#fart noises at myself

[kev-smell-my-fart]

woe.. the(odore) noises are plentiful!!!

[wimbledon2008]

many books may try to be captive prince but there's only one c.s. pacat

[alteredsilicone]

started writing a lil fic because of one dialogue i had in my mind

and now i completely forgot what it was......

stupid me should have written the dialogue and then write around it

whatever, abandoned story it is

[gorescreamingshow]

kiika's route in gss is my fav but goddd. the poop. no matter what i will just never find it sexy

[rainingmbappe]

Guys what if I don't become a hot rich doctor??????? My only other options are disappointment and running a carnival with a gazillion monkeys and a blind guy

[mrbexwrites]

Guys, I really need to come up with a title for my current WIP. I can’t keep referring to it as ‘current WIP’. The working title that has been rolling about in my head for a couple of days is ‘Blood Harmony’, but...I dunno. I need to think some more and see if anything else comes to mind. I’m nearly at 20k, so you’d think by now, I’d have more of an idea of what to call it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[bcneheaded]

hello good morning (afternoon) I am!! going to try to be here today actually. I tried last night but passed the fucky out bc ya boys been EXHAUSTED but!! I'm gonna be focusing on trying to finish the vagrant's blog i think for now. idk what I'll be doing with him or how but hgdfugfd that is the fun of playing with him. uwu get to flesh him out more <3

[laikahh]

[suedoodle]

Home again! It was lovely trip and much fun was had, I already miss my friend and exploring the city; hoping to visit again next year. Our main event however was going to Collect-a-Con! We had planned this months ago, got all dressed up and hit the con floor with a mission.

And I succeeded! I got Charles Martinet's autograph 🌟. We saw he was going to be there, so months ago I decided to do a watercolor of an older sketch that had all the boys for him to sign. He even wrote the catchphrases for all the characters while doing their voices ✍️ Mario goes "WooHoo!!!" Luigi goes "HoHo!!!" Baby Bros go "Weee!!!" Waluigi goes "WA!" Wario goes "YA Ho!!" Ptttttttt -fart noises* It was magical, he was very nice to me.

Oh boy, the con adventure was so much fun. I had a list of cards I wanted and we spent hours hunting them down. (Then I get home and see I STILL have gaps in my collection, of course 🤣) Most we were able to find! Others we could not... and it wasn't that they weren't there, just that they were waaaaaaaaaaaayyy out of my budget. Like the fabled Mario Pika and Luigi Pika cards. Oh man, they are expensive. But at least I got to see them in real life.

The closest thing I'll ever get to owning one is if I make 'em myself 😆☝️ But yeah, good times were had.

[angelsknifeprty]

streamer!ellie hcs ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

a/n: this is more focused on ellie and less on ellie x reader but i am for sure gonna follow this up with something else more focused on the both of you >:3

warnings | mentions of weed, the smallest hint towards struggling with eating if you squint

word count: 698

do not buy tlou | ways to help palestine | operation olive branch | keep eyes on sudan | haiti’s history | learn about congo

𐙚 ‧₊˚ ⋅

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ started off posting unlisted videos of her playing games with the stupidest, shittiest editing ever for you and her friends to watch and later decided to give streaming a try

‎ ‧₊˚౨ৎ starts off her twitch channel as a faceless streamer but does a face reveal when she hits a big milestone

‧₊˚౨ৎ has the creeper mini fridge for sure!!

‧₊˚౨ৎ has a ginger cat named garfield that she exclusively calls garfunkel on stream because her viewers made fun of her for garfield being too unoriginal

“guys, what do you mean it’s unoriginal, look at him. that’s literally garfield, the real deal. you’re all haters.”

‧₊˚౨ৎ plays a bunch of different games: minecraft obviously, fortnite, roblox (and argues with kids on there, you can’t tell me any different). also loves fnaf, elder scrolls and resident evil

‧₊˚౨ৎ more on her liking resident evil, i think she’s not super wimpy when it comes to games like that but she HATES the regenerators from the re4 remake (i’m totally not projecting…)

“i am NOT a wimp, but look at their freaky fucking arms!! and they have gross little butts too, that was not a necessary choice for the character design.”

