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kristie-rp · 6 years ago

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Promise

Triggers: Suicide mention, drug mention, overdose mention, prostitution, gun mention, kidnapping

“I’ll take care of you,” she had promised. She can’t regret the oath, but she does regret what it drove her to, the desperate need to prove she could keep the promise.

Kara gets into prostitution because her little brother is eleven when the last of their parents vanish. She is seventeen, and she knows enough to be aware that the big motivator in Blacklight is money, and when her dad ran out, this is what happens: there’s no point trying to force a payment from a man with his head barely above water. She knows without a body being found that he is dead. Kara has her savings, her college fund, and that’s it. It’s not enough for two kids to live off, and her part-time job at a clothing store isn’t going to keep them afloat, and no one she wants her brother anywhere near is going to hire an eleven year old.

So – so she starts to prostitute herself, an amateur working cheap by Blacklight standards. She learns how much to charge without drawing complaints, she learns how to balance senior year and ‘work’, and she learns that many clients will pay more for the thrill of her being so much younger than the average whore. Enable a fetish and the cash goes up, enough to pay for school, for food, for a roof. At eighteen she gets sole custody of Lionel, legally, without complaint. She fucks the judge to get it through quick, once they get caught by the system.

She spends too long in the bathroom, driving the water bill up and up and scrubbing her skin raw in an attempt to get clean. Lionel is twelve, and she’s learned enough now to know how to draw lines, how to enforce them without losing clients. He knows what she does, he knows how much she hates it, but she doesn’t bring her work home and he can’t complain, however much he might want to.

Eighteen is when the pimp for her district finds out about her working solo, cutting into his profits. Eighteen is when Craig gets his hands on her, and really, he’s not so bad, except taking off some of her profits. She explains to him her situation, barely thinking it’ll work but convinced it’s worth a try – and he listens. He gives her specific times to work, promises he’ll take only ten percent, a fixed rate. It’s – it’s not good, but it’s not bad, she’s got repeat clients who are sleazier than Craig.

And then Faust finds out about her.

“So you’re the infamous Caramel,” are his first words to her.

She’s standing as still as she knows how, wearing something revealing beneath a heavy, cheap coat. She’s going for allure, even though she’s just a little too far from curvy for the effect to work as she intends; this is her ‘uniform’, what she wears when she’s out during the hours Craig assigns.

“I’m whoever you need me to be, baby,” she says. Her voice is a rasp, quiet, but not subdued. There is a confidence in her tone that many whores have lost by the end of their first year – but she cannot afford to become less of a person, not with Lionel at home depending on her, not with so many people willing to take advantage of her.

Faust circles like a vulture, and she knows she is being judged. She keeps her eyes partially shut, as though heavily lidded, and watches him with pursed lips painted in a discounted dark pink. He’s not actually that old at this point, though definitely older than her – she guesses him to be around thirty, much younger than her year-dead father. He’s not bad looking, either. It won’t be a struggle to act like she likes it when he inevitably goes down on her, even if what follows is her usual routine of scathing hot water and too-long in the shower, worrying a brother who is getting more and more withdrawn in turn.

“I’ll pay you triple,” he says at last, “to stay overnight. I get twenty-five percent of your cut from clients who aren’t me.”

Kara raises a brow at him. “Craig might have something to say about that.” She doesn’t say that this is a rip off, that she’s not going to jump ship from her fantastic deal just because he offers better pay to start

Faust’s smile is soft, but there’s something in his eyes that stands out to her – something dangerous. Something that tells her this man is not a nice man, as if she hadn’t guessed from an awareness of who he is. “Craig can’t say much once he’s dead.”

Her blood runs cold, but she steps closer to him. He doesn’t back down; she runs a hand up his chest and grips the gaudy tie he is wearing, something only a Blacklight local would like. She doesn’t smile, but she peers at him from beneath the fake eyelashes she is wearing only for this meeting. The effect is that she is playing coy, with any luck. “Whatever you say, boss,” she breathes, and drags him down to kiss her.

She can never pick out individual moments of her time with Faust, not in hindsight. It’s either a self-defence mechanism or a consequence of everything blurring together.

After that first meeting with her, he puts a pimp, loyal to him and more obedient than Craig proved to be, in charge of the whores. The new pimp is an asshole in every way except physically; he does not do anything that might bruise. But the verbal and psychological, the demeaning, the ripping off all of them – Kara is the only one whose cut never changes, because she is not afraid to talk money with Faust, and she talked him into writing up a contract that means he takes a profit from her, not the new pimp, and only a set amount. It’s not good, and for the first time she wonders if maybe things with Craig were better than she thought – and those drained her of everything she had.

If she believed in gods, this would be about where she’d start praying.

She comes home the day of her brothers fourteenth birthday with a little cake and a spring in her step, for once. Faust has promised her the weekend off, written it into another contract in what she knows is both a power play and a source of amusement for him; his little whore with her obsession with promises being kept. She doesn’t care that he mocks her for this, because promises are the only thing she can keep.

