#fuck shaving all my homies hate shaving.

[gemsofthegalaxy]

*~including trans girls~*

[wishing4nuclearwinter]

I'm a big fan of the fact that 9 out of 10 new vegas speedruns begin by blowing up Chet with a grenade launcher the second you finish the intro

[sapphire-weapon]

Sorry to bring more discourse to your blog, but it's about the whole "problematic" shipling thing, because it's a part of older RE plot, that absolutely does my head in. It doesn't fucking make sense. We can talk ALL day about how Leon is canonically responsible for genocides. It's canon that these things have happened because he never has the backbone to finish the job or manage his feelings like a grown adult. It's an interesting talk, but it's NEVER (or very barely) addressed that way in the actual material. His whole "turn the other cheek, because he needs a vague romance" trope is really just one massive fucking plot hole and I don't know why people aren't completely pissed about it. His messy narrative is one of my least favourite things in the series. It almost turns me off of his games and movies entirely. I enjoyed REmake, 7 and 8 the most because at least the characters add up. Their motivations are clear. It's a fully formed story and we know who does what and why. They just haven't fucking done that with Leon. They can't decide on whether to flesh him out properly or to keep throwing him early naughts b-movie tropes that arguably, just make him less likeable (to me).

Sorry for the rant. But holy shit. Anything about his character outside of "I'm angry, let's shoot" has been fucking terrible, in my eyes. They have no idea what to do with him. His choices constantly fucking contradict themselves. He's like a nonstop, unstable "what to doooo?" asshole and I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYONE ELSE ISN'T MAD ABOUT THE CONSTANT PLOT HOLES AND SENSELESS BULLSHIT THIS CHARACTER DOES I HONESTLY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HE BECAME MORE POPULAR THAN CHRIS, CLAIRE, WESKER, HUNNIGAN, ETHAN AND JILL OTHER THAN "HE HAS COOL BANGS AND TELLS JOKES SOMETIMES" LIKE WHAT?

I know I'll get roasted and shredded for saying it, but jesus christ man, it's such an enormous pet peeve of mine. I just want the remakes to finish their job of understanding that Leon hasn't been written well and he's gotta be fixed. That Ashley actually has a whole load of potential and Ada has only ever been an empty, racist and sexist stereotype that can't be fixed unless they bother to actually write any sort of story for her other than "sexy Asian is mean sometimes, but her terrorism is okay because the emo boy kissed her this one time and has known her for a combined 15 hours."

Phew. I am mad. I'm sorry for exposing you to this. I've only gotten into RE like less than a year ago and the stupidity and lack of literacy and analysis in this fucking fanbase is crazy to me. If I see one more "sibling coded toxic age gap, Leon is flawless omg ashley little girl so silly" post I'm going to shave my head. Even my phone is glitching because it can't keep up with my seemingly very unpopular rager.

homie i'mma need u to fuckin breathe and understand that this is the same series where the only reason that the main villain ever had to hate the main protagonist was the fact that the main protagonist laughed at his science project -- and then that detail was retconned out of the remake, and now there's no reason for wesker to hate chris at all, actually.

this is the same series that killed off its main villain way too prematurely, realized immediately that they fucked up by doing it, and, instead of just retconning it and bringing him back, they tried to "oops! all weskers!" it, then didn't know what to do with that, then just decided to write it so that he had a son, but then nobody liked him, either, and now they're just going FUCK IT LET'S JUST REMAKE THE WHOLE THING.

this is the same series that is so unabashedly and unrepentantly racist that it sends its white american protagonist into the heart of africa, whereabouts he encounters a village with actual mud huts in it, where the townspeople are dressed in actual tribal clothing, and they chuck actual literal spears at him.

this is the same series where the creators openly admitted to not allowing their main female protagonist to visibly age because they thought it'd hurt their bottom line.

this is the same series where the objectively best title in it has a story that's so fucking bad that the dude who wrote and directed it said that he'd only support a remake of it if the remake fixed his shitty fucking story and actually told a good one.

this is the same series where rachel fucking foley exists and is meant to be taken seriously.

this is the same series where a dude fucking a spider is, questionably and arguably, canon.

leon is not remotely the worst part of resident evil's storytelling, nor is ada the most offensively racist part of it. THE ENTIRE NARRATIVE OF RESIDENT EVIL IS NONSENSE DOG GARBAGE. leon and ada are just par for the course.

if you are not a raccoon and/or opossum who enjoys gorging yourself on garbage, perhaps resident evil is not the series for you.

that's why they called it raccoon city in the first place.

because the playerbase must inevitably be filled with raccoons, because only raccoons would enjoy the sheer amount of garbage that the story throws at them.

[lennjamin-o7]

🌯🗡️ anon here! Just woke up and the new chap and jesus christ I feel so fucking bad for Techno!

Like Phil genuinely can't come soon enough, when he next see's Techno I know that mans gonna be FURIOUS. God I don't even know what to start on there's just so much to like go over!

First with the people staring, of course they'd start getting eyefuls the second Phil isn't around to guard his sonboy and make them scatter away; It just sucks that Techno's gonna have to deal with it for now, don't worry Tech you have a very murderous father waiting for you, just wait a couple days and all will be fixed!

And then we move onto Mielle. Fuck Mielle. All my homies hate Mielle. Like I understand to a point that its fae nature to be an asshole since they're such self centred creatures but like, she's an asshole even for a fae. No wonder Phil rejected this little bastard, her vibes are simply too rancid to be allowed near his wonderful perfect wife!

She's gonna handle Phil not wanting her WONDERFULLY I can just tell after her totally reasonable response to the cookies. Also her wanting to yoink Phil's earring??? I already know that would've ended horribly for her, bros probably enchanted that to be a nuclear bomb for anyone else to wear. Nuclear bombza dare I say. I understand to a degree that the others are affected by whatever fae magic she's unconsciously / consciously using but honestly so far the only redeemable one is the queen.

Mielle: "I know you wanna adopt me SO BAD but I wanna stay with this family"

Phil: "Ew?? Who even are you??? Move aside so I can see my real baby"

Techno: 🧍‍♂️

Phil, practically vibrating with joy: "There he is!!! There's the boy!!!!" :D

Mielle: "HIM????"

Like with the cookie scene. "Techno’s grip around the bag loosened for a moment, habitually giving in to Mielle's request" Techno I don't think that's entirely habit. Mielle really wasn't prepared for her personal punching bag to gain a bit of magic resistance against her huh. Like I know Phil absolutely like enchanted the promise because that's technically a deal and since he's more powerful than her, he won that little battle but like bro accidentally threw Tech into like boiling water with that one.

Mielle: No fear

Phil: "I heard you gave Techno a bit of a scratch m8, lets have a little chat"

Mielle: 1 fear

or

Mielle after Techno spills what she did to Phil: "Why do I hear boss music??"

Also the scratch??? Phil was already gonna be mad about the hair but his sonboy being hurt?? In a custody battle they don't even know they're fighting??? If Kristin was already trying to deny him it'd take 1 look at the little skrunkle for him to just steal her Entire Heart away. Instantly.

Kristin: "Phil as much as I'd like to give into you, this is a very big commitment and I don't know if you're ready for it! No matter how wonderful he might be."

Techno: Walks in with a massive scratch on his cheek and his hair shaved off, visibly miserable. Very much looking like a sad wet cat.

Kristin: 🧡👄🧡

Kristin: "Oh. Oh he is a little baby isn't he? A sweet baby boy. A sonboy. Isn't he cute? He's kind?? Talented too, you say??? Our sonboy now. I want full custody and I want it NOW"

On that note though. Felix. Fuck Felix. All my homies hate Felix. Bro pretends to like sympathise with Techno but like very clearly sees himself above him. I wanna think he TRIES to be a good brother but if I'm completely honest I doubt that. Bro was obviously mad that Tech like started making his own way in the world. Watch it come up that the king and queen didn't order the hair thing at all. Purely just him bullying Techno for daring to say no to his spoiled brat of a sister.