‧₊˚౨ৎ she does find it funny when she kills them and they jiggle as they fall on the ground though

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ i’m throwing it in here that she smokes weed because i simply cannot help myself teehee :P

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ she does more chill streams of her eating n stuff as a way of comforting her viewers so they can eat along with her )):

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ and in turn chat always spams her with comments to drink water because that girl survives purely on energy drinks to combat her sleepy girl syndrome

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ abuses the soundboard so heavily, loves using a sound effect of an audience clapping and cheering when she tells the most painfully unfunny joke

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ she is ABSOLUTELY a jerma985 fan

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ loves putting her fans on blast and reacting to edits of her on stream and finds it so funny (especially the ones that have the reverb fart noise just randomly slapped in there, she thinks it’s peak humour)

“you guys think i don’t see this stuff? i have eyes everywhere. y’know what though, you guys are actually really talented.”

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ wears stupid t-shirts that say stuff like “i paused my game to be here” (omg i just found one that says “gamers make better lovers, they know all the right buttons” she would absolutely wear that)

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ she wears her silly t-shirts with pride and has the audacity to ask chat to rate how hard her fit goes

therealher0brine: BOOOOOO 🍅🍅🍅 0/10

elliebellie69: i beg that you don’t leave the house in that /lh  (╥﹏╥)

gnarpgnarp500: never beating the loser lesbian allegations i fear…

“guys you’re just not seeing the vision, sorry that you’re not this cool.”

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ oh my gosh she is OBSESSED with the little ikea alien, she has multiple of them in her room. she keeps one on her desk and when she sometimes doesn’t know what to say she’ll just hold it up super close to the camera and make incoherent high pitched babbling sounds

smelliams420: omg cancelled you can’t say that dude…

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ gets her viewers to send in clips and she’ll do high try not to laugh streams and fails miserably because she has the dumbest sense of humour ever. she’ll blame it entirely on the herb though as if her reaction wouldn’t be near enough the same when she’s sober

‧₊˚౨ৎ will occasionally play guitar on stream and she’ll sing too if you catch her in the right mood. she’s a bit awkward about it so it doesn’t happen often cuz she hates messing up and always makes a way bigger deal about it than necessary

“fuck- no wait, i was just messing with you. that fuck up was on purpose, shut up,” and her cheeks are flushed bright red as she tries to brush it off and compose herself before trying again

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ loves to get sidetracked and info dumps about stuff she is far too knowledgeable on

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ in conclusion, loser ellie supremacy

a/n: raghhh i love streamer els with my whole heart !!! i’m gonna eat her (˶˃⤙˂˶) anyways i hope you enjoyed, k bye mwah! >3< ♡

[seat-safety-switch]

Have you ever painted a car? My uncle used to say that you should never take up any hobby that requires you to have a special room dedicated just to it. Paint booths definitely qualify, but you can't really listen to what he says: that hypocrite didn't exactly install his toilet in the middle of his living room. I just use the gas station.

No, painting a car is one of the great experiences in our life. If you do everything right, real painters will tell you, then your car will turn out pretty nice. Unfortunately, one of those "everythings" is "have twenty years of professional experience doing this every day." The rest of us have to tolerate a widely variable amount of crappy outcomes.

Runs, bugs caught in the goop, dirt, stray dogs running by and farting on your stuff. Everything bad is going to happen to you, and the first-time painter is going to get all worked up about it. I get all worked up about it, despite my total lack of perfectionism in every other aspect of automobile ownership, which is why I use a special technique.

Have you ever bought a car from a bad previous owner? Yeah, we all have. Dudes (and it's almost exclusively dudes) who do bad mods. Poorly-done repairs. Strange noises and rattles. Torn interiors. Questionable wiring. And: bad paint. All I have to do is close my eyes (this actually improves the quality) and pretend that some other dipshit is the one painting the car.

Then I immediately put it in the back of my property and forget about it for a year, year and a half. By the time I go to dig it out, I've convinced myself that I bought it like that, and any imperfections no longer bother me because it's some other asshole's fault. I strongly recommend you try this, even if you only have room in your backyard for a mere four or six cars. They do make tarps, after all, and you can reuse them as drop cloths when you try to paint wheels in your bathroom.

