#fun fact i intentionally wrote this so that the last two lines would mirror the previous bit of writing

[crystal-verse]

Wolgraha week day 6: AU

[do you ever think about what would happen if the exarch succeeded in taking WoL's Light, but didn't actually manage to cast himself into the rift? the answer was my lightwarden crystal exarch au -- thus, enjoy]

The Crystal Exarch was a very beautiful man.

The Crystal Exarch was a very beautiful Lightwarden, too.

Pale white skin like porcelain, patterned in gold and dark black-blue like a decorative teacup. Crystal crawling along his right arm and down his hip, swallowing his right leg up to the knee, spreading across his chest and back to circle his neck like a gorget and creep into the feathers of those massive wings he had. Wings tipped in crystal and edged in gold, and there, too, was gold along his shoulders and hips, gold twining into his arms and legs and yet more arms, a Lightwarden so beautiful, so devoted to his cause, that his only altered features were the wings resting upon his back, the porcelain-and-gold colors his flesh wore, and the two sets of arms that floated in the air, that he might give yet more to help people.

Or, that was the assumption, you're sure. They were a very beautiful thing, that Lightwarden. Agape. A deep, selfless love.

Agape had eyes as red as the Crystal Exarch's eyes had been. The eyes on the back of the hands of those four floating arms were the same seaglass blue as G'raha Tia's eye had been.

And oh, what a pretty sight they made, Agape. Crystal Exarch encased in yet more crystal, a beautiful yet deadly creature. Even in this state -- Light torn away from you yourself and from your cousin, Light torn away from the two vaunted Warriors of Light -- the Lightwarden that had been (was still) your husband was calm. Docile. Content to curl up around you and rest his chin on top of your head, purring all the while, eyes closed.

He was only so content when around you, of course. They were still a Lightwarden. They gathered all the Light in the sky and devoured it until his body nigh on shone with Light held internally, the crystalline flesh glowing just as the Crystal Tower did. (Just as your own crystalline claws and fangs and blood did.) It made sense, of course -- G'raha Tia was a man devoted, and the Crystal Exarch even moreso, and it was a testament to that devotion, a sign of how much he was devoted, that even Light-twisted as he was, the Lightwarden Agape brought no harm to you.

They are small, for a Lightwarden. Only the size of a male Au Ra, lacking the horns but oh so much more deadly. You rarely leave the Tower, now. Your place has always been with G'raha, with the Exarch, with Agape, and the Scions may think you lost to madness but you think it is lost to love instead.

What else could be expected, of a god and their most devoted? What else could be expected of the oldest god and the highest angel? What else could be expected of you, Sae'pheli'ehva, who had brought the Tower into being, held your Raha within your crystalline ribcage for centuries? Who would ever think that you would not return that same devotion?

He was a beautiful Lightwarden. He was calm, if only in your presence. (You compare yourself to Vauthry once, in your thoughts. You do not do it a second time.)

The Scions are not allowed into the Tower. None are, save Lyna who enters every second day with a stubborn slant to her mouth, informing you both of the goings-on of the Crystarium, of the First.

Your Lightwarden has far more of his mind than one might think, you're sure. He thanks Lyna in a voice that echoes and sounds like bells and lute strings falling over one another. He holds you close and bids you rest, often. For all that you are god-and-angel, Crystal God and Crystal Exarch, Warrior of Light and Lightwarden, your body is mortal while Agape's is not.

You rest in the Ocular. You hold him close to you, tuck that porcelain-white head into the crook of your neck. Agape's purrs are much stronger than Raha's had been, somehow. Some part of being a Lightwarden seems to have changed the purrs, made them deeper, even more of a bone-rumbling sensation.

"Sleep." You say. "I'll be here to hold you while you rest."

They sleep.

[oneweekoneband]

meet me behind the mall!!!!!!!!!

I don’t know why Taylor Swift thinks that teenagers drink wine, and I don’t know why she chose to record and release a wistful high-school-other-woman song which left me feeling naked as a frog and therefore furious. Some questions we ask only so as to be soothed by the familiar sound of our own voice, still there after all. The answers are not coming. 

The Taylor Swift Teen Love Triangle Triad of “cardigan”, “august”, and “betty” is the part of folklore that makes me most bullish about where Taylor is going as an artist. A turn away from writing songs which are intentionally meant to appear confessional and toward, instead, songs which reveal the personal as refracted through fictitious circumstances and made-up characters is a better use of her big, weird brain, and allows that brain to be unleashed on a broader plain of experience. It’s incredibly embarrassing to be an adult woman with my own problems to manage and to have living in my head Taylor Swift’s demented YA fiction, but it’s an embarrassment that feels appropriate, like I could never really have escaped this fate. On “betty” she gets to play-act as a contrite teen boy who knows he’s done wrong, and while obviously the most charming thing about the song is Taylor saying “fuck” (and also her giving us a little of the ol’ razzle dazzle by way of some light twang), her experiment with imagining what it’s like to be a skateboarding kid who hates dances, trying on an imagined teen boy interiority as a costume, is effective too. 

“cardigan” is more removed, less plaintive and shouty. This is a song from adult Betty’s perspective looking back on this period in her life and in her relationship with James, who the song seems to imply she is still with now. While—full offense—I believe marrying your high school girlfriend or boyfriend is a disorder which should have its own listing in the DSM, restoring order by putting the original couple back together so as to make the story one of true love triumphing over adversity, rather than a series of sketches of kids doing fuckup kid things just because it is not easy to be alive and to be alive alongside others and with gentleness, least of all when you are very new at it,  is the only conclusion this saga could ever have reached with Ms. Swift at its helm, and I do appreciate the consistent, if baby-brained, internal logic. I’ve never known a teenage girl whose signature garment was a cardigan and, frankly, this Betty sounds like sort of a self-absorbed drip (I do love, love, how Taylor’s own voice comes through so clearly on the lightly threatening, smug lines, “I knew you’d miss me once the thrill expired / And you’d be standing in my front porch light” !!) so I’m not totally surprised she got cheated on, but that’s very uncharitable of me and probably comes from the same meaty polyp in my brain that is responsible for my still loving all the hilariously mean-spirited, woman-hating songs on Speak Now.

“august” is about the other girl. The “her” in James’ rather pathetic defense, “slept next to her, but I dreamt of you all summer long”. “august” tells a story that brings to my mind another story. It is a story I won’t belabor because it is neither exciting nor unique. It will not illuminate an unexplored human experience, as it is, in fact, incredibly boring, regular, an incident which would be at home in any normal Tuesday, ordinary as meeting at the mall. This is a million years ago and there is a boy whose basement I go to sometimes after swim practice. We have matching team sweatpants with our names embroidered above the pocket at the right hip and I like to switch pairs. I’m you and you’re me and when we have pushed and bent the tiredness out of our muscles together, making experimental declarations in hushed voices down there while the furnace groans, well, then I’m you and me and you’re you and me and we are we are we are. 

