#energy and i dont like talking very much and it also restricts me to only being able to read at home which is frustrating

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[ganondoodle]

so guess what they released more interviews and i think given what a writing shitshow totk was and what they have been saying in all these interviews is actually painting a really bad picture; i dont have the time, nor the energy to go over every detail

but they were commenting on people wanting the more linear format back and aonuma himself basically said that he thinks people who feel like that do so only bc of nostalgia and "Why do you want to go back to a type of game where you're more limited or more restricted in the types of things or ways you can play?"

what .. the fuck, more freedom DOESNT automatically mean better??? like ... restriction can be a GOOD thing just as tooo much freedom can be BAD?? like in totk??? are you fukcing shitting me- what the hell are games even for then, has he had an awakening to the fact that he actually just loves sandbox games without realizing it???? im not playing fucking zelda for a sandbox, especially not when its advertised as a somethign else

its pretty clear that they want to keep this format going with everything they say there, ... maybe it really is over huh

also i hate how they kept talking around answering anything about story/lore; they go asked how ganondorf even connects to ganon since theres nothign about it in game, and all they got out was welllll we dont wanna say anything bc its up to the player; about every question you got the answer of "make somethign up yourself" which is just ... its really clear they dont actually care but dont want to say everything is meaningless actually, so they try to be vague about it and with doing that really just confirm they didnt think about it and they dont care- so no lore actually matters, nothing thats been said or established has any meaning bc they will get rid of it the second it crosses paths with their new -more freedom equals better- philosophy, they say its bc they want you to be "free" to think up anything but apparently dont realize that when there are no rules, no consistent lore or anything that it ROBS it, it stops having meaning, its fun to connect dots only when there are rules you need to work with and dots to connect in the first place, when you have an established world with its restrictions it drives you to think more creatively about things- but when there are no rules?? its fucking boring!! thats what it is!!

when you discard all rules i wont care to get invested into anything bc i know it will not be considered again, be done away with without any reason and wont have influence on coming or previous games ... bc there are no rules, anything is possible and everything can be changed any second, so nothing matters

(they also talked about the many viral videos of those very few dedicated people that make godzilla mechs in totk and how happy they are about that- i get that to some extent, but the way they kept talkign about it really just felt like it confirmed my suspicion that that whole mechanic was mainly implemented to let people do that since that gets shared around en masse making it seem like that is why people enjoy it while neither the game nor the narrative are build around it in any way ..)

it just makes all the time i spend thinking, feeling and theorizing about zelda like a true waste of time, bc nothing matters and there are no rules-

i am someone who greatly enjoys working with and around established lore/rules, its fun to me to recontextulize things by being smart or creative with it all without breaking anything or as little as possible of the established things!

if i wanted to do just do anything i want I COULD HAVE ALREADY DONE THAT bc theres nothing actually stopping anyone to just make up what they want! i DONT need canon to lose all rules for that??!!

maybe ill have to make myself believe the franchise ended with botw on a good note ... ono

[blackpearlblast]

hey, if my ask is insensitive or simply too much work/you dont want to give your opinion/energy thats ok, and im sorry for bothering you if it is. ive seen many jewish people say "from the river to the sea" is a dogwhistle/generally antisemitic phrase to use, but you used it in your golem art's text part(incredibly moving text btw.) im asking you bc you mentioned youre jewish and i thought you might have insight or thoughts to give on why you use it/what you think about the first statement about the phrase?

hi, yes, i would be glad to talk about my perspective on this! first of all, i do want to say that i think a lot of palestinian bloggers have already talked about this and their voices will always be what you want to seek out first when educating yourself. however, i do know the crowd of people claiming that "from the river to the sea" is antisemitic/genocidal has been very loud so i understand why you would want to hear a jewish perspective on it too. second, in order to explain why i think "from the river to the sea" is not antisemitic will involve me comparing it to actual antisemitic, nazi slogans and dogwhistles and talking about what they mean. so just a heads up for that before it comes up.

the full phrase is "from the river to the sea, palestine will be free!" i think a lot of times in accusations of antisemitism people leave off the second half of the phrase in order to claim it is calling for something else to happen from river to sea (like the expulsion or execution of all jews.) but that's just like, not, ever, a thing? that is said? you can tell the pieces of the phrase go together because they rhyme and also are said together by palestinians and allies near constantly. it's "from the river to the sea, palestine will be free." and i think all of the fearmongering relies on a good bit of ambiguity beyond that too. "what does a 'free palestine' mean? could it meant they want to throw all the jews into the sea?" - some zionist when i tried to look up the origin of the phrase in case there was anything really important i was missing that i should cover in this. there's like this idea that they can't really be asking for a free palestine, there has to be some kind of catch.

i think it's also important to look at the circumstances that this slogan was born under. the thing about modern day palestine and occupied palestine, on which israel tries to build itself, is that even though spatially the land stretches from river to sea, the people's experience of it does not. because of the apartheid system of checkpoints, ID-based restriction of movement, and blockades (in the case of gaza), there exist great gulfs in the land that are impossible or near impossible for people to cross. there can be a place a couple miles away, that due to lacking the "proper credentials", is more distant for palestinians living under apartheid than perhaps a destination a cross-country trip away would be for you. so i see the call for a free palestine specifically "from river to sea" to remove those gulfs and allow freedom of movement for everyone. i find very little of this has to do with jews, personally. the only connection is that the people who set up and maintain this system of apartheid happened to be jewish. and i hope that we would all agree that resisting one's oppressors- even if those oppressors are also marginalized and oppressed in other ways- is not a bad thing.

but it is true that many white supremacist/antisemitic slogans may focus more on the creation of a (white) nation than actually the jews themselves, since they have already established among themselves that a white nation has to mean no jews. so let's look at some of the more famous nazi rallying cries and how different they are from "from the river to the sea."

the fourteen words are most primarily known to be "we must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children." wow! i guess we could find some superficial similarities between this and river and the sea, like if we really wanted to stretch it. but personally, there's a ton of alarm bells in my head that this phrase sets off while river to the sea doesn't. the emphasis of "we" and "our" when used in this way really implies an us versus them narrative. and here the ambiguity really is present and malevolent! a "free palestine" is a palestine unrestricted by apartheid and colonialism. a "secure existence" and "future for white children" is uhhh, what does that Mean. like, we Know what that means right. but they aren't saying it. we can very easily find people saying what a free palestine means if we listen to palestinians. please, please listen to palestinians. there are so many people talking about what their idea of a decolonized palestine looks like, but the basics are generally one state, for all people, with equal rights for all, and the ability for those who were expelled from their homes in the nakba and all of the many long years following it, to return.

"blood and soil" is even vaguer. but thankfully(?), nazis were very enthusiastic about explaining what the phrase meant to them. "blood" is the superior aryan bloodlines and eugenic values that they wished to propagate and the "soil" represents the land of germany and the desire to "reject modernity and embrace tradition" by leaving urban life behind and living in the idealized countryside. (see we got a twofer here!) the only possible connection i could make to from the river to the sea here is the emphasis on the land but that on its own doesn't feel significant to me. land and the place where you live is very important to all kinds of humans all over the world. and i think another particular aspect of "blood and soil" is the emphasis of how you are living on the land. it's not just enough to be able to live in your homeland with freedom of movement and the ability not to be killed with impunity by occupying soldiers (lucky you!), you want to live there in a state of racial purity exemplified by eugenic values. in general, in nazi slogans, there is a particular fixation with a society shaped to represent these specific values. the call is not for freedom from repression, from an actual occupying colony, but instead from the considered bad actors and impure values coming from within their society. freedom from having degenerates sullying their perfect aryan nation. there is a plea to be able to get rid of those who do not match their view of a perfect society. the plea for a free palestine is, so much, a plea to be able to keep their family members, their friends, the friendly stranger down the block. that is not a fascist ideology, that is the will to live. and though i am referring to the ideology surrounding "blood and soil" in past tense because i am referencing the coining of the phase, these sentiments and slogans are obviously (and unfortunately) alive and well today. though, there is a particular irony to white american neo-nazis chanting it on stolen land.

"they will not replace us"/"jews will not replace us" refers to the "great replacement" theory, that jews are orchestrating a mass replacement of white people with immigrants (specifically non-white, often muslim immigrants.) i do not think this slogan has even any superficial similarities to from the river to the sea. you could definitely compare this sentiment to israel's attempts to maintain an artificial ethnic majority, since in many ways the potential "solution" to the "great replacement" would also need to involve creating/maintaining an artificial ethnic majority. (this is obviously not saying that israel subscribes to the great replacement theory, but that the tactic of maintaining artificial ethnic majorities is shared between zionism and great replacement theorists, since both ideologies rely on a specific ethnicity being the majority in their country.)

dogwhistles like 88, triple parenthesis, etc. rely on being vague symbols so that only those who know what the symbols stand for know what they mean. (88=HH=heil hitler, the triple parentheses representing the supposed (((echoes))) of jewish influence throughout history.) "from the river to the sea, palestine will be free" is a complete phrase that directly names its cause. people who say "free palestine" want you to know they stand with palestine. i guess if you wanted to be going for the most bad faith reading possible you could say "free palestine from what?", to which every palestinian and everyone who has been remotely paying attention to what palestinians are saying would shout: "from apartheid, colonialism, ethnic cleansing, and currently, very open and deliberate genocide!" like, it is true that if you felt you did not glean every aspect and detail of what the people in the occupied territories are calling for, you would be correct! but they are answering this. they want to talk about it. the reason i do not believe from the river to the sea is genocidal or antisemitic is because i have been reading and listening to what palestinians are saying and none of them have said they want to kill all jews. they do not want genocide, they want to go home! they just want to go home. i don't know most of this was written pretty tongue in cheek because i was talking about nazi slogans and nazis are pathetic and even more pathetic when held up against a movement of people who are legitimately trying to fight against a great wrong that was committed against them, but i just get so sad saying this. they just want to go home. haven't you ever felt that way before?

in the end, words mean things, and even more importantly, the contexts they're said in mean things. and while it's true that antisemites do hide behind dogwhistles and vague statements for plausible deniability, the alternative meaning does have to actually be established somewhere for them to be effective. from the river to the sea lacks an established alternative meaning. fearmongering from people who refuse to listen to what palestinians are actually saying does not make sense to me as legitimate definitions of the phrase.

also!!!! i'm sorry this got so Fucking long, thank you if you actually made it this far! i intentionally used "from the river to the sea" in my artists statement because it frustrates and upsets me so much to see people making such a big fuss about it when actual antisemitism goes unpunished. like a lot of the phrases i talk about here were chanted at the charlottesville neo-nazi march in 2017 and while many people were deeply upset and angry at what happened, the jewish community was not rallied around even Close to as much as it right now. and with joe biden saying "if it weren't for israel, not a single jew in the world would be safe" at a fucking hanukkah celebration i just. i don't know. the push back against "from the river to the sea" has so much to do with backing colonial and imperial interests and so so little to do with our actual safety. the concept of our identities and safety is being weaponized against palestinians, and at the same time makes it harder to identify actual antisemitism. and that hurts.

