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firstumcschenectady · 3 years

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“The Fabled Wisdom of Solomon” based on 1 Kings 2:10-12 and 3:3-14

(Image: Lamp of Wisdom, Waterperry Gardens, Oxfordshire, England)

What I wouldn't give for the wisdom of Solomon right now. I've prayed for it already, lack of asking isn't the issue. Life feels like a series of unanswerable questions. “Is this safe?” “Is this wise?” “Is this fair?” “Who does this exclude?” “Whose needs does this meet?” “How do I create balance?” “Whose needs do I prioritize?” “How can I find a middle way?” “How do I manage risk? As a person? As a parent? As a pastor?” “What are the risks of NOT doing the thing?” “How do they compare to the risks of DOING the thing?” “How worried should I be?” “How courageous should I be?”

I'll stop. It's probably unpleasant to hear already, and truthfully those are MOST of the questions, they just repeat a lot. Furthermore, these are variations on the themes of everyone's questions, maybe with a little bit more pressure on those making decisions for others or for groups.

We're nearing 18 months of pandemic based impossible decision making. I'm also nearing 15 months of parent based impossible decision making, which has led to SO MUCH more respect for every other human who parents or offers caregiving. (I already had respect for those things, but my respect has increased exponentially.)

I find myself thinking about presidents who wear the same thing every day, or offload trivial decisions so that they can keep their capacities for the important stuff. I remember articles about how our decision making capacities are finite, and I think about how incredibly overwhelming it has been to be in this “new world” where everything carries risk and every decision is suddenly BIGGER.

And I want to be Solomon. I want to be blessed by God to be wise. I want God to give me “a wise and discerning mind.” I want to know what to do!!!!!!

But even as I say this, I realize that I have projected onto Solomon and on to this blessing from God a supernatural sort of wisdom and discernment. I've read this story and assumed that Solomon always knew what to do, and was always right when he decided. But, I don't actually BELIEVE that. That would be superhuman.

(Also, if that were true, then the kingdom of Solomon likely would have outlasted … say … Solomon because he would have been able to fix the underlying issues and pick a good successor.)

Which means that the Bible has just served as a very good inkblot test for me to realize that in the midst of incredible uncertainty, certainty would be superhuman. (Or dangerous. That's another way this can go.) I yearn to feel good about decisions, but that's not possible right now. I yearn to feel confident as I decide, but that isn't possible right now either. I yearn, truthfully, to pass my authority off to someone wiser, more prepared, better read – but no one knows the struggles and the questions I face quite like I do, so there isn't anyone to pass them to.

John Wesley's “Three Simple Rules”: “First do no harm, then do all the good you can, and stay in love with God” have never seemed so hard to work with!

To keep the challenging more challenging, people judge each other on decisions. I can't remember the last time I had a conversation that didn't involve either 1. someone who had to make hard decisions struggling with what is right OR 2. someone who doesn't have to make the decisions frustrated with those who made them. I hear clergy and bosses worrying over safety procedures, balancing risk tolerance with the will of the body with the needs of the vulnerable. And, at the same time, I hear others complaining on ALL sides.

I'm definitely not Solomon, but I want to offer to all of you some of the models and tools I bring to discernment, under the assumption that we're all bogged down by the weight of all these decisions. Welcome to a pragmatic sermon. ;)

In terms of the pandemic itself, I've been really grateful for an idea I heard put into words in the NY Times in June of 2020.

Manage your exposure budget

Risk is cumulative. Going forward, you’ll need to make trade-offs, choosing activities that are most important to you (like seeing an aging parent) and skipping things that might matter less (an office going-away party). Think about managing virus risk just as you might manage a diet: If you want dessert, eat a little less for dinner.1

During a pandemic, every member of the household should manage their own exposure budget. (Think Weight Watchers points for virus risk.) You spend very few budget points for low-risk choices like a once-a-week grocery trip or exercising outdoors. You spend more budget points when you attend an indoor dinner party, get a haircut or go to the office. You blow your budget completely if you spend time in a crowd.2

This has been super helpful. I often call it the “risk budget.” We all have different risk tolerance, and we have different things we particularly value and need. I hear from many families with kids that day care or school are imperative to someone in the family's well being, and so they do it. But then their risk budget is spent. I hear from others that going to work and being exposed to a whole lot of people is already an over extension of their risk budget, and they fear bringing something home to their kids, so they don't do anything else.

I'm mentioning this right now, because people without kids or other unvaccinated people in their households have had an increase in risk tolerance, and aren't always seeing how carefully others have to manage their risk budget. And, for some in our community that means not coming to worship – even outside, even masked, even distanced – because even that TINY bit of increased exposure is more than the budget can handle.

It isn't really a FUN thing, a risk budget, but it brings a model to something otherwise incredibly overwhelming. Deciding on each individual activity separately is simply too much for any of us, so a budget gives us a guideline on how to make decisions. It also reminds us that we're working with different budgets and different expenditures, and none of us need to judge how someone else makes their decisions.

Not quite the fabled wisdom of Solomon, I'll grant, but a tool nonetheless.

Another simple tool is one I've mentioned before. “Daily examen” is a prayer process. It is quite simple. You center yourself, ask for God's help, review the past 24 hours, identitfy when you felt most alive and connected with love, identity when you felt most disconnected from life and love, thank God for the best the worst and all that's in-between, and either share that information with another person or write it down. It is entirely too easy to zombie our way through life, especially in the surreal pandemic times. But taking the time to be reflective helps us learn about life, ourselves, God, and what we value. It helps us learn what we need to change, and what we actually love about our lives as they are. This is the single best discernment tool I know, although it is most useful for BIG HUGE decisions that can be made over an extended period of time.

My final “simple” tool is one of those deceptive ones. It is simple, in ideas, but it is much harder in practice. It is: trust God to be working in and through you. That is, notice when something feels off-kilter in you, and trust that it is significant and matters. THIS is the most subversive thing I'm saying today. Trust the wisdom of your body as being connected to the wisdom of the Divine, and when a decision brings a dull ache to your gut or any other part of your body STOP and listen. Figure out what emotions fit into that ache. Then, figure out what needs are under that emotion. (Handy-dandy helpful pdf chart here: Feelings/Needs). We KNOW more than we think we do, and God often works with us in subtle and embodied ways. As we learn to trust ourselves, we are learning to trust God-who-is-with-us-and-for-us.

Well friends, it doesn't feel like much, and it DEFINITELY doesn't feel like the fabled wisdom of Solomon, but in the midst of unending difficult decisions, I hope these little tools are gifts for you. May God help us all, as we discern. Amen

1 I'm not convinced diet culture is safe nor healthy, but I left the reference in because I fear it is familiar.

2 Tara Parker-Pope “5 Rules to Live By During a Pandemic” https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/09/well/live/coronavirus-rules-pandemic-infection-prevention.html June 9, 2020.

#Thinking Church #Pandemic Preaching #Progressive Christainity #Pragmatic #FUMC Schenectady #UMC #schenectady #Sorry about the UMC #Rev. Sara E Baron #wisdom of solomon #Applied today

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itsclydebitches · 4 years

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So I'm curious what are some character designs you love? Not from RWBY, but just i general. I'm the same anon who got you to check out Berserk and I'd say essentially all of the designs are done damn well. Fit the character. Changes that makes sense for growth. Also make sense given the setting. Even women in armor that doesn't have those massive boob plates. Good designs impact so much subconsciously to have much we enjoy other aspects of a story.

Congratulations! You’ve unlocked my never-ending need to praise Yu Yu Hakusho! :D

This long, picture-laden post needs two disclaimers going forward:

I’m not an artist. In the sense that I’m not a visual artist who knows anything about what makes character design good from a technical/community approved standpoint. This is purely based on my own, personal reaction to a beloved series.

Connected to that, I’m going into this under the assumption that people might really disagree with me (?). Based on the cartoons and anime that I see praised for character design, I don’t think YYH fits whatever list more knowledgeable viewers are pulling from. But I’m gonna lay out my thinking anyway!

Major spoilers for Yu Yu Hakusho below.

Alright let’s do this.

First off, when people start talking character design they often reference how cool a character is. Which makes sense. You want a character to be visually engaging and distinct. Something that makes you go “Wow!” whenever you look at them. However, one of the things I love about the YYH cast is how normal they are. Because they’re supposed to be normal. The trope of the main character having a crazy hair color has become so prominent that we’ve got memes about it now and that works for a lot of stories. You know who is important because, despite the assumption that they’re average people not dying their hair, they stick out like a sore thumb among the rest of the cast.

However, normalcy is a really important part of YYH. The entire point at the start is that Yusuke is not special. He’s not unique. He’s a delinquent kid who most assume isn’t going anywhere in life. When he dies this doesn’t unlock some Super Special Backstory - you were innately amazing all along! - he just gets caught up in the plot because of a paperwork issue. The afterlife doesn’t know what to do with an asshole kid who unexpectedly saved another kid’s life so they just kind of... shuffle him around until he’s given another chance to live. Then he gets to pay back that second chance by becoming a Spirit Detective. Yeah, Yusuke is talented when it comes to fighting and spirit energy, but at the start that’s rarely emphasized outside of “He’s the best street fighter among no-name street fighters so really, it’s not impressive once you take Yusuke out of his tiny world of school parking lots and the occasional alleyway.” The takeaway is that he’s a dime-a-dozen troubled teen who got involved in the spirit world due to an impulsive act and a bunch of bureaucracy. Indeed, it’s a HUGE moment of emotional growth for Yusuke to realize that people do love him despite his supposedly average, unremarkable, and otherwise negative personality. His normal-ness - and others’ expectation that he could someday make himself great if he learns to work at it - is crucial to where Yusuke starts out. Making him visually distinct in terms of Anime Protagonist Looks would undermine a lot of that. This isn’t supposed to be a Super Special Kid Destined For Greatness. He’s just... a kid. A normal kid. A kid who has to work and learn and grow if he wants to make something of himself. So he gets black hair, brown yes, and a green school uniform. He’s pretty damn average looking.

Same with Kuwabara. Same with Keiko. Same with Atsuko. They’re just normal people going about their lives and I always appreciated that they looked the part. You can still easily tell them apart thanks to different hair colors, texture, jaw lines, and outfits, but none of them seem out of place in the average world they start out in. Which, as said, is crucial to a lot of YYH’s themes. The ones who look more visually distinct - Hiei and Botan - aren’t human. It makes sense that they wouldn’t obey these same average laws of the rest of the cast and they are our first taste of a world that, in terms of character design, will eventually get pretty wonderfully weird. They function as stepping stones.

This eventually becomes a story about the demon world and those demons wouldn’t come across as particularly scary/other if you begin the story with equally strange looking humans. Or even just “I don’t see people who look like that walking down the street” humans. Alongside many themes, there’s a contrast at work here. Yusuke stepping out into a stadium full of demons who despise him because of his species hits home when he is so clearly distinct from them. Suddenly, his normal is abnormal.

Once the ball gets rolling, Yusuke’s looks are constantly in contrast with both his environment and his inner self. He looks like a scary thug but then unexpectedly saves a life. He looks like an average human but is actually the strongest among a group of scary-looking demons. He looks like this badass spirit detective who everyone assumes with have an equally badass spirit beast but, uh...

Oh my god that’s a precious baby. By the time our cast is family and everyone accepts that Yusuke looks scarier than he actually is or ever was - once the core group is made up of not just humans but demon loving humans who are equally soft - we turn it all on its head again and reveal that Yusuke has demon blood. For the first time he looks as strange and powerful as he is. Yusuke’s normality is done away with the second he’s fully accepted his place in these worlds, throwing everything back into chaos.