One February day at twilight I bound out of the school building with wet hair and a fleece jacket, but his car is already gone. No worries. Standing at my locker the next afternoon like in a movie he will say, easy as anything, that he has a girlfriend, a family friend, two towns over, she goes to private school. You’ve probably met her, he says. And right then I remember that I have. Last year I did her zipper in the bathroom at a dance. We were fighting but we never really broke up, he says. For months you’ve been fighting? is all I say back. Fighting since October? As if that matters. Like that’s the point. My voice is pinched and ugly and I know I’ll hear that sound forever. Well, anyway... I feel bad. He doesn’t clarify for whom he feels bad. He’s got one sneaker toe working against the other one atop the tile floor that’s the murky green of sea glass. He looks at my St Brigid’s cross necklace, at the blue Masterlock hanging open like a broken jaw, at someone in a hoodie who punches his shoulder as they walk by. Nothing personal, he says, and there is a tiny smudge of cafeteria pizza at the corner of his mouth that I hadn’t noticed until that second and a day ago would’ve reached up and wiped away with the pad of my thumb, laughing. I get it, right? Oh, sure. 

The worst of it was not skipping pre-calc to cry in the bathroom, since, I mean, I couldn’t actually do pre-calc and would never learn how, but was inspecting my soul in the dark when I couldn’t sleep that night and finding part of me had known this all along, had chosen to pretend, wanted the wanting so badly I’d knocked from my brain the truth of how it was going to end. This would not be the last false love from which I’d find myself unceremoniously discarded, and in time I’d learn to be the liar myself, too. It’s unseemly to pathologize bad decisions, to take on poor impulse control or self-destructive patterns as an identity, but I do think that just as some people are born serial monogamists, part of a twosome forever with very little mess in-between, some of us were built from the very first cell to live like a pool ball struck and banging teeth first into the wrong mouths and hearts. I can examine my romantic history and tap my finger against the obvious errors, the times I chose what I knew would hurt me, when I ascribed hope to situations where it did not belong, when I, like the narrator of “august”, regarded someone as not mine to lose but still put myself in the position to be harmed by the losing, yet I can’t produce alternative choices that feel realistic. If you are in love and it doesn’t work out, there is mourning, there is pain, but there is all the while a record which shows something happened, it was real. “august” stands somewhat apart in the Taylor Swift catalog as a song neither about the glory of true love or the heartbreak when it’s over, but about the small, paper cut heartbreaks that are inescapable during each day of an untrue love. “It was never mine”. When it turns out you were wrong the whole time, fooling yourself, then even remembering that you’d been happy in the lie is like being trapped in a fun house, body bent and broken in the mirror, a thing not built right for this world. 

“august” is about the girl who James was with over the summer, the girl he leaves to return to Betty. Taylor said it’s the first of the three that she wrote, and I fear this has warmed me to her in some new and unsettling way. I fear this means she’s matured as a person and writer, capable now of a more expansive view of situations, to be generous. It’s like how you shouldn’t feed gremlins after midnight; there is no telling what new and more dangerous creature this woman might turn into if she’s suddenly been taught empathy. When Taylor-as-James in “betty” sings, “Would you trust me if I told you it was just a summer thing?” in his effort to woo Betty back I hate him a little, that thoughtless child undeserving of the kind of adoration in lines like, “your back beneath the sun / wishing I could write my name on it.” I try to extend grace to this fictional boy, but I think of the “Do you remember? in “august” and I feel a little sick from being so certain that no... No, he doesn’t. Not really.

“Back when we were still changing for the better / wanting was enough / for me it was enough”. I’d like to think there is no last chance to change for the better. I’d like to think wanting is enough so long as you want the right thing. I’d like to think that God made sure Taylor Swift became a singer instead of a young adult novelist because the absolute last thing this world needed was this freak joining the circus that is YA Twitter. Most of all, I like thinking that Judy Blume knows that her beautiful, searing, devastatingly romantic and also textually gay 1998 novel Summer Sisters is the only important book that has ever been published, and, further, that the world will show me the respect of understanding and accepting that “august”, when removed from the context of the Swiftian child romance trilogy, sounds as if it were specifically written in homage. Taylor, I know I’ve accused you of at least fifty crimes this week alone, but if you want to talk about Summer Sisters, please get in touch.

[magicrowiswritingstuff]

"The Party" – Jason Todd x female!reader

Summary: Jason asks the reader to join him on a party he is invited to. The only problem? The reader gets easily overwhelmed when being surrounded by a lot of people. But wanting to get over this fear she accepts either way. Also: The personality for the reader is the same as from my "Batboys Headcanons", it’s a pre-established relationship and (F/N) means "friend’s name".

Warnings: so much fucking fluff, suggestive themes (slightly), panic attack/social anxiety? (it just evolved on its own while I wrote this one so I’m not sure how accurate it is à read NOTE)

Category: fluffy angst (?)

Words: about 8.000

Note: I wanted to write about an introverted reader during a party but I think it turned a little bit into reader having a panic attack? (unintentionally, so I’m sorry if everything is not a 100% correct) Note 2: Also, I’m probably doing a second part with reader and Jason going to a gala Bruce hosts…

_________________________________

"The Party" – Jason Todd x fem!reader

You had never been on a party before. The only time you would meet a lot of people intentionally was for family celebrations. But being around a lot of people became more common after meeting Jason. Being invited to dinner at the manor alone matched the family celebration you were used to. But you quickly realized that you enjoyed Alfred's food and the company of Jason's family. They were all very friendly and you always felt welcomed whenever you were visiting so you never felt overwhelmed. However, you had never really gone to any drinking parties or clubs or anything like that since a few years. Those things just weren't for you. Being around a lot of people exhausted you and sometimes even made you anxious. And you hated it so much. You wanted to be spontaneous and fun. You wanted to go out with friends, talk with strangers easily or just for once enjoy a party. You didn't want to hold people back and be the one who declined every invitation. But saying "No" was just so easy. It was far easier than going to a party and trying to get over your fears. You couldn’t help yourself, being at your apartment, especially when Jason was with you, was just the best form of entertainment and fun you wanted. On one lazy afternoon you and Jason were cuddling on the sofa in your apartment. You were leaning against his chest, his legs to either of your sides and his arms held upright on your shoulders. Snuggling against him you turned the page of your book with a smile, Jay did the same with his book he was holding above your head. You loved those days, you loved spending time with Jason, just reading books together in silent harmony. That was what you wanted, just the two of you enjoying the silence. But then he put his head on top of yours and you knew he was demanding your attention but didn’t want to speak up just yet. You only questioningly hummed but continued reading. "I got invited to a party" he spoke up and went straight to the point. Dropping your book on your lap you stared at the blank wall in front of you and felt how your heart sank. You already knew what he was about to ask. He would want you to join. And one side of you found it incredibly sweet but the other side of you instinctively tensed up. Breathing in deeply you tried to calm down. He didn't even ask you yet. In fact you even had talked with him about wanting to be more outgoing so maybe you should just accept it for once. After all he just wanted to support you in that decision. "Do you want to join me as my date?"