[idealspawn]

hey..... i must say. this has been the best week of my life. and im filled with utter joy. ive had like a.. rebirth? every once in a while i feel like im born again. the transition is really emotional but they are moreso growing pains than destructive pains. im suddenly surrounded by so many great people and possibilities and i finally feel like life is rewarding me, treating me the way i should be treated. in a way im reluctant to owe it to "faith" and see myself as a passive subject rather than an active agent in this but in a way i think i am powerless in some factors regarding this change. next month its my debut in like a culture (?) newspaper! at least they said they are very interested in my analysis but i havent heard back yet about the second version i sent them. i wrote my favourite poem ive ever written. and ive seen so many movies recently that have served as this transitional border. like as this extremely active sphere of both "death" but also birth. like metaphorically. ive been so vulnerable and i love it. ive cried my eyes out like i havent in such a long time and done like... meta analyses about my underlying beliefs to bring change and new energy into my life. you see.. i get really stuck on like.. nominal labels. at first they describe me but it tends to go unnoticed when it no longer fits or serves me and im only living a certain way just because of this nominal structure. but all these nominal structures are made for us. not that we are made to fit them. ive re-evaluated things now.. also out of nowhere people have been reaching out to me. maybe it truly does show up in my energy when im more open. like that it attracts other open, honest, vulnerable people. ive met so many new people and truly felt seen. this is a big thing for me. for the longest time ive struggled to enjoy time with people because ive struggled to find people who i share some kinds of values. i like diverse people but for example people who are open to explore communication on an emotional and relational level rather than only informational. thats important to me. ive been more confident in sharing my opinions too:) and participating in class and in life. going to places where i know id feel a bit uncomfortable and end up surprised. going to places alone is massive for me. it opens me up to new people and experiences because i simply dont have a choice to close myself off with friends im already close with. a woman came to talk to me after a lecture. she said she had been watching how i take notes in class (i write really fast.. i tend to transcribe literally everything the professor says). she said she has studied palaeography and asked to see my notes to analyse my handwriting :) she said its very unusual for people to still write in cursive if they write with the pen very much pointed upwards, however i manage to do so :D. it really made me want to also just reach out to people... like whenever and for whatever reason. and ive noticed people actually like talking to you when youre authentic and awkward. ive restricted my communication with people SO MUCH only due to the fact that i feel like i might not be insanely flawless in my self-expression. the nature too. the season is such that i see birth and death all around me. and its very refreshing. i like seeing change and being reminded of it constantly. it feels liberating. its a season that many people dislike in my country but im in love. i love people. i love physical touch. i love eye contact. i love emotions. i love ideas. i love agency in breaking boundaries. i love feeling seen and important and useful. i love authenticity and vulnerability.

[indepth-mbti]

hi, i want to know what type you think i am, and if i am e7 or e9. thank you!

previously, i have thought of myself as isfp (e7) but i realised that i lacked a set of principles/ morals which is wat Fi is about. after reading more about the functions, i see a lot of Se and Ne in me, in that Se: i observe my surroumdings a lot, surroundings matter to me, i get distracted by them even when someone is talking to me. things like people dropping their phone, kids crying, what show the person in front is watching etc., Ne: i like to keep my options open, i like imagining myself doing things more than actly doing them. i work in spontaneous bursts of energy. i also need freedom of choice. i dislike people telling me wat to do and restricting me. making a routine/ timetable doesnt end well usually.

honestly, i cant fathom why i am so preoccupied with finding my "type" cos a big part of me just doesnt see the point, like i change a lot, i am inconsistent. i also mirror people easily like their accent/ way of talking, if they are more focused on logic or emotion. hanging out with more than 1 person is a bit weird, because it's hard to adjust myself accordingly so i tend to become a 3rd wheel.

ive seen many mbti posts but i only relate in bits and pieces across diff types. but a friend whose opinion i value a lot thinks i am an isfp which is probably why i am hung up on it.

however, she recognises that i can be v flighty, partly due to childhood trauma and partly because i feel too much and i want to detach myself physically and emotionally. that being said, when it's safe to express my emotions, i cry easily and a lot, like during movies. sometimes i even get headaches, fevers and nausea from very angsty stuff. (i dont understand people who dont cry during demon slayer, in fact, im scared of them.)

when making decisions i choose the path of least resistance. but theres one thing though: i felt that my previous job was treating me unfairly (logically speaking, it was very bad luck and carelessness but i felt cheated of my effort as a whole that i put in) so before quitting, i wanted to get even. i didnt plan or think in depth, i just did what i thought was fair to me. at first it was totally impulsive but later i did put some thought into reaching my end goal more smoothly.

when i first play an open world game (genshin) i spend 3+h exploring and having fun, not knowing abt the objectives. then i get lost and cant complete the objectives at all which makes me quit. heh.

I don't see enough proof to tell if you're Se or Ne dom, I won't rule out Fi dom tbh. You're for sure a high FiTe user.

"i also mirror people easily like their accent/ way of talking, if they are more focused on logic or emotion. hanging out with more than 1 person is a bit weird, because it's hard to adjust myself accordingly so i tend to become a 3rd wheel." "when making decisions i choose the path of least resistance."

This sounds a lot like E9, specially sx9. I don't see the narcissism and fraudulence of the E7 in you, if you're a head type I'll say that you're E6 - I think that you're E9, but there's an orientation towards justice and fairness that sounds super E6 in you, but it may also be FiTe.

I'd go for ESFP sx9 tbh. Specially for the "what's the point of finding your type?" part, Se users value practicity. But I recommend you to keep analysing yourself, specially regarding perception and what kind of information do you prefer - do you feel more comfortable with tangible facts? or do you feel more comfortable with big and abstract ideas? Don't answer this questions right know, your own psyche can be quite manipulative. Observe yourself, be patient.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Thank you for replying to my ask and having this blog! I didn't want to tell any detail about my ed I thought that would be very triggering for some people cause it's about losing and gaining weight and dieting so trigger warning!!

But I guess I have always had since high school disturbed body image because diet culture starts affecting you very early on.

In college when I have had depressive episodes one way to cope was restricting my eating and then when I lost the weight I gained when depressed I started to feel better and it was like this yo-yo ish many years.

But oh god last year I had so many things that caused me stress I was living in a survival mode the whole 2021 and maybe still am, and idk why I gained weight guickly maybe it was many things combined. Then when things were bad my bf left me and my friends didn't help me and I was left kinda alone and the only way to cope again was thinking of losing weight. So this is such a classic but my ed was the symptom of my hard life situation and way to cope with the anxiety and stress.

But restricting my eating didnt 'work 'like it used to in the past, I havent been able to lose the gained weight and so my energy and time is still focused on losing that weight even now when im my life situation has improved a bit.

I have talk about my issues with doctors and I feel they haven't been taking my symptoms seriously or have focused just on my depression and anxiety (which are caused by ed so this is a fun cycle). Yesterday I talked to a nutritionist for the first time since applying help and she just said what I already know that even tho ed is a mental health problem the only way to cure is by eating. And that I should stop thinking about losing weight cause that only worsens everything (yeah no shit). And that she can't help me cope with the anxiety it's the other healthcare system that should (have) do(ne) that.

The thing is I have triedddd so much this whole time to take care of my eating but if I had succeeded I wouldn't be having any problems with it still u know?

It's kinda ironic how much I know about ed without being able to do anything. First I need to fix my nutritional status I think that's where everyone starts. And after that maybe intuition eating. I need to learn dbt skill to cope with anxiety and depression. And stop stressing about everything everywhere qll the time. Buying new clothes that fit so looking at my too small clothes wouldn't be so triggering. I need to learn self compassion and find a therapist but they are in high demand so that's really hard. I need to find things that I like about myself and repeat those. But everytime when I fail at trying to fix my daily routine and fix my eating routine I think of it as a setback and its a cycle very hard to get off (I need to wake up early to eat breakfast and lunch early so I wouldn't be so hungry at evening and night cause then I can't sleep properly and then I sleep in and then I eat late and then im hungry at evening and night cause I don't wanna eat too much in the evening and then I sleep in cause my blood sugar is so low from not eating enough in the evening does this make any sense at all) and I think I have ibs from so much stress and I think that's actually the reason I have gained weight like I'm bloated all the time. And i dont have any support cause my depression/ ed made me also isolate from my friends and/or they kinda left me also so yeah. Ummmmm this became a lot longer than i thought. if you read this all thank you and also sorry for dumping all my problems here

Sorry that it took me so long to respond to this - my own life situation is kind of taking a toll on me rn, and I've been slow to respond to people. That will continue to be the case, most likely.

But I'm sorry you've found the system so unhelpful! I really think a competent nutritionist should at least be a little understanding of mental health problems, especially when a lot of people coming to them with additional health needs will probably be coping with a lot and might need a little empathy. I mean, yeah, that's not her main job, but healthcare requires a multipronged approach, especially since her "just eat" directive won't be helpful without someone assisting with the mental health aspect simultaneously. I mean, if she frequently works with ED clients she should know that - "just eat" is such an ineffective directive. I hope you find a therapist or a team of therapists that are capable of helping you.

My advice, though? Break it down for yourself. All of these things are a cycle that feed into one another, so making progress in ANY of these areas you struggle in is still progress. And if you let yourself focus on one thing at once, it might not seem so overwhelming. Also remember that everyone struggles with hard days/moments, so if you slip, it doesn't mean you've lost all your progress. It seems an all-or-nothing approach can be really self-defeating. I get it, though - that's definitely something I still find myself struggling with!

I really hope you find more social support! I don't know if you have any online support groups. I also hope it's okay that I published this ask - I tend to do it unless otherwise specified so that people on here don't feel alone in their struggles. I bet there have been lots of ED sufferers who struggled during the pandemic, who have been feeling a lot of overwhelm and who struggle with finding adequate support and on trying to accept their bodies as-is and who are triggered by things like buying new clothes. I'm wondering if anyone else would like to share their experiences.

[oliviamillss]

reading dreams chart

im only going to use up to orb 3, for stronger accuracy lmao

**if you can’t be bothered to read it all, theres a summary paragraph at the bottom**

sun:

sun in 7th: strong emphasis on relationships. tends to copy others lingo/habits. extroverted. probably ‘needs’ others. only really shows his true self around his close friends/family/partners. 

sun at 19 degrees: a libra degree. (emphasis on this bc libra rules 7h), makes him a very charming, likeable, particularly popular guy.

sun opposite ascendant: inner conflict, probably doesn’t feel like people see him for his true self, may struggle showing true self. may feel misunderstood. may need approval/validation a lot.

sun square mars: hints to daddy issues. may struggle with a lot of built up anger and frustration, but it seems like he takes it out very positively, as you can see he is competitive, so i think he lets it out through gaming. probably very energetic, motivated.

sun square saturn: high expectations for himself. probably the type of person to think ‘i’m only good enough if i do this’. probably very hard on himself. also probably very insecure of himself, but doesn’t show it. another sun square masculine planet, more hinting to daddy issues.

moon:

moon in 7th: probably relies on close friends/family/partners a lot. loves to help people, esp people he’s close with (kinda mr beast vibes). probably very like ‘oh shit, he’s sad, i need to do everything within my power to cheer him up’ if that makes sense lmao

moon in virgo: looking after people!!! esp with the sun square saturn,, high expectations. probably a very much perfectionist, which also explains why he is competitive. may ‘always need to be right’. but virgo moons are actually so lovely omfg

moon at 9 degrees: sagittarius degree, likes to help people by optimism, and giving things to the person that they would want (im aware that sounds obvious lmao). probably feels a sense of achievement when cheers them up.

moon square pluto: probably hard time dealing with and growing from negative things that have happened, possibly struggles with letting things go. possibly self destructive (why did that one heatwaves part come to mind), possible trust issues + anxiety, probably very particular about who he lets close into his life, maybe quite protective. 

mercury:

mercury in 6th: likes to help people, probably not disappointed if he spends his time working with someone, may struggle with anxiety/depression. a quick learner, probably overthink every word because it wast the ‘perfect’ thing to say. 

