#fleeing abusive households if you fear for your life and safety is not shameful in any way

[curious-sootball]

Bonus to my rant about Grank and the Legends in general:(CW: mentions and discussion of domestic abuse and alcoholism)

This freaking scene. It kind of flown over my head when I was younger, but during my recent re-read (which I paralleled with skimming the GoG wiki) it occured to me: Theo is a domestic abuse survivor. (His father was a solider in H'rath's army and wanted his kids to follow in his footsteps; spoilers, it did not work out at all), and he tried joining the Glauxian brothers and got rejected there right before he stumbled into Grank's hideout (I have a strong suspicion that Kathryn came up with Theo's family backstory a tad later, while she was writing the 10th and 11th books; otherwise this bit feels very, very weird). And he was greeted with an absolutely unwarranted dickery from Grank and doesn't even get an apology later (yes, Grank is still a dick towards him way later, when Theo is skilled enough to forge battle claws), and his response is this. F u c k i n g yikes, this kid deserved better. (To be fair, he calls Grank out on being racist and a hypocrite – old douche tried to lie that no one taught him how to handle fire. Fengo would like to have a word with you about that, Grank).

I cannot stress this enough, but Theo also builds his points like a legal defense – very clear, very little room for ambiguity, he literally means what he says. "Can we get on with the rules?". And he thanks Grank once he puts everything out clearly. Let's be honest, Grank did not deserve this guy as an apprentice.

This poor kid uses logic as defence. (This may or may not be a result of an inconsistent writing).

I admit, i thought that Theo was kinda sassy when I first read the book, and he positively is, but: Grank absolutely deserved to be dragged during that scene.(plus, looking back, I was going through a lot of stuff I wasn't aware of when I was a kid).

The fact that Theo was forced to leave his younger brother back in an abusive household is its own kind of messed up.

I actually felt bad for his mother when I got her full backstory on my first reading through; this stuff is disturbingly grounded for an arc that features an "always chaotic evil" species and an owl version of king Arthur/messiah figure as a prominent character.

Tldr: young Theo is a precious brave kid who deserves the world and 👏 Grank 👏 is 👏 a 👏 dick👏.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Hyper-vigilance: always feeling “on edge,” alert, unable to relax even in spaces that should feel safe. May be combined with an elevated “flight” response, or feelings of always being prepared to flee. (I used to hide important documents and possessions in a sort of emergency go bag, even when I was living alone and there was no logical reason other than it made me feel “prepared.”)

Difficulty regulating emotions: may include mood swings, persistent numbness, sadness, suicidal idealization, explosive anger (or inability to feel anger and other strong emotions), inability to control your emotions, confusion about why you react the way you do.

Sense of foreshortened future: assuming or feeling that you will die young. Recurring thoughts that "I'll be dead before the age of 30/40/18/21 etc." As a teenager I used to joke darkly that I didn't plan to live past 30—not because I planned to end my life, but because I simply couldn't imagine myself alive and happy in the long-term. I couldn't imagine a meaningful future where I wasn't suffering.

Emotional flashbacks: finding yourself suddenly re-experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, despair, or anger etc, often without understanding what has triggered these feelings. Often these flashbacks don’t clearly relate to the memory of a single event (since C-PTSD is caused by repetitive events, which can blur together), making them harder to identify as flashbacks—especially if you’ve never heard the phrase “emotional flashback” and don’t know what to look for. For years I just filed it under “sometimes I overreact/freak out randomly for no reason, probably bc I am just a terrible human being.” (It turns out there was very much a reason, it was just hidden in the past. I have since learned to be kinder and less judgemental towards myself.)

There are other symptoms too, here are more links with good info.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, because I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I interact with online have risk factors and experiences similar to mine. These include:

growing up in a dysfunctional household

having caregivers who do not fulfill basic emotional needs (do not provide consistent positive attention, encouragement, support, acceptance, communication, a sense of safety and security)

on a very related note, experiencing neglect or abuse at the hand of caregivers or other adults. I also want to emphasize the significance of emotional abuse, since it is hard to recognize, easy to ignore, and utterly rampant in so many communities. In general, family dysfunction, abuse & neglect are quite difficult to identify when you are a child/teen and that is the only “normal” you have known.

(For example, in my family it manifested as an emotionally absent father I was vaguely frightened of, constant nagging from a hypercritical mother, and a house full of people who yelled and screamed at each other. It took me years to realize I grew up in an abusive environment, because there was no physical violence, because I participated in the fighting, and because my behavioral problems made me the family scapegoat. And I internalized that guilt: I thought I was the problem. But no—I was a child, and I deserved not to grow up in a household full of anger and fear and negativity. You deserved that too. You deserved to grow up safe and loved and treated with kindness.) 

anyway back to more risk factors:

being neurodivergent or chronically ill (especially without receiving proper treatment/support/accommodation)

being queer (especially in a conservative or undiverse community, or without the support and acceptance of family & friends)

being the target of bullying or harassment (from peers, teachers, authority figures, irl, online, etc)

being isolated or alienated from peers, from family, from your wider community.

growing up with chronic anxiety, discomfort, pain, fear, or distress caused by any of the above and more.