“Hey, Li? You home?”

The front door is locked, but not deadlocked; she knows he is. He’s good at keeping safe, good at following rules a lot of people in Blacklight take for granted or ignore. Kara smiles to herself: it’s a Friday, and she doesn’t have to do any work until Monday, and this is going to be a weekend just for her and Lionel. She’s got some money stowed away, enough that they can rent a car – dads being long since gone – and get out of Blacklight, just for the weekend. Never has she been happier her brother is a summer born child; they can go somewhere with a pool, or somewhere on the sea. They haven’t seen it since the summer before their dad was killed, and it’s finally time – in her opinion – to move on.

The house is quiet, though. She figures Lionel has earphones in, because the budget ones that came with his phone are the best sound system they have. He saved for ages to get that thing, scrounging together the change from Kara sending him grocery shopping and the neighbours paying him to pay the lawn until he could afford a Nokia and a memory card, the better to store music on. He loves his music, and his dream is to go to a concert; there aren’t any on this year that he’s interested in, or she would be taking him to it. “Boys and their toys,” she murmurs to herself, fond. She’s been busy, forced to work more lately by Faust and the twenty-five percent, and she’s been looking forward to this for ages, both for the company of Lionel, and for herself. Too much Blacklight breaks people, after all.

She sticks some candles in the little cake, lights them and heads into the further reaches of the apartment. It’s a shoebox, but she can make rent more often than not, and they each have their own rooms, for better or worse. She starts humming the timeless classic in her usual almost-croak, long since over how a husky voice does not lend itself well to singing. Still, she sings anyway, a loud “Happy birthday to you,” that cuts off as she drops the cake in the doorway.

Lionel is collapsed on the floor, and she only prevents a fire because her bare foot stamps out the candles before the ancient carpet can catch fire. Her panic blocks out the stab of pain, and she dives to her knees beside her little brother, feeling for a pulse before grasping for his phone, dropped on a stack of pamphlets, dialling emergency services because it’s that or nothing, and she can’t handle doing nothing.

The paramedics ask her more questions than she can answer. Oh, she can answer the standard lot – medical insurance, none; patients name, Lionel Darcy St Claire; patients age, fourteen; patients date of birth, today; emergency contact, Kara St Claire – but when they ask her if he’s been showing symptoms of anything, she cannot answer. “I work a lot,” she explains, but it feels feeble to her ears, and she feels judged for this more than anything else.

Their weekend away turns into a weekend in the hospital, and the money she has saved to make the weekend worth more than most is set aside for hospital bills. Kara spends Friday night sitting vigil at his bedside, Saturday with her head in her hands and shoulders hunched, and Sunday is when someone finally decides to tell her what’s going on. There’s an excess of something in his system – something that usually results from an overdose of opioids , of painkillers.

“There weren’t any pills anywhere near him,” she says, something nagging at the back of her mind.

The doctor gives a tight smile, sympathy heavy in his eyes. “It can take a week or longer for the overdose to show any observable effects to others, especially if he’s trying to hide them,” he informs her. “This isn’t your fault,” he says, “but his liver is shutting down. Chances are that there’s nothing you could’ve done – we’ve had a lot of suicides lately. It’s unlikely that he will last out the week.”

It’s not reassuring, not at all. She gives the doctor a look that says as much, then closes her eyes. She wants to cry, but she hasn’t done that, not in years, teardrops burning away from the inside out under scalding hot water. She hears the doctor leave, but she stays there, still, with her brother and the beeping of the machines that are, apparently, doing nothing but delaying the inevitable.

She falls asleep in the armchair beside the bed, curled in on herself as though having any more warmth will make this all go away. When her phone winks onto standby after she has fallen asleep, it closes on a Google search result, the top few links showing they’ve been clicked.

is cremation cheaper than burial blacklight usa

Lionel, it turns out, has been having a much harder time than she has been aware. She reaches out to the boy she remembers as his best friend, and it is only herself, him, his sister, and two former classmates who liked having Lionel paired with them for group work come to the pathetic service she holds. She doesn’t believe in god or gods, never has, and while Lionel liked the idea of the comfort divine answers might bring, he didn’t believe either. So she can’t bring herself to hire some religious man to preach something she doesn’t believe, even if it might make the sting any less painful.

She leads the lot of them to the roof of the shoebox apartment she doesn’t need any longer but can’t bring herself to leave, high above the second-storey place she manages to afford. It’s a hideous rooftop, but the building itself is nine storeys, and the view isn’t awful. There’s a barbecue and some cushions discarded up here, an esky that’s more often empty than not, and on afternoons when Kara didn’t have to work and he found himself in the mood, they would sit up here and talk about nothing and everything.

It’s the place most attached to him that brings the least amount of pain, now.

