just recovered from a four-month-long bacterial infection in my lungs (that ended mid-February right when corona hit Germany). I feel vulnerable because my lungs are still weak, so I have taken extra precautions to not go outside except when I really must.

Corona is a serial killer.

It’s stalking people around the world, in my country, in my state, IN MY CITY, I hate this thing and want it to end. I hate hearing about it. I’m tired of the conspiracy theories and lies and fake news too. I’m just tired of all of it. I am tired of feeling like I’m on house arrest. I hate watching my son feel lonely.

Yet, with all of this Corona craziness around me, I feel strongly and intensely focused on my goals, my life, my family, my work. I have ZERO distraction, I have found a beautiful new side of myself that has been hiding for years. The Holly that was once so fearless, so full of adventure, the Holly that just jumped in and did things without planning and strategizing - and still got it right. I’ve changed a lot for the past two years, working back in the corporate world again with my magazine. I’ve enjoyed it, but being back in corporate 10 days a month reminds me of the things about corporate life that I was happy to leave in my past when I left in 2005 to become a freelancer. I love the balance of both worlds, but if I had to pick one, I am happiest when I am left on my own to do my thing as a freelancer. My team seems to know this and they let me do my thing because micromanaging me would kill the entire project, and I think they know that by now. HOLLY magazine is beautiful and inspiring but it’s been a hard adjustment for me, and there are some days when the only thing that motivates me to stay on the project is the end result - the inspiring magazine that we create together that definitely makes us all proud to be a part of. It trumps the sometimes corporate pain, though some days the pain can really feel heavy and hard to take and most of all, frustrating. And to be fair, I know my team also feels the same pain, many of them are free birds at heart (like me) and I sense their frustration.

Aside from Corona, my work, my family… What else can I say? I’m staying positive, enjoying all of the sunshine we’ve had for the past month almost non-stop (even if only through the window or on the balcony), and I’m looking ahead to when I can see my friends again and have an excuse to dress up.

I’m extremely keen to get back to the salon, my hair looks horrible lately - like hay - and I’d really love to get a regular gym routine down and use the sauna. But for now, I’m really working on enjoying what I have. I’m able to spend 24/7 with my little boy, which has had its share of frustrations for us both, but has been absolutely awesome for the most part because starting in September, he’ll be in first grade and that’s it - no more little boy home with mama anymore. Something that has been a big part of my life - him - will be a schoolboy and becoming more and more independent and that’s something that Corona gave me - a gift in disguise, that instead of being in kindergarten full-time up until primary school begins, he’s home with me and we are really close and our relationship has deepened a great deal. He has been home all of the time, all to himself, and it’s a good thing for him right now because he needs me. Blessings in disguise are all around me if I just look. Sure, I have little cash flow at the moment like I once did, but cash means nothing ultimately - it’s the hugs from your children, the chats with your husband at 2am, it’s the long baths and the face masks while reading books that you haven’t read in years.

“Only boring people are bored.”

— Betty Draper, Epi 6, Season 3, Mad Men

I’ve also baked about 8 cakes in 4 weeks, so I’ve gained about 10 pounds but I’m happy so who really cares. My butt may be bigger, my so is my heart, my intuition, my passion for work and family, my love for my home, my relationship with my blog and Insta followers is bigger and better, and I have a greater appreciation for the little things that I’d not paid attention to at all pre-Corona.

COVID-19 is horrible, what can I say really? But at least each of us has the power to take something good from this strange time, to be positive regardless, and to make our day valuable and meaningful, so just do that, stay healthy and have another slice of cake. Like Betty said in an episode of Madmen that always stuck in my brain, “Only boring people are bored”. Stay creative and curious, often limitation fosters creativity so see if you are able to make something wonderful come from your current limitations…

Thanks For your time, dear readers. Stay safe, positive, and smile.

Love,

Holly

(Photography/Styling: Holly Becker.)

[caterinaprimrose]

The way you write it, it sounds as if you are romanticizing an abusive relationship.

 Oh no, of  course not. That’s awful. Lmao. Abuse is a serious fucking thing, in any manner. Physical, emotional, mental, substance, violence in general is just an entirely scary thing that no one should be subjected to. 

However, this is fiction. 100% disassociation of character and writers. I’ve never written a story like this before, and it’s honestly one of my favorites. Here is why, the dynamic is fabulous. 

