#fit waaaay too well to just pass up lol

[thirdtimed]

still figuring out how to draw them

[alltimefail-sims]

Ciara Baptiste Submission for @oatberrytea's Ofelia🌻

The Basics: -> Human; She/Her -> Pansexual -> Currently lives in Britechester as she just graduated from university! -> Young Adult (irl around 26 y.o.)

Details below the cut! ↓

Ciara's traits are: Cheerful, Clumsy, Bookworm, Socially Awkward, and Genius (two of those are from the "self discovery" feature, but I can't remember which ones!)

-> Her current aspiration is: Eco Innovator! Additionally, she completed the Academic aspiration, gaining the "Higher Education" trait!

-> Education: Has two prestigious degrees with honors from Foxbury Institute (Communications and Computer Science).

-> Her likes include: Spring, pastel color palettes: especially the colors yellow, pink, blue, and purple. She likes romantic, pop, and soul music. She loves engaging in Silly behavior, giving (and receiving) compliments, discussing interests, physical intimacy, flirting, and a little bit of what she calls "harmless" gossiping (specifically about silly stuff like the royal family or pop culture in general). She gravitates toward idealist and funny sims, but more than anything her favorite kind of sims are family-motivated sims. It was really just her and her dad growing up, so she wants to have a family of her own and is looking for a partner who wants a big, beautiful, fun family, as well! Her hobbies include robotics, research and debate, handiness, programming, wellness, baking, and knitting. She also enjoys acting and singing, even though she does both of those things quite poorly (that doesn't stop her, lol).

-> Her dislikes include: The "color" grey - she would argue that grey is definitely not a color, and she sees waaaay too much of it in the math and science field. She likes most genres of music, but Metal music is an absolute no-go and she is kind of a scaredy-cat who prefers the "cute" side of Halloween, so spooky music is also out. She doesn't tend to run in the same spaces as high-energy sims: she was not gifted in the athletics department and hates fitness activities, skiing, rock climbing, and snowboarding. However, she dislikes egotistical and argumentative sims the most! As a cheerful, optimistic sim she doesn't like conversations focused on complaints, pranks, arguments, potty humor, or malicious interactions.

-> Some fun facts include: Ciara was a happy infant and toddler, an only child who grew up in the spice market area of San Myshuno and was raised by a loving, generous single dad who she's still extremely close to. Her dad worked in nonprofits and charity work, always encouraging her to advocate for others, give back to their community, and be compassionate. Her mom passed away when she was only a year old, but her dad has done a solid job at keeping her memory alive. Ciara is half Japanese (her mother's side) and half Trinidadian/Tobagonian (on her father's side).

As soon as she could hold a hammer and power up a computer, she put her natural ingenuity to the test time and time again. Even though her unquenchable curiosity did lead to some small apartment fires, a few broken appliances, and a beaker explosion from time to time, she ultimately completed the Creative Genius aspiration and gained the "Idea Person" trait. That being said, she has always had a strong sense of purpose, wanting to put that perfect combination of smarts and creativity to work: that's why she decided she would dedicate her life to inventing and ultimately helping better the environment when she was around 12 years old.

High School came with a plethora of social challenges for Ciara: even though she was (and still is) extremely bubbly and bafflingly smart, she sometimes had trouble relating to people her age and understanding social expectations. Some kids picked on her for being too nerdy or too involved in class, others found her too talkative and "annoying," assuming her curious nature and positive attitude must be "fake." (Honestly, she was just neuro-divergent and didn't know it yet! She, in my opinion, didn't get evaluated by a profession until she was out of highschool and would ultimately be diagnosed as a combo of autism - toward the "high functioning" end - and ADHD). She found herself hanging out in teacher's classrooms more than not, usually not invited to big parties and doing her best to avoid social events like Prom as much as possible. However, she did have a small group of good friends, fortunately... so it definitely wasn't all bad! (She even went to the same college and was roommates with one of them!) Because she poured most of her free time into extracurriculars and schoolwork, she graduated at the top of her class and was given the honor of valedictorian!

Although she grew up in the city, she's 100% not attached to city living! She would love living somewhere with fresh air and lots of sunshine, especially if that meant she would have extra space to tinker and brainstorm! Plus, as an environmental enthusiast and "Civil Designer," she cares about inventing and finding affordable, healthy, safe innovations that work for all kinds of communities: that's a job she can do from anywhere!

Ciara never backs down from a challenge, but potentially competing for love might be the scariest one she's faced yet. She has never had a serious relationship and has never actually been in love, even though she eagerly puts her heart on her sleeve and has come close before. Could Ofelia be her soulmate? Ciara has crunched the numbers, and the stats say there's a slim chance: a 20% chance of success and an 80% chance at heartbreak, to be exact...

but that's a risk she's just might be willing to take. ❤️

Private DL if chosen!

[treason-and-plot]

LOST REPLIES TO SAOIRSE’S SECRET

I was going to reply to these comments after Saoirse had confessed her secret, just so I didn’t inadvertently let slip any spoilers. But then, in true Pru tradition, I completely forgot. Anyway, ..better late than never, right? ;=)

@windermeresimblr​

Oh jeez, Saoirse.

@stsciurus​

Better not to know!

@sweetnovember77​

Right! Don’t tell Joel anything because he’ll remember exactly what you said, and you won’t. Alcoholic blackout doesn't mean passing out. It means wiping out memory.

@pixelcurious​

Joël is wise in the ways of drunk people

Yep, they are his livelihood, after all! 

@whyhellosims​

Joel you are very wise, although I'm nosy and want to know what she'd say :P It's probably best to remain unspoken!

@kscriba​

I agree with @whyhellosims Jojo is wise but I would LOVE to know what she was about to say

@kscriba​

Now that I think about it, would Saoirse have interacted with Joël much when he was younger...?

There were a lot of times Joël would go over to Roy’s place after school and Saoirse would be there to make them snacks and laugh and joke with them... but they would never have interacted without Roy being in attendance.

@streetlightaurora​

Joel's Spidey sense was tingling and he wisely side stepped that bullet. Make her walk up, for sure, put some distance in there.

@shhhushhh​

I agree and I repeat myself I rediscover JoJo's wise side. Now Sao, spill the bean so I can fall to sleep, God damned it!!

@simmerjazen​

She's drunk. I think she's gonna say it anyway LOL I wanna know what she has to say, but also need Joel to keep his head about him regardless.

Joël can be trusted around Saoirse...but he definitely enjoys feeding Roy’s insecurities! 

@wannabecatwriter​

If Roy was to see this scene, he'll have a fit.

OMG!!! He would be absolutely beside himself! 

@dynastiasimss​

good decision Jojo xD

Jojo definitely is one of the more level-headed of my chars, even if he does let his emotions get the better of him sometimes!

@skyburned​

At first I wondered, what is that second shot, then realized it's the window from the first shot. I am so impressed! The subway cover tube thing looks great, and I like the way you put the car on the side on the walk. I don't know about sets on S3 so don't know if you can even put cars on a road, but it looks good where it is.

Yes, the subways in Sims 3 are lovely. Steam rises from the grates as well!

I have never been able to put cars on the road, the way I usually do it is to make a community lot and construct a fake road on it...you can then place the cars where you like. Thank you as always for your kind words!

@skyburned​

And yes, under the circumstances, declining the secret was the smart thing to do. That's pretty cool, you know. Sometimes being rude, which his response might be, is the absolutely perfect thing.

@rillensora​

Joel honey no. I’m smelling trouble. Get you and your white knight complex out of that door before you cause any trouble for yourself, your oldest friend, or Anita.

