#explaining everything she feels and why

[normalgirlatron]

i love complaining so here’s my complaint of the day! people who watch horror movies and their only takeaway, when prompted by somebody analyzing/understanding part of the film, is “well it didn’t have to result in murder/they didn’t have to do that/that scary thing was unnecessary” are SO fucking annoying. you watched the horrifying movie full of dramatized realities and thought the horrifying things were unnecessary? why even bother with horror at all. go home and turn on gilmore girls and titanic you’ll be alright. those will be easy for you to digest since clearly you can’t think deeply about anything that isn’t completely down to earth and rational

[fumifooms]

Falin who cares too much and too little - analysis

Been stewing on Falin thoughts for a while, I know I have an interpetation on her that differs from many but I’m jumping into the fray. I think there’s a lot to be said about what we do see of Falin. This shorter Falin analysis I made is heavily encouraged prior reading. This analysis mainly explores her complex relationship with caring and so it’s sort of structured in two halves, with Faligon at the crux of it all.

Falin cares too little :

A lot of people assign Falin a people pleasing mindset and I… Don’t agree. We never see her care at all about people in her town or at the academy not liking her.

We do see her worrying about what people think of her… ONCE. And Laios comforted her, told her they didn’t matter and she should be proud of herself. She latched onto that hard. That’s why this scene was so important to be included during the dragon fight, relationship-defining; it’s always been them against the world. She grew to not care what others thought, to only focus on her close loved ones. No one else matters.

Laios’ words were her world. Her older brother who taught her how to feel comfortable with herself, who told her, you’re great, others are the ones in the wrong to not see that, I’ll always be with you, always be there for you. Older brother who always made great plans, who always knew more, who was better at wrestling to name the dogs, who she has always idolized. Laios who always spoke of traveling the world, to which she always said she wanted to follow. And she would, she’d follow him even if it meant leaving the academy and all she knew behind, she’d follow him to the ends of the world, and that’s what she did.

She didn’t care about showing to her classes or keeping up such appearances, she doesn’t even think of toning down her jumping into bushes when Marcille recoils, etc. She acts like an obedient pawn often, to her parent’s directives and then following Laios around no matter what he decides to do, but I don’t think the motivation is people pleasing, rather it’s being with & caring for her loved ones, and her go-with-the-flow attitude enhances the impression. Not that it’s as simple as that, mind you, but let’s talk about this for now.

Falin is perceived as selfless because we, the audience, have our perspectives revolving around the main people in her life (Laios, Marcille). They’re the ones she’s devoted to and people who care about her back a lot too, but to people like her classmates or the towspeople she probably must have seemed like someone who didn’t care about the people around her or her surroundings a lot, who just went on alone and did her own thing.

What matters to Falin? From what place does her kindness come from? Is a part of her keeping up appearances? And I think that’s the point, the horror of Faligon as well, that we can’t tell just how in control Falin the person is as the chimera (because we are shown that she’s in there, we just don’t know at what degree), that we don’t know her enough to be able to tell when she’s at her most genuine, her most raw. That even if you do settle on none of her being present as Faligon, we have to at least consider it, consider that she may be able to do something like this and have a part in it, brutal and uncaring. That even the lenses we see her through, the people who love her, may be unreliable.

And this is what’s very interesting about her too, she truly is so idealized by people around her as a saint. She’s so good and kind and caring to everyone etc etc etc. Laios, Toshiro and Marcille all see her as the paragon of goodness in the world. More cynical characters like Namari and Chilchuck have more layered opinions on her, the latter finding her somewhat unnerving because he can’t read her well. But then with that one flashback scene we see that… Her priorities are intensely focused on Laios and Marcille, she doesn’t care all that deeply about anyone other than them (+ maybe her parents). The rest of the party is in the same danger here but only Laios and Marcille who she’s speaking to get the special ,ention, and if they don’t cross her mind then of course she’d be ready to sacrifice strangers through a risky teleportation. That doesn’t make her not kind or caring!! Just that greater good isn’t exactly her priority. Any means is alright if the end result is her loved ones safe, it usually takes the form of healing and caring, but we see she’s ready to fight and make dangerous calls too. To me there’s this aspect to her that she isn’t as pure and magnanimous as everyone thinks she is, both in-world and interestingly enough meta wise as well, and there’s something interesting to that.

People pleasing implies a need to be liked, needs for the motivation to be that. A yes-man, etc. But if we analyze Falin, her general kind, smiling demeanor is more a matter of passivity I yhonk. Conflict avoidance is easier, so she’s friendly and hopefully things’ll be smooth sailing. It’s easy to be kind to classmates even if they act wary and rude if you don’t care about what they think either way. Of course she prefers good things happening to people over bad things, she is genuinely kind, but I think people tend to assign her a very grand altruistic way of life when to her the motivation is pretty self-centered. She doesn’t do what she does because she loves them, but because she loves them.

One situation that’s interesting to dig into for her way of thinking, and what I’m trying to get at, is Shuro’s proposal to her. I’ve seen people saying she hesitated because she didn’t feel comfortable saying no even though she wanted to, "I can’t say no, I don’t want to hurt him", something that sounds sensible and familiar, but it’s actually canon in the Adventurer’s Bible that the reverse was the case, that she didn’t feel comfortable saying yes. Because the offer was tempting, but it’d have been a loveless agreement on her end. And it makes sense she’d want to say yes too, like we see with the Toudens, marriage is very much a political strategical economical thing in their village, there’s even a bit on it on Laios’ Adventurer’s Bible profile about dowries, and both siblings were engaged very early. They lived poorly for a long time, it’s an enticing idea to marry rich, to have not only yours but your brother’s needs met forevermore easily, which at one point in their careers was their main worry and goal. Why shouldn’t she accept a life of leisure and wealth handed to her by a lovely friend?

So her hesitance was "yeah that’s convenient for me, but where it’s everything to him and heartfelt I’m able to be detached because I don’t care about it that much… Can I do that? I’m not reciprocating, not saying yes in the way that matters. Can I do that to him?" Very caring even though it’s not what you’d expect, isn’t it?

And central to my analysis, where I’m going with this is, I feel like that’s the thing with her character, that she doesn’t feel as strongly as she "should" sometimes, or feels a different way than she "should", or at least that she feels that way and others say she does. She didn’t mind suddenly leaving the academy, leaving Marcille behind and not seeing her for 4 years. She acted like it was no big deal that she sacrificed herself after getting resurrected after the red dragon fight. And in both those cases it upset the people around her greatly that she didn’t seem to get why it was such a big deal, didn’t seem to care about how they’d experienced her choices.

So it’s a tendency… And it’s not that she doesn’t care, it’s just that the way she measures what’s good for the ones she loves isn’t the same as what they themselves think it is (like Laios and Marcille not wanting to be apart from her). It’s an overt but quiet kind of care, it’s doing things like following them around and making sure they bathe and have a meal, even if that means she has to be dragged into misery too.

So yes she probably would know "not caring enough/the right way" is one of her perceived flaws, and that informs how she tries to handle her response to Shuro’s proposal. Her not wanting to accept like her first gut instinct, is because she’s thinking about reciprocity, about if it’d be right to go into this knowing that they have different priorities and she might not be able to keep up with the type and amount of emotions he wants/expects from her. And that’s a big part of her character isn’t it, having expectations pushed onto her. Her trying her best, but in her own way that may seem odd or even unfeeling. Not unlike when she exorcised the ghost as a kid too, unblinking and matter-of-factly, and not seeming to understand why people stared the way they did.

Even though she answered his proposal only post-canon, she’d been pondering it for a while even pre-canon and the Adventurer’s Bible explanation was released midstory, so I’m hesitant to assign her much growth about her hesitation and what I went on above, since she still didn’t react "right" with Laios after the red dragon fight (even if she apparently doesn’t remember sacrificing herself) and put herself in that situation in the first place. She hasn’t finished her arc on that flaw of hers is what I’m saying, she for sure still has it, but I certainly think her thoughts on Shuro’s proposal shows awareness, both of herself and social.

And awareness is a big analysis key word with Falin, especially here it can be hard not to conflate not caring with not knowing. How socially aware is she? It’s rather layered, because canonically she wasn’t aware of her ostracization in her hometown at all, and we’re not sure if she knew Shuro was interested in her before he proposed, but she generally seems more socially aware than Laios. She tags along on his caravan job to make sure he isn’t being mistreated (though doesn’t ask he get a salary), she catches social faux-pas more easily like in the genderbend magic mirror omake with Shuro, and interestingly enough she’s very good at empathizing with her parents and understanding their perspective. We see when she’s worried about Marcille coming that she does know about propriety and how appearances shape impressions. Being a chief’s daughter must at least have taught her a thing or two on that front.

She never stands up for herself, but when it comes to defending others she worries, strategizes and explains.

And this sort of understanding is part of why I think she’d notice the expectations pushed onto her like I was saying earlier, notice how she makes people feel when she’s careless. But if she changes anything about herself in response to noticing is for her to choose, and generally I think it’s a sort of inbetween of yes and no: that she becomes more complacent but also more reserved, complying but by hiding more of herself passively. She’s not sure wether to accept or reject Shuro’s proposal, doesn’t want to lead him on? She’ll just be taking a while to silently consider it, try to keep things as they are for the time being. The third, less conflicting option. She doesn’t feel heard by Marcille who keeps infantilizing her? Just bear with it. Retract yourself emotionally. Settle for it.