Biting your lip you suppressed the urge to decline. The "No" was already lying heavy on your tongue. You wanted to become more outgoing. You wanted to be fun to be around. Now you only needed to do the last step and that was stepping out of your comfort zone. Sighing you swallowed the word and then tilted your head back, you back still pressed against his chest, to look at Jason's blue-green eyes that reminded you of a deep mountain lake. You loved his eyes that looked at you with so much softness in them like the gentle waves of a lake. A smile grazed your lips. No one ever believes you when you tell them that he is an absolute softy and he just wanted to help you getting over your fear of parties. "Okay" you wanted to say confidently but it came out more like a whisper with a shy smile on your lips. He smiled down at you, his eyes full of pride and happiness. He looped his arms around you and gave you a sweet kiss on the lips. You couldn't stifle your chuckle because of the strange position you two were in though you still wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed back. Jason took that opportunity to deepen the kiss but having to tilt your head back so far and for so long it began to hurt a little. You pushed him away slightly which only made him groan in frustration. Laughing out loud you turned around to face him the right way. "That hurts my neck" you complained with a pout and wrapped your arms around his shoulders. Nuzzling your face against his neck you sighed and closed your eyes. "Want me to do something about it?" he asked. You knew that he was grinning even though you had your eyes closed. You didn’t need to see the grin because you could hear it in his voice. You slapped against his chest though you couldn't contain your laughter. "I guess that's a yes" he whispered in your ear, wrapped his arms around your waist and hoisted you up onto his lap. Squirming slightly you groaned in annoyance but it quickly turned into a sigh when he kissed the crook of your neck. "Jay" you whined and pushed yourself away from him. Glaring at him you held yourself upright with your hands pressed against his chest but Jason only grinned down at you. You really had to hold back your own smile. "Yes, baby?" Jason asked and reduced the distance between you two. "What about our books?" you tried to distract and annoy him. Though that nickname made you instantly weak and Jay knew it. Your heart had already sped up and left your limps a shaking mess. Eyes hazy you bit your lip to suppress the grin that wanted to crawl onto your lips. But by the sight of your glossy eyes Jason's grin grew even more and you just had to respond with a smile. "Forget the books" he said with a husky voice and closed the space between you completely. Melting into the kiss you smiled and responded it. Jason's hands caressing your sides while you wrapped your arms around his neck again, pressing yourself against him. The party was already long forgotten. _________________________________ 

"(F/N), help me" you pleaded with your phone pressed between your head and shoulder while holding two different tops in your hands. Standing in front of the mirror you looked at yourself. What were you even doing? After Jason had invited you to that party you had since blocked out the thought of it. And now the party was tomorrow and you had no idea what to wear. "What am I supposed to wear? I hadn’t gone to a house party in years" you continued and hanged the two shirts back into your closet. Why did you even grab those? You didn't like them anymore. Why were they even in your closet in the first place? A frustrated sigh left your lips while you could hear chuckling from the other side of the phone. "Don't overthink it so much. Just wear what feels comfortable" your friend replied with the faintest traces of laughter in their voice. "I can't just show up in my pajamas" you said and sighed again. Turning around you sat down on your bed. Now you wished you had declined Jason's offer though you feared that he would have been disappointed in you then. You just had to clench your teeth and go through with it now. "Though that definitely would be a look" your friend stated. "Haha" you dryly retorted and rolled your eyes. "I don't want to embarrass myself or Jason." You bit your tongue after realized that you really were overthinking again. They were only clothes. Probably nobody would care what you would end up wearing. They would be too drunk to notice it after a while anyways. "You won't, stop. Just wear your favorite shorts and top" (F/N) said, trying to calm your thoughts down. You nodded even though your friend couldn't see that and went back to the closet. Grabbing the pair of shorts you always wore and your favorite, not to dressy shirt you held it before you and looked at it in the mirror. You nodded again. "Yeah, that works" you agreed, laid the clothes on your bed and sat down beside them. "Thank you, (F/N)." "You're welcome." Then the line went silent for a while and your thoughts drifted off, back to the party. Your heart flattered in nervousness. Why were you so nervous? It was just a party. But you always were overthinking how you were supposed to act and sooner or later all that and the constant presence of people would overwhelm you. Why couldn't you just stop thinking about it? Why did you always have to worry about everything. "(Y/N), are you alright?" your friend asked after a while of no talking. "No" you said before you could bit your tongue. You stammered for a few seconds before a sigh left your lips. "I'm just... afraid of being a burden. Bringing the mood down or just being extremely awkward" you confessed. "Because I know I will be overwhelmed by the party at one point or another." "Then why are you going?" "Because I want to change, get over it" you explained. You no longer wanted to be the first to leave or the one who always cancels. "Then just enjoy the time with Jason and if you feel overwhelmed don't feel guilty and just take a breath" (F/N) began. "You are you and if you really want to get over it you also must have in mind that it will take a while." You knew they were right. "Yeah, I guess." "If you need me just call or talk to Jason. He would never want you to feel uncomfortable." That made you smile. You were just putting yourself under more pressure than necessary. "Thanks, (F/N). I'm just a naturally talented over-thinker." Later that same day, it was already dark outside, you were laying on your sofa but this time without Jay by your side because today he was stuck at the manor. You were still a little nervous because of tomorrow but after talking with (F/N) about it, it definitely wasn't as bad anymore. But you for sure were missing Jason even though you would see him tomorrow. So you decided to call him. Despite the fact that it was pretty late already, it only took him a few seconds to pick up his phone. "Hey, princess" he said and you could hear he was grinning. "What's up?" "Hey, Jay" you answered with a smile and snuggled deeper into the soft fabric of your cuddle blanket. "I just missed you." "Already? If I'm correct you saw me only a few hours ago" he smugly said. Rolling your eyes you let out a laugh. You really wanted to tell him about your nervousness but you didn't want him to worry or feel bad for bringing you to join him even though you agreed on your own free will. You knew he would blame himself so you swallowed your worries. "And? That doesn't mean I didn't miss you" you retorted. You could hear Jason laugh out loud but trying to stifle it probably because he didn't want to wake anyone. "Well, I-" he suddenly stopped. "Could you hold on for a moment?" "Yes, of course" you answered immediately. You often had to wait a few seconds, sometimes minutes for him to come back to the phone. You guessed he was needed downstairs in the manor or someone walked in, though you never asked specifically what the reasons were. After a while you pressed your phone between your head and shoulder again and looked patently at your fingers. Your thoughts were drifting off again but you forced yourself to not think about the party. You had enough time to worry about it tomorrow and you just wanted to enjoy the conversation with Jason on the phone now. 'Stop overthinking and just relax.' "I'm back." You flinched, dropped your phone on your lap and tossed the blanket off your shoulders by the sudden voice talking in your ear. If you weren't imagine things you even heard a quiet yelp escape your lips. Grabbing the phone and bringing it to your ear again you could hear chuckles from the other side. "Did I startle you?" he asked, still laughing slightly. "Yes!" you tauntingly said. "Sorry, babe" he apologized though you could still hear the slightest hints of laughter in his voice. Narrowing your eyes you let out a huff before calming down again. "So, what were you about to say earlier?" you asked, snuggling back into the blanket after being scared out of them. He stayed silent for a few moments before speaking up again in a faint whisper: "I missed you, too." Before you knew it a big smile crept on your lips. "You're sweet, you big softy" you whispered back. "Hush, now" he laughed. "You should probably go to sleep, we will be up late tomorrow." Biting your tongue you suppressed a sigh. He was right. "Alright." "See you then. Good night, princess." "Good night, Jay." _________________________________ And then the day of the party arrived. You had been on edge all day and didn't know what to do to pass the time so it felt like a minute lasted an hour. But finally the day was coming to an end. The sun began to set and you were running around your apartment trying to think of anything you would need during the party. But then the thought crossed your mind that Jason was picking you up with his motorcycle so taking a purse with you would be very unpredictable. And you didn't want to constantly worry about it during the party as well so you decided to top your outfit with your leather jacket you kind of recently bought to match Jason's. You found it hilarious and it matched your outfit so you could leave it on during the party. The only things that fitted into the pockets were your phone and your keys so you weren't able to overthink anything else. Or at least before you could you were hindered by your phone ringing.