Yusuke’s demon form becomes even more foreign looking when he’s being controlled by his ancestral father. The above is a Yusuke who is still Yusuke and in many respects the design reflects that: natural hair color, human body, tattoos easily covered up with a shirt. When he’s gone full Mazoku though, something dangerous, the white, wilder hair and change to his expressions ensure we read him as something feral. For the first time in the series Yusuke is truly the dangerous creature he’s pretended to be since his principal was running after him at school.

As a side-note about character costumes, we see this emphasis on normality in their outfits as well. Obviously a story like RWBY is limited by how much time/money they have for animation, but it nevertheless has an impact to see the group almost constantly in their battle gear. They’re never not the main characters of an action-fantasy show, not even while just out around town with no expectation of entering a fight.

In contrast, Yusuke and Kuwabara are often animated in everyday clothing that remind us that they’re really just teens trying to live their lives outside of this crazy nonsense. Kuwabara wasn’t even formally hired for all this! The cast wears sweaters and jackets while out and about. More formal clothes for special occasions. Jeans and t-shirts when they’re unexpectedly caught up in a fight because, you know, they’re not ready for battle every second of every day. They’re drawn like normal folks because, outside of the ring, they are.

(We’ve also got a lot of parallels between Yusuke and Kuwabara’s civilian clothing, visually reminding us that they’re far more alike than they might be willing to admit.)

Despite often changing outfits, the group maintains a basic color pallet that makes them recognizable, yet it’s also not so limited that they appear strange for sticking to one (1) color for the entire time we know them. Yusuke, like most people, is drawn to particular colors, mostly greens, yellows, and blues, so each time we see him he’s familiar while also being distinct from the last time he changed.

Hiei, as someone who initially wants nothing to do with anyone else and relies on assassin-like speed to take out his enemies, is dressed almost entirely in black. Without that bit of white in his scarf/hair you’d lose him in the shadows... which is the point.

When he opens up and actually becomes friends with the team, his color pallet starts opening up a great deal too.

And we’re shown all the little changes he starts incorporating that speak to his growth: his Jagan eye, a bandaged arm hiding his Dragon of the Darkness Flame, the necklace connecting him to Yukina.

I’ve blathered on about the outfits enough but as a quick final note: EVERYONE WEARS APPROPRIATE FIGHTING CLOTHES.

No one (even the women to my recollection) wear heels. Everything is loose-fitted and looks easy to move in. They’ve got sensible belts, bandages if they need them, and... that’s it. No unnecessary bells and whistles that distract from what’s supposed to be the story’s real draw: good fights and good characterization. Even the more elaborately styled characters (usually) look like they chose their outfits practically first and for the aesthetic after. At no point do I recall watching this show and going, “WHY would you wear that to a fight??”

Anyway, back to the designs.

The exceptions to either side of these extremes - from human normal to demon monstrous - are Genkai and Kurama, both of whom straddle the line. Genkai is someone who has pushed her spirit and body far past the norm. She’s the first human we meet who truly goes beyond that normality, even if you don’t immediately realize it. Her pink hair (such a soft color in her old age it’s not at all distracting) is a slight hint that something isn’t quite right with her. She’s obviously human... but not a normal human. Not anymore.

Those unnatural looks are emphasized in her youth when she was at the height of her power.

Genkai as a young woman has vibrantly pink hair (a bright pastel like Botan’s), a softer face, and far more emotive eyes. She looks ethereal, which fits not just her own journey to power but Togoru’s as well. Her story is intimately tied up in what that power does to the human body/soul. So Toguro starts out like this

a pretty normal looking guy who is on the far end of what the human body is naturally capable of. He’s buff as hell, but not so much that it looks unreasonable. I’ve seen body builders bigger than him. He’s the average (dehydrated...) MCU superhero. However, he ends up like this

In Togoru’s case his abnormality is explicitly presented as grotesque. Rather than giving him a cool looking characteristic that’s clearly supernatural (blue hair, an extra eye, curly horns, etc.), we’ve taken a human characteristic (muscles) and expanded them to an unnatural degree. He’s got some uncanny valley shit going on.

Paralleling Genkai, we likewise see Kurama subtly standing out among his human allies.

He’s a demon in a human’s body. By in-world logic his appearance should be just as normal as anyone else’s, but a bit of his true nature shines through. His hair is long in a style not popular in YYH’s Japan. His red is far less of a natural shade than Kuwabara’s. He carries himself with the air of someone who is ancient, because he is. His human design deliberately reflects his true demon form so when that’s finally revealed we still recognize him as Kurama.

(Same sort of work with Hiei’s demon form.)

When we look at the cast together we have an immediate, visual impression as to who is normal and who is not - and those assumptions are embedded into the story. Yusuke is someone you’d overlook in the crowd, but he’s the most powerful. Kurama is clearly other in some way, but he’s desperate to live an average, human life. Kuwabara is designed to look and move like the fool and a lot of his development (his and others’ in relation to him, really. Like Hiei) is built around respecting him despite those looks. Hiei is tiny but will kick your ass. Genkai is tinier and will kick your ass worse.

Her size combined with her age - combined with her status as Yusuke’s teacher - is a continuous reminder not to judge power by looks alone. Don’t underestimate your opponent and get overconfident (a major flaw of Yusuke’s). Know that you still have a LOT to learn about the world. That woman you assume is just a rude grandma? She’s going to break your expectations over and over and over again.

Speaking of size, that’s a major aspect of Koenma’s design as well. When Yusuke learns he’s meeting the head of the underworld he starts picturing a massive, demonic beast who (sensing a theme here) looks the part of a supernatural ruler. Seeing Koenma for the first time - an adorable toddler-like being - is an absolute shock.

It’s a gag for the audience, but it’s not just a gag. Due to his looks Yusuke is unable to take Koenma seriously, despite knowing the power he holds.

Which, even more-so than arrogance, is Yusuke’s greatest flaw throughout the series. He doesn’t take school seriously. His death seriously. Ruler of the underworld seriously. His teacher seriously, etc. Yusuke constantly acts like he doesn’t care, throwing basic respect and effort in the face of whatever authority figure is desperately trying to keep him from self-destructing. He’s on the receiving end of multiple speeches throughout the series (mostly from Genkai) that boil down to, “Care about something, dammit. Take this seriously!” and when he does it’s GREAT. It’s a moment of growth we’ve really built to in a hundred different ways, including how he reacts to others’ looks. Koenma’s design feeds directly into the primary flaw Yusuke is working to overcome. How will he go from a delinquent laughing in the face of the most powerful being to someone multiple worlds can put their trust in? Design assists with that.

When Yusuke does respect Koenma (even if he still insults/teases him because that’s just an ingrained part of Yusuke’s personality) Koenma’s appearance can change. It’s no longer serving its original function, so he evolves into a very good looking young man (with references to Tuxedo Mask to emphasize those good looks) that just... happens to still carry a pacifier.

A pacifier that is revealed as an incredibly powerful weapon that will help save the world. Again: don’t judge anyone or anything solely on their looks. They’re never precisely what you’d assume they are based on your first glance - with the exception of minor villains whose looks serve only to convey their villainy:

For everyone else, looks are complex. Two of the most different looking characters (color-wise anyway) are actually siblings, their contrasts reflecting both differing cultures and the emotional distance between them.

The scariest looking monsters are just paper-pushers. It’s the handsome humans you should watch out for.

And this is our hero, a man charged with protecting three worlds.

I could say SO MUCH MORE but this is already disgustingly long so basically YYH (I think) does a great job of:

Crafting characters that are distinct but not different for the sake of different. They always feel like they belong to their individual worlds and adhere to whatever “normal” is by those standards.

Tying character looks really closely to the show’s themes and individual growth. Which, frankly, is something I think all good character design should do.

It’s not nearly as flashy as other anime... but YYH knows what it wants to accomplish and went about it beautifully. Catch me still weeping over this show fifty years from now.

Peace ✌️

#Anonymous #YYH #Yu Yu Hakusho #mymetas #for the record #I'm not trying to hide my response or anything #(lol)#tumblr would just NOT let me put the read more anywhere else #why are you like this tumblr

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gramjams · 5 years

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My mental health has taken a nose dive over the past couple of weeks, and I've felt myself on the verge of having panic attacks on a fair few occasions. I'm not concerned about catching the virus, but have anxiety about the uncertainty of what's to come and the impact it's going to have on all our lives. I wanted to share some advice about how I've coped in the past through long periods of unemployment, being stuck at home, and depression which might help some of you (and remind me what I need to start doing myself!) I’d like to caveat this by saying that some days you won’t feel like doing any of these things, and that is more than OK. Don’t beat yourself up for wanting to do fuck all! 1) Stick to a routine – I’m a creature of habit and really struggle when my routine is disrupted. Set an alarm in the morning and make yourself get up at the same time each day, preferably no later than 9am cos laying around in bed for too long will lower your motivation to move. Jump in the shower and get dressed so you’re not lounging around in your PJs for ages. 2) Practice mindfulness – As part of your daily routine try meditating as soon as you’re out of bed, even if it’s for as little as 10mins. This will help clear your mind and make you feel more relaxed at the start of the day. Yoga nidra is also very affective and is something I like to do before bed if I’ve been having trouble sleeping. There’s a great free app called ‘Insight Timer’ that gives you access to guided meditations and yoga nidra sessions if you’ve never done it before. 3) Get some fresh air – Try and go outside every day, even if it’s just for a walk round the block and even if it’s pishing down! It’s also a really good way of getting some exercise, especially as gyms are a no go for the foreseeable. 4) Create a to do list – No matter how small the task seems, add it to the list. Ticking things off can feel really satisfying and give you as wee boost. 5) Exercise - Exercise at home or outdoors where possible. Even if it’s just a 10-15min workout, it’s better than nothing and the endorphins will give you a boost. 6) Create – Music, art, knitting, silly memes for the internet…..it doesn’t matter what it is, just do something that gives you a creative outlet. 7) Digital detox – Try and limit how much time each day you spend on social media. I struggle with this one, especially at the moment as I want to stay informed, but this is probably one of the most important things you can do to help your mental health. Read a book, watch a film/TV show, facetime your pals, call yer maw, actually do the work your supposed to be doing whilst ‘working from home’!....just try and resist social media. 8) Help others – If you’re healthy and able, consider offering assistance to people in your area who aren’t able to get to the shops etc. Facebook has lots of local community groups where you can offer to help elderly or immunocompromised people get supplies. 9) Talk about how you’re feeling – Speak to your friends and family if you’re struggling with your mental health. One thing you can be assured of is that you’re NOT alone. If you don’t feel like you have anyone in your life that you can speak to then please call the Samaritans on 116 123. 10) Do something that makes you happy – This may seem impossible when you’re feeling really low, but try and do something that brings a bit of joy into your day. It might be as simple as watching cute animal videos on youtube, or watching a show that makes you laugh....anything that will give you a release of Dopamine. Hopefully there are a few things here that might help some of you. Please be kind and look out for each other. If anyone wants to talk I’m here for you.....and don’t forget to wash your hands 😘

#personal #coronavirus #covid 19 #mental health

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missmentelle · 4 years

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Hello there. I hope you're doing well. I need some guidance regarding something. It's been two since I broke up with my boyfriend. He didn't treat me well. I suffered soooomuch. It set me back two year that I can never have back. He moved on without any issue. He has a new girlfriend. But somehow I still feel sad over him even though I don't want him back. I'm not over the way I was treated. It is hurting me a lot.

