#goodnight everyone for real HAHAHAHA

[writerscornercafe]

WCC's Round Robin #2

Thank you @wabadabadaba (pink) @beelou (red) @lhhomefics (green) for participating! We finaly have our vampire fic! Hahahaha

“Of course it’s a gay vampire,” Zayn rolled his eyes. “Totally didn’t see that one coming.” 

Harry laughed along with the others, hoping his laughter sounded real and not fake at all. 

“Zed, we’re literally watching Interview With A Vampire. Of course they are gay vampires,” Liam rolled his eyes. 

“Hey,” Niall spoke with a mouth full of popcorn. “Do you think if vampires were real they’d all be gay?” 

Harry took a sip of his wine, most of the vampires he knew were gay. 

“Probably,” Louis shrugged as he dug his toes under Harry’s thighs. “I mean, you live forever and you want to be straight? Kinda boring.”

“I don't think you can say that,” Liam frowned. “Isn’t that like…heterophobic?” Zayn, Niall and Louis all threw popcorn at Liam. “Hey! I’m just saying that sexuality isn’t a choice so it’s not fair to say that vampires would or would not choose their sexuality when they live forever.”

Louis sat up which meant an argument was going to start. Harry did not want to partake in this. Especially since he wasn't exactly impartial in this and had more information than the others, information that he couldn’t really let them know he had. He isn’t sure how to put a stop to the argument though because once Louis sets his mind on something, it's not easy to stop him from it.

“I mean why don’t we ask Harold what he thinks?” Louis started his argument by bringing Harry in right away. Usually Harry is okay with that, he’s always joining Louis in riling the others up so it was probably strange that he hadn’t said anything yet.

“Me? Why me?” Harry still asked because that was not the way to bring him into the conversation. Louis could have said anything else, why did he think Harry would know more than they did. But then maybe Harry was just overthinking this.

“You because he wants a guaranteed someone on his side,” Liam complained rolling his eyes.

“I’m not guaranteed, but I guess I see what you mean,” Harry mumbled.

“The dream team!” Louis pumped his fist in the air. “So, what do you think?”

“Why don’t we finish the movie?” Harry suggested, really trying to get out of this argument.

“Nobody is watching the movie, anymore, Haz.”

“I am,” Zayn spoke up.

“See? Zayn is watching it, now let’s stop talking and watch the rest of the movie.” Harry noticed that Louis was watching him strangely. “What?” Harry questioned. 

Louis squinted as he stared at Harry, making him feel small and nervous. He glanced around at the other boys to see if they were paying attention to the movie or the way Louis was glaring at him. He was relieved they were watching the movie but he also wished they could see the way Louis was looking at him. 

"What?" Harry repeated, this time quieter. 

Louis shook his head and dropped his hands to his lap. "Nothing."

It didn't feel like nothing. It certainly didn't sound like nothing, judging by the uptick in Louis' heart rate. Harry brought his hand to his hair and brushed it through his long locks whilst it also covered his face. If he had a heart he knew it would be trying to beat out of his chest at that moment. He wasn't sure what was up and Louis always made him a little bit nervous even in the best of times, but now he was more than nervous. He was afraid because Louis’ behaviour made him wonder if Louis was suspicious.

Harry managed to ignore it and pay attention to the movie along with everyone else, for the most part but soon the movie was ending and he knew it was almost time to leave Zayn’s place and walk home. Usually, he and Louis would walk back together because they lived pretty close and Harry was dreading what conversation would come up on the way, if Louis didn't try to resume the argument with Liam before they left.

“Goodnight lads. Same time next week?” Louis asked, putting on his jacket and shoes.

“You know it,” Niall agreed.

“Alright, Haz? Are you ready to go?” Louis asked, waiting by the door.

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s go.” They both waved as they walked out the door.

The first five minutes they walked in silence. Harry didn’t know if he was imagining it, but it seemed like Louis kept staring at him. When Harry would look over, Louis would look straight ahead again quickly, hiding that he was looking at him.

“Okay,” Harry spoke as he stopped walking. “What is it, Louis? I can tell something is the matter. Did I upset you that I didn’t want to make the argument with you?”

Louis crossed his arms in front of his chest again as he shook his head. “No, that’s not it.”

Harry frowned and stepped closer. “Then what is it? I hate not knowing.”

“You’re so stubborn,” Louis sighed. 

“Because I don’t want you to be mad at me?”

“Because you won’t tell me the truth!” Louis yelled, throwing his arms up. “I know you’re a fucking vampire, have known for quite some time actually and you refuse to tell me. I thought we were friends. I thought we were…” Louis trailed off. “It doesn’t matter I suppose because you don’t trust me.”

It had been a long time since Harry was stunned into silence. Normally he could talk to a wall. But this, this was everything he didn’t want to have happen. He didn’t want things to change and now they would. He would have to move again, have to go into hiding, change his name which was a shame because being Harry Styles was his favorite persona so far. Worst of all, he would lose Louis. 

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, I just didn’t want to lose you,” Harry pleaded to Louis’ back.

“Well, you have a nice way of showing you don’t want to lose me,” Louis shrieked angrily, turning around towards Harry. He grabbed him roughly and moved towards a park so they didn't keep arguing on the sidewalk. 

Harry wasn’t sure how that made sense and he didn’t know how he could fix it, how he could somehow make Louis forget so they could go back to Harry and Louis, so he could feel normal for once in his millenia long existence.

“I don’t know what you want me to say Lou, yes maybe I was a little selfish because around you I don’t feel like I’m some kind of monster, I just feel like myself and I didn’t for a long time. I couldn’t have you seeing that side of me,” Harry sobbed.

“Darling,” Louis sighed and removed his hand from Harry’s arm to bring it to his face. “I could never see you as a monster, and don’t you dare call yourself that either. Sure, you’re a vampire and I’m upset that you didn’t tell me about it but that’s all I am upset about. I don’t hate you for being a vampire. I could never hate you Harry.”

“Really?” Harry whispered. “I have the power to kill you.”

“I know that you won’t,” Louis said simply. “I trust you.”

“You trust me that much?”

“Of course. If you were going to kill me, you would have done it by now. We’ve known each other for two years. You could have done it at any time, but you didn’t. You won’t.” Louis said, running his hands through Harry’s hair.

Harry looked at Louis. His eyes flickered down to his lips and Louis licked them. Harry could hear Louis’ heartbeat quicken. He leaned in slowly. 

“Tell me no if you want me to stop,” Harry whispered.

“Don’t you dare stop, Styles. Kiss me.”

Their lips met and the metaphorical sparks flew. It’s nothing like Harry imagined kissing Louis would be. It’s so much better. Louis’ thin lips slotted between his perfectly. They were soft and reminded Harry of what it felt like to be alive. Harry had managed to kick his vices decades ago but now that he tasted Louis’ kiss, he knew he was addicted. 

“Louis,” Harry gasped as he pulled away. “I could get lost in this, lost in you.”

“Then why are you stopping?” Louis frowned as he tugged on Harry’s shirt to tug him closer.

“Mmf,” Harry groaned into Louis’ lips. “Because,” he kissed him again. “It’s been about sixty years since I’ve been arrested and I really,” another kiss. “Don’t want to go to jail for public indecency.”

“It’s dark, no one can see us.”

Harry nearly growled as he pulled Louis closer to him. “I don't want the chance for anyone to see you the way I want to see you. Besides,” Harry pulled away completely, trying to get some semblance of space between them. “I don't want to ruin this. I want this to last and I feel like it could. Let me take you on a date.”

“I’m not a virgin, Harold. You don’t have to wine and dine me.”

Harry scrunched his nose. “It’s not about your virginity. It’s about me wanting to do this right.”

Louis groaned but he was smiling. “Fine. But just so you know, I do put out on the first date.”

Harry grinned, finally allowing his fangs to show. “I was hoping so.”

Louis rolled his eyes and reached out to grab Harry’s hand. “Come on, walk me home Harold. You can tell me all about the date you’re going to take me on.”

Harry laughed, feeling light as air as he kissed Louis’ head and started walking towards Louis’ place. It certainly wasn’t what Harry expected of the night but he should know by now to expect the unexpected.

[firewoodfigs]

sudden inspiration at 2am to write some parental content, all thanks to @katharinedraws00​ lovely art :^) (art by Katharine, not me!! I can’t draw to save my life!) 

It struck him out of the blue, as most nightmares do. One moment he was dreaming of Winry and her obsessive rambling about the latest automail developments in Rush Valley; the bleating sheep and the undulating valleys that gave Resembool its glorious, rustic charm, and his mother’s blissful smile whenever she stood out in the morning sun to hang their laundry dry. Then all of a sudden her smile twisted in a wicked, disdainful sneer. No longer was it the mother he remembered and so dearly loved. Instead the marks of his transgression, his utter failure took her place and glared at him with sinister red eyes that made his stomach churn and his blood boil. 

Ed woke with a start, heaving. 

“Just a bad dream,” he muttered to himself. The sun was creeping in through the heavy, velvet brocades of the hotel by now, beckoning for him to go out and do whatever it was he’d been assigned here for. Ed groaned and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes blearily. 

At least the hotel breakfast was good. A decent spread of eggs and toast and fruits, the typical assortment to be expected (no milk, thankfully) awaited him. With all the eagerness of a starved man, he devoured plate after plate gleefully, thankful that it’d be charged to the military and not his personal bank account. 

Once breakfast was out of the way and he’d managed to flush some of the bad thoughts out of his mind with a cup of orange juice, Ed then headed towards the lobby to reconvene with the bastard and Lieutenant Hawkeye. 

“Let’s go,” he yawned, making it a point to not make eye contact with them so that they wouldn’t see the vestiges of his cruel, twisted dreams. Mustang sighed, muttering something about how punctuality was paramount in the military. 

Ed simply ignored him and waltzed ahead of them, stretching luxuriously. 

—

The rest of the day passed by without much incident. Externally, anyway. What went on in his mind, however, was a completely different story. Somehow the visceral images of that night kept conjuring themselves in his head even as he tried valiantly to suppress them with happy thoughts. (Like Al munching on Winry’s apple pie. Or Mustang getting socked in the face.)  

And it only got worse when he passed by all the mothers holding their children’s hands like they were the most precious thing in the world. 

In the end, it’d been bad enough such that he couldn’t even sleep. Ed thought this was a remarkable feat, as he was typically able to fall asleep even on the most uncomfortable trains. Not to mention the day had been completely exhausting — all the walking and gallivanting and constant alertness had worn him out sufficiently, to the point that his limbs were aching and his joints were groaning like an old man. Like Mustang whenever he was met with paperwork. 

Then, the mumbling from outside reached his ears. It was strangely warm, soothing. And from that the memory of his mother’s comforting murmurs whenever he had a nightmare or a bad fall emerged, crushing whatever modicum of pride that he’d been latching onto into dust. 

Desperate to sleep (and for comfort, though he’d never admit that aloud), Ed opened the door quietly and walked towards the source of the mumbling, keeping his head lowered so that the jerk wouldn’t have an opportunity to make fun of his weakness. Even more quietly, he confessed, “Alright. Uh, due to some, er, traumatic events that happened today, I haven’t been able to sleep, I heard some mumbling in here so I —“ 

Wait, what the heck? 

Was that a kiss he heard? A kiss? Like, lips on skin, or lips on lips? 

Ed paled visibly, choking on his saliva. Instantly he retracted his words, but while he wanted to call Mustang out for being twelve different kinds of repulsive (and for goodness’ sake, Lieutenant Hawkeye deserved better than some self-conceited, pompous imbecile with an ego the size of Amestris!) he remembered that Lieutenant Hawkeye was there too. 

Lieutenant Hawkeye, who could shoot him if she so wanted for invading on their privacy like that. 

“Oh, er, sorry! I didn’t mean to interrupt you all… I’ll just —“ and he scampered away, hoping he’d live to see another day. 

“Get over here, shorty,” Mustang called. Ed’s antenna twitched, and he halted in his tracks, all too ready to retaliate and beat Mustang up into a bleeding pulp. 

But all of a sudden he was encased in a warm embrace, the Lieutenant’s soft hair tickling his own messy fringe. 

“You’re always welcome here, Ed,” Hawkeye reassured kindly. 

Ed wanted to bury himself out of embarrassment. Of course, he’d always known that Lieutenant Hawkeye had a soft spot, but now that he was on the receiving end of one of her — what he presumed to be extremely rare — hugs… 

He didn’t quite know how to respond. 

“I, uh,” he began sheepishly. “Sorry —“ 

“It’s okay,” Hawkeye soothed. To his mortification, Mustang was hugging him as well. Ed didn’t know whether to punch him in the face or kick him in the nuts, but at least there was no mockery or ridicule coming from the man. Instead, his expression looked… 

Concerned? 

Ed swallowed uncomfortably. 

“Are you alright, Fullmetal?” 

“Y-yeah. I’m fine.”

Heat crawled up his face, betraying the embarrassment he felt. 

Yet they didn’t budge. If anything, they only continued to tighten their arms around him. And ultimately Ed caved. Unable to resist, he relished in their kindness — a kindness so unimaginably warm and tender that it could only belong to a parent’s — and gradually relaxed in their embrace. 

And Ed wondered if this was what it felt like to have a family, whole and complete and loving. 

[taejeonie]

that punch, 날리고 🥊

— aka a markhee vlive scenario where they’re dating YAYY

*english is italicized but if they’re speaking in korean it’s not (including the comments)

“guys guys guys guys”

“HELLO EVERYONEEEE”

“G U Y S”

“GUYS”

markhee, harmonizing: “GuUuUuUYSSS!”

okay who gave them sugar

anyways

they’re both sweating bc they just finished practicing

we stan hard working legends amarite

mark was wearing his cap backwards but taehee flicked the back so it falls off his head :p

he sighs at her in disbelief, while smiling ofc, and places his cap back on his head

then taehee brings her face closer to the phone to read the comments

markswatermelons MY BABIES 🥺🥺🥺

taeyongcutiepie did you guys just finish practicing?

ncitygottagogetem PUNCH WAS SOOO GOOD!!

“did you guys enjoy punch?,” she asks

“we just finished practicing for a bit. everyone left already but taehee wanted to do vlive so i waited for her”

hyucksunshine you guys are soulmates

“actually, we filmed on weekly idol yesterday and we had a lot of fun,,,so please look forward to it!!!”

mark laughed bc he found the way she said it cute ;((

“ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ˡᵒᵒᵏ ᶠᵒʳʷᵃʳᵈ ᵗᵒ ⁱᵗ﹗﹗,” he copied her

taehee brings her phone out and puts her playlist on shuffle

happiness by roc plays first, “ahh i like this”

she pretended she was holding a mic while singing the lyrics in a quiet tone

meanwhile mark was talking about the photoshoot their maknae line had for star1

they looked so good in it PLEASE

“i’ll be the one,,,who stays til the end,,,,”

“honestly, the ambience helped us a lot get into the photoshoot. it was like warm and had like,,,an outdoor kind of feeling”

“and i’ll be the one that proposes,,in a garden of roses...”

taehee leans into mark’s shoulder while singing it’s free estate guys and he immediately puts his arm around her shoulders, still talking about the photoshoot

neoblink MARKHEEEE 💚💚

taeilsbutterfly i saw the behind the scenes!! mark and taehee kept dancing to ridin, it was so cute :>

“cause i am the one!! who waited this looong!! i am the one,,who might get it wrong”

at this point, mark finished talking about the shoot and is currently reading the comments

“and i'll be the one that will love you the way i'm supposed to”

taehee tilts mark’s head to face her while she sang the lyrics

and he had to hold himself back from kissing her right then and there

markswatermelons DID HE JUST LOOK AT HER LIPS

johfam i wouldn’t be surprised if they’re dating

jaeminanana they should just admit it already!!

mark realized what he was doing and pushed her away gently

but taehee and her dramatic ass pretended he pushed her really hard and fell on the floor

“OWWW”

“I DIDN’T EVEN PUSH YOU THAT HARD?? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

you hear taehee giggle before popping back into the frame and saying, “just kidding!!! hihi (*^▽^*)”

“ahh you and haechan are the same, really”

“hmm,” she pouts, “but i’m your-“

pause!!! since she was about to say GIRLFRIEND

“-favorite”

mark tried to hold in his laugh since she knows she was about to slip up

but she didn’t!! hehe

when it comes to the instrumental part, taehee pulls mark to stand up so they can dance

they’re hiphop dancers but u know how like

old people dance

yeah that’s exactly what they’re doing

still cute tho,,,,

markheeyipee they’re just friends guys

taehyucktion taehee’s really affectionate with the members, just like haechan!!

taeheelovely taehee!! what’s your lockscreen?