I can smell something too...stale sweat, mildew and vomit! EWWWWW!

@windermeresimblr​

aughgh shoes on the pillows! damn, saoirse, get it together!

@kscriba​

She'll feel better getting it all out now lol I wouldn't mind Roy walking in on this scene >:)

It did cross my mind, believe me. But in light of his previous convo with Saoirse it would have been hard for his turning up there at dawn to be justified.

@nocturnalazure​

Joël is waaaay too nice of a guy and I'm afraid it will turn against him...

It’s okay, he’s nice but he’s also not a fool. I wanted this scene to demonstrate the growing bond between them, but their friendship is strictly platonic! Roy and Anita might see things differently, however...;=)

@sweetnovember77​

🤯😳😩

@wannabecatwriter​

One would think, at this point in her life she knows how to handle alcohol better.

Lol I am even older and I still get fucked up...

@shhhushhh​

@wannabecatwriter it gets worse with years ☹ I mean up to your 30s you can handle a bottle of vodka like a pro and go to work the next day as if nothing happened and after 30s you drink 3 beers and need 2 days to recover 😩 God damned metabolism, I guess, or more like it's absence 😂

My limit these days is four beers. Any more and I’m useless the next day. But in my 20s I could drink 12 in an evening and as you say just bounce out of bed the next day no problems at all. 

@shhhushhh​

Cabbage?!?! Like sour cabbage?!? But that's the best smell!! And so in season! I guess she has som Eastern European neighbors 😁😋

I was thinking more of the boiled cabbage smell that permeates nursing homes...it’s definitely not a good smell. It makes me sad because it reminds me of abandoned old people. But the origin of that smell is probably urine, not cooked cabbage at all :/

@mysimsloveaffair​

Joël, please get out of there! Call Roy and let him deal with this... go take care of your own family.

Would Joël really abandon a damsel in distress, though? ;=)

@dynastiasimss​

Joël please, do not make her a jaffle, get her to bed and get out of there before you find yourself in all sorts of strife

Jaffle!!!!

@whyhellosims​

Oh my gosh, he's too sweet! Offering to clean that yuck up?! And worrying about being unsexy when you're fall down drunk XD heavens!

@skyburned​

Agreeing to let someone clean up after me is not something I'd like to remember. Worse than doing it. A lot worse. I could clean it up but doubt I would. He's amazing.

@simcatcher​

Joel you kind hearted man, leave a woman her dignity xD

Thank you guys for the lovely comments! I think we can all agree about Joël: 

[malsmanor]

What’s your ideas/Headcanons for how Jake and Melanies relationship progressed?

oh well, to answer this, I need to elaborate a little bit on who ‘my’ Jake is :P

Design-wise, he’s obviously my own original creation. I still like the classic mustached & black haired Jake fine but with the addition of the 4 suitors (all dark-haired and bearded to some extent) I thought he needed to stand out more, hence why I made him blonde and took some inspiration from the actors who play the skelly bois/waltzing dead.

I’m sticking to the classic fancanon of him being an engineer, but instead of being specifically someone that works with trains he’d be more of a general transport systems engineer who just completed his studies and is looking for employment in the prosperous little town of Thunder Mesa . He gets hired by the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad and patiently works his way up the ladder hoping to get his first important engineering project approved and financed. I’m sure you can already see where this is going :P

The project (a bridge that will connect Thunder Island to the coast) is picked up by the town council and obviously the two main investors are going to be Henry Ravenswood and Barry Claude, who are business partners in this scenario of mine before things turn the way we know they will turn, lol. And pretty much, that’s how Jake meets Mélanie. They had seen each other before around town and just like everybody else, he was really taken by her looks but didn’t really like her personality because... well, ‘my’ Mélanie is quite terrible XD. She has to go through her own character arc before she becomes the Mélanie we all know and love in the ride (..and yet, thanks to the refurbishment, we see her rotten core resurface near the end, when Jake is no longer there to mitigate her family’s bad influence) and Jake plays a big role in this.

In the beginning, he sees her as an insufferable and vapid brat and Mélanie looks down on Jake just like she has been taught to do on everybody her entire life, but they start to warm up to each other (and becoming aware of what the hell is going on with the ‘accidents’ in town) as time goes on. Of course the lyrics don’t match their situation one to one, but I always think of this song from the Frozen Musical when I think about these two :P (and surprise surprise, all the songs that were written for this show are a lot better than those in the movie of which I am definitely not a huge fan.)

In fact, there’s another original song from this show that I think works well for my interpretation of Mélanie: is titled ‘True Love’ and contains this line that I find very fitting “turns out you can’t fall in love if you don’t know what it is“ since her character conflict revolves around being raised in a weird and loveless family. 

Unlike with her other suitors, Mélanie would actually manage to spend some time and get to know Jake before the worst comes to pass and that is why his passing hits her so much more than the others’ (even though I headcanon her to be also very fond of Mr.Claude... but only as a friend :P).

I mean, I could go on and on about this because that’s what you get when asking somebody who thinks about this ride waaaay too much but I should probably stop here lol.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #334

"i dreamed i was missing  /  you were so scared  /  but no one would listen,  ‘cuz no one else cared”

