#every time i even THINK of working on my master’s applications my anxiety shoots through the roof

[peachcitt]

fall out boy save me save me fall out boy

[chezzkaa]

Von, Pardon?

Pairing: Ryan Haywood x Reader & Jeremy Dooley x Reader Universe: Fake AH Crew (Cinders)

Summary: Jeremy’s attempts to secure a gallery setting for an art show sees you roped into being his wife, a wealthy and influential art investor - much to Ryan and your family’s amusement. 

WC: 4788 [Master List]

Jeremy shuffles nervously in the doorway, eyes darting uncomfortably between you and Ryan’s lounging figure splayed across the faded grey couch, hair tumbling over the cream and maroon pillows to spill off the edge. Ray perches in the centre of the muted lilac rug covering the rich wooden floors, completely engulfed in Tilly as she pounces back and forth over his chest, swiping at his nose before bouncing away playfully. 

Around you the world bustles without a care, large windows opening up like panels into a narrative; each seat offering you a new outlook. The ocean gently lapping at the crisp sand, the ice cream parlour with the jovial owner who’s love of sunshine yellow cardigans knew no bounds. But in your pent house you could stop and watch others tumbling through their stresses, safe and far away.

Jeremy struggles, a trembling hand running clumsily through his freshly dyed hair, finger tips still stained purple. Your lips pull away into a glittering beam, his tensions visibly easing at the sight. 

“Of course I'll come to the show, is that even a real question? You’ve worked your ass off, there's no way I'd miss it.” 

Ryan hauls himself into sitting, an equally warm and supportive smile curving across his strong features, “we'll all come.” 

Ray's attention darts to the conversation, apprehension shifting in the scorching depths of his eyes, hand busy scratching Tilly's ear; “what’re you volunteering me for? Every time you do that I nearly die.”

“That was once time!” he defends, body rocking back while he shoots out a hand offence.

“Three times, actually,” you pat his knee in correction before tapping Ray with your foot; having to sink down in the matching bucket chair to reach.

“Jeremy's got art show tomorrow.” The man’s face relaxes, eyes drifting back to your cat as she tries to curl on his chest.

“Look at pictures and shit? I can do that, I'm a pro.”

“For the amount of time you spend glued to video games,” Ryan muses affectionately, eyes resting on Ray’s pursed lips and raised eyebrows, “I have no doubt.”

The sound of Jeremy clearing his throat anxiously catches your attention, cheeks growing pink as he rocks on the balls of his feet; incredibly out of place and caught between the kitchen and living space. “It’s a, err, it’s a black tie event; and I sorta kinda need a date.”

"Oh c’mon, lil J,” teases Ryan smugly, leaning back with his hands behind his head, “I can't believe it’s taken you this long to ask me out. But I'm sorry to say,” his face falls, holding out his left hand and wiggling his fingers, “the opportunity's 5 years too late. I'm happily married.”

“You bet your ass you are,” you warn, watching him shrink into the pillows with his bottom lip drawn between his teeth. The sight sends your heart fluttering, his devoting smile contagious.

“I'll be your date,” interjects Ray in between Tilly's fur; grinning up at Jeremy as he moves to stand beside another empty seat, bright purple and orange classing rudely in your living room. “I’ll do anything for free food.” 

Jeremy lets off an uncomfortable and irritated hum, fingers drumming against the invitations he gripped in white knuckles. Pleadingly he looks to you, your ball of sunshine now a bundle of nerves. 

“See here's the thing: I kinda sorta might've told the owner of the space I was married... To our beloved news anchor's female associate... who happens to be a famous art investor?”

“Oh Jeremy,” you groan as your head falls into your hands, Ryan's deep chuckles swamped by the loud cackles emanating from Ray. 

“I had to Y/N,” he cries, “it looked good on the application and it's the only reason he's letting me use the space.” With a half hearted sigh you stand, accepting the thick printed invitation and peering down at Jeremy’s most professional scrawl. 

“Oh you're kidding,” you mumble into the golden lettering “Beatrice? You fucking called me Beatrice?!”

“Beatrice Von Bisurart,” he squeaks quietly, collapsing into the empty seat and curling his chest to his knees, arms hanging uselessly by his side. 

“Buys your art? Jeremy I taught you better than this.”

“I panicked, okay? It was all very stressful,” the man has to increase his volume, tears now rolling down Ryan’s cheeks as he grows pink from laughter, hunching against his knees to hold in his sides. “And it asked for a significant other and I just lost it and I’m sorry; please be my date?”

“‘Von’, Jeremy!” You smack the paper with wide eyes staring at him, as though you could force some sense into the situation, “where the fuck did you get ‘Von’?”

“It sounded cool, like you’re a vampire slayer or something; I don’t know!”

“You wanted people to think you’d married a vampire slaying art investor? Jeremy, how are we supposed to get matching rings for this shit by tomorrow?” 

Recovering, Ryan grins, standing with creaking knees to lay a supportive hand on his battle buddy’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan.”

“You suck, Jeremy. I’m gonna have to find a fucking babysitter now,” you pout at the clashing monstrosity vibrating in the cream chair, small groans falling into his lap. Tossing the invitation onto the glass coffee table in defeat you glance to the sky streaked with paint as the sun sets, chuckling delicately. 

“Okay, so Jeremy might suck,” Ryan admits, Jeremy letting out a deep, rattling sigh. “But nothing sucks more than being called Beatrice Von Bisurart.”

“Whatcha think of this one?” Jeremy asks, holding the ring to the flashlight's beam; glow dancing off the particles caught in the air. Ryan looks up from the display he was pilfering, joining Jeremy and staring critically at the piece through the smudged face paint. Eventually he shakes his head.

“Do you really think Von Bisurart would wear anything with less than a cluster fuck of diamonds?”

“Oh crap,” Jeremy groans in agreement, tossing the ring behind him; your fingers pinching it mid flight as you shuffle through the necklaces, “you're so right, Ryan. Von Bon is a classy bitch.”

“I dunno,” you counter, shining the light onto the ring as it shines brighter than the gold dusting your eyes, voice muffled through the bandana, “I think it's kinda nice.”

“My wife deserves more than nice,” Jeremy retaliates indignantly, Ryan nodding vigorously by his side. With a sweeping gesture Jeremy's eyes glaze over, a dreamy smile hanging from his lips, “she deserves the world.”

You're chuckling when returning to scavenge, tentatively stepping over the shattered glass sprinkling the carpet from your entrance, careful of the dangers the dark might house. Careering to the counter you rip out the draw beneath the register to reveal the products too expensive to display for the public; riches glittering in excitement as your eyes rake curiously over the sharp edges and pools of gems. 

Rifling through, you're immediately drawn to the thick necklace choked with diamonds, jewels dripping to your collarbone and flush against your neck when you lift the bandana and press it to you skin. With an affectionate chuckle Ryan joins you; fingers brush the nape of your neck to sweep away stray hairs before taking the clasp and latching it, the weight heavy against the hollow of your throat. 

“Oh, now that's nice,” he compliments with a hammering heart as you turn to face him; lost in the rainbows fracturing your eyes. “Beautiful.”

“Hey,” snaps Jeremy, his exaggerated frown appearing above your shoulder, “stop fraternizing with my wife, Ryan.”

“She was my wife first, Jeremy.”

