#full of people who care about learning about the hardships humans face and how to grow past them

[neverendingford]

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[multi-lefaiye]

a modern ghost story - wip re-intro

finally, a re-intro for my first ever writeblr wip intro... waow how time flies.

taglist (i'm gonna be real with y'all, i lost track of the taglist and had to dig it up again--tentatively tagging the original taglist as well as folks i thought might be interested): @albatris @skitzo-kero @anexor @lychniscitrus @transmasc-wizard @chaieyestea @vacantgodling @kingkendrick7 @jezifster @manuscriptsatmidnight @fictionalbullshitter @astral-runic

(if you'd like to not be tagged in posts relating to this wip going forward, lmk!!! <3 and if you'd like to be added to the actual taglist, also lmk!!!)

synopsis: A Modern Ghost Story is the tale of the four members of The Cyclone Seekers, a group of semi-famous storm-chasers, and their harrowing adventures chasing after storms in Nebraska in 2006. On the way, they quickly come to learn that they have far, far more than tornadoes to worry about waiting for them in the storms. Something sinister is afoot, and their past may come back to haunt them in a very literal way.

setting: various fictional locations in Nebraska, United States, in 2006

genres: postmodern horror (?) with traces of comedy--fundamentally a road trip story, though, about healing and facing the horrors head-on.

vibes except it's not clear what these mean: late nights at sleepovers where no one wants to go to bed yet, a mason jar full of bottle caps, the highs and lows of a long road trip with your friends, strange messages on the radio in a voice you thought you'd forgotten, the past is always one step closer than it appears to be, the coppery taste of blood on your tongue, your heart pounding in your ears as the world roars around you, a group of queer adrenaline junkies, "therapy is expensive, but sitting in your car while it rains is free."

characters:

picrew: [link]

Roach - 29 - they/them - 5'2"

Roach is not the face of Cyclone Seekers, as they find the idea of actually appearing on camera daunting. For the most part, Roach prefers to stay behind the scenes, most often handling their budget, equipment, and transportation, as well as acting as their cameraman. A lifelong smartass, they always say exactly what's on their mind and they're not particularly graceful or tactful. Why would they be, after all? Talking around the point only wastes time, and Roach hates to stop when there's important shit to get done.

Despite their blunt and often rude nature, Roach has a big heart deep down, and they care deeply for their fellow Cyclone Seekers, considering the others their best friends in the world. Roach doesn't have a lot of people in their corner, and they're steadfastly loyal to the end.

Oliver Cox - 32 - he/him - 6'1"

Oliver, like Roach, is not the face of the Cyclone Seekers. Instead, he is the manager of their ViewTube channel and website, as well as the one who usually deals with the people side of things. He's very sweet and enthusiastic, and generally a very gentle man who hates to even raise his voice. While, like everyone else, Oliver has his moments of anger, he prefers to redirect this anger into something productive rather than taking it out on others.

This isn't to say, of course, that Oliver is an innocent child. He's had his fair share of hardships and struggles in his life. However, he believes wholeheartedly in the goodness of humanity and the world around him. And this extends to the team, especially Roach--despite their often prickly exterior, Oliver considers them a very dear friend and is very happy to have them in his life. He sees the best in everyone until they give him reason not to.

Sydney "Syd" Ambrose - 29 - they/she - 5'11"

Syd is a friend of Roach's from college, an extremely anxious person who, at heart, has always wanted to leave their mark on history in some way. With their thirtieth birthday rapidly approaching, they want to do something great before the big day. This has, in part, reflected on their work with the Cyclone Seekers. As one of two hosts of the show, Syd is often in the spotlight, despite their severe anxiety about public speaking. When the cameras are rolling, their fear falls away, and they easily steal the show.

Aside from their ambition to do something great that lands in the history books, Syd has had a lifelong fascination with storms. The world of more traditional meteorology wasn't for them, so they've decided a more fulfilling career is to chase storms around and study them directly. It's working out so far, despite Syd's growing restlessness regarding the group's lack of mainstream success.

Yara Key - 30 - she/her - 5'7"

Yara is the other host of the Cyclone Seekers, and she's the much more outwardly optimistic and outgoing one. Their bit on the show is that, though Syd is the anxious one, they're also first to jump headlong into danger just to get a good look at a tornado; Yara, meanwhile, is friendly and outgoing but also the first to hide. It's a good bit and one that brings her a lot of joy, though it does irritate her sometimes to have people assume she's actually a coward. Because she isn't--she's just not stupid.

Though Yara hasn't known the others that long, she's a loyal friend who cares about them all deeply, and her not-so-secret crush on Syd is something Roach teases her about rather frequently (to which she gladly responds by teasing them about their similar crush on Oliver). When it comes down to it, fame isn't important to Yara, but she has a genuine love for entertaining people. And if she can do it while educating them about dangerous storms at the same time? All the better.

Vincent Cruz - 28 - he/him (questioning they/them) - 5'9"

Vincent Cruz is not a member of the Cyclone Seekers, nor does he have any particular interest in joining their little group. In fact, he thinks they're pretty ridiculous, and more than that, they're fucking stupid. He's grown up his whole life in a small town in Nebraska and knows all-too-well how dangerous storms like the ones they seek out can really be. They're going to get themselves killed, and they'll be lucky if it's quick.

However, Vincent feels an obligation to help them, or at least to make sure they can't put themselves or anyone else at risk with their antics. He isn't sure what makes him feel such a desire to protect them, but he insists it's not out of any care for them. They're just stupid. If he doesn't do anything, then they'll die. Simple math. (Ignoring the fact that they're his first friends in years, and they seem to genuinely like him for who he is when few others do.)

Vulture - 31 - he/him - 6'2"

A mysterious figure from Roach's past, one that they, until now, were completely certain was out of their life forever. Vulture is cold and cruel and pretentious, seeing himself as quite literally better than everyone else. He loves to hear himself talk and wants everyone to think he's the coolest motherfucker in the room at all times, for better and for worse.

For the most part, he doesn't seem interested in Roach, for which they're grateful. However, he has been contacting them again for the first time in nearly ten years, asking to meet up again.

[haggishlyhagging]

The statement in Genesis that God created humanity to rule the earth has often been taken as a license for human beings to do whatever they want with nature. In the Bible, it clearly does not mean that. On the contrary, all of nature is seen as dependent upon the actions of humankind. Ancient thought sees nature, the animals, humanity, and divinity as lying along a continuum, with the gods, in a sense, mediating between humanity and nature:

HUMANITY———GODS———NATURE

In the Bible, the diagram is different:

NATURE———HUMANITY———GOD

God's actions towards nature depend on human activity. God cares about nature; after all, the purpose of giving laws immediately after the flood is precisely to prevent nature from being contaminated again. But God's behavior towards nature is reactive. In effect, humans determine what God does, not by prayers and manipulation, but by their behavior. In this way, humanity mediates between God and nature. The ultimate responsibility for what happens to the natural world rests on the behavior of human beings towards nature, towards God, and towards each other.

This monotheist conceptualization of the world is a stark philosophy of action. God's actions are predictable in fixed response to behavior. God's solo mastery would seem to lay stress on Israel's having liturgical and sacrificial interaction with God, to propitiate and manipulate the result. But, at the same time, the prophets announce that such ritual activity will not help. The prophets emphasize that neither Israel's history nor the fertility of her land depended on worship-rituals. Fertility rituals are condemned as faithlessness, and even the officially prescribed sacrificial worship can not ensure peace and fertility. Only non-ritual activity—fidelity and ethical behavior—bring about the well-being of the people.

This concept of fertility and natural survival puts enormous responsibility in human hands, for the whole world depends on human behavior. The "monotheist myth" in Psalm 82 relates that it was not always so: God had a council of divine beings who were charged with upholding social justice. When they did not do so, the whole world began to totter. As a result, God made these gods mortal. Since then, God has reigned alone over all the nations. There are no longer any gods—and it is up to humanity to ensure that the foundations of the earth do not totter. The way to do this is right behavior and social justice. This is an enormous task, but the way to accomplish it has been revealed: God has instructed and continues to instruct the people as to how they are to behave. The laws and instructions of Israel have a cosmic significance. The people have to listen, to learn, and to observe in order to fulfill their duty to uphold the universe. Disobeying these instructions can lead to catastrophe, and as pollution builds up, even repentance can no longer help.

This theology of God's reactivity locates the fault for disaster in Israel. Maintaining faith in the constant predictable behavior of God, it "blames the victim" with ever more exacting faults. After the exile, when droughts still continued, the prophet Haggai blamed the people for not having built a new temple, and the prophet Malachi attributed the droughts to the lack of full tithing. If God has absolute mastery, and God is always good, then evil and hardships must always be due to the evil of humanity.

The general problem of theodicy (the justification of God's behavior in the face of adversity) continues to occupy theological thought. The radical nature of fully developed biblical monotheism, with the great responsibility that it places on human behavior, has often been softened by belief in various supernatural powers. After the Babylonian exile, the skies are once again peopled with celestial beings, the angels. Still later, forces of evil were believed to be abroad in the world, rivaling the forces of light. The idea of ultimate human responsibility and divine reactivity has continued to be misunderstood into our own day. Western culture has assumed that dominion over the world implied a freedom to act at will without concern over neveative consequences towards the earth and its fertility. The modern ecology movement has sometimes sought to find a philosophical-theological rationale for its concern for the earth in the pagan continuum. The biblical theory of God's reactivity is biblical monotheism's way of grounding humanity in its interconnectedness with nature and its ultimate responsibility for nature's well-being and survival.

The absorption by God of all the forces of nature leads humanity onto center stage. Biblical monotheism is essentially anthropocentric, though not in the sense that the world exists to serve humanity. Rather, in the absence of other divine beings, God's audience, partners, foils, and competitors are all human beings, and it is on their interaction with God that the world depends.

-Tikva Frymer-Kensky, In the Wake of the Goddesses: Women, Culture, and the Biblical Transformation of Pagan Myth

[shallliveoninsong]

🙌 - tell me about Lady, Sissel and Hook

Send me 🙌 and a muse you’re curious about, and I’ll tell you more about them. | @aluckiicoin

◇ I really need to make myself use her more rip. Her canon never goes much into it but with what little we see of it in the anime I think it's clear that running a demon-hunting business has been very lucrative for her. She's also very good with money, she lives within her means and never spends money she doesn't have. After being an older teenager and suddenly being thrust into having to fend entirely for herself she had to learn these things quickly if she was going to have enough money for the tools to hunt down her father.

Nowadays she will treat herself of course, but only out of the money she set aside for leisure out of her budget. Though when accepting a job she's always certain to require the client to pay for a good percentage of her ammo for whatever the job is (she uses a lot. Like. A LOT a lot. But hey, demons take a lot of bullets and explosives!) But anyway tl;dr she's doing quite well for herself by running a demon-hunting business. She can't imagine doing anything else honestly. She's one of the few humans who can deal with such things so she feels it's her responsibility to step up to the plate to prevent any more deaths like Kalina Ann's.

◇ Well you see when REDACTED happened and wasn't it just wild when REDACTED and then it was revealed that REDACTED?

Spoilers for the game aside-- Sissel is quite smart even if some things take him a bit of trial and error. He's highly curious in that he often likes to use his ghost tricks on nearly any object just to see what will happen. Of course, he wouldn't do so in trying to harm people but... there have been... accidents. It's okay, he'll undo them... It's fine. Definitely fine (sorry van dude).