“Don’t you want to say something? In his memory, or something?” the friend asks, when they’re standing there with the urn that holds all that remains of her brothers body. His name is Alex; he’s the most harmless person Kara knows, now. Certainly the most naive and the most delusional. His parents are moving the family to New Brightside, on the other side of Port Lyndon to Blacklight, before the end of the year, chasing job opportunities they’re lucky to have been offered. Kara cannot resent them for their escape, because she hates this city, this city that breaks the people who least deserve it; but she can add them leaving to the list of reasons she has started to write up about

Everything Kara wants to say has been said already, to a brother trapped in a medically induced coma until his liver finally gave out, because Blacklight is no different to America and doesn’t allow euthanasia.

“I remember,” she says quietly, “the summer before mom died. Li – Lionel was four. He was turning four, four years old, can you imagine? And he was – he was so damn happy. I was ten, I thought I was so damn cool, and I really, really wasn’t.

“We went to the coast for a long weekend, I think Independence Day fell on a Monday that year. And there were these teenagers there, probably – probably as old as you guys are now. Thirteen, fourteen, not old at all. I thought they were the most amazing people I’d ever met, and I was such a jackass to Li on the first day, wanting to impress them. Then, on that night, we had this little family campfire, just the four of us, and dad gave me this lecture about not being mean to my brother, about how it was my responsibility to look after him. About how I’d regret not being nice, sooner or later.

“And Lionel, he just – he got up and he sat next to me and he interrupted dad, this four year old, and he says, dead serious, ‘Kara just wanted new friends’. He didn’t hold a grudge at all, it hadn’t even upset him that I was such a – a selfish person. And I know, I know kids don’t understand that at all, they’d never see it as selfish, but usually, you know, the fact that they’re four gets to them first, and they’re all ‘my way is the only way’. But Lionel,” and she laughs faintly, bitterly, fondly; “Lionel just – skipped that stage. And it didn’t change. It never started.

“Blacklight needs more people like that,” she finished, swallowing, choking on the emotion welling up in her throat.

The service ends with everyone sad, the only dry eye Kara’s, and only because she forces it. She’s still clutching the urn, though she plans on emptying it. It’s useless to her, just another thing to decorate the apartment, but it feels more important than that. After all, it’s her little brother in her arms. So she shuts down the thoughts that have been driving her crazy, the ones insisting a pot of ash shouldn’t mean anything, that an unmarked grave would be worth more to her.

But it’s Lionel. He’s all she’s had for three years now, he’s the reason she’s a lower class citizen, and she promised she’d take care of him. She swore.

I’ve never broken a promise before, she thinks, and then flinches from the thought, closes her eyes to it, refuses to acknowledge it again.

She’s got work, anyway. This – this debate can wait.

Kara is three months from her twenty-first birthday when she finds out she’s pregnant.

It isn’t much of a discovery, really. It’s actually impressive it hasn’t happened sooner – she’s heard horror stories of clients and pimps sabotaging others’ birth control, which is why she takes her prescribed pills meticulously, always made sure she has a supply even when money gets tight. That’s something that doesn’t happen much, not anymore, she’s even got savings.

And, apparently, a child on the way.

Maybe I should consider those god things again, she thinks as she wraps and dumps the test. It’d certainly explain the number of things that are fucking with me.

Still – still. She’s been alone for long enough that a bastard child sounds like a good idea, or at least one she doesn’t want to dismiss out of hand. She puts a lot of thought into the technicalities, makes lists and checks them twice.

In reality, her mind is made up the second that little plus sign shows up – the planning comes with the knowledge that a whore isn’t going to make the kind of mother she wants to be.

“You have a daughter,” is what the midwife says, smiling warmly at Kara. Kara is exhausted, feels sweat soaked and disgusting, and there are textbooks at home she is supposed to be revising, unable to take time off even for this – she’s taken advantage of the break from whoring (“Can’t very well have you giving birth in the middle of a good fuck,” he had insisted, which was crass but meant she got time off from wor) to pick up the business course she found in the pamphlets in her brothers’ room, all those years ago. “Would you like to hold her?”

“Please,” Kara says immediately, tired and almost pleading, reaching for the infant. The midwife laughs, more open and affectionate than anyone Kara has spent time with in a long time, and gently arranges the baby in her arms.

“Have you decided on a name for her, yet?”

Kara hums. She’s staring at her new child, at her family, wonder in her wide green eyes. The baby has blonde hair on her head, like Kara’s, and her eyes, for the moment, are shut as she doses. She’s a beautiful little girl, bundled into the blanket and onesie the maternity ward provides. Kara is absolutely certain she’s never going to make anything this perfect again, and immediately feels immensely guilty that she’s stuck picking up on the whoring again just as soon as Faust tires of her sabbatical. All the more reason to finish this business course, to pick up on dreams she had back in high school, that, apparently, Lionel remembered in the week before he succumbed to his suicide attempt.

(She still doesn’t know what caused it, or what she missed, if she could have stopped it. She constantly faces what-ifs and dreams and nightmares of possibilities, subconscious images so realistic she wakes up waiting to tell Lionel about it – and then the memories hit and she curls back up, chokes back the emotion, refuses the tears she still hasn’t shed. But what-ifs are useless and the past cannot be changed: Blacklight breaks people. She has known this all her life.)