It was Jason's ringtone. He had a key to your apartment so why was he calling? And if he forgot it why wasn't he just ringing the doorbell? Raising your eyebrows in confusion you accepted the call. Before you could speak up though Jason said "Come down" and hung up again. Not a second later you could hear the sound of a motor horn. Now even more confused you went over to the window that faced the streets. Looking down you could see Jason leaning against his bike, his helmet under his arm and glancing up to you with a big grin on his lips. Shaking your head you crossed your arms before your chest and stared down at him for a few moments more before you turned around and put on your shoes. Looking at yourself in the mirror hanging in the corridor for the last time you encouraged yourself. "You can do it" you told yourself and nodded before leaving the apartment. You noticed that your steps were unsure at first but the closer you got to the entrance door and Jason the more light-footed you got. "You can do it" you faintly whispered before opening the door and stepping out on the street. And the moment you laid eyes on Jason's frame you had to smile and all your nervousness vanished. "You are such a dork" you said while walking up to him. "You could have just ringed the bell." He shrugged his shoulders, hung his helmet on the handlebars and then wrapped his arms around your middle, pulling you to him. "Wouldn't have been as fun" he stated. For a few seconds he just grinned at you and you just looked up at him with a soft smile. "You look stunning. Love the jacket" he cheekily said. Your eyes immediately fell onto his leather jacket. "I can only return the compliment" you responded and grinned. And before you knew it the two of you connected in a sweet kiss. Closing your eyes you hummed and pressed your hands against his chest, enjoying the kiss and the cool feel of the leather beneath your fingers. The moment you felt Jason's touch, his lips on yours, all your worries disappeared. You were just relaxed and excited to spend time with him, you didn't even care that it was a party with many more people. Your heart skipped a beat, glad to have Jason by your side. Parting slightly after a while you opened your eyes again. "Ready?" he asked with only a few inches between you two. "Yes, let's go" you said and nodded. Jason let you go and handed you your helmet before grabbing his own. After you secured it on your head Jay playfully knocked against the visor. "Cut it out" you said and flinched away. But the laughter in your voice was very noticeable. "Alright, hop on" he said and sat down on the bike himself. You followed suit, wrapped your arms around his middle and your head pressed sideways against his chest to not hurt him with the front of it. He stroke over your thigh before turning forward completely and starting the engine. The sudden momentum of the motorcycle driving forward pulled your body back before you pressed yourself even further against Jason. Even though it wasn't your first time driving with Jay and you grew too really like it, the start always startled you. But after only a few seconds you relaxed and enjoyed the ride.

It was at around seven pm when you two reached the apartment building where the party took place. Immediately after the door was opened you felt overwhelmed by the loud music and the huge crowd of people. But that feeling went away as soon as Jason grabbed your hand and drew slow circles on the back of it to ease your mind. You relaxed again and the forced smile you had put on to great the people at the door became real. Why were you even afraid before?