◇ She is a gremlin and very hyper child but also a very caring and compassionate kid when need be. I don't think she's trying to cause trouble or be a pain for Natasha especially, but she's had very little pressure to mature in her life. Her father doesn't want her to worry about things so there's no pressure there and Nat mainly just wants her to behave while in school so her free childhood spirit has remained very untouched by the hardships of life despite living in the underworld. It's not that she doesn't care about the struggles they face, but having been born into a time after the Eternal Freeze she doesn't know anything else and has such a carefree attitude she isn't bothered by the brutally cold nights or not always getting to eat until one is full during a meal. She's in no hurry to grow up. She genuinely loves being a kid. She's kind of simple-minded in that way. No bigger and broader worries, just how is she and the Moles going to have fun tomorrow?

[tallmantall]

James Donaldson on Mental Health - Teens calling suicide lifeline more than any other age group, state data shows

James Donaldson on Mental Health - Teens calling suicide lifeline more than any other age group, state data shows According to the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services, in the last 12 months, about 6,500 teens called the 988 crisis lifeline for help. Author: Julia Kauffman CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Concerns about teen mental health are rising as more in North Carolina are calling the national suicide and crisis lifeline.  In North Carolina, people ages 13 to 17 are calling 988 more than any other age group. According to the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services, in the last 12 months, about 6,500 teens called the crisis lifeline for help.  A virtual mental health service geared toward teens says inquiries on their site have grown 10 times in North Carolina since last summer.  "We have seen a huge uptick for adolescents needing these services," Brittany Ratterree, a clinical outreach manager for Charlie Health said. A lot of teenagers who need help don't know where to start.  Isabel Zachariah is a junior at UNC-Chapel Hill from Concord. She shared that she's struggled with anxiety since high school but didn't know what it was until much later. www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com "I always just expressed it to my parents that, 'Oh #James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy Link for 40 Habits Signupbit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth If you'd like to follow and receive my daily blog in to your inbox, just click on it with Follow It. Here's the link https://follow.it/james-donaldson-s-standing-above-the-crowd-s-blog-a-view-from-above-on-things-that-make-the-world-go-round?action=followPub like, my face gets very warm, I'm experiencing these types of things.'" Zachariah told WCNC Charlotte's Julia Kaffuman. "But I don't think we fully put a label on it until I got into college." She said she educates herself on mental health to learn how to cope with anxiety. Plus, she now helps others through NAMI: The National Alliance on Mental Illness.   "So many young kids are lost because of the hardships they face," Zachariah said. "They don't know how to directly cope with those kinds of things." Charlie Health works to help teenagers by offering emergency counseling, resource connections, and support groups.  "It's a really amazing thing to see when we are able to provide hope and provide same-day access," Ratterree said.   Many treatment centers are 18-plus, which creates a roadblock for children seeking help.  "For adolescents, in general, if you need mental health support, there's not many here and locally to our community," Ratterree added.   As experts call for more mental health services for children, there are a couple of projects in Charlotte working to address that need.   StarMed Health Care is working on a project estimated to cost more than $60 million, called the Katie Blessing Center. It will be a full-service mental health facility for people 18 and under in east Charlotte. The city is contributing $2.5 million to the project. Plus, Hopeway opened a clinic for teenagers this year that is also in east Charlotte. If you or a loved one are facing thoughts of suicide or self-harm, there is help readily available. You can call Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 or chat with them online. Read the full article

[finance-service-finance]

Detailed Instructions for Regaining Financial Stability

While digital technology has greatly improved our financial management, it has also introduced new dangers. For people wanting to recover lost funds in this digital world, funds recovery services online have become indispensable tools. Robust money recovery systems are necessary to safeguard consumers and organizations from financial loss in light of the ever-increasing volume of online transactions.

A Brief Overview of Fund Recovery Services

Fund recovery organizations utilize a variety of methods to trace and retrieve misplaced monies. Exploring the complexities of financial transactions, they employ a combination of human knowledge and technical resources to accomplish their objectives. To guarantee a thorough approach to recovery, these businesses frequently employ individuals with skills in cybersecurity, law enforcement, and financial services.

Why Does Money Go Missing?

A number of factors can contribute to monetary losses. Common perpetrators of cyberattacks include phishing and hacking. Fraudulent schemes and bad investment judgments also play significant roles in fund loss. With every setback, we learn that being alert and taking swift action is crucial in preventing more financial harm.

The Mechanisms Underlying Financial Recuperation

Fund recovery services nowadays make use of state-of-the-art technologies. Many methods exist for tracing and retrieving misplaced monies, including blockchain analysis, forensic accounting, and artificial intelligence. With the use of these tools, we can better understand transaction patterns, which facilitates the recovery of misplaced assets.

How to Pick the Best Fund Recovery Company

You must be very careful while choosing a funds recovery services. Think about things like their level of expertise, the feedback they've received from clients, and how transparent their method is. There is a better probability of a full recovery if this is done. Also, a trustworthy service will cater to each client individually, developing a plan that works best for their specific situation.

Conquering Challenges in Recovering Funds

Recovering misplaced money is frequently a difficult and lengthy process. It is becoming more difficult to track stolen assets since cybercriminals are always improving their strategies. Still, recovery rates are getting better thanks to hardworking experts and cutting-edge innovation. The key to successfully navigating these challenges is keeping up with emerging threats and recovery approaches.

Achievements in Recovering Funds

Fund recovery services have been proven effective through real-life success stories. Despite the difficulties, these stories show that it is feasible to recover lost assets with the correct knowledge and resources, which is encouraging. With every triumph, the need to seek expert help while facing financial hardship becomes clear.

In summary

Funds recovery services are an essential response to monetary losses. Those impacted by digital fraud find hope and practical help in them. Check out paybackeasy.com for more information. The intricacies of money recovery might be better navigated by persons who engage with seasoned recovery specialists.

[nugentappraisal-blog]

Water Damage Restoration In Claremont Restoring Peace Of Mind With Perth Flood Restoration’s Expertise

Introduction:

In Claremont a vibrant city with life in its veins, unanticipated water damage can quickly sabotage peace and quiet. Nevertheless, in the face of these difficulties, Perth Flood Restoration shines brightly, committed to bringing back the former splendor of residences and commercial establishments. Let's explore our area of expertise and learn the trade secrets of water damage restoration in Claremont.

Pioneers of Superlative Restoration:

We take great pride in being repair experts, having a legacy of quality. With cutting-edge equipment and an experienced team of professionals, we help people in need by navigating the choppy seas of chaos.

Starting the Restoration Process: Transitioning from Difficulty to Comfort

After the devastation caused by flood, time becomes valuable. We move quickly, coordinating a smooth repair procedure with accuracy and dexterity. Our all-encompassing strategy helps clients transition from chaos to serenity, whether it's restoring priceless possessions or taking care of structural issues.

Beyond Recuperation: Creating Centers of Renewal in Disaster Areas

We see restoration as something far more than just rescue operations. It's about revitalizing areas that hardship has tarnished. Through rigorous attention to detail and unwavering commitment, we turn disaster areas into places of healing and hope.

Where Science and Sensibility Collide in the Art of Restoration:

Restoration of water damage is an art form as much as a science. We ensure that every renovated space is a tribute to our artistry by skillfully fusing technical know-how with a keen eye for aesthetics.

Using Technology to Its Full Potential: Novelties in the Field of Water Damage Repair:

We keep ahead of the curve with cutting-edge technology in an innovative world. By utilizing cutting-edge drying methods and accurate moisture detection, we leverage innovation to produce results that are unmatched and raise the bar for excellence in the sector.

Compassionate Action: Supporting Hearts Alongside Homes:

Beyond mere structures, Perth Flood Restoration recognizes the emotional toll of water damage. Rooted in empathy, we extend a caring hand to those facing loss and uncertainty. Through tailored assistance and steadfast empathy, we not only restore properties but also uplift spirits.

Perth Flood Restoration delivers premier restoration services, guaranteeing swift and thorough solutions for residences and businesses alike. Our team of seasoned professionals utilizes cutting-edge techniques and equipment to effectively address water damage.

From extraction to drying and dehumidification, each step is executed with meticulous care. With years of expertise, we comprehend the urgency and sensitivity of such situations, offering 24/7 emergency support. Rely on us to restore your property efficiently and with utmost professionalism. Don't let water damage disrupt your life – reach out to us today for prompt and dependable service.

Conclusion:

Perth Flood Restoration is a protector who guides communities through the choppy waves of water damage within Claremont’s urban fabric. With unwavering dedication, unmatched skill, and a humane touch, we transform water damage restoration in Claremont, bringing new life to every nook and cranny. Perth Flood Restoration shines as a resilient emblem leading the path to a better future as city rises above hardship.

Call today!!

[homeowrk]

RANT TIME RANT TIME YIPPEE!!! YAHOOO!!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🥳🥳🥳🥳🤯🤯🤯

.

“No wonder your grandmother, grandfather and uncle died. Your mother’s side are all criminals with a devils heart, including your mom herself.”

What words to say to her own daughter…. I thought you were religious and had a “heart of pure gold”? They died to incurable illnesses that slowly and painfully killed them. How cruel. How cruel. I loved them dearly, yet you were manipulated by your own twisted morals to spew such shit out of your mouth. Rotten, rotten shit, how long must I put up with this?

Yes you are my grandmother, and you are old and have a heavily damaged ego. The son (my father) you manipulated all these years no longer listens to you. He no longer engages in petty and , at rare times, violent quarrels with my mother upon listening to your words. I pity you, yet I despise you in some ways. I understand you are old and frail, like every other grandmother.

I love you. When I look at her I realise that her face is full of love. Her cooking is amazing and she genuinely loves us all. She is a normal human too, and lead a life full of hardship. She too will soon leave this earth, with how often she makes suicidal / leaving the house threats in order to guiltrip us. Though, I often pray to god to not take her soon, as I still have questions to ask her and that I still love her dearly.

Endless gaslightings, endless lies, all just to make you look good. How can a person, who has lived with you for countless years, gives you money and often takes care of you still be hated? How could you hate and talk gross shit about MY mother in front of me? What am I too say? I can’t bear to say anything, less you lash out and throw (literal) knives again.

Goodness gracious, I am a simply hypocrite. Doing nothing to go against your words neither agreeing to them. Talking to myself in an effort to justify my acts.

Old people minds won’t change. This is something I have to learn and bear with. Just like my own mother. I have to grow stronger to endure this. I love you grandma, please live long, long enough to see how much I’ve grown. “I love you. Take care”

I too, end up lying sometimes.

[punkpandapatrixk]

Happy Valentine's Day~🫀But more importantly, Happy Jaehyun's Day~🍑

[Back to Masterlist] [Part 2] [Part 3]

Bonus content for 💌Their Higher Self to You is now Public on Patreon. Just click the access link underneath the pile you've chosen for an additional cute, heartwarming message~💖

Pile 1 - My Precious Little Flower...

Priestesses of Energy, Purity and Wishes

Queen of Pentacles & Silver Magus (Merlin)

The ultimate happiness for me is to be abundant with you. To have a slow Life where we can simply enjoy the little (and big) things this world has to offer. I'm not materialistic, but I also know there are so many beautiful things that can be obtained with money in this world. And I want to give it all to you~ I want you to know how much I respect and value you, so I'll gift you many beautiful and expensive things. You know what? The truth is I'm always thinking about you. Even when I see cute socks that I think will look good on you, I want to buy them for you. It's because you're this little prince/princess who lights up with anything I gift you, so I like seeing that expression of delight on your face, too. You're so beautiful I could die, seriously!!

When I'm with you I can be my childlike self. You're so pure and innocent and we share the same heart. I like this comfort I feel from you. I feel like my entire Life has become soft and sweet like cotton candy! Life wasn't all that bad before you, but now it's just perfection. When my arms are around you, there's nothing else to crave. Who knew I was destined to have a beautiful romance like this? Still I've been dreaming you for the longest time, I swear. I'll be good to you. I'll be your protector. I'll always accept you and take care of you. I know you'll do the same for me and that's why I want to shower you with all of my affection. You're so deserving of the best Love you could get in the world.

