#gina's art shenanigans

[anthrophobixx]

More old gravity falls stuff cuz ppl seem to like these :3

[skyedancer-rae]

A series of 4-panel comics featuring courtroom shenanigans roughly 2 years post TGAA.  (So no underage drinking here.)  If Barok can drink at every trial, the defense should get to try some of that wine at least once.  As a treat.

Short sequel featuring Susato finally getting an honest answer from the witness here.

Image description after the Keep reading:

All 4 images represent 4-panel comics.  The panels are described in order below.

1-1: Ryuunosuke & Susato stand to the left of the image, smiling at Kazuma, who stands to the right.  Ryuu has his hands on his hips while Susato holds a book.  Kazuma carries a box with a bottle of wine and two wine glasses under his left arm.

Ryuu: Oh, Kazuma.  What brings you here before the trial? Kazuma: I come bearing a gift from the prosecution.

1-2: Ryuu & Susato’s smiles grow wider.  Ryuu says, “Oh?  Am I finally getting that updated autopsy report I was promised?”  Meanwhile, Kazuma has set his box down on a side table with a blank expression.

1-3: Ryuu know holds the two wineglasses & Susato the bottle of wine.  Both stare at their new items with confusion.  Kazuma has crossed his arms, saying, “Here.”

1-4: A close-up of Kazuma’s face as he says, “Trust me. You’re going to need this during today’s trial.”  Off-panel, Ryuu says, “Kazuma, I really need that autopsy report.”

2-1:  Ryuu & Susato stand at the defense’s best, facing an unseen witness.  The wine bottle sits to Susato’s right while the glasses rest between them.  Susato has a blank expression while Ryuu stares slack-jawed at the witness.  Text in the upper right corner reads, “The worst witness bullshit Ryuunosuke has heard in his entire life.”

2-2: Susato turns to grab the bottle of wine, holding a corkscrew in her left hand.  Ryuu has turned toward the prosecution’s bench (not seen), gesturing toward the off-panel witness with both hands.

2-3: Kazuma & Barok stand at the prosecution’s bench.  Kazuma’s right arm is extended in the end of a sword swing, removing the cork from the bottle of wine that Barok is holding.  The cork spins through the air between them.  Two wineglasses rest of the bench before them.

2-4: Barok pours wine into one of the glasses.  As he does so, Kazuma gestures toward the wine with both hands, making eye contact with an off-panel Ryuunosuke.

3-1: Kazuma & Barok stand at the prosecution’s bench, drinking from their wineglasses.  A hand (Gina’s hand) reaches toward the bottle of wine from the left side of the picture.  Both prosecutors have glanced sideways toward the hand.

3-2: Gina is revealed to be the owner of the hand.  She has claimed the wine bottle and takes a large swig of it directly from the bottle.  Kazuma just watches her with raised brows while Barok scowls at her.

3-3: Cut back to Susato & Ryuu at the defense’s bench.  Ryuu is still gaping at the witness.  Text in the upper right reads, “Even MORE witness b.s.”  Susato holds out a glass of wine to Ryuu while taking a sip of her own drink.  She says, “Here, Naruhodou-san.”

3-4: Ryuu accepts the wineglass and takes a sip, saying “Thanks, Susato-san.”

4-1: Cut back to Gina, Barok, & Kazuma at the prosecution’s bench.  Text in the upper left corner reads, “The witness has been lying for five straight minutes.”  Gina, wearing an angry scowl, has seized the bottle of wine, holding it behind her hand as she winds up to throw it.  Both Barok & Kazuma look on with raised brows, still drinking.

4-2: Kazuma reaches out to grab the bottle from Gina, saying, “No.”

4-3: The panel zooms in to focus on Barok & Kazuma.  Kazuma, seething with fury, now holds the bottle behind him, winding up to throw it in a similar fashion to Gina in the previous two panels.  Barok looks forward like he’s facing the camera with an unamused look.

4-4: Barok reaches out with his free hand to grab the bottle and says, “NO.”

[ardenarts]

Hello! Your art is absolutely gorgeous. Like anytime I see one of your art posts, it cheers me up so much and I just continue thinking about it for a long while. I just wanted to ask you what shenanigans do you think the London gang get up to post-dgs2. Like, does Iris forcefully adopt Kazuma as her older brother? Do Kazuma and Gina make a good team? And most importantly, how would they bully Barok van Zieks? Stuff like that if you feel like talking about it.

okay anon where do i even START. this is so sweet and i saw it earlier today when i was in a rush and i had the fattest smile on my face. thank you so much 😭😭 i’m really glad to give something to look forward to!! that makes me so happy

i think iris adores kazuma and pulls him into the found family bc he deserves it. and gina and kazuma are absolute BESTIES. they make fun of each other but they also work together to annoy bvz constantly i think. they’d totally do those harmless yet extremely funny pranks like sticking an army of rubber ducks in his office and stuff like that

[kpopfanfictrash]

L is for Lunacy (M)

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: Jungkook / Reader

Rating: 18+

Genre: Established Relationship / Light Angst / Fluff

<< A FOLLOW-UP ONE SHOT TO THE ART OF WAR MORE >>

Synopsis: After two years of being sworn enemies (and 42,000 words of shenanigans), you and Jungkook had finally begun dating. As it turned out though, dating wasn’t any easier than coming up with the perfect witty retort to wipe the smirk from his face. When you came to the first Big Decision of the relationship, it was honestly anyone’s guess as to how things would go.  

Warnings: handcuffs (male + female), oral (male + female), very explicit dirty talk, degradation, semi-public making out, spanking, condom-less sex, cum play, things get soft (except Jungkook’s dick). Seokjin randomly procures invitations to formal events; no one really knows how.

Word Count: 15,790

Author’s Note: In order for this to make the most sense, I would recommend reading The Art of War More first! Thank you :)

“One thousand bottles of Smirnoff on the wall, one thousand bottles of Smirnoff!” sang Seokjin, wildly off-key. “Take one down, ice someone with it, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles of Smirnoff on the wall!”

As the bus jolted over a pothole, you were launched sideways to land on Jungkook’s thigh. His response was a grunt, steadying you with one hand – lingering longer than necessary on the small of your back.

When you looked at him, Jungkook wriggled both brows.

“Fine,” he sighed when you withdrew from his grasp. “Just know that my lap is always available seating.”

“For anyone?” Taehyung popped over the seat in front of you. “Or just for Y/N?”

Jungkook’s brow crinkled. “Why would you want to sit on my lap?”

“You have solid thighs.”

“He has a point,” you agreed.

Jungkook looked at Taehyung a moment, then you. “Only you on my lap, thanks. I don’t like the way he’s looking at me.”

Feigning outrage, Taehyung opened his mouth only for Seokjin to hit a high note at the back of the bus. All of you winced.

“How’d Seokjin get an invite to the hockey midseason banquet, anyways?” you wondered out loud. “He’s not even on the team.”

“I’ve long given up on asking pointless questions like that,” Jungkook said. “Seokjin’s going to go where he wants to go.”

“I guess.” You paused and then shrugged. “At least he decided to bring Gina as his date. Now we can all hang out together!”

Jungkook made a non-committal sound. “Is Gina still hooking up with Hobi? Surprised he was cool with her being Seokjin’s date.”

“No. That kind of fizzled,” you said, disappointed. “I don’t think he was ready for the whole boyfriend thing. Gina’s been kind of bummed, so hopefully tonight’s a good distraction.”

“Good thing distraction is Seokjin’s middle name.” Jungkook grinned. “Plus, I hear this hotel’s amazing. The banquet is being held on the fiftieth floor with this amazing view of the lake.”

Horrified, you stared. “Fiftieth floor? Sounds dangerous.”

“It’s all enclosed, babe.”

“Still. I wouldn’t put it past Taehyung to fall out.”

Taehyung popped back up over the seat. “You rang?” When Seokjin hit another high note, Taehyung winced and threw a crumpled-up tissue in his direction. “I swear to god, Jin!” he yelled. “If you sing one more annoying verse, the next tissue I throw won’t be clean!”

Seokjin immediately shut up, much to Gina’s laughter beside him.

Taehyung returned to you and Jungkook. “Anyways. What’d you say?”

“My girlfriend thinks you’re going to fall out of a window tonight,” Jungkook said cheerily. “Bets for or against?”

“Hm.” Taehyung considered. “I mean, it’s in my best interest to bet against me falling out, but what’re the odds?”

“Taehyung,” you laughed, reaching up to smack his arm. “Stop.”

“You didn’t say which window!” He shot you a grin. “I could just tumble from the first floor and make a fortune.”

“Well, now we know your plan,” Jungkook pointed out. “So, that’s out.”

Before Taehyung could respond, Gina plopped down in the seat across the aisle from you. Stretching both legs, she lifted her arms overhead.

“Hey, guys,” she yawned. “How much longer until we reach the hotel? I’m beat.”

“Half an hour. And maybe you wouldn’t be so tired if you hadn’t stayed up until 4:00 AM…” You gave her a pointed look.

“I had to! I was studying.”

“Oh?” You arched a brow. “And what about after that? When you were just re-watching old episodes of The Vampire Diaries?”

“Y/N.” Gina looked at you, appalled. “You can’t just end things right when Klaus shows up in Alaric’s body. I’m not a monster.”

“Clearly.”

With another large yawn, Gina settled into her seat. “What’s the plan for tonight, anyways? Do I have time to take a quick nap?”

“Depends on how long your naps are,” said Jungkook, leaning over. “We’re supposed to reach the hotel at 4:00 PM, check in and then have until 6:00 PM to get ready, which is when the banquet starts. You could probably sneak a nap in there.”

Grinning, you turned. “Look at you,” you cooed, poking his cheek. “Memorizing the schedule and everything.”

Jungkook’s cheeks turned faintly pink, but he seemed pleased with the praise.

“Aw.” Gina made a face. “Gross. Anyways,” she said, turning to Taehyung. “Where’s your date?”

Reluctantly, Namjoon popped his head over the seat. “Hey.”

When he appeared, Gina cracked up. “Wait – you’re Tae’s date? Hope you put out. I hear that’s expected at these things.”

“Really?” Taehyung arched a brow. “So, are you and Seokjin planning on doing the nasty?”

Gina made another face. “Don’t be revolting, Tae.”

“Huh?” Namjoon looked around in alarm. “What’re you talking about?”

“Bad timing,” Jungkook laughed. “Gina had just finished asking who Tae’s date was.”

“He came with Maria.” Namjoon pointed at the back of the bus. “She’s back there somewhere with Nichole.”

Gina glanced in the direction he pointed. “And how are you invited to hockey formal?” she asked, turning back. “Aren’t you like, afraid of sports, or something?”

Namjoon looked somewhat offended. “I’m not afraid of sports. I’m a student athletic manager! I have a place at this banquet, which is more than I can say about you and Seokjin. How’d you two get here?”

As they started arguing, you felt Jungkook stiffen beside you. Namjoon wasn’t the only student athletic manager for the men’s hockey team. Last year it was a guy named Luis, but he recently transferred to women’s soccer, sticking hockey with a new face. 

A familiar face. Park Jimin.

You happened to see him when you first boarded, settling the question of whether or not he would go. He had decided to go; he was here.

It had been almost three months since you’d found out about Jimin’s lie. Back in freshman year, you and Jungkook had flirted and made plans to hang out at a party one weekend. Jungkook had to bail and asked Jimin to tell you – which he then didn’t. The resulting spiral of miscommunication resulted in you and Jungkook being enemies for almost two years.

Obviously, it wasn’t entirely Jimin’s fault. At any point, you and Jungkook could’ve gotten over your pride and just talked to each other and cleared up the whole thing. Neither one of you did though, which let the dumb feud continue – it was Jimin’s lie which started it though, and that was a hard thing to forget.

It was also something you had yet to talk to Jimin about. When word went around campus that you and Jungkook had started dating, it could’ve been your imagination, but you saw less of Jimin after that. It seemed pretty clear he had been avoiding you.

He had seated himself as far away from you and Jungkook as possible; all the way at the back, where Seokjin was taken a seat. Based on his uncomfortable posture beside his date, you got the feeling Jimin was having second thoughts about coming.

Squeezing Jungkook’s thigh, you waited until he turned his head. Even if Jimin was here, you weren’t going to let him ruin your weekend.

“We ended up together,” you murmured, only loud enough for him to hear. Resting your head on his shoulder, you sighed. “It really doesn’t matter.”

“I know,” he said quietly. “I just… get so annoyed when I see him. If it weren’t for his lie, I could’ve been with you this whole time.”

“Maybe.”

Jungkook blinked. “Maybe?”

“Maybe,” you repeated, glancing up. “Or – maybe we would’ve both argued over something dumb and because we were young and immature, we would’ve broken up.”

Jungkook bit his lip. “But we’re still young and immature.”

“Touché. I’m just saying things happen the way they do a reason,” you added. “Or maybe they don’t, but you can’t change the past. What’s important is we’re together now.”

“I guess.”

Reaching for his hand, you entwined your fingers. “And more importantly – if you don’t stop sulking, you won’t get your present later.”

Jungkook perked up. “Present? You got me a gift?”

“Maybe. If you keep asking what it is though, you won’t get it.”

Mouth snapping shut, Jungkook stared out the window and you began to count down in your head. 5, 4, 3, 2 –

“So, is this present in addition to my Christmas gift?”

Bursting into laughter, you smacked his arm. “It’s just a fun gift, okay? You’ll see later tonight. Gosh, can’t a girl spoil her boyfriend?”

Jungkook’s gaze darkened, caught on a singular word. “A gift for tonight, tonight? Or for the banquet?”

“We’ll see,” you said smugly, sitting back.

“Y/N…”

His voice dropped an octave, sending a shiver down your spine which you pointedly ignored. Turning away, you faced towards the aisle.

“You could always take a nap now, Gina,” you offered. “Before we reach the hotel.”

“And have Seokjin take pictures of me drooling with my mouth open? No thanks,” Gina sniffed.

She was right. Seokjin would do that.

Taehyung popped back up over his seat. “Are you and Seokjin sharing a room?” he asked, curious.

“What’s with your weird, pervy interest in Seokjin and I? Unfortunately, yes,” Gina sighed, slouched low in her seat. “I’m too poor to afford the single room rate.”

Seokjin finally appeared over the seat back behind you. It seemed he had managed to convince Parnce to switch seats – something he’d been texting about in the group chat since you boarded over an hour ago.

“Hey!” he blurted, offended. “I’m a delightful roommate, I’ll have you know. I leave chocolates on the pillow and everything.”

“Seokjin, it’s a hotel,” you pointed on. “They already leave chocolates on the pillows.

“Shhh,” Seokjin said. “I’m trying to impress a date here.”

Gina threw her scarf at Seokjin’s head. “I’m only your date because no one else agreed to go!”

“That’s not true!” 

“Is so!”

“I mean, it’s kind of true,” Seokjin fake whispered to you, as though Gina couldn’t hear. “Allison and Elaine found out about each other.”

“Well, why did you keep them a secret?” you huffed. “No wonder you’re alone if you pull douchebag shit like that.”

“I didn’t keep them a secret!” Seokjin protested. “I told them both we weren’t exclusive, but…” Trailing off, he sighed. “What can I say? The ladies always want more.”

Another wadded up tissue hit Seokjin square in the face.

“Thanks, Tae!” Gina flopped back in her seat.

“There’s more where that came from,” Taehyung said, sitting down.

Seokjin stared in horror at the tissue on the floor. 

“Hey! That... that one wasn’t used, was it?”

Sliding her sunglasses onto her nose, Gina pretending to sleep as the bus descended back into chaos. 

Reaching out, Jungkook poked you in the side. “Seriously,” he whispered. “What’s my present?”

“Oh, would you look at that?” you said, sitting up straight. “There’s the hotel!”

Although Jungkook pouted, he allowed the conversation to be redirected and even helped gather your things off the bus.

As soon as you entered the revolving doors, you were immediately met with a blast of warmth from the lobby. You sighed in relief – and then came to a stop. Based on the lobby alone, this banquet was going to be fancy as fuck.

Jungkook had explained what the purpose of this banquet was once or twice, but you weren’t really listening at the time. Apparently the hockey team had a midseason and an end of season banquet. The midseason one tended to fall during their time off around finals, since it was one of the few times during on season when the players could drink.

“Whoa,” Seokjin breathed, coming to a stop alongside you. “I definitely didn’t pack nice enough underwear for this place.”

“Underwear?” Gina looked up in alarm. “Nobody’s going to be seeing your underwear this weekend, Seokjin. Except maybe the mirror.”

“I’ll know though,” he said. “Deep down, I’ll know I’m wearing cotton boxer-briefs instead of silk, like I should.”

Jungkook turned to face you. “Is that the present? Did you get me silk underwear?”

“No.”

“Did you get you silk underwear?”

“Still nope.”

“Huh.” Slightly deflated, Jungkook began to walk towards check-in. “I’m becoming less interested in what this present is.”

“Hey!” you laughed, punching his arm.

Check-in in was luckily fast – the hotel had set people aside for your group and before you knew it, you were loaded onto an elevator and pressing the button for the twentieth floor. Even though it wasn’t as high as fifty, you still warily eyed the panel.

“What?” Jungkook set his bag on the floor.

“Nothing.” You paused. “The windows all lock, right?”

“Oh my god.”

“I’m just saying! If Taehyung really fell from the twentieth floor, he would die.”

“Well, I guess Taehyung will just have to stay out of our bedroom, huh?”

Jungkook arched a brow when he spoke, gaze dark with something which made your skin tingle. Suddenly, the long hours of banquet ahead seemed like too much. It was fairly tempting for you to skip the whole thing and spend it in your hotel room with Jungkook. In bed.

The elevator dinged to announce your floor.

“This is us,” Jungkook said, grabbing your suitcase.

Slinging his duffel bag over one shoulder, Jungkook wheeled your suitcase out of the elevator. Your room was all the way at the end of the hall, past the ice machine and neon red exit sign. Dubiously, you glanced at this as you passed.

“If there were an actual emergency,” you said, slipping both arms around his waist to rest your head on his back. “Those stairs would be a death trap.”

“Hopefully there’s no emergency, then.” Jungkook pushed open the door. “Here we are.”

As you glanced over his shoulder, you froze. 

“Holy shit.”

Wandering forward, Jungkook set his bag on the floor. “What?” he asked, turning around. “Is there something wrong?”

Staring at the room, you somehow managed to close the door behind you. 

The space was airy, light and gorgeous. The décor was simple in that way which made you absolutely certain each item cost more than the entirety of your suitcase. Fluffy, white pillows were piled on a bed with an actual metal latticed headboard. Gauzy curtains covered the windows, and –

“Champagne?” you blurted, rushing forward. As you passed the front hall, you caught a glimpse of the closet. “And oh my god – robes. Robes, Jungkook! Plural!”

He grinned, watching you run about the room in excitement. “So, you like it?”

“Like it?” You came to a sudden stop, crystal champagne glass in hand. Realizing something, you frowned. “Wait, Jungkook. How the fuck did you afford this?”

“I came into some money overnight.”

“Sounds ominous.”

Jungkook grinned. “Actually, Seokjin’s Uncle got us a room as a favor. There’s no way I could’ve afforded this.”

Setting the champagne glass on the table, you scanned the room as you crossed to his side. “Not yet,” you teased. “Not until you make it big in the NHL. Then you’ll be able to afford all the presents for me!”

A shadow crossed Jungkook’s expression, gone before you could determine its source. He laughed, turning around and bent to unzip your suitcase. Lunging forward, you grabbed for his hand. 

“No peeking!” you scolded.

Jungkook froze and looked at you innocently. “Whoops.”

“Don’t ‘whoops’ me,” you said, slapping his wrist. Huffing, you pushed your suitcase into a corner. “You’ll get your present later. We’ve got to get ready for the banquet now.”

“That’s not for hours,” Jungkook whined, flopping down on the bed.

As soon as his ass hit the sheets, his t-shirt rode up to reveal a flat strip of abs. Momentarily distracted, you stared before you shook yourself free.

“Nice try, Jeon!” Spinning around on your heel, you entered the bathroom. This obviously prompted a new round of exclamations. (“Oh my god, there’s a heat rack for the towels!”)

An hour later, you were putting the finishing touches on your make-up while Jungkook changed in the next room. Taehyung had texted fifteen minutes prior and invited everyone to drinks in the lobby. Reading his text had made you laugh, since it made you all sound so grown-up and formal.

The entire event made you feel this way – as though you and Jungkook were two kids playing dress up. College was such a weird time. On the one hand, you lived on your own and were forced to make decisions about your future and on the other, you had barely reached legal drinking age.

College was a strange limbo of job interviews and beer pong in the same twenty-four-hour period. This, though – fixing your make-up while Jungkook changed in the next room – felt scarily adult.

Although you had only been dating for months, you could already see this becoming reality. The realization was startling, making you stare at yourself in the mirror.

“Hey, babe?” Jungkook called from the next room.

“Uh, yeah?”

Somewhat dazed, you screwed the cap on your mascara.

“When are you going to be done? I need to go to the bathroom.”

Sliding your make-up bag off the sink, you gave a final pat to your hair in the lights. Inspecting your face one final time, you turned in your robe and walked from the room.

“Coming!” 

The moment you exited the bathroom, you stopped in your tracks.

Jungkook had already gotten dressed and stood beside the window to survey the city. His hair was parted on one side, slightly slicked back with several loose strands hanging about his face. He was dressed in a suit – grey with a black shirt, and by far the fanciest outfit you’d ever seen him in.

Swallowing, you stood there for a moment while you eye-fucked your boyfriend.

Still facing the window, the corner of his mouth lifted. “Are you going to stand there watching me all night?”

“No,” you said loftily, entering the room. “I’m going to get dressed so we can go to the banquet, come back to this room and I can rip that suit off you.”

Jungkook turned, slightly dazed. “Fuck. Yes. That.”

He walked towards you, pausing his stride to brush a chaste kiss to your temple. Grabbing his lapel, you turned him towards you to press a kiss on his lips. Jungkook smiled, melting forward but before you take it any further, he pulled back.

“Oh, no you don’t,” he laughed, squeezing your waist before walking away. “If you kiss me like that, I won’t stop. And then I’ll definitely mess up your hair and we’ll never make it to the restaurant on time.”

Stepping into the bathroom, he shut the door.

You grinned, wandering further into the bedroom. Your dress still hung in the closet; you’d placed it there upon arrival. Thankfully, it didn’t wrinkle too much on the drive here.

“What if that’s what I want?” you called to him through the door. “We can skip the formal, stay here and just have sex.”

Jungkook remained quiet. He hated talking while either one of you was on the toilet – it was a whole thing with him, which resulted in your merciless teasing.

Slipping your dress from its hanger, you moved towards the mirror. "I'll take that as a yes, Jeon!" you said, glancing around for your shoes. "Stay silent if you want to skip the formal, hang out here and have crazy bunny sex."

After a moment, the toilet flushed and the sound of the sink turned on. 

Jungkook yelled back, "What's crazy bunny sex?"

Plopping down on the bed, you set your dress on the duvet. "You know!" you huffed, feeling around when a phone vibrated. "Don't rabbits have like, a crazy high sex drive? Where'd the phrase 'doing it like rabbits' come from?"

"As interested as I am in whatever hybrid fanfic you've dreamt up, maybe–"

Although Jungkook continued to talk, the sound of it faded when you unearthed his cell phone. A name flashed on the screen – BOB SUTHERLAND, which would've meant nothing to you except for the text message.