We see that when she was young she had a tendency to not read a room, and I think that’s here too. She doesn’t get why her nonchalance upset others but that doesn’t change that she doesn’t want them upset or hurt, so she tries, albeit in maybe a roundabout way. She always had a hard time deeply connecting with people, often keeping herself some amount of emotionally distant: erasing herself from the equation, from the two-way trade that relationships are and making it a onesided thing instead, where all their needs and emotions are directed towards her but she only lets out a bit of her own show. She takes everything upon her and deals with it and tries not to give others this same burden, though not on a conscious level, it’s just that she’s learned growing up that she doesn’t have much agency.

Like I went into with my analysis linked at the beginning, I think Falin is used to just taking what she can get and not asking for more, when it comes to social bonds. She’ll take spending time with her mother no matter what it is they do, she’ll follow Laios to the graveyards and stick by him even when he’s pushing her away (because he doesn’t want her borrowing his book or "No copying!" or such). Her father was always distant, cold and uncommunicative, her mother was considered sick from anxiety and the exorcism attempts were the main way they spent time together, at dinner tables there were only her and Laios. The dogs picked on her too even if she loved them— And so did the townspeople, maybe that being normal to her at home is why she didn’t notice the ostracization she suffered.

She’s always been the last to be asked about decisions or what she wants, never asked to play with at recess, neither her father or Laios asked before sending her to the academy or leaving the village. At home, in the hierarchy she was considered to be below the dogs by the dogs themselves, as someone they can disrespect. Dogs learn from example and behavior, so this means Falin must have been pushed around a lot, and that the family didn’t try hard to rectify the dogs’ misconception, likely worsened by Laios regularly wrestling with her as a competition.

So for example when Falin showed Marcille food, it was her way to implicitly ask to have lunch with her without voicing that question, without daring to take up space. Someone’s presence isn’t something you ask for, it’s something that’s bestowed upon you, you can follow them around but you can’t ask them to stay or to come with.

She’s used to her needs and wants not being listened to, so she’s learned to have less wants. Caring less about herself, caring less about other people beyond her safe zone, was a defense mechanism in part. She has a sense of learned helplessness too, like how when Marcille came to take her away from Laios, even though she didn’t want to leave with Marcille it felt so determined and unshakable to her that whatever Marcille decided Falin would have to comply with.

And still, it’s the "marrying you would be awfully convenient if it wasn’t that I’d feel guilty for not loving you back, the way you wanted me to when you proposed to me" and the "I don’t regret leaving the academy and leaving you behind without goodbyes but I’m sorry that you’re so much more upset about it than me". It’s the guilt of not loving people back the way they want to be, with the same intensity or fervor.

It’s the autism it’s the aroace of it all, it’s the emotional stunting and confusion but the pit in your stomach telling you you did something wrong again. The no object permanence even for people you love even for 4 years, it’s the feeling like you’re somehow at fault for someone having fallen for you and not knowing what to do with any of it. I’m not joking btw it isn’t uncommon for autistic people to not see their close friends for a long while, not having missed them all that much and for that to be really hurtful for the other if they notice/ask about it. "Hiii bestie! Oh umm you’re uh more emotional about this than I expected, hopefully you won’t feel alienated by me not feeling as intensely about it…"

So… Yeah. I think she thinks of things and relationships in a different way than most people, and beyond "good things happening to people is good" I don’t think she actually cares about people all that much. I’d argue that Laios shows more desire to connect with others and make relationships. And just like with Laios and his own issues with humans, that doesn’t mean her kindness is a lie or ungenuine or worthless! It just means that like, well it’s pretty straightforward really, she’s not all that social and doesn’t see casual bonds as meaning all that much and whatnot. She does want to see people happy, but it’s not as much like… A conviction or goal. She’s too laser focused on a select few people. "It’s not that they’re bad people, they just aren’t interested in humans."

And sometimes it feels like people get defensive about Falin in a meta way too, like if you ever so much as imply Marcille isn’t her whole world or that she isn’t the kindest soul out there then you’re saying she doesn’t care at all or she’s evil. And that’s actualy exactly the sort of vibe I wanted to get through with my analysis above here actually haha, that she does care and she is kind but it’s not in a way that’s quantified or understood in a way that makes people feel comfortable. In a way, that makes people feel insecure because they don’t have the same logic as her, don’t show love the same. And I think this is another stellar depiction of autism, of parts of it that feels unpalatable to many, if I’m making sense. The fandom idealizes her as well, which isn’t uncommon or surprising for the character embodying the trope of the perfect beloved to rescue.

And disclaimer, as I said in the tags I feel like the details of Falin are pretty vibe based when it comes to analysis, there’s absolutely a valid angle where she does super care about everyone always, feel free to disagree with me on the overarching angle of my analysis. There’s enough supporting evidence to tip the balance either way I think, and the reason I’ve chosen this angle is I feel it’s more compelling for the themes in Dunmeshi of idealization and being different, of desires vs wants, and because I think it neatly ties up Falin’s character arc as I’ll go over throughout the next section…

So.

Not feeling as much as she should. And……. Is this not Faligon pushed to the max?

You can’t tie down a dragon. As the chimera, she gets to just not care about everyone else and be on her merry way.

Part of it I think is finding comfort and freedom in the mindlessness, in not having the burden of feelings and connections and a consciousness (despite still ending up seeking those in a stranger, Thistle). Like when she’s dead in the purgatory as well, she gets to just… Hang around and do whatever. Similarly to when she played in the forest instead of going to class in her academy days. That’s what freedom and peace of mind looks like to her. Why she decides to roam post-canon, if only now with the goal to find herself instead, with her mind in tow and somewhere to go back home to.

There’s excellent analytic framing out there about how of course, Dungeon Meshi has a big theme of grief and letting go, and… Falin was always a symbol narratively, idealized by characters and often underconsidered by them despite their love. It was Falin’s choice to sacrifice herself for Laios, she thought it was worth it, knowing that it would be her end. Her resurrection and the process of it intertwining her soul with a dragon’s wasn’t done with her consent, and the subsequent opening it gave her to become a chimera puppet. She’s stripped of her agency consistently, and so… It’s very noteworthy that the final choice, of wether to go back to life or to stay dead, in that purgatory scene, was up to her. And she chooses life, but I do think about her in those fields and how at home she seemed there. Peaceful, by herself in a vast calm expanse she could explore, free.

Personally, I think freedom is Falin’s own subconscious selfish desire. And though to us becoming the chimera is obviously a shackle, I think it felt like freedom to her somewhat, too.

And if you think I’m going wildly off the rails here I want to talk about Laios’ wish of becoming a monster. And to be clear before getting into it, being mentally a monster is absolutely a big part of the appeal for Laios, it’s something that’s consistently referred to, something especially pointed out in the werewolf monster tidbit with Lycion. Right panel is from that, but left panel is from the extra with Izutsumi where Lycion talks about suppressing souls in a beastkin body, the human or the beast soul.

Finding comfort and freedom in being mindless, less sentient, less aware? While being unaware in her hometown might have saved Falin a lot of heartache although perhaps stunted her emotional growth, it’s always been Laios’ curse.

Actively, through his choices, he seeks to grow closer to people, to form deeper bonds, to understand and be undertood, but… On a deep seated level, what he desires is to leave humanity and civilization behind. He has an irrational hatred for humans, born from the trauma of ostracization, being different, being beaten up and rejected consistently through his life. Running away from problems is easier. He wants to be free from being a social animal from a social species who has deemed him the black sheep, he thinks it’d be simpler to just leave it all behind, people and his own humanity. At its core, to Laios becoming a monster is a power fantasy, a coping daydream of "if only I could be strong enough to never be hurt again, the power to destroy anything I want, the power to go somewhere better, if only it was possible for me to never feel hurt again. If only I could be someone, something, that can never be hurt". "If there’s someone you don’t like, you can gobble ‘em up in one bite. If you could fly, you’d be able to leave this village right now." It’s a childhood fantasy, from a deep sense of being misplaced and a desire to be able to stand fearless, thinly covering up resentment that Laios represses.

But you’ll notice, when the Winged Lion is enticing him in the last page, even now with his lifelong wish of becoming a monster on a silver plate, he still cares about his friends. He still has that sense of responsibility to his friends, doesn’t want to leave knowing they’ll be in danger and alone. The offer that his friends may be left unharmed is already good, but Laios also visibly flinches when the Winged Lion offers to specifically care after Marcille and rid her of her biggest fear. Laios’ care runs that deep. Not unlike with the succubus, he resists temptation until he gets reassured that everyone will be okay. But see, what he desires isn’t to stand alongside Marcille until her last days, it isn’t to stay and see how well his friends will live, it’s to go. It’s to leave. It’s to fly away, a monster both in body and mind. He wants to be free from caring here, wants to not have to worry about his friends, wants to just go do his own thing, but for that he needs to feel safe in the belief that said friends will be safe even without him being there to see it, because despite everything else he cares, he does. It’s again that dichotomy about caring and wishing you didn’t, or not caring and wishing you did.