There are many other experiences that can cause chronic trauma, but these are some particularly common ones I see people in my own community struggling with. And I want more people to be aware of this, because we’ve been taught to ignore and second-guess the significance of our traumatic experiences. We’ve been taught to feel guilty for our own pain, because “other people aren’t struggling, so I shouldn’t either” or (contradictorily) “other people have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” But that’s not how it works—you are not other people, and you deserve to have it better. We all deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We deserve not to be in pain.

I used to think I couldn’t have a trauma disorder because (I argued in my head) the things that happened to me weren’t that bad. And then I spent five years in therapy learning to accept the full extent of my issues. I’ve since learned that trauma comes in many forms, and can happen quietly, invisibly, silently, chronically, and usually without the survivor being aware of the long-term repercussions of what they are surviving. That revelation comes later, after you have survived and must instead learn to live.

Finally, no single type of trauma is more real or harmful than any other. Severity is measured by the way the individual is affected, and the same situations affect different people in different ways. Because no one gets to choose how their brain reacts to trauma. No one gets to choose their hurt—otherwise there would be a hell of a lot less hurting in the world.

We can, however, choose to seek help. We can learn to recognize when something is wrong, we can learn when to reach out to professionals, and we can learn to educate ourselves on our injuries.

And gradually, we can learn to heal.

(posts like this brought to you by ko-fi supporters)

[thebluelemontree]

Hi, this is lyastark (i changed blogs), you responded to my ask here: /post/175700394682/. i wanted to say that i loved your meta! i was thinking more of their relationship in the purpose of the story. for me, no one knowing about this interaction has to serve some plot purpose. b/c of this, i think that sandor is going to be the one to tell her about LF shitty behavior towards her. her relationship with him is the ONLY one that LF doesn't know about. we know he doesn't b/c he NEVER mentions (1)

sandor to sansa. he was quick to dismiss tyrion, loras, wilas, margaery, etc but he said nothing about sandor. i also believe that sansa has gotten to the point where there’s no one “new” she has met that she would 100% trust with something this big. sandor is someone she explicitly trusts not to lie to her, and is someone she associates with safety and her old life. he’s her hidden dagger, if you will

Hey, glad you liked it.  

Yeah, I’m in agreement that Sandor will be crucial to Sansa reclaiming her identity in a few ways, and it will pay off that their relationship has flown under the radar for all this time.  While Jeyne Poole is also an alternate possibility or an addition to that, I think Jeyne is on course to meet with (perhaps travel with) Arya first.  It may take all of TWOW, maybe to the beginning to ADOS, for Arya and Sansa to reconnect.  One thing I’m reasonably sure of is that things will start happening pretty quickly in TWOW for wrapping up Sansa’s training arc.  With only two books left, it’s time to start moving all the remaining characters into the final act.  

I’m just going to put the rest under the cut.  This isn’t so much a coherent meta, but me just riffing because I have a lot of feelings about this topic XD

Littlefinger was only a mask he had to wear. Only sometimes Sansa found it hard to tell where the man ended and the mask began. Littlefinger and Lord Petyr looked so very much alike. She would have fled them both, perhaps, but there was nowhere for her to go. Winterfell was burned and desolate, Bran and Rickon dead and cold. Robb had been betrayed and murdered at the Twins, along with their lady mother. Tyrion had been put to death for killing Joffrey, and if she ever returned to King’s Landing the queen would have her head as well. The aunt she’d hoped would keep her safe had tried to murder her instead. Her uncle Edmure was a captive of the Freys, while her great-uncle the Blackfish was under siege at Riverrun. I have no place but here, Sansa thought miserably, and no true friend but Petyr. – Sansa I, AFFC.  

“She would have fled them both…” if she had another option available to her.  If she had another friend nearby, but in her mind, she doesn’t.   

For Sansa’s training arc to end, her sense of isolation and dependence on Littlefinger have to be overpowered.  It is a psychological obstacle as much as it is a physical one.  Sansa has seen Littlefinger literally get away with murder and come out in a stronger position than he was before.  He seems to always be a step ahead of his enemies.  He has already bribed and extorted his way to power among the Vale lords.  He’s iced Yohn Royce out of political influence.  He’s planted seeds of doubt in Sansa toward Myranda Royce before she even met her.  (On a side note, Myranda does know Sansa’s real identity, but has never confronted her about it and nor has she used that information against her).  So LF’s locked down all the potential allies or troublemakers that he can see.  But we know there are things he can’t see, like the possibility of Sansa winning Lothor Brune’s loyalty from him.  Nor does he seem to be aware of Lyn Corbray’s seething resentment over being ousted as his brother’s heir thanks to Littlefinger’s marriage brokering.  Not to mention he’s hired a bunch of hedge knights for his household guard not suspecting for a moment that they are there to steal Sansa from him.  Littlefinger’s hubris has made him blind to things that are right in his own backyard.          