[thelampisaflashlight]

Dew, fresh from the shower: "Mount, I can't use the shared bathroom in the dorms anymore." Mountain, looking up from his phone: "Hm?" Dew, leaning against the doorframe: "Went to go tell the others I was getting in the shower so they could go in before me if they needed to pee or whatever, and you know what happened, Mount? You know what happened to me?" Mountain, sitting up: "...What happened?" Dew, pinching the bridge of his nose: "I went to go tell them, and I took two steps towards the living room and let out the loudest goddamned fart of my fucking life. Shit fucking echoed off the walls, and just when I thought, 'Fuck, this can't get any worse-' I let it rip again, Mount, and this wasn't a little pfft, this was a cartoon ass explosion level fart..." Mountain, trying not to laugh: "O-Oh?" Dew, pressing his forehead against the wall: "Mount, I was like, 'I'm gonna take a shower.' and Swiss said, 'What, you shit yourself, dude?' and I didn't even have time to defend myself before Aether started in on his, 'You ate cheese again, didn't you-' lecture, and YEAH! Yeah, I ate cheese, but goddammit-" Swiss, from the hall: "I'm surprised that little ass could produce so much noise!" Dew, leaving the room: "Motherfucker, I- Hold on." -closes the door- "When I get my hands on you-"

[alteredsilicone]

coworker asking me about my phd and im just going uhhh and ahhh bc im cringe (thumbsup)

[ransackedpotato3]

“Wanna have a holding contest?” Adaya asked her friend after they both revealed they were desperate to go. “200$. I’m an expert at holding my poo i-“ Adayas friend yelled as she was interrupted by a deep fart.

“Deal.” Adaya replied, “My asshole might be the strongest in the world… just letting you know.”

They sit in silence for a minute

“This is boring” Adaya mumbles before her friend suddenly lunges towards her and shoves her hand into her stomach. The sudden change in pressure causes Adaya to release a 10 second torrent of gas uncontrollably as she tries to resist her friends pushing pressure. They grunt and moan at the physical altercation as Adaya retaliates by pushing into her friend’s stomach. “You’re a copycat!” Her friend yells out over loud flatulence coming from both of them that progressively get wetter and wetter.

Eventually, as the farts as short and wet as they could get, they both yanked back into their seats, their arms occupied holding their stomachs and pushing back at the sloppy solid logs of shit that they were turtle-heading simultaneously. Their pants were definitely stained completely, but neither had fully messed themselves. They both stared at each other with determination, all their strength being used to keep their assholes closed.

After a few seconds of desperate holding, Adaya suddenly has a horrible cramp. “Can’t do much with a strong asshole if you have a weak stomach!” Adayas friend exclaims as Adaya groans in pain. “You okay?” She asks as Adaya leans forward in an attempt to ease the pain. Leaning forward only made it worse… “we should go in the building and find you a bathroom” at this point Adaya was tuning her friends voice out.

Adaya leans back from her position, removes her occupied arms from her ass and stomach, inhales deeply, exhales deeply, (the position of the photo above from her friends pov) as a huge girthy sloppy torrent of shit slowly makes its way out her asshole, slamming into the back of her jeans making an appalling squelch sound. Her friend watches wide eyed as it happens.

“Adaya?” She asks. But for half a minute she gets nothing in response but the squishing wet sounds of a thick slimy log sliding out of her friend as she strains at the sheer bulkyness of the load.

The single log developed a baseball sized bulge in Adayas right jeans when it finished as she elevated herself from her seat to prevent it from squishing. She signals her finish by resuming her breathing, she wasn’t doing so while it was coming out. “I’m gonna… go to the bathroom.” Adaya’s friend says, lost for words as she opens the car door. “No, if I’m gonna shit myself, you will too.” Adaya responds grabbing her by the arm and forcing her back into her seat.

“You’re the one who wanted to do the challen-“ she’s cut off by Adaya shoving her palm into her stomach, making the turtlehead pop out like a rocket, quickly forcing its way out into her pants. Adayas friend has a softer less girthy mushier load, but she shits her guts out in only a second, making her ass feel like it’s on fire. It squishes all over and fills all around her buttcrack to top to bottom, back to front.

They both sit silently, jaws dropped by the awe inspiringly loud noise it made, until Adaya gets shoved back into her seat by her friends, squishing her large load all over her pants in a similar matter. “So much for strongest asshole in the world. You got mad that I won.”

Don’t feel like finishing tsts

[corvid-language-library]

Honestly I'm mad at myself for not doing this recording off Youtube/shadowing thing earlier, this is a much more efficient way to learn grammar, vocab and natural speech than just watching a video, writing some notes, pinning them around the house and then ignoring them because I have ADHD and they become background noise within 10 minutes.