I actually got an anon I haven’t answered yet that asks, “Can you give us an ooc analysis of Braxton and Caterina?” So I should tie these two things into one! 

This subject has come up several times, and I feel that my readers here on tumblr have an unfair advantage considering I only post major events in the character’s lives. Anyone that roleplays with us actively sees the cpmplexity that Caterina and Braxton have.

First, to understand the relationship you have to understand the characters.

There is no doubt that the relationship is abusive in mental and physical levels. Mostly mental, however. He’s only actually physically harmed her once and it was because she fucked up in the company, so he would of beaten whoever did that. (Not saying it’s okay, just clarifying he wasn’t beating his woman to beat his woman.) 

Caterina and Braxton are almost the same person in all realness. That’s why Braxton doesn’t trust her, because he wouldn’t trust himself. People don’t see that, however, because she’s always got this public image set up, as does he. 

Braxton and his company do less-than-legal work, much like a mob (no secret OOC). Braxton is ambitious, greedy, manipulative, insincere, detached, intelligent, prideful, and vindictive. Every single one of these traits applies to Caterina, too.

However - publically, Braxton is kind, generous, charming, harmless, rich, and has the city’s best interest in heart. 

Publically, Caterina is bubbly, stupid, exceedingly vain, spoiled, arrogant, girly, prim/proper, playful, submissive, flirtatious, kind, etc. Everything a stereotypical rich, snobby woman would be. 

Caterina, real Caterina, has this mentality that society is way behind its time. She hates that everyone blindly follows these morals and laws made up by people who don’t follow them themselves. She sees the structure of society as an idea, some type of leash to control the people. Just because some guy who one day declared himself a leader said so. She thinks that she is enlightened, so she doesn’t have this moral system restricting her, that’s one thing. 

That’s why she’s okay with putting herself into these really terrible situations with bad people. She does something to get something. 

Now, to back up even further and explain where that mentality came from - she has never been independent. Her mother died at a young age (Like fifteen) and so she was taken in by this man whom she fell in love with and emotionally (and even a little physically) harmed her. She ended up killing him (so she thinks) and running in the end. But she didn’t know how to take care of herself without doing dirty work. So she has spent her life from man to man, each more rich and influential than the last.

 She was patronized for it, but coaxed into believing that this is okay by those men. She’s built on manipulation and lies.  She was told that she’s going a lot further than most because she has no bounds holding her back. 

So she spends her life watching out for herself, always keeping herself secure and when one started to falter she had a plan B. Sick, I know. 

Fast-forward, we get to Braxton.

Braxton’s history isn’t fully known - not even to his writer. It’s been slowly revealing itself and piecing together for the writer and readers on this roleplaying journey. 

From what we’ve gathered (mind you, it might not be true but this is what Braxton the character has said ICly), Braxton didn’t like his mother - at all. She always pressed for him to be a businessman. He never played with the other children, he stayed inside and studied. He never learned to share. So he’s almost like this overgrown child with a lot of power which makes him incredibly volatile. 

Caterina and Braxton mixing together makes perfect sense. 

They’re both overgrown children. Not in a dumb way, but in an emotionally unstable way. Not to say that Caterina is insane - she’s not. I hate that escape-goat to just label a woman as insane. No, this is how she is and I can justify it with the experiences the character has gone through and the complex psychological effects. She’s just not a good person. She’s a terrible person in a terrible situation but that’s the situation she thinks is best for her. 

Caterina and Braxton work so well because they feed one another. She feeds into his vanity - he has a huge god-complex and she knows how to really blow that up. So she worships him in order to get the things that she wants. That is security, housing, food, extreme amounts of gold, additional fame (She loves attention. It’s hilarious.), and she hardly has to work for it.  

He also gives her a challenge. There is a constant game between them 

Caterina became infatuated with Braxton over materialistic items. She saw that he’s willing to do anything for his benefit, and she saw that as a sign of strength. She needed someone who had no boundaries, just like her. So when she attached herself to him, naturally he saw this opportunity and took it. 

Her fearless adoration and pending love for him gives him this intense advantage over a very capable, intelligent woman. She, herself, believes that once she can gain Braxton’s full trust he’ll start to love her too and that’s the challenge she’s so obsessed with. 

In a way, Caterina is almost like Braxton’s creation, he broke her of her self-serving attitude and remade her into his own image. If Caterina didn’t see Braxton has worth it, if she had little faith in him, she wouldn’t stay. 