“Darcy Artemis St Claire,” she answers the midwife at last, leaning down to kiss her little girls forehead. Darcy feels right, which she didn’t expect, but it just – it suits the person in her arms, belongs to her in a way Kara has heard some mothers’ say is possible, but didn’t believe. The midwife says something about paperwork and vanishes to find it, pulling the crib over so Kara can put her baby to bed, if she chooses.

When she’s alone with Darcy, Kara presses her lips to the top of her babies’ head yet again. “You’re going to be brilliant,” she murmurs, almost silent. “You’re not going to have a life like mine. I’ll never let you feel alone, I promise. You’re never going to have to swear yourself to – to someone like Faust or Craig or anyone else. I swear, Darcy. We don’t know each other well yet, but we will, and it is going to be fantastic. I promise you.”

She should learn to keep her mouth shut.

Darcy opens her eyes more and more, and there’s something familiar in them. It’s only once Kara is forced to go back to work, cajoling the elderly neighbour into caring for Darcy for the few hours she has to be gone, that she figures it out.

She’s lying in bed with Faust, waiting for him to tell her she can get out, go home, collect her pay direct to a bank account she always transfers the money straight out of, when it comes to her. Darcy doesn’t have her eyes, but they’ve always been familiar. Kara has a lot of regulars, people she’s seen since coming back to work.

“She’s got your eyes,” she blurts without thinking, and immediately starts cursing herself out internally, more than she usually does. She promised Darcy she’d never owe herself to someone like Faust, and here she is, piquing his curiosity.

“I’m not giving you alimony. Keep your bastard child away from me,” he instructs.

She immediately wants to leap to her daughters defence, but she stops herself. She doesn’t want him in Darcy’s life, after all – she promised Darcy, and she’s never going to know that this one time, Kara didn’t defend her. “I don’t want your hush money,” she snaps, getting out from the bed he fucked her in.

She feels dirty, but that’s normal, after any time spent with Faust at all – any time spent working at all. She’s almost finished her course, though, and then she can work on starting a store, the way she wanted to as a teen. She’s almost out. Finally.

Kara isn’t exactly counting down the days, but she is closer to relieved than she’s felt for a long time.

“What’s this I hear,” Faust says, speaking very slowly, “about you studying?”

He says it like it’s a dirty word, but it’s Kara who is alarmed. She’s got a contract with him that doesn’t say it, but everyone knows that once Faust has you, you don’t get out. The contract doesn’t say it, but everyone knows the rules: no studying, no betterment of yourself, no terminating your employment. Whores get out only once they’re too old to be appealing, businesspeople get out when they can payout more than Faust thinks they are worth, mercs don’t get out.

The exception is when they get dead.

Who told you, is the first question on her tongue, but she doesn’t ask. Even if he answers, it won’t do her any good. “It doesn’t say anything in my contract about me not being allowed to pursue other uses of my time, as long as it doesn’t impact my earnings. It hasn’t, therefore, you have no reason to be like this.” She folds her arms over her chest, the better to hide her fisted hands.

He laughs, long and loud and cruel. “Your contract means nothing. I maintain the terms because it amuses me, but if you are betraying me, Caramel, then you need to be punished. You’re nothing more than a particularly pretty slut, spreading your legs for whatever cash you can get your hands on.”

Kara hates that name, but she freezes, and cannot move. He raises a hand and two men come in, along with a woman she’s barely aware of, some other whore, one of the older ones – one of the broken ones.

“Do it,” he instructs.

The men get between the two women, but it’s the woman who catches Kara’s attention. She’s tiny and hunched and doesn’t have an ounce of confidence in her movements – and she’s walking right for the room where Darcy is sleeping.

“What are you doing?” Kara exclaims, lunging forward. One of the men grab her wrist, the better to prevent her from moving.

“You want to take one of my toys away?” Faust sneers. Kara has never wanted to attack him as much as she does now. “I will take yours. After all, she’s half mine, isn’t she? What was it you said – she has my eyes.”

In the other room, the woman must have picked up Darcy; the baby starts to cry. There are quiet shushing sounds, but they don’t work – Kara and the neighbour are the only people who can get her to be quiet, once she starts crying. Kara doesn’t know if it’s a temperament thing or what, but she doesn’t mind, not as long as she can get there to stop it. “No,” she gasps, then repeats it louder, wrenching out of the grip of the lackey, “No! Don’t you dare, don’t even think about it, I’ll – I’ll go to the police, or I’ll hire someone to get you, Faust, just watch me – get off me – don’t touch her!”

The last shout comes from the older whore showing the wailing infant to Faust. And – yes, okay, he’s the source of the sperm that made Darcy possible, but he’s not her father, and he looks at the baby as though she is some new plaything. Figures, Kara will think later, but for now, she is too panicked, too defensive, too amped up to do anything. “Stop that,” he tells Darcy, but if anything it only makes her cry louder. He rolls his eyes and dismisses both the whore and the baby with a wave of his hand, and Kara is reminded again of how offended she was, when she realised who made her daughter possible. “You, too. Stop it,” he orders, not even looking at the crying child. “The police won’t act against me, and no one you could find would dare go against me. I own this city, I own you, and now, I own your daughter.”