Let's jet set. Let's get on first class. A luxury yacht or liner, too. Let's go see places. France, Tajikistan, Fiji, Vietnam, Singapore; basically, let's travel the globe and eat all the good foods of the world! Cakes, pudding, luxury tea, a thousand years old bread; I want to try all unique things in the world, but with you. Just the thought of it makes my heart full of Love! I want to learn many new things and experience more of Life itself and grow old with you. Let's be kind, respectful and take care of each other until the end of time. That would be my ultimate happiness.

Secret magick from my heart🔻❤️

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 2 - Babe, Let's Be Happy~!

Priestesses of Enchantment, Solitude and Inspiration

4 of Wands & Green Historian (Herodotus)

The ultimate happiness for me is to create a legacy with you. I want to marry you and build a family together with you. Even if we're married in an unorthodox fashion, I don't care. I just want to have a family with you, Love💙I want us to have many reasons to celebrate the bounty of Life. We each have made it this far in Life and for that alone we are fit to become parents and pass down our knowledge and wisdom to the future generations. Let's raise the children well, so they can grow up to become beautiful human beings who can heal more of this world. Let's build a new foundation for a family line of truly good people who know how to appreciate Life itself. I'll show the children how to respect another person and my affection for you will become their inspiration to find their own True Love as well!

When we're together, I promise you that you never have to fight this world alone again. It's okay to be not so strong all the time; you have me. I'm strong and full of Love. I can handle your hardships. We'll overcome every challenge and we'll grow up together. Nothing can come between us, I promise you that. My heart is true and I want nobody else but you. I'm adamant like that. Maybe sometimes I frustrate you a little with my stubbornness?😅I hope you can be patient with me, too. Sometimes I'm hard to shake but I want to learn to be gentler when I'm with you. So please teach me gently, too.

Our Love, I hope it inspires whoever gets to see us. This world needs more of that, I know. Let's be a healing presence to other people. Let's also be a healing presence to ourselves. I love you so much. I'm a little selfish and there's a lot I want, if ever I become smothering to you, please let me know. I'll listen to what you have to say, too! I don't want you to stand behind me, okay? Stand by my side. We'll inspire each other better like that. And I just think, we look sooo good together, babe.

A little wish from my heart🔻💙

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 3 - Hey, Sunshine~

Priestesses of Illumination, Intuition, Prosperity

7 of Cups & Green Alchemist (Nicolas Flamel)

My ultimate happiness is just the fact that we are together. You've lighted up so much of my Life and I'm so insanely thankful for that, you've no idea. I think I'm not that good yet at expressing my gratitude. You take me to heaven, babe. I never would have thought my heart could be filled with this much Light. I thought it was just something people say just to be poetic or romantic, but now I know it's true. You make me the happiest, most fortunate person in the entire world. I'll treasure you for the rest of eternity. If we were reborn, I'd like to be with you again. You know what? Let's not even be reborn again, this world sucks and a lot of things can go wrong. Let's stay forever happy in Heaven!

Whilst still being in this world, I want to promise you a love that's spiritual. A Love that's unconditional and transcends ego, limitations and boundaries. My Love is the purest thing you'll ever know, I'm confident I'm unique like that. There's no other person like me, so just look at me😉And btw, everyday is Valentine's with you. It beats me how Life can be so full of joy and Love. I mean, my Life was okay before, but you've amplified all that's good in the world by your sheer presence. Are you GOD? I think you are. At least to me you are. I... worship you, seriously. But I'll try my best to hide that so you think I'm cool! I also want you to worship me LMAO

No matter what's happened in the past, from here on, let's live happily with the two of us holding hands. I'll never let go. I won't promise very many complicated things. I want to show everything to you with my actions. I'll make it all happen—all the good things. And I'll erase all of your sadness. I don't want you ever to be sad again. A Sunshine like you shouldn't be made to cry! I'll fight anyone who gives you a reason to cry ugly tears! I hate everyone who's ever been mean to you, seriously! I wish I could've met you sooner, tch! Suddenly I'm angry! But anyway, Happy Valentine's and I love you, hon~ Let's meet in the dreams~👻

My healing for you🔻🧡

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[Back to Masterlist] [Part 2] [Part 3]

[writingwithcolor]

Black girl angel harshly judged and banished from a second chance at life

furryfaceandthefeelgoodfairy asked:

My MC is a black girl who, due to dying before her 18th birthday, is granted access to a child/teenage oriented afterlife for a second chance at life, the angels are granted elemental powers used to help mortals. However the angel leader fails to fully help the children in her care; she believes they must all be fully pure, and banishes any child who has committed any wrong doing or serious mistake in their mortal lives. These banished angels form their own gang; their specific leader is white. I don’t know what my MC did yet but I do know it will be a mistake she made when she was young that was not her fault, but is banished for it anyway. My MC sneaks back into angel land and the leader is so impressed by her intelligence that she let’s her stay, but gives her the “dangerous” power of fire as a warning to other angels to stay away from her.

My MC’s arc revolves around her eventually-found friends supporting her through the emotional abuse she has been through, and eventually accepting that whatever “wrong” mistake she made was not her fault because she was a child, the adults around her should have supported her, and escaping the abuse of the angel leader. She also learns to love her fire power and it aids her greatly on the story’s journey.

My main cast consists of 5 characters of colour and 4 white characters; the angel world and the banished angel world are full of different races, with a main angel character being mixed race and a main banished angel character being white. Are there any pitfalls you think I should avoid when it comes to writing this, in a way that makes it clear my MC is being unfairly judged for what she did as a child rather than because she’s black? Thank you.

Showing us that many young people of different races and backgrounds are unfairly judged is key. This way, you’re not singling out the Black character, judging her more harshly and as less innocent than her white and other counterparts, as they do in real life (criminalizing young Black kids, seeing them as more grown and less innocent, etc.) 

If you’re making a specific commentary, then sure, you could single her out. It should be handled intentionally and you’d want to make sure you’re equipped to write on such a complex, historically-rooted matter of discrimination.

You want to avoid those implications, it seems. So avoid it with purpose:

Show us how other angels have made mistakes on a similar or lesser level of “Bad” that has got them banished.

Show the pain and judgment that others experience so we know it isn’t just her.

Also: perhaps avoid gruesome details about her death (particularly if others don’t have theirs described / described in explicit details)

On that note, how does she die? A death with exceptional pain and suffering, compared to others, can fall into tragedy exploitation. 

You mention emotional abuse. 

Did she face this abuse as a human, or is she being emotionally abused by these angels? 

Are others experiencing abuse or hardships, or is she the only one who truly suffers in the story?

 Is the Black girl experiencing a higher level of pain and abuse than others?

Watch out if the answer is yes to those last questions, as again, you may be making a struggle novel with an abused Black woman. A tragedy exploitative narrative.

From the details you’ve given, though, it seems you’re on the right track. Just keep these things in mind. Sounds like an interesting story!

~Mod Colette

[angellesword]

YOUR EYES TELL | JJK (14)

Summary: You live in a world where people see in black and white. The solution to finally see the colors? It's simple. You need to meet your soulmate and look at him in the eyes, but what if the person bound to you is already contented with the monochromatic world? What if...Jeongguk, your soulmate, is already in love with someone else?

Alternatively:

"A future without you is a world without color."

Genre: soulmate au, e2l, slow burn, angst, fluff, roommate au

Pairing: Artist!Jungkook x Lawyer!Reader

Word Count: 1.7k

Note: The lyrics of the song your eyes tell by BTS used in this chapter is NOT translated by me. It is composed/covered by  genuis english  translation and Jess A. Please consider listening to their music here. They’re a great singer! A line from Agust D’s 140503 at Dawn is also used in this update.

Warnings: blood, physical violence

***This is a super short chapter. JJK is just reflecting hehe

SERIES: CHAPTER 13 | FINAL CHAPTER

The blood in Jeongguk's lower lip was mocking him—telling him that once again, he fucked up.

Or at least this was what Park Jimin thought.

"So that's it, huh?" Your best friend rarely resort to violence—wait. This was wrong. Violence was never an option for Jimin, but he was making an exception tonight.

"You're just going to give up on her?" The older boy grabbed the collar of your soulmate's shirt.

Jimin was so mad he swore he could beat Jeongguk to a pulp.

How could Jeongguk be this dumb?

Jimin heard your conversation with your soulmate just a few breaths ago. He didn't plan to eavesdrop, it just happened.

Yoongi was the first one to know what happened to you. He was adamant to let you leave a while ago. He just had this weird feeling in his stomach that told him to check up on you.

His nightmare became a reality when he saw Jimin and Taehyung making out on the couch. You weren't with them and it only meant one thing: you left alone.

Yoongi was so mad at himself. He should have called you an uber or he should have driven you to wherever the hell you wanted to go.

This was partly his fault that's why he couldn't help but shudder in fear and regret when one of his staffs told him about what happened to you.

Police officers said you were under the influence of alcohol. Yoongi already knew this, but Taehyung and Jimin were still shocked.

They had no idea you left.

It actually took the three of them a long time to know what had happened to you. By the time they reached the hospital, they were already too late.

Jeongguk managed to make you cry over and over again.

What an asshole.

What kind of soulmate was Jeongguk? Were you really meant to be together? These questions were running inside your best friend's head. It had been answered when Jeongguk suddenly pushed Jimin away.

He wiped the blood in his bottom lip, smirking at his hyung.

"Who said I'm giving up on her?"

Jimin's jaw dropped. Jeongguk’s voice is full of confidence and determination.

"Y-You’re not?"

"No." Your soulmate said firmly. He couldn't. He wouldn't. Not when he was sure about what he felt for you, not when you needed him the most, and definitely not when you were giving up on him.

No. He should fight when you couldn't.

"Good," your best friend released a breath. He hated your soulmate for hurting you, but Jimin also knew that you loved Jeongguk—even if you told him otherwise.

This was the sad thing about the existence of soulmate that Jimin despised. The encouraging reminders like 'You should learn to love yourself,' and 'you don't need your soulmate to be happy,' would not apply.

It helped, yes. But your world was different. It would always feel like a part of you was missing when your soulmate didn’t love you back.

Humans were made to love and to feel loved. This reminded Jimin of the neon signage that's plastered on Genius Lab: I'm the island in this vast ocean, don't abandon me. This was Min Yoongi's idea. The bar owner always told him and everyone (really) that people were like island—they were able to provide—to extend their hands in this cold world.

They should never be abandoned because like any other things, they needed to be taken care of too.

"But what are you planning to do?" Jimin creased his forehead.

Jeongguk didn't even bat an eyelash when you told him to let you go. This was what annoyed Jimin. How could your soulmate be so silent about this? Why did he simply leave when you told him to go?

In Jeongguk's defense, he just didn't want to upset you any longer. He was aware that his presence was stressing you out. You should rest, especially because there's possibility that you might need to undergo an eye surgery.

Jeongguk's heart clenched once again. You were blind and you thought it was because he hated you.

It’s not true and he would change your mind.

"Seriously, Guk?" Taehyung shook his head, scowling. "This is your and my fiancé’s idea?"

"Don't get mad at Jimin-hyung. It's my idea." Jeongguk corrected his best friend. "Your soulmate is just helping me."

It had been days since the accident and you were aware that Jeongguk had been by your side all this time, not really by your side, per se, but he was around. He was patiently waiting outside of your room in this hospital, begging Jimin and your other loved ones to tell him what he could to help.

Today was the only time he left the hospital, as in the same day of your eye surgery.

Jeongguk swore he's not running away this time though. He was actually going to let you know that he would be staying with you. Forever.

"I can't let you do this, Jeon. I'm gonna lose my job if you fuck this one up!" Taehyung groaned.