Hey, Jungkook! Thanks for finally returning my calls. There are a few NHL teams looking for a second-string center and–

The rest of the message was cut off, but it was enough for you to understand. You recognized the name Bob Sutherland. He was a recruiter for the NHL and a damn good one, if Taehyung's word was anything to go by. The fact that he wanted to scout Jungkook didn't surprise you, but it was surprising to hear Jungkook had returned his calls.

Staring at your phone, your heart began to beat a bit faster. Jungkook didn't want to go into the NHL now – did he?

The NHL, or the National Hockey League, was the end game for any hockey player. It was a mixed bag if players went into the league straight out of high school, played in lower leagues for a bit, or played in college until they got recruited. Even then, there were only so many good years an athlete had to play. It made sense for Jungkook to want to leave University for his dream job, but you hadn't thought it would happen so soon.

The sound of the bathroom door opening jerked you from your trance. Frantically tossing his phone to the bed, you grabbed your dress and stood to look around for your shoes.

Stepping into the hall, Jungkook smiled when he saw you. "Is that your dress?" he asked, spotting the fabric. "Are you gonna put it on? Can I watch?"

"I thought you said you didn't want to have sex," you said, forcing yourself to smile as you brushed past him.

"It's not that I don't want to have sex," he grumbled, fastening a cuff link. "It's just that if we did, there's no way in hell we'd make it on time."

Although you continued to smile, the contents of that text replayed in your mind. Exhaling lowly, you tried to push this aside. Jungkook would talk to you about it when he was ready. You couldn't fault him for being curious about graduating early. A lot of NHL and MLB players did it – it’s just, you had thought Jungkook wanted to finish his degree.

Shutting the bathroom door, you leaned your head to the wood and willed your thoughts to remain calm. It would be stupid to blow this out of proportion. You and Jungkook had only been dating for three months; it was too soon to expect him to tell you every little thing. Especially something so ambiguous as potential recruitment.

You two hadn't even said I love you to each other yet.

Jaw clenched, you looked at yourself in the mirror. Maybe that was why you were getting so worked up about this. It wasn't for lack of emotion you hadn't told Jungkook you loved him, but lack of courage. 

You did love him. You had for weeks, maybe months and maybe longer than that.

It was self-preservation that forced you to swallow the words each time Jungkook did something sweet, sexy or just plain adorable. For the number of times you had bitten your tongue over the past weeks, you were surprised you had a tongue left to speak with.

Still, you’d only told one other boyfriend you loved them and that hadn't ended so well. You and Jungkook had only been dating for three months. It was too soon to place that kind of pressure on him.

Especially not if he'd be leaving University at the end of this year.

Fear gripped your heart, forcing its way to your lungs while you willed yourself to breathe. You waited, taking deep breaths until the paralysis subsided. Numbly getting dressed, you tried several times before realizing the futility of your zipper.

Dropping your arms, you opened the door a crack.

"Jungkook?" 

"Yeah?"

It was probably your imagination, but he sounded far away. In more ways than one.

"Can you zip me up?" 

"Sure thing, babe."

As you walked from the bathroom, you held your dress with both hands so it wouldn't fall down. Jungkook's eyes widened as soon as he saw you, seated on the edge of the mattress with his broad thighs spread. 

His phone dropped from his grasp.

"Fuck," he breathed, staring hard.

The longer he looked, the more your face heated. Jungkook had a way of looking at you which set fire to your veins, which made you feel seen and wanted and heard. He exhaled, tongue darting out to touch the corner of his lips and almost imperceptibly, his hands tightened on the duvet.

"The zipper?" you reminded him, fighting back a smile.

"Right. Uh," he said, standing up from the bed. Immediately, he winced. "Um. Give me a second."

After another deep breath, Jungkook walked closer, but his gait remained awkward; concealing his boner.

"Are you sure you can dance like that, Jeon?" you teased as you turned around.

"No," he huffed, hands replacing yours on the dress. "Maybe if you could be a little less hot, that would be great."

"I'll try. Maybe if I put spinach in my teeth, or something."

"Nah. Even then, I'd still do you."

"Wow, that's l–" Clamping your lips shut, you stopped the l-word from escaping. "Um, that's lunacy, Jeon."

When he didn't immediately respond, you began to panic but then Jungkook chuckled, moving the zipper upwards.

"Done," he announced, stepping back.

Slowly, you turned. 

Jungkook's gaze darkened. 

Nervous, you smoothed both sides of your dress down. It had taken you a while to pick this one out; several trips to the mall with Gina and eventually, she’d been the one to make the final call. The dress was more revealing than what you usually wore, with a deep-cut neckline and mostly open back. It did wonders for your curves though, highlighting what Jungkook claimed to be his favorite assets.

Then again, Jungkook claimed that about every part of your body.

Still, the way he stared made you feel Gina had made the right choice.

"Whoa," he said hoarsely.

Laughing, you took his hand in yours and dragged him towards the door. "Come on. We're going to be late."

Playfully, Jungkook dug in his heels. 

"We can be a little late," he said, contradicting himself.

"Nope." Cheerful, you stepped into your heels at the door. "You're the one who said you couldn't control yourself if you kissed me."

Although Jungkook sighed, he grabbed the key and opened the door to the hall. You followed him outside, where Jungkook shoved his wallet in a pocket and gallantly offered his arm.

"M'lady."

"Jungkook," you sighed, accepting the gesture. "That line didn't work on me before. It's not going to work on me now."

"Wrong!" he said as you walked down the hall. "It did work. Now we’re dating, right? You're mine. In like, a romantic way. Not in a creepy, possessive one."

You laughed as the elevator doors opened and you stepped inside. Jungkook followed, refusing to let go of you all the way to the lobby. He wasn't being subtle about it, keeping a hand on your waist, his thigh pressed to yours, his fingers drifting lazily over the curve of your back.

His fondness for touch usually made you feel wanted, but now you couldn't help but wonder if there was something else to it. Maybe the reason he wanted to be so close was because he knew he was leaving at the end of the year.

Stomach sinking, you told yourself to stop it. Jungkook hadn't made any decisions and you were sure he’d talk to you before he did. 

Or – you thought that he would.

Anxiety remained even once the doors opened and you entered the lobby. It refused to lessen throughout the entirety of pre-dinner drinks and even as you rode towards the banquet in the elevator, you found yourself in the back, quieter than normal.

Apparently this was noticeable enough for Gina to pull you aside as you entered, shooing Seokjin away with instructions to find them good seats.

"What's wrong?" she asked, tugging you behind a plant.

"Nothing!" you insisted.

Gina gave you a look.

She was dressed in a slinky red number tonight. You had picked it out right after she made the final decision on yours. Had Gina been allowed to choose, she would've worn the same t-shirt and jeans she always did. You had thought it would be funny to see her in something so sexy, but like everything else, Gina pulled it off effortlessly.

Based on the way people were staring, including her date, you knew you had made the right choice.

She narrowed her eyes. "Something's up," Gina said. "Normally, Seokjin's impression of Christopher Walken cracks you up – god knows why – but today, it didn't even make you crack a smile. What's going on?"

"It's nothing," you insisted, glancing around the room. Jungkook had paused at your table, scanning the crowd to see where you were. "Gina, we really should get–"

"Is it lover boy over there?"

Alarmed, you met her gaze. "Gina!” You dropped your voice. “I told you we hadn't said that yet."

"Oh, please." Gina rolled her eyes. "Boy is so whipped for you, it isn't even funny. He probably just doesn’t want to say it too fast and scare you off. Remember how long it took you to admit that you liked each other? This is the same. You're both playing emotional chicken."

Unable to stop yourself, you snorted. "Emotional chicken? Maybe, but…” Hesitant, you glanced around the floor. “Gina, what if he went into the NHL this year?"

Gina paused. "This year?"

"I mean... a lot of players do. There's only so long you can play hockey professionally."

"That’d make it harder to date for sure. Where’s this coming from, Y/N?"

"Nowhere," you said. "Just something I've been thinking. It would make it harder to date, right?"

"I guess. But so what?"

"I… huh?"

"So what?" she repeated. "Even if Jungkook does leave at the end of this year, how does that change the fact that you love him?"

Having no response to this, you stayed quiet.

Gina reached for your hand. "I'm just saying," she said, a bit gentler. "There’s always a million reasons it might not work out. All you can control is what you do now and how honest you are. Starting with... oh, I don't know... telling your boyfriend how much you love that flat ass of his."

"It's not as flat anymore!" you blurted, defensive. "He's been doing squats."

"Yeah, whatever." Grinning, Gina pulled you from behind the plant. "We should probably get back before Seokjin grabs the mic to sing Tiny Dancer. Just promise me you'll think about telling him?"

"Okay, I'll think about it," you sighed, following her towards the tables.

Spotting you from across the room, Jungkook grinned and waved a hand overhead. Seeing his face, a familiar rush of butterflies appeared. Except it wasn't just butterflies anymore; now there was a whole goddamn symphony and from the moment you saw him, you knew Gina was right.

You should tell him you loved him.

Maybe not now, though because as you approached your table, a familiar silhouette appeared by your side.

"Y/N?" Jimin said, sounding tentative.

Feet faltering, you came to a stop. 

Even from across the room, you could see Jungkook's gaze darken. Jimin stepped between you though, blocking your way to the table. Somewhat reluctantly, you waved Gina on.

"Go on," you said with a sigh. "Tell Jungkook I want the steak."

Gina nodded once, glared at Jimin, and continued walking towards Seokjin. She knew you could handle being alone with him.

Jimin waited until she was out of earshot before speaking. 

"Hi."

"Hey, Jimin."

Nervous, he swallowed. "Um, you look nice tonight. I mean you always look–"

"Jimin," you interrupted, folding your arms over your chest. "Get to the point."

"Right." He gave you an uncertain look. "I just wanted to... apologize."

"Apologize for what?"

Somehow, you managed to keep your expression neutral.

Glancing over his shoulder, Jimin saw Jungkook staring. He sighed and turned back. "For what I did freshman year."

"And what did you do freshman year?"

"Wow." Jimin gave you a half-smile. "You really aren't going to make this easy on me, huh?"

"No," you responded. "I don't think I will."

Something serious, almost sad entered Jimin’s gaze and he nodded. "Right. I guess I deserve that. I wanted to apologize for lying to you freshman year. I should've told you what really happened to Jungkook."

"You should have.”

"I know." Jimin bit down on his lip. "It's just that... I really liked you. And you seemed to like me back, so I thought it would be easier if Jungkook was out of the picture...." He trailed off, looking miserable. "It was stupid, I know."

Some of your anger lessened at his expression. He truly did seem as though he was sorry and while that didn’t change what had happened, it didn’t seem worthwhile to hold onto something so petty.

You hesitated. "It wasn't... stupid, exactly."

It wasn’t stupid in the way he implied and in a way, you realized you understood. You had liked Jimin freshman year, which was what made this complicated. You had also liked Jungkook and maybe you would’ve stood a chance back then if Jimin hadn’t lied. Then again, maybe not.

It was like what you told Jungkook earlier. It was pointless to ask what if because what ifs weren't what happened. All you had was the current situation and where you went from here.

A thought popped into your mind.

"Can I ask you something?" you said, lowering your arms.

Jimin blinked. "Sure."

"Why did you end things between us freshman year?" you asked. It was something you’d wondered for years. "If you liked me enough to go through all that with Jungkook... then what happened?"

Because he had been the one to end your fuck buddy relationship. You had been perfectly fine to continue seeing him sophomore year, but Jimin had been the one to pull back. It was something that’d always bothered you, but you’d never had the courage to ask.

Jimin gave a lopsided smile. "I wanted to date you, Y/N."

"What?” You looked at him, stunned. “When?"

"Freshman year," he said. "I mentioned going on a date a few times. Getting dinner together, being my date to my dorm's formal... you always turned me down and after a while, I stopped asking."

Dimly, you recall what he’s talking about. He mostly asked first semester, but you remember Jimin mentioning all those things. You always thought he wasn’t serious, but maybe that was just what you wanted to think. You were still hurt by Jungkook, not looking for anything real and maybe you were the one pushing Jimin away.

“I… I didn’t think you really liked me like that,” you said quietly.

Jimin offered a sad smile. “I could’ve been clearer, I guess. I didn’t want to scare you, so I was purposefully vague…” Considering, he shrugged. “I broke things off with you because I didn’t think you’d ever see me that way. Call it self-preservation, or whatever.”

“Oh,” you responded, voice small. 

Seeing your discomfort, Jimin sighed. “Hey, it all worked out – didn’t it? I’m having a good time with my date and you and Jungkook look happy together. I’m glad you are. I just wanted to apologize to you in person, Y/N.”

“Thanks,” you said slowly. “I appreciate that.”

“No problem.” Jimin hovered a moment, clearly unsure whether to go. “Well. I should be getting back to my table…”

“It’s just,” you said, interrupting. “I’m not the only one you should apologize to.”

Jimin looked at you in surprise.

“I appreciate you saying something to me,” you said. “And I’m not mad anymore, but Jungkook trusted you back then. You were a dick to him just because you liked me. I’m not the only one who deserves an apology.”

Jimin’s cheeks turned a bit pink. “Yeah. I know.”

You paused a moment, but he didn’t say any more and at last, you nodded. “Thanks again, Jimin.  I hope you have a good rest of your night.”

“You, too.”

Turning around, you left his side.

Oddly, your heart felt lighter with each step you took. You hadn’t realized how much the anticipation of that conversation had weighed upon you. Ever since seeing Jimin enter the bus, you had imagined something like this would happen.

Even if Jimin had been avoiding you, it wasn’t like you had been close friends before. Acquaintances, maybe, but even that dwindled once you realized Jimin’s lie to you freshman year. That kind of breach of trust really shook your foundations.

Maybe in the future you could be friends with Jimin again but honestly, you had no inclination to do so now.

Jungkook was already seated when you reached the table, his napkin unfolded and set on his lap. As you took your seat in the chair beside him, he looked over your shoulder.

“What did Jimin want?”

You glanced his way. “He wanted to apologize.”

Jungkook said nothing, his expression inscrutable.

“He said he was sorry about what happened freshman year.”

With a rough sort of laugh, Jungkook sat back in his seat. Playing with the corner of his napkin, he slowly exhaled. 

After a moment, he said, “Now?”

“Huh?”

“Now?” Jungkook turned to face you. “Jimin says he’s sorry now for what he did?”

“I mean, he –”

“He’s just sorry because he got caught,” he muttered, jaw tight.

“Maybe.” You considered, then sighed. “Anyways, it doesn’t matter. He just wanted to apologize. He said he’s glad that we’re happy.”

Jungkook’s next laugh was sharp and he looked away. It wasn’t often he got mad, but when Jungkook did, it was hard to pull out of. He tended to brood, turning things over and over in his mind until the edges were dull.

Reaching out, you placed a hand on his leg. “Hey.”

Jungkook stayed where he was.

Shifting, you reached to place a kiss on his cheek. “Jungkook,” you said softly, squeezing his thigh. “There’s literally nowhere I’d rather be but right here with you.”

Finally, Jungkook caved and turned to look at you. 

His eyes were large and dark, full of something you couldn’t quite place but felt in your soul. Something fluttered in your stomach and you held your breath, anticipating what he was about to say.

His hand covered yours, thumb brushing gently against your palm. “Y/N, I –”

“NOOOO!”

“YES! VINDICATED, AT LAST!”

The sound of the commotion jerked you apart and, craning your head, you spotted the source of the turmoil several seats down at the table. 

Jungkook sat back with a thump, swallowing whatever it was he had to say.

Taehyung stood in front of his chair, one of those silver food platters on the table before him. It seemed dinner had begun to be served and Taehyung had gotten a dish with a lid. When he opened said lid, there had been no food on the plate – only a singular bottle of raspberry Smirnoff Ice.

Dramatically pushing back his chair, Seokjin stood to claim his victory. “Drink!” he declared, spreading his arms. “I’ve finally done it! I’ve bested my enemy, pulled the thorn from my side, tricked the eternal trickster – wait, why are you smiling? Why is he smiling?” he demanded, glancing at Gina.

Gina shrugged.

Taehyung knelt, per the official rules of Icing. He was halfway through what you could only assume to be a very warm bottle of Smirnoff Ice and yet, Taehyung didn’t seem angry. Instead, he had one brow cocked in a way which implied he’d still somehow won.

Seokjin stared at him in confusion.

Continuing to chug, Taehyung gestured beneath Seokjin’s chair.

The next moment seemed to happen in slow motion. Face gone suddenly slack, Seokjin bent and looked under his seat. He paused for a moment, staring at something and then sighed.

“Fuck,” he muttered.

A green apple Smirnoff Ice was under his chair.

“Oh, damn,” whispered Jungkook in sympathy. “Green apple is the worst flavor.”

Finishing his bottle, Taehyung slammed it on the table. “Fuck is right,” he said grandly as he stood. “Don’t forget to kneel, man.”

“But… but – how?” Seokjin cried, looking up. “I checked under my chair before I sat down!”

Mysterious, Taehyung shrugged and sat down. “It’s not your place to question, but to chug.”

As Seokjin sighed and got on with it, Gina leaned over . “Taehyung paid me a hundred bucks to plant it after he’d already sat down,” she whispered, then grinned. “Worth it.”

You snorted into your napkin, hiding it quickly when Seokjin glanced your way. As soon as he was done chugging, Seokjin set his empty bottle on the table and sank low in his seat.

“One of these days,” he muttered to no one. “I’ll get my revenge.”

Gina patted his arm. “Sure you will,” she said, twisting around in her seat. “Oo! They have those mini hot dogs. I love those.”

Seokjin instantly perked up, since he was also a mini hot dog fan. The table settled down after that, once the meals were distributed and people starting to eat. Jungkook cut into his steak beside you, exhaling in relief when he saw it was perfectly cooked. Jungkook had a thing about the temperature of his meat.

You wanted to talk more about Jimin, but the music was loud and the conversation so sensitive, you eventually gave up and figured you’d have time to talk later.

Jungkook’s hand found your thigh midway through the meal, so you knew he wasn’t holding onto a grudge. Or maybe he was and he was just really good at hiding it. Jungkook wasn’t normally the type to be jealous; you knew that wasn’t what this was really about.

It had more to do with what you told Jimin at the end. Jungkook had considered Jimin his friend at one time. It had hurt him as much as you when he’d realized what Jimin had done.

All through dessert you watched Jungkook, trying to read his expression until eventually, his lips quirked and he reached for your hand.

“I’m fine,” Jungkook murmured, arching a brow. “Promise.”

Your eyes narrowed. “Are you sure?”

Jungkook laughed, shoveling the last bite of cake in his mouth. Setting his napkin aside, he stood from his seat and reached for your hand. Pulling you out of your chair, he led you in the direction of the dance floor. Most of the tables had already been cleared, their residents disappeared to start the next part of their evening.

Actual awards were only for the end of year banquet, or so Jungkook had told you on the bus. For the midseason banquet there were superlative awards given out, but they were usually distributed at brunch the next morning.

Jungkook pulled you to face him in the middle of the dance floor. One hand on your hip, he drew you close to the music. 

“I’m positive I’m fine,” he said. “Sorry that I overreacted.”

“You didn’t,” you said, tilting your head up. “I know it’s a sensitive topic.”

“I know.” Jungkook still looked troubled. “It’s like you said, though. Who knows what would’ve happened freshman year? Maybe we would’ve worked out. Maybe not. Either way, there’s no point in worrying. We’re together now and that’s what matters.”

“Right.” Stepping closer, you leaned in and rested your head on his chest. “We are.”

Jungkook’s grip on you tightened. “And besides,” he said with a chuckle. “I don’t really want to spend any more time thinking about Jimin tonight. I’d rather think about you.”

“Me?”

“Mhm,” he said, low in your ear. “You, and how beautiful you look in that dress.”

“Just this dress?”

“All dresses. All clothes. Also – no clothes. Hell, you could wear a potato sack and I’d still think it was hot.”

Laughing, you looked up. “Now you’re just being ridiculous.”

Jungkook grinned, his smile bright in the newly dimmed lights. Within the past half hour, someone had turned down the overhead lights for ‘mood lighting.’ The tables had all been pushed back to clear space for the DJ and make a path to the windows. The sight of the city laid out before you was, indeed, spectacular.

A view rivaled only by the man standing before you.

“What?” Jungkook’s grin widened at your expression.

“Just thinking about how good you look,” you said with a sigh. “Can’t wait to use my present on you later.”

His eyes darkened. “So, it’s something to use on me?”

“Whoops,” you said, delicate. “Did I say that? Must’ve misspoke.”

His grip on your waist tightened as you danced. Lowering his head, Jungkook’s lips grazed your ear.

“Y/N.” He spoke softly, one hand sliding to the small of your back. “Don’t tease me. I’m not above public indecency.”

A thrill ran down your spine. “How indecent?” you asked, just as quiet.

To everyone around you, it merely looked as though you were dancing – turning around the room in time to the song. In reality, Jungkook’s breath quickened while your heartbeat raced, tilting your chin upwards to see him.

His gaze had turned positively carnal. “Y/N, just say the word and I’ll fuck you right here and right now.”

“Jungkook,” you whispered. “There are people around.”

His ensuing smile was cocky. “So? Bet they could learn a thing or two.”

“And you think you’d be the one to teach them?”

“I’d say so,” he said quietly. “Based on how loud you are when you come, I’d say I’m doing something right.”

“I see.” Blithely, you continued to dance. “Its statements like that which are exactly why I needed to bring your present.”

Jungkook’s expression melted to nothing. “Y/N,” he whined, all semblance of cockiness gone. “Please tell me what the gift is?”

“Nope. The build-up is half the fun!”

“When it comes to you,” Jungkook groaned. “It doesn’t take much to get me worked up.”

“Hm. You’ll have to control yourself better than that if you want to cum tonight, babe.”

Jungkook made a tortured sound in his throat. “Y/N...”

“Yes?”

Rather than answer, Jungkook grabbed your hand to pull you from the dance floor. Grinning at the broad panes of his back, you grabbed your dress in one hand so as to not trip on your heels.

“Jungkook,” you laughed, passing knowing expressions. “Slow down!”

Jungkook obliged but continued to walk until he found a suitably secluded alcove. Pulling you with, he turned you around to press your back to the wall, dripping his head for a kiss.

Melting into his touch, your arms found his neck to pull him even closer. Jungkook’s body molded to yours, one arm on the wall while his lips devoured you. You arched against him, fingers sliding up his back to entwine in his hair. Jungkook whined when you tugged, breaking away briefly to rest his forehead to yours.

Breathless, you laughed.

“Why are you laughing?” he murmured.

“Mm, nothing.” Your hands slid to his waist. “It’s just… this kiss reminds me of another one.”

“Which one?”

“You know… the one at that party…”

“Oh, yeah.” His lips quirked. “When I beat you in beer pong.”

“Okay, you didn’t beat me.”

Lowering his head, Jungkook’s lips brushed that sensitive junction between neck and collarbone. A sigh escaped when he slid to rest either hand on the wall beside you. Keeping his body carefully separate, only Jungkook’s hot lips chased over your skin. His tongue flicked a heated path up your throat, holding himself back just to prove that he could.

Pulling away, Jungkook met your gaze. Heat radiated from every line of his body, tempting you further to close the distance between you.

“You’ve gotten better at that,” you whispered. “Less tongue.”

Jungkook’s upper lip twitched.

Before you could respond, he bent to kiss you again and all thoughts of reprimand went out the window. Instead, you arched upwards, craving his touch. Jungkook seemed to be of the same mindset, hips caging yours as he ground his way forward.

Hands returned to his hair, you anchored yourself with each breath you stole. Whatever lipstick you’d had on was long gone by now; Jungkook’s hand found your back and – remembering the backless dress you wore – he groaned.