mercury in leo: funny asf, and out there, also thinks his ideas/things to respond and say are the best, with the 6h and 7h placements, he is open to listen to others, but in the end he only really wants his one lmfao, good with conversation.

mercury at 1 degree: aries degree, another fire placement which emphasises the loud, out there kinda vibes.

mercury trine mc: career and reputation are strongly linked with what he says. (this is obv bc hes famous lmao). he’s smart, particularly with technology and its linked to his career. *im aware this sounds like im just describing him, this is exact so thats why its overly accurate*

mercury opposite neptune: daydreamer, probably has a lot of thoughts and ideas in his head, but they just dont come across right. probably zones out, may struggle with focusing. but very creative, has big and creative ideas. i havent mentioned it before but its come up too many times now, but he has a lot of placements, when manifested badly, creates a good manipulator

mercury square jupiter: optimistic, possibly thinks his ideas are the best (we’ve covered that before), can be really overly talkative or just nothing at all. (i rlly dont know much about this placement)

venus:

venus in 7th: he will have a beautiful relationship with his future partner. charming asfff, probably a good flirt. tends to love love. needs to be liked, sort of a pleaser. 

venus in virgo: the type of person to remember everything about the people he cares about. loves to help the people he cares about. probably sees the people he truly loves as ‘perfect’, which may end up being really bad if they’re toxic. 

venus in retrograde: struggles feeling loved, possibly feels like he doesn’t deserve love. probably the type to be like ‘how could you ever love me?’

venus square mc: attract people who take care of him. either has self-esteem issues, or is quite a dependant person. creative. may struggle finding people who support his career, or may have to change a few things about himself to be liked by others. 

venus trine jupiter: very likeable, and he’s veryyy lucky. he’s funny, and a generous person, probably very giving to his close friends and family. charismatic asfff, likely he will marry someone foreign. 

mars:

mars in 9th: more things hinting to attract(ing/ed to) foreigners. loves experiencing things with people he cares about. likes to learn more and more, possibly stubborn, makes sure his opinions are known.

mars in scorpio: that boy needs privacy in his life, doesn’t like being predictable. probably an overthinker. we’ve already known this but he’s definitely a top. probably could get anyone he wants, seductive asfff. also pretty spiteful.

mars at 17 degrees: leo degree, fame bitchesss

mars square ascendant: hates to lose, competitive. people may be intimidated by him at first, can’t really hide anger, pretty stubborn.

mars opposite saturn: really hard on himself. wants to be the best of the best, leader. stands up for himself. another placement hinting to daddy issues. harsh about his work, and himself in general, perfectionist. 

mars square uranus: anger may change a lot, a lot of energy, probably struggles to focus, doesn���t like to be the one who is being controlled/has restrictions. probably struggles with authority. outbursts of anger.

jupiter

jupiter in 3rd house: loves writing, and is actually pretty good at it. knows how to talk to people, how to persuade them, and how to manipulate them. good liar, knows how to sell his wants across, how to get what he wants.

jupiter at 4 degrees: cancer degree, cancer rules his 6h. he uses his luck/money to help others.

jupiter square neptune: big dreams, desire to escape the world as it is.

saturn:

saturn in 3rd: afraid of/ is often misunderstood. struggles to open up?, maybe he wasn’t listened to much growing up. hard on himself academically, feels like he isn’t smart enough. hard time expressing himself. maybe feels like noone really cares for what he has to say?

saturn at 16 degrees: cancer degree. idk what else to say abt it lmaoo

saturn square ascendant: quite serious, maybe struggle with the way he looks? possibly quite overwhelmed about his life,, feels like he has too much to do at times. fear of rejectionnn

saturn square uranus: maybe he doesn’t like change, tradition v change clashing. authority troubles. probably needs freedom, but feels unstable without what he’s used to. rebelling against norms. 

uranus: 

uranus in 12th: probably very curious about unexplainable things, maybe quite into conspiracy theories. two complete ends of the spectrum: fear change/need it, unpredictable things happen/ everythings the same. 

uranus at 14 degrees: taurus. taurus ruling 2nd, i guess it shows change in dream’s wealth.

uranus opposite north node (and conj south node): with exceptions, doesn’t like conflict. he is fine with joke conflict, but the second there’s an actual argument he tries to be the ‘peacemaker’ guy. technology is major in his life. also quite nervous about his career/future. 

neptune:

neptune in 12th: awful sleep schedule. overworking himself, never relaxing. vivid dreams. once again, this has come up loads and i just haven’t mentioned it: intuitive asf, george is the same. whether either are aware of it or not, they are super intuitive.

neptune at 2 degrees: taurus degree.

neptune sextile mc: creative, also likes helping others, empathy to the public. has big dreams career wise. 

pluto:

pluto in 10th: determined person, gets a lot of hate, but also a lot of love. trust issues, persuasion/manipulative abilities. leader leader leader. another hint to daddy issues, maybe privacy invading, maybe overprotective. don’t want to be controlled.

north node:

north node in 6th: overwork himself. but i think we can interpret this as his life goal to be working to help people. literally mr beast. just work hard, and give a lot away. humble.

chiron:

chiron in 9th: possible restriction from either his or his communities beliefs/religions. maybe he’s afraid of leaving where he is right now (sapnap moving to orlando, whenever its brought up its always george coming to orlando)

lilith:

lilith in sagittarius: need for truth. dislikes restrictions. hides emotions, uses humour to avoid them/ make people think they’re okay when they’re not. stubborn asf. 

lilith in 10th: tend to be sexualised/ reputations for being sexual. another placement hinting to daddy issues. really wants to be at the top, the most powerful. likes using his dominance/ power to seduce. motivateddd.

lilith conjunct pluto (exact omfg): typical ‘mystery’ guy. probably the mystery/scorpio vibes he pulls off attracts/ seduces people. the most dominant partner ever. sex is probably so intense and overwhelming

moon square lilith: possible mummy issues. his need for sex can change quick asf, from one end of the scale to another. struggles to open up. 

 i ought to mention!!

there’s a theory that the degree of your venus sign is the birthday of someone who is v important in your life. what’s dreams you may ask? 1. and when are george and sapnap’s birthdays? the 1st. they’re soulmates, your honour.

summary!!!

basically, dream has so much care and love for his friends and family, and probably relies on them a lot. he only shows his true self around them, and he (at least thinks) people don’t really understand him in the way his friends and family do. he is a social person, who’s very likeable and charming. he lovesss helping people, doing everything in his power to cheer others up, he remembers details about the people he loves. he is such a perfectionist, needing to succeed and win and everything, and is very competitive. he probably doesn’t think he’s ‘worthy’ if he’s bad at something. he sets very high expectations for himself. he is very hard on himself. if he wants to, he knows how to manipulate people. he has so so many placements for an amazing manipulator. he may struggle to express himself or open up, and may be hard on himself academically. maybe he doesn’t feel ‘listened to’. a lot of emotions like anger and sex drive may change rapidly for him. he over works himself a lot. a major theme in his life is tradition vs change. he is probably afraid of change, or finds it uncomfortable, or he may have some sort of attachment to traditional values/things, no matter how much he wants to change. he is also a peacemaker. he was born to be loved or hated, kinda like marmite but if the balance was more equal. he doesn’t like restrictions. he uses humour to hide his emotions.

im also thinking of doing a synastry reading between george and dream but idk yet lol

hope you guys enjoyed, this took ages lmao<3

[creacherkeeper]

LOVR ur aelwyn and the bad kids series and can’t wait to see what you’ve got planned for the other three bad kids!! got any headcanons in general about them?

thank you so much!!!! <3 <3 ive REALLY enjoyed writing the series so far, and the comments and encouragement has been so lovely ;; fantasy high fandom my beloved <3

*slaps head* this babey can fit so much headcanons in it

okay ive talked about this with a few people but i totally think season 3 will have a siblings motif. we already know a few characters who are NOT only children (fabian, ayda) which hasn’t been explored, and have some characters who also have the potential to not be only children (they called fig ‘first born daughter’ in hell?? weird choice of wording for an only child) (also either set of gorgug’s parents could have more kids - adopted or bio). and i’d just really like to see more of kristen’s brothers and OF COURSE adaine and aelwyn. riz just has such strong only child vibes im sorry i dont see that changing

i REALLY HOPE we meet fabian’s siblings but my PERSONAL headcanon for them is that he has an older sister who is like. SUPER COOL and badass and can kick his ass in a second flat and literally everyone is in love with her. and also an older brother who lives in bastion city who is a completely normal and extremely boring accountant

(also fabian’s cool older sister and aelwyn become friends ok thx)

so adaine definitely has the potential to be a very physical person (like even early early s1 she’s throwing spells, punching, The Ladle) but obviously was raised in an environment where she was expected to be very self contained. i think as she gets used to mordred manor and living with jawbone and tracker and ragh especially, she gets VERY about physical affection. like, okay, one, the child is touch starved we all know this. but i think she goes from awkward fistbumps and pats on the shoulder to like. BIG bear hugs, hair ruffling, people sitting on her lap, etc etc pretty quickly. like just embracing that physicality she has in a positive way

also jawbone and tracker (in a safe way, we know they take measures to not spread lycanthropy) totally bite as affection. and adaine picks up on it and one day just sort of chomps aelwyn’s arm a little bit and aelwyn is like. hey. so what the hell was that. and adaine was like it was affection it means i love you. and aelwyn is just like. literally what the fuck is up with this house.

ALL the bad kids have trauma For Sure but (as i hinted at in the first fic) fabian definitely has ptsd from leviathan. i think his presents as less emotional stuff and more as like. a ton of hypervigilance and irritability/snappishness when he’s triggered

okay i could literally write an essay on all the bad kids mental stuff and neurodivergence and everything but 1) kristen is just a unit of cPTSD with freckles 2) adaine and aelwyn have the SUPER WEIRD combo of adaine being the externalizer and aelwyn being an internalizer and i think that’s the thing that like. yes DID fuck up aelwyn for a long time but ultimately is what saved both of them. like i believe very strongly that if this tendency had been flipped they’d both be completely screwed

okay speaking of aelwyn 1) claustrophobia now right?? like we can all agree on that ?? 2) this is NOT just me projecting (yes it is) but i think aelwyn has chronic pain/fatigue for a good while after s2. like you cant spend almost a YEAR at five levels of exhaustion doing one extremely restricted repetitive motion and not like ???? completely fuck up your body??? like yes she and fabian totally swordfight and duel and stuff but also i think it takes a WHILE before she can do any physical activity without getting completely wiped out. because spells do seem to take SOME level of energy or whatever from you (spell slots, otherwise you could just do them all the time) i think this probably includes spells

gorgug is like. extremely good with kids. toddlers especially. he talks to them like they can totally understand everything (great for development!) and is just very patient and kind and good but also does not mind being used as a jungle gym and WILL throw a child into a beanbag chair for two hours straight (ALSO great for development!). fabian also thinks babies are the cutest things on the planet but will NOT admit that so he mostly tags along when gorgug babysits because he’s “just SO bored he CANT find anything better to do UGH” and secretly is like. babies <3

let aelwyn MULTICLASS!!!! paladin and barbarian are my faves for her

i know this is a common hc but like. all the bad kids share clothes. for sure. literally the bugs bunny OUR closet meme

kristen has a total green thumb she’s GREAT with plants and tracker is just like <3 its because youre a lesbian <3 even though tracker will totally kill any plant she comes in contact with by accident

kristen and tracker are the academy’s GSA moms. theyll be like “hello my child” and the other kid will be like im four months older than you??? and theyre like “that does not matter <3″

adaine and aelwyn were DEF forced into like. piano and violin lessons growing up but when fig finds out shes VERY EXCITED they can play together and like. does piano and violin and bass sound good together?? dont worry about it. its the first time playing music is actually fun for the two of them

ayda, after more research and understanding, is totally the type of person who’d walk up to someone in the grocery store and be like “hello i believe you are autistic like me let me explain what that is” and fig is like. babe. babe. we were just here for fruit snacks. babe.

okay i will stop here for now because i super need to shower but also if people wanted more/specific headcanons i might be .....,, persuaded ...

