#genuinely I can't even describe in words how this episode makes me feel like. its indescribleable

[br1ghtestlight]

How's it going? What are you guys talking about? Hello? Hello???

[d3sertdream3r]

I've been loving trop this season!! I am wondering how the whole SauronxGaladriel thing is going to play out though I'm nervous it won't be very satisfying with everything they've built up and all the marketing hype it's gotten. I'm worried they're baiting shippers to get more people to watch. Thoughts?

Oh boy, I have MANY thoughts!

I am absolutely DEVOURING this season, anon! The first episode in particular really blew me away. As a Saurondriel/Haladriel shipper, I thought all the direct parallels shown in Sauron and Galadriel’s journeys were PERFECT! 

I was worried they were going to retcon Sauron’s genuine feelings of despair and questioning if he should “repent” or not due to the amount of hate and toxicity from the usual suspects on the internet. Instead they really leaned into it, and I loved seeing The Dark Lord having nightmares. It’s a side of him we’ve never seen explored before! And that Annatar reveal… holy moly! Celebrimbor and I were both like: 

Galadriel has been breaking my heart in each episode. Elrond and Gil-Galad need to give my girl a break! Morfydd Clark’s acting is stellar. She is so heartbroken over not recognizing Sauron for who he truly was and even worse… catching feelings for him! She’s really going through it and it hurts, but it’s also brilliant on the writers’ part. 

Everyone else’s acting and stories are great too. Arondir was a favorite of mine last season and continues to be this season. Disa is FANTASTIC and I love her and Durin so much there aren’t any words to describe it. Isildur and Estrid are cute and I’m interested to see how their story plays out. I hardcore ship Elendil and Miriel, and his daughter needs to take a seat before she helps Pharazon destroy their home! I know the story, but MAN was it killing me to see how Eärien is contributing to its downfall in this show (in a good way… I think having her be involved with the opposite side of her father makes for great drama). 

As to the second part of your ask… I have been involved in many online fandoms for about 13 years now, and I gotta say that 98% of the time fans come up with way more interesting storylines than the creators of any show. A lot of the time they just don't deliver. I’ve been burned over and over again, so my bar is pretty low at this point. 

They’ve done a fabulous job with the Saurondriel dynamic so far, and I’ve seen some really interesting fan theories about Galadriel briefly joining Sauron or being taken prisoner by him. As truly fascinating as that would be, I’m not holding my breath. I think it’ll be a rehash of season one’s ending with more violence since they have swords this time around. After that, I’m guessing they’ll focus on Sauron gaslighting, gatekeeping, and girlbossing his way to the throne of hell while Galadriel and company work together to stop him. They’ve hinted at Celeborn a bit, I’m sure we’ll see them reunited at some point. 

I’m sorry if this isn’t very reassuring! I wish I could be more optimistic about Saurondriel in season 3, but I honestly don’t think Tolkien’s estate would go for Galadriel falling to the dark side in any capacity. Sauron taking her prisoner could happen, but I highly doubt it simply because as I said before, fans tend to have better ideas than a lot of creators in my opinion.

I could be completely wrong! I have just learned not to trust creators to handle things the BEST way, but that doesn't mean it won't be handled in a GOOD way. Hopefully that makes sense, lol. I think some people will be satisfied and some people won't, just like every other story. The shippy photoshoots and marketing have been delightful! I can't tell if they're baiting until I see the last episode. I think they were just having fun, but some comments from cast and creators would definitely seem a bit baity if the payoff is underwhelming. We'll see!

I really hope the season goes out with a bang and we all have something to love about it; especially Saurondriel shippers!

[shortpplfedup]

Tomorrow's a big day for me so I of course woke up in the middle of the night in a spiral and can't get back to sleep, so I'm gonna try to get out some thoughts I've been having about chemistry and sexuality on screen, especially in the stuff I've been watching lately.

When I'm referring to sexuality here, I'm most often not referring to sexual identity, but to how characters experience sexual desire and respond sexually to each other, which is directly related to ideas of onscreen 'chemistry' as it's seen and judged by audiences. I see chemistry often conflated with heat levels by audiences as well, and I definitely think those are two separate things. This is a thing that's been coming up for me over and over again in the BL space as I find myself...let's say often not into the pairs that others are into, and more into pairs that others don't see as having chemistry. I'll also I guess come out here and say I've been on my own journey of discovery recently, realising I'm acespec, very likely demi, and alongside that (because as I've mentioned often both here and on @the-conversation-pod that I process my feelings through media) thinking about how I bring that lens I didn't even know I was looking through to my analysis of The Stories™️.