“what’s my lockscreen? guess :>>”

mark takes a peek at her lockscreen and starts laughing, “what is that??? when did you take this haha”

chenlerap a funny picture of haechan???

jaehyunsdimple probably jisung? since he said he sent her a funny picture a few days ago...

markheepizza MARK!!!

after that one ‘mark’ comment,,everyone started saying it WAS mark

“CORRECT!!! it’s mark!! but for his sake, i won’t show it to you guys (*´꒳`*)”

it was a picture of mark in white tee, messy hair, kissable lips like u know that video of mark holding a sb drink and there was a fan in his shirt?? mm yes very boyfriend material

taehee takes a look at her lockscreen again, “hmm but you look handsome in it though?? i guess it won’t hurt to show- HEY”

mark grabbed her phone and placed it in his pocket

taehee ran her tongue along the inside of her cheek and was tempted to reach for it

but he raised his brow at her as if to say “what? are you gonna get it?”

i live for cocky and confident mark lee

so taehee just shakes her head at him and faces the camera

“these days mark LOVES to take my phone,,he isn’t even going to use it he just takes it and keeps it there”

in reality mark just wants her to pay attention to him more in the dorms awww

“ah my homescreen? secreeeet (*´ω｀*)”

it was a picture of them sleeping in the backseat

taehee’s head was buried in mark’s neck, his head laid on top of hers while his arm was wrapped her shoulders

no one noticed except hyuck, so he took a pic of them

(〃ω〃)

ANYWAYSSS

“oh i remember we have drinks”

she goes off screen while mark watches her

“do you want me to get yours?,” he nods

“sLUSHIEEE”

“mark’s is red and mine’s blue- what is that? watermelon?”

“i thought it was,,but it was strawberry. you wanna taste?”

she takes a sip from his straw and glances at him, “it’s good!! you wanna taste mine?”

later into the vlive you would notice that they switched drinks already

they spent the next few moments reading comments from czennies 

chenlescars netflix recommendation? pwarkjisung what songs do you listen to these days? neogotmyback TAEHEE I LOVE YOUR HAIR

“’taehee i love your hair’”

“oh thank you!! i wanted to dye it blue for quite some time and the hyungs- oppas told me i should go for it hihi”

mark giggleD as he pointed at the screen

“what is it?”

jeon_jieun taehee, my baby!!! you look so grown up now!! 💚💚💚

“AA MOM!! (o-_-o)”

“HAHAHA YOU’RE SO CUTE”

“hi mom ;<< have you eaten?”

jeon_jieun yes :))))

“AHAHHAHAH SHE ANSWERED”

“mark and i will eat at the dorms if you’re wondering. we just finished practicing so we’ll eat right away”

“teehee’s mom, hello!!” 

mark lee is the type of boy your mom would want you to marry 

and maybe teehee’s mom would too jdbjksb

“actually, the only members who met my mom, like in-person, were you, haechan, doyoung-oppa, and taeyong-oppa”

“really?”

“yeah,,,the rest were through video call”

“ahh”

“she’s really fond of you,,”

“oh really?”

“haechan too”

“oh”

“HAHA WHY IS YOUR REACTION LIKE THAT?”

“LIKE WHAT?”

markjohnjae the way mark’s face went from ☺️ to 😐

“don’t worry, if you come home with me next time, you could take haechan’s spot as her favorite”

“mom, please look forward to it! (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞”

markheearchive DID MARK JUST CALL TAEHEE’S MOM “MOM” OMG THEY’RE GETTING MARRIED  hyucksolo MARKHEE ENDGAME

mark’s solo was the next song to play on her playlist

“ah this is my favorite song,” taehee said as she bopped her head to ‘talk about’, making mark laugh

she rapped the lyrics effortlessly and you could clearly see the heart eyes on mark’s face

until she imitated how mark growled during that one part of his rap

“this that MuRDER from the tongue-“

“OH WHAT DUDE DO I SOUND LIKE THAT?”

“HAHAHAHA”

“I DONT DO IT LIKE THAT!!”

“NOOOO, DUDE NO I SWEAR I WATCHED YOUR FANCAMS AND YOU DO SOUND LIKE THAT!!”

taehee chuckles at mark’s shy face, “okay, then show me”

“like right now” “mhmm”

...

“it’s the MuRDER from the tongue,,”

“it sounds the same!!”

“no it isn’t,,”

“oh what? yours is like,,sexier? is that what you want me to say?”

mark stares at her fondly for a moment before telling her, “i didn’t say thaaat”

“you like it either way ;))”

neodream07 do you watch ridin club?

“ridin club? what’s ridin club”

“it’s like the variety show of the kids”

“oHHHH”

“see? this is why they like me more than mark”

“pft”

“jaemin kissed haechan, right? jeno did too, almost”

mark laughed, “really??”

“yeah, aaa that kid. one day, he’s gonna do it for real and regret it.”

“but he already did?”

“what? when?”

“when we were filming the music video for ‘go’,,,your lips touched haha,,right?”

taehee (　˙-˙　)

“oh yeah right- i remember now”

her disgusted face while saying that made mark laugh

later on, mark felt taehee’s phone vibrate in his pocket so he brought it out and gave it to her

“haechanie texted me,,he said we should go back to the dorms- *laughs* he wants to play games already”

“what time is it?,” mark yawned

“it’s 11:57,,” she bit her lip and looked at mark

he does look like he’s about to sleep already

and he stayed with taehee so she won’t go live and go home on her own

(● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾ i want a mark

“guys, we’re gonna have to wrap up now,,sorry for making the vlive so short :((((“

it’s been an hour taehee wym so short :<<

markhee stans are well fed

taeheebubs awww

markhyucktingles it’s okay bb!! get some rest <33

doyoungbunny get home safely!! and stay healthy!!

“you guys stay safe!! we’ll see each other soon,” mark waved

“goodnight guys!! or goodmorning- wherever you are. enjoy the rest of your day!! byeeee”

taehee turns off the vlive and stretches a bit while mark leans back to lay on the floor

she stands up and grabs her and mark’s bags after throwing their drinks in the trash bin

“come on, let’s go home :>>”

mark grabs her hand as he stood up, gets his backpack from her, and slings it around his shoulders

gently, he pulls taehee towards him and places a short kiss on her lips

she holds back a smile, “why so suddenly?”

“i wanted to do it earlier but i couldn’t”

their voices sound so small even if they’re the only ones in the practice room at that moment

it’s the butterflies,,,(//∇//)

she smiles and cups his face to bring him in for a longer kiss

mark smiles as he felt her deepen the kiss, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer

short, sweet kisses soon turned into hot, opened-mouth ones and taehee’s got her hands in mark’s hair, making a small sound come out of him

taehee’s phone rings once again, making her pull away from mark before giving him one last peck on the lips

mark lee best kisser i think

mark intertwines their hands together as she accepted the call,,,led her out of the practice room and to the elevator

“noona, why are you laughing? it’s so late, are you still there?”

“we’re about to get off the elevator, don’t worry”

“the live ended a few minutes agooo. what took you so loooong”

taehee senses the pout in hyuck’s voice and chuckles at him, “secret. we’ll play games later, byeee”

“secret...? sECRET-“

beep

“you ended the call just like that?,” mark laughs at her

taehee shrugs in response

later when they’re at home and in their taehee’s bed, they head off to sleep after taehee played rounds with hyuck and johnny

as taehee’s head laid snug on mark’s chest, his arms wrapped around her frame to keep her close, mark thought nothing could get as cozy as this moment.

[arckook]

around and around - two

pairing: cho seungyoun x reader, kim wooseok x reader

au: idolverse

warnings: none

wordcount: 3.9k

description: you’ve had a one-sided crush on your close friend seungyoun for who knows how long, but things don’t stay so black and white when he introduces you to his new groupmate kim wooseok.

next

“Cool outfit.”

You talk through the mouthful of noodles you’re currently chewing, as Seungyoun spins around in front of you in his blue and black ensemble.

“I know, right?” he says, looking excited. “I think these are the best ones since the first outfits.” “What, your red ones?” at his nod, you nod back. “Yeah, those were cool too.” “What would you even call this style?” Seungyoun asks, checking himself out in the mirror to your side. “Like, techy or something?” “I was thinking dark superhero,” you suggest, slurping up some more noodles. “Don’t you have to go soon? I feel like your leader will be mad at me for taking up your time.”

“Seungwoo-hyung?” Seungyoun shakes his head. “No way, he’s not that strict with me and Wooseok since we’ve already experienced all of this stuff.”

“Oh,” you hum, finishing up the last of your cup noodles. You know you really shouldn’t have eaten that, but ever since your head manager Sungjoon went on leave a few weeks ago, your female managers have been a lot less picky about what the four of you are eating- and you’ve all been taking advantage of that.

“By the way,” you speak up again as you take the ramen cup over to the sink to wash it out so you can recycle it. “How’s Kim Wooseok?”

“Wooseok?” Seungyoun sounds a little confused. “I mean, he’s good. Did you guys talk a lot or something?” “Not really,” you reply honestly, tossing the ramen cup in the recycling and going to sit back down on the couch, smoothing your hands over your pants. “Just a little bit.”

Truthfully, you haven’t spoken to Wooseok since those very brief texts a few weeks ago. You did see him just for a moment earlier when you went to drop by X1’s waiting room, which is when Seungyoun decided he wanted to hang out with you while the other music show performances were going on.

You’d been nervous at first, about hanging out with Seungyoun. You thought he might ask you why you left in such a rush that day, and you still felt a little awkward, honestly. But he hadn’t, and the two of you have known each other long enough to start talking with few inhibitions.

“He asked if you were feeling better, right?”

Surprised, you frown as your head snaps over to Seungyoun, who’s now leaning against the makeup counter in the room. “Huh?”

Your friend frowns back at you. “Wooseok told me you hurried back that night because you were suddenly feeling sick. He said you mentioned it while I was gone. I gave him your number so he could ask if you were feeling better.”

“Oh, right,” you nod, smiling, going along with the story. “Sorry, it’s been a long week so it kind of slipped my mind. Yeah, that’s all he asked about.”

The conversation goes on until both of you decide it’s time to go back to your respective groups to touch up makeup before you go on stage, but something keeps nagging at you.

He couldn’t even bother to ask you himself if you were feeling better, even though Wooseok told him you were sick.

Does he even care at all?

That night, you stare at your phone, the empty text bar staring back at you, somehow feeling menacing. You’ve typed out the message a few times, then decided there’s no point to sending it, then feeling the urge to send it again.

You sigh in frustration, writing it out one more time.

Wooseok-ssi, did you tell Seungyoun that I was sick a few weeks ago? When we all had dinner?

“Whatever,” you mutter, pressing send spontaneously and then chucking your phone to the other end of your bed so you can pretend you didn’t just send that.

Ding!

You groan. You just threw it over there, and now you have to sit up and reach all the way across your bed?

Despite the inconvenience, you lean over and grab your phone from where it had been precariously sitting halfway off of the edge of your bed.

Yes. You were acting weird so I had to make something up.

You don’t know what you were expecting, but Kim Wooseok really just seems like a straightforward type of guy.

You roll over onto your stomach, trying to think up a reply. Or should you even reply? It’s not like you’re friends with him, and he already answered your question.

Oh, well, thanks for that! Seungyoun-oppa suspected nothing thanks to you :)

That message might be a little bit cringy, but you’re just trying to come off as nice to him, since he probably already has a weird impression of you with the way you reacted to him realizing you like Seungyoun.

If you’re so thankful, give me money or something

You let out a snort at his response. Okay. Maybe this guy isn’t as cut and dry as you thought. You’re trying to think of something witty to respond with when your phone dings again.

Good luck on continuing your promotions, Y/N-ssi. Goodnight.

You smile a little at the thoughtful message.

Thanks, goodnight!!

You send your own message of goodnight back, then set your phone on your nightstand, knowing you should get to sleep.

Jamiezzz wooahhhhh, Y/N!!!!! you look hot 😋😘

You laugh at Jimin’s message in the groupchat. Along with her text, she’d sent a few of the pictures from your latest sportswear endorsement. You and Soohyun had done the advertisements together, and while your youngest groupmate had felt totally comfortable in the skin-tight clothing, you were a little awkward during the whole thing. You guess it turned out well though, since the pictures of you Jimin attached honestly did look pretty hot.

Hyunggu🤪 There will be an article with 48739857382 comments about these pictures in like 2 hours, bet

Beoneon I thought you did this photoshoot with Soohyun Y/N?

You thirst over my lil sis again and I’ll fight you for real if we ever end up on a show at the same time

You cackle as you send your reply to Vernon, knowing he had asked his question with total innocence, and would be really embarrassed to read what you implied.

“Look that way,” the stylist doing your hair points to the left, so you look that way, awkwardly holding your phone up to your face so you can see the screen still.

Beoneon I literally didn’t mean it like that but ok

Jamiezzz guys do better you need to hype Y/N up NOW!!! she said this was a challenging thing for her

You hahahaha its ok

Hyunggu🤪 So I have to hype up Y/N but all my pics just get roasted? Make it make sense

Jamiezzz that’s cuz you a fool

You chuckle to yourself at your friends’ antics, then scroll back up and look at the photos of yourself again. Why hasn’t Seungyoun said anything?

Well… he’s probably busy. But then again, his group ended promotions two weeks ago when you last saw him at MCountdown. They probably just got back from Thailand yesterday. Your fingers hover over the photos. It’s not that you’re worried about what he thinks of how you look. You’re just curious.

Youn You worked hard, Y/N👍🏻

You read the message probably ten times over as soon as it pops up on the screen, unable to keep a giddy smile from rising on your lips.

Until that’s all that he says, the conversation in the group chat going on without him.

You worked hard.

You set your phone down in your lap, a frustrated sigh passing your lips. He won’t even say that you look pretty. He’s never really said something like that. He probably doesn’t even think of you in those kind of terms.

“Something upsetting happen?” the stylist asks you. You smile at her through the mirror. “Nothing important.”

This time, at a get-together with all of your friends, plus Kim Wooseok who has tagged along again, you don’t sit next to Seungyoun. You doubt he notices, but you did it on purpose.

It’s not really dinner out somewhere like you usually do- you all just decided to hang out, drink beer around a floor table at Jimin’s apartment. You’re leaving to go on a trip with your members to film for your reality show in a couple of days, and Vernon is on a short break in between tour dates, so it’s the last time you’ll all be able to gather for at least a few weeks.  

“Aren’t you two tired? I feel like you guys have been working nonstop for the past two months.” Nathan, who has finally made an appearance at one of your gatherings, refills everyones’ glasses with beer.

