#god forbid anyone asks you the reason for your typing tho bc it like....

[isekyaaa]

The hard thing about typology is that eventually you reach a point where, despite knowing theory very well, you type purely off of habits/quirks/etc because they're easy to catch (when you know what you're looking for) and almost always right.

[beomglocks]

what soobin is like as a boyfriend

warnings & other: none i just love him but let’s be honest who doesn’t, this gets cheesy in some parts bc he just gives off stereotypical kdrama bf vibes but guys he’s the one

w/c: round to 1k

ok first off 

sorry if i rant soobin is my baby so ofc i think he’s the perfect boyfriend

he’s so

ugh

ok when you meet him he’s a shy boy

like really won’t wanna look you in the eye

ok like super fucking awkward

like painfully and you’re like “hahah ok that’s cute”

that only applies if you look intimidating tho

if you’re one of those people who’s blessed with not having resting bitch face he’ll be flirty

well you know..

he has his own methods of being flirty

he’s charming in his own way

probably does what yeonjun does but more subtle

stares

will stare at you

and when you make eye contact he smiles and rubs his lip with his finger DJSJSKDK PLZ

alternatively: looks away, purses his lips with a smile, ears get red, looks back up to you already looking at him then he waves

youre left like

“omg he’s so fucking cute”

ok but actually like he will reel you in without you even knowing

next thing you know you’re laughing at his lame ass jokes

god forbid you think he’s funny

“you think I’m funny? well we should date” :)

wait im pretty sure he said he doesnt go after someone unless he knows they like him back

tbh he’d probably wait until you make the first move

or wait until you show interest or else he’ll just hide his feelings

you have to bring him out of his shell

once you do...oh boy

100% never leaving you alone

always telling you how much he loves you

he’s the sweetest

teeth rotting sweet

i feel like he would slowly open up to you during the relationship

he’s not like automatically into it if that makes sense

shy to initiate things at first

such as kissing and touching

asks you if it’s ok first

we love consent

free samples kind of guy

dont take him to an ice cream shop or shops in general

he will devour the free samples

next thing you know you’re leaving with goat cheese and the newest ice cream flavour

he gives hopeless romantic vibes

would want to bake with you in the kitchen

and i know this sounds cliche but

flour fight

he’s cute with it at first

just rubs some flour on your nose then next thing you know

“we turned our dog white”

he’s a simple man

however

he probably spoils you

but not like expensive item type of spoiling he isn’t extravagant

god forbid the price range of any of the items he buys you exceeds his actual paycheck

cute gifts that you’ll actually use and cherish

i dont see many fights happening with him tbh

maybe if you question his leadership choices then i can see a fight happening

for example if you think he couldve handled a situation better in a certain way and you point that out to him he’ll get all defensive

“im the leader of my group dont tell me what you think is best for my group”

then you’re just like “well shit fuck you too i was just tryna help”

i can see him distancing himself after a fight if you’re also feeling a bit aggitated

doesn’t talk to you until it’s literally 2am and neither of you are sleeping bc yall always cuddle and you’re not cuddling him

:(

he’s always the first one to say sorry

my god he makes fun of you so much

not on a beomgyu level though

more of a “if you say something silly i will make you feel so dumb for the rest of the day” kind of clowning

wow jealousy

i feel like he’s not super jealous unless he feels threatened

everything was fine until the fire nation attacked

once he sees you getting a little too buddy buddy with someone else he’s like nah i gotta shut this shit down

he’s humble but once he’s jealous he’s all braggy to make himself seem above who ever was trying to get at you

“yeah i think we ALL-”

boy do you have to comfort this big baby

he’s sensitive :(

hold him and rub his head on his off days

tell him he’s the best boy and it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks screw them

he laughs like 

“shouldnt i be comforting you?” 

soooooooooo sappy

cliche asf boyfriend

buys you flowers

if he could he would be doing the whole radio outside your window thing (side note: yeonjun would too be he’s whipped asf)

college bf (we saw it coming)

see also: college bf who helps you in what he can and tells you to screw math bc you don’t need it anyways

shows up at your school or job after his practice

everyone loves him

everyone

you gotta be on guard 24/7

i wouldnt say you’d be insecure per se but soobin definietly lacks awareness when it comes to being flirted with

he recognizes others advances but laughs awkwardly, forgetting to tell the person he already has a partner

~cue mild argument~

at the end of it all he’s like “dont worry i only like you jeez”

if he’s working on a song he asks for your input

or rather how would you interpret a certain emotion that he isn’t able to convey

just to joke around, if he has to write a song about heartbreak but neither of you have been through that he’ll be like

“well there’s a first for everything :)”

soobin 100% takes the time to learn about your culture

he’s invested what can i say

introducing you to the other members isn’t THAT bad

but they definitely clown soobin

txt: “how come your partner is cooler than our own leader”

“maybe they should lead us instead” (joke)

soobin’s like fuck yall i can be cool :(

always send you cute selfies

with messages along the lines of

“i miss you :((((”

“bring ice cream on your way back!”

