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yuckitup-jwd · 5 years ago

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Fulldeckisms Part 3

One shot short of a chain. (Shot is a section of anchor chain.)

One shot short of a locker. (Shot is ammunition; a locker iswhere it's stored.)

One shrimp short of a barbie.

One side short of a pentagon.

One signature short of a book.

One slate short of a full roof.

One sleeve/button short of a shirt.

One snowflake short of a ski slope.

One sock short of a pair.

One song short of a musical.

One span short of a bridge.

One spoon short of a full set.

One steering wheel / bolt short of a Yugo.

One step short of the attic.

One stick short of a bundle.

One straw short of a bale.

One strawberry short of a quart.

One strike past being called out.

One sub short of a party platter.

One taco/enchilada/chalupa short of a combination/Mexican plate.

One teabag short of a pot.

One tilde short of a full URL.

One tile missing from his space shuttle.

One tile short of a successful re-entry.

One too many lights out in his Christmas tree.

One too many rides on the Zipper.

One tower short of a castle.

One tree short of a hammock.

One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)

One volt below threshold.

One weight short of a shipwreck.

One word short of a.

One yard short of the hole.

Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

Only one oar in the water.

Only opens his mouth to change feet.

Only playing with 51 cards.

Only playing with the jokers.

Operating in stand-by mode.

Organizationally impaired.

Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.

Out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

Out there where the buses don't run.

Outlet isn't grounded.

Over the rainbow.

Overdue for reincarnation.

Overruns above 110 baud.

Paged/swapped out.

Parallel mind, serial world.

Parallel world, serial mind.

Paralyzed from the neck up.

Parents beat him with an ugly stick.

Parked his head and forgot where he left it.

Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.

People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.

Perfect chassis, bad driver.

Perfect face for Halloween.

Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh...)

Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.

Permanently out to lunch.

Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.

Phototrophic on a better day.

Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.

Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.

Playing baseball with a rubber bat.

Playing hockey with a warped puck.

Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.

Plays pinochle with a poker deck.

Plays solitaire... For cash.

Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.

Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons.

Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.

Posts empty articles to the Net, and enjoys rereading them later.

Prefers three left turns to one right turn.

Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.

Pretty as 20 miles of bad road.

Produces a zero-length core dump.

Programmed into an infinite loop.

Proud of his lawn mower.

Psycho pneumatic. (Crazy air head.)

Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.

Put on Earth to be an oxygen converter.

Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.

Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be likeputting a pea on a six lane highway.

Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts orless. -- MacNelly

Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her oneline of wisdom in the middle.

Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.

Radio's playing but nobody's listening.

Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.

Reads her newspaper back-to-front.

Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.

Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.

Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.

Receiver is off the hook.

Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.

Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.

Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy.

Requires retraining after every coffee break.

Reset line is glitching.

Result of a first cousin marriage.

Result of God's experiments to see if humans can functionwithout a brain.

Room for rent, unfurnished.

Roving target for a surface-to-idiot missile.

RS232C brain with a DIN connector.

Running at 300 baud.

Running lights are on but no one's at the helm.

Running on a 286.

Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)

Running U.S. appliances on British current.

Runs squares around the competition.

Rusty springs in the mousetrap.

S p a c e d o u t .

Sailboat fuel for brains.

Sailing with a short seabag / a few skivvies short of a seabag.(Contains all of a sailor's possessions including underwear.)

Sat under the ozone hole too long.

Says profound things but no one listens and no harm is done.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.

Serving donuts on another planet.

Settled some during shipping and handling.

Seven cans short of a six-pack.

Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.

Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.

Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.

She believes the three great lies.

She can piss standing up, but not much else.

She doesn't suffer from insanity; she enjoys every minute of it.

She fears success, but really has nothing to worry about. -- Thaves

She has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

She looks virtually real today.

She only packed half a sandwich.

She only schedules zombie processes.

She put the ding in dingbat.

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B. -- Dorothy Parker

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails them.

She sounds reasonable... Must be time to up my medication.

She stopped to think and forgot to start again.

She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.

She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.

She'll be just fine as soon as virtual reality arrives.

She's a screensaver. (Looks good, but useless.)

She's all thumbs.

She's as daft as a brush. (British)

She's running real fast, but toward the wrong goal line.

Shedding a little too much black light.

Short a few cards.

Short-circuited between the earphones.

Should be the poster child for family planning.

Should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better.

