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🌑 ☆ New Garden Path ☆ 🌑
another path winds through the garden a mirror archive of my poetry, hosted on WritersCafe.
❀ step gently: https://www.writerscafe.org/GardensDaughter
this is another garden path my poetry, growing in a different corner of the internet, for those who prefer a quieter reading space, or simply want to watch the garden grow in new soil.
#the garden’s daughter#garden signage#mirror archive#writerscafe#poetry blog#external path#quiet garden#new soil#softness and structure#off tumblr#gentle posts#another path#the garden expands
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Maybe we never had a chance.
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#a-yuan#Ultimately...despite how hard we try to reach people - sometimes it just is not possible.#Sometimes all you can do is wish that things could have been different. You pen a note with all the things you want to say -#and then you let it go. The words stay unsent and unspoken. You just watch the rift between you grow until you're too far away to try again#It is a sad end! It is two people who want to be closer but do not have the right capacity to do anything but shut doors.#Worse yet; it's two people who feel it is not their place to try and impose anything more.#It takes so long to heal from endings like that. You never get enough closure when there is still a faint hope of 'another day'.#It's a false amicability. It's closing a door and telling yourself that at least the windows are unlocked.#WWX will keep up his friendliness as a way to hold LWJ at a distance. LWJ can only try to help so many times.#Speaking of tragedies of trying to help; Let's talk about the addiction metaphors in this episode.#WWX tells LWJ in fairly straightforward terms that he does not *want* do be doing ghost cultivation.#What he wants is to protect people - by any means necessary. If he had another option he would take it.#The path WWX 'chose' is one that is deeply mired in external shame and taboo. He jokes about it but it clearly doesn't feel great.#And I put 'chose' in quotes because just like many who find them selves in bad situations - the choice is an illusion.#He's adamant that this is 'his' choice. That he is in control.#Better to be villainized that endure the terrifying reality that you lack any ability to have choice anymore.#If he had the choice - truly had the choice - he would not be doing this.#You can't help those who don't want to be helped. So of course all LWJ can do is watch from the side. Offer a hand when he can.#This life was a tragedy and the countdown to it all blowing up started a long time ago...
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while literally every other plant in my garden has been Struggling---given that the weather has been cold and rainy for most all of May---the cilantro took this opportunity to bust out like crazy. So we're making cilantro pesto because dehydrators cost too much and at least I can freeze the pesto.
#also I finished my family's christmas presents. yes I know it's about 6 months too early.#so I have chosen the extremely brave path of: rather than confront the vague panic I feel#at the idea that I'm suddenly without An External Goal; I thought to myself:#''well they might not be the best crafts I can make. better do more. in case.''#so that's where we're at right now.#celestial emporium of benevolent knowledge
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--^ bitch who needs therapy but refuses to acknowledge that
#OOC *#i think therapy and unraveling all of his insecurities about being perfect#and that it is ok to NOT be perfect and galar would still love him as a fallible human#would put leon onto the right sort of healing path#would it fix him right away? no! therapy isnt a magic fix-all#but external acknowledgement over the voices in his head saying that he has done Enough...#he needs that
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I'm soooooo normal.
#path of night podcast#pon meme#i feel like mr krabs give it up for day 13#its CRIMINAL i will be watching minions or smth when the episode drops#CRIM 👏 IN👏 AL 👏#tomorrow all the screaming will be external
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I do not think Sisko would have killed Tuvix but I also do not think Janeway would have dirty bombed that colony.
#i am thinking about them and the difference in their morality#i think janeway could run ds9 but it would not be ds9 anymore it would be a sterile federation base#and i think sisko could survive the trek home through the delta quadrant but by the end it would be starfleet only in name#janeway leans heavily towards assimilation and i think being in contact with the rest of starfleet would worsen this by reinforcing it#whereas in isolation she is constantly getting pushback from the marquis and the delta quadrant natives#and is forced to genuinely take these things into consideration#sisko on the other hand would go off the rails extremely quickly because he has a strong internal morality and i think he might#take it too far if not occasionally being forced to reign it in by external forces like bajor and the federation higher ups.#also they would never make it home because sisko would be intent on meddling and helping everyone they crossed paths with /pos#ds9#voyager
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Recentering the story on Albert really changes the whole thing on a fundamental level I don't think I understood the first time I watched Gankutsuou. Because it's not about Edmond and Edmond's vengeance anymore. It's about the Count doing to Albert what was done to him.
