#fuck i just didnt know when i started my transition that id be fighting so hard every goddamn step of the way

[astranauticus]

post mortem for my orv animatic bc i have lots of thoughts and yall are gonna hear all of them (that is a threat)

first is the obligatory special thanks/plagiarism declaration section but a lot of the shots in this are inspired by the original changgwi lyric video which like. please watch it there's a reason this song is a classic animatic song on bilibili like the music is good but the video definitely helped. also speaking of bilibili, special shoutout to this arknights chongyue animatic that introduced me to the song that will haunt the next 8 months of my life!

the original inspiration was the thought that the verse of the spirit telling the story of its own death felt very yjh coded but it took like another week of stewing on it to have the idea of using the final chorus for the dkos arc which was the moment i decided i have to actually make this thing

going strictly by when i started putting pen to paper (pencil to ipad screen? whatever) this took almost exactly 5 months since i created the first drafts in february but the first 3 months ish from february until may were also my school semester so. most of the progress (id say about >60%) was done in the last two months of me working on this every moment i wasnt at work (or playing project sekai, for some reason)

also! funny little detail but counting the drafts and some discarded frames my procreate stack for this thing has exactly 49 artworks in it! neat little easter egg i guess (yeah 51 wouldve been more fitting but whatever)

this fully slipped by both me (at 2am) and my friend whom i sent the finished version to (fighting the flu) but in the final edit i didn't actually include the second half of the last lyric?? it's 'i will take you to the mountain god' i apparently just wrote 'i will take you' and never finished the rest LMAO

speaking of the lyrics i dont speak korean and im not a huge fan of most english translations of this song that exists so on multiple occasions i was so tempted to just use the chinese cover someone on bilibili did because then i'd at least be confident i know where the fucking line breaks were (there's one line at the end where im pretty sure i didn't edit on the line breaks correctly but that was more of an intentional compromise because the timings would've been off otherwise. anyway) tbh the only reason i didnt do that is the atmosphere and delivery of the original song is. really unbeatable like the cover's also pretty good but it doesn't quite achieve the same effect

also speaking of things i fucked up im aware i drew sys in the wrong outfit for the dkos fight but like. ok full disclosure my orv reference folder is a complete mess (theres like 400+ images in there. for some reason) so on net ive gotten character outfits wrong while working on this thing like at least 3 times bc id just grab a random webtoon screenshot from my folder and go w it. it's just that by the time i realised i fucked up i'd already finished drawing all of sys's frames and i was too lazy to go back and change all of them LMAO

anyway yeah some other random things i wanted to whinge about:

there's a lot of effects i wanted to do that didn't quite come across due to. lack of skill/time/patience/all of the above but the one im really annoyed about is the yhk postchorus bit with the 3 circles bc. first off i think i drew those while halfway dozing off on the train to school once because uh. yeah

anyway poor drawing aside id really wanted to recreate the sort of. drawn-in effect on the circles and lines that the original lyric video had but i could NOT for the life of me figure out a way to execute that in capcut so. here we are (also you cant put transitions on overlays in capcut so that's why those also looked so bad. youre welcome)

honestly my timeline for this in capcut looks pretty ridiculous bc if you want to do word by word animations/effects you need to pay for the pro version so my workaround was just to have like five thousand text layers with 1-2 words on it each (do not recommend btw)

speaking of the text im a moron so i kinda forgot to account for the text when drawing frames and wow you can tell. yeah next time im just hand writing the text fuck this

and i have some more thoughts that are. mild to moderate webtoon spoilers so past this will be the spoiler warning line

__________________________________________________________

actually my original plan was to upload this the day dkos dies in the webtoon but a. i genuinely did think it was gonna be yesterday like i dont pay for the early access episodes so i was just kinda going off orvtwt LMAO b. i could feel myself burning out on this like the last few frames i drew for this were fucking dogshit so i figured either i finish it soon or i wont finish it at all

i will probably still draw something for dkos' death day though for those who celebrate (basically when i was thumbnailing for one of the frames in this i ended up with one that didnt fit the video aspect ratio at all but still looks pretty good so im promoting it to a full drawing. so look forward to that)

like for an idea of how fucking sick of this shit i was by like. last week pretty much like for the last few frames of the dkos fight i straight up forgot to draw dkos' wings and had to add them in halfway through editing last night. like that's how fucking out of it i was by then lmaoo

looking back its actually kinda funny cuz the whole put this up when dkos dies thing was my plan since february but i had literally no way of knowing when that would be especially since the webtoon stopped going with the novel chapter numbers exactly (i could.. guesstimate but my original estimation was in june so yknow. real useful) but like i can find evidence of me panicking about that deadline since may. why did i do that

given that deadline i knew i cant really include stuff from the novel past the dkos arc but man. the amount of times i wanted to use something from later (ESPECIALLY 1863 arc). i actually have another idea i want to test out thats like full epilogue spoilers partially because working on this for so long made me realise i really want to make more epilogue content <- what

yknow how i mentioned discarded frames yeah i had to draw dkos' death 3 times because the first two compositions just never quite panned out. i mean the current one is also pretty unreadable with the colour scheme but trust me the previous ones were way worse christ alive

[rikkami]

Whoa didnt think id do this ever, personal, venting about life, relationships and shit.

So uhh.. My girlfriend broke up with me. Funny how I made blog posts about her a few weeks ago and now we are here. The few past months I had noticed she wasnt as interested in me as she previously was and we had our share of issues (not fighting or arguing but like, she had a hard time reciprocating my feelings sometimes.) and turns out, she's a lesbian. Another one of my girlfriends turns out to not like men, it was funny the first 2 times but the 4th time it just hurts. Extra cherry on top, I came out as a woman to her slightly over a month or so, obviously I still am male presenting so its understandable that if you dont like men or feel any attracting to them the same goes for me, but uhh, something about that hurt even more. She truly was someone I could trust and talk to about everything, my best friend ever since I had a harder time keeping in touch with my highschool friends. We did talk about life and everything, nothing will probably break our friendship unless its me fucking something up again (it has happened before with other people). We made a promise to each other that if it gets too hard to be with her for me I'll tell her and if at anypoint during my transition she starts being into me again, she will tell that to me, that we would keep everything out in the open, but theres no reason for us to commit to what 4+ years of nothing. We'll continue cuddling when watching movies because we both like human touch etc, I just hope it isnt too much for me. And deep in my heart I really hope its just the physical part of me that she couldnt fall in love with and at somepoint we can return to how we initially felt. But going down that path is not I want to put myself on again, I know how it goes already. But I truly do feel lost because despite being in another relationship of 7 years before her, I dont think I've felt this much attraction since I was in love with a long time highschool friend of mine, and thats more than 8 years ago. Theres like only 3 people who might read this, so at the sametime I guess its my way of telling whats been down with my ass since I really dont do that ever. I still havent started transitioning, trying to get in contact with my doctor has been a fucking hassle, but my legs are epilated and im smooth as fuck boy. I'm any/all, always has been, because finnish language doesnt have gendered pronouns i dont care. New name will be a finnish variation of Rika-Lily Jenny Riikka coming from my mothers name (its a long story but she doesnt use that name) Lilja has an even more personal meaning that would take even longer to explain, but also apparently its the Yuri flower (i did not know) so uhh this ex teased me about that and we had a good laugh. oh and the boring part, Jerry, Jenny, its too easy.

[eyndr]

Just ranting, ignore me

SO! Its been a fuckin hell of a year so far yet the misery continues!! Tried to move, went all the way across the country because thats where the opportunity was, living arrangements fell through. Moved all the way back, and now after a week of struggling to acquire health insurance i was finally able to call my trans doc and tell them 'hey i have insurance again please give me my boy patches' and let me tell you, i've been getting antsy because i ran out of patches almost 3 weeks ago and i've been taking it for long enough now that i'm not really supposed to stop, since it could have adverse health consequences. Which I've been warned about before because with my previous insurance I had to hound them every fucking month for a year and a half for my monthly refill and there were times when i went a few weeks without. Like i know its a controlled substance but they just wouldn't put my refill request through for weeks unless i called them daily about it, going back and forth between the insurance, the docs office, and the pharmacy.