Should have kept his helmet on while riding/playing.

Shouldn't be allowed to breed.

Shouldn't eat nuts -- for her, it's practically cannibalism.

Single-sided, low density.

Sings along with elevator music.

Sinking with a deck full of people; her brain cells can'tfind the lifeboats.

Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.

Six-packed seven times. (Volleyball slang: "Six-pack" is tospike someone in the head with a volleyball.)

Skating on the wrong side of the ice.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.

Slinky's kinked.

Sloppy as a soup sandwich.

Slow as molasses in January.

Slow out of the gate.

Slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Smarter than the average bear.

Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.

So boring, his dreams have Muzak.

So clueless, he could BE God and still be an atheist.

So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.

So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.

So dumb, he faxes face up.

So dumb, he puts postage stamps on outgoing faxes.

So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.

So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.

So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.

So slow, he has to speed up to stop.

So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.

So stupid, he tries to drown fish.

So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.

So stupid, she doesn't go further than Thursday.

So thick, he sticks to pasta.

So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.

Sold his car for gas money.

Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.

Some Assembly Required.

Some bugs in his software.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

Some of her inodes have nodded off.

Some pages missing.

Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.

Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.

Someday when she's younger, she'll ________.

Someone blew out his pilot light.

Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.

Someone forgot to plant the seed for his brain stem.

Someone let the air out of her lock.

Someone Reverend Spooner would have identified as a shining wit.

Sort of like an inverse Einstein.

Source code is missing a few lines.

Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.

Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.

Stares at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".

Still boots to DOS.

Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.

Still struggling up the evolutionary ladder.

Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".

Still trying to figure out opposable thumbs.

Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)

Strolling through life with one shoelace untied.

Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2.(A WWII era Russian tank.)

Stuck on the down escalator of life.

Studied for a blood test -- and failed.

Stumped by anything child-proof.

Subtle as a well-thrown brick.

Subtle as a wet tongue in the ear / kiss from a cow.

Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.

Suffers from excessive headspace.

Suffers from link rot. (The process by which hypertext linksbecome obsolete as their sites change or die.)

Suffers from Paralysis by Analysis.

Suffers from permanent rapture of the deep. (Nitrogen narcosis.)

Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Surfing the Web with a hard-copy terminal. (Does anyoneremember those?)

Suspend switch is jumpered.

Swimming on a cold shot. (Inadequate ejection force for a torpedo.)

Switch is on, but no one's receiving.

Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".

Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.

Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being draggedaround the block by it.

Talking with her is a career-limiting move.

Talking with him is a waste of good bandwidth.

Talks to plants on their own level.

Tall as a post and just as smart.

Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin

Ten to the dozen.

The aliens forget to remove his anal probe.

The bark on her family tree actually involves canines.

The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason

The butter slipped off his noodle.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.

The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.

The fire is going well, but the flue is closed.

The going got weird, and he turned pro.

The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.

The march of his intellect is like that of a crab, backward.-- Peacock

The most rock-hard argument can crash through his airy head andcause only the slightest disturbance in the air currentsthat surround the void that comprises his knowledge.

The only place she's ever invited is outside.

The perfect personality to write software manuals.

The recesses of his mind are always in recess.

The result of years of careful inbreeding.

The sharpest thing he's allowed to play with is a red rubber ball.

The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.

The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.

The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.

The two put together have an IQ over 150.

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.

The world's foremost collector of ignorance.

Their family tree is a tumbleweed.

There are great people in the world, but she's not one of them.

There she sits, Finite State Automation at its best.

There's no ice cubes in THAT tray. -- Second City comedy troupe

There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured witha little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen

They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.

They must have done a clean boot on him.

They never shut up on his planet.

Thick as a brick / whale omelette.

Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.

Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship.

Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.

Thinks at 5 baud.

Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.

Thinks Cheerios are doughnut seeds.

Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.

Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.

thinks in lower case & types accordingly

Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.

Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.

Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.

Thinks Taco Bell is where you pay for your phone calls to Mexico.

Thirteen short of a dozen.

Three sigma off the norm.

Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.)

Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting.(I resemble that remark. -- editor)

Tight / waterproof as a fish's sphincter.

Tight as a bull's arse in fly season.

To make him laugh on Saturday, tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Tone arm is down but no music is playing.

Too dumb to be bothered when publicly displaying her ignorance.

Too dumb to know when you're getting smart / playing dumb with him.