@absolutebl has written a lot about their 3 dimensions of good chemistry as physical, emotional and intellectual, and I've found that to be a useful frame. I tend to use 'vibes' a lot to describe what I feel in character interactions, because a vibe between people is such a specific and personal thing for me, and sometimes resists more objective and perhaps useful explanation. 'Vibes' also mirrors my own experience of sex, romance and attraction. To use ABL's frame: physical, emotional and intellectual dimensions of attraction/chemistry are just inseparable for me. And perhaps most importantly for the way I view sexuality on screen: physical attraction is driven for me by intellectual and/or emotional attraction, but never the other way around. In other words, I can see how being intrigued by a person or emotionally invested can make you horny for them, but horniness on its own, while fun to watch, is not really something I get.

Right, with all that preamble out of the way, here are some recent characters and pairs I've found myself really feeling the vibes on that I thought were maybe misunderstood.

Kawi, Be My Favourite

Even when Krist does the work to beat the 'bad actor' allegations it seems he can't catch a break...lol. Kawi is the character who finally compelled me to write this, because I think Krist was doing some great subtle work on emotional attraction and sexual discovery via emotion that got lost in a Disk Horse stampede based on a throwaway line from a secondary character. Kawi had to have feelings for Pisaeng, and then think about what that meant, in order to reach a place of sexual desire. And then that desire didn't look like desire is expected to look, and so its genuineness was questioned. Audiences don't generally see fondness and deep affection as 'sexy', or accept sexual desire as something one has to think about. But I truly appreciated seeing Kawi take this particular journey towards having sex with Pisaeng and having a clearly joyous experience once he got there. The chemistry these two have isn't 'hot' but it is very grounded and emotionally resonant and I found it very affecting to watch.

Cher, A Boss and A Babe

I mentioned on the pod when we talked about ABAAB last season that I very much enjoyed Cher's journey of sexual discovery from 'do I like this?' the first time he and Gun kiss progressing through 'I think I like this' and 'I definitely like this' and eventually to 'gimme dat body' when they have what I called 'married sex' near the end of the show. @bengiyo mentioned on this same episode liking that Cher has to try out physical intimacy with Gun multiple times to determine how he feels about it, and I agree. That's a very undiscussed paradigm, that sex is often not immediately enjoyable/desirable, and wanting to try again because you're still not really sure isn't a bad thing. Their big final sex scene is another scene that isn't 'hot', but there is a very specific and deliberate heat in Cher's eyes when he undresses Gun and looks at his body that sells the physical dimension of their chemistry.

Ray/Sand, Only Friends

I enjoy how grungy and unromantic the sex is on Only Friends because that's how a lot of casual sex actually is. These people are mostly getting their rocks off, not really falling in love or even connecting emotionally or intellectually...except for Sand and Ray. Sand is the kind of man who probably feeds stray cats, so he finds Ray intriguing despite knowing he's a disaster area. Ray is desperate to feel something other than the void inside himself, and he likes the way Sand spars with him. Neither of them is really horny for each other in the traditional sense, and the sex is almost rote in its progression but was definitely fire for the two of them regardless because of the intellectual stimulation driving it. Alas their minds can't fuck, so their bodies will have to suffice.

Basically, people wanting to inhale each other is definitely fun to watch, I'll grant that, but I like getting to explore different kinds of functional sexuality and chemistry on screen, and don't buy a lot of the 'no chemistry' reads.

[crazylil-lion]

Yes 🥰!! Aww thank you for sharing that. I understand that it’s not toxic and you need that reassurance! I wanna hear more about what you want/need in a relationship if that’s okay🤗💟

I need someone who's understanding of my struggles with bpd.

The truth is they need to be willing to learn about it. They need to listen to me when I explain my triggers and not dismiss them.

An example is leaving me on read for long time.

If you are busy say so. If you can't talk say hey we can talk in a few hours. Or I'm at work we can talk after.

I need clear consistent communication.

I do overreact. I will break down and cry and ask why someone hates me give a list of ridiculous reasons but its not to be manipulative.

Its genuinely how I feel. Responding with 1 word responses constantly or just acting uninterested in what I say or when I'm talking how I feel. That triggers me.

Normally if I go into an episode and start freaking out all I need is reassurance and someone to listen.

Things like "I may not understand exactly how you feel but I want to."