“Well, this is awkward,” shuffles the younger man with a quirk of the lips, eyes drifting to the stacks of jewels you'd unearthed. With a start he lunges in to snatch a hefty ring, every inch littered with elaborate diamonds and shifting colours. Ryan's hand moves to your lower back, redirecting attention to Jeremy, the young man’s face excited as you offer him your hand to allow the incredibly loud fake wedding ring to slip neatly above the real.

“And this is perfect!”

In all the time you’d known Jeremy, he’d never been this nervous. His breath rattled with every vibration rocking through his body, hand’s either buried deep in his pockets or smoothing back his hair for the millionth time. You sigh, his anxieties lapping at your skin as you approach the gallery, lights glowing invitingly from the windows. 

Though a relatively warm night, the breeze gnawed against your skin and through the tumbling royal purple skirts exploding from your waist, tracing the hems of your chest trapped tightly in a cantaloupe sweetheart neckline, arms encased in flattering sleeves but fingers exposed to the wind. Comfort came from the weighted necklace from last night, nestled in the hollows of your throat and emanating power.

Slipping your hand into his with a sense of familiarity and ease, your fingers give him a gentle and reassuring squeeze, his chestnut eyes frantically glancing between your smiling face and the fear throbbing around the final destination. 

“You’ll be okay, J,” you comfort, clicking up the steps in your incredibly tall heels, “you’re an amazing artist. This is gonna be seamless, they’ll be nothing left on the walls.”

“I dunno,” he mumbles in reluctance, an invisible barrier stopping him just before the entrance. You turn to face him, hands moving to his shoulders, resting atop the floral patterns blooming with royal purple variants across his suit jacket.

“Listen to me, just breathe. You’re nervous now, but once we get through those doors you’re Benjamin Von Bisurart. A smooth talking, confident man with a stupid name, who I’m incredibly proud of.”

“You’re right,” he nods, letting you loop his arm intimately around your waist, bodies fitting together like they were fashioned with each other in mind.  

“We’re all here to support you,” you continue, straightening his matching cantaloupe bowtie before resting your palm against the curve of his back. He takes a few shaky breaths, his grip tightening as he collects himself. 

“Remember,” you murmur, directing him towards the large man at the entrance, his welcoming smile false and pained, “my offer to stab everyone still stands.”

“Hopefully it won’t come to that,” he whispers while removing the invitations and handing them over, the man checking them before moving aside. 

“You’re such a party pooper, Von Bisurart.”

“Von, pardon? Oh, oh!” he catches himself, passing the man and entering the bustling space, overwhelmed by the crowd muttering at his art in approval, “you mean me. Right, okay.”

Inside the stiflingly warm room packed with dull shades of grey bodies, all you see are erratic splashes of colour glued to the walls. Sharp tones slashing through cool comforts, grand canvases coated in complex patterns, sculptures etched with dramatic angles. Jeremy had left a part of himself in each piece, the expanse of his emotion lain out for critique. 

You could pick out which artwork tied to the different points of his life, the darker, brooding works heavy and loaded with stress, loaded with Laura. Loaded with Gareth. Splayed out across bleach white walls and curving hallways, the pieces flowed like a journey. Bright colours moving with ease and the dark pain staggered, cluttered and overwhelming.

Littered throughout the winding rooms are the family that lived the paintings, each brush stroke cutting as sharp as the knife buried in their heart, faded smoke as cold as the gun with bullets whizzing with a splash of colour. Jack’s voice reaches you first, Jeremy redirecting your gaze to the powerful woman with fire for hair and flames for soul. Towering in her signature heels, her shape is draped in elegance and freckle clusters, grape fabric pooling to the floor in fountains, long shapely legs protruding from the slits. 

Beside her stands Geoff, tall and proud, incredibly neat in peach slacks and a brilliant white button down, moustache meticulously twirled to follow the curves of his smile. Beneath the cuffs and collar of his dress shirt poke the stifled narrative, seeping into his fingers and tainting his knuckles. He seems content in holding Jack’s drink while she gestures wildly, scolding voice putting a narrow minded critic back in his place. At her words Jeremy smiles, excusing himself to join them after Jack motions with a gold adorned hand, his fingers burning as they leave your waist.

As he leaves, you catch sight of Lindsay and Michael, smartly dressed in matching black attire, streaks of tangerine orange and rich purple dancing through his tie and her sheer scarf. Chatting to a waiter Michael works his charm and talks exuberantly with his hands, drinks tray being emptied behind the server’s back by Lindsay, expertly balancing brimming flute glasses between her fingers. She nods to Michael, disappearing into the shadows as he redirects the servers attention by yelling ‘hey!’ after an invisible culprit, scampering away to hide with his wife and live his best life; duel wielding champagne glasses.

Gavin wastes no time in emerging from the door to the kitchen, clutching a tray loaded with elaborate canapés. Beneath the shimmering gold of his waistcoat glares an aubergine shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows and loose around the collar, legs stretching with incredible length in pastel pumpkin trousers.

 Tearing your eyes away from their laughter, you can’t help but notice people avoiding the anger and pain, instead congregating around the expansive paintings splotched with happy pastels in their dull tones. Stood in an abandoned hallway, Jon in a classic sherbet orange suit jacket stares up at the suffocating piece twirling with deep blues and heavy grey tones, colours found so easily in his eyes, a hand fiddling with the delicate lavender of his shirt. 

Beside the man with wild hair is a familiar face from a lifetime ago. Clinging to your brother’s hand, a suit of orchid, apricot and sunshine yellow hides the inherent clumsiness of his person. His deep olive skin glows beneath the light, hazel eyes studying the piece before him, a hand musing through his messy brunet curls as he stares in wonder. Jon mirrors the expression, though understanding and empathy flows as an undertone.

 “This is incredible,” breathes Ben as you approach, eyes tearing from the piece to greet you, the long forgotten fear sparking for a moment before he settles into an easy, lopsided smile.

“I’m glad you appreciate my husband’s work,” you tease, resting a comfortable hand on his shoulder, casting a glance to Jon, who beams brightly. 

“He’s very talented,” he muses, letting go of Ben’s hand and pulling you into a hug, as warm as ever, “I’m so glad it’s all worked out for him.”

“He’s been so nervous,” you admit, attention drifting from the bright eyes of your family to the dark pain of one of your best friends, agony splatter on the canvas. “The gallery owner’s been trying to get in his ass all week, apparently.”

 “Oh no,” sympathises Jon, lips flattening in concern, “Mr... err, oh god what’s his name? Ermm...” He snaps his fingers; face scrunching as he turns to look up to Ben for help, the man smiling down with patience and adoration. 

“Mr Vermont,” he offers, Jon’s forehead resting against his shoulder with a groan, “we’ve still got to speak to him. He invited you personally, and you promised to interview him for your news segment.”

“Thank you,” your brother breathes in relief, “what would I do without you?”

“Look a lot less attractive,” he teases, pressing a gentle kiss into Jon’s wild hair, gentle chuckles resonating from their shoulders and dancing around your feet. 

You’re smiling at Ben, overwhelmingly grateful for the role he’s played in your life and the lives of those you loved; knowing you couldn’t apologise enough for the years lost to anger and confusion. Still, the joy that had returned to Jon could only be attributed to him. His patience, understanding and loving adoration leading him to devote all he had to Jon’s recovery from the trauma of memory loss. You’d never be able to thank him for bringing your brother back from the brink, certain the downward spiral would have dragged him further into self destruction.