"Hyung, please. This is really important!" Jeongguk was nervous. He was running out of time. Your surgery was in a few minutes and here he was, invading the studio where Taehyung worked as a DJ.

"This is going to be aired on national radio, Guk. As in the whole South Korea!"

"I know!" Jeongguk's eyes were blown wide. "This is exactly why I want to do this, hyung. I want everyone to know how I feel!"

If you couldn’t see, then maybe you could understand Jeongguk’s feelings by listening. He was willing to explore other senses just to make you believe.

"Fucking sappy!" In the end, Taehyung had no choice but to let his best friend proclaim his love for you.

Jeongguk smiled as he tapped the microphone, softly calling your name.

"It's Jeongguk. I know you don't want to hear from me, but I have something to say." Jeongguk grimaced. He seriously sucked when it came to expressing his emotions through words. "This will be quick, I promise. I just hope Jiminie-hyung is actually helping me out."

"Of course he is!" Taehyung shouted somewhere. Jimin wouldn't dare to ruin this for you. His task was simple anyway. He only needed to make sure that you were listening to the radio a few moments before your eye surgery.

You were nervous. Jimin wanted to help you calm down by making sure that you knew Jeongguk was not going to leave you alone in the cold.

"Anyway I know that I...well...I," your soulmate blushed. How should he describe himself? Was there a word that could emphasize his stupidity?

"I am an idiot." Jeongguk bit the inside of his cheek. This was the only adjective he could think of. "I am the idiot who hurt you and I know, I know...I don’t deserve your forgiveness because of how selfish I was—I mean, am. I still am."

He chuckled nervously. His heart was hammering.

"Call me selfish or whatever you want. I'm sure I deserve it anyway, but yeah...I'll be selfish again if this is the only way to let you know what I really feel about you."

Jeongguk cleared his throat as the beat of the music started to play.

"Why are my eyes filled with tears?” He sang.

This was a song composed by him. Of course he couldn't do this alone. Namjoon was the one who produced the beat of this song. He also helped his brother-in-law to write the lines. Ji-eun's father was a lyrical genius.

"Hey, stay by my side and laugh.” Jeongguk knew he was asking for too much. It was impossible to simply smile and stay with him—not after the hell he had put you through.

"A future without you is a world without color, filled with monochrome coldness." But this was the exact representation of what would happen if you weren't in his life.

Life would literally be black and white. Dull. Jeongguk knew how essential colors were in his life, yet if he was forced to choose between the hues and you, he would choose you in a heartbeat.

"Even the darkness we see is so beautiful. Please believe me."

Darkness was the absence of light. You were Jeongguk’s light. His life would be dark if you were not around.

He also knew you were going through the darkest time of your life, so he wanted this moment to still be beautiful.

He wanted you to believe that every hardship would pay off. You just had to believe.

"Looking only directly at you, so you don't go away"

Jeongguk wrote this line many months ago. It wasn't even meant to be lyrics to a song. These were simply the words he incorporated in his art.

Jeongguk was a soft person. He usually put cheesy captions in his paintings and drawings—the things he usually couldn’t verbalize.

"Whatever lies in the way of you and me. I'll just keep looking at the future of you and I."

It didn't matter that you lost hope. Jeongguk was sure he would make you believe in love again.

"Shadows of the past keep chasing me everywhere I go, and they try to keep ahold of me and till this day they follow me."

He would try to let go of his hurtful past. Those things didn't matter because he could always make good memories with you.

"Even though it seems to be the start of the end I'll call you and shout out your name."

He would be the hope in your relationship. This might be the end for you; however, Jeongguk was just starting.

Starting to accept the soulmate bond.

"I'll become your eyes to the world and for whatever we may face."

Starting to show you how much you meant to him.

He was willing to become your eyes if you didn't recover from this instantly. He would guide you until you could see again.

"One day all of this, this sadness that we share will bring us together."

The sadness would be over soon. You would see again;

Because Jeon Jeongguk was sure. He loved you and...

"Your eyes will tell."

[thealexchen]

You write so beautifully!! I wanted to send a response to the character study you wrote on Alex under that ask but my brain is struggling atm bc there’s so much great material to unpack and you discussed everything with so much care!

One of the things that I’ve always loved about the Life is Strange series, that I’ve carried with me for years, is that the games don’t shy away from hurting- from raw rage, crippling grief, blistering frustration, incredibly relatable and realistic depictions of trauma responses, especially coming from teenagers (and younger children in Daniel’s case) with maladaptive coping mechanisms faced with incredible obstacles and emotional hardship (and even that feels like an understatement) in the previous 3 games. That’s rare to find, at least for me. And True Colors is no different, specifically in the sense that it too fully embraces the full spectrum of raw emotion, if arguably in a more nuanced, complete way, as, not only is Alex older than our previous protagonists, the series as a whole is growing up, too. Each game has its flaws, but I’m so, so grateful for all of them, and especially True Colors. I have yet to find another series that feels as honest and visceral as this one does, even after all this time. I’m sorry that this got so long!

Hey, thank you so much! Dw at all about long asks; I'm the wrong who writes accidental essays about fictional characters, so 😅 And sorry it took a day to answer this!

That's a really excellent point you brought up about how LiS really explores the full breadth of emotion, and I think in that way, it seeks to tell stories about the human experience. For me, LiS isn’t about small towns or mystery or romance or even the supernatural. At its core, Life is Strange is about human connection. Love in all its forms, as well as how far we’d go for our loved ones— how Chloe was willing to sacrifice herself for a town she hated for Max; how Max can refuse to let Chloe die; how Sean faced homelessness, racist violence, and near-fatal encounters to keep him and Daniel together; and how Alex faced legal threats, death threats, and survived a 300-foot fall down a mineshaft all in her pursuit of justice for her brother.

LiS has become so synonymous with emotionally gutting stories that people joke "Can't wait to get depressed again!" But what I thought made True Colors different was that it dug deeply into the full range of human emotion. It didn’t forget about joy, and love, and hope. That for me was another way that the series showed it was maturing— even though LiS2 was set far away from the high school, the ultimate tragedy of that story was that Sean and Daniel were just kids thrown into horribly adult situations. True Colors’ determination to stay more tonally balanced also felt like a deliberate move away from the teen angst and abject misery that characterized the earlier games. It explores more complex emotions in the wake of immediate grief— the shaky sense of joy from recalling a happy memory of a loved one now gone, the excitement of new friendships, and the enduring hope that things will get better. When life deals you a bad hand, how do you learn to pick yourself up and carry on? It just overall feels like a much more adult perspective on life (even though adults were always writing these games, lol).

I also agree that the LiS series feels truly one-of-a-kind, to the point where it feels like its own genre. The first game was marketed as a sort of “playable indie movie,” and I think that’s endured despite True Colors’ AAA polish because these games have always been about everyday people and their lives. These characters feel believable not because of hyperrealistic graphics or immersive gameplay but because you can read their text message histories, cover letters (seriously, who else other than DN would bother to do that??), and journal entries. There are comparable games like TWDG or TLOU, but the LiS series manages to tell emotional stories without the need for a zombie apocalypse or other huge stakes. It has always prioritized protagonists from marginalized backgrounds but makes them relatable for everyone. Even with the supernatural elements, that’s why LiS has always felt so real to me and why I’ve connected with it so much.

[mcheang]

When Lila is exposed, everyone gets mad at Adrien & asks why he didn’t help Marinette. Adrien replies, “Bc Mari is strong & amazing there’s nothing she can’t handle her life is perfect there’s no way she’d get akumatized, & Lila’s obviously weak and emotionally unstable, she lies all the time bc she’s unhappy with herself, she’s clearly insecure & feels she’s not good enough, so I felt sorry for her.” Basically he tells the whole class that Marinette is a super woman & Lila is a train wreck, that Marinette has everything a girl could want & all Lila has is her petty lies. Mari doesn’t know whether to be offended or honored by his putting her up on a pedestal, & Lila now wants to murder him.

Let me at him!

This is a draft because I have no idea how to end it

It was a rare collaboration of the bee and fox working together to expose Lila.

Bustier was too used to letting Chloé do her own thing and so let her interrupt her class with an impromptu PowerPoint presentation full of interviews Alya had scored.

When the video was done, ending with a recommendation that everyone apologized to Marinette, Alya asks Adrien why he didn’t expose Lila himself?

This enragés the class but Chloé isn’t happy with him either. He had let her be lied to by that harpy. What kind of friend does that?

Adrien defends himself. Apparently, to him, Lila is a rich lonely girl who wanted to impress their already impressive class. But because she had nothing impressive to brag about, her travels notwithstanding, she had to make stuff up. Who was he to expose her for being average? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But Lila is just so sensitive that she is like akuma bait.

Lila, preciously recoiling against her seat in fear, is now glaring daggers at Adrien. Pretty boy say what?

Alya: oh, so raising our hopes and letting them fall to pieces, as well as letting Marinette’s reputation be slandered isn’t akuma worthy!

Adrien: you all have talent to get by, you would have moved on and tried again. And Marinette is our Everyday Ladybug, she can’t be akumatized.

Marinette was torn about that. While it was flattering that he thought her to be akuma immune, she wasn’t and she needs support too.

Alix: she’s human, you idiot! Not a robot, but a human girl who has feelings.

Markov: ahem!

Alix: Sorry, Markov. She is not made of stone, Agreste!

Adrien: and yet no matter how much Chloé bullies her, how many times she worries, she has never once been akumatized. She even comes out the most successful of us with her business and school reputation.

Chloé: Adrien, (wow...no Adrikins), let me put it this way. You are our Everyday sunshine child. How would you feel if everyone left you alone to deal with your father. You have no friends left and you have to deal with a lot of pressure. But everyone doesn’t care because you are the sunshine boy of Paris, and Hawkmoth has never targeted you before?

Adrien: what a horrible scenario. That will never happen.

Ivan: it might happen with your attitude.

Rose: you left Marinette alone to deal with the potential scenario. Even if she is good at resisting akumas, she would have felt lonely. You of all people should understand that!

Adrien: but you didn’t abandon her, did you? This way no one in class would be left alone. But if I had exposed Lila, then she would be friendless. I mean, sure she would eventually move to another country, but to be friendless for any period of time is just sad.

Lila: better to be friendless than to be friends with the likes of you! One word, Agreste: tact!

Nino sighs: Dude, you are so clueless.

Kim: and not a very reliable friend.

Pretty much everyone but Adrien agrees on that.

Adrien: but-!

Alya: I vote we let Adrien have a taste of his own medicine and ignore him when he is being taken advantage of. Because frankly, he still doesn’t get it!

Chloé: first hand experience would do the trick, but we are trying to avoid an akuma.

Alya: as said before, he’s akuma résistant. He’ll be fine.

Adrien: but-

Lunch bell rings and the class exits, leaving Adrien alone to go home and Ms Bustier watching the show.

Ms Bustier: you should learn from this Adrien.

Adrien: but what did I do wrong?

Don’t worry. Adrien wasn’t alone. Wayhem filled in Nino’s position. Unfortunately Wayhem’s présence also included other fans of Adrien. It was an uncomfortable time for Adrien to be treated like a celebrity rather than a friend. He felt lonely.

But once the fans got used to Adrien and found hanging out with him kind of crowded and really not worth the mileage since Adrien would only be there for a half hour at best. They moved on.

Adrien was disappointed but already knew they were fans, not friends. But when would his real friends talk to him again?

Ironically it was Gabriel who pointed out that his son was wrong for enabling a liar and putting all that pressure on Marinette. He only noticed once Nathalie reported Adrien’s declining popularity.

Adrien had an innocent mind but he hated disappointing his father and promised to do better. He apologized to his class and promised he learned his lesson to always expose lies and never to leave them to face hardships alone.

The class was doubtful he really understood the lesson but why not give him a second chance?