Hey, I’m really sorry to hear that you’re struggling. There’s no timeline for getting over a bad relationship, and it’s not unusual to still be thinking about the relationship several years down the line. It can be especially difficult when a partner who mistreated you is able to transition right into a new relationship with someone else - it feels incredibly unfair that someone gets to cause so much damage and then waltz off into the sunset with a new relationship, while we’re stuck cleaning up the mess they made. The issue is not that you want them back, but that there is a profound injustice to someone making you suffer and then getting what they want anyway without ever facing the consequences of what they did. It hurts, and there is no secret or timeline to making it not hurt anymore. It’s a process that we have to work through.

One of the things that may help is to completely cut your ex from your life, and to block him from all your social media feeds. Social media has an unfortunate ability to shove our exes happiness in our faces long after they’ve left our lives, and it can make it a lot harder to move past a toxic relationship. Social media also paints a deceptively rosy picture of our exes lives - even if their new relationship is just as toxic as the old one, social media will always make it look like they’re having a non-stop good time. It’s best to purge your ex from your life entirely - reminders of him will only slow down the healing process. Take him off your social media, ask your friends not to give you updates if they are still in communication with him. If you can, avoid going to places where you might see him, and put away any obvious reminders of him in your home, like old photos or gifts. Give yourself a clean slate so you can truly start the healing process.

I think it’s also important to remember that toxic and abusive people are never happy in relationships, no matter how it looks from the outside. They hop from person to person, looking for someone who will meet their impossible ideals for a partner, and they never find it. They might be temporarily satisfied that they’ve found a new victim who won’t fight back as much as you did, but eventually that relationship will fall into the same pattern as every other relationship they’ve ever had. Abusive people have some very rigid, toxic mindsets that poison their relationships - usually, this is something along the lines of “I am entitled to a partner who does whatever I say, caters to all my insecurities and does not question my superiority”. Every relationship an abuser has will follow roughly the same pattern: they will find someone that they think finally meets their expectations, they’ll put that person up on a pedestal for a while, they’ll realize that the person is a human being with their own thoughts and feelings after all, and then the abuse and mistreatment will start to come out until their victim leaves, or the abuser spots an easier victim. I was devastated when my abusive ex so easily got into a new relationship when I felt like I was still trying to re-learn how to be a person... but then two years later, I found out that their relationship had ended the same way ours did, and he had been just as toxic to her. It’s devastating to feel like your ex is moving on when you can’t, but you have to remember that you were always in a different situation than him - you wanted a partner, and he wanted a victim.

Take as much time as you need to rebuild your life and your self-esteem. Get back into hobbies you might have dropped during the relationship, or pick up some new ones that interest you. Create stuff, journal, get in shape, make art, work on your grades or career - do whatever will make you feel better, and more like yourself. Talk to other people who have been through these kinds of relationships - you can find online support groups on most social media platforms. If you feel ready to date again, or even to start chatting with other people again, you could look into that again. Remember that there is no timeline for this, and you may have good days and bad days for a while. But you will eventually reach a place where you are okay, and where he can’t hurt you anymore. Best of luck to you! Miss Mentelle

#Anonymous

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proxyartsblog · 4 years

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Fallout Equestria ( Country Roads)

By proxyart.

{The introduction}

(68 years after the mega spells)

(A group of Caravan ponies and a group of Talons sit around a campfire in the forest of West Virgineigh in the shadow the the stable 76 ruins . It's cold out and the two groups sit making small talk and trading stories. After a while a pony started to notice a odd member of the talon group)

A shy young blue unicorn spoke up , she had a soft timid voice. "um m..mr Griffin... how ... uh no um why is... your back legs different from the other Griffins?" Her ears dropped as he looked Over at her.

"I'm a hippogriff" said the smooth looking avian, he was quite pretty, with his lovely golden feathers and creamy tan coat , he spoke with a unique accent, something from the old world the blue unicorn thought.

"F..forgive me but a what?" She said with a puzzled shakey voice.

(He smiled and sat up.)

"A hippogriff my dear filly" the smooth voice said, he spoke like a pony, " you don't know do you? " he asked.

(The blue unicorn shook her head.)

" no sorry I'm not aware of Griffins or anything to do with the talons " she blushes brightly noticing them stare.

(The hippogriff's beak gives a friendly smile as he steps into the fire light.)

"My name is Apple Gin, and I am not a normal creature, no matter how you look at it, I'm the descend of a earth pony who throw out all odds service the mega spells and fell in love with a Griffin , from her and their love my mother was born , my mother was a miracle my grandfather said, a foal that shouldn't exist but somehow did."

(Apple Gin saw the curiosity growing in the eyes of the young filly.)

"You want to know more don't you? " he asked with a croaked smile.

(The blue unicorn nodded happily, no longer the shy blue filly she was , this girl got closer to hear every word he spoke. )

"Please tell me what happened?!" The filly gidded as she clopped her hoofs excitedly.

Apple Gin sighed and sat back on his haunches. " so you want to know the story of my ancestor the the legendary stable 76? " he asked.

She smiled sweetly and nodded " yes!" She paused for a moment "I mean yes please mr. Gin sir"

Apple Gin gave her a odd look and sighed happily, " Gin is fine... so where to start this story? ... it's a long one to tell "

(The blue pony thought for a moment then with a smile.)

"I got all night... better then dealing with them swamp crawlers or mega beasts... right Gin ?"

(Apple Gin smiled )

"Yes ma'am " he started to tell his grandmother's story.

"To tell this tale we must start off 25 years after the war... 25 years after the mega spells dropped and all of equestria was plunged Into Darkness".

(War ... war never changes.... )

[End holotape prologue. ]

☆◇♧♡♤☆◇♧♡♤☆◇♡♧♤☆

[Chapter one] country roads.

[Memory orb holotape begin]

(A song started to play over the PA system of the stable, followed by a older mare's voice)

(A inebriated orange and creamy caramel colored earth pony falls out of her bed woken by the loudly playing music and that mare's voice, she looked around her stable room and realized it was very quiet, too quiet, there was a huge party just yesterday, and today was her 25th birthday, the day she was also supposed to leave the stable as well.)

"Shit... ouch my head, I swear one day I'll stop drinking " she always said it but she never has, after all she owed her cutie mark to alcohol, all the members of her father's family did, it was a family tradition and Apple whiskey wasn't going to be the pony to end a family tradition!

(She looked at goodmorning stable-tec window with its happy little birds and smiling sun, the stable colt smiled back at her reminding her she was late. )

"Good morning stable 76, this is the Overmare , I hope you all enjoyed the party last night, even those who might have over overindulged and overslept. But it's time to get up and get out there, we've been locked away long enough."

(She listened to the Overmare speech as she brushed her teeth and combed her mane, it didn't do anything to help, her mane and tail was a knotted mess of curls and knots, she had tried to keep her hair nice but since mother died Whiskey had a hard time with managing it.)

"Stupid mane... ouch! How am I supposed to brush this mess if I'm not a unicorn!?" She yelled frustrated by her lack of magic or her mothers hair dresser bot.

(Her mother was a robotics engineer, the best in equestria or so others told her. The stable was full of the best and brightest members of equestria and many of the ponies onces worked for stable-tec or rob-co, some were doctors and musicians, others were bankers, scientist, farmers, painters, chefs and more, if they were the best they were in 76!, and the offspring, the children of the generation of genius ponies? Why they were told daily that they were going to save equestria... and the world, that day was today... and Apple wasn't running to the stable door like the others had.)

(A robot brought Apple whiskey her pipbuck, it had a big 76 Pip‑buck 2000 in blue and silver numbers on it with the ugly brown and tan pipbuck casing , Apple placed it on her fetlock and began to adjust to it's weight, Apple thought her pipbuck was very ugly and useless, all she ever used it for was the radio and keeping track of other ponies. )

"Stupid heavy thing..." said Apple.

"Oh miss Apple I thought you'd never wake up" said the floating mr. Handy.

(The over mare's voice pulsed for a moment or two then continued )

"Today is Reclamation day, I kn..."( the voice was drowned out for a bit.)

"What? Why? " Apple whiskey asked.

"Why its Reclamation day don't you remember? Most of the stable is already gone ." Said the robot.

"All ready gone?! But its only..." Apple looked at the time. " Half past noon! How could you let me over sleep so long!?" She started to ran to get her stuff packed .

( the Overmare's voice started again)

"It maybe time to leave but I'll always remember the day you all entered stable 76, you come from everywhere walk of life, every pony race, color and creed, but you all share one very important trait, you are equestrias best and brightest but more importantly you will always be my family."

(The broadcast ended)

"Wow Overmare ... I wonder if the old mare is still here? ... would make sense that the Overmare would be last to leave right?" Apple got all the things she wanted to take with her.

(Apple whiskey packed a large saddlebag with 5 bottles of purified water, 3 stem packs, 2 boxes of big-mac and cheese, 1 picture of her parents, a hoof pistol and a hoof full of bullets, 2 Med-X , 2 healing potions, 1 sparkle cola cherry and 4 bottles of her famous Apple whiskey and the recipe so no one else could make it .)

"Miss Apple you mustn't forget about you're camp " said the Mr handy.

"My camp? What is that? ... you mean my still bot? " Apple asked.

(The Mr. handy looked insulted by her calling that metal pot a robot)

"No miss apple not that busted excuse for bolts.... the camp unit is you're home away from home miss... " he handed her the rather small box .

"This is a camp?" She looked complex.

"You need a home base out there. The Construction and Assembly Mobile Platform is designed to give you one." Said the handy.

"So this will help me serve? Good to know... uh ok " Apple took the camp and stored it in her saddlebags.

"Wow it fits a lot... one day I'll learn how it carries all my junk..." she was impressed by the bags, she thought it had to be part of the stable-tec spell Matrix.

(Apple strapped the saddlebags to her back and holstered her pistol. )

"Ok looks like that's everything Handy...what will you do onces I'm gone?" She asked.

(The mr. Handy hovered around and brought her a tiny mr. handy statuette.)

"Miss Apple please take care of yourself... I'll be here , I must lock up the stable and once I do life support will be turned off... no living creature will be able to close the stable door." The handy said .

( Apple looked sad but she understood she would never seen the first friend she had again, tears fell down her pale caramel coat.)

"Good bye old friend " Apple gave the bot a quick nuzzle and a kind smile.

(Apple set out her room and into the corredores of the stable, the gray drury walls of the stable gave her a bit of comfort, she was very nervous about leaving, if it was up to Apple whiskey she would have stayed there until she died un old mare with many grand foals running through the many hall's. )

(As Apple walked past the Overmare's office she popped her head in to say goodbye however the office was completely empty of life.)

"Overmare!... eh? ... nuna?... " Apple walked around her desk and sat in the big chair, it smelled so nice , the smell of foal hood memories.

(The Overmare loved to let the foals play in her office while their parents worked their various jobs in the stable. Her happiness memories were learning how to be a Overmare from the only grandmother she would ever know. )

"Overmare... I guess I'll never get to say goodbye to her..." Apple saw that her terminal was still on, normally she wouldn't snoop but she was as rather nosy filly .

(Apple clicked her hoof to the keyboard and ejected a holotape from the Overmare's office terminal)

"What in the seven?... a holotape? " she wondered if it was a goodbye from the Overmare.

"Overmare what could you be up to?" Apple noticed the holotape port in the side of her pipbuck, she put the holotape in .