Sunrise or sunset? Sunset has prettier colors, imo, but I enjoy the pastel nature of sunrises, too. Are you mentally ill? Oh brother. Are you physically ill? I don't have any serious physical health issues, no. Introvert or extrovert? I'm a very strong introvert. What do you think when you look at your body? That it's fucking disgusting. What have others said when they look at your body? When I was healthy, I was complimented every now and again. With the body I have now? I'm glad people keep their months shut. Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply? There's a good 'ole handful or two. Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? It's weird, I'm not a city person at all, but possibly when I was walking the streets of Chicago with Sara and her dad one evening. There was just so much life, so many new sights, that it was impossible not to. Plus, I was at a very happy point in my life, so. I just enjoyed a lot. Are you confident wearing a bikini? FUCK NO. Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? Mentally, obviously. Everyone has at some point. I've never been seriously physically hurt by family, but Mom did spank my sisters and me as kids if we did something wrong. Biggest lie you have told? I don't really know. I get really uncomfortable telling even minor lies, so making a big one would be excruciating. I'm not saying I've never said a biggie, I'm sure in 25 years of life I said something stupid at one point, I just don't remember it. Do you believe in the Illuminati? Nah; there's some compelling evidence, but I just think it's way too big of a secret to keep. Regrets in your life? Blaming the breakup entirely on Jason and saying just plain cruel things to him afterwards. Also sending an appallingly hateful letter to Dad to vent after the divorce. Flirting with my then-best friend's boyfriend at the time behind her back. Dating Tyler (it's a small one, but still a regret). There are others, those are just the only ones coming to me right now. Achievements in your life? Lots of academic success and awards (before college, anyway...), artistic accomplishments like having my work put in a museum, surviving a traumatic breakup, (mostly) recovering from massive depression... What did people say about you in school? Nothing, really. I was a quiet student who just did her work and tried hard. Is there something you have never told anyone? Yes. If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it? First, I'm paying off college debt. Then Mom gets a new car, followed by me getting new glasses and renewing my permit. I'm getting a good terrarium setup for Venus. Then, it's tattoo time, baby, haha. I can't really do the mental math on how much this all would cost, but those are the high-priority things I can think of. Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined? Jason and I were playfighting in bed, and he had me pinned. Our faces were close, and I decided to kiss him. It was a fairy tale moment, in my eyes. He looked so bashful for once (he's far from shy) but also really happy, and I was too. Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household? Low, I think. Or maybe average, when Dad was still around. Have you been raised by a solo parent? When I was around 17, my parents split, so kinda-sorta. Do you know both your parents? Thankfully, yes. Have you abused drugs or alcohol? No. Are you comfortable accepting compliments? Ehhhh, I really appreciate them and they can make my whole day, but I'm very awkward about it. I get shy. Are you comfortable giving compliments? Oh yes. I honestly love giving compliments; I know how happy they can make me, so why not share that with others? Is any mental illness hindering your life? Guess. (: Is any physical illness hindering your life? Well, it's not an "illness," but the muscles in my legs have severely atrophied from leading such a horribly sedentary lifestyle, and that has greatly affected my ability to work without the risk of just collapsing. Walking at all is painful. Are you preparing for an apocalypse? No. I'm not really one to worry about "prepping." If it happens, it happens, man. I'm not spending loads of money on a "maybe." Are you interested in cults? Not really, no. Are your parents good cooks? Mom is fine, but it's hard to really judge Dad's cooking since he barely ever did it, plus I haven't had his cooking in many, many years. I remember he was great at making breakfast, though. That was like a rare treat, him deciding to make breakfast for everyone. Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Did you like it? No. Do you know anyone who is an actor? No. Have your wisdom teeth come through yet? They never did. Have you ever used a public pay phone? No. Have you ever made an item of clothing? No. Have you taken someone's virginity? No. Is confidence cute? "Confidence, yes. But cockiness and arrogance, no. That’s a whole different area that’s definitely not cute." <<<< Nailed it. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Doubt it. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No; rather, I drink too much of it. I'm trying really hard to lay off of it, and I drink nowhere near as much as I used to (when oddly enough, I was healthy and fit), but I'm still not comfortable drinking a can and a half a day. Listening to? "Castle of Glass" by Linkin Park. Kinda obsessed. Ever used a bow and arrow? No, but archery is cool. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I don't think this has happened since my senior shot in HS. Take a vitamin daily? Daily, no, but I really should. I take a Vitamin D capsule every Sunday, though. Favorite Taylor Swift song? I only really like "Love Story" and "Picture to Burn." Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yeah. Which are better: black or green olives? I don't like olives period, but I guess black. What’s your 3rd favourite animal? Huh, never thought of #3, just #1 and #2: meerkats and opossums. Maybe snakes? Do you like mushrooms? NO. NO NO NO. What dream do you remember most vividly? One I don't talk about. A childhood nickname? Mom called me "Twinkie" and still sometimes does. ;-; Does anyone in "real life" know that you take surveys? Would you be embarrassed if they found your blog? Just Sara. And yes, regarding some people. Who was the last person you blocked on social media? Did you have an argument that lead to that happening? I'm unsure, but probably. I don't tend to just like... randomly block people. What was the first social media account you remember signing up for? Are you still a member of that particular website, if it even still exists? Of course it was MySpace. It's still floating around somewhere in cyberspace. What website from your childhood/teen years do you wish still existed? I get nostalgic over the Animal Planet forums sometimes. Have you ever met up with anyone in real life that you first met via the internet? Did you get on as well as you thought you would? Yes, Sara. I felt like it would go just fine, but it went even better than I expected - I was oddly very comfortable around her and her family. Have you ever tried any of those meal replacement shakes? Are you a fan of things like that in general? Yeah; I tried many brands until I settled for Equate, surprisingly. Cheap does not equate to bad quality, my friends. We always have the chocolate ones in the house, and they're really not bad at all. Are you the kind of person to enjoy taking naps? I love me my daily nap, man. What's your favourite kind of cheese to have on a pizza? Idk, whatever cheese is normally used, lol. What's a hobby you loved when you were younger but no longer enjoy for whatever reason? I guess video editing. I can't say I'd no longer enjoy it at all, but now the idea sounds far more like a chore than fun. Is there a popular food/drink that you can't stand? What is it and why don't you like it? I could name five dozen, but here's just a few: coffee, pie, tea, fried chicken (or is that just a Southern thing to be obsessed with?), and... of course now that I'm asked this question, I'm blanking on the huge number I know exist. As for "why," that varies, but it's either just simply a taste or even a texture thing. How would your wedding boquet look like? I want a gothic-themed wedding, so imagine a mix of black and maroon roses... whew-wee. You’re at a bar, and you witness a man drugging some girl's drink. What do you do? No hesitation, I'm decking the motherfucker. Fuck my fear of men, he's getting knocked out, and I'm immediately alerting the staff, as well as of course the girl. Kids? How many? Why? Names? Boy or girl? Y'know, loads and loads of scaly and hairy ones. Got plenty of name ideas depending on what they are and how they look. The only baby whose gender matters to me is the tarantula because females live waaaay longer. Fuck them human babies, not for me. Are you an organ donor? Absolutely. I sure as hell ain't usin' 'em once I'm dead, so consider it my last act of selflessness. Whats the most you’ve ever lost gambling? I don't gamble. What is something you can never give up (that's not love or family)? My pebble from my "graduation" from my first partial hospitalization program. It's meant to symbolize how great pain and trials can file you into something beautiful. It was passed around group, everyone holding it in their hands as they wished me well and spoke their piece about me. I'm honestly just fighting back tears remembering it. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No, I'm way too impatient for that shit.. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Hm. I guess it depends on what you use it for. Have you ever witnessed a birth in person? A human birth, no fucking thank you. I've only ever seen pet cats give birth. Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad does, big time. He quit drinking, but never quite managed to stay away from cigarettes. Have you ever had a pet escape and run away? Seeing as I grew up with outdoor cats that we couldn't afford to fix, pretty much all of our tomcats left for roving once they came of a certain age. Do any of your exes know each other? Juan and Jason know each other, Jason and Girt know one another as well, and Sara and Girt have met. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? I simply cannot fathom the belief that "dinosaurs never existed." Explain the fucking fossils, like come the fuck on. It's absolute denial in the name of religion. What was the very first election you voted in? This one that just passed, actually. What is one random fact about you? I want like 20 tarantulas but Mom says no. :( Do you spend a lot of time outdoors in the summer? Fuck no, I will do anything to stay inside in summer. Do you wear band tees? if yes, which one is your favorite? I love band tees, yeah. My Ninja Sex Party shirt is the most comfortable, but comfort aside, it's hard to pick a favorite. Possibly my Otep one, 'cuz the design is dope. Do you ever re-arrange your room? No. What season do you want to get married in? Fall. What is the highest name-brand thing you own? Oh god, I don't own expensive brand stuff. I guess the only exclusion would be my Cloak shirt, but even that's not like, mad pricey. What color GameBoy did you have as a kid? Red. What was your favorite GameBoy game? Maybe that Catz game? Even though the music was the most fucking obnoxious meowing ever lmao. What was the last compliment you remember someone gave to you? Who was it? It was this guy in my PHP group; my therapist surprised the fuck out of me by sharing with everyone my most recent poem (I trust him a lot, and he urges me to send him my art, so I've done that twice), and I nearly fucking died from cardiac arrest. However, this Nick guy, who's a poetry major, told me it was better than stuff he reads in his Master's program. I almost cried. Have you ever personally been friends with a stripper or prostitute? No, not that I'm opposed though or anything. If you have tattoos, which one that you have was the most painful? The one on my inner forearm. Have you ever actually met and talked to someone who’s famous? No. When was the last time you got a parking ticket for anything at all? I never have. Do you have any pets who will bite anyone else out there, besides you? No; Roman won't even come close enough to a stranger TO bite, haha. It's funny, he's so goofy and you'd guess outgoing, but instead, he's terrified of people he doesn't recognize. What’s your favorite type of sushi? I don't eat sushi. What’s your favorite patriotic song? Don't have one. Have you ever read a book about a character in a psych ward? No, and I'd really prefer not to because it would just drag me back to dark times. Have you ever been in a mental hospital as a patient? ^ Have you ever had an ulcer? No. Do you like soy sauce? omfg no What’s your favorite store to browse around? Morph Market. @_@ It's a hub for reptiles for sale, and I have my days where I just browse the ball python morphs for like an hour or so, haha. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend had? Christ, half my friends on Facebook are having babies, idr. I don't know who was the most recent. Do people normally say you’re a fast typer, or are you rather slow? I'm very fast. Have you ever been considered the "smartest person in school?" No; that was my friend Hannia. I'm pretty certain she would qualify as a genius. Her GPA was fucking incredible. Were you named after anyone famous or anyone on television? No.