Now of course i told the new insurance 'hey i have this medication i need, i need to be sure u cover it' and they went 'yep we sure do :) ' so i said great here's my money. Just got off the phone with the doc who says my new insurance wont cover my testosterone patches, and i'm about to flip my shit but then doc says they DO cover the injections. So uhhhh i guess i have to get over my fear of needles REAL quick because i'm gonna be sticking myself with em every two weeks now i guess

[munmunwerewoof]

your opinion on: each of the yakuza games; i know u like those but theres. so many of them

ok so thisll just be mainline. i have not played the original 1 and 2 or the spinoffs. spoilers minimum yadda yadda start 0- exceptional game. everything is super solid, its basically the peak of the brawler games. big reccomend k1- eh. the remake is basically just y0 2 but funny majima lmao!! and even then the majima shit gets boring after like, idk, 5 times. its alright though, the combat can get pretty crazy but thats like, it. k2- imma be completely honest: this was the most forgettable game for me LMAO. like yea ryuji is cool i guess and sotenbori in the dragon engine is pretty but other than that? its like... okay. like its not bad its just like whatever cool game. also i did like 0 side content in this game i think like i didnt touch the businesses at ALL. 3- its alright. the transition from super high fidelity dragon engine to early ps3 game engine was a little weird at first but other than that its okay. ppl complain about the combat but i didnt have much of an issue with it 4- SPEAKING OF COMBAT! least fave. i barely care abt the story and also the combat just DOES NOT FEEL GOOD. like as akiyama its all fine but then you're hit with a clunky slow style and a style that is not balanced at all with the other enemies. and the boss fights are BAD. genuinely some of the worst fights in this game. ugh i hate 4 so much 5- holy shit if you love side content youd adore this game. i honestly had more fun just doing side content than plot, but thats not to say its bad! its just that you kinda forget whats going on and you just shut your brain off. idk i like 5 its mega amibitious dumb fun with a story that falls apart when you think about it for more than a minute 6- speaking of stories that fall apart when you think about it for more than a minute is 6! its.. fine. ik people have a lot of problems with it but id say its still fun. i will say though that god damn this story is not written well at all. 7- absolute masterpiece. i honestly think if anyone should play at least one it should be 7. its just so good man the story and the gameplay and UGH its so fucking good man when i finish lost judgment ask me again and ill give my hot takes on the judgment games

[dolce-fritz]

So being the new evil girlfriend is fun

So recently my Partner has had some majorly stupid ass drama with their ex. Like this girl, she’s loopier then the Olympic oval, Like normally I’m nice and don’t slander people but like. She’s just, hoo boy. A mess.

And yeah this is from a completely biased stand point. And I’m about to tell you why that I feel the way that I do about this girl from my own experiences. This is going to be long winded, so I’m putting it under a read more. 

So I moved from the lovely state of Utah this year, my homelifes never been 100% great. I love my mom but our issues clash and we do better separate. Not to mention I really wanted to try it out in another state again and this time the right way and not just a spur of the moment decision while i visited like what happened with Florida.

Well, planned my vacation to See my at the time friend to see if I really liked it there.  I knew about their recent split with their Ex, and the two seemed pretty amicable about it. The other roommate was.... hoo, a mess to say the least. and My friend didn't want to be alone with her because they actually had been wanting to tell her to leave because of the issues that she'd brought into the home. anyways that in itself was a bit of drama.

So I was like OK. I'll come check it out and if I like it I'll be your new room mate.

Well. I plan my trip about four weeks out. and end up pretty excited about it. Come to find out with no real surprise that My friends Ex is going to move out before Octobers over.

My friend starts panicking. again doesn't wanna be alone with the other roommate that they're having hardships with. So I say ok... I'm going to do this vacation, then im just going to move on the 20th so I can get my stuff packed.

Shits already starting to go down hill.

I get there. everything seems fine. The ex seems nice, things seem ok. the other roommates.... already trying to cause shit with me and im not even physically in the house. I'm sleeping on a mattress on the floor in an old office space. bought a bunch of furniture because at this point. I know I'm moving here. Its going to happen. This is where I'm going to live might as well help my friend end up getting it taken care of.

Well. Day three of my vacation hits. The ex drops that her dad wants her to move out that day. completely screws the pooch for my friend and the other roommate. And basically bails on them and leaves the house just with the things she wants and then just leaves all the rest of her junk here like its her own storage unit. claims she’ll be back for the rest [ Spoilers never happened]  so that... right there puts this sour taste in my mouth. Cause yeah, me and her ex at that point are sharing a bed. Because like theres only three beds in the house until she ends up leaving and so my friends like ill just sleep with you. me i’m very fine sharing my sleeping space with my friends. i’ve done it literally all my life. hell a its not a goodnight sleep unless your on your best friends bed snuggling the shit out of her kaneki ken body pillow listening to true crime documentaries on the TV but like seriously it was no big deal to me. which im begining to wonder if it was a big deal to her. Either way apparently instead of waiting till i officially moved. she bailed and forced my hand. So I had to stay, I couldn’t properly say goodbye to my mom. couldn’t properly get my shit packed. all cause I really didn’t want to leave my friend alone till I could officially move in. So already, I started getting a slight distaste in my mouth for her. but I let it slide. I know how overbearing parents are sometimes.  well, so i cancelled my flights. money spent that i was never going to end up getting back that I could’ve later used towards something for the house.  The girl left. and I was left, Cleaning up the mess that she walked out of and left behind.  Turns out my friend was the only one that was cleaning up around the house. and working a part time job, while trying to side hustle some art for extra money.  They were the one that was handling all the utilities, while their ex was buying everyone food. Separate it would’ve been an easier task if it was just the two of them. but you add in the extra roommate that was only paying her share of rent and none of the food and utilities and shit starts piling up. Well.  sat down and looked at all the finances. found out that while yeah the Ex was making the most money. She didn’t bother to help out with any of the chores. I mean, they split the dish duty. And i’m sitting here wondering how long this pan of fish oils been on the stove for. had to buy new pans cause they were growing cultures.  Hell half her chores and the other roomates were doing the cat boxes. dude it was shit mountain in there. it was so bad the cats were going in the corner. Yet it was like my friend was expected to pick up after them and pick up their slack because they didn’t work as many hours as the other two. Which I’m sorry. if you can’t balance cleaning up after yourself. and working how the hell are you going to live on your own.  Well in comes me, the living off disability. [ which is not a glorious life] I have a lot of time on my hands. so first few days we douche out the house. things start looking good.  in comes the ex to get something and brings this utter douchebag of a man that boasts about him being the whole reason that they broke up. Which like when we were moving out the ex. the ex’s dads...girlfriend??? was like dont let them take advantage of you. which like made me pull up a shit ton of questionmarks. cause yeah i wasn’t going to let the other roommate do that cause i was kinda aware what her game was and it wasn’t playable with me.  everyone had their part to play in this household, and I wasn’t going to play mother for anyone. Well in comes this guy. boast about how he wont let anyone take advantage of her again and im like sure w/e dude. but like i started like... questioning wtf she was actually telling people that my friend actually did to her.  see, what i was told was that it was an intimacy issue. my friends pretty Asexual so like there wasn’t alot of physical involvement. and that things just weren’t going the way that their ex wanted them to. Turns out it was SOOOO much more then that. so curious me, got digging about this girl cause shit just wasnt really adding up.  and I started finding out things. At this time, friend started turning to partner. and eventually we started dating which made shit a lot more uncomfortable with me and this girl. cause yanno, new girlfriend. ex girlfriend. two things dont usually mesh well in situations like this.  Well so, started finding out that while in a relationship she was leading on a bunch of other guys, and at work would like do this whole “im bi” thing if the guy was cute. like she was very male centered for a “lesbian”  She was super horny on main during DND which made EVERYONE uncomfortable. to top it all off she was a narcissist, that had a victim that she could toy with.  She tried to convince my partners parents while they were still together, to talk to their child when there were behaviours that she didnt like. She tried to have an intervention with their friends to force them into transitioning FtM when they were happy just being nonbinary.  they would gaslight them, manipulate them, and  abuse them. I watched this girl in the span of three weeks tear my partner down with her words in front of me. and be nothing but venomous to them. for no other reason then they were actually happy.   While spining all these stories of how she was the one that was wronged.  Well, I started having enough of her coming around just so she could be mean to my partner. She’d come over. immediately go to our fridge to drink some of the booze she left and then pick at my partner for small insignificant things only because she wanted to fight. When i had enough of that. I told my partner, we’re going to DnD early. she can find her own ride.  She came to a family party, invited unknowingly by my partners brother that’s been over seas and in the military. She thought she was going to get a hookup complained she wasn’t having fun because he wasn’t paying attention to her. Snapped at my partners nephews because they wanted to play and made one of them cry. and was just toxic to be around.  That was strike two.  Strike three was watching how she conducted herself around our dnD group. she’d had this guy, mister “ i saved you from your bad relationship” on speed dial, and would tell him things. and then sit and shit talk him when she was bored with him to everyone. We were all sick of it.  The ending straw with me, was when we finally wanted to be done with this drama. told her three months before hand to get off the car insurance. and it wasn’t done. ended up causing a big thing.  She started saying that she’d leave the DND group to make things easier. because Thats what my partner would want. At this point i couldnt stand it any longer. Three months talking to everyone that physically knows her. and see’s what she’s becoming lead everyone to say the same thing about her She was turning into her mother.  No i know fuck all about that. i dont know her mother, i dont know anything about her. I know she’s on a shot that fucks with your brain and ends up messing with your body. I also was on the DEPO shot for three years of my life and its caused so many problems after i was off it.  and thats what i tried to impart to her my wisdom on.  therapy, and a depo shot.  now how we got there is really long winded, and highly dramatic.  id admitted to her our dnd group wanted to chat. she was pushy, respected no ones boundaries, and left our friends house a complete mess. just like she left ours... and god, she ended up pissing me off cause the girl left slippers caked in cat puke in my tub after staining my bathroom doing her hair dye. she disrespected my home, she disrespected out friends, and our friends home. and she was needlessly mean and cruel to everyone around her that didnt serve some purpose to her.  So yeah she had to go.  Here i am thinking that this is the end of it. but i get updates about how I’m apparently the worst abuser in the world just cause I told some spoiled brat of a woman to get off a shot that messes with the brain, and to seek therapy cause this girl needs help. Funny thing is im not the only one that said it. apprently just the loudest voice to have said it.  and this bitch still thinks i dont like her cause she’s not ‘ providing for us financially” We may not have a high roller life. but damn we’re doing just fucking fine. 