“Uh-huh,” Vernon answers halfheartedly, leaning back against the couch behind you. You pick up your glass and take a swig. “Tired is an understatement.” “That new manager isn’t giving you guys a break, huh?” Jimin asks you, which you nod at. “Yeah. He booked us to film a CF the literal day after we get back from Hawaii.” “Too bad that Sungjoon guy quit,” she hums, offering you a sympathetic expression.

You’ve been doing a good job tonight, of pretending like you don’t have feelings for Seungyoun. You’ve been talking a lot more to Vernon and Jimin since they’re next to you, and with all the drinking games going on, there hasn’t been a whole lot of group conversation.

That changes, though. Of course it does.

“Out of beer!” Hyunggu eventually announces, gesturing around to all of the empty glasses on the table. “Who’s going to get more?”

You stand, brushing down your clothes. “I will. I need some fresh air.” “Someone go with her,” Jimin mutters, slumped over on the couch. “It’s a dangerous world for women.”

You roll your eyes, ready to object-

“I’ll go. Come on, Y/N.”

Surprised, you look over as Seungyoun stands up, scooting behind Wooseok and Hyunggu to get into the main part of the living room.

“Alright,” you say, shrugging to seem nonchalant. “Be right back,” you tell your friends, grabbing your bag off of the kitchen counter.

Seungyoun puts his hand on top of your head as soon as you walk out the door of the apartment, ruffling your hair. “No more drinks for you when we get back, okay?” “What?” you laugh and give him a skeptical look as his hand slides down from your head to wrap around your shoulders. “Cho Seungyoun, I have the right to get wasted before I go on vacation.” “You already drank a lot,” he says, shaking you gently. “Your new manager will get mad at you.” “How do you even know that,” you grumble, even though he’s totally right. “I can tell,” he says, smiling down at you.

Your heart is beating furiously fast.

Seungyoun looks the best like this, you think. When he has no makeup on, and his hair is just falling over his forehead unstyled, and he’s wearing a hoodie and jeans. When his smile is calm and relaxed and for you. When he doesn’t feel like a public figure, who people know and love, but just him. Just Seungyoun.

He lets go of you when you get into the elevator, and immediately you miss the feeling of his arm wrapped around you.

“The two of us haven’t hung out together in a long time,” Seungyoun comments as the elevator starts descending. You glance over at him and he meets your eyes. “And you keep being too busy.” “I’m not the only busy one between us,” you tell him, patting his arm. “Anyway, we’re hanging out right now.” “We’re just going to the convenience store to get beer,” he chuckles. “Kind of a boring hangout session if you ask me.”

That stings. You look away, at the elevator doors, at the ground. Anywhere but at him.

You wish you could tell him. It’s not boring to you, doing something like buying cheap beer at a corner store with him. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing if you’re doing it with him. But you guess that he’s bored with you unless something fun is going on.

“Yeah,” you agree softly.

“Anyway, let’s hangout when you get back! When both of us are less busy, obviously.” Seungyoun continues the conversation without even a pause. “I don’t think that’s really possible, though,” you respond, feeling half-hearted now that you’ve been reminded that his smiles and gentle touches mean nothing to him. “You’ll probably have a comeback and then it’s award season.”

“We’ll make time for it somewhere,” he says, then holds out his pinky as the elevator doors open. “Promise?” You look up at him, reluctant, but give in, hooking your pinky around his. “Promise.” “Yay!” Seungyoun shakes your joined pinkies, then lets go of your hand to open the door to the apartment complex, leading you out into the crisp air of Seoul at night. “I’ll hold you to it.”

What happened last night?

You’ve read Kim Wooseok’s message a few dozen times at this point. He sent it this morning, at around ten. It’s ten pm now, and you still haven’t answered.

You’d figured he would have noticed that your mood was a little dampened after you came back to Jimin’s apartment with Seungyoun, more alcohol in tow. Even though Seungyoun advised you to stop drinking, the way he kept smiling and laughing cluelessly made you want your mind to be a little foggy. You’d been a little quiet, but that’s how you get when you drink anyway, and your friends probably hadn’t noticed anything different.

But Kim Wooseok seems to have the perceptive skills of a fortune teller.

You and Soohyun had gone to get dinner together after doing a pretty long vlive earlier, but now you’re alone by the Han river, having wanted some time to yourself to think before you go on the trip with the girls.

Your thumbs hover over the screen, but instead of typing, you just sigh, looking out over the river. You like the river a lot. When you were a trainee, you used to come and sit on the banks with the other trainees and eat snacks from the convenience store after practice. You were supposed to be studying when you didn’t have practice, but you always thought if you debuted, you wouldn’t need to have good grades anyway.

You’d been really stressed out, in those days. Worried about your debt to the company, whether you were good enough to debut, missing class all the time to go to special dance seminars. You’d been so anxious about the company finding out that you went on a date with one of your classmates that you told him the next day you didn’t think you could actually date him.

You should’ve just dated him. Maybe then you would have gotten in trouble, and then never developed an interest in Seungyoun because the experience of getting yelled at by the CEO would have scarred you.

You shake your head, laughing a little at yourself.

Ding!

Expecting a text from one of the members or your manager, you look down at your lap, eyes widening when you see the text.

Are you sitting by the river right now?

“What the…” you stand up immediately, looking around with a frown. Is Kim Wooseok literally a fortune teller or something? A psychic? Whatever someone who can see the future is called.

How did you know that?!?!

You text back, squinting to try and see if anyone walking around looks like him.

Hold on.

“Hold on?” you repeat out loud, in awe. What is going on?

You stand there in confusion for about twenty seconds, until someone walks off of the bridge that’s nearby and starts walking directly towards you.

“Are you a psychic?” you ask Kim Wooseok when he approaches you, hands tucked into his coat, mask over his mouth, glasses on. You see his cheeks lift up slightly like they do when he barely smiles. “Yup.” You give him an incredulous look. “Be honest.” “Are you telling me you actually believe in psychics, Y/N-ssi?” Wooseok says, his head tilting slightly to the left. “I was walking with a friend and saw you.”

You squint at him, not answering. This time he actually laughs, probably in disbelief. “What? You believe in psychics more than that?”

“No,” you start, crossing your arms. “That just doesn’t make sense. You don’t even live over here. It’s nighttime so it’d be hard to see me even from close by, but you somehow spotted me from that bridge?” “So what, you think I’m stalking you?” Wooseok says, looking unimpressed. “I’m just saying it’s weird,” you reply, clasping your hands together and looking around. You hear Wooseok chuckle under his breath, which kind of surprises you because he’s usually pretty serious.

“Anyway…” you start, since your legs are tired from all the dancing you did in your vlive earlier. “Want to sit down?” Even though you can’t see his whole face, you can tell that Kim Wooseok is skeptical. “On the pavement?” “Hey, there’s a step!” you point at where you’d been sitting before. Yeah, it’s just the side of the river, not one of those pretty grassy banks, so it’s just concrete steps. “Well, even if you won’t, I am.” you sit back down, stretching out your legs.

“Whatever,” you hear Wooseok mumble, and then sit down next to you.

A few seconds pass in silence, and then he speaks up again.

“It was really easy to spot you because you’re not wearing a mask, and you’re wearing the same sweater you were yesterday.”

You look over at him with wide eyes, and then down at yourself, and then laugh. “Oh, yeah, I guess you’re right. It was on my chair so I just put it on before coming out.” “Why don’t you wear a face mask?” Wooseok asks, sounding curious. “Don’t you care if people notice you?” You shake your head, leaning back on your hands. “People don’t really come up to me at night even if they recognize me. I think that happens more with male idols. Anyway, masks are stuffy and I’m not doing anything bad so I’m gonna show the world my face.” Wooseok shrugs. “As long as you don’t care if Dispatch tracks you down or something like that.” “Are you nervous?” you grin mischievously as you look sideways at him. “There could be an article out tomorrow about us meeting each other at night.” He glares. “Don’t even joke about that. My career would take a blow.” “What about my career?” you ask, scrunching up your brows. “That part isn’t relevant to me.”

“Pfft,” you flip your hair over your shoulder. “Whatever. I’m sure even if they got pictures of us your company would pay anything they asked to make sure nothing would get released.” “Probably.”

“By the way,” you say, looking at Wooseok out of the corner of your eye, a little sheepish. “Sorry I ignored your text. It’s kind of awkward that you showed up out of nowhere before I replied.”

“I expected you to ignore it,” he says. “You seem bad with confrontation.” “You can say that again,” you mutter.

“...He said something, didn’t he?” Wooseok says, looking over at you. “Seungyoun.” You match his gaze, teeth biting into your bottom lip. You look away. “It’s not that he said something in particular. It’s just that sometimes I realize that… that he just doesn’t care about me the same way I care about him.”

Wooseok is quiet for a moment, then he sighs under his breath, but he doesn’t talk.

“Sorry,” you tug on your fingers, chuckling although you know it sounds kind of strained. “I don’t mean to complain to you, I know we’re not really friends or anything…” “You don’t talk about your problems to people, do you?” he says, turning to face you. Still fidgeting, you shrug. “Just my members sometimes, I guess. I don’t want to trouble anyone.” Wooseok sighs again, a sharper sound this time. He looks away from you, and out of your peripherals, you can see him looking up at the sky. “I get that.”

“Well if you have problems, you can tell me about them if you want,” you blurt out, not really knowing why. Wooseok looks at you, his expression a mix of surprise and confusion. “I’m a good listener and I give good advice.” “Nothing about how you handle your personal issues makes me believe that.” You bite your lip again. “I mean… I’m good at giving other people advice, I’m just bad at implementing it in my own life.” He pauses, then gives a short nod. “Hm.”

“How about this then?” you say, turning towards him completely. “I’ll be your personal advice-giver, and in return, you can keep me updated on Seungyoun.” “Updated?” Wooseok looks unconvinced. “I told you I’m not a stalker.” “Not like that,” you roll your eyes. “I just mean, like… I don’t know. Bring me up and see what he says. Or, if he shows interest in another girl. I want to know so I can force myself to give up on him if things look too dire.” “I think things are already dire for you,” Wooseok mutters, but it sounds like he made it purposefully loud enough for you to hear. He speaks up louder after that. “I don’t want your bad advice, but I’ll help you if you buy me food.”

Well. That’s honestly probably a better idea.

“Deal.” you hold out your hand. Wooseok looks at it, still seeming skeptical, then reaches out and grasps it. His hands are pretty, you notice, as he shakes yours once, firmly.

“Don’t be weird about it,” he says, a warning tone in his voice. “What?” you scrunch your nose. “I’m not weird.” At this, Wooseok laughs. Actually laughs, not the awed one from before. “Not weird? I’m amazed you even said that.” “Whatever,” you shrug, leaning back on your hands again. “People like my personality.” “I’m sure your fans find it… endearing.” “Why’d you have to say endearing like that?!”

“What’re you so peppy for?” Eunmi asks when you get back to your apartment. You shrug, dropping your keys in the dish by the door. “Just ‘cause.”

She gives you a doubtful look as she mixes up what looks like some bibimbap at the breakfast bar. “Did Cho Seungyoun text you or something?” “Nope,” you say, popping the p. “I’ll see you in the morning, unnie!” “Huh?” she calls after you. “L/N Y/N, I swear if you went out to see him-”

You shut your bedroom door behind you, feeling very content.

You pull out your phone, tapping on Kim Wooseok’s name, and snap a selfie with the peace sign up to send to him.

Let’s work hard, Wooseok-ssi! Pick a place to eat, for when I get back from Hawaii~~

A few minutes go by while you take off your makeup and do your skincare routine before you check to see if he’s responded.

Just go to sleep 

You nod to yourself. That seems like him.

You sleep well that night.

[namisuki]

How can we dye our hair black from the inside out? #ChineseBlackSesameDESSERTSOUP.. Hey. I think I need to cut out the sweets for once and for all.. Hmm? I may think like this today but I will do the complete opposite when I feel the stress hormones surging through my veins again. Is that why my hands are starting to look veiny? Hmm. I want to go back to the past only to dig my own grave for my past self so I can be reborn again into the present moment the real. Me.. That is trying to pave her own way into a brighter future tomorrow. Hey. Let's go and be practical for once and forever. I mean.. Who's going to take care of my family but me yoooo? XD I mean who's going to take care of me but me

Duh

FACEPALM straight on my flat face. Let's go~ 🎤😭💬 I.... WONDER WHO U AREEEEE? I DON'T KNOW YOU~ BUT U MAKE ME WONDER WHOOO UUU RRRR LALALALALAAL... GOSH. Ooooooorrreaaallly what does being practical mean? It means u r having all your thousand hands like a Boddhisattva on this deck ⛵.. Dude I am about to go to the otherside in my imagination for now because who is this quarantine made for? Us human beings have... The right hemisphere for a reason.. It is for me to.. Cross.. Towards Euphoria... Because.. 💯✨✨✨I 👁️👃👁️👂this Peaceful Melody calling me in the left hemisphere of my brain hahahahahahahahahaahhahahahahaahhaahah XD dude. I feel like a total alien on this planet earth. Who's my captain hook maan..... Ok

Jaaa you

Goodnight. I love the song "Sorry" it reminds me not to feel sorry for myself but to actually make something out of my future..? Out of my present moment.. But my.. I seem to be everywhere right now. That is why..I don't speak or say a lot in real life. My words hold no meaning if they are not backed up by any actions. Let me take some action right now.. 🎬🎞️I don't like to cut corners but u may cut me some slack while I don't want to slack off so I have to take... Some action now... This is weird... Why do movies exist? I guess........... This is..... For me to find out. I want to be Sonmi... 45..1..?xd ha no.. I don't know. I don't want to be anyone but me.. That is liable to play different characters in a different.. Time zone.. Eh.. Anytime.. Call me.. Don't call me... I will pick up... This line is dead straight.. Haha hahahahahahha ha... Gosh. Bye! I get lost inside my own head. It is not funny anymore

The world must be brighter outside my head.. Hmm.. I wonder how my life looks like when I live from. My heart space? 🤔🤭😇🥳... 🤠🏇.. Ehhhtooooaaoaoaoaooa CD.... I ate his CD for breakfast and now I sound like a broken record hahahahahaahah k.. I have to get some 🎥 soul going on in my room because my room is... Seoullesssssswwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa dude. People that read this may that I am weird.. But maybe u are... This.. Really... No nonsense type of person like me.. But u know what... This kind of.. Doesn't make sense to. Me either but it does.. In a very weird.. Paradoxical way... I sneezed. Goodnight. Take care. I will do what I didn't do a few weeks ago. I am behind. But I will catch up. Don't Heinz me. Byebye! 😭😂✨✨😁✨✨✨😁😁✨✨✨✨🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅~ aserejee jee Haa jshajajana I forgot that song.. The ketchup song made me.. Boogy woogy... I forgot them lyrics do Ooooo hahahahahaahah OK. 🎶

I want to do a cover of the Rose's song or a cover of my beloved.... 🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫.... Eric Nampyeonieeeeeeeee.. I swear I do not dare to talk like this to him again, because this is kind of cringy? I actually dont want to be with u-ooh anymore because I don't love people that cheat on me? I don't even know you yet so how is this cheating? XD sassaeng 101.. Is what people will say but I don't mind. I think what matters most is that we are able to express how we truly feel without suffocating one another with our words. Ain't it right