[nadziejastar]

It's sort of amazing the difference between the fan interpretation of RAX and how they interact in canon. In Days they're super dysfunctional, border on being toxic, and their friendship was unsustainable from the start even if they didn't realize it. In fanon they're a picture perfect family who can never be torn apart. And the KH3 went with the fan interpretation instead of acknowledging any of their issues.

I totally agree. I think the reason is that the fandom tends to be very young. It’s a big reason why Akuroku became so popular, IMO. Young teens tend to misinterpret unhealthy obsession (like Axel’s) as romance and true love. And the Sea-Salt Trio’s dysfunction also was also overlooked in a similar manner.

I gotta be honest. I feel pretty uncomfortable with the general interpretation of the Sea-Salt Trio in this fandom. It’s just so bizarre to me how Roxas and Xion’s friendship with Axel was put on such a pedestal and how his relationship with Isa was pretty much ignored by almost everyone. It’s just…amazingly unrealistic if you think about it. I think it’s a testament to how young the fans are, in general.

Axel’s relationships truly aggravate me, because he was written a LOT differently than Sora or other simplistic characters. I know that the target demographic for Kingdom Hearts is pretty young. And in the end, I think Axel’s character was a victim of that. Nomura tried to write him very authentically at first.

But his characterization was dumbed down to fit in with a largely tween/teen audience and their preferences. I don’t say that to be disparaging to younger fans or anything. But, had KH3 not been a Disney property, and had it been targeted to a slightly older audience, I think Axel and his relationships would have been handled a LOT differently.

I definitely think the Sea-Salt Trio was VERY misunderstood by the fandom. Axel has known Saïx for at least 10 years. Probably more. Even before their backstory was explained, you could tell they have been through hell together in the organization, without anyone else to trust besides each other. Axel was willing to do all of his dirty work. 

Then Axel meets Roxas and Xion. Two kids who—let’s be honest—are about on the level of your average fifth grader. Not a bad thing. They’re just very naive and childlike and he obviously can’t be 100% himself around them. Do people really think Axel is gonna replace his best friend so easily with two kids he’s known for less than a year? Apparently, yes. Let’s look how absurd it is.

Day 75

Inseparable

The Genie we met in Agrabah said he and his friend Al are "inseparable." Axel told us best friends can be inseparable even if they're not always together, but it sounded like he wasn't too sure about it himself. I thought Axel knew everything. Oh well...

At this point, Axel spent quite a while at Castle Oblivion. He hasn’t even gotten to know Roxas that well, and he’s only known Xion for a few days. It’s totally realistic that he’d say he doesn’t have a best friend. He sounds like he knows what it’s like to have a best friend, though. He just doesn’t have one anymore.

Day 96

Roxas: I just…want these days to last forever. Hanging out, the ice cream, the sunsets…

Axel: Nothing lasts forever, man. Least of all for a bunch of Nobodies. But you know, we’ll still have each other…even if things change and we can’t do this anymore.

Roxas: Yeah?

Axel: As long as we remember each other, we’ll never be apart. Got it memorized?

Roxas: Ha ha, wow, Axel. That sounded ridiculous.

Axel: What? I thought it was pretty deep.

Not even two weeks later, he’s acting all touchy-feely about the time they spend hanging out together. Roxas and Xion make fun of him because even they know they’re not really that close, lol. They hardly know each other at this point. If you read between the lines, you could tell that he was thinking about Saïx here, too.

Friends

Author: Axel

I feel like I’ve been spending more time talking to Roxas and Xion lately than my old friend, Saïx. This has to have been what it was like, friendship.

But if that wasn’t obvious enough, the report clears up all doubt. He WAS thinking about Saïx. The message I got was: Lea and Isa had a very close relationship as humans. They were the ones who were really inseparable. 

Axel misses that and, the more he remembers it, is desperate to fill the void. Every time he mentions “best friends,” it relates back to this. But this concept went “whoosh” over 90% of the fandom’s head. It baffles me. I really just don’t get it. Again, I have to think it’s due to the fact that this series skews really young. 

Day 118

You Changed, Not Me

Author: Axel

Talking to Roxas and Xion always brings back memories of my human life, back when I was a kid. It’s a weird sensation. I ought to be able to share all this with Saïx, but I just don’t feel like it anymore. It’s strange, but I’m content with just missing what’s gone. I’m not the one who changed. You did.

Anyways. Three weeks later. Axel is very hung up on the past. He sounds like a heartbroken lover (because that’s exactly what he is, if you ask me). The reason Axel spends so much time with Roxas and Xion is because Isa changed.

Day 150

Too Precious to Lose

Axel and I talked for a while about the things we can’t bear to lose. Axel thinks that for Nobodies, it’s our pasts, because that’s all we have to remember the pain of losing something. I don’t remember my past, but the idea of losing the present–Axel or Xion–scares me.

A month later. Axel comes back from Castle Oblivion yet again, and he’s even more nostalgic for the past than last time. I bet Axel’s time at C.O was gonna be featured as a blank period in BBSV2. But whatever. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing his memories of the past.

The reason Axel treasured his memories so much was because it’s all he had left after losing something. OBVIOUSLY it’s because of his relationship with Isa. I mean, duh. It implies a pretty special connection between Axel/Lea and Saïx/Isa for him to feel that way, especially considering how mean Saïx is to him.

I’m not trying to trash Axel’s feelings for Roxas and Xion, either, or make them out to be unimportant. They were important to him, for sure. But they absolutely did not reach Isa’s level of importance to him. No fucking way. Not. Even. Close. Especially not on Day 150. By the end of the story, Axel couldn’t bear to lose Roxas and Xion because they were all he had to fill the void of Isa.

That’s not to say that he didn’t care about them as friends, or that he was just using them. It just means that I don’t think Axel really would want to be “inseparable” with Roxas and Xion once he was mentally and emotionally healthy. He’d want to be friends with them, of course, but not hang out every day like Hayner, Pence, and Olette. He’s not on the same level as Roxas and Xion. And that’s fine.

Terra: Protect the things that matter… Right. My friends matter to me, too. So, I still have things that I have to protect.

To use a comparison, Riku was very important to Terra. I LOVED the connection between them. Other than Lea and Isa, one of the things I was most excited to see in KH3 was Riku and Terra reuniting (yeah…). They had a very special bond. Riku helped comfort Terra when he was down. But. Riku was NOT as important to Terra as Aqua and Ven were. Even if Terra had spent a whole year with Riku, he still wouldn’t be as important to Terra as Aqua and Ven.