It’s like you’re putting one whirl pool next to another and making the maelstrom. 

So he bends her to his will and delights in watching her strive to please him. When he’s bored, he can play games with Cat and she will always play back - willingly, and with pleasure. He can hurt her and then snatch her back up again with well chosen words and actions. 

He prides in the fact that he’s taken this beautiful, successful, ambitious woman and turned all her plans and mentality towards benefiting him - which, to Caterina, indirectly benefits her. 

She, in both her devotion and her adoration of him, is a mirror to Braxton’s ego. Highly narcissistic, she would provide proof to him of his own genius and brilliance - both in the very fact of her existence and because she fervently believes it herself. Cat is his, body and soul, and that must be immensely gratifying to someone as egotistical as Braxton, especially considering how easily he controls her.

That being said, I do think that Braxton cares for Caterina. Not in any grand, passionate, self-sacrificing or selfless way. Not in a way in which her well being and happiness are important to him. Not in any normal, healthy way. But in his way, and maybe soon, as much as he is capable of.

And eventually her uniqueness in response to him, I believe, will penetrate something very deep and buried within Braxton’s psyche and bring it back to life - a faint glimmer of tenderness consumed by layers of darkness and depravity.

And maybe Caterina is just very delusional in thinking that she can keep digging and breaking herself down, down, down and turning into what he wants so that one day he’ll feel as intensely about her as she is coming to feel about him - but that’s what she believes. 

So when I write these things, these stories, I myself am not romanticizing their abusive relationship - I’m writing it in a manner at which Caterina feels. I’m writing as if she were a real person. The work shows how captivated she is by him because she is captivated by Braxton. She feels romance so to give off that air of romance I write it poetically. 

It’s an artistic choice I make with all of my characters, to use words that give the readers feelings my characters feel - even if it betrays the actual situation. 

So in a way, I would hope that the romanticized writing with an abusive situation would make you uncomfortable because that means I wrote it right and you’re very caring and human. 

If it makes you sick and you don’t enjoy the story, by all means - unfollow. I’ll understand. Not everyone can disassociate their characters and themselves, and especially if you’ve been in a similar experience, if my writing surfaces some sort of bad memory or emotion in you - just unfollow Caterina’s blog. I don’t want anyone to suffer because of this character’s story. 

I have much much more family friendly blogs like @quinn--nadine and @melodyofmercy :) 

This was super long but I feel like I explained it well, I hope that helps!

@braxtonhudson

@thewildercard 

@everythingisbetterwithpirates 

@warlordofruination

[newyorktheater]

Katie is a puppet in more ways than one in “The Copper Children,” a play by Karen Zacarias that is based on a horrifying true story. Katie is one of the immigrant toddlers shipped from New York City to Arizona in 1904 that led to a custody case newspapers dubbed the trial of the century. If there are echoes in this historical drama of the current family separations at the border, the specific series of events depicted in this arresting play chronicles an almost surreal combustion of desperation and bigotry.

“The Copper Children,” streaming through July 22, is the inaugural play in what has turned out to be the Oregon Shakespeare Festival’s first digital season; it was planned initially as one of the two world premieres in the festival’s 85thseason, until COVID-19 shut the season down.

The play begins in the Arizona  mining towns of Clifton-Morenci that are hit by two crises: A strike by the Mexican miners, who are paid less than half that of the Anglo miners, is interrupted by a violent storm that floods the town, drowning 50 residents within minutes, mostly family members of the Mexican miners.   These towns are full of misery and injustice, and something even more unspeakable:  Toxic pollution from the copper mines causes one of the highest rates of infertility and stillborn in the U.S.

“This land is cursed,” says Mexican miner Cornelio Chacon (Christopher Salazar.)  His wife, Margarita (Caro Zeller) laments: “I’ve carried six babies. And all of them have died.”

Meanwhile, in New York City, the Sisters of Charity run an orphanage, The Foundling Hospital, that is overrun with babies. These are not all orphans; some are the off-spring of impoverished families unable to care for them. (“In 1904,” one of the cast members tells us, “25,000 children live in orphanages in New York City. Another 43,000 live on its streets.”) One mother, Allwyne (again Caro Zeller), insists the nuns take in her daughter, Mary Katherine Fitzpatrick — Katie (portrayed by a puppet.)  The nuns are unable to place Irish immigrant children like Katie into local foster homes, because of anti-Irish prejudice .  So the nuns come up with a plan to place them out West with “good families with Catholic values,” as certified and selected by the local priests. And so little Katie joins one of the “orphan trains” that were shockingly common at the time, and winds up in the care of Margarita and Cornelio – but not for long.