[tangledinmdzs]

always yours - yi city mdzs characters hcs

the last of the best friend series head canons!

this is a modern version (stay tuned for a different version (v^ー°) )

»»——⍟——««

Xiao Xingchen

stepping into high school, you’ve always felt out of your depth

both from the pressure of moving to a new town and entering another stage of education in your life

it was kind of intimidating

mildly stressful

and you know it shouldn’t be much of a bother to try and fit in and find your crowd

because good things take time (as your parents have reminded you)

and that you were such a lovable person, so

who wouldn’t want to be your friend?

but it still didn’t change the fact that it was hard, nonetheless

luckily, when you’re kind of floating about in between the crowds of people and laughter in the first lunch of your first year, see an empty seat for you to snag

considering how crowded the lunch room was, you feel quite proud of yourself

so you sit down at the spot without a second thought

not even realizing that the seat in front of your empty one was occupied

you’re digging heartily, halfway through your sandwich, when you realize that someone is looking at you

and that’s when you meet Xingchen, immediately humored by your enthusiasm with food 

definitely not one of your best first impressions

but it’s surely something that sticks

because aside from finding out that you both are in the same grade, you both have a plethora of classes together as well

and it becomes easy for you to find a familiar face to gravitate to in your classes

throughout the year

he’s the person that saves you a seat in the cafeteria whenever the teacher from the previous class lets you out late

you’re the person that shares your notes with him in class so that you both can be caught up

you’re each other’s first choice as partners

and it’s so so easy being friends with someone as lovely and wonderful as Xingchen

and he’s so great in everything

from his smarts

to his genuine kindness

and you know that he deserves the world

which is why

your world comes to a halting stop

when Xiao Xingchen is suddenly blinded after an accident

luckily he’s not fully blind

but his vision is heavily impaired 

and you know that your high school is not the right environment for him safety and social wise

you know it is for the best that his parents are making plans to find a better accommodating school for him

but...

he’s your only, truest, friend, 

and it’s only been a short while since you both have met

but you can’t imagine going through the last remaining two years high school without 

and as you sit next to his hospital bed, feel his warm hand clutch yours

you think that 

he feels the same

»»——⍟——««

A-Qing

you meet A-Qing as you’re helping Xiao Xingchen around the your high school, helping him to orient in an old place through a new perspective

you can’t lie and say that it’s not frustrating

but Xingchen’s always been more patient than you

even now, 

when you were supposed to be helping him

it saddens you sometimes

when you can’t be of more help to him than you currently are

“i think this would be pretty useful,” 

both you and Xingchen startle at the voice that talks to you both

your eyes find a young girl, probably a freshman, staring up at you

her hand holds out a small foldable stick

“it’s a white cane, it’ll help him feel out the floor better than you saying ‘watch out’ every other minute” the girl notes

“he can still see,” you try to correct, because everyone nowadays just assumes that Xingchen is fully blind... and he just accepts it like he accepts everything in his life-

“oh, i’ve never tried a cane before. i think that could be of help,” Xingchen says in his quiet voice, he turns to you though not fully enough to meet your eyes staring at him

you’ve gotten more used to his profile than his full face as of recently

“can you give it to me, y/n” Xingchen asks you, 

and he’s using that voice with you

the ‘be patient, let’s try it’ voice

you manage a stiff nod at the girl, and take the white cane from her and open it from Xingchen

we you place the handle that he’s supposed to hold in his palm, Xingchen as polite as ever says,

“thank you... um...”

“A-Qing,” the girl finally introduces and then turns to you, a half smile on her face

“and you’re y/n,” the young girl parrots from what she heard before

you nod at her, a small ‘thank you’ coming from you too

‘it’s no problem. my grandma is blind so i understand you too,” A-Qing says 

at that, you realize, that it would be good to befriend someone that has experience in helping visually impaired people

because you wanted to learn how to help Xingchen better

you friendship starts from Xingchen’s hardships

but as you three spend more time together,

the difficulties of his life lessen

especially with A-Qing’s support

you two become his two closest friends

and A-Qing morphs more into a little sister to you

because for all of her knowledge with Xingchen’s situation, she was still very very new to the high school situation

so she relied on your guidance (in that aspect) as much as you relied on her to help you help Xingchen

but you three come together like a sandwich

and all is well

until your third year of high school

when trouble comes in the form of a human person

»»——⍟——««

Xue Yang 

trouble goes by the name of Xue Yang

your high school is relatively medium sized so you think that if you haven’t met everyone yet at least you know of most people

but 

when you walk into the hallway at the sight of someone taunting Xingchen, you can’t help the way your blood boils

A-Qing is still young,

and the boy that���s flicking and pushing at Xingchen’s calm shoulder looks to be about your age, an junior

you’re about to intervene when you’re surprised at Xingchen’s quick handed grasp of the man’s hand when it lands on his chest for the third (and final time)

Xingchen holds the wrist tightly

and you remember that before, a short while ago, Xingchen used to do material arts after school

he probably never forgot his instincts, having practiced for so many years

“what do you think you’re doing?” 

at the sound of your voice, the boy spares you a glance, 

and then you give a short sigh under your breath

because it was Xue Yang

it was always Xue Yang

“just chatting with your boyfriend, y/n. no need to go all mama bird” Xue Yang teases and takes his hand roughly out of Xingchen’s grasp

“he’s not my boyfriend,” you correct Xue Yang, going up to Xingchen’s side to stare Xue Yang down

Xue Yang laughs, humorlessly 

“you sure about that? because i think you’re probably babying him even more than his real mother,” and you really want to land a good fist to Xue Yang’s face

but Xingchen’s true testament to your friendship is that he just knows you well enough to reach a hand out and hold your wrist, hold you back from doing anything rash

because your little convo with Xue Yang had already grabbed enough of a crowd

you let Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing lead you away, though you manage to spare a long glare at Xue Yang before he fully leaves your sight

from then on, you all try to avoid Xue Yang as best as you can

and you stay closer to A-Qing and Xiao Xingchen

because it seems like you’re Xue Yang repellent

he only bothers the other two when you’re not within the vicinity 

and you don’t dare think that Xue Yang is scared of you (Xue Yang isn’t scared of anything)

but it’s a little blessing that you’re grateful for

you don’t want anyone making Xingchen’s life harder than it already was

and you think that you can get through the last few months of junior year without trouble

well you hope

but one memorable time that trouble visits you

is in the turn spring

right before you you’re about to finish your junior year (practically already a senior in high school)

Xue Yang catches your arm when you’re on your way out of school after your free block

drags you to the bleachers despite your protests 

you glare at him, 

he stares at you, sighs

“what?” you ask

“you don’t care about anything that has to do with us do you?”

you sigh as you lean your back on the edges of the bleacher seats

“why do you put your friends before us all the time?”

“because he needs me-”

“more than i do?”

Xue Yang’s question surprises you, slightly

but you regain your composure quickly

“talk to me again when you learn that a relationship has friends and partners,

not everything in life is about you” 

and that’s the final time you talk to him

»»——⍟——««

Song Lan

Song Lan comes back into your life as abruptly as he had left it

he had always been more of Xingchen’s friend than yours

you remember him being introduced to you as the quiet, barely smiling but loyal friend that Xingchen knew from way back

he and you never talked much

but he talked a lot with Xingchen

and you could tell that the both of them were close

they made each other happy

which was why his abrupt exit from high school

at the time where Xingchen needed him the most

was difficult for you to understand

though at the same time

his departure gave you a better chance to prove your friendship to Xingchen

to be the person that was there for him when it seemed like no one was

and you think that the chapter of old friendships had closed when you graduated high school

so you didn’t think you’d ever see Song Lan again

let alone, see him in your second year of college in the middle of your campus walk with Xingchen’s arm linked with yours 

“y/n? why’d you stop? we’re going to be late for class”

and now, with Xingchen fully blind

you were somewhat the eyes for him when it came to new places and people

A-Qing was still in her final year of high school, already planning on following your footsteps and applying to the same college as you guys

so it was all left to you

how do you explain to XIngchen that you just saw his best friend that had left him in high school all those years ago without so much as a goodbye?

should you even let him know?

luckily, you don’t have to make the choice

when Song Lan turns and walks away immediately, not looking back

“it’s nothing, i was just startled when a squirrel ran past,” you lie to Xingchen