Roxas and Xion being portrayed as the most important people to Axel is as ridiculous to me as Riku being portrayed as the most important person to Terra. It would be weird if 99% of the fanart out there depicted Riku as Terra’s best friend and Terra’s reunion with Riku got more spotlight in KH3 than his reunion with Ven and Aqua.

That’s how I feel about the Sea-Salt Trio. I really liked it for what it was in Days. A complex, morally grey friendship between an emotionally damaged adult and two innocent kids. But I really don’t like the overly saccharine, cutesy, cuddly, one-dimensional fandom version of it, where Axel is treated like he’s on the same level as the two teens. It’s a testament to how young the fandom is that people really thought Lea would be “meh” about reuniting with his childhood best friend who’s been possessed for 10 years, and be waaaay more excited about getting to eat ice cream with two teens every day once again. 

Day 172

What’s Love?

On my mission at Beast’s Castle, Xaldin told me about "love” and the special power it has over people. I tried to ask Axel about it, but his explanation didn’t make any sense to me. Every time I ask him about this kind of thing, he tells me I need a heart to understand. It’s like he’s dodging the questions.

Axel tolerates severe emotional abuse from his possessed best friend because he loved him back when he was normal. He copes by with his extremely shitty life by living entirely in the past, through his memories. Hanging out with two kids helps him remember his old life, back when he was happy. God, he was such a fascinating character. Such wasted potential.

Day 193

Best Friends

Xion's awake now. The three of us were gonna go get some ice cream after our mission, but she passed out again, so we had to take her home. I talked with Axel in her room until she woke up. He said the three of us were best friends—inseparable. 

Axel said he had no best friend on Day 75. Now it’s Day 193. That’s only 119 days. That’s less than four months!! He gets in a fight with Saïx, who, once again, says he’s changed. A very sore topic for Axel. Then immediately afterwards, he says these two kids are his best friends.

If I was gonna compare it to real life: Let’s say Lea and Isa were two normal high school kids who were kidnapped and raised in a gang. Axel is a 25/26 year-old former gang member. He’s got blood on his hands. He’s a good person deep down, but he’s seen a lot of shit. Then he meets these two fifth graders. This adult gang member, with tear-drop tats and everything, suddenly starts calling these two fifth graders his best friends. He wants to spend all of his time eatig ice cream and playing Minecraft with them.

If this was real life, would anyone say how cute it is that they are best friends? Two kids who he had to teach the concept of “best friends” to? NO! No, they’d say that’s unhealthy and weird and that the guy needs therapy. Because it IS unhealthy and weird. Perhaps it easier to see that as an adult. Perhaps it’s easier to see it in a romanticized way when you’re young.

The Sea-Salt Trio was, in a way, Axel forcing the label of “best friends” on two kids in an attempt to cope with the heartbreak of his loss of innocence. It did have genuine cuteness and sweetness. Of course it did. Axel was not a predator or anything. Roxas and Xion loved him. Axel loved them. But…it wasn’t as cutesy and wholesome as people make it out to be. At least not from Axel’s end. It wasn’t JUST a cute wholesome trio. 

That’s what made it so good. It was complex and grey. Axel never went against the organization, even though he could have if he really wanted to. It got to the point where he nearly killed both Roxas and Xion, just because he couldn’t bring himself to go against the organization. And the reason he couldn’t go against the organization was because of Saïx. Yes. Axel came thiiiiis close to killing both Roxas and Xion for a sociopath who treated him like shit. Their friendship was very dysfunctional and had a lot of kinks to work out.

Again, I’m not trying to denigrate the bond Axel had with Roxas and Xion. It was still genuine and sweet, in a sad and messed up way. I can still appreciate the cuteness of it.

But I hated the Sea-Salt reunion in KH3. Because it only focused on the most one-dimensional, saccharine and cutesy portrayal of them possible. They didn’t have to talk about anything. It was just instant hugging and ice cream, now they’re best friends forever. Everything played up to the max to manipulate people’s emotions. None of their issues were worked out and they had no better understanding of each other than they did at the end of Days. Honestly, even though Roxas and Xion got the red carpet treatment compared to Isa, the resolution to their trio was just as pathetic as Isa/Lea’s duo. 

[agent-absinthe]

For the ficlet thingy, could I get a Harry x Merlin with In The Next Room by Neon Trees as the song? I LOVE YOU DEAR, I HOPE YOUR MOVE WENT WELL 💖

(I love you, bitch!  I ain’t never gonna stop lovin’ you, bitch!  And we are as settled as we’ll ever be lol thank you!!!)

Thank you for this song I absolutely love it!  The music video and song itself gives me ‘younger vibes’ this also got waaaay longer than I anticipated!

~

There you go Messin' with my mind, I am usually better when I lie

Of all things Harry Hart was prepared for when his uncle selected him as a candidate for the position of “Galahad” in Kingsman, Myrddin was not one of them.  He could shoot anything(or one) that was put in front of him, get out of all corners he was backed into, and was willing to decimate all of the other candidates in order to get the title.

But apparently doing any of these things while Merlin’s apprentice was present was out of the question.  Which it seemed was ALL the time.

“Expected better of you, Hart.  Your Uncle spoke so highly of you, but if you muck up the next task you’ll be out.”  Merlin tsked at the recruit who was covered in all manner of unspeakables from his crawl through the sewers after an infiltration task had gone dicey.

Myrddin was behind him taking notes on a clipboard for the old man, but didn’t follow him out of the recruit’s quarters.  Instead he hung back to watch a humiliated Harry trying to pull his boots off.  Harry heard rumors from the other recruits that Myrddin was a lowly criminal that Merlin hand selected to take over his position once he retired.  He was handsome, brilliant, and crass enough to make sure that the usually upper class recruits knew not to fuck with him. 

“Ye really killed it with the servant bit, never laughed so hard in my life watching a rich boy pretend ta be a butler and fuck it up that royally.”  

“I’m usually much better at lying.”  He said with a blush, wanting to add that if Myrddin hadn’t been there supervising in a nice suit he wouldn’t have royally fucked it up.

“Ya well you did the best outta the rest of the recruits.  They just dinnae like how ye decided to execute it.”

“I did well?  Why are you telling me this?”  

The Scot grinned in a way that seemed to make his jawline sharper and he shrugged, “got a soft spot for curls I guess.  See ya around, Hart.  Oh, and the old man is right, try not to fuck up the next task.”

You make love to everything you touch, It's a natural reaction, It's a sexual attraction

“Nervous?”  

“I have to save Margaret fucking Thatcher I’m furious.”

Myrddin laughed at the response but continued his work with fitting the new Galahad with his various spy equipment.  At the moment his hands were moving across Harry’s face positioning the spy glasses he had updated.  His fingers were long and cold, ghosting over his cheeks, temples, and the glasses like they were too precious to touch.  And then they were in his hair.

“What-?”

“Yer a mess, if you go in there lookin’ like you’ve just been shagged she’ll be dead on the spot.” 

His fingers combed through the unruly mess of curls coaxing them into a more suitable style for a royal wedding, he made the gesture so casual yet Harry forgot how to breathe until the Scot clapped him on the shoulder.

“So!  Come back in one piece and we can go out for a pint, whether the witch is alive or not.”

Ooh I lose control.  When I hear your body move, And I'm dying to break through

“Harry- sorry, sorry I know it’s Galahad- Galahad are you there?”  Myrddin’s voice sounded in his ear after the wedding of Prince Charles and Princess Diana, his accent much more subdued since he was being watched by Merlin and Arthur.

“I’m here.  Are you my handler?”