“be safe tho xxx”

he gives embarassing dad vibes

you can’t introduce him to your friends !

since he has you around he isn’t too shy and once he engages in conversation you better pack your bags

he’s trying to be funny (keyword: trying) but really it’s just your friends laughing to not make the hot idol bf not feel bad

you help him with his script for music bank

speaking of music bank

yes, yes, you are clowning him like the rest of txt and he comes home like

“not you too :(((((((”

hueningkai

my goodness hueningkai

yall tussle over soobin’s attention

sometimes it feels like youre sharing soobin with kai

you love them both but youre like “kai sweetie it’s cold and i wanna be the one to cuddle my bf so please”

speaking of cuddles 

best cuddles

ones where he’s wearing a really comfortable sweater that’s actually nice material and your face gets buried in his chest 

his limbs will be tangled in yours no doubt

but wow he’s so warm you almost never wanna let go

they don’t call him “home” for nothing

tall boy

makes fun of you if you’re shorter than him

yes he does tease you by placing items on higher-than-you-can-reach shelves

kick his shins he’ll give in

you: ”hows the weather up there”

him: “nice actually but you wouldnt know now would you :)”

tell him your problems, tell him anything

he will listen

and i mean let-you-ramble-for-hours kind of listen

but at the end of it his input is always valuable and he isn’t judgemental

he’s a good listener and gives good advice!!!

he’s not the leader for no reason put some damn trust in him!

[seihun]

This is just a random request that popped into my head one day but how would a sehun simp over someone he likes? Btw your work always makes my day (and I'm sure several other people's) better🥺

AHHHH you’re so cute 🥺🥺 asks like these really make my day too i hope you guys know that!! i don’t know if you wanted my Thoughts or like a fake texts about this, but i do have Thoughts so i figured i would share some hehe

first of all i want to say that even though sehun might be a brat and will probably wanna call his friends out for being simps, he actually holds his tongue bc he might just be the biggest one himself

(he’s not it’s probably junmyeon, but then again where do you think sehun learned it from??)

i know the word simp is actually like guys making fun of each other for..... literally just wanting to be around and doting on their gfs or vice versa but let’s take in the purest sense of someone who just really wanna be there for their s/o right 

sehun might be the most lowkey simp in the game but he’s still one of them LOL if you take that literal definition

for one, i just think sehun’s someone who likes spending time with you in any form, even if you’re not Doing anything together; which makes you one of his favorite people for that exact reason 

even if he just comes over to nap on your shoulder, he would much rather do that than sit by and watch as suyeol yell at each other over a game of mario kart

so yeah if sehun’s with his friends or other people and you ask him to come over or if he’s free, he’s suddenly very free

nothing could making him happier than going to spend time with you honestly

also on the note of leaving people to be with you, the thing with sehun is that he’s a little babie 

but you probably already knew that

so he won’t Ask you to drop things for him, and will consciously not ask you to do something if he knows you’re busy (and he knows when you’re busy because he’s memorized your schedule) 

(except “busy” doesn’t equate with studying outside of regular school hours aka friday night to sunday evening, if you think you can ditch him for your textbook during those hours you’re wrong) 

(i mean if you have a big exam the following monday he’s not going to purposefully piss you off and distract you, but he will make sure you’re being healthy and going to bed at a decent hour, and he’ll supervise you [re: cuddle you to sleep] himself if he has to)

now he also doesn’t want to pry or come off as whiny (even tho he’s a little whiny), so he also won’t Ask you to spend more time with him than ‘necessary’

which is why if YOU happen to ask him to come over to do something, he’s already on his way LOL doesn’t matter what he was previously doing 

that’s really when the simp in him jumps out lmao 

but he has no shame in his game around his friends

again if suyeol are just bickering about something dumb, sehun will just grab his keys and be like “i’m leaving i’ll see you idiots later”

and when they do in fact see him again later, and ask where he went sehun will just shrug and be like “(name) needed me for something”

(needed is a strong word and really you just asked if he was free but chanyeol and junmyeon don’t need to know all of that)

he’s also very willing to do new things with you, even if it’s something he might not like, or that his friends have tried to convince him of before

“i can’t hang on saturday, (name) and i are going to the drive through petting zoo”

“sehun, i thought you hate and are afraid of all animals that aren’t vivi??”