(The holotape started to play)

"Overmare's log, or should I say, direct communication. Because whoever is listening to this had the moxy to try to find out where I've gone." It paused for a moment.

"But I'm glad you did. Truth is, I need your help. I've been given a task, and... I've decided to break protocol and tell you what it is. Because If there's one thing I've learned in these past few years, it's that we need to rely on each other." It paused for a moment.

"There were three active mega spell silos in Virgineigh before the Balefire Bombs fell. They blew up the Equestria before. We can't let it happen again. So we've got to locate and secure all of the silos, or die trying. Hopefully the former. Hmph." It paused for a moment.

"But it's been twenty-five years. I just don't know what we're going to find out there. Or where to start... My directive was to go to the nearest population center and assess the situation. I'll set up a C.A.M.P. on the way once I get my bearings. Find me there." The holotape stopped.

(Apple felt confused as she tried to figure out and take in all the information she just heard. Apple wasn't exactly sure what she could do to help her but if the Overmare needed her she would try her best to find her and help... not because of Stable tec but for the only grandmother she had... the pony who called her family. )

"Looks like we are going out there after all..." she thought to herself.

(Apple started to wake out when she stopped at the Overmare's bedroom door, she had took the time to make her bed and straighten her room, maybe she should have cleaned up her room before as well but she didn't want the handy bots to have nothing to do for all time.)

"Wow Overmare you really need to relax... hehehe " Apple said with a giggle.

(She smiled at the handy bots that met her at the hatch to the stable door.)

"Goodbye handys... I wish you all the best, look after the stable for everypony. " Apple hugged the sliver handy bot.

"Goodbye miss apple, and we will look after your sill bot... even if we think it's a waste of technology and fermented grains." Said the mr. handy.

(Apple smiled, she whipped her eyes.)

"I'll miss all of you so much " Apple tried not to cry as she walked thought the stable entrance and stepped out into the world beyond .

[End of holotape chapter one.]

https://my.w.tt/JCjbulc9R5

#fallout equestria #mlp oc #mlp oc pony #foe

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thegabdonwrites · 6 years

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Hi beautiful. I currently live in a toxic situation where I am constantly taken advantage of and have no real freedom to live my life the way I want. I can't go where I want, dress how I want, or spend my money how I want. I'm the emotional and financial punching bag for everyone else and I hate it. I want to move out and stand on my own two feet, for my own peace of mind. How do I do that without burning bridges? I would appreciate any practical tips that helped you be in control of your life.

For the most part, you set the standard, for how people treat you. I think that’s important to remember. People only go as far as you allow them to and do only as much as they know you will accept. We give people cues, without even realizing. What we accept. What we don’t say no to, when we should. When we give and give to people who only take and take. We teach people, that they can treat take from us and step on us and walk all over us.

And when people become comfortable and know us as an easy, reliable, ‘always there’ and always giving person; nothing scares them or makes them more uncomfortable than us suddenly saying no. Or not being there to enable others. Or putting ourselves first. That terrifies them.

And it’s very easy to sit back and see how people take advantage of us, but it’s harder to look inward and see what it is that we are doing and how we contribute. And I had the exact same problem. I think most of us, young ethnic majority women are socialised to bend and bend and bend even when bending any further could break us. (because we are the majority lezzz be real)

And I had to sit and talk with myself some years ago and make some changes that many people in my life did not like. And it led to a lot of discomfort and resentment for a short while, but it was what I had to do to finally get some agency in my life. And I started with small things and then increasingly changed my life and I’m so grateful for that change.

1. Allocate a portion of each day for you and you alone. Even if in this time all you do is watch movies or stare into space. Communicate this with everyone in your life and be consistent with it. I took 2/3 hours every evening to myself at home. Upstairs in my room. Where I could work or read or rest and it was my time. And nobody could bother me except for important things. This teaches other people that you have boundaries. And that your ‘things’ are important.

2. Start saying ‘no’. And if that is difficult, Say ‘I can’t right now’ or ‘I will do it tomorrow’. Say ‘I will try to do that after/when I’ve done this and this.’ Communicate that clearly. People will be upset, but they will learn. That your life is your priority and you giving them your time, is favour. Not a requirement.

3. Sign up to things. Classes. Gym. Groups. Things that are for you and that are regular and set. I had writing workshops. I took sign language classes. I went to the gym at the same time everyday. When you are in control of your life and time, people notice this and they start to change in how they think of your life and time. Family members started to call me a week in advance as opposed to dropping things on me, last minute.

4. Keep a planner. A diary. A journal. Write down the things you want to do each day. Each week. Prioritise. Let people know that you need a certain amount of notice if they need you for something. I even asked my mum to tell me the night before if she needed something from me the next day.

5. Make sure you are earning your own money. Get a job. Part time. Weekend. Whatever it is. This will give you a sense of agency. Don’t show anyone your payslips. This is your money. To spend as you like.

6. Set limits. For everything. How many tasks you can do a day. How much time you can spare. How much money you can give to your family each week/month. Negotiate. Make choices that don’t harm you or take away from you.

7. With dressing ‘how you want’, that means something different for each person. And each home situation is unique. This is only solved through communication. And persistence. If people have only known you a certain way and you have always done what is expected; then any small change, will cause conflict. You have to decide how much change you can bring to your home situation; what affect that will have and what consequences you are prepared to suffer.

I’m writing this assuming we’re from quite similar backgrounds. Moving out isn’t always the answer. Essentially it all comes down to setting boundaries. This is something you have to learn regardless of where you live or who with. And consistently reinforcing and reminding people of those boundaries. Not being deterred when people try to fight and keep you in whatever box they’ve gotten used to having you in. In most cases, the conflict only lasts a short while, but like I said, every situation is unique.

Nobody can give you freedom. You have to believe that you have the right to a full and whole life and you have to wake up each day, willing to take back your space and time.

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dark-muse-iris · 3 years

Text

I posted 120 times in 2021

54 posts created (45%)

66 posts reblogged (55%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 1.2 posts.

I added 95 tags in 2021

#iris replies - 33 posts

#iris rambles - 22 posts

#queue: fond memories - 7 posts

#iris answers - 7 posts

#suga - 5 posts

#min yoongi - 5 posts

#yoongi - 5 posts

#thicchaco - 4 posts

#ateez - 4 posts

#dreamcatcher - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 84 characters

#it's more like round 4 where you're both too hot to care about anything but the vibe

My Top Posts in 2021

What kind of stuff are y'all reading these days?

Have you read anything worthwhile? (in any genre) I'd love to have some recs for books or fanfics and I'm very open-minded. I have some vacation time coming up next month and want to feel inspired.

20 notes • Posted 2021-11-19 22:13:35 GMT

Holiday Tips for Tense Gatherings

It's that time of year again when a lot of us have to face families who don't unconditionally accept us as we are. If you're a mental health sufferer with a family time trigger like I have, here are twelve tips to get you through:

Establish a check-in buddy prior to the family gathering. You and your buddy will exchange 1-2 texts each throughout the day to serve as a tether to remind each other that someone (who isn't at dinner) deeply cares. I recommend check-in buddies who know and/or share the family trauma triggers you have.

Eat something small before the big meal so you're more relaxed. This is especially helpful for anxious people. If you're hungry AND anxious AND trying to blend in at the same time, then you're more likely to go "OH FUCKKK!!!! I'M SO DUMB!!" every time you say something awkward. Don't make it harder on yourself than it already is, dears!

Carry a stimming tool or a stone, coin, trinket in your pocket. When you get nervous or feel an unwanted emotion, touch the item to reground yourself and keep from spiraling. ADHD jewelry like spinning rings are great for this.

Safe topics to discuss: 1) Compliment the women/femmes on their choice of accessories (especially if they don't normally wear them), 2) Ask about housing projects like reorganizing a child's room, a new set of shelves, a reorganized garage, etc. 3) Discuss new hobbies acquired in the last year, 4) Talk about future vacation hopes/plans (these can be fake!), 5) Ask how a dish was made and whether the recipe is easy to follow (implying you'd like to cook it at home on your own).

If a family member asks why you haven't found a partner, gotten married, had kids, moved in a house, etc. you can say "I've been focusing on my health this year." Do not give your family an answer as to why you're not meeting their standards. They should be thankful you're still alive and able to share a meal in the first place.

If someone says something fucked up and it's a generalized statement about a group of people, try to leave the room to avoid discovering how many people agree with them. Go to the bathroom and wash your hands for a full minute. Take a step outside. Run to the mailbox. Go check on the family pet.

If you're LGBTQ+ and you're still closeted (especially if you're under 21), you do not have to come out even if your community is being attacked in conversation. I've seen an increase in hostile comments from some communities and I cannot stress enough how important safety is when it comes to coming out to family. If your family is prejudiced and own guns or have a history of violence, it's far better to come out over phone/text where you don't run the risk of being physically attacked or brutally kicked out of a home. Underage LGBTQ+ are still being put out on the streets by their families who claim to love everyone but deep down can't accept having a queer kid. Please understand the legal limits at play when it comes to help. Elders who are financially independent like me are not allowed to foster/adopt LGBTQ+ kids in several states unless we're straight-passing with opposite gender partners.

If someone says something fucked up to you directly and it's an attack or shaming maneuver, give a confused expression on purpose and then ask them to repeat it. If they double down on being an asshole, turn it on them by framing their intrusion as an unwanted act that's ruining the holiday cheer. Do not defend yourself or assume a defensive position because that'll only validate their claim. Instead try, "What does that have to do with Thanksgiving? Are you really trying to ruin dinner when we haven't seen each other?" It helps to ask that question in front of whoever cooked the meal.

Wear good walking shoes and a coat in case you end up in an emergency panic situation and you're unsafe and need to leave. If your family is emotionally abusive or worse and you're not living there, then leaving dinner early should remain on the table always. Staying to be shit on will only result in more billable therapy hours. It helps to have a rideshare service app loaded on your phone or have bus fare in your pocket in advance. You may not need it, but the preparedness will help your nerves. If you actually end up in the situation of needing to leave, then notify your check-in buddy and share your location with them while you're in transit. Go to a safe place, like a friend's house your family doesn't know, or a public place where you can walk and distract yourself (like a retail location with long aisles and different departments).

Have a self-care plan in place when you get home. I recommend activities that boost serotonin or create feelings of safety like exfoliating and massaging your legs and feet, then cuddling with a warm weighted blanket, a cup of tea, and an old movie you love. If you come home and you're on the brink of an attack or you're foggy and marinating in fucked up childhood memories, take a shower--even if you showered already that morning. If you can, get your head wet and visualize washing off your family. I've been able to stop a lot of panic attacks from washing my face.

If a blow up happens at the gathering, cut contact with the offending party and their partners (who may try to act as intermediaries) for at least three days. Do not engage, do not answer calls or texts. Do not vague-post drama about the event on social media (on any accounts). Completely withdraw from all accounts your family knows about. This is a safety maneuver that gives your body time to re-establish stability so you're not stuck in a fight-or-flight situation. It also cuts you off from being someone else's energetic food supply. Note: Wait at least a few hours before privately venting to trusted friends. I've found that if I vent immediately after it happens, it keeps me in the emergency longer and makes recovery more difficult.

Most importantly: Remember that your worth is not determined by other people. The family members making snide comments about selfishness at the dinner table have never witnessed the late nights you spent helping others in your *chosen* community where you have made a better home. You can choose to only invite in those who back you up and support you. You can outgrow the past and learn from it, thank it, and then let it die. You can live and thrive and be happy in spite of where you're from, who you were born to, and all the experiences you faced when you were too young to steer the ship.