I hated the duel the first time I watched it, because it's one of my favorite scenes in the book and they change everything and make it worse. But it's because the story is about Albert, so the character that dies to change the trajectory of the story can't be Édouard anymore, it has to be someone Albert cares about. And changing the duel is one of the easiest ways to get this to happen.
It still tears down everything I loved about the original, but I get it.
#gankutsuou: the count of monte cristo#gankutsuou#gankutsuou spoilers#in the end i think Gankutsuou fails to satisfactorily resolve the threads of the novel's plot with their story's new focus.#but i do love the aesthetic.#also while I think the idea of externalizing Edmond's desire for vengeance as Gankutsuou was a really creative decision#Edmond ultimately failing to renounce his quest means that you didn't understand the part of the book where he DOES turn from that path#and choose love instead#lol maybe I need more distance from the story to analyze it properly#because I do find it fascinating to see how a Japanese design team interprets an old French story
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Weird nonsense I might not end up writing: a version of Kal that never met Marcus shows up to Kal and Marcus' house, thinking he's either been sold or rented out for a modeling session. Not!Kal is the same age as Kal but had a harder life and ended up much more like Lodee, and he's absolutely pissed to find the version of Kal who got an 'easier' life and Kal is pissed to be confronted with this version of himself that isn't the carefully constructed facade he wants to think of himself as. I'm not sure if I'm going to write this because I've already written several versions of Marcus meeting different versions of Kal, and I'm not sure what I've got different for this besides Not!Kal trying to seduce Marcus and Kal getting so mad about it he slaps Not!Kal.
#like Lodee and Aurelius are already basically different future paths not taken for Kal so I don't have a whole lot else to say about that#but with finishing up such slow recognition I've been thinking a lot about Kal hating himself#so why not externalize!#kal#marcus
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big epiphany you guys. big. huge.
#cliffnotes for context: smute almost finish masters. smute think oh‚ maybe phd not crazy wacko shit‚ maybe i can try#but smute also low self esteem. with any small setback - smute think oh what is point. smute bound to fail#problem is: smute genuine self doubt = smute quotidian frustration#ok normal english now#so thats what i realized today. a lot of the ''small'' things i dream of (financial independence‚ a nice little apartment etc) are#expressions of some low level frustration with my nomadic broke student life#rather than genuine desires. and as dumb or as#duh#obvious as that may sound rn#its actually huge for me that i was able to recognize the difference today#this question of what i will do after i graduate has been haunting me for the past year#and i am now realizing that a lot of my own arguments have nothing to do with what i want#just because they're things i don't currently have doesn't mean they would be fulfilling#and#again. duh.#but like. between this debilitating self doubt and certain external pressures 🤨 it was hard to see the difference#anyway i basically just explored some alternative scenarios today#like specific scenarios. went on indeed found some really good stuff and tried to imagine my life a year from now if i took this or that jo#and the end result was that i fucking hated it. they were all great options on paper but the takeaway was that i would never forgive myself#if i didnt give this a try. if i prioritized some vague notion of independence or this idea of ''settling down'' or whatever the fuck#over the one thing that ive got going for me#like i still don't know if the academic path will be any more fulfilling than some other job#god knows my entire academic career so far has been an insane uphill battle. but it's also been so fucking rewarding. like nothing else#and i also still dont know how genuine this wish is#if it's not maybe still about proving myself to some imaginary authority#but like. how long can you psychoanalyze yourself before your goddamn head explodes#no matter how pure my motivation is im beginning to understand that i dont want this to be the end of the road#and maybe that's enough#&#note to self
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you know what? i'm gonna say it. i miss being seventeen. not for the "glory days," bc they weren't, by a country mile lol. if i had glory days i'd say they were in 2020. but i miss the electricity, the constant undercurrent of euphoria and deep plunging black. i miss the fight i had. i was literally known for being scrappy. i was self-destructive and coping poorly, but goddamn if i didn't burn bright and long. it took me until my twenties to finally start to fizzle out. does the candle with its wax melted down to the base of its glass cage miss when the wick was lit?