“i don’t know what you’re talking about. besides s/o already bought the tickets so you’re gonna have to find somebody else to crush you in smash this weekend sorry baek”

he also strikes me as an attentive kinda person like i mentioned with knowing your schedule

the kind of boyfriend (or even just friend) to remember small details about your day, or your general life, or will observe them himself

he’ll take note of what kind of shoes you prefer to wear when going out on dates vs going to class vs doing something else, how many pillows you sleep with, little eating habits, he’ll even remember the names of your profs if you mention them to him 

so the simp in him makes sure all your favorite things are nice and neat and plentiful and in good condition

but he’ll never tell you he did it or if you point it out/find out he’ll just shrug and be like “you needed new pillows anyway. your old ones were getting flat.”

oh and i can’t forget potential drama and gossip you might share with him about your own friends or class

my god does sehun gobble that shit up 

that doesn’t really make him a simp but if you repeatedly tell him about susan from your calc class and he happens to see her on campus he may or may not send her a silent death glare in solidarity with you 

i think if you and sehun both listened to a new album, he’d be able to predict which songs would be your favorites with near perfect accuracy, he’s just that kinda guy

the type to drop off coffee for you while you’re working in the library, kiss the top of your head, and then walk away without saying a word

the biggest sucker for matching items but he kinda just... gets them for you guys and doesn’t say anything about it 

if you point it out eventually like “hey now we have the same scarf” he’ll be like hmm i guess we do and then let you take as many selfies with him as you want

but god forbid anyone of his friends point is out LOL

overall sehun the simp really just gives you all his time and attention which we know we know doesn’t make him simp just a good, attentive boyfriend 

(that's not gonna stop him from getting teased about it tho hehe)

[sanchoyo]

Looks like you’re gonna have to gush some more cuz I meant in general uwu🌸

🌺😌🤟 Always happy to! Okay here’s just some General bnha Thoughts ™ Mostly Lov centric. You asked for them, and you said GUSH about them, so here’s. A Lot! :)

This isn’t a lov one but it’s really funny so I thought I’d put it out there:

-when bnha was first gaining traction on tumblr, it was all art of Tsuyu. I have no idea why. People were talking about the funky frog lesbian superhero anime. Maybe it was just the people I was following, maybe it was a general trend, but I LOVED her design!!! my fav color and frogs r super cute!!! And I already loved superhero media, so I was like. I’ll watch it. For Her. SO. FROPPY IS THE REASON I WATCHED/READ BNHA. I went in thinking she was the protag and I was sooo confused when Izuku was... tbh I still think it’d be more interesting if she was lmaooo aus where? ...seriously if anyone has good aus where this is the case send them LOL

-I don’t actually feel that bad abt what Shigaraki’s doing. I still feel bad for him. I’m this post. yes im an apologist. its not my fault hes sexy and has been running around shirtless. hes a lesbian icon like thor is. I want to touch his hair. hes never done anything wrong in his life. he could kill all might, deku, bakugo, whatever, I’d still be sayin this. I don’t feel bad for gt. like. was anyone genuinely attached to him? lmao

-well u know how spinner’s quirk is just sticking to things? We haven’t seen him use it in canon except like, (1) time iirc?? I think this is probably bc he’s embarrassed about it even in front of the league... I loooove the idea that he gets more comfortable with it around them :”) and also how shigaraki. um. does that falling asleep thing while standing up with his eyes open, canonly? (which I still love lmfao) Imagine someone in the league walking in a dark room, turning on the light n just seeing. Spinner upside down, stuck to the ceiling asleep bc heat rises and its Warmer Up There. (cold blooded thing like tsuyu?? come ON give him a big fuzzy coat and scarf...) and Shigaraki in the center of the room, slouched but still standing, eyes open and motionless. Theyre both sleeping. Whomever sees it just...slowly walks out. LMAO

-Toga roller derby au. No deep thoughts I just think she’d be good at it. 

-Toga 100% is a social butterfly and could befriend anyone if they didn’t just judge the fact she was trying to stab them smh :/ (ok but seriously anytime I see cute friendships with her n the other kids im like :) aw. I feel like her and Camie...would be good friends. Camie feels chill enough to be like ‘ok whatever thats totally fine I forgive you!!’ LMAO we love airheads here)

-HOW DID TOGA GET SO GOOD AT FIGHTING? We know she’s been on the run since middle school or so, but good enough to pin Deku down after he’s been formally trained at a ~hero school~ for a while? (she pinned him TWICE I think, once when his arms were messed up, but, the other time as Camie, so? AND THEN WAS ONE OF THE 100 PEOPLE TO GO THRU TO THE 2ND ROUND OF THAT? even tho she didn’t bc she had to leave) good enough to beat Aizawa in a fight and stab him? A professional hero and teacher for YEARS? Is that seriously just street training??? Can people acknowledge how amazing her combat skills and reflexes are??? More Toga appreciation when?? Also her backstory??? SO subversive and incredible, hate when people reduce her to just a ~typical anime yandere~ :/

-Tomura doing stuff with his hands/fingers to train his quirk!!! And to learn to be careful with it!! obv I’m a Big Fan of him playing piano to do this and video games are prob the canon answer, but like, guitar or any stringed instrument that requires Hands would work too. Or knitting/sewing? EMBROIDERING? ??? Please, let me give you the mental image of him knitting aggressively while mentally scheming, watching a twitch streamer or smth too while doing it. (Doing stuff with your hands is a great way to let your mind come up with creative stuff, that’s how I come up with writing/drawing ideas 70% of the time)