[bi-dazai]

okay while we're on the subject of eating healthy and exercising, I want to vent/talk about weight loss. This is gonna be a rly controversial, very personal and extremely long post but I do want to make a point. I'm not going to discuss every fucking nuance of haes or my EDs. But for clarity, know that my eds are complicated and were mostly osfeds - minor anorexia osfed in high school and bed osfed when I was 18-19. after i realised how fat i was the minor anorexia came back and over the pandemic it became full scale anorexia nervosa.

I'm 5'3. The healthy weight range I should be in is in the high 40s-low 50s. I went up to TWICE that by the time I was just nineteen years old. It wasn't fun being fat. I consumed as much fat acceptance, fat activism content as I could, I pretended I was confident and happy even when I was fat. But I wasn't. Because people don't just get obese accidentally. A little overweight, yes. But obese? No. You get obese from depression, from giving up. You don't want to move so you don't. You're sad all the time, and the body positivity circles say eat comfort food, whatever and as much as it makes you feel better!! Do you know what that is? That's encouragement of BED. Do not say that. Because I did that. I ate sugar and junk food, I was still depressed.

I was reading these posts that were claiming fat people shouldn't be weighed at the doctor, that your weight shouldn't count, that BMI is incorrect and doesn't matter, etc etc. There were posts saying that they got "perfect bloodwork" (what even is that? I knew that was wrong, I've had chronic iron deficiency for a decade!) even though they were fat, so they had to be healthy, right? I got shown pictures of obese ballerinas and obese weightlifters blah blah blah. And I grew and grew, and I got to almost 85kg on the fast track to 100kg before reality smacked me in the face and I realised I was shortening my lifespan by decades.

Here's what it was like being obese!

- joint pain, constantly

- could barely walk anywhere without feeling out of breath

- couldn't find any fashionable, good quality clothes (plus size stores either carry unfashionable clothing, or fashionable but cheap quality clothing. I don't like to waste money on cheap clothes)

- more acne than I'd had in years

- oily skin

- more difficulty feeling "full"

- JOINT FUCKING PAIN

- rashes from skin rubbing against skin!

- even larger chest, making me MORE dysphoric

- back pain!!

- snoring - this is not just embarrassing. This is potentially deadly.

- DYSPHORIA

- KNEES. JOINT PAIN.

- DYSPHORIA

this was just things I felt physically, noticeably! The things that my fat was doing on the inside was even worse. Fat isn't just this layer of packing peanuts that appears on top of you. It coats your organs. It gets everywhere. It makes your entire body run worse.

Fat also makes it much more likely for you to not just GET cancer, but it it also makes it harder to FIGHT cancer. Being obese makes almost every single goddamn sickness on the planet worse because when you have THAT MUCH fat tissue the hormones and shit it secretes fucks EVERYTHING up.

Yes there are obese bodybuilders. Yes there are obese ballerinas. Let's talk about those two.

There are plenty of drs and dieticians who have pointed out the obvious - if an obese person was really, actually eating healthily and exercising every day, they would not stay obese forever. Its not magic, it's thermodynamics. CICO done right works for everyone. If you are eating healthy, appropriate portions for weight loss at your TDEE and exercising it would literally be IMPOSSIBLE for you not to lose weight!! Even more the heavier you are because when you exercise you carry around a lot more weight.

Obese weightlifters are still obese. They are not proof you can be obese and healthy. They are still going to die younger if they do not lose weight.

Let's talk about fat ballerinas. The only ones I've seen are trainee ballerinas, not professional ones. And their performance looks impressive at first, until you look closer. You notice their balance is never quite perfect, their control can be amazing and the best ever but they'll still be off. Why? Because fat moves around with your movement, and it displaces your balance and your line of movement. It's simply not possible to do something like ballet dancing as a fat person without risking major injury as well. En pointe is already stupid dangerous for the skinniest ballerina. Going en pointe at anything above 60kg is going to get progressively suckier the heavier you go. And god help your ankles because falling down will always end in a major injury.

I'm so fucking done with "fat acceptance". I'm tired of "body positivity" being a movement about obese middle-upper class white women and not about scars and disabilities etc like it was focused on in the start. I have no problems with Health at Every Size - every person should feel happy to workout, to eat healthy. I have no problem raising issue with people bullying others for their weight as well. That's wrong. But pretending that it's Healthy at Every Size is a fucking lie, and it's one that could've sentenced me to an early death. Healthy at Every Size said I was condemned to joint pain and oily skin and depression and exhaustion for the rest of my life based on cherrypicked sentences from studies that didn't agree with them. That "95% of diets fail" sentence in particular drives me up the wall. You don't need a diet to lose weight, you need healthy CICO, you need to eat below your TDEE, you need to eat healthy, and you need to exercise. All you have to do at first is go on a 10-20 minute walk, whatever pace you like, a few times a week.

You can BE fit, you CAN lose weight! You are not sentenced to having joint pain and an increased risk for cancer and a less effective COVID vaccine for life. You can change your body in incredibly ways. You have no idea what you are capable of.

There's this myth that weight loss takes keto and shakes and diet pills and crash diets etc. It doesn't. All it is is making sure you eat less than your TDEE, eating HEALTHY calories, and getting your heartrate up by exercising at least 175 minutes a week.

The human body is not meant to be obese. There's no such thing as a set point weight. There's CICO, there's nutrition, there's making sure your muscles dont atrophy. Weight loss and fitness isn't some magic thing that youre just born able to do. I was lazy throughout my entire teens. I thought fitness was something the popular girls did. It's not. It's for everyone. and everyone, especially in places with an obesity epidemic such as the US, UK, and Australia, should make use of it. It's a good thing. Walking is one of the best things you can do for your body, and it's incredibly rewarding in every way. Eating healthy and not eating until you feel like you're going to burst is rewarding in every way. And it's not like you can't ever have junk food again, you just have to limit it to a treat, a once or twice per week thing. And honestly, it makes it much more enjoyable that way.

Now I want to talk a little about my anorexia. My weight loss journey came to anorexia. This is because it was an eating disorder I'd had for a long time. I did not see a trainer or dietician, and I consciously decided to push myself too far. I consciously decide to eat less and exercise more when I am starving. This is not something that just happens because someone is eating at 1200cals. It happens because you have an eating disorder which you are born with. Saying people who eat 1200cals of healthy food a day and exercise right are "anorexic" is so fucking insulting to everyone involved. It's ableist and ignorant. 1200cals is also a pretty generous amount for anorexic ppl to eat. That's close to a binge in ED standards, so that should give you a reference for how offbase saying 1200cals is "anorexic" is.

My anorexia is healthy habits pushed into eating disorder territory. I eat healthy, yes, but I don't eat enough. I exercise, yes, but I often push myself too far when I'm already lacking energy. The advice I give people for health is correct, and I'm never going to go around saying "eat less than 1200cals" as weightloss advice. Eat less, sure, but there's a limit. Calorie counting is a good thing to do, tracking your macros and nutrients is good. But I do it too much.

I know what's healthy, a lot of ppl with restrictive and purgative EDs do. People with EDs can give some awesome health advice, we just can't follow it because we have a mental disorder. Believe it or not people with EDs discussing their EDs are not "pro-ana", pointing out that anorexia and people with anorexia are real and not some boogeyman you use to justify not losing weight and eating healthy is not pro-ana. Anorexia existing is not pro-ana and anorexics being anorexic has nothing to do with fatphobia.

this post is a rambling mess but i rly had to get some stuff clear on how I feel abt this stuff because it's getting concerning how much unhealthy shit, and then straight up ableist shit, that the fat acceptance crowd spews out.

A little exercise won't kill you, eating healthy won't kill you. You are not sentenced to ugly plus size fashion and joint pain and being out of breath for the rest of your life. Leave the Healthy at Every Size death cult and join the Health at Every Size movement. Let the doctor take your weight (it IS medically necessary). acknowledge that you are obese and it is affecting your health. It's scary but it can be the start of a new, healthy beginning. It was for me.

Losing 15kg has been the best thing in my life. Sure, the anorexia is there enjoying it for one reason. But the reason I truly enjoy it is because I've discovered what a healthier body feels like. I've discovered the joys of exercise, I've discovered the joys of eating healthy. I can fit nice clothes now. And I'm still overweight! I'm 66kg, that's 4kg away from the barest minimum acceptable healthy bmi. But I feel so so much better. I look better. I have a jawline! Good skin! Energy! It didn't fix me but it sure made me a hell of a lot better.

Please please try and eat healthy, eat an appropriate amount, go for walks. It's so so good, and if you do it right you WILL lose weight. You'll live past 50. You'll get to explore the world in a way you couldn't when going up stairs had you out of breath. You'll fit into that nice skirt you've been looking at. Your skin will clear up. You'll have energy and your mental health will improve.

It's so so fucking worth it to put effort into your health, like I cannot emphasise this enough. Please do it, I wish I could tell myself this when I was binging on junk because the FA crowd told me it was valid to comfort eat until I hurt.

[xenteaart]

feel free to ignore my ranting but i’m just so frustrated??? 

disclamer: it’s very personal but also feel free to share your thoughts im happy to talk

the thing about fanfiction, right. it takes your mind off things. you get into those scenarios and it’s sort of like escapism but it also makes you feel things, especially when it’s reader inserts. and it doesnt really matter whether you’re a writer or a reader, i feel like its all the same shit because you get emotionally invested and then sometimes it feels really nice but sometimes it feels like you get this surge of serotonin (or whatever neurotransmitter gets released idk) and as soon as it’s gone you feel so empty. but not even because it’s a low after a high but because of what scenarios you find yourself in while reading/writing. 

lemme explain. fanfiction is both saving and ruining my life at the same time. it’s definitely been a distraction from my everyday worries and just generally something that i can pour my creativity and energy into and it’s such a lovely supporting community as well and i LOVE y’all so much. but also because of fanfiction my expectations and standarts are so fuckin high?? or maybe not let me elaborate 

they’re not even high in terms of smth unrealistic like “oh i’m never going to space in a TARDIS so i feel bad about my life now” or something like that. i’ve realized that all the regular normal things that are featured in fanfics just don’t happen in real life?? well, maybe they do in yours but they definitely don’t in mine. even the simplest things like chatting with someone at a bar or at a party or wherever. freely communicating with other human beings. fucking going out and having fun with your friends (and i dont mean that because of covid restrictions). like, for some reason it feels so difficult in real life?? your mind is constantly plagued with anxiety and all those thoughts like “oh what are they gonna think of me” “oh i dont have anything worthy to say” “oh this is so awkward and stupid”. it’s like i’m only living my life on 5% because as soon as the percentage goes up it becomes so overwhelming that i can’t bear it

like, in fanfics it all just happens so smoothly, just face to face normal human interactions, you know? and in real life it feels almost unbearable to even order a fucking coffee without feeling like you’re the embarrassment of the year. i don’t really know where i’m going with this, tbf i’m not even trying to make a point

well, maybe the only point i’m trying to make is that i am personally so used to non-real-life interactions aka texting and voice messages instead of just seeing people irl that i’ve clearly lost my ability of being a functional human and it’s fucking with my life a lot. 

and btw i wasn’t really saying that fics are ruining my life, i only meant that my involvement in writing and reading actually pushed me to realize all this?? like i dont even know what and who to blame?? because i feel like its a very common problem and its not just me being an anxious dumbass, i know lots of people that agree that it’s become incredibly hard to do all the simple things when it comes to merely socializing. and i just dont know why thats the case now. are we an anxious generation because we’re constantly on our phones and not present etc? or is there some other reason?? or maybe life has always been this boring for everyone and fics, books and movies just exaggerate it ?? like what is the case here and why can’t i get be fucking free and able to just chat and have fun

[angelsswirl]

Vellichor

The One With Shit and The Fan

A.N. Yall are about to be very mad at me, but it must be read.