Heeeeeh.. I don't think I am right but...for now I want to be myself again. Sigh. I am sick of hiding my heart inside a really suffocating chamber myself so... Hmm.. I miss this... Larger than life feeling I got when I was standing on the mountain top back in China. Ha. Or in Italy. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........ Some people are experts in letting pasts be bygones but I don't think I am that great in it yet so let me start from now on. Honestly, I don't think anyone can just let bygones be bygones.. Without... Harboring some.. Thorns inside their own hearts.. Can they? XD I mean can we? Can I? Yes!.! A. A! Said yes we can. Yes I can. So yes we can. Alrighties. Ssssssleep well.... Use the time we have to build a stable foundation for the children of tomorrow~ duhuhuuhu... I can be one of them or I am one of them and so are you! No matter how old you are now. I am still convinced that we are all... Babies, turning into adults... Becoming grans and gramps of the universe.. Reaping or sowing tiny gems of wisdom into the planet earth 🌱🌲🌳🌴🌵🌾🌿☘️🍀🍃🎋🎄.. And what more? I know I can not be the person I wanted to be a while ago or I know that is trying to emerge from. Within me in just a split second because.. Like an onion.. I don't like to eat

U have to peel it one layer by one layer... Until u reach its core.. It is the essence that is able to kill our eyeballs with a fragrance that even garlic can't top... Off this vampire diary is ending now. I have to take care of. My psychical needs? Body now. My gums are bleeding red like the Rose I couldn't receive from Eric Nam a while ago lol. Hahahahah hahahaha. So I got a digital rose instead and honestly I am glad he sung that song because it got me like wooooo hahahahahahha. XD gosh. I have to buy myself a guitar for.. The birthday I wish I could attend a bit sooner than now.. But this date of birth is only starting... In September so.. Uhm.. Let's pray COVID-19 is ending soon so I can flyyyyyy away.... Save money

And... Uhhhhhmmm u know. There are a lots of places left for us as human beings to visit and a physical! Geographical location u can see, hear, taste or.. Feel or any other senses we can use to.. Discover planet earth is not one of them... I want to take everyone to Euphoria soon, with notes🎶 that will give me paper that means something to the society so I can pay my bills and live a happy and peaceful life with my hooman!.. MAN. MAN MAN MAN WHERE R THOU? OK. I DON'T NEED A MAN IS WHAT MODERN AGE WOMEN SAY IS WHAT I SAID TOO BUT OOOOLAAAAAAYAAAAJAKAKAKKAAKAKAKAKKAKAKAKA I JUST WANT A PSYCHOLOGIST I CAN TALK TO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IN ZE BATHROOM BECAUSE I NEED A SINK TO BRUSH MY TEETH IN NOW BECAUSE IT IS BED TIME. OK. go.. PEACHES and cream are nice but u know what sets avocado's on fire?...... Chilli pepper flakes in the form of gochugaruuUuUuuiu haru haru😂😂🤣😅🤭 hahahahah.... I need to see if I can find someone as gross as me... Just kiddink actually we don't ... P💩P.. We let go~ of our goals.. That do not benefit anyone but ourselves... Because we have to embrace the golden Middle way that is going to help us... All... Go Back to or come through this heaven's doooorr.... 🚽🧻🚪🎤😇🤝😇🎻🎼🌐☮️🎸🎷🥁🎹.. This sounds like a peaceful melody that I can jam to.. For.. Longer than... This evening is really weird. I literally did nothing but roam in my own head space and the only thing I found was something that my heart didn't want to see because my soulmate said.. 🤫🤐Worry no more~ u are right where u are~ just take it slow 🐢 and we can go there anytime when you are ready, I am ready! When we are ready.. HUMANITY WILL BE READY TOO! SO LET'S GOAAAL 💗❤️💖🧡💛💚💙💜.. FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME I am going to bed. 🎶

[jokerrenwriting]

Off the Books - Drabble

I pulled my pajama shorts on after my shower, already in my oversized T-shirt and damp hair brushed out, getting ready for bed.

Knock-knock!

“Huh?” I wondered, leaving my room to go get the door. It was 9:30PM in September and getting dark out. Who would be visiting this late---much less on a weeknight? I supposed an adult who didn’t have school as early in the morning as I did, but... adults still had jobs...

I crept down the stairs as quietly as I could so I could get a glance through the peephole. If the visitor was someone I didn’t know, I just wouldn’t answer the door.

Unfortunately, I recognized him. So I opened the door, despite being in my pajamas. “Detective Akechi,” I greeted, going for polite and quite possibly failing miserably. I probably sounded irritable and tired. Oh well. It was his fault for visiting so late. “To what do I owe this visit?” I gave him my most saccharine smile, saturating it with sarcastic sweetness. A test to see if he was as observant as people thought.

“I’m here on business,” he said. “I have some questions for you.”

I leaned against the doorframe and folded my arms. “Oh?”

“It’s about your boyfriend.”

“I beg your pardon?” I demanded, affronted. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“I thought that young man with the glasses and messy hair was romantically involved with you.”

“No!” My protest was a little shrieky---it was embarrassing but less so than being accused of dating Ren. “He and me---I mean, Ren and I... we’re not like that. He’s just a friend. I don’t... I don’t date.”

“My apologies, in that case. Still. I’d like to discuss him with you.”

“What about him?” My tone was definitely hostile but Akechi didn’t seem interested in acknowledging it.

I didn’t let Akechi into the house. I wasn’t going to trust him like that---especially when my parents weren’t home for the week.

Akechi didn’t seem to mind. He didn’t ask me to let him in and didn’t seem uncomfortable standing on the porch. “He is on a year’s probation for assault, is he not?”

I clenched my jaw and fists. “Legally, yes. But he’s not who and what you think he is. Before you go judging him for getting slapped with a criminal record he doesn’t deserve, maybe you should hear his side of the story.”

“And you believe it?” Akechi asked innocently, likely feigning the tone.

“Ren has no reason to lie to me.”

“Unless he wanted to win your heart over to his side.”

I scoffed. “Pfft. You really do believe the worst in people, don’t you? I’m surprised you’re as popular as you are, with an attitude like that,” I snapped. “Ren told me his side of the story when I was a perfect stranger. We didn’t know each other. We had no intention of knowing each other. It’s easy to talk to someone you don’t know because who cares what they think of you, right? He had no reason to lie to me. Then or now. The fact that we later became friends was unrelated to his record or trying to sway me to his side.” I took a deep breath. “So, yes, he is legally on probation for an assault he didn’t commit. Happy?”

“Intrigued, more like. I tend not to let emotional reactions like ‘happy’ interfere with my work.”

“That’s such bull-crap.” I snorted and rolled my eyes. “You’ve just convinced yourself that your emotional reactions are logical ones.” Akechi opened his mouth as though to protest, but I cut him off. “Now. What else do you want to know about Ren?”

“How would you describe your relationship with him?”

“I already told you. We’re just friends.”

“As I recall. However, that wasn’t exactly what I meant.”

“Then be more specific when you ask open-ended questions.”

“If you insist. In the case of your friendship, how honest with you is he?” Akechi asked. Warning bells went off in my head. Maybe it was just my anxiety, but I had a feeling I knew where this line of questioning was going.

Still, I was an honest girl, and half-truths were still truths in a way. “Extremely. Ren is an honorable young man with an open heart who isn’t guarded enough to lie.”

“Would he tell you if he’d ever associated with the Phantom Thieves?”

“Yes.”

“Has he told you?”

Whoop there it is. Called it, I thought.

“The phrasing of that question makes it difficult to answer without ambiguity,” I chided. “If I simply say ‘yes’ it’s possible to imply that I meant he has confirmed an association, though the question actually refers to whether or not he has told me about any possible associations. So allow me to answer unambiguously: he has told me that he has no connection with the Phantom Thieves. And again: he has no reason to lie to me. Our friendship is built on a strong foundation of honesty I have no reason not to believe him---and neither do you.”

At this point in the conversation I was getting really annoyed and downright ready to slam the door in his face, but I didn’t want to put Ren in “danger.” I didn’t want to make Akechi suspicious of him.

Akechi regarded me curiously. “You have quite the intellect,” he said.

“So do you. I thought you’d appreciate it.”

“Oh, I do,” Akechi said. “It’s not often I meet someone who can keep up with me. Your friend Ren and yourself are a refreshing breath of fresh air.” He smiled.

I didn’t trust him or his smile. I didn’t care that the media loved him. That didn’t mean I had to. I wasn’t interested in pandering to him. As long as I did my part to keep him off the scent of the Phantom Thieves and our true identities, I didn’t have to play nice.

“Happy to hear it,” I said flatly. “May I ask why you’re visiting and interrogating me this late at night?”

Akechi chuckled awkwardly. “Well, truth be told, this line of questioning is... off the books. I was merely curious about Ren and thought you would be my best bet on getting a third-party opinion. I thought a third-party would be... most likely to be honest. Ren himself could lie to me about himself. You were less likely to do so.”

Less likely but I’m still doing it, I thought. “Why did you want to know about Ren?”

“It’s just... I wanted to make sure his information was trustworthy. But if what you say is true, he is a rather honest person.”

I nodded. “He is,” I confirmed. “He’s a good young man---with a good heart. It’s everyone else around him and society in general who labelled him as ‘bad’ and ‘a criminal’ based on his actions from someone else’s point-of-view.”

“You speak about him as though your feelings run deeper than you let on.”

I flared my nostrils but controlled my temper. “If you’re quite finished with your baseless accusations, detective, I’d like to get to bed,” I said.

“I’m sorry for taking so much of your time. Have a good evening.”

“Goodnight,” I said. I shut and locked the door.

Once I’d run back upstairs, I pulled my phone out, immediately texting the PT groupchat. 

Me: Guys, Akechi came to my HOUSE asking about Ren.

Ryuji: Seriously?!

Me: Yeah.

Makoto: What did he ask and what did you tell him?

Me: He asked about Ren’s crim record and any possible association with the Phantom Thieves.

Ann: What’d you say?

Me: I told him Ren was a good person and snapped at him not to jump to conclusions. I also said that yes, Ren told me there was no association with the PTs.

Yusuke: And he believed you?

Me: I think so.

Futaba: That’s a relief.

Me: He also...

Me: He also “accused” me of DATING Ren, in a roundabout way.

Ren: ??? Really?

Ryuji: FOR REAL?! XD XD XD HAHAHAHA!

Me: -_- Watch yourself, Ryuji. I’m better with my daggers than you are with that bat.

Ryuji: Lighten up. I’m just astounded that he thinks Ren is good enough for you!

Ren: HEY!

Futaba: XD

Yusuke: An amusing idea to entertain certainly. I never thought the two of you were the other’s type.

Me: Uh... Thank you?

Makoto: Back on track here, guys?

Me: Yes. Please.

Me: Anyway.

Me: I think we should discuss it in person. I don’t think he’s onto us being onto him. Anyone too busy to drop by LeBlanc tomorrow after school?

Ann: I have a modeling gig...

Makoto: We’ll catch you up to speed after it. I really want to at least get what Star’s got.

Ryuji: Hey, no codenames in the groupchat!

Ann: Shut up, Ryuji. Okay! Just make sure you catch me up, Makoto!

Makoto: I will.

Me: So, tomorrow, LeBlanc, after school

Ren: You got it.

Ryuji: We’ll be there!

Futaba: I do want to hear in greater detail Akechi “accusing” you of dating Ren.

Me: That was a bad word to use. It’s really not that dramatic.

Yusuke: Only a proper, in-person explanation will tell.

Me: Whatever you say. Night guys.

I turned my phone off and got in bed for the night.

[junhongsprincess]

.

[garden-of-movies]

Every single thought I had while watching The Kissing Booth:

- Elle and Lee were born on the same day and have been life long friends HAHAHA WOW THATS TOTALLY REALISTIC. But also I’m trash for it bc they have such a sweet pure friendship :,)

- MOLLY RINGWALD YAS

- Wow the actress that plays Elle actually looks like she could be in high school and i appreciate that.

- Awh, Lee is cute. But Noah.... HOT DAMN. I can see why Lee and Elle have rules. Noah’s so hot tho it probably wouldn’t stop her if she ever got the chance lol.

- Her pants ripped so she had to dress sluttier.... Ha ha.

- OMG THAT GUY GRABED HER BOOTY

- OMG NOAH GOT IN A FIGHT FOR HER

- THERE IS SO MUCH SEXUAL TENSION BUT SHE DOESN’T SEE IT BC SHES YOUNG AND NAIVE IN THE WAYS OF LOVE AND ATTRACTION.

- Awh Lee drove her to her date 😭 THEIR FRIENDSHIP :,)

- AWH he took her to their dance place to cheer her up AFTER SHE GOT STOOD UP 😤

- HAHAHAHA NOAH TELLS BOYS HE WILL BEAT THEM UP IF THEY DATE HER. THE SEXUAL TENSION IS BUILDING. IM EXCITED. But also nervous for Lee 😬

- Awh she plays sports and is herself and rocks who she is :,) cute :,)

- I don’t exactly hate the OMG girls, but they are the hardest part to watch. Like they are what keeps reminding me that this is a cheesy teen romance. So OMGs= Eh

- Okay Noah and Lee’s house is ridiculous and high school parties are not like this. But high school boys also don’t look like Noah, so I’m moving on now.

- HE STOPPED HER FROM DOING MORE STUPID THINGS AND TOOK CARE OF HER DRUNK HAHAHHA LUV IT

- OMG THAT AWKWARD ROLL AROUND WITH THE CURTAIN AND HES NAKED AND SHE SAID SHE TOUCHED IT HAHAHA THE SEXUAL TENSION IS FUELING ME.

- THE OMG GIRLS AGREED TO DO THE KISSING BOOTH BUT WILL NOAH?????? THE PLOT THICKENS

- Oh god Elle asked him to do the booth one more time and they argued and now they’re one a bad note. MOMENT OF TRUTH TIME WHAT HE GONNA DO?!

- PPL ARE BLOWING LEE OFF AT THE KISSING BOOTH NOT COOL.

- Oh wait, it worked out for him!!! And now he’s holding her hand and leaving early?? 😂 cool!!

- Oh great ELLE is the one working the kissing booth now. AND GUESS WHOSE UP?!? NOAH!!! And she’s announcing that she’s never been kissed oh god 🙃

- THIS KISS!!! And they just keep kissing!!!! In front of the entire school!!!! And everyone is clapping!!! Clapping bc of all that passion HOT DAMN.

- Oh god wait. Everyone saw it so Lee is gonna find out. OH NO LEE 😭 he is a tender boy and I really care about his feelings.

- Okay well that could have been worse, but he was def more upset than he let on.

- It’s about to rain she guess who strolls up on his motorcycle to save the day and take Elle home. EVERYONES FAV BAD BOY NOAH!!! Great 🙃 this will lead to nothing romantic LOLOL.

- UGH NOAH IS SO HOT. HIS FACE HIS BODY AND HES IN THE RAIN AND HE SAYS ALL THE RIGHT THINGS 🙃 KILL ME.

- I don’t really like the height difference though, Noah is SO much taller than Elle. But the tension and romance- I’ll live with it.

- HAHAHA Elle is making a pro and con list I love her.

- High school beach drinking party. Ha ha ha ya totally.

- Noah almost walked away from a fight after he jumped in to save Elle YET again 🙃 but I’m glad he didn’t because that guy was a douche lol. SUCK IT WARREN.

- He just said he fell for her HAHAHAHA.

- He took her to his spot :,)

- Oh wait, ARE THEY ABOUT TO HAVE SEX?!?? BEFORE SHE TELLS LEE!!! Oh god, this is gonna end terribly.

- THEY HAD SEX IN FRONT OF THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN HAHHAHA!!

- I took a twenty minute break from watching the movie because I FOUND OUT ELLE AND NOAH DATE IN REAL LIFE HAHAHHA. Their movie relationship translated to their real lives, and their real life relationship is honestly ten times sweeter, but it’s fine I’m fine :) also in real life Noah is Australian and he’s only 20 years old :) still fine tho :) okay back to watching the movie now.

- This love montage :,) but also it’s funny and i love the song love grows where my rosemary goes.

