#finally I’m fighting my inner perfectionist demons

[arikjust]

Just a funny little drawing of Sean and Gab’s cat BB ❤️

[hermeticimp]

Full Agape Reading Example

Hey guys! So I wanted to include an example of what a full version of my Agape reading looks like. Go here to find a full description of this reading. I’m using a reading on myself for this - with Hermes, Apollo, and Dionysus being the gods who came through. Without further ado, here’s my Agape reading. 

Today, I’ll be covering the things that Hermes, Apollo, and Dionysus love about me and wish for me to know moving forward. I used The Muse Tarot and Oracle of Unicorn decks. Let’s see what we’ve got. 

This first section will cover what they love about me. I was pulled to use tarot cards for this section. These three cards will cover my deities’ favorite trait of mine, a trait they admire that they want me to acknowledge more, and a trait they love that they want me to focus on healing. I’ve got 7 of Inspiration, The Tower, and Page of Inspiration. This is a cool mix! We’ve got two Inspiration (or Wands) cards, a major arcana, and a court card. The first thing that comes to mind is that they see me as a fiery and impassioned person. I have this energy and spark about me that draws others in, making them feel right at home. I’m always thinking of new ideas and projects that I or others could use. I’m resilient, warm, loving, creative, bright, energetic, spiritual, passionate, innovative, ambitious, and determined.

 “You have always been a bright star, Jay. I’ve adored that spark of yours since I’ve met you. It’s one of the things that has defined you over the years I’ve watched over you. You may struggle to see what I do at times, but have faith, dear heart, that this is nothing but the honest truth.” - H. Thanks Hermes. Now, let’s jump into the cards more directly. 

We begin with 7 of Inspiration. In this deck, the Inspiration suit corresponds to the Wands suit in traditional decks. This card is about fighting for yourself, protecting your light, not letting others get to you, having faith in yourself, and having firm boundaries. All three of them admire my ability to take care of myself. It’s something I’ve only been really coming into in the last few years, but I have learned how to tune out those who only seek to tear me down. The opinions of strangers do nothing for me. I’m me and that’s not something I plan on changing just to suit the whims of others. I may lose sight of what makes me special sometimes, but I won’t let people run roughshod over me. There’s an inner fire that will never be dimmed - which is definitely my Leo Moon conjunct Leo Mars talking. I have placements in all the fire signs, but my Leo side is fierce. I have a pride that won’t allow me to get pushed around for long. 

My deities love that I’ve learned how to fend for myself. Apollo decides to chime in here.“You’re right to see yourself as a warrior, Jay. You’ve managed to fight back everything that’s sought to destroy you from day one. You have courage, faith, and passion on your side. You fight against the world and you have the strength to keep going where others might falter. While part of your lesson is to learn how to put down your sword sometimes, it doesn’t mean that you have to lose this side of yourself. Fight on, little lioness. Never let the weight of your worth crush you because others say so.” I’m strong and I know that even in my weakest moments. See the star shining in the background amongst the orange (determination and enthusiasm), yellow (optimism), blue (truth), and black (protection and stability)? The Star is one of my favorite tarot cards and represents my constant battle for hope, peace, and faith. My gods admire that ability to keep battling my demons, within and without, to progress forward. 

Up next is The Tower. The psychedelic effects and crackling lighting behind the woman standing amongst crumbling infrastructure is quite the striking image. She seems unphased, as if this is a natural part of her life. The phrase “weathering the storm” comes to mind as I look at it. There is a small figure falling behind her, reminding us of the meaning of this card - unexpected and sudden change. The falling person most likely wasn’t ready for the storm the way the woman is. Instantly, I see myself in both these characters. I’ve had times where everything has been uprooted and I wasn’t prepared for it. I’ve had other times where I rolled with the punches and accepted it. 

Personally, I think I’ve dealt more with the former, but my gods seem to disagree. Hermes comes through. “I mentioned how strong you were earlier. This is the true source of your strength. You’ve been through rather difficult circumstances throughout the lives we’ve spent together. But one thing I always saw was that you never stayed off your feet for long. You’ve come to accept that change is the only constant. You may lose your bearings for a time, but you always regain them fairly quickly. Resiliency is the word you used earlier and I agree. You are resilient because, as you’re wont to say to others, “You’ve survived a hundred percent of your bad days”. Believe in your ability to get through things. You’re a survivor to the core. You’re resourceful, cunning, and adaptive. Rather Uranian and Saturnian in nature, I’ve come to notice. Embrace your inner strength. You can be a force to be reckoned with.” It’s funny he brought up those two planets. They rule over my 12th and 11th houses respectively. I’ve managed to get where I am because of my support system (11th house), but also because of myself (Saturn in the 1st). This is the trait that I’m supposed to give recognition to, which is difficult at times (12th house of strengths hidden from the self). Funnily enough though, it’s about the only compliment I’ll actually accept. I’m always getting back on my feet because, like the 7 of Inspiration mentioned, I know how to fend for myself. I have more power than I think and I’ll try to keep that in mind moving forward. 