“What bra do you wear with this, anyways?” he said, pulling back.

“None.” Staring at him, your upper lip curled. “I am wearing underwear, but I’ll admit they don’t leave much to the imagination.”

Jungkook looked tortured. “What are you doing to me?” he pleaded, looking at you with puppy-dog eyes. 

Before you could respond, he lowered his head and pressed his lips to your jaw.

“When we get back to the room,” he murmured, marking his way towards your ear. “I want this dress off. Panties on. Keep the heels on. Splayed out like that on the bed, so I can bury myself between your legs and eat your pussy all fucking night.”

“Sounds ambitious,” you breathed, your head hitting the wall.

“It is.” Jungkook smirked. “I like to set goals for myself. And whether I win or lose, you still win.”

“Oh, do I?”

“Mhm. If I don’t edge you all night, you get to come. And if I do, you still get to come. Win-win.”

Laughing, your fingers curled in his hair. “Well, I –”

“Get a roooom,” Seokjin booed as he walked past. “The bathroom’s right here, guys. People have probably been nauseated walking past you for however long you’ve been back here making out.”

Flustered, you glanced over Jungkook’s shoulder and realized Seokjin was right. The back of his tuxedo disappeared into the men’s bathroom, with the women’s room directly across from it in the hall. Groaning softly, you lowered your face to Jungkook’s lapel.

While you hid, Jungkook started to chuckle. His laughter shook your frame, making you smile until eventually, you started to laugh as well.

“Whoops.” Jungkook pulled back, only to wince. Reaching down, he adjusted the too-tight fabric stretched over his crotch. “Um. Maybe we should head to our room.”

“Already? There’s still a few hours left of the banquet.”

“I know, but…” Jungkook glanced past you, looking into the main room. “We came, we drank, we danced… I just kind of want to be with you now.”

“Well, alright,” you said, allowing yourself to be led down the hall. “If that’s really what you want.”

“It is,” he assured, pressing the down button for the elevator.

You smiled, leaning your head to his shoulder while you waited for its arrival. The lights in the hall were dim, bass thumping loudly from the DJ in the next room. Laughter and shouting echoed down the hall, but the spot by the elevator was relatively quiet.

When Jungkook’s phone went off in his pocket, you jumped. “Oh,” you laughed, glancing up. “That scared me.”

“Sorry,” Jungkook said, fishing around in his pocket.

When he saw who was calling, his expression changed and he immediately pressed off. Stuffing this back in his pocket, he shot you a quick smile and faced forward.

The elevator dinged.

You stared at his back as you entered, uncertainty churning your stomach. Things had been going so well, you had almost forgotten about the events of earlier – the text message you saw on his phone and what it might mean for your future.

Now, it was all you could think about. It wasn’t fair to press Jungkook to talk before he was ready but in all honesty, you were kind of going crazy. As the doors shut behind you, you turned to face Jungkook.

“Who was that?” you asked, innocent.

For a moment, Jungkook looked panicked. He hid this quickly behind a mask of indifference, which looked even stranger than the panic had on his face. Jungkook was not an indifferent kind of person.

“Um, no one,” he said quickly – too quickly. “Just my mom.”

Jungkook was a terrible liar.

Setting aside the fact that he was a classic mama’s boy and would have never have ignored her – maybe he would’ve said he can’t talk right now, but he at least would’ve answered – he now fidgeted anxiously like his feet were on fire. Eyes narrowed, you stared as his profile while the numbers of the floors ticked slowly down.

“You can call her back if you want,” you offered.

Jungkook opened his mouth to say something, then shut it. “Uh – no, that’s okay. She’ll send me a text if it’s important.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Facing forward, you casually stepped from his arm in the guise of being too warm. The numbers had almost reached the twentieth floor, but it wasn’t the descent which had your stomach tied in knots. In your peripheral, you saw Jungkook glance your way while you stared stubbornly at the doors.

The elevator slowed.

“We’re here,” you announced, striding into the hall.

You kept a few steps ahead of him as you walked, gaze focused on your room at the end of the hall. Even though you knew it was unfair to be mad, you couldn’t help the hurt which hounded your thoughts.

When Jungkook had taken out his phone, you had seen the name of the person calling him – Bob Sutherland, the very same recruiter who’d texted him earlier. Each step you took made you angrier, wondering if he’d already gotten the offer, or maybe he’d even accepted. You weren’t sure what the NHL recruiting process was, let alone what your place in it would be as his girlfriend.

Coming to a stop at your hotel room, you halted and waited for Jungkook to catch up.

He did so easily, brow creased as he reached to take hold of your hand. “Hey,” he said gently, turning you to face him. “Is something wrong? Did you want to stay at the banquet longer?”

You looked at his hand for a moment before raising your gaze to his.

“No,” you responded. “Nothing’s wrong.”

Jungkook hesitated. “Want to talk about it, whatever it is?”

You scowled. “I said nothing’s wrong.”

“You’re a terrible liar, Y/N,” Jungkook said with a smile. “Come on. You can tell me – what is it?”

For a moment, you just stared at him. Your first instinct was to push this down, to pretend it didn’t bother you, but that was cowardly. The situation clearly upset you and trying to pretend otherwise wasn’t fair to you, or to him. 

Before you could change your mind, you blurted, “Why’d you lie about your mom calling you just now?”

The words slipped past in a rush and Jungkook froze. The look on his face would have been comical had the circumstances not been making you sick to your stomach.

“I – what?” 

“Right now,” you explained. “Before we entered the elevator, you said your mom called, but she didn’t. Admit it.”

Jungkook stared at you a second longer, then glanced at the door. “Maybe we should talk about this inside…”

“No. Let’s have the conversation right here.”

Gaze narrowing, Jungkook returned to you. “I really think this is more of an inside the room conversation, Y/N.”

“You can’t tell me you want to go into the NHL in the hall?”

Jungkook’s eyes widened. “I – what? Who told you that?”

“I saw your phone earlier,” you said, swallowing past the lump in your throat. “That NHL recruiter texted you – Bob Sutherland, right? I didn’t mean to see it, but it was right there on the bed, and I…”

Jungkook paused, then shook his head. “And you... waited this long to talk to me?”

“Um, hello?” you shot back. “Pot, this is kettle.”

He winced. “Okay, fine. I guess I deserve that. I just... didn’t want to say anything until I was sure this was even an option.”

Bleakly, you laughed. “What does that mean? You were only going to tell me once you’d decided? Maybe once you had your jersey and a new apartment in some other city?”

Jungkook’s expression darkened. “It’s not like that,” he said as you pulled away.

“It is like that,” you responded, stopping before the door. “Can you open this? I don’t have the room key.”

Jungkook didn’t move. “Y/N.”

“Open the door.”

“Y/N,” he said, softer this time.

You waited another moment, then slowly exhaled. 

“What?” you said, glancing sideways.

This was a mistake, since Jungkook was an awful liar and you could tell he wasn’t lying right now. All his emotion was etched clear on his face – regret, uncertainty, and something more, something stronger. The feeble spark of anger in your stomach extinguished with a hiss.

Stepping forward, Jungkook placed both hands on your arms. “I didn’t want you to stress over nothing,” he said quietly. “That’s the only reason I didn’t tell you right away.”

Jaw tight, you glanced over his shoulder.

“I swear,” Jungkook continued. “It’s just… we haven’t been dating long and things are going so well. I didn’t want to mess things up between us.”

“Don’t you think that’s kind of dumb,” you muttered, moving your gaze to his. “You didn’t want to mess things up, so you kept something big from me?”

“Come on, Y/N,” he pleaded, frustration notched between his brows.  “If I went into the NHL this year, I’d have to leave University before you. I’d have to move to whatever city picked me.”

“I know.”

“We only just started dating!” he said, looking tortured. “You only just started calling yourself my girlfriend. I didn’t want you to break up with me. Not when I don’t even know what I want. I don’t know if I want to go into the NHL this year. I just…” 

He stopped and inhaled, looking helpless.

There was such confusion on his face, such ardent sincerity that whatever anger you felt began to ebb away. It didn’t vanish entirely; you still wish he would’ve told you, but looking at him, you understood why he did it.

“It’s... okay,” you said finally.

Jungkook glanced at you, uncertain.

“It’s okay,” you insisted, sliding both hands up his arms. “I… yeah. It’ll be fine, Jungkook. Now, will you listen to what I have to say?”

Although he seemed skeptical, he nodded.

“Jungkook.” You looked at him seriously. “This is your career, okay? This is your future. I’m not going to break up with you just because you graduate early.”

“You don’t know that,” he countered. “That’s a lot to ask. Long distance is hard, Y/N.”

“I know.”

“It’s unfair of me to ask you to do that.”

“I think I’ll decide what’s unfair to me, Jeon.”

“I just...” Running a hand through his hair, he left the strands ruffled in the back. “I needed more time. More time to figure out what I wanted, more time to make you…”

“Make me what?”

“Make you fall in love with me, too,” he said quietly.

You went still.

The hall around you fell silent – so quiet, you heard the sound of your heart beating. Or maybe that was his; the sound was too loud, whoever it belonged to. It drowned out all coherent thought and left a ringing noise in your ears. 

Before you could respond, Jungkook shut his eyes.

“You don’t have to say it back,” he groaned, rubbing his forehead. “I know it’s too soon. We haven’t been dating that long and fuck, I probably shouldn’t have said it like that. I should’ve done something romantic, right? With flowers and music and – I don’t know. I just love you, Y/N and it’s really hard to keep it in, when –”

Reaching up, you pressed your palms to his cheeks. “Jeon.”

He opened his eyes, face squished in your hands.

“I love you, too,” you said seriously.

Jungkook’s eyes widened and he tried to speak, but the sound was constrained by your hands.

“Oops, sorry,” you said, releasing his face. “What was that?”

“You... love me,” he repeated, dumbfounded.

“Yeah.”

“Wow.” Jungkook paused. “Huh.”

Futilely, you tried to hide your smile. “Is that seriously all you have to say?”

“Kind of.” Jungkook grinned but after a moment, his smile began to disappear. “I really am sorry I lied, Y/N. I promise I wouldn’t have kept it a secret much longer.”

“I know,” you said quietly, taking his hand. “I get why you did it. That’s a giant change to be thinking about.”

“It is, yeah.”

“But,” you added, grip tightening. “I love you, Jungkook. I want to be with you. You don’t have to hide these kinds of things from me.”

Wonderingly, his gaze roamed your face. “No?”

“No. We’ll work through it together. Okay?”

“Okay,” he said, expression softening.

“Good.” You smiled. “You won’t scare me off, Jeon. Promise. Just tell me where your new apartment is and I’ll rack up frequent flyer miles.”

When Jungkook smiled, the corners of his eyes creased. “What if I decide to move to the moon?” he challenged.

“I might question your sanity, Jeon, but I wouldn’t be scared.”

“What if I decided to move to mars?”

“I might be a little scared,” you admitted. “Only because then, you’d probably be neighbors with Elon Musk.”

Jungkook laughed, reaching past to press his key card to the door. The light on the handle turned green, letting you in. Jungkook grabbed your hand and pulled you with, not bothering to turn on the lights.

As soon as the door fell shut behind you, Jungkook turned and pressed you to the wood. He immediately bent and began to kiss up your neck, placing one hand on the door and the other firmly around your waist. Pulling you close, he curved your body to his.

You found yourself no better, one hand sliding into his hair to open his mouth with your own. Jungkook groaned, his voice graveled, and the heat shot straight to your core.

“Jungkook,” you said, breaking away.

“Yeah?” he murmured, kissing back down your neck.

Heart stuttering, you forced yourself to focus. “I love you,” you whispered, your curving in the darkness.

It felt so good to finally say it out loud, to stop holding back what you had been feeling for some time. 

Slowly, Jungkook bent to press his forehead to yours. “You sure?” he said quietly. “Don’t feel like you need to say it because I did. Just because I’m stupid in love with you doesn’t mean you need to be.”

“Jungkook?”

“Yeah?”

“Stop being dumb and kiss me.”

Jungkook snorted when you grabbed his tie with one hand to pull him towards you. Elbow buckling, he pressed you against the door while his laughter fanned your face.

Tilting your head upwards, your lips lightly brushed. “Want to know what your present is?”

Jungkook answered immediately. “Yes.”

“It’s going to sound silly now that you told me you loved me.”

“Hey, you said it back!”

“I did.”

“… I still want to know what my present is.”

“Mmm,” you hummed, walking a hand up his chest. “Alright, so maybe I went into that one drawer of your nightstand.”

Jungkook stilled.

“And maybe I brought something for us to play with.”

In the darkness, you heard him audibly swallow. 

“What… what did you decide to bring?”

Placing a hand on his shoulder, you lifted your lips to his ear. “Maybe the handcuffs.”

The next moment happened faster than you could comprehend.

Seizing you around the waist, Jungkook picked you up to carry you towards the bedroom. You squealed, smacking his ass from your upside-down position. Ignoring you, Jungkook flipped on the light as he walked and, upon reaching the bed, deposited you on the mattress.

You bounced on the landing, grinning as you adjusted yourself on the duvet.

Jungkook had already begun to remove his tie. He paused with it half-undone, staring at you on the sheets. Wriggling your ass deeper, you arched a brow.

“Alright.” Jungkook placed his hands on both hips. “How do you want to do this?”

You grinned. “What do you mean?”

He glanced at your hands. “I mean – do you want to wear the cuffs, or should I? Should we do this on the bed? Do you want the cuffs on my wrists, or what?”

“Whoa,” you exhaled, sitting up. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.”

Jungkook paused, then nodded and smiled. 

Leisurely, he began to walk towards your suitcase. He undid his cuffs as he walked, placing them on the nightstand before he bent to the zipper. Opening the flap, he scanned the inside and immediately spotted the handcuffs on top of your sweatpants.

Glancing over his shoulder, he arched a brow. “Really?”

“What?” you said, somewhat defensive. “I wanted to protect them from damage.”

Jungkook reached out and shut your suitcase. With the cuffs dangling from one hand, he stood and looked once more at you. A hunger had entered his gaze which made you squeeze your thighs together.

“Why don’t we start with you?” he said, moving closer. “I’ll make you feel good and then you can decide if you want to cuff me.”

“That sounds good,” you whispered.

Jungkook came to a stop at the foot of the bed. Gaze raking your frame, he traced every curve with an indecency bordering on obscene.

“I wasn’t kidding before,” he said, gaze lifting. “I want you naked except for those heels and your panties.”

A thrill traveled your spine, slowly extending your legs to stand from the bed. Without looking away, you reached behind your back to slowly unzip your zipper. You caught your dress before it fell, pressing it to your chest and keeping it there.

Jungkook exhaled. “The rest of it, sweetheart,” he said, sounding hoarse. “I want to see those pretty tits of yours on display.”

“Oh, do you?”

Teasing, you lowered the fabric until your nipples were practically visible. They caught at the fabric, pressed against silk while Jungkook swallowed hard.

“Yes, please,” he said.

Without looking away, you dropped your dress to the floor.

Jungkook sucked in a breath as he stared. His gaze trailed your breasts, rounded and peaked; the apex of your thighs, where you could already feel yourself slick with arousal. He glanced at your feet, still in the heels he said not to change out of.

A growl escaped him when he reached for his cock. Palming himself over his pants, Jungkook stared hard at your body.

“Jungkook,” you whimpered, needing him to touch you.

His gaze snapped to yours. “Look at you,” he murmured, stepping closer. Sliding a hand to the back of your neck, he tilted your face up. “Nipples already hard for me.” Reaching out, he palmed your breast. “Is this pussy wet for me, too?”

“You know it is,” you said breathily.

Nose ghosting your neck, Jungkook traced a path down your throat. “I’ll be the judge of that.”

“What’re you going to do?”

“Gonna take a look.” Jungkook pressed a kiss to your shoulder. “Gonna see how wet I can get you – just me, though,” he said, stepping back. “You’re not allowed to touch yourself yet. Understand?”

Eager, you nodded.

It had been a few months since you started having sex and in that time, you had learned to read each other well. Jungkook knew that after a fight, you usually liked him to be in control. The mental exhaustion was tiring and you just wanted to come, and come hard.

“Good,” Jungkook said with a smirk. “Now, sit on the bed.”

Turning around, you sat and scooted until your back hit the headboard. Jungkook’s hands found his belt, slowly undoing each notch while you watched. Pulling this from the loops, he dropped it on the floor to shrug from his jacket.

Once free, he knelt one knee on the bed. “Spread your legs,” he said quietly. “Good girl.”

You obeyed, feeling liberated by the lack of control. You trusted Jungkook to take care of you, to listen to you and to know when to stop. It was part of what made sex which him better than anyone else. He understood you in a way you found hard to describe.

“Here?” you asked, spreading your legs on the sheets.

Jungkook moved towards you. “Here,” he agreed, slipping one metal cuff around your wrist.

You inhaled when he closed it, threading the links behind the bedpost and taking your other hand in his. He clicked the second cuff in place, leaving you with both arms overhead, splayed out on the mattress. Arching experimentally upwards, you found your arms restrained.

Withdrawing, Jungkook sat back on his heels. He stared at you a moment, then slid his hands up your torso. Almost recently, he bent his head to flick your nipple with his tongue.

“Oh,” you gasped, arching upwards.

Your wrists strained at the metal, but the sensation was more discomfort than actual pain. The fact that you couldn’t touch him had your skin on fire. Jungkook’s mouth was sloppy, teasing your nipples just the way you liked, urging them to peaks so he could suck with abandon. You arched on the mattress, the cold metal of handcuffs biting into your skin.

You hadn’t been lying – you’d never done this sort of thing with any previous boyfriend but with Jungkook, you found yourself wanting to explore. No one had ever made you feel this comfortable, this open and trusting he would make you feel good.

Switching to your other breast, Jungkook blew on it gently before taking it in his mouth. When he grazed you with his teeth, you let out a whimper and he sucked in earnest. The noises he made made your cheeks heat, your barely clothed core grinding against the duvet.

Your lace thong was sticky, drenched in evidence of easy arousal. Jungkook seemed to realize this as you did, his finger drifting to dip beneath the edge of the fabric. Reluctantly pulling away from your chest, Jungkook twisted the fabric to stare at your cunt.

Although you couldn’t see, you could feel how indecent it was. Drenched lace snagged in the folds of your pussy, revealing your glistening sex to his darkened gaze.

“Fuck,” Jungkook groaned, brushing his thumb up your folds.

The way you shuddered made him moan and he did it again. Jungkook’s thumb slid lower, lazily stroking the entrance of your pussy. He teased until you clenched around him with need, arousal dripping from your cunt to gather at your ass.

“Feet up.” Jungkook pulled back. “Thighs spread.”

You did as he said, placing your heels on the mattress to spread your legs. Jungkook’s jaw clenched at the sight, staring hazily at you like it was the first time. Immediately, he bent and lowered himself between your legs.

“Y/N,” he moaned, dragging his tongue up your sex.

You shuddered at this, tugging on your restraints, which held. Arching against him, you pushed your hips forward while Jungkook ate you out. He wasted no time, lips immediately wrapping around your swollen clit, coaxing you hard and fast towards your first orgasm of the night.

Sliding both arms under your thighs, Jungkook used them as leverage while he licked your pussy. Burying himself between your legs, he devoured you with such ecstasy, you could barely breathe.

The hard lines of his back strained against his shirt and you wished this was gone, wished you could see his pretty skin, but Jungkook seemed determined to make you come like this – his tongue buried in your cunt and his nose brushing your clit.

Your entire body seized, ready to come but then he pulled back and slid two fingers in at the hilt.

Gasping, your entire pussy quivered when his tongue returned to your clit. “Oh my god,” you blubbered, arching against him. “Oh my fucking god, Jungkook.”

His fingers were relentless, immediately fucking the warm wetness of your pussy. The squelch they made sliding in and out was obscene, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. It felt too fucking good, with them pounding your cunt and making you see stars.

If you could have, you would’ve grabbed his hair and ridden his face, but you couldn’t. Instead, you arched as hard as you could and gripped your thighs together – Jungkook growled between them – unable to do anything but take it when he gave you your orgasm.

It crashed into you like a wave as you cried out in pleasure below him. You shuddered apart; Jungkook kept both arms wrapped around you until you were done. As the pleasure finally subsided, he gradually slowed his mouth to look up.

He grinned, lips red and wet from his exertions.

With a groan, you collapsed back on the bed. The metal bit into the skin of your wrists, your chest rising and falling while Jungkook shifted above you.

“You okay?” he asked gently, dropping a kiss to your lips.

You nodded, turning your head to capture him in a kiss. Jungkook kissed eagerly back, thighs settling on either side of your hips. He finally pulled away, reaching for the bedside to locate the key.

“Yeah,” you said, waiting for him to unlock the cuffs. “I feel really good, in fact.”

Jungkook grinned and released the cuff from your right wrist. You lowered your arm to your side while he undid the other, patiently waiting for your wrists to be freed. When you were, Jungkook bent his head to press his lips where the cuffs used to be.

He then moved to your feet – you had nearly forgotten you still wore your heels, but Jungkook slid them easily off to drop them to the floor.

You moved to sit up but Jungkook bent and kissed you again. His hands slid to your hair, thighs caging your waist while his tongue slipped past your lips. Desire lazily curled in your stomach; rather than sate you, your previous orgasm had left you hungry for more.

“Jungkook,” you mumbled against his lips.

“Yeah?”

“Why’s your shirt still on?”

Jungkook snorted and sat back, reaching for his front. Without looking away, he began to undo his buttons. He moved slowly, pushing each button through fabric at a maddening pace until you whined and pressed your hips up to his.

“Eager?” he teased, tugging an arm from the sleeve.

As soon as his shirt hit the floor, you sighed in satisfaction. No matter how many times you saw him, the sight of Jungkook shirtless never ceased to amaze.

“Wait – stay there,” you said, reaching to run a hand up his front.

One of Jungkook’s tattoos dipped to his pec, swirling above his dusky nipple in delicate lines. When your thumb casually brushed this, he shuddered.

Pleased, you looked up. “Sensitive, Jeon?”

“You know I am,” he grumbled, though he seemed far from perturbed. Gaze glinting in darkness, Jungkook lowered himself to his palms. “Do it again.”

You obeyed, casually dragging a finger over his pert, rosy nipple. Jungkook inhaled through his teeth, staring at you while you began to tease. When your fingers moved to his other nipple, he actually whined and lowered his head.

“Okay,” you said, making a decision. “I’m going to need you in those cuffs now.”

Jungkook lifted his head. “Oh?”

“Yeah,” you exhaled.

He immediately sat back on his heels, shirtless and slacks strained across his erection. It was obvious from the way he sat it was uncomfortable and yet, Jungkook made no move to relieve himself. The sight sent a thrill down your spine.

This scenario had crossed your mind more than a few times, you had to admit. Having Jungkook seated before you, ready to do whatever you wanted. He was just so big and strong – the sight of him kneeling was more than you could bear.

“Scoot back,” you said, jerking your chin at the headboard.

Jungkook obeyed, scooting until he leaned against the latticed metalwork of the bed. Arching a brow, he asked, “What now?”

“Now,” you said, grabbing the handcuffs to move towards him. “I’m thinking about how I want you.”

He smirked. “What’re you thinking?”

“I could cuff you to the bed,” you wondered. “Or… no, I know what I want. Get back on your knees.”

Jungkook licked his lips and nodded, moving into position.

“Wait,” you said, making him pause. “Take off your pants first.”