Jay introduced you to a lot of people but your mind was still unable to cope with everything that was happening. So you didn't remember most of the names and the only person you knew besides Jason was his friend Roy. You weren't even sure if you saw the same person twice during this party because to you it seemed there were far too many people in the apartment. But maybe your brain was just exaggerating it. However, when Jason directed you to one of the sofas to sit down after a while of walking through the rooms and talking to people you were rather glad. The party wasn't as bad as you imagined it but you needed a few moments to calm down again. You could feel that tingly sensation of overwhelmedness again, waiting on the rim of your mind to strike like thousands of ants crawling over your skin. You leaned against Jason's side, clutching his hand and looking around while he talked to someone sitting beside you. Your breath was a little shallow because of the stuffy air and a faint headache began to knock against your scull because of the many different scents of alcohol. That you were beginning to feel overwhelmed wasn't helping you either. Grabbing your water from the table with your free hand you drank a few rushed gulps to soothe some of the slight pain you felt before putting the glass back on the table in front of you. What time was it? How many hours did you already spend on the party? It could already be past midnight or only an hour later since you arrived with Jason and you wouldn't know the difference. Bouncing one leg nervously you closed your eyes for a few seconds and concentrated on something else then the party. You wanted to enjoy this and you wouldn't back down now. "Are you alright?" a faint whisper met your ears and led to you opening your eyes again. Looking to your left you saw Jason a little bent forward with a worried glint in his eyes. You couldn't hinder the soft smile of forming on your lips. "Yes" you answered. "It's just a little much right now so I'm glad we sat down." You didn't tell him about that overwhelming feeling in your gut, that tingle in your chest and the knocking in your head. You didn't want him to worry about you. It wasn't that bad after all. You remembered your conversation with (F/N). Your friend had told you that it would take a while to get over that problem and that you should tell Jay when it really became too much. And they were right. However, the little voice in your mind told you to not do it, not to talk to Jason. You knew that you weren't at fault for feeling overwhelmed but it still felt like being a burden. And the last thing you wanted to be as Jason's date and at your first party since forever was being a buzzkill. But Jason's worried glance didn't change. "If you want to leave or need anything just tell me, alright?" he said and pulled you to him even more. Smiling you nodded, not trusting yourself to speak without your voice breaking. When did that feeling of overwhelmedness get worse? Jason's eyes traveled over your face for a few moments more before stopping at your lips. Your own eyes following his gaze, the eyes that you were able to read so well. You could see the pull he felt, the desire that you felt too but you seemed to be frozen in anticipation, waiting for him to finally move. But you also saw his green eyes with splashes of blue in them though from so close you couldn't tell anymore if they were more green than blue or not. The only thing you knew was that you loved his eyes and the peaceful feeling that washed over you whenever you lost yourself in them. Your eyes darted to his lips now too which hovered over your own. So close but still too far away to really touch. It made your heart flatter and breath hitch. All other noises and people had disappeared, the only person you focused on was Jason. You could see his lips curl up in the faintest version of a smirk before he finally leaned forward, closed the distance between you two and captured your lips in a sweet kiss. Sighing you melted into it and closed your eyes immediately, the suffocating feeling from before supplanted to the rim of your consciousness like everything else too. Freeing your hand from Jay's you cupped his cheeks to deepen the kiss while his arms lazily wrapped around your middle. No matter what was bothering you, with only one touch, on kiss from Jay you felt as light as a feather and worriless. Nothing but Jason mattered. You felt his body pressed against yours. How his heart hammered against your chest that was filled with the strong beating of your own heart. His fingers dived under your jacket and hovered over the fabric of your shirt, wanting to touch more. The softness of his lips against your own that were still wetted by the water you had drank before. You completely forgot about the people around you. You couldn't even tell how much time had passed, how long the kiss lasted. You were too focused on Jason and the feeling of his rougher skin beneath your fingers. The contrast between his soft lips and rough skin sent butterflies flying through your stomach. You wanted to savor this moment, this feeling for as long as possible. You wanted to relish the peace you felt because of him. But even after all these seconds, maybe even a minute, it still was too short of a kiss when he pulled away slightly. You still had your eyes closed but you felt his choppy breaths that mimicked your own against your lips, telling you that he hasn't moved far away. For a few moments more you enjoyed that feeling of only being surrounded by Jason before opening your eyes again. The party and all its noise hit you again but it didn't bother you as much as before. Looking up you met Jason's eyes that were wrinkled at the corners because of the smile on his lips. You returned his smile with parted lips, dropped your hands from his cheeks and instead wrapped them around his middle, pressing yourself against his chest even more. Closing your eyes again you muzzled your face against the cold leather of his jacket, hummed peacefully and breathed in his tough scent of leather and the remnants of oil and gasoline form his bike while Jason wrapped his arms tightly around you too. "Are you two done?" a familiar voice said chuckling. Opening one eye but still not parting from Jason you looked up at Roy who stood in front of you with a smirk and his arms crossed before his chest. The faintest tint of red began to cover your face. But before you could break away from Jason and stutter some unintelligible response he hoisted you up on his lap, arms still wrapped around you to prevent you from getting away and spoke up: "No, why? Wanna watch?" Eyes growing wide you pulled away from him by pressing your hands flat against his chest. However, you couldn't stand up from his lap because his embrace was too strong for you to fight against. "Jason!" you yelped aghast and completely flustered. The faint tint of red was replaced by the bright color of a ripe tomato. Though Jason would never embarrass you about something you were insecure about he loved to tease you and make you flustered in front of others. No matter how much you cussed at him afterwards because of it. Roy however didn't seem as faced by Jason's remark and only shook his head in laughter. "I've already seen enough." Your eyes snapped back to Roy in embarrassment before darting back to Jason in anger. But he only chuckled when he saw the look you gave him. "Baby, don't be mad" he said and pushed you to his face again with a grin. "Let me go" you demanded and tried to sound confident but you knew that all that didn't leave you unfazed and it was obvious. You really wanted to curl up and die right now, too uncomfortable to face anyone. Jason looked at you before finally letting you go. You jumped away immediately and sat down beside him with a pouty look. "Are you really mad at me?" he asked which made you turn away from him with your arms crossed before your chest. Though you knew he only meant it in a playful manner you still felt embarrassed by it. A sigh left his lips before he wrapped his arms around you again and laid his head on your shoulder. "You know I'm only teasing" he whispered in your ear before giving your neck a quick kiss. Tensing up you tried to get away und suppressed your laughter. "Jay, stop" you said with the slightest hint of a giggle in your voice. But Jason already knew by the nickname that you weren't really mad. "Do you really want that?" he asked, pushed one strand of hair behind your ear and continued to torture you with feather-light kisses. "Yes!" you yelped when he grazed your soft spot and turned around in his arms. "Stop, it's embarrassing." He chuckled, pulled away and shrugged his shoulders. "Alright." Sitting up straight you glanced at Roy again but you couldn't meet his gaze for long. Looking to the side you touched your burning face and tried to hide it. "So, I only wanted to ask if you want to come play beer pong with me?" Roy asked after clearing his throat. Sort of forced you looked back up again. "Yeah, of course" Jason agreed before turning to you with one eyebrow raised in question. However, you shook your head and tried to hide the tension in your body. "No, thank you. I don't want to drink today" you said directed to Roy and nodded towards your glass of water before also turning to face Jay. "I will stay here." "Are you sure? I don't have to pla-" Jason started but you interrupted him. "No! No, it's fine. I will be alright on my own" your mouth said whereas your mind screamed the opposite. But the mere thought of being a buzzkill