-Tomura actually PREFERS cutesty, relaxing games. I mean, he does fighting and bloody stuff irl, games are a way to relax...he’ll play shooters and gta type games with The Lads, but. on his own?? animal crossing. pokemon. kirby games. mario. zelda. BIG ZELDA FAN (not saying this bc I, personally, am biased, but,) slime rancher, stardew valley, funny simulator games... he really enjoys those :”) God forbid he has a kid bc they’re 100% getting named after a viddy game character unless someone can talk him out of it LOL. Toga and Tomura are that animal crossing /doom meme where she’d be asking for doom and him asking for animal crossing :”)

-Bits and pieces of Before are kinda stuck in Kurogiri’s brain, but like. mostly useless stuff the doctor didn’t care about removing. Like, types of clouds. So Tomura kinda picks up on stuff like that. He can just look at clouds and tell you what type they are because Kurogiri used to take him up to high places in the city and point them out to calm Tomura down from a panic attack when he was younger. He can tell you if the sky looks like it’ll rain with a 80% accuracy rate too. 

-Kurogiri left food out for kitties in the alley beside the bar. They weren’t allowed in for Health Reasons (it IS a bar with sanitation standards!!) And Tomura really wouldn’t stop it or encourage it either way so long as Kurogiri did his job, but occasionally would stand outside with Kurogiri and just watch the kitties from a distance. If any approached he’d go back in (lowkey afraid he’d hurt them by touching them :( ) They kinda kept that between them tho, bc they both Know AFO is a big bag of dicks and no fun

-people have pointed out how similar aizawa and tomura look. this was 100% the intention. tomura has a hatecrush on him. THIS IS SO FUNNY AND HORRIBLY AWKWARD FOR KUROGIRI LMAO

-Sako??? Mr. Dramatic?? Opera fan. Drama kid. Like, obviously, but. Really. He is. I feel like he can speak a dozen languages. I also feel like he used to be an overachiever but got too ambitious. He was def some kind of leader at one point of a diff Group or something that fell apart. I LOVE how creative he is with his quirk and the magician theme??? incredible. I don’t show him enough love but I Love Clowns :o)

-I don’t care what their canon heights are. Spinner and Dabi? short kings. My height hcs are (tallest to shortest) Kurogiri, Twice, Sako (who also has heels on his boots and a tall hat, keep in mind), Tomura, Magne (Tomura and Magne are about the same height imo) Toga, Spinner, Dabi. LISTEN. Dabi has short energy. Sorry. it’s true tho

-This is a semi-popular hc I think bc I KNOW I’ve seen it before, but Dabi having Terrible Vision and needing glasses is so so good. (seriously, with burns THAT close to his eyeballs, how could he not?) 

-he tries to be a tough loner coolguy. you’d think he’d smoke, but I hc his ‘weak constitution’ comes with weak lungs (esp from years of a flame quirk?? inhaling smoke over so much time is SO bad for you, most people who die in fires actually die of smoke inhalation...) so he’s got like, an inhaler, can’t smoke, actually gets carsick, needs glasses, overuses quirk to save friends constantly, likes napping, a little awkward and rude. Tomura put him in charge of the vanguard so he’s smart, and good with strategies too, like a nerd. this is the Dabi I wanna see, not the popular fandom version of him tbh also step on hawks one more time sir :”)

-I wish all the lov fics weren’t?? villain!deku like I said earlier, but also, chatfics? I have nothing against them but most of them are just a bombardment of Memes with NO PLOT!!! Listen. text/chatfics CAN have plot and be an interesting way to tell a story. I almost want to write one just to show what I mean...

I know I’ve said I like spinaraki and blackmagic, but I am a multishipper, so a few ships I don’t talk about that I like that involve the lov in some way:

-toga/any of the 1A girls??? or Camie??? super interesting. ALSO in the radio drama, bakugo’s voice actor said Toga was his favorite girl??? so?? bakugo/toga ?? I WANT TO SEE IT. but specifically my fav dynamic with her is when someone ELSE is the one to like her first, it’s what she deserves.

-Kurogiri/aizawa/mic?? any variety of that is also 👌🏻 I also kinda wanna see kurogiri/all might bc. Dads. COME ON. they bond over ‘well, I raised him, and you want to have a part in his life now?? ok. earn it. prove it. I’ll screen you first’ or something LMAO they’re both genuinely concerned for the boy, and SOOO biased. let them bond.

-WAIT WHERE IS THE MIC/COMPRESS CONTENT. THEYRE BOTH DRAMATIC. ENEMIES TO LOVERS?? HELLO??? SOMEONE?? ANYONE. rarepair hours

-giran/twice is cute. like he was hyping him up so much and so ready to go save him...