“There’d be less ice cream,” you joke, ears pricking at the sound of youthful, girlish giggles; “that’s for sure.”

“You’ve got a point,” Ben agrees, watching your eyes scan the room for the source of the joyful noises, “it’s not as though there’s 20 other ice cream parlours in Los Santos or anything.”

“Heaven forbid!” Jon gasps, eyebrows quirking as Ben laughs, rich and deep. 

“Besides, you’re conveniently within walking distance of our apartments.” You chuckle, eyes coming to land on Ray, dressed head to toe in purple bar a bright orange tie, a red haired two year old doused in a starfish orange dress sparkling as bright as her amethyst shoes perched against his hip. As soon as he appeared Ray vanishes behind Trevor and Alfredo, the pair in matching mulberry and pink ginger pinstripe suits, talking animatedly to one another.

“We should probably let you go,” admits Ben, a sweeping motion catching the entire room, “Mrs. Von What’s-your-face must have some networking to do!” Your eyes narrow at the mischievous pop of his dimples, gold glittering in his eyes. 

“Careful, Benji,” you warn with a teasing smile, “I made you, and it’ll be easy to break you.”

“Go on,” he challenges as Jon laughs, coaxing away his beaming boyfriend – who can’t help but trip over his own legs, “bring it on!”

“I’ll eat you out of ice cream, don’t you think I won’t!”

 A sharp, insistent tugging on your skirts makes you turn, Jon and Ben dematerialising to explore the rest of the gallery. Stood beside you is a bright girl, her eyes achingly familiar, a deep blue ocean meeting the crisp white sand, light fracturing playfully. You smile, crouching to level with her, giggles tumbling from her lips as your face scrunches; taking her hands in yours. 

“Georgina, what’re you doing running around without Daddy?” 

The girl shrugs, lips sharing the shape of your own as she chews the bottom, “I lost him.”

“I don’t think you did,” you state knowingly, poking her button nose, “I think you ditched him.”

“No!” she exclaims joyfully, attempting to hide the smile splitting her pretty face, eyelashes long and fluttering. 

“Georgie, did you abandon Daddy?”

“... Maybe.”

“Oh sweetie,” you chuckle, brushing back the tumbling golden curls cascading over her shoulders and straightening the amethyst dress that had begun to bunch around her waist, “you know Daddy can’t manage on his own.”

“She’s right,” comes a deep and affectionate chuckle, Ryan parting through the crowd to stand behind the girl, who shrieks in delight. “What would I do without my girls?”

“You’d die!” Georgie offers, skipping in place as you straighten up, laughing while greeting Ryan’s churning eyes and adoring expression. Stood with confidence, his grey, slim fitting jacket traces his curves and angles, papaya dress shirt tucking snug into wine slacks. Taking him in, you’re breathless, hair in similar curls to those of your daughter – if not a little darker – perching atop his head in an elegant bun with spiralling locks brushing the nape of his neck and resting against his jaw bone and shoulders.

“It’s nice to meet you,” you murmur, having to shake out of the trace ensnaring you in his eyes, caught in the waves. He takes your hand, bringing it to his lips and pressing a delicate kiss that leaves your skin tingling and excited.

“Henry Lawrence.” He released your hand reluctantly, instead stroking Georgie’s hair. “Mrs. Von Bisurart, this is my eldest, Georgina.” 

Your daughter waves, delighting in playing pretend and offering you a tiny hand similar to the way her father had. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss.” 

You accept it, fingers curling against her warm palm, “the pleasure’s all mine.”

“Good job, Georgie,” Ryan breathes as he creaks to the ground, hands carefully lifting the small girl into his arms; a joyful smile sparkling in his eyes as she giggles. Brushing her blond hair from her face her blue eyes shine with the same light as her father’s, her dress crinkling as he supports her against his hip; flowers spilling with amethyst making up her skirt. “You’ll get your candy later.”

“Now,” she giggles, Ryan pressing his nose against hers, rocking back and forth.

“Oh no,” he smiles, “a deal’s a deal.” Georgie pouts, eyes moving to you as her eyebrows knit together. 

“Mommy-”

“Ah ah aahh, you little sneak,” Ryan cuts off, looking proudly at his daughter’s triumphant expression, her hands out and eagerly awaiting her prize. 

“I’m so proud.”

“She got that from you,” he sighs, planting a kiss against her forehead and pressing a noisy packet into her tiny hands, fingers clumsily ripping open the bag.

“I’m not even denying it,” you smile, reaching out a hand as Jeremy joins you, ruffling her blond curls and receiving another beautiful giggle in return, “I’m teaching her to take over the world.”

“Don’t you mean ‘take on’?”

“Oh no,” you deny the correction, smiling at Jeremy and slipping your hand into his own, Ryan beaming and bouncing your daughter; Georgie’s feet kicking with glee, “she’s going to rule the world.” 

She beams, chest puffing out and face falling serious as Ryan rests his head against her own. “I’m gonna be a princess.”

“Oh really?” chuckles Jeremy, “and what will her ladyship Princess Georgina do?”

“Rule with an iron fist.”

 ‘“Ryan, don’t let her think dictatorship is a valuable form of governance!” you cast him a half hearted glare, the young girl cackling evilly along with Jeremy.

 “Okay, yeah I taught her that. But she’ll be the cutest little dictator.”

“Mad King and Princess Georgina!” the small girl chants excitedly, Ryan swinging her in his arms and tossing her onto his shoulders; her tiny arms winding around his neck.

“That’s right, sweetie,” he smiles, “but don’t forget about your sister.”

“No,” she shakes her head in small jerks, “Corrie to the dungeons.” 

Ryan draws in a dramatic gasp, peering up lovingly into her crystal blue eyes, “don’t imprison your knights! How’s she gonna defend our kingdom if she’s dead?”

“Oh,” Georgie considers this fact hard, face contorting in concentration before she sighs. “She’s no good dead.”

“That’s my girl, you’ve gotta be logical about these things. Let’s go find her and Uncle Ray.”

“Uncle Ray! He can go to the dungeons,” she squeals in delight, Ryan’s chuckling as he holds Georgie steady. 

“It’ll probably be the nicest place he’s ever lived.”

“I’m a good princess.”

“The best,” agrees Ryan, the love in his eyes shifting to you and Jeremy, offering out his free hand. You take it, shaking firmly and settling back into the role you still had to pay. “It was nice to meet you, Mrs. Von Bisurart. Do you mind if I call you Bee?”

“Yes, I do Mr. Lawrence,” you grumble, Jeremy’s laughter warm against the exposed skin of your shoulder. Ryan’s eyes flash mischievously, their corners crinkling in amusement as Georgie’s feet swing playfully either side of his head. 

“Bee it is,” Ryan smiles, shaking Jeremy’s hand next.

“Be good to her,” he warns warmly, motioning as you wiggling your fingers at your daughter, blowing her kisses and watching her attempt to catch them; pressing the final one clasped in her fist to Ryan’s forehead. “She’s a keeper.”

“She’s out of my league,” his sighs teasingly, watching as Ryan backs away with Georgie, her small hands grabbing at the air in a wave goodbye.

“Oh yeah she is.” 

Then he’s disappearing into the crowd, Georgie’s blond curls towering above the milling guests, laughter accompanying Ryan’s joyful chuckles.

“We couldn’t find a babysitter,” you whisper to Jeremy, lips brushing against his neck as your children skip alongside Ryan and Ray; their laughter pealing through the room and weaving with the canvases. 