He's still a bit of a magic baby anyway due to like Phils original deal so I think he'd have a bit of magic resistance too since the whole magical conception / womb deal. I could absolutely be wrong but like he clearly has some magic to him, meaning he in theory SHOULD be more resistant to Mielle. He probably just decides to give into her so he can feed his ego more.

You're like 21 bullying a 13 year old, get a fucking life Felix. Maybe get a hobby. I heard Getting Ripped Apart by Philza was about to come into season real soon; maybe give that a go! Oh also! I'm gonna cast my little guess for how this is gonna end out here to see how far off I might be when the end gets revealed. I have a feeling that it's gonna end in Mielle and Felix maybe getting punished rather than the queen and king.

Like yeah they're the ones that broke the deal but the kids ARE the deal and they have been fucking with Phil's new baby boy. So maybe the punishment will just be "You wanted kids?? I you had 3 but you refused to give me the 1 you promised so now I'm taking 1 by force and killing the other 2" type deal or more of a "You broke the deal but gimmie the one kid you had outside the deal and I'll call it even".

Oh and back to the hair! I'm not entirely sure how long it really is since Tech refused to look in the mirror so mentally I'm thinking of more of a classic Wilbur Soot type hair rn, does that mean Phils faerie knot got cut out?? If that's his tracker / the way he can get to his sonboy then that's even more angst for Tech. He's really just had an awful day. First he say to say bye to Phil, then Mielle is a bitch, then FELIX is a bitch and finally Phil doesn't come to visit him?? So much more skrunkle for the skrunkle boy!

I know I've like brushed on it a bit twice but like Phil is gonna be SO fucking furious when he see's what they've done. He leaves his baby boy in their custody for like 14 hours TOPS if he doesn't come visit Techno in the manor and they fuck up THAT much??? Like its good since that's gonna push Tech even more into Phil but also Phil wants Tech to be fucking happy for once!

Phil: "He's gonna come in any moment my love, you cant miss him, he's the boy with the long pink hair and adoptable vibes!"

Kristin: "I mean I see a kid with pink hair but his hair is far shorter than you said and and he looks miserable; He's kinda like a sad wet cat, I can see how he's perfect for us!"

Phil: :) "Ikr! He's so wonderfu- WAIT HOW DID THEY FUCK HIM UP THAT BAD SO QUICKLY????" >:O

Phil shaking the king and queen by the shoulders: >:( "WHAT DID YOU DO??? WHY DO YOU KEEP RUINING THINGS????"

I just love the thought of Phil having to like sales pitch Techno to Kristin and her having been on board ages ago or like her getting a single look at Techno and him just YOINKING her heart. Simply doing what Phil spent literal DECADES trying to do in like 2 seconds flat.

Phil: "Hes super good at archery, very kind and so SO skrunkly"

Kristin: :/ "Idk Phil I'm just not sure"

Phil, sighing: "I guess I have to pull out the big guns then"

Kristin "oh?"

Phil: "I saw him eat an entire hand pie in under 30 seconds. He unhinged his jaw like some kind of snake and nearly swallowed it whole. It was awful. I thought he was gonna choke like every bite!"

Kristin: :O

Kristin: "Terrifying. When can I meet him?? He sounds wonderful!" :D

Techno's gonna get so many pies when Phil wins the custody battle I can see it now. They call him the blood god because he's always 'covered in blood' but it's actually all the filling of the pies Phil gives him. He just shoved too many in his mouth at once and it got all over his shirt. He's too embarrassed to correct anyone so he just lets the rumour continue. Phil and Kristin find it HILARIOUS. Whenever Techno's upset in the future, post adoption, they always give him cookies or pie to comfort him. He deserves it.

Techno: 👁️💧🐽💧👁️

Phil: "I'm gonna give this boy so much fucking pie you don't even know"

Phil eventually teaches Techno how to bake, Techno immediately uses it for evil. The Potato Pie Incident will forever be feared in the fae court. That on top of many more disasters he begins through baking; he becomes as infamous as Phil because of it. Phil is so SO proud.

Fae courtier: "You suck! you're just Phil and Kristins pity project!!"

Techno: "Say that again and I PROMISE I'll go into the fucking kitchen and start baking ON TOP of telling mum and dad!"

Fae courtier, shaking in fear: "I'm so sorry young prince, I don't know what came over me! Please don't punish others for my actions!!"

or

Phil: "Hey Tech! How's my little piggy doing? What are you baking??" :D

Techno, in a frilly apron: "Revenge" >:(

Phil, crying: "I'm so proud!" :,)

I think that's enough brainrot for now, I hope you enjoy my novel; As always have a wonderful day and I'm sorry if I've overwhelmed you!

Gosh, I love your asks 💚💚💚💚💚

Techno is having a #time, certainly. Phil is not going to be happy about how Techno ks being treated. Like. At all.

He's a very special boy. Who wouldn't want to stare? But, to be fair, most of the people staring were humans. The fae scattered. They know better. Mostly. Some snuck back to stare once Philza skipped off. How could they not? Gossips, the lot of them.

Mielle is very much not a good person, nope. She is a bad apple, for sure. Kind of hard not to be when you are raised thinking you are perfect. She's selfish. She's vain. She thinks she is the only person and everyone else is just side characters. Techno saying NO???? Literally, hacks. No way. Couldn't happen. That is IMPOSSIBLE???

And yeah, Phil absolutely threw Techno into a very bad situation. Though, I think you might need to be wary of the "accidentally" in that sentence. Granted, I doubt he realized how hot the pot really was when he threw Techno into it.

As you said, he will NOT be happy with tbe scratch. His sonboy? Scratched? SCRATCHED?

I love how you describe Kristin seeing the sad skrunkle of a Techno for the first time. It had me cackling all day.

Yeah, Felix honestly thinks he's helping. He isn't, but he isn't being an ass just for the sake of being an ass. But he absolutely pulled the soup trick, and the exploring around thing to soften Techno to get him to cut his hair. Like, that was an intentional move. It wasn't a coincidence.

And Felix IS less affected by Mielle's magical pull. But, it's also a little sister who he was raised to be incredibly protective of and honestly hold in higher regard than his own country. His devotion is less magical and more that he was raised to view her as the most important person. Like, he was 4 when she was born. Imagine being told over and over again from the age of 4 that you HAVE to protect your sister. That your sister is delicate and special and we are putting everything on the line for her. Like, that's also a factor. He has more of a resistance, magically. But he was still raised to act that way.

I like hearing your predictions. :) Please continue to send them.

Techno's hair is very short. One inch of hair is not very long. My sister cuts hair, and I asked her how short 1 inch of hair is, and she said it was a clipper guard 8.

Which is something like this.

It's very short.

And yeah, the faerie knot got cut out :(

And your impression of Phil trying to convince Kristin is SENDING ME. Sales pitch Philza, convincing Wife about the benefits of new child. He's precious as an apple pie. So cute. Little bit skrunkle but that's a pro, not a con.

PIE FOR THE PIE GOD!!!

I appreciate every second of this! Every. Second. Sorry if I missed anything in my reply. It's a bit hard on mobile. But I have been sitting here, giggling, while reading this. Always feel free to share your thoughts!

[spaceyshenanigans]

Fuck dollar shave club all my homies hate dollar shave club

[kiriluvbot]

NO ONE ASKED BUT IM HERE TO SUPPLY ANYWAY!

sero hanta headcanons for the soul

- asexual, pan-romantic!