misled you to swallow your worries of being alone on the sofa surrounded by strangers. "I can stay with you, too. Since it's your first party, I don't want you to feel overextended by all this" Jason explained, grabbed your hands and caressed them with small circles, calming your nerves in the progress. You, however, shook your head. You wouldn't hold Jason back, not today. "No really, go have fun" you said and desperately tried to gloss over the fact that your body and voice were tense. You didn't need Jason to monitor you. He was here to enjoy the party, too. "You don't need to babysit me." You really wanted to do this, be more outgoing and brave and capable. It wouldn't be the end of the world if he left you alone for a minute or two. You could handle that, swimming in a sea of strangers without your pillar of strength to ease the vicious waves of the sea. It wasn't like the bare thought of it made your palms sweaty and throat dry out of nervousness but you just would have to pretend. Jason looked you over for a few more seconds with raised eyebrows and a worried, unsure glint in his eyes, waiting for your eyes to betray you. But you managed to maintain the act of certitude and the worry in his eyes disappeared. He gave you a small, sincere smile and a quick, reassuring kiss before standing up, letting go of your hands in the process. "If you need me or anything just say so" he said with a softness in his eyes that was only reserved for you to see. You nodded, bit your tongue and smiled. Then Jason turned around and walked with Roy to the table set for the drinking game. You really wanted Jason to have fun during the party but already the first few seconds of being alone and surrounded by all those people and noise seemed to overpower that thought and made you regret your words. You grabbed your glass of water with a sigh and nipped at it to distract yourself. Your eyes darted almost on their own to Jason who was throwing the small ball over the table and scored. Jubilating he high fived Roy and looked back to you. Grinning you gave him a thumbs-up. Setting your glass down you looked at your feet, not knowing what to do now. But before you could think more about it someone suddenly bummed into your side. Startled you looked up at the definitely intoxicated blonde girl that was sitting next to you now. "Uh, hello" you said with a questioning undertone. "Oh, hi!" she retorted with a big grin and put one arm around you. "Who are you? Haven't seen you before." Uncomfortable you skirted away a little to try and pry her arm away from you but the girl wouldn't butch. "I'm (Y/N)" you said. "Nice to meet you, (Y/N). So, with whom are you with here today?" she asked, probably not letting go of this conversation anytime soon. You sighed defeated and nodded towards Jason's form playing beer pong. "I'm Jason's date." "Oh!" the blonde said and grinned. "You're Jason's girlfriend!" You narrowed your eyes slightly but nodded again. Why did it seem like everyone knew you and you were the only one completely at lose here? But before you could ask her why she knew you, the girl grabbed a bag of chips from the table in front of you and changed the topic. "Have you tried these chips yet? They are my favorite. I swear, they're the best." And after that the flow of words seemed to never find an end. Sometimes the girl asked you questions but before you could answer them she would speak up again and start another topic. Somewhere during the waterfall of words she dropped her name but you couldn't remember. You were far to overwhelmed to pay any attention anymore. But how could you escape this situation without seeming rude? How did you even end up here? At least she had let go of your shoulders and sat beside you, leaned back on the sofa. You on the other hand sat tense and straight, with your gaze darting uncontrollably through the room. For a split second you looked at your hands and realized that they were shaking very noticeably. But then you looked at the girl again who had laughed out loud. Huffing you tried to stay focused on the girl beside you but your gaze seemed to wander of exactly like your thoughts no matter what you tried to prevent it. The urge to jump up and just run home got stronger the longer you sat there. Digging your nails into the palms of your hands you tried to suppress the shaking of them and led your gaze fall back to the girl. Who was she? Why did she know you? Did Jason introduce you two earlier? You couldn't remember, all those names and faces were an unsorted mess inside your mind that had been cloudy all day anyway. Grabbing your water you took another gulp to calm your nerves. "And I don't know if I should give him another chance or not. But like, he really is trying and I like him a lot. He even asked me to go-" the girl you didn't know went on while your thoughts drifted off again and again. The shaking of your hand got worse and spread through the rest of your body. Pressing your legs together you tried to minimize the effect of it because you didn't need anyone notice it and address it. Your thoughts were so hazy. The tingly feeling you had felt before seemed to have transferred to your mind. You couldn't explain it but it felt like ants were running around inside your head, making you more nervous by the second. You glanced around for a bit but there were people everywhere you looked. Standing, talking, dancing, drinking and having fun. And you were sitting on a sofa clutching your water in a desperate attempt to don't lose your cool. You had really wanted to enjoy this but you just couldn't anymore. You reached the point where you couldn't take it anymore. You were so tired and just wanted to leave. Glancing to the beer pong table you caught Jay looking at you with one eyebrow raised in question. Not wanting to worry him you forced a smile and waved at him. He grinned before returning to his beer pong game. The moment his eyes left your form, your smile faltered. You needed to get out of here. Your breaths were shallow again and the headache began to knock more aggressively against your skull. Your vision seemed to fade in and out of focus while your legs began to shake even more. That tingly, unpleasant feeling began again and started to numb your fingertips before it exploded through your body like a chain reaction. Every sound seemed far too loud now. The drumming of your heart echoed in your ears and drowned out everything else though you could still hear a vivid wall of noise beyond your violently beating heart. You needed to escape. "Do you know what I mean?" Startled you turned around to face the girl again. Her voice was the only one you could hear loud and clear though those crushing sensations were still looming over you like a shadow you couldn't run away from. "Ehm yeah, I guess?" you choked out with great struggle and not even sure what she was referring to. "Excuse me, but I need to go to the toilet" you said, took your chance and stood up before she could protest or hinder you by speaking up again. You put the almost empty glass of water down on the table before walking away quickly on shaking legs, amazed you were even able to hold yourself upright. Luckily you remembered where the toilet was so you dodged all the people dancing or standing around you and entered the hallway that was mostly empty. At the end of it was the door to the toilet. Pressing the handle down you realized that it wasn't locked and jumped into the room with a sigh, closing the door behind you and locking it instantly. And then you took a deep breath. It was the first one after a long while that finally seems to really fill your lungs with the air you so desperately needed. Sucking in as much air as possible you stumbled towards the toilet you put the seat lid down and let yourself fall on it. Hunching over you tried to control the shaking of your body. And then a hiccup left your lips and you realized that you were crying. Cursing you wiped away the tears that had spilled out of your eyes with toilet paper. What were you supposed to do now? You couldn't go back. You couldn't face the wall of noise again. Standing up you stumbled towards the sink, almost falling to the floor because your legs gave up beneath you but you managed to catch yourself with the sink. Avoiding your reflection in the mirror you turned on the tab and splashed some water in your face to freshen up. Standing up as straight as possible you caught your glossy eyes in the mirror. You looked as tired as you felt. Touching your face you rubbed at the traces the tears had left. But the only thing you accomplished with the rubbing was scratching at your skin and making it turn red and sore. "Hey, are you coming out soon?" You flinched by the sudden voice that spoke up behind the door and knocked against it. "Ye-yeah, one moment" you stammered, grabbed the towel to dry your face and gave yourself one last look through the mirror before wobbling to the door and unlocking it. A guy stood before you and nodded in appreciation. "Thanks" he said and pushed beside you, closing the door behind you the moment you stood outside in the hallway. A little lost you stood there for a few seconds before walking down the corridor. Halfway through it you stopped. You couldn't go back. You couldn't face that feeling again. You couldn't go back. Taking a step back you pressed yourself against the wall and tried to focus on your breathing. You needed to calm down. But you couldn't. The only thing you could do was going back to the sofa. But you didn't want to. You couldn't. A shaky breath