Hope you all take care and know that you are loved and supported! Sending you all a warm hug. <3

20 notes • Posted 2021-11-25 17:44:45 GMT

Saying goodbye to a General Hospital superfan, my grandma, who passed today

Today, my last grandmother departed her body after a long struggle with dementia. Although she could no longer communicate with her family, she hung on for two days with the aid of astute hospice staff until her children could say goodbye to her in person. She went as peacefully as her countenance had always been, and for that I'm thankful.

I'm sharing her passing here because she was one of the first to teach me about women's roles in fandom and the power of slow-burn dramas. She was a seasoned consumer of the nail-biting suspense that comes from having one devoted ship, that pair of characters you want to last through thick and then--FOREVER--only to witness that ship get dashed on the rocks in a chaotic, mid-season cliffhanger.

You see, my grandma was an avid fan of daytime soap operas. She was a hard General Hospital stan since the 1980s and not only memorized the story arcs of generations of characters like they were her own family, but she kept current on the actors' career movements by reading soap opera tabloids you can still buy in the grocery store line. She taught me which tabloids were good and which ones were trash for following soaps.

After decades of watching the series, she was keen at predicting the twists and turns of any story arc. I didn't know why that mattered so much as a child until I learned it was sporting for her to be in everyone's business. But it wasn't enough to know what was happening with her faves. When the writing proved her right again the following week, she'd offer new critiques to the tinfoil-wrapped television set, stamping out her cigarette in the ashtray next to her bed. Had she been given different opportunities other than being a textile worker and mother of two in a small town, she might have given those writers a run for their money.

She was not only the first critic I ever met, but she was also the first hardcore shipper I ever encountered. She had a MAJOR crush on the character of Sonny Corinthos: a cold, calculating mobster played by Maurice Bénard, an actor twenty years her junior. The age gap never slowed down her devotion, even when my grandma was put on oxygen years later. It was Sonny into the sunset, no matter what crimes he committed season after season. She watched her man bounce from lady to lady and would not only judge his conquests like a marriage counselor who sees the trainwreck coming in advance, but she held hope for YEARS that he would go back to the ex who had been his best match, Carly (played most notably by Laura Wright). She wanted that ship to sail even after Carly remarried and had another man's baby--which is exactly what happened around the time I was in college. 🤣

My best memories with my grandma were after school when soaps would come on. My sisters and I would walk to the corner store, buy a Hostess honey bun, then run back to her small, one-bedroom rental and ask, "What did we miss last week?" Because we KNEW we had missed a ton if it had been more than two days.

"Wellllllllll....." she'd say, and that was the start of a wild recap. We'd hang on to every word like it was the best gossip in town. For a middle schooler first dipping my toes into soap operas, I didn't know how expansive organized crime story arcs could be--not until my grandma taught me what I was missing. At that age, I didn't see any value in witnessing steamy infidelity on screen until it magically played out in some explosion or hostage situation twenty episodes later. But my grandma always saw it coming like a daytime soap opera oracle. She would not only know when shit was about to hit the fan, but she knew how the jury would rule on the future court case and how the town of Port Charles would take the news.

It's been a lot to think on for me today. I never told my grandma that I was writing stories as ridiculous and far-fetched as her soaps. By the time I had any confidence in telling anyone how I was spending my free time, the dementia had set in and she had been relocated to a senior living facility that had restricted visitors in order to keep her safe throughout the illness. I don't live with regrets for things outside of my control, but I've missed her a lot since that time and always hoped someone had left General Hospital on for her.

It's hard to lose another family member in two years without the chance to say goodbye like I hoped. It doesn't get easier. As I'm unable to go home, I'm going to spend some time writing and doing things she loved to remember her.

23 notes • Posted 2021-11-13 06:57:06 GMT

Thank you!

Thank you to everyone who shared feedback on AO3 and Tumblr (including tag rants) during the last 18 months. It means a lot to have a reader invest the time even if they're not sure the creator will read it or respond. It's my hope to continue sharing stories for readers like you few who showed kindness without thought of immediate reward.

I read many of the messages at times when I was at my lowest point and unable to write anything. As of today, I've cleared the AO3 mailbox, replying to several messages that were over 10 months old. I've also queued some reblogs of feedback I saw in the last year and responded to those.

26 notes • Posted 2021-11-10 15:54:00 GMT

bruuhhhhhh

51 notes • Posted 2021-11-09 02:03:06 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #i'm DYING over here at number 1

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lightsorigins · 4 years

Text

Fluctuations

When he opened his eyes, Malden remained as straight as a board. He stared at the bedroom ceiling for a few seconds before turning his head to the window. The shutters were wide open. Yet he remembered that Kieran had closed them the night before. It didn't matter. He stood up slowly and felt the icy cold of the systemic dawn make him shiver. It was around nine o'clock, the sun was rising. Even slower than he was, he thought. Malden knew that it was not easy to be more phlegmatic than he was.

- Except you, Mr. Sun," he murmured, still leaning out the window.

He lost himself in his thoughts for a few minutes. Now that he'd had a good time with his friend, he'd have to think about going home and face his mother's wrath for allowing himself to leave the day before. What an idea to get up so early! He remembered very well that sleep had come late, and fatigue would quickly overcome him during the day. Malden turned and saw Kieran lying on his back, his blanket over part of his body diagonally. He was sleeping with his mouth open and snoring so loudly he could have woken a dragon. The sight made him chuckle.

Discreetly, he collected his things, put on his shoes, and left the apartment without waking anyone. He put on his headphones and played "How Long Can I Go" by "Sam Celentano". Once outside, several options came to mind. There was a park north of Lausya, where he often went to play sports. He also had a painting he had started and wanted to finish. However, the longer he stayed outside, the more problems he would have to deal with when he returned.

- It's up to me. I can go to the park and do push-ups. Take up my painting, knowing that I might run into mom. Maybe I can give Sylva a call and see if I can't come over early. I could have stayed at Kieran's, but now that I'm out, I'm not going to wake him up to come back... And seeing as he's asleep, he won't wake up, that's for sure, he concluded by putting his hand on his face.

Malden suddenly noticed that he had a few unread messages. Naturally, these were from his mother. The most important one was this:

"I don't appreciate your attitude lately. We'll have a discussion as soon as you get home. You know there are rules to follow in this house, and they apply to everyone, even you! »

The first response that came to mind was "You never liked my attitude, and you never understood me. "But he found it too tiring to get into a conflict with her. It was better not to escalate the situation. Akane, his mother, had been an adventurer during her youth. During certain periods, it happened that she went on adventures for a few weeks with her old group of friends. She is a Gial (Earth) atmologist, focused on the Veltôs (Control) path, and her atmology is an ochre red. At a very young age, Akane received a strict and hard education, and also underwent many hazing which forged her character for sure. She has never been an example of softness. This hard and uncompromising character made communication with Malden particularly complicated over the years.

It didn't matter in the end. Malden decided to get on his way and go home. He might as well face Mother Dragon as quickly as possible to put out the flames. Unfortunately, it didn't take much for his mood to be affected. These expressions from his mother reminded him how lonely he felt in his family, despite the good relationship he had with his sister Sawako, and his brother Hayate. He always ended up being seen as too intense, too whiny or touchy and moody. When he thought about it, however, Malden knew that factually he lacked nothing. He was a healthy, rather good-looking young man, good at a few subjects, athletic, with a group of sympathetic and understanding friends, a certain amount of freedom in his personal life, and so on. However, it seemed that something was missing.

It was as if there was a void somewhere. A fear of not living up to his own image, or of failing at what he could do. He was so special that he could be admired for the strangeness of his thoughts and artistic productions, but also stigmatized, and found "weird", or "unapproachable", to use terms he had heard about himself. Yet he longed to be accepted for who he was, without becoming like everyone else.

When he opened the door to the apartment, he expected to find his mother getting ready for work. Instead, he found Sawako sitting in the kitchen. She was having breakfast: a glass of hot delicatessen milk with a little pethmergale sugar. The whole thing made the milk look dark and creamy. She was reading a manga while smoking a cigarette.

- Hi! he said. I didn't think you'd be here at this hour. I thought I'd find Mom instead.

- Nah, she left pretty early this morning to buy some stuff. I don't think she's gonna be back for a while. Where did you go anyway? Kieran's?

- Yeah. We wanted to watch "Alvist Wars" quietly, but Isaac had come into my room yesterday to snoop on something. I yelled at her, she got involved and... well, you know mom.

- Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, she wasn't too happy about it. In fact, she was angry that you broke like that. I understand, but you could have avoided it, or told me about it. I would have tempered the situation a bit, you know how I usually do.

- I know, but Kieran kind of rushed me, I didn't have much time to make my decision. I've done this plenty of times before, but it seems like yesterday was worse than usual. Why is that?

- Didn't Mom tell you what we have to do tonight?

- No?

- Okay, too weird. Well, actually we're supposed to go to Welliyo with Dad, Mom and Helen to see Melva. Maybe there's some news about her memory, but nothing transcendent you know.

Malden hiccupped in surprise and recoiled slightly. He felt stupid, but also excluded for not having been kept in the loop.

- Is she serious? Why didn't she tell me?

- I think she was going to propose to you yesterday.

- Suggesting me the day before for the day after? What if I had something to do? Yes, I would have canceled. I would cancel anything to go see Melva, but still.

- Anyway, chances are that's why she's so upset about your escapade yesterday. You should just apologize and tell her you'll be there tonight, if you want to be safe. I'll cover for you, but do what I say. I mean, I'll figure out how to fix it, I'll improvise.

- And you think you can get Isaac to stop making my life miserable?

- Don't worry, I'll work it out by ruining his. There are a few things he and I need to discuss. He's still asleep, but I'm setting him up for a real wake-up call.

- You're handling it, thanks. I have to go see Sylvania this afternoon. Do you think you can handle that too?

- Consider it done," Sawako replied, winking at him.

Malden knew he could always count on her in many circumstances. At 27 years old, she was the oldest of her siblings, and therefore the one with the authority right after her parents. And fortunately, Sawako had a lot in common with Malden. Both of them were very sensitive and attached to their deepest values, but Sawako tended to be more withdrawn and passive than her brother. She was a specialist in the art of running away and saying nothing, letting go, sleeping and lazing around. Beyond her studies in water atmology, she loved to write poetry, fiction, and play video games with horror, romance, and role-playing themes. At least that's what her mother told her. Malden, on the other hand, was much more active and enjoyed going out, shopping and discovering more about the world around him. With his pocket money, he bought a lot of things like incense, posters and an infinite amount of clothes that he could wear according to his moods. Besides,

since he would have to go back to Sylvania in the afternoon, he started looking for different clothes to change into after his shower. Leaving his hair down, Malden put a diamond-shaped earring in his left ear, as well as a golden pendant with a small sphere. He put on a gray sweater with "N.O.T.H.I.N.G." in bright green letters. Further down, in small print, it read "Nobody On This Healthiest Irrelevant Narrow-minded Globality. ». Malden liked to wear this sweater when he wasn't sure how he felt. He often hoped that those closest to him would be able to decode this information and understand how he was feeling by carefully observing how he dressed. But it never worked.He went to his room to finish getting ready. After putting on his black shorts and sneakers, the same green as his sweater's typography, he heard his mother coming back to the apartment. Sawako immediately struck up a conversation with her. Malden reached out to listen.

- Malden is back to the point.

- Is he in his room?

