#frailfish

[frailfish]

040623

I’ve been binge eating BUT I get a body competition coach next week which is like ultimate ana cover up lol but just want to be strong for once. I would say I haven’t been eating more than 2000 calories a day which is good for me for now since I was eating maybe like 6000 a day for so long

[frailfish]

12:30a.m 03/27/23

Very hungry right now. I haven’t eaten since like 2 PM yesterday(03/26). Being hungry keeps me awake and that’s what I don’t like. I gotta re-up on my sleeping pills so I can skip all of the hunger pains. I also stopped smoking weed so I could stop stuffing my face so that’s also another factor in me not sleeping. It’s tough.

Also I feel like bingeing because my feelings has been bruised a bit but I’m really digging deep. I gotta find it in myself to separate the feelings and hunger.

Anyways it’s been a first good week back. I think I will weigh myself this week to just have some knowledge of my CW.

Stay safe.

[frailfish]

Hey it’s me. I’ve gained so much weight. But I’m a few days back in the game. I honestly missed the feeling of hunger a little bit. The willpower and the strength it takes not to stuff my face makes me feel like I can do anything. This time around I’ve also been working out more. Trying to be careful as I’m getting older and sometimes can feel faint because I’m eating less than 600 calories a day but most times as I workout with limited food intake I’ve been okay.

Too ashamed to weigh myself right now but I give myself until maybe June I’m back to where I was before I started bingeing again.

Also I changed my GW & UGW. I realized the weight that I want to be is unrealistic for me due to age. Naomi Campbell says once you get a little older you can’t lose too much weight or it’ll age you.. and I’m way too vain to let that happen so instead of trying to be super underweight for my height my goal is to get just skinny enough to where I don’t look helpless and ppl don’t question me much 😅

032423

[frailfish]

I’m back to my starting weight. Kinda sad. But this weekend I already started my journey to being a skinny legend once again. The feeling it brought me doing this before was so exhilarating. My life has drastically changed since the last time so now I really think I’m ready to get on track and look my best. Wish me luck. I think this page and just having this as an open diary also helped me stay strong. I will try my best to update.

[frailfish]

2/28/21

28. Do you want that gap between your thighs? Why?

Yes! So my jeans don’t become distressed there. So the inside of my thighs aren’t dark. So once again I look like a model!

[frailfish]

60 hour water fast going on right now. I should go for 80 but 😅

S/N: I’m back to 183 thank goodness

[frailfish]

08/09/21

Okay so I’m fasting right now and I forgot how much will power I need when I want to get into the groove of things again. I fell off the wagon very hard but I’m ready to lose so much more than I did a few months ago. So sad I have to update my CW from 177 to 194 🤢. Next week I want to be between 185-190.

[frailfish]

2/24/21

24. How do you feel about the terms pro-ana /pro-mia?

Honestly I don’t feel a way and I’m not here to shame people. Anyone who seriously needs to lose weight basically have to use pro ana tactics to get there. People who do body building or bikini body competitions and everything else that falls into that lifestyle are basically anorexic to get to their goals and no one says anything about that. personally I’m not pro-mia so I can’t speak to that. But long story short I have no problem with the terms.

[frailfish]

2/18/21 2:18a.m

Here are two websites that help me get through some days. The second site listed changed their website layout for the calculator recently(past few days) I like it and I don’t.

***I think I’m gonna start seeing a psychiatrist I def need sleeping pills at this point. I also need adderral to study and of course...aid in weight loss. I know know addy helps you stay up but I’d take that early morning. ***

https://myprogresspics.com/what-does

https://www.precisionnutrition.com/weight-loss-calculator

[frailfish]

3/15

I stepped on the scale today and I feel like crying. I didn’t reach my goal for the week because I decided to be a fucking fat ass. This week was emotionally hard and even though I didn’t really eat a bunch. I ate shit I KNEW I had no business eating. I wanted to be 170-175 today and I didn’t make it. I was 177 on Thursday but I decided to eat like a fucking pig. I’m so disappointed in myself but I won’t let this binge continue! I’ll be strong.

[frailfish]

2/23/21

23. Did the media play a role in you wanting to lose weight?

I guess a little bit. I think me wanting to lose weight mainly comes from clothing options. So it’s more of the fashion industry’s fault. The media does provide imagines of people I’d love to look like though.

[frailfish]

2/26/21

26.What excites you most about your UGW?

I’ll look like a model! I’ll look great in clothes.

Currently fasting. Just drinking water. It wasn’t intentional. I just don’t feel like eating. Maybe I’m a tad depressed. I’m gonna try to break my fast shortly. Maybe with some ginger tea and apple sauce. I’ll update when I do.

Update: Decided to go for the full 48. Honestly I feel fine and I can go another day but I’m on meds so I shouldn’t push it. For those asking it’s the zero app.

[frailfish]

2/21/21

Haven’t eaten since Friday at 9pm. Took out some teeth yesterday. Gonna eat apple sauce and bone broth soon.

21. What are your clothing sizes?

Since I’m tall and curvy it varies. Some things I’m a medium but I can go up to an XL. I’ll say in most clothes I’m a Large or medium. Right now I’m probably like a US size 10/12. And even a size 14 depending on the brand.

My goal is to never past being a size US 6 ever again. 😭

Update : I ended up fasting for 41hours and 7 minutes.

[frailfish]

Okay I’m done

[frailfish]

3/4/31

This is all I’ve eaten today. About 330 calories in total . Water, coffee, and tea for the rest of the day. Honestly might cry if I’m not 180 by Monday. I think I’ll take a night stroll to get some exercise in. 😭

[frailfish]

7 hours and 54 hours into my fast and I want to binge so badly. I’m almost in tears. It’s 1:03am (2/17/21) in the morning and I want to go out and get chicken tenders. I ate 570 calories yesterday and it honestly might be a bit of a round up. I mostly aim to not eat over 1000 calories which I’ve been doing good at but I’m seriously stressing myself out with my hunger right now. Idk what to do. Eat or not eat. It’s so frustrating.