In the end, it’s Falin who achieves that wish. Both by becoming a chimera during canon, and by going traveling post-canon. In the latter, being both free of human relationships as something chaining you while still being uplifted by them, by the knowledge that there are people out there you love and that love you. It’s a theme that can also be connected with Marcille, because she gets anxious over people she loves getting out of her sight, worrying they’ll get themselves killed, that time is passing while they’re away from her. But before she can get to the point where she can both have her freedom and being uplifted by her social bonds, regaining both her individuality and her connections, she has to get a taste of just one at a time. Before they can find balance in her life, she has to see what it’s like to have what she’s never had on its own. Unapologetic freedom, and power.

No one can blame you for not caring enough or caring right if you’re a fricking dragon!!!! You make the rules when you’re a beast and you can just… Fly away. From anywhere, from anything. And if a dog bites you you can just crush it. Instead of being pushed around by the dogs because you’re at the bottom of the hierarchy, you’re now at the top, the one with the power to be heard and do what you want without consequences.

I think she’s on autopilot. I think she’s on autopilot a lot of the time, even before being a chimera, and it’s partly why her will is so weak compared to regular dragons. (Again, read my shorter analysis.) It’s familiar to slip back into the role of following someone around unquestioningly. And that’s what is weaponized when she’s a chimera, that instinct she’s been nursing all her life to unconditionally support, defend and follow someone. Only now, that someone doesn’t matter in itself, only the symbol of it. She doesn’t mind, either way is fine. Her will is weak after all, because she’s trained it to take as little place as it could.

Falin cares too much

She spends all her time caring for Laios and Marcille alternating that none of her care and emotional energy is left for others, including herself. So she had to get relieved of all of that for a bit, becoming the chimera so she could reset and recenter and remember that she, too, indeed, is there and an important part of her own life.

So you’re probably seeing the duality I’m talking about here, Falin is very self-sacrificial but for specific people in ways that they often don’t recognize or appreciate. She cares but selectively, both in people, putting all her eggs in the same baskets, and in the ways she cares after them. She doesn’t care a lot, but when she does she cares a lot. Falin doesn't have a lot of earthly attachments, but when she does, they're her world.

In canon her arc, especially post-canon, is to grow beyond Marcille and Laios. Her caring for her close loved ones held her back from looking after her own self-fulfillment needs. And this is what I mean when I say she cares too much; she could gain from caring more about the world besides Laios and Marcille, both lands wise and people wise. She cares too little, but her arc centers her flaw around caring too much instead. Her pitfalls that Kui highlight over the course of the story, while of course her selflessness is appreciated for how she saved Laios and everyone, on a personal level is shown to be self-effacing and damaging. She’s undermined by Marcille, without the courage to voice her thoughts and wants, she would dedicate her whole life to Laios. And I mean, it’s text, in the response to Shuro’s proposal extra no less. And she’s so laser focused on her most loved people that she’s fine with being callous and risking others’ lives, even.

Post-canon, she needs to leave to find herself, away from them.

Herself. What if she wants to just be with herself for a while.

And this is me reaching but I feel like, not unlike Izutsumi who learns to feel this sense of never being alone, always having someone on your side what with having two souls, the dragon in her would make her consider herself more. She finds it easier to care after other people after all, and in the purgatory fields sequence she takes care to bring the bit of dragon left with her… Not unlike with Izutsumi, having two souls forces you to think about your identity and figure yourself out. Besides being this sort of duo now, where if she wants to care after herself she can channel it to that other side of her too… In meta dragons are symbols of greed, and I think the bit of dragon would push her to want more and listen more to her desires, primal and self-serving as they might be. The dragon soul which warped her human body with feathers and draconic features, her image of perfection marred, her weirdness externalized in a way that’s not palatable. But she doesn’t care, about if her appearance is palatable for most people, she hasn’t for a while now, and that’s great.

Notes & nuance

I’m struggling with the structure of this post, making my points organized, concise and strong at once. It’s difficult to make any statement without going "things are generally like this, but there’s this time that this contradicting thing happened too" or "it’s ambiguous enough that you should just follow my interpretation for the time of this analysis" haha, so this is the pit where I put all the stuff that wouldn’t fit well in other places but are interesting for Falin’s character. This section is pretty separate from the main thesis of the post, it’s just more Falin observations. The post has reached the 30 pics limit so I can’t just pull it up whenever it’s relevant but I really encourage scrolling up to read the stuff I highlighted in her Adventurer’s Bible profile if you haven’t already.

I think with the shy-looking loner type autistic kid archetype, and knowing she didn’t seem to mind others ostracizing her, it’s easy to lose sight of how she was by no means an unemotional child. In all the bits we see of her as a kid she’s bursting with energy and emotions. Canon confirms Laios leaving the village did affect her and make her lonely and she cried a lot, too. She may not be social in the traditional sense, but she was clingy with her brother, and she also never was all that shy about who she was, wearing her heart on her sleeve.And okay. Okay okay okay. Speaking of appearances. About what I said of her not caring about what people think of her, even seeming defiant with the caravan leader… There’s one istanxe of her caring actually, and it’s about how her face blushes easily. I remembered it as being because Laios’ said it and as I rambled Laios’ words are her world, but actually it’s ambiguous. It’s only Marcille imagining up this scenario where Laios says Falin looks weird because of it, there’s no evidence Laios said or thought that at any point. And on the other hand…

Her Adventurer’s Bible says: "5, Lovely Skin. She isn't particularly careful with it, but Falin's skin is fair and beautiful. Possibly as a result, her cheeks seem to flush easily. Marcille's always saying she's cute, and she secretly has a sizable complex about it." The phrasing makes me think the complex she has over her blushing might have developed because of Marcille more than Laios. "Marcille's always saying she's cute, and she secretly has a sizable complex about it." It could be related to how Marcille gets swept away and infantilizes her, calling her cute wanting her to wear cute feminine outfits etc. Again this feels like it relates to Falin’s struggle to be seen for who she is and what she wants to be seen as, her struggle to be recognized, having ideals and perspectives pushed onto her. Here Falin is insecure over her blushing implicitly because she doesn’t like being called cute over it, but that’s not how she wants people to see her. She doesn’t want Marcille to always see her as her 10 years old adorable friend. Like if your friend said you had puppy energy, it can be flattering, but it can also make you insecure.

Here’s a link to what I mentioned about her being uncomfortable wearing feminine outfits. It does seem to be more about comfort than the aesthetic perse, to me. Interestingly the shirt & shorts don’t seem like they show much more skin than her beach outfit, so maybe it’s more about the shirt and shorts being tight-fitting. Like the skirts and heels they feel stifling. Again a bit with themes of freedom and not wanting an aesthetic pushed onto her. So yes just to reiterate, I think this is more about self-affirmation and how her identity and self-image gets shown to others, rather than wishing to hide parts of her body like her blushing etc for people pleasing reasons. Makeup was a way for her to appear how she wants to and feel more confident. It was a way to take control over her own image. She didn’t keep doing it, the narrator stating the process to be ‘troublesome’. Ultimately she still prioritizes her comfort, and it was a lot of recurring efforts to go through.

And on the topic of appearances… A friend once asked me: "Does she really hide herself or not? I keep thinking about "falin is herself first and foremost" (in her Adventurer’s Bible profile) it’s just so. Hmmmmmmmm... I just keep seeing people say she hides her real self from people when I feel like the issue is more about her charitable traits straying too far into becoming flaws but people around her dont realize that..."

Imo the thing is, I don’t think she hides her identity, but I do think she suppresses her individuality for others’ sakes if that makes sense. In the way that only post-canon does she allows herself to go see what the world is like, but that’s not personality wise it’s needs and wants wise. And I do feel like that’s the closest interpretation of canon, she says it herself she doesn’t know what she wants because everything she’s done was always about Laios or Marcille, but she doesn’t change her demeanor or personality for others. But she *will*, like, not ask for things she wants directly, like sharing lunches with Marcille at the academy, she suppresses her wants, doesn’t ask things from people and doesn’t hope for more, hope for better. I don’t think we ever see her actively repress her personality, except like what, being more laidback than enthusiastic but I do feel like unlike Laios with her it’s less ‘appearing stoic to fit in more’ and more ‘yeah i’ll just chill until I’m needed or something activates my enthusiasm’. To which said friend quoted: "to feel like you belong you need to be useful. when you can’t be useful the next best thing is being convenient."

And speaking of passivity… I want to speculate about Shuro’s proposal some more. Shuro and her got along well though we don’t know how much, or how often they hung out, she even saved him from a nightmare. Why did she take so long answering Shuro’s proposal? Was it an effort to preserve or was she really just that conflicted? Procrastination probably yes, but what is the core motivation of itl Considering she ended up saying no to travel the world instead, I don’t think it was as simple as ‘she wanted to say yes for convenience’. Logically it’s what would have been best, but it’s not what she wanted for herself, but it was and still is hard for her to even know what she wants. Probably, since like she states it was a great offer and she doesn’t think she’ll get proposed to again, it’s that self-effacing tendency that yes it’d be convenient and logical, and that makes her want to say yes even if her spirit isn’t in it, because if it’s convenient then that’s more important than her feelings on the matter. Man also… Obviously Marcille is very vocal about how she shouldn’t get with Shuro, but imagine how Falin’s whole perspective on marriage must have felt when her only friend ever is a Romantic with a capital R who gushes about idealized romances and grand gestures and True Love and doing things with fully pure feelings all the time.