and continue walking on the path that you both are on

but Xingchen knows you better than yourself

and he can tell that your grip around his arm is a bit tighter than before

but he doesn’t mention anything

~~~

fate would have it that that was not the last encounter that you have with Song Lan

and the next time you do see him, you don’t let him off the hook so easily

“where did you go? how are you here now?” you ask him, when you manage to latch onto his arm at the small campus cafe 

he takes his wrist out of your grasp easily

though his face looks slightly more expressive than you remember he used to be

“how’s Xingchen?” he counters with you and you huff out an exasperated laugh

“you wouldn’t need to ask me that if you had been there for us,” you find yourself saying

because you can still remember, vividly

the first few weeks of Xingchen’s blindness

his embarrassment towards you where you know he wouldn’t have been with Song Lan

and how much he missed him

“do you... do you think i can see him?” Song Lan asks, a beat after your heavy comment

you truly wonder what Xiao Xingchen would have to say to this

because you may be his best friend

but you can’t make his decisions for him

“i don’t know, why don’t you ask him,” you tell Song Lan, then tilt your head

when Song Lan turns around, he sees the person who he’s looking for right away

Xiao Xingchen is hard to miss

Song Lan stares

now it all comes down to, whether or not he would take the first step to him or not

[fallencomrade]

                                                 ━━  𝟑s

                                                     please repost, don’t reblog.

𝟑 𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐆𝐓𝐇𝐒

   ▘  LOYALTY   ➺   a  shining  trait  of  james  barnes  that  ( somehow )  survived  the  passing  of  time  and  tribulation.  since  his  early  brooklyn  days,  bucky  barnes  displayed  a  steadfast  loyalty  and  dedication  towards  those  he  loved  and  cherished.  growing  up  during  a  time  when  there  was  a  heavy  emphasis  on  duty  and  responsibility,  james  understood  his  role  as  the  eldest  and  only  male  child  of  george  and  winifred  barnes  -  and  assumed  that  role  with  ease  and  enthusiasm.  this  loyalty  extended  beyond  blood  though,  as  was  proven  by  james’  devotion  to  close  friends,  the  most  notorious  being  his  everlasting  friendship  with  steven  rogers.  hydra  had  tried  to  weaponize  this  gleaming  trait,  hoping  to  mold  it  to  their  liking  and  use  it  to  instill  a  unquestionable  loyalty  to  their  cause.  they  were  pathetically  unsuccessful  -  and  the  chair  and  cryochamber  were  fashioned  as  a  result.  after  his  time  spent  with  hydra,  TRUST  is  something  barnes  deeply  struggles  with.  his  trusted  inner  circle  has  certainly  grown  smaller  and  much  more  exclusive,  but  james  still  harbors  this  same  dedication  to  those  selected  few.  given  his  past  and  his  current  afflictions,  those  bonds  he  does  manage  to  forge  prove  all  the  more  stronger  and  resilient.

  ▘  TENACITY   ➺   the  serum  only  enhanced  that  which  already  existed  within  him.  childhood  was  spent  surviving  the  rough  and  tumble  of  brooklyn  city  streets,  made  all  the  more  grueling  with  steve  rogers  as  a  best  friend.  as  such,  barnes  learned  at  a  very  young  age  how  to  assess  a  situation,  adapt  to  his  surroundings  and  ( most  importantly )  how  to  survive.  dance  hall  skirmishes  and  back  alley  brawls  were  nothing  though  compared  to  the  brutalities  of  war.  still,  it  was  this  grit  that  helped  the  young  man  not  only  survive  but  excel  as  a  sergeant.  the  army  soon  discovered  that  this  notorious  flirt  from  brooklyn  exhibited  a  certain  aptitude  for  sharpshooting.  this  impressive  talent  along  with  james’  natural  charisma  helped  to  build  him  a  trusted  reputation  within  the  ranks  and  respect  among  his  comrades.  these  talents  were  also  what  made  the  man  such  a  formidable  soldier.  the  bastard - serum  amplified  these  strengths  and  hydra  WEAPONIZED  them.  years  blurred  into  decades�� and  his  skills  were  hellishly  refined  thanks  to  rigorous  and  ruthless  training.  the  winter  soldier  program  reconstructed  the  man  into  a  living,  breathing  weapon  capable  of  handling  any  firearm,  blade,  explosive,  advanced  weaponry,  artillery  or  blunt  object.  &&  if  he  truly  found  himself  limited  and  weaponless,  the  cybernetic  arm  soldered  to  his  body  proved  a  more  than  capable  alternative.  in  combat,  the  soldier  proved  a  devastating  force  and  hydra  was  quick  to  take  the  credit  and  reap  the  benefits,  but  this  staggering  ability  to  adapt  without  pause  and  utilize  his  surroundings  for  his  advantage  stemmed  not  in  the  dirty  lab  of  one  arnim  zola  but  began  on  the  street  corners  of  the  city  james  barnes’  called  home.    

 ▘  VIRTUE  /  ETHICS   ➺   growing  up  during  the  depression  was  not  easy  for  anyone  and  neither  was  spending  the  beginning  of  young  adulthood  surviving  the  second  world  war.  his  childhood  was  marked  by  some  of  the  worst  and  most  difficult  times  in  history  -  and  yet  james  never  allowed  hardship  or  misfortune  deter  his  regard  for  hard  work,  nor  did  he  allow  it  to  pollute  his  idealistic  outlook  on  life.  both  his  parents  worked  hard  to  support  the  family  and  that  same  work - ethic  was  imparted  onto  james,  who  assumed  the  role  eagerly  and  naturally.  luckily,  during  this  time  of  strife,  his  family  always  had  enough  to  provide  both  him  and  his  two  sisters  a  comfortable  lifestyle,  with  various  opportunities  to  explore  and  take  advantage  of  -  which  was  more  than  some  families  could  boast  at  that  time.  after  the  death  of  sarah  rogers,  james  made  the  decision  to  move  into  an  apartment  with  his  best  friend.  as  young  bacherlors,  they  did  not  have  much  but  together  they  managed  to  scrape  by  and  make  an  honest  living.  despite  steve’s  skepticism,  james’  choices  were  never  made  out  of  pity  or  some  disgruntled  sense  of  obligation.  he  worked  tirelessly  and  did  what  he  had  to  because  that  was  what  he  grew  up  believing.  a  man  takes  care  of  the  people  he  loves,  no  matter  what.  whatever  the  cost  -  working  two  jobs,  skipping  a  meal  here  and  there,  some  months  spent  without  heat,  selling  unnecessary  belongings  -  bucky  would  do  whatever  was  necessary  -  and  did  so  without  complaint.  in  fact,  he  woke  up  each  morning  with  a  smile  on  his  face  and  a  quip  on  his  tongue.  for  him,  there  was  no  better  reward  or  greater  comfort  than  knowing  the  ones  he  loved  were  taken  care  of.  he  believes  himself  unrecognizable  when  compared  to  that  willful  man  now,  but  certain  traits  of  the  old  james  barnes  can  still  be  found  within  him.  there  is  a  payout  for  hard  work  and  the  man  that  he  is  today  is  slowly  remembering  those  feelings  of  satisfaction  and  fulfillment  in  honest  labor.  

𝟑 𝐖𝐄𝐀𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐄𝐒

▘  RUTHLESSNESS  ➺   𝑡𝘩𝑒 𝑠𝑒𝑟𝑢𝑚 𝑡𝑎𝑘𝑒𝑠 𝑡𝘩𝑎𝑡 𝑤𝘩𝑖𝑐𝘩 𝑎𝑙𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑦 𝑒𝑥𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑠.  𝑔𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑠 𝑔𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑡.  𝑏𝑎𝑑 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑠 ...    before  the  horrible  truth  was  unmasked,  the  history  books  painted  james  barnes  in  a  favorable  glow.  he  was  known  for  being  the  young  jovial,  dashing  side - kick  of  captain  america.  A  PATRIOT  -  dedicated,  noble,  brave,  honorable  ;;  an  honest,  hardworking  man  who  cared  about  family,  duty,  honor  and  sacrifice.  &&  he  was  many  of  these  things.  no  one  could  deny  james  barnes  of  his  genuine  heart  of  gold.  the  man  was  willing  to  do  anything  for  those  he  loved.  anything.  such  love  was  a  truly  powerful  thing,  capable  of  cultivating  great  beauty.  it  could  also  prove  to  be  equally  as  DISASTROUS.  at  its  purest  form,  it  inspired  strength,  selflessness,  kindness.  twisted,  it  became  a  deadly  incentive.  the  BRUTALITY  of  the  winter  soldier  was  not  born  solely  from  the  torture  inflicted  upon  him  or  the  serum  he  was  infected  with.  beneath  his  buoyant,  sprightly  exterior  existed  a  side  of  james  barnes  that  was  seldom  exposed,  unless  provoked.  there  was  a  violence  that  lived  within  the  darker  parts  of  his  heart,  a  ruthless  determination  to  protect  the  things  which  were  important  to  him.  &&  if  anyone  dared  to  threaten  those  things ?  well ...  those  details  are  far  less  known.  if  needed,  james  had  no  qualms  about  getting  his  hands  dirty  or  splitting  open  his  knuckles  to  send  a  very  clear  message.  he  had  an  ability  to  separate  himself  from  his  own  subconscious  and  used  this  talent  to  become  someone  almost  unrecognizable  from  his  more  charming  counterpart.  this  austerity  deepened  into  something  even  more  callous  during  the  war  -  when  the  enemy  became  much  more  larger  and  far  more  deadly.  to  switch  back  and  forth  between  these  personas  became  even  more  fluid  and  then  -  it  became  frighteningly  easy.  it  was  a  duality  that  many  were  forced  to  adopt  in  order  to  survive  the  TRAUMAS  of  war.  it  was  only  a  glimpse  of  what  he  was  truly  capable  of  though.  the  extent  of  his  CRUELTY  reached  its  full  potential  once  he  was  injected  with  zola’s  serum.  bucky  barnes  was  capable  of  great  horror,  even  before  he  became  the  winter  soldier  -  but  with  the  serum,  the  torture  &&  captivity  -  this  capacity  was  exposed  and  steadily  becoming  the  CRUX  of  his  entire  character.  despite  the  size  of  his  heart  of  the  pureness  of  his  intentions,  there  still  exists  a  violence  inside  of  him.  ruthless  and  efficient,  it  has  grown,  survived,  thrived  and  matured  over  the  years,  and  still  sits  within  his  core  today  -  its  potential  just  as  deadly  and  just  as  horrifying.

▘  DISSOCIATION / DETATCHMENT  ➺   an  extension  of  the  adverse  trait  described  above,  james  started  to  display  this  ability  to  separate  himself  from  his  more  repugnant  qualities  early  on.  he  was  never  known  for  being  VIOLENT.  that  brutality  was  extracted  and  molded  once  hydra  got  their  hands  on  him,  it  was  assumed.  the  historians  will  tell  you  the  winter  soldier  was  a  product  of  inhumane  warfare,  experimentation,  abuse  and  indoctrination,  but  james  knows  the  truth ...  in  the  beginning,  james  did  what  he  had  to  to  protect  the  ones  he  loved.  during  his  captivity,  he  did  what  he  had  to  to  survive.  &&  now  -  he  does  what  he  needs  to  to  live  with  himself.  &&  what  was  necessary  in  all  these  occasions  required  the  man  to  separate  himself  from  his  empathy  -  and  later  on,  his  HUMANITY.  he  relied  so  heavily  on  this  mechanism  during  his  time  as  the  soldier  that  the  disconnection  became  more  common  than  not  and  breaking  free  from  that  impulse  is  something  he  continues  to  struggle  with  today  -  and  something  he  is  hesitant  to  even  relinquish.  dissociation  makes  it  easier  to  exist  ;;  to  move  forward  -  as  is  expected  of  him.  one  day  bleeds  into  another,  into  another,  into  another ...  and  he  moves  with  it,  no  longer  a  phantom  existing  outside  of  time.  instead,  an  active  presence.   —  but  his  continued  reliance  on  this  crutch ?    he  exists.    but  is  james  barnes  living ?    IS  HE  REALLY  ALIVE ? 