- uses they/he pronouns (didn’t know they could have different pronouns until he met tokoyami, and they spent their entire first year having a crisis over it)

- i know it’s old and overused but this kid is a hufflepuff, through and through

- CHILD OF APHRODITE. i take no criticism.

- a heartthrob among his entire grade, not just class A, but B as well, and the general course, and the business course,, AND the support course. everyone loves sero hanta.

- a natural charmer but is literally not aware that they make everyone within a 400 meter radius of them swoon

- until kaminari tells him in their second year. homie. youre fucking hot. and mina says, use it to your advantage. SO HE DOES.

- third year sero hanta is a force to be reckoned with, let me tell you. using their charm along with their natural ability to just. Befriend anyone (including a brick WALL tbh) to get his way. they get their way, they Know Everything. everyone knows his name by the time he graduates.

- The Older Sibling friend. not quite the mom friend or even the dad friend, but the older sibling. he’s a constant source of comfort and dependability among his class, but theyre also an agent of chaos that likes to cause problems On Purpose just to see what’ll happen. they never get caught being the instigator tho. no one can ever catch him.

- likes to watch aforementioned chaos from the sidelines. a mediator and an excellent negotiator. keeps his friends (cough, bakugo) from murdering each other or other people (cough, monoma)

- i like to think he’s the eldest child with two or three younger sisters and maybe a baby brother. their parents divorced right before sero started high school, and he and his siblings live with their mom. she’s a real lovely lady.

- since he’s the eldest, he kinda knows how to take care of people. sick people, sad people, hungry people. they can read and understand people really well if they really matter to him.

- most of the time there’s just wii music in their head tho

- they weren’t super great at prioritizing themselves/taking care of themselves when he first moved in to the dorms, but with time and help from his friends, they keep getting better at it

- sero gets his looks from his dad and his attitude from his mother. again, i imagine she’s a real lovely lady.

- their love language is physical touch! with so many younger siblings and his natural Eldest Sibling Vibe, it’s only natural for him to be super cuddly and affectionate!

- while it may not be their love language, sero also probably really likes spending quality time with his friends. they like going out, they like being loud and having a blast, but the kid also wouldn’t mind sitting in his room with his friends in silence while everyone did their own individual thing.

- the kind of person that sleeps with one pillow only and one blanket only

- probably runs warm, kicks off the blanket in the summer time. either sleeps on his back stretched out like a starfish or curled into themselves like a baby. no in between.

- has a pair of underwear they call their “lucky underwear” and it’s just a pair with spider-man’s face as the pattern.

- the kid does not have regular chairs in his dorm. it’s bean bags or the floor, man.

- they also have a hammock . i’ve seen this repeating trope in every single fic i’ve ever read

- keeps a stash of snacks in his room! but it’s a trade system. kaminari gets m&ms for cheek kisses, kirishima gets beef jerky for his most rib crushing hug, and todoroki gets gummy worms if he shares his manga.

- has led lights that are connected to his speaker and changes color every time a song changes

- has only three playlists. only three.

- they’re titled, respectively: “u yearning bastard,,” “monch monch”, “for pissing bkg off”

- he still listens to the jonas brothers, lots of big time rush, but also fleetwood mac and abba. frank ocean, lorde,,,, but also. they know every word to both mama mia soundtracks.

- absolutely adores horror + romance movies and not much else

- he tries getting into star wars for kirishima’s sake but he literally cannot keep up with the plot for shit.

- can quote the entirety of the notebook with mina (it infuriates bakugo to no end when those two ask to watch it for the fifth time in a week)

- has never tried an energy drink in their life, absolutely refuses to because caffeine makes him Shake and he hates the feeling

- drinks a lot of tea tho! with momo and todoroki!

- favorite snack is oranges. this kid always has oranges.

- aside from satou and bakugo, sero is probably one of the best cooks in their class

- resident pretty boy. did i mention everyone loves them? seriously. he even has the ever so stoic shouto todoroki pining after him.

- had a huge growth spurt the summer after second year began. it pissed off all their friends because he finally passed 6’ while the others were still stuck at 5’9 or below.

- by graduation, sero reached 6’3, and bakugo was still mad, because bakugo never passed 5’10.

- really grew into himself by the end of high school, finally learning how they wanted to express themselves with his clothing style, hair and *clenches fist* piercings

- started painting his nails the summer before their third year and hasnt stopped

- glorious, curly mullet. bejeweled hair pins. jean jackets and platform docs. piercings all the way up his ears. a nose ring and a smiley. (if you don’t know what a smiley is, i beg you to search it up. it’s the cutest fucking thing i’ve ever seen in my life and i want one so bad)

- ochaco is the one who cuts sero’s hair in third year.

- he got most of his piercings alongside bakugo or kaminari, but when they went to get the nose ring, they’d gone with iida and midoriya. and when he got the smiley, he went with todoroki, who squeezed his hand when the needle went through, even if todoroki wasn’t the one getting pierced.

- one time he and denki shaved their legs and arms and Everything to see if it would make them “more aerodynamic” ( “haha dont u mean /sero/dynamic?” “shut up”)

- strangely flexible. everywhere. it makes shouji shiver and jirou gag. it makes todoroki stare with wide, disbelieving eyes.

- really bad handwriting. like. what the fuck.

- that doesn’t stop them from writing cards for each of his friends for their birthdays, for christmas. it doesn’t stop them from writing letters to todoroki (even if he ended up shredding them and throwing them away after they were finished so no one would ever find them. he wanted to ask bakugo to incinerate them, just to be safe, but they didn’t want bakugo, or anyone else, that he had written love letters to shouto todoroki.)

(....not until after they confessed and finally started dating in their third year.)

- finger guns. unironically.

- is a surprisingly good dancer and a passable singer!!!!!!!!

- sings in the shower. also dances in the shower, but one time they fell and hit the wall connecting his and todoroki’s room, and todoroki thought he might’ve died. came to his door and didn’t bother knocking to check and see if they were alright. sero didn’t dance in the shower for a long time after that.

- his favorite color is yellow, but they also really, really like red.

- doesn’t have a fucking phone case on their phone.

- earbuds falling apart but he just keeps putting more tape over them because they really don’t wanna buy new ones (kirishima bought him a pair for christmas because he didn’t want sero to get electrocuted from broken earbuds. sero ensured him he would likely not get electrocuted just from some earbuds, but took the gift anyway)

- smell checks their clothes like a HEATHEN

- is in love with shouto todoroki.

that’s all :) sero hanta is my number one best boy and i love them dearly.

[ffakc]

Pony - a Jeffrey Dean Morgan fanfiction

I’ve always wanted to write a story from JDM’s POV, especially when it comes to eating 🐱, because I imagine he’d be really good at it. I also got really lost in this when writing it and got insanely turned on, so I hope y’all feel the same way!

@negans-attagirl @happysgal @iluvneganandjamie @mrsnegan

I had grown out my beard for the newest season of The Walking Dead. Negan was going to be in prison for the next year, so I had to look the part. I also hate shaving, so this was my dream come true. I was also promoting my new movie Rampage with my buddy Dwayne. Dwayne Johnson, that is.

My gal also loved the long, grayness of it all. She had been texting me flirty things all day from the hotel room and it was absolutely driving me wild. It’s damn near impossible to do press junkets with a raging hard on.

“Reading the script, this is exactly the movie I’ve always wanted to-“ my phone pings loudly, “Aw, shit. I’m sorry, man. I meant to turn my phone on silent. Cut!” I joke and glance at the text from my Princess: I want to ride your beard like a pony, Daddy. I exhale loudly and shove my phone in my pocket.

“You good, homie?” Dwayne asks.

“Yeah, I’m fine, thanks! Just family stuff,” I reply. My pants were painfully tight in the crotch at this point. “Anyway, where were we?” I place my glasses on top of my head. “It’s just one of those classic popcorn flicks, you know?”