Finally, we reach the final tarot card that describes what part of myself I need to heal from. The beautiful Page of Inspiration steps up to answer this prompt. An elegant woman stretches and dreams up vibrant ideas and thoughts. A black cat, a creature of magic, looks out towards the sky with clear sight and vision - knowing what it wants to do and how. Dionysus speaks up. “You need to heal that colorful imagination of yours. You have so many wonderful ideas that you wish to implement, but you doubt your ability to bring them into reality. I’m not sure why, as you’ve accomplished so much in such a little time. I believe that if you allowed yourself to actually have faith in yourself and your dreams, you could actualize sooner rather than later. You’re too hard on yourself. Allow yourself the room to breathe. Tap into that creativity of yours and allow it run free. Then, start making plans. There are things on the way to help, but for now, focus on creating the basis for what you want to build up right now.” 

Jupiter, the planet that rules both fiery Sagittarius and watery Pisces, come to mind with this card. Pisces are known for their fantasies, getting lost in the glimmering images in their mind’s eye. Sagittarius is known for being adventurous and firing true, following their arrows with the faith that they’ll land where they need to. Jupiter is the planet of faith. It’s in Capricorn in my 10th house, which indicates that I have work to establish my dreams and genuinely have faith in them. Pisces is my Rising sign - showing off my worldview and personality. Sagittarius presides over my 9th and 10th houses, which are about philosophy and exploration and destiny and career respectively. Pluto lies in Sag in the 9th. 

All of that together indicates that my wound (Pluto) stems a lack of faith (Cap Jupiter) in my true path (10th house), which manifests in remaining stuck in my head with mere ideas (Pisces Rising) instead of actually bringing them into reality, which causes feelings of inadequacy (1st house Saturn ruling Cap) and not feeling sure in what direction to go (Sag). I need to overcome that by allowing myself to have faith in my hard work (Cap Jupiter) to prove to myself (Saturn in the 1st) that I can accomplish my dreams (10th house). That’s easier said than done, but I’m in the process of working towards healing myself. “We’re proud that you’ve started overcoming this obstacle. You really will be unstoppable once you allow yourself to believe. Take that leap of faith. It’ll be worth it.” With that final message from Apollo, we move to my charms. 

This section will cover activities and ideas to focus on to expedite healing and moving forward on my path. We have the “I’m sorry” pin and Tohru. Immediately, I get the impression that it’s time to apologize to and forgive myself for not taking advantage of my full potential. Tohru is a character from the manga/anime Fruits Basket. She is known for helping others before herself and not noticing her own uniqueness and value (thus her being a rice ball). For so long, I’ve been focused on others' dreams and assisting them in those rather than staying in my own lane (Capricorn rules my house of friendship and society - the 11th). Now is the time to acknowledge, honor, and love myself - represented by the rose on the pin. I need to take it easier on myself and allow myself the space to accomplish what I want besides others. 

I can see how this ties into my Virgo Mercury, which is responsible for quite a bit of my attention on others (in the 7th house of relationships and sign of service) and doubting myself (perfectionist Virgo opposite my critical Saturn). Virgo has to learn how to have unconditional regard, something that Tohru learns to have towards the end of the story. Giving me space to be myself without judgement will go a long way in allowing me to relax and actually start realizing the 1,001 projects that I have in mind right now. It’s time for me to bloom through letting go of old regrets and shame for not completing past projects. Once I do that, I’ll find getting out of my head and into the real world a little easier. 

The last section is an affirmation card to keep in mind as I move forward. My card is Awareness. It says, “Live in the moment. Be conscious of your thoughts. Look for signs and guidance.” Now is the time for me to remain mired in the present. Instead of allowing myself to agonize over the past or worrying over the future, I need to breathe, recenter myself, and bring myself back to the current moment. I do have a habit of being caught up in my thoughts, as the Page and the charms showed. Mindfulness is the concept that comes to mind for this one. Meditation, breathing, walking, dancing - activities like these will help me be grounded and rational, which will be useful in bringing my projects to fruition. 

“Keep an eye out for our signs. You know which ones we mean. Blessings are on their way and they will help you to stay the course when it comes to your business and spiritual practice. Have faith and surrender any fears you may have to us. Trust us to guide you in the right direction, lion heart. Take the time to rest and recuperate. Things will come in time. Don’t push yourself too hard. That’ll only make things more difficult in the end. Patience is key. Keep yourself busy in ways that aren’t exhausting. We’re standing in support of you. Let that rapid fire mind of yours be at ease. Music would be an excellent way to help you stay grounded in the here and now. Until next time.” Apollo closes the reading with that, which I feel is a good place to stop. 

In summary, my deities find me to be a passionate, creative, resilient, wild, warm, friendly, and innovative person. I have a tendency to downplay how much I’ve been through and should give myself more credit. I’m learning to heal from doubting my ability to actualize the ideas I have, which I can overcome by forgiving myself for mistakes and acknowledging myself as being capable. Meditation, walking, music, and other mindful activities will help me stay focused on the present and give my concerns up to the Divine.

 Thank you three for joining and encouraging me. I appreciate your help as always. And thank you for reading! Please let me know if you have any questions. 