He stopped and slid his hand under the top of his slacks. Undoing first the button, then the zipper, Jungkook slowly dragged them down muscular thighs. Once his slacks fell to his ankles, Jungkook kicked them to the floor.

“Now your boxers,” you instructed, gaze hungrily roaming his frame.

The handcuffs remained in your hand, but Jungkook paid them no attention while he stripped down to nothing. Keeping his gaze on yours, he dragged his boxers lower. The second his cock was freed, it sprang up to smack his muscled abs.

You nearly groaned at the sight of how hard he was. The tip of his cock was reddened and leaking, a thick bead of cum working its way down his shaft.

“Hands behind your back,” you said, lifting your gaze.

Jungkook did as he was told, the muscles in his biceps bulging as he went. Although you audibly swallowed, you pushed past this and went to attach the first cuff.

“Is this okay?” you asked, glancing up at his face.

Jungkook smirked. “Yeah. Put the other one on.”

Cheeks hated, you nodded and fastened the other behind his back. Jungkook exhaled, dark hair flopping forward while he experimentally tugged with his arms. The cuffs didn’t give. You stared at him a moment, drinking in the sight of him naked, kneeling and utterly yours.

Unable to stop it, you smiled.

Jungkook glanced up. “What’s that look for, baby?”

“Nothing,” you said, scooting backwards. “You just, um…”

“What?”

“Look fucking hot.”

His cheeks flushed, a fact you found endearing – even with his dick standing hard and thick between his thighs. Bending, you placed a hand on either side of his legs.

Curious, you looked up. “Have you ever done this before?”

Jungkook shook his head. “No. I never really… wanted to do this with anyone else.”

Warmth filled you, knowing exactly what he meant. There’d been no one else you trusted this much either. It was a strange thing to relinquish control, to surrender yourself to someone else and trust they wouldn’t hurt you.

“Same,” you whispered. 

You bent and licked a strip up his cock.

Jungkook groaned, head rolling back as you teased his length. Sitting up, you spit in your palm to wrap most of the way around his cock. You began to slide up and down and Jungkook exhaled, thighs twitching beneath your palm. His eyes drifted shut, enjoying your touch as you stroked his dick.

Seeing the way his arms strained at the cuffs, you grinned. “Enjoying yourself?”

He cracked open an eye. “Wanna touch you,” he said.

“Too bad,” you sing-songed, bending to wrap your lips around his cock.

Jungkook groaned, straining once more against the cuffs. You refused to take him all in your mouth at one go, sucking on the tip before tracing his sensitive head with your tongue. Jungkook exhaled, hips pushing forward in an attempt to coax you further onto his dick.

Pulling back, you left him with a pop. “Uh-uh,” you said. “You’re not the one in control here, Jeon. I am.”

“Oh, yeah?” A devilish glint entered his eyes. “Prove it.”

Heart pounding, you pushed yourself up and moved closer. Sliding a hand into his hair, you angled his head to kiss him on the lips. Jungkook melted forward, lips chasing yours before you pulled back. 

Settling just beyond his reach, you smiled and let your hand return to his cock.

“Fuck,” Jungkook whimpered.

“In a bit,” you answered, thumb brushing his tip.

Jungkook’s tongue poked the side of his cheek, staring while you continued your motions. Head lowering, you took him again in your mouth and slid partway down. Lifting off, you trailed his frenulum with your tongue and then bent to take him all the way.

“Shit,” Jungkook gasped, staring while you deep-throated his cock. “Fuck – that feels so good, baby. Ah.”

His hips bucked when you took him deeper and in response, you pulled back.

“Nope,” you said with a smirk. “Every time you do that, I’ll stop. Keep still, baby,” you said, continuing to fist him with one hand. “You can do that for me, right? Be a good boy?”

Jungkook’s gaze turned heavy with desire. “Yeah,” he breathed. “Yeah, I’ll be so fucking good for you, baby. Promise.”

Taking him back in your mouth, you hollowed your cheeks to move faster. Balancing both palms on his thighs, you forced your head down until you gagged on his cock. Pulling back, you let spit break over your lip and fisted him roughly, making him sloppy and wet.

Jungkook whimpered again, straining at the cuffs. His nipples were rock hard and upon seeing this, you lifted to lick over a nub.

“Oh, fuck,” Jungkook blurted, hips thrusting forward.

You let him fuck your hand for a few seconds, his hard length chasing the warmth of your hand. And then you pulled away, relinquishing your grip and Jungkook’s eyes widened, realizing what he’d done.

“No,” he groaned, chest sagging.

He looked utterly defeated by the realization you might stop – or at the very least, you’d make him work for it harder. The only thing wrong with this assumption was that you were now obscenely horny and just wanted him inside you.

“It’s okay, baby.” Using the same hand, you lifted his chin. “You did so well, lasting for me as long as you did.”

Jungkook looked at you, hopeful. “So, you’ll let me come?”

“Oh. No.” His face fell. “At least,” you allowed, positioning yourself over his cock, “not until I feel you inside me.”

It had been a few weeks since you had stopped using condoms. Soon after you started dating, you decided to get tested since you were already on the pill. It was worth it the first time he came inside you and swirled his fingers through the mess.

Jungkook watched you remove your sodden panties, dropping them on the floor and returning to his lap. Lowering yourself, you let the soaked folds of your center gently brush his cock. Jungkook hissed as though you had wounded him, straining against the cuffs like he could break them.

Immediately, you stopped. “Jungkook?” you asked, gaze roaming his face in concern. “Are you still okay?”

“Yeah,” he breathed, practically panting. “Fuck, yeah. I’m good, but I need to be inside you. Now.”

“So impatient,” you tsk-d, reaching to grasp his cock beneath you. One hand on his shoulder, you began to lower yourself on his length.

Just his tip entered at first, parting the velvet walls of your sex and making you moan. You’d already come once tonight, but with how tight you were, that seemed a distant memory. Sliding your hand lower on his cock, you dropped yourself lower to take him inside you.

Jungkook stared; transfixed by the sight of him entering your pussy. “You’re doing so well,” he murmured. “Feel stretched enough, baby? Need anything from me?”

“N-no,” you stuttered, already feeling the burn.

He looked up and arched a brow. “How about this?” he murmured, shifting his weight. “Since I can’t use my hands or my tongue on your pussy, how about I get you wet like this?”

“Like what?”

“Take your hand off my cock so you can touch yourself,” he suggested sweetly. “Put your finger in my mouth first, though. Wanna taste you.”

You obeyed, thighs trembling as you released him and brought your finger to his lips. Jungkook opened, wrapping his lips around your digit to easily suck. You inhaled at the sight, thoroughly aroused as you felt yourself slip another inch on his length.

Jungkook released your finger. “Now put that hand between your thighs,” he said, waiting for you to do so. “There you go, baby. I know how swollen your clit was when I sucked on you earlier. Is it still like that? Still puffy and needy for me?”

Slipping your hand between your legs, you circled your sex. “Yeah,” you breathed, sinking down on him another inch. “It’s still like that.”

“Good.” Jungkook smirked. “Give it a pinch, then slowly rub it.”

The second you did this, a wave of pleasure swept through you.

“Again,” Jungkook said.

You did it again.

“And again.”

This time when you did it, you felt your hips settle against his. Glancing down in surprise, you realized his cock had nestled all the way inside you – his thick girth split you so prettily, the wetness of your pussy soaked into his base.

“Oh,” you exhaled, looking up.

Jungkook’s eyes glinted. “Ride me.”

The way he spoke sparked fire in your veins, reaching for his shoulders as you slowly moved upwards. Once you were nearly empty, you dropped to take him all in one motion. You gasped at the sensation, head tipping back as you did it again.

Gripping his shoulders, you controlled the pace to slowly move up and down. You went purposefully slower, reveling in the feeling of him being inside you, the sight of his chest rising and falling with each breath he took.

Leaning onto your palms, you lifted your hips and sunk down on his cock. You swiveled your hips as you went, letting him feel how wet you were for him.

“Fuck,” Jungkook groaned, taking a deep breath.

His gaze roamed your chest, rising and falling with your hips; your cunt, swallowing him whole to drip onto his thighs. A moan left him at the sight of your clit, so swollen and pretty but unable to touch.

“Baby,” he moaned.

“Yeah?”

Sitting up straight, you let him fall from your body and repositioned yourself above him. Sinking down on his length, you slid both hands to his hair and eagerly kissed him. Your chests brushed as you rode him, rolling your hips over his massive cock.

Growing impatient, Jungkook finally snapped his hips upwards. “Please,” he panted, lips dropping down your throat. “Please undo the cuffs, Y/N. I need to fuck you.”

“Okay,” you agreed, reaching beside you to grab the key.

It took you a few seconds to unlock a cuff and the moment you did, Jungkook moved. He didn’t wait for the other one to be released – pushing you back on the bed, he hiked your leg up and buried himself in you to the hilt. Lips parted, you stared at him dazed as he suddenly filled you. The stretch felt so fucking good, your eyes watered.

Softening, Jungkook brushed a kiss to your lips. “That okay?” he murmured, reaching down for your clit.

It was swollen, like he said and your eyes nearly rolled back as he began to play with you.

“Oh my god, yes,” you mumbled, stretched out beneath him. “Jungkook?”

“Yeah?”

“Fuck me hard.”

His gaze immediately darkened. “Alright, baby.”

Knowing exactly what you meant by this, Jungkook pulled out. He flipped you over, pulling your ass in the air so your pussy was on display. His fingers swiped at your entrance, feeling how soaked you were before he lined himself up and plunged inside you. It was a more intense stretch this way – his cock hit so deeply like this, filling you up with a despondency you craved.

“Oh my god,” you gasped, chest pressed to the bed.

Your thighs were eagerly spread, Jungkook’s hands on your hips while he fucked himself into you. Each time he filled you left you groaning, your pussy deliciously stretched by his massive cock.

“That’s it,” Jungkook grunted, fingers gripping your waist. “God, you take my cock so well, baby. Such a good little slut for me.”

He paused, waiting for your reaction and you moaned in response. You weren’t always in the mood, but sometimes all you wanted was to be called his filthy whore. Wanted Jungkook to use your pussy like his cum dump, fucking you over and over like he couldn’t control it.

“That’s right,” you groaned, spreading your legs wider. “All yours, baby.”

Jungkook grunted and spanked you, jolting you forward. Your ass quivered when he did this again, timing his efforts with each thrust of his cock.

“Fuck yeah, it’s for me,” he panted. “Got you on all fours like a bitch in heat. You just want to be stuffed full of cock – right, baby? Want your pussy fucked full of cum?”

“Yes,” you moaned, pushing back. “Full of your cum, Jungkook. Oh.”

“That’s right – only my cum,” he said, satisfied. “Only my dick knows how to fuck you this good.”

You moaned, unable to be more coherent than that.

“You think the rest of the floor can hear you?” Jungkook mused, his hips never wavering. “Think they can hear you moaning my name, making such a sweet mess of my cock? Think they’re all jealous they don’t have a perfect pussy like yours?”

“Fuck, Jungkook!” you gasped, arching your back.

He spanked you again. “Hope they can all hear what a perfect slut you are. How nicely you take a big cock, how much you like being fucked full of my cum.”

Reaching down, Jungkook slipped an arm under your chest. He lifted you against him, pressing his chest to yours from behind. His hips never ceased, his cock continuing to split you open while he fucked like that. You could feel yourself quivering, core clenching hard on his cock while you neared your next orgasm.

Which is why it felt so sudden when Jungkook decided to pull out.

“Jungkook!” you gasped, sagging in his hold.

Your head spun, wanting – needing­ – to come and if it weren’t for his arms around you, you would have collapsed to the sheets. Jungkook kissed your neck once before he turned you around and laid you down on the bed. It was necessary for him to take the lead since your thighs were still shaking.

Balancing his weight on his palms, Jungkook gave you a shy smile. “I just…” He shook his head. “I wanted to see you.”

Melting at his words, you stared back at him. His gaze was so open, so hopeful that you lifted your arms and pulled his chest down to yours.

“Wanna see you too,” you whispered, kissing him softly.

Jungkook reached down to position himself between your thighs and this time when he filled you, it felt different. He began to move slowly, rolling his hips while he kissed down your throat.

Each thrust he gave was deep, purposeful, and designed to complete you. It did – no, he did, you realized as your arms slid around him. When he fucked you like that, each roll of his hips brushed your clit and soon enough you found yourself right back on the edge.

“Jungkook,” you groaned, pressing your face to his shoulder.

Your fingers dug into his skin, hips chasing his while he buried himself inside you. Over and over, his cock hit that place deep inside which made you cry out beneath him.

“Oh,” you gasped, clutching him tighter. “Jungkook.”

Dropping to one elbow, he began to fuck you faster. Grabbing one of your knees, he hiked this over your waist and began to thrust harder, driving you towards your orgasm.

“Love you,” he murmured, hips chasing yours. “Fuck.” Jungkook sighed. “So glad I can say that now.”

“Love you too,” you whispered, fingers curling into his hair.

With each thrust he gave, you felt yourself closer to falling apart. His heat was everywhere – on your lips, on your neck, with his thick cock inside you. It was nearly unbearable, how full of him you felt.

“Jungkook,” you whimpered, burying your face in his chest. “P-please. Come inside me. Wanna feel you.”

“Yeah?” His breath hitched. “You want me to fill you up? Get this pussy all messy with my cum?”

“Please, Jungkook,” you gasped.

“You first,” he demanded, thrusting into you with an intensity which stole the breath from your lungs.

Gasping him by the shoulders, you felt yourself clench as he fucked you harder. When you came, it was with his name on your lips and his cock inside you. Feeling you clench tightly around him, Jungkook swore and gave several deep thrusts.

It was only a few seconds later you felt him release, hot spurts of cum filling up your cunt. There was so much of it, your pussy eagerly taking until it couldn’t take anymore. You felt some of it dribble out the sides, sliding to your ass from your fucked-out hole. Jungkook stayed there as long as he could, pushing his cum deeper inside you with each lazy thrust.

Your sensitivity was overwhelming but you pushed through it, wanting him to stay inside you as long as possible. Arms wrapped around him, you pulled his chest down to yours and smiled happily upwards, feeling his cock soften inside you.

Jungkook brushed a kiss to your forehead. “Y/N…”

“Yeah?”

“Can we get this other cuff off me?”

Snorting, you looked and realized he still had the cuffs attached to his left wrist. Twisting beneath him – Jungkook whined when he slipped out – you reached for the key. He immediately brightened once the cuff was released.

You grinned. “Better?”

“Better,” Jungkook said, flopping back down.

“Jungkook!” you grunted when he landed on your hips.

“Hm?”

“I need to get up.”

“No, you don’t.” He pancaked on top of you and grinned. “See? Now you’re trapped.”

Laughing, you grabbed for his bare ass. “I really have to get up,” you said. “All your cum is still inside me, Jeon.”

“Damn, okay,” he said, shaking his head. “If that’s a hint, fine. I’ll eat it out of you, just give me a minute.”

Your eyes widened, intrigued by this idea but you pushed it aside. “No – now, Jeon,” you said.

Jungkook grinned. “Alright,” he exhaled, rolling off. “But come back here soon!”

“Or else what?” you said, swinging your legs over the bed.

“Or else I’ll be lonely.”

When he exaggeratedly pouted, you laughed.

Stretching both arms overhead, you made your way towards the bathroom. Your entire body felt sated; full of that heavy-limbed sensation which only came from a mind-blowing orgasm. At the bathroom you paused and looked over your shoulder.

Jungkook remained on the bed, hair rumpled and clothing still on the floor. He looked gorgeous, but that wasn’t what first crossed your mind. The first thing you thought was you wanted more nights like this in the future.

Not just the sex part (although that would be nice), but this. Him in your bed, ready to go to sleep next to you. Ready to wake up in the morning. Laughing and talking and just being together.

It was easy to picture yourself doing this with him five years from now, twenty, even fifty. Realizing this, you paused and waited for the panic to come.

Nothing happened and after a moment, you exhaled.

Jungkook glanced up from the bed, caught you looking and smiled – which sent a wave of rightness through you. This might be it, you realized. He might be it.

Oddly enough, the thought didn’t scare you at all.

© kpopfanfictrash, 2020. Do not copy or repost without permission.

Author’s Note: Thank you very much for reading!

THE ART OF MORE CHARACTER ASK GAME

[turnabout-sunflowers]

Tag Masterlist

GENERAL TAGS

#echo.txt - original posts #echo.png - my art #echo.fic - my fanfics #spirit channeling - answered asks #queue for turnabout - queued posts #a north star in my soul - kin tag #tagged/sent to me - posts tagged with my name, tagging me directly, or otherwise sent to me #fav tag - personal favorite posts #comfort tag #fic tag - fanfics + fanart made for fics #util server - universe that is linked discord server and all our shenanigans #music tag - lyric comics, posts w/ song lyrics as the caption, playlists, fan music, OST songs, etc. #aa anime - anything pertaining to the anime (gifs, screencaps, fanart, etc) #turnabout musical - content for the ace attorney fan musical!

SPOILER TAGS

#aa spoilers - general spoiler tag slapped onto any games/cases that my discord server hasn’t played yet.

#aa1 spoilers - phoenix wright #aa2 spoilers - justice for all #aa3 spoilers - trials & tribulations (*note: i use these tags very infrequently so there will be a lot of untagged spoilers for these games)

#aai spoilers - investigations 1 #aai2 spoilers - investigations 2

#aa4 spoilers - apollo justice #aa5 spoilers - dual destinies #aa6 spoilers - spirit of justice

#dgs spoilers - the great ace attorney: adventures / dai gyakuten saiban 1 #dgs2 spoilers - the great ace attorney: resolve / dai gyakuten saiban 2

[character, relationship, & case tags below the cut] (spoiler warning for all games-- I recommend doing ctrl+f and searching the tag you’re looking for if you’re avoiding spoilers. or you can just shoot me an ask and ask what a certain tag is for if you see me using it and are curious, I don’t mind!)

*list/links will be edited when tag names are decided

CHARACTER TAGS

#turn your thinking around - mia tag

#rookie days - rookie mia tag

#small medium at large - maya tag #sunshine and seashells - pearl tag #winging it in court - phoenix tag #eat cold chip and tell the truth - edgeworth tag #whip & neigh neigh - franziska tag #bittersweet coffee - godot/diego tag #sudden burst of sunlight - lana tag #skyentifically speaking - ema tag #god forbid women do anything - dahlia tag #love never dies when flowers are fake - iris of hazakura #love with no place to rest - misty fey/elise deauxnim #morgan tag #employleaf of the month - charley tag #modern day robin hood - kay tag #the best of debeste - sebastian tag #wheeze emoji - calisto yew/shih-na #lang tag #apple juice - apollo tag #stars lit by stage lights - trucy tag #german guitar hero - klavier tag #spitfire supernova - athena tag #simon tag #taka tag #perpetual evil scientist arc - aura tag #metis tag #juniper tag #dirt earthguy goes to space - clay tag #robots with a heart - widget, ponco, clonco, etc. #calm before the storm - nahyuta tag #rayfa tag #dhurke tag #datz tag #amara tag

#he’s so much better sideways - ryuunosuke tag #like a bolt of lightning - susato tag #kazuma tag #gina tag #iris tag #mr holmes tag #yuujin tag #haori tag #van zieks tag #klint tag #genshin tag #hosonaga tag #pet tag - the pets and animals of AA & DGS

RELATIONSHIP TAGS

(2-3 characters)

#lullaby of the waves - fey sisters tag #the defense attorney braincell (or lack thereof) - phoenix & mia tag #partners in crime & law - phoenix & maya tag #prosecutor siblings - edgeworth & franziska tag #kay & edgeworth tag #sunny skyes - skye sisters tag #perceiving you with their autistic eyes - trucy & apollo tag #wright fam - phoenix & trucy + sometimes apollo #ponytailed pair - athena & simon tag #blackquill siblings - simon & aura tag #daughter of the moon - metis & athena tag #a samurai & his sovereign - metis & simon tag #clay & apollo tag #apollo & nahyuta tag #rayfa & nahyuta tag ryuunosuke & susato tag kazuma & susato tag iris & susato tag iris & holmes tag

#intellectually attracted - lanamia tag #the bean team - miego tag #unnecessary feelings - wrightworth/narumitsu tag #they're lesbians your honor - franmaya tag #she blinded her with skyence - faraskye tag #guitar chords of steel - klapollo tag #sunflowers & moonbeams - junithena tag #astronomy in reverse (it was me who was discovered) - aurametis tag #asoryuu tag #cherry blossoms & forget me nots - susahao tag #ginasusa tag #the game is afoot - partners (holmes/mikotoba) tag

GROUP TAGS

(3-4+ characters)

#group/fam tag - tag I slap on posts when there’s a collection of characters and I don’t feel like tagging them all. Occasionally I’ll go back and edit the posts to include the character tags later. #kurain school of being a girlboss - fey clan tag #kidnapped by the fey - fey-wright siblings tag (phoenix & pearl & maya + sometimes mia) #waa tag - wright anything agency tag #prosecutor’s office - prosecutors tag #yatagarasu tag - byrne faraday & tyrell badd & calisto yew + sometimes kay #themis gang - juniper, hugh, & robin + sometimes myriam #gyaxa fam - metis, athena, aura, simon, + all other space center employees #surprise siblings squad - nahyuta & apollo & rayfa + sometimes trucy #khura’in fam - pretty general tag including nahyuta, apollo, rayfa, dhurke, datz, & amara #disney princess genetics - khura’in royal family #a dragon never yields - defiant dragons #greatest family - 221B family (ryuunosuke, susato, holmes, iris, mikotoba, kazuma, gina) #mikotoba family tag - susato & yuujin & kazuma

CASE/EPISODE TAGS

*might stop using these tags save for personal favourite cases...? will keep you posted

(PW/AA1)

#the first turnabout (1-1) #turnabout sisters (1-2) #turnabout samurai (1-3) #turnabout goodbyes (1-4) #rise from the ashes (1-5)

(JFA/AA2)

#the lost turnabout (2-1) #reunion and turnabout (2-2) #turnabout big top (2-3) #farewell my turnabout (2-4)

(T&T/AA3)

#turnabout memories (3-1) #the stolen turnabout (3-2) #recipe for turnabout (3-3) #turnabout beginnings (3-4) #bridge to the turnabout (3-5)

(☆ anime-original episodes)

#turnabout promise #sound the turnabout melody #northward turnabout express #hear the waves of turnabout

(AAI)

#turnabout visitor (AAI 1-1) #turnabout airlines (AAI 1-2) #the kidnapped turnabout (AAI 1-3) #turnabout reminiscence (AAI 1-4) #turnabout ablaze (AAI 1-5)

(AAI2)

#turnabout target (AAI 2-1) #the imprisoned turnabout (AAI 2-2) #the inherited turnabout (AAI 2-3) #the forgotten turnabout (AAI 2-4) #the grand turnabout (AAI 2-5)

(AJ/AA4)

#turnabout trump (4-1) #turnabout corner (4-2) #turnabout serenade (4-3) #turnabout succession (4-4)

(DD/AA5)

#turnabout countdown (5-1) #the monstrous turnabout (5-2) #turnabout reclaimed (5-DLC) #turnabout academy (5-3) #the cosmic turnabout (5-4) #turnabout for tomorrow (5-5)

(SOJ/AA6)

#the foreign turnabout (6-1) #the magical turnabout (6-2) #the rite of turnabout (6-3) #turnabout storyteller (6-4) #turnabout revolution (6-5) #turnabout time traveler (6-DLC)

(TGAA/DGS 1)

#the adventure of the great departure (DGS 1-1) #the adventure of the unbreakable speckled band (DGS 1-2) #the adventure of the runaway room (DGS 1-3) #the adventure of the clouded kokoro (DGS 1-4) #the adventure of the unspeakable story (DGS 1-5)

(TGAA/DGS 2)

#the adventure of the blossoming attorney (DGS 2-1) #the memoirs of the clouded kokoro (DGS 2-2) #the return of the great departed soul (DGS 2-3) #twisted karma and his last bow (DGS 2-4)  #the resolve of ryuunosuke naruhodou (DGS 2-5)

[theseerasures]

Conspicuous Media Consumption, 2021

looking back i realize that declaring “it’s that time of year again!” on the SECOND year i did this was ill-advised, because now i don’t have any other way introduce this shindig that doesn’t end up repeating myself. might have been premature, too! because this is the year i came closest to not actually meeting the goals i set due to exam fuckery eating up the entirety of my November--but hey! that’s what catch-up weeks are for.*

*not actually what catch-up weeks are for, since catch-up weeks are for catching up to media instead of forgoing media altogether so i can cram more theory i don’t understand into my head

ANYWAY. explanation for what this is here, for the...actually not-few of you who started following me this year, but the tl;dr is that i consume a different content every week for 48 weeks and share my thoughts at the end.