The interview seemed to drag on as my phone silently buzzed with filthy messages and pictures. What a dirty girl I had.

***

“What the fuck was that?” I smile at my gal. She looks adorable in my hoodie and her short shorts.

“Did I do something?” she replies, feigning innocence as she slides her legs between mine, running a finger over my lips and kissing me. My breath quavers as she moans into my mouth.

“Teasing Daddy while he’s trying to work. Bad, bad girl,” I groan as she grips my balls gently as she nibbles my neck. She reaches into her back pocket and I hear a jingling sound. A puzzled expression takes over my face, “What do you have there, Princess?”

“Since you’re going to prison for the next year,” she giggles and pulls a pair of handcuffs from behind her, “Maybe you should get used to wearing these bad boys.”

“You think you’re in charge, hm? Might I remind you who your Daddy is-“ I smirk. She grips my throat, cutting me off by making me lose my breath.

“I’m in charge tonight,” she growls. “Lay on the bed, Daddy. Flat on your back, come on,” she commands, snapping her fingers.

“Yes, Mistress,” I do as I’m told. My gal meant business. I look up at her as she walks around the bed.

“Good boy. Don’t move,” she praises. She strips her clothes, revealing a skimpy, crotchless number. I hold out my hand to pull her into a lustful kiss. “I said, ‘don’t move’. Did you not hear me?” Her stern tone sends a chill down my spine. She sucks my finger and throws my hand back on the bed. I giggle like a little kid, her dominant streak was amusing. This role reversal was going to be fun. “Is something funny, Jeffrey Dean? Take your shirt off.” I follow her orders and she grabs my arm and cuffs one hand to the headboard, then the other. She pulls my glasses off, folding them and placing them on the nightstand.

“You sound like my mother,” I smirk.

“Oh, so I’m ‘Mommy’ now?” she bites her lip, trying not to laugh and stay in character. I glance at my cuffed hands.

“What are you going to do, baby gi- I mean, Mistress?” I ask. She leans down and laps around my nipples. I suck my teeth, god that felt good.

“I’m going to make you my fuck toy tonight,” she moans in my ear. She climbs on the bed, straddling my chest. I could feel the slickness of her dripping pussy, leaving a small damp spot in my chest hair. “If it’s too much, just tap my thigh hard three times”. I felt like I was about to bust out of my jeans, but she made it clear I only existed for her pleasure. I felt more submissive than I ever have in bed with her and it was so fucking hot.

“Baby doll, I don’t think I could ever get enough of your pussy,” I moan. She inched closer to my face. My breath was hot against her inner folds, giving her chills. “I’m ready,” I murmur. She smelled utterly scrumptious. The Tommy Hilfiger perfume coupled with her salty, sweet wetness was intoxicating. She pressed my head between her deliciously thick thighs as she rocked against my mouth. I wanted so bad to squeeze her ass to bring her closer, but I wasn’t allowed.

“Jeffrey,” she whimpers my name. I’m lost in a sea of bliss. I love making her feel like the goddess she is. “Your beard feels so fucking good. Oh Daddy!” I smirk and go back to work. I circle my tongue around her clit, sucking it between my lips. She grasps my hair as my head gets squished a little tighter. I chuckle softly to myself, I know that means I’m doing my job right. I lick a stripe from her entrance to her precious jewel. “God, your gray hair drives me insane,” her hips rock faster and I try to match her movements with my mouth.

“Does it now? You love that I’m old enough to be your dad? You love with age comes,” I kiss around her drenched inner lips, “Experience. You love that I take care of you, don’t you, Princess? Daddy loves you.”

“Fuck yes, baby. Oh my god!” her thighs begin to tremble and the familiar throbbing sensation begins like a faint drumbeat from deep inside her walls. I squirm beneath her, wanting release so bad, but I’m not allowed. “Please let me cum, Jeff! Please!”

“You’re in charge, remember?”

“Jeff, I’m going to drown you in my-“

“Fucking drown me, doll. I won’t waste a single drop. God, you taste so sweet.“

“Jeffrey!” my gal screamed out as her juices soaked my beard. I lap my tongue like someone who hadn’t drank water in weeks. She shakily slides down my chest, grabbing the key from the nightstand. She unlocks the handcuffs and collapses onto my chest. I pull her into a kiss.

“Making you feel good,” I say in between kisses, “Makes me feel good. I would go wash my face, but tasting you in my mustache turns me on all over again. You sure have a yummy little treat there, sugar. I love the shit out of you.”

“I love you too,” my gal is still catching her breath.

[saintlexii]

Masterlist

- I just wanted to do a little off track betting. 

- I have a family, I can't afford to be a hero!

- This thing still better run!

- You better have insurance!

- Do I look like some poor person you can just hit?

- You think you're a big man, don't you?

- To sit in sullen silence on a dull dark dock.

- China Town is a poor substitute for the real thing.

- I'm going to Rico's club tonight, it's not like I we him money.

- How much do you cost?

- I can't believe that bastard had the balls to hold the door open for me.

- I can't believe my nephew joined up with those Westside - whatever they're calleds.

- Why those mother fuckers keep asking me what time it is?

- Ain't no way around it, my crew's gonna fuck you up!

- Men like you make me sick.

- I don't wanna lower myself by speaking with you.

- People like you turn the Barrio into a warzone.

- I've heard all about you, so don't think you're getting any of this!

- You wanna head on back to my trailer, baby?

- I'm pressing charges!

- I'm surprised Julius would get mixed up with someone like you.

- My people don't really know your people.

- I wanna read about this stuff, not live it!

- Oh wow, she's gotta be a hooker!

- The police will take care of you soon enough!

- Thanks for checking if I'm okay, asshole!

- Can't believe my parents still give me a curfew.

- Get lost drop out.

- Maybe Tanya will hire me back.

- My grandpa says Julius ain't nothing but a bitch, that true?

- Trust me, you don't know who you're dealing with.

- You hear what they sell under the counter at Brown Baggers?

- I hope I have better luck tomorrow.

- I don't know what people are talking about, you don't seem like a bitch.

- You bottom feeders only make things worse.

- Wow, that's so big... Really, I mean it.

- Why are you strapping that on?

- You're prettier than that last girl I had.

- Is this your first time or something?

- Use the cigarette lighter.

- I thought you said I could keep the panties.

- Don't be shy, use as many fingers as you want.

- You deserve a uh ticket!

- I gotta hit the showers, I smell like a whore.

- You woman hating jackass!

- It'll wash out of your hair eventually.

- Sorry about your handbag.

- I got some pills if you wanna party!

- You missed me, asshole!

- I swear, the next person to call me twinkie gets their nose broken.

- I wander what happened to Luz. I haven't seen her since she started dating Angelo.

- Hey, are you a pimp?

- Have you ever thought about getting a real job?

- Why don't you ditch those skanky hoes and be with a real woman?

- It's not all about material possessions, man.

- I wish my parents would let me shave.

- You look familiar... Did I defend you once?

- When Hughes is elected, all of your ghetto friends are gonna be history.

- You tell that scrub, Dex, that I'm on to him.

- It takes more than running the Row to impress us here.

- You got something you wanna say to me, bitch?

- Up to no good, son?

- You got your work cut out for you, Playa.

- Any good clubs in Saints Row?

- You don't think being in a gang is a turn on, do ya?

- How the fuck did they make child support mandatory?

-It breaks my heart seeing a sister disrespecting herself by turning tricks.

- You lookin' lonely, honey.

- You know a guy named Troy? That asshole never called me back.

- When are men gonna get that talking about cars is a bigger turn off than syphilis. 

- I think all the rap music is making kids violent.

- Fur is murder!

- So what is 3rd Street? A modeling agency?

- Those Rollerz are a blight on the suburbs.