[thathumanwiththecatears]

its the night after my birthday rn as im starting to type this, and i have no idea if i will actually finish this tonight and post it or not so just for reference to see how long it takes me to talk about this its currently 1:43 am on 2/5/18 and everything id under the cut because its very long.

so, i want to talk about literally everything going on in my head about gender, and im not gonna leave anything out, not even the stuff that i would normally be really afraid to talk about on here cause i just need to put everything down in words. 

I currently identify as a genderfluid person who leans more on the masculine side. and just for clarification i will say i also call myself trans, trans masc, nonbinary, and genderqueer. I discovered that i was genderfluid in 2015 and i have been happy with that label ever since, of course with the normal self questioning every genderfluid person goes through. 

for kind of a while but mostly recently, i have started wondering if i am possibly also intersex. for anyone who doesnt know what that means: its when you are born with ambiguous sex traits, so that can mean a lot of things like different hormones and genitals and stuff. so apparently, most people who are born intersex dont actually know, and neither do their parents, because if there is anything physically “out of the ordinary” you could say, they will just do a surgery to fix it first. 

now one thing that made me think this was the fact that i have a hormone imbalance. and i havent actually looked into anything that much to even know if that is a sign of it, but what i do know is i was told to take birth control to fix it and i can not stand how it makes me feel. It feels wrong, sometimes it almost feels like my body fights with it too and like i have more testosterone because of it trying to counteract it. again none of this is scientific, i literally dont know how this shit works and feel free to tell me i am an idiot. There are also 2 other reasons i think this but im actually rethinking the posting literally everything cause im too uncomfortable posting about those two so im gonna not talk about them, but feel free to make up your own idea if you so choose, you will probably be wrong.

things that i had before starting birth control were: hair on legs and under arms growing really fast, i smelled worse, i will say i had a stronger libido, i had long dark hairs that would grow from under my chin and neck (not extremely noticeable but they were there), some hair on my tummy, and a few hairs occasionally grew in between my tiddies, and i had a VERY messed up menstrual cycle like i very rarely had periods. there are more things but at this time i cant think of anymore. these things have all like not stopped but chilled i guess, and i almost hate it?? which is one of the things that is making me more interested in trying to go on T. 

There are many things i want from T but also so many things i am afraid of. i will mention the stuff im afraid of first cause i honestly feel like that is an easier list for me to talk about. so big big one, is my hair, i am terrified to lose my hair. so much of my self confidence comes from my hair its not even funny. i rely so much on my hair. people always question if im drawing myself when i draw characters because all of them have hair extremely similar to my own, but i just love this hair, i always have, and the fact that i actually get to have this hair on my head makes me incredibly happy. 

another thing im less concerned about but a bit is my voice. i know that that is like one of the main things trans guys usually want to change but i like my voice. i like how it sounds, and i like to sing. im afraid of what my voice will sound like after, im afraid i will hate it, and the thing is, that isnt reversible, if i go on T and my voice changes and i dont like it, i cant just stop T and have it go back. that is a permanent change, same with the hair. the things im most afraid of are the permanent things so im very afraid of it.

face shape changing is one thing im on the fence about, on one hand i think it would be nice, but also, i like my face shape, or at least the face shape i pretend to have in selfies, but I also use makeup to make it more masculine and i love how that looks and wish it could really look like that. Because of the fact that im genderfluid not a trans man makes it so much harder. 

things i think would be fantastic though, a big one for me is getting rid of periods, and i know that can be done by other things but it is deff a huge plus to this too, you see I got really used to not having them like ever, and now i have them every month, and i cant stand it. this is also gonna be really gross but whatever, i dont even like, do anything sometimes. i will just free bleed, if im home, if im wearing one of the pairs of pajama pants that i know always wash out all the blood then i just dont bother with anything, i have a short and not too heavy period so i dont even ever bleed completely through the pants either, so it just kinda works. its just so annoying and i hate that i have to deal with it now. 

another thing is weird to some but body hair growth, some people hate it but i kinda like it sometimes, and if i decide i dont i can just shave it off and everything is great. also beards, i love beards, and judging by my family and the fact that my face tries to grow hairs without T tells me i can deff grow one. and again if i decide i dont want it i can just shave it off. 

body fat migration, to make me have a less feminine body, and muscle growth, are both things that on my fat ass body i dont think would make too much of a difference quite honestly, but would i be pumped to look less feminine and be able to get more muscle if i actually worked out? HELL YEAH. and im just gonna slip this lil thing in here i like the idea of the uh,,, growth, that happens else where but just my body changing like that makes me happy, i know for a fact that i want to get my chest removed because its extremely annoying and gives me dysphoria, and quite honestly my tits are fucking ugly, i dont care how body positive i want to be and how i support any other person with large breasts, mine are so fucking ugly i have hated them since they grew in.