#she bork#it's not even that i'm tired of fighting necessarily. clearly. if i was i wouldn't miss it. i think i miss being ABLE to fight. now i just#don't feel like i have the grit i used to have. i'm not sure if it's bc i'm healthier mentally or bc my energy has just dissipated over time#but i miss taking hit after hit (metaphorically) and wiping the blood from my lip and standing again and raising my fists. i don't do that#anymore. and again even if it's bc i'm healthier i'm not sure it's a good thing that that stubbornness and grit is gone. is it automatically#better to seek the path of least resistance? i'm not sure.#maybe it's learned helplessness? idk i mean logically one person can only suffer so much before they learn it's better not to fight or that#fighting isn't even always possible. but i've always struggled. i've always gone head-first into these things and white-knuckled it and made#it through even if only w self-violence (which was often remarked upon as self-discipline). now i feel like i just flounder and flop and cry#like a fish w a wailing voice on the dock as it loses its breath. i really do think it's partially bc i'm sane now but somewhere inside me#that crazy flame still dances. and ik that bc from time to time i still feel the heat against the sides of the glass. maybe it's a lack of#confidence. maybe it's that ik now that it's impossible to hate yourself into a different better shape (both physically and mentally). but#it was so exciting to try. if i'm miserable regardless i'd at least rather be having fun.#furthermore it could also be that my chaos is no longer external. a lot of what i have going on is internal/physical and it's a daily thing.#fighting daily is a lot harder than fighting through my shitty relationship or that one season of volleyball that destroyed me mentally lol#(ik that sounds ridiculous but it was pretty fucking bad). i'm no longer fighting against other people or external circumstances that i feel#a need to prove myself against. i'm fighting my own body which has proven a tougher match than anticipated. bc how can i? i live here. i#cannot will my body to function. i can swim against the currents of my illness and often do. but that's less glamorous than punching walls#and running for miles like i used to. i want to break a hand. i want to run three miles in half an hour. i want to doll myself up for a#dance and spend the whole night driving w the windows down strung out on a cocktail of cortisol and dopamine. i want to live in the eye of#the hurricane again. and i never will. and it's good but i think it's made me soft.
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I was curious if anything uploaded to social media was truly removed if you were to delete it and it doesn't look like it. Plus so many TOS are like "we can do whatever we want with your stuff when you upload kthx."
So it's like...deleting a Tumblr will probably do nothing if they sell all their data to an AI company. That data could still be in their servers.
We're all just SOL. :/
#anti ai#the path forward is probably to keep posting but use glaze and nightshade#or link to something external like a personal website#but who really wants to deal with that#i feel like not using socmed is not an option#like even a freaking mailing list is at risk because those companies can sell your data
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sad to report i've gotten to that scene in succession & thus have to induct it into the larger ada wong cinematic canon
#* file // : OOC — ( 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑'𝐒 𝐂𝐑𝐔𝐒𝐀𝐃𝐄 . )#this scene specifically not succession as a whole though i am always a fan of portraying the inherit pathetic-ness of the rich & powerful#making ada a mother is my worst & most inspired decision (nobody does it like me)#kind of plagues me how good of a plotline it really is#burdening her with the guilt of project ada without implying her fault or participation#(since her campaign is spent as you the player and her figure out answers none of the other characters are given)#(the reason she was down this path is because she was investigating the family in the first cutscene of her campaign)#(as her own words say after wesker's death her focus moved onto simmons as he was the next obstacle towards her true purpose)#it allows ada to evolve as a character past her selfishness & need for self-sufficiency/autonomy#& it does tie a nice knot between her last appearance in 6 & my verse for her role during village#something that feels like a personal ending for ada & yet her story goes on as the world isn't done with her quite yet#where she goes after village i haven't yet decided but i do think the BSAA is no longer an obstacle to consider in her movements#in the eight years of her exile the family itself loses its grip on the US government due to internal investigations into simmons' conduct#while he was replaced i assume the new leader is a bit too young & malleable to external forces beyond the family's interest#& the resulting power struggle is another nail in their coffin#she has some freedom#& seeing the desperation in herself through ethan & miranda to reunite with their children does make her consider what to do with it#she's past the halfway point of her life with someone to care for & the decision to settle is less daunting twice over#we'll see - i suppose
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y'know. i don't often hate the way my brain is and how difficult it makes certain things for me.
i do a little today though.