- I have seen you friend Johnny in court. He has quite the temper.

- So you hang out with that Johnny guy, right?

- Oh darn, I forgot to wear those panties he likes.

- Since I'm a gentleman, I'll let you pick the hoe.

- Be careful, flashy clothes don't stop a bullet.

- We need to save the trees!

- Look, I don't want any trouble... homie.

- How am I supposed to pay for a hooker when I keep getting held up?

- Are you one of those awful gang boys?

- Could you give Johnny my number?

- Stay away from the drugs, you hear me?

- Shit, my baby sister's more gangster than you.

-I wander where I can meet some Asian chicks.

- If you want some high grade dick, just let me know.

[twlvie]

For the Blorbo Ask... Final Fantasy 12. (Obviously.)

blorbo: gabranth obviously i mean. he's me's. i likeses him. [image of me holding a very small marketable plushie of him and wearing a wedding veil]. also venat bc i love them . simply the guy ever

scrunkly: basch. i like him. this is umm. the concept art of him where he looks like a possum that hasn't shaved in three months? yeah. that scrunkly. he's just shaped like a rectangle and i like him a lot. also unpopular character but i like monid very very much and he is quite frankly also the guy of all time. also larsa bc he's so ooo small

scrimblo bimblo: um. i mean all of them because like 2 ppl talk about this game... but in all seriousness, mjrn or migelo. i love them and i wish we got side content with them or something. i love them sooooo much xoxo. also both cids

glup shitto: hurdy.............. i love her so much. moogle of all time for all eternity. i love her little sleeves. her transfem swag

my poor little meow meow: now i'm going to say something controversial here but this is also gabranth. he's my poor little meow meow. however vayne as well because like. we could have avoided the entire plot of xii if he just went to therapy

horse plinko: judge ghis because he's pathetic and it would be like, REALLY fucking funny.

eeby deeby: FUCK gramis gana solidor all my homies HATE gramis gana solidor

[outlander-babes]

Voyager Thoughts*

*spoilers obviously

Jamie being like “PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHOOT ME” is a whole mood

Guess what! I’m still a Roger Mac Stan

Brianna and Fiona being friends is so cute

Claire’s so proud of her child making a discovery

Do you want to shave once a month and drink deer blood in a minor fit of insanity? Become a dunbonnet today!

Good god I hate Frank so much

John literally despising Jamie is SO FUNNY

Fiona and her snackies are so sweet omg

I just love Fiona guys

Imagine not supporting your wife rip to Frank but it couldn’t be me

I’m in love with John okay?

He’s baby

HOWEVER can we PLEASE get him a loving husband and NOT a man who’s (understandably) vaguely homophobic

Rest In Peace Hector you were the best character we never met 😔✊

FUCK GENEVA ALL MY HOMIES HATE GENEVA

Lady Dunsany is cool though

Oh Willie my sweet summer child

John and Jamie playing verbal chess shouldn’t be as funny as it is

Would I die for Joe Abernathy? Yes

Frank please for the love of god go suck a whole dick

Brianna and her ugly green dress is a whole mood

Geordie is also a whole mood

Would I pass out if my wife who I thought was gone for 20 years showed up at my place of work? Undoubtedly

Claire thinking Jamie’s a pimp is really something

THE IANS!!!

FERGUS!!!

I love them your honor

Young Ian = baby

The way he warms up to Claire after figuring out who she is is SO CUTE AHHHH

Hi yes why do I keep seeing fics where Jenny isnt happy to see Claire??? Is this a show thing???

I mean come on your don’t bear hug a person and say “you even smell the same” if you’re pissed at them

OK VERY BELATED BUT I JUST REMEMBERED Claire with her PB&J is SO FUNNY

I love how young Ian was told “do NOT get Claire I’m fine” and immediately went “yeah...I’m not doing that”

NED GOWEN MY GOOD SIR I LOVE YOU

JENNY IS A LOVING SISTER WHO WENT THROUGH HELL AND JUST WANTS HER BROTHER

Respect Jenny Murray or die by my sword

I can’t believe young Ian was really kidnapped by a ship named “witchcraft”

Mother Hildegarde and all her Boutons make my heart happy

Rest In Peace baby Faith we all love you

Claire and Murphy are so funny

Elias Pound deserved better 2k21

Claire flinging herself into the ocean is kinda funny

Stern and Father Fogdan are kILLING ME

Also everyone please stan Marsali she deserves it

Claire beating the shit out of the slave auctioneer was very fun fresh and sexy of her

Did I sob for Murtagh? Of course I did I’m not a heathen

Claire’s story about Graham Menzies is so sad

Has Claire met some of Joe’s ancestors? WE’LL NEVER KNOOOOW

Mr Stern you are a joy

Claire being like “....am I being cheated on...but black jack...what????” About Jamie and John shouldn’t be as funny as it is

Listen I got a sudden vision of a round faced John Grey and now you can pry chubby cheeked John from my cold dead hands

Oh lovely geillis is back and just as bat shit crazy as ever

Uhhhhh Stan Margaret Campbell

Yi Tien Cho did what had to be done I said what I said

Once again I am asking y’all to give Lawrence Stern the respect he deserves

Ok listen I love and respect Ian and Jamie’s friendship but in the americas Duncan Innes is Jamie’s best friend

Claire bashing in Geillis’ head with an ax in a fit of rage is really everything I could have wanted and more

THERE ARE NO CATS IN AMERICA AND THE ROADS ARE PAVED WITH CHEESE

[calypsoff]

Twenty Seven.

Rolling my eyes hard while on FaceTime to Chris, you know what why is the man I love, also is the love of my life and I adore him so much, but he is so fucking stubborn. He has his moments where he will leave his ego at the door where he will obey me and what I say and then the next day he will refuse to hear me out or say I am being judgemental and I need to listen to what I am saying to him, it’s always my way, it never is anyways. But I swear he does shit and doesn’t think of the bigger picture at all “you got a face on with me?” So he says “not so much, you could be here with me in Cali but instead you’re there in Virginia about to do something dumb, it’s not even your child to care” I want to tell him no, I want to say to him if you love me don’t go but I know it will fall on deaf ears. I will look like the nasty one and that I look insecure when I don’t “exactly, show my face and go” I sniggered “that is the issue, you know why Chris. Do it, go. I am busy anyways, I think you need a lesson” rubbing my forehead “you are doing the most for nothing, it’s really nothing. But anyways I’m going to go and look pretty” annoying asshole “ok bye” disconnecting the call before he could say anything more, he just wants to annoy me “why does he purposely go out of his way to be an asshole!” I shouted “baby you could have said no, it’s easy” Mel added hearing the whole conversation, this is whole other issue. I don’t like how we are all dating people in the same circle, if shit goes wrong it will affect us “you don’t know Chris like I do, but you know what. Let him go, he hasn’t had the blogs be on his ass, he doesn’t know what it is like being famous and he will soon find out, I want him too. I’m going to rehearsal and ignoring him when he’s getting tagged in false claims, I don’t care for them. I just didn’t want the mess but let him, he will be calling me up saying I didn’t do anything. Let it happen Mel, who am I to hide him when he doesn’t want it from me, but I am angry, and until further notice I don’t want to know” shaking my head, he is going to get a nasty wake up call.