[fan-fantasies]

(1/5) Hello! Can I get a written ship with ATEEZ and Stray Kids? 💖 179 cm tall; dark brown, shoulder-length hair with bangs; blue eyes (the left eye is mixed with hazel, aka, heterochromia iridium); heptagon face shape with dimples; rectangle body shape. INFP-T. Hufflepuff. Bisexual. Pisces-Aries cusp sign. ”Looks like could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll.” At first, I may come off as reserved, shy, yet polite.

I, as many of us, have a resting bitch face, that’s why people may think that I’m in a bad mood. It takes me a lot of time to warm up to somebody, cause I have social anxiety. Hate small talk, or speaking in front of the public. When I’m nervous, I tend to mess up my words or forget what I was supposed to say. I’m usually playful, dirty-minded and goofy around close friends. I’m the so-called, ”fashionista and mom” from my circle of friends. A perfectionist, punctual, over-thinker, slight control/clean freak. Stubborn in some situations. If I’m annoyed or getting impatient, I can say something witty or sarcastic. I’m constantly fighting an inner battle with myself, trying to accept myself. I don’t like to smile or laugh in public, cause of the small gap between my front teeth. I really hate taking selfies or somebody else taking pictures of me. The clothes I wear depends on my mood (and the weather outside), but it’s always a mix of smart casual/vintage/or comfortable. Don’t like doing things out of my comfort zone, prefer to stay indoors. Hate crying in public, or asking people for help (it makes me feel uncomfortable). I don’t like arguments, but I will square up if they come for my family or I snapped. I’m a kind-hearted person, always ready to help someone in need, quite modest as well. Used to be a people’s pleaser. My hobbies include listening to any type of music, reading, watching movies or tv shows, traveling (if given the chance), and cleaning. Have a thing for writing. Very protective of my family. Divorced parents. Motherly towards kids and friends. An old soul, and the ”black sheep” of my family. A 100% feminist, support LGBT community. Sometimes I like to try and cook easy recipes. Dislike coffee, prefer tea or orange juice. That’s it, - thanks! 

Hey @pataim ! Thank you so much for requesting and for your patience. You gave me so much information and I was honestly a bit caught off guard. I tried to write as much as i could. I haven’t really had the chance to write much or the will to even push forward so I hope I did alright. I think Wednesday is gonna be the day I answer either one or two requests. I may pick another day but honestly, things with school are insane right now. Anyways. I really hope you enjoy what I have written! <3 Breezy

SEONGHWA

Okay okay, hear me out. The second I read that you tend to be a neat freak, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking Seonghwa because I’m pretty sure he is one too. Like I'm gonna start with this. 

Like I can only imagine the two of you being clean freaks together. Like, I can picture Seonghwa going to get you, leaving the demon children on their own. Though Hongjoong is there, we all know they would just lock that poor dude up. Then when you arrive at the dorm, I can imagine the mess that they left. It would be like a tornado had hit the whole area. How in the world could these demons be so messy? I can only imagine Seonghwa would first scold them and legit force them to help you clean. I think it would be cute, the both of you would somehow make it really cute, whether it be glancing cutely at each other or even planting soft kisses on each other's lips at random. The other boys would be so grossed out up but the both of you really wouldn’t care. I also think both of you would be the couple that, ‘looks like could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll’ because well we know how Seonghwa is totally that. 

The next thing I think he would enjoy is how you dress. We know Seonghwa dresses really well and I feel like he would enjoy seeing you in your usual attire. I feel like he would also be the type of person that would love to try and match you, even if it’s ever so slightly. Though you don’t enjoy pictures being taken of you, I feel like he would be the guy that would love to have photos of you on his phone. Especially in your cute clothes. He would obviously have to convince you and would only do it if you were okay with it but his main reason would be so he could have something to look at when he was away. He would be the type to want to talk to you as much as possible but while being on tour or doing promotions that may be difficult due to busy schedules. He would want photos of you to look at when he knows he doesn’t have time to call or FaceTime you. He would want you to have photos of him too, so you would know he was always with you. Though if you had time to FaceTime he wouldn’t mind just being there on a call with you while you are doing something. Reading a book? He would just sit there and watch your eyes scan over the words. Just relaxing in your room or living room? He would love to just talk about your day or about anything you wanted. Though often or not, the other members would likely walk in on your FaceTime and say hello and make jokes about how you both were adorable. Which isn’t a lie. 

Lastly, I think he would love spending time with you and I feel like he would always ask you to help him cook. He knew that you liked to try to cook things and I feel like he would love to show you what he knows. To teach you new things and to watch you succeed in doing something new. It would be full of laughter and just so much loves. It’s adorable honestly and I’ve been saying that a lot but it's true. 

Stray kids

Seungmin

So like I’m still really bad when it comes to the members of Straykids so just hang in there while I try to make sense of my mind. 

From what I have seen of Seungmin, he is such a sweet baby I don’t even know where to begin. I think this would be the sweetest thing anyone would have ever seen. I honestly this dude is the, looks like a cinnamon roll, is actually a cinnamon roll. I feel like he would see your resting bitch face and would just honestly start pouting or doing aegyo to try to get you to smile or giggle. He would do this anywhere too. If you’re alone, he would do that. If you were hanging with the members and you seemed upset? You bet he would start being a cute adorable bean. I honestly think he would be cute just all the goddamn time. 