It was anti-Irish prejudice that drove Katie into their care, and anti-Mexican prejudice that snatched her out of it.

When Katie and the other children arrive at the station, accompanied by the nuns and an agent who has arranged the trip, they were greeted by a group of curious Anglo women from the town.

“Look at how pretty they all are,” Lottie Mills (Kate Hurster) exclaims. “And all these little ones are white!”  Lottie, who is another one of the town’s childless women, tells the nuns, “I want Katie.’

They explain that all the children have already been assigned to local couples.

“I am not on this list. But I can provide a good home…”

“Mrs. Mills, are you of the Catholic faith? “ asks one of the nuns (Sarita Ocon) “Catholic? Me? No. “ “Then, I’m sorry, Mrs. Mills. We cannot help you.” “Oh, am I not good enough!? “

Lottie becomes outraged when she learns that the families the local priest has selected for the children are Mexican. The priest, Father Mandin (Eddie Lopez), himself an immigrant from France and unaware of local prejudices, saw them straightforwardly as good families with Catholic values. Even the New York nuns are taken aback by his choices.

Father Mandin defends them: “They have jobs and homes. Many can read and write. And I promise you, not one of them would ever feel so desperate as to abandon a child at an orphanage.”

The Anglo townsfolk become up in arms, literally. It doesn’t help that the agent had made the poor Mexican families pay for the transportation costs for the children – which looked to the townsfolk (and newspaper headline writers)  like the Catholic Church was selling little white babies to poor brown people.

Lottie enlists her husband Charles Mills the superintendent of the mine (Rex Young), and he gathers together an armed mob. In the custody case in the Supreme Court of Arizona the following year, a lawyer requests that the word “mob” be stricken from the record and replaced with  “indignation committee” – a clue to what follows.

‘The Copper Children” is one of the 37 plays that the Oregon Shakespeare Festival has commissioned as part of its long-running American Revolutions series; previous commissions include Robert Shenkcan’s plays about LBJ “All The Way” and “The Great Society,” Paula Vogel’s “Indecent” and  Lynn Nottage’s “Sweat” – all of which went on to Broadway, the last of which won the Pulitzer Prize for Drama.

This latest promising play in this cycle was supposed to run in ten months, opening in March. It was shut down a few days after it opened.  Like many theaters, OSF is trying to navigate through this challenging era by streaming some of their productions.  Unlike many other theaters, rather than  offering it for free but soliciting donations, the theater is charging $15 for viewing within a 48-hour period.

Yet, the recording was done early in the process and, as they tell us in a message at the beginning, intended for internal use, not for public streaming, so “as a result you will notice some sound and picture variations….” I also noticed how the staging of this “Brechtian ensemble play” (as the playwright calls it) is not optimal for a film. As directed by Shariffa Ali, the nine actors perform not just as  characters but as storytellers, each taking turns presenting the narrative as the rest of the cast stands or stomps or claps, gathered together on the stage or stairs or raised platforms of Mariana Sanchez’s abstract wooden set. This is all clearly geared for a live audience, and the videographer, perhaps trying to preserve the perspective of the live theatergoer,  emphasizes long and medium shots over close ups. This has its merits; it’s always a tough call.   By contrast, “Hamilton” on Disney+, for example, emphasizes close ups, which assigns the ensemble (and the choreography) largely to the periphery.

Still, Zacarias’ script is so powerful – in the sympathy with which she paints the individual characters,  and the obviously extensive research she conducted to put the events in  context  — that the visual distancing in the video matters less and less as the 90-minute production proceeds, and we feel closer and closer emotionally to the story.  Even on a screen on your computer, “The Copper Children” provides stunning  illumination of a moment largely lost to history, which offers some uncomfortable parallels to our own.

The Copper Children Review:  “Trial of the Century” child abduction dramatized at Oregon Shakespeare Festival Katie is a puppet in more ways than one in “The Copper Children,” a play by Karen Zacarias that is based on a horrifying true story.