While I’m 95% sure Sandor will be at the center of Sansa reclaiming her identity, I definitely don’t think he will be her only trusted ally or source of support before it’s over.  That comes from Sansa herself in doing what she does best:  being kind and empathetic to win people over.  I see her cultivating her own little band of helpers to escape rather than (as some speculations suggest) Sansa simply name-dropping at the tourney and all the Vale lords instantly pledging their swords to her as their new regent/leader/whatever.  That makes for a dramatic turn of events but is also pretty unrealistic as I see it.  I think she will eventually be in a position to receive Yohn Royce’s military support, but I strongly disagree that it’s going to be as easy as name-dropping.  Littlefinger has too much backing of his leadership right now.  The Vale lords at the tourney are already on board that gravy train of gifts, gold, and glory.  He has custody of Robert Arryn.  No one really gives a shit about Lysa’s murder and everyone is looking toward the future with the more robust young falcon, Harrold Hardyng.  IMO, Sansa needs to get with Yohn Royce before the rest of the Vale falls in line.  He’s against the ropes right now (and being kept far from the tourney for a good reason I think), but he is the one that is most likely to wrest back political power from Littlefinger once Sansa is no longer his pawn.  Then she would have powerful backing of her own.  The trick is getting her to Yohn Royce and for that, she needs a persuasive reason and the confidence to flee from LF.                      

Where Sansa is in the story right now, I think she already possesses most of the individual puzzle pieces to what Littlefinger has done.  She just hasn’t been able to bring herself to put all those pieces together into one complete, horrifying picture.  There’s a lot of trauma and suppression of painful thoughts wrapped up in the things she’s seen and experienced.  Things part of being Sansa Stark that will shatter the tenuous safety she finds in being Alayne Stone.  She knows on one level that Littlefinger did something with Jeyne.  She’s buried that memory and thinks about Jeyne only in more innocent times.  She hasn’t dared to ask probably for fear of the answer and for fear of the repercussions from asking.  And there’s the fact that she’s trapped with her abuser, who has muddled help and safety with exploitation and pushing her moral boundaries.  She’s under a lot of pressure to marry HtH, which has been framed as her best and only chance to go home, even if it comes at Robert Arryn’s expense.  All she has to do is let go of her empathy and see people as objects she can use to further her interests, and then she can not only feel safe but powerful and untouchable as well.  No one will ever hurt her again.  Littlefinger’s philosophy is terrifying, but there are parts of it that are very seductive to someone who has been made to feel powerless, stupid, and vulnerable.  In a way, Sansa is being tempted with adopting a cynical worldview similar to what the Hound was for Sandor. Narratively speaking, what better person to bring her back from the edge of losing her humanity than by the person she inspired to reclaim his own?  Sandor and Sansa have been saving each other all throughout their story.  The first moment they met was defined by Sansa looking Ilyn Payne, the persona of death, in the face and falling backward into Sandor’s hands (ugh, my heart!).  Many times he just seems to appear out of nowhere to catch her.  So yeah, Sandor as a “hidden dagger” works really well not only for literally saving her life, but saving Sansa Stark’s identity and her core values.  But that also comes with unpacking a lot of unpleasant things.                   

The missing piece of the puzzle and the one thing that will be the final straw should be learning that her father’s arrest and execution was orchestrated by Littlefinger.  Sandor was a present for all that.  He’s the best person to tell her, and yes, she would believe him.  That forces Sansa to start looking at all puzzle pieces she has avoided putting together.  Turning against LF will not just be a triumphant moment, but it’s probably going to be ugly and painful.  Sansa has a lot of suppressed guilt and shame over what LF has made her complicit in.  While she was never a willing participant and shifting responsibility on to her was a key feature of LF’s abuse strategy, Sansa has played a role to some degree in the cover-ups of LF’s crimes.  Some people think the unkiss is a symptom of PTSD.  Nope.  This situation right here puts Sansa at risk for PTSD.  It will be shattering to know she ever called Petyr a friend, trusted him, and sometimes helped him while he did awful things.  There’s your dark night of the soul that a few people reasonably predict for each of our major POVs in TWOW, especially if an innocent like Robert Arryn dies (I’m 50/50 on that).  She’ll need someone who can relate (think of Sandor’s dying anguished confessions of his sins), someone who won’t judge, and someone that can help guide her back to being Sansa Stark because right now, that identity comes with a lot of traumatic baggage.  Just as being Sandor Clegane did.  (UGH, MY HEART!) 

I could go on about how similar both Petyr and Sandor’s backgrounds and origins are, how cynism plays into their world views, and the divergent paths they took.  They don’t have to speak of each other or share a scene together, but they have always been opposing philosophical forces with Sansa between them.  One embodying sweet lies and the other blunt honesty.  But I think the most telling passage about these three is in Eddard VII:

Sansa said, "I knew the Hound would win."

Littlefinger overheard. "If you know who's going to win the second match, speak up now before Lord Renly plucks me clean," he called to her. Ned smiled.

Littlefinger bet against Sandor and lost.  Daddy approved.