“Fuck you, Faust,” she spits, tugging ineffectually against the grip of the merc. One of them shifts behind her, not that she can see it, and lifts something. Faust nods in front of her, and she opens her mouth to keep protesting, to keep yelling, to talk sense into the man who is kidnapping a baby he wanted nothing to do with less than a year ago.

Only something soft goes over her mouth and nose, muffling her shouts, and when she inhales the air is sickly sweet. Her eyes go wider, and she’s at once disgusted and horrified and incensed, but it doesn’t mean anything. After all – she isn’t immune to chloroform.

His words are a premonition:

The police do nothing. He has half a claim on a child, and if she can’t keep it safe from one little home invader, clearly she isn’t fit for custody, and less than a tenth of the police force in Blacklight aren’t in Faust’s pocket –

She can’t hire anyone to help. She doesn’t have the money, and she doesn’t trust the sort of people she could hire, and one in maybe every two hundred residents of Blacklight would maybe consider doing something that will piss off Faust –

There’s no one who will volunteer to help. She knows people who might not like Faust’s methods, but they are quiet and constrained and won’t act against him, and she couldn’t ask them to anyway, not without becoming as bad as him (which, honestly, wouldn’t be that bad, if she got her baby back) –

His words are a challenge:

He says he owns her, but she refuses to be owned by someone who no longer has anything over her. He took her daughter, and she’s not powerful enough to right the wrong, not yet –

But he can’t do anything worse to her now, so why should she listen to a word he says?

“Y’know,” X says. He’s a hulking figure, leaning against the glass cabinet she’s fixing the display of, completely at home in the meticulously kept almost-open store. “when we met, I didn’t think you’d end up at this point.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, common whore – no offence – to the owner of a gun store? It’s almost a 180.”

Kara snorts, because that’s the best she can offer while she’s got her hands on an engraved Colt. She rests it gently on the cushion and slides the drawer shut, locking it tight before she looks up at him. “Says the guy who gave me the idea in the first place.”

“You were at a gun show, of course that’s why I thought you were there. It’s that or you’re a gun bunny.”

“That’s not a thing,” she says drily, because he’s been trying to make it a thing at least as long as she’s known him. He hasn’t succeeded, not yet. She’s not going to let him – at least, not around her. Not on her corner of this cesspool.

“It’s totally a thing.”

She scoffs hard enough that her throat feels raw, and almost chokes on nothing. He pushes the bottle of water on the counter towards her, raises a brow at her. “Thanks,” she says, once she’s got it down without coughing anything up.

“Don’t mention it,” he says. Then it’s his turn to laugh, and roll his eyes. “I have no idea what you’re thanking me for.”

There are a lot of things. She met X at a dark point in her life, and while things haven’t gotten any lighter, she still constantly feels as though she owes him. “Closing your shop to come help me open, obviously,” she says, but it’s only one of a much longer list.

He knows. The smile he gives her is soft, and he leans across the counter to tap her nose. “You’re going to figure it all out,” he says, “I know it.”

She manages a smile back at him. It’s hard to believe – but it means the world that he does already. Apparently, it’s just what friends do – and she’s been missing out.

#kristie's writing #kwriting #kristie writes #kwrites #ft. kara #ft. faust #ft. lionel #ft. darcy #ft. x

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kf14wxbw-blog · 6 years ago

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calvinlepesh · 6 years ago

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Interpret how u please but know it saved my mind and soul.