I honestly also think if he knew about you always trying to get you to accept yourself, he would be with you that entire journey. He would be there for you if you ever needed to say something. If you need an opinion on something, he would do that for you. 

Like, think of this. You’re getting ready to go to one of their concerts, you want nothing more than to look good for your boy. You spend quite a bit of time trying to pick your outfit until you finally decided on your favorite. You looked in the mirror and would sigh, wondering if it was actually good enough for him… You had been so deep in thought that you didn’t hear him enter your apartment, ready to bring you to the arena with the others. He would notice you staring at yourself and I think he would be able to piece it together. He would come up behind you and hug you, hold you close, and listen to what you had to say. When he would hear you out, he would reassure you about all your worries. He would just hold you for a few minutes until you both left for the concert. 

I think both of you would argue about anything or really get upset about anything. There might be a few minor things like there are in lots of relationships but nothing that would drastically tear you apart. He would just love your kind-hearted personality and just how sweet you were to literally all your friends. I could also see him loving that you act like a mom. I’m not 100% sure why I think that but I do. I feel like he would love having someone take care of him and the others but he would also love taking care of you. He would be so protective of you and would do anything to make you happy. He would also enjoy just holding you while you do things like if you’re reading a book or watching something, I feel like he would take that opportunity to hold you. He would wanna take all the time he had, and spend all his time with you when he could. It would be really sweet. 

[ineedthisforcnf]

𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏.

With a heavy heart yet a fulfilled one, I bring to you the story of this rather long journey. I had a start, an ending, and another beginning. This ending gave me new doors to open, and a new beginning to explore. This ending being the end of my junior high school and the new beginning my start of senior high school. We were given two years, two years to open up our hearts to these people we were going to treasure for the rest of our lives, two years to store the most possible knowledge we can. Starting my senior high school years was like waking up from a terrible nightmare, a relief as you might call it. This relief gave me new experiences, memories, friends, family and a better outlook in life. There was times where it wasn’t at all the best but I had my family with me, my section. The two years I have spent in this institution might have treated me like utter dog poop but I wouldn’t have done it with the 35 humans and all the professors I had. It made me realize that I was strong because of them, I kept fighting because of them, and for them. And I will keep doing so.

The end. Let’s start of with this, shall we? Junior high school days. Not to be OA but I really had chills run down my back. One of the best-worst years of my life. Leaning towards that worse. Junior high school was like having the worst hair day ever, plus a big pimple on your forehead on graduation day. The eyes were all on you, everyone had something to say, and whispers were following you everywhere. I studied in a catholic school, yet I didn’t know why there was so much demons. Yet there was still good in the world, my five best friends. We call ourselves the dumb b******. Censored for our catholic household. With them, we felt invincible. We didn’t fit into the casing of a “popular teenager in high school” but we didn’t care even one bit, not at all. We were happy laughing in the halls, getting reprimanded by teachers, then laughing again, this time louder. But it wasn’t all this, not all sunshines and rainbows. No. There was a time where a traitor came into our lives. She practically destroyed everything, our so though unbreakable friendship? Was shattered in a matter of months, I was left all alone. She made my 9th grade the worst. I was bullied all through out junior high and I couldn’t believe how she had added up to that. But to cut the story short, she ruined my friendship. But when we were in 10th grade, she was cut off from our circle of friends, she moved sections wherein me and my five best friends were too but two were with me, and the other three were upstairs. We managed to rekindle our friendship and start anew. Without her, it was better, but it was not like before. So much for a peaceful last year. We did have that, but there was still some shortcomings, I didn’t mind, I was just excited to get out of that hell hole and finally move on to another chapter in my life and restart. 

The starting over again. First day. I was with the only friend I know, Trishia. We had decided to study at the same school, same section, same schedule, even same binders and pencils. But eventually, we had gathered up the courage and release our inner social butterflies, fluttered our wings, and met new people. As usual, there was a gap in the class. There were two groups, mine and the other side. Constantly backstabbing and hurting the other group through our words. But, enough was enough. We had to take things to a higher level. We were all consulted, talked to. Me and Trishia were the two in the group who didn’t really follow this trend since we didn’t really know what was going on, so we took matters into our own hands and talked to them ourselves. We apologized for the means things that had happened throughout the months, they apologized too for any inconvenience. And just like that, everything was much better. It was my first time being the bigger person. I even experienced dating someone older than me, it was my first time doing that, dating, the age was just a bonus. I had people interested in me, it was a first time too. Had my first heartbreak that I was open about to my dad. But my first favorite was when we had an open forum, we shared our thoughts about the class. Everyone’s comments was positive. I shared that it was my first time feeling accepted. It was the first time I met people that I felt I belonged with. It was the first time I actually had meaningful conversations with my classmates. It was my first time fighting for our rights, screaming that we have a voice. It was the first time I loved the people around me. It was the first time I had energy to go to school because I would see them. It was my first time to have actual friends. I felt teary eyed to which they gave me a hug, a big class hug, which was my first time too. It was my first time feeling love and feeling loved by my peers. It was a relief. 