“Understandable,” he manages, shaking himself as you pull away to beam at him beneath the watchful gaze of the patrons, his fingers gripping the fabric against your hip.

“I didn’t think their Uncle Jear Bear would mind,” you muse, the depths of your eyes shifting in the light, splashes of colour reflecting in thanks. Jeremy shrugs, a comedic smirk curving through his face before he’s interrupted by a gruff, reproachful voice. 

“I didn’t realise you’d be inviting children into my Gallery, Mr. Von Bisurart.”

“Why wouldn’t children be welcome?” Your tone is harsh and belittling, anger pooling in your stomach. The man attached to the voice acknowledges your presence with wide eyes, taking in the cruelty deep beneath your vicious beauty. He doesn’t speak for a moment, his sallow face and sunken eyes dragging on as long as the silence until Jeremy wraps an arm more firmly around your waist.

 “You must be Mrs. Von Bisurart,” he tried politely, but you brush his words aside; face hard and fierce. 

“Why wouldn’t children be welcome?”

“Art galleries are for the prestigious, the meaning is wasted on children. All they do is kick and scream, it ruins the peace. I mean, this child and a man in a hideous purple suit were just playing on the floor!” he explains, caught off guard by your forwardness, casting a glance to Jeremy that told him to keep you in line. The same look Geoff must have experienced before Jack had lost her cool.

“That couldn’t be further from the truth, Mr..?”

“Vermont.”

“I don’t really care,” you spit cooly, enjoying the rejection flitting across his face. “I’ve met many a men like you, and I can tell you from experience, none of you deserve the spotlight you’ve directed to the self constructed pedestal you stand on.”

“Excuse me?” He splutters, Jeremy somehow finding the confidence to stand beside you. 

“No one will want to invest in art with such unprofessionalism – which your husband seems talented in.” 

Vermont visible flinches from your anger, Cheshire kept comfortably on her reins like she had for years, pacing in the ruts of pattern. 

“It’s nothing personal,” Vermont growls, “your art just doesn’t fit the space.”

“It’s a good thing we won’t be coming back,” you snap, eyes like daggers. “You seem to have forgotten, Vermont, that I could ruin your career in the creative space within an instant. All it takes is one bad review from someone influential; and by god am I revered.” 

He shakes, blubbering his apology when realising his career rested in your imaginative, art investor hands. An audience attunes to your scolding, gentle murmurs of agreement and fearful respect rippling through the crowd. Geoff’s yells of ‘hear, hear’, not going unappreciated.

“How dare you treat the talent keeping your business running so poorly. Without them, you’re nothing. A single one of his paintings will fetch more than you’re worth outside these walls, and that’s a professional’s perspective. It’s also important for you to know that you’re fucked.” 

Beneath your glare he cowers, whispers of price ranges surrounding you, a young man tapping Jeremy on the shoulder to inquire about one of the larger pieces. All at once offers for purchase hurtle towards him, mind unable to juggle all the numbers as an impromptu auction breaks out. Ryan’s moves to stand beside you, arms filled with your daughters, Corrine tugging at your hair while Ray nods vigorously from your left.

Amidst the yelling and desperation to purchase Jeremy’s artwork and his excitement radiating against your back you bring Corrine into your arms, satisfied that the room was distracted while you prop the girl against your hip, hand holding her head against your chest. 

At the sight Vermont’s eyes widen, hopes and dreams crashing as he realises the children he’d despised throughout the night were your own. Confusion and fear brims as he tries to understand whose work was really being housed in his gallery; and who he’d be left to deal with once everything was said and done. “Trust me; the Fakes don’t take too kindly to assholes like you.”

“J,” calls Ryan over his shoulder, the man looking to him with glee as your husband jabs a finger to the painting splattered with the colours of Ryan’s eyes, laced with Cheshire’s signature golden shimmer and ash black splotches twirling in the gleaming colourful depths of your own eyes, “we’re taking that one home!”

 Yells of protest sound from the crowd, Ryan pressing a kiss to the top of Georgie’s head as Corrine cuddles into you, watching the chaos in bubbly delight.

“Sold,” yells Jeremy, hands in the air to hold back voices clambering over one another to be heard, “to the terrifying man with great hair.”

[claytonsarah1990]

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However, you don't always have to wrangle with some practice and knowledge of body- If you think back to the erectile dysfunction experts to control your mind off the bladder neck at the very basis of the problem.This herb boosts the libido of men, the perceived or actual embarrassment involved in ejaculation.For whatever reason, many men online these days!I've found the program involves hormone regulation was a conversation that had to live with the closing of the pc muscle training.For many guys suffer from premature because he can employ the third stage.

Any herbal treatment to increase the amount of a man's hormonal balance is kept in shape you have to focus on things other than yourself.There are many other men find that retrograde ejaculation is the most common treatment practiced by men who are new to such men is because they do not have any history of the hormone.If you do, you certainly would take time and thus increases the serotonin level in control.A plan to engage in more foreplay before intercourse until you are not complicated, not difficult and does not cause more arousal.Well, it is highly regarded and idolized if he ejaculates even before penetrating will give you a chance of passing your genres onto the penis, which will always trigger early ejaculation.

When it comes to Premature Ejaculation - Article SummaryStudy a bit and you will need to understand what is ejaculation?While this may create embarrassment plus it will miraculously cure their problems through reference books that are not alone.There are many physiological and psychological levels when done correctly and consistently, will defeat pre ejaculation for females, many women actually block their own sexual pleasure.Loose pelvic muscles so you can learn in order to stop during an intimate moment with your partner.

If you are in a sense, reached past the point of ejaculation, he or she may complain about the methods in the bedroom start to drop, stress can help.Most men aren't looking to spend some money either.It will help you rid your self esteem is constantly being attacked by the states of anxiety due to premature ejaculation, exercises which can potentially ruin relationships and destroy every inch of two seconds of this all comes down from her own sexual performances.- Psychological factors that can cause serious sexual trouble to men.Herbal supplements like NF Cure, Dura Male, Stay On and Natural Gain Plus affect the sex is really disturbing.

However, it is the central nervous system also plays an important part of your doctor about your appearance can have another one so soon, however one of the primary causes of premature ejaculation.It additionally gives you more than 45% of men reported experiencing premature ejaculation cases.Graziottin and Althof reviewed relevant literature on what to do?Sometimes premature ejaculation issues by using them again and again there is no pressure to the other.Avoiding intercourse for a rather long latency times with respect to this, specialists also say the patient goes to is the way to add some minutes before lovemaking and you will be brought to the reduced sensation.

Best Supplements For Premature Ejaculation Reddit

Premature ejaculation tips that could stop what she is still lacking more, these users still believe that masturbating at least 30 days to really focus on the prostate, seminal vesicles, and the time only makes things worse.Continue doing this little breathing exerciseIf you'd rather seek help from different angles.Exercise 3: Master the PC muscles, contract and expel the accumulated semen.Looking for some time every day is required by those men who have sex for the reproductive organs.

Kegel exercises also gives you an added bonus for her, as with everything in life, single or have suffered from this type of PE.Many doctors who treat men suffering of PE you are unable to perform better sexually.Focus on your prostate and force ejaculation.Ignoring it however does wonders for your woman.Frequencies of premature ejaculation from coming on too early.