~•~

Oh and I know

And you know that we've been here before

I think I know how it should end

We got an audience calling us crazy

You feel like a white suburban mom.

The ones that hoot and howl over every little thing in preparation for company.

You feel like that, because that's exactly what you're doing right now.

Hooting and howling over every little thing in preparation for company.

"If you move a pillow to sit on the couch, what do you do with the pillow when you're done sitting on the couch? YOU PUT THE PILLOW BACK! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS?!"

You had finally managed to convince Jisoo to agree to a civilized dinner with Taylor's parents. It involved a lot of placating and a lot of sex.

So naturally, you had to make sure the house was spic and span, because you wouldn't be caught dead in a filthy home.

Luckily, your children had pulled their own weight and helped, you were now just doing the finishing touches, like putting throw pillows in their proper place and screwing the cap on the milk jug tighter.

You also made sure to keep an eye on Jisoo just in case she decided to booby trap the place. At this point you wouldnt put it pass her.

Ryland came bouncing into the kitchen excitedly, "What did you make for dinner tonight, mommy? You got my text about the Bae-Park's dietary restrictions right?"

Despite being the second oldest, Ryland still called you 'mommy' occasionally. Especially, when she was excited or wanted something.

"Yes. Suzy and Jackson are allergic to peanuts and Taylor won't eat anything with a face. We'll see how long that lasts because you're a carnivore like your mom. And I passed it along to Lia because she cooked." You fussed around the kitchen. Dusting and swatting at imaginary dust.

"But what if mama convinced Lia to poison Chaeyoung?!"

You rolled your eyes. Did your daughter really think her mother would do something like that? Or better question. Did she really think you would let her mother do something like that?

"Jisoo has been here all day and I have her phone. I talked with Lia about everyone's needs and she made something suitable for everyone. Everything is going to be okay. Calm down, baby."

Ryland pouted, "How do you know if Chaeyoung has any restrictions? I didn't text you about her."

"We dated, remember?"

"No. I wasn't there."

"...Everything is going to be okay. Now, get out of my kitchen and set the dining room table. You might have to bring some more chairs in from the garage."

Ryland nodded.

~•~

Jisoo stared at her wife with a partially unreadable expression on her face.

She had been tricked into this. Bribed, if you will. Maybe even conned.

Sure, she was more or less fine with Taylor dating her daughter, but she wasn't really fine with spending more than an hour in a room with one of the only other people on the planet who knows what her wife looks like naked.

Great.

Her wife looks great naked. And Park Chaeyoung knew that.

She was doing her best to hide her blatant jealousy and anger but Jisoo wasn't an oscar winning actress for a reason.

"Are you getting all primped up for me or for her?" It sort of just slipped out. You had been putting on makeup for the past hour and Jisoo couldn't help but wonder.

You had never rolled your eyes harder in your life, "I'm not about to start this with you."

"You're avoiding the question."

"Because you should know the answer by now."

"For me?"

You put the finishing touches on your dark tinted red lip. Smacking them dramatically, then placing the tube of lipstick back onto the vanity.

You turned toward Jisoo with a smirk, "Oh no. For me."

Jisoo could only watch you walk out the door and into the main living area of the house.

Jisoo would try to keep the snarkiness to a minimum. If only because she's sure if she doesn't she'll never get to see your great nakedness again.

~•~

Dinner, to everyone's surprise, isn't that awkward. Probably due to the fact that Taylor easily dominated the conversation, you're a bit preoccupied with fussing over Kaleb, and Jisoo has had a full glass of red wine.

"Tay tay! How did your parents react to you telling them Ryland was your mate? Did they throw a tantrum like mama did?" Peyton asked, her mischievous smile poorly hidden behind her glass of lemonade.

Sometimes, you think Peyton forgets she still lives with you unlike her older siblings and can most definitely still be grounded. You had to resort to your signature glare, but it did the trick as Peyton slumped into her chair, thoroughly frightened.

Taylor looked confused at the question. Peyton knew the answer. They're literally best friends. She was the first one she told.

"No. Mom just mumbled that it probably made sense and then I went to go play soccer."

Ryland smiled lovingly across the table at Taylor. Lia made a gagging sound.

You thanked whatever being was listening that Peyton's chaos energy hadn't prevailed. If you thought, Ryland was your demon child while you were pregnant with her, you surely hadn't seen anything yet.

"Okay, why don't all of you kids, go do whatever it is you do in the livingroom. Mom doesn't need you to see her scarf down an entire bottle of merlot in one gulp." You mumbled that last part under your breath.

Everyone but Lia left the table, happy to be excused.

You stared at her blankly.

"I'm 22."

You're not exactly sure why but your patience is wearing thin quickly.

"Did I ask how old you were?"

"No, ma'am. Excuse me." She bowed her head dramatically before grabbing Kaleb and scurrying from the table.

"Kids. So....interesting." Chaeyoung said in an attempt to break the silence.

"Yeah. I keep telling myself that my reward for not killing them are future grandchildren. Well, actually. I'm already terrified of whatever Peyton procreates."

Both Chaeyoung and Suzy laugh at your joke.

"So, how'd you two meet?" Jisoo asked inbetween sips of her wine. She wasn't even looking in Chaeyoung and Suzy's direction, if only because it was sort of hard to peer around you in their positions.

You tried to listen for answers, you really did, but your reasoning for the irritability comes to light. You're sweating and almost slumped over into Jisoo, but you somehow managed to keep yourself upright.

Jisoo and Chaeyoung's eyes snapped to you at the same time. And the last time you felt this much dread, was when you found out that Jisoo and Chaeyoung found out about each other.

It's almost like you see Chaeyoung's mouth move in slow motion. You will her not to say anything, just let you silently excuse yourself from the table and take your suppressants, but no. Things were never easy when it came to Chaeyoung and Jisoo.

Chaeyoung offhandedly mumbled "That's familiar." She doesn't really mean anything by it. You knew that, hell even Suzy knew that.

But you can see the glass in Jisoo's hand start to shake.

"What did you just say?"

"Huh? Oh nothing. I didn't mean anything by it, Jisoo. I swear."

"Chu...let it go." You do your best to calm her down with a light touch to her thigh.

"It's no big deal. It was stupid I shouldn't have said it."

"You fucking my wife isn't a big deal?"

"Jisoo! What the hell?" You stared at your alpha who seemed to be looking right through you to Chaeyoung. The pent up anger in her eyes was quite astonishing.

"What's your problem, Jisoo? It's been years and the only one who still fucking cares is you." Chaeyoung said with a shake of her head.

"My problem is you."

Chaeyoung rolled her eyes, "I'm married with two beautiful kids. I don't want y/n and she doesn't want me. Grow up."

Chaeyoung gathered her belongings and gestured for her wife to follow her. Suzy did so reluctantly, she shot a glance of sympathy toward you but otherwise didn't say anything.

The family left, two confused children in tow.

You swallowed harshly, it was surprisingly easy to fight off your heat instincts considering you wanted very little to do with the person that's supposed to help you through that.

"Well. Congratulations."

Jisoo's brows furrowed, not in the least bit surprised when you dont elaborate.

You got up from the table without a word. You headed to the livingroom and poked your head in, "Peyton, do you mind cleaning up the table. You don't have to do the dishes, just put them in the sink. Thank you." Abigail and Ryland stared after you.

Peyton set about doing the task without any fan fare.

You then hurried into your bedroom. Wiping at your eyes and your makeup.

You knew Jisoo had followed you. Probably wanting an explanation about what you said.

"Why can't you just let it go? It's been twenty years. You said you were over it, but every time you're even slightly reminded you blow up. You know how sorry I am but it feels like I'm still being punished."

"You slept with her. You're mine and you slept with her." Jisoo looked at you like she didn't understand how you didn't get that.

"I'm yours now. I wasn't back then. Even if you imprinted on me I wasn't your mate. I wasn't even your girlfriend. I didn't cheat on you. Why does everything I did have to be some slight against you?"

Jisoo huffed, "You knew I loved you. You led me on you made me think that it was only me. That you were only going to choose me."

"What did I ever say to make you think that? Was marrying you not enough? Is being your mate not enough? Those three beautiful babies not enough?"

"We have four kids."

"Oh, hop off it. You know that's not what I meant."

Jisoo doesn't say anything further. She only stares at some point passed your head.

"Am I not enough for you, Jisoo? Because I don't know what else I can give you. I gave you my life, my love, my womb. But it's still not enough for you. What else do you want from me?!" You tried not to raise your voice too much, but it was sort of a hard feat to accomplish around your tears.

"To go back in time and not sleep with her. To say she never meant anything to you."

"Oh. You want the impossible." You nodded slowly, not agreeing in the slightest. But you got it now.

"Say it."

"You know I can't."

"Say it, y/n."

"We told each other that we would never lie to each other, and I'll be damned if I start now."

"...Then tell me to leave."

"Jisoo."

"I need to go, but I can't do it unless you tell me to."

You choked on a sob, "Fine. Go. Just know, if you walk out of that front door everything that I have said tonight, will be proven right."

That got Jisoo to hesitate. To rethink breifly. But the alpha is telling her to go before she does something she really regrets. So, she leaves. And the pain that encompasses her heart is nothing like she had ever felt in her life.

You heard the door slam shut and with it, Peyton walked into the room. You pretend that you dont see the tears in each other's eyes, "Mommy?" Her omega is calling out to yours, probably more than she realized.

She's technically a pup and she needs comfort, so even though you felt like curling up into a ball and dying you give it to her.

She practically falls into your lap and she sniffled. Your and Jisoo's bond isn't broken by any means, but even the children can tell there's something not quite right.

"I didn't mean for you to hear that, baby girl."

"Are you two going to be okay? I've never seen mama that mad before."

And that question coming from her daughter seemed to hurt the most, "I hope so, Pey. I hope so."

[calumcest]

hello i don't have time to answer your messages today bc i have to go watch umbrella academy with my dad now i'm very sorry but i heard soulmate au drabbles & i need them. i miss luke being bitchy so much it's insane (not that i'm not loving all the britpop content but soulmate lashton are my life) okay so i can't decide between 'it's freezing in here' & 'i don't want to talk about it' so please write whatever you want with either of those just please make it soulmate lashton -spoiler twin

omg i hope u enjoyed umbrella academy! also dont worry about it omg no stress get to it when u get to it theres never any pressure from me god knows itd be hypocritical anyway given how terrible i am at responding to messages but i get it no pressure x 

-

Of course, it stands to reason that the first time Clifford goes missing is while Luke’s in London with Ashton. 

He’s not even sure how it happens. One minute Clifford’s in Luke’s line of vision, barking happily as he chases a squirrel and then changes his mind and chases his own tail instead, and then Ashton’s calling Luke, making Luke turn around on instinct, only to see Ashton tapping his watch to indicate they need to get going if they’re going to make it to their next interview with the researchers, and when he turns back, Clifford’s gone. 