From all the friends I have gained, the acquaintances I have, my most treasured ones are Trishia, Alex, Genevieve and Nazareen. All my classmates are important to me, yet they’re like the stockholders in my big company. the main people. They hold a special place in my heart. They’re my favorite. They’re the ones I can say anything to and I know I will be judged, but you know, in a good way. A funny way. They accept me for being a noisy, bossy, meticulous, perfectionist, complaining, and witty friend. I know that whatever happens I’ll have them with me. Always supporting and watching over, like how I would with them. No less, but always more. I know that we might go different paths after this but, I know that we will always be together. We’ve been through a lot too. We’ve seen the worst and the best sides of each other and I couldn’t be any more thankful. I thank all the starts in the heavens that I have met these people.

The lessons I have learned, not too many, not too little. These two years have taught me love, determination, perseverance and of course all the other lessons we had in class. I learned that I had a voice. I think that I was a kid when I went into this institution, and I’m leaving as a kid, with knowledge about the real world. I learned that I can speak up and fight for myself when I know I am in the right. I learned that it’s okay to have opinions and rights. I matured this way, I grew up with my classmates, we grew up together. With all the battles we fought together, the final bosses that just seemed to be like a hydra, kill one, there goes another. But, we never gave up. We stood tall and placed our foot into the ground. But suddenly, a boss came. One that we thought we couldn’t defeat. Then a new character came up, it was some sort of mage, tank, shooter all in one body. Our dearest adviser. I don’t know what we would have done without him. Would have probably succumbed to that one last boss. But no, he came and saved us like we didn’t expect him to. He was by far the best, we are very thankful for him. A million folds thankful. We wish we could keep him but there was another level and we were going to be given a new character. But no worries, we’d replay that stupid and hard round all over again just to meet that very special character once again.

And here we are now, writing this. Crying on the couch from reminiscing everything. Separation anxiety creeping in. If I had to take way from this essay, it would that I am someone better now because of the people I have met. I may have experienced a lot of hardships just to get to this point and have to experience more after, I know I can do it. I have you, them and me. I have gained more than knowledge. I have gained values, a family and a better perspective in life. I have gained a voice, love and myself. I regained myself. Someone whom I thought I had lost a long time ago. But yet, here she is. Even better than before. I don’t know what else to say with this being our last year. I don’t want to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. Especially if it’s with them. I hope that we all get to see each other often. I hate to part ways with them but I know that I just have to look back and smile at the memories. We will grow up and have families and roads of ours but I will never remember the big island, the biggest pit stop, HU121. I would probably have kids in the future and tell them about the crazy antics I did when I was a child and all these are going to be in it, even more that we will make. A big thank you to the wonderful people in my life that I call HU121 and you, sir. Thank you for molding me into who I am and who I will become in the future. You are all of ours special character, thank you for coming in and saving us. Let’s all hold hands and beat all the final bosses until we’re the only bosses left.

[introvertself-love-blog]

3/3/19

12:44 am

It has never been a secret that I have loved to write. Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of writing my own book and publishing it for the world to read. At the time I loved using my imagination to think of some of the craziest things and jot them down in my old beat up notebook. Now looking back, I never would have wanted to exploit what was really going on in my life to the world because imagining a fairytale was just more appealing. But as I’ve grown older and matured into the women I am today, I have learned that it’s still okay to imagine a place where happiness prevails all but, sometimes you have to look reality straight in the eye and be willing to accept that fact that true happiness cannot just be summoned by a single thought.

Recently, I have found myself more unhappy than happy. It’s easy for me to shift things and make it seem like the entire universe is working against me but the reality of it all is the only thing that is preventing me from being happy, is me. I’ve made up the excuses, I’ve cried myself to sleep, I’ve let my depression and anxiety reach places I’ve worked so hard to overcome and I still feel like crap. The question I keep asking myself is ‘why?’ Why does it seem like I can never be satisfied with myself? Why does it seem like everything I do is never good enough? Why can’t I stop looking in the mirror and wishing I was better? Why, why, why? Well I’ll tell you why.

The reason I can’t stop thinking so poorly about myself is because I’m letting it happen too much. Every day I wake up and look in the mirror, I mean who doesn’t? And instead of telling myself that I am enough, I’m telling myself that I can do better, be better. But better at what? I work hard every damn day to push myself to be the person I want to be and yet never feel like I’m ever going to get there. I feel like every time I reach a goal, something comes up and pushes me back to where I started. For example, I recently applied to graduate school at three institutions for post-professional athletic training. I was being realistic in the fact that there would be a chance I wouldn’t get in. But, I ended up getting an interview at all three schools, all within one week of each other. To say I was exhausted at the end of that week would be an absolute understatement, but at the end of the day I felt like I was super woman because I had just interviewed at some of the best schools in the country for athletic training because they were interested in me. Weeks passed and I hadn’t heard anything back from them and was starting to get nervous. I kept telling myself just wait, you’ve done three interviews at least one will be interested. Then finally the rejection emails started showing up in my inbox. At first I wasn’t too upset about it but then the more I began to think about it, the more I began to completely tear myself apart. ‘You could have done better.’ I kept telling myself. But again, done better at what?

The problem that keeps seeming to arise is that I am not a better version of myself. I have turned myself into a version I never would have wanted. I’m now the perfectionist who thinks that everything has to go exactly to plan or else it’s shit. If I don’t succeed at something, then I MUST have done something wrong, and if I really didn’t do anything wrong well then there must have been a better way to do it. It’s this never ending vicious cycle with myself that I fight every fucking day, and about every little thing too. I’ll replay a situation so many times in my head it will be all I can think about for days. Sometimes I will make myself sick from panic because I think about how I could have changed something to make a situation better. But the fact of the matter is, I’m trying my fucking best.

Just under a year ago, I decided to make a change in my life. I had spent three years alone due to a number of reasons and one of them was the feeling of worthlessness that I could never shake. I just wanted to feel good about myself and my body for once and was willing to make a change. I started going to the gym more frequently and trying to eat a more well rounded diet when I could. So far I’ve ended up losing almost 15 pounds and am feeling the strongest I ever physically have. The key word there, being physically. Through this whole time of ‘bettering myself’ I’ve neglected to work on something probably more important than my physical health, my mental health. I always thought that if I wanted to be a better me, then this would come from getting in shape and feeling better in my own skin. Sure, I look better but underneath this new body I still fight my inner demons that are crawling underneath my skin. Therefore we fall upon what I have been trying to get at for the past 45 minutes of writing this.

As of today March 3, 2019 I have made the choice to not only work on improving myself physically, but mentally as well. I have a long couple of weeks ahead of me due to other personal reasons, but I plan on keeping track of my mental health and doing whatever it takes to keep myself from diverting back to old depressive habits. So far I’ve ordered a self love book from Amazon called ‘Love Yourself: A Journey of Self-Care, Self-Acceptance, and Total Self-Love.’ and plan on hopefully starting this book sooner rather than later to start this journey myself. Hopefully I will be able to make regular updates with how things are going and will soon start to feel like I am truly bettering myself in a positive way.

[crimsonrevolt]

Congratulations Snow you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Dirk Cresswell!

↳ please refer to our character checklist

It’s always so amazing to me that so many people choose to come back to Crimson and it’s such a joy to see your Dirk come back to life in your app! I know I speak for many when I say that you took a character that none of us knew much about and brought with him a personality that we couldn’t forget. It’s so good to see you again and that you’ve found the time to come back to the rp! Snow, your reason for choosing him, in particular, made me emotional, and I can’t wait to see you write him with a fresh breath of life! Hopefully, you’ll be able to carry him on a new and beautiful journey as the war progresses and affects him. I can’t wait to see you and Dirk back on the dash! 

application beneath the cut ( tw: brief mentions of death )

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

Snow, 21, she/her, gmt+3

ACTIVITY

im going to well and truly throw myself into my studies this semester, and i’m also running an rp with a friend of mine on tumblr, so i don’t know how active i’ll be honestly. given how much i already love and adore every member of this group and all your characters, i’ll be able to find time. 6 or 5 out of ten, i think.

TRIGGERS

*removed for privacy

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

a promo blog about a year ago lol. i found this group way before it even opened but only applied like, months afterwards.

WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?

hm. my answer differs every time based on my mood i think. like i dont think there’s one character i really truly identify with? probably percy tho lbr.

ANYTHING ELSE?

nope.

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER

dirk cresswell. well, a revised version of him.

FACE CLAIM

ezra miller. listen i tried to change his fc but ezra is dirk and dirk is ezra the line has been blurred for ages now it is beyond my control.

REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER

i’d thought of coming back with a different character and had gone through a host of them in the open tag. i’d considered someone on the other end of the spectrum to counteract the experience i’ve had playing dirk. i’d thought of playing someone balanced and sophisticated and well-mannered, someone with a little less emotion and a little more poise. someone who is not dirk, but dirk seems to have stuck himself all the way down to the roots and i can’t seem to get him out.

i cannot properly express in words how much i love this character. i’m floundering for the right ways to lay it out. he is a myriad of unlikely contradictions – kind, and just, and cruel. he is optimism and realism hand-in-hand, but he is just as much that as he is full of lies. half truths, denials, secrets. he is honest and genuine, and his intentions are as pure as those of a noble knight but he strikes quick, and fast, and merciless, with the harsh finality of an execution.

he loves openly. he is never shying away from expressing his love and devotion for his friends and family. he is never afraid of what his love for them would do to him, or to them – no, he is afraid: the fear of losing someone who’d rooted themselves into the crevices of his life is numbing, almost all-consuming, but dirk has never known how to not love, how to not be so open towards them so much of the time.

and even then, it feels, to him, as though he is never without something to hide. as though he is never not carrying a secret of some sort, as though there is always something he is carefully folding to the side throughout his life, as though he has never been fully honest with another person before. the thing is, he is always open about the good parts of himself – he is loud and obnoxious about his love and his optimism, he is blazing and boisterous about his successes and achievements. he is almost always alone in his losses. he has become terribly adept in being both honest and not, at once.

he does not forgive. he is fearful of trust, of betrayal, of being left in the dust once again. he loves, he loves, he loves, but he does not trust quite as freely.

i’d focused much too much on his guilt and misery when i had played him last, but i’m hoping to be able to focus more this time on some good things in his life. which will probably not last very long lbr but im excited to see for myself.

PREFERRED SHIPS // CHARACTER SEXUALITY // GENDER & PRONOUNS

dirk is an utter, unbelievably obnoxious, hopeless romantic. he is nineteen years old and had known he is gay for years, the wizarding world being far more relaxed about such things than where he’d come from, but only in the last few years or so had he become relaxed enough to be open about his sexuality to more than just the people he trusts. the idea of finding a committed, long term partner – male partner – is only just beginning to settle itself within him. he is only now beginning to truly see himself with a future in perhaps a domestic fashion and, despite the times they live in, he is positively giddy. it’s embarrassing. really.

dirk is a cis male character, though i’d really like to see how he would interact with a trans and/or nonbinary character and how he might find solace with someone who, while perhaps not exactly like him, falls far from the conventional lines drawn up by the social structures they live in.

CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER:

traits:

+ TALENTED:

Dirk’s magical talents were difficult to miss, even to those who really, really tried, and it was not entirely for the considerable amount of bragging on Dirk’s part – though, arguably, that was a large part of it – but his hands, deft with potions and charms and defensive spells, were quick to catch people’s attention, and keep it. his exceptional dueling skills had not gone unnoticed, either, not by his teachers, and certainly not by his pureblooded schoolmates, who have repeatedly tested his abilities first hand.

+SOCIABLE:

Dirk is That One Kid that knows everyone, and who everyone knows. He joined every extracellular activity the school had to offer at one point or another, he never missed a chance to hang out and have fun, and he was always interested in meeting new people and making new friends. His easy humor and confident attitude drew people to him and relaxed them in his company, his optimism and cheeky remarks making him an uplifting presence to have around. He is secretive, however, keeping his emotional troubles and inner demons far away from prying eyes, even those he considers close.

-TRUST ISSUES:

Dirk has been shown love and taught not to trust it. a parting gift, from his mother, one could say. he finds difficulty – immense difficulty – in sharing his troubles, or his secrets of any kind, with anyone. he loves and he cares about his friends and there is very little he wouldn’t do for them, but trust is something that is difficult to come by, for him, and it is something that frustrates his friends to no end.

-ARROGANT:

Dirk has an exaggerated sense of his own abilities. He is talented, yes, anyone would be hard pressed to deny that, but he tends to – overestimate, what he can do. It could also be put down to his perfectionist nature, that he would bite off more than he could chew and simply expect himself to rise up to the challenge.

he is so confident in the caliber of his character, in his own moral righteousness, in his ability to tell right from wrong. he believes so completely in aversio and what they stand for and in the choices he’s made, that he is right, that he is good, that what they’re doing is entirely justified to a morally correct eye. his arrogance and his pride, just as his loyalty and his bravery and everything good in his heart, have led him down a path of darkness where the torch of his anger has lit the way so brightly he cannot see the blackness of his surroundings. he is a morally grey character with a black and white mindset.

——

Mockblog: dorkcresswxll.tumblr.com

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it:

he squints, tilts his head, leans back on the back of his feet. “just one?” he asks, and straightens up as a thought occurs to him. there’s the beginning of a grin pulling at his lips, something of boyish mischief coloring his features. “something to, to take care of pureblooded bigots. y’know, take care of ‘em. actually, all bigots, y’know, all at once.” he shrugs, hands shoved into his pockets, boyish grin spreading across his face. giddy. “i’d call it the purifier, just for kicks.”

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you:

“Sal!” a burst of laughter, involuntary, and he leans forward. “did you see her swing that wretched bat of hers? i’d take her with me to that Snake Supreme if i could, she’d bash his head in and cuss up a storm and everything, she’s good at making a big fuss.” the fond gleam in his eyes is unmissed by any, there is pride in his voice when he speaks of her, of his sister. he does not attempt to hide it. “and – and food for the object, i think, that’d work out pretty well, yeah?”

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make?

“when to take a bloody break.” he huffs, annoyed, and perhaps a touch embarrassed. “i still don’t know how to do that.”

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you?

that he is weak, that he is lesser, that he isn’t good enough. that he is just as bad as those he fights to rid the world of, that he is worst. that he is amoral, immoral, that he is unjust and evil and simply a murderer.

he hums. thoughtful. for a moment. “that i can’t take a loss well. which, mind you, is ridiculous – i never lose anyway!”

WRITING SAMPLE

it wasn’t difficult to get the old man to sign his letter – it wasn’t difficult, he’d not needed any convincing, all dirk had to do was thrust the form under his nose, pen in hand and a flat look upon his face: stiff, clunky, the way he only ever is with his father anymore.

the man looks up from the book between his palms, his sharp nose striking, his slanted eyes lifting towards his son. there is a crease between his brows as he pulls the paper from the young boy’s hands, eyes over ink before he asks what this is.