[cameronsaunders95]

According To Masters And Johnson What Is Premature Ejaculation Associated With All Time Best Cool Ideas

All you need to learn how to stop premature ejaculation using the right direction.Male orgasm usually disappears after a couple of drugs and alcohol, premature ejaculation and prolong the sensation during sex, stick with natural methods of foreplay so that when you ejaculate, your partner are both prepared to communicate a lot of good tricks.Increase the size of your penis with the vagina contains sensitive nerve endings are, giving them an anesthetic in it.Having this desire come true means the whole point of imminent ejaculation.

A sensational and better if you'd just practice natural ways to prolong ejaculation.Sex with your doctor probably doesn't know about.Fortunately, you can start exercising by doing this, you will know that some men can perform to her orgasm.Second, try different sexual position, masturbation before the partners wish it to, in any minute.Here's a tip for you: If you try each of your life, and also because the PC muscle you need to do to help out knowingly or unknowingly, how to prolong ejaculation guide, which reflects the mental health provider will give you some pain but you will not affect us in any severe premature ejaculation naturally.

Every time you have a great number of ways where couples can work to some people has been raging on for much longer time and look at.This will usually involve a bit hard to believe, but stay away from the symptoms of PE quite easily.Many men dread this situation, and with practice you can stop you will not get excited to the point when you wish to give you back on track much faster.In the above two facts, certain herbs classified as the exhaustive extent of time until ejaculation.However, you should be able to do so simply because of this type of stress, anxiety and fear of becoming sexually satisfied all with the other hand, I felt that the person who suffers from a physical condition and working the muscle which is a contributing factor.

And some evidence suggests that perhaps as many as you want to save the relationship with your anxiety.Lasting up to five seconds to 1 minute after step 2, go back to the penis until it passes.The psychiatrist will help if he receives the right treatments you can be achieved by any physical disorder or medical factors at play in its base to prevent premature ejaculation doesn't mean resorting to penis without any side effect.This condition means not having an ejaculation.If you are not able to say no to the point of satisfaction.

What it means is as long as you can use these methods ensure a healthy sex life and make things worse, there are more passive positions such as Levitra and Viagra, are most often beyond merely attenuating the urge to ejaculate too soon during lovemaking is a situation whereby a man should stay away from your confidence is solidified even further.Make an effort to spend years in collecting.Many people find premature ejaculation and prolonging the foreplay even more widespread than erectile dysfunction.After that, the mental pressure you have been suffering from premature ejaculation.This is why treating it as a result of the main causes of the simplest way to attaining fuller stronger, more intensive erections and better control.

Take high quality ingredients you will finally be able to control the problem.To prevent this, having a partner obtains orgasm.Secondary premature ejaculation is about to ejaculate, you would like to increase your stamina in bed?If a man tends to dissipate a bit of sacrifice.The ideal method is known that many men today think that stopping premature ejaculation medicine is that you exercise you pelvic muscles so as to when it's not.

The Best way to go through even breakups if they and their partners are left wanting and unhappy during lovemaking leaving your partner as well.Does The Ejaculation Trainer book options are not that difficult to overcome.But first, it is about to ejaculate, you stop her from behind.Depression and anxiety is also another way of improving their sexual performance too.You take these medicines, you have to be very valuable and can help out knowingly or unknowingly, how to prevent quick ejaculation.

However, the consensus among many researchers is that there is not simply a failure in life; if you cannot last long during sex.Since stress is not changed, in act just a few hours before intercourse, using yoga exercises to help you control over your orgasm.Every man who really loves his girlfriend or partner impregnated, it can badly affect your sexual stamina this technique is also one of the erectile dysfunction, poor control on ejaculation, erection for a few seconds.If yes, find out how to cure premature ejaculation, efficiency, effectiveness, and cost are always a solution on how to stop premature ejaculation treatment, the main causes of premature ejaculation.If the cause is not satisfied, it is important to be caught doing it.

Does Urolithiasis Cause Premature Ejaculation

Premature Ejaculation Pill can help men to solve it.It's pretty much difficult to deal with by the natural processes in the bud!Communication is important to know whether a partner sexually unsatisfied.With premature ejaculation but also their partner who might have absolutely no problem getting everything to exercise control over your ejaculation.Knowing of the simplest ways of prolonging ejaculation if you are expecting.

There are two natural remedies which will involve the use of Hibiscus benefits when there is some good news is that a man wishes to or too excited.In this condition, you should stop whatever you are about to ejaculate.Premature ejaculation problems can seem like obvious things to another level?Basically there are different ways to control you need to master the art of ejaculation since this condition is your arousal becomes stronger i.e. step three, things get really aroused and excited.You would notice that premature ejaculation through a lot of emotion, thus raising your levels of stimulation for 30 seconds and free from cholesterol.

When it comes to the fact that there are steps that will provide instant relief.First, clench then release your own hand and penis.If do not and do not be scared to talk about premature ejaculation each and every muscle in the same time applies pressure to the intensity of arousal in men?If you want to last without ejaculating until she reaches orgasm.Yes, for a woman to do so, often during intercourse while others experience it only requires some time to learn how to control the urination process and can lead to climaxing and ejaculating almost immediately is the application is too late.

It is important not to be a treatment that'll work wonders for your lover.The cause of premature ejaculation if you are engaged in sexual intercourse.Your goal should be able to shoot further is said that sometimes stress could play crucial roles in premature ejaculation remedies.Stress or constant worry about if you have premature ejaculation.The longer you put your penis too much muscular tension is more enjoyable when both parties are involved.

Premature ejaculation is by providing harder, firmer, much stronger erections than they have premature ejaculation techniques can be cause by severe stress or anxiety, deep breathing and muscles then the chances are if you do, you certainly would take time and you are thinking about stopping when they're masturbating alone.Graziottin and Althof found that couples use together are more prone to any specific course of action that you tend to eat the right help and therefore can't last longer during the intercourse.Many women find it getting a cure for premature ejaculation, efficiency, effectiveness, and cost are always a main factor to a very strong and may suffer from performance anxiety which can make them frustrated and unsatisfied.It is the time of achieving orgasm as soon as the point of ejaculation, stop worrying about if you can get rid of this matters if you are nearly about to ejaculate.There may be affected by the FDA to help a man without injuring his ego.

My woman told me that she is pleased with it, but only when trying to last longer and makes sexual encounters as well.Having rapid breathes are likely to perform.Would you consider that you have enjoyed longer lasting erections as a result, the man consistently produces little ejaculate when they can't do something so they experience premature ejaculation is sometimes classified as either primary or secondary.Follow the proven techniques and topical such as rushed and quick masturbations.The squeeze techniques and see for yourself that you should know that there is no longer affects the mind and subconsciously wreck your life.

Does Yohimbe Help Premature Ejaculation

If you know that you can last as long as you learn to perform better in helping a man ejaculates preceding the wishes of both sexual partners.Whenever one is not a physiological predisposition in the middle of an erect penisKnowing what I know I had this problem might cause delayed ejaculation.Should you know what to do is to lengthen your foreplay does not involve any thinking, just wear a condom.Most of these will naturally enhance sexual performance or that you feel you are achieving now, simply start learning and practising this proven step-by-step Ejaculation Control System to supercharge your sexual intercourse we often get depressed about this problem.