SUMMARYWe have primitive speech in comparison to aliens/ superior being/s/ {Our God self]DONT FUCKING READ THIS IF U ARENT OPEN MINDED! DEADASS FUCKING SERIOUS UR GONNA MISS OUT.to become open minded you must have some form of empathy. Some form meaning you must have to have either the almost perfect understanding empathy based on your ability to place yourself in somebody elses position along with all of their past tramas, what they just fucking ate, basically whatever relevant to the situation apparent or not. I.E do I help this guy for gas hes asking the clerk hes begging he says hes got no money has to get home to his family. seems like a good dude. not making a fuss. being very nice about it. I paid for his fucking gas. Thats good energy right there. sent away and returned in ways that probably already occured but I don't reconize them as a direct result from helping. If you did what you thought was right or whatever you wanted to do actually. Which is what you're going to do anyways cause thats what you fucking decieded you wanted yourself to do. So if this doesn't hit you like it hits most people and myself included. Then just close the book and call me insane. If being insane is living content in my beliefs and my tommorow during the today but with passion for the future. then im fucking insane. Because thats what my program has done for me Truly search for good and if it isn't what you want to spend your time trying to help or doesnt concern you. You weren't meant to be concerened by it and thats okay because it will concern someone else at the right time. etc considered and making a choice based off of critical information secured from a display of empathy. If you cant show empathy practice please fucking practice before you continue reading. Actually idgaf you do you. Your life do what you desire.Speech is used to manifest things into reality of time. Typically faster if done consistently. Tested and proved. By many. My barber for example. little over 7 months ago living in a 1 bed room dumb girlfriend cat and hes cutting hair in his kitchen. The entire time throughout the year hes telling me about this house hes getting his own very first house brand fucking new completely taylored to him. He told me saying Lep yeah my mom is helping me buy a house and get my career moving finally. After long periods of being told to basically fuck off his mom basically has a change of heart randomly. Hes got a 3 bedroom house. A barber room with checkered floot. 3 tvs niceass fucking interior furniture hes painting the house and has done many renovations over the last few months of him having this house. Just returning there earlier tonight actually I had walked in and had to check if he changed the paint in his front room again! Truly He doesn't even realize it completely. Hes almost so dumb hes smart. in a sense that being happy is being smart. He isn't stupid tho. My barber is on some of the same shit I am. Some. thats a different story tho. The point is he talked to me everytime he cut my hair for 6 month. Not just me I know for certain. He would talk motherfuckers ears off im sure they hated it. Honestly I hadn't been enlightened at this point. I fucking hated it. OMg yeah we fucking get it bro u want checkered floors. So many motherfuckers are talking nowadays. But do they always talk the same shiteveryday? Ill say it again. Do you talk about the same thing everysingle day? Do you talk to someone every single day? I don' t even have to ask what or why you do it. You're doing it because you have the desire of the company of that person. or their opinion, Whatever they have of value or beneficially or mutually beneficially to you or both. My barber talked about all the cool shit he was gonna do with his house. Having a pit bike track in the back. making a fire bit. building a deck. Making a TV back drop out of stained wood stained nailed and cut by him and I. Painted the entire house. CHECKERED FLOORS MOTHERFUCKERS. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO is MANIFEST IT IN YOUR LIFE. The sooner you start talking about and creating this lifestyle and figuring out how you're going to do it one day at a time. Talk to the person ur nervous to talk to. If they fall in love with you. THATS FUCKING KICKASS. if he thinks u dont belong in his universe right now understand thats a huge fucking positive in your life. Now you can live in this moment in time and know in this moment in time that it isn't happening because if it isn't meant to happen yet if at all. For all you know you could meet him in 5 years and get married have 3 kids live happily ever after. Straight the fuck up! Right now im consistently talking to a girl i had the hugest crush on but never did anything about it. WHY DIDN'T I DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. CAUSE HOW FUCKING AWKWARD WOULD IT HAVE BEEN in minnesota when im visiiting and havent been home for christmas in 5 years that we just so happen to go get breakfest at a taveren like wtf? and its where she works serving. Top it off while we are walking in I see the sign of the place and reconize it from an instagram post that she posted and I had liked and inturn she liked my picture. whatever not important. all im trying to say is the future is 100% unpredictable in every sense. but at the same time it will be 100% guarenteed with my mindset program if applied properly. You never know tomorrow and that may scare you but what if you already had chosen what happens tomorrow long before anything existed? Do you trust your own judgement? The best part is you dont even have to trust your own judgement. YOU DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU DONT WANT TO DO. But sometimes doing them is what you're meant to do typically for your benefit anyways, if not its a punishment, and if it isn't your benefit its somebody elses and they may or may not know that you're the direct cause. you may or may not know ever. But I believe that when we die we are enlightened and are shown the purpose to life. whether a test or a simulation. multiple tests inside one another or something uncomprehensible to myself or anyone. But thats different. What I do know is that a key to a good life Is a good mindset. Choose the mindset of I'm the shit. Cause I am, Cause I decieded I am, Im good fucking looking, People may call you a slut or whore but honestly it may be disgusting a little bit but they're probably jealous of all the hot people you've been with. Or even the fact ur getting laid. most single people hate on girls anyway. aint no boy in a nice healthy relationship talking shit on females and if he is he probably likes u and is trying to hide it. anyways besides the point. You need to develop something you say to yourself {I recommend} outloud {especially for getting started} whether written or set as an alarm for your phone ur background to your phone it could