"I love and care about you so please talk to me. Tell me how you feel and what may have triggered it. "

I try to be very clear. I say hey when you said this x. It made me feel angry, sad, abandoned or whatever. I fully realize it wasn't the intention but my brain does not recognize it. And I will feel with 1000x intensity the emotion I am describing regardless of it being a valid reaction.

I need someone okay with me being clingy. I need someone who WANTS to spend their time with me not treat it as a burden.

I will text 10 times while you are at work. I don't expect a response right away but I do want them to read it afterwards and talk to me about it.

I want someone possessive over me. It gives me security. It makes me feel a small sense of safety when someone calls me theirs.

It makes me happy to be owned by someone. To be their prized possession.

I also need someone to understand my struggles with self harm. The scary truth is if someone blows up at me for my episode. If they invalidated and get mad at me. I will most likely cut.

Because I internalize most emotions. My brain is 3 people constantly screaming and me trying to navigate all of it.

So when I say that I need someone who wont just leave in an argument or disagreement I mean that.

Even on days I have bad episodes.

I'm so fucking angry at myself all I can think about is extremely violent ways of hurting myself.

Sometimes I black out. Sorta. Like I'm there but not there. I'm on auto pilot begging myself to stop.

I just need someone to really try. To make me feel loved and safe.

Honestly if someone trys to meet my needs and is willing to grow and learn together I'd do anything for them.

I love intensely. I will wanna follow you around just to spend time together. I will write random paragraphs about why I love you and appreciate you and how much you make me happy.

To some, it's smothering but I need someone to return my effort or at least try.

Tbh I'm sure I could go on. I'm a needy bitch tbh😂😂😂

Thank you for asking nony. Ily

[rorykillmore]

tbh i found while the ending was pretty dissatisfying i always thought ke was meant to be a tragedy? (although i for sure thought they were going to kill eachother with the line where eve says they'd tear eachother apart before they got old.) i'm honestly just really curious as to why a lot of the fandom thinks they were gonna run away together? i'd love to hear your thoughts cause i really don't think the writers were being malicious, it was just a poorly executed tragedy ending that could use some work i think

alright i'm sorry if this is a messy response, i feel i'm doing worse the longer i sit with this unfortunately. but i think it's a combination of things much, much more complex than "the fandom wanted a happy ending". i'll try to break down my main thoughts on why it upset so many people.

1) the choice to keep villanelle and eve apart until the last minute, again and again and again. it's frankly narratively inexplicable, reeks of suspicious executive meddling, and even in this most recent episode with the two of them spending the majority of their time together, you could tell that the writers weren't really sure how to write them actually talking to each other. there's so much that hasn't been explored or brought to a close between them that the ending feels unresolved and unearned and sudden. and it also unfortunately echoes a pretty common reoccurrence in wlw "bury your gays" fiction where... the women aren't allowed to get together until the very last minute, and then the instant they're happy, one of them dies.

2) following that, the choice TO make the tone of the episode so happy and romcom-y leading up to the ending. i understand that they were trying to give closure to the fans here, but it's... oof. back to the "bury your gays" thing, it leaves me kind of incredulous that the gay writers in the room weren't aware of (or perhaps just weren't listened to, i don't know) the sort of trauma they were retreading there. idk if i'm in the headspace to put this into better words right now, but there is at the end of the day a deeply unfortunate pattern of [showing queer people happy and in love] [pulling the rug out from under them with sudden, visceral violence] that was bound to trigger a lot of people (especially because the happiness itself was SO abrupt).

3) the method of killing villanelle and the overall tone just left a bitter taste in everyone's mouths. there's nothing epic or climactic about it. it's sudden and tacked on and utterly anticlimactic to her character. and it feels viciously punishing to eve's character in a way that has some unfortunate implications (and even disregarding that, it's silly to think that anyone watches this show to see the characters get "punished"). any emotional meaning or narrative purpose was stripped from the scene seemingly in sole favor of the weird baptism metaphor they wanted to do.

4) i don't even think i would necessarily agree that killing eve is a tragedy. it's comedic, it's triumphant, it's about agency, it's about reveling in watching women get away with things they shouldn't get away with. it's not about karma or moralizing. it's VIOLENT, yes, and a violent ending was always on the table, but for the reasons i've described above (& plenty more honestly that i just can't articulate right now) it was the wrong wrong wrong execution. i genuinely don't think killing eve is the kind of show that should've ended in a way that leaves people feeling like shit. if it was going to kill off its main characters, it should've been glorious and it should have had meaning and there should have been some agency in it.