#i'm probably going to feel this way the rest of the week#got some Stressful Stuff on my plate - none of it is world ending no matter what my brain thinks#but it's stressful and needs to get done#we already took care of One of the big major things just today because i was having a breakdown about it#because peeks threw up on my favorite shirt after having thrown up all over my bed yesterday and i'm like#she does this when there's a lot of change and stress going on and we've just moved and also we're attempting peace negotiations between he#and Solaire and it's. y'know. hampered by the fact that she's poorly socialized and both of them are dumb as rocks#and so she's stressed out because of the myriad of changes happening to her#and i'm stressed out because she's stressed out PLUS all the other bureaucratic nonsense i have in my brain#AND there's external stress in my foundkin (we're workshopping ways i can integrate the Family Label to apply to folks who weren't terrible#to me when i was a child) and it's just like#i had a really good day yesterday#i've been having pretty good days in general and i knew the crash would come and i knew that i'd get stressed about these things to the max#and that's. like. I know the science and paths behind how we got here#but i also hate that i'm here in this mindset with these things and i also cannot do the laundry myself after all#first because stairs are not always conquerable (they are Exceptionally Not For Me as of yesterday to the point where i'm going to have to#limit myself to the bathroom that doesn't have 2 stairs down to it even if it's closer in the moment)#and second because i ABHOR the texture of tide pods but i cannot deny that they are useful and so much easier to use/keep tidy#than a jug of Cleaning Goo is#so like. i'm embarrassed that all my bedding needs washing and i'm embarrassed that my shirt needs washing#and i'm embarrassed that i make dirty clothes in general and i *am* getting over that#it's slow but the fact that physically laundry is not a task i can complete on the wet side of things#(i still really enjoy the process of folding and sorting though i don't get around to it quickly)#but like. this is one of the reasons why i get freaked out about the fact that i create laundry that needs doing#even if it's not actually my fault (i'm trying very hard to remember it's not my fault the cat threw up on my clothes#and them being put away would have meant she probably would have thrown up on something else that needed to be cleaned#like the bed for example - i cannot put my whole bed away so she doesn't throw up on it)#becuase i feel like i'm burdening someone else to do a whole bunch of work for *me* and i can't do anything in return#(as if i haven't been very deliberately trying to keep up with the dishes daily this whole week so i don't feel like i contribute nothing t#the household)
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I keep seeing these around, so Tumblr, have a character sheet of no context. Guy who doesn't vote and has been to Burning Man twice.

#yk if you minus the lives I took from the lives I saved as both a hero and a nurse#and reveals his identity and confesses#it's still very much not in the negatives#actually I will give context this is one of the characters from my story/verse called Hero's Reputation#this is Austin and by the last of the “present day” settings he has been on trial for about a year with#he is accused of many murders through his job as an ICU nurse over several decades#he sees himself as justified but can't tell anyone why because secret identity#but eventually cracks because he's so frustrated how he's being judged without this massive justification of saving billions of lives#his justification is very much#plus the “I mean I saved their lives in world ending event number n so it's not murder as such it's equivalent to just not saving them”#no Austin that's not how it works plus you murdered two people before you got superpowers#but one of the main parts of the verse is dealing with the media/state/public/internal/political fallout of this reveal#especially as it's the first hero/vigilante identity reveal ever#it's both external factors and how internal politics and factions and relations change and how it upsets the status quo#and how it changes paths the internal factions and overall group were already moving to#also featuring:#Wren - who just wants everything to be over#or people to stop recognising her#or become invisible or something#Indrii - made the wrong choice of gym bro twenty something years ago#Paige - is a PGL (or American equivalent) instructor in a no-capes au#Amy - tells people it's short for Amelia#Gianna and Ben - only other named characters so far but they exist. have vague personalities. but they're just there for now it#whoops some of the tags got out of order and now I can't fix them
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The Energetic Sovereignty of the Natural Telepath
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#Energetic sovereignty and Protecting your telepathic gift#Following your own path as a telepath#How telepaths can protect their abilities from manipulation#How to strengthen natural telepathic abilities without external influence#The dangers of institutionalized telepathy and remote viewing#The hidden risks of guided meditations and telepathy programs#The power of solitude for telepaths#The truth about telepathy#Why natural telepaths should avoid structured remote viewing#Why privacy is essential for natural telepaths
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There's only one simple hack of never feeling old and that is to keep up your testosterone levels. Exercise, diet, sleep, sex - it must be a package, the wholesome method of uniting the element of mind, body & soul...
Random Xpressions
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