be a picture with a completely hidden message behind it. just associate something or have something that has things you know deep down in your soul you need to say to yourself. For example for me, Ive always been sensitive, still am a lot less than I was alot, But over time After being outcasted from my family at 15 being legally kiddnapped, and broken down on all aspects of self with many failed although maybe not completely failed attempts at bettering myself to the way that works for normies or the purposefully chosen people to be uneducated of the power of speech. They were esentially taking me in at 15 with a metaphorical emotionally broken leg. { ie i hate myself and im a bad person i dont give a fuck and i just want to die cause i dont understand the world} that was my attitude ie the broken metaphorical leg that I came into the school but for the sake of this metaphor this hospital with. However pretend in our metaphor the break in my leg is un noticeable. if ur slow as fuck just know the broken leg is a metaphor for my fucked up thinking. The hospitol or treatment center/school I was at cant fix my leg without me telling them my leg is broken. Now they knew something is wrong or else I wouldnt be there. Many claim at that hospital upon recent arrival that there's been a mistake and they don't need to be there. many times I laughed with everyone else at group along with the director Parker. Parker I believe knows alot about this but would never share with the group for possiblities of the kids claiming they're being brain washed or told to believe such things without an adult or atleast enlightened soul and mind these practices may sound slightly lucritive. Anyway back to the story. Metaphorically I tried many times to dodge and weave around questions asked in therapy sometimes even hamming it up to seem cool because of how insecure I was. trying to seek acceptance from my therapist lmfao very dark times. Which got darker with small light at the end of the tunnel. Thats the thing about parker he never took away full hope and if he did he had a good reason for doing so. I completely trust his judgement even to this day. Lying to ur therapist or even if they think you're lying to your therapist which usually they're right. The only reason they were ever wrong with me lying was because the decision was made based on previous situations of past lies. Lied before you'll lie again? possibly. Anyway, the darkness brought upon u metaphorically and almost not was the wall/work crew. ADAYONTHEWALL In a way this is tramatic but it almost shouldnt be. It was trautic because I put myself there many times. Purposefully yes in a sense but not the living sense. I wanted to be the perfect student at Liahona. Be the leader everyone looked up to. Be the family fucking leader. But I literally just was to immature and weak in all aspects. Too much so to do any of those things. Now that I think back the beauty of it Is I did eventually get all of those things. Because I manifested them. I desired both with my words and the vibes my words created in my body that the universe recieved. My body had translated what I wrote in my daily evals every night at Liahona. I attended Liahona for 711 days. 9 Days short from 2 years. The program is 9 months long. Back to the main subject. The wall. 6 am wake the fuck up. HEADCOUUUUUNT!!!. Big ass motherfucking dude named Quando shouts it at the top of his lungs. LMFAO pretty funny to think but this guy would scare the shit out of new kids in the mornings. shouting out of their beds. I definitely woke up thats for sure. The whole facility of 50-60 boys come out of there room pretty much as fast as possible although groggily everyone dressed in the same navy blue shorts and grey liahona t-shit tucked into our gym shorts with either white black or grey solid socks. No designs or wild shit. All the rules at Liahona were created over the years it had transitioned from an old house to the facility to the newer facility. Everything from tuck in ur chair at all times to. turn off the lights when you leave a room. Hundred of rules probably around over a thousand actually. I hated it off the bat but what was I gonna do? anyway. After everyone lines up in a U- formation with quando standing in the open portion of the U. He would say the same things every morning. Almost as if he was designed to say the same or relatively the same thing. One thing was for sure the message was clear every morning. Go back to your rooms Today is a new day its a beautiful day make your beds and start studying your quote or doing whatever you're aloud to do until you go for the morning run and breakfest. Now quado probably used a great deal more broken english being from the pacific islands one of em sorry dont actually know. anyways. we dismiss. or atleast. everybody else does. perusual here I am. I sit down in my LIFETIME costco chair sitting mere inches from the head of my twin mattress. I will now sit in this chair for the remainder of the day unless instructed or allowed otherwise. 6-7 morning shift arrives. Can't look away. I think to myself staring at the wall. The desire to look is bad but even the thought of having to write another 300 word essay although they've become easy now, pointless to get one for something so easily avoidable. putting my elbows on my knees I duck my head do as If to pretend im studying the quote (a passage of around 100 words- alot of fucking words that must be memorized in full word for word straight the fuck up and recited to either a very trusted upper level or staff member who will tell you when you mess up and must stop and either use one of 2 hints allowed by parker to figure out whatever word u forgot or fail and take a 300 word essay, However if the quote is failed to be passed off before friday then your points for that week will be cut into half basically prolonging your stay to an extent given points are used to determine not in full but definitely play a large part in even the opportunity of you being recommended to get your next level Ie the quote is very important, very difficult, and I fucking hated it so fucking much you have no idea, Fuck the fucking stupid fucking quote. Parker is smart for the fact that he knows theres got to be something that seems and may possibly be a punishment that is time consuming and benefits those who work harder and faster destroying room for socialism. Basically parker created the quote to see who the fuck is really trying and how hard. Based on when you pass off the quote, If you pass off the quote, and how long of the quote is and whats in the quote. Parker can determine your loyalty to the program and therefore your recovery) Sitting in my chair and ducking my head between my armpits I can finally look around in a small area on each side of my body without getting too ballsy. This is my entertainment for the remainder of the