(”but Helen!!!” one may point out, “aren’t you already obnoxiously long-winded when you limit yourself to talking about one thing? how much longer will it take for you to talk about 48 at once???”

and...yeah. buckle up.)

Bitter Root (comic, 1 trade finished 1/1/2021): distinctly remember last year saying something to the tune of “don’t think i read enough to form lasting impressions” and wow!!!! i love being right and correct as usual. there was a literal moment when i was reading the trade this year when i whispered “holy shit” to myself, because holy shit!!! the action and characterization picked up and were top notch.

The Baby-Sitters Club (TV, 1 season finished 1/6/2021): after demon tiddy apocalypse in 2019 and Eastern European depression in 2020 i was like “fuck this!!! i’m gonna pick a CHEERFUL thing and that too will foreshadow how this year goes” and guess what! this year was terrible anyway!! but i did enjoy BSC immensely, because it was an updated adaptation with some actual thought put into it, and all the middle schoolers LOOK like middle schoolers. and are adorable, even if their middle school shenanigans gave me so much secondhand embarrassment i had to watch “Boy-Crazy Stacey” in 30 second spurts and now THAT is Leah’s entire impression of the show as opposed to the gazillion times i have protested that it is actually good

House of X/Powers of X (comic, 12 issues finished 1/7/2021): obviously i’d already read them, but X of Swords made me nostalgic all over again so i went back. still care nothing for the conspiracy mytharc nonsense, but damn does Hickman know how to characterize. Emma Frost overlooking Krakoa before sighing and declaring “one more time, then. for the children” is just *chef’s kiss*, even if i’m not too fond of RB Silva’s weirdly leonine character art.

The Prophets (book, finished 1/11/2021): what a fucking DEBUT NOVEL that instantly made it into my field exam list. “queerness among slaves in antebellum South” is breathtaking in concept alone, but the next level lyricism really made the book shine.

Immortal Hulk (comic, 2 trades finished 1/13/2021): was also more taken with this than i had been in previous years! “Hulk does social justice” feels like a hackneyed concept but Ewing’s virtuosity really makes it work.

The Revolution According to Raymundo Mata (book, finished 1/16/2021): am i lit snob?? rhetorical question don’t answer obvie but i’ve found that it’s usually books that leave me thinking “meh could be better” when i’d be more forgiving otherwise. i’d heard about Gina Apostol and both subject and style seemed like my thing so i really wanted to like it, but it didn’t end up doing a lot for me.

Evermore (album, finished 1/17/2021): is better than folklore??? as usual i am not prepared to die on this hill due to reasons of “i don’t actually care THAT much about Taylor Swift” but more songs stood out here imo

WandaVision (TV, 2 episodes finished 1/20/2021): wow, the first two episodes of this show were great, right??? i’m so glad i immediately stopped watching after the premiere so my opinion could remain unsullied, it was definitely on purpose

The Idler Wheeler is Wiser Than Wow Look at That I Made Slightly More Than a Token Effort to Write the Entire Title Down (album, finished 1/21/2021): i listened to this when it first came out, but i don’t think i was old enough to appreciate it until...basically now, almost a decade later. there’s something very disconcerting about Fiona Apple’s music, but damn does it get stuck in you anyway.

Remote Control (book, finished 1/26/2021): can you believe Nnedi Okorafor wrote TWO BOOKS this year?? it’s been a while since i read Binti, but i think i might prefer Remote Control, which is less sci fi and more...magitech realism? is that a thing? anyway, it was good. quality meditation on death, which is all anyone could want.

Lazarus (comic, 2 issues finished 1/27/2021): should i be calling it Lazarus Risen now? is that the official title? didn’t stand out as much this year, but maybe that’s because the other comics i read were so astonishingly good. i...think Johanna is planning something Devious that would upend the status quo, so i’m excited to catch up, but we haven’t gotten there yet.

We Could Be Heroes (book, finished 2/2/2021): see above: i’m a lit snob. it’s a cute book and an interesting concept, but given how much speculative fic has flexed its creative and thematic muscles in recent years it comes off as...well, as definitely a first book, which i’m not gonna fault Mike Chen for, but here we are.

Rainbow (album, finished 2/3/2021): see above: Fiona Apple nostalgia. the difference here i think is that i was already affected by this album the first time i listened to it, but revisiting it after High Road altered my experience, i think? the rage and heartbreak felt like it had more there-there, even as just a spectator.

Milk Blood Heat (book, finished 2/5/2021): absolute fabulous short story collection and probably my book of the year—and again, a DEBUT WORK. Moniz’s style is just. concentrated viscera cloaked in a matter-of-factness which both mutes and amplifies??? it’s magic??

The Old Republic (game, finished 2/7/2021): the past year’s worth of content was apparently so cursory i finished it in two days and have no memory of anything that happened. i think Lana flirted with that one buff Twi’lek sniper lady? was that this year? one of my husbands came back, the one i married less accidentally? it’s all a blur.

The Absolute Book (book, finished 2/13/2021): i don’t usually go for full-on fantasy in my novel reading these days, but i’m VERY glad i picked this up. probably the longest book i’ve read this year, and suitably epic with juuuuust the right amount of metatextual chin stroking. it was a little weird to read this and then That Ted Chiang Short Story About Angels almost immediately after for my exams, but i’m not ever gonna be UNPLEASANTLY surprised by more meditations on the divine than i anticipated.

Picture This (comic, finished 2/16/2021): don’t think i’m as taken with this than i had been with What It Is, but it’s. y’know. it’s Lynda Barry, so i loved it.

The Next Batman (comic, 4 issues finished 2/17/2021): proooobably should have read Death Metal BEFORE this instead of after, but if the point of Future State was to intrigue newcomers with accessible stories it…did succeed? i don’t know much about the Fox side of the Extended Batfam, but Ridley made them all interesting people with depth, so.

Hyperbole and a Half (comic, finished 2/19/2021): after not liking Solutions and Other Problems as much as this last year i thought i’d go back to this just to be sure i wasn’t remembering it with rose colored classes, and—nope, it’s still my preferred of the two, even though there are moments in Solutions that stand out more individually.

It’s A Sin (TV, 1 season finished 2/22/2021): as soon as i started watching i was like “this is gonna be my favorite thing of the year isn’t it” and…yeah. even if the rest of the year had not been a weirdly underwhelming trickle, this still would have clenched it. i HAVE critiques (obviously), but it’s Rusty and i love Rusty, and it feels like a Rusty who had more creative control, which…also explains some of the flaws, but i’m very happy it exists nonetheless. has the distinction of being the only show Leah and i successfully finished watching together this year

Legend of Zelda (game, Breath of the Wild finished 4/12/2021): BotW is still topical, right? the sequel released a trailer this year? anyway. i liked it! the story was decidedly on the Fine side of things, mostly because of Open World Pacing Syndrome, but Zelda was a BITCH and i love her. gameplay remains my favorite iteration of any Zelda, and i very much enjoyed watching Leah turn purple over the fact that i refused to get the Master Sword until right before the end. didn’t end up fighting a single Lynel, and i wasn’t even trying to avoid them? oh well.

Fearless (Taylor’s Version) (album, finished 4/13/2021): kind of waffled over whether i should count this since i have a strict “no re-release” policy wrt this project, but in the end i decided there was enough new content (and special context) to warrant including it. and it’s…impossible for me to gauge the quality of this, actually? a lot of songs from OG Fearless were popular during the only time in my life i listened to the radio, and hearing them again just hurled me back to the Bad High School Times, which was not fun. and it made me miss Marlena.

Way of X (comic, 1 issue finished 5/18/2021): Si Spurrier writes good comics! i feel like in recent years i’ve heard a lot of hype for his stuff, and even though i barely dipped a toe in here there was enough to get me interested. sidebar: i really do love the tight collaborative networks during Hickman’s X-Men—it feels like one writer can drop something that another WILL pick up, even if it might not be right away.

Fire Emblem (2 games: Fates and Three Houses, finished 6/12/2021): i think i’ve said all i’ve needed to on Fates and its truly GLARING misogyny here, so i’ll let that lie. Three Houses was good! i don’t think it was some kind of UTTER revolution in storytelling or whatever but it is certainly the most thoughtfully written Fire Emblem i’ve played. Edelgard is a small dumb baby and i cherish every moment i bully her. i have now played all four routes multiple times and am currently working on Crimson Flower Maddening, because i truly cannot overestimate how much Fire Emblem’s gameplay makes my brain go brrrrr, and…how the routes stack up against each other probably merits its own post, doesn’t it? so suffice to say i have complicated thoughts on it.

Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure (manga, 5 volumes finished 8/8/2021): logistical note since i know the manga has been packaged a bazillion different ways since original publication: i was going by original tankobon, which in retrospect was not a smart thing to do because it meant that i finished Phantom Blood and then read a teeeeensy bit of *Googles furtively* Battle Tendency. the wholehearted campy hilarity was enough for me to finish the first arc, but the amateurish art and (again!) rampant misogyny put me off enough that i didn’t really have any interest in continuing. yes i KNOW the anime is better i have seen some episodes yes i knoooowwwwww the stories become more sophisticated but i don’t have the patience sorry

The Tangleroot Palace (book, finished 8/14/2021): i put Monstress on my fields list and then didn’t adore it and felt like a bad Asian, so i picked this up too, and i liked it a lot!!! Marjorie Liu’s prose writing roots are impressive, and it had queer shit AND fairy tale subversion, so if i crossed my eyes a little—actually never mind

Everyday Mojo Songs of Earth (book, finished 8/19/2021): here’s something no one here knows about me but will probably make everyone go “yeah that tracks”: for the (very very short) time i toyed with the idea of writing professionally, i mostly trained as a poet. i don’t think i’ve read Komunyakaa since those days and was kind of worried i’d stopped having Those Feelings (what feelings??? i unno the poetry ones), but it was great! the thing about poetry collections is that all you really need is a couple that stand out and you’re golden, and this definitely had that.

Pressure Machine (album, finished 8/14/2021): i think this came out like two weeks after i finally caught up on the Killers albums i’d missed since Battle Born. it’s a nice change of pace! especially since i feel like their sound has become increasingly homogenized since probably Day & Age. appreciated the pretentiousness, obviously, but also kudos for being somewhat oblique as far as “art influenced by COVID” goes

Inside (special, finished 9/10/2021): speaking of not being oblique! i largely missed the Bo Burnham train when he was hitting his stride, so i’m not as big a fan, but this was still just a...gutwrenching watch. uncomfortable and ugly in a lot of places (not the least of which is the way he literally embodies discomfort and ugliness throughout), but still made me laugh in way that i think i did need.

Ms. Marvel: Stretched Thin (comic, finished 9/25/2021): i’ve grown increasingly wary of how Kamala is used as a diversity shorthand by Marvel in recent years, so i was p skeptical going in. boy did it blow my expectations out of the water tho! stylish art and a well-told story really made me remember the original charm of the character.

Star Wars (2 movies: Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, finished 10/1/2021): how long can one person procrastinate watching a terrible movie she’s already seen? almost a whole year, as it turns out. they are Bad, but v fun to watch when the only expectations going in are that you and your fiance come up with some great zingers. and we did! we’re hilarious and never out of fresh material

Playlist for the Apocalypse (book, finished 10/3/2021): i swear i didn’t set out to read any poetry this year but then a whole bunch of poets i liked published their stuff. i’ve read Rita Dove more recently than i’ve read Komunyakaa, which...means it hasn’t been that recent at all, but here we are. it’s good! there’s a sense of humor to her work that i appreciate in this medium in particular, where everyone is in constant risk of disappearing up their own ass.

Wayne Family Adventures (webcomic, 7...episodes?? finished 10/8/2021): i kept reading after that, obviously. my freak out upon discovering its existence is already well documented, but yes: it’s the Platonic ideal of a Batfam comic for me, made even better by the fact that it doesn’t bother with overt retcons and just assumes everyone gets to hang.

Lost (TV, 1 season finished 10/22/2021): it’s been a while since i’ve rewatched the entire series and the first time i’ve watched it with Leah (who has never seen), and...wow!! parts of this show have really not aged well. i take some solace in the fact that my opinion remains much the same despite television as a medium changing so drastically in the intervening years, and my opinion is that season 1 is overrated, srynotsry

Harlem Shuffle (book, finished 10/27/2021): well, i guess after two consecutive years of giving Colson Whitehead lavish praise i was due for being underwhelmed. i respect his desire to experiment with genre, but in this case i think he leaned so hard into crime thriller that what i love most about his books (ie. lyricism, compassionate empathy) didn’t feel like a priority.

The Underground Railroad (TV, finished 10/28/2021): what’s this??? being disappointed by a Colson Whitehead thing twice in a row??? nowadays i tend to get very defensive when critiques of adaptation basically boil down to “how faithful is it to the source material” because it is SUCH low hanging (and often irrelevant) fruit, but i can’t help but feel like the ways THIS deviated from the source material resulted from compromises with whoever is in charge of programing at Amazon Prime. not everything added was bad, but some (the Ridgeway focus. i’m talking about the Ridgeway focus) feel like things neither Whitehead nor Barry Jenkins would have come up with. cool to see that Owen Lars was apparently so bitter his dad married a former slave he became a slave catcher tho

Red (Taylor’s Version) (album, finished 12/4/2021): toyed with listening to it when it first came out, but that was during exam month and i was Not Emotionally Ready. Red is my favorite Taylor album and the only i know by heart, so i was very glad that this was such a creative success. interesting that this release feels like it toned DOWN the production from the original, but i suppose that mirrors her shift from slick pop to a more indie vibe. i’ve never...particularly loved All Too Well? glad y’all were happy with it tho

30 (album, finished 12/10/2021): is it just me, or has Adele really started to phone it in with the song titles? her lyrics are still Adele-standard, but i miss the days when they had more oblique or metaphorical names like Chasing Pavements. then again, the album overall seems disinterested in metaphor--makes sense given the rawness of her emotional arc during it, i suppose, but i don’t think it resonated with me as much as her past work has because of that.

Bojack Horseman (TV, 4 seasons finished 12/22/2021): well, i’ve done it! i finally got caught up to...*checks notes* the last time i was caught up with Bojack Horseman. in all honesty, i’m pretty glad that i waited until after i was therapied and medicated before coming back to this, because it’s still. a lot. something about the writing of this show just gets stuck in my head and watching the first half of any season always makes me INCREDIBLY anxious, because the inevitable fuckups are just over the horizon, but i always end up feeling...a sense of fulfillment, i guess? whenever i watch it.

Winter Recipes from the Collective (book, finished 12/23/2021): so like yes my blog name is a Louise Gluck quote yes her poetry is good yes she literally has a Nobel now yes this collection has some very good stuff that is trademark Louise but also THIS POETRY COLLECTION WAS LESS THAN FIFTY PAGES AND COST THIRTEEN DOLLARS? WHAT THE FUCK LOUISE???

Disgaea (game, unfinished): haha! nope. i picked it up because i was jonesing for more turn based strategy and had heard it described as “Fire Emblem but more tongue in cheek,” which feels like my jam, but it very much was not. turns out the utterly woeful storytelling needs wholehearted serious commitment, because when it ditches that in favor of “haha! i also think this is absurd!!” it just becomes...embarrassing for everyone. will probably never finish it, to be honest.

last year i remember feeling exhausted from keeping up with all the franchises, so i went out of my way to pick less oversaturated stuff. results are...mixed? there weren’t a lot of bad things, but there were quite a few things that were mediocre, or less good that i’d hoped. the indie stuff certainly didn’t make me MISS franchises, though, because even though i wasn’t consuming them everywhere i turned another thing was getting remastered or spinoffed or released or what have you, so...am i out of touch? no. it is the children who are wrong

[popculty]

52 Films by Women: 2020 Edition

Another annual challenge complete!

Last year, I focused on diversifying my list. This year I kept that intention but focused on watching more non-American films and films from the 20th century. Specifically, I sought out Agnès Varda’s entire filmography, after her death in 2019. (I was not disappointed - What a filmmaking legend we lost.) 

I also kept a film log for the first time and have included some of my thoughts on several films from that log. I made a point of including reviews both positive and negative, because I think it’s important to acknowledge the variability and breadth of the canon, so as not to put every film directed by a woman on a pedestal. (Although movies directed by women must clear a much higher bar to be greenlit, meaning generally higher quality...But that’s an essay for another day :)

* = directed by a woman of color

bold = fave

1. The Rhythm Section (2020) dir. Reed Morano - Not as good as it could have been, given Morano’s proven skill behind the camera, but also not nearly as bad as the critics made it out to be. And unbelievably refreshing to see a female revenge story not driven by sexual assault or the loss of a husband/child.

2. Cléo de 5 à 7 (1962) dir. Agnès Varda - If you ever wanted to take a real-time tour of Paris circa 1960, this is the film for you.

3. Little Women (2019) dir. Greta Gerwig - Still my favorite Little Women adaptation. I will re-watch it every year and cry.

4. Varda by Agnès (2019) dir. Agnès Varda & Didier Rouget

5. Booksmart (2019) dir. Olivia Wilde - An instant classic high school comedy romp that subverts all the gross tropes of its 1980s predecessors.

6. Girls of the Sun (2018) dir. Eva Husson

7. Blue My Mind (2017) dir. Lisa Brühlmann

8. Portrait of a Lady On Fire (2019) dir. Céline Sciamma - Believe the hype. This film is a master thesis on the female gaze, and also just really effing gorgeous.

9. Belle Epine (2010) dir. Rebecca Zlotowski

10. Vamps (2012) dir. Amy Heckerling - With Krysten Ritter and Alicia Silverstone as modern-day vampires, I was so ready for this movie. But it feels like a bad stage play or a sit-com that’s missing a laugh-track. Bummer.

11. *Birds of Prey (2020) dir. Cathy Yan - Where has this movie been all our lives?? Skip the next onslaught of Snyder-verse grim-darkery and give me two more of these STAT! 

12. She’s Missing (2019) dir. Alexandra McGuinness

13. The Mustang (2019) dir. Laure de Clermont-Tonnere - Trigger warning for the “protagonist” repeatedly punching a horse in the chest. I noped right out of there.

14. Monster (2003) dir. Patty Jenkins – I first watched this movie when I was probably too young and haven’t revisited it since. The rape scene traumatized me as a kid, but as an adult I appreciate how that trauma is not the center of the movie, or even of Aileen’s life. Everyone still talks about how Charlize “went ugly” for this role, but the biggest transformation here isn’t aesthetic, it’s physical – the way Theron replicates Wuernos’ mannerisms, way of speaking, and physicality. That’s why she won the Oscar. I also love that Jenkins calls the film “Monster” (which everyone labels Aileen), but then actually uses it to tell the story of how she fell in love with a woman when she was at her lowest, and that saved her. That’s kind of beautiful, and I’m glad I re-watched it so that I could see the story in that light, instead of the general memory I had of it being a good, feel-bad movie. It’s so much more than that.

15. Water Lilies (2007) dir. Céline Sciamma – Sciamma’s screenwriting and directorial debut, the first in her trilogy on youth, is as painfully beautiful as its sequels (Tomboy and Girlhood). It’s also one of the rare films that explores the overlap of queerness and girl friendships.

16. The Trouble with Angels (1966) dir. Ida Lupino – Movies about shenanigan-based female friendships are such rare delights. Rosalind Russel is divine as Mother Superior, and Hayley Mills as “scathingly brilliant” as the pranks she plays on her. Ida Lupino’s skill as an editor only enhances her directing, providing some truly iconic visual gags to complement dialogue snappy enough for Gilmore Girls. 

17. Vagabond (1985) dir. Agnès Varda – Shot with a haunting realism, this film has no qualms about its heroine’s inevitable, unceremonious death, which it opens with, matter-of-factly, before retracing her final (literal) steps to the road-side ditch she ends up in. (I’m partly convinced said heroine was the inspiration for Sarah Manning in Orphan Black.)

18. One Sings, The Other Doesn’t (1977) dir. Agnès Varda – Probably my favorite classic Varda, this film feels incredibly personal. It’s essentially a love story about two best friends with very different lives. For an indie made in the ‘70s, the diversity, scope, and themes of the film are impressive. Even if the second half a drags a bit, the first half is absolute perfection, engaging the viewer immediately, and clipping along, sprinkling in some great original songs that were way progressive for their time (about abortion, female bodily autonomy, etc) and could still be considered “bangers” today.

19. Emma (2020) dir. Autumn de Wilde

20. Black Panthers (1969) dir. Agnès Varda

21. Into the Forest (2016) dir. Patricia Rozema - When the world was ending (i.e. the pandemic hit) this was the first movie I turned to - a quiet, meditative story of two sisters (Elliot Page and Evan Rachel Wood) surviving off the land after a sudden global blackout. Four years later, it’s still one of my favorite book-to-screen adaptations. I fondly remember speaking with director Patricia Rozema at the 2016 Chicago Critics Film Festival after a screening, her love for the source material and desire to “get it right” so apparent. I assured her then, and reaffirm now, that she really did.

22. City of Trees (2019) dir. Alexandra Swarens

23. Never Rarely Sometimes Always (2020) dir. Eliza Hittmann - To call this a harrowing and deeply personal journey of a sixteen-year-old who must cross state lines to get an abortion would be accurate, but incomplete. It is a story so much bigger than that, about the myriad ways women’s bodies and boundaries are constantly violated.

24. Paradise Hills (2019) dir. Alice Waddington

25. *Eve’s Bayou (1996) dir. Kasi Lemmons – I’ve been meaning to watch Kasi Lemmons’ directorial debut for many years now, and I’m so glad I finally have, because it fully deserves its icon status, beyond being one of the first major films directed by a black woman. Baby Jurnee Smollett's talent was immediately recognizable, and she has reminded us of it in Birds of Prey and Lovecraft Country this year. If merit was genuinely a factor for Oscar contenders, she would have taken home gold at eleven years old. Beasts of the Southern Wild has been one of my all-time favorites, but now I realize that most of my appreciation for that movie actually goes to Lemmons for blazing the trail with her story of a young black girl from the bayou first. It’s also a surprisingly dark story about memory and abuse and familial relationships that cross lines - really gutsy and surprising themes, especially for the ‘90s.