-dabi/magne where is the content. when. why not everywhere??? I’ve also seen magne/compress which was cute!! or twice/magne? they’re the big sibs of the lov...

-dabi/spinner?? come ON dabi could get over his learned biases and spend time with him and they could hold hands. I want them to.

-dabihawks. Obviously bc the Drama. yes even still, don’t @ me. (also, shigahawks, seen some REAL interesting fics with it tbh) or spinahawks?? adding hawks to a ship is like adding extra chili powder. makes it SPICY dramatic)

-nine/tomura don’t @ me once again. both kinda afo’s playthings, nine obviously was the test for tomura’s new upgrades...they both love their friends...That Scene in the Flower field </3 hmmm tragicships are fun.

-tomura/mirko. more enemies to lovers. big fan of her and bunnies. remember when he wore bunny ears in bnha smash. (ok its crack but. CUTE.) 

-I’ve also seen shiganatsu and shigafuyu and I’m like. these are cute, but also Dabi’s reaction always makes me cry laugh. so good.

-MOST EVERYONE IN THE LOV IS LGBTQA+!!! heres my personal headcanons:

Toga: pan or bi (CANON BASICALLY)

Magne: transwoman (CANON BABEY) bi, leans towards men. (her crush on dabi in bnha smash... uwu content where)

Shuichi: gets sooooo flustered canonly, I think he’d go for the first person Who Hit On Him (I can see him being the target of those mean pranks where someone says ‘my friend likes you!!’ and the friend is like ‘eww!!’ :(((( ) he’s super hesitant for romance, lots of repressed stuff. gay but takes sooo long to realize it bc he thinks most women are conventionally pretty Aesthethically, feels obligated to Like Them, but has bad self esteem so never goes after them, then only likes (1) guy so hes like?? is this allowed?? is this allowed???? (HES LIKE. IN LOVE WITH SHIGARAKI)

Dabi: bi but rly hasn’t ever gotten to date anyone, so he’s actually more reserved about it and while he’ll tease, he absolutely is absent and kinda oblivious (again, I KNOWWWW bnha smash isnt canon, but. my god. when magne is hitting on him and he Just Doesnt Understand.) also hes ace

Tomura: doesn’t care. (just prob says ‘its whatever’) trans/nonbinary (i’M NOT PROJECTING, BUT. :’/) probably goes with like, the label queer if any but doesn’t care much for labels

Kurogiri: bi??? kind of??? I say kind of bc well, I hc U Know Whom as bi, I feel like thatd carry over but he’d be really avoidant to date anyone bc hes gotta Watch His Kid u know? this is gonna sound surprising but I think he’d be the type to be like ‘ok we can have a one night stand/fling BUT it cant get personal bc I have a Job to Do for my Son so don’t get up in your feelings’ and act a little coldly at first or very ..not personable... depending on who it was he’d prob turn around eventually, esp if that person valued his feelings/job :”)

Sako: that mans Not Straight. I hc him as gay and also trans :3c

Twice: Bi and HAS dated prob more than anyone else in the league imo, super comfortable with his sexuality and supportive of everyone else’s :)

ok that’s about all I can think of atm, come back in 5 minutes and my brain will refill with lov headcanons :3 thank you for asking!!

[ofclaude]

vent post   under a readmore instead of in the tags bc i !! need to vent !!! & the point of not typing in the post is to be less in your face but this is gonna be a Lot probably lmao

i just. wish i had people around me who i actually care about & who care about me instead of them all being countries away. i live here in this place that helps me recover from trauma & integrate blahblahblah &...like.

they are literally paid to pet my head & call me sweet & go aww really :(( that sucks! & tell me the world’d be worse off without me. & it just fucking. it always gets to me. how is it supposed to not??? i want to be cared about the reason i’m suicidal is because no-one i’ve lived around ever gave a shit about me except 2 primary school teachers & one friend in high-school. people have been paid to pretend to care about me since i was born because me dying was more scandalous than paying a stranger to therapy the neglect away !!

i’m so tired. i’m so, so tired & i can’t anymore. oh, i will. i always fucking do !!! i always fucking do!! and i hate that!! because it’s never. i. ugh. i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tierd i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tried i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired

i went to talk to my father & he !! doesn’t even remember !!! telling me to go live on the street & die in a village where i was the freak when i was 6 years fucking old because he was just qangry & well he got it off his chest didn’t he !! I FUCKING CAN’T IT’S CALLED C-PTSD FUCK YOUR ENTIRE LIFE he was a grown-ass man lashing out in a violent rage at his own goddamn child & NO-ONE. NO-ONE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING WHEN THEY DO THAT. YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING WHEN YOU DO THAT, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU FORGOT ABOUT IT!! YOU’RE STILL THE ASSHOLE WHO MADE ME SUICIDAL & MADE IT SO I KNOW I’M WORTHLESS, I KNOW NOTHING WILL EVER BE OKAY, I KNOW NOTHING WILL EVERY CHANGE THIS

