#god i need new medication

[willtasker]

Nothing Bleeds Red Enough

(As is the habit of my better, younger writers, I feel putting a trigger warning at the top of this entry is needed, but as I’ve not written it yet, I can’t say what the TW is for. That said: General TW for mental health, suicid*l ideation, and things in that orbit.)

I found out around Thanksgiving that Amanda married someone.

This information limped its rotten way across my path because Tiktok has a really nefarious way of using contact information. They’ve since edited it to look less intrusive, but basically: if your information is in someone’s contact list, the Tiktok app will tell you. That is to say: I no longer had her information in my phone but she apparently still has mine, and her new last name appeared with the axiom “People who have your contact info” (the descriptive in quotes is now changed to “people you may know” - which is much more passive tense).

Some basic math is: the guy she cheated on me with and then left me for is her new husband.

We were on and off, staying in touch over the years because we couldn’t shake the supernatural connection. I would think about her at random, and then she’d email me the next day after having no contact for years. Or I’d email or call her. Back and forth. This would freak her out very badly, and while I do not believe in supernatural events but I have had experiences that would make other people believe in them.

For three years, its a perfect relationship. Everything - everything - worked. Until it didn’t. I had gotten an AirBNB for our anniversary and that night she rolled over and gave me her back. No explanation. The next morning, she dumped me in a coffee shop in Boston with no explanation. I begged her in a text for a reason why.

No explanation.

Some years later, standing outside my father’s house, having found my stepmother dead the night before from a heart attack, she replies.

She loved me but wasn’t in love with me. There was someone else and it was long distance and not stable but was probably for good. She had new and better friends and the support she wanted. She wished me well.

This burned into my mind’s eye much worse than the Death that just entered my life. This was the supernatural, spiritual connection I had mentioned, but used for evil. The timing was entirely too on the nose.

I do not believe in supernatural events but I have had experiences that would make other people believe in them.

It is now the end of 2022. I am not letting go so much as forcing myself to move on. The head tells me to, the heart never lets go. I missed some big benchmarks growing up, like how to forgive myself or how to move on from a break-up, lessons that protect you from life. And I was never told what to do or what to feel when I would open up an old app to find she’d deleted our entire chat/image history while I was asleep.

And now I find out she’d rather fuck someone else than be with me. That all her perfect annunciations over the years amounted to meaningless. That all those years of bonding and sweet words and shared pain and scars and dreams meant nothing.

I’d have had children with her, if she’d asked. And now its obviously better that we hadn’t.

She lived in my head as a paragon of what a partner should be for a very long time. To say I put her on a pedestal isn’t high enough. And for all this heartache, I miss the lie that I believed.

I miss it so much it makes me literally physically ill.

I’ve had a rolling panic attack since the start of December. I had no idea why and couldn’t shake it. I fully believe this news, this update, however ... big a nothing it is, is the reason I’m sleeping 4 hours a night, having premature ventricular heartbeats, unable to sit still. Finally, at 2 in the morning a few days ago, I burst out crying like Claire Danes and it wasn’t nearly long enough, but it was what I needed. And I need more. Release is addictive when all you know is anxiety.

I’ve also spent some of today looking for a new therapist. I haven’t been to CBT in a few years and I think I’m way overdue. I probably need some short term anxiety medication too.

I wouldn’t need any of this if I had her though. And I can still hear her voice in my head and remember how she touched and the smell and pull of her hair and every gentle sigh and look in her face when she found me looking back.

I do not believe in supernatural events but I have had experiences that would make other people believe in them. 

Our one mutual friend hates Amanda now. HATES. Like - no lie - “old Italian woman spitting on the floor if I mention her” hates. She doesn’t hate her ex-husband but she hates Amanda for what she did to me. Calls her a narcissist and a body empty of soul. I somewhat agree; you can’t pull someone this deep into your ocean and then be dispassionate when they drown.

But I fucking miss her.

I hate myself for it too. But I fucking miss her.

I don’t plan on contacting her. I don’t even know if the old email addresses or phone numbers or any of that is still valid and I don’t have any of her social media information. Its better that way because, Lord knows, we use to stalk each other.

But I fucking miss her, you know?

I’ve struggled with suicidal idealization since age 10. My last therapist said it was more that I wanted to be free of misery than to be actually dead. I needed to know I had that way out, or an escape hatch or place to run to if it ever got so bad. And I won’t lie: I am struggling with this again because of her. I’ll likely never act on it, but its also a hard thing to live under. Its a shadow that also paints everything else under it.