- Yeah, but I think it's best to leave it alone for a bit today.

- Oh no! Have you seen how he's acting right now? I have to talk to him, this is too much. And he doesn't answer the messages I leave! That's not an attitude!

- I know, I know mom. But he's a teenager, so you have to imagine that he's going to do a few more silly things like that.

- Sawako, do you defend your brother when he takes the wrong path? Do you think you're helping him to act that way?

Akane spoke loudly and raised her voice with every sentence. She was panting, exhausted from bringing all the groceries alone from the store. Despite her intensive training as a fighter, she was much less active since she had built her family life, and was therefore much more quickly tired for actions that, in her youth, were just a walk in the park for her.

- Plus no one helped me with the groceries today! I have to do everything alone in this house, it's not possible! Call your father for me, so he can come and help me clean up instead of sleeping again!

- Mom, I'm not defending Malden, but I think you're overreacting a bit. He just went to Kieran's. He wanted to watch "Alvist Wars" and he came home early. He's doing well in school and he doesn't have bad company. Don't you think you should leave him alone for a while and deal with Suzanne and Hayate, who are always provoking him?

- Yes, yes it's good. Okay, I'll leave it. Let him do. Call your father now. Is Malden coming tonight so we can go visit Melva, yes or no?

- It will be there.

Malden smiled broadly and clenched his fist in victory. What could he do without Sawako? He felt himself growing wings. The weekend would probably be much more enjoyable than he had imagined. Grabbing his cell phone, he decided to send a message to Sylvania.

"Hi Sylva 😊! Do you think we could eat together this lunch? Like, at a snack bar not too far from your place, and then we spend the afternoon together like we said? »

Every time he took the time to send her a message, Malden's hands were shaking and sweaty. Would he choose the right words? Was he being pushy? Or too weird? Did she realize how he felt about her? And even worse: did he really feel something for her? And this something, was it love? It was so complex for him to understand, so difficult to be totally sure, considering the particular situation. Didn't she just remind him of his sister, who is now in the hospital and he misses her so much? Malden didn't know. He always came to the conclusion that it was probably best to let it go and see where it would take him.

His phone vibrated. It was her. She had just answered! He hurried to open the message.

"Hi Malden! That's a really cool proposal. Where do you want to eat? And what do you want to eat? Something usual and not too far away, just to do it quietly? »

"Noon, at the pizza place across the street from you? »

"Perfect! See you later! »

Since everything was already planned, all he had to do was spend the time he had left doing something he liked. So he threw himself into the painting he had started a few days ago. Malden was fond of searching for photographs of various places in the Mysticiën, and recently his attention had been drawn to pictures of the Omaltäb Forests in Almarosa territory to the south. He was busy redrawing the trees with pink, dark blue, green or even black foliage that could be found there. The simple fact of smelling the paint in the room made him feel a certain fullness that nothing else could give him. After taking care to lock the door of his room so as not to be disturbed, he painted for a long time and moved forward on his canvas. If for some reason he couldn't become an alvist or a martial artist, Malden knew he would become a painter and would do everything he could to fulfill that dream. And even if he did become an alvist and a martial artist, he would be a painter too! With his savings, he vowed to buy a high performance camera and take photographs from original angles and then redesign and paint unusual places in the country, giving them a special interpretation with special color schemes. This was how he would communicate to the world the way he perceived and felt the universe. This idea excited him.

Shortly before the appointment time, Malden rushed to the front door to get going. When he opened it, he passed the kitchen, where he saw his parents preparing dinner. While he was already on the landing, he heard his mother's authoritative voice.

- Be back by five o'clock, we'll go see Melva. We won't wait for you forever.

- Uh, yes, Mom. See you tonight!

- That's it," she said dismissively.

The sun was shining on Lausya, accompanied by a rather strong wind. A gust of wind blew straight towards Malden, removing his hood and messing up his hair. He who wanted to be elegant for Sylvania, it was from now on lost pain. He sighed discreetly while putting back his hood. That was not going to dry his good mood found. He was now listening to "Apricot" by "Sam Celentano". Malden could already imagine himself with Sylvania teaching him some scales and making him listen to her melodies. Her calmness, her kindness and her rigor were for him like nectar and ambrosia. He admired her terribly, and these sentimental questions about her were very recent. But he had known her for a few years already.

After a few minutes, Malden reached the main square where Sylvania and her mother lived. There was a fountain in the center, and some stone slabs decorated with flowers tended by the city's gardeners. A few people were there, including groups of children who had come to buy pancakes or ice cream, despite the cold season. Sitting under a white umbrella at one of the many tables of the local pizzeria, Sylvania was waiting patiently, her phone in hand. She had let her long red hair down, was wearing a white dress with blue polka dots and a small silver necklace and a pair of simple earrings of the same complexion. When she saw Malden, she waved at him.

- Hi! How are you? I'm so hungry! I've already reserved a table for the two of us, so what should we order? Asked she, cheerful.

- I'll probably have a salad with a slice of pizza. I'm not very hungry, but it'll do for me!

- Are you sure you'll have enough energy to listen to my news and convince me to join your group if you don't eat enough? She joked.

- Don't worry about it. I want you to join us enough, I don't need a pizza to help me!

After they had actually placed their order, the two young people ate together and talked about the rain and the weather. Malden admired the way Sylvania spoke about her extracurricular activities, but also her involvement in various social struggles. She was already very active on Signold - a well-known social network on Elzetarân - and shared many videos about animal causes and ecology. Sylvania already seemed to be a big shot and followed very closely the actions of the Renovators' Guild. It was a group of atmologists and adventurers of all kinds, formed several decades ago. They were in charge of monitoring the development of the ecosystems and biomes of Elzetari after certain confrontations, whose damage could have seriously damaged various places and destroyed the fauna, as well as the flora.

Time passed without them noticing. Soon enough, they finished their meal and went to Sylvania. Coming from a well-to-do family, they lived in a large residence where the richest inhabitants of Lausanne were to be found. The mayor, Oscar Fanghël, lived nearby with his wife and son. Malden was always impressed when he set foot in Sylvania's house: everything was always so clean! The living room seemed huge and everything he saw seemed to be priceless. The marble walls of a very light and sober

grey were decorated with paintings showing fantastic scenes. One could see atmological warriors fighting carniocs and wild creatures in the skies, unleashing various elemental forces.

- Every time you come over, you can't help but leave your eyes glued to the picture in the living room. You know I'm going to end up asking my mom if I can give it to you, right?

Malden flinched and blushed. He had never realized how much these paintings could absorb him. The idea that he might be seen to be lusting after them embarrassed him.

- Oh no, not at all! It's just... I really wish I had a talent like that. You know, I see how well the color scheme is mastered, it drives me crazy! There is the light, so well reflected, and the contrast between the atmos used by the fighters on the painting, the expression of pain on the creatures, and even the effects of the wind that blows even though we don't see it. It's beautiful. Every time I see it, I feel like it's the first one.

- I think it was Cleora Stolteïska who made this painting. I would have to see it again with my mother. And it seems to me that she is still alive. Maybe one day, if you meet her, you can ask her how she did it?

Malden's eyes seemed to light up. He began to do some research on his cell phone and found more of the painter's work.

- Wow, she's so good... If I met her, I wouldn't even know how to ask her questions. Well, anyway, I'll deal with that when I get home. For now, I have someone else talented to admire on her compositions, right?

- Don't overdo it! I'm just getting by on my mom's classes when it comes to reproducing classics. For my creations, it remains to be seen... I'm not very comfortable with the idea of doing new things, that go out of the box, I'm afraid it won't be very pleasant to the ear, also because...

- Hey, Sylva! he interrupted her. It's not serious, you have to try in life. Let me listen!

- But if you think it's ugly, you probably won't want me in your group.

- Does this mean that you want to join our group so badly that I don't actually need to convince you?

She hiccupped with surprise and put her hands in front of her mouth. Sylvania had tricked herself. She was more interested in the idea of being part of this music group that was forming than anything else, but she didn't want it to be so obvious. She would still be seen as the girl with no friends, who craved acceptance from others.

- It's true," she sighed. Well, enough wasted time. Sit down on the couch. I'll play you this little piece. I was inspired by "rocking horse" by "Etolica. ».

Without adding a word, Malden settled comfortably on the black velvet sofa. Sylvania took her turn on the small purple seat where she sat to play the piano. She had her back to him, slowly positioning her fingers on the keys. The girl took a deep breath before starting to play the first notes of her composition. The start was awkward but soon she gained confidence and began to play with more assurance. The notes flowed together with a certain smoothness.

To Malden, it was as if a beautiful story was being told. He was so impressed by her dexterity that he wanted to get closer to her to better admire her performance. However, for fear of distracting her, he preferred to stay behind and come without making any noise. She was in front of the large window, giving on a great part of the city. He admired the view as he listened to the soft melody played by his friend, while he imagined how these notes would blend with Teano's expertise on the guitar, Kieran's voice and his drumming.

The listening went on for almost three minutes, during which time Malden was totally transported. He found himself re-admiring the painting by Cleora Stolteïska that hung on the living room wall. This creation and Sylvania's composition went so well together that he imagined one day he would be a painter of masterpieces and she a professional pianist, creating melodies around his world-renowned paintings. An exciting future, from which he exited as soon as Sylvania gave the last note of her essay. A few seconds were necessary for her to come back to reality. She took again a big inspiration, then she got up and turned slowly towards her friend. The window was left open, and a cold breeze crossed the room and shook her long dress as well as her hair. An image that stuck in Malden's mind and he swore to himself that he would paint this scene.

- There, now you know my little music. I know it's probably too soft for what you're doing, but it's the best I have in stock right now.

- Sylvania, it's really beautiful. It's probably silly and simple as an opinion, but I don't know what else to add... Then, I don't play the piano, so I imagine that there are things to be revised, it's possible. But anyway, I really liked it. You know Kieran, he likes it when it moves a little bit more, but then Teano will be over the moon, you can believe me!

- Do you think so? She asked hesitantly, as she nervously played with her fingers.

- I don't think so: I know so! Will you show me some other things? Songs you learned with your mother for example, maybe we could rework some of them and see how to create other songs together from that!

- It's a good idea. So, let's see...

All afternoon long, Sylvania and Malden discussed and studied in detail different compositions, some of which they took care to select to present to Malden and Teano. Gradually, more than his ambiguous attraction to Sylvania, it was his passion for art and music that took over. He was very curious and concentrated in these tasks, as she was too.

Since the time for him to be reunited with his family was fast approaching, Malden prepared to leave to avoid being late. But just before he left, Sylvania received a phone call that seemed to puzzle her.

- An unexpected call? he asked.

- Well... It's Annabelle. You know, the girl in Sara's class.

He looked at her with a puzzled look.

- Maybe it's her mother calling? I think she works with yours, right?

- Not anymore. They kept in touch but... Well, wait. "Hello?" She says.

"Yes, Sylvania? It's Annabelle. Sorry, we haven't talked in a while, but I've been trying to reach Sara and even her brother but no one answers! »

"No worries Anna. But do you need anything? »

"This will probably sound weird to you, but my grandfather came back from a long trip a few days ago. And you'll never guess: he brought back with him a Phelidus Tenebris! »

As Sylvania turned on the speaker phone, Malden also heard the news. He struggled to keep his astonishment from being heard. The Pelidus, whatever their nature, were extremely powerful creatures and known to be dangerous.