AND speaking of passivity!!! How much Falin is "there" as the chimera, just how much she’s master of her actions, is left ambiguous and intentionally so imo, but she’s for sure there & influencing the dragon’s action to some degree. Having a dragon’s foot on her in purgatory that keeps her from moving for sure visualizes how it must have been like, but there’s Falin calling out to her brother Laios, there’s the kind attentions towards Thistle that are so Falin-like, and most explicitly there’s the Adventurer’s Bible stating "Even after becoming a chimera, she has a soul that's as kind as ever", which I honestly dislike, a fantranslation puts it as "Even as the chimera, her caring nature remains" and either way to me it feels like confirmation that it’s her giving those berries to Thistle. Now, wether or not she has the mental capacity of a chicken or something closer to human Falin, no clue, there has to at least be some kind of mind bond between monsters and the dungeon lord, compelling or forcing them to go along with orders, or calling her to him in distress like with the fight on the first floor. But yes, it’s interesting to wonder what it is that a Falin, with her kind soul but without her human mind, would willingly do. On her profile, she’s described as Thistle’s guardian and servant. The power dynamic between the two are very interesting, I already went into how it might have felt like freedom to her while being fake so I’ll reign myself in and just mention it again. She’s still at the heel of someone, only now it’s someone who doesn’t care about her back. Going from being cared for so strongly that it’s suffocating and they would defy death and the world for you, to being devoted to someone who has not one feeling about you besides your utility as a paw . She has all this care to give and to focus onto others and he has none to send back to her and I think that’s part of it. In a way, being left with only her own feelings and a void, without expectations or feelings or ideals pushed onto her, it might have been soothing in itself, and eye opening. But yes the way I think of it, her care for Thistle isn’t unlike the care she gives the ghosts.

Interestingly, the care she extends for the ghosts is sending their soul to a peaceful death, freeing them, of life and any earthly attachment. Take that as you will with the themes of freedom and burden of life and mind, immortality and becoming a warped version of who you were, and such and such.

But going back on the topic of connections and bonds for a bit, I think academy days Falin & Marcille is super interesting bc we’ve never really see Falin form a connection besides with Marcille and even that is kept pretty ambiguous. When was the point that Falin started seeing Marcille as a friend and seeking her out? When was the "I’ll lay down my life for you" point? I’m so fascinated by how she wanted to share lunches with Marcille but never truly asked, only made little "hey want this? I found it isn’t it cool?" gestures of showing things to her… It’s the only way she knows to ask, or maybe it’s the only way she feels comfortable to. In all the scenes of young Falin and Marcille Falin seems comfortable in her friendship with Marcille, but at the same time… I think we see Falin at her most insecure around Marcille, because she really does care about Marcille and what she thinks of her so much, and while Marcille is a bit of an unstoppable force tornado style (affectionate) Falin is something of a doormat. I’d usually say showing her berries was her earnest way to connect and be like "Hey bestie look at this! :]" , but there’s a real possibility that she was self-conscious and holding herself back.

Friendship and Marcille! Involving Laios into this too but, again with the autism thing of not showing you care in ways that others understand, Marcille being very overtly affectionate and clingy was so so soo important… Marcille keeping on hanging out with Falin and caring after her, and being undeterred/unbothered by Falin not always seeming like she cares all that much back in the conventional way, as in Falin acts nonchalant and a bit like she didn’t mind wether she was there with her or not during her outings to the cave dungeon. Caring and being clingy and so affectionate despite that in such a classic Marcille way is soo needed, because so often people will get discouraged by say, their friend not keeping in contact regularly/well, seeming disaffected or as happy-go-lucky as ever even if you haven’t seen each other in a while or when they’re alone, and yes there’s potential for a strong friendship there but someone like Falin won’t be committed enough to reciprocating attention the same way… I hope I’m making sense but yes this angle in particular strongly correlates to autism. And the way Marcille always initiates physical affection, both Toudens being awkward about initiating touch because they don’t know if that’s allowed, if they’re going about the social interaction the right way, if they’re allowed to ask that out of someone…

Another fun observation to make is about the 4 years Falin and Marcille spent apart. Marcille despite being of a long-lived race treated these 4 years of separation with more gravity than Falin did. Falin brushed it off very dismissively to say the least. But then you remember that the amount of time Falin and Laios didn’t see each other after he left the village was 8 years. Double the years, double the time. And that reminder makes Falin’s actions so starkingly understandable. Of course she wouldn’t see 4 years of separation as a long time if 8 years of separation with her beloved brother is her point of comparison. Of course she’d see it as worth it to leave Marcille for 4 years if it meant ending those 8 years instead, especially if she was worried about him (the reason why she followed him into his caravan job).

A friend always says that while Falin is the center of Marcille’s world, Laios’ is at the center of Falin’s, and I tend to agree.

It’s fun to think of how her career dreams had always been shaped by Laios, even when they were kids. Of course there’s how traveling the world began as a dream they talked about and shared, but there’s how he reassures her by listing cool jobs she could do like traveling exorcist, etc. And then of course, she gave up on her magic academy and career path to follow him and do odd jobs, etc etc.

I should go into the violence of Faligon more tbh, because I think there’s an interesting parallel to how she has no problem wacking things with a mace, wether a ghost when she was a kid or a walking mushroom as an adult. Something that often surprises fans when they remember, I don’t really want to get into the whole " Falin hates violence and hates seeing people in pain to an intense degree. ‘If you die do it somewhere where I can’t see’ style’ interpretation, it has some weight but on the whole I don’t vibe with the theory she has a particular aversion to violence, she seems to be fine resorting to it as much as any other adventurer as long as it isn’t needlessly against ghosts. And Falin’s sudden mace hits are fun to me too because it’s not her becoming a berserker when the need arises as much as her becoming active because something she cares about is threatened, and that brings her out of her passivity from 99% of the rest of the time. Thistle included. Falin always could be violent, she just dislikes senseless carnage. The Shuro party vs chimera fight is a bit ambiguous on it, because you can argue she only attached after being provoked, presumably offscreen as well while the ninjas went off to fight the harpies. Falin becomes the most active when she needs to protect someone, she has no qualms doing whatever’s needed for that, wether it be leaving the academy & Marcille without notice no matter the consequences or what her parents think, or teleporting the party, etc.

I’m working on a post specifically pointing out all the differences between Falin and Laios, but yes I think both of them selfishly desire freedom in different yet similar ways. Falin’s dark secret is "Ethics and risks are optional if it means I can protect those I love" like the teleportation, and Laios’ is "Ethics and risks are optional if I can be free of all this bullshit" aka humanity aka his wish with the winged lion.

Conclusion

Flighted birds have hollow bones. With freedom and wings there comes risks and sacrifices.

Tldr: Falin doesn’t care all that much, she’s very go with the flow. For example if someone hates her she doesn’t really care because that’d require her caring about what they think of her in the first place, and she only cares about her loved ones. She smiles, but it’s more a state of being rather than out of active goodness: she’s canonically very genuinely kind, but it’s more out of a general want for pleasantness than active care itself. She’s passive, and softspoken because that’s just how she seems, but she has no problem hopping into bushes or getting heated if something calls to her enthusiasm or calls for action and a hit of the ol’ mace. Her loved ones needing tending or protective is what makes her go from passive to active. That familiar autopilot mode of making someone the center of her world and following their every move is what made her so easy to be controlled as the chimera, even ferociously defending him with her life. Faligon is most interesting to me with the theme of freedom. She’s shackled to Thistle and out of her mind, but there’s also a sense of empowerment and freedom from expectations and society. She spends all her time caring for Laios and Marcille alternating that none of her care and emotional energy is left for others, including herself. So she had to get relieved of all of that for a bit, becoming the chimera so she could reset and recenter and remember that she, too, indeed, is there and an important part of her own life. There’s a way of caring after others that can be selfish, not unlike Marcille being overly coddling and not listening to Falin. In Falin’s case, I think it was so selfless that it ended up looping back around to erasing her sense of self. In losing sight of herself, that devotion becoming neither quite selfish or selfless but a fact of life and a state of nature, muddled by its lack of direction.

She’s sooo used to never being able to ask things out of others, you get the crumbs of affection and approval that others offer to you unprompted and that’s it don’t hope for more don’t ask for more. (Also reflected in how she follows her loved ones around without complain or personal opinions and how she’s not willing to rock the boat and affirm herself in her relationships like with Marcille during canon)

Falin cares so much, so much and so laser focused on her few loved ones that it blinds her and she loses sight of everything else, she ends up neglecting herself and the rest of the world. As Kui puts it, Falin is herself first and foremost. She just had to remember the importance of that.

-

I see her as an enneagram 9, which can be surprisingly accurate and fun to research through the lense of Falin. Excerpt below from this book, but like my god, good way to put it

That’s it, ty for reading. Even if it’s a bit of a mess, hopefully you’ll have gained a thing or two from it. Falin is a character hard to pin down, but it is very gratifying when you find the way that the puzzle pieces fit together right for your own understanding of the story. Fantranslation of the shuro proposal comic by @/thatsmimi here.

Here’s my spotify playlist for her if you’d like

Sometimes love is about letting go, a lesson a lot of the cast needed to learn. Self-love’s important too, and just like with diets we need a healthy balance.