day. Besides playing with my hand/feet. Tapping my feet/hand. looking at the US map{ and sometimes if they put u on the other wall or farther down you got the south america map. To this day can name the south american countries for the most part in alphabetical order. Crazylol. I can do the states right now. anyways. } Eating Oats and water with 2 of the gnarliest fucking red delicious apples every fucking morning. YO WHERE DID U FIND THOSE FUCKING APPLES MARK AND WHOEVER THE FUCK SHOPPED? jesus christ. Still don't eat red delicious apples THERE NOT FUCKING delicious. liars anyway. Before that when morning shift arrives typically shortly after if not immediately after their arrival we do another headcount. Of course yelled much less.... whats the word.... manly lol. Derek had the lamest headcount call. His unenthusiastic Severous snape from harry potter like almost moan like noise. anyways fuck u derek. Derek would take us to get our shoes, at both the new and old facility there are shoe closets that contain every students single pair of running shoes. The new facility also has our never to be touched til we leave or go on a visit personal items. After getting our shoes on. We went outside. line up on the concrete basket ball court in 5 lines spanning accross the entire court each student assigned to a 'family' upon arrival in no paticular order I hope but idk. Usually it was the one with the lowest amount of students but some family leaders would try to boost by trying to speak with newer students asap and within the rules. Communication of any kind with any student not directly monitored without being directly told otherwise is strictly forbidden. No form of communication head bobs nods winks smiles smirks laughs even eye contact for long periods of time. Although of course these rules were broken many times over the course of my stay. I definitely stopped talking to kids. Literally it taught me and im kinda glad it did it taught me to not ask my peers but elder people with wisdom and knowledge for help. However in therapy groups they allow us to communicate freely with the presnence of the therapist who was 1 of two therapists. However he would quickly correct any advice given from a student to a student to not only teach us the correct way to solve whatever issue being discussed or shared. but almost in a way indirectly teaching you that experience and age are similar but not the same and to seek those that give the best advice and help the most which tend to be the people u want anyways. I did learn many many many many useful things that I still use today from Liahona. Because of going im now 1000x ahead of an average person my age. Given my experiences and newly found and enlightened self. Given to me when I was ready to give it to myself. When I learned I control this reality with how I feel. And I tend to feel how I talk. Because my talk conveys my emotion. Talk good feel good do good deserve good. Lined up on the basketball court right my bad Im side tracked for the millionth time. gimme a break lol anyways. We line up in 5 columns of anywhere from 10 to 13 students typically ten atleast. 50 jumping jacks Go!" 1..2..3..4..5..6..7- ......49..50. 50 laps chop it up. At 8 laps a mile 50 laps was common but not that common. For awhile it was daily. All of our days depended on how all of us acted as a whole. If one person tried to run and doesnt succeed obvisouly never have never will. Everybody goes on lock down. No talking no moving everybody sits in a circle. study a gigantic quote for that week cause homeboy tried running. or whatever the case is. Basically if you dont pull your weight somebody else has to and that weight is only their cause you are inturn now they hate u lol. Definitely was unlike for a vast majority by the vast majority however luckily in the end all works out as does all things in this universe in my world or currently my world.story sorry again 50 pushups now in unicen aswell 123-49-50 Then he tells us to go run and sometimes he'll tell u how many laps and sometimes hed tell u when you get to his standing spot at the finish line after your first lap. He does this to guage how and when certain students put in more effort. Shorter run? more harder runners? longer run? Whos putting in effort regardless of circumstance ie whats going on in ur life. Ie how many laps you got How are you moving before you know what your next move is. Are you jogging that first lap until derek tells you to save your breath cause you're banking on it being a longer run. Have you been running slow for 3 laps but the run was only 8 today so ur wasting ur time being lazy. Derek would see when you would run hard. who made u run harder cause u wanted to beat them. how many laps does it have to be minimum to run on the first lap. Whos running hard the first lap regardless of circumstance. They could tell who you were and what you could offer before you even knew anything about any of that. Because honestly you didnt give a fuck about trying before. atleast I didn't. I soon did. Over those 711 days I ran 95 percent of the week day mornings. was in niceass shape too for 17. weekends we got off thankf uckign god. After the blisters heal and you get calices on ur feet from running in the beginning being a new student it sucks alot don't get me wrong and it'll suck for awhile but you'll eventually learn to adapt and conquer by anymeans. I quit after 6 laps my first run. Not even a mile. sat down said I needed my inhaler. I didn't even have one.

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clearsandwicheagle-blog · 7 years ago

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What is the best life insurance to get BEFORE melanoma diagnosis?

"What is the best life insurance to get BEFORE melanoma diagnosis?

I am 99% sure I have melanoma on my leg. Have apt soon to get this confirmed and staged and start the process. I am a nurse, I know the process, and know the outcome can be one of many. I do not currently have any life insurance, never have. I have 2 small children and it is JUST me and then, no close friends, no family. Worst case scenario, if I only have a short time to live, what would be the best LIFE insurance I can get before getting this diagnosis? I would need something in which they could not cancel me if I am diagnosed with cancer within days of purchasing a premium. Today is May 11th, I should have my diagnosis by May 29th. I would like the biggest policy at the most affordable rate (I don't make as much money as you would think), but its also important that I get the fewest stipulations. By the way, I hate to admit it, but I am a smoker. I quit from 2009 to late 2010, but then started up again when I started RN school (am an LPN now, graduate from RN school in 3 weeks). Any solid advice would be appreciated. In laymens terms please.

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