26. Blow the Man Down (2019) dir. Bridget Savage Cole & Danielle Krudy - Come and get your sea shanty fix!

27. Touchy Feely (2013) dir. Lynn Shelton - R.I.P. :(

28. Hannah Gadsby: Douglas (2020) dir. Madeleine Parry - If you thought Gadsby couldn’t follow up 2018′s sensational Nanette with a comedy special just as sharp and hilarious, you would have been sorely mistaken.

29. Girlhood (2013) dir. Céline Sciamma

30. Breathe (2014) dir. Mélanie Laurent

31. *A Dry White Season (1989) dir. Euzhan Palcy

32. Laggies (2014) dir. Lynn Shelton

33. *The Old Guard (2020) dir. Gina Prince-Bythewood – Everything I’ve ever wanted in an action movie: Immortal gays, Charlize Theron wielding a labrys (battle axe), kinetic fight choreography I haven’t seen since the last Bond movie…Watched it twice, then devoured the comics it was adapted from, and I gotta say: in the hands of black women, it eclipses the source material. Cannot wait for the just-announced sequel.

34. Morvern Callar (2002) dir. Lynn Ramsay

35. Shirley (2020) dir. Josephine Decker

36. *Radioactive (2019) dir. Marjane Satrapi – The story is obviously well worth telling and the narrative structure – weaving in the future consequences of Curie’s discoveries – is clever, but a bit awkwardly executed and overly manipulative. There are glimpses of real brilliance throughout, but it feels as if the director’s vision was not fully realized, to my great disappointment. Nonetheless, I appreciated seeing Marie Curie's story being told by a female director and embodied by the always wonderful Rosamund Pike.

37. *The Half of It (2020) dir. Alice Wu - I feel like a real scrooge for saying this, but this movie did nothing for me. Nothing about it felt fresh, authentic or relatable. A real disappointment from the filmmaker behind the wlw classic Saving Face.

38. Mouthpiece (2018) dir. Patricia Rozema - I am absolutely floored. One of those films that makes you fall in love with the art form all over again. Patricia Rozema continues to prove herself one of the most creatively ambitious and insightful directors of our time, with this melancholic meditation on maternal grief and a woman’s duality.

39. Summerland (2020) dir. Jessica Swale - The rare period wlw love story that is not a) all-white or b) tragedy porn. Just lovely.

40. *The Last Thing He Wanted (2020) dir. Dee Rees – As rumored, a mess. Even by the end, I still couldn’t tell you who any of the characters are. Dee, we know you’re so much better than this! (see: Mudbound, Pariah)

41. *Cuties (2020) dir. Maïmouna Doucouré – I watched this film to 1) support a black woman director who has been getting death threats for her work and 2) see what all the fuss is about. While I do think there were possibly some directorial choices that could have saved quite a bit of the pearl-clutching, overall, I didn’t find it overly-exploitative or gross, as many (who obviously haven’t actually watched the film) have labeled it. It certainly does give me pause, though, and makes me wonder whether children can ever be put in front of a camera without it exploiting or causing harm to them in some way. It also makes one consider the blurry line between being a critique versus being an example. File this one under complicated, for sure.

42. A Call to Spy (2019) Lydia Dean Pilcher – An incredible true story of female spies during WWII that perfectly satisfied my itch for British period drama/spy thriller and taught me so much herstory I didn’t know.

43. Kajillionaire (2020) dir. Miranda July - I was lucky enough to attend the (virtual) premiere of this film, followed by an insightful cast/director Q&A, which only made me appreciate it more. July's offbeat dark comedy about a family of con artists is queerer and more heartfelt than it has any right to be, and a needed reprieve in a year of almost entirely white wlw stories. The family's shenanigans are the hook, but it's the budding relationship between Old Dolio (an almost unrecognizable Evan Rachel Wood) and aspiring grifter Melanie (the luminous Gina Rodriguez) that is the heart of the story.

44. Misbehaviour (2020) dir. Philippa Lowthorpe – Again, teaching me herstory I didn’t know, about how the Women’s Liberation Movement stormed the 1970 Miss World Pageant. Keira Knightley and Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s characters have a conversation in a bathroom at the end of the film that perfectly eviscerates well-meaning yet ignorant white feminism, without ever pitting women against each other - a feat I didn’t think was possible. I also didn’t think it was possible to critique the male gaze without showing it (*ahem Cuties, Bombshell, etc*), but this again, invents a way to do it. Bless women directors.

45. *All In: The Fight for Democracy (2020) dir. Liz Garbus and Lisa Cortes – 2020’s 13th. Thank god for Stacey Abrams, that is all.

46. *The 40-Year-Old Version (2020) dir. Radha Blank – This scene right here? I felt that in my soul. This whole film is so good and funny and heartfelt and relatable to any artist trying to walk that tightrope of “making it” while not selling their soul to make it. My only initial semi-note was that it’s a little long, but after hearing Radha Blank talk about how she fought for the two-hour run-time as a way of reclaiming space for older black women, I take it back. She’s right: Let black women take up space. Let her movie be as long as she wants it to be. GOOD FOR HER.

47. Happiest Season (2020) dir. Clea Duvall - Hoooo boy. What was marketed as the first lesbian Christmas rom-com is actually a horror movie for anyone who’s ever had to come out. Throw in casual racism and a toxic relationship treated as otp, and it’s YIKES on so many levels. Aubrey Plaza, Dan Levy, and an autistic-coded Jane are the only (underused) highlights.

48. *Monkey Beach (2020) dir. Loretta Todd

49. *Little Chief (2020) dir. Erica Tremblay – A short film part of the 2020 Red Nation Film Festival, it’s a perfect eleven minutes that I wish had gone on longer, if only to bask in Lily Gladstone in a leading role.

50. First Cow (2019) dir. Kelly Reichardt – I know Kelly Reichardt’s style, so I’ll admit-- even as I was preparing for an excellent film, I was also reaching for my phone, planning on only half paying attention during all the inevitable 30-second shots of grass blowing in the wind. (And yes, there are plenty of those.) But twenty minutes in, my phone was set aside and forgotten, as I am getting sucked into this beautiful story about two frontiersman trying to live their best domestic life.There is only one word to describe this film and that is: PURE. I’ve never seen such a tender platonic relationship between men on screen before, and it’s not lost on me that it took a woman to show us that tenderness. Reichardt gives us two men brought together by fate, and kept together by a shared dream and the simple pleasure of not being alone in such a hard world; two men who spend their days cooking, trapping, baking, and dreaming of a better life; two men who don’t say much, but feel everything for each other. The world would be a much better place if men showed us this kind of vulnerability and friendship toward each other. Oh, and it’s also a brutal take-down of capitalism and the myth of the American Dream!

51. Wonder Woman 1984 (2020) dir. Patty Jenkins - My most-anticipated film for the past two years was...well, a mixed bag, to say the least. Too many thoughts on it for a blog post, so stay tuned for the upcoming podcast ep where we go all in ;)

52. *Selah and the Spades (2019) dir. Tayarisha Poe

I hope this gives you some ideas to kick off your new year with a resolution to support more female directors!

What were your favorite women-directed movies of last year? Let me know in the tags, comments, or asks!

[mistressxgrace]

Lost My Senses | G&M

Well...now what should she do? Matthew had come to spend some time with Gina, so she had graciously allowed them to be alone. But now she herself was left feeling oddly as if she were floating about. Boredom was no new feeling to the vampire, as she had an admittedly short attention span. But this drifting feeling..that she did not like. Classes were cancelled for the duration of the event, and she had already closed the shop in anticipation of being with her beloved claim. Not that there would be much business anyway she assumed, as most everyone was scattered around the island at the different stations. With a nod, Grace figured she could do as much herself. Not all of the island’s shenanigans held much of an interest to her but..this one did seem to hold a certain amount of potential. So she began her own exploration, starting with the administration building. Sensory play, if she were not mistaken. Very interesting... Grace scanned the faces there, before settling on one who was new to her but still somewhat familiar. A student in the theater department, yes? Well then..it would be very rude of her to not at least introduce herself wouldn’t it. Yes.. She must get to know students who may be her own.

“Hello darling, I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure of meeting yet have we?” Grace drawled. “I am Professor Carleton, the new Theater Arts professor”

@muradassan​

[curator-on-ao3]

A Little Bit More

Ooh ah, just a little bit Ooh ah, a little bit more Ooh ah, just a little bit You know what I'm I'm looking for -- “Ooh Aah... Just a Little Bit” by Gina G

Recently, the ladies of the @voyager-book-club shared recommendations for fics they felt deserve some extra lovin’ -- by authors outside of book club. But book club is a powerhouse of fic writing and here is a list of fics by book club authors that other book clubbers nominated as excellent pieces of storytelling that deserve “a little bit more” readership, love, attention -- you name it. Please consider reading and giving these fics some lovin’.

Evasive Action (M) by IceCream_Junkie: Katrina Cornwell/Gabriel Lorca; This is a great little fic that focuses on THAT scene in the first season of Disco. You know you liked it, you know you need more of it, you know you want those feels. So read this fic .;) (recommended by @killermanatee)

Quicksilver (G) by Helen8462: Harry Kim/Seven of Nine; K/7 in general deserves more attention than it gets, and this is my favorite K/7 fic. It’s heartbreaking in the way you’d expect from Course: Oblivion, but it one-ups the episode with the ending and gives us a beautiful relationship to root for—and grieve for—that we didn’t get in canon. (recommended by @cnrothtrek)

Across Oceans (M) by BlackVelvet42: Chakotay/Seven of Nine; On the show, the relationship between Seven and Chakotay came seemingly out of nowhere and because of that felt forced. However, in this story BlackVelvet lets it build slowly over time making it so much more believable. It's an enjoyable story even if, like me, you don't ship them. (recommended by @icecream-junkie)

War Torn (T) by Curator: Kathryn Janeway & Miles O’Brien, Kathryn Janeway/Mark Johnson; This fic is such a meaningful story about a mission in the Federation-Cardassian war that connects two pieces of canon (one from TNG and one from VOY) in a way that is brilliant and heartbreaking and ALL THE THINGS. Drop everything and read it, and give it some much-deserved love. Hands down, my favorite fanfic ever. (recommended by @cnrothtrek)

A Patient Man (G) by Helen8462: Kathryn Janeway/Mark Johnson; I love explorations of the beautiful, tragic love between Kathryn and Mark, and this one stands out for following Mark as he faces canceling their wedding and later makes the heart-wrenching decision to move on. Plus Ben Sisko makes a short appearance, which is wonderful. (recommended by @cnrothtrek)

uncharted (E) by killermanatee: Christopher Pike/Kathryn Janeway; It is the ONLY fic with this pairing and dang it I LOVE this pairing!! Also, Killermanatee writes Kathryn Janeway like no other. I love her version and I love how she explores her. To get to read her put my rare pair together was just awesome! (recommended by @ariella884) Also recommended by @allthewians, who says, “This is a lovely Janeway/Pike fic. It was the first time I'd read that paring, and I'm into it,” and by @icecream-junkie, who says, “Time travel shenanigans leading to sexy times. What’s not to like? ;-)”

160 Shades of JetC (Series) (G) by khurst: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway; So to be honest it's been a really long time since I read this entire series, but I remember really enjoying all these small moments from each episode. I want this to get some more love, because maybe she will come back to it and finish ALL the episodes! (recommended by @ariella884)

The Prisons You Inhabit (T) by MiaCooper: Chakotay, B’Elanna Torres, Ayala, Kurt Bendera; Mia is arguably the most popular writer in the Voyager fandom, so I don’t understand how the fuck this fic has such low stats. It’s amazing! She deftly provides us with a look into Chakotay’s harsh experiences in the Maquis, his “angry warrior” moniker, and his thoughts/feelings when he agrees to be Janeway’s XO. It’s a much-needed insight into one of the show’s most short-changed characters. (recommended by @cnrothtrek)

Where There is Love There is Life - Fictober 2019 (G) by arcadia75: Carla Johnson/Mark Johnson, Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Kathryn Janeway & Mark Johnson, Carla Johnson & Kathryn Janeway; These drabbles were my true introduction to the form and they have stayed with me ever since. Each of these eighteen, 100-word explorations of Carla and Mark’s relationship is a gem. Read them all and you’ll feel richer. (recommended by @curator-on-ao3)

Air (G) by cnroth: Marla Gilmore & Joe Carey; Remember the first time you finished Equinox II and you thought, wow, it’s going to be interesting watching this new crew integrate into Voyager? Well, where the show failed you, cnroth has your back with this gorgeous exploration of Marla Gilmore’s strength and fears. Bonus: Joe Carey being awesome (because, hello, he’s Joe Carey). This fic has lived in my heart since the first time I read it, and I think it’s worth a place in yours. (recommended by @curator-on-ao3)

The Sun and the Other Stars (T) by ariella884: Kathryn Janeway/Mark Johnson; This fic offers everything you hoped their relationship was. It's sweet and romantic and knowing that their relationship was doomed makes it also bittersweet. I just adore this moment between them and fully accept it as headcanon. (recommended by @killermanatee) Also recommended by @arcadia75, who says, "I have such a soft spot for Mark and this is just a lovely story of a pre-series moment between Mark and Kathryn."

The Dying of the Light (T) by cnroth: Janeway/Chakotay; Okay. You guys. I will eternally tell everyone who will hold still long enough just what a beautifully heart-breaking piece of art this is. It's based on the TNG episode "The Inner Light" but about 500 times better. At least. This fis is beyond fantastic and it's a fandom crime that it doesn't have more comments and kudos. (recommended by @killermanatee)

Fatal Mistake (T) by muldy: Janeway/Chakotay, Tessa Omond/Chakotay; This is the only reading of Tessa I will ever accept because it's perfect. It's the Timeless fic I've always wanted and that this fandom deserves. How on earth this gem currently stands at 39 kudos and 11 comments is beyond me. It's such a wonderful reading of Tessa and it deserves so much more love. (recommended by @killermanatee)

to falter (M) by Miss_Mil: Janeway/Chakotay; This is a gut-wrenching, but wonderfully poetic addition to Full Circle focused on Chakotay. I love every single word in this fic. Everyone should read it and comment and leave kudos. Even if you haven't read Full Circle, because this fic is just so damn good. (recommended by @killermanatee)

Take This Waltz (M) by BlackVelvet42: Janeway/Chakotay; Part of the 2019 Cohen fest, I hope you know what to expect from this. ;) Because it is certainly dark and painful and a punch to the gut. But it is also incredibly beautiful at the same time. It's such an honest depiction of depression and loss and how it impacts the love you feel. Just a wonderful fic. (recommended by @killermanatee)

Severed Hearts (M) by Devovere: Chakotay & Torres, Chakotay/Torres, Janeway/Chakotay, Torres/Paris; THIS FIC! YOU GUYS! How can it possibly only have 46 kudos???? This is a brilliant piece showing what getting older does to these characters, how their lives have changed them and how they struggle to cope and it's so, so, so beautiful in all its pain. Read it!! (recommended by @killermanatee)

In plain view (E) by Icecream_junkie, Killermanatee: Sylvia Tilly & Number One, Christopher Pike/Christopher Pike, Christopher Pike/Sylvia Tilly/Christopher Pike; A very kinky and very good BDSM AU, that deserves so much more love (recommended by @allhewians)

formal wear (E) by Killermanatee: Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Christopher Pike; Hot dudes in dress uniforms being kinky, I love it (recommended by @allthewians)

For You (E) by Killermanatee: Philip Boyce/Christopher Pike; It's sex with feels, and I couldn't ask for more, everyone should take a read:) (recommended by @allthewians)

Within my reach (I could have touched!) (E) by IceCream_Junkie, Killermanatee: Christopher Pike/Sylvia Tilly; A great Pike/Tilly AU. It's funny and sexy and just amazing. One of my favourites (recommended by @allthewians)

A thing that can ignite (E) by IceCream_Junkie, Killermanatee: Christopher Pike/Sylvia Tilly; Another very sexy Pike/Tilly AU. I love the way the characters are written so much (recommended by @allthewians)

You Make It Easy (E) by TheShorty: Christopher Pike/Sylvia Tilly; Sexy and sweet Pike/Tilly fic (recommended by @allthewians)

Begging Angels for a Sin (E) by TheShorty: Christopher Pike/Sylvia Tilly; I really love the way both Pike and Tilly are written, and I like the sexyness (recommended by @allthewians)

Lighthouse (E) by Wians: Philip Boyce/Christopher Pike; This isn't just any Pike/Boyce fic. It's a DISCO-SPECIFIC Pike/Boyce fic. On top of that it's sweet and sexy and such a perfect add-on to season 2 of Discovery. It is labelled as incomplete, but I promise you won't be left hanging. (recommended by @killermanatee)

Every New Beginning Comes from Some Other Beginning’s End (G) by curator: everyone; This is an amazing sequence of portraits of what you didn't see in Endgame.  Very in-character and very striking. (recommended by @amoderngirl)

Yaala (E) by Prixin47: Janeway/OC; I used to run away from OC pairings, and this is the story that changed my mind about them for good.  Super sexy and fun, with a great Tom and Harry moment as a bonus. (recommended by @amoderngirl)

Red Queen Running (T) by Caladenia: Janeway/Chakotay, Janeway, Seven, B'Elanna; This is a cracking fun adventure that builds off of one of my favorite episodes, "Distant Origin."  Read this to see the Voyager ladies kick some ass! (recommended by @amoderngirl)

The road ahead (T-E) by Killermanatee & Wians: Christopher Pike/Sylvia Tilly; The first story is tagged "It gets worse before it gets better" and it does, but all these stories are so beautifully written that I happily accepted the heartache. If you don't want to read the whole series, at least read the third story "To not lose heart", because it is absolutely amazing. (recommended by @icecream-junkie)

When the West Wind Moves (M) by Devovere: Katrina Cornwell/Gabriel Lorca; I may be biased, because this story was gifted to me, but it hit me right in the feelz – repeatedly. I love how the relationship between Lorca and Cornwell is portrayed here and how much they care for each other. (recommended by @icecream-junkie)

Venom (T) by Helen8462: Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay; A delicious dark snack (recommended by BlackVelvet42)

A Long Journey’s Night (G) by Curator: Kathryn Janeway & Kathryn Janeway; Pick any fic from this writer and prepare yourself for a pleasant, refreshing surprise. (recommended by BlackVelvet42)

Shattering Glass (T) by Devovere: Janeway/Chakotay; This is a brilliant reinterpretation of the first scene in the Full Circle relaunch novel.  So heartbreaking and beautifully written. (recommended by @arcadia75)

[bojokehorseman]

The Big BJ Meta

Part One: Analysis of Seasons 1 - 5

So Bojack is a show that is as much about morality and accountability as it is about dealing with existential loneliness and trauma. And bc Boj season six is the first part of an accumulation of a six season journey, we need to recap a little.

[major triggers for alcohol, drugs, parental abuse, sexual abuse and physical abuse]

Season 1 introduces us to this dissatisfied, overly-privileged, cynical narcissist. Boj, in my opinion, is prototypical of literally any male art teacher: a self-proclaimed worldly artist who’s given up on his dreams and tends to take it out on everyone else & self destruct despite his occasional moments of genuine wit. We briefly explore his neglectful childhood and his dysfunctional influence on his TV daughter, Sarah Lynn, that continues to present day.

Diane’s book—which, inexplicably, is clearly not written as a ghostwritten autobio but maybe this breach in contract is bc the penguin editor is so desperate—anyways, boj’s strong negativity to Diane’s book represents not only his self hatred but his inability to accept the way he’s perceived by others. He wants to disassociate from the bad parts of his personality as to avoid their consequences and continue the cycle anew. When Bojack asks Diane if he’s a good person “deep down”, Diane tells him he can only be a good person by doing good things. Looking back at the relationships he’s sabotaged: Herb, Todd, Diane, even Sarah Lynn, this depresses him. However, his tell-all book and his negative worldview are what get him his dream role. The season ends with him signing an autograph at the planetarium, subsequent to watching old Horsin Around DVDs. I suspect he visited the planetarium in an attempt to reconnect w Sarah Lynn (conscious or otherwise), meanwhile the autograph signifies that on a superficial level, he’s on top of the world.

Boj season 2 explores how he tries to “cure” his depression by pushing down his negative feelings and replacing them with new goals, new furniture, new podcasts. But as Kelsey Jennings says, people get stuck in a loop of arrested development when their emotional growth goes unchallenged, exemplified by the fact that Boj finds himself dating the one and only woman on Earth who’s mentally stuck in the eighties due to a twenty-year coma. This aggressive positivity to the point of delusion shows up especially when Bojack is unable to act out serious scenes in secretariat and is more comically exemplified in Princess Carolyn’s relationship to a ten year old in a trench coat.

Boj’s self-help attitude subsides when he receives a call from his emotionally vaulted mother and Herb dies of a peanut allergy. With the realisation that his dream job hasn’t fulfilled him, he seeks meaning in his old crush Charlotte who was once Herb’s beard. The reality that Charlotte’s settled down with a family in New Mexico, thus crushing his domestic fantasy of them living in a cottage in mane, spurs him further into escapism and destructive tendencies. He takes adavange of Charlotte’s teenaged daughter, having displaced his feelings toward Charlotte onto Penny. (Themes of sexual assault are also explored in the Hanky After Dark B plot.) Charlotte kicks him out and Bojack tries to mend his relationship with Todd by rescuing him from Scientologists an improv cult. Bojack then renames the Bojack Horseman Orphanage (funded by his horsin around money) in honour of Herb. The Jogging Baboon tells him, ‘Every day it gets easier. But you gotta do it everyday. That’s the hard part. But it gets easier.’ Despite his inappropriate bender with Penny, Bojack ends the season with small efforts to become a better person, through action rather than superficial notions of “deep down” or self help.

In s3, Boj spends the season promoting a movie he wasn’t actually in. During the award winning silent episode which makes the most use out of the series’ drowning metaphor (water as depression; swimming as the acceptance of accountability and the small daily acts that connect you with people and make life bearable), Bojack’s failed attempt to reconcile with Kelsey for getting her fired leads him instead into rescuing a baby seahorse separated from their father. Boj, however still has not found a sense of meaning in his life as he admits to Jill Pill that he wants to make work that “connects with people” and “lasts” and hopes that an Oscar win will afford him the legacy he craves. Bojack further sabotages his relationship with Todd when he sleeps w Todd’s high school sweetheart, Emily (notably after he’s sabotaged then saved a lesbian wedding). Shenanigans lead him to reminisce with Princess Carolyn, admitting that he loves her but ultimately refusing to be her client. Bojack loses his Oscar then spirals back into yet another season finale depressive episode, once more with Sarah Lynn. After Sarah Lynn dies, Bojack goes along with Ethan’s idea of a spinoff of Horsin Around but eventually leaves, scared he’ll recreate his destructive tendencies with (and possibly kill) his child actor co-star. After Todd burns their bridge, Boj is aimlessly driving his Tesla at suicidal speeds until he notices a group of horses racing in the desert, moved by the authenticity of what Secretariat merely imitates.

Season 4 has Bojack try to reconcile his mother’s trauma with the abuse she made him suffer all while Beatrice isn’t lucid enough to be cognitively present. Hollyhock, as his potential daughter, is symbolically aligned with Penny and Sarah Lynn: young women who faced the consequences of Bojack’s toxicity. This season’s twist, however, introduces the idea that Bojack is a part of a cycle of abuse. Hollyhock is his sister, conceived bc of his father’s affair with the maid. Her abandonment at birth isn’t Bojacks’s fault but rather Butterscotch’s infidelity and Beatrice’s obsession with class and appearances (which is admittedly a v pragmatic move in her point of view). Beatrice’s trauma w food disorder explains her abusive behaviour towards Hollyhock who herself becomes traumatised and physically ill from the diet pills Beatrice hid in Holly’s smoothies. Bojack finds hope in Hollyhock who stands as evidence that his legacy of trauma and abuse isn’t inherent, Hollyhock, however has to deal with the trauma of being secretly drugged.