[kexing]

I just can't even put into words how amazing this show already is its just out of the world I never expected them to really focus so much on political views and what is right and wrong and also manage to perfectly fit in romance?

gosh it's breaking my heart that more ppl aren't talking about it or they're "waiting to start it later" I know it's been only two episodes but they're just SO AMAZING that it's absolutely insane that ppl keep complaining about wanting bls with more interesting plots and stuff yet then just ignore it when they get one handed on golden plate?

RIGHT???? i’ve been searching all over my head for WORDS to describe this show and yet the Only one that seems to really come to me right now is: harmonious

everything blends in SO well together it’s actually insane?

like. it has a STUNNING cinematography but it’s not just pretty for the sake of it, it serves a purpose to the story, it sets the mood, this drama FEELS like a riot

the soundtrack makes me feel like that tweet “headphones aren’t enough, i need music inside my head” I WISH I COULD HAVE THE OST OF NOT ME PLAYING INSIDE MY HEAD ALL THE TIME. IT’S JUST THAT GOOD

and then again, it serves the show SO WELL. like every song was designed for every scene. the mood is Perfect

and they really are adding more and more political commentary. i thought it wouldn’t have space for the romance and i was actually fine with it

BUT THE WAY SEAN IS WRITTEN MAKES ME FERAL??? like we still don’t know how much he knows or who he’s actually crushing on here but still it’s just so good???? you can feel that he cares deeply and i think off is doing a good job of showing this warm side that sean has. idk he just genuinely feels like a good guy to me and it makes me go !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

offgun is just so on point in this!! and yeah, they have years of work together so it’s like they naturally fall into place with one another here as well

yeah i’m not sure this was the right time for gmm to release the show. since i am dying to watch more i’m not gonna complain but it is sad that it’s not getting the attention it deserves :(

i agree. i know that some people have their reasons to not watch it and i understand having doubts because it’s gmm but idk i have faith this is going to be good and i want bls with different plots so i’m gonna support the hell out of not me!!

[bumblingbee1]

A list of animes I have watched, along with a 1-2 liner review (yes this is in order I watched them lol. I kept track) :

•School Rumble: Just a tropey highschool anime that honestly made for a great introduction to anime for me, but it's honestly not the most amazing. You'd have to be into the highschool genre.

•Fullmetal Alchemist: You know this one :)

•Hetalia: Literal Hell.

•Yowamushi Pedal: Biking anime that has great set of characters and an enjoyable storyline.

•Tokyo Ghoul: Depressing or infuriating with no in between. I'm not kidding, the fandom feels this way too.

•Nanatsu no Taizai/The Seven Deadly Sins: Lots of unique and memorable characters in between its slightly creepy moments. Great twist on the classic Sins trope, and the soundtrack is done by the same guy who did AoT (which is the reason I keep watching).

•Attack on Titan: lol

•Ghost in the Shell: Classic movie well-known among the older anime generation, and worth a watch despite its age beginning to show. Don't watch the Scarlet Johansson one though, no one wanted that and no one liked that.

•The Dragon Dentist: Extremely underrated little gem and one of the most memorable ones on this list for me!!!

•Grave of the Fireflies: Cost some arms and legs and I shouldn't be making fun of that. You can't get much better quality movies than Studio Ghibli.

•Black Butler: Information for laughs in the totally Victorian time period. If you watch it, don't get too involved with the fandom for sanity's sake.

•Yuri!!! on Ice: It's just yaoi but on ice and it's very good, even from an aro perspective.

•Death Note: Slow burn has never felt slower until the climax, and yet somehow it keeps you watching.

•Death Parade: THE BEST SOUNDTRACK IMO and the best anime despite being dropped and left incomplete. Definitely check out the single AMV as well!

•Your Lie in April: I hated this anime save for the music, but a lot of other people like as it fits into the highschool comedy genre.

•Gunslinger Girl: Cute girls, hot guys; another classic anime that's very memorable despite it's slow paced story.

•Garden of Words: Bit of a weird romance movie, but it's known for its animation quality, and the soundtrack is absolutely incredible.

•Amnesia: Not One Direction in the slightest, because it's a harem; I didn't finish this one--it was too creepy.

•One Punch Man: This is like AoT if it had more comedy and was on steroids. Which is a weird comparison, but I have no idea how to describe this anime because it's on it's own awesome level.