Like I definitely get some weird looks when I'm just there in like the supermarket repeating shit like "I couldn't help but laugh because my boss farted" and "it's getting dark, so let's go home" and "if you don't mind, let's exchange contact details" slowly to myself while like staring at cartons of pineapple but also I'm pretty confident I can use those sentence patterns without trouble now. And if I forget them I can just put them on repeat while I walk to the konbini instead of trying to find the time to sit down and rewatch a video.

[lostbetweenvampiresandmusic]

10 & 11 with Paul please?

10. So apparently we have a vampire in the attic?

11. "I am not going to rob a hospital so you can drink blood."

--------------------------

With a sigh, I closed the trunk, carrying the final box inside the house my best friend and I just bought. It had been an absolute steal - an old wooden house that was well taken care of for only a hundred thousand dollars. Amy and I had found it rather suspicious that a house this big would go for such little money, but miss Emerson had assured us that she wanted to sell it to some folks who would love the house as much as she once did.

So, knowing we had to move to be able to work around Santa Carla - Amy in the hospital and me at a dispatch centre - we decided to just take the deal. It was good. The place was awesome. We had enough space to live together, but we could also definitely have our own spaces.

"Was that it?" Amy asked as she stood in the kitchen, unpacking some of the supplies we'd brought along. I chuckled as I saw an "old fart" sign inside the fridge as she opened it.

"Yeah. I'm putting it upstairs, we can decide on rooms later. Is it okay if we do take out tonight?"

Amy nodded, handing me a leaflet - but as she realised I couldn't exactly take it from her, she put it on top of the box I was holding. As I walked upstairs, I couldn't help but feel that this was exactly right. No more big city drama, no more crazy things happening at the job. Just an easy live, in a calm and quiet town.

After calling the local pizza parlour for our order, Amy and I spent the rest of the night unpacking. We had decided on rooms, her taking the bigger one since her shifts were irregular, and she would need to wake up earlier - or come back later. That way, she could do so without worrying about the noise. Besides, the room I'd picked was nice as well. It had a walk-in closet of sorts and a big spacious window looking out on the grassland outside.

The next two days we spent like that, unpacking, decorating, organising - and in those two days the house began to feel like a home. I smiled as Amy left to go to work, enjoying the fact I'd have the house to myself that evening. Yesterday, we found the attic, and I had been planning on getting all our Christmas decorations and other stuff up there.

There weren't many boxes that had to go up there, but it took me a while to get them there. When I got up the attic with the last box, I tripped over some loose planks, stumbled forward and was about to drop the box when-

"Here, let me take that from you."

I screamed as a guy took the box from my hands, pushing me back into balance.

"Who the fuck are you?!"

"I live here."

"Who are you?!" I had grabbed an old, plastic Christmas topper and held it in my hand as if it were a knife. It was a pathetic weapon, but it was all I had at the moment. The guy was blocking the exit.

"I'm Paul."

"Okay, Paul," I said his name, not sure if it truly belonged to him, "I need you to get out of my attic."

"Eh- yeah, I can't do that."

"And why not?"

"Did Lucy give you the house papers?"

"Miss Emerson? Yeah, she did. Why?"

"You got the house. Not the attic."

"Then why weren't you downstairs in the past three days, hm? What, you're just creeping up here watching us sleep or something?"

He laughed - he actually laughed at what I had just said. "Why would I do that? Sleeping humans are lame, you know that!"

"Humans?"

"Yeah, it's what you are, right?"

"And you're not?" I asked him, even though I absolutely wondered how ridiculous this conversation would get. Surely he was just as much human as I was?

"No."

Shit.

"Then what are you?"

"Vampire."

Double shit. I looked at him, at the Christmas topper in my hand, and I shook my head.

"Listen, I don't know what you're on, but I'd advise you to get clean, alright? I'll look through the papers, and if what you're saying is right, the attick is yours. You're not invited into the rest of the house."

I didn't know if vampires worked that way, but if he truly was a vampire, not inviting him seemed like a good idea, right?

"There's no reason to be scared." He said as he saw me walk towards the wooden steps. He had moved aside, standing in a beam of light coming from outside.

"We just bought a house with a strange guy living in the attic. Excuse me if I am not totally relaxed right now."