Season five more explicitly explores themes of sexual abuse, previously only briefly touched upon with Penny and Hank’s characters. Bojack stars as a jaded street smart detective, an uncanny charicature of his own personality. This season has Bojack try in earnest to be sober. In Free Churro, another award winning experimental episode, Bojack nihilistically reflects on his relationship with his mother. With her death, all of his abusers will have gone to the other side, leaving him with the responsibility of continuing or abolishing the abuse cycle. When Boj develops an addiction to painkillers, he spirals down an addiction hole that compromises his relationship w co-star Gina and even his relationship to reality. Bojack physically assaults her onset. Gina decides not to go public to further her career. Diane discovers Bojack’s history with Penny and writes it into the story of Bojack’s show before confronting him about it directly at the premiere. Bojack admits to Diane that he feels victimised by the guilt his abuse causes him, signaling that Boj is still in denial and unable to accept the consequences of his actions. (“Fun” fact Boj hints at what he did to Sharona in this scene) Bojack later consfesses to Diane that he thinks he’s a bad person while Diane accuses him of using black and white morality to avoid his own sense of responsibility because there’s “no such thing as bad people” only “bad actions”. Diane decides that Bojack is a bad influence for her, Bojack admits he doesn’t know how to take responsibility for himself and Diane drives him to rehab.

TL ; DR

Season one was about accepting the dissonance between your self perception and your actions.

Season two asserts that trying to escape from yourself or finding purpose in superficial goals that aren’t oriented toward connection w others is futile. Meaning comes from bridging the gap through small acts of (empathetic) honesty and kindness, as The Jogging Baboon advises.

In season three, Boj tries but is not ultimately able to come to terms with the people he’s hurt, namely Sarah Lynn and Penny. The guilt consumes him and he copes once more through escapism and self-destruction until an epiphany in the form of running horses makes him realise what his life might look like if he was honest with himself.

Season four explores Bojack’s actions in the context of his childhood trauma as well as the trauma of his own abusers: his mother. His sister represents a fallacy in his fatalistic notion that all Horseman dna is toxic and offers him hope.

Season five however comes with the confession that Bojack doesn’t know how to properly take responsibility for his actions, as a celebrity he’s never truly held accountable and is enabled to continue to indulge in escapism and denial. This season marks the worst thing that he’s ever done on screen: choke his co-star. Second to that is how he enabled Sarah Lynn’s addiction, slept w her, and neglected her as her father figure. Finally Bojack tried to sleep with his crush’s seventeen year old daughter after getting her drunk at her own prom. All of which are brought up again in season five but almost never mentioned in season six (Part 1) outside the very beginning and very end. Diane takes Bojack to rehab as his first step toward true self-awareness.

Part Two: here

[ariesbilly]

Mary and Gladys headcanons ?

like in a relationship or just in general? 

a romantic relationship between those two would be off the charts. too powerful. theyre both dom tops like.... its a lot going on in the bedroom. but gladys would be so affectionate with mary in all settings...

according to the google mollys got 2 inches on gina and i think thats important to note. gladys is smaller but shes the big spoon 🤧

and their PARENTING! there is no good cop/bad cop. its bad cop/worse cop. the kids do not even PLAY around them they save that shit for when their soft ass dads are around

ive also long headcanoned that gladys and mary became friends through fred and fp and had to forge a friendship if only to have some solidarity against all that stupid cuz they were the only ones with the braincells in that bunch. although... sometimes mary really had her hands full cuz gladys’ mischievous nature took over and she wanted in on whatever shenanigans fred and fp were pulling.

and the intellectualism! gladys has someone she can go to for book recs/discussions and mary always knows who to call for a night of french arthouse cinema viewing. they go to art museums together. gladys is really fond of anything with tiddies.

and they sing lots of old jazz together!!! (they sing lots of things but jazz is really their go-to when theyre together) theyre like the fredheads but talented. they always joked in high school they were gonna start up a rival band (they may or may not have actually signed up for a talent show once just to spite fred and fp...) 

[anthrophobixx]

Anyways fnaf stuff from october bc I've been too busy playing pokemon instead of cooking smth new

[skyedancer-rae]

TGAA 2 spoilers because of you-know-who.

In which Kazuma discovers that his obnoxiously tall boss is not above manhandling away from a stubborn suspect.

Honestly, I feel like Kazuma would put up more of a fight in this situation, but the mental image of Barok having to use his size advantage to manhandle Kazuma away from starting a fight was too funny not to draw.  Let’s just say Kazuma was honestly not expect Barok to actually physically drag him away and so was caught off-guard.

Image description after the Keep reading:

Image is a 4-panel comic.

Panel 1: Kazuma and Barok stand side-by-side looking ahead off-panel in the direction of a stubborn suspect.  On the right, Barok has his arms crossed with a scowl as he says, "It seems that we will need to return with a warrant before we can get this suspect to talk."  To his left, Kazuma stands seething, shoulders hunched and hands clenched in fists at his side.  He is glaring at the unseen suspect, eyes dark with fury, and four angry scribbles float above his head to indicate his rage.

Panel 2: Kazuma and Barok are pictured as in the previous image.  Kazuma says, "With all due respect, Lord van Zieks, the only way you're getting me away from this suspect is by physically dragging me away."  Barok just glances sideways at Kazuma, eyebrows raised, as he regards him in  silence. 

Panel 3: Kazuma's anger has faded as he looks sideways toward Barok, uncertainty entering his features.  His shoulders have dropped, and he has lifted his left arm a bit, shying away from Barok.  He says, "You...you're not actually thinking of physically dragging me away, are you?"  Barok just regards him silently as in the previous image, eyebrows raised even higher.

Panel 4: Gina enters the scene from the left, holding a search warrant in her left hand.  Her right sits on her hip.  She says, "'Ere, van Zieks, I got your warr-- What's up with Kaz?"  She stares unamused at the scene before her.  To the right of the image, Barok has hoisted Kazuma over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, calmly meeting Gina's gaze.  He says, "Ignore him.  He was being a brat.  My thanks for the warrant, Lestrade.  Your assistance is most appreciated."  Kazuma is covering his face with his cap, blushing furiously.  A disgruntled speech bubble shows that he is grumbling incoherently.

[elizabethschuyler-hamilton]

lol not to get #controversial but why isn’t gina the one applying for this arts school? she’s clearly super passionate about the arts - her dialogue in ep1 makes it clear that she has excelled in theatre before. her moving to denver would mean being able to settle in and live somewhere consistent for the next two and a half years while she finishes high school. that could be a serious opportunity for her to make long-term healthy relationships and practice skills she’s clearly passionate about.

i know they’re never gonna do it bc sofia wylie contributes so much to the show - so from a practical angle i’m curious what shenanigans are going to go down to explain how gina’s mom’s job is going to allow her to stay - but from a practical standpoint this would be the most interesting angle and realistically one of the most rewarding outcomes for gina.

[whatwashernameagain]

Keep him safe - Chapter 25

You can read the previous Chapters here: Ch 1, Ch 5, Ch 10, Ch 15, Ch 20, Previous Chapter, Ao3 Link, Lo’s, Pat’s and Virgil’s aesthetics, Fantasy AU You are Magical, I’m dying to be with you

Pairings: Logan/Patton, Roman/Virgil

Words: 8.095

Warnings: violence marked with ///////////////////////, sexual abuse marked with +++++++, blood, insults, self-hate, bad expectations of relationships, mentioned unhealthy weight loss, body insecurity

Summary: Detective Logan Sanders and his best friend and dorky partner Roman Prince have made a dear friend in the lovely pattisier Patton. Logan however feels a lot more than friendship for the sweet man, even though he knows he cannot possibly have him. Their routine is broken abruptly when Logan finds bruises on Patton’s fair skin and slender wrists he could hardly have received from his costumary clumsiness. Meanwhile his partner Roman has his own demon to fight, which comes in the form of a little delinquent who seemed to have been pulled into a street gang quite against his will. Roman is determined to help the strange young man. It would be so much easier though if he just stopped hissing at him!

Notes: I have nothing to say for myself. My betas @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 and @hanramz-the-fander are the best, I love all of you, please take care of yourself! And check out the art at the end of the chapter!

Chapter 25

A thunderous crash following a whoop of joy penetrated the peacefulness of the isolated office. Both Logan and Captain Holt ignored the sound with the stoic determination of men used to the shenanigans of Jake Peralta and Roman Prince respectively.

The aforementioned detective had survived a near encounter with a stray bullet that had (barely) grazed his ‘beautiful face’ and had therefore immediately enlisted both Roman and Gina to throw him a party fit for the miracle of his survival and his general good looks and heroism. Roman had instantly thrown himself into organizing a play fit for the epic tale and had begun roping in officers too slow to escape his enthusiasm. The young man who had been swooning over him the last few days had been delegated to raiding the lost-and-found box for costumes. Logan estimated that their Captain would permit them another 48 minutes of frivolous displays before returning the precinct to its proper state of professionalism, barring a certain margin of error in case the fire extinguisher should make an appearance once again of course. Roman had been drawing up rather disturbing images of fog and explosions. Understandably, both men had therefore chosen to hide from the undignified behavior behind the safety of the closed office door.

“Would you care for an unsalted, assorted mixture of nuts, Nicodemus?” The Captain’s pleasantly monotonous voice inquired politely. The lack of emotion displayed by the other man was just to Logan’s liking today. A song being pitched and a shirt hitting the glass door with a ‘thud’ behind him were stoically ignored.

The therapy rat in question squeaked in affirmation, curiously standing on its hind-legs to pay attention to their conversation. The choice of respectively one almond, peanut, walnut, hazelnut and  pistachio kernel were laid out before it in an orderly row. Nicodemus grabbed the hazelnut with his little paws, before giving a polite squeak.

“A very sensible choice.” Holt commended. “In my opinion, the pistachio kernel is such a purposelessly showy nut. It is certainly nut the most nutritious nut, despite its… gaudy coloring.”

Trying and failing not to show a small smile at the bad pun and the following association, Logan responded, “Indeed.” Nicodemus hopped around the laid out object of their observations and gave the Captain an unobtrusive tap on the hand like Roman had taught him before selecting a walnut.

“Your therapy rat displays quite pleasing manners.”

“He certainly does. I would expect nothing less from a distinguished pet such as him.” Another crash rattled the office, followed by a wailing complaint. “Unlike other… pets I have been told I have apparently acquired.” Logan grumbled, thinking back of Remy calling Roman his pet. Preposterous.

Meanwhile, Roman had scaled the makeshift stage and was narrating ‘The Incredible Story of the Heroic Survival of the Amazing Jake Peralta’, starring Jake Peralta as Detective Peralta, among other ‘volunteers’.

“Just as our dramatic hero believed the day to be saved, evil rose from the shadows beyond!” Roman cried, narrating the event that had caused his colleague to tragically wear a colorful band aid over his brow from his perch on four pushed together desks. He was a grand storyteller, lovely and captivating, making his audience wait with baited breath for the next part of his masterfully orchestrated play as he held his pose. And held his pose.

Annoyed, he cleared his throat, his voice becoming slightly high pitched. “Evil rose from the shadows beyond!”

A bag of chips rustled among the waiting detectives. Roman keened in annoyance, feeling his theatrical genius slighted. This would not do, he was aiming for a tale worthy of Broadway producers here! Renewing his pose with passion, he screeched, “EVIL ROSE!”

With a sigh, Logan rose from his chair in the safety of adult company. “Would you please excuse me, I believe I am missing my cue.” Putting on a preposterous bowler hat stolen from evidence with very little enthusiasm, he slunk into the bullpen.

“Prepare to die, fiend!” He growled while stiffly waving around a spotted umbrella for ‘dramaturgical reasons’, incredulously wondering why on earth he was doing this. Roman’s face lit up with happiness.

***

‘My evil plans, foiled again!’ - Tesla, who wrote lines like those?! Logan’s face still burned at the memory of the acting he’d allowed his partner to talk him into, and in front of his colleagues no less. The things he’d uttered, just to make the childish detective happy. He had clearly softened and he blamed his partner. There would be no dessert tonight! As he’d escaped the precinct, Roman had just prepared to orchestrate a grand sequel. Clearly, the time for a strategic retreat had come. Patton’s company ought to be the safer one.

Yet, despite having come to a mutual agreement to accept the young man’s situation and remain friends, Logan felt ill prepared to enter the Pat-isserie. They might have spoken and hugged at the hospital, however he still feared the influence of the baker’s relationship on their daily interactions. Would he even be able to ignore what he knew was going on in his private life, pretend everything was alright and engage in shallow conversation like he had before? His emotions felt too powerful to treat the situation casually. Despite his cool exterior, Logan was an intense man. He did not know how to love someone halfway. He liked to pretend Roman was the one who followed him around, the one who depended on him, but had his partner not resisted his demanding attempts at taking him in, he would have had Roman under his wing in his flat within the first few months of their tentative friendship. He still only grudgingly accepted the fact that the other returned to his own apartment occasionally. Additionally, the fact that he had - there was no other way to describe it – adopted the little troublemaker Virgil the moment the younger man had shown weakness and caved to his aggressive attempts at caring for him made the truth Logan had tried hard to hide painfully apparent. He needed people to care for. By some stroke of luck Roman and Virgil, even Patton, still believed he was the composed one looking after all of them, the one in control they needed to rely on, but in reality he needed them so badly he felt lost and empty without them. Not being allowed to channel all of that protective anger and loving feelings left Logan a precariously balanced mess, threatening to tip and spill all of those unused, unwanted feelings all over their fragile relationship, suffocating it. Patton didn’t want the things he had to give. If he couldn’t manage to hold himself together, keep his intense longing and protective feelings as well as his anger and helplessness at bay, he’d be turned away. He’d understand it, too. His nerves in his throat, the tall detective evaded a swarm of laughing children holding sticky cupcakes in both hands and stepped into the cafe.

Warmth seeped into Patton so suddenly, it left him feeling lightheaded. Or perhaps it was the fact that he hadn’t eaten all day. He really wanted to look his best from now on, Trevor was not fond of the weight he tended to gain around his hips, and had also been too nervous to get much past the dizzying mix of hope and insecurity in his stomach. So much had happened. Despite the changes he and Trevor had agreed upon following the shocking conclusions he’d come to, seeing Logan was as pleasant as it usually was. He’d slipped through the door and had held it open for a bunch of escaping little ones, allowing them to pass by under his arm, drawing attention to how tall he was. He looked as handsome as ever in his tailored, dark blue suit and silken tie, pale skin contrasting attractively with his raven hair. He’d even brought Nicodemus, which Patton always loved. There was a sort of pride and confidence about the detective whenever he was accompanied by his littlest friend, which Patton found too adorable. The realization of how much he wanted their friendship to work hit him hard. Logan had never been supposed to know. He hadn’t wanted him to be a threat, or for him to see Patton this way. He hadn’t wanted to seem weak.

With both men held back by their own insecurities, finding common ground was hard. Upon facing each other, neither appeared to know how to begin their conversation. Noticing the dark shadows under the detective’s eyes, Patton found he knew what he wanted, though. He and Trevor finally had a real chance at a happy ending after all those years of making each other miserable, why shouldn’t it be possible for him and Logan to find a way to make things work? He’d just need a place to start, and he knew exactly the right one. Feeling a keen sense of Déjà-vu, he silently stepped up to the taller man, being squeaked at by a cheerful, gray rat. Like the first time they’d met, Logan was hard to read at first, closed off and a little intimidating. Yet, like all those months ago, Patton could see beyond the facade. Offering a soft smile, he allowed the other a moment to prepare before raising on his tiptoes and carefully wrapping his arms around his friend. Their embrace was less sure than it had become in the course of their relationship, influenced by the insecurity of their opposing interests as a cop opposed to a victim unwilling to let him protect him. As a result, the detective’s body felt stiff under his hands at first, his jaw tense, his gaze closed off. Patton was patient though. He knew for once there was nothing to say. He curled close, bringing their bodies into close contact, leaning his cheek against his shoulder and letting his affection speak for itself. Wanting to help the other relax, he made himself soft and warm, melting against the long lines of his body like a cat. Like a strange reversal of their first proper hug, finally, Logan softened under him, his breath leaving him with his fear, his arms finally coming up to embrace him properly instead of awkwardly resting on his sides. He needed to be held more than he’d known. Patton’s own nerves quieted, leaving a soothing calmness behind. The rise and fall of the other man’s chest against his gave him something to focus on that made everything else cease existing. As always, the patissier and detective found common ground in each others arms.

Having greeted Virgil and left his beloved Nicodemus with a purring and rolling kitten upstairs to nap, the detective got comfortable on his usual spot, reviewing case notes in his notebook and surreptitiously watching his friends for any signs of distress. Considering the things he now knew, a lump up bitter fear rose in his throat whenever he had the chance to think about the things Patton had to face alone. He worried, all day, every day. Try as he might, the spiraling thoughts stuck with him from the moment he woke with a nauseous feeling in his stomach to the moment he fell asleep. It haunted his dreams and made him wake up in a pool of sweat. He could not help remembering the things he’d seen in his line of work, the reports and statements of women and men abused by their partners, scarred physically and emotionally. They overlapped with reality whenever he looked up to see Patton twirl around, smile at a child or coo at Virgil. He was so soft, so tender and beautiful and easy to hurt. He swallowed and returned his gaze to the paper, trying and always failing to forget.

A weight settled next to him, clad in lavender wool and trailing wisps of flour.

“Logan?” Patton asked softly, pulling at the sleeve of his soft sweater.  

“Yes, Patton?”

“I can hear you thinking all the way over there, would you like...”

Flushing hotly, the detective cast his gaze down, mortified at being so obvious. “I apologize.” He hastily cut in, making the other fall silent. “And also for interrupting you. I did not mean to be disrespectful.”

The smaller man smiled, the expression once again softening his face, making him very pretty indeed. “Oh, it’s okay. I just don’t want you to worry! I know your smart head is coming up with so many ideas, so it’s best we just talk about it, don’t you think?” He asked reasonably, settling down comfortably next to his fretting friend. The way he curled up made him small enough to easily fit against the other man’s side, had he wanted to.

“I just want you to know that I had a really great chat with Emile, he is such a delight and so clever and helpful! And I realized how much had been going wrong with the two of us – I guess you knew a lot about that, being a detective and really smart and all – so we talked, Trevor and I, and he agreed to go to couple’s therapy with me, anything I wanted, really, he is truly trying, Logan. It’s wonderful how far he’s come and how much better we understand our mutual fears and problems now. I feel like I know him so much better than I did before, we are much closer now. He wants this to work as much as I do and I really believe it will, so – please don’t look so concerned, I don’t want you to be afraid for me. It’ll be okay, I promise! This time, all will be well.” He implored, his hazel eyes wide and trustful, filled with hope. It made something sharp twist in Logan’s chest, deep down were he harbored so much warmth. He attempted a smile, wanting to preserve Patton’s hope. He couldn’t bear to see him hurt.

“I’m pleasantly surprised by your partner’s willingness to accommodate your wishes.” He uttered diplomatically. Patton, perceptive as he was, was onto him though.

“Then… why do you look so tense? Is everything okay?” He asked anxiously, fear making his stomach feel queasy. Swallowing down all the things he wished to say but had no right to felt like making a rock settle in his stomach.

“Yes, certainly.”

A moment ticked by where the baker observed his friend, his brow furrowed. He seemed to come to a decision. Taking Logan’s calloused hand in his and making the poor man blush dreadfully with nerves and longing, he took his time to find the right words. Knowing the shyness of the detective, he kept his eyes cast down so not to make him feel exposed.

“I know I had to push you away a few times to, um, to get to the point where I wouldn’t have to be afraid for… you respect my wishes, though. I believe that, and I need that from you, but that doesn’t  mean we shouldn’t be honest with each other. There has to be something good about everything being in the light now. I think we need to talk openly, so no fear and resentment is between us, and I trust you, Logan.” Finally looking up, he added quietly. “I want to hear what you think.”

The older man took a deep, fortifying breath, disarmed by the honest wish. Still, fear of overstepping and of hurting those hopeful feelings made him hesitant. He felt like a villain, uselessly destroying this belief that things could be better.

“I… don’t think it will work as you expect it to.”

Patton’s eyes widened, growing hurt and wet. As he almost unconsciously pulled his hand back into his lap, his posture changed immediately, making him seem smaller. Feeling his breath catch in his throat, Logan attempted to explain his position, to make it better somehow.

“Patton, I apologize for causing you distress. Since I am hardly an expert on relationships, you have no need to heed my authority. You must consider the things I have been confronted with in the course of my work. I may have grown cynical. I may be wrong.” It cut him to say those words he could not believe, but pushing his opinion on the other would only push him away. Steeling himself, he added his most vulnerable thought despite his fear of how much it might reveal about his feelings.

“And although I deeply admire your ability to trust in the best in any individual, I also do not believe somebody who hurt you deserves the privilege to be with you. You should be with someone who cherishes the right to be by your side. Someone who sees you as worthy of love and protection.”

Breathing out a sad sigh, Patton softened. “It’s hardly a privilege!” He chirped, trying hard to make light of the situation with humor. Logan didn’t take the bait though. His face remained serious and earnest.

“I believe it is.”

His seriousness made the patissier pause. He had no idea how to respond to the depth of emotion he felt behind the words. A twisting, aching sensation of longing came over him unbidden. This was not fair! They were doing better than they had in years, he could not ruin their chance with his stupid heart! He loved Trevor, he had no right to yearn to know what it might be like to be taken home and belong to a man who believed having him was a privilege. Why did it feel so possible right now when the chance was farther away than ever? For a wild moment, he imagined just reaching out and touching Logan’s face, touching him, and just giving himself over to what felt so real all of a sudden.

He was being ridiculous.

Logan was – he was unreachable, and not only because Patton had nothing to offer to him and was probably stupidly imagining impossible things. He’d made his choice long ago and had even recently renewed his promise. He’d be Trevor’s anchor, his protector and caregiver – his everything. The weigh was heavy, but he’d bear it.

Trying to take away his caring friend’s suffering, and to convey some of the hope he’d found, he promised, “This time it will work. Trust me.”

If only Logan could know how much progress he’d made in understanding their dynamic. How hard Trevor tried. So much had changed and for the first time in years, Patton dared to genuinely trust that things would be okay.

“I hope you are correct. I may not believe he deserves to be with you, but I could never want you to be hurt again.”

The detective never lowered his head or hunched his shoulders, but the tension and pain around his eyes and jaw was clear to see.

Logan’s selfless honesty almost broke Patton’s heart. He could see how much the man was torturing himself and he wanted nothing more than to ease his suffering. The detective clearly hated his relationship and hurt whenever Patton returned to Trevor. He’d seen it in the crushed looks, felt it in the worried and protective way he’d cradled him close. Yet he still let him go without a fuss, relinquishing his hold on him with obvious difficulty. He even wished him well. And Patton should be happy. He’d been so afraid of Logan, of his fury, his power, his ability to hurt and break and force Patton to comply with his wishes through the authority of his position. His terror had almost driven them apart for good. Now that the detective accepted his needs and supported his choices despite his pain and anger, he should feel nothing but relief. And yet, he was proving everything Trevor had said about him right. He was foolish and his heart was quick and stupid. Logan was giving him what he’d fought for. His freedom to make his own choices, the right to choose who to be with - and some part of Patton wished he hadn’t. Now that the older man had set him free, all unlikely chances, all unrealistic dreams of being with him had vanished. Before the patissier had made his choice clear to the detective, there had at least been some lingering hope that perhaps, Logan was pursuing him after all. His hugs had been an offer of safety. At times, his touches had felt like a slow seduction, caressing him with utter gentleness, holding him firmly enough to make him feel kept and protected. The way his deep voice had spoken his name had been filled with tenderness. He’d felt so valued.