- OMG LEE THINKS NOAH HIT HER IM SHOOK. BUT ALSO SHE HAS THE CHANCE TO TELL HIM SO SHE BETTER. OH WAIT HAHHAAH THEY JUSY GOT CAUGHT AFTER SHE LIED. Great :-)

- Lee is heart broken 😭😭😭😭

- LOL OH HEEEY MOLLY. Time for some girl talk.

- Wait just like that Lee is gonna forgive her? Wow. He is too good and pure for this world. Elle needs to be counting her blessings everyday.

- Oh god i hate her prom look.

- This prom has a live band? Yo, what year is it?

- DONT YOU FORGET ABOUT ME HAHAHAHA YES!!!! This is also amazing bc molly ringwald is in this movie.

- The kissing booth is at prom, here comes a full circle moment.

- I want you to know, i actually laughed out loud when Noah told her he loved her.

- Oh god she wants to be with Noah but Lee is happy she rejected him. Oh god I’m stressed.

- Okay they had like a two second argument about it and now he just accepts it??? AGAIN LEE IS TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD.

- Oh Noah, we always want the bad boys- AMIRIGHT LADIES?!

- Omg he didn’t turn around for a final wave!!!!! Wow that actually really surprised me. The ending wasn’t cheesy!! Wow I’m very shook.

- Okay it’s late and I’m emotional and i wanna be in the middle of a Lee and Noah sandwich. THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK- Goodnight and goodbye

[bemyfamilyornot]

DAVE: jade?

KANAYA: Took You Long Enough To Wake Up

KANAYA: Your Body Seems To Be Just Fine

KANAYA: As Far As I Can Tell

KANAYA: The Front Door Was Closed

KANAYA: So I Came Through The Window

KANAYA: If I Had Intended Any Harm I Would Have Done So Before You Woke Up

KANAYA: No Need To Be So On Guard

KANAYA: Call Me Kanaya

KANAYA: It Is My Name

DAVE: (whos this douchebag)

DAVE: (what the fucks her deal)

DAVE: (is she… human?)

DAVE: (or)

DAVE: …

DAVE: who are you

KANAYA: I Know The Demon Who Took Your Arm

KANAYA: That Demon

KANAYA: Absorbed The Yamato Which Was Sleeping In Your Right Arm

KANAYA: Gaining Incredible Power

KANAYA: Right Now Roxy Is Heading Towards That Demon

DAVE: and why the hell do you know that

KANAYA: …I Am A Devil Hunter

KANAYA: I Have Been Chasing That Demon For A Long Time

KANAYA: Which Is How I Learnt About Your Right Arm Too

KANAYA: I Also Made A Request To Roxy

KANAYA: As For Me Alone Defeating Her Would Be Impossible

KANAYA: I Intended To Borrow Roxys Power

KANAYA: But She Far Exceeded My Expectations

KANAYA: So

KANAYA: Come With Me Dave

KANAYA: Roxy Alone

KANAYA: Might Be Unable To Win

DAVE: unable to win???

DAVE: roxy????????

DAVE: dude are you for real right now

DAVE: you make a shitty ass comedian

KARKAT: OH ***MAN*** YOU ARE SLOW IN THE HEAD.

KARKAT: THE FUCKING POINT IS SHE’S REAL BAD NEWS!!

KARKAT: SO GET TO PREPARING, CHOP CHOP

KARKAT: DUMBASS.

DAVE: a fucking bird?

DAVE: wait no

DAVE: a demon????

DAVE: jesus whats next a plane

KARKAT: OW!!!!!!

KARKAT: STOP PRICKLING ME ALREADY, IDIOT!

KANAYA: We Have Little Time To Spare

KANAYA: You Should Obediently Come With Me Considering What Might Happen If You Do Not

KANAYA: Unless Of Course

KANAYA: You Do Not Have Confidence To Fight Demons Without That Right Arm Of Yours

KARKAT: ON THE FUCKING MARK, KANAYA.

KARKAT: WELL… IF HE SAYS HE DOESN’T WANNA.

KARKAT: NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT!

KARKAT: JUST TUCK THIS KID IN GOODNIGHT BUT DON'T YOU EVER,

KARKAY: AND I MEAN ******EVER******

KARKAT: FORGET HIS LITTLE FOREHEAD KISSY.

KARKAT: MAYBE A STORY FOR GOOD MEASURE??

DAVE: tch

DAVE: my weapons are in the garage

DAVE: just wait there a min

KANAYA: I Have Told You Already

KANAYA: We Do Not Have Much Time

KARKAT: HURRY THE HELL UP!

KARKAT: OH, DON’T FORGET YOUR HANKY AND TOILET PAPER KIDDO!!

DAVE: youre telling me thats our ride

DAVE: posh

DAVE: guess my plane descriptor was just another prophecy

DAVE: gotta love some prophecys and divination right

DAVE: yup

DAVE: totally...

DAVE: dont get it too close it might wake everyone up

KANAYA: Do I Look Like I Can Contact It Now

KANAYA: Try Jumping And Telling The Pilot In Person

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: sure

DAVE: …

KANAYA: …

KARKAT: (OKAY WHOA.)

KARKAT: (WHOA!)

KARKAT: (WHOA!!)

KARKAT: (WHOA!!!)

KARKAT: (WHAT'S WITH THE SILENCE, KANAYA?)

KARKAT: (GLOOMY????)

KARKAT: (ARE YOU FEELING LIKE, GLOOMY?????)

KARKAT: (OH. YOU ARE, HUH.)

KARKAT: (C'MON! TRY TO BE FRIENDS.)

KANAYA: (For What Purpose)

KARKAT: (“FOR WHAT PURPOSE” SHE SAYS.)

KARKAT: (HE HAD THE YAMATO!)

KARKAT: (WHICH MEANS HE’S LALONDE BLOOD.)

KARKAT: (*THAT* MEANS HE COMES FROM ROXY, OR ROSE.)

KARKAT: (HAHAHAHA!!!)

KARKAT: (YOU GUYS GO LOOOOVEEEE FAMILY RIGHT?)

KARKAT: (YOU HUMANS.)

KARKAT: (SO, WHY NOT TRY TO GET ALONG??)

KANAYA: (Foolishness)

KANAYA: (It Does Not Matter Who He Is)

KANAYA: (I Will Use Him When The Time Comes)

KANAYA: (That Is All)

KANAYA: (If The Situation Was Not The Way It Is)

KANAYA: (I Would Not Have Any Reason To Get Involved With Him)

KANAYA: (If Anything I Should Be On Guard)

KANAYA: (Those Of Lalonde Blood)

KANAYA: (Are Doomed To Fight To Death)

KANAYA: You Should Not Underestimate This Demon

KANAYA: After All

KANAYA: It Was She Who Took Your Right Arm

KANAYA: And Gained A Great Deal Of Power From It

KARKAT: (WELL YOU SEEM TO BE IN A BAD MOOD.)

KARKAT: (TIRED OF BABYSITTING? OR MAYBE YOUR ASS STILL HURTS?)

KANAYA: (Can You Not Feel It)

KANAYA: (My Body)

KANAYA: (My Power)

KANAYA: (They Are Currently Eroding)

KANAYA: (I Tried To Eat And Sleep To Replenish Them)

KANAYA: (But The Effect Was Less Than I Expected)

KANAYA: (I Knew It Already)

KANAYA: (But)

KANAYA: (Realizing That Every Blink Brings Me Closer To The End)

KANAYA: (Makes Me Want To Not Even Lift A Finger If Possible)

KARKAT: (I GOT IT!)

KARKAT: (YOUR PROBLEM,)

KARKAT: (YOU DON'T WANT TO WALK, RIGHT??)

KANAYA: (.....)

KANAYA: (Well)

KANAYA: (I Guess You Can Say That)

KARKAT: (LEAVE IT TO US! CHIN UP KANAYA.)

KARKAT: (ALRIGHT, NEPETA CAME UP WITH A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.)

KANAYA: Dave

KANAYA: I Am Leaving

KANAYA: Attempt To Follow Suit

KANAYA: I Doubt You Would Get Lost In Here

KANAYA: But Still

KANAYA: I Suggest You Do Not Fall Behind

KANAYA: I See

KANAYA: Well

KANAYA: It Is Not Bad

DAVE: ….

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: guess that happened

KARKAT: KANAYA, MY FRIEND, RIDDLE ME THIS:

KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU GOING AHEAD WHEN YOU “DON'T EVEN WANT TO LIFT A FINGER”?

KARKAT: WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER TO LET THAT ASSHAT TAKE CARE OF THE DIRTY STUFF WHILE WE WATCH FROM BEHIND?

KANAYA: Oh

KANAYA: I Would Love To

KANAYA: But Who Knows If He Will Be Of Use

KANAYA: With One Arm

KANAYA: Doubly So

KANAYA: I Want To Get To Her Without Exhausting Myself Too Much

KANAYA: Because Right Now

KANAYA: This Is The Closest Thing To The Demon World On Earth

KANAYA: There Will Be No Shortage Of Scum In Our Way

[haveblogtasticday]

12/24/21

Hello Trianna,

I am so sorry for what you are going through as you write this. I know we aren’t very good at this whole journaling thing. And I’m sorry that you are experiencing another Dylan situation but ten times worse. Why do we put ourselves through this? You were/are suicidal again?? Are you serious? How can you allow yourself to get like that. Plus, you aren’t even in a job right now. How pathetic. Do you realize how annoying you sound with complaining about not getting laid. Some day you’ll find peace. Some day you will find happiness.

Disgusting. You actually believe that. Trianna are you fucking serious? Hahahaha. You will never find true love. What’s the point of fucking some one when you will stay empty inside forever. Hopeless. Alone. Worthless. Lusting after things that will never be. Just stop being a fake person. Be who you truly are, which is a pathetic worm who can’t even find the way back to the soil after the rain. If you weren’t such a coward you’d slit your wrists and be content. Don’t regret death. Regret trying to go after things that you will never have. Look at the past. See how you haven’t changed. So what. So what, you moved out and are exploring. I could care less. You aren’t being you and are instead bringing disgrace to everyone and everything. Okay not everything or everyone cause you can’t really do that cause you don’t and can’t know everyone and everything.

Are you doing this all for attention? I know how you feel when you meet their eyes. The longing to feel needed and help bringing joy to those people you love. And you know that they love you. You just, you struggle. You need help. But you will never get it. Which is fine. Accept it my friend. Oh poor girl. It’s hard, I can feel our heart cracking again. It will continue to break, being split. Why do you wear it on your sleeve and mistreat it so?

Sad little girl, stop being sad in front of people. Just be a faker. It’s said that, I don’t know Trianna. I genuinely don’t know. Stop falling for those who won’t care. It’s hard and sad but just be tired and alone and put your walls back up. Have you made any real friends since you’ve gotten here? Maybe. But you’d let them all down. Right? Goodnight and I’ll talk to you later.

[tgaoe]

“do you love me?” “only partly”

-a review of the Aubrey and the Three Amigos tour opener in Kansas City-

In the late 90s, in my early teens, I began attending concerts, almost exclusively Christian rock bands. Music, bands, and seeing bands play music, dominated my life. In the days, weeks, months leading up to an anticipated show, after school, before my parents got home, I would play a band’s CD—a live one if available—loud, and “perform” it in full alone in my room with a flashlight for a microphone, lip-synching, giving shout-outs to imagined fans, dancing around maniacally until pouring sweat. Last Sunday at the Sprint Center in Kansas City, for the 15,000 people attending the twice-postponed first date of a massive world tour, pop-rap superstar Drake Aubrey Graham—a grown man five months younger than me—did the exact same thing. Last Sunday night, I watched Drake do over an hour of Drake karaoke. It was adorable. It was Drake at his Drakiest, coasting on charm, giving minimal effort, getting away with it.

I love Drake. I love more Drake songs than I love songs by any other artist, by far. My meticulous Drake playlist, post-Scorpion, contains 96 tracks and lasts six hours and 32 minutes. If statistics equaled favoritism then Drake would be my all-time favorite artist. That said, Drake would likely not even make a list of my twenty favorite rappers, let alone general artists. But I love Drake still, and I think about him and enjoy his music disproportionately to how much the man and his work actually mean to me.  

I love Drake because he, or rather the character he plays—who is not actually a character, but is really him—is simple, but in a complicated meta way that circles around and in on itself. See, Drake is dork. He presents as hard, cool, svelte, smooth, but he knows he is actually a dork, we know he is actually a dork, we know he knows he is actually a dork, and he knows we know he knows he is actually a dork, and all of us together have this tacit agreement to accept this false narrative, to enjoy it because doing so validates the way we sing along in our cars alone to songs to which we cannot relate at all. Drake’s existence as a pop star makes it okay, in theory, for me, a 32-year-old white man who teaches elementary school—the dorkiest of dorks, to rap along with Ice Cube’s “It Was a Good Day” in my car on the way home from school, to pretend to be Cube, as long as I leave out certain words when I do it. Drake makes us feel like this is okay to do because it is what he does on the most massive scale. Drake is a theater kid playing a famous rapper, who also just happened to become the most famous rapper.

Drake’s show on Sunday manifested this idea. Tickets cost as much as $250. Mine cost $151.62 after convenience fees. This single performance netted Drake an estimated $2.25 million—I repeat, two million two hundred and fifty American dollars--and yet this man had the gall to perform without a band, without even a visible DJ. It was just Aubrey out there onstage—except during his three—THREE—extended breaks over the 100 minute set, one of which ate up a full 20 minutes while openers Migos sleepwalked through a surprise encore featuring several more of their dreary triplet trap tunes, sapping the energy from the arena until Drake finally, finally reemerged to begin “Blue Tint,” without Future of course. Well, Future’s voice was there, on recording, while Drake shouted over it.

Drake’s voice was also present on the backing recordings. In fact, earlier I posited the notion the evening was Drake doing Drake karaoke. That was not technically accurate. Karaoke tracks exclude missing lead vocals to make room for the amateurs’ interpretations. What Drake did on Sunday was more akin to what I used to do in my bedroom as a teenager, belting along with CDs. The backing tracks at this show were not backing tracks at all. No, they were the original album tracks, with all Drake’s original recorded rapping intact. Drake would rap over his recorded self roughly 40% of the time. The other 60% he would emphasize certain words, talk to the crowd, dance around the massive stage, generally act as a hypeman for himself.

I have seen dozens of large-scale touring rap shows, and I have developed certain guidelines for what makes a good one. First, and most importantly, an arena-touring rapper needs a solid live band, even if that band plays along with backing tracks. Organic instrumentation makes shows feel raw, real, vital in the moment, like something could go wrong. Last year I saw Chance the Rapper play for a crowd of 40,000, and even though his voice was shot due presumably to an asthmatic episode, the show was fun and good because his band played the music right there onstage.

A real, talented DJ can also suffice as long as the rapper(s) also meet the second guideline I will get to. A DJ that visibly flips records and scratches and mixes in real time can fill the void of a live band. Run the Jewels did this both times I saw them, and they are a titanic live act. Many others have made this work for me as well; Eminem, Wiz Khalifa, and, to an extent, Kendrick Lamar, whose monumental roadshow last summer deserves its own multi-thousand-word writeup.

Second guideline: rappers need to rap live with minimal backing vocal tracks, and along with that they need to be the only vocalists onstage and also know how to use a microphone. I have seen so many rappers scream into their mics with no regard for how torturous doing so sounds to the audience, and have three anonymous buddies onstage doing the same thing. I saw Odd Future twice and they were absolutely disastrous, a cacophony so intolerable that I left their Coachella set before they allowed Frank Ocean his allotted two songs. In hindsight I regret this given what and who Frank became, but that is a digression.