"A Phelidus? " Sylvania repeated, worried. "It's still very dangerous! Do the authorities know that this creature is here, in Lausya? What do you want us to do for you? »

"She's dying and has little ones... six to be exact. That's a bit long, and I don't have much time. Listen, I wish you could come to my house together as soon as possible, you and Sara and the others. Grandpa will be there, he'll be able to explain. »

"I... well, okay Annabelle. I hope it's nothing serious anyway. I'll see what I can do to keep them updated and get back to you! »

"Thank you Sylva! »

She hung up her phone and looked at Malden, stunned.

- A Pelidus with babies... How often do you hear such stories?

- Even the participants of "War of the Alvists" don't have Pelidus! Malden added. The thing I remember is that his grandfather must be really good. Renyu says you can only find them at Failghost Manor. And do you know what they say about that manor?

- Yeah, that it's haunted or something... We'll talk about it again, I should let you go before your mom gives you a hard time for being late. It's already a miracle my mom wasn't there today and we got to see each other, might as well not ruin the end of the day!

- You're right, I'm leaving. I forgot one thing! I think you're meeting Teano later on, right?

- Yes, and he has to spend the night at Renyu's house right after.

- You can tell him that I did some research the other day, and I found a luthier that might be of interest to him, since he wanted to try his hand at the electric guitar.

With that, Malden and Sylvania parted ways. He walked through the spacious corridors of the building before finding himself outside, taken by the temperature which seemed to have dropped a few degrees compared to the early afternoon. Happy with this exciting afternoon, he then thought about what he would learn when he arrived at the hospital with his family. If Melva remembered him, at least for a few seconds during the visit, nothing could make him happier. But Malden refused to deny it. With his headphones in, he shuffled along, his imagination conjuring up the worst scenarios about his sister's shattered memory. His mood wavered again.

When he arrived home, his parents were getting ready to leave. Sawako was already ready, a long dark blue leather coat on her back and her black hair done up in a neat bun. Aware of her brother's difficulty in dealing with this situation, she simply patted him on the shoulder and gave him a hug.

- Don't worry Maldou, she'll remember us one day. The more we go to see her, the more it will help her.

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t1dlikeme · 4 years

Text

Sofie's Story

“When you recognize that failing doesn’t make you a failure, you give yourself permission to try all sorts of things.” ~ Lauren Fleshman, is one of my favorite quotes, and something to remind myself in terms of diabetes management, training, and life!

Diagnosis

As a shy high school multi-sport athlete (track, soccer, and skiing) in Albuquerque, NM, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at age 16. I went from 2nd in state in the 800 my Sophomore year, to struggling to staying awake in class as a 4.0 student and barely making it through practices and workouts. With no history or knowledge of T1D in my family, we didn’t recognize the symptoms—I had a head-to-toe rash after swimming in waterfalls in Hawaii (may have triggered it) followed by months of losing weight despite eating jars of peanut butter and food each week just to keep energy—which my doctor at first thought “she’s a growing athlete” but we got bloodwork anyways. A week later, after yet another frustrating track meet, I was in the hospital with a blood sugar of 586, and was pumped to finally figure it out (until about 3 hours later when I remember eating a pear and seeing my blood sugar skyrocket, I burst into tears realizing how much of a change it would be!)

Fast Forward…A Few Years

After basically wanting to forget about high school (hiding in the bathroom to take shots, self-conscious and developed anxiety about weight gain post-diagnosis and just wanting to fit in), I needed something different. Although being a perfectionist and being shy / hiding from others gave me time to master my A1C early, it wasn’t sustainable and I internalized it all—until I got to college. 2000 miles from home, I chose Marquette 1) for the biomedical engineering program, and 2) for receiving a D1 Soccer Scholarship as a goalkeeper, but what I didn’t realize, is it would teach me to open up about my diagnosis and become a better athlete and advocate. I confided in my athletic trainer, who helped me with check-ins during practice (which could sometimes go 1-2 hours over the scheduled time!), and realizing we needed about ½ cup of gatorade + water every hour, supplemented with pedialyte during preseason. It was nice having my trainer, since I could get around going straight to the coaches (at first I didn’t want it to be seen as a weakness!) and she could carry around my gear for me, if needed.

While goalkeeping allowed for easier access to management during games, practices, etc. I continued to find myself gravitating towards running, strength, and conditioning. My senior year, I began to go for runs while we were on away trips and started to become hooked—I found new ways to manage my BG’s and low intensity running basically was ‘insulin in my back pocket.! After finishing my collegiate soccer career, I joined the ‘Run with the President’ running group at Marquette with Dr. Michael Lovell (our MU President). It was around this time that another faculty member, John Klika, took me to coffee and was fascinated by my thesis research of designing a lifestyle computer algorithm and model to predict glucose and hormonal levels based on activity, stress, diet, etc. It turns out he was Type 1 himself—and a multi-ironman athlete.

With a newfound confidence and support group, I gradually built my mileage and learned so many things from John about management, who also joined the running group and convinced me to run my first half marathon. It went really well—until, the group said next step: “the marathon.” I was like absolutely no way, I came from sprints up and down the field and have Type 1 Diabetes—I'm not sure I’m ready for that! But, I’m not one to step down from the challenge, and I had the group helping me through the whole way. I remember my first 18-miler—5 miles from the end, I couldn’t run more than 5 steps as I couldn’t keep my blood sugar up, even with having the proper supplies, and I was just defeated. My body wasn’t used to this, having to rely primarily on glucose as fuel, instead of an intensity and fuel mix. But, I kept going—my track workouts got faster, and my next long run, 20 miles, no stopping! (It’s also important to note that I was also doing some triathlon training too, which helped keep a balance).

I was ready and excited. Dexcom in my shorts pocket, 3 gels and gummy bears (of course), and friends cheering every step of the way! It couldn’t have been more perfect—flat line BG’s, fuel every 45 min to steady, the adrenaline rush at the 22-mile mark (the furthest I’d ever run in my life!), all propelling me to a 3rd place finish in 2:52. That was one of the best beers, post-race, I’d ever had in my life. This finish created numerous opportunities for me, including becoming a founding member of Diabetes Sports Project, JDRF Keynote talks, and more training—I wanted to try and qualify for Olympic Marathon Trials (2:45). Unfortunately, along with these positives, came a very long string (~2-3 years) of off and on injuries—I walked 13 miles of the Boston Marathon in 2017 with a tibial stress fracture, the first of a few, and just could not catch a break. These times had a lot of lows, but taught me the resilience of having other outlets, support communities, and managing my diabetes without the ability to exercise all the time (I had started to rely on this as a form of natural ‘insulin’ all through college and into running).

Looking back, these years of ups-and-downs were crucial to my development of outreach and community, my career, and finding the right balance of strength and running to stay healthy (turns out, soccer weight training had a lot to do with my injury free 25 years of my life!). I like to call this time falling not failing, something my therapist came up with (yes, I was seeing one, for anxiety and some low grade depression, which is something I will talk about now, since I think it is incredibly important that if you have any of these feelings, especially as a T1D, you are not alone!). I took a job as a medical device engineer at Dexcom and moved to San Diego, CA, acting as a liaison between clinical, regulatory, quality, design and systems engineers, which was the perfect place for me as a T1D! I started the Dexcom Running Club, and from that, have some of the fondest memories. San Diego is also where I joined Prado Racing Team (PRT), and found my coach, Paul Wellman, who I still work with today. PRT helped me find the love of running again, and I PR’d in every distance while training with them, and having a lot of fun doing so!

My time in San Diego culminated with making an attempt at running an Olympic Trials qualifying time at CIM 2019, which I just missed in 2:49. It was such an incredible experience, however, even with missing my goal—3-minute PR, running with teammates, HEALTHY and injury-free for an entire training period, and friendships. I did have a diabetes learning experience, though, which I will take forward with future races—not all nuun is ‘carb-free’! It was on the course, and I assumed it was the zero-carbs flavor, so I took it at almost every aide station, causing me to sharply rise at about Mile 11 (especially coupled with adrenaline), which unfortunately caused some cramping around Mile 15 and slowed me off my 2:43 pace. Luckily, I was able to power through, and I will be more prepared next time.

Current:

I have recently moved back to Albuquerque, NM, where I grew up. After looking for an opportunity to grow my career and move into management, this was the right move for me, and is now allowing me to explore altitude training and new heights, literally and figuratively! My family is still here, and with COVID, it has been nice to be close (and living with my boyfriend, Steve). While I am not training for any races in particular, I’m making attempts at a sub 5:00 mile (currently at 5:05 at altitude) as a ‘mini’ goal, and just trying to enjoy the simplicities of running! I am getting back into the volunteering scene, particularly with my non-profit, Diabetes Sports Project, and of course, JDRF.

Some Tips, Tricks, and Life Lessons!

Always be prepared—gummy bears in my sports bra are my favorite! I’ve learned many lessons along the way, including one of my first solo long run experiences with a low blood sugar and having to ask gas stations for a Gatorade that I would come back and pay for later (not my finest moment, but turns out, people can be very helpful!). Always carry a card or cash and know your numbers. Plus, some great times of having snacks on hand: my running buddies favorite line is “Hey Sof! How’s your BG?” “Great!! Why?” “Can I have some of your snacks….).” They need it too, and are thankful for it when they bonk!

Train with people who know you at your best and at your worst, and your symptoms—those are the ones that can push you through tough workouts to the end when you don’t think you can run one more rep or mile, or can more importantly, tell you when you need a break and to take a step back. It’s often trial and error in knowing what intensities affect your blood sugar the most, but with a community, you can’t fail—you learn. As unpredictable as it is sometimes, Type 1 actually can give you an athletic edge. You have to know what your blood sugar is at all times, and how your body is feeling. No one else has to do that!

Sofie Schunk

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sixpaq45-blog1 · 7 years

Link

Part of the reason the @tie is important is because if you look closely on your 📺 screen you can see 👀 looking back at you. The clothing worn on most stations are also #significant because their designed to catch your attention without you actually seeing the f@ces of other's. Ever see how those screen's flo@t when they're talking? Well if you're looking at your screen then suddenly 👀 shadows in your room, you're not tripping! New @technology designed to spy on you.

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trans-matters · 7 years

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My friend just told me that he thinks he's transgender and I want to support him but I'm not sure how because I've never dealt with this kind of thing first hand before, do you have any advice?

I found the following article had some good tips, I’m going to past the article in here.

SOURCE: http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/06/how-to-be-ally-to-trans-friend/

1. Find an Appropriate Space to Process Your Thoughts and Feels

Holy guacamole! Transgender?

Maybe it’s been a long time coming, or maybe you’re completely shocked. You might be scared, or uncertain, or downright confused. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s understandable that you have some processing to do.

Because while your friend has had years to come to this realization, you haven’t had much time to figure it all out.

That’s totally okay! Take some time, some space, and unpack those thoughts and feels.

However, the important thing to know is this: It is not your friend’s responsibility to help you sort out your feelings.

That is, while it’s perfectly understandable that you might be struggling with your friend’s transition, it’s not fair to unload that weight onto your friend.

Your friend already has a lot on their plate. A transition is a big step! And chances are, they’ve come out to a lot of people at once. They are likely not in a position to guide each individual person through the complicated feelings that they have about this transition.

Nor should they – during such an emotional time, it could be hurtful (and even traumatic!) to try to ease people into acceptance.

Your friend has asked for your support during a really challenging life event. It’s not an appropriate time to demand that they shoulder your emotional baggage when they are already carrying such an enormous weight!

Instead, seek out a support group, whether it’s online or offline. Look to other friends that you trust to help you process your feelings. Journal about what you might be thinking. Seek a creative or physical outlet that lets you release some of the stress you might be feeling.