•Devil is a Part-Timer!: Dumb fun comedy that I already mentioned to you.

•Dance With Devils!: It's a harem with more sexual harassment than Amnesia, so don't watch it unless you like harems.

•Nodame Cantabile: This is just Your Lie in April but in college, and it's SO. GOOD. because it takes its time and doesn't have the shitty slapstick YLiA uses.

•Blue Exorcist: My sister loves this one; I didn't finish it due to school, but it's a good story!

•A Silent Voice: Depressing romance movie that 100% deserved an academy award.

•Loki Ragnarok: I genuinely don't remember anything from this except for Loki and a creepy doll from the first episode, which goes to show how memorable this one was.

•Neon Evangelion Genesis: Another classic worth a watch. It's very slow paced and its age shows quite a bit, but it's a bit like FMA in the sense that it doesn't really fit the genres it's put in, but rather builds on them.

•Violet Evergarden: Yet another classic which I've talked to you about.

•Holmes of Kyoto: I watched this on the flight back from Japan. I genuinely do not remember anything from it, so not the greatest indication, but it was a fun time killer.

•Hellsing (and Hellsing Ultimate): Levi would be put to shame with the action. Hellsing doesn't have the best ending--Ultimate being far favored--but both can be enjoyed on their own (And if nothing else, this should be watched simply for the Hellsing: Abridged series on YouTube).

•Supernatural: The Anime: Don't ever watch this.

•Lelouch of the Rebellion: Like I said, I remember nothing except that one girl was really hot.

Among the listed, I've watched: A Silent Voice and Death Note

Fullmetal Alchemist is on my watchlist at the moment, but I will add the recommended ones to it as well

The last two are sending me 😂😂

[bogprincess-kira]

Also, skekZok. Can't separate the bros.

SkekZok the Ritual-Master

Why I like them

RA RA RASPUTÍN, LOVER OF THE RUSSIAN QUEEN-

legitimately though, I love his design and how over-the-top Dramatic Evil™ he is. He constrasts well when you look at skekGra's even more theatrical behavior. Plus, he can play the deadpan bystander role, too! Always great for comedic scenes, especially since he's such a despicable asshole that you don't feel bad when the joke or bit falls at his expense.

Also, I just like characters who enjoy the "scary" hobbies, since it offers a little more variety than "this guy likes art, this guy likes soccer, this guy likes singing", etc... The idea of Zok's knife collection is interesting, for example.

Why I don’t

As for things that don't also pertain to the other Skeksis... The "vigor" scene. Hilarious line, perfect delivery, disturbing context. Enough said.

Favorite episode (scene if movie)

This is less because of Zok, and more because of who he's playing off of, but definitely the Unamoth-snacking scene! The Skeksis puppets are incredibly expressive, and scenes like that definitely help show it off. The Gelfling puppets, like Mayrin, still feel a little Uncanny Valley to me - possibly why so many people in the fanbase like the villainous Skeksis, rather than the Gelfling heroes? - but it works well anyway, especially with their more nuanced expressions, and the Look™ Mayrin gets. That's what I call high-tech puppetry!

Favorite season/movie

Season 1 of AoR. He was good in the movie, but didn't have much of a distinct personality, in my opinion.

Favorite line

["What's wrong with that one's face?"] "I think it's just old."

look who's talking, Lord Horseshoe-Crab Teeth

Favorite outfit

The spa scene was pretty "meh" for me - Aughra was the best in that, so the rest kinda fades to the background - but Zok's vaguely triangle-shaped robe is p funny.

Otherwise, just his regular robes - notably, the red fabric lining the inside. It contrasts well.

OTP

Again, SoVarZok is a major rarepair (... raretrio?) of mine. I feel like So needs somebody to keep him in check, with how easily he might talk down to Var; Zok would be very useful for keeping the General's spirits up, I think, even when the Emperor acts cold towards him.

... Also, Zok likes a man with a high pain tolerance. Just gonna leave that there.

Brotp

Once again, Zok has a close bond with skekSo - one that they've been building up ever since they were exiled as Urskeks. It was rough at first, and they despised each other in the beginning, but by the Second Great Conjunction and the Split, they had already pushed through and cultivated an alliance that could've withstood the test of an eternity.

... Could've.

But death doesn't care about loyalty. 

Head Canon

Zok didn't just want the throne in the movie for power's sake; he wanted it to carry on where So left off.