there are a ton of tiny things too that change that i want and like also just the fact of having those hormones in my body would make me feel normal. estrogen doesnt make me feel right. it makes me feel like something is wrong with me, and like i have taken away a part of myself. i dont know how to describe it, but that “hormone imbalance” felt more “right” to me than this. i feel like im messed up now. 

im just conflicted. I want to be happy, I want to feel okay in my body, but right now i dont, and i also dont know if being on T would fix it, or give me irreversible side effects that i can never fix and leave me feeling the same way. I honestly just feel like i would be better with my “imbalance” cause that was the most normal i have felt. but apparently thats not “healthy” 

literally like the main thing here is im not a trans man, and im not a cis woman, and yeah i lean more on masculine, but will i regret doing things to my body that actually make me physically closer to being male. i dont know, and there is no way to find out without really regretting it. but im just not happy how i currently am either, so it just makes it so hard. there is like no way for me to be happy like this, i just dont even want to have a human body, i would rather exist as just a formless entity that has no male or female traits. 

this post didnt even help me figure stuff out. im still just as confused. I just want to be able to live as a man but keep my voice and hair, if i could do that i think i would be 100% ready to go on T. and these are such petty things and i feel so bad about being caught up on them cause trans men talk about how they are afraid to lose their hair but say how its worth it to them. and i feel so bad that i dont know if it is worth it for me. like i dont deserve to transition if i dont think its worth it.

it has been an hour now. and i think im done now. but i might post about this again.

[magical-agatha]

vent, probably pretty like, mature in nature, be warned

idk how to do a read more on mobile so whatever

apparently if i type like [[MO RE]] without the spaces that will become a read more thing after i post this? idk.

edit: it didnt work which is fine i guess. if u know how to add a read more on mobile dm me..

[[MORE]]

anyway so!!!!!! i just got followed by some stranger on twitter. a nsfw blog. basically a couple of gay girls posting clips and photos of themselves fucking. it was cute. but one of the girls looked a lot like my gf. and the other girl kind of looked like me. except she had a pussy. and like. a nice butt. and her boobs were like. a normal shape. and honestly it made me really want to kill myself right then and there.

id been talking with my gf a lot tonight about how like. ive known i was a girl since i was 16. suspected it for years before that. and i desperately wanted to transition when i was 16. i knew who i was. and i was right. but my psych was transphobic. and my mother was too. my psych had me get a blood test that was supposed to determine somehow if i was trans?? and like. she was an actual doctor so idk what the fuck that blood test was. and she said i was too young to know i was trans. made me wait til i was 18. and when i was 18 i was made to wait til i was 21. my mom took this all as evidence that she was correct in her transphobia and deciding i had to be a man. and over the 5 years from being 16 to 21 she convinced me for a while that i was a m*n. she fucking brainwashed me. and at 21 i got a prescription for estradiol. but my mum had fucked me up and made me so unsure that i waited another year before starting hrt. bc i was scared it was a phase. scared id regret it. and i didnt regret anything except being forced and manipulated into waiting.

and when i think about the past i try hard not to regret anything. but i cant help but think about how much happier i might be if id started hrt when i was 16 like i wanted to. and i think about my body. my hips have fused. if id started earlier they would have been able to change shape. i wouldnt be dysphoric about my hips and butt. maybe even my voice would be different. and i wouldnt have as much facial hair. it really fucking hurts to think about bc theres nothing i can do. it makes me want to maim myself and scream blood at my mother. bc she broke me. she broke me over and over again and she did so many things that made my life so much harder. permanent things i have to live with and suffer for the rest of my life.

and seeing those two girls on twitter. reminded me that on top of everything, adding insult to injury, i have to pay for hormones for the rest of my life. its makes me feel like giving up.

i have to fight for the rest of my life to be happy.

i wish i had ovaries and a vagina. i like my dick and my balls. but if i could trade them for a completely functional pussy i honestly might. i mean ideally id want both sets. all the genitalia. pussy, dick, balls, ovaries. all of it. womb maybe too i guess. idk.

and i want hips that are wider. like they would be if id been on E my whole life.

i want to love my body but its hard. it hurts when i see my hips in the mirror. and i want a pussy. why does it have to hurt so much. where the fuck is a cyberpunk bodymod shop that can grow me a pussy and replace my hips. we're living in a dystopia can i please at least get some body shops. is that too much to ask. please..

dont fucking reblog this. ppl keep reblogging my vent posts and it rly sucks so just. if ur gonna interact either like or reply. dont reblog please.

[thatsjustgraceblr-blog]

Valentine’s Day ‘19

Real talk: Derek is the most incredible human being — he’s sweet, he’s funny, he’s kind... But I didn’t always feel that way. For those of you who don’t know, Derek and I have known each other since elementary school, but we didn’t officially meet until high school... I say this a lot and I’ll still freely admit it: if you told me 10 years ago that I’d be dating Derek Manansala, I would’ve laughed in your face. 

He was 14 and childish as hell, and I was 15 and above it all. I thought he was infuriatingly immature and he thought I was an unapproachable snob (though we admitted these things much later). At one point, there must’ve been at LEAST three girls who were crushing hard on him, but whatever they saw, I completely missed (don’t @ me, Shani. I didn’t like him). Even still, he was a part of our friend group and we were cordial. Out of everyone, we were the least close and we both liked it that way. 

Our story is weird, almost farcical. I’ll give you an example: since Derek was a part of my friend group, he has met every single one of my exes. Every. Single. One. I’m not too proud of that, but I also find it hilarious. I hope he does too. In college, we still weren’t friends, but we tolerated each other a lot more. We went to school in different states, but we vowed we’d try to get to know each better and be friends, should we both rise to the occasion (we never did). 

So how did we start dating? A part of me is still unsure. All I know is that in 2016/2017 I was going through a huge transition. I ended a major relationship, was living between San Jose and LA and traveling way more than I should’ve. If I’m being honest, which I have no trouble with apparently, I had no idea what the hell I was doing. At one point, I called every single one of my friends and no one picked up the phone. Finally, I called Derek. I still have no idea why, but he answered. And thus, our friendship began. 

For those of you thinking it was love at first phone call — NAH. Don’t get me wrong, he was a lot more mature than I remembered, but he was DEREK. The Derek I knew since I was 15. A decade later, I still didn’t entertain the idea of dating him. But I did want to get to know him more. Now he was into improv and writing (we bonded over the latter). We bonded over a lot actually: movies, writing, solo travel... But the thing that really bonded us: we both were absolutely jaded when it came to love. So if you’re still reading, hang on just a little while longer. 

If you thought it was weird before, shit gets even weirder. Derek and I became... friends. Like, best friends. We vented to each other about work, lamented about writing, and of course we talked about dating. So much dating. We’d literally talk to each other about our tinder escapades. Like, “Oh, how’s that Berkeley guy?” And “So, did you friend that ballet dancer?” Don’t get me wrong, we were still swearing off love, but we took pride in the fact that we were BOTH above it. We didn’t want to find the love of our lives right now (ew, gross). We just wanted to live our lives without answering to anyone, and yet we did answer — every single text message we sent, every single phone call we made — before we even knew we were answering. 

There are a few noteworthy things I want to include that speak to Derek’s character: like the first time he called me to vent about an improv class he was taking. Whenever Derek called before, he’d normally be drunk trying to get on the L train. Or the bus that was running instead of the L train. I’m really making him sound great, huh? But when he called and told me about his class, I could hear how genuinely upset he was. He was actually being vulnerable. And I let go of whatever misconceptions I was still holding onto about him. This was my person (my friend-person) and I cherished him. 