left your lips and tears threatened to spill out of your eyes again. No. And then your gaze wandered to the window with the fireplace in front of it. Air. Before you realized what you were doing you had already opened the window and climbed through it. Standing on the fire escape you enjoyed the chilly night air with closed eyes. Calm. You couldn't even hear the party anymore. Just peace. Sitting down on the grid you let your legs hang down and put your face in your hands. The view wasn't the best but at least your mind was distracted. And that was all you wanted right now. Comfort. Looking up at the stars you sighed. The night was beautiful, or as beautiful as a night could be in Gotham. Through the clouds you could make out a few stars and sometimes even the big dipper. The tingly feeling of overwhelmedness was still present but it slowly took a back seat, got pushed to the rim of your realization. "Hey." Flinching once again you turned around with wide eyes full of shock only to meet gentle waves of blue and green. The shock vanished in an instant and you relaxed again. "Hey" you replied with a soft smile which Jason returned. Looking forward again you could hear his steps before you felt his presence beside you. He didn't say anything, just let his legs dangle over the edge like you did. Wrapping one arm around your waist he pulled you into his side. Immediately you turned towards him again, nuzzling your face into the fabric of his shirt and jacket. "Are you alright?" he whispered and stroked your hair. The sensations hit you again and before you could do anything against it you felt hot tears streaming over your cheeks again. "No" you croaked out. You felt like a failure, like you let him down. And that feeling punched you in the gut with such force you couldn't stifle the hiccups forced out by it. Jason now wrapped both arms around you, hugging you tight and kissing the top of your head. He rocked you softly side to side, trying to calm you down. "I'm such a failure. I feel like I disappointed you" you revealed because you couldn't contain it anymore. You weren't able to do it. You had let him down. "Shh, don't say that" Jason said and pressed your head against his chest so you would be able to hear his heart beat that always calmed you down. "You could never disappoint me". "I can't even cope with one party" you continued either way, your voice slightly muffled. "Why do I feel so overwhelmed by people? Why can't I just be afraid of spiders instead of parties?" Jason only hushed you again, stopping you before you could lose yourself in your worries. Sniffing you tried to wipe the tears away without Jason noticing but of course he realized what you were doing. Pushing you slightly away from him he wiped them away instead before cupping your cheek with one hand and looking down at you with a sad smile. "I already felt that something was up but I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to feel discouraged or not trusted" he admitted, still looking directly in your glossy eyes. "I didn't want you to feel like I'm babysitting you" he paraphrased you. Guilty you tried to look away but Jason hold your head with both hands now, forcing you to face him. "Don't beat yourself up so much" he said sternly. "You don't have to prove me or anyone anything. If you want to leave you can always tell me that. I will never hold that against you because I want you to feel comfortable" he explained. Sighing he let go of your face and dropped his hands onto his lap. "I only suggested you to come with me because I thought it was what you wanted. I would have never forced you to go." You shook your head, trying to sort your thoughts to answer him. "No, I really wanted to do this. I want to get over this but every time I try I fail" you admitted. "You have to give yourself some time" Jason said, grabbed your hand and drew slow circles on its back. A relieved sigh left you quivering lips and you melted against his touch, leaning against his side again and taking in his soothing scent. "I know." For a while neither of you spoke up and you were rather glad. You enjoyed the silence and just Jay's presence beside you. Whenever he was near you he had this calming effect on you that made all your worries disappear. "Thank you, Jay" you finally said with your gaze fixated forward and laid your other hand on top of his. He immediately turned towards you again, glancing at your face that had the faintest hint of a smile on it. "How about we get out of here" he proposed and stood up, holding his hand out to you. You turned around towards him and glanced at his hand questioningly. "Really?" He nodded. You grabbed his hand and he hoisted you up. "Let's go home" he declared and began to climb down the ladder of the fire escape. "What are you doing?" you asked, stepping towards the metal ladder with confusion in your eyes. Jason stopped midway and looked up at you. "If we go through the apartment they will never let us leave" he explained with a chuckle and you only nodded, remembering the girl who had been very nice but also very persistent on talking to you. So you decided to follow Jason's lead. Reaching the final step of the ladder he jumped down and looked up at your still form. The distance between the last step and the ground wasn't that big but looking down from above made your belly flip in fear. Glancing at Jason you begged him for help in silence. "Don't worry" Jason encouraged you with a playful glint in his eyes. "I'll catch you." Even from up there you could see that playfulness. "You better" you said chuckling, breathed in deeply before letting go. Jason stood to his word and caught you, setting you down on the street elegantly though he didn't let go of you completely. Turning around in his arms that were wrapped around you, you looked up at him with a smile, losing yourself in his gentle eyes again. Those blue waves surrounded by a mysterious, deep green forest that laid in complete silence and harmony of the night. The reflection of the stars twinkled on the surface of the water like thousands of diamonds. Cupping his cheek you caressed the skin underneath his eyes. It was like you could feel the water moving, the coldness of the water as well as the softness of the grass beneath your feet. "Your eyes are beautiful" you whispered. Jason chuckled and mimicked your motions, stroking your skin with his rough fingertips which send shivers down your spin. Sighing you let your eyes flatter close and enjoyed the moment of intimacy. It felt like you knew him since forever that you had never been apart from one another. In those moments it felt like destiny. Opening your eyes slightly you looked at him again. "I love you." The words left your mouth without you realizing that you had spoken up. Jason's whole face lit up, his pure smile overpowering all of his other features. Still with one hand on your cheek he closed the distance between you two slowly, looking you in the eyes for the whole time. His lips brush over yours in an innocent tease that made your heart sped up. They were only millimeters away but still not close enough to touch completely. You yearned for more, only a few more inches. Jason's eyes got hazy, the peaceful lake surrounded by a wall of mist that had descended slowly from the woods to the edge of the water. And you were sure that your eyes were equally as hazy as his, full of want and desire. Seconds felt like eternity and before you couldn’t take it anymore you stood up on your tiptoes and met his lips in a sweet kiss. Wrapping your arms around his neck you pulled him close, not wanting anything to separate you two while Jason's one hand wandered from your face to the back of your neck and his other one to your waist, pulling you to him as well. That you had just escaped with him from the party didn't seem relevant anymore. That you were standing in a dark alley with only a few lights shinning down on you didn't bother you. That you had been so down before was forgotten, not important. Jason let you forget all your worries. When you two parted, your foreheads stayed connected, eyes locked at one and another. You felt his hot, choppy breaths on your lips and his hands holding you close. You saw the stars in his eyes and faintest hint of red on his cheeks. "I love you, too" he replied with his voice a mixture of husky and soft. He pushed a strand of your hair behind your ear, stroking over your soft skin again which made you hummed. "Thank you" you said in barley more than a whisper and with your eyes half closed. "For what?" he asked with a questioning glint in his eyes. "For being you" you answered, not moving one inch away from him. "For being by my side and giving me strength. For making me laugh even though I feel down. For seeing right through me and helping me overcome my fears. For supporting me and not judging me. For trusting and loving me." The smile on Jason's lips was happy and sad all in one. The water of the lake seemed to almost overflow but it was held back by the trees surrounding it. Neither of you spoke up again, you didn't have to, to understand the other. You knew what he was saying to you through his eyes and that was more than a thousand words could express. He just hugged you for a few seconds more, nuzzling his face in your hair before letting go of your waist and grabbing your hand instead. You shared one long last look of compassion before walking out of the alley and to his motorcycle together. Hand in hand and in silent understanding. The soft circles he drew on the back of it weren't left unnoticed.