“Aye, I’ll be with you the whole time so don’t worry about a thing just focus on keeping Prime Minister Thatcher alive during the reception and finding the assassin.  We’re gonna do spectacular, got it?”

Galahad’s stomach had been in knots during the entire ceremony, but hearing that voice and the confidence that it brought made his shoulders pull back and gait become more sure.  All he wanted to do was find a way to crawl through the earpiece and feel Myrddin’s hands on his face again, or his lips, or-

“I said got it, Galahad?”

“Loud and clear, just keep talking.  Who’s our first suspect?”

If you only knew, How hard it is to handle, How bad I want this scandal

“Butterflies?  Really?”

“You did ask what I like to do outside of Kingsman.  I collect and study them, almost did it as a career.”

“That’s weirder than I thought.  Oh well, its yer turn, shoot.”

The pair had gone out in celebration of their successful colab in stopping Margaret Thatcher���s assassination.  After a few hours at the pubs they found themselves back at the spot that started it all- Kingsman Tailor.  Lounging on the overstuffed chaise, a bottle of gin being passed between them.  Both, very intoxicated.  

“What’s your name?  You know mine but I don’t think I’ve ever heard yours.”

“It’s...Hamish.  I hate it.  Can’t wait to get that Merlin title, sounds so much better than Hamish.”

“Why do you hate it?  It’s lovely, which is fitting for you.”

A soft smile, “think maybe ye should set down the gin, Harry.”

“No, its true!  In fact I almost failed out of Kingsman because of you.”

“Because of me?”

“Yes!  I was supposed to be fucking getting into servants quarters and learning how to hotwire and shit and you were just there every time and all I could think about was your stupid face and voice and your bloody hands.  You’re very distracting and every time it was so hard not to just- to just...”

“Harry,” and Hamish sounded sad suddenly, “we can’t, you know we can’t.  M’still not even an official agent.  They’d fucking tear us apart if they found out we did anythin’.”

“Then we don’t let them find out.”  

“Dinnae think Harry Hart would be one for a scandal.”

Harry moved(well stumbled) from his spot on the floor up, using Myrddin’s legs for support to practically crawl up him until they were nose to nose.

“You have no idea how badly I’m ready for this one.”

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S2 Ep 43: Things Get a Lot Less Vague, But it’s Still Pretty Vague

I’m taking full advantage of the laziest time of the year and I’m watching even more Yugioh. I even gave myself a buffer. Sort of. I kinda lost a day playing Octopath Traveler and I don’t even remember that happening.

Now this episode doesn’t have anyone getting struck by lightning, but if that happened, it would have fit right in. A lot happened in this episode. So, to start off, Mai decided to play one of the three cards we were given explicit instructions to never ever play and it has immediately screwed her over via orb.

Everyone else watching the orb has become completely enamored by it. Especially Kaiba, who is pretty positive he can turn this sphere into a dragon. I don’t know why anyone would ever come to this conclusion, but welcome to Yugioh, it’s well into S2 and I’m just still jaw agape and saying “HOW?” at my screen.

Like y’all I don’t know how to play this game, which should be hella apparent from reading any of my posts, but like there is one thing that everyone knows--even I knew--about Yugioh the game. Let me just, once sec

Ah, there we go.

Like sometimes it shows that your game is originally in a language that doesn’t require spaces between words. And like this is coming from me. You know how verbose I am, I freakin love words. But maybe that’s too many words for a card.

(read more under the cut)

And while this is pretty much the worlds most BS card already, what’s even better is that none of this jargon appeared until after Mai played the card. Like basically the card pretends to be completely normal and then is like “Boom, gotcha. I’ll just be a cool Ikea orb lamp instead!”

At this point, while everyone is scrambling around trying to fathom what to do about this huge ass fake sun blinding everyone down in Domino, Marik decides to deposit some more bizarre lore.

I kind of assumed Yugi and Kaiba were born with the correct soul formula to become the reincarnation of these people from 3000 B.C.E. without any actual blood relations but apparently, somehow, you got people from Ancient Egypt migrating to Ancient Japan. Sure, I mean if you did enough trading routes it could happen. It just seems like it would be a difficult transition?

And we could get real head canon and talk about their parentage since there’s a lot we don’t know. Mokuba and Kaiba could have different fathers, since they are quite different looking, which may be how Mokuba is exempt from all this lore while it still applies to Seto (Cuz Mokuba has been staring at that card for like quite a while and he cannot read it). But like, I don’t know if the show will even bother to cover that.

I don’t know if we’ll find out when in their bloodlines Kaiba and Yugi’s Egyptian cursed lines arrived in Japan. Was this during like the Edo period? Was this to set up a really bizarre Shogun Yugioh spinoff?

Wait, is that a thing? I don’t actually know, Yugioh seems to have like 8 spinoffs that all look a lot of the same to me. It may just be 1 spinoff that Netflix keeps changing the preview image of to trick me into thinking there’s 8 of them.

Or, did Kaiba have a relative that showed up in the 80′s and had a crazy weekend and a one night stand? Would Kaiba even know who his real Dad is?

Whatever, I’m sure there’s plenty of fanfic made over the last 20 years to cover this so I don’t have to. Moving on.

And then this kid’s show decided to tie up Mai to a wall or something? Man, Marik and chaining people up, this is the fourth person he’s chained up today! At least this time she doesn’t have a box over her head.

Still pretty kinky though.

Yo did Mokuba just...casually walk out of Marik’s Shadow Realm just now?

Again, do they cancel the game at this point because the equipment is...clearly malfunctioning? Like, this is the part that Kaiba is supposed to have full control of because he made all the equipment they’re using and he’s just...glossing over this? Like, this is the one thing that Kaiba would be like “OK wait, wait, we can’t ship it like this, my company is actually ruined if the game can do this, one sec, cancel everything.”

Nah. They just kinda watch.

And now, Marik decides to say the bird chant so we can hear what was actually written on the card and it was...a...

...it was the definition of what a poem is all right...

This is the lyrics to the Ra poem, just so you can see how bad it is. My search engine history will never be the same, but I just want y’all to glory on how kid’s show this poem is, compared to everything else going on in this kid’s show at this moment.

"Great beast of the sky, please hear my cry./

Transform thyself from orb of light and bring me victory in this fight/

Envelop the desert with your glow and cast your rage upon my foe./

Unlock your powers deep within so that together we may win./

Appear in this Shadow Game as I call your name,/

Winged Dragon of Ra"

Bravo, writers. Bravo. This corny as hell poem with its very awkward meter was voiced over alllllll the other nuts stuff going on in this show and guys, it’s a juxtaposition.

Now at this point, Kaiba has his poem he needs to make the card works--so he no longer needs to translate it--so he can just cancel. He’s got everything he wants now. Time to just cancel. Throw the cursed boy in whatever prison you got on this ship. In fact, just toss him off the ship entirely. You no longer need him. He doesn’t even have the card anymore. Mai has it.

I honestly think Kaiba just spaced the hell out at this point.

Also then Marik follows it up by saying this:

Joey gets wind that this is pretty bad and we’re going to get a very dead Mai--I mean Joey was the one who just recently got struck by lightning so it’d make sense that he’d be the one to say "I know for a real true fact none of you are going to do a damn thing about this unless I do this myself.” So he runs directly over to Kaiba but then I think the show decided to edit out him talking to Kaiba because it just jump cuts to Joey talking to Roland instead.

Like it really felt like Joey went the long way around to get on this platform but I dunno, maybe he tried to punch Kaiba in the Japanese version and that’s why they edited it out? I dunno.