[artblocked]

Fucked up creature that spawns from the Ultimate Weapon after four souls stew in it for God knows how long honestly

[stagefoureddiediaz]

23 years!! So Eddie hasn’t been to confession since he was around 10?!

Well if that isn’t interesting!!! That feels so pointed because that is a very young age to stop going to confession - unless you’ve started to realise you’re different - that the church as been teaching you the things you’re feeling and realising about yourself are not ok according to their teachings and beliefs and the best and easiest way to avoid religious wrath, not look at yourself too closely and bury your feelings is to just stop going to confession (assuming he was still going to church with his parents as I can’t imagine they’d not have him go to church every Sunday at 10!)

[dani-luminae]

Mal's D1 arc of being an abused kid and learning what genuine love is, what truly makes her happy, and standing up to her mother, is a wonderful arc and god I wish they'd kept with it.

But making a majority of it rely on a love spell undercuts it so badly.

[lovesickeros]

lord its so dark in here the sahara desert of tsaritsa content you are like a shining oasis. your characterisation of her compels me & mihoyo would be hard pressed to top it imo.!! caaaaan i humbly request yr thoughts on her first meeting w a reader of any kind, or maybe even multiple kinds (sagau, sagau god au, isekai, etc) if you so desire...

it really is like a desert here. being the fan of a character we aren't getting until the last damn nation is driving me up a wall but i will persevere bc if nothing else i support morally bankrupt women in media. we r in a severe drought over here but i do my best. unfortunately nothing i say is ever coherent so pull out your translation notes its abt 2 be messy

also this got out of hand but thats bc first meetings w the tsaritsa are tricky to write + a LOT of her characterization lies in deeper exploration then just surface level yknow...NOT A DIG AT YOU this is just my excuse for rambling. gently pats the tsaritsa she can hold so much complexity i do not have the word count to delve into it completely :]

gonna talk cult au for a bit here though because that's 99% of my content. and honestly? she thrives in sub au's of the cult au like villain au + imposter au. it's basically made for her. i mean, early days, the imposter au had been going around for a little while but one of the first few ideas was the Fatui taking reader in so like. it kinda technically actually was. pretty sure cult au Tsaritsa popped up because of the imposter au. a lot of it's writers kinda left though which. man am i getting old or.

anyway.

there isn't much of a chance her first impression is all that positive. at best it's usually neutral, imo, but rarely if ever positive. specifically because i view the Tsaritsa as someone who isn't as fanatical as most of the acolytes typically are towards the creator. she's not exactly going to worship the ground you walk on unlike a certain geo lizard. which is partially why i think she thrives in the sub au's i mentioned.

imposter au, for example. she meets you at your lowest. there's no gaudy extravagance or pampering from the acolytes waiting for you because your own acolytes have turned on you. for all intents and purposes you aren't a "god" at all. which is why i don't think she meshes well with normal cult au reader. the Fatui are made up of outcasts, basically, and imposter au slots right in just perfectly. you're weak, at your lowest, when you meet the Fatui in the imposter au. and the Fatui can help you, too.

a mutual exchange, really. the Tsaritsa sees a tool she can use to one up the rest of the nations and especially Archons, and she has no qualms about you using her and the Fatui in turn. you both want something out of it, after all. whether you just want to be safe from the rest of the acolytes, or you want revenge, or whatever else..she'll give you the power to fulfill it, and she gains the strongest piece on the chessboard when all is said and done.

the best way i can describe the first meeting is "practical", i suppose. she sees an opportunity in you. the ultimate gamble. because if she "saves" you, and you dont trust anyone else because they tried to kill you, well..she holds all the cards, doesn't she?

but the Tsaritsa, imo, is just as capable of being just as fanatical towards you as anyone else. she just won't worship you as the creator. but as yourself? clawing your way back to your divine power and taking back what belongs to you? the Tsaritsa is, to me, a character who's character flourishes in long-term fics more because she changes a LOT between "just met reader" and after having been with reader for some time. she's practically apathetic at the beginning but a lot of her character, in my characterization, shines through LONG after the first meeting.

[mangofanarts]

(Excluding the original eggs out of this conversation) Out of the three new eggs, Empanada gives me oldest vibes, pepito gives off middle child vibes and Sunny is the youngest

[tunacocina]

i really dont miss qsmpblr during purgatory. i dont. but theres something to be said for that unique high of posting an okay-ish shitpost after avoiding posting about discourse all day while three of your mutuals get in a vagueposting war and two people unfollow you for some character interpretation. and also at the same time gaining followers for continuing the yuriposting grind through it all. like that was such an energizing feeling. i would not go back but i do hold a special place in my heart for it in a trainwreck way. but theres a reason why qtinya is privated now. some things can be left to rest...🙏

[simcardiac-arrested]

zavijava info PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!! PLEASEEEEE ZAVIJAVA COME HOME ... PLEASE .... umm um um ill tell you about umm . tma au im making for nastya if u tell me about her .PLEASE!!!!!!!

so she is definitely a star of some kind. i mean she is an angel but in that story in particular The Stars are kind of angels. like they’re otherworldly beings and they jus kinda hang out. cosmically. it’s a different dimension separated from the human one but like, obviously stars still exist for humans, they just don’t do anything crazy because the rules of the world dictate that their realities shouldn’t interact. angels can observe the other world from far up above yet they still exist on a different level. But tbh zavijava had never enjoyed the otherworldly ethereal whatever lifestyle—she just didn’t feel like she fit in there. she is a #1 humans fan though so she knows that’s where she’d fit in. so she does just that. she fits in perfectly :) and normally :) yay :)

[dykedvonte]

you make really good points, I think I used the term karmic wrong sorry. I think of it more as not how I personally think he deserved all that happened to him (which thinking back os exactly what karma means, I messed up sorry), but as his fate being directly tied/parallel to anyas. I handnt noticed the toxicity of jimmy and curlys relationship, from the first playthrough I watched and the first interactions I had w fandom I saw so many ppl just. dismiss the terror Anya went through and focus too much on him as the "ultimate victim" and that just didn't sit well w me. I really dislike seeing ppl go "oh well nothing could've been done" I think it's much more complex than that. also I forgot to mention in the last ask that I really appreciate you bringing the point that this game isn't just about the harm of patriarchy but also very very critical to capitalism, I haven't seen too many ppl touch on this. I hadn't thought too deeply about how it makes "he deserved to become disabled as punishment" come up and I agree that's really messed up. I'll try watching a playthrough again with all of this in mind. but either way thanks! I really appreciate your answer 🫶🏼

I guess this is just part of being in a fandom like this. I've noticed a lot of people don't actually see posts outside of their curated view. So some people only get like anya posting or jimmy or curly and it can make it seem like that is what is saturating the conversation.

I mainly just follow the general tags and look for anything new because I'm like obsessed but I know some are only looking for what they want or believe to be the case and can get weird about other ideas.

Sorry if I came off mean its just a last few of the asks have been like circular conversations like this and its not draining per say but seeing all the nuance and details get overlooked to fit a straightforward and basic narrative really sucks cause there's a lot to explore character and theme wise.

[abnormalpsychology]

This is just an appreciation post for Once In A While, and ONLY the original version by Barry Bostwick. Why are productions always speeding it up and adding dramatic-ass key changes, acting like it’s boring?? Like why do you hate gay people? let my man Brad sing his sad long little ballad!!!!

Let him have this!!!!!!!!

[mat-neptune]

I redesigned Jodie cuz I made her look too much like my own oc and I love drawing curly hair.

Another SH1 au I have where Alessa runs away before the ritual and hides in the Mason's car before they left town. They adopt her and because of her powers, Jodie never gets sick/cursed.

[yuseirra]

onk is so annoying~~~~~~~!!!aahh I actually feel like I'm going to get so many things right in the end and I have all the answers, I SERIOUSLY DO, I'm not- I'm not being full of myself or making baseless claims, I just SEE what they are trying to do with the writing, the feelings of the characters at least, some of them are painfully obvious BUT THEY JUST KEEP BEATING AROUND THE BUSH AND KEEP TRYING TO TWIST THINGS AWAY AND MAKE IT SEEM LIKE IT ISN'T. That's what I find so annoying!! It's actually one of the reasons why I took a break from reading the comic after some time when I picked up the work after having viewed S1 last year. I know what they're doing and why the characters are written like this, and how they're like this, I'm pretty positive!!