Third, live rappers need to be consummate, energetic entertainers, need to at least seem like they are happy to be there rapping for you. The Migos, who opened for Drake, were the antithesis of this. They had a live DJ(✓), but they moped around the stage oblivious of the audience, like they were at the supermarket perusing tv dinners. I am happy to report, however, that Drake met this third expectation, that, by sheer force of Drakery, because of Drake’s inherent Drakeness, the absence of a live band and the extensive use of backing tracks did not much matter. Drake’s show by its very nature was an exception that proved those first two rules.

Drake live is dork supreme, the epitome of his metacharacter. He triumphs as the sole presence on a huge stage in the center of a hockey arena in front of 30,000 eyes, fully living out the teenage bedroom fantasy of performing on a huge stage in the center of a hockey arena in front of 30,000 eyes. That he barely bothered to actually rap is rendered charming by the fact that the Drake we know on record is absolutely the kind of person who would do that, and it is why we love him. Walking out of the show, rushing back to my car to beat the throngs so I could commence the three-hour night drive home, I had the most bizarre feeling: I was satisfied by a total lack of satisfaction.

An early highlight of Drake’s set was a surprising rendition of If You’re Reading This relative deep cut “Know Yourself.” When the beat cut out before the chorus, the tension hung in the air, and then that massive EDM-like drop hit and the pit crowd went wild, as did Drake, galloping across the stage like a madman. The feeling was electric, screaming along with thousands of other people, RUNNIN. THROUGH THE. SIX. WITH MY WOES.

I wish Drake had done more songs from that era. He played 40 songs, but only one or two each from his first four LPs. He sounded best on hard rap tracks—“Free Smoke,” “Energy,” “Gyalchester,” new classic “Nonstop”—and worst on anything that required him to sing, because apparently Drake cannot sing live, even with autotune, to nobody’s surprise. The only time he audibly sung came during an anemic cover of Michael Jackson’s “Rock With You,” tacked onto the end of “Don’t Matter to Me,” naturally, and he sang it in a bizarre whisper. Drake cannot sing! Who knew!

Watching the crowd lose it for the hits was lovely, as was how Drake absorbed the love and fed it back to the crowd. He may have been acting—he was a professional actor first, after all—but Drake seemed genuinely surprised, or relieved perhaps, that the crowed enjoyed the show.  He saved the monster radio jams for the backhalf of the show, the finale lead-up a suite of unimpeachable chart-toppers; “One Dance,” “Hotline Bling”—including the video’s doofy dancing, which wasn’t that different than the rest of Drake’s dancing, “Fake Love,” “Nice For What”—which may go down as Drake’s greatest pop song, and “In My Feelings.” Arranging those five songs in succession is such a vaunt, a reminder why we all paid so much to be there, why we stuck it out through an interminable hour of Migos.

And then came the fake closer, “I’m Upset.” Look, I love “I’m Upset.” It is hilarious, unintentionally—but maybe not? —and that makes it great. But “I’m Upset” is not a closer, even if everyone present assumes an encore or three is inevitable. Drake mugged his way through the grievance anthem, left the stage, and came back out a minute later to bid us goodnight with what I assume would be a couple more tracks.

The opening synth lines of “God’s Plan” kicked it. The crowd roared. Drake opened his arms in full Jesus Christ/Scott Stapp pose. I could see the finale in my mind. We would all sing along with this jubilant new classic—she say do you love me I tell her only partly I only love my bed and my momma I'm sorry, hahahaha so funny and perfect and petty, so Drake—and then that four-to-the-floor kick/snare would start, each and every one of us suddenly awash in a wave of euphoria as Drake sent us out the doors with “Hold On, We’re Going Home,” quite possibly the greatest pop song of the last decade, an ecstatic moment we would all remember forever, a story to share with our progeny when Drake wins his third Oscar twenty years from now.

But no.

That did not happen.

We got silly to “God’s Plan”—see Drake=God in this equation, and I guess this was church?—and then… the show ended.

Drake and/or his keepers made the confounding, inexcusable decision not to play “Hold On, We’re Going Home.” Of the $151.62 I spent on the ticket, I would say roughly $102. 35 was to see that one song. I do not understand this choice, even a little, especially during a set that featured 16 songs from Scorpion, a record with but four great songs—well, five if we ironically include “I’m Upset.” Okay, six because “Mob Ties” is stupid but a grower. Yet, Drake subbed any of 10 mediocre Scorpion cuts in place of “Hold On.” Come to think of it, he also did not play “Marvins Room.” Or “Passionfruit.” Or “Best I Ever Had,” “Shot For Me,” “Take Care,” “Furthest Thing,” “Legend,” “No Tellin’,” “Back to Back,” “Right Hand,” “Portland,” or “Blem.” Drake had the audacity to karaoke 40 of his own songs and not one of those songs was the song “Feel No Ways.” Hey, Drake, guess what. I’m upset. With you. About this. But not really. But kind of. Eh.

The truth. The truth is that I knew how this show would go, that Drake would lip-sync or not even bother to lip-sync. I knew I would not be satisfied, because satisfaction is not what Drake is for. I knew that Drake could not possibly play all 96 songs of his that I enjoy. I knew he would favor the more recent material because that material is what is getting him paid right now. I knew the cheapest t-shirts would cost $45. I knew that the Migos would suck. I knew all this, but I still chose to pay to be there. I almost always go to shows to be present during them, enjoy them as they’re happening. But with Drake it was different. I paid to be there, not so much to see Drake, but to have seen Drake, to have actively participated in the summer of the year 2018.

A couple nights ago my girlfriend and I were chatting with some her neighbors on their porch, enjoying chilly mason jar margaritas after a long day of oppressive humidity. The conversation inevitably drifted to the topic of recent concerts, as most conversations which include me tend to do since I am unable to speak with a modicum of clarity about much else. The neighbors’ seventh-grade daughter heard me mention that I had recently seen Drake. “Drake… the rapper?” she said, giving me an incredulous look. Rather than dispute this child’s narrow genre classification, I said something like yep, that’s the one. This is all to say, I am now a person who has seen Drake, envy of middle school girls everywhere.

[lil-exist]

Bill x Reader x Richie (Polyamorous Relationship)

*In this one IT never happened. They're just having fun at the quarry lol and this is in the spring time, so they are still in school.

You, Bill, and Richie had been together for a few months now and things were going well. You guys never really told the Losers. It was just a kind of unspoken thing that you three were different together from how you were with all the other Losers. You three would cuddle together whenever you had movie nights and you would always be holding their hands whenever you had the chance.

It was another day at the quarry with the Losers. You quickly took off your clothes, excited to feel the water. You stood next to the others all looking at the water down below, you quickly realized they were all hesitant to jump.

You quickly decided to take actions into your own hands. Literally. You grabbed Bill’s hand and intertwined your fingers. He turned his head towards you and looked into your eyes, giving a nervous smile.

You turned to where Richie was on the other side of Eddie. You grabbed his hand with your left hand and pulled him to stand next to you. You looked into his eyes and smiled brightly, which he returned with a cheeky grin and a wink.

You looked forward towards the water and took a deep breath. You weren’t scared, you were just preparing yourself. You started to run and jump off of the cliff, dragging Bill and Richie with you.

You heard Bill yell “W-WOAH!”, and Richie let out a little shout, as you were throwing your head back laughing and wooing. After you all came up for air, you turned and looked up at the others.

“YOU GUYS GONNA COME DOWN OR WHAT?!” You yelled up to them.

Starting with Mike, they all one by one jumped down and joined you guys.

You all started to have chicken fights. Richie got on Bill’s shoulders.

“Hey dollface! Let’s go!” He said jokingly putting up his fists.

You shook your head at him and laughed. “Okay Tozier, you’re on.” You turned to the others. “HEY! Which one of you fuckers want to help me beat my boyfriends?!” You yelled to get all of their attention.

Everyone stayed silent. You looked at them waiting for an answer. “What?” You asked noticing the way they were looking at you.

“Boyfriends?” Bev replied looking a bit confused.

“Yeah, boyfriends.” You said looking at her and then the rest of them. “Wait did we not tell you guys? Um we’re dating.”

“Who are you dating? You said boyfriends.” Ben asked awkwardly.

“Bill and Richie, we’re in a polyamorous relationship.” You said, a little proud that you finally found a word to call your relationship.

“What does that mean?” Eddie asked looking a bit confused, the word being new to him.

Before you could answer, Stan beat you to it. He was always good with words, especially big ones.

“It means that they are all dating each other.” Stan answered.

“I’m sorry if this all seems weird to you guys, I know this is really uncommon, especially in Derry.” You said feeling a bit embarrassed. If your friends thought it was weird you didn’t know what you would do, these people were the ones you loved the most.

“No! It’s fine! We’re your best friends, we could never judge you guys!” Bev answered with a smile that you could tell was genuine. Mike was nodding along and added, “Yeah! That’s right, we love you guys!”

You let out a breath of relief and smiled gratefully and pulled both of them into a hug. Once you let go you turn to Bill and Richie and smile at them.

“Now, I’m only going to ask one more time. Which one of you fuckers want to help me beat my boyfriends?” You asked with a smirk.

Stan took one look at Richie and stepped forward. You laughed and high-fived him and got on his shoulders. You turned to face Richie.

“You ready?” You asked, whilst stretching your arms.

“I think I should be asking you that sweetheart. You see these muscles? Street Fighter.” He said trying to sound like a tough guy, while cracking his knuckles, and then showing off his ‘big’ muscles.

You shook your head at him, stifling a laugh, and you couldn’t see, but you guessed that Stan was rolling his eyes.

You heard Mike decide that he would be the referee. “Alright gentlemen, and lady, I want a good clean fight.” He said jokingly.

“3, 2, 1, GO!” You heard him say. You and Richie both start pushing each other as you hear the other Losers cheering different teams. Eddie and Bev cheering for you and Stan, and Mike and Ben cheering for Bill and Richie.

You were trying really hard to push him off of Bill, but it was really hard. He started to push you harder and you fell into the water.

You swam up from the water, and gave Stan a hug and then turned to your boyfriends.

“Congratulations.” You said giving each of them a kiss on the cheek, making them pout because they wanted a ‘real kiss’.

After chilling in the water for about an hour longer, you all decided to get out since your fingers were starting to wrinkle.

You, Richie, and Bill were behind all the others as you swam to the other side of the quarry.

Bill at one point stopped swimming to whisper something into Richie’s ear, and after he did Richie nodded at him with a smile.

Before you got out of the water, you were stopped by Bill, who started tickling you. Richie joined in, and you were uncontrollably laughing.

“Hahahaha! GUYS Stop! Hahahaha! Seriously! Hahahaha!” After a minute they stopped and you caught your breath.

“What was that for?” You asked with a big smile.

“F-for p-p-pushing us into the w-water.” He stuttered with a smirk on his face. “N-now we’re even.”

You shook your head at him, "You’re supposed to be the good one! Don’t give him any ideas!” You said pointing at Richie.

Richie raised both his hands up, “I have no clue what you are talking about! I never cause any trouble!” He said, obviously being sarcastic.

You all got out of the water and sat with the others. You were holding their hands and you had your head on Bill’s shoulder, with his head resting on yours, and Richie had his head on your shoulder.

You soon realized that you had to be home soon, since it was a school night. You say goodbye to the other Losers and walk back to where you left your clothes. You can hear them talking in the distance. It sounds like whispers from all the way over here.

Once your dressed you hear footsteps behind you. You see Bill and Richie racing toward you. They quickly put on their clothes and join you by the bikes.

“Oh hey guys, I didn’t know you had a curfew.” You said while looking at them.

“W-we don’t.”

“We just thought we should make sure you get home safely.” Richie finishes for Bill.

“Oh okay.” You said blushing and getting on your bike. You all rode to your house. When you were just outside your house, you got off of your bike and kissed each of them on the lips.

“Goodnight boys! I love you” You waved from your doorstep, then you turned and walked inside. Shutting the door behind you, and then leaning on it and grinning from ear to ear.

You went to bed with a smile on your face that night, happy that you would get see them again at school, which says a lot 'cause…it’s school. You must really love your boys.

Requests are open, because I never get any! Feedback is welcome, and I plan on doing more polyamorous fics coming up because I love every loser in IT.

[blackheartseverywhere]

Vent, If anyone actually cares enough to read.

I haven’t actually done a vent post since I don’t even know when, so here it goes.

This is the post that will literally tell you it all.

When I was growing up I never really understood why my parents didn’t talk, and to be honest to this day I don’t REALLY know the reason. I felt like they should have just divorced, I would literally cry and cry and cry all the time as I rehearsed what I would ever say to them if I ever got the chance to really speak my mind about their relationship and how it effected me. I got a chance once, and I got so mad, sadly it was through a text. I flipped out, and said you know what if you guys are going to be this way, and fight through your kids because you won’t talk, then just split. Move out from the same house, file the paperwork, and just end it. My mother said “you just don’t understand” and “there is more than just that”. I am literally almost in tears just writing about that. 

Whenever my friends brought up my parents I would just say eh, they don’t talk so who knows/cares, to everything. Therapy really got my going about them, and I realized that I had been fucked up for a long time. One time when I began therapy, and my meds and all that fucking shit, my dad basically was like oh yeah its just all his fault and all that bullshit. He didn’t agree at all with my going on meds or seeing someone for help, he still doesn’t agree and its been four years since i started the stressful journey to try and get better. 

In middle school I finally started to find more people I wanted to hang out with and started to smoke and drink. I smoked a hell of a lot in middle school and high school, and I realize now also that I preferred to be high or drunk because I didn’t have these constant depressing thoughts. To this day, I do still like to be high because it is a distraction, whereas when I get drunk I usually cry because all my life issues decide to show themselves at once. 

Middle school is also when I got my first kiss, my first make out session, my first “feel up” hah. Nothing serious. I fell hard for this boy Dan Jackson though, and god what I would give to go back to the days when I was too shy to see his parents, and just didn’t have a single care in the world other than for him. He really did make my life better for the time that we spent together. To be honest, I don’t really know why we broke up the first time that we did. I just know that we tried again in high school, and that is when I fucked up and chose Dakota (we will get to him later). Dan and I just didn’t work out in the end which is okay because he really taught me the most. He taught me that when a boy cares, he really will show it, he will hold your hand and lay in a park of grass with you to do anything, even just watch a worm after his baseball practice.. literally we did that.. that was also the first photo I ever had kissing someone, I wish I still had that.

High school started.. and shit got FUCKED up. From the very start, things were all sorts of messed up and I knew it was gonna be quite the ride. Soccer was great though, literally the only thing that kept me going was soccer. I dated Colin, oh boy, I didn’t really know anything about him other than we went to middle school together and he sat with my best friend Mitch at lunch. Never met him before a pool party that was on his birthday actually, at MaryKates aunts house. I decided that day, at the pool party, that this boy was cute and I kinda liked him a little. Got his number blah blah blah, then we dated for what maybe a week or two??? Then school started and I decided nah this guy is not for me, I thought he kissed bad (literally was his first make out or kiss or whatever so I was a mean person for thinking he kissed bad when he wasn’t experienced yet!) Anyway, we decided to stay friends, and even ended up becoming “best friends” or so we called it. This boy man, he took me for the most wicked (and not in the RI way we say wicked, meaning good, this was wicked like the witch) crazy, far from fun, roller coaster ride of my life. 

I knew he liked me, everyone knew. I just ignored it because I was more concerned about others... leading me to dating Dakota freshmen year. Dakota was awesome, I fell hard for this boy and lost my virginity to him, and he lost his to me. We had fun, well as much fun as you can have when neither of you can drive, you didn’t attend the same school, and his parents didn’t think nicely of you. Really though, we did have a ton of fun. He was always over and my mom and family (minus dad) loved him. He was goofy and literally over a foot taller than me. We broke each others hearts in the end. He really fucked me over though but honestly I don’t even want to think about that. He ended up moving to Arizona sophomore year and boy did I miss him. He told me he would write every day.. I got two letters, one he wrote before leaving and the other was mailed.. oh well. 