Okay, one more anecdote that shows what a stand up guy he is. Derek was out with a bunch of our old friends after his improv show in NY (I was in California, far, far away). I won’t go into detail, but one of our old friends said/did something hurtful towards me, and Derek stuck the fuck up for me. If you know me, I grew up in New Jersey. Which means you kinda develop a thick skin about everything. Your friends elbow you in the ribs when you’re down before offering to help you up. It’s just a thing. And yet here was the person I thought the least of growing up fighting FOR ME. I knew at that moment I wanted Derek in my life for a long time. BUT I STILL DIDN’T WANNA DATE HIM THOUGH (but maybe, somewhere deep down, I did). 

This post is getting far too long, so I’ll wrap it up. A few months after that fateful night, I visited NY for the first time in 2 years. When we saw each other again, it would suffice to say, the rest is history. I love you, Derek, Happy Valentine’s Day! Thank you for being my forever-person. And sorry you have to put up with these ridiculously long posts. Though I think, deep down, you might like them too. 

tl;dr love is real and you find it in the most unexpected places (and people)

[shattered-catalyst]

Worst fears: Drabble: rock dad

Shit so I had a dream nightmare and had to do a feeling induced Drabble. because ow my heart.  Cats worst fears come true and holy shit. Shitty writing as usual but I’m tired and writing this emotionally wore me out. I added a happy ending at the end for therapeutic reasons.

Warnings: tagging this triggering for numerous things, no one normally reads these so uhh pm if you need specifics?? Id say heavy despair. 

 Rock dad AU.

Per usual Cadre is indicated by < and > respectively.

Summary: They came to take back Isaslan 3 and got  a lot more out of him then they bargained for. And its all Julio Esteban fucking Richter’s fault. Fuck that guy.

Rictor’s voice was groggy, logical considering it was 3:45 in the morning. In fact Catalyst couldn’t even make out what his ‘father’ figure had said, it was just word grunts in three different languages. Of which he knew two. Glancing up from the phone he checked to make sure he had time to rouse Rictor’s brain. The splintered store front window was setting off the alarm. He had only a few seconds to issue his warning.

<Rictor. You must get Shatterstar and Julian to safety. Lord Mojo has tracked me down. They have come. You must stay awaa-> Shit!! He ducked as a well aimed shot ripped the phone and its receiver from the counter.

Thats not what made him swear under his breath. It was Scattershot stepping through the broken shop window that got his blood boiling. Oh shit. <Whats wrong? Don’t tell me you’re running?>

Oh that got the blood boiling, he unsheathed another pair of knives. < A true warrior never runs, you know this!>

He fucking should have run. In retrospect he should have high tailed it to Rictors apartment. Gotten help. Not acted like he would in the arena. He wasn’t alone anymore, but here he was fighting alone.

Sinkholes everywhere, shaken buildings, car alarms,  and downed power lines littered the south  side of mutant town. Looked like an earthquake had hit. It hadn’t, had just been him. Trying his damndest. But Scattershot had more experience and no amount of shaking the ground and wits was going to help him once Scattershot’s extensive back up arrived.

Damn he must’ve pissed someone off. Mojo,  Scattershot? Fekt pick one he’d done a lot. A lot they considered wrong. What he now knew for a fact was that he had done the right thing. He wasn’t backing down from that. Catalyst’s eyes remained on the ground, half whispering for her to answer him. He could figure out a way out of this; he knew it. He was smart enough, but could he pull it off without the use of his lower body? Maybe if his shoulder wasn’t splintered in several places he could use just his arms. But no. Thanks. Scattershot. Bitch.  

Two broken legs, a power dampener, and a hell of a lot of guards. Pretty sure his pelvis was down for the count. Lovely.  Fingers digging deep into the earth, leaving deep gouges. Feeling the grains digging into his finger nails. Desperately pleading with the ground to open and just swallow them. Aching for the ability to move it again. 

Wind picks up, portal opening, oh fekt no. His pleadings deepened in his uemeur; screaming for the earth to answer once more. It was silent, so very silent. His heart had never beaten this fast, he could feel the blood coursing through his head. The world sharpening to his senses as they fought to survive this. No he wasn’t going back. Not after all he had fought for. After all he’d fought to become. He wasn’t going back.

Now he’d tasted freedom-emotions. He will never be able to live without them, and he didnt know if he actually wanted to. Didn’t know if he wanted to live without Rictor in his life. That damn bastard ruined everything. Had Julio Esteban Richter not sidled into his life maybe he wouldn’t have fought so hard. But that asshole had to make things complicated and messy. Fuck him.

Thats when he heard the word ‘re-assimilate’. Oh. Fuck. No. No no no.

Now he felt it:Fear. Its claws ripping into his soul. It will be worse than the arena. It will be the arena AND worse. A motion picture show of horror began cycling through his mind, the torture awaiting him. They’d probably keep his power contained via technology the whole time. Possibly even a mind wipe. He didn’t want to forget. 

He had no idea what missing something felt like until that threat presented itself. Losing the memory of that stupid face. The way he almost punched Catalyst when they first met. Buckets of frogs and dirty hands. He refused to forget him. The first person to support him so fully; maybe to love him? How could he. How that stupid stupid smile started with a gleam in his brown eyes and spread to his mouth. Or the way he would explode with emotion about things. Fuck he’d even miss the tequila.

Tears were stinging his face. Oh god. The thought of losing even the memory of the first important person in his life was earth-shattering. A heavy sob ripped through his chest, he couldnt stop it. Not like he used to, stuff it down, and hide it from himself. He’d die before he went back. He’d die before he forgot him. 

“RICTOR!!” One sobbing scream echoed from his uemeur a crossed the empty lot. Bouncing helplessly off the buildings. He knew it would go unanswered. His uemeur splintered then and there.Ground heaving beneath mirroring his chest. Iridescent green flooding from his fingers. Fear. His powers activated on Fear. Pressure building, a loud snap resonated as the collar splintered.

Fissure ripping open the earth beneath their feet. Everything went black. He’d done it.

commercial break from bad writing: I had to give it a happy end my dream stopped there basically and transitions to rubber ducks so..Have a happy ending??

Light poured in. Eyes opening slowly, body tensing. He wasn’t on anything-someone was holding him close. His head against their neck as they walked, cradling him. Orange hair brushing against Cats face as he tried to move. He could feel the familiar heaviness of Rictor’s jacket around his own limbs, smelled the earth and leather. Trying to lift his head he stopped feeling a fissure of pain rip through him.  A hum vibrating through the mans throat, head moving.

“Julio.” Voice deep and strong. A faint Cadre accent, barely discernible. But that wasn’t what awoke him.

“He awake?”

The voice sent his mind racing. Earth, wet ground fertile and beautiful. Stable. Warm. Home. “R-rictor?” Gods his own voice sounded like shit compared to Rictor’s. The man was there, beside him burying a hand in his hair to ruffle it. Small smile gracing his features.

“Dumbass.”

Shoving off the red head he tackled Rictor. Worth the pain, so worth the pain.  Working arm latching tightly around his neck to grab his shirt. Hugging tightly. Burying his head against him trying to stop his chest from heaving. “They wanted me to forget you, papa.”

Comforting hands hoisted him up to hold his weight, however light it was. Supporting him. Caring for him. “Yeah well fuck those bastards.” Hand stroking his hair soothingly. “ We’re going home.”

“I’m already home.”