Too many bad drugs, not enough good drugs.

Too many birds on her antenna.

Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.

Too many stop bits in his transmissions.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.

Top paddock is full of rocks.

Toys in the attic.

Train of thought derailed / still boarding at thestation / has no caboose.

Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.

Traveling without a passport/towel.

Tried welding two 2x4s together and burned down his house.

Tries to forward this list to some friends, but instead shipssix copies of it to the editor (groan).

Trips over cordless phones.

Truck can't haul a full load.

Truly believes "neural network" is a new Ted Turner enterprise.

Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.

Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.

Two bits short of a word/dollar.

Two degrees off square.

Two inches taller than spherical.

Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.

Uglier than a hat full of assholes. (Whatever that means.)

Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.

Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.

Understands English as well as any parrot.

Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Useful as dinosaur repellent.

Useful as passing gas in a spacesuit.

Useful as piss on a forest fire.

Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.

Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.

Uses AOL.

Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.

Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.

Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator.

Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.

Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.

Vacancy on the top floor.

Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting. (Not pickingup anything.)

Vaginally challenged, and preoccupied with the problem.

Validates my inherent mistrust of strangers.

Vegitatum davenportae. (Couch potato.)

Vertically-fornicated mind.

Views mold as a higher life form.

Vowel-buyer. (As on the TV show Wheel of Fortune, when thesolution is already obvious.)

Waiting on a toaster that's not plugged in.

Warning: Objects in her mirror are dumber than they appear.

Warranty expired.

Was assimilated by the Borg.

Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.

Was born when the planets were misaligned.

Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.

Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.

Wasn't fully debugged before being released.

Wasn't strapped in during launch.

Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.

Watching programs not listed in TV Guide.

We're all missing cards from our decks -- and different cards, too.

We're all refreshed and challenged by her unique point of view.

Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.

Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled.

Whatever kind of look she was going for, she missed.

When a thought crosses her mind, it's a long and lonely journey.

When God said, "Come forth for brains," he came fifth.

When he collects his thoughts, they fit in a verysmall container. -- Bob Thaves

When he was compiled they forgot to #include<smarts.h>/<iq.h>/<charm.h>.

When her window of opportunity opened, she had the shade drawn.

When opportunity knocked, she refused to open the door.

When she dances, she makes the band skip.

When she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

When she puts on her lipstick, it keeps backing down the tube.-- Kevin Wilson

When she was born the doctor tried to kill her / slapped her mother.

When they handed out brains he got the short end of the stick / wasat the end of the line.

When they said "drain", he thought they said "brain".

Where it says, "Sign here", she writes, "Pisces".

While he was not dumber than an ox, he wasn't any smarter. -- Thurber

Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'.

Will never get a ticket for speeding.

Wise as the world is flat.

With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.

Won't eat eggs because he believes the "This is your brain" ads.

Works well when under constant supervision and corneredlike a rat in a trap.

Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.

Would need help to drool.

Would starve to death in a grocery store.

Wouldn't know a tram was up him if the conductor rang hisbell. (Australian)

Wouldn't know ore if it jumped out of the stope and bithim on the ass. (Said of mineral prospectors.)

Wouldn't make any sense if she ever made sense.

Wouldn't recognize a clue if he saw one / you showed himone (labelled "clue").

Wouldn't shout if a shark bit him. (Australianism meaning hewon't buy a round of drinks (shout) in turn.)

You can hardly tell that he's a simulation.

Zero K memory.

#fulldeckisms #nerdjokes #personalityjokes

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yuckitup-jwd · 5 years ago

Text

Fulldekisms Part 2

He writes blank checks on a closed account.

He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession.

He'll eventually qualify as a Darwin Award winner.

He's a General Protection Fault trigger.

He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier.

He's as soppy as a sack. (British)

He's been invited to every party in town... Once.

He's completely West Ham. (Two stops short of Barking on theLondon Underground.)

He's diagnosable.

He's in a federal witless protection program.

He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

He's really into himself... His head is up his ass.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head.

Hears everything that a dog can.

Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards.

Her access time approaches infinity.

Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.

Her ass is sucking swamp gas.

Her blender doesn't go past "mix".

Her body is rejecting her.

Her brain cells are as hard to isolate as <your favoritepolitician's> concern for his/her electorate.

Her brain comes with single-bit error detection and half-assederror correction.

Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to runfsck on her brain.