It doesn’t immediately register, because Clifford bounds about like a fucking madman anyway, so Luke just searches the area a little lazily, eyes flicking from tree to bush to path to tree, but when he’s covered about three-quarters of the patch of grass in front of them, he’s frowning, stepping forward as he twists left to right, panic rising in his chest as he realises shit, shit, Clifford’s not there. 

“Shit,” he mutters, and looks over to the tree Clifford had been playing near, just in case he’d somehow managed to miss him, but the only dog there is a huge Samoyed ambling lazily around its base. 

“Luke,” Ashton calls again, and Luke feels a sudden stab of anger so strong that it makes his vision blur, mixing with the panic to create a hot mixture of fury that tries to claw its way up his throat and onto his tongue. God, if Ashton hadn’t called his name just to tell him they need to leave, this wouldn’t have happened. He couldn’t’ve just fucking said Luke, we need to go like a normal person, could he? No, the fucking narcissist needed Luke to be looking at him, needed to be the centre of Luke’s attention. Fucking hell. 

Luke grits his teeth as he jogs past the tree the Samoyed’s sniffing around, not even catching its attention as he passes, and looks wildly around the open, empty space on the other side. There’s a couple walking their Labrador to his left, three children playing football on his right, a mother exasperatedly dragging her screaming child away from a puddle he clearly wants to play in, but no tiny, yappy dog bounding around, chasing birds or squirrels or other dogs. 

Shit. 

Shit.

He can’t have lost Clifford. He can’t have. Not in London, especially, thousands and thousands of miles from home and Michael and Calum with only Ashton for company. God, he’d rather be alone, he thinks, as he turns back around and looks back over at the tree a little desperately, like his memory of Clifford trotting around it will make him re-materialise there, somehow. It doesn’t, though, unless Clifford re-materialises as a huge, fluffy white dog, and Luke swears under his breath as his heart hammers in his chest, fists clenching and unclenching at his side as his gaze flits from left to right and back again, hazy around the edges with panic. 

He doesn’t even know how to look for a missing dog. Posters, sure, but where? London’s huge, and Clifford could be fucking anywhere by now, full of endless energy and curiosity and an insatiable desire to explore streets he’s never been down before. He’s far too friendly for his own good, too, always yaps at Ashton’s feet in that way that means I want to be picked up right now and by you specifically, fuck the guy who buys me food and toys and cuddles me at night, and a vision of Clifford sat at someone else’s feet at dinner, blinking up at them beseechingly while they shovel chicken into their mouth hits Luke so hard it almost gives him whiplash, makes him swallow back bile. 

What’s he going to say to Ashton? I lost my dog in the three seconds I looked away from him? Ashton’s had Spot for years, had Ralph and Evie before her, too, and he’s never lost any of his dogs. Luke’s going to look completely incompetent, fucking hell. It doesn’t matter, though, really, he tells himself - at least, not yet, won’t matter until Clifford’s back with him and safe again. 

He takes a deep breath and clenches his fists again, inhales deeply and exhales heavily, trying to let the desire to throttle Ashton leave with the air in his lungs, and then marches stiffly back around the tree, rehearsing what he’s going to say to Ashton. You cunt, Clifford ran away while you were- no, too angry. Clifford’s run awa- no, too matter-of-fact, makes it sound like it’s a common occurrence. I need to find Clifford, maybe? That’s vague enough, isn’t it? Yeah, that’ll do; he can send Ashton off to the interview and let him make their excuses while he combs the park looking for Clifford. After all, it’s Ashton’s fucking fault Clifford’s got lost, isn’t it? The least the fucker can do is come up with an excuse for Luke’s absence.

Luke takes another deep breath, rounds the corner and plays the words over and over again in his head, trying to make sure they’re practiced enough to sound real, eyes searching for Ashton. He spots him waiting by the gate leading out of the park, looking aimlessly around as he stands lazily, shifting from foot to foot, arms at his side, dog between his legs- 

Dog between his legs. 

Clifford’s right there, nestled happily between Ashton’s legs, gazing aimlessly around the park with his tongue hanging out and his tail wagging. He looks serene, that calm happiness that he usually only gets with Luke, and it makes Luke furious for some reason, makes him jog over to Ashton with an expression that makes Ashton frown at him as soon as he sees him coming. 

“What?” Ashton asks, puzzled, brows drawn over hazel eyes. Luke swallows, trying not to think about the way Ashton’s lashes are casting tiny shadows on the smooth skin of his cheekbones. He still wants to throttle him. 

“Nothing,” he says tightly, and yanks Clifford’s lead out of Ashton’s hand without so much as a thank you, relief flooding his veins so fast and hard that he barely even notices the way his fingers tingle as they make contact with Ashton’s skin. 

“What happened?” Ashton sounds genuinely concerned, like maybe Luke had been mugged while he’d been running wildly around the field - Jesus, Luke thinks, with a tiny grimace; he must have looked fucking insane to Ashton. 

“Nothing,” Luke snaps, and winds Clifford’s lead around his hand a few times, making sure he can’t stray further than a foot from Luke’s heels. Clifford glares up at him, like he knows what Luke’s doing and resents him for restricting his freedom, but doesn’t bark about it, which is something. 

“Are you okay?” Ashton asks, and his voice is a little softer now, tinged with the sort of gentle concern that Luke only ever hears from Calum to Michael. It makes Luke’s stomach lurch, somehow, the way he associates that tone with Calum and Michael, and he nods curtly, and looks away from Ashton.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Luke says, letting all the anger and frustration leak into his voice to hide the slight edge of fear, and Ashton bites his lip but nods, and steps away. 

“Alright,” he says, and that’s it. He doesn’t push, he doesn’t nudge, he doesn’t wheedle, he doesn’t force it out of Luke, he just steps back, steps away, and respects Luke’s space. A wave of guilt washes over Luke at that - it hadn’t really been Ashton’s fault, had it? - but he stares steadfastly ahead of him as he reaches for the gate and pulls it open with a little more force than strictly necessary. Ashton lets him go through first, lets him tug on Clifford’s lead and pull him through too, before walking behind him, closing the gate and falling into step a metre or two away from Luke, giving him the space he needs. 

They walk in silence for a while, Ashton ambling alongside Luke as he tries to focus on his ebbing anger, trying to dredge it back to the forefront of his heart so he won’t have to think about the guilt that’s quietly but insistently making a home in it. Loath though he is to admit it to himself, Luke has to concede that it wouldn’t have been Ashton’s fault if Clifford had run away. And it’s not Ashton’s fault that Clifford had run to him instead of Luke, that he’s happy and calm with him in the same way he is with Luke, but it doesn’t stop the tired anger spiking in Luke’s veins a little when he thinks about it, furious at the idea that Clifford could possibly like Ashton. But it’s not Ashton’s fault. 

Luke doesn’t say anything, can’t bring himself to apologise for his bad mood and his unwarranted snappiness, but by the time they arrive at the interview, still not having spoken a word, he realises that the gap between himself and Ashton has narrowed to all of a few centimetres, his hand brushing against Ashton’s every so often as they walk, and he can’t remember whether it had been him or Ashton who had closed the gap.

(It doesn’t really matter, though, he realises with a jolt, because either way, he’d allowed it to happen.)

[patientfocusly]

major canon divergences 

( i don’t expect anyone to read this because it’s a lot lmao. this is more so for me to have a reference because i forget things about my own muse / canon rip. if we’re rping together we’re probably also talking ooc so anything important from this post will be mentioned to you at some point. )

( please note that by canon, i’m referring to my general main verse which includes no interactions with other muses. each interaction with a muse is put into its own verse. new interactions can come into the main verse at any point of the timeline and then diverge from that point. )

does not marry curtis. they noticed each other because they worked closely as part of the atlas crew and maybe if the time and place were different there might’ve been a chance for them to get to know each other and form something but for shiro, there is a lot weighing on his mind that he needs to wade through

( a ) shiro has been thru Sum shit and he has an endless list of reasons to be sad but i just want to make it known that shiro’s no. 1 source of guilt and just general mind-anguish is the fact that he is living in a borrowed body, that he took from someone who had to die for him to live. 

( b ) at this stage he is also coming in touch with his feeling for keith which have been with him for a while, so even if he was aware of other potential interests . . . he’s not actually interested back.

adam is alive. he was critically injured in the first wave of attack by sendak and recovered enough only to provide ground support for the second wave. he remains an officer of the garrison and heads training and recruitment. he does not fly again. he’s happily married and reaches out to shiro. they’re amicable, but not close friends. maybe eventually they will be. ( this will obviously not be the case if i’m writing with an adam. )

allura is alive – i need to rewatch the end of season 8 to figure out how, but she’s alive.

after a year or so of captaining the atlas, the need for atlas to be an offensive military ship decreases and shiro consults sam and pidge for their thoughts on deweaponising his prosthesis. The new arm is still powered by allura’s crystal but looks more similar to the galra arm ( except it starts at the shoulder since his bicep??? disappeared magically ), but it’s coloured white and light grey, and the lit up areas are aqua ( same as the crystal. )

speaking of the crystal . . .  the original arm was designed to operate via a balmera crystal, because that’s what most of altean designs are based off of. however they didn’t have a crystal to use, and sam says the remaining energy required for the armto work would be drawn from shiro’s own electromagnetic field. he tries it for the first time and . . . his body rejects it, in what looks like an incredibly painful and potentially fatal way, if it hadn’t been for allura stepping in and replacing the original energy source for the arm with the crystal from her tiara. we don’t ever find out why shiro’s body rejected the first energy source but here are 2 theories:

( a ) shiro’s body is actually kuron’s body, a clone, manufactured by haggar, using ~space science~ and likely some form of quintessence. the electro magnetic field coming off of the clone’s body would vary to that of a human’s, which is what sam would’ve based his calculations on. balmera crystals have incredible properties that aren’t really explained in great detail but we know how powerful they can be, regardless of size. 

( b ) because it’s kuron’s body, maybe the connection to haggar didn’t completely shut off when keith cut off the arm. that flash that happens when the arm connects and shiro’s body starts rejecting it is very similar to the flash that happens when haggar starts controlling kuron earlier ( better explained in this headcanon piece. ) my only issue with this headcanon is that it implies haggar may still have some degree of control over shiro, and I just………….it’s been so overused, i just don’t want that for shiro anymore, so i’m most likely sticking to theory a !!!!!

still on the subject of the crystal, let’s talk about what shiro says after allura places the balmera crystal in his arm ; “i feel strange . . . i feel – great !” strange, as in he’s feeling something he’s never quite felt before. this is in contrast to what he feels when the first energy source is used in his arm ; “i feel . . . good,” but he sounds hesitant, like he doesn’t feel good at all, and obviously we see why moments afterwards. the great part is emphasised. he almost seems excited, like he really does feel great, and the scene cuts off with him trialling his arm by making a fist, and smiling. again, the properties of the crystals are pretty much undefined, but they are an immense source of power – what allura’s tiara contains is likely more than enough required to power shiro’s arm, and going back to how allura operated the castleship, and how shiro is able to operate the atlas, i’m loosely headcanoning that the crystal acts as a link between “captain” and “ship”, though obviously, allura herself channels quintessence and has so much more capabilities as a “captain.” 

what does the crystal providing an energy source for not only the new prosthesis, but also shiro’s body mean for shiro? an external boost of energy and human-compatible quintessence is probably the first dose of anything resembling treatment shiro has had since the kerberos mission. i don’t see the balmera crystal nor altean healing pods having the power to edit genes but as far as healing goes, it must have some effect in alleviating pain and / or fatigue for shiro to exclaim, “i feel great !”