▘  INDECISION  ( current day )  ➺   a  weakness  that  only  manifested  after  his  captivity,  barnes  deeply  struggles  with  the  burden  of  choice.  freedom.  autonomy.  ambition.  purpose.  all  the  small  ( yet  crucial )  decisions  and  preferences  that  define  a  person’s  character  oftentimes  feels  absent  from  his  makeup.  james  buchanan  barnes  used  to  have  strong  opinions,  about  anything  and  everything.  his  favorite  flavor  of  pie,  best  subject  in  school,  favored  season,  blondes  -  brunettes ?  hell,  he  even  had  a  favorite  color.  if  someone  were  to  ask  this  james  barnes  about  those  same  sentiments,  if  they  lasted  and  endured  the  years  along  with  him  or  if  they  had  changed  with  the  time,  james  would  falter  and  stare  back  with  vacant  eyes.  individuality  feels  like  a  withered  gravesite  inside  of  him,  a  bottomless  pit  of  nothing.  every  so  often  he  may  hear  the  flickering  echoes  of  what  once  was,  but  the  enthusiasm  -  the  passion  -  feels  distant,  far - away.  for  decades,  he  had  been  deprived  of  free will.  he  was  a  WEAPON  and  weapons  did  not  feel  or  think.  weapons  did  not  make  noise  unless  fired  by  the  hands  authorized  to  use  them.  unbounded,  given  a  NAME  once  again,  a  voice  -  and  he  knows  he  should  feel  grateful.  &&  yet,  the  only  thing  he  feels  is  overwhelmed.  his  mind  does  not  hesitant  when  it  comes  to  battle  ;;  TO KILLING.  his  hands  know  exactly  which  gun  to  reach  for  given  a  situation,  how  much  pressure  to  apply  to  snap  a  bone.  he  no  longer  needs  to  run  the  numbers  in  his  head  to  calculate  a  bullets’  trajectory  given  distance  and  wind  speed.  he  fires  without  thought  and  never  misses.  he  is  an  expert  of  wartime  tactics.  violence  is  second  nature  to  him,  right  behind  DEATH.  now,  alive  -  a  free  man ...  they  ask  him  what  he  wants  and  barnes ...  does  not  know  -  and  he  inadvertently  still  finds  himself  looking  to  others  to  supply  those  answers  (  that  instruction. )

𝟑 𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐒

▘  SHAMEFUL INCLINATIONS  ➺   to  admit  such  whims  out  loud  would  flood  him  with  repugnant  shame.  he  knows  it  is  wrong  to  reminisce  and  crave  the  inertia  of  subjection,  but  he  cannot  deny  the  nostalgic  longing  that  twists  inside  of  him  on  his  darkest  days.  to  think  such  things  ;;  to  feel  such  things  disgraces  the  efforts  and  sacrifices  that  were  made  in  order  to  free  him  from  those  chains.   —  but  james  barnes  has  always  been  selfish  like  that.  it  is  easy  to  brush  off  accountability  and  blame  hydra  for  everything.  𝗂𝗍  𝗐𝖺𝗌𝗇'𝗍  𝗁𝗂𝗆,  𝗍𝗈𝗇𝗒 !  𝗁𝗒𝖽𝗋𝖺  𝗁𝖺𝖽  𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗍𝗋𝗈𝗅  𝗈𝖿  𝗁𝗂𝗌  𝗆𝗂𝗇𝖽.   ▪    𝚑𝚢𝚍𝚛𝚊 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚞𝚗𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞.    ▪   🇾​🇴​🇺​  🇦​🇷​🇪​  🇹​🇭​🇪​  🇱​🇴​🇳​🇬​🇪​🇸​🇹​  🇸​🇪​🇷​🇻​🇮​🇳​🇬​  🇵​🇴​🇼​.    ▪    𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚞𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚗𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚘𝚌𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗.    ▪   𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖽𝗂𝖽 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗌𝖾 𝗒𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗌,  𝗂𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗌𝗇'𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎.    𝗒𝗈𝗎  𝖽𝗂𝖽𝗇'𝗍  𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾  𝖺  𝖼𝗁𝗈𝗂𝖼𝖾.  NO CHOICE.   they  had  absolute  control  over  his  body,  his  mind. (did they?)  he  could  not  refuse. (couldn’t he?)   the  grim  reality  is  that,  as  years  bled  into  decades,  the  leash  hydra  had  chained  around  his  neck  started  to  loosen  considerably,  until  the  pull  barely  existed  at  all.  rarely  did  his  handlers  need  to  rely  on  the  early  tactics  to  keep  him  in  line.  he  COMPLIED  without  resistance.  both  masters  and  soldier  fell  into  an  agreeable  rhythm,  following  a  trusted  routine.  it  made  activation  less  agonizing,  muffled  the  scratching  of  chaotic  thoughts  into  soothing  white  noise.  it  made  his  orders  simpler  ;;  made  killing  easier  ;;  made  existing  with  himself ...  easier.  it  was  a  gift  ( they told him )  to  be  relieved  of  the  burden  of  choice  and  there  are  times  when  he  still  ( shamefully ) agrees  with  this.  to  feel  nothing  at  all,  after  having  felt  so  much ... ?  it  is  a  very  dangerous  thing.  the  numbing  high  of  indifference,  apathy,  inertia  -  can  feel  like  FREEDOM. 

▘  LIKELIHOOD OF RECOVERY  ➺   the  harrowing  truth ...  he  has  lived  more  of  his  life  as  a  WEAPON  than  he  has  a  person.  after  everything  he  has  gone  through,  james  feels  more  machine  than  he  does  human.  he  feels  the  corrosion  of  rust  spreading  through  him.  his  body  does  not  feel  like  flesh  and  bone,  but  more  akin  to  gears  and  wires  and  metal.  thoughts  are  mere  embedded  programming ...  implanted,  artificial.  his  heart  feels  like  a  gnarled  knot  inside  his  chest.  his  soul  feels  absent.  morality  is  faint,  compassion  -  oftentimes  hard  to  find.  to  choose  requires  great  effort  ;;  to  think  requires  effort  ;;  to  care  requires  effort  -  and  james  is  exhausted.  those  on  his  side  tell  him  he  deserves  a  chance  to  recover,  to  heal  -  but  he  sometimes  thinks  that  the  best  thing  they  could  do  given  the  situation  is  to  take  this  body  that  feels  more  like  a  weapon,  decommission  it,  place  it  in  storage  under  lock  and  key  and  allow  it  to  gather  dust.  can  he  heal ?  can  he  recover ?  can  he  exist  as  anything  other  than  a  weapon ?  after  all  this  time  and  after  everything  he  has  gone  through ?  he  isn’t  sure.  optimism  hasn’t  been  his  forte  since  1942.  he  considers  himself  a  realist.  &&  if  his  chances  follow  his  rotten  history  of  luck,  the  odds  do  not  appear  to  be  on  his  side.

▘  DRAFTED SOLDIER  ➺   he  will  never  admit  it.  ever.  &&  how  befitting  -  this  dark  secret.  how  it  reveals  the  nature  of  his  character ...   all  the  blood  on  his  hands,  all  the  lives  he  has  stolen,  the  atrocities  he  has  committed  -  and  this  is  the  one  thing  he  is  most  ashamed  of.  his  head  is  filled  with  dark  secrets  -  hydra’s,  his  own.  all  of  them  are  shameful,  ugly,  brutal  and  yet  this  one  secret  stands  out  the  most  in  his  mind.  this  is  the  one  that  GUTS  him  the  most,  because  it  was  before ...  everything.  before  the  war,  before  hydra,  before  the  soldier.  this  reveals  james  barnes  at  his  core.  this  is  his  blemish  ;;  his  most  reproachable  trait.  this  destroys  his  character  more  than  hydra  or  the  soldier  ever  did.  it  is  a  truth  he  will  never  admit  to,  to  anyone.  he  will  even  go  as  far  as  denying  it,  lying  to  his  dying  breath.   —  but  how  could  he  admit  such  a  thing ?  after  witnessing  the  bravery  and  determination  he  saw  in  others,  in  his  best  friend  -  to  serve,  to  protect  -  without  the  slightest  pause  or  hesitation.  all  the  while  he  tried  to  hide  from  the  call  of  duty,  hoping.  praying.  james  barnes  never  signed  up  to  serve  the  second  world  war.  it  is  a  secret  he  has  never  admitted  to  anyone.  not  to  his  friends,  his  father  or  sisters.  not  to  the  other  commandoes.  not  even  ( especially  not )  steve.  &&  it  is  a  secret  he  will  take  to  the  grave.   

𝟑 𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐒

▘  LOSING AUTONOMY  ➺   while  freedom  has  proven  tumultuous,  he  still  prefers  the  struggle  when  compared  to  the  alternative.  while  under  hydra’s  control,  james  barely  surfaced,  but  the  rare  times  he  did  he  saw  the  world  though  a  murky  sheet  of  ice,  drifting  in  the  inertia  of  the  soldier’s  compliance.  existence  felt  more  like  an  out  of  body  experience  -  a  resultant  of  trauma,  he  was  later  told.  he  witnessed  his  torture,  his  brutal  crimes,  the  creeping  advancement  of  hydra’s  power,  more  as  an  onlooker  than  an  active  participant.  it  made  certain  things ... easier  to  stomach.  the  torture,  the  experiments  ;;  stasis,  the  chair.  it  made  following  orders ...  simpler.  he  hardly  blinked  when  exposed  to  his  own  potential  for  DEVASTATION.  the  violence.  the  breaking,  rebuilding  and  training  of  more  soldiers,  the  little  spiders.  torture.  murder.  during  his  less  lucid  states,  he ( selfishly ) welcomed  the  disconnect,  but  every  so  often  -  his  old  sense  of  morality  would  give  a  kick  and  he  would  stare,  wide - eyed  and  horrified.  he  would  honestly  try  with  every  bit  of  strength  he  had  left  inside  of  him  to  stop  himself,  to  control  himself,  but  even  his  hardest  endeavors  failed  miserably  against  the  soldier’s  rigid  conditioning.  nothing  more  than  the  occasional  hiccup  in  his  code,  a  sudden  half - second  hesitation  -  quickly  roped  back  into  submission  by  screaming  static.  to  exist  in  such  a  way  -  condemned  to  watch  as  your  shadow  destroys  every  bit  of  light  within,�� fated  to  feel  the  rot  putrefy  your  soul,  slowly  -  slowly ... it  is  a  terrible  thing.  &&  it  will  continue  to  haunt  james  for  the  rest  of  his  life.  he  may  struggle  to  find  purpose  after  his  liberation,  the  motivation  and  energy  to  pursue  a  meaningful  life,  but  the  last  thing  he  ever  wants  ( what he fears )  is  to  be  used  as  a  PUPPET  again.

▘  LIVING  ➺   he  existed  in  a  definite  state  for  a  very  long  time,  long  enough  for  him  to  find  comfort  in  routine,  monotony  -  THE EXPECTED.  there  was  an  equation  to  surviving  hydra  ( surviving himself )  -  and  hydra  proved  they  would  be  true  to  their  word  if  only  he  obeyed.   COMPLIANCE WILL BE REWARDED.   orders  were  clear  and  exact  and  non - negotiable.  missions  were  organized  and  coordinated,  objectives  defined  well  before  he  was  even  pulled  from  stasis.  he  knew  what  to  expect  -  how  much  pain  he  would  need  to  endure,  what  followed  activation,  what  proceeded  mission  completion  -  and  he  knew  what  he  needed  to  do  in  order  to  make  the  process  bearable.  ( ready to comply )  the  soldier  did  not  like  it  when  things  did  not  go  according  to  plan.  like  hydra,  he  did  not  like  surprises.  lose  ends.  it  required  him  to  make  decisions, to  think ...   orders  were  simple.  all  he  needed  to  do  was  complete  them  as  quickly,  as  cleanly  and  as  efficiently  as  possible,  AS INSTRUCTED.  any  deviation  from  the  expected  leads  quickly  into  CHAOS  and  chaos  can  be  as  dangerous  and  as  deadly  as  an  explosion.  after  the  failure  of  project  insight,  the  soldier  was  forced  to  adapt  to  his  situation  in  order  to  survive.  the  upheaval  of  sudden  liberation  almost  destroyed  him.  he  spent  those  first  few  months  in  a  mad  attempt  to  regain  some  semblance  of  order.  he  hid  out  of  sight,  living  as  a ghost  while  struggling  with  whiplashing  whims:  the  rigid  impulse  to  return  to  his  surviving  handlers  ( for  orders )  or  the  luring  urge  to  continue  to  run  and  observe  this  new  form  of  reality  he  had  abruptly  been  exposed  to.  it  was  a  constant  strife  between  soldier  and  man  ;;  compliance  and  curiosity.  the  longer  he  was  exposed  to  clean  air  though,  the  more  james  barnes  settled  to  the  surface,  the  stronger  his  voice  became.  the  soldier  slowly  started  to  come  to  terms  with  some  truths.  he  did  not  miss  the  chair  -  or  hydra’s  drugs.  he  did  not  miss  the  violence.  it  was  enough  to  justify  his  decision  to  run  -  and  slowly,  the  man  started  to  live.  to  be  alive  ( human )  opened  the  door  to  many  things  he  did  not  mind.  music,  knowledge,  the  warmth  of  a  blanket,  pizza ...  but  there  was  a  price.  james  learned  in  bucharest  that  he  could  not  continue  to  live  as  a  ghost.  he  could  not  continue  to  reap  the  benefits  of  living  without  also  bearing  its  obligations.  the  more  he  is  dragged  back  into  the  land  of  the  living,  the  more  responsibility  is  placed  on  his  shoulders.  he  is  forced  now  to  make  decisions  that  not  only  impact  his  life  but  others  as  well.  it  also  brings  into  focus  his  past,  forcing  him  to  start  coming  to  terms  with  his  crimes  -  and  his  guilt.  to  live  a  life  involves  many  things  james  is  not  yet  comfortable  with.  he  is  forced  to  move  forward,  to  make  choices,  to  collaborate  and  trust  others,  to  heal ...  all  new  waters  the  man  is  deathly  afraid  to  wade  into,  because  it  leads  to  uncertainty,  leads  to  the  unexpected.  cause  and  effect.  there  is  no  equation  to  guarantee  success  ;;  no  trusted,  proven  procedure  to  follow.  to  live  a  full  life  means  making  decisions  and  then  being  brave  enough  to  live  with  those  decisions.  barnes  still  deeply  struggles  with  the  fear  of  the  UNKNOWN,  and  when  overwhelmed  by  crippling  indecision,  finds  himself  clinging  to  old  comforts.  that  same  sickening  desire  to  exist  once  more  beyond  the  bounds  of  time,  a  chimera  relieved  of  the  burden  of  choice  all  together.    