I was annoyed about Aqua last time because he still had feelings for Kana yet the authors made him entangled with Akane while he DIDN'T abandon his feelings for her, I'm really sorry but he shouldn't have treated Akane like that. It wasn't fair. His feelings towards Kana NEVER once changed. I JUST SAW THAT, the writers make him stray away from that feeling he was for painfully long, they better make the whole reveal fulfilling in the end, I KNEW aqukana was going to be endgame for so long. Aqua SHOULD NOT have treated Akane the way he did if he really wanted to build a genuine relationship with her. The anime S2 seems to leave off at there where he asks her to be a couple, well, I think he did try, but he didn't discard his feelings towards Kana as he did either. I just.. knew, that what happened wasn't what he truly wanted and this guy NEVER confronts his desires, he should have gone up and told the person he liked about his feelings but this comic considers something like this a suspense or a plot point and lets it drag on for dozens of chapters... I came BACK after they confirmed about his feelings because GOD it was so obvious. This whole story would have gone nowhere without him ever having gotten true to his feelings, nothing would have been resolved without it because he'd always have had this lingering feeling for Kana and it's just hanging with it without being acknowledged in the story!!! It's not about what ship I support exactly, it's- I know what characters have feeling for whom!!! and they try to make it seem like it's some big secret because I get it, endgame ships are important but Aqua, as much as I cared for him(he's been making me so angry lately though,) was being a douche to both girls. They both can go kick his butt for toying around with those girl's feelings. and ehh I can see regardless of who his love interest is, ultimately the one person he really cares about more than his own life is Ruby HSHSH.. What is that guy doing. His dad told him to go back and live!! I am mad!!!

and now, I already partly have a good idea about how Hikaru and Ai's relationship issue's going to be resolved but they have to DRAG IT ON AND MAKE ME SO NERVOUS. The authors must really like doing this and think it's very clever but again, this is so tedious and nerve-wrecking to watch as a weekly issue with Hikaru being completely out of it, he's totally gone insane!!! The one guy Ai wanted to confess to being in shambles is both so ridiculous and so tragic to look at!! Look at the total mess he's become, they can't make him be so..;; so ugly like this, it's so rude to his being as a character and I'm sure they aren't going to leave him be like this as Ai's other half(YES THIS GUY!!! IS AI'S OTHER HALF!! HE'S DEVISED TO BE HER MATCH FROM THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT STAGE!!)

Come on everyone, I know what I'm doing.

YOU CAN'T MAKE AI SAY WHAT SHE'S SAID TO/ABOUT HER MURDERER!!!! THAT'S 1. SO CRUEL, 2.A DOWNRIGHT DUMB CHOICE AS A WRITER AND IT DOESN'T HAVE A POINT!!

YOU MAKE HER SAY THAT BECAUSE THE GUY DIDN'T DO IT AND IS SOMEONE WHO SHE CAN TRULY LOVE THAT WAY!!! HER NAME MEANS LOVE!!! I just... caught that as soon as this dropped and they lay out all these dumb and confusing ideas later on and make things sooo messy but it's actually, ultimately leading in this direction because DID WE SEE ANY CLEAR PROOF THAT HE WANTED TO HURT AI OR GET BACK AT HER. WE DO NOT BECAUSE HE REALLY DIDN'T DO IT!!! IDK ABT HIM KILLING OTHER PPL THAT'S VAGUE BUT AT LEAST, THIS GUY LOVED AI!!!! WHAT THEY HAVE IS MUTUAL AND HIS FEELINGS FOR HER'S BEEN WHAT'S BEEN MAKING HIM GO ON WHEN HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY WILL TO LIVE AND FEELS PRACTICALLY DEAD AFTER SHE'S GONE!!

THIS GUY WENT INSANE AFTER HE LOST THE ONE SINGLE PERSON WHO MATTERED THE MOST IN HIS LIFE. HE'S NOT HIMSELF!! I just watched how he appeared in the final ep in the anime and I kept going: 'oh this guy. He's totally lost it. He's totally gone mad, the madman. he needs to see a psychiatrist' BECAUSE WHAT'S BEING PRESENTED, IS NOT HIM BEING HIMSELF. I really think.. the guy became possessed or became out of it after he wished to see Ai again. Look, Look at what's happening in the songs. SOMEONE WISHED THE DEAD TO BE BACK. SOMEONE WISHED TO BE ABLE TO BE WITH THEM. THEY WERE WILLING TO DO ANYTHING IF ONLY THAT WERE TO BE POSSIBLE. THEY WISHED UPON "A STAR". There is no one else other than him that would have made that kind of wish.

HE WANTS AI BACK!!!!

Help omygod I'm so tired of the writers just dragging on and spinning things in circles and confusing the readers I JUST GOT THIS OVER AND DONE WITH AS SOON AS THE CHAPTER AND THE SONGS DROPPED AND

If they're doing to make him a villain they never would have had to put in that scene where Ai tells her children she wants her boyfriend to be helped. That totally isn't necessary. They never need to have told us she really loved him and wished to live forever with him. This isn't the type of story where HER efforts would remain a dumb, futile choice, Hikaru's wish may be but AS FOR AI, NO!!!! IT JUST LITERALLY CANNOT HAPPEN!!! THE ENTIRE STORY HAS HER WISH AND LEGACY UNDERLYING IN THE PLOTLINE AS A FLOW, THE STORY DOES NOT FUNCTION WITHOUT IT BECOMING A REALITY!!! RUBY AND AQUA'S WISH AND DRIVES ARE HIGHLY CORRELATED TO THE WISH SHE HAS, AND IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM DETACHING AND STRAYING AWAY FROM IT, IT'S ABOUT THEM ADDING ONTO IT AND STEPPING FORWARD BUT IN THAT SAME DIRECTION! THEY EACH BECAME AN ACTOR AND AN IDOL THE WAY SHE WANTED AND THEY PROGRESSED IN THE ROUTES IN THEIR RESPECTIVE JOURNEYS. THIS STORY CANNOT STAND WITH AI BEING DISREGARDED, SHE'S THE PIVOTAL, KEY PERSON THAT ACTS AS THE BACKBONE!! SO THERE IS NO WAY HER BELOVED IS A SIMPLE CRAZY INSANE MANIAC THE MOMENT SHE TELLS THE READERS SHE ACTUALLY LOVES HIM DEARLY!! SOMETHING'S UP WITH THAT GUY AND HE'S ALSO SOMEONE THAT DESERVES TO BE SAVED!! THAT CHARACTER IS DEVISED TO BE AI'S LOVE. HE IS. AND YOU DON'T MAKE THAT GUY BE A BASELESS SIMPLE FREAK, THAT'S WHY LITERALLY NOTHING'S ACTUALLY BEEN... TOLD TO US ABOUT HIM??? BECAUSE, THE STORY WANTED US TO THINK THAT WAY BUT HE ACTUALLY WASN'T!!!! IT'S RUDE NOT JUST TO HIM BUT AI!! AND I AM SURE THE WRITERS REALLY DO LOVE AND CARE FOR AI. They won't make her look dumb. Not only does it make the character's charm die out, it just totally downplays and degrades the entire series as a whole. Ai is that central. I'm not saying this because I favor her, it's just.. the way she's devised.

it's such a relief this manga's on hiatus till October 24th~ 'v')/ ah.. I can relax.. I can relax. um, probably till this time next week, this comic is oh, it can get super dumb(I'm so sorry aka-san and mengo-san. I don't mean it in a literal sense I'm just TIRED THOUGH). There are so many things I like about it but it stresses me out, I honestly wouldn't be like this if I could not spot anything, but I just SEE these things so clearly and I feel so lonely about it, there is NO WAY it wouldn't go otherwise at least I think so, but it's not my work and the writers aren't me either so I can't be completely sure- it's... painful to wait out and see the characters making dumb choices and making crazy faces, making vague statements that actually result to nothing much and having to wait a week for unanswered questions, every week, I'm not sure if this is supposed be suspense or cliffhangers or what makes the readers want to grab the next episode etc but I've never seen a comic that works so much like a morning kdrama, it's been that way as of lately and it's really wearing me out

oh guys, oh guys don't worry. I never play a game I'd lose. I really need to buy one of those storywriting books- the "how to write" sort of things right. but I; just don't see this going any other way in an ultimate sense. The answers are already out. What I'm unsure is how we'd get there. I could sit back.. and come back after a year like the way I did last time, but I stepped in way too deep and it feels like a sinkhole.. I keep getting afraid if I get anything wrong, oh, I actually feel I can speak.. a little.. when they have breaks like these. otherwise I'd get too nervous to say anything... I can just focus with doing what I enjoy regarding this work without having to worry about just what the heck may come next...

I have like 3-4 ideas I want to draw, I want to get to that before the next chapter drops lol if this comic keeps making me so;; nervous, yeah, I can just rest. I've been pushing so hard~~~~ I'm sure the writers are having so much fun right now and I'm just playing into their hands as a reader because wouldn't it be so nice!! be so fun!! to have people feel things regarding their work! but it's time they start providing us answers now and give this story a good wrap-up. I hope it has like three volumes left at least; I will regret having read this piece if they just drop what that can be perfectly good because, because, I can see this piece getting a really good resolution. They can do it!!! I SEE IT! IT CAN HAPPEN! EVERYTHING CAN MAKE GOOD SENSE AND IT CAN BE GREAT!! AND I think that's what they're going for. I got so many things right about this piece, oh.. I really hope it does go in the way I could be happy I read it.. I got in again because I caught a glimpse of it.

[triglycercule]

it may be mother's day but that doesn't mean that i'm not gonna mtt it up 🙏 (i drew my mother's day gift for my mom in mtt colors LMAO)

[white-cat-of-doom]

Griddlebone Playlist

This playlist is meant to outline the complex (and fundamental) emotion of love, and the pitfalls and joys of chasing after something grand that requires another to reciprocate the affection.

More specifically for this set of songs, the want for love while having the feeling that something is not quite right, either with the other individual involved, or within your own mind. Through isolating oneself into hollow emptiness after heartbreak, and due to feeling devoid of being wanted, it is hard to be vulnerable and let anyone back into a place of emotional attachment.

Did you ever actually feel what 'love' was? Are you really deserving of being loved? After everything, wherever can you find it?