@shakeitrictor  : I put a mention of Julian in here but I didn’t want to add him in the last part without your permission. I can always edit and add your cute little baby later. Or remove him completely. In the dream Cat was worried about him getting caught up in this and I’m sure he’d come help bail out his baby brother.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙||HOPE #4; ||You Know My Name, Not My Story||🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙

🌙🌙🔥🔥facebook, this is part of my life story, this is in the past. Im in no way a harm to myself and others. Thank u. PART FOUR!!!🌟🌟🥀🥀 *SatanslashGod; im gonna pray, i think God is calling me to fufill His duties. I was homeless for the 13th time. I walked the streets for days. I got possessed by God. And i acted out bizarrely insanely dangerously, abnormally, like an animal. I stayed up for 3 days straight. And taking extra of my medication. I had a full blown physcotic break. I didnt kniw my name. I was talking like a baby, waving my arms in the air. I lost all my senses. I forgot how to function. I got admitted to Loma Linda ER, and they took me in right away. I was like nonresponsive. I was an animal, a vegetable. I was dysfunctional. And then they transferred me to Loma Linda BMC. Mental hospital. While i was there i acted out. They put me on concervertaship, i had a hearing, and i saw the judge. It was my over 200th mental hospital. And the judge almost sent me to an institution but i lied, and i got off. Ive been concervered over 5 times. I gor diagnosed with ovee 10+ mental illnesses. Critically/Clinically Insane && The Most High Maitnence Case In The System. When i was 12 i sold my soul to the devil. And i became a bully. And multiple places and people told me that i had a serial killers personality, that she looked into my eyes and said "theres nothing in there" "your untreatable" "your too high maintenance for us to treat" my therapist Thea said ahe waz one step away from conserving me and taken to a state institution. And she said they probably couldn't treat me. Ive been to 215 mental hospitals. And ive been thru it all. I cant tell the difference between God and satan, when i get commands i cant tell the difference. *Richard Enxxellia/Puppoi/Three 7s/SeventyThree6's/UglyBitterSky; Richard gives me paranormal activities. Qualities, which he possesses me to act out dangerously. One example is when i get homoscidal. He decodes the devil into me. He moves certain objects and living things to make me use my 10 senses. As i dissociate to many alternate universes. The darkness takes over me. He decodes demons into me. Decoding me, i have codes, we all do. In NXSP. Rascal/Raskal is my therapy dog. Whos dying of cancer. I hallucinate him everywhere. But i see him as if he was real. And people tell me itz all in my head. Like i have a full blown convo or im playing with him. But my mom and bro tells me hes not in here. Three 7s is where my mania gets out of control. Like i feel like im famous, for the right or wrong reasons. Its all a delusional world. I go out of reality now 100% of the day. And thats not normal. *Bad Mommy-Good Mommy/Duplicates Of People/TwentyStepsForward; __::::TSF was a demon that Johnny hated, but somehow was connected too. So after Me/I, Izzy "Ace 8/Spizey/MsSweetInsanityyx" (Me/I/M3/iii) killed him. The reason why Lily "Dancing Fire" was so mad at Izzy was because TSF turned to ashes after Johnny died, (was killed by Izzy) and that made Lily wanna send Izzy to The Ends more, as she tried to follow thru with that plan, but failed. Ever since i killed Johnny, Dancing Fire has become a bigger and more dangerous demon in my head, becoming worse and telling Alvaro to possess me more. So Alvaro && Dancing Fire have gotten worse. After i killed Johnny. __::::Bad Mommy/Good Mommy take toll of my mind. When i was in my drug and alcohol addiction, Bad Mommy got worse, she wears a scar on her face. She abuses me, (in real life she did abuse me mentally and very rarely physically, but this was before i got back into my addiction) after i tried to come home after she kicked me out *again* (while i was homeless for the 13th time) i was on cocaine, meth. Acid, pills, heroin etc etc. I came home and she slammed me against a wall, and called me a whore. Then she "switched" and forgot about it later, it scared me, and she won my trust and forgiveness back by giving me brownies. This went on for awhile. In reality tho. She did call me really offensive names. But she didn't slam me against the wall. I was scared of her and on multiple occasions didn't wanna come home from school. Anyways i dont wanna elaborate on that. __::::Duplicates of people really fucked me up. This waz after me coming home in 2018. I saw duplicates of people i do and don't know. And it scares me. Now it only happens with my therapy dog, Rascal *Cones/Wesley "Presley" Garcia/Mr.OutOfDate; |__::::????::::__| XX_XX __::::????::::__ | | Cones;____Guide me in the right direction. Master Cone. Controlling your slaves and servants. Your fucking with my head, your make me follow your path, as u soar strangely thru the air. Trying to show me a new reality, the Cones are ahead of the other flying objects. Its like your all dancing around me and my reality of a dreamland, a dreamland like reality. You opened my eyes, but also made me more insane. Therez all sorts of shapes, dancing strangly. You made me dissociate more than usual. As i traveled all the universes and galaxies. You did both harm and good for me. Thank u, for opening up my eyes, as im developing my 11th sense, i already have 10 senses. You traumatized me and u saved me. Thank u. Cones and Objects. For becoming a part of me. Cones are non living transitioning to living. But only i can see them. I appreciate you all. All the different breeds and kinds of objects. Theres millions of them. And im glad we crossed paths. I love u my Cone Family🖤🥀🌙🔥 Wesley "Presley" Garcia;____ Dear, Wesley/Presley, Did u Wanna get away, why did u make Johnny so bad, i know u were his master. And i know after u died, Johnny took your place, but i had to kill him, he tortured me and all of NXSP, i just wanna ask, why are u so fucked up? We did nothing to deserve this torture. Thank u for trying ur best with Johnny, but i just wanna let u know, even if u tortured us (made Johnny do it) im still here for u, cus i jyst found out that you didn't torture Johnny. Lily lied. And i should have known. Johnny tortured u, and no one knew, so i apologize for blaming u. Johnny also made up stories about you, that u tortured him. And i just put the pieces together and i realized Johnny started all this. NOT ERIN! Lily is just as bad as Johnny and Alvaro. All 3 of them fucked and traumatized all of us. If there is anything i can do to help. Plz let me know. I wanna save NXSP. Not destroy it. I know ur dead, but i miss u. And i realized you tried to pull/put NXSP back together, now its just pure darkness. Do u mind (&& u dont have to if ur not comfortable with it) send us angels to protect us from harm. Like what Constance used to do. I love u hun, keep fighting, soldier, Sincerely, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez/Ace 8/Spizey/Ms_SweetInsanityyx && im also speaking for my family at NXSP. I love u. Hope u get this message.🖤🥀🌙🔥 Mr.OutOfDate;____ You give me reoccurring dreams and visions of my mom dying. && u made me live thru hell itself. Literally, and u bring me closer and more content with death. I feel like im dying everyday, like literally. I feel my body being tortured by my demons and Satan. Who ive met thru traveling the galaxies and universes. Why? I wanna live, not die. Heres a lil thing i wrote about this. "I wanna become content with living But i feel closer that death My mom is the only thing i have Without her i would already be dead I check her breathing while shes asleep on her bed I just wanna be dead No words left unsaid I feel closer to death everyday And i feel myself fading away Still happens to this day Losing levels of sanity more each day Losing my mind and i cant stay awake Ive been thru hell and torture Trauma, pain and darkness Do we know all the answers? Do we all get possessed by the devil Do we all lose control by the hour Dont die Mom Plz dont go Your my sun Plz dont go Your my reason I sold my soul to the darkness But i cant let my mom go Its hard to explain the love i have for her Its easy to explain why i love her Im becoming closer to death Got this fire in my heart Got this fire in my soul Im not whole, im not ok Maybe ill be ok one day I love u mom, Mr.OutOfDate, Youve come way to date You brought me and made me live thru hell Ive lived thru hell itself. Goodnight my beautiful sunshine Aint nobody dying tonight."-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Were all strangers to ourselves. Its hard to say i love myself, cuz im broken and damaged. I love u mom, ur my everything. Your my sunshine my sunrise and my nighttime. If u die i die. Goodnight. 🖤🥀🌙🔥 *Visions&Hallucinations of Past&Future/ObjectsHavingAForceOnMe; Dancing Fire cordinates it. All 100% of my past flashes in my head at random times. And i cant control it. Id be in a completely different reality. And i use all my 10 intensitied senses for every part of my past. Like i was there again. CODE 203 J REPEAT CODE 203 THIS IS SYSTEM SHUTDOWN X FOLLOW ALL GIVEN PROCATIONS. Lily you need to get the fuck outta here with that shit. SHUT UP CHARLOTTE! Homie, you better back up. Im talking to u, Lily. Well Charlotte imma show Izzy her past right now. OHHHH IS THAT IT LILY THATS WHY UR SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN! I miss u Lily, the old u.. Im not feeling to good Lily. Im sorry Lily. IM DONE! When objects look at me, its like im looking in a mirror, and there using codes to take over me && they scare me, for example i can look at a door knob, a window. A sky, a cieling, and i feel like it has a force on me. Like there trying to get inside me. Like i see a chair and i scream cuz its looking right thru me. Heres a lil poem i wrote: "Dont talk to the ceiling It might talk back Taking over me Can u see me Can u hear me Do u get that peculiar feeling Of all the hell im dealing Leave me alone I dont have a stable home I look into ur eyes The pretty silver sky Its looking right thru me Its posessing oh its controlling me Got that strange feeling Are these the Aces that im dealing Your looking right thru me Dont listen to the walls They dont think when they talk Dont run away from fear Dont draw the devil nearer There decoding you my darling There breathing how non living objects should Cuz non living things are just as important As living things, your being cornered Breathe my friend In and out Breathe and shout Theres no way out There surrounding me Im inside my TV This is all a game And i declare you insane Smiles on everybody Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors Smiles on my little baby Nobody needs to ser what goes on behind closed doors. Take control dont let it control you Why are u so blue? Are u in the flumes Ace 8 Break It Down Theres No Way Out Im In The Dark Now Im Just Hellbound The more u try to fight it The stronger it gets I would take my life to save yours Trauma occurring 24/7 From 2001-2018 Over 10+ mental illnesses They say your insane Well they did diagnose me critically/clinically insane So play your game, Satan Torture me, im waiting So play your Ace, Aint nobody dying tonight Not in this place Your known as the girl with no face Your pointing me towards my dog days Who am i, good question Fuck me torture me, my new obsession Im used to hell and trauma I know rock bottom Im used to pain and darkness Were all in it for the torture There controlling me There possessing me They arnt living Sonetimes non living things Are more alive than the living Smiles on, everybody Shut them system down Smiles on, everyone Were not going down without a fight."-written by me. Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Sometimes non living are more living than the living. I deal with this everyday. Stay strong yo. *Flying Objects/DemonsPosssesingMe; **||||** Flying Objects: objects that are non living but act like there living. All non living objects float around and talk and act like the living. Like the taxis, or the furniture or anything thats an object. Starts using there senses, they have more senses than us. Heres a lil thing i wrote about that.;;;; "You take control Sweet little ceiling A dangerous feeling Are we really dreaming Your magic head got me screaming You are demons inside of objects As the tables fly As the staircase sighs Its like a labrynth Were all sentenced Were in a fantasy This isnt reality Wake up. Wake up Torture me plz dont stop Wake up wake up All non living things are living All non living things are living Dont be drifting Dont be living Cuz ur not living No not at all They all have faces They all have bodies They all have senses Dont be scared my love Dont runaway my love Im an animal in a cage I got blinding rage I got bad and good days The chairs are all wrong Smiley is coming back Am i wrong? Am i right? Police on the search for me There not gonna catch me These flying objects are very living They will protect me They will seduce me. Flying objects flying round They dont make a single sound Take me far away"-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez **||||** Demons Possessing Me; ??????Different Species if demons come and literallt possess me. I start raising hell ans becoming the demon thats controlling my body. I literally "snap into DeZanity" which is 100% worse than Insanity. I become dangerous, act out strangely unsafely dangerously etc etc. I become worse than satan himself. I walk thru and live thru hell itself. Ive seen hell. Ive literally lived in hell. I become darkness itself. Heres a lil thing i wrote about this; "Falling down to rock bottom Lived inside hell, oh pardon? Did u possess me last night the devil fucked me in the dark light I dont kno what to do Why u feelin blue, My darling my darling They say im acting strange Out of character as u say They say i went completely insane Out of character as they say The darkness controlling me Demons possessing me Im dangerous, im dangerous This aint fun Im always on the run I snapped into DeZanity I lost all my senses Ive died many times Im just fucking senseless As all the species of demons Come inside of me Im a dysfunctional animal Im a dysfunctional animal Who am i, my mind is worse than hell itself The devil puts himself up on the shelf Hes not powerful enough to enter Tryna make these dreams centered Tryna make reality my bitch Dont try. Do, win lose Dont do. Try, lose win Either way. There out to get me Lets change the codes Weve already killed ourselves. So far away from home Im feeling so alone. Im feeling cold Flying around the universes There aint no reverses Imma tell u a secret I am more powerful than the devil Are u gonna run and hide Were committing suicide My name is Izzy, Ace 8 My name is Tyler, Ms_SweetInsanityyx Lets fuck this place up Im here to save and help all non living And living things, im here to save the world I help, care. Love support be there Im by there side no matter what When u fall ill lift u up I help everyone and everything obsessivly Im on the battlefield fighting by yo side Im not in the sidelines Lets get ready to snap back Izzys out for the attack. Goodnight, Drearyyx"-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez _____________||||____________ *Dancing Rooms/Past In Vivid Movie-LikeForm; ||||_||||Dancing Rooms; dont talk to the ceiling it might talk back. Im in a dreamscape, traveling thru the galaxies, doors all over the walls, all the stair cases are going in many directions, they keep moving. They dont stop. Each room is something new. Im walking over the stars 🌟 , i see all of these different galaxies. Were midnight racing. Its like im in a Lo-Fi setting. All my dreams turned reality. Im in a wild place. Im soaring thru space. U ever seen the movie Labrynth with David Bowie its like that. I feel so free, racing cars over the stars. Im not in reality. Im escaping. Its like im flying, always flying. Im traveling everywhere. You saved me. Dancing Room. Its like a good trip. Like were in a movie, many kinds of movies. Its a new reality. Im escaping earth. So many colors. So much to see. Im sitting on the sunrise. I turn on Lo-Fi radio (the app is purple) and i do meditation to it. I go to extraordinary places. Thank u Dancing Rooms. ||||_|||| Past In Vivid Like Movie Form; so u kno ive had brutal trauma. Hell, pain, torture, bad experiences occurring 24/7 since 2001-2018, and u read part of my life story. Well theres sone parts u dont kknow, Dancing Fire flashes my past in more than just flashbacksx its in vivid movie form frok beginning to end. But its everyday. And even when im happy i get reminded that it constantly, Dancing Fire aka Lileth "Lily" Ramos-Garcia. Tortures me with it. The more i try to escape it or "put my past in the past" i get reminded of it everyday, from beginning to end. Its not ok. And i also get nightmares everynight that makes me not wanna sleep. Like i could be doing my thing, and out of fucking nowhere here comes the show (vivid movie like form of my past from beginning to end) and i cant escape. People say "leave ur past in the past" uh how am i supposed to do that if i get constantly reminded of it every day. ?? But yet i help care love support fix save be there for everyone and everything obsessivly. And i dont stop. I love helping others, i wanna save and fix all non living and living things. That's what keeps me alive. Someone asks me "what's wrong Izzy. U havent been yourself lately?" i tell them an excuse like "im fine" so imagine this: _Having over 10+ Mental illnesses _Having trauma occurred 24/7 from 2001-2018 _being constantly reminded of ur past daily _having 22+ mental breakdowns a day, every day _trying to remain sane _dealing with the present. _never escaping the past _everything combined together times 10+ working all at once _and trying to describe what ur feeling/whats going on/what's wrong, cus u don't know how to explain it _Constantly having demons fuck with ur head _hating myself _having an eating disorder/autism _not kniwing what ur feeling _feeling unwanted and unloved _being tortured, abused, raped most of ur life _not knowing who u are _having no home from 2011-2018 _having no hope _having severe brain damage _being critically/clinically insane _Been thru/experienced mostly every traumatic thing _not wanting pity sympathy or attention _after 2018, the hell never ending, getting worse mentally physically and emotionally _being insecure _dealing and drug addiction/alcoholism (im over 1 year sober _being the blacksheep _being LBGTQ _not wanting to date ever again/hating sex _cant go in public without breaking down _dissociating 99% of the day _explaining yourself to people _my mom being sick. My dogs having cancer _my mom and bro not wanting me home _thinking ur worth nothing _being a prisoner to ur mind _not knowing who u are _Alvaro possessing me _not feeling like ur in ur body/being possessed _paranioa/objects having a force on u _being confused/delusional _everything youve read/heard in all of this story applied to u everyday _acting like ur okay _trying to save. Fix. Love. Care, support, help, be there for everyone and everything obsessivly but not feeling like its good enough _missing my unbio son, Anthony everyday. _not wanting to cry or show emotions _avoiding feeling feelings/being so used to the bad that u cant process the good _not processing things _wanting to end ur life on a daily basis _wanting to self harm/act out on a daily basis _just hating yourself/having trust and anger issues _the rest i cant explain 🌟🔥🌙Hey this is Izzy here, thank u for breathing, for being alive. Im proud of u. Thank u for coming to my TED TALK.🌙🔥 **Another One Of My Suicide Attempts (i was on the online news); My brother and i got into a huge fight. Cuz we were playing pranks on eachother, but around that time i got raped *again* my mom still isnt aware that it. My whole past flashed by in my head vividly. My mom and brother told me they didnt want me home. And i felt like a failure. I was walking on the side of the street and the highway. I self harmed really bad. But i got home and everything else was a blackout. I had 33 breakdowns that day. We were at Farmer Boys. And my mom kept asking if i was "okay" i told her "yes" but i was lying. I had dreams of my granpa dying (hes deceas3d now) and my monmm dying. My mental health got 10 times worse. Leading up to my attempt i got raped again* by 10 people one by one torture, abusing and raping me for about 2 hours. I still havnt told my mom. I came home and i tried to have a "silent suicide attempt" i took 2 bottles of Gabapentin (one of my medications, this ones for anxiety) and they were big bottles, and i took every pill in there. I started fading out and u heard a voice in my head, trying to stop me from dying. I called 911 and told them that i overdosed, they got all my info and told me to stay where i was. There were fire trucks. Ambulances, police cars. They made me drink Charcoal, instead of pumping my stomach. My mom came out && was talking to the officers/AMRs etc. They did there normal procedures and transported me to Corona Regional Medical Center (aka CRC). I had a sitter, or a 1:1, they did their hospital procedures and i got transferred to "The Willows Mental Hospital" (Still CRC but not emergency, just psychiatric) my brother told me i was on the Corona Newspage, descibing my attempt. But not using any names of people. But it showed my house. I stayed on a 52/50 hold. I cant remember clearly exactly how the whole thing happened but im doing the best i can. ________________________________________ 🌙🔥🌟🥀hey its izzy, if anyone needs a prayer lemme know ok. This is something i just wrote, its from my heart. Stay True!!! Keep sharing your story, cuz it matters you matter your life matters YOU MATTER. , thank u for breathing, for continuing and being alive. Ur all Angels, you are a work of art, you just gotta put the peices together. U gotta creaate your art, your story. It doesnt end here tho. Id give my life if it meant all of u become painless, im not a saint. I just wanna be the person to save care love be there for living and non living things. Yea ive had trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018, but its 2020 in a month. All i want for Christmas is for all yall to be safe and happy. If any of yall need anything, ill be here. Ill be fighting by ur side on the battlegrounds. Im sitting here crying cuz idk how to fix this world. Im proud of u. Even if u didnt wanna be alive today, youve made it another day and youve made it this far. Your doing the best u can. You all make me wanna cry cuz of how amazing u are and how beautiful ur soul is. If ur thinking about taking ur life tonight trust me ive been there. Put ur hand on ur heart, feel that? That's purpose. Your life is a mess right now. Keep looking up. Your someones reason. I wanna save ur life tonight/today. Thank u for ecsisting. I know its dark out, you grow stronger every second. Take ur time. Slow down, take a moment or a few moments. Relax ur whole body, ur gonna be ok. Ur gonna keep fighting. For everyone but mainly for yourself. Im proud of u. Trust me im far from ok. But id do anything if it means everyone else can ok. U are a broken soul. But we will fight, we will win. We will stick together x im here for all yall. Dont go. Its not ur time. I kno it may seem cliche. Bit ur voice matters ur story matters your message matters. YOU MATTER YOUR IMPORTANT YOU HAVE A PURPOSE YOUR ENOUGH YOUR WORTH IT. ! Thank u for being u. This is Izzy here. Keep fighting, soldier. Keep going. Your destiny is inside of u. I love u all. Message me if anything. Stay true stay u. Live u my warriors my angels xx----Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez (me)🖤🥀🖤🥀