"You know my name, and what I am. I mean, if you want me to not be a strange guy you could get to know me."

"No."

I was halfway down the steps.

"I don't even know your name!" He called after me, but I ignored him, looking for the papers he'd mentioned. I found them in the kitchen drawer, and sear he'd through them to find anything about the attic.

The attic belongs to Mr. Paul, who has chosen not to use a last name. He is allowed to live in the attic as long as he meets the following conditions:

1. He promises not to harm any of the living staying in this house.

2. He won't bring any of his victims in or near the house.

3. Nor will he clean up evidence of his feedings inside the house.

4. If present or future residents ask him to leave the attic, he can only do so if they have provided him with another sun-free location.

Mr. Paul has proven himself to be a vampire but has agreed to the terms and conditions in this contract in order to heal from his injuries sustained in an accident back in 1987.

I sighed as I dropped the papers. These were legal. Fucking legal papers talking about a vampire? Living in our - I picked up the phone and dialed Amy.

"What's up?"

"So apparently we have a vampire in the attic?"

"What?!"

"Yes. Exactly."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah? I mean, he didn't hurt me or anything but-"

"Is he for real? Like - vampires?"

"I don't know? The papers say so."

"What papers?" Amy asked.

"The contract, you know, the ones we signed to buy this place."

"Shit, I knew we should gave read through them."

"Yeah," I sighed. "But we can't evict him, and by law he's bound by rules like not to kill us or to bring kills home or evidence of kills..."

"But if what he's saying is true, we're living with a vampire?"

"Yeah."

"Alright," Amy sounded a little light-headed, "I think I'm going to hang up and faint for a bit, alright?"

"Amy? Amy?!" But I got no response. I hung up the phone, and decided to go back upstairs. If he really was a vampire, I needed proof. Also, if he really was a vampire living with two humans, I needed to know more about him.

"So, I found the papers."

"Good!" Paul sat on the ground, a joint in his hand. "So, whats up?"

"I need proof."

"What more do you need? Those papers are-"

"Not about you owning the attic, but about the whole vampire thing." I looked at him. "It sounds far fetched."

He grinned, and within seconds his kind - what? - face had turned demonic. His face had sharpened, his eyes turned an orange so bright it seemed to glow, his teeth razor sharp.

"Shit."

"You've got nothing to worry about!" He grinned as he morphed back. "I have made a vow to not hurt any living being in this house."

"But if you're hungry and we are outside?"

"Depends on the kind of roommates you are."

I paled, realising that if he was serious, this could also be a very serious problem.

"So, ehm, if we were to stay here, you know - and live with you - is there anything we need to be aware of?"

"I've got all I need up here, basically. But, if you want to be kind, I could do with some bloodbags."

"And how would I get those?" I mean, of course I knew how to get them, but no way would I ever do that.

"Just rob the hospital."

"I am not going to rob a hospital so you can drink blood."

"You could ask your friend, she works there, right?"

"I'm not asking Amy to steal blood for you!"

With a pout, he looked at me. "Then you leave me no choice but to eat you."

"I know where you sleep. I will fucking stake you if you even think about it."

"I was kidding!" He said quickly - too quickly if you asked me. Suddenly it clicked.

"Wait, you - someone staked you?"

He shook his head. "No, my best friend. He died before my eyes."

"Sorry."

He sighed. "We wanted revenge, you know. Eye for an eye, and that kind of thing. Dwayne got electrocuted. He burned up the minute that arrow hit him. David survived initially, not being staked through the heart, but when the Emersons found out, they laid him out in the sun to burn."

"How did you survive?" I asked quietly.

"I didn't. A dog pushed me into a tub with holy water, and I practically exploded. There were pieces of me everywhere. Lucy was the one to clean everything up, and as she had a bucket filled with pieces of me, she accidentally cut herself. Her blood started to heal me. Little by little, she fed me some blood, and after almost a year, I was back to my old self. She kept me here so the sun wouldn't get to me, and her sons wouldn't find out."

"You're welcome to stay here," I said softly. "And if you promise not to bite either me or Amy, you're also welcome to hang out downstairs if you want."

He has a soft smile on his face.

"We won't do any blood deliveries, but I am willing to cook for three."

"Deal."

I smiled, taking his outstretched hand. "Well then, nice to meet you, Paul."