His heart was heavy as he realized there was no going back. Logan was still here, still looking at him with this impossible softness, but he had stopped fighting him on his decision. A decision he could not back down from, Patton knew that. But at the same time, he deeply regretted the loss of the possible future Logan’s fierce demands and threats to Trevor had symbolized. While his wave of fury and his loss of control had terrified him, Patton knew they had been an offer of a way out, an offer at something new. Even a way to show his appreciation perhaps? Men fought for what they loved, didn’t they? Possibly, his aggression might have been a sign of a deeper interest? This sort of aggressiveness had always accompanied any relationship he’d known after all. Trevor was so unbalanced because he loved him so much and feared to lose him, wasn’t he? And Logan had been ready to tear down walls and break bones to grasp Patton and take him home, away from his boyfriend and the constant doubt and guilt.

And he knew, it would have broken them apart.

Patton could not live in another relationship where he feared control and violence, where his choices were taken from him and where people even got hurt for him. Trevor was different. He was his responsibility and he knew what to expect from him. He hadn’t been able to help it and he was making an effort now. Logan on the other hand was more than that. Had he refused Patton’s demands, he might have been able to tear him and Trevor apart and even take him with him – there would be no one else left to turn to after all, no place to go but where the older man led him, but their relationship would have been doomed from the start. He’d be restricted and intimidated and would live with the knowledge that his decisions would not be respected. Logan was better than that and Patton deeply, desperately needed him to stay that way. He knew, in his bones, that he needed Logan to remain as good and kind and strong as he was. Someone to trust and look up to. Someone who trusted Patton and respected him. His existence gave him strength. His heart broke at the realization finally truly sunk in. This meant he would never be with the man. He could not leave Trevor on his own volition – not now when they were fixing things – and Logan could not force him or tempt him away since Patton could never feel safe or respected with him if he did.

He swallowed hard, casting his gaze down. His eyes burned.

He was such a mess. Stupid, stupid Patton. He should be happy right now, not cry over impossible things. He’d gotten everything he’d wanted – Trevor, his friends, a hopeful future – and here he was, moping over something he was not going to get anyway. Logan was out of his reach and probably not interested in someone as untidy and disorganized and overly emotional as himself. He’d find a beautiful and successful doctor or lawyer and marry them and be free of all those issues. And Patton would be with Trevor and all would be well. Yes.

Nodding to convince himself, he bravely tried to bring his sunny smile back, brushing his curling hair back to give himself time to compose himself. He was ruining their perfectly wonderful afternoon with his moping!

“Thanks for worrying. I appreciate you being there.” As Patton whispered those words, his throat grew tight. He felt his affection so strongly all of a sudden, as if he’d never see the other man again. For a moment, he felt so terribly trapped and lonely, as if he was locking himself away from everything that mattered to him. There was a distance between them he became desperate to bridge lest he’d lose his chance. He just needed to be held, just for a moment. Unable to give fair warning this time, he threw himself into Logan’s arms, burrowing his face in his chest and simply holding on. The detective tensed in surprise, before bringing his arms up automatically. He was obviously confused and overwhelmed with the sudden intensity of the situation, judged by his stuttering breath, but he never disappointed Patton, pulling him close instead of speaking – perhaps because he was floundering about what to say – and pressing him against his chest just right. The slight patissier drew a shuddering breath, not understanding why he felt so desperately needy. He couldn’t be close enough. Appearing to feel his need on some level, Logan leaned back and allowed his friend to sprawl over his chest, half in his lap, until he couldn’t see anything but the darkness those arms enveloped him in, feel his warmth and breath and smell his cologne and soap. As he was held tightly and safely, slowly, the panicked feeling started so recede. The heavy weight of loss and sadness in his chest would not quite go away, but even so, Logan’s hold made it easier to gain strength, to remember the good things. He was not losing his friend, he was right here. How silly he was! And most importantly, he loved Trevor. He really, truly did. Held safely, it was not impossible to remember how his boyfriend looked when Patton had made him truly happy. The image of his smiling face, the eyes crinkling at the corners, the little laugh, it made his heart swell. His joy brought Patton so much pleasure, he wanted to see more of it. He wanted him to be happy and he wanted to be with him in good times again. He looked forward to it. With new strength, he pulled back, smiling unconsciously at the memory of Trevor’s face lit up with honest laughter.

“Thank you.” He mumbled, grateful to the befuddled detective for offering his care without asking questions about his strange moods. Spurred by his hopefully swelling heart, filled with so much love and expectations for a bright future, he leaned up and kissed his detective’s cheek sweetly.

Drawing back, a flash of reddish blond caught his gaze in the window.

///////////////////////

The image of the two of them burned him whenever he closed his eyes, he’d never felt pain like this before, like it cut into him like a physical thing, making him flinch and curl around his wounded chest. For some reason, his thoughts were stuck on a random detail, so small in comparison to the devastating picture that had hit him like a slap in the face - the height difference between them seemed to circle around in his brain, stuck like a splinter he kept picking at until the skin bled, tiny and insignificant, but impossible to ignore, setting his nerves on fire and infecting him with red hot agony. He was tall.

Taller than him.

He’d looked so tiny in his arms.

His hands looked so big on him.

Proprietary.

Patton slipped through the door into their apartment Trevor had fled into just as it was about to fall shut, out of breath, his face ashen with horror. He stumbled over the tidy row of shoes in his haste, tumbling against the wall clumsily. He’d followed Trevor home as fast as his legs would carry him, terror making his heart thunder and his breath come in short pants. Raising his hands in a placating gesture, he tried to speak – tried to lie.

Trevor wouldn’t hear it again. He cut him off, expecting to sound loud, angry – yet his own voice sounded nothing like he intended, it was a shock to him, small, shaking, begging.

“What was that?! Why did you tell me- I thought – you said you’d be with me – you promised you wouldn’t – and with him -” He gasped, quivering. He could see nothing but Patton in the tall man’s arms. He’d been as good looking as he’d feared, composed and elegant and so much – too much to hope to compete with – he’d always known Patton would find someone better, someone who didn’t lose control again and again and again no matter how hard he tried, and he’d tried, every time he’d hated himself. And the other - he was just like he’d imagined him, countless times, taking Patton away, his large hands on his boyfriend’s hips. A wave of despair overwhelmed him. How could he go on now? He couldn’t lose the only thing that mattered – the worst thing wasn’t the touch – the loss, though.

“Why did you make me think we could fix –“ He gasped, bis sight blurry. “You- you made me th-think I could be good enough, I t-tried so hard, I – I tried – I always try-” He screeched suddenly. He knew what he had been doing, he hadn’t wanted to hurt him, but his temper, his anger, he just felt so weak and overwhelmed, sometimes he just couldn’t- but Patton had made him believe, he’d been so ready to try everything – but even as he’d made him hope, Patton had already moved on. He hadn’t even let him show him. He’d chosen something better.

He’d been in his arms. He’d kissed him. He’d reassured Trevor, looked him in the eye and said he loved him and then he’d gone straight to him. Why had he made him hope? Why would he torture him like that – play him like that?! It was so cruel. Did he think – was this a joke to him?!

The thought hooked into his mind like a claw, piercing deep, drawing hot, gushing blood. The powerful, seething, crimson tide rose in Trevor’s chest, higher and mightier with every thought of his failure, his loss, the betrayal. Furious anger swallowed him up like a wave of boiling, lashing water. The detective, he’d been after his boyfriend from the start – Trevor had known it. He’d avoided the cafe unconsciously, had known it would take Patton from him, had known he’d meet someone, even though he’d promised – he was overwhelmed, helpless, furious, he’d made his promise to make everything well just the night before. He’d thought it meant the world. A renewal, a way to finally be healthy and happy. He was a weary, so brittle, he’d wanted to believe it so badly. Patton had looked so earnest. They’d kissed, touched – he’d believed things would be well, trusted him with his life, didn’t he know how much Trevor had given to him, how much he needed-

But Patton hadn’t cared.

The wave rose. He was untethered. He was pulled under.  

Carefully, Patton approached him and he lunged, backhanded the whore right across the face. A cry echoed across the vast, empty room. The crash of a body hitting the floor fueled something primal in him. The door slammed shut and he was onto his prey, his tormentor – the man who’d promised him everything and had ripped it all apart. The man he couldn’t live without. The man that had hurt him so much, so much. He was losing his hold, he felt hot humiliation burn in his veins, sizzling desperation. He’d been made a fool, Patton had never wanted to fix them, he’d laughed at him with the detective – he’d never been good enough. Everything was falling apart, the pieces were slipping from his fingers, he was so helpless, being bashed and pulled by his own conflicting emotions, he couldn’t survive without him, his everything, his Patton - who felt like he was better, who’d gone behind his back after giving him hope, he had betrayed him-

He grabbed Patton by the shoulder – so thin under his brutal hand, yanked him up - his whimper made blood and adrenalin flood his head, high pitched, grating. He couldn’t bear to hear it, so loud, too much, he hated – he needed to silence him.

Unseeing fury drove his fist into his victim’s stomach, making him cough and retch. Patton fell to the floor hard, his knees buckling uselessly under him. It wasn’t enough. His fist was driven down on him again, beating, ripping, destroying.

*

He couldn’t breathe, black spots appeared before his vision. A fist to the side of his head smashed him down hard, making blackness consume him for a shocking moment. Blood spilled from his split lip. The pain in his skull almost split him in half – he was disoriented – he needed to tell him – but his tongue wouldn’t work – everything was spinning, fear choking him with his thunderous heartbeats, he tried to bring his arms up to shield himself but he couldn’t see, everything was blurring, where was Trevor?

A crash, shattering glass – so loud in his ringing ears it seemed to shake the apartment made him flinch. Something cut his raised arm like a whip, spilling sticky liquid over his skin, his throat closed up around the explanation, the apologies – he needed to – his mouth filled with blood, his stomach turned sharply-

Another slap cut his lip, a sharp pain traveled up his ankle, he choked up blood from where he’d cut the inside of his cheek on his teeth, how could he have let it come to this?! Trevor’s face was twisted with nothing but agony, red and raw like a gruesome mask, so very easy to recognize for Patton, who was so familiar with the pain, the guilt, the fear clawing up his spine, consuming him in a primal flash of terror.

*

His fists were shaking, his breath coming in uneven gasps. For a sudden moment, he was able to see through the haze of rage.

Patton’s small form lay crumbled on the floor, holding quivering hands up uselessly to protect himself. Blood dripped down his arm, his lip.

His voice shook. It was barely above a whisper. Pleading.

“Please, you promised.”

His narrow, bruised chest was heaving with the effort to breathe, his hazel eyes wide and terrified, bitter tears mixing with the blood running from his split lip. He sounded broken.

Worse. He did not sound surprised.

It was a punch in the gut. He had never believed Trevor could do it- his failure had always been expected. He was everything that gave Trevor strength, everything he had to hold onto, and he’d never trusted him in the first place. All he’d done was make him think there was a chance, make him hope, and then crush him with the knowledge of his pathetic deficiency.

The blood on Patton’s face made his heart thunder, making him pulse with anger hate failure, bright crimson, accusing him, he’d failed again, it made guilt and humiliation twist and intertwine with the rage, the feeling of defeat, of falling into a hole after waking up from his madness, seeing the effect of his loss of control, his babe, broken and ugly, smeared with blood, dragging himself up, looking at him with fear, forgiving him again, he always had to forgive him he couldn’t do it right, the water in the bathroom turning red as he washed the traces of Trevor’s failure off his body with shaking, cut hands. Trevor hated the detective for being so good, so smart and successful and unreachable, for being superior, too much to hope to compete with, he felt small and useless, insignificant and helpless and angry at him for making Patton turn from him, making him feel this way, for making him do this again – for failing again – he’d thought he’d controlled it now, he’d been strong, he’d protected his babe from himself and now he’d made him lose his hold, it was all in vane, he was nothing, and Patton had drawn this onto himself, why had he made him fail, why hadn’t he seen how hard he’d tried, he’d turned it around, he’d done better, HE’D FIXED IT and he still went back to this other who was better the whore he didn’t want him he hated Patton he hated HIMSELF.

He’d deserved this.

Half crazed, Trevor grabbed a brutal fist full of the patissier’s hair, yanking him up on his knees before him. He needed to regain control, assert his strength somehow, his anger drove him to grow hotter, wilder-

He’d asked for this.

+++++++

His trembling fingers fumbled with his belt, his fly, the smaller man cried out, his heart racing, frantically trying to pull away, ripping out bloody strands of hair.

No, please not again! Patton vividly remembered the only time Trevor had lost control to his anger so badly, still tasted bitterness on his tongue whenever he recalled the terrible night. It had been their worst one yet, he’d been so mad, forcing Patton onto his knees, spitting insults and self-loathing, prying his jaw open with ruthless hands. Patton had been paralyzed by horror, disbelieving of what was to come. He’d never thought Trevor would do something so terrible to him, he’d never – but he’d forced his cock into his mouth with one thrust, shoving Patton forward by the hand in his hair, making him take him all the way, way too far. Shock had frozen him for long, agonizing seconds, before his body had rebelled with revulsion and terror. He had scrambled against the unforgiving hold, unable to breathe, panic flooding him. Trevor had been mad with rage, brutally thrusting into him, calling him a slut, a whore, a monster, forcing his way into the smaller man’s throat, making his choke, making him retch. Bile had filled his mouth, lack of air making him thrash and cough, fighting to breathe, fighting for his very life. Trevor had only pulled back long enough to make him cough, gasp, before he’d yanked him back, twisting his hands in the weaker man’s hair, making him take it till he was finished. Once he’d come down his throat, he’d dropped Patton as if he were something rotten, disgusting and vile. As if Patton were dirty. He’d never forgotten the look. It still haunted him at odd moments, made him flush with shame and humiliation. He’d never stopped feeling it. As he’d lain on the cold tiles, bitter vomit and semen running down his chin and mixing with the blood in his mouth, right before he passed out in the dirt smeared over his face and chest, he’d felt like he deserved to be looked at this way.

Terrified, hot tears ran down his cheeks as Trevor yanked his face up by the fist twisted in his locks. He tried to plead, to beg. He couldn’t survive this again, he couldn’t.

“No, please, please I can’t, you promised, you said you’d never make me-”

“SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH YOU LYING WHORE!”

Trevor screamed, shaking Patton so hard by the hair it made his teeth clash together painfully. The taller man heaved, tears falling onto the bloody face beneath him. His own was twisted into a reddened, horrid mask of fury and anguish. His mouth had turned into an ugly grimace, caught between a snarl and a sob. He managed to undo his fly, fumbled with his underwear-

++++++++

A crash echoed through the apartment like a gunshot, shockingly loud. It left both men deafened for a long, horrifying moment.

Blearily, Trevor looked up from the body at his feet. The realization came a few heartbeats too late. A fist crashed into his face with the force of a freight train, making him drop like a leaden weight.

It had been a gunshot.

The projectile had shattered the lock of their front-door, making it afford no protection against the kick that almost ripped it off its hinges. Only his extensive training had made the detective punch the attacker instead of shooting him on sight. Had he had time to process the picture he’d seen, he might have murdered the man in cold blood, leaving nothing but a shredded corpse. The moment he found Patton crumbling to the floor however, nothing else mattered to the detective. Flooded with a cold horror he had never experienced before, he sunk to the ground in front of him.

/////////////////

Patton.

Oh Patton.

His hands shook at the sight before him, his breath coming in a sob. Oh no.

He reached out, impossibly horrified-

Patton flinched, crying out and shielding himself. His ears were ringing, the shot had been so loud. It did not matter that no one was touching him, he was trapped, his heart raced so hard, it felt like it would give out, he choked on phantom touches, lightheaded and frozen. Knowing he could not fight, he could not get away, he curled up, hiding his face in his bleeding arms, waiting for whatever he’d be put through in blind terror.

He was so cold.

He did not know how long he lay there, quivering and crying, waiting for the violence he’d been so sure he’d never have to endure again, until finally, a sound cut through the blood rushing in his ears. A sob. Someone else was crying.

Looking up went against all of his hard learned instincts of making himself small and invisible.

He needed seconds to understand what he was seeing.

Logan was kneeling before him, tears streaming down his face. His clean, lovely hands were twisted tightly around each other, shaking as badly as Patton was. His eyes… there were no words to describe how shattered he looked. The patissier whimpered, strenuously drawing himself up.

“L-Logan?”

The detective tried to speak, his voice breaking. He had to start again, visibly fighting the urge to touch Patton, to envelop him in his arms and pick him up from the hard, white tiles smeared with blood.  

Logan felt utterly helpless. Patton’s eyes were so wide, so hurt. Another sob threatened to break free from the confines of the detective’s chest. He felt half numb, half tortured. For a long moment, he could barely make sense of how terribly Patton had been treated. The sheer cruelty felt impossible.

He realized he did not know what to say.

Patton appeared disoriented, shock settling in and making his thin limbs quiver like leaves in the wind. He was so tense and tiny, his breaths coming in uneven gasps – but quiet, like he was trying hard not to be noticed. His strength seemed to leave him suddenly, threatening to make his arms give out and make him fall. Logan reached out on instinct to steady him. A frightened gasp and flinch made him freeze. He was too large, too close. The detective fumbled to find words he knew would fall short.

“Patton, I-I would never harm you. You are safe now.” The detective’s deep, unsteady voice pleaded with him to trust him. His hands were raised in a placating gesture, open and non-threatening, tears dripping down his chin. Patton could not look away for a long, fearful moment. Trevor’s hands had been balled into fists, veins and tendons staining against the bones, the skin broken at the knuckles. Terror flooded him once again, gripping him like a mouse pierced by an eagle’s claws. The patissier scooted back, his breath hitching. His right hand braced itself on broken glass, driving the shards into his palm. Logan’s eyes burned, horror and anguish flooding his voice.

“Wait, please – you don’t need to fear me! I am so sorry, I did not meant to frighten you, I only – I only want to help you.” He almost whimpered, feeling utterly helpless. “I would never touch you without your consent, I- I will stay right here, alright?”

Patton nodded, unconsciously drawing his wounded hand into his lap. It was full of glass shards cutting his soft skin. It hurt Logan to see it like nothing he’d ever felt before. Think, you useless fool, he berated himself. He wished Virgil and Roman were here.

“You are cold, may I get you a blanket?” He asked carefully, fearful of doing anything Patton couldn’t place. The detective did not like how long it took the baker to answer with another nod. He wondered if he even heard him. The urge to hold him became almost unbearable. Thankfully, he found a blanket draped over the back of the leather couch, stiff with how little it had been moved. He sank back on his knees before the injured creature.

“Patton, may I put this around your shoulders? Please?” Upon receiving another nod, he approached the other slowly, uselessly wishing he were less frightening, he were better at this, that he could just  fix everything. Patton clenched his teeth as Logan leaned close to wrap the blanket around him like it was something he was forced to endure, as if a wild animal were about to tear into him if he moved too much. He was trapped by a man’s closeness and his memories.

“There you go, Patton. It will be alright. May I help warm you? I swear I will leave the moment you tell me to.” Logan attempted to assure him, having no idea whether his physical reassurance would help or make things worse. At this point, Patton’s nod felt less like agreement than learned behavior in traumatic situations. Logan didn’t know if he could trust it, didn’t know what to do, so he carefully, as slowly and gently as he was able, pulled the patissier against his side, hugging him loosely.

“I am so sorry.” He cried, his tears falling on bloody curls.

“It’s fine.” Patton mumbled hoarsely, breaking Logan’s heart. Yet the warmth and familiar hold seemed to thaw something in the younger victim. He started breathing more deeply, slowly leaning against the detective. He was coming back to him. And with it, the realization that this was all his fault. All of his blood, his cut skin and bruised body, Trevor had inflicted the pain he’d himself felt, because Patton had made him hope where there was none. Instead of cutting his losses, he had tried to make everything right that was broken so far past repair. He’d believed all of the promises as if he didn’t know better. He was so foolish, so stupid. Too stupid to fix them. Somehow, the worst thing was that just minutes ago, he’d told Logan to trust him. That things would be alright. He’d believed it. He was so ashamed.

Feeling tiny and ugly and so stupid, he sobbed, burying his face in Logan’s arms. He was here. He held on to him, rocking him gently and shielding him from the world. Patton found himself in his lap as he realized the cold had stopped seeping into him from the tiled floor. His hand was cradling his neck, his arm supporting his back, holding him entirely. Patton’s strength left him.

At least, as he sunk into the hold unresistingly, his frazzled nerves tortuously slowly realizing he was safe, the truth about Trevor started to sink in. He would never change.

It was over.

The thought triggered a pressing memory in his sluggish mind. Trevor? Icy fear came with it. He’d come to feel so safe in Logan’s arms, like his protection and Trevor’s threats could not exist in the same world, but they did. They were in the same room. He flinched, whimpering silently. Where-

Through tears and blood clouding his vision, he spotted a prone form crumbled on the ground behind the man holding him. He shrank back, shocked.

“Oh n-no Trevor- d-did you – is he...”

“No! Of course not, he will recover, I merely incapacitated him. I promise.” Logan assured him hastily, seeing terror of the effect of his violent intervention seep into the broken young man before him. “I am so sorry you had to see this, Patton.”

It seemed to be the last straw for the patissier. He was simply overwhelmed.

“Logan.” His voice broke on an unworded plea. Yet, the detective understood without having to be told.

“Please, let me take you home.” He whispered.

After a long moment, Patton nodded. As carefully as if he were cradling a newborn kitten, Logan bundled the injured young man into the blanket and lifted him into his arms. Glass crunched under his shoes as he carried him outside, hiding his tear stained face from the shocked neighbors finally daring to enter the hallway. Patton heard none of it. He pressed his face to Logan’s chest and closed his eyes.

ART:

@dweeborg created this gorgeous combination of Roman with stunning makeup and Virgil with his lovely hair, as well as a (shirtless, yum) picture of Virgil feeling good after his spa day.

How cute is Logan with Nicodemus on his shoulder?! Painted by @lienlovesshadowhunters

@doctorwhooian drew Roman being absolutely STUNNING in a crop-top and knee-high boots.

A personal favorite: @typical-torii gifted us with a drawing of RoRo having his locks combed to the side, looking bad-ass after a fight. He’s so fricking pretty like that!

A picture I absolutely LOVE – Roman glittering and lovely with a super cute man-bun giving Virgil inappropriate feelings, their expressions are just so utterly adorable and the raccoon in judging. Thanks a thousand times to @anxiously-chill

Next Chapter

[bellarkewrites]

Looking for a fic!!

by lovingreader

Hello all! I’m looking for a fic! I don’t remember all that much but i know it was a modern day AU. Bellamy starts dating someone (I can’t remember if it was Echo or Gina) but his relationship gets in the way of his friendship with Clarke and he starts flaking on all these things with her. I distinctly remember that she had an art exhibit and he missed it because he got in a fight with his girlfriend and then went out drinking and lost track of time. I also kind of reminder some 4tb of the July or NYE shenanigans where Monty and Jasper ask Clarke if they can throw a party at her house and Bellamy shows up although he and Clarke weren’t on the best terms. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

Words: 261, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: The 100 (TV)

Rating: Not Rated

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/M

Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin

Read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/2YaVNzS