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kosmicdream · 7 years ago

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Chasing the Dream

I’ve been working on FFAK for almost four years now. Its the longest project I’ve ever committed myself to by far, and every part of this journey is really a “first time” kind of experience for me. One thing that I often think about while learning about the creative process of making a long-format comic is that.. I wonder how much of this is normal?

Working on my comic every day, obviously, you go through ups and downs. Just like how life is. Its not really always an exciting thing, my comic is often kind of just part of my day as naturally as eating a meal. When you do something like that, its easy to look at your project differently. Its not a exciting, spontaneous thing its a loyal, loving dedication, but how do you keep that spark that first ignited the flame of creativity in the first place? how do you manage this.. relationship? I so crave to hear from other artists about what they do about it. especially from comic artists that i admire and look up to, just to get some sort of frame of reference of what i should be expecting from this, all the while knowing my personal journey is mine alone and could never be replicated again.

One thing that is difficult to get accustomed to is that, people will (hopefully) have opinions about your comic. Its the ideal thing is to have people talking about it. But that stuff can really get in your head too. Not in a positive way. Learning about those boundaries is an essential aspect of the creative process. I wish i could give proper tips with this, but its something I struggle with too much to feel like I can really confidently advise on. Its also not really the focus of what I want to write about currently.

I feel somewhat lost with my life a lot of the times, with goals and directions. Since putting ffak down all around me, like building a bridge to an unknown future- I suddenly feel like I have somewhat of a stable home to return to that i want to uphold and see to the end. A frame of reference for myself in what i want to be part of my identity and be known for. But that in itself, is intimidating. I don’t know how to protect it properly to let it grow, I have to catch myself for when I face an unexpected challenge and i dont know what I’m building towards most of the time. I have a lot of dreams of what that might be, but I don’t know if im ever going to reach it with this bridge.

When it comes to thinking about my far off, no holding back dreams are, it really doesn’t feel like I’ll ever get there-- but I also never thought I would be where I am standing now, and I am still walking and building towards.. something. The motivation to keep forward even if I don’t know where i will go, while imagining that far off dream and if I’ll be lucky to obtain parts of it is something that keeps working for me. But really, its almost just putting faith and truth in my fantasy dream. I just have always wanted it so bad and hungered for it. Even in the title of FEAST for a king i feel that it reflects that passion inside me and how its haunted me, inspired me and frustrated me. The comic is such a reflection of my own inner demons, spilling out in a tangled imperfect mess without the cosmetic editing to make it more palatable to read. (I know its a mess, trust me. I’ve just learned to accept that as part of its unique charm. Much like accepting my own mess of a self as part of my unique charm.)

When working on this bridge, I think a lot of my efforts are really the desperate effort to find somewhere I belong. I imagine this familiar hand to someone I dont know, stretching out from that void beyond my bridge and saying “There you are, welcome home” and i’m so eager to take that hand when I know I’ve seen it. I just feel that if I keep working that opportunity will make itself present to me and my anxiety of where I need to be will go away or at least diminish. I’m not sure what that hand really belongs to. Fame? Success and recognition? Companionship? Security? A Family? Is it my own damn hand?! Who am I really chasing after that I feel I don’t have already? I just question it a lot while still going forward, because its better to keep moving now that I’ve got a start on things. I’ve been stuck in one place for so many years and decades, In a lot of ways I am still stuck but this comic has helped me become unstuck.. or at least aware of how much i hold myself back from experiencing life for myself, or carving my own path in the world where I don’t have to feel like I need to be entertaining (or fitting a certain criteria) enough to be allowed there.

I really don’t know what its like to work on a long term project where you are working with publishers, editors, ppl who will help market you -- the support I get is from really 100% my readers and friends. That belief and excitement they give me is enough to feel like im doing SOMETHING. Maybe not something perfect, but it is something that is happening as apposed to not doing it.

Actually, to come back to how its important to have boundaries with what people say about your art-- i talk about this a lot because I am pretty defensive over my choices. When I feel like someone doesn’t “get” what i do, I would get very frustrated. But it was also really fun to feel that way, I enjoyed getting all wound up over my own story and how people were interpreting it. It helped me reflect and figure out myself and as time went on, comments don’t bother me the same as they did anymore. Generally though, people are pretty nice to me. Either that or they just don’t bother reading my comic at all because it has too many weird sex things in it and is too long and confusing. That is cool too.

When people say something about my work where that, my comic is “OK” but not “great” -- or something along the lines of mediocrity-- that’s where it really hurts a lot i think. There’s no contesting that, its just how they feel. Intstead of that image of a hand reaching out, you know that hand is not going to be there. Its different from a hand slapping you across the face because they get angry about it. Of course, aggressive violent flappyflap hands are not fun to deal with too, but for some reason there’s still the presence of them BEING there. Even if they’re enraged, its like, they are enraged enough to stick around and try to tell you off. But when someone’s read your work and just felt Meh, there’s a certain kind of rejection that is hard to accept. It really challenges the artistic pride. And its sooo easy to take that as some sort of universal acceptance of your work, because its like-- am I though? Is my bridge just going to be this average, mediocre one? Is that even a bad thing? Shouldn’t I be content with that? But then the faded idea of your dream and your true, secret selfish goals kind of come back to focus. Your hunger returns and you don’t feel satisfied with that answer.

When I keep working, i just try to imagine that I’m not just an artist, I’m the greatest artist ever. That might not even make sense, that statement, but when I feel hung up or defeated and not good enough, I just know that I cannot stop here because.. what would the best artist ever do? they would figure out a way to get over it and keep going forward. There is no obstacle to that person. Even if I am not that person, pretending I am is enough to get me a little closer to where I want to be than I was before. And so i find myself sort of chasing after that imagined version of myself. And in three going on four years, I can at least confidently say I have made that gap between me and that other self..just a little closer.

Anyway, thank you for reading this or my comic!

-Kosmic

#ffak #feast for a king #ffak faq #personal

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