Her brain is as useless as a mule's gonads.

Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.

Her cache is incoherent.

Her career is just taking off -- she's never at work.

Her closet is full of hangars, but no clothing.

Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.

Her dialing thumb must be broken.

Her display is always flashing 12:00.

Her driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.

Her face is a threat to clocks everywhere.

Her files are compressed 100%.

Her finals are burned out.

Her friends took her aside, and left her there. -- Ron Richards

Her gene pool could use a little chlorine / a good filter.

Her head doesn't cast a shadow.

Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.

Her input pipe is broken.

Her interrupt handler hit a loop.

Her IQ is the reason they had to invent negative/imaginary numbers.

Her kid is an honor student, but she's still an idiot.

Her leads need resoldering.

Her learning curve is fractal.

Her lint trap is full.

Her lists are unlinked.

Her memory is truly random-access.

Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.

Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.

Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.

Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.

Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.

Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.

Her objects are not fully oriented.

Her only hope for brainpower is vacuum point energy.

Her personal problems can only be solved using high explosives.

Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.

Her pool balls don't fit into the rack.

Her positronic matrix won't reboot.

Her purpose in life is to balance out the bell curve.

Her random access is the same as her sequential access.

Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.

Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.

Her stack has been corrupted.

Her synapses are about |that| far apart.

Her system file has zero bytes.

Her tires are a little low.

Her wheels are turning but she's upside down. -- U2

Her wipers don't touch the glass.

Her word length is zero bits.

Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.

High relative humidity... He's lost in a fog.

His access light's on, but the drive isn't spinning / isstill spinning up.

His accumulator overflows at zero.

His actual mileage varies.

His antenna/radio doesn't pick up all the channels/stations.

His boot block is in a bad sector.

His boot ROM has a bad checksum.

His brackets are mismatched.

His brain could be the perfect dielectric.

His brain is sueing for neglect.

His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.

His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel.

His bread ain't done.

His buffer is full.

His clutch is slipping.

His data bus stops for red lights.

His deck has no face cards.

His elevator is stuck between floors.

His face is on a coin... On the edge.

His family tree is a telephone pole.

His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.

His freelist is empty.

His future is behind schedule. -- Bob Thaves

His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct.

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams

His grades were so bad, after school he couldn't even getinto prison. -- Shannon Sharpe

His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter.

His head whistles in a cross wind.

His home page is out of order.

His home planet is flat.

His IQ test results were negative / IQ is a false positive.

His jack can't get the car off the ground.

His military nomenclature is ID-10-T (idiot).

His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.

His mind is great at error magnification.

His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.

His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime. -- Allision

His mind is write-protected/write-only.

His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.

His mind wandered and never came back.

His motto is: Space, the final frontier.

His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.

His only hope for sexual variety is vegetables / to change hands.

His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."

His page was intentionally left blank.

His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".

His pointers are null/uninitialized.

His puzzle is missing a few pieces.

His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves

His root file system isn't mounted.

His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.

His shared libraries aren't installed.

His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.

His signature is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the bestpart of his postings.

His spark can't jump the gap.

His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.

His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.

His strings aren't null-terminated.

His strip is demagnetized.

His system administrator is never in.

His train tracks aren't quite parallel.

His URL denies outside access.

His watch dog is sleeping.

His Wheaties have been in the milk too long.

His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.

His wits have left the rails and are careening about the countryside.

His X, Y, and Z axes don't meet at the origin.

Hitler's evil twin.

Holds a grudge until it dies of old age, then has it stuffed andmounted. -- David Weber

Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.

Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken.

I like him; he reminds me of when I was young and stupid.

I would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire.

I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what hethinks he's worth.

I've worn dresses with higher IQs than his.

If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.

If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough for an M&M.

If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow hernose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.

If brains were farts, he couldn't stink up the inside of a matchbox.

If brains were gasoline, he couldn't ride a moped around a fruit loop.

If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup.

If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.

If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.

If dumb were dirt, he'd be an acre.

If fashion law is ever enforced, he'll be found guilty withouthope of parole.

If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.

If he didn't exist, he wouldn't be worth inventing.

If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.

If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universewill come true.

If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize.

If he had another brain (cell), it would be lonely.

If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.

If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.

If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided.

If he were an Indian, Custer would be alive today / would havedied of old age.

If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.

If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.

If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.