& that was just one, tiny lil interaction out of 24 years of that shit. 24 years !! how am i supposed to just. work thru all of that shit without getting tired of it; yaddahyaddah make ya life better IF UCKING KNOW. HOW ABOUT NOT MAKING ME WORK FOR SMTH I NEVER CHOSE & DON’T WANT ANYMORE, HOW ABOUT DOING SOMETHING ABOU TTHE SCUMBAGS WHO GET TO JUST ‘GET BETTER’ AFTER the only reason they’re not responsible for my death is bc i got real fucking lucky. i’ve got massive endurance & i got lucky as hell. & it wouldn’t have mattered bc THEN I WOULD’VE BEEN DEAD, HUH?!?!? NO-ONE CARES! no-one does anything, & i’m sick of it. they get to kill me, but fuck forbid i do something abou tthem.

& blah that’s all feelings & trauma blah it’s not true i fucking know it’s not true. nothing’s true or fals #nihilism. doesn’t matter that’s not the point. i can do endless therapy, i can have people pet my head all day, i can talk myself out of this & that attempt because i know it won’t change anything. but i can’t change that this lives in me. it’s been years since i cut ties. he’s changed. i’ve changed, else i wouldn’t have cut ties in the first place but ok.

i still don’t want him. i still don’t like him. part of me still cries & hates me for taking my own daddy away from me!! even tho he’s the aggressive bastard who makes me want to fucking take my own life hellloooooo !?!?!? i have to put up with this shit. because i choose to live, but i didn’t get to choose what motherfuckers i was born with - not that my mother didn’t try to teach me otherwise tho !!! it’s all ur own choice uwu u made this call u wanted me for a parent !!!! except i loved myself unlike you bitches so no i did not but go off !! in ur fantasyland

it’s been 3 fucking years & i’ve done so much & i actually got myself a will to live last years. & it’s like. yay it’s better now :))))) no. it’s not. there are better things also. this is not better. it won’t get better, because there is nothing to change. & since it’s ptsd, i can’t forget either. blahblah lessen the impact IF UCKING KNOW I DO THERAPY I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS! BUT IT DOESN’T CHANG ETHE FACT MY OWN PARENTS THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY TO TEACH ME TO HATE MYSELF & THAT THE WHOLE WORLD COULD ONLY EVER HATE ME BUT I WASN’T ALLOWED TO DIE!! OR MAKE A SCENE !! THAT’D LOOK BAD HUH?? me, the village freak. diagnosed with autism cuz they traumatised me so bad it looked the goddamn same but fuck forbid ANYONE. EVER. talk to my parents !! noooo no i was the one that needed fixing. except they did that wrong too my fucking god does it never end.

i’m tired. i’m tired of living with the pieces of somebody else’s mistakes. i’m tired of being afraid of pushing away the only people i have who i do care about & who care about me, just by asking them to care about the parts of me that’ll never get better. i’m sick of hiding how tired i am. i’m sick of having to be normal & happy & good enough by all those rules that don’t belong to me just to not be as terrified of being neglected again - except this time by people who don’t owe me shit.

i always deal with everything. & i’m tired of it. i’m so, so fucking tired. i know. i know it can get better. i know i can find ways. i know. i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i KNOW. that doesn’t make it okay.

i wish it did, but it never does.

& since :))) i’m afraid of running off my friends by asking directly i’ll just ;)) vent :))) here ;)))

what do you even say to the ppl who actually care about you anyway like lmao what a joke. the better i get the more room i have to conform to being normal - & idc about how other ppl like it, i mean. bad normal. social skills apparently only mean ways, not truth. i was never taught social skills so i communicated directly, which is super good & ppl these days need to be taught that?? so much????????? but no i was awkward & didn’t have social skills. fuck you, ppl raised from the get-go with social skills are the WORST at being social bc they never had to learn another person’s language or the desperation that comes with the language barriers no-one will explain to you. i’m so tired. i’m so tired of jumping thru hoops just to  what???? get ppl to care??? get smn to care about????????? & then what. jump thru hoops some more bc now u have smn who doesn’t get u unless u filter out who you are & are left with nothing.

it’s so important to be me but the better i get the less i can do that & that’s what killed me so i gues we’re back at square one !!! let’s go back to therapy & pretend i need that when i already know how to work shit. let’s pay another person to pet my head & give me an hour of their time to vent, just because i don’t have to be afraid they’ll run. jesus christ. if i can’t be me i won’t do it. but idek if i can force myself to bemyself anymore & that’s fucking scary. learning social skills after a lifetime of being shunned just makes me more equipped to go with my terrible coping skills, which is to nix myself & just. be normal be normal be normal be normal bne nomral bne mrf oamlf be nomral. i’m tired.