川口雅代 (Masayo Kawaguchi) – Melty

ROMY – LOVE コマーシャル (Love Commercial)

越美晴 (Miharu Koshi) – 恋はファニー・フィーリング (Love Is A Funny Feeling)

宮原芽映 (Mebae Miyahara) – 悪魔のように微笑んで (Smiling Like A Devil)

いしだあゆみ & ティン・パン・アレイ・ファミリ(Ayumi Ishida & Tin-Pan-Alley-Family) – 私自身 (Myself)

麗美 (REIMY) – シャドー・ブレイ (Shadow Play)

竹内まりや (Mariya Takeuchi) – プラスティック・ラブ (Plastic Love)

工藤順子 (Junko Kudo) – 夕顔姐さん (Ms. Yugao)

Meow Meow & Thomas Lauderdale – Hotel Amour

Tracks 1 and 2, 3 and 4, 5 through 7, and 8 and 9, are meant to represent different sections of time in the life of the Queen.

Signature song with playlist: Meow Meow & Thomas Lauderdale – Hotel Amour

Track One: 川口雅代 (Masayo Kawaguchi) – Melty

“ううん･･･ ････何でもないけれど 少し 不安になっただけ" ("Ugh... ...It's nothing, but I just felt a little anxious") 知られた分だけ わたしから 冷めてゆくのが こわいから (I'm afraid that the more you know, the more you'll grow colder from me) "･･･そうよ･･･” (That’s right…”) すき間もない程に 昨夜 ひとつになったの (Last night we became one, with no gaps between us) しがみついたら 微笑うけど どうしていいのか わからない (I smile when I hold on to you, but I don't know what to do) Melty 手を引かれて 溶かし溶かされ 充たされるはずなのに (My hand should be pulled away, melted, melted, and filled up) Melty つかめないの どうしてかしら? 肩すかしされた 気分 (I can't grasp it, why? I feel like I've been ignored) 何にも言わずに 抱き寄せて (Without saying anything, I hold you close) 朝の光が あなたの景色変えないうちに (Before the morning light changes your scenery) “いやよ” ("No, no") ･･･言いかけてやめるのは うまく 言い聞かせるつもりね (...I'm trying to convince you to stop when I say it) 困らせたいの! (I want to embarrass you!) "お見通し” ("Foresight") 小悪魔ぶっても かなわない (Even if I act like a little devil, I can't compete) Melty 手を引かれて 溶かし溶かされ 充たされるはず充たされるはずなのになのに (My hand should be pulled away, melted, melted, and filled up) Melty つかめないの どうしてかしら? (I can't grasp it, why?) 何かが 違ってゆくの 何も言わせず 抱き寄せて (Something is going to be different, don't let me say anything, hold me close) めかくししてね ちぐはぐなこと 言わないうちに (Before I get too confused and say something foolish) Melty 手を引かれて 溶かし溶かされ 充たされるはずなのに (My hand should be pulled away, melted, melted, and filled up) Melty つかめないの どうしてかしら? 肩すかしされた気分 (I can't grasp it, why? I feel like I've been ignored) 何も言わずに 抱き寄せて (Hold me close without saying anything) めかくししててね (Please cover your eyes) 朝の光で 見えないうちに (Before you can see it in the morning light)

The initial apprehension of being more intimately involved, emotionally and physically, with another person comes with the realization that she felt nothing when it happened. She should be able to feel a deeper connection, but something is not right, and instead pretends and acts accordingly like everything is fine.

Track Two: ROMY – LOVE コマーシャル (Love Commercial)

指の中で タバコふかし 何もないのに 愛にまみれた (I smoked a cigarette in my fingers and was covered in love, even though there was nothing there) 気にするコトが 自分以外の あの人に対する 愛の神経 (What I worry about is the nerves of love for someone other than myself) いつか見た あの人はいない 私の人には ならなかった (That person I saw someday wasn't the same person I was) 私はなまけて ただならぬ犬より (I'm better than a lazy dog) ただの人を 選んでみただけ (I just picked a person) 私のコントロール あえてコントロール こわくてコントロール あえてコントロール 心に 私まかせ コントロール (My control, dare to control, I'm afraid to control, dare to control, leave it to my heart to control me) 頭の中で おもいふかし 何があるのか 夢のざわめき (I wonder what's going on inside my head, The buzz of dreams) ただならぬ人だから あえて こわがって あの人に対する 愛の恐怖 (Because he is an extraordinary person, I dare to be afraid of him, and the fear of love towards him) 抱かれる日は 心 うきあし もうひとりの私 かくしきれない (The days when I'm held in your arms, I feel happy, and I can't hide my other self) 私のコントロール あえてコントロール こわくてコントロール あえてコントロール 心に 私まかせ コントロール (My control, dare to control, I'm afraid to control, dare to control, leave it to my heart to control me)

A reflection on not feeling love when, or to the level, you think you should, while worrying how it will affect your partner. There is a comfort in being together with someone, but that surface level connection will eventually face the challenge of it being something more for them, and she is not prepared or ready for that.

Ultimately, it is up to Griddlebone to move forward in the best way that makes sense to her, and that path is one alone.

Track Three: 越美晴 (Miharu Koshi) – 恋はファニー・フィーリング (Love Is A Funny Feeling)

彼は時間に遅れて 私は指輪を忘れた だけど ゴメンも言わずに つまらぬ言い訳ごっこ 空は春 時は今 幸せですと言わんばかり だけど 二人の心は ちぎれ雲 (He was late and I forgot my ring But we don't say sorry, we make boring excuses, And the sky keeps saying that we're happy now in spring but our hearts are torn apart by clouds) 恋はファニー・フィーリング かまわず回る 恋はファニー・フィーリング 慣れっ子 だけど (Love revolves around funny feelings, but love is used to funny feelings) 彼は口笛吹きながら 私 ため息つきながら 通り過ぎる 街角 小鳥の歌だけ響く (He was whistling, I pass by with a sigh, Only the song of a small bird echoes on the street corner) いろんなことが あったけど みんないい思い出ばかり だから ここらでピリオド それがいい (A lot has happened, but we all have only good memories, So it's good to have the end around here) 恋はファニー・フィーリング 手を振りながら 恋はファニー・フィーリング 深刻ぶらず 歌いながら 笑ってサヨナラするわ オー ファニー オー ファニー ファニ ファニ オー フィーリング オー ファニー オー ファニー ファニ ファニ オー フィーリング (Love is a funny feeling, while waving, Love is a funny feeling, don't take it seriously, I'll laugh and say goodbye while singing Oh Funny Oh Funny Funny funny oh feeling Oh Funny Oh Funny Funny funny oh feeling)

In a goal to subside the loneliness and longing to feel proper love, Griddlebone moves through relationships over time to find the elusive 'love' she believes is out there. Scared of getting too involved with someone she holds minimal emotion for, she breaks off any connection before feelings develop from the other party, and plays it off as something lighthearted.

Despite her efforts, she cannot find someone who fulfills her inside the way she thinks love should be.

Track Four: 宮原芽映 (Mebae Miyahara) – 悪魔のように微笑んで (Smiling Like A Devil)

罠をしかけ待ってるん 悪魔のように 微笑んで (I'm setting a trap up and waiting for you, smiling like a devil) さあ ドアを 叩いて ドアを ひらいて (Come on, knock on the door, open the door) 泣きまねの 電話 かけて 街灯り 胸はずませ (I made a phone call imitating crying, and the street lights made my heart flutter) あの人を 呼び出したの (I called that person) 数えては 時間をかせぐ (Counting the time to buy myself some) 優しさを 言い訳して 赤い血が 流れる前に (Kindness, before I make excuses and red blood flows) 嘘をつく ずるいあなた 忘れてよ あの娘の事は (Forget about lying You're so cunning about that girl) 罠をしかけ待ってるん 悪魔のように 微笑んで (I'm setting a trap up and waiting for you, smiling like a devil) さあ ドアを 叩いて ドアを ひらいて (Come on, knock on the door, open the door) 待つだけの 女なんて さよならよ 今夜こそは (Say goodbye to the woman who only waits, tonight) 愛の 糸 足にからませ あの人を もう逃がさない (I'll let the thread of love entwine around my legs and never let that person slip away again) 罠をしかけ待ってるん 悪魔のように 微笑んで (I'm setting a trap up and waiting for you, smiling like a devil) さあ ドアを 叩いて ドアを ひらいて (Come on, knock on the door, open the door)

A new connection with someone shows promise, but she discovers that her partner is a cheater, something that hurts Griddlebone in a way that she has not experienced before. Not used to being treated as a second thought, and feeling like she is not worthy of love if made so inconsequential, she plots to destroy and expose her partner for what they have done to her.

All the joy and hope that she felt in locating a person that is right for her is now crushed, and she vows to not let herself be taken advantage of ever again in the pursuit of love.