( a ) sometimes it’s difficult to write in a universe set in the future because things of our current reality ( social injustices, shit politics, technological limitations etc. ) may not be a reality say 100 years in the future, and add space and alien technology to the mix and you’re sort of left with a lot of potential for creation and imagination and progression but also hindered by the reality of present day and representing present day. i wouldn’t want to “magic” away shiro’s disease or magically come up with a cure, but at the same time i don’t want to take away the possibility for him to be potentially cured ( which is what the “i feel great !” line hints towards ) just because of the limitations of today ???????? i’m just having an inner conflict over this - i will update what i decide when i decide !! 

major fanon divergences

does not qualify as space dad. it simultaneously infantilises the other paladins and takes away from their own journeys of being forced to grow up too quickly and take on the responsibility of fighting in a war, and puts undue stress on shiro who is only ~25 himself responsible for his team only in the role of their commanding officer at best

his prosthetic arm is not a sex toy, it’s a prosthesis ( refer to this post on arm related bed time activities )

shiro did not have a romantic connection with keith pre-kerberos. if anything the earliest signs of anything resembling a romantic connection would be late into season 2, but that is pending heavy plotting

shiro came from a happy family . . . he just lost almost all of it very early on. he grew up loved even though he learnt about loss too quickly ( please refer to this headcanon. )

shiro cannot sing lol . . . i dont know where this headcanon came from, but it’s sticking

i think it’s popular headcanon for shiro to have a little sister, or a big family; i wrote his backstory with his older sister before i came across this, so i’m sticking to my original headcanon because his bond with his sister is so strongly formed in my head  

shiro is not afraid of death . . . but he doesn’t want to die. i feel like his relationship with death needs its own post but the tl;dr version of it is that he had a timer put on his life when he was around 17 years old. life goes from seemingly endless to suddenly very very short ( not just in the sense that his lifespan is predicted to be shorter, but that his body will soon restrict him in movement and opportunity. ) and then kerberos happens, and the arena happens, and voltron and zarkon and he’s reminded that life is short regardless of whether they give you a timer at 17. any moment could be his last and shiro has had a long time to come to terms with this. it makes him incredibly grateful for the present, and of what he’s had in the past. it also is potentially why he prioritises a mission that will take him to see the stars, over a relationship with adam ten years down the track.

if anyone makes it this far . . . ur the real mvp, thank u for reading my brain ramblings <3

[currentfandomkick]

Bio! Dad Strange part 8

This is just a bunch of random things that amuse me from this au, i will try to keep them in a coherent order but no gaurantees.

Everyone in Marinette’s friend group (Max, Kim, Alix, Nino, Sabrina and (somehow) Chloe) has at least one color unique to them, some with a secondary or pattern, to show that they are psuedo-family.

Chloe mentioned the idea after listening to Adrikins go on about anime magic girls and go off on Sailor Moon for too many days.

The group starts it as a joke—if you dont wear your color, you are mad at someone in the group enough to disown them. Wearing someone else’s color meant you saw them as really close compred to the others. Wearing all of the colors meant you felt very loved by the group and are proud damnit!

Chloe picked yellow, and added stripes as her pattern just incase they added another yellow later.

Sabrina demanded purple and argyle patterns as hers. Why? “Purple is mystery i will solve them all!”

Max picked green and decided collared shirts were his domain. Sabrina and him foght over this sometimes, as ‘no we both like this, Not eachother.’

Kim called Red and yellow, since he likes chlow he called her color as his secondary.

Sabrina picked up on the meaning and so did Nino. It didnt register for Marinette, Nino and Max.

Chloe claims this is why she wanted a pattern too.

Alix demands black as her color, despite Max’s protests that no, black is not a color. Alix says she’s all the colors as black, and picked stripes as her pattern like Chloe. Alix has her stripes as knit fingerless gloves, while Chloe wears hers as a shirt.

Nino call blue, and specified his hat as proof of friendship. When he is mad at them he doesnt wear it and everyone assumes a war is going on between him and someone. He forgot it one day and everyone was worried.

Marinette kicks kim and says she wanted Red. In the end she agree to either red or oink—depending on whatever rules her parents made about her wearing any color too much. She picked her signiture flower design as her pattern.

Why is this important?

Becuase now whenever any of them dont wear one if these colors or patterns visibly, it means someone did something and the school intervenes.

So the day Marinette came in early with a too big faded red hoodie and Kim was late without his red on, there was Tension.

He chases Marinette to get his hoodie back. She refuses, dodging and weaving until he ends up in the art class and Oh.

Marinette chucks a better red hoodie sweatshirt at him while saying “this should stop the shippers!”

No one but Chloe and Sabrina knew what that meant. Both were embarassed. They mentioend people thought Kim was crushing on her since his hoodie was getting pinker, and she did wear a lot of faded reds and pinks.

It did not stop the shippers. Only made them swap from romantic ship to ‘oh god these are destructive sibling cinnamon rolls’.

Becuase kim almost crying while tackling Marinette in a hug, in public, while Marinette goes off on him having bà’s hearing and squirming to escape and start another game of chase?

Intense ‘dorky brother loves his new sister who wants to play not be mushy in public’ energy that no one was stopping.

—

For those wondering, yes these kids have group sleepovers—boy’s night, girl’s night and ‘everyone night’ usually at Marinette or Chloe’s for the everyones. Yes, these are weekly.

—

Chat noir keeps trying to claim Marinette’s room as his part of the miraculous team’s base.

In this au both he and Ladybug have chosen weilders for various miraculous. They are partners but do lead two teams—Marinette’s focused on support, civlians, and strategy and his focused on combating akumas.

Due to this, Ladybug has a team she oversees, and Chat has a team he oversees.

Fu uses this to decide which would make the better gaurdian, as he trains them both here.

Marinette regrets being the only weilder Tikki approves of weilding her due to how the Cure works is people died. Marinette has to relive their death and decide if they should come back or not (was it too truamatic to go on after living it herself? Did they want to live? Questions like that are hers to answer). She is happy to share her job as Ladybug with other ladybug weilders, but is the only one who can cast the cure if there’s death involved.

Adrien is known to not be a perfect fit for the Black Cat, and he agrees that if a better cat comes along, he will give up his role as Chat Noir but not as a member of the team. Fu admits to him he’s a peacock more than cat early on, and while adrien loves plagg—that’s his cat-god-dad—he knows as a guardian trainee he has to do what’s best for the kwami and Paris. He agrees to training potential cats as Aspik until they can find, reclaim and fix the peacock.

Identities of Ladybug and Chat Noir are kept from each other to prevent them being an easy target for the Hawkmoth in this au. Others can know, but unless they weild a miraculous its dangerous given Nooroo’s weilder is their foe. Also name drops can be a thing and its bad all over.

Marinette is insistent on the secret identities being kept as she doesnt want to compromise her identity as a civilian that is not a meta when Ladybug is a known meta. The Miraculous she’s iffy on, and Tikki admits thst if they werent facing Nooroo, it was normal for all weilders to know eachother’s identites for covers and alibis and such.

Chat is upset about this until she mentions how metas are treated and her being out as a meta as ladybug but not as a civilian and why. Then he’s pissed at the govenrment and starts helping out at protests and crashes anti-meta rallies in Paris on Ladybug’s behalf, and points out that if it wasnt for a tiny meta none of them would be alive after syrenx, so shut up. He accepts her stance and only asks if he can tell her his identity when hawkmoth is done for.

Marinette agrees to post-hawkmoth reveal between them. Their teams hate that only the bugs and cats cant know each other’s identities as bugs and cats. Miraculouses are swapped like candy here, so you may know one hero is also another hero but not civlilin id or vice-versa

Yeah, writer salt here rather than character salt. Especially to how the characters were treated.

—

On Marinette’s powers, she does have them escalate as she grows and doesnt use her treatments. She takes her meds to prevent this as she’s already scared if her abilities when she leaves them unchecked for too long.

Her treatment is mircodosing kryptonite to keep the kryptonian part from taking over completely. She has all the abilities only when she’s more kryptonian than human cells at the time. Kryptonian cells multiply faster which is why she heals faster.

Max is the only one that she knows knows about her powers in Paris.

Sabine is implied to have an inkling but she ignores her own inkling often. Marinette thinks her mom is pretending she doesnt have powers.

Tom does notice but has no idea how to help, so he’s a cheerleader dad and helps her hide damage sometimes. They have a pact that they dont talk about the time she flipped him, and he fixes whatever she broke, no questions asked.

—

Side thing but when the miraculous come into play, warning that i will use character non-hero name for what they’re thinking and saying, while their hero-name is for what they are phsycially doing, as some will change mid-fight.

—

Hey i know this wasnt the expected update, but its more idk how to do Jason as Red Hood finding Marinette again.

First option is he was hunting strange, saw a picture of her on his desk and she calls strange asking about jow she should keep hiding since the restrictions just got worse on metas and she’s scared and ‘are you sure i cant just stay in Gotham? I...i dont feel safe here anymore’ and then Jason going on a Quest to find her in Paris, weird-happy reunion, and he goes back to Paris to live with Strange and work on things as Red Hood where Marinette can’t—mainly ground work. She helps him coordiante with the batfam via Tim, and handles gang attack coordination between Gotham Police, Batfam, Jason and RKC. Zsasz calls Jason his apprentice and trains him on hitman etiquette, guns, and yes, his signature form of ‘conditonal promises’. He was given League of Assassin Training, just cant recall it actively (talia gets memory magic becuase i said so. Blocked it until it would be safe for Jason to process here). He does not go to school, he just tracks down who he wants and ensures they cant hurt people. Is a bit obsessed with this when Marinette and Rose dont stop him by force.

Second Option is they both are targetting the same gang and their bust night is the same. Marinette helps him out in her Harley knock-off outfit (new and improved) while she evacuates the girls making the drugs, and Jason is just hunting dealers to find the drug den, finds a small girl dangling a major drug dealer, while Rose is there with the others tied up in plants. He gets caught by Rose, who recognizes his mark. He doesnt remember much about who he was as Robin, mostly as Red hoodie and is so confused. Marinette claims him as her brother and from there Rose takes on a new brother, dumps him on Strange as ‘i am many things, but i dont think i can handle memory loss and whatever happened to him. You do, so fix it.’ Strange winds up adopting him and Tom and Sabine encouraging him to add them as legal gaurdians. Here Jason is listed then on as Tod J. Smith—he cant remember his name in the right order so that’s what he got. His red hood outfit is revamped by Marinette, who coordinates his attacks on gangs with Batman’s, Gotham Police’s, and the RKC’s attempts at gang busts to maximize gang minimization. Somehow Joker starts helping J as a fellow J-J in Marinette’s life, with Zsasz claiming Jason as his apprentice. He does remember the League Training, but isnt sure if he was Robin and if he could be again if he was given that he was a their and kills the worst of the worst (mostly) of his own volition. Here is does go to school in Gotham.

In both Gina kidnaps him for chrismas with the family like she does with Strange. In Both he’s a teen still (hasnt aged since the Pit) and it takes Marinette and Tikki working together so he can later on (maybe? Idk on that point)

Comment which option you like better, becuase i cant choose.

And yes, rogues will be involved again soon.