The dying Emperor likely made him swear upon his "free" life - as in, free from the Urru and Unity - that he would never lose sight or give up... But he would've done it with or without So telling him to. He doesn't like many people, but the few that he respects, he will give anything for.

Unpopular opinion

Not sure if this is an "unpopular opinion", but I do think he genuinely believes the teachings of his cult, and holds himself to its standards. Those aren't very good standards, true, but he's sticking to them.

... Also, I really, really dislike seeing him characterized as an aggressive creep. I know it's canon, it just makes me hella uncomfortable, so I don't """"write"""" (cough cough I haven't written fic in years cough) him the same way - still annoyingly blatant about his "interests", and it still ends up as other people's problem a lot, but not intentionally, and not maliciously. In this case, sadism takes a wildly different form for him depending on the context, and it's not nearly as brutal towards people he's attracted to. So, yeah, that's how I reconciled that

A wish

... More goofs? More goofs.

Preferably, ones that involve Gelfling, Podling and/or GRUENAK revenge

An oh-god-please-don’t-ever-happen

hey old man stop creeping

5 words to best describe them

Ra-Ra-Rasputin, Russia's Greatest Love Machine wait I already made that joke uhhhh

Intimidating / Gaudy / Sadistic / Melodramatic / Comedic

My nickname for them

Again, I mostly just call him by his name without the "skek" prefix, or by his title.

Unsurprisingly, I also sometimes call him Rasputin... And also, a few jokes at his expense that would get this post flagged immediately. I do a lot of Discord ranting.

[slingsendarrows]

My First Drake Album

Nicholas Rodney Drake was born June 19, 1948, and died 26 years later after ingesting approximately 30 amitriptyline pills. It was ruled a suicide. Nick Drake was an English singer-songwriter whose acoustic guitar songs navigated the tumultuous and oft-misunderstood travails of living with depression. His music was not popular while he lived but has since garnered worldwide recognition and critical acclaim in the years since. 

I discovered Nick Drake and his music after a traumatic experience. Those around me, charged with my care, my built-in support system (or so I thought), did not see it that way, so I was forced to seek other ways to trek along this new, unfamiliar, and terrifying path. 

Music allows me to understand complicated things, and in turn, I recognize myself. It has been that way for as long as I can remember. It was the same the instant I discovered Nick Drake, Cat Power, and the Elliot Smith types of the world, delving into and exploring the deep well of my sorrow. There is something incredibly self-indulgent about pain and suffering. It is fundamentally personal, subjective, and selfish, but surrounded by an entitled sense of affecting a world larger than ourselves; it embodies all our pain, even if that particular experience is uniquely our own. And so it is with Nick. He gave my experience words I could not articulate to myself, let alone others.

I was recently having coffee with a friend and at one point explained how living with depression has required I disengage with some people in my life. His first question, "What are you depressed about?" I hate this question. I hate it because it requires a definite answer as if I can carefully and comprehensively explain what it means to live with depression in a few short sentences encompassing the reality of it, all while holding my breath hoping what I say is clearly understood. I hate it because it is all too common. I know why it is common--because depression is difficult to explain; it is personal and universal. Personal because it happens to the individual; universal in that it happens to many individuals, more than 300 million of us according to the World Health Organization. So, is it naive to desire a succinct, identifiable, and generalizable reason? Maybe not. But I don't have one.

All I can do is borrow the words of a poet whose art helps me understand my depression, at least in part. 

Nick Drake was signed to a record deal at 20 and released three albums, Five Leaves Left (1969), Byter Layter and Pink Moon (1972), and the posthumous box-set Fruit Tree (1979).  While living, Nick did not promote his music and was reluctant to give interviews. Neither of his albums sold more than 5,000 copies upon initial release, and all we have of the artist are his music and still photographs. These sparse facts make me both sad and content. Part of me feels he never wanted to give us more than his music, and for me, it's enough. It has to be enough. It is more than enough. 

So much can be said about the artist and his art. Five Leaves Later is a deeply personal and raw poetic exercise of a man wrestling with his creation and what it means to hold oneself sacred when the world requires you expose more than you're willing for global recognition of said art. 

Beginning with "Time Has Told Me," he laments, Time has told me/ You're a rare, rare find/ A troubled cure/ For a troubled mind/ And time has told me/ Not to ask for more/ Someday our ocean will find its shore. Drake is deeply self-aware of the struggles within his mind. He succumbs to the reality that while his troubled mind is a gift, it is a "troubled cure." It allows him to see clearly with no indication as to how it can be any different. Depression feels much the same. In the darkest moments, you achieve hopeless clarity. You know what is happening to you. You're viscerally aware of how your mind is attacking the rest of your being and understand the physiological effects manifesting, but you don't stop it, you can't, your mind won't let you. A "troubled cure" indeed! 