I enjoyed Virginia a lot, I loved how homie it was. I enjoyed my time with Chris, and I loved it all. It was a real good time away to be honest, it was my home when I was doing the exchange programme, I loved that his family treated me well and I feel Chris and I are closer than ever. But he just needs to stop trying to hear his own voice, like he doesn’t need to go but he will. And I can’t wait to hear him call me and say I didn’t do anything when they are dragging him, me. I have become immune to it, Chris will get a lesson in this “you have a face like thunder, the dancers are going to be shook” Mel said through her laughter “oh I’m not angry, I was just thinking. But how is you and Barry getting on? Is he less stubborn than Chris? Does he actually listen” Mel chuckled, she is laughing but I’m not, I hate when Chris is like this. Tries to be the man of our home, he knows damn well he will be crying to me “he’s a nerd, like Chris and I like that about him. He’s easy going, and we talk every day. He said that if we do end up being together and it works out well enough that he would move here and I’m like nigga already!? I mean I am not whipped at all but he’s nice, and easy going” I sighed out “oh brother, now why can’t Chris be this way” my man is a whole pain “because he likes to be the man of the house, I don’t know. Something he will get over but I’m excited” I’m scared of this whole relationship with friends’ things, I am just not sure of what to make of it. I feel like we will be judging each other, maybe that’s me because Chris is being a pain, but I hope it’s not what I assume it will be, I want better for me, for him, for us to be honest.

Robyn is cute, like she left me her gold chain. I mean it’s cute and small, but she left it behind, I think she did, or she purposely left it here, but I am wearing it anyways. Putting my snapback backwards, I wore the chain anyways, but I am just wearing the minimum, I wore white tee and grey sweatpants. I am just going to go to the thing and then leave, I am there for the free food like the fuck. It’s not even that deep, like I don’t understand why it’s a big thing, I mean I get it but it’s nothing. Go there and leave, that is it. I am late anyways, I told him I am going to go there late because I don’t want to be there all day. They are having the reveal at a hall, so I will turn up and then leave. I showed my face, I am there for my nigga so does it matter. Closing my bedroom door and making my way down the steps “where are you going?” Desean asked me “out, I will be back. Dad, I am borrowing the car!” I shouted; I been borrowing the car every day since being here. I need to get my own car; this is my list for my family. A new car for them, a new home. A bigger one anyways, they deserve it “when will you be back?” my dad asked “I won’t be long, I am going to see TJ” my dad nodded his head “uh, isn’t it Seiko gender party today? I saw someone post a little something about it” nodding my head “anyways, bye” I don’t need to hear anyone speak on this, I know what I am doing. This is my life, I need to take a hold of it in a way of making big money, I need to get into that life. And I think California, well me being in California will do me good. I need that in my life, I need to win big for me and my family and also Robyn, I need to do it for her too.

Locking my car door and making my way to the hall, these Jordan’s I have on right now are brand new, I just bought them today and these sweatpants is what Drake gave me from his clothing line, dope. I ain’t dressed up, I ain’t even shaved so if anyone thinks I made the effort then they lying as fuck. Licking my top lip pulling open the door to the place, I told TJ I am coming, and he came to meet me “I am so fucking happy to see you my brother” TJ hugged me “nigga got a whole fucking clown suit on” Barry snorted laughing “I had to look the part, I got the Burberry tie on. Man, my momma is so happy about this. I hate it” moving back from the hug and dapping Barry “well of course you ain’t going to be happy, shit was a mistake” I chuckled “is Seiko brother’s here?” not like I care “mhmm yeah, they trying to beef me up but whatever” of course “I am hungry, where the food at. There better be chicken wings” rubbing my stomach “nigga I paid half, I made sure there was. We wait on you so come. We can get some alcohol and food” nodding my head, least they waited on me. I don’t care for anyone, just my brother’s.

Licking my fingers as I placed the paper plate down, I am getting weird looks from people I don’t know “little rat, why you keep coming here?” TJ said to his sister “can I get a picture with you?” wiping my hands on my sweatpants “who?” I asked “you” she pointed “me!?” I spat half confused “can I? I want to tell my friends that I know you because you date Rihanna!” she half shouted, I chuckled “who is Rihanna? I don’t date Rihanna ma, see. The pictures you see they are photoshopped. I am single” I lied, but she doesn’t believe me. She seems more disappointed that I even lied to her, she looked down at her phone “my sister is pain bro, like she into this celebrity shit. Like live you damn life “look” she patted my lap, turning to her “oh wow, who is that woman?” she out here pulling out receipts of Robyn and I “stop lying, can I please have a picture with you. You’re super famous now” she is tripping “I am not famous, my god. It’s me Chris! I ain’t had this before with you” TJ nudged me “just do it bro so we can get rid of her” taking in a deep breath “fine, come here” waving her over “TJ take it” she passed her his phone and she openly sat in my lap, I ain’t into this picture thing “you look so annoyed, smile for me. Quick” I grinned at the camera “now go away! Leave us alone, dang” that is the weirdest shit to happen to me today.

Sitting back in my seat as TJ made his way to his baby mother, I find this hilarious to me. I know this nigga hates this, but he is putting on a front, I am so happy it wasn’t me. Chewing on my bottom, Seiko and I eyes met and she is just blatantly staring at me in a room full of people, I mean I wish she looked away, but I can tell she regrets things, she looked away as she should. Clearing my throat looking away laughing to myself “you look well Chris” looking to the side of me “I do? You look well too Kristie” moving my arm from the chair “you’re rather the celebrity in this joint, kind of knocked my best friend off her pedestal” moving my chair away from her as she sat down “I don’t bite, I mean you should know that” rubbing my hands against my sweatpants “I ain’t do shit, I come here to support my friend” there is one thing, I never fucked ugly bitches and I love that for me “likewise, she does love you and still does” I sniggered “right, and having sex with my best friend made that right” she pointed at me “you sir are a hypocrite, you fucked all her friends” shaking my head “she was right there, y’all was ok with it. She knew it was wrong from jump with TJ. She knew that” is this girl being real right now “I never liked her like that anyways, that is the point. I am happier, away from her” Kristie laughed “who wouldn’t be dating Rihanna? She is beautiful and rich, you tell me Chris did you purposely take her there to get with Rihanna?” shaking my head “I didn’t think Rihanna would even remember me like that, I love her so much and I don’t pass around that word much so you can’t say it’s like that when it’s not. Nothing to do with being rich, she is my childhood sweetheart” I don’t care, I will tell the whole world “that sent my friend a shut up letter, Seiko loves you still. I say good riddance, she says she lost but you look well. Better then I last saw you naked” she winked at me “it’s the tan” she got up from her seat “I suppose” watching her walk off, now I should have dated her between her and Seiko.

I clapped seeing that my friend is having a son, happy for him. I think if he was having a girl he would be even more depressed “are you dating Rihanna? You’re the guy she is dating” this girl pointed me out, I stopped clapping “huh, what?” I said all confused “you’re like the guy Rihanna is dating, she was in Virginia and she was at her old school, oh my god you are actually him. I follow him!” she shouted “I am just a regular dude” I put my hands up, in my defence I am “can we like take a picture with you? You are literally the sexiest light skinned nigga. I get why she would date you” I chuckled “I will pass on the photos” I walked by them “congratulations brother, a boy” dapping TJ “I am so happy, like I don’t know what I would do with a girl. Now you need to have a boy, then Barry we all going to have a day care” shaking my head laughing “you need to get Rih pregnant, on god” I shushed him “relax on that, she busy now. But I am happy for you” hugging him “thank you” I know he appreciates it “nice seeing you here” Seiko spoke to me, I stepped back keeping my distance “for TJ, I am going to see to Barry” dapping TJ walking off.

Barry is eating again “people are weird here, they all are speaking on Rihanna and I am her boyfriend. I am but the fuck. I am just a regular dude” Barry is stuffing his face “that makes you famous by affiliation now Chris, you famous” furrowing my eyebrows “that is bullshit, anyways. Kristie came up to me. Started speaking on Seiko still in love with me and shit. This is why I ran here but I think it’s my time to go” I think I do “can we talk?” Seiko is right there “about what? There is nothing to talk about” Barry stood next to me, I ain’t moving anywhere with her “did you go to her concert to get back with her, I hate myself. She was laughing at me all that time when she took you from me” taking in a deep breath “I was never yours, yes I was with you. I dated you but it really meant nothing when I always loved her, I did. I wish you let me go, take off my pictures. Move on, so you can be happier in yourself also. I came here for TJ, not to see you. I am going Barry, good luck with that” I pointed at her bump as I walked off, all I know is that I am in my city but people are acting mad weird now with this Rihanna shit and I want to run home.