Track Five: いしだあゆみ & ティン・パン・アレイ・ファミリ(Ayumi Ishida & Tin-Pan-Alley-Family) – 私自身 (Myself)

ひとりソファーに寝ころんで 恋の歌聞くでもなし 歌うでもなし (I lie alone on the sofa and listen to love songs, but I don't sing them) 私は日暮れを見つめています (I'm staring at the sunset) 部屋の窓には東京湾の 船の灯が小さく揺れて (In the window of the room, the lights of the ships in Tokyo Bay sway slightly) 一人ぐらしに疲れた時は 結婚なんか考えてます (When I get tired of living alone, I think about marriage) 夜汽車で旅に出る時は 色のない写真のように 素顔のままで 東京駅から出かけています (When I travel by night train, I leave Tokyo Station with my bare face, just like a colourless photograph) 幾度か恋にこの身を灼いて 歌を忘れた私だけれど (I have forgotten how to sing because my body has been burnt by love many times) 淋しさだけを心に積んで 今日もぽつんと歌っています (But today, I sing alone once again with only loneliness in my heart) くちづけ交す恋人にさえ 私の気持は言えないでしょう (I can't even tell my feelings to my lover who kisses me) 人に知られず流した涙 (The tears I shed without anyone knowing) 私は今日も歌っています････ (I'm still singing today...)

Moving on from her heartbreak, Griddlebone refrains from being involved with anyone else for a lengthy period of time, as that means she cannot be hurt once again. However, she cannot help but feel that the emptiness inside her continues to grow as time passes, even if she tries to remain strong willed. Her thinking is that she does not need anyone to sustain her happiness if she keeps the love she has to give tightly held internally.

Track Six: 麗美 (REIMY) – シャドー・ブレイ (Shadow Play)

淋しい笑顔と 言われるのに馴れても (Even if I get used to being told that my smile is lonely) 真夜中の鏡 覗けばつぶやくの (When I look into the mirror in the middle of the night, I whisper) Say, Love is the shadow play, shadow play Love is the shadow play 恋しても (Even if I fall in love) Love is the shadow play, shadow play, shadow play ひとりぼっちじゃ怖い (I'm scared of being alone) 街角の華やかさに 気がつけば急ぎ足 (If you notice the glamour on the street corner, hurry up) 片思いのままなら 恋も失くさず済むでしょう (If you keep your love unrequited, you won't lose your love) Say, Love is the shadow play, shadow play, shadow play Love is the shadow play, 密やかに (Secretly) Love is the shadow play, shadow play, shadow play 遠くあなた見てる (I'm watching you from afar) 気づかないで (Don't notice) darling 壊さないで (Don't break it) wow wow Love Love Love Love Love Love, darling, Love Love Love Love is the shadow play

Her loneliness begins to swell to a point of action, and Griddlebone cannot ignore it or remain dormant for much longer. She is unhappy being completely alone, and wants to feel any form of connection with another, but does not want to be hurt again.

Feeling unworthy of being loved due to her faults, her past pursuit of love becomes less of a task to complete and more of a buried burden she has to carry.

In order to protect herself from emotional suffering, she develops a cold façade to protect herself with.

Track Seven: 竹内まりや (Mariya Takeuchi) – プラスティック・ラブ (Plastic Love)

突然のキスや 熱いまなざしで (With a sudden kiss and a passionate gaze) 恋のプログラムを 狂わせないでね (Do not cause a malfunction to the love program) 出逢いと別れ 上手に打ち込んで (Type in encounters and separations well) 時間がくれば終わる (When the time comes, it ends) Don't hurry! 愛に傷ついた あの日からずっと (Since the day I was heartbroken, I've been having a life) 昼と夜が逆の 暮らしを続けて (That's been reversed between day and night) はやりのDiscoで 踊り明かすうちに (While dancing the nights away at the popular disco) おぼえた魔術なのよ (There is a magic I've learned) I'm sorry! わたしのことを決して 本気で愛さないで (Never love me seriously) 恋なんてただのゲーム 楽しめばそれでいいの (Love is just a game, all I need is to have fun with it) 閉ざした心を飾る 派手なドレスも靴も (The showy dresses and shoes decorating my closed heart) 孤独な友達 (Are my lonely friends) わたしを誘う人は 皮肉なものね いつも 彼に似てるわなぜか 思い出と重なり合う (The men who flirt with me are Ironically always similar to him for some reason My memories with him are overlapped) グラスを落として急に 涙ぐんでも わけは尋ねないでね (Don’t ask me why even if I drop my glass and suddenly glisten with tears) 夜更けの高速で 眠りにつくころ (When I fall asleep by the highway at dawn) ハロゲンライトだけ 妖しく輝く (Only halogen lights are mysteriously shining) 氷のように冷たい女だと ささやく声がしても (Although somebody is whispering that I’m an icy cold woman) Don't worry! I'm just playing games I know that's plastic love Dance to the plastic beat Another morning comes

Relationships become more of a pursuit of pleasure, rather than meaningful connection, for Griddlebone. A cycle of one night encounters to keep her company before the new day begins and she starts over again with someone new. Her self-worth starts to become tied with being seen as attractive and desirable by another person. She has convinced herself that this lifestyle will quell the void inside of her, although she knows in her heart that she is still painfully lonely. The isolation does not cease, no matter how many individuals she crosses path with.

Maybe one day she will not feel this way, but she believes it is her fault that everything turned out the way it has to this point.

Track Eight: 工藤順子 (Junko Kudo) – 夕顔姐さん (Ms. Yugao)

夕顔姐さん 部屋には 夏でもね (Yugao-san, even if it's summer in your room) こたつが置いてある 束ねたコードを つついてる 退屈な 白い猫が家族 (A bored white cat is pecking at the bundled cords next to the kotatsu table) 今夜のお座敷 長過ぎる いつもなら (The tatami room tonight is too long, as normal) 帰ってる時間 (Time to go home) お勝手の隅の 猫メシは 山盛りで (In the corner of the kitchen, there is a mountain of cat food) とても食べきれない (I can't eat it all) 明かりは点いてても 時計の音ばかり そろそろ聞こえて来る はずなのに (Even though the lights are on, all I can hear is the ticking of the clock) 夕顔姐さんの下駄の音 (The sound of Yugao-nee’s geta) 夕顔姐さんの下駄の音 (The sound of Yugao-nee’s geta) 夕顔姐さん 来年 数えでね 六十三になる (Yugao-san, I'll be turning 63 next year) 近頃男はダメだね 粋じゃない それが口ぐせです (Men are no good these days. It's not classy. That's what they say.) 衣ずれの裾は 萩の花 つい昨日 かけたパーマネント (The hem of my clothes was like a clover flower, a permanence that I wore just yesterday) 西に傾いた 大きな お月様 帰りを急がせる (The big moon leaning to the west hurries my return home) 浮かれ足の男 物欲し気な女 (A playful man, a wistful woman) 若いネオンの街に カラコロと (In a young neon city, colourfully) 夕顔姐さんの下駄の音 (The sound of Yugao-nee’s geta) 夕顔姐さんの下駄の音 (The sound of Yugao-nee’s geta) 細い路地に入ると 犬達が吠えだす 待ちくたびれた猫は夢で聞く (When I enter a narrow alley, the dogs start barking, and the tired cat hears it in a dream) 夕顔姐さんの下駄の音 (The sound of Yugao-nee’s geta) 夕顔姐さんの下駄の音 (The sound of Yugao-nee’s geta)

Years removed from the emotional low point of her life, the empty hedonism to fill the void inside her, Griddlebone has taken up residence with an older, single woman that has mirrored her own experiences in the search of love. The familiar sounds of geta beckon the arrival of her human home to Griddlebone, and her days are spent resting in the sun and keeping busy through the house, all while reminiscing of a past of incomplete love. She has become accustomed to a quiet, uneventful life where she is loved by Ms. Yugao as a sweet pet and taken care of like the beautiful Queen she is.

Still, there is an unshakable feeling that she has missed out on true love in her life, despite her current, content happiness.

Track Nine: Meow Meow & Thomas Lauderdale – Hotel Amour

Fun fact: Meow Meow played Griddlebone in the 2019 movie!

I looked for Love in the beautiful cities I looked for Love up in the air I looked underground though I knew that I shouldn't And still, no Love was anywhere I went to the place they call Heaven I went to the Hotel Amour I sat still and wrote Love some letters But Love doesn't read anymore I sang Love into my stories And I danced Love into my dreams But Love didn't find me Let alone blind me Love is nowhere it seems I looked for Love by pretending I wasn't I looked for Love close to the bone I fixed up some wings and I bought all the permits So Love could take flight when it was grown I followed the maps, I read all the signs I bought Love a building called "Home" I filled in the forms and I paid all the taxes Still, Love left me alone... My heart's still jumping out of my skin I've nothing to keep the feeling in I've nothing to do to make Love stay I've nothing to keep the darkness away You're all in the grandness of little things A leaf that's shaped like a heart A simple breeze, a feather Morning light, evening star And I'm singing to you my stories And I'm dancing with you in my dreams... Love... Love is everywhere... it seems

Throughout her life, Griddlebone has done everything she thought was correct to find and feel a form of love that made her feel complete, but could be deemed as unsuccessful in that pursuit.

Although it never manifested for her as love with another, she has felt the unconditional love of someone that cares for her as the most important thing in her life.

Looking back on her life now as a senior Queen, Griddlebone comes to a realization that love can now be found all around her. It was never her fault for not finding the idea of 'love' that she felt she needed, and there may never have been an instance where she felt that she had found the prize she was after, but love was always with her in the little things of life.

@the-cat-at-the-theatre-door I am not sure if you are still interested in these after all this time, but in case you are, enjoy :).

[david-watts]

cool. my m*ther has casually forgotten why I had to come with her and ditched me! this is going to go so well