Without a definitive answer to proffer, Drake merely suggests we learn to cope in this new reality instead: So leave the ways that are making you be/ What you don't want to be/ Leave the ways that are making you love/ What you really don't want to love. It is unfair to ask more of yourself than that, especially in the midst of a depressive episode (a singular beast unto itself). Talking it out with someone helps, but therapy is a privilege not all of us can afford. The best you can do is decipher how depression ails you in real tangible ways and work towards subverting actions that turn the picnic into a never-ending feast of abundance. 

My depression revels and thrives in isolation and despair. I have lived with it long enough to identify the stages of my Dementor infestation. First I had to give it an identity that is not me. I had to separate Nyasha from what J.K. Rowling describes as "the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places. They glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope and happiness out of the air around them[...]Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself--soul-less and evil. You'll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life."

My descent begins with isolation. I cut myself off from everyone and anything capable of giving me hope. My perfectionist-in-recovery leanings make it challenging to let people close to me know I am struggling so I deflect, I lie, or just disappear. I genuflect to my tormentors, and with that surrender, they infiltrate with the intensity of quelling a resistance that simply doesn't exist. They are here for everything; they will take everything, whether you give in willingly or put up a fight. Before naming my tormentor, throwing in the towel was just part of the deal. Why bother, right Eeyore? 

Next comes, avoidance. I call in sick to work more often than I should and with no strength to do anything about it, I let things fall apart. My apartment looks like a hoarders fantasy, dishes stacked in the sink become science experiments and I grow comfortable with the increasingly pungent reek of my body odour. I take Netflix bingeing to Olympic levels. I eat and eat and eat, to suppress the pain of my trauma, burying myself in pizza boxes, cinnamon rolls, potato chips and pot until all I can feel is my bloated and overly extended stomach. I berate myself for not having self-control, smoke more weed to induce indifference, wake up in regret, promise to do better, rinse and repeat. 

Over time I realized this was a roommate I would have to drag along to all the parties in spite of her feelings. So I made a plan to help me "leave the ways that are making me be who I really don't want to be": a miserable, fat, unhappy, sad person trying and failing to reverse-engineer their past. I cut certain people out of my life, read several self-help and psychology books (with care), started treating my body as if I gave a shit, even when I didn't, stopped chain-smoking pot, and most importantly, discovered CrossFit and the power of endorphins. CrossFit saved my life. At first, it was to quell the hunger to be loved and accepted by a man who did not see past my fatness, but now it is to survive and live to fight another day, hoping "someday our ocean will find its shore." Expecto Patronum!!

Two songs from Five Leaves Later have been constant companions on this journey, "Saturday Sun" and "Fruit Tree.” The oddity of living with my Dementor is how surprised we both are when confronted with a genuinely beautiful day. I mean a gorgeous, sun's bright, trees rustling to the soft breeze, blue skies kind of day. Depending on how long we've been companioning in our misery, we are more likely to close the curtains even harder and shut out the realness of life outside our wretchedness. How dare it shine so unabashedly and affront us with its glory? Doesn't our pain matter? Of course not, you self-indulgent sad person. It's the sun. It rises and sets. Sometimes the days are cloudy, bitter cold with rain and snow, but the sun still rises, as it as done since the dawn of time. It doesn't consider my individual circumstances. For it will be what the sun has always been: burning and shining, bright and perpetual. 

That is the sentiment of "Saturday Sun." Suddenly you're not feeling so bad. There is momentary reprieve; momentary because you've learned it is only a matter of time. You're confused when the Saturday sun [comes] early one morning/ In a sky so clear and blue/ Saturday sun came without warning/ So no-one knew what to do.  After living in the depths of despair for so long, you forget what it feels like to feel good. You are anxious when suddenly your ever-present roommate takes a day, or week, or a month off. She didn't leave a note, but you know she'll be back. Maybe it's when the meds finally kick in and/or your lifestyle changes are starting to take effect, and you can cope with some semblance of normalcy. 