[dead-decomposer]

Fuck shaving for societal conventions, all my homies hate shaving for societal conventions

[parismemes]

SENTENCE STARTERS FROM VARIOUS TRAVES VIDEOS.

“you don’t even have to give me money, just say who you want me to kill.” “*gasp* that’s swag!” “you’re not an epic gamer if you don’t use the epic gamer lingo.” “i didn’t start a threat at all!” “okay, who said that? who’s dumb?” “remember when we met 2 and a half years ago and i shook your hand awkwardly?” “what are you, fangirling?” “oh. it’s one of THOSE nights.” “you wanna start a business together?” “a drone strike? NOT AGAIN!” “i wanna meet obama, make it happen.” “i spent a bunch of money at a fucking panera bread earlier and i’ll never go there again.” “oh, uh. i found a dead body.” “as soon as my beard touches my toes i have to shave it.” “this horse is terrible!” “you’re an ounce?” “i shit downwards too.” “i’ll have you know my demographic is under 12.” “YOU CAN FACETIME SNAPCHAT?” “if you see an albino and it’s snowing outside how can you tell you’ve seen an albino?” “you can tell it’s a person ‘cause of the way it is.” “oh no, i’m getting money, i’m gonna complain about it.” “can you say uwu?” “ahoy spongebob me boy, i’ve committed arson and now i’m serving 10 year jail sentence.” “all aboard the steve buscemi train.” “wait, how do you spell giraffe?” “i’ve snorted an entire suitcase of ketamine, i’m going to fucking die.” “not to be racist but fuck squidward tentacles.” “yeah bro, what IS a tiddy?” “i just want a book. one book. please?” “i need to start some sort of a fucking revolution or shit. something epic.” “i want you to go get rid of the rest of your financial assets, because i hate you.” “that’s you putting a middle finger in my ass!” “this world we live in is made up of demons.” “i’m being dunked on by a 15 year old!” “if we die at all, we’re gone.” “do something funny, jester.” “UH OH! UH OH! UH OH! UH OH! UH OH! UH OH!” “HIT ME IN THE BACK WITH THE AXE!” “there’s a huge peepee and ball on mario.” “wait, i actually have the GENIUS idea.” “just give me your village, i’m taking it.” “i don’t want you guys to shenanigize my house.” “i’m about to go to my house and scream very loudly.” “i just clenched my butt.” “that’s dirt. that’s not a chicken.” “THERE’S CHICKENS ALL OVER THE PLACE, MAN!” “get your bones! they’re gonna evaporate!” “you are stuck between a rock and a hard cock right now, dude.” “the other thought was to use the bouncy castle to illegally obtain cash.” “this guy is so smart. this guy is on another level.” “alright boys. mystery meat part 2.” “don’t kill the turtle!” “who’s gonna get his remains?” “i don’t think critical thinking is the strong suit.” “i’m just giving away money now, i’m like jeff amazon.” “i’ll kill the bird for five dollars.” “i feel like you should turn off your computer, it’s bedtime.” “WE WERE SO CLOSE!” “this is the saddest thing that’s ever happened to me.” “doesn’t sound wholesome.” “i’m completely fine with going to court for this.” “you are a part of the boys, as they say.” “is this like a bruh moment?” “this isn’t even about the bird.” “tell me what your relationship was with this bird.” “did you or did you not kidnap the bird?” “you’re a lil shit, huh?” “they call me salad because i be dressin’.” “they call me dressin’ because i’m.. yum.” “there’s not gonna be a cars 4.” “i fuckin’ love cars.” “so i got this new keyboard, and then a month and a half later i spill this sticky drink on it.. and i was like aw, sick! and then it got sticky and then a few days later it dried but the keys were like super hard to press and then i ran hot water over the keyboard and ran it under the faucet and now the keys aren’t hard to press anymore.” “it’s crazy how you guys are blinking manually now.” “wanna listen to me hydrate?” “that’s actually kinda yucky.” “i’m a shit boy, i eat boxes.” “i absolutely folded like an armchair when you said that.” “should i fall asleep in discord with the homies?” “i’ll just play some eating ASMR so you can relax.” “i’ve never even seen alcohol in my LIFE. i’m a pisces.” “i don’t have a tumor! i don’t need tumor removal surgery! don’t say these things about me!” “my hair smells like wood.” “i dunno what that banana meant, but i’m kinda scared.” “you wanna hear a door joke? knock knock.” “a dolphin walked into the bars. tide.” “my mom just asked me why the shampoo was in the kitchen sink.” “i’m gonna shave your head while you sleep if you try and do that shit.” “would you wanna wash your hair over the dining table?” “you can’t just say it’s not gross!” “do you pee in that sink too?” “ahaaa don’t kill yourself you’re beautiful ahaaaaa.” “you are just LEAF!”

[yumenosakiacademy]

what sucks abt being a girl [specifically afab]:

fuck periods all my homies hate periods 

^^^ periods include cramps, mood swings, depression, bloating, getting blood on clothes, everything bad ever.

constantly sexualized

have to be extra careful when talking to men or even doing Anything rly

girls sometimes hav a harder time at jobs n stuff. not bc theyre not qualified n stuff or r worse no i mean they just more shit than they should. whether it b their work being placed metaphorically under a guy’s or at-work harassment from male coworkers.

speaking of harassment! yea!! groping n creepshots n tasteless jokes- everything in the book. also wolfwhistling. in this house we cut the lips off of wolf-whistlers. keep it in ur shorts, manwhore. no woman appreciates ur lil whistle so lock it n put that key not in ur pocket, but up ur ass. fuck off.

paranoia abt being kidnapped n raped if u go out at night.

will either b seen as a prude or a whore half the time

u hav to b pretty usually or u get shit for it.

a lot of men will treat u like shit either subtly or Outright. a lot of ppl will hate things u do just bc ur a girl. there’s a lot of issues w misogyny n other small isues pertaining to it but oh u kno)

boobs mean u Have to wear a bra. rip to every1 w sensory issues or who just dont like bras.

boobs also mean running gets difficult if theyre big.

big boobs also mean ur back can hurt

u hav to pay for bras n period products while amabs don’t. it’s bullshit. rip to our money. also sry to the folks w big enough tits that they need 2 buy even more expensive bras im so sry.

some boobs can make some shirts look weird. esp if ur wearing a white top. this Amplifies if ur some1 who doesnt like to wear a bra when in a casual setting.

if u hav small tits, u can b mocked. if ur tits r too big, they can cause problems. medium tits also cause slight inconveniences. nobody wins.

a dick seems like it’d b p cool. it’s literally just Clit 2.0 n any of us w knowledge abt vags Whatsoever knows that clits r where it’s At. vags hav their perks tho. free lube, babey.

will always be asked by ur parents n those around u to hav kids even if u don’t want to. ur expected to become a mother n give ur family grandkids n deal w the pain of pregnancy stuff.

u can’t b shirtless bc ur boobs r sexy or some shit. ur “hot”~? tough luck. ur in the house w ur family n not even in public? boo hoo. oh but it’s fine if some guy w moobs almost as big as a fucking B cup wears no shirt bc they’re not ~*tits*~ so he gets a freebie. any shirtless guy is fine but if u take off ur shirt that’s public indecency n also ur a Whore. /s

u hav to shave everything (legs n pits n arms n whatever else) bc if u dont ur “unhygenic” n “gross” n u get called stuff like jungle legs or tarzan but when men do it it’s completely fine n it’s not unhygenic in the least. not an eyelash batted at their hairyass fucking bodies.

natural acidity can wear down the lower area of ur panties. not cool bro. Why.