And while I have no doubt she’s happy - or at least happier - I also know (not believe, but KNOW) that she still hears that instinctual call we share and that she knows what she’s dragging me though and maybe - just maybe - its keeping her awake at night sometimes too.

I do not believe in supernatural events but I have had experiences that would make other people believe in them. 

She is probably the biggest one of them all.

[b-blushes]

also i am going to the dr tomorrow so please can you send some spare good vibes my way if you have them thank you

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

im at the part of the unemployment/health chores where i am continually (politely!) harassing four different entities. why isn’t my shit done. why did you lose it. hello are you alive

[antisocialxconstruct]

.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Sometimes I make scheduling choices that truly make me question whether or not my impulse control is strong enough to prevent me from sprouting wings and flying head first into an active volcano

But at least I'm on vacation next week tho

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[feelslikegold]

.

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Everyone clap and cheer my meds were finally fucking posted

[yaoiconnoisseur]

I’m feeling deeply unhappy with everything and I’m unsure if it’s due to stress or if it’s the depression

[ivycorp]

The battlefield shifted since Megatron stopped showing up.

The Autobots had to admit that they had encountered a very odd dilemma - on one hand, they were glad for the reduced tensions, as the most obvious source of contention had been removed. On another, the Decepticons were way more difficult to handle without the warlord’s presence; he usually was a good indication of the general state of their side of the struggle.

If he fought on, they usually did too - and when he stopped, they most often followed suit.

Now, without him, the fights became more unpredictable, and the Autobots were at the disadvantage once more. The Nemesis was maintaining communication blackout, which mostly irritated Agent Fowler, who has grown attached to the regular updates from the ship’s crew chat and had to learn how to deal with getting a rush of notifications at random intervals instead, as the Vehicons went outside of the jamming range, making him miss out on important details.

They were faced again with the nagging sense of being left out of the loop - they were learning about operations being carried out days after they have already been completed, which reminded them of the silent years before Megatron returned from space to unleash on them the Dark Energon madness.

This meant that Starscream was back in the driving seat of the Decepticon forces, but not yet as the actual leader - all of them knew they would have heard from the seeker had the silver mech actually meet his demise. There would most likely be some sort of an elaborate ceremony to keep up appearances before the jet would take control over the faction into an iron grip; this time most likely without Soundwave’s opposition, since he must have initiated and kept the communication jam for a reason.

All of this, combined with a gradually worsening mood of their Prime, made the prior status quo appear slightly appealing - even with the horrible embarrassment that came with seeing their leader engage the enemy in a more intimate way than they all preferred.

At least it was familiar.

Optimus was growing steadily more incensed in a frightening way to the rest of the Autobots, obviously affected by the prolonged separation. Initially the quiet was not causing any outward impact on the mech, but a few days later, when they would normally expect to see Decepticon movement, there was nothing.

It continued to stay silent for another week.

Then another one after that.

They only realized there had been a change of management when Fowler mentioned that there had been an accident at one of the mining operations - which should have attracted their attention. The fact that it didn't meant it has been kept very well under wraps - and that was not Megatron's usual concern.

They scrambled to try and gain insight into any Decepticon-related activity - and kept on drawing blanks. While the locations they already knew about were unguarded and thus easily accessible, providing opportunities for raiding, there were not enough traces to see where the enemy actually was.

There were odd signs of other involved parties, but no concrete details - so instead of gaining insights, they were met with even more questions.

Finally, after nearly a month, they managed to pinpoint a minor Decepticon operation in progress by luck alone - Bumblebee was out on patrol and managed to spot a familiar alt form of the seeker in the sky. Following the jet with caution proved fruitful, as the scout pinged the base with coordinates of the active site, asking for backup.

Moments later, part of the Autobot crew came out from the portal, peering over the distance in hopes of scoping the field before engagement. A couple of Vehicons, lots of Energon and Starscream - risky, but manageable.

Arcee pointedly ignored the way Optimus curled his fists at the prominent lack of the warlord on site.

Finally motioning them to approach closer, they tried to keep out of sight, hoping to maintain an element of surprise. Unfortunately, there wasn't much cover available; with a sound of alarm, one of the Vehicons pointed towards their position right as they tried to surround the Decepticon SIC.

Optimus lunged at the seeker, leaving the rest of the enemies to be handled by his team, as he had his servos full with trying to not get his optics scratched out.

"Starscream, what happened to Megatron?" he asked with a hint of worry, keeping the jet at a distance that prevented the effect of intimidation he intended for.

Starscream looked at him and blurted out:

"Fell into a coma after bad Energon he got as a gift from Tarn, it was way past expiry date."

Optimus leveled him with a look that clearly said 'I don't believe you', and was about to say the same, when a shot to his side started him. One of the Vehicons got away from the fray, risking gaining Prime's attention to rescue the flight commander.

Starscream took the opportunity at once, squirming away and calling out to the Nemesis under the cover fire from now three Vehicons.

"Soundwave, open the bridge, we have company!" snapped the seeker, and then, with a look of pleasant surprise on the faceplates, grinned.

"Well, if you think so, then I won't be a nay-sayer," was the clue for the bigger mech that instead of an escape, he would be now faced with an additional enemy, as swirling lights appeared with additional Vehicons…

And Soundwave.

The Decepticon TIC was carrying something in a container, but he set it down on the ground the moment the bridge blinked out, as he chose to stand tall, the entirety of the bot screaming 'challenge'.

This made matters significantly worse in Prime's opinion, but he had the best chance of surviving the encounter out of all of his team, which was fighting with more enemies than before - they would not be able to help out anyway. Optimus turned away from the seeker, expecting to be engaged by the blue mech and bracing for it.

A swipe of claws came out of nowhere and nearly connected with his side, right when the data cables raised to strike. His optics widened in aperture, as he realized his mistake - he would not be fighting the TIC.

He was going to be attacked by both Starscream and Soundwave at once.

He swore internally, as the fight began in earnest, as he tried to ignore the whispers of memory with regards to the Pits - and how Megatronus found the blue mech an impressive opponent of formidable skill.

If he listened to them, he would panic - and then for sure he would slip up and most likely die, if the angry field of the mech was any indication. The fact that Soundwave allowed those emotions to show was a warning he knew not to ignore; the intent to kill was present in every motion and he could not allow any of these to reach his spark or helm.

The data cables were trying to either trip him or trap him, with the way they kept on curling around his pedes, as he tried to cover his vitals from a combined strikes from his opponents. Prime was not used to the lethal skill of these two, as they were way faster and smaller than Megatron, making it harder to counter in time.

They worked well together, to his horror - whenever Starscream retreated to find a better angle of approach, the TIC would slide in, allowing not even a moment of rest. Optimus's processor was working overtime trying to keep up with the unfamiliar setting, frame growing warmer with the exhaustion; it was doing its best to survive the onslaught.

There was no time to think about winning, truly, as the combination was deadly: what the seeker lacked in strength, the communication officer would supply in spades; when Soundwave would lose the upper hand, Starscream interrupted with a vicious exploration of vulnerability, whatever it might have been.

Optimus was suddenly very grateful for having his usual enemy in Megatron, who was ruthless, but usually engaged him alone.

If these two tried to gang up on him before - or worse, had they managed to cooperate with Megatron as a third power - he would have been dead ages ago.

When Soundwave's servo nearly stabbed him through the chest armor, he finally caved in and sent out a distress call to the base. The most recent additions to his team, including the three SICs that were getting used to the odd dynamic on Earth, were all responding affirmative.

He was relieved when he noticed the portal shimmering into existence, while he strained against the cable that threatened to cut off his arm if he allowed it even a bit of leeway. The claws of the seeker already left gauges in his plating, but his major Energon lines were not compromised for now - he only hoped it would remain true long enough for the others to reach his position.

A familiar voice of Jazz reached his audials, and the seeker withdrew hissing in pain, as a shot caught his wing. Soundwave did not let go, but Prime noticed the calculating pause, as the Decepticon turned his visor to check the battlefield. The Vehicons were losing ground with unfamiliar enemies, and Optimus had taken the opportunity to free himself of the data cable, throwing it away to the side, creating distance between them; his vents were working overtime to cool him down, now that he had a moment of respite.

Starscream snarled in anger, but motioned to the TIC to fall back, and as a portal to Nemesis opened, he shot out a quick command to the rest of the army to withdraw. Cover fire allowed Vehicons to get back to safety, keeping Autobots at bay.

Soundwave pointed towards the box he carried over, and the seeker smiled with malice, gesturing to it as well.

"A farewell gift, Prime - or rather, a return to the owner in this case," Decepticon SIC gloated, laughing as they both disappeared into the portal.

There was a silence across the battlefield, as the Autobots turned to eye the container critically.

"So… everyone else is also in favor of burning this to the ground from a safe distance?" Elita asked, taking aim.

"No, I will check it out - do not approach it now, though" disagreed Optimus, stopping her with a raised servo. Her face twisted, but in the end she lowered her blaster, watching critically as their leader approached the container.

"If it explodes, I am going to tell him off for a week," she muttered to Jazz, who was watching the mech with concern.

"I will join you in that," he replied quietly, as Prime's digits brushed the top of the box.

He lifted it open and peered inside - and froze.

"What is it?" Arcee asked, taking a tentative step closer, but as the optics of Optimus met hers, she stopped as well.

Prime was pissed off.

"It's nothing of concern," he answered, taking another pained look at the contents of the box, letting it close shut. He took a glance at the sky, in-venting loudly, and consciously relaxed his frame, signaling an all-clear.

The Autobots approached him, and Bulkhead risked a look inside the container. He saw the ruined remains of another box in there, charred beyond any chance of salvaging.

Whatever was in the box was burned down too, leaving only traces of pieces that looked suspiciously like…

Bulkhead decided it was better to stop thinking about it. Jazz, who sneaked a peek also reached this conclusion, and they both shut the outer container with more force than necessary.

"Prime, I swear, if this was what I think it was…" he started, just as their leader was finishing his comm to Prowl at the base to open a bridge back for them. He shot out a quick request to Elita to blow the container up, which she gladly followed through on, sensing it was a more personal issue than he tried to make it look like.

"It doesn't matter any longer," countered Optimus, not looking at anyone in particular.

Mostly avoiding the direction where the container exploded into smithereens.

"It matters, if you are pulling the same slag again," argued Jazz, but his complaints fell onto deaf audials.

Prime already crossed over to the base.

When they arrived, the mech was glued to the console, pouring over the data at a rate faster than they could keep up with. Prowl was looking at him with worry, unsure how to deal with sudden takeover from where he spent the last few days compiling reports up to his own standards.

"Optimus, please, stop, talk to us," Elita asked, placing her hand on one of his shoulders, only to have it shaken off with a displeased sound.

"I have something to take care of, please, let me do it, Elita," he managed to reply in a more civil tone, optics fixed onto the screen as his fingers flew across the buttons.

"Just this once, you hear me? When you calm down, I expect us to have a long talk, are we clear?" she warned, deciding to let him work his frustration out with whatever mission he set himself on. She would take care of the rest in the meantime.

"Crystal," Prime promised slightly distractedly, as his processor turned the energy priority away from his senses and more towards the data. She sighed, and waved at the others to join her to go to the medbay, where both resident medics were waiting for them.

Optimus stood at the console, lost to the world aside from an occasional refueling for over eighty hours - with a breakthrough in his search occurring when others were recharging.

His joints creaked from lack of use, as he moved towards the ground bridge controls. Hastily typing in the coordinates, he set it for a quick turn on and shut off. After consideration, he put a tracker on himself, and prepared an emergency message on a timer; he would need to hurry, and retrieval would be necessary.

He doubted his team would let him do this again - or anything at all - when he returned, so he needed to make this count.

The bridge onto Nemesis opened, and Optimus crossed the threshold.

***********

Inspired by @paraxodicalundressing post, continued on this and this, follow up to the consequences of this.

[maraeffect]

google search: how to stop having horrifically traumatizing nightmares several times a week

[dog-girl-zezora]

..

[aquadracoa]

When I’m depressed I want cuddles, acts of service, and reminders that I’m important to people. When my partner is depressed those things make him feel worse. I don’t have any idea what to do.

[cheapcheapfaker]

Everything and everyone is always like “ask your doctor they’re happy to help” and every time i ask it feels like that one meme where they say “don’t worry kitten” and I’m just supposed to go “heheh ok yaaay! :3”

[piplupod]

thinking too hard about my situation and ending up with heart pounding and inability to breathe yayyyy

[britneyshakespeare]

I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A SPECIALIST IN TWO DAYS!!!!!!