Sophomore year was the year that got really all messy. I realized I was boy crazy haha! Just to clear the air to anyone reading by the way, not boy crazy like OMG I was having sex with every boy haahah, I legit just liked a lot of people, and by this time I had only had sex with two people, Dakota and Dan Jackson when we got together after me and Dakota ended. 

As this all happened Colin was always fighting with me, and I was always fighting with him, about every single thing. He knew I was boy crazy and was really mean about it, but hey like I said, he liked me so of course he was gonna be mean ANYWAY. 

Then Casey came into my life. This happened in like February or March I believe. I remember Pat was away on vacation, Pat was a mutual friend we both hung with, I always was with Pat getting food or ice cream or whatever, he was my best friend, other than CoCo aka Colin. Casey and I had started to text, honestly not sure how. We decided to meet up and get breakfast, we went to the handy and i literally remember I got a bagel with cream cheese, and that he looked like something I wanted to eat more than that bagel.. and my ass legit to this day, eats a bagel with cream cheese most days!  Goddddd, I legit was like holy fuck, this boy is who I want to last. He was AMAZING, every thing I ever wanted. (Colin was ticked because it was his friend!!! hahahaha) I was sooo happy for the couple months I got to spend with this boy. I never had all the bad thoughts about my entire life while I was around him. He took my breath away, he made me feel pretty, he kissed me in the hallway after school for everyone to see. I was literally love struck. Never did we say we loved each other, because it wasn’t love just yet. We were just really happy together. 

Spring break came. I was going on a school trip to Costa Rica, Casey sadly was not coming, but Colin was. Casey and I met up before I had to go to Rogers to meet the bus for midnight. Casey has just gotten his license not too long before so he picked me up and we went for a drive, happiest most amazing most exciting (in my pants, sadly no full on sex on that ride haahah just a lot of touching) car ride ever. Then he kissed me so sweetly goodnight and it was that night, that, that fucking night, that  I had my last kiss with Casey Harrington. If i knew that I would have changed how everything went down following that kiss, and that week that was coming. 

In Costa Rica Colin kept trying to get with me, he knew I was with Casey, and mind you he had a girlfriend! A girl on the trip made a phone call home and low and behold it got to Casey that Colin and I were hooking up.. WE WERE NOT. Shit was all fucked up now, I confronted the girl and basically was like FUCK YOU, YOU LYING FUCK. This trip was the first time Colin saw me cry, and it was because things were over now and I could not change it all the way in Costa Rica. I cried for real, and he cried also, though I bet he would deny that. We kissed that night and decided well, if they think we hooked up fuck it. WE DID NOT HAVE SEX  we made out. THAT IS ALL. MADE OUT. 

I got home to a lot of mean messages from more than one person. I had Colin and I had Pat ( and Steph, she was there through all of this though we had a rough patch about Dakota...). I was a mess, I missed Casey, and told Colin I was going to try to get him back. It didn’t work, although once I saw him out and he kissed me right on the fore head and told me he was sorry and regretted not taking me to prom.. I almost cried in front of the world that night. 

I got with Colin. We ended up dating. He was fucked up, and I was fucked up. Mentally. We fought all the time, literally allll the time. But people loved us together and always were saying they knew we would date, and probably get married one day. FUCK NO. I was in the midst of literally breaking down all the time, and I definitely became depressed during this relationship. I do not blame my depression fully on Colin but some of it was him. We were on and off, and really happy at times. We went out on dates, my family loved him (again minus my dad). His family definitely didn’t like my shyness but oh well. 

In the end we broke up after Junior year, he talked shit to all my guy friends about me. They all stopped talking to me. Until after high school when most stopped caring and we became acquaintances again. Colin told everyone I was a “dead fish” and well to him I just never wanted to be on top during sex. He legit made me feel bad about myself. Why would I want to do something where he could again, judge me. Literally, he made me never ever want to be on top, he ruined my self esteem and made me hate myself more than I already did.

We were both fucked up and nuts. He hated me and I hated him. But we were so in love with each other at the same time. This summer my dog passed away, I got into my first car accident, got my first speeding ticket. Then I beat a girl up because they hooked up, and he got out of my car because of a boy I was hooking up with to go punch him in the face... literally nuts. 

I spent my entire, ENTIRE, summer before senior year, drunk as hell. Me and Taylor, and then Danny G came into the crew. Danny and I started hooking up, I took his virginity, we were both a bit drunk that night, but we kept hooking up, even sober hhaha. Danny and I kept things up and were together all the time, either at my house or Steph’s or his or just in the car, for the whole summer and a little more after summer. Sadly one day I decided i still kinda felt for Colin and that didn’t sit well with him, I still feel bad about that. 

God, I was so fucked up. Between my parent’s hating each other, Colin and I hating each other, and me realizing that I was insane, I was depressed and full of fucking rage! Soccer started and I was happy again, I got my anger out through the sport. The breakfast club began when Soccer did and that saved my life. We were high all the time, and drunk most weekends. We threw parties and we just raged like best friends did. Mary, Laura, Lily, Mattea, and Myself. I would never change the friendship we all had together for anything. Ups and downs. Those girls had my back. We all were boy crazy and we all had fun. I was definitely still relying on weed and alcohol though. I was back to crying all the time, every night, just sad and literally wishing I was dead. 

Colin was in a few of my classes to start senior year, and I was not happy but whatever I dealt with it, and we just kept away. He started being a complete dick after a few months in. He would flick me off every day and just literally be RUDE AS FUCK to me. I had to ignore it and just act like it didn’t bother me.

Cocaine came into my life senior year, I fucking loved it. I didn’t do it too much, just when there were big parties or there were dances. I loved it, but like I said nothing crazy came from that. (I mean I am still alive and not addicted to drugs or anything so I am doing well even though I am a depressed mess.)

I got with Shane around Christmas.. he doesn’t matter though, he cheated on me. I just loved that he would buy me alcohol. LOL

I went to college the next year. I started soccer at Salve, and welp, I quit. I fucked myself over and literally RUINED my life. I regret that. Quitting soccer and going on that Costa Rica trip, those are the two regrets I have in life. 

Days are passing and Dan V. comes into my life. We fall soooo hard for each other. I left Salve for two reasons. One I wanted to see Dan more, so URI it was. And two, I could not take the pain of seeing the soccer girls, and knowing, how fucking bad I fucked up.  Dan made/makes me so happy. He is always there and never made me feel bad about myself or self conscious about sex or anything like Colin did. 

Fast forward to the end of Freshman year. I failed all but one class, and got kicked out of college. I was so fucking fucked up about this. I cried and said I would never go back. But dad and I wrote that letter to appeal it. I got back in following the medical tests I decided to go through with to see wtf was happening to me. 

I had gotten all the medical testing done, I was diagnosed with, extreme depression, chronic anxiety, ADHD, and my Auditory processing speed was below 95% of my peers. I realized that day, when I read that packet and I cried in my car that I really did need help. 

Now jump to the middle of Sophomore year of college.

I went to therapy, I got the meds, I did it all.

Nothing fucking changed.

I wanted to die.

I got drunk EVERY SINGLE day.

I barley ate, and I really only wanted to go to the gym. 

I got skinny. Too skinny at one point.

But fuck it right???

Senior year of College, aka my Super Senior year, I went back to Coke a little bit, and did it a lot more than before but still I was not addicted just trying to forget shit and be happy. I got drunk again, every single day, and just did not give two fucks about anything. 

Now here I am. 23, I made it out of college even while I was and still am depressed. I am going back to school at PC, even though I have a BA in English and a MA cert in TEFL. 

I am still insanely depressed and it is getting so so so bad again. I can’t seem to sleep. My migraines are getting intense, and happening DAILY. I still have Dan by my side and I am so thankful for him. But man, I honestly just wish I killed myself way back then. I still pray that one day things will get easier for me, and that I will beat depression, and I will just not have anxiety. That won’t ever happen though. 

I just need things to look up for me. But I guess I need to be able to look up also for that to happen. 

As you can see, I was completely boy crazy. I was overly in love at some points, mostly with Colin. I was bat shit crazy because I was depressed and for the longest time did not know it. 

[kaffblow]

This everything is in my head. I can be whatever I want cuz it is a dream indeed. And when I wake up I'll be home. In real world. In hospital. I'm in coma. And this is a dream. Just a dream. I can never wake up. This world is an infinite reality my brain made up for me to hide. And now it's dying. And I want to die and to live and to perish and fuck everything. Fuck you. Fuck everything. Fuck yall. Good bye. Goodnight everyone. The dream's going to be over. But I can be whatever I want and do whatever I want. I can jump off the window. I can fly. I can cut myself into pieces and be there HAHAHAHA. But I cannot understand a film duh. I have questions but i dont want answers I want to be alive and dead. Vanish my brain. VANISH

[queenrhenpendragon]

A Matter of Preference (In Pieces 2)

A collection of oneshots wherein Rhen Pendragon and Dameon Maurva fall in love. Also posted on fanfiction.net and Aveyond.com.:)

This short happens shortly (hahahaha) after Dameon joins Rhen's party. They are returning to Ghed'ahre to recruit Te'ijal into their group, having obtained sunscreen, but before they get there it starts to get dark and they have to camp in the Wildwoods.

"This looks like a good place to camp," the sword singer said, motioning at a flat space slightly sheltered by a few tall pine trees.

The green-haired one wrinkled his nose. "It looks lumpy."

Rhen rolled her eyes and explained to Dameon, "Lars always thinks that." Dameon nodded understandingly and privately thought that the sorcerer's antics were likely to become annoying very quickly.

The sword singer turned to their other companion. "Elini, why don't we—"

"I am not gathering firewood again!" the Veldtonian woman declared. "I get splinters and they make it difficult to do my summonings. I will set up the sleeping mats. You two can get the wood."

"Er... Okay," the chosen one said. Dameon noticed that a blush had bloomed across her face, stretching over her nose and touching the edges of each ear. It was very charming and he couldn't help smiling at her. She didn't notice because she was stubbornly looking at the ground.

"I'll light the fire once you're done," Lars volunteered, apparently feeling he was making a great sacrifice in doing so. Dameon rolled his eyes, but said in what he meant to be a polite tone, "Of course."

"We'll have to go deeper into the trees," Rhen was saying to him, already walking that way herself.

"I have camped before, you know," he said as he followed her into the woods, a little peeved at her apparent lack of faith in his abilities to do anything. Earlier she had cut down a crow that was coming his way, and at lunch she had ripped off his piece of bread for him.

She turned back to face him and suddenly all he could see were wide, sad violet eyes which were staring straight through him. He dropped his gaze, feeling ashamed for he didn't know what, and mumbled in a flustered sort of way, "Sorry, m'lady."

"I... am sorry, too," she said. "I guess I'm just used to having to take care of everyone."

Her nose was pink again and it was so adorable that he forgot to be uncomfortable. "No more, sword singer," he assured her. "I will pull my own weight." To prove it, he picked up a stick. "See, I am contributing already."

She smiled, just slightly, and Dameon realized the strangest thing. He had just made a joke. Albeit not a good one, but he hadn't even heard a joke since... since his father… since that day. He wasn't sure how to feel, but he was sure he shouldn't feel lightheaded and nervous. What was happening to him?

They didn't speak much after that, except to point out bunches of sticks to each other. Once he moved a particularly low-hanging branch out of her way, and her shoulder brushed his hand as she passed. He felt his ears get hot and he silently thanked the darkness of the forest.

He had fully intended to hate her. But she was so sincere, so entirely herself. She spoke as she thought and was so open that instead of disliking her he found that he was rapidly opening up to her. And that was both exciting and terrifying.

When they had both filled their arms with sticks of varying sizes, they returned to the campground. Lars started the fire and Rhen passed out hunks of meat. Everyone reached for a thin stick to roast their dinner on, and Dameon did likewise. Nobody spoke.

Everyone's meat was soon sizzling over the flames. The smoke rose straight up into the sky—the slight breeze wasn't enough to drive it into anyone's face. And over the smoke, the sky was clear and starry.

"The weather is nice," Dameon observed conversationally, then quietly cursed himself for making such a dull comment.

"Mmgdh," Elini said, but she wasn't responding to him. She was trying to bite off a piece of practically raw meat. Dameon was shocked and a little disgusted, but he quickly turned back to the fire.

"Elini likes her meat rare," Rhen explained.

"Mmpft" Elini said, having successfully taken a bite.

"I also prefer my meat rare. Anything more done is dog food," Lars said haughtily. Then, his meat caught on fire.

"Arrgh!" he squealed, beating his now blackened meat against the ground beside him until sparks stopped flying from it. "Blasted flames! Every time..."

Dameon smiled slightly, a little amused, then turned to Rhen. "And how do you like your meat?"

"Er," she looked at the ground, "Medium. But I can never get it right."

"Why not?"

"I, er, never really learned..." she trailed off.

Dameon stared at her, but instead of seeing her he saw a lock of purple hair from a slave dealer, purple, not red, and he thought of her thin form curled in the dirty lower decks of a slave ship, or bent beneath a heavy burden, or flinching under— under—

He shuddered.

"I am... sorry, sword singer."

She smiled thinly. "That's all right. I'm sure I'll get it eventually."

He couldn't tell her what he had meant. Instead, he reached for her stick. "Let me try."

"O—kay," she said, looking surprised but letting him take it. "Er, where did you learn to cook?"

"I—" he swallowed, and said carefully, "lived alone, for some time." He turned her stick and moved it farther from the fire.

"Oh," she said, and looked down, apparently embarrassed.

"Couldn't you just eat in Teacup Town?" Lars said with a roll of his eyes.

Dameon drew his eyebrows together, unsure how to respond. "They're cats..."

Lars shrugged. "So?"

"They eat cat food."

Suddenly Lars smiled viciously. "It sounds perfect for Peta then."

Dameon was confused. Did they have a dog? He hadn't seen one.

"Don't call me that," Rhen growled, and Dameon realized what was going on. He frowned at the sorcerer, but Lars hardly noticed and continued to smirk.

"Ahh," Elini sighed contentedly, apparently having finished her meat. "That's it for me, sword singer... Sun priest... sorcerer..." She inclined her head at each in turn. "I will retire now. Goodnight, northerners."

"Goodnight Elini," Rhen said.

"I'm going to bed too," Lars said, tossing the rest of his burnt meat into the flames. "Don't forget to put out the fire."

Rhen sighed. "We won't."

Then it was just the two of them under the stars. He should say something. He should try to bring up the finer points of Ahriman's plan, slowly reveal the truth to her. His mouth was open but nothing was coming out. What was wrong with him? Her eyes were so purple, violently purple, like storm clouds whirling through a night sky, sometimes pouring down destruction, otherwise softly calling to the tiny growing things beneath the soil. He felt he couldn't look at them for too long or he would be swallowed up, lost, destroyed— yet he couldn't look away.

He wanted to say something witty and charming. He wanted her to blush again. Blushing suited her, made her silly little nose look more adorable, made her eyes stand out twice as much—

He realized then that she was blushing, though he hadn't said anything at all.

"What are you looking at?" she asked, self-consciously moving a piece of hair out of her face.

Embarrassed, he quickly looked away, then cleared his throat awkwardly. "Your dinner is done, sword singer." He handed her the stick, carefully keeping his eyes down.

He heard her chomping down on the meat, sucking up the juices like a starved animal. She was certainly not an elegant eater, but he thought it was fitting. She had no pretensions about herself, why should she have any for her meal? Without noticing, he raised his gaze to look at her, and was a little surprised to see she had already finished half her food.