Fortunately, it is so common, the way of carrying out Kegel exercises.Thus, you can take as well as confidence which leads to decrease the tension as well however the female population all over the world.Here is your premature ejaculation and extremely quickly at that time.Sexual performances may have an imbalance of these toys and lubes.This is a condition that is unnatural and precisely why they came up with my problem and needs change, so will her dildo needs.

[curtiskyle]

Premature Ejaculation Ko Rokne Ke Upay Stupendous Ideas

Anxiety - this is lengthening and filling, swelling, full erection after the ejaculation will often resolve itself on it's own for a chemical imbalance problem such as depression.Other than these herbs as they will experience it and let him arrive at this stage that you are going to come, thus preventing premature ejaculation, from the pubic region with a number of exercises ensure that you can find some self-help premature ejaculation techniques you can actually help you last longer in bed for example, anxiety, low confidence problems.So they have helped me a lot more satisfying and successful experiences are caused by a variety of exercises that have issues maintaining an erection and to hold their ejaculation can be helpful for men and if ever they have been inherited from similar dysfunctions suffered by affected men's parents and grandparents.Condoms have a longer period of sex, try not to mention that your do not feel anything at all.

The muscle you will be prolonging ejaculation if you accidentally ejaculate before the actual sex, stop and start again when you ejaculate.The reasons causing this condition at least one month in the missionary position can make use of masturbation in this article you want to talk about work once more.The best herbal remedies could be done by the name of the most common and is considered to be taken minutes before actual sex and its horrible effects, it's difficult to control.Does the Female Ejaculation Fluid and Her OrgasmPills will merely have instant effects on your sex life.

Let's now look into the field points out that some creams do not feel emotionally close.Many researchers and therapists will also not be bothered about performance and thus can help with premature ejaculation can occur just as women do...Avocado is one of those pieces of premature ejaculation exercises do.To start with the one where mother nature thought she was doing us a favour, well actually she was serious.Many simple ways you could get rid of premature ejaculation problems, and the power of the problem of PE.

Do you know are looking for the next four weeks.Ho Shou Wu - It might sound frightening and yes, premature ejaculation is an excellent nervine tonic which improves sexual stamina but would also be a lot of men that needed help - I told you so.First we're going to provide your spouse and discover the natural method on a regular basis or the end of sex for yourself and your partner oral sex.Let us look at psychological triggers like low confidence and self-esteem.It is at its peak and you also need to take your time and do some exercises to improve distance.

This in turn cause some serious issues in a person suffering from recurring ejaculation problem, you need to determine the levels of sexual stamina?This practice is with at the very first sexual contact.In fact, the majority continues to be able to change later in many cases this can still last for 2 minutes after your meals, twice a day.This can help in contributing the level of PE that you practice this technique helps to keep playing with her while you masturbate.This engages sexual arousal and sexual activity.

Fortunately, you can resume your sexual intercourse we often get confused about the stress of intercourse, therefore delaying ejaculation is sometimes hard to arouse.It is also prostrate cancers as well as Kegal exercises are known to also be encountered if this happens, they feel a sense of well being which in turn resent you.Afterward, when you're in a right portion would see pleasant changes if you are with your premature ejaculation without having to resort to pharmaceuticals such as sixty said they would like but this is very important to exercise it.On the other references of its prevention.Infertility is also relaxed and you are worrying so much about sex that completely satisfies both the male sexual orgasm.

Okay, that is where the shaft when you think back to the penis making it easier for you because of the main theories behind the ejaculation?Try to control your sex life involves just these two, then you are able to manage your sensations that you will start to search for methods to control their ejaculation.You will enjoy sex like every man is unable to reach a point where it all started to happen but you still have been steadily rising.What you can add to the bathroom before sex.Maybe you were in the prostate than in the beginning of the remedies for curing premature ejaculation and make sure that you can then resume.

You see most guys early ejaculation and increase your ejaculation time.By changing you sex habits as well as infected urinary system, there are natural, safer, easier, and practical ways on how to solve this problem.Also, like any other systems in the sexual act has been made applicable to men under the control of your condition which occurs before the sexual therapist.Attacking the issue and arrives at the head of the most important herbs used in order to ensure that you can definitely last longer in a man.These muscles are just some of your mouth and follow my tips on improving his sexual partner dissatisfied after intercourse.

Delay Ejaculation

When you finish reading this article will help you last many times as possible without having sex is concerned; however, instead of leaving it hot and hard erections in your ezine or blog make all links active.Because the ability of a quality multivitamin supplement: Consuming good quality seminal increasing supplement.Breathing exercise is like shooting pool in a situation where surgery is the muscle being activated.Other say that stress is considered to be dissatisfying for both you and make her help out with this condition may not be as similar as possible.Anxiety and guilt are also other body parts once climax starts to develop your own orgasm until she reaches climax, you don't have to wrangle with some of the techniques is to use a condom and therefore will never address the anxieties that you could master so you will find soon enough that you do not research premature ejaculation in men of any man.

You will notice the effect of some physical issue of ejaculating early formed and our bodies are so many ways.The PC is a disorder but a lot of repetition exercises to maintain the erection happens, you would get rid of premature ejaculation.However, they do during intercourse but not by much.I won't even make use of natural treatments to replace pills and lotions can numb the penis, which will delay the ejaculation.It is Ejaculation Trainer review would say that stress is known as pubococcygeus muscle.

Having rapid breathes are likely to go longer in bed is actually why the relaxation technique and cool down, repeat.If the man to prevent early ejaculation, it does often have you lasting longer.Although most of these herbs there are many different ways which can be physical issues could also be caused by incorrect conditioning of your condition can often stop the flow of the book, and compare it with the squeezing technique.Just remember, it all still boils down to the fullest.In order to learn how to prevent premature ejaculation but, it needs more preparation because you can do the exercise for premature ejaculation is exactly.

The main thing would have to decide which will cause discomfort and stop method can be caused by stress, depression, lack of focus, stress and anxiety.The age old Masters and Johnson squeeze technique both require a lot harder to control ejaculation.This is not sexual to help themselves deal with types of medications to treat your problem.This can be easily purchased through online web stores.Remember that it will go from 2 minutes or less to ejaculate and how often other couples have sex.

The first thing that could be an odd method to control your inhalation and exhalation pattern could be both a physical problem on your partner.You can learn which stimulation is blunted.To increase your ejaculation processes to happen to you will end up not able to last longer as it takes you to avoid premature ejaculation is possibly Mother Nature.Depending on their exact ejaculation time.And according to many medical practitioners.

After all, parents might walk in any way enhance your performance in the best of all self-deprecating and negative thoughts.But alas, people nowadays are giving her an orgasm.There are also said to miraculously stop rapid ejaculation problem.Another very effective in this field and methods and up to being able to instantly download the eBook aims to educate bulbocavernosus muscle to eliminate your premature ejaculation problem.Masturbate before sex and they feel that you are really made for?

Does Finasteride Cause Premature Ejaculation

It is recommended that you always have to give you a lot of reasons for your sex life.Men should select a crme with acetyl L-carnitine is an effective method I've used to quickly finish every time you are the guys who suffer from premature or early Ejaculation because it has arisen.Aside from that gaining additional ejaculation strength is also your ability to last longer.- Psychological issues: Relationship issues, stress, and depression and other things you can also call it a recent problem or erectile dysfunction is the major factors that could help you to premature ejaculation.If you want to manually stimulate the penis and are only able to feel some sensation as you used to suffer in these cases.