This allows you to be in a better place to support your friend and ensures that you won’t be triggering your friend by saying something unintentionally hurtful as you try to process.

2. Do Your Homework

I’m going to sound like a broken record by now, because this is far and away the most frequent advice I give to allies of trans folks.

But it’s true! You gotta do your homework!

The Internet is a magical place, and there’s an enormous wealth of information out there on the transgender community. And if you’re looking to support your friend, it’s a great idea to do a little bit of research.

This takes your friend off the hot seat instead of forcing them to painstakingly educate you (and many others) on every little aspect of their experience.

This article is a great place to start, but there are many other places to go from here! GLAAD has an abundance of friendly resources to get you started on the basics. You can always poke around the transgender tag or non-binary tag here at Everyday Feminism, too.

And depending on how your friend identifies (maybe they’re neutrois, non-binary, or genderqueer!), there are so many fantastic blogs written by trans folks where you can get direct insight into the experience of being trans.

If you’re overwhelmed by the reading, you can always hop over to YouTube and let Ash Hardell (and fantastic special guests!) school you on everything gender, or check out Dr. Doe at Sexplanations as she chats about the social construction of gender in sailor attire (no, seriously, she’s dressed like a sailor).

You’ll have the benefit of deepening your knowledge of gender (how cool!), and your friend will appreciate that you took the time to learn.

3. Respect and Validate Their Identity

The worst thing you can do for your friend is invalidate their identity. When your friend comes out as transgender, it’s not your place to greet them with disbelief, amusement, contradiction, or a refusal to recognize their gender.

Regardless of how you perceived them in the past, it’s your responsibility to believe your friend when they come out – and affirm their sense of self.

For example, when I came out, a number of people told me they were having a difficult time believing me because I had worn dresses in the past and had seemed to enjoy femininity. They suggested that I was confused and should take more time to think about it.

When a trans person comes out to you, it isn’t your place to tell them how they should or shouldn’t identify. No one can know someone’s gender except for the person themselves. If they say they are non-binary, they are. If they say they are a woman, they are. If they say they are a man, guess what? They are.

This probably goes without saying, but support means using the name they have asked to be called, using the pronouns that they have requested, and tuning in when they share their experiences – without judgment, without contradiction, and without accusation.

Remember that appearances can’t tell you what someone’s gender is. Gender is not something you can necessarily see, although we sometimes choose to express our gender in a particular way. Gender is not a haircut, a way of dressing, a set of body parts, or a set of behaviors. Gender is a sense of self, an identity that is only for us to declare.

So please, don’t say things like “But are you really?” or “I don’t believe that” or “Those pronouns are too complicated.”

If you are having a hard time accepting someone as transgender, give yourself the space and time you need to get to a place where you can better support this person before attempting to give support.

4. Don’t Just Talk the Talk

Sometimes being supportive means showing the fuck up.

Being an ally is about more than just vocalizing your support. One really excellent and helpful way to show that you’re standing by your friend is to offer tangible, concrete support to make their transition a little bit easier and make our lives as trans people a little bit safer.

Do they have a doctor’s appointment or a surgery consultation? Offer to drive or hang out in the waiting room. Are they going to court to legally change their name? Bring them flowers and accompany them. Are they shopping for new clothes? Ask to tag along.

If your friend is using a public restroom but they’re afraid for their safety, offer to go with them. If they’re fearful of using public transportation, offer to ride with them or give them a ride. If they need to get home after a fun night out, offer to call them a reputable cab or walk them home. Because while the victims are never at fault, the reality is that transgender people are statistically more likely to be the victims of violence and assault.

And if your friend is experiencing body dysphoria, I’ve written an entire article on steps you can take to support them.

And of course, ask your friend if there’s anything you can do. Your friend may have something in mind that they won’t ask for unless prompted.

We are the experts on our own experience, so it’s best to check in with us before assuming our needs.

5. Be an Ally and Advocate (Without Overstepping)

Support can be personal, of course, and standing by your friend through their transition is a valuable and wonderful thing.

But in today’s world, being transgender is sadly not just a personal struggle. Often times, it’s political. There are difficult battles each and every day being fought over our right to exist, our right to be recognized, and our right to be safe.

Being a supportive friend can also mean being an ally – because creating change is one of the best ways to make your friend’s transition safer, easier, and more empowering.

“Whoa,” you might say. “That sounds serious. But where do I even start?”

Well, here’s a list of 52 things you can do for transgender equality. Yes, 52; so don’t tell me there’s nothing to be done! You can do one thing per week for a year, damn it.

Ultimately it means making sure you are politically engaged and aware when there are issues at stake for the trans community (hint: this means always).

It can be as simple as voting “yes” on local ordinances that will support the trans community or calling someone in when they say something problematic about trans people.

It can mean being involved at your local LGBTQIA+ center and canvassing for a trans cause or donating to a fantastic trans organization.

But it also means stepping out of the spotlight and allowing trans people to lead and tell their own stories.

You should amplify the voices of trans people – sharing their work, inviting them to conferences and universities, getting them involved wherever possible – rather than speaking over them.

There’s always more work to be done. And if you’re looking to support your friend who is trans, it’s time to make this world a better place for all trans people.

6. Learn to Take Criticism and Know How to Apologize

Even if you follow every bit of advice in this article, you will still make mistakes. And I want to remind you that making mistakes is okay, as long as you’re willing to receive criticism and apologize sincerely.

Remember that regardless of your intention, your impact is still important. You may not have meant to spill coffee on my shirt, but I imagine that if you did, you would still apologize and you would still try to help me clean things up. Because, you know, I’m assuming you’re a nice person.

You may mix up your friend’s pronouns by accident. You may say something insensitive, only to realize this later on. Even I, as a trans person, make mistakes with other trans people from time to time. We’re all learning. Every single one of us!

Just recently, a thoughtful friend and fellow Everyday Feminism writer, Adrian, explained to me that a word I was using was actually extremely harmful to trans women. Instead of getting all prickly and defensive about it, I had to remind myself that this was a great opportunity to do some growing and avoid hurting others in the future.

Even I make mistakes! What’s most important is to learn from those mistakes.

So how do you apologize?

When you misgender someone, it’s best to offer a quick apology, a correction, and let the conversation move forward. Nothing is more awkward than a person spending five minutes apologizing for misgendering you and completely redirecting the conversation. I shouldn’t feel like I have to console or comfort you after you’ve made a mistake, right?

When there’s a bigger hiccup – maybe you’ve said something offensive without realizing it – it’s good to know how to give a sincere apology. There’s an amazing video that breaks this down that is basically required viewing for anyone who aspires to be a decent human.

As the brilliant Franchesca Ramsey says in her video, “A real genuine apology is made up of two parts: the first part is you take responsibility for what you’ve done, and then the second part is you make a commitment to change the behavior.”

If you’ve said something that is hurtful to your friend, an apology can be the difference between a rift in your relationship and an opportunity for growth. Never underestimate the power of a sincere apology.

—-

Kyle

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ellenlucasonlinedatingblog · 7 years

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Sexuality in Color: Forward Together

After some much-needed rest and self care, I'm back this week and ready to talk about some of the amazing work that is being done out there to protect, support, and empower queer and trans people of color.

Today I want to focus on a few very important projects: Strong Families, Echoing Ida, Trans Day of Resilience (TDOR), and Mamas Day, which all fall under the umbrella of their parent organization, Forward Together. Forward Together aims to fight for the "rights, recognition, and resources that all families need to live" through research, analysis, and community-building around sociopolitical issues of gender, family, immigration, violence, and reproductive justice. I could spend all day writing about just one of these projects and the work that they do, but I also have to get out of my house and do some gender justice work of my own!.

Strong Families was the first of these resources that I really became familiar with - they're a group dedicated to addressing the 4/5 in the U.S. that aren't nuclear/behind the picket fence, which is to say, that they are comprised of a father who works, a mother who stays at home, and traditionally conceived children. They're most known for the beautiful Mama's Day e-cards that they put out every year around Mother's Day, in which artists of color reimagine the traditional U.S. Mother's Day narrative to include the experiences of people across all sorts of identities (gender, sexuality, race, ability, immigration status, incarceration, and so many more). According to them, a mama can be anyone that helps provide a sense of family, love, community, or support, regardless of how they self-identify. Not only is this project aesthetically beautiful and soul-affirming, but it provides representation and connection for so many folks that might otherwise feel excluded on family-focused holidays (even for those that don't have a mama at all). To the left are two of my favorite mermaids, who remind me that there are infinite ways of being, and that in my own right, I am a star.

Another art-centered representative resource that Strong Families coordinates is Trans Day of Resilience (TDOR), which, again, is near and dear to my heart. Through these visual works, many of the same QPTOC artists offer a companion to Trans Day of Remembrance, a holiday on November 20th in which we honor and raise awareness about the trans and gender non-conforming folks (especially trans women of color) whose lives are lost every year due to aggressive transphobia, incarceration, police brutality, and gendered violence. This is not to detract in any way from the important work that is done by Trans Day of Remembrance, but instead complements it by acknowledging the injustices of those we have lost while also reimagining positive futures.

It can be all to easy to look at news feeds and social media and be overwhelmed by the constant coverage of incidents of violence, racism, and bigotry that queer and trans people of color face every day, and being able to look at beautiful artwork that celebrates our collective beauty, resilience, and tireless efforts to obtain justice is a beautiful thing.

Echoing Ida is another project of Forward Together, dedicated to uplifting the voices of black women and nonbinary people whose writing focuses on the intersections of their gendered and racialized experiences. It's named after Ida B. Wells, a political writer, feminist, and activist who voiced her opinions and organized fiercely about issues like the women's right to vote and the bigoted violence (especially lynchings) that constituted an everyday reality for post-slavery black communities in the U.S. She was one of the people who helped found the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) to address the issues of systemic racism and brutality towards people of color during their time. And unfortunately, these issues are still relevant today, and addressing them is exactly what the folks at Echoing Ida are doing - together they've published over 275 pieces across various online outlets, expanding topics to include the experiences of people of color such as incarceration and immigration, reproductive justice/injustice, widespread health disparities and income gaps, and intersectional identity politics.

This week I'm freaking out in the best possible way about a resource created via Forward Together in 2009 to specifically address discussions of sex and reproductive justice in the Asian/American/Pacific Islander community, called Transforming API Communities: Tools for Sexuality Education. This is a comprehensive toolkit of educators and members of the API to address cultural beliefs, values, and stigma surrounding sex and sexuality, written for and by API folks. It's rare to see resources like this in which folks have successfully come together to address barriers to reproductive justice and healthy sexuality within their own community. Not only does it discuss things like cutural traditions, communication within families, and the complexity of navigating a first-generation immigrant experience, but also provides tools and techniques for addressing these issues as they come up, in order to foster a community that supports healthy, individually-defined sexuality from within.

I'm so grateful -- can you tell? -- for the work like this that the folks at Forward Together are doing to help (and help me) make the world a better place for everyone.

Know of a blog, organization, or resource that belongs here? Send it to our curator, Al (that's me!), at al AT scarleteen DOT com.

Interested in contributing as a guest writer for our Sexuality in Color series, or any other part of Scarleteen? Check out our information for writers and then take it from there! Experienced queer and trans writers of color of varied abilities and experiences are always strongly encouraged to apply.

sexuality in color

gender

race

intersectionality

Forward Together

activism

QTPOC

mamas

TDOR

Ida B Wells

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