[lethesomething]

2017 fic roundup

So I blatantly stole this meme from @themorninglark​. Feel free to make one for yourself, you writey people. I found it pretty helpful.

Because it's as good a time as any for some retrospective, and honestly, my writing can probably use some reflection.

my 2017 in fic writing

Total year-long word count: 287,599 Word count by fandom: Haikyuu!!: 241,726 Kuroko no Basket: 4,181 Boku no Hero Academia: 43,790 Original: 960

Fics completed: (I’m not going to do all of them, but these are notable)

The Lock, the Key and the Sacrifice (138,040 words): Haikyuu!!, a sprawling urban fantasy story and my first big fic (started in 2016, last third finished in 2017, but I’m counting the whole thing)

Monsters (45,038 words): Haikyuu!!, a rarepair TenSuga romance in a Vampire Yakuza Urban Goth Coffeeshop au. Because I can.

Chocolate Hearts (42,308 words): BNHA. A slow burn romance for Aizawa x Reader.

A Fairy-tale Haikyuu: Flash fic edition (497 words): The first time I tried my hand at flash fiction. Made for HQBrofest.

On villains and trust (888 words): BNHA. A serious attempt  to start a rarepair by writing fluff for Tokoyami x Shinsou

Thirst (596 words): BNHA. Poetic naked Aizawa.

Putting the rest under a cut for length

 Works-in-progress: My Girlfriend is a Goddess?!: Haikyuu!!, a gift for the Fantasy Exchange, which got out of hand completely. (we’re currently 52,280 words in)

 This year I wrote and posted: 10 fics

 Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted? Absolutely. Somewhere around August, I became Extremely Wordy, and now everything I write takes up way more space than anticipated. I'm still not sure what happened, but all those long ones up there, apart from The lock, the key and the sacrifice, were all written in the last half of the year.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? Tokoyami x Shinsou came out of nowhere and started out as a sort of joke with @leeva-z-kai​. I also never thought I'd be writing Aizawa reader inserts, but here we are. Considering my tastes in fictional characters, I should have probably seen that coming.

What’s your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest? I'm going to have to say The lock, the key and the sacrifice, for the sheer amount of time and effort I put into that, and for the immense sense of relief and satisfaction upon completing my first big project. I wrote a friggin book. That is a thing I did and I'm pretty proud of that.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them? I try to do new things to challenge myself with everything I write. I think the biggest risk I took, from a… fandom type side, is Monsters, because I knew from the very start that it definitely wouldn't be popular. It literally started as a way to prove to the world that you can dump several au's together, and then why not add a rarepair and lots of gore for good measure.

Your best story of this year: It's kinda hard to discern here between huge, enormous fics and the little ones, but, um, let's go with Thirst, because while that is very short, I like every single sentence in it.

Your most popular story of this year: Without a doubt Chocolate hearts. Still kinda reeling from the popularity of that one. I don't know if it was the timing, or the fact that the Aizawa is strong in the fandom, but it seems to have really hit a nerve.

Story of yours most under-appreciated by the universe, in your opinion: That which was not broken is one of the most personal stories I've ever written, which probably clouds my judgement. To a regular person I assume it's a cloying, angsty, almost teenager sentimental rarepair, and that's… fair. But it's currently sitting at 66 views and that's mildly disappointing.

Most fun story to write: Intersectional feminist mermaids. For the rather simple reason that I don't remember writing most of it. It's one of those 'chat lodged a story idea in my head' moments that I quickly typed out. I found the story months after initially writing it and then just finished it.

Story with the single sexiest moment: I've written surprisingly little smut this year. For some reason, my sexiest moments are mostly Aizawa, and he is just a lot better in soft, fluffy touches and understated movements and just… subtext than as straight up porn. So that whole scene with the hair in Thirst is Peak Sexy to me.

Most “Holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you" story: Yeah… Monsters. It has like… people-to-food factories and stuff. There’s a lot of weirdness in there.

Story that shifted your own perceptions of the characters: On Villains and Trust was a lot of fun, because I wrote it almost on a dare and I'd never considered those characters in that setting. The thing with writing rarepair is that if you do it well enough, those two characters suddenly look like they're made for each other. So that happened…

Hardest story to write: I struggled a lot with Monsters, but I think I'm currently struggling more with My Girlfriend is a Goddess!?, so I'll pick that because it's fresh in my mind. It has something to do with how hard I find it to focus on a specific set of characters, and to find the balance between telling too much of their mundane life, and telling too little.

Biggest surprise: Considering Chocolate Hearts was mostly written in a fever dream, a random flash of inspiration that pushed actual, planned fics out of the way, I wasn't really expecting it to go down as well as it did. The near daily feedback and the full blast of emotions from the people in the comments was incredible.

Biggest disappointment: This is gonna sound stupid. But after having one fic that was really warmly welcomed, the gap that came after Chocolate Hearts was… difficult. Like, I'm used to fics getting a hundred or a couple hundred views, and a few comments from friends and the occasional wanderer. But after seeing what Could Be, it was hard to go back to life as normal. So while I realize that because of the timing, or the fandom, or the subject matter, I shouldn't expect too much from some fics, the reception of Monsters, and especially My Girlfriend is a Goddess?! has been… disappointing.

Most unintentionally telling story: I suppose That which was not broken was an intentionally telling story. So let's go with A man walks into a bar, because I never realized how big my personal need is to write a ridiculous space opera.

Favorite opening line(s): He drinks his coffee black.  (from Monsters)

Favorite closing line(s): It had been two years, but Akaashi still painted any new men he met with the same brush, only to find that the picture wasn’t as beautiful as Kuroo’s. (from That which was not broken)

It holds promises of friendly conversation and creativity and maybe, just a little bit, of adventure.(from The lock, the key and the sacrifice)

Favorite 5 line(s) from anywhere:

Cheese crackers, also, because everyone likes those, even mermaids. (from A fairytale)

Tortugan native beer was only 'beer’ because they changed the definition of the word for marketing purposes. The tortugans didn’t so much brew, as drink rocks. Literally. They dissolved minerals into water to get high. Unsurprisingly, it tasted like dirt. (from A man walks into a bar)

« He nodded and said 'I understand', » he went on. « And then we agreed that he doesn't ask questions and I don't tell him things that could cause an existential crisis for an experimental physicist. »(from My Girlfriend is a Goddess?!)

His skin is flushed, heat turning it a shade darker than normal, and the low light raises up his scars, turning them into islands of gold in a pool of vermilion.(from Thirst)

Semi Eita, 1,8 metres of undiluted sex appeal, folds his arms and looks around the coffee shop with a small pout.(from Monsters)

Top 5 scenes from anywhere you would choose to have illustrated:

Kageyama Tobio on the world's creepiest beach, being a badass (in The lock, the key and the sacrifice)

The elaborate, alt Venetian feast, full of gaudily costumed people twirling around to music, like cogs in an overstuffed clock, would make a pretty picture, I think. (from The Golden God)

The flashback scene to Aizawa's graduation party, partly because of the sheer cringiness, and partly because hey, it’s a party under fairy lights. (in Chocolate Hearts)

Tendou fighting Iwaizumi in an abandoned homeless camp is one scene I wrote almost exclusively for the visual (in Monsters)

Bokuto and Akaashi at work in a mirrored attic feels like it would look really cool (in My Girlfriend is a Goddess?!)

 Fic-writing goals for next year:

I’m trying very hard to understand my own fic writing. I've written a lot this year, like a LOT, (probably too much, if I’m honest, not even counting the meta and the analyses and stuff) and I can feel myself evolving, but I have no idea where I’m going and why certain things work, and other things don't. So that’s something to figure out.

My main goal, I think, is to start writing slower again. I feel like I’m just more pleased with works that have been given the time to ripen, to stew a bit. Pacing, if you will.