“it’s a permission form.” he sounds nervous. he hates it. “for hogsmeade.” he says, “you’re supposed to sign it.”

and the man signs it. just like that, he reads the paper and he signs it – he hangs on to it for a moment before giving it back. there is something there, something he wants to say, but his father was never good with words and so he says nothing. dirk is pathetically grateful – he never seems to say the right thing when his dad is involved, either.

dirk takes the paper and shifts his weight between his feet and isn’t sure if he should just leave – there is something there he wants to say, as well, but he can’t quite grasp the words and so he mulls about for a moment more, shifting the paper in his hand, before he nods a quick ‘thank you’ and scurries away.

he stuffs the paper in his pocket as he walks away. he stuffs his guilt down too, and tries not to think about it – he’d been avoiding his dad all summer, had only spoken to him now when he needed something, and not for the first time he wonders how it’s gotten this bad. he wonders when it’s gotten so tense between them they can’t share more than a few words before something made someone snap. he wonders what made it so, what caused this wide, gaping chasm to stretch between them – but he can’t think about that without thinking about emptied rooms and funeral marches, so he shakes his head quickly and bursts into Sal’s room.

They have much planned for the rest of the day, and there’s only so much of summer left for them to enjoy.

[escboras]

Outburst or Me, Myself and I

I've always been drawn to solo activities, however the thing is I've got a tendency to quit and move on very rapidly. I haven't even learnt to swim properly 'cos I just simply preferred to gaze at children and see how the water makes them feel. To be honest, the only sort of combined activity I'm hooked on is reading and writing, or in other words noting my a bit incoherent thoughts. Although, that is going well (clapping my hands), and I can sense some personal development, I still yearn for something more manifest and educative.

For this reason and since time is running really fast up here, I've come with an idea to learn to play an instrument (or at least try) and execute a personal project. Hopefully, that will somehow mark my stay in Sweden or give a bit more profound meaning to it. Frankly speaking, all these resolutions have somehow been induced by a friend of mine who told I look like someone who will leave a personal footprint in this insane world. However, as much I want it to happen, I'm lacking self-esteem or I just simply need others to believe in me too. Nevertheless, let's face the bitter reality, which indicates that most of the people (NOT ALL) who belong to Y generation, including myself have the perfectionist syndrome that crawls upon you unexpectedly and always manages to tight your hands whenever you get 'oh this feels so right' thing going on.

As much as I would love to state something contrary, I'm not good at fighting such demons. Whenever I feel that anxiety or 'I'm loosing it all' feeling is coming to my town I try to make an in-depth research and see if there are any new works written on that topic or if there are some new practical advices I'd apply in real life. However, most of the times I rely on the same method of deep breathing and drinking tea, which I always manage to spill. I think there's such a say - it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. On the other hand, I think everything is relatively hard, but gradually achievable. I've just read what I have written so far, I think I should dear to call myself an idealist and a 'walking contradiction' who always over scrutinizes her life.

By the way, I'm aware of the fact that I've already shared too much information, but I feel this bad urge to spill everything loud and clear, without any hidden agenda.

Besides, lately I've been questioning and nagging myself about the choices I've made in my life since this 'go with the flow' thing isn't working for me anymore. As much as I love being an utterly free creature, time to time I think: how'd it feel to have home (I'm not talking about 4 walls) where someone's always waiting for you or to know where is exactly home is within me without any compass, nor coordinations.There had been times when I believed that all imperative answers are hidden between the lines of my favorite authors' books and in their contemplations. I believed that Kafka, Rilke or even Bukowski will whisper the right words of wisdom and divert me towards this elusive tranquility or enlightenment that will eventually occupy my whole body. Guess what, that never ever happened. Well let's be squarely clear, I've just simply stopped searching for salvation in other people's words and started listening to my own. Don't get me wrong, I still sincerely admire and even marvel those grand minds and I'll read and re-read their masterpieces 'till my vision allows me.

Most importantly, I've finally realised that this constant need to change my whereabouts might be only a cover-up or this great deceit from my own solitariness and inability to answer some philosophical questions that've been bugging me since I pieced together how this word actually functions. Oh well.. (pardon my jumping thoughts) my eye has just caught this quote which beautifully compliments my text and basically says that you might wanna learn how to make your ordinary life a bit more extra - ordinary.

“Fall in love with ordinary. Fall in love with the everyday. Fall in love with brown eyes and small towns and a hand full of dandelions. Discover. Discover the crevices. Read the books that aren’t so popular, by little known authors who have a lot to offer. Listen to music that makes you think. Choose art that is buried in the corner of galleries, or on the street. Teach yourself to love the small things. The special but unnoticed things. Teach yourself how the ordinary is not so ordinary after all.” —Sue Zhao [#NoteToSelf] 

In spite of this semi-negative ranting, I'm almost satisfied with how open-mined (yes, open-minded) and voracious for new adventures my inner apprehensions have made me. By the way, did you know that courage in latin originally meant to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.

Take care,

Vilija