[agnesandhilda]

fuck the expectation for women to shave me and my homies all hate the expectation that women should shave

[purplesurveys]

482

How many...

How many times have you skipped class? Too many. I only started doing it in college but since then I’ve done it a lot. The class I skipped the most would probably be chemistry or psychology lmao. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? I’ve been with her for technically five years so that number’s going to be huge. How many years have you known your second closest friend? I’ve been familiar with her for 17 years, but I’ve been friends with her for only seven. How many alarm clocks are in the house? Technically, four. All our phones have alarms but we don’t have actual alarm clocks. How many people have you argued with? Your questions ask stuff that are very difficult to count lmao. I can be a bit of a war freak so I’m guessing the number’s also risen to be a lot.

How many times have you watched your favortie movie? Probably in the 80s-100s range. There was a time I watched Two for the Road every day for several months, and I still watch it several times a year. How many people do you live with? I live with my family. With my dad working abroad, sometimes I’ll live with four people but most times I live with three. How many pairs of boots do you own? None. It’s too hot to wear boots. How many people have told you they're in love with you? Just one. How many times have you cried over the opposite sex? Maybe twice, and not because of romantic reasons. The first was because my grandfather died; the second time was when my dad dropped the bomb on me that he wouldn’t be able to watch my high school graduation. How many people have been in your house at one time? .......Huh? How many stuffed animals are in your room? None. I was never a fan. How many cellphones have you went through? Eight. How many pets do you have? I have a dog, but I’ve had several other pets in the past.

What would you do if...

What would you do if you could never listen to music again? I think I’ll be alright for the most part since I don’t rely on music as much as others do, but I’ll definitely grow restless at some point, especially if I have to drive in silence. What would you do if your current bf/gf cheated on you? I’d imagine wanting a few days or weeks to myself to think about what was just done to me and using that time to take care of myself and see my other friends. I don’t actually know what to do following that; I just never entertain that thought so I never think of it lmao. What would you do if you could never wear jeans again? Be so fucking stoked. I hate jeans. What would you do if your dad became president? Teach him about key political and social issues...and maybe be glad that he doesn’t have to work abroad now. What would you do if you lost your most important possesion? That would be my dog. I would be broken; I’ve never lost a dog before. What would you do if your house burned down? Grab my dog, put my phone and laptop in a bag, and jump off my room’s window. What would you do if your best friend didn't want to be friends anymore? I’d be really confused and hurt. I would probably talk to Hans to get to the bottom of it. What would you do if you had to move to a different state/province? Asked to be left behind. I’m not gonna have my relationship that I’ve worked so hard on adjust to my family’s (very) delayed migration-ish plans if this happens.   What would you do if someone shaved your head? Hope I get paid for it, lmao. What would you do if Jesus came to your front door? I work with a Jesus. I’d invite him in, get him a light snack, and ask him why he visited. I don’t recognize any other Jesuses. What would you do if your house was robbed? Scream at the top of my lungs. What would you do if your sister/brother got married? Well first I’d be envious that they went first, but I’d otherwise be excited that I get to go to a party hahaha What would you do if dogs became extinct? Hate humanity forever. What would you do if the last person you kissed proposed to you? Think she’s insane, and I’ll have to turn it down. I’m sure she doesn’t want it this early too.

Have you ever...

Have you ever broke a body part? I’ve sprained an ankle, but other than that no. Have you ever broke someone else's body part? Oh gosh that’s terrible. I don’t think so. Have you ever changed for a guy/girl? Only if I knew it was for my betterment to change. Tried to jump on a celebrity but been stopped by the security guards? Uh no, but a little close. I was exiting a mall at the same time Greyson Chance walked in, and my system just shut down and did the first thing it thought of: get my phone out and start taking photos. He was like, 2 feet away at this point so his bodyguards kinda told me to get out of the way, which I deserved. To this day I still don’t understand why I did something as stupidly fangirly as that, and I can’t even name one of his songs. Have you ever complained about the last person you spoke to? Never. Kate’s my homie. Have you ever cried on your mom's shoulder? No. We’re not close like that, and it’s more than likely that she’d just tell me to pray if I ever decide to confide in her. Have you ever dialed 911 as a prank? I haven’t. Have you ever won a talent show? No. I’ve won a quiz bee though, haha. Have you ever spilled a drink on a expensive electronic item and ruined it? No. I didn’t spill a drink, but I did let my old iPhone 5S be soaked when I was walking under the rain once without an umbrella. I just kinda thought my phone would be durable enough to resist the raindrops, but that was the start of the end for it.   Have you ever fainted when someone told you shocking news? No. I’ve only fainted from hunger + heat. Have you ever swooned over the Jonas Brothers? Yes, when I was 10. Have you ever bought a piece of makeup that cost over $100? No and I don’t think I would ever do that. Have you ever been cheated on by someone who claimed to love you? I’ve never been cheated on. Have you ever got food free because the waiter thought you were hot? No.

Do you...

Do you have someone who will always be there for you? I’d like to think so. My best friends are my ride or dies. My Daydrinkers group (that’s what we call ourselves because we used to go to this local bar in the early afternoon) are also trustworthy. Do you have a membership at a gym? Nah, I’m too lazy to go to the gym. Do you act dumb to get guys/girls to like you? No...does that still even work these days? Do you know anyone who smokes a pack of cigarettes a day? No. And if I did I would stay away from them. Do you follow the rules? Most of the time. I don’t enjoy getting reprimanded :/ Do you have a friend who secretly really annoys you? No. I wouldn’t count them as a friend if they did annoy me. Do you always have Pepsi at your house? Nope. Only our parents drink softdrinks and they’re not always at home, so we seldom have soda around the house. Do you flirt with anything that moves? ??? No ??? Do you watch SpongeBob? Still do, yep. I just watched it yesterday. The comedy of the older episodes is timeless. Do you count sheep when you can't sleep? No. I tried to do that as a kid since it’s what I saw in cartoons and in a Mr. Bean episode but it never worked. Do you sweat easily? No. I sweat slower than most people. Do you like pineapple? I hate it. Do you refuse to wear something that's out of style? Typically, yes. Do you type 'u' or 'you'? Depends. I’ll type depending on who I’m talking to and my mood.

What is...

What is your best friend's name?Gabie. Or Angela. I have two best friends.What is your first girlfriend/boyfriend's name?Gabie.What is your neighbour's name?I never talk to the neighbors and have no idea who any of them are.What is your least favorite swear word?Cunt.What is the best and most romantic way to propose to someone?I don’t think there’s a singular best way to propose. That differs for everyone.What is something that always makes you laugh?FRIENDSWhat is the name of your hometown?Sampaloc, Manila.What is the most gentle way to turn someone down?I guess just be straightforward about it? I wouldn’t like to be put under mind games or mixed signals if I was the one being turned down.What is the ugliest girl name?I don’t think there’s an ugly girl name, just ones I’m not fond of. I don’t really like old-fashioned ones like Barbara, Linda, and Gertrude.What is the most boring thing to do?Waiting.What is the funnest kind of question to answer?If you’re talking about surveys, questions about my day or my experiences are always nice to answer.What is the most useless thing you know?I wouldn’t call it useless but I can recognize flags and the capital cities of a number of countries. I collected Kids’ Almanacs every year growing up and they always had a section on geography so that’s why I got to memorize those trivia.What is your favorite pair of pants?My white Mango ones, because they’re super stylish and can be casual or smart casual depending on what I pair it with.What is the best flavour of ice cream?Cookies and cream is my favorite flavor.