▘  HIMSELF  ➺   his  potential.   his  mind,  body  -  everything  contained  within  this  cage  of  blood  and  bone  terrifies  him.  for  him  ( &&  those  made  like  him )  freedom  is  nothing  more  than  a  far - fetched  pipedream.  zemo  shattered  all  illusions  of  freedom,  and  all  it  took  was  the  whisper  of  ten  choice  words.  regardless  of  the  small  progress  he  made  in  the  years  following  his  defection,  all  of  it  was  reduced  to  rubble  the  moment  he  was  dragged  back  into  the  plane  of  the  living.  he  was  careless,  ignorant,  sloppy  -  allowing  himself  to  be  curious,  hopeful  -  and  six  agents  paid  the  price  for  it  in  germany  when  the  soldier  was  reactivated.  the  great  fist  of  hydra  is  indeed  a  terrifying  sight  to  behold,  but  james  understands  the  soldier  is  simply  a  byproduct  of  himself  -  and  that  is  what  truly  horrifies  him.  even  before  the  serum  was  introduced  into  his  body,  his  potential  was ...  concerning.  the  things  he  was  willing  to  do  back  home  ;;  the  things  he  was  willing  to  do  during  the  war ...  the  disconcerting  ways  he  was  able  to  manipulate  his  own  morality.  his  malleable  ethical  code.  the  serum  only  heightened  that  which  already  existed  inside  of  him,  but  it  did  pave  a  space  for  corruption  to  thrive.  it  made  him  even  more  dangerous,  even  more  LETHAL.  his  potential  for  destruction  was  exemplified.  his  ability  to  survive,  his  tolerance  for  pain  -  expanded.  the  serum  allowed  hydra  the  opportunity  to  find  that  seed  of  ugliness  which  existed  inside  of  him  and  feed  it,  cultivate  it.  they  helped  it  grow  and  thrive,  and  then  sowed  the  deadly  fruits.  the  things  he  found  himself  capable  of  -  the  violence,  the  brutality.  the  things  he  learned  to  stomach  ;;  the  horrors  he  found  himself  able  to  commit ...  revolutionists.  bright  minds.  visionaries.  humanitarians.  entire  families.  innocent  bystanders.  good  people.  children.  he  killed  without  blinking  ;;  without  flinching  -  and  then  returned  to  the  people  who  issued  those  orders  and  waited  for  more.  there  were  a  handful  of  times  when  he  hesitated,  questioned  -  but  for  the  most  part,  he  completed  his  orders  without  question  and  did  so  without  feeling  a  flutter  of  disturbance.   i had no choice.  hydra had control of his mind.  you couldn’t refuse them.  it wasn’t your fault.   he  can  hide  behind  those  excuses  all  he  wants,  but  barnes  knows  what  lives  inside  of  him.  he  knows  what  hydra  put  inside  him  and  what  was  already  there.  the  winter  soldier  might  be  an  exaggeration  of  the  worst  parts  of  a  person  -  as  captain  america  exemplified  the  best  -  but  the  soldier  is  only  a  reflection  of  the  darkness  that  already  lived  within  him.     &&  THAT IS TERRIFYING. 

𝟑 𝐆𝐎𝐀𝐋𝐒

▘  PURPOSE  ➺   ever  since  his  reemergence  back  into  the  land  of  the  living,  james  has  struggled  to  understanding  what  to  do  with  newfound  existence.  a  name,  a  face,  a  place  in  this  world,  an  identity  and  yet  -  on  most  days  he  still  feels  like  a  weapon.  recovery  feels  similar  to  deactivation,  and  the  soldier  finds  himself  waiting,  constantly  preparing  for  the  day  when  they  will  take  him  out  of  storage,  brush  off  the  rust  and  use  him  once  more.  the  expectation  looms  over  him  like  a  dark  cloud  and  hinders  his  progress.   —  but  what  else  does  he  have  to  offer ?  what  else  can  he  do ?  if  not  for  some  useful  purpose,  why  does  he  exist ?  if  the  only  thing  he  knows  how  to  do  is  fight,  kill,  DESTROY  -  what  other  direction  is  there ?  he  is  good  at  what  he  does.  he  is  good  at  what  hydra  bred  him  to  be ...  but  he  does  not  want  to  exist  for  that  purpose.  he  is  tired  of  war,  of  violence  -  but  without  the  constant  stimulation  of  battle,  time  is  a  slow  and  dragging  endeavor.  he  does  want  to  prove  ( to  the  world,  hydra,  steve,  to  himself )  that  he  is  more  than  just  a  weapon  made  for  war,  but  he  finds  himself  more  often  than  not  questioning  the  validity  to  that  statement,  especially  when  it  is  the  only  thing  that  feels  natural  to  him.  the  serum  defines  him.  his  skillset  defines  him.  his  past  defines  him  -  and  if  he  has  proven  one  thing,  it  is  that  he  is  a  good  fighter.  A GOOD KILLER.  he  excels  when  it  comes  to  battle.  he  is  hard  to  stop  ;;  hard  to  kill  -  and  these  types  of  strengths  point  to  one  obvious  path.  one  does  not  use  a  blade  to  paint  a  magnificent  masterpiece.  he  was  weaponized  long  ago  and  to  try  to  be  anything  but  what  he  has  been  for  so  long  seems ...  counterproductive.   still,  he  does  not  want  to  keep  fighting  -  and  his  doctors  tell  him  that  is  important  ( essential ).  if  he  isn’t  serving  though,  what  should  he  do ?  time  is  so  painstakingly  slow  and  without  stasis,  he  does  not  know  how  to  fill  in  the  stagnant  space  in  between.  he  might  lose  whatever  shreds  of  sanity  he  has  left  -  and  there  isn’t  much  left  to  spare.  he  needs  guidance,  instruction.  he  needs  someone  to  tell  him  what  to  do ...  they  tell  him  it  is  up  to  him  to  decide,  but  he  doesn’t  know.  he  does  not  want  to  go  back  to  hydra  ;;  he  does  not  want  to  be  controlled  or  manipulated.   —  but  when  time  starts  to  pull  and  drag  and  his  mind  is  left  free  to  wander ...  there  are  times  when  he  feels  desperate  enough  to  long  for  orders.  he  hopes  to  find  some  kind  of  meaning  once  again  to  his  existence  and  hopes  this  time  around,  it  is  fashioned  for  something  good.  

▘  A SENSE OF IDENTITY  ➺   he  is  not  sure  he  will  ever  truly  feel  natural  within  his  own  skin  or  inside  his  own  mind.  the  face  he  wears  now  feels  more  like  a  mask,  stretched  to  the  seams  to  hide  the  husk  beneath.  for  so  long  he  existed  as  a  puppet,  body  moving  on  command.  his  actions  never  felt  like  his  own  and  neither  did  his  thoughts.  for  far  too  long,  he  was  a  stranger  inside  his  own  mind  and  body.  the  strings  have  been  cut,  a  name  placed  back  on  his  tongue  -  but  he  still  feels ...  empty.   who  is  he ?   what  does  he  like  to  do ?  what  are  his  hobbies ?  his  interests ?  what  does  he  dislike ?  what  makes  him  happy ?  what  makes  him  sad ?  they  ask  him  these  questions  and  all  he  can  hear  are  the  voices  of  old  hydra  handlers  inside  his  head.  A  WEAPON  NEED  NOT  BOTHER  ITSELF  WITH  SUCH  MEANINGLESS  FRIVOLITIES.    —   it  is  not  a  part  of  your  code.   he  often  needs  to  be  reminded  ( reassured )  -  he  is  not  a  weapon.  he  is  not  a  machine.  beneath  skin  and  bone,  he  has  a  heart.  he  has  a  mind  and  both  these  things  belong  to  him.  he  is  allowed  to  want,  to  feel,  to  explore,  to  refuse,  to  challenge ...  freely.  it  is  a  hard  concept  for  him  to  remember  and  to  accept,  but  he  has  made  some  strides.  he  has  discovered  ( rediscovered ? )  some  things  he  likes:  the  feel  of  sunlight  against  his  face,  the  smell  of  coffee,  the  soft  scratch  of  a  record  player  and  the  fuzzy  music  which  follows,  a  trusted  knife,  pizza,  warm  blankets ...  he  has  also  recognized  some  things  he  does  not  like.  the  building  crackle  of  electricity,  paralysis,  the  stench  of  death,  silence  so  loud  it  hurts,  eyes  watching  him,  the  sudden,  sharp  hiss  of  ice  melting,  prolonged  pain ...   meager  progress  maybe,  but  it  is  a  start  -  and  james  hopes  to  some  day  feel  the  same  comfort  within  his  own  body  and  mind  that  his  past - self  seemed  to  epitomize  so  effortlessly.  TO  BE  HIS  OWN  PERSON  -  defined  by  passions,  opinions  ;;  propelled  by  confident  choices  made  with  conviction ...  the  idea  seems  so  unattainable  given  how  DAMAGED  he  is,  but  it  is  still  something  he  would  like  to  attain.  if  only  to  prove  to  hydra  ( &&  to  himself )  that  he  is  in  fact  his  own  person  and  that  he  does  not  belong  to  anyone  -  but  himself. 

▘  TO PROMOTE POSITIVE CHANGE  ➺   after  all  the  destruction  he  has  blasted  into  the  course  of  history,  the  idea  seems  almost ...  laughable.  dismissible  certainly,  for  what  other  purpose  could  hands  sharpened  into  blades  be  used  for ?  &&  perhaps  even  insulting,  to  those  whose  lives  he  ruined.  like  his  other  emotions,  after  his  desertion  his  guilt  was  initially  muted,  but  the  longer  he  remains in  this  plane  of  existence  -  the  more  time  allowed  to  heal  -  the  more  james  comes  face  to  face  with  those  directly  impacted  by  his  crimes,  and  each  time  the  discomfort  inside  him  grows  stronger.  the  memories  are  returning  and  most  of  them  are  HORRIFIC.  the  lives  he  cut  short,  the  families  he  ripped  apart.  the  orphans  he  abandoned,  the  parents  he  made  bury  their  children ...  the  peace  he  broke  in  order  to  secure  continued  chaos.  hydra  was  a  parasite,  feasting  on  the  corpses  of  war  and  conflict  -  gorging  and  growing  -  and  he  was  one  of  the  reasons  how  they  survived  and  thrived  throughout  history.  the  fist  of  hydra,  zimniy  soldat,  the  soldier,  hydra’s  bloodhound.  he  was  unseen  from  the  eyes  of  the  world,  faceless  -  but  his  actions  resonated  ;;  his  reputation  notorious,  even  if  only  as  a  ghost  story.  many  of  his  crimes  have  been  made  public  thanks  to  the  widow’s  data  dump,  but  there  are  many  ( too  many )  that  are  still  undisclosed  -  known  only  to  him,  his  victims  and  the  hydra  higher - ups  who  issued  the  orders.  he  knows  it  sounds  silly,  far - fetched,  childish  -  but  it  would  be  nice  to  have  some  kind  of  impact  on  this  world  that  isn’t  so  violent  or  destructive.  he  knows  he  cannot  make  amends  for  all  the  bad  he  has  done.  there  is  too  much  blood  ( far  too  much  blood )  but  if  he  could  do  something ...  to  prove  he  can  be  something  more  than  that  which  hydra  made  of  him,  he  would  like  to  try.  there  is  no  fixing  the  damage  the  winter  soldier  has  caused.  there  is  no  way  to  restore  james  barnes’  promising  reputation,  but  to  leave  this  world  knowing  he  could  do  something  good  -  after  doing  so  much  bad  -  would  feel ...  freeing.

tagged by :  stolen ! tagging :  @cxpt​,  @justicetempered​, @gcroinya​, @fatedfuturist​, @agntross​, @mxndwitch, @toscrve​​​