& blah if u wanna post it on tumblr u gotta go on ur personal uwu ur rp blog is a vending machine no personal shit !! how dare u have a personal life that Exists lmao

[thetactilepope]

Lessons in Thermodynamics: Chapter 7

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A Matter of Pride

Thirty-one days until winter break

Friday

 Momo sat in the restaurant booth, surrounded by her friends, feeling relaxed and happy. She wasn’t totally at ease, but as she laughed along with Kyouka and Hagakure at Mina’s jokes, it was tempting to forget she had a deadline hanging over her head and that in almost exactly four weeks, her fate at Yuuei would be determined.

“I needed this, especially after everything that happened.” Frowning at the thought, she remembered her visit with Todoroki’s mother, and then his confession about his scar, the frankly disastrous study session afterwards, and his abrupt departure.

Most of her Saturday had been spent replaying that moment on the sidewalk over and over in her head, trying to figure out what to do with her newfound insight regarding Todoroki’s past.

In the end, she hadn’t been able to settle on any course of action, a dissatisfactory outcome, even if things had worked out in the end.

“Our meeting on Monday could have gone better,’ She mused, fiddling with the straw in her milkshake, ‘that’s for certain…”

---

“Yaoyorozu-san, you’ve got nothing to apologize for.” Todoroki had said, cutting her off before she could finish her apology.

Momo sighed, shifting the papers in front of her around, “Then stop treating me like I do.”

He seemed perplexed by her words, utterly unware of the tension between them.

“Just… Never mind, let’s just get started,” Fuming, she opened the novel, resigning herself to the silence.

---

They only managed to go through around half of the assigned chapter, thanks to her partner zoning out every few minutes. It had irritated her to no end, but thankfully, she hadn’t had to endure many sessions like that.

Kyouka, after listening to her problem, had been the one to suggest simply explaining her feelings to Todoroki clearly. It was a solution she’d overlooked, and one that allowed them to return to the easy camaraderie she enjoyed.

“What’cha smiling about, Yaomomo?” Mina asked, a mischievous grin stretching across her face, “Someone finally capture your debutante heart?”

“What?” Despite her efforts to retain her composure, her cheeks began to warm as she attempted to rebuff the question, “N-No, it’s nothing like that. I was just remembering…”

Mina leaned forward eagerly, grin growing wider, “Remembering… what?”

“Yeah, tell us!” Hagakure clapped, as she mimicked Mina’s motion.

Glancing at Kyouka, eyes pleading for an assist, Momo struggled to think of something innocuous to say, that wouldn’t pique their interest

“I saw… a-a… a cute cat the other day,’ She offered weakly, ‘While I was… walking to the store with Todoroki.”

“AHA! I knew it!” The gleeful exclamation was accompanied by a squeal of surprise from Hagakure, and stifled laughter from Kyouka. Shooting her best friend a look that demanded ‘how could you?’ Momo suddenly wished she hadn’t taken the seat by the window. It meant exiting early would be far from a graceful affair.

“You an’ Mr. Hot-and-Cold have been spending an awful lot of time together recently.” Mina began, her pointer finger tapping on the table to punctuate each point, “Not to mention how secretive you’ve been about that fact.”

“Furthermore, you’ve been actin’ awful jumpy in class. As if there’s something on your mind. Yeah, there’s no doubt about it, Yaoyorozu Momo, you…”

Momo stiffened, fearing the worst. She had tried so hard to hide her failure from the class, but she should have realized that she wouldn’t be able to forever. No doubt her friends would be hurt by her secrecy.

“You’re dating Todoroki-kun! Right, right?” Hagakure said brightly, interrupting Mina’s string of observations.

Indignantly, the pink-haired girl crossed her arms, “Hey, I was getting to that!”  

“They just think we’re dating…” The thought was accompanied by a wave of relief, which quickly turned to embarrassment as the accusation sunk in.

With her cheeks approaching the colour of her hero suit, Momo considered what to say. On one hand, it would be incredibly presumptuous of her to buy into the lie. But correcting her classmates would most likely involve fessing up about her failed test…

“I could just… not say anything.” She thought, her hand clenching under the table, bunching up a small section of her skirt, “Todoroki and I are so far from involved like that, denying it isn’t necessary.”

Even in her head, the words rang hollow, tinged with the familiar fear of failure. As she finally rolled her eyes at Toru’s remark, Momo plastered an easy-going smile to her face, pushing all the doubt to a far-off corner of her mind.

She’d just have to deal with this later.

…

Once she was back at the dorm, Momo was eager to return to her room.

“A break with my friends is nice’, she sighed, ‘but I can’t blow off homework. Not completely, at least.”

Climbing the steps, she paused near the top, her attention caught by the sounds of a not-quite-peaceful discussion.

“C’mon, man, just tell us!” Kaminari’s voice whined, carrying down the hall.