Also, how many times will Joey get DQ’d before he actually gets DQ’d? Will anyone ever in fact get DQ’d in this entire tourney?

As Ra starts warming up his engines to start spewing fire all over the field, Joey decides to take a moment to try and talk to Mai. To tell her that yes, he did have a dream about her, but didn’t want to tell her earlier, because no teenage boy in their right mind would tell an adult woman that they had a dream about them during a near-death experience.

Which honestly most of it was lost on the fact that Mai can only hear him as a sort of ghostly spooky echo.

So then, through the power of...the show only calls if friendship, but it’s very vague, y’all...they break the curse that Marik put on Mai, and she remembers Joey. Also because Joey is touching her face. Like literally touching her. This would have been way spookier if she could not see him at this point.

So Ra is getting ready to fry these two up and I thought “wow, we’re gonna get two bodies at the end of this episode. What a treat!” but there’s a twist.

What? Lol what?

Within like 3 milliseconds, Yugi goes “dammit what are these assholes doing?” and leaps up to the platform and then takes yet another direct fireball hit in order to save Joey Wheeler. No one even asked Yugi to do this--he’s not even competing in this game, but he certainly got up there and took it.

This episode must have been a right up shipping frenzy when y’all were 12.

Marik is so pleased that he got to eff up Yugi more in this duel than the one that he actually tried to kill Yugi Muto in. If I remember correctly he did mention that this all was very convenient--I mean he got 3 in one go and he wasn’t even trying. So, Because Yugi is passed out and because Kaiba will never actually step in and stop anyone in this show unless Mokuba orders him to, Marik walks straight up to Joey and Mai and makes some more nonsense right in front of everyone on this show.

This is right in front of most of the entire cast.

Maybe it’s the color scheme but I got strong Stinky Cheese Man vibes from this magic effect.

I thought of pulling more caps from this point but there was waaaay too much shirtless Yugi in it. In my mind, all cartoon characters, when they take their shirt off, have another shirt on underneath. And if they take off that shirt, it’s yet another shirt. It’s shirts and boots leggings on all the way down to infinity like a russian nesting doll, and the image of shirtless Yugi really puts a kibosh to my world view and I didn’t like it.

No kinkshame, of course, if that’s your thing, well, you got a 18x18 pixel shirtless Yugi right there for you to enjoy. Enjoy.

Now that Mai has been trapped here in this hourglass resort, she will lose her memories of her friends for the rest of time, obsessively watching everyone else's vacations that are full of friends having way more fun than she is having.

This is just Instagram basically. Y’all, this is just Instagram.

And some of y’alls Instagram has shirtless Yugis in it, I just know it.

And not to get too real but like, last episode we went through how Marik basically gave Mai depression--and it says a lot that his way of doing this was illustrated in a show written like 20 years ago in a lot of the same way social media works today. Just throwing that out there. 

Overall, I feel like the theme of the Mai ark is “Marik just sped up what they were already doing and it was super effective.” Mai trapped herself in her own false and negative insecurities. Kaiba failed to moderate anything. Joey waited way too late to say the right thing. Yugi sacrificed himself again to such a degree that he couldn’t save Mai later when Marik was just strutting around cursing people willy nilly.

And I’m not going to lie, Marik’s cargo pants/cape strut was hilarious.

It was probably supposed to be menacing, but this long cut of this ridiculous cast just watching this weird boy go was great.

Up until now Seto has been a very patient impatient person, but now it’s finally his duel, and he’s so excited to duel Ishizu--but y’all it’s just Seto up against a phsycic again. I imagine it’s gonna go real great.

Other than that one guy in town, will this boy ever duel a normal person?

Also...been debating on whether Mai is dead or alive, and her soul still seems attached to her body--like she’s still salvageable? So I’ll say alive for now. Seems more like a dream than like she literally got transported elsewhere.

Dude. It is S2 and I just realized that Mai Valentine is a pun.

Damn.

If you just got here, this is the end of S2 and things are rapidly losing their mind. Click here if you want to read from ep 1

[stormyth-art]

"Hey, you alright man?" He asked me as I chugged the bottle. The poison burned my throat but somehow I was okay with this. I wasn't really sure what came over me. I saw the bottle sitting there and well, it seemed like a pretty good option. I just found out my entire life has been a lie, an experiment I got no say in, so how am I supposed to continue a life that was never real to begin with? "Dude, listen, we gotta keep moving. Let's go," his voice seemed to get farther away but when I turned around he hadn't moved. I started to feel dizzy and tried clumsy passing the bottle to him. I smiled as it rolled off my fingers and crashed to the floor. It was me next and I was somehow okay with that.                                                               ~ I woke up being carried on his back and took a deep sigh. "I had the antidote," he told me. "We need you, don't go dying on us," he heaved me up on his back a little higher and continued running down the dark, seemingly abandoned hall. I felt relieved. Not because I was still alive, but because, at least to someone, I had more of a purpose then I believed, some reason to be alive outside of the facility. I just wish I knew what it was. ________ This is a character from a little story idea I had awhile ago but who knows if/when I will actually write it. None of the characters even have names. And I apologize for the dark theme but I couldn't think of anything to do with poison that I could draw and write about for my other, more happy, story,and this story has a lot of room to add things to and it seemed fitting enough given his situation. (it's kinda like 'The Truman Show' but worse lol I have no original ideas) also, I drew his head waaaay too big again....and his hand is waaaay too small.....

[fandomfriendly]

I want to be all diary like rn

so like I could just make a note of whatever I’m bout to say but I want it like live forever and i know literally no one on this damn site cares about what i have to say so here I am lol..

I’ve been in this weird pit of overwhelming emotions accompanied by the incapability of processing them for the past few years. It took me so much time to even realize I had such a problem with allowing myself to be a regular fuckin human and initially when I first started seeing the signs of how mentally unhealthily I was living I didn’t know what the fuck to do and abruptly cut off pretty much everything and everyone I loved. I became a fucking hermit. I kept telling myself I was doing it for the better, that I cut everything off and am gonna take my time to heal and grow as a person and when I feel better i will try to rekindle with everything and whatever doesn’t work, just wasn’t meant to be. Which is a mentally unhealthy thing to do in the first place and potentially not only harmed myself but those around me but life’s a fuckin cycle of realizing shit so,,,

Anyways I went through some hella hard times filled with anxiety and depression, literally every day was either full of tears and feeling every emotion at once or was empty and ghost like. But I pushed through it. I learned a lot about my self and how my mind works. I grew as a person and still am. I’m not sharpest in a lot of ways but i know I just want to be a kind and accepting person, not that I wasn’t all those years ago, it’s just that back then I couldn’t present myself as such as I didn’t even have the fucking motivation to live. I mean I like to think I was kind in others eyes but I also fucking hate thinking about what others might think me so again,,, lol. I just know now that I’m trying to be a better person, and I’m trying to learn more and do more this year than I have in the past four years.

I’m writing this now because I’m in a really good state of mind. This month alone I’ve had conversations I never thought I would with people that are so close to me yet knew so little about. That sounds so cryptic lmao. Basically i spoke with my closest family members about struggles mentally and the past and how emotionally traumatizing it was for them and in turn I allowed myself to open up about the exact same thing. A specific convo was with my mom, a woman who has been through hell and back. She told me about past abuse, most of which I was there to witness and we have talked about before, but this time it was different because we spoke as equals. I’m gonna be honest I didn’t open up as much as I could have but it felt like I finally walked over a hill I was dreading for so long. I used to just be a good fake and slap a smile on in difficult time probably not fooling anyone. It’s always been a problem opening up to my family and friends but send me a stranger and I’ll talk their ear off.. well sorta, so like in high school i saw a grief counselor who i guess was technically my therapist but she was a total stranger and the second she asked what I even need to see her for, I broke down. I swear she said like two sentences but I rashly explained all the shit i was dealing with in between fits of tears. At the second meeting I felt like she knew my whole life but somehow I still had more to say?? I literally don’t know how I was so comfortable sharing all that with a stranger so fast like I get it’s her profession and I would’ve opened up eventually and that it could’ve clicked in the back of my mind like ‘why waste time just tell her everything now!’ But idk I think if I were to talk with a stranger that is willing to listen, I would legit do the same thing.. idk.