[ansu-gurleht]

ugh. had a weird nightmare that finally got me to get up. (had other unpleasant dreams that tempted me, but this was what got me to go “nope im getting up now.”)

it was like....some weird sotc botw mashup game? like mostly sotc but there were actually people in the world. anyways we got to uh, what would’ve been the big long underwater colossus or w/e, but when you get to the arena it’s not there? instead it’s like, a big sandy arena, and there’s a different colossus. it’s this like, big beetle thing that can split into two beatle things.

i didnt ever actually go down there to see what happens if you just jump into that arena (which i suspect was the sorta expected reaction by the developers, esp on a first playthru). b/c to the left on the platform b4 jumping in, there was like, a way to start climbing and initiate a cool little platforming section swinging from vines and climbing shit. anyways you get to a certain point and you’re basically right above this kinda weird pipe lookin thing that you could see in the arena, but that was shut off. 

once you get there, you see this guy in a little room carved into the rock wall enclosing the arena, and its impossible to reach him before he pulls a lever and opens up that pipe. then this huge ass snake like demon fuckin thing pokes its head out and looks around. i was like fuckin paralyzed hopin it didnt see me, but eventually it did and im like “fuck” and start BOLTIN thru the platformin shit backwards, except a lot of parts of it was collapsin and shit to make it harder, which i think was lever-guy’s doing. 

so i somehow make it back to the entrance of the arena and make it out (i think the snake thing was kinda distracted by eating the beetle things and maybe lever guy - it was apparently RAVENOUS after being imprisoned for like thousands of years). so i absolutely fuckin leg it towards a town that’s pretty close to the arena, hoping if i get there fast enough, the dev’s wont have expected you to have been able to, and it might get me out of the encounter. the whole time i absolutely KNOW this guy’s on my fuckin heels but he’s just out of my 3rd person pov. 

i manage to make it inside like, an inn or something? but immediately i realize i fucked up. b/c all the npcs KNEW what was going on. they knew the legends or whatever and realized id released this thing and led it to them. it was like oozing thru the doors (which were like, stone circles that closed shut in the middle). i realized i had to go and fight it anyway, so i went back out. also apparently einhar from path of exile was there, sayin he’d help me fight it? i think he got eaten like immediately though.

that was when i decided to wake up bc the whole chase was fuckin terrifying. but earlier in my like, dream sequence chronology, id actually seen part of the actual fight with the thing, which takes place with you trying to hold on to it as it swims down this river. at some point i guess that initial encounter transitions into this? there was a hole in the wall of the sand arena (opposite the snake pipe) that led to water, which i suspect wouldve been how the fight proper starts if you like, didnt run away. the fight itself was way less intimidating (and actually really fun) than the (optional?) chase sequence. i guess my inquisitive nature made what was sort of a normal fight terrifying.

[420710ge-blog]

my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition  or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender. 

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.” 

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself. 

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE