#gonna have to change the account email to something more updated lmao

[faces-in-unexpected-places]

This place looks a bit different

So was anyone going to tell me that tumblr isn't dark blue anymore, or was I just supposed to find out about it like some kinda chump?

[drabbles-mc]

We’re Gonna See It Through

Bishop Losa x Reader

Based on the Title Prompt ask that @dorkofclanlavellan​​ sent me a little while back. I typed the summary that I would do and then I couldn’t stop thinking about it so...here it is lmao

Warnings: Language, angst, Bishop getting in his feelings

Word Count: 3.4k

A/N: I’m sorry to hurt our mans like this but sometimes that’s just how it is.

Bish Taglist: @masterlistforimagines​ @sincerelyasomebody​​ @sadeyesgf​​ @thesandbeneathmytoes​​ @tomhardydallasstarsgirl​​ @multiyfandomgirl40​​ @sillygoose6969​ (I know I have my taglists separated by character so if you’re on one and not another or if you just want me to put you on all of them let me know! Sorry if I’ve made it more confusing than necessary lol)

You were fast asleep by the time Bishop came home. You had given up on trying to stay up to wait for him. He was coming home later and later, and with everything falling apart at work, you were having to leave earlier than usual. It felt like for the past three weeks or so the two of you had hardly even seen or spoken to each other. Truthfully, you could use each other more than ever now but the two of you just couldn’t seem to time it right.

He walked into the house, quietly shutting the door behind him. He spotted a note on the counter, managing a small, exhausted smile as he read it, “Saved you some dinner in the fridge. Pop it in the microwave for 2 minutes. And, if your day was really bad, skip dinner and go right to dessert. Picked up a pint of your favorite Ben & Jerry’s and put it in the freezer. I love you. xo”

Despite all the shit that was going on with both of you, you were still trying to make things work as best you could. Bishop knew that, and he wished that he knew how to let you know that he could see that you were putting in effort and that he appreciated it. But he was in the same boat as you and felt like he hardly ever got to spend any time with you lately. Things had been crumbling with Galindo and the club and it was taking up more of his time than he would like. You had always been understanding of his commitment to the club, but even he knew that everyone’s understanding had its limitations.

He ate dinner, being mindful to stop the microwave before it beeped so that the noise wouldn’t wake you up. He also took a few spoonfuls of ice cream before going to shower off the shitshow that had been his day. When the two of you had first moved in, you had been bummed out that the bedroom didn’t have a bathroom attached. And, while Bishop knew that it would have been convenient, on nights like this he was glad that the bathroom was down the hall so he had less of a chance of disturbing you. He knew that you needed all the rest that you could get.

He quietly crept into the room after his shower, hanging up his towel and pulling on a clean t-shirt and pair of boxers before slowly crawling into bed beside you. He gently wrapped his arms around you and you subconsciously scooted back so that you were pressed against him, still fast asleep. He took a deep breath, soaking in your scent and the warmth emanating from your body that had been trapped under the blankets all night. Almost instantly his eyes drifted shut and he fell asleep.

You woke up early in the morning, your alarm not even beginning to awaken Bishop. You took a deep breath as you shut it off, enjoying the feeling of his arms around you for a moment before carefully removing yourself from them so that you could get ready for work.

You lingered in your bedroom doorway for a moment, watching Bishop sleep peacefully in the middle of the huge bed that the two of you shared. Your heart ached, wishing for everything to go back to normal. You rested your head against the doorframe, taking a deep breath to fight back the tears you could feel stinging at your eyes before finally making yourself leave for work.

Most of the morning had flown right by, but you were currently an hour deep into a conference call that was making you want to gnaw your own arm off. Your phone buzzed lightly on the surface of your desk and you checked to see who was texting you, happy to have a distraction for a minute. You opened it to see a text from Bishop.

“Sorry I missed you this morning, sweetheart. I love you”

You smiled despite the knot in your chest, “I love you too. Will I see you tonight?”

It seemed like the three bubbles were on the screen for an eternity before you finally got a response, “I hope so. I’ll let you know if I’m going to be late again”

You pressed your lips together, making the choice to not respond. There was nothing really for you to say at that point. You knew that you should bring your attention back to the call that you were on, but your head was completely clocked out of the office by this point. You found yourself scrolling back through your most recent texts with Bishop. About ninety percent of them were one of you apologizing to the other for running late, or missing plans, or not being able to wait up for the other because you were too tired. It felt like your throat was closing up as you bit back a sob. If this was going to be your future you weren’t sure that you wanted it. You loved Bishop but you couldn’t handle a lifetime of feeling alone.

You knew that you weren’t going to be able to handle staying in the office. You unmuted yourself on the call, “Hey guys, sorry to cut out so suddenly. Some family stuff just came up and I have to go. I should be back tomorrow. Just shoot me an email with whatever I miss,” you didn’t wait for a response before hanging up and grabbing your purse. You all but ran out of the office building to your car.

Once you were sitting in the driver’s seat, the tears began to flow. You sobbed into your hands as you tried to think about what you were even going to do now that you left the office. You waited until the tears slowed and your breathing went back to normal, and then decided that your first stop was going to be home. You needed to be in clothes that were more comfortable that what you had on.

When you pulled into the driveway, you were hoping that you’d see Bishop’s bike, but no such luck. He had already taken off for the day and it made your chest feel heavy. With a deep sigh you got out and walked into the house, looking around as you made your way to the bedroom. It all felt so much duller and emptier now and you hated that you felt that way about the place that was supposed to be your home. You knew that Bishop was gone because he was out on club business, and you didn’t want to be the partner that showed up at the clubhouse and dragged all your personal shit into the MC, but it was tempting. You just wanted to have a real conversation with him for the first time in weeks.

You decided that you would wait to see if he texted you with an update. If he said that it was going to be another late night, you’d go to the clubhouse. You had earned that. In the meantime, to try and keep your mind occupied, you decided that staying in the house wasn’t doing you any good at all. While you had spent a considerable amount of time alone lately, none of it was really “you time”. So you decided to try and make the afternoon all about you.

You grabbed yourself your favorite excessive coffee order from the café down the street, and took yourself shopping. Even if you didn’t end up buying anything, spending the afternoon trying on fun outfits was a welcome distraction. It felt nice to simply do something for yourself after feeling like all of your energy lately was being spent on everyone else and no one else was bothering to return the favor.

You were changing into what felt like your hundredth outfit of the day, and for the first time in a while you felt happy. It felt nice to be taking some time for yourself despite the circumstances that landed you there in the first place. You slipped into a cocktail dress that had caught your eye while you were wandering through the store. It wasn’t a dress that you would necessarily have a lot of occasions to wear it, but something about it told you to try it on anyway.

It felt nice, and looked even better. After zipping up the back, you took a moment to look at yourself in the mirror and you felt a smile creep across your face. It wasn’t anything overly fancy, but that was part of what drew you to it in the first place. The dress was a deep burgundy color and it was short, but you knew that Bishop always loved seeing you in short-shorts and mini-skirts anyway. It clung nicely to your body but it wasn’t suffocating you. it had long sheer sleeves that made you feel a little elegant, too. You smiled as you grabbed your phone out of your purse and took a selfie to send to Bishop.

“For our next date night?” was all you said along with the photo.

The response came before you could even set your phone back into your purse, “Absolutely. Please tell me you’re buying that”

You smiled, shaking your head slightly as you responded, “Guess you’ll have to take me on a date and find out for yourself”

You bought the dress, along with a few other cute items that had caught your eye. You didn’t want to go overboard, knowing that retail therapy had hurt your bank account on more than one occasion. You found a place to eat lunch and gave yourself time to sit, relax, and people-watch. The afternoon ticked by and you still hadn’t heard anything from Bishop. You were hoping that no news was good news and maybe he’d make it home at a decent hour for once. You could only hope. You could only distract yourself and stay away from home for so long before you had to head back.

You were parked in the driveway, staring at the home you supposedly shared with Bishop, not that either of you were there all that much these days, let alone there together. All the lights were off and you didn’t want to get out of the car. You took a deep breath and reached to unbuckle your seatbelt when your phone started to ring.

It was Bishop’s name flashing across the screen, and you almost didn’t want to pick up. You sighed, hitting the green button, “Hey, baby,” your voice was soft, hopeful, “everything okay?”

There was a pause, “Um, yea. Everything’s okay. I just, it’s going to be another late one. I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

You took a deep breath, “Okay. Thanks for the heads-up.”

He could hear the detachment in your voice, “I’ll make this up to you, sweetheart, I promise. I know things have been off lately.”

“It’s alright. Take care of the club. Get home safe.”

“I love you,” his tone conveyed that he was saying it because he meant it, but also to see if you were going to say it back.

You were trying not to let your voice crack, “I love you too,” you hung up before he would be able to hear you crying.

You cried it out in the car for a few minutes. Part of you knew that it was going to happen, but another part was still hopeful that maybe things were going to be okay, that if you tried to put it out into the universe, it would happen. But there was no amount of positive thinking that could change the reality of the circumstances you were in.

After taking a few deep breaths, you turned the car back on and pulled out of the driveway to head to the clubhouse. You weren’t going to cause a scene, but you were going to have a face-to-face conversation with Bishop. This all had to stop—you couldn’t feel lonely indefinitely. You loved him but you knew that you both deserved better than that.

You walked into the clubhouse and it was all silent. There was no one around save for EZ standing behind the bar. His eyes grew wide when he saw you—he could see that your eyes were puffy from crying. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to you or offer you. You sniffled slightly, trying to gain enough composure to talk to him without breaking down.

“Bishop around?”

He nodded towards the back room, “They’re all in Templo. It might be a while. Do you…do you want me to get him?”

You could see the anxiety on his face at the thought of interrupting Templo. You gave him a small smile and shook your head, “Not necessary, EZ. Thank you, though. When they come out, can you just let him know that I’m outside waiting for him?”

He nodded, “Of course. Do you want a beer or anything?”

You thought about it for a moment before nodding and walking over, gratefully accepting the bottle that he handed you, “Thank you.”

You strolled out of the clubhouse and onto the small deck. You took a seat on top of the picnic table, your feet resting on the bench. The sun was just starting to go down and the sky above the compound was lit up in a million different colors. You quickly wiped the tears off of your face before taking another swig from your bottle.

You dug around in your purse and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. You really weren’t much of a smoker, just when you were stressed. Suffice to say that for the past weeks you had been smoking a lot more than normal. You lit it and inhaled, holding it for a moment before exhaling the smoke and watching it swirl and dissipate around you.

Time seemed irrelevant as you sat on the table. You didn’t look at your phone, didn’t really try to keep yourself busy with anything besides nursing your beer and smoking your cigarette. When both of those were done you didn’t get another, just letting yourself stew with your thoughts as you waited for Bishop to finally have a moment for you.

The sun had long since set by the time you heard footsteps on the deck behind you. He didn’t say anything at first as he sat down next to you, his leg pressing lightly against yours. He rested his hand on your thigh and you almost broke down.

“Everything alright?” he asked the question despite knowing the answer.

A humorless laugh came out of you as you wiped tears off of your cheeks, “That seems like a pointless question at this point, doesn’t it?” you dropped your face into your hands, taking a shaky breath before forcing out the question, “What are we even doing anymore, Obispo? I just, I feel like we aren’t even really together anymore.”

“I know it’s been difficult lately but—”

“You realize this is the first face-to-face conversation I’ve had with you in over a week?” you shook your head, “And I had to come down here and sit out on this fucking deck for god knows how long just to get some time with you. I can’t…I think about the rest of my life and I just, I can’t,” a sob broke your sentence, “Forever is a long time to feel like this, Obispo.”

“It won’t be like this forever, though, Y/N.”

“How can you be so sure? I, I know that I’ve been keeping my opinions to myself because the club is your thing and it’s really not any of my business, but fuck, I feel like I’ve lost you. You know, I looked back through our texts today. And with the exception of a very small handful, all of them were apologies. They were all apologies and cancelled plans and just,” you tried to take a breath to calm your voice, “I can’t keep doing this. I know the club is a priority and I respect that. I respect it enough to not try and make you choose. This,” you gestured to the clubhouse, “is where you need to be. And that’s…fine. But I can’t stay in that fucking house alone all the time.”

“You think that I don’t want to be there with you?” he was never one to get loud with you, but his tone was frigid, “You think that I’ve liked having to be away from you so much these past few weeks? I’m not enjoying the bullshit that I’ve been having to deal with.”

“I’m not saying that you do. But there’s always going to be bullshit, isn’t there? We’re both always going to have bullshit going on. But it looks different for you than it does for me. Most of the time I can drop most of mine at the door, but you don’t even get to make it to the door. We can’t even try to be there for each other when all of this is happening and that’s just not fair to either of us. We shouldn’t feel so alone when things are falling apart.”

“I’m sorry that you’ve felt alone.”

“You haven’t?”

The question made him pause. His concern was always trying to be there for you, and he knew that he hadn’t been. But he could feel that you were always trying to be there for him despite his absence. He sighed shaking his head, “No, I haven’t. And it’s on me that you’ve been feeling that way. I’m sorry that I haven’t been there for you the way that you have been for me,” he gave your leg a light squeeze, “But you can’t leave, please.”

“What do you want from me, Obispo?”

“A little more time,” there were tears in his eyes and it hit you that you had never seen him cry until this moment, “Please, Y/N, just give me a little more time. I know that this has all been hard on you, and that I’ve been far away from you in every sense. But I can do better—I will do better. I just, I need you to give me the chance to prove it,” he nodded slightly as he wiped tears away before they fell down his cheeks, “We can get through this.”

“How?” it felt like it took all of your strength to say one word.

“Together, the way we always do. You’re right, forever is a long time. It’s a very long time to be without you and I can’t see my life being that way. We can figure this out. We promised that we’d be there for each other no matter what and that’s exactly what we’re going to do. I’m a man of my word, or at least, I try to be. We’re gonna see it through, Y/N. We’re going to figure this out.”

Despite how hard it was for you to say everything that you had said to him, you had to admit that your heart felt a little lighter solely from being able to actually see him and talk to him. You were still hurting, but you wanted to believe that he meant what he had said and that the two of you were going to work on things going forward.

“I want to believe you,” you looked down and interlocked your fingers with his.

“Please. If we end up having to have this conversation again, I won’t ask you to stay. But please, give me a chance. We can get through this.”

You took your hand from his and held out your pinky, “Promise?”

He smiled, nodding as he locked his pinky with yours, “Promise.”

He pulled you into a tight hug as you cried into his chest. The weight of the last three weeks poured out of you as he held you. he pressed gentle kisses into the top of your head and rubbed your back, knowing that this is what you’d been needing all along that he hadn’t been there for. He told you over and over again that he loved you, and that it was going to be okay. And, despite the weight in your chest, you believed him.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered as you wrapped your arms around him, “I promise.”

[omoi-no-hoka]

What have you found you need to be very careful with when translating narrative texts? When I write in different languages there are of course different nuances and ways to express thoughts, but I wondered if there was anything that showed up often in your line of work, esp since for me at least thinking in Jap takes viewing things in a very different light.

Hi! Thank you for your ask!

This is a very interesting topic. I’m a self-taught translator, in that I have no formal training. I was just hired because I could do both English and Japanese haha. So my opinions perhaps aren’t as informed or correct as someone who has actually received formal translation training/certification.

I often have to translate rather difficult business negotiations or explanations about issues that arise, and what I most commonly struggle with is not so much a difficulty with nuance, but with the fundamental sociolinguistic differences in relaying information in Japanese and English.

Japanese communication in general is much more vague than English. At the sentence level, we see subjects or objects or tenses omitted. At the topic level, we can see what an English-speaker would deem “essential information” omitted, such as the start date of an event, or the cause of an event, etc. 

The sentence-level omissions are just the way Japanese works and I can’t explain that. But the topic-level ones... This is just my personal opinion not backed by research, but I believe that in Japanese culture, there is a certain safety in vagaries. You can’t be held accountable for not meeting a deadline if you do not state an ETA, for example. The person hearing this vague explanation will no doubt have questions, but will often be hesitant to ask them because they understand the safety of vagaries as well, and also do not want to come across as rude by questioning them. There is a trust in both parties that they are acting in good faith.

So let’s go through a hypothetical scenario that can happen at my job and see it in action.

👆 mfw i am having a good day and it’s 5:59 and I’m thinking I get to home on time for once but then everything catches fire and they all go 「Omoi-no-hoka様、とても申し訳ないですが、、、」(Sidenote: Everyone just calls me Omoi-no-hoka-san, but when they know they’re asking a big favor I’m not gonna like, they put -sama on in an attempt to appease the beast lmao.)

Let’s say that an issue suddenly arises. No one can access any of the Microsoft Suite apps so no one can get any work done. This is a major issue that must be relayed to our client immediately. 

Here’s the example Japanese I’ll receive that I need to translate into English. Sorry if my Japanese isn’t perfect. 

クライアント様、

お世話になっております。田中でございます。

早速ですが、ただいま弊社のO365が急にアクセスできなくなりまして、それによっていくつかの営業に直接関連するタスクができかねる状況になっております。

迅速にこちらの問題を解決するように努力しております。

進捗がある次第またご連絡差し上げます。

取り急ぎでございますが、よろしくお願いいたします。

Now here would be my direct translation of this email:

Client-san, (most clients working with Japanese people know about -san but not about -sama, so I change it to -san.)

Hello. This is Tanaka. 

I am sorry to report that we have lost access to our Office suite suddenly and this is preventing us from completing various tasks that directly impact operations. 

We are working as quickly as possible to resolve this issue.

We will inform you when we have updates.

Kind regards,

If our American client were to read an incident report that vague, they would immediately fire back 30 different questions. When did the issue start? What tasks can you not complete? How are operations being impacted? What is being done to resolve the issue? Has the cause been determined? What is the estimated time until restoration? Who is to blame for this?

Therefore, when I receive a translation request like the Japanese above, I will go back to the person who wrote it and tell them that they need to provide additional information. We need to anticipate the client’s questions and give them what they need to know from the first report. 

The problem isn’t that the Japanese person is bad at explaining things; it’s just that the conventions of Japanese and English communication are different. 

Different Nuances Regarding Requests/Imperatives

There are also some sentence conventions, particularly with making requests, that have very different nuances in English and Japanese.

Japanese is sort of famous for being roundabout to the point of being unclear, whereas English is very straight to the point.

However, surprisingly, it is the exact opposite when asking someone to do something.

In Japanese, it is common to say “Please  ____.” or “We ask that you please _____.”

However, this is rather direct to an English-speaker’s ear. The more polite English becomes, the less of an imperative it becomes and the more of a request it becomes. “Would you please  ____?” or “Would you be so kind as to ____?” We phrase these “imperatives” as questions.

For this reason, many times I will take the “Please ___” I see in Japanese and change it into the above question-style imperative. This is something I often give feedback on to my coworkers who use Google translate when they don’t want to bother me because it does make quite a difference in nuance.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

What I’ve Been Reading #2

Hey People of Earth!

I recently started a new series on this blog (titled above), where I reflect on the last few books I’ve read. I’m doing this mostly to keep myself accountable because I’m notoriously bad at committing myself to reading. So far, reading has been far greater than it’s been in the past--I’m definitely getting into the rhythm of things. I read some amaaaazing books this time around (since approx. November), and these are them:

1. The Darkest Legacy by Alexandra Bracken

This is book four in The Darkest Minds series, and was just recently released (last summer). Whilst I’ve drifted from YA in the last few years, this series was such a huge favourite of mine when I was younger, and I thought I’d give this book a go for nostalgia’s sake. Also, I truly admire Alex as an author, and wanted to support her! Here’s the summary:

Five years after the destruction of the so-called rehabilitation camps that imprisoned her and countless other Psi kids, seventeen-year-old Suzume "Zu" Kimura has assumed the role of spokesperson for the interim government, fighting for the rights of Psi kids against a growing tide of misinformation and prejudice. But when she is accused of committing a horrifying act, she is forced to go on the run once more in order to stay alive. Determined to clear her name, Zu finds herself in an uncomfortable alliance with Roman and Priyanka, two mysterious Psi who could either help her prove her innocence or betray her before she gets the chance. But as they travel in search of safety and answers, and Zu grows closer to the people she knows she shouldn't trust, they uncover even darker things roiling beneath the veneer of the country's recovery. With her future-and the future of all Psi-on the line, Zu must use her powerful voice to fight back against forces that seek to drive the Psi into the shadows and save the friends who were once her protectors.

What drew me to it: Like I mentioned, its mother series was a mega favourite of mine in grade 8, and whilst I’ve grown out of YA, I was curious to see where the story went, five years in the future. I read about 60% of it on page, and listened to the rest on and of over the course of a few months. I started it in August, and finished it on New Year’s Eve. Not the fault of the book, that’s totally me being Very Bad at commitment. I’ve really enjoyed Alex’s novels in audiobook format, and this one was no exception (I think, if I were to read it again, I’d listen to the audiobook: it’s like listening to a television show!)

My rating: 3/5

Why: This is really due to the fact that I no longer am very interested in YA. In all truths, I got into YA early, and got out of it even earlier because apparently I am a sixty year old woman?? I started my journey with YA in grade seven, and it ended around the end of grade eight. After that, I had trouble finding YA books I could enjoy/relate to, not that the books were any less, or bad because of this, but because I was just an injustice to them (I’ve always been a strange reader). This is why I don’t really read YA anymore because I feel like I rate them unfairly because I’m not super big on the category anymore. It just (rightfully) didn’t give me what I’m most currently interested in in books (horrible people; horrible relationships; morally grey protagonists), because of course the category is different to what I read now! With that said, I think, if I’d read this book in my Peak YA Moment (grade 7-8), I’d definitely have given it a 5 star rating. It was super entertaining and funny and nostalgic, and made me miss a series so pivotal in my writing journey. If you love YA, and this series, I think this book is definitely worth the read! That was a thiccccc tangent. 

2. Past Lives, Future Bodies by Kristin Chang

This is a really quick poetry collection (that I spoiler: looooved). This is the summary:

PAST LIVES, FUTURE BODIES is a knife-sharp and nimble examination of migration, motherhood, and the malignant legacies of racism. In this collection, family forms both a unit of survival and a framework for history, agency, and recovery. Chang undertakes a visceral exploration of the historical and unfolding paths of lineage and what it means to haunt body and country. These poems traverse not only the circularity of trauma but the promise of regeneration—what grows from violence and hatches from healing—as Chang embodies each of her ghosts and invites the specter to speak. 

What drew me to it: @shaelinwrites rec’d it to me on my last update, and I fell in love with the premise. I’m *cheap* so was very excited to be gifted it by my Grandma for Christmas. (I actually read it on Christmas!)

My rating: 5/5

Why: Kristin Chang is literally so skilled with her use of the line break? I was shook? This is my second collection of poetry that I’ve read, following (no shade) Rupi Kaur’s The Sun and Her Flowers, which, I felt kinda made the line break feel gimmicky? So this collection definitely reinvented it for me. Her poems are so punchy, and thoughtful, and you can truly feel the experience built into the backbone of every one of them. When I panic wrote some poetry for my writing class, I used it as comfort reference and was amazed at how deliberate she is with her words. I also found so much of its commentary on race so relatable. It’s definitely a collection I’ll keep re-reading. I’d recommend this if, like me, you’re just starting out in poetry--a perfect way to acclimate yourself to a new form!

3. God of Shadows by Lorna Crozier

*Rachel vigorously trying to diversify her reading.* The summary:

The poet Lorna Crozier has always been brilliant at fusing the ordinary with the other-worldly in strange and surprising ways. Now the Governor General's Literary Award-winning author of Inventing the Hawk returns with God of Shadows, a wryly wise book that offers a polytheistic gallery of the gods we never knew existed and didn't know we needed. To read these poems is to be ready to offer your own prayers to the god of shadows, the god of quirks, and the god of vacant houses. Sing new votive hymns to the gods of horses, birds, cats, rats, and insects. And give thanks at the altars of the gods of doubt, guilt, and forgetting. What life-affirming questions have these deities come to ask? Perhaps it is simply this: How can poems be at once so profound, original and lively, and also so much fun?

What drew me to it: At this point I’m just stalking @shaelinwrites​’ Goodreads because her reading taste is on pointttt. I’ve also been dying to read more poetry, and branch out into different forms of writing, so I can be a little *prepared* for school, so I thought I’d take a peek at this collection. 

My rating: 5/5

Why: This collection is so beautiful! I read it super quickly, and fell in love with the concept immediately. I think Crozier explored such unique ideas with super unique language, and I live for it. This collection gave me perspective on ‘gods’ I’d never even thought about. I’d definitely recommend it if you’re looking into reading some prose poetry!

4. The Immortalists by Chloe Benjamin

I finished this book today, and now have trust issues and feel like I’m in a constant state of wanting to cry. Here’s the summary:

If you knew the date of your death, how would you live your life?

It's 1969 in New York City's Lower East Side, and word has spread of the arrival of a mystical woman, a traveling psychic who claims to be able to tell anyone the day they will die. The Gold children—four adolescents on the cusp of self-awareness—sneak out to hear their fortunes.

The prophecies inform their next five decades. Golden-boy Simon escapes to the West Coast, searching for love in '80s San Francisco; dreamy Klara becomes a Las Vegas magician, obsessed with blurring reality and fantasy; eldest son Daniel seeks security as an army doctor post-9/11; and bookish Varya throws herself into longevity research, where she tests the boundary between science and immortality.

A sweeping novel of remarkable ambition and depth, The Immortalists probes the line between destiny and choice, reality and illusion, this world and the next. It is a deeply moving testament to the power of story, the nature of belief, and the unrelenting pull of familial bonds.

What drew me to it: I actually don’t know?? I put it on hold at my library in October, and was loaned it in January (looooong waitlist). So I can’t remember why I wanted to read it, probably because 1969 was in the premise lmao. I actually completely forgot about placing a hold on it because it’d been two months, so by the time I got the email notification, I’d forgotten what it was about. Oftentimes, I’m Bad, and leave my loans for weeks, forgetting about them, but I was intrigued by seeing I’d received this loan because I couldn’t remember placing it/why I placed it. I quickly re-read the summary, and immediately started reading because it reminded me a lot of the Haunting of Hill House sibling dynamic, and I was on board!

My rating: 5/5 stars soaked in all my tears

Why: This book is SO good, I literally can’t think about it too much because I will cry, lol. I’m not one to get emotional over books, but this book touched me in a place I didn’t know existed?? Like I didn’t know I had emotions before reading this book?? Apparently I do?? It also left me feeling stunned with a whole bucket of life lessons, and similarly to getting emotional, I’m not a reader to really take away a whole new worldview after reading something, but this book was like NOPE, here’s some THOUGHTS. I think I might’ve loved it so much because the four siblings it follows remind me a lot of my siblings (tag yourself I’m Klara, @sarahkelsiwrites is Varya). I too am a sibling of four with a similar composition to the novel’s (two boys, two girls), so the actual heartbreak of realizing that one day, there ain’t always gonna be four of us struck me so hard I was not prepared?? The characters are BEAUTIFUL, and my heart aches so much after finishing this, I almost don’t know what to do with myself... If you liked the sibling dynamic in the Haunting of Hill House (me!!), you’ll probably dig this book. Benjamin’s writing is also gorgeous; straightforward, but so detailed and lush at the same time. I don’t often see books in third present, so this was a delight for me to read. Also: I’m no expert on any of the topics in this book, but to me, a Fool, this book felt so well researched? This isn’t something I ever notice in books, but it surprisingly really added to the reading experience. 

TL;DR: I’m literally an emotional wreck because of this book and have a whole new perspective on life, if you too want to be an emotional wreck, defs join in on the fUN.

So that’s it for this reading update! All of these books in this update were wonderful! Making me antsy to read more for sure! I’m currently attempting to read more short story collections, so if anyone has recs, hit me up! ‘Scuse me while I go sob!

--Rachel

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

10-16 with Jeremy?

heck yeah gonna throw this under a readmore tho

10. what their most treasured possession is

i wrote this lil fic like... on my old account where jeremy had a magic kit when he was a kid and tbh? i could see that being his most treasured possession! his dad bought it for him and he would put on lil magic shows for his parents and for michael. it just reminds him of happier and simpler times.

11. what sort of tv shows/movies they’d enjoy

jeremy 100% watched stuff like doctor who and star trek with michael and his parents. jerm’s mom was a fuckin huge trekkie and his dad loves star wars so i can imagine jeremy being big into both due to the family ties they have!

but in general, i see jeremy being huge into sci-fi shit, as well as like... some comedic stuff, like b99. he and christine 100% watch b99 together imo

he 100% has a secret love of cheesy romcoms that he shares w christine and rich. they have their own lil movie nights at christine’s house and its nice

12. what sort of video games they’d enjoy

all. 

but honestly, i could see jeremy being big into stuff like resident evil or any of the telltale games (especially tales from the borderlands, which... i have been playing recently lmao), or uhhh the fallout series maybe? 

other than that, the stereotypical pokemon-zelda-mario stuff. he 100% used to play sonic a lot as a kid but he doesn’t really play the newer stuff. owns a copy of sonic boom completely because michael bought it for him as a joke and they both laugh over how dumb it is. it’s good times.

13. what they carry in their bag/pockets

in his pockets:

his wallet

keys (just his house key, which has a fucking ton of keychains so he doesnt feel that bad abt not having a car) 

spare change, a couple receipts bc he forgets to throw them away

a packet of chewing gum thats starting to fall apart (just the box for it) (also: most often trident, either bubblegum flavor or pineapple twist)

and his cell phone

14. what they were like as a kid

jeremy wasn’t really an antisocial child imo. like, around adults? yeah, he’d clam up a little bit - not enough that he’d be completely silent, but he’d be a little bit more likely to stick to his parents if he was uncomfortable enough

i could also see jeremy being pretty well-behaved, mainly bc his parents were always really fuckin keen on him having manners. sure, he’d act out from time to time - but... primarily bc it’d give him some attention from his parents whenever he felt like they’d forgotten about him (which was rare, but he was a kid)

other than that, jeremy was a extremely active kid? always a little taller than most kids, always looking like the scrawny kid he is, but he fucking lived for recess when he was in elementary school. fuckin loved to play kickball. 

also: magician boy. loved the pizzazz of everything. 100% wanted a white rabbit for a couple years - never got one, since he was a kid and they didn’t trust him to take care of a rabbit yet, and eventually he settled for a plush white rabbit. 

15. what their family is like (+ their relationships w their family)

jeremy’s family is... sorta boring, in his opinion - and thats going beyond his parents.

his relationship with his dad was really, really good before the divorce. he was always close to his parents growing up, and then when things started to get messy as his parents argued a bit over what they wanted - eventually that dying down to civil conversation of maybe they should actually get a divorce, but what about jeremy, but this is what’s best - he started to sorta withdraw back into himself. post-squipcident, he’s trying. he and his dad are sorta just... trying to bring their relationship back to what it was, or make it better.

his mom was a divorce attorney, like she is in the book. i can see jeremy being very much of a mama’s boy - and, honestly, if it weren’t for her plans (and if jeremy didn’t have a life in metuchen, like his friendship with michael and a lot of shit at middleborough), i think jeremy could have ended up living with her? i can see his mom moving to some big city tbh. their relationship is a little strained as well, but i can see jeremy finally responding to her texts/email/letters/whathaveyou with a phone call and asking if they could talk or something - post-squipcident, of course. she’s actually dating again and she’s been wanting jeremy to come visit her and meet her boyfriend. he wants to go, but... at the same time, he’s kinda worried about leaving his dad again.

his dad has a brother! he sorta helped jeremy and his dad when jeremys mom left. he lives in edison, nj. tbh he probably visits jeremy and his dad often, and he’s just a jolly dude. jeremy’s really fond of him - they’ve always gotten along. then again, his uncle is a big fucking robotics nerd and he keeps talking to jeremy about getting into that shit with michael, since his school does have a robotics club. jeremy’s actually considering it.

on his dad’s side, jeremy’s pretty close to his grandmother and was sorta close with his grandfather before he passed. he doesn’t get to see her as often as he’d like, since she doesn’t live in metuchen or anywhere close, but she makes some fucking killer pies and jeremy loves visiting her. she’s like... stereotypical sweet granny. 

on his mom’s side, her parents absolutely adore jeremy? it’s only really one-sided, since jeremy sorta doesn’t talk to them since the divorce - but they love to basically pester his dad (which results in them getting jeremy to talk to them) and find out everything jeremy’s been up to. 

his mother is probs the second oldest. i can see her having an older brother and a younger sister. i genuinely cant remember where book-jeremy got the beanie babies from to sell to get the squip, so uhhh i’ll probs update this later w more info haha once i find my copy of the pdf lmao

16. what their phone is like (case, apps, ect!)

jeremy spent fucking years with an iphone 5c (and im slightly projecting here, since i had a 5c until it stopped working :/) that had an black otterbox case. the screen is a little cracked, but nothing bad - phone still works great and the cracks arent too in the way.

as for apps, most of his apps are probably games that he found. just stuff to entertain him whenever he’s particularly bored. cookie run (which he fuckin tries to beat michael at but michael is Too Good and jeremy has the worst timing sometimes so he runs into shit all the time), he still has flappy bird on his phone and protects that app with his life. it shall never leave.

other than that, he probably has like... facebook and instagram, both of which he barely uses, and snapchat - mainly so he can bother michael with dumb snaps.

thank u anon ily im gonna go back to playing life is strange now

[prophecydungeon]

on leaving comments on AO3, on replying to comments on AO3, and on.... something super very strange that happened to me a little bit ago.

(i will get the things that don’t require a content warning out of the way first, then i’ll warn for uh. the super very strange thing that happened. feel free to stop reading there!)

i saw a post floating around a while ago to the effect of, like, we all know that receiving comments on works feels great, but it’s also important to reply to comments because it feels really disheartening as a reader to be leaving comments on something as it updates and yet.... never get anything back from the author. 

of course, on one hand, we all know that people get swamped, or just plain forget, or something gets super lost in a high-traffic work -- and i am super incredibly guilty of not replying to comments on uhhh a number of things i have on AO3. mostly because there are certain Things that have such a high volume of comments i just. can’t. but i started really, really trying to reply to comments lately, and it feels super good. it feels great to thank people for enjoying something i’ve written! and it feels good to know i’ve made a tiny thread of something nice between a stranger and me. and on the flip side, it feels great to get a comment replied to by an author, even if it’s just a quick “thanks!”

and in the past year or so i found myself reading a lot of wips, and unpopular opinion and all but i really enjoy reading wips. and a part of that is that it’s really... satisfying, i guess? to leave comments for a person on each chapter, to tell them how excited i am and what i liked and all that jazz. it just Feels Good Man to comment on fic.

and so. people who follow me on AO3 are uh. Aware(tm) probably that im publishing a multi-chapter thing right now and i’m. sorry for bringing this content upon you in the year of our lord 2017 lmao but anyways -- not counting S11 au since that doesn’t count, this is the first multi-chapter thing i’ve published in chapters for so long (since 2012 i think, which like. wow) and getting comments as i go has been so unbelievably encouraging and it feels so good. i’ve gotten a large number of comments this past chapter especially, and i’m hoping i see some of these people back for the next one so that i can thank them again for reading.

though on that note -- content warning for homophobia, harrassment

after i published the first chapter of this thing, i got an email notif from AO3 for what would be my first comment. to say that i was shocked that i received some bona fide fucking straight up Homophobia, capital aytch, would be an understatement. this person used the f-slur and told me to go Take an Action and called me a number of other choice words, etc. and it was.... really unsettling, mostly because i was faced with my privilege. i’m very, very lucky to not encounter this kind of behavior or attitude in my fandom spaces, at all. if there’s homophobia in the spaces i interact with, it’s the underhanded TERF/REG bullshit like transphobia, aphobia, biphobia, and not... this. i almost forgot that this attitude existed Out There, because i’m so used to the internet -- i.e., the people and spaces i interact with regularly and even semi-regularly -- being, well, chill. and that being my norm is a privileged position to be in.

i’ve got pretty thick skin when it comes to this kind of thing and it didn’t really bother me that someone said these things to me, but it fucking. really bothered me that someone reading my work, tagged with fluff and happy ending and unambiguously positive, would see something this fucking vile upon scrolling down. i deleted the comment immediately and set the work to moderated comments + comments only from users who are logged in. all i could think at the time was just like, god, i really hope that someone with less thick skin than me didn’t have to read that.

though what really got me :T about this is that i’m following another wip fic in this same tag that also went from standard comment settings to moderated comments between the first chapter and the second, and i’d bet money that author also got something like this in their comments, which is. upsetting. 

and to bring this back around to replying to comments, i was thinking about that “authors should reply to comments” post because the aforementioned wip fic is one that i’ve not gotten any comment replies from, and i’ve been feeling discouraged from commenting further on chapters (though, it should be noted, this was even before i got the gross comment and realized why this author might be moderating comments).

and, when i posted the second chapter of my fic, with moderated comments, i got.... i think two comments from people in the span of a week? which, shit, for a tag this relatively dead on AO3, that was a huge surprise for me, but i still wondered whether just seeing the “comments on this work are moderated” is something that keeps people away from commenting. 

on saturday i posted another chapter, and this time i changed the comments settings off of moderated, but still requiring users to log in (the gross commenter had no account), and since saturday i’ve gotten SIX fucking comments. i have no idea if there’s any correlation or if i just posted something at the right time or what but uh, color me fucking shocked.

in any case, it’s kind of funny to think about what kind of role comments play in fic/fandom culture and all, and how much a site’s settings can make someone feel more or less welcome to leave comments, and how much an author’s responses or lack thereof can make someone feel more or less welcome to leave comments. i think i was gonna go somewhere More with this but i’m about ready to draw some more and then conk out. if u lasted this long ty for reading

[simplerperfectionist]

Day 1

Today is the first day of an extended social media break which I have chosen to embark on in an attempt to break my addiction, foster my relationship with myself, develop and deepen my focus, clarify my own intellectual and artistic voice, and hopefully vanquish that little goblin that sits in my head and watches me all the time from the projected viewpoint of others. You know that Atwood quote about every woman being a man inside a woman watching herself? I feel like that all the time. She’s nodding to the way in which the internal voyeur is used as a weapon of the patriarchy to get women to subject themselves, and I do feel that in a gendered way sometimes but I also experience it in a more general way, that whatever various audiences I perceive myself to have live constantly inside my head and I am performing for them at all times, even in my thought exercises. Which I suppose is because those audiences only exist within my head. Yes, there are people that follow me on various platforms or friends who consume my #content, but the panel of people that I feel are always watching me and measuring me are simply my own inner critics projected out through these platforms onto the vague digital presences of my friends and acquaintances and a smattering of strangers. Anyway, all of that is to say that my overuse of digitized self publicity has been making me feel like a madwoman and has been actively rewiring the way that my thoughts form and unnecessarily activating my stress responses for, well, honestly probably for years, but most notably for the past year or two. 

Lately one of my favorite fantasies is to acquire whatever sum of spare money it will cost me to hire a tech nerd to scour the internet for all of the profiles and accounts and email lists that I have long since forgotten and abandoned which they/I/we can then scrub, delete, and bury. I feel like none of us listened when people were like “whatever you put on the internet exists forever.” I shouldn’t speak for other people. I never listened. It didn’t feel like a big deal! I was a kid and I wanted to know things, and express myself, and keep up with my friends. I didn’t know that it would one day rather haunt me to feel relics of my earlier selves floating about in the ether, available to anyone even remotely more computer savvy than myself. Anyway THAT’S a fun paranoia I generally avoid thinking about for longer than 30 seconds at a time. In truth, I don’t think it matters that much. I mean I can pretty easily freak myself out about it if I think about like A.I. or like dystopian government conspiracies or even the possibility that I could ever end up being someone in a position of notable influence that might motivate people to fuck with me... BUT if I avoid those dark rabbit holes, it really doesn’t matter. What are people gonna do with my old 8tracks playlists? With an etsy shop I forgot about? They’re ghosts of my former selves and dried out seeds of old timeline potentials. Lol. 

God, I shouldn’t have mentioned A.I. because now I’m stuck thinking about how you cannot confirm the interiority of anyone at all in the world save for yourself and subsequently I truly could be the only human being in a world of A.I. and I wouldn’t know. A fun secret is that I have become a truly deeply paranoid person over the past several years and sometimes I freak even myself out with how unhinged I can sound, but I generally handle it pretty well and surrender myself to the knowledge that I don’t know much about the nature of reality, nor do I need to, and whatever thoughts I run with are simply thoughts and are quite harmless. If you’re reading this please do not involuntarily commit me lmao. 

Okay the irony of documenting this journey digitally online, specifically on a social media platform, and writing to a nonexistent but theoretically eventually existent audience is NOT lost on me. There’s something comforting about it though. Honestly, I’ve always thought that about writing on tumblr. I used to have a locked blog that was a digital diary of sorts though I believe I’ve since deleted it. There’s something about the blue background I feel like. It’s like writing a letter and sending it out to sea. I guess it’s also the anonymity of the platform. I know a few users on here, but generally I know nothing save that there are other users and I know some of their interests. This feels like a way to be seen without being seen at all. Like talking to the stars at night. Anyway I suppose I could write in my journal instead, but I like the act of typing, and I do have a vague sense that I may someday share this. Also I do think this is helping to ease the withdrawal from the public platforms, which is actually probably the only reason I’m using it.  

Enough musings, here’s the nitty gritty of the update: I've deleted Instagram and Twitter from my phone. I don't remember my logins for them so it's a fairly effective barrier in that there are a variety of steps I would need to go through in order to get back on. Twitter auto logged out on my laptop so there's a similar barrier there. I've yet to log out of insta on my laptop but I suppose I should do that as well. I've rearranged the apps on my phone and I suspect I will another 8 or so times as my relationship to the device changes. I desperately want to throw it away and get something simpler, but I’m still too tied to it at the moment. I really want to be free of it. I hate my stupid phone. I want to not feel like I’ll die without it, like I’ll start living on another planet. Honestly? I probably will! And that would be good for me. But I can’t shake the feeling that something bad would happen if I did, that if I stopped looking at everything happening out in the “world,” if I stopped observing what all of these people I’ve labeled as friends are doing, then I, what? Would lose touch with reality? Would become too different from them? Might dare to be happy in this chaotic time on earth? 

I actually know exactly what unplugging fully would do. At first I’ll have to go through withdrawals, but once I make it through, the noise in my head will quiet, the sense of being watched will severely diminish if not die, I will become deeply grounded and present in my own surroundings, observing them honestly from my own perspective rather than filtering them through learned lenses, I will stop questioning my own artistic and intellectual worth, instead trusting myself because I will become my primary resource of knowledge and creation and discernment, I will invest more deeply in the relationships that exist in my physical reality and the distant relationships in which I and the other are equally invested in maintaining as I’ll no longer have the illusion of relationships that subsist on passive observance and occasional expressions of support via likes/comments/reacts. I don’t know WHY I’m afraid of that!!!! That’s what I want!!! I want friendships based on time spent together, I want letters exchanged, post cards, phone calls, I don’t want impersonal pictures of peoples’ lunch orders or concert videos. I don’t want to be known that way and I don’t want others to know me that way. I don’t want to meaninglessly keep tabs on people, I want the magic of wondering about them for months or years and randomly encountering them. I want to live in a world of magic. I DO live in a world of magic, I want to clear enough space to let it work. 

I fell into musing again lol. The rest of the update is that I still have facebook but I never check it. I’m keeping tumblr for now because it’s still useful to me in various ways. I have snapchat as well, but I only really use it for two group chats. I still have costar, venmo, and spotify but I rarely use the social aspects of them. I need to purge my email, but that’s not a job for today. I also need to end some subscriptions which is less about social media but they still feel like digital ties. I thought nextdoor would be a good form of plugging into the local buzz, but it’s honestly just annoying so I need to get off of that too. I’m planning to start reading the local papers and avoiding all other news. Hopefully this will guide me towards community engagement and local politics instead of 24 hr national outrage. Oh I’m also still listening to podcasts if that counts, which I feel like it does. Okay! Well,

Signing off until next time,

This has been E. G.