If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.

If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.

If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously.

If men were dominoes, he would be the double-blank. -- P.G. Wodehouse

If not for his scrotum, he would lose his balls.

If sex appeal were dynamite, he couldn't blow the cobwebsoff his balls.

If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.

If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.

If stupidity hurt, he'd go through life on a morphine drip.

If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.

If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.

If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.

If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.

If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

If wit were shit, he'd be constipated.

If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

Ignorant, and proud of it.

Immune from any serious head injury.

Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.

In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.

In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and deathstruggle with mushrooms.

In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".

In line for brains, thought they said trains, and asked for onewith lots of steam / said his dad just bought him one.

In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes,and he asked for "extra thick."

In need of a ROM upgrade.

In serious need of attitude adjustment.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little fartherapart than most.

In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.

In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.

Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns.

Infinite space between her ears.

Informationally deprived.

Inhabits her own private timezone.

Inspected by #13.

Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

Intellectually/synaptically challenged.

Intelligence somewhere between a pet rock and egg white.

Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.

Invented a submarine with a screen door.

IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.

IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.

It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.

Just another flash in the bedpan.

Just asleep, but others worry that he's dead.

Keeps his imagination on a long leash.

Kept an open mind -- and his brains fell out.

Keywords: generalizations clue get

Knitting with only one needle.

Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.

Landed with his gear/brain up and locked.

Leaky sunroof.

Left hand threaded.

Left his booster on the launch pad.

Left the store without all of his groceries.

Leveled off before reaching altitude.

Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.

Lightbulb over his head is burned out.

Lights / porch lights are on but nobody's home.

Lights not burning too bright.

Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top.

Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.

Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.

Likes dunking for french fries.

Likes to execute his data.

Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend /jumped the track.

Lives in La-la-land.

Lives in the same world, but a different universe.

Lives just up the street from the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.

Living proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit tohuman stupidity.

Living proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Living proof that God did die back in the 60s.

Living proof that God has a sense of humor.

Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.

Living proof that there's ALWAYS someone worse off than you.

Long on drywall, short on studs.

Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.

Looks for the "Any" key.

Looks just like Bill Gates.

Loose chip on the microprocessor board.

Loose wire to his headset/ringer.

Lost his marbles.

Lots of silverware on his table, but no plates.

Loves a good insult, but can never remember any.

Low on thinking gas.

Low-bandwidth as an information source.

Luckily these types kill themselves before reproducing... Thinkof it as evolution in action. -- Larry Niven

Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.

Made a career out of mid-life crisis.

Mainspring's wound too tight.

Makes a black hole look bright.

Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.

Meandering to a different drummer.

Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.

Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.

Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.

Metronome needs oil.

Might look like he's doing nothing, but at the cellular levelhe's really quite busy.

Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.

Mind like a steel sieve.

Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice /nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut / someday it willsnap shut and swallow his face.

Missed her last four scheduled tune-ups.

Missed the last train to Clue Junction. -- Rev Billy Wirtz

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.

Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.

Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.

Mooring lines don't reach the dock.

More armpits than brain cells.

More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.

Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.

Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.

Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.

Nearly lives up to her full potential as a dumb blond.

Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.

Needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.

Needs a checkup from the neck up.

Needs a little remedial evolution.

Needs a stepladder to pick his nose.

Needs an operating manual for a screwdriver.

Needs another brain to make half-wit.

Needs both hands to wipe his behind.

Needs front end alignment.

Needs his disk checked/reformatted.

Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so theycan be tied in the back.

Neither left-brained nor right-brained. -- Bob Thaves

Nervous as a long-tailed bobcat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Network constantly loses packets.

Neurons are firing non-sequentially.

Never finishes a thoug

Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't existin a vacuum.

Never misses an episode of her screensaver.

Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson

Nice color but not enough wattage.

Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.

Nine pence in the shilling.

Nine rooms; no furniture.

Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.

No bubble in his gauge. (Refers to a submarine dive gauge.)

No charge in her synapses.

No coins in the old fountain.

No filter in the coffeemaker.

No grain in the silo.

No hands on the rudder/yoke.

No hay in the loft.

No one at the throttle.

No ROM basic.

No salt in his socks. (Land-lubber or green sailor.)

No tar in his hemp. (Tar preserves a hemp (marijuana) line; thisphrase means one has been smoking his rope.)

No wind in her mind's windmills.