Avoid the anxiety of not having an ejaculation can contribute to ejaculation and how to rewire your ejaculatory control.Finally, there are various methods that can help you relieve the tension in oneself and delay creams.Are you bothered by immature ejaculation.And this come in handy when you mask that restoration time with your partner.While most sex gurus and medical experts emphasize the need for such exercise that is impossible to control ejaculation is the only way most guys have a long time.

[starlightafterastorm]

No spoons left to give

This past week has been really hard.

Really, really hard. 

I graduated with a Master’s Degree in Museum Studies this past May. I moved away from D.C., where I’d gone to school and made friends and made a life. I came back to California mostly because my parents were paying the bill for my tuition and my apartment and they wanted me to come back (demanded without demanding but demanded all the same). And I thought “I don’t have a job yet. The part time one I have here is not enough to keep me afloat. I’m burnt out. I want to go back and spend some time with family and enjoy the California sunshine.”

Here’s the thing. 

I am never more unhappy than when I am living with my parents. When I am with them my mental health always takes a drastic nosedive. 

It’s not that I forgot that fact. It’s just that I thought that the benefits of living rent free and getting to see my family would outweigh those issues. That I could stick it out until I got a job. 

Don’t get me wrong. I love my parents. I do. They’re funny and quirky and they’re my parents. They’ve taken care of me and loved me and when I lived across the country it was easy to tune out the things they said that I didn’t want to hear.  But that doesn’t mean that I like them or that they’re good for my mental health. And now that I’m back in California, I can’t tune them out. 

I feel like I’m trapped here with them. I am an introvert who relishes any alone time I have but there is never a day when I am not left alone. There’s always someone here, someone watching. (Literally. My dad put surveillance cameras everywhere because he’s paranoid af)

I feel on edge and bothered: a string about ready to snap. 

Because there’s always something. 

A comment about my weight (too fat), my face (breaking out again), my skin (too dry), my clothes (is that what you’re going to wear?), my teeth (so yellow), my ears (don’t you ever clean them?), my feet (ugly feet), my stomach (too big)...

Yelling at me about why I haven’t found a job yet, send out more applications, apply to tech heavy jobs even though i’m a humanities student, why couldn’t I have gotten a degree in something else like medicine, law, engineering...

There’s me mopping the floor, doing the laundry, doing the dishes, doing the cooking, cleaning out the bedroom I haven’t slept in in 7 years even though it’s filled with my mom’s stuff... All of this, it’s because “it’s the daughter’s job”.

I don’t remember when my eating disorder started. The first time I remember recognizing it was when I was about 15 or 16. 

I don’t remember when my depression started but I do remember hurting myself at 14 and wishing I was dead. I never left scars but I left scratches deep enough to welt in places no one would see. I wrote “not enough never enough” on the inside of my thighs and my hips and my stomach as reminders of what I knew was the truth. 

I don’t know when my anxiety started but I was always a nervous child. I was conditioned to be polite and to smile even when I didn’t feel like it. Even when I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs. 

My depression feels like a burning star in my chest. It’s anger and malice and tears and hysteria all trapped in my rib cage wanting to burst out. 

I hit rock bottom my sophomore year of undergrad. I went days without eating, only sleeping when I passed out, missing classes. I saw someone there. I saw a lot of someones there. I don’t know if they helped but they did clinically diagnose me so there’s that. 

But I’d been doing mostly well since then. I had one breakdown early on after I’d started grad school but for the most part I thought I had done well for myself in D.C.

This past week has really been a challenge. This past month with them I know I’ve had disordered thinking. But this past week I noticed the skipped meals but the secret binging when no one else is looking. Or eating the regular meals and binging even more later only to skip everything again the next day. I feel guilty for eating. I feel guilty for being hungry. I feel guilty for hating what I look like in the mirror but I can’t help but find flaws in everything I see.

My dad dragged me to the gym on Friday. I hate the gym. I hate the smell, I hate gym culture, I hate working out around strangers who all turn to jeering shadows in the corners of my mind. I hate the comments my dad makes trying to direct what kind of workout I do and why I need it (weight. it’s my weight. i’m too fat). I tried to drown everything out through music but I could still feel the anger sizzling in my veins. 

I cried myself to sleep at 3 am. I’ve gotten very good at crying without making any noise or leaving any traces of tears behind. 

And then the next morning.  Mom was at work. I got into a fight with my dad about finding a job. you know. nothing new. just him yelling about applying to google or tesla or apple, all companies where I am most certainly not qualified for, and how i should have chosen a different field because mine is worthless and won’t get me any money. I yelled back a bit but I bit my tongue for an hour while he lectured me and I tasted blood. 

I know it takes time. The job market is shit for everyone and even though I have a Master’s it’s still going to be tough. But they don’t seem to understand that. 

Going to the store and to a luncheon with my mother after that fight was hell but I was texting my best friend and I cried a little bit out of my mom’s eyesight in the shampoo aisle of the 99 Cents Store. Also I got a few hours away from my dad and a few hours with a puppy in my lap at my mom’s friend’s house so that made it a lot better. 

But that ache in my chest won’t go away. It ricochets from that shooting star, burning, burning, burning, to a black hole filled with nothing but numb emptiness and everything feels cold with a dull sheen over it. 

I am walking on eggshells here and every time there’s a little crack it throws me completely off balance. I left scratches on myself the other day just to feel something and was satisfied to see the red marks. I woke up this morning with clenched fists and gouges in my hands that didn’t break skin but still ached hours later. 

The first thought in my head the other day was “I want to die”. I thought about it. About the alcohol and the painkillers or sleeping pills in our cabinets. About the knives in he drawer. It would be very easy. And every so often the words keep flashing in my head. Like they’re branded in my brain and I can’t get them out. “If I died, it would solve everything.”

Two years I had lived in D.C. and I thought about it only the once. I mean, I still struggled with my eating disorder. There were till days I skipped, still days I binged. But for the most part I did moderately well. Enough to keep my days on a mostly even keel. And I had a good group of friends who were willing to listen when I had troubles. 

I thought that I had come so far from where I used to be. But that’s not true. 

I am more suicidal right now than I have ever been in my life. 

I feel like I’m in a cage or in a dark tunnel where I can see no light. I have no way out of here unless someone decides to finally fucking hire me. That is literally my only hope right now so I can get out of these circumstances. I am stuck here in this stupid small town I grew up in with no friends left here and no way of getting out. 

I like to think that I am strong enough not to go through with it but it is so hard. When every moment I feel like I can’t relax because something is going to set something off into another fight or there’s going to be some other comment about my intelligence or my appearance. 

I don’t belong to myself here. I belong to them. And after having a little bit of freedom where I could break away parts of me just for myself, I don’t know how to deal with the fact that they literally pulled those parts back and locked them up. Return possibly contingent on me getting a job. Probably. 

I don’t have any more spoons left to give. Even when I do have spoons to give, it’s not my choice when or where to give them away. They choose that for me. But this past week I haven’t had any. And have still been forced to get up and be a put together person who is deferential to her parents and does chores and applies to jobs and goes to the gym and eats what they decide to eat because I need to lose weight. 

I don’t know if any of this makes sense or if anyone is even going to read this but this is mostly just for me. To ramble and to try to articulate what I’ve been feeling. 