The next voice that spoke brought a frown to her face, “Yeah! What’s the deal with you and our babe of a vice-rep?”

“Mineta. Ugh.” God forbid she make it to her room without getting harassed once.

“Deal? What do you mean by that?” Todoroki’s calm tone responded, but she could tell his patience was wearing thin. She could practically picture the disinterest on his face.

Kaminari sighed, and then continued, “Dude, are you guys, like, together? You’ve been hanging around each other a lot, an’ I-’

There was a sound like an elbow connecting with a kneecap, and a grunt of pain from the blond, as well as a loudly muttered ‘Ow!’

“Sorry, we,’ He stressed the word, ‘don’t wanna step on your toes or nothing. Considering you could probably destroy us.”

The silence stretched for longer than was comfortable, and the temperature seemed to drop noticeably. Momo held her breath, hoping her study partner wasn’t about to tell them anything.

“Yaoyorozu-san is more than capable of doing that herself, you know. Destroying you, I mean.” Todoroki spoke with confidence, and she could clearly envision the set of his jaw, “And besides, my relationship with her shouldn’t matter more than her own feelings.”

A crackling sound filled the air – that chill hadn’t just been her imagination, then – accompanied by exclamations of surprise.

“Please, take Kaminari! This was all his idea!”

“Hey! It was not, you gremlin!”

A pause, and then the electricity user spoke again, “Uh, no need to start freezing things, Todoroki. We’ll just… be going, then. Sorry to have disturbed you.”

Suppressing a laugh, she turned the corner just in time to see the two other boys disappear up the stairs, bickering about whose fault the incident was, and observed Todoroki using his left hand to melt a patch of ice on his doorframe.

“Oh, Yaomomo,’ He turned to look at her, ‘how was everyone? Did you have fun?”

“When did he start calling me that?” She wondered, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. Not that she minded. It was nice, the way he had warmed up to her.

With a shrug, she made a so-so motion with her other hand, “Everyone’s a little stressed right now. But, yes, I did have fun. You… should come with us, one of these days.”

His answer was simply a non-committal huff, but one that meant he’d consider it. She knew Todoroki still felt awkward around many of his classmates, but was making strides to be more social.

Still, Momo couldn’t shake the lingering memory of the conversation she had listened in on.

“I heard what you told those two.” She confessed, “Thank you.”

He smiled softly, shaking his head, “Ah, it was nothing. Just the truth.”

“Well, I appreciate it nevertheless.”

Fumbling for other conversation topics, she asked if he was going to be ready for their session on Monday. After an assurance that he would, she bid him goodnight, finally returning to her room.

…

Homework nearly complete, Momo glanced over at her phone as it buzzed yet again, finally catching her attention. She stood up from her desk and grabbed it, before sprawling onto her bed with a huff. Her phone had practically blown up with notifications.

“I hope nothing happened.” Usually, it only got this busy the night before a test, as many of her classmates asked last minute questions.

The messages, and there were a lot of them, were from a group chat Mina had set up, one that was used to plan things like that afternoon’s outing. Momo was tuning in just in time to catch the middle of a conversation.

{Class 1-A Girl Power!!}

∞ girl [whaaaat? yaomomo and todoroki are really dating??!! FOR REAL??!]

pinky <3 [YEAH!! i asked her today lol!]

[she was p tight-lipped about it tho…]

hijacks [c’mon yaomomo never actualy *said* they were] [haga-chan, back me up!]

see-thru [i mean…]

[Jirou is kinda right?]

pinky <3 [*hmph* w/e she just doesn’t wanna admit they’re really together] [bc she didn’t know either] [ >8P ]

hijack [hey mina] [🖕🖕]

pinky <3 [ily 2, boo ;)]

∞ girl [deku says todoroki hasnt mentioned anything abt this?] [also that kaminari and the purple one were gonna check w/todoroki]

[he’s gonna ask around see if anyone else knows]

hijack [uraraka] [urararararaka]

[YOU TOLD MIDORIYA???]

∞ girl [oh]

[oops]

Several people are typing…

 The only reason Momo cursed out loud was because she let her phone drop out of shock, hitting herself square in the forehead. Not because it would take a miracle to prevent the rest of her classmates from latching onto the rumor about her and Todoroki.

Definitely not that.

With a groan, she rolled over, burying her face in her pillow, muttering muffled by the plush fabric, “Perfect, absolutely perfect.”

To join the group chat now would be like jumping into a shark tank with an open wound. Extremely awkward, to say the least.

She wracked her brains for a solution, but was too drained think of anything, “We’re definitely going to need to meet before Monday, and figure out what to do…”

“Yes, having yet another private chat with Todoroki would certainly go a long way to clearing up these suspicions,” Her doubtful side deadpanned, “Nothing flawed with that logic.”

With another groan, she pushed her face deeper into the pillow, “I just want to pass the test, is that so much to ask?”

There are twenty-four days until the Retest.