Anyways, opening up in the slightest bit feels like a major accomplishment. And the fact that i could with my mom who, god bless her, did so much that was seemingly unhealthy and careless to others but meant the world to me, felt amazing. There’s that thing about high school being the time of your life and living it up- a pre show of college which I wasn’t really expecting to be true in the first place but what I didn’t expect was to be emotionally unstable dealing with anxiety, depression, self hatred and grief. So when all this shit hit me like a truck, I was left feeling numb not wanting to do anything with little to no interest in any previous hobbies and likings. I grew up feeling said things^ but didn’t realize until hs how worse it got over time. In the midst of all of that I didn’t know what to do and was having frequent anxiety attacks and even though I couldn’t explain it at all, my mom had a sort of understanding and allowed me to stay home like every damn day. Like I said wasn’t the greatest thing to do but it helped in its own way. In the first years of hs my relationship with my mom was rocky but towards the end she screwed her head on and became more mama bird then ever. We bonded and it felt much better, almost like we rekindled after a long time. Which is kinda true.

Another thing I realized in the past four years was how normalized death was to me growing up. Like by the time I was eight I went through at least six funerals which to my Catholic Mexican/Filipino family meant six mortuary family reunions, six forty day prayers full of greeting mama and papas, being one of the only children to not be playing in the backyard but rather doing the rosary with the adults and what my fam called the ‘Filipino golden girls’ singing walk with thee. Not to mention the other annual prayers with said golden girls where we had a Jesus of Nazareth statue that traveled from the Philippines for a whole week and just prayed for mercy and the souls of our dearly deceased. Like this was the norm for me.. but ALL of that did not prepare me for the deaths of two of the most important people to me. I mean I guess it did because after one of the passings, after a ton of tears and goodbyes in a hospital room, I got in the car and on the way home and immediately thought about where the nice tablecloth was and the saint statues and how to move the table we used as an alter at the previous prayers. So yeah I was prepared but not for the emotions.

Back to why I’m writing this now, i just feel happy??? Idk why this past week was a rollercoaster but overall I felt happy,,,, idk. Imma elaborate..(holy shit I said I could talk the ear off a stranger and look at me spilling hella shit about me rn to the three strangers who’ll see this and scroll right past lmao.) So hmmm, there was a party hosted at my house recently and I was hella excited, I felt like I looked great and was ready to party but as all other times when there’s a gathering of any sort at my house, this weird overwhlelming feeling pops up and fucks everything up. It’s basically a fucking anxiety attack but soooo much weirder than the ones I dealt with in school. I mean they’re both basically the same but these ones felt worse. Because not being able to leave my room for school full of kids I barely knew and not being able to leave my room for a patio full of family and friends that I’m mostly close too should not result in the same form of anxiety. Idk tho it’s all in my sick brain!! but yeah that shit sucked I stayed in my room the whole night, hungry and sober which were two of the things I was absolutely not supposed to be!! There were tacos, &(oops) my fave tequila, good music and fun things planned but that didn’t stop my sick brain from telling me nO. And another thing in this glorious month is —Father’s Day. liSTEN I’m hella damaged nd am not trying to get into ALL of this but to keep it short, my dad who wasn’t in my life until I was one and only very briefly until I was thirteen which also turned out to be very briefly until I was eighteen which you guessed, was also very briefly, just isn’t a good dad. i have a half sibling who I feel so bad for because her parents are literal idiots that just shouldn’t have had kids because they can barely take care of themselves. But the very brief moment when I was eighteen was because of said halfsibling that I was worried for but as of now that family is it’s own and I’m nowhere near it nor do I want to be. But really I wasn’t struggling with my own dad issues this time around but rather my grandpa. It’s just that i know Father’s Day is hard for him because he lost my grandma who gave him his babygirl, my momma. And I didn’t push any emotional induced conversation at all. But as we ate dinner the conversation was about how well he used to get paid as a server waaaay back when and that he’d have stacks in his pocket lmao we were like yeh okay as a waiter all right,, and he sorta slipped up and said, “No really! Ask Mama!” And I’m pretty sure only me and my brother in law heard because he moved on really quickly and there were side convos happening but like a wave of emotions came over me. I teared up the second I heard him say her name because it just reminded me more about how hard this day must be for him. And my throat is swelling up jus typing about it rn so I’m not gonna get eVEN more into it.

But yeah overall June has been okay. I have felt okay. And after months of not going on here I just thought “why not type about this?? This content feelin is all I crave and have been longing for and whenever I get it, in even the slightest, it should be appreciated and remembered.”

Whoop so like what’s some good things that happened in the last few months. Hmmm

Well I’m just finally acting, in the tiniest way ever, as an adult. I didn’t take grip of my life yet but like I took A STEP!!

I’ve got new things I like and am more open than ever to new things.

I’ve got hobbies!! I’m growing mint and wanna start and herb garden. I’m reading and learning a new language that I’ll probably never use but I’m learning it for fun and not for a grade or something and am taking my time with it. And a new language brings so much more!! More people, music, shows and writing!! I mean I’m at a hella basic level but all of those things are helping me.

I’ve thought about reigniting old flames lmao that sounds like getting intouch with old lovers but no. I mean creatively. In the past three years I barely even thought about drawing and in the past few months I found myself thinking about things I could draw up and cool ways to mix medias. I actually looked for my sketchbook and was gonna test it out but I saw some of my old work and got nostalgic and was almost putting myself in my shoes from that year and like that didn’t sit well so I haven’t tried. bUT at least I’m thinking about it again. I really think imma start again soon and just the thought of that makes me happy!!

I took up writing and the result is exactly what I thought,,, I suck at writing lmao but I tried and it was fun and it led me to find some writers online that made me cry over some fictional characters. some were fan fiction and??? A writer no less.. which really doesn’t need to be explained more especially on this site lol

I’m getting healthier. Not that I was suuuuper bad before but it was good either. I did have some horrible eating and sleep habits. I swear I was addicted to food like I ate to fill a void in me idk but l changed that shit real quick. And as for sleep,, well it’s still shit. Considering I started typing this at nearly six am nowhere near tired. Lately I’ve been falling asleep around 6:30am which indeed results in my waking up at noon or past it even but it’ll surely go back to the usual 2:30 to 10:30am schedule. Not too bad...

I’m dressing up again! I don’t go anywhere but catch me looking cute in a fit at home or 7-11. lol I used to be hella into getting dolled up for school and used to play around with hair cuts and colors and different makeup but then suddenly it was like mAYbe I’ll do my eyebrows today and rather than choosing good outfits I would wake up and change from my actual pjs to my outside pjs, loungewear, if you will.

Idk man i just am okay right now and that’s enough to keep me going. I haven’t had a really low point for a few months now and like I said I don’t get this content feeling very often so I’m just really soaking it all up. It’s good, I’m good.. 2018 is fucking flying and I didn’t think I’d get into new things this year but I did and I’m exited for more!!