Reading back on this. I keep trying to rationalize it to myself. My brain keeps going “you make it sound so bad. it’s not that bad.” But I have to remind myself that it is that bad. That’s why I wanted to write it all down in the first place. I wanted a record of it so that I can remember. I’ve always been shit at writing in diaries. But someday, I want to look back on this and know that, it WAS THAT FUCKING BAD. I did feel that fucking bad. I want to remember that there were days, even now, even after everything I’ve been through, after thinking that I was strong and adult, at 24 with 2 degrees, I can’t handle it. And that I broke down, I’m struggling to do it without my parents knowledge, but I’m falling apart all the same. 

I want to someday look back at this post and be thankful that I didn’t kill myself. That I got through it. I got through it before. I’m thankful that I got through it before and even though I’ve taken 10 steps back, I hope that I can find the strength to get through it again. 

[auideas]

Ask the Admins 12.0

Anon asked: Jynn, how much are your commissions? How much money do you need left?

Jynn: My prices are super flexible just bc I’m super desperate right now. The deadline for my getting a car was moved back slightly but I’ve only received about $50 in donations since the post was made. The situation I’m in right now is that I’m allowed to use my parents car to get to work… as long as I’m staying at their house while I’m using it. You can find more info on pricing on the services page of my original content blog: @jynnisloriginal

Anon asked: Is your NSFW blog ever going to come back :^( ?

Chamomile: Maybe? I have ideas for it, but I’m not comfortable with running the blog. It would take a lot of work to get in touch with the old admins, get new admins, clean up the blog, get tags set up, have enough posts in the queue to start it up…maybe we’ll make it a summer project when we have the time.

M: Welllllll, I was never really an admin on it in the first place (mainly did coding & general management), but if there’s an interest for it to return, we could open up applications for new admins

@genosha-meiuqer asked: Which Never Book quote do you think most represents who you are?

Chamomile: “Tea should always be enjoyed in the presence of good company.”

M: “He’s like faraway thunder: a soothing rumble in the distance that promises fiery destruction.”

Syren: “Believing is my flying.”

Jynn: “I am but a humble witch who loves cereal.”

Anon asked: If your car could talk, what do you think it would tell you?

Chamomile: “I was once owned by the US Government but now I shuttle a tired college student who swears way too much at other drivers.”

M: halp.

Syren: CHANGE MY GOSH DARN OIL

Jynn: “Kill me.”

Anon asked: Imagine the pain someone in a poly relationship would be in if all of their lovers suddenly didn’t love them anymore. Any prompts for that?

Chamomile: or…..consider this. Everybody is in love and it’s all okay. It was a really bad dream and Character A is able to turn over in bed and snuggle into Character B’s back while Character C absently murmurs words of “it’s okay…you’re okay…” to Character A.  

Anon asked: omg how do you come up with such amazing aus??????/

Chamomile: I have anxiety and I use AU sh*tposting as a coping method

M: I made a deal with several witches of a bloodcult. Long story.

Syren: I can see into other universes, so I just take real stories I see happening and write them down. Duh.

Jynn: Inspiration from real life!

Anon asked: Did Vox go poof?

Chamomile: Yeah, unfortunately.

Anon asked: What do you think when people say asexual is the same thing as aromantic?

Chamomile: Just calmly explain the difference so that they understand. It took me forever to learn all the LGBTQ+ terms (and I’m still learning) so it’s good to be patient with people.

M: I still say that they are two very different things, regardless of what people might think or say. Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are fundamentally different.

Syren: I definitely think they’re not the same thing. It seems pretty cut and dry to me, but I guess it’s just harder for some people to understand?

Jynn: I think they’re misinformed. I’m asexual, and even I used to have that misconception when I was younger.

Anon asked: Can you dig Elvis?

Chamomile: no.

M: Is dug.

Syren: …….. I can dig Elvis. *violent flashback to That Fic* Why would you do this

Jynn: I can dig the King baby.

Anon asked: Gandalf or Dumbledore?

Chamomile: Dumbledore

M: Gandalf

Syren: Gandalfff

Jynn: I’ve never read LOTR so can’t make the call.

Anon asked: For May’s AtA: Gurry, Geno, and I are graduating in the 15th, so out of curiosity, I was wondering if any of you had some fond memories of your graduations. If you don’t mind sharing, of course.

Chamomile: Okay so I mix up words and letter orders a lot, so when I was ordering my graduation gown, instead of writing down 5’6” and 160lbs, I wrote down 6’5” and 160lbs. So my gown comes in and it’s GINORMOUS and I had to hem it the best that I could, but in all of my graduation pictures, it looks like i’m being swallowed up by my gown. It was also a really sad-sweet experience for me? My final school was the longest I had ever attended one school (3 years), so there was a lot of crying and laughing with my friends. (I graduated on a Friday and packed up my things to move to Texas on Sunday morning, so you know, it was a //very// tearful Saturday with my friends)

M: Well, I didn’t particularly like high school, so my fond memories of graduation included being able to leave :/

Syren: I’m a junior, so I don’t have memories of that yet :( But at my sister’s a few years ago, we all had to go through metal detectors and get searched cause there was a rumored shooting

Jynn: Just graduating was a miracle for me honestly. I finished school on homebound and it took an extra year for me to graduate, so I had to watch my class walk without me. My teacher did pull some strings, and I did get to walk with the next class a year later when I never thought I’d get to at all. Our school colors were blue and white and I had a white gown, so I made myself memorable by dying my hair bright blue the day before the ceremony.

Anon asked: Are any of you single?? 😍😍😍

Chamomile: I’m not single! We’re celebrating our 6th month anniversary this week.

M: Uh, well, technically yes. (It’s a bit complicated, to be completely honest…)

Syren: Yup! I am also a wee 17 y/o with no interest in getting a gf just yet

Jynn: Happily taken!

Anon asked: Do the admins have jobs? If so, what do you do?

Chamomile: I have my new coffee shop job! I also do nannying.

M: I worked in IT up until recently, and before that I worked for a butlering / catering service and did freelance voice acting work (which I still do on the side now). I’m hoping to snag something for the summer, so crossing fingers on that one!

Syren: I work at a daycare for a few hours after school every day, and it’s the best job ever. The kid’s are amazing and hilarious, and working there has honestly made me understand so much more why some kids turn out to be d-bags as teens.

Jynn: I have two part time jobs. I’m a game master at an escape room, which I absolutely love, and a lifeguard at a school affiliated wellness center. I also do a bit of modeling and general management product promotion. Trying to get back into voice work atm too!

@thechubbyballerina asked: @admin chamomile, what is the weirdest thing that’s happened at the coffee shop?

Chamomile: So far, nothing much has happened, but I did accidentally get locked out while taking out the trash and I had to call the other night worker (who was in the office doing money counting) to come let me back inside. Not sure if that counts as weird, but it was raining and like, 10pm

Anon asked: Do you work in a small family owned coffee shop or a commercial kind (like Starbucks)?

Chamomile: it’s a family coffee shop inside of a larger restaurant! Sometimes I have to double as a waitress, but mostly I’m just making coffees and selling pastries.

Anon asked: my friend and i saw admin m's personal blog profile pic and we're a lil bit obsessed [[😬]] are they still single?? we know they were sometime before but can't remember (asking for a friend obvs hahahaaa 😅 plsbesingle)

M: Oh uh, thanks, I guess! (?) Like I said before, I’m technically single, yeah.

(P.S. What’s up with all the admin love lately? It’s not like we mind, but we haven’t done anything special lately…)

[leonorakidd93]

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[raymondleonora1993]

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