In the light of day you remember the things you have neglected: the two Chopin concerts you paid for but didn't attend although you were dying to see Lang Lang, the numerous friend engagements you bailed on at the last minute, the phone calls that went unanswered, the dreams and goals deferred, and the countless failures to rally yourself. This sun has brought people and faces/ That didn't seem much in their day/ But when I remember those people and places/ They were really too good in their way/ In their way/ In their way/ Saturday won't come to see me today. You despair at all the time lost and wonder if you are meant to feel bad always, even on the seemingly good days when the rays of clarity reach your soul to remind you things are not all bad. 

I often gaze at reality through a veneer of misery. Realizing how things weren't as bad as I thought makes me feel sorry for having considered them that bad, to begin with. Am I making up my depression? Am I decadent in my despair? Is this just an act? What is wrong with me? That is the consuming aspect of depression. Reprieve is more work. Trying to hold on to it, knowing its a losing battle, and wondering if your defeatist attitude is the reason it is a losing battle. Maybe you're not trying hard enough. You think about stories with reason and rhyme/ Circling through your brain/ And think about people in their season and time/ Returning again and again/ And again/ And again/ but Saturday sun has turned to Sunday's rain. It is fucking relentless. 

"Fruit Tree" reads like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is an artist's individual understanding of fame and legacy. It is incredibly forward-thinking because Nick Drake died, I believe, understanding the value of his art yet somewhat resigned to the world not catching on until long after he was gone. Fame is but a fruit tree/ So very unsound/ It can never flourish/ 'Till its stock is in the ground/ So men of fame/ Can never find a way/ 'Til time has flown far from their dying day/ Forgotten while you're here/ Remembered for a while/ A much-updated ruin/ From a much-outdated style. Whether we yearn for conventional fame or to simply make our mark upon this world, legacy is a unique desire of the mortal. It is our final stand against death and lets the world know we were here, we mattered, we connected. I once read that immortality is achieved in the memories of those who remember us after we're gone. We are not truly dead until the last person who carries our memory dies with it. There is something both comforting and terrifying about that. We are remembered by our loved ones and the lives we've affected, knowingly and otherwise. But memory is fragile, subjective, and prone to manipulation. So how well is our legacy maintained? Does the remembrance bear a resemblance to who we really were? How we lived, loved, failed, triumphed, survived, endured, or were defeated? How can we ask so much when we begin to understand that to “err is human,” and we are all selective in what we remember, let alone how we remember it. 

"Fruit Tree" is a remarkably well-penned bookend to "Time Has Told Me." We shouldn't ask for more but live in gratitude of what has been given to us, and maybe that will lead us where all our struggling and fighting against the tide has been guiding us--to a place were" our ocean finds its shore." But still, we can't help but wonder what we leave behind, the parts of us that remain beyond the veil and our ability to curate and frame ourselves. When all that is left is what is remembered, how can we not worry about that too? 

Drake's response exposes the futility of these obsessive musings: Life is but a memory/ Happened long ago/ Theatre full of sadness/ For a long forgotten show/ Seems so easy/ Just to let it go on by/ 'Till you stop and wonder/ Why you never wondered why. Will the rooms of despair carry the memory of your trauma the way your body has? Probably not. Another soul will take residence there to tell their own story, cement their own legacy. I'm reminded of Alfred, Lord Tennyson's "The Charge of the Light Brigade," Not though the soldier knew/ Someone had blundered/ Theirs not to make reply/ Theirs not to reason why/ Theirs but to do and die/ Into the valley of Death/ Rode the six hundred. Theirs but to do and die.

Worrying about legacy after death seems futile when all we can do is live out our days, and hopefully, past the reeds of selfish thoughts, needs, and desires, we do some good that is not "interred with our bones." Maybe in death, we find an understanding of ourselves, our place, and our experiences. But there is no knowing until we go through it: Safe in the womb of an everlasting night/ You find the darkness can give the brightest light/ Safe in your place deep in the earth/ That's when they'll know what you were really worth. Or not, but what does it matter? You've done your part. You lived. You experienced things that made you, and for better or worse, you were here. 

Fruit tree, fruit tree/ No one knows you but the rain and the air/ Don't you worry/ They'll stand and stare when you're gone

Fruit tree, fruit tree/ Open your eyes to another year/ They'll all know/ That you were here when you're gone

I know you were here Nicholas Rodney Drake. Long before I was born, your ocean was making its way to my shore. I understand my depression better through your music and the intense vulnerability you bared. You bore fruit within my soul and allowed me to realize that while my struggles with mental health aren't unique, it does not make them irrelevant. I remember you. I see you, Fruit Tree. Keep blossoming!