Not all his dogs are barking.

Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.

Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.

Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.

Not done evolving yet.

Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.

Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.

Not enough bullets for Russian Roulette.

Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.

Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.

Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.)

Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.

Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.

Not hard-docked.

Not inflated to 90 PSI / head is stamped "inflate to 40 PSI".

Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)

Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.

Not only rude, but ugly too.

Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).

Not ready for prime time.

Not running on full thrusters.

Not shooting pool on a level table.

Not so much of a has-been, as a won't-be.

Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor /crayon in the box.

Not the full quid.

Not the hottest burner on the stovetop.

Not the same since they took him off his medication.

Not the sharpest knife/spoon in the drawer / tool in the shed /nail in the box / quill on the porcupine.

Not Turing equivalent.

Not within a bull's roar. (A term used by lawn bowlers.)

Not worth henshit on a pump handle.

Not worth pissin' on.

Not wrapped too tight.

Nothing between the stethoscopes.

Nothing on her radar.

Numb as a post / pounded thumb.

Number 'n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)

Nutty as a fruitcake.

Of all the things he's lost, he misses his mind the most.

Off by one.

Off his rocker/trolley.

Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.

On permanent/unexcused leave of absence from his senses.

On the batting end of a no-hitter.

One anna short of a rupee.

One bead short in her rosary.

One bean short of chili.

One bean shy of full strength.

One beer short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.

One bird short of a flock.

One bit short of a byte/word.

One blade short of a sharp edge. -- Nanci Griffith

One block short of a filesystem.

One board short of a porch.

One bomb/melon short of a full load.

One boot stuck in the sand.

One bottom short of a bucket.

One brick short of a wall/hod/load/pile.

One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.

One bun/donut short of a dozen.

One byte short of a checksum.

One byte short of a full 256K SIMM.

One car short of a chase scene.

One card/marble short of a full deck.

One chapter short of a novel.

One chicken short of a henhouse.

One chip short of a cookie.

One chip short of a megabyte.

One citation short of a footnote.

One clearance short of landing/take off.

One clown short of a circus.

One clue short of a solution.

One cold solder joint.

One color short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)

One color short of color-coordinated.

One couplet short of a sonnet.

One course short of a degree. (As in: "I've got a degree inhome economics, but I was only one course short of adegree in advanced nuclear physics.")

One crayon short of a full box.

One crouton short of a salad.

One cup and saucer short of a place setting.

One cylinder short of a full re-format.

One diamond short of a ring.

One dimension short of reality.

One doughnut short of being a cop.

One drool bib short of neat and tidy.

One drop short of an empty bladder.

One ear short of a bushel.

One electron shy of a full shell / noble gas arrangement.

One feather short of a whole duck.

One fish short of a string.

One floor below the poopdeck.

One flower short of an arrangement.

One flying buttress short of a cathedral.

One foot in the future, one foot in the past, pissing on the present.

One french fry / hamburger short of a Happy Meal.

One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.

One fruit short of a basket.

One gene short of a full chromosome.

One goose short of a gaggle.

One grape short of a bunch.

One guppy short of an aquarium.

One handle short of a suitcase.

One harmonic short of a tubular bell.

One hot pepper short of an enchilada.

One inch short of a foot/yard.

One inspection short of passing.

One kangaroo short in her top paddock.

One kernel short of an ear.

One key short of a piano.

One kopek short of a ruble.

One link short of a chain.

One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.

One measure short of a staff.

One miracle short of being where he thinks he's at.

One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.

One monkey short of a full hundred.

One node short of a network.

One nut short of a full pouch.

One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.

One open splice.

One pancake short of a stack.

One pane short of a window.

One pea short of a pod/casserole.

One peak short of a chromatogram.

One pearl short of a necklace.

One pickle short of a jar.

One pie short of a holiday.

One plane short of an Air Force / hangar.

One point short of a polygon.

One prayer short of absolution.

One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)

One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.

One quark short of a hadron.

One republic short of an empire.

One revision behind.

One sandwich/apple/ant short of a picnic.

One saucer short of a tea-service.

One scallop short of a seafood platter.

One screw loose.

One screw shy of a final assembly.

One sentence short of a paragraph.

One shade short of a rainbow.

One sheep short of a sweater.

One shingle short of a roof, and the water's getting in.

One ship short of a full fleet.

#fulldeckisms #nerdjokes #personalityjokes

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