@ilovefluffbutsmutisalsogreat @dast218 @weird-pale-blonde-person @mystery-5-5

[youdreamincolour]

i just need to vent

i honestly dont know if i was being stupid or if i was being led on by the guy i liked

i don't want to come across incel-y (bc i don't think that bc i was nice to him i deserve something in return) but im just so angry at this whole situation. the way he spoke to me and the things we talked about dont just seem like 2 people who were just friends. we'd talk about what we wanted out of relationships and like really sexual stuff too. also he constantly complimented me, calling me stunning and gorgeous when I posted a selfie, and he seemed very appreciative when I said he looked good and how I liked seeing his face bc I missed him. he also mentioned that red heads were just his type, how me liking metal made me the perfect woman, and shit like that. how the fuck did he think that came across? sending me music and videos because they made him think about me. sending me flirty memes. like what the hell I am supposed to think? we’d stay up late on discord calls and just talk about everything and nothing, it just felt easy.

we really opened up to each other, and he made me feel safe. like we talked about our mental health and our past traumas. he gave me this kind of security and comfort that ive never had with anyone else.

i feel like i just ignored every red flag. like he said that all his ex’s were psychos and other shit that didnt really sit right with me. but i just ignored it all because i really liked him.

and the other major problem is that my friend also told him she likes him and he likes her back. I've know her since the start of uni, so like 6 years, and I've never known her to be interested in anyone, like she said she was aromantic before, so has he played her too to get what he wants? like the 2 of us are pretty inexperienced when it comes to relationships, so was he taking advantage of that? I just don't know. like I don't want her to get hurt, idk if he told her what I said but I feel like I can't say anything to her bc I'll come across as a bitter bitch who got turned down. ugh. I just don't want to see her get hurt. I care about her too much to hurt her, but I don't want him to hurt her either.

another thing i dont get is that he would openly flirt with me in front of her too. like the 3 of us were playing red dead online last week, we were fucking about and playing with the lassos, and he made a comment about how he’d like to be tied up by me. and at another point we were hunting, so we were crouched and my characters arse was in his face, and he commented on it, and i said “you love it though”, and said “definitely”. like how am i supposed to take that?

also back in september our friend group went camping (this was when lock down restrictions were lifted so we werent breaking any rules) the two of us ended up having a tickle fight (which got pretty intense and i felt like it would have gone further if the others werent there.) And then afterwards when the 2 of us were out of energy we just lay there curled up in each other just talking about absolute shit bc everyone else had fallen asleep. When we settled down to sleep we were still curled in each other. He also made a comment about the noises i made while being tickled, that he was going to store it away for future reference. like what the fuck is that meant to mean if he wasnt interested??????????

i just feel so stupid, did he take me for an idiot or was i just seeing shit that wasnt there?

sorry this is a fucking essay but i needed to get this out. and i just wish i could speak to someone about but obviously i cant talk to my friend about it bc i dont want to hurt her. and i cant speak to our other friend about bc we only became good friends after we went on a date together. and i dont want to put this on him bc it doesnt seem fair ughh.

fuck me jfc

[elizawright]

My experience with Aspergers

OCD and Anorexia 2/2:

Right now the painful part, this is probably the most difficult to talk about because it’s still so fresh and still very much active in my daily life. My Anorexia story I would say officially began around December 2018 however as I’ve mentioned before I’ve always struggled with eating. It started as just being a very fussy kid, in my early teen years I used to obsessive compulsively diet extremely strictly for periods of time. I think this in itself could be considered Anorexia or at least I was at the very edge of being. A year later I would completely 180, over eat and put on a lot of weight. A year later from that I would once again strictly diet this time making myself throw up if i “over ate” in my mind or ate something “bad”. I distinctly remember being 14 on holiday in Florida. My family kept encouraging me to eat fruit loops for breakfast (I would only eat bran flakes) and of course I desperately wanted to but it was very scary to me. So I did eat them one day and being 14 and uneducated on food I had a panic. Though I was panicking I didn’t ever tell anyone Insted I hid away, found a toilet and forced myself to throw up. Now this is years before I was officially diagnosed with an eating disorder but to me, this doesn’t seem healthy. Looking back I feel quite sorry for little me feeling I had to hide away and be sneaky, I wish I had told my mum how I was feeling, but I didn’t. Anyway, back to my official timeline. So 2018 was the year I did my gcses, it was a different year, I was so focused on my studies I began to over eat as a coping mechanism, this caused me to put on quite a bit of weight. Now I was never really fat but i was overweight, I would guess 13 stone (to put in comparison, when diagnosed with anorexia 6 months later I was 7 stone something, that’s a loss of 5 stone). In November that year I got my lovely boyfriend. When we first started dating I felt quite ashamed that I weighed more than him. Of course he didn’t care, I don’t think he even ever thought of it, he just liked me for me, but the intrusive thoughts which are oh so common to me told me otherwise. I began to notice in the morning my belly looked it’s flattest which I figured was because I hadn’t put any food in my stomach making it bloat so I began not eating in the mornings. If I was going to see my boyfriend who obviously as a young teen at the start of a relationship I wanted to impress I wouldn’t eat. I wouldn’t eat while I was around him then as soon as I got home I would eat as normal. This is where it all began. My boyfriend used to recall to my mom “she never eats breakfast and never eats at my house! I try and feed her but she just won’t eat.”

So like I said life carried on like this for a few months, I didn’t loose a massive amount of weight, maybe half a stone, but things changed drastically after a holiday to Egypt. On the first day I was struggling and obsessing over my appearance as usual, obsessing over every roll I could see. Looking back now I looked great! I had big boobs and hips, but at the time I didn’t see any of that all I saw was fat. Well the next day after this I caught a really bad case of the flu. I was bed ridden for the entire rest of the week barely well enough to get home. As we were in Egypt we had no way of getting any medication at all not even paracetamol so I was completely wiped out, it was the worst illness I’ve ever faced were literally everything that could happen, happened. Now because of this I didn’t eat for the entire week.

Once I arrived home and I began the process of analysis of my body as per usual I noticed I had lost weight. I put two and two together realising a week of not eating made me really quickly drop a ton of weight. The cogs began turning and I told myself the short amount of pain (being the hunger) my future self would thank me for. So I began restricting. Using the bike analogy it began at a quick pace but slowly got faster and faster. Soon I was eating no more than 400 calories a day, anymore than that and I would get depressed and anxious and stressed (for comparison the average women needs 2000 calories a day just to maintain weight) I was terrified of nearly all foods. Butter, bread, literally everything I can think of. I weighed out everything out to the T never eating a full packet of something. Which if I’m honest, I still do weigh everything, I also still count calories obsessively. This is what I mean by I’m not fully recovered I’m a lot better, but still suffering and fighting.

Now at this point my mental and physical health began to really suffer. I was normally really good at school getting outstanding grades in gcses but now with a levels I wasn’t able to get work completed or done, I couldn’t concentrate, I would fall asleep in class because I was tierd constantly, I wasn’t my normal talkative enthusiastic self because I was so drained of all energy I’m honestly so shocked my teachers didn’t make more of an effort to help me. I remember one time a teacher telling me I looked very ill and pale so forced me to eat a banana they had brought for their own lunch which was a struggle for me to do. Luckily for me a teacher i still dont know reported to the head of sixthform about being worried for me. They had been gone 3 months and within coming back had noticed the drastic change in weight I had had. It goes to show how much weight I lost as I was always wearing baggy clothes to hide it and she still noticed. Now that I’m mentioning it all my clothes were massively oversized because I no longer fit my entire wardrobe. I would try and wear stuff like leggings as they made me feel comfortable and happy in myself but my head of sixthform would shout at me and force me to change. I recall a few teachers and students coming to me asking if I was alright as they had noticed my rapid weight loss, I told them it was just stress. I was completely in denial I had tricked myself into thinking it was normal, I have no idea how I even lasted as long as I did at sixthform like this. So as the story goes I got taken into the teds team which is a recovery center for children with eating disorders

I was extremely reluctant to go, I was stand off ish and rude to the doctors and my family which is something that is not in my nature at all. Looking back all they wanted to do was help me but at the time I thought everyone was against me were trying to trick me into being fat. This was clearly the anorexia talking and not me, it was completely in control. While there I was freezing cold so they had to turn the fan off. I was honest as I could be and told them most of what I previously told you but it still didn’t actually sound like a concern to me. I down played it as much as a could because I didn’t want anyone’s help. I can still remember that horrible feeling of being so stubborn and refusing to even acknowledge what the people around me were saying I was so caught up in the anorexic trap. Now about a year ago from this I had been previously weighed as I had started a new version of medication, like I said I weighed in at around 85kg, 13 stone. I got weighed again on this day and was in the 7 stones, I had lost nearly 6 stone in 3 months. That’s crazy looking back at. I was told if I didn’t turn myself around soon my periods would stop and I would have to go into hospital to be force fed. They warned me as I was in the hight of my teenage development i was right at the edge of doing permanent growth, brain and fertility damage. I love children and can’t wait to be a mother someday and I really highly value my intelligence so this was the kick up the bum I needed to start my recovery. I came back a week later to create an eating plan and in that time I had dropped another couple of pounds in just a week. I was very stubborn during the hour we spent making an eating plan, we pretty much fought back and forth me and the doctor disagreeing on everything, the eating disorder had complete control over my mind and I was pretty much in auto pilot. Eventually we came to an agreement which I still was very reluctant to follow, but I had worked out the calorie intake and it felt at level that was “safe” for me. I was also just happy to not have to worry about making food anymore as my mum was now in charge or making everything I eat. Before this I was eating on average a banana, half a packet of cuscus and a plain piece of brown bread without butter and a spoon full of baked beans with no sauce. On top of this I drank an unhealthy amount of coffee, so much I became addicted, to help me loose weight, keep me full and give me the energy I didn’t have.

I remember so vividly the first day I followed this new eating routine my stomach had shrunk so small I was physically in pain by the end of the day. I was to eat 2 spoons of yogurt in the morning, an egg sandwich at lunch on brown bread, an apple, half a dinner and one weatabix at night. By the weatabix I was in physical pain from being so full. But I pushed through it. A week later I had still lost weight but not as much as the normal rate went. This is when I was told I had to add in extra and I reacted terribly. I flat out refused to follow it anymore and said I was quitting the program. For a few months I refused to follow the new program sticking to the old one I felt safe with and still lost weight with. With things like anorexia it’s something I feel can never be solved by anyone else it’s something you have to do yourself. I think I improved just overtime by chatting with the teds team and the dietitian and educating myself. This next part of my journey is kind of difficult to talk about as I don’t remember it much, I was so tired and drained it’s all kind of disappeared from my memory. Eventually through education I began to slowly add things to my eating plan. I added crisps (but only under the condition they were healthy ones under 100 calories) changed the yogurt to 2 weatabix as it was easier to measure and less of a “scary food” to me.

So yeah, since this is just a short (at least as short as I can make it) synopsis of my journey I’m just going to skip to now. Some day maybe I’ll talk about the one and a half year gap there is between then and now but that would take too long for the moment. Now I am still suffering with eating. I’ve put on a bit of weight but I’m still classed as underweight. I still follow a very strict daily routine with what I eat, I still weigh things out, I still calorie count, I still analyse my body but I am a hell of a lot better than a year ago. I still struggle when it comes to eating “fatning” of “sugary” foods but on occasion I do eat them. I try and eat something every day like a breakfast bar or granola bar. Although I am a lot better now, I’m mostly tortured by the anorexic intrusive thoughts.

I struggle oddly with extreme hunger! Something I hadn’t felt at all while I was in critical condition. I did some research and I found out this happens to most recovering anorexics and their body is literally starving and desperate for food. I have been left with loose skin which makes me extremely embarrassed and unhappy, I hope someday to get rid of it as it’s a big factor of my destress. I hope this story can help educate people without eating disorders and give you an incite into our minds. Someday I will go into more detail.