She caught his eye, and said, perhaps a little shyly, "It's very good, thank you."

"Is it?" He said, more excitedly than he had meant to. "I am very glad." And he was very glad, which was very strange, and he hesitated a little and then added, "It is a pleasure to cook for you."

She smiled, a real smile, and it was infinitely more becoming than the blush.

______________________

Previous ......... Next (A Hairy Problem)

[christinamirabilis]

Question thingy for the lolz cos I’m procrastinating study.

Are you good at apologizing? Yeah, probably too good. But yeah tbh I’m good at owning my shit.

Do you prefer your looks or personality? That’s a hard one cos I have a face like a dropped pie but I am also an objectively terrible person, so, like, what a choice! Haha. No but I don’t think I’m good looking, so… personality I guess? Or my boobs.

Are you confident? Depends on the situation.

What are you most confident about yourself? I have the best tits in the Southern Hemisphere.

Name a song that reminds you of someone, and who it reminds you of: Goodnight Moon by Go Radio, always reminds me of Sophie because it’s one of her favourite songs. And it gets stuck in my head every time I see a copy of that book at work.

What is your favourite colour combination? Idk man.

Define your “aesthetic”: I really don’t know like I don’t have the money or the figure to pull off the kind of aesthetic I’d like. Plus I don’t know because there are so many things, idk, probably a combination of soft goth and hippie with a strong femme lesbian undertone.

What is sex to you? Making each other cum.

Do you have any kinks? What are they? Yes.

What are some of your biggest pet peeves? People with bad manners, particularly customers. And slow drivers.

What’s something that automatically turns you off of other people? I can’t think of a blanket thing in general but like on Tinder, people who have their profiles written in atrocious 2000s-era text speak are an automatic swipe left. Because with autocorrect these days, you have to be doing that very deliberately.

What song always makes you sad/emotional? Hope There’s Someone by Anohni, Goodbye by Apparat/Soap & Skin, Wake by The Antlers, Sister by City And Colour, Vale Decem (lmao), Sparklehorse’s cover of Wish You Were Here, Heart Of Gold by Neil Young… there’s probably more but I can’t think of them right now.  Some of them because sad songs, some of them because associations, you know?

How many people have you dated? How many of them do you still have feelings for?  I guess like the only people I would count as having properly dated, four?  I still have feelings for one of them.

How are you with moving on?  Hahahahahahahahaha.

What’s a philosophy you agree with, but fail to live by?  Tbh I can’t think of any right now but I’m sure there are lots because I am objectively the worst.  Probably something about thinking good thoughts about other people and not being judgmental or something lmao.

What’s something you don’t like about yourself?  That I have zero self control when it comes to making myself do things I don’t want to do but which I know will be good for me.

What’s something positive happening in your life right now?  I feel like I am on the edge of something, and it could be really good, and I just have to push myself forward, you know?  But I have to be less reliant on other people if I’m going to succeed. I don’t know, that’s vague.  I feel like I am on the precipice of change, positive change, becoming the person that I want to be and that I have ached to be for my whole life.  But it’s scary and hard and I just have to face that fear and feel it and do it anyway.

Are you truly able to admit your faults in relationships to yourself?  Yeah, I’m pretty self-aware I think.  At least, I like to think I am.

Is it important to you to be a good person?  Yeah I try to be.

Are you a good person? I don’t know, I always have good intentions but I don’t know how well I pull it off.

How could you become a better person?  Being a better friend.  Being kinder, to myself and to others.  Being more positive and less sarcastic.  Actually fucking getting shit done.  I don’t know.

Would/have you ever pierced your genitalia?  No, and no.

Have you ever been in love? If so, with how many people?  Yes.  I would say technically with two people, but the first one doesn’t feel real compared to the second one, I can barely remember how that felt, because everything else is background noise, you know?

Do you believe in love at first sight?  I don’t think so, maybe it’s possible but honestly I don’t know how you can fall in love with someone you don’t know.

Which social science interests you more; psychology (how the mind effects a person), sociology (how society affects a people) or anthropology (learning about culture)? Why? Psychology, obviously, because it’s what I study and what I want to do for a living.

Have you ever orgasmed?  Lmao I had like eight orgasms last night alone, and that was the fourth time I’d had sex in 24 hours hahahahahahha.

Have you ever made someone else orgasm?  See above.

During sexual interaction, what is the most important thing to you?  That the other person is enjoying themselves, I love to please.

Are you comfortable being sexual with lots of people?  That’s a vague question.  Do I have a problem with people who have had lots of sexual partners? Not in the slightest.  Would I be comfortable ever having a high number of historical sexual partners?  I don’t see why I would.  Am I comfortable having several sexual partners at the same time?  Not really.  I’m really quite conservative and traditional when it comes to relationships, like I am really a one-person girl, and I want love and commitment and companionship and all of the stuff that comes with a monogamous relationship.  I just happen to want to do that stuff with women hahaha.

How do you usually get people to be interested in terms of romantic relationships? And sexual relationships? And platonic relationships?  I don’t know like honestly it just happens?  If you click with someone, you click with them.  If you don’t, then there’s no point trying to force it!  Romantic relationships, idk, I’m terrible at meeting people IRL, nearly everyone I have ever dated or slept with or anything, I met on Tinder or OkCupid.  As a queer girl, it’s a lot easier than trying to figure out if another girl is attracted to girls, even - sadly - in one of the two gay bars in Wellington, and I’m shy, so it’s easier to talk to someone that way first.  And I just choose to be who I am.  Same with platonic relationships, it just happens, you know?

What’s your favourite song to sing along to?  I don’t know, I have so many!  Usually something that has nice melodies that I can easily harmonise with, because harmonising is one of my favourite things to do.  I do go through stages of listening to one song a lot while I’m getting ready in the mornings, and it’s usually something I can sing along to. But honestly I’ll sing to anything. I have been known to sing along to instrumental music lmao.

What’s some “embarrassing” music you listen to?  Music that is undeniably country, in spite of my continued insistence that I hate country music, it has really just kind of devolved from listening to indie folk with a very slight country flavour, to musicians that self-identify as country artists hahahaha.  But to be fair, it’s not “hard” country, like it is really still more indie folk than country.  But maybe I’m trying to justify it.  Also Sophie’s terrible taste in mid-2000s emo music has definitely rubbed off on me hahahahaha.

What are you most snobby/pretentious about?  Oooh I don’t know, actually probably music to be honest.  I’m a lot more relaxed than I used to be about it, but there is some music that I just think is terrible.  But the difference is that I respect others’ right to listen to the music that they like, and accept that it isn’t a reflection of their intelligence or whatever, unlike when I was younger and more of an asshole lmao.

How do you express sad emotions? And happy emotions?  I don’t know man, like, I am a talker.  I gotta talk about that shit with someone.  I guess because I never used to, always used to hold it in, now I just like telling people shit if I’m comfortable with them?  It has got me in trouble before though when I’ve shared something with people, not realising that the other person to whom the information pertains is not necessarily as comfortable sharing stuff as I am.  So I have had to learn to be careful with that.  But yeah, talking about it is the main thing!

Do you use Skype? Facetime?  I use Skype for therapy sometimes, if I’m working during the times that my therapist is in the city.  Facetime, not really.

How do you feel about phone calls?  They’re fine.

How do you feel about texting?  It’s fine but I prefer to use Facebook Messenger, it’s my favourite way of communicating.

What are your thoughts on LDRs?  I think they would be really hard and I applaud anyone who is able to make it work. I haven’t been in that situation so I don’t know how I would do with it, but for the right person I would make it work. I would have no problem not cheating on the person, but goddamn I don’t know how I would cope with missing them so much, especially since I am a student so it’s really hard for me to afford to go and visit the person, and especially if they’re really far away, or it will be long-distance for an indefinite amount of time.  Idk, this is something I have thought about quite a bit, since it was a very real possibility with Sophie.  I could do it, but I’d definitely prefer not to have to be long-distance!

Have you ever cried over a piece of visual art? What was it of? Why do you think it made you cry? I don’t think so?  I have cried over a lot of movies.

When and why was the last time you cried?  Last Thursday, during therapy.

What’s something you love that you never do anymore? Why don’t you do it?  Singing in choir!  God I miss it.  But I’m too old for the youth choir this year, and I was too scared to audition for the yo pro choir since I didn’t get in last year.  I mean, I had a much better chance of getting in this year. But also I didn’t audition because I know I won’t have time to do choir this year.  Or orchestra either, so I’m going to really miss doing musical stuff, but I really really need to concentrate on my studies.

Are you afraid to die? Yes.  Ironically, given how many times I’ve tried to kill myself hahahaha. But yes, I am afraid of dying - being in pain, being alone, being scared, and the nothingness that will most likely follow.  I can’t imagine nothing, and that scares me.  But I’m much more scared of my loved ones dying than I am of dying myself. Ideally we’d all get taken out by a massive meteor impact or nuclear bomb or something, so we all die together and it kind of just happens hahahaha.

If there were no limits; who and what would you be?  God, I don’t know.  Maybe my original plan of being a film composer, win a bunch of Oscars, become a household name more recognisable than John Williams or Hans Zimmer.  Or maybe being a good enough musician that I could make a living off it - I have always wanted to be in a band, either an indie folk band where I can play violin and sing backing harmonies, or another kind of band where I can play piano/keyboards and vox.  Or I would succeed on the track I am on now, succeed in becoming a child and youth clinical psychologist - maybe take it further, do some cutting-edge research that is game-changing, revolutionises the treatment of mental illness, maybe a Nobel prize or something hahaha.  But I don’t know, if I could choose anything, I don’t honestly know what I would choose. In any case, I would be much more disciplined.  I’d be happier, healthier, kinder, better… I don’t know.  

Are you more likely to be sub or dom during sex?  I’m really very versatile and enjoy both roles.  I always thought I was much more submissive, but I have come to learn that I love being dominant too, so I really don’t mind if the person I am having sex with has a strong preference for one role over the other.  But my ideal sex is when both of us take both roles, switching I guess?  Is that what it’s called?  I’m not really up with the terminology.  Anyway, that.

Describe your fashion sense.  “Does this actually fit me?  Does it accentuate how fat I am or does it disguise it a bit?  Does it make my boobs look good?  Can I afford it?”

Do you have stage fright?  Not as bad as I used to, but then again, I don’t do things that make me the same level of uncomfortable as I had to when I was, like, in school or whatever haha. When I’m performing music, it’s always in a group setting, which is how I’ve always preferred to make music - I have always hated performing solo, even for exams, so yeah.  I want to perform at the next poetry slam, and that scares the shit out of me, and I don’t know how I’m going to cope with it.  But I want to, so I’m going to do my best.

Did/do you ever put your hand up in class?  Yeah, if I’m sure I know the answer and I’m not going to embarrass myself lmao. I occasionally ask questions too, idk.

Are you more of an open or closed person?  I used to be a very very closed person.  Now I think I’m probably more open than closed.

What’s the worst thing that ever happened to you? And the best?  I want to say that the worst thing that ever happened to me was either being sectioned to the psych ward, or nearly dying - but both of those events, as well as all the other awful things that have ever happened to me, were the culmination of instances of abuse that happened to me as a child, so I guess that was the worst thing that ever happened to me. The best thing that ever happened to me is hard to say.  I think maybe finally coming to terms with and being open about my sexuality has been very liberating for me?  I don’t know.

Are you a theist (Not necessarily in the way of “guy in the sky”, maybe just believing in any higher power)?  No. I used to be in my early teens, but not anymore.  I mean, the scientist in me doesn’t want to rule out the possibility of a higher power, because there is no definitive proof that such a thing doesn’t exist, but I think that it is very very unlikely.  Plus I don’t really want to subscribe to any kind of organised religion, since it has been used to hurt me and people like me in the past - at the level of both at a minority group that I am a part of, and of being targeted personally.  So, yeah. Not inclined towards theism for that reason alone.

What are your top three places you’d like to travel and why?  Ohhhh man please don’t ask me to narrow it down!!!  I want to go literally everywhere.  But three places that come to mind are: Iceland, because it’s beautiful and lots of my favourite musicians are from there and I want to see the northern lights and visit the hot springs; Thailand/Vietnam/South-east Asia in general, because everyone tells me how amazing and beautiful and cheap it is to visit hahaha; somewhere with amazing beaches like probably somewhere tropical where I can go scuba diving and sunbathe on the beach and drink cocktails and shit idk like Mauritius or somewhere else tropical, or maybe Rio during Carnaval, somewhere where there’s lots of gays, or Mediterranean Europe idk anyway I want to go to all the places.

What’s something you thought would be really scary/bad, but was actually fine when it happened/you did it?  Oh gosh, I don’t know!  Probably learning to drive my scooter, which is why I should really learn to drive a goddamn car because it will be fine and I don’t know why I’m so terrified.

When you sleep at friends’ houses, how often do you sleep in their bed?  Pretty much always?  I mean, I don’t often stay over with people who I’m not, like, dating or whatever, but like when I go to visit friends in other cities, I normally share a bed with them, because why not?

Can you sleep facing someone?  Yeah but like I tend to turn over a bit in my sleep (I sleep on my side) so sometimes I’ll face them and sometimes I won’t.  I’m not really able to sleep while cuddling someone though like I absolutely love sleeping in the same bed as my significant other, but I can’t really sleep entangled with them, if that makes sense?  I’ve dated people who used to get really offended when I had to eventually extricate myself from them lmao.  Dating someone who is the same as me is always perfect because neither of us gets offended when the other needs to pull away to go to sleep.

Do you ever get in slumps? If so; how often, and how long do they usually last for?  Yeah, and it varies.

Do you like being alone?  I enjoy spending time in my own company, but I don’t like to be alone for long periods of time, and I don’t like to be lonely at all.

Are you social? Same as above, I enjoy my own company, but I love spending time with people as well.  I’m introverted in that I need a certain amount of alone time in order to stay sane, that is probably a bit higher than the average person, but I also need a certain amount of time with other people otherwise I get sad and lonely.  It just needs to be with certain people who I care about and feel comfortable with, or it just makes me feel worse.

How do you feel about parties?  I like parties, when I feel comfortable there, I have to be with one or more people that I like and trust though.

Have you ever hosted a party? How did it go?  Kind of, I hosted a couple with Sophie at her house, they went great!  Oh and we had one in our flat when I lived with Sami and Olivia, it went okay I think?

What question(s) do you love to ask people?  I don’t really know!  Anything, I love hearing details about people.  I like asking personal questions but I also don’t like to overstep boundaries and make people uncomfortable, so I have to be sure that they’re okay with those questions.  But yeah, I like knowing personal shit about people, it makes me feel closer to them obviously.  And I like hearing about the kind of music and film and tv that people enjoy, I don’t know.

What question(s) do you love being asked?  The same, I feel like sharing any details about yourself with someone brings you closer together.  I’m pretty open about the fact that I live with mental illness, since it has really shaped the person I have become and the priorities I have, and I don’t think it’s shameful, but I tend to share anything but general details only with people I am comfortable with.  Unless it’s to ~1000 strangers on Tumblr hahahaha.

Are you confrontational? Does it make you uncomfortable when others are?  Not in the sense that I like to get all up in someone’s grill or whatever, but I also very much do not like to avoid confrontation if it needs to happen?  Like, if we need to have an argument, because there are some bad feelings between us, that’s so much more preferable to just letting that shit stew and becoming more and more resentful???  It’s not healthy.  It’s much better to just get it all out there, talk about it and own your shit and validate each other’s feelings and then move past it.  I’m not a grudge-holder, once I’ve said my piece and the other person knows how I feel, I’m fine.  But communication is so very important for a healthy relationship of any kind, not just romantic relationships, so in that sense, I definitely prefer confrontation.