#gosh its been months since I draw digitally @.@

[marwhoa]

request: hi hil! I read your work and it was amazing! I was hoping you would write the rise boys with a vigilante s/o? (Gn) but the boys don't know that yet and one day s/o is fighting the foot or someone, you decide, then their turtle bf shows up and helps them. S/o forgot they were in costume for a minute before running to their turtle in shining shell and kissing them, so it turns into a whole thing and s/o unmasks themself, how do the boys react??

🝮 “ violet virus ”

rise!donnie x vigilante!g/n

author’s note: eeee !! Gosh I’ve been meaning to post for months, but multiple x readers always stump me. I like making each a completely different story, and sometimes that ends up with me writing waaaay too much. So! I separated this one into a solo. Raph Mikey and Leo will be their own post since I imagine they’ll be much shorter… unless I’m a little freak again and write too much 😭😭. Sheldon’s speech will be the same color as Donnie’s but in italics :))

word count: 4.5k

“ I don’t understand why you won’t disclose this information, Shelldon. ”

Grumbles the turtle clad in purple as he sits on the floor of his lab. Tools are strewn around within reaching distance, framing him, Shelldon, and the computer plugged into the robot boy. The screen displayed a long history of access points to Shelldon’s database—none of which Donnie had the clearance for.

Odd.

A little sigh plays from the little bot’s speakers as his digital eyes shift elsewhere.

“ The information you seek is, like, confidential, dude! ”

“ Whuh—not only are you keeping secrets from your father, but you would even ‘dude’ your own father?! Poppycock! ”

Frustrated, Donnie throws his hands in the air, eyes fixated on the display screen. Error sounds growled through the computer’s speakers each time his program attempted to break through its encryption.

Just who could write an encryption code that could thwart even Donnie?

“ It just makes no sense. As not only your father but also creator, I should have complete access to any and all of your databases. Is this a rebellious development, update 1.2?! ”

Shelldon rolls over, groaning out in annoyance. He couldn’t just flat-out tell him, “ oh papà! you mustn’t worry, i am only hiding the identity of a certain vigilante you’ve yet to encounter! “, no, no, that would be absurd.

That would be a betrayal to you, Donnie’s kindhearted significant other who just couldn’t stand for the Purple Dragons’ treatment towards your dearest darling dear. I mean, what partner would stand on the sidelines as a measly cheerleader in the face of someone daring to disrespect YOUR boyfriend? Quite literally the smartest man alive (probably)?

It didn’t help your case that you were pretty powerless, aside from some scrounged-up determination, a pinch of courage, and a heavy dosage of computer expertise. Nothing up to par with Donnie, but it was remarkable by human’s standards. Combine that with the help of a sentient robot named Shelldon, and you were a force to stand on equal footing with that malicious group of super-nerd-punks.

Watching Donnie writhe with frustration, Shelldon can’t help but hope his walls were stronger than his father’s.

“ Maybe it’s nothing to worry about, bro, let’s just—“

“ Nothing to worry about—/nothing to worry about/— oh, it’s nothing to worry about, he says! “

A ding resonating from Shelldon draws Donnie’s attention for a second. His frustration churns, flashing into curiosity. It seems as though some sort of distress message has came through, but with a chime unlike what he’s programmed. Donnie drops his head with a laughter akin to a parent reaching their breaking point.

“ Oh-ho-ho, dear son of mine, ”

Mouth open, ready to retort with a snarky tone, Donnie raises his head up but holds his tongue at the sight.

An uncharacteristic silence blankets the robot-boy. Shelldon’s eyes begin to flicker until they beam with deep, velvety-purple hue.

Donnie flinches, shielding his eyes from the bright LEDs as he pointed and snapped his fingers.

“ AH-HAH! See, I knew it. This IS a problem! ”

Shelldon rises to his feet and turns robotically before then breaking into a brisk sprint. The cord plugged into him snatches the laptop a few feet before it ultimately yanks from Shelldon’s socket. Before Donnie could call him to return, his son shifts to quite literally propelling himself out of the lair from the rocket launchers in his feet.

Coughing and waving away the residual smoke, Donnie squints at Shelldon’s rapidly disappearing silhouette. He groans exasperatedly as his hands pull at nonexistent hair.

“ Damn it, I knew he wasn’t old enough to have those installed, Shelldon!! ”

Grabbing his tech-bo, Donnie wasted no time in following right after him.

——-

While your poor partner-in-crime found himself under his father’s interrogation, you are none-the-wiser as your fingers skirt across a keyboard. Your purple gloves whir quietly as they accelerate the computer’s performance—the faster you get out, the better. The display’s light shone on your outfit, one befitting a vigilante’s need for secrecy. Your hair was held back by a bandana while your face was obscured by a half-mask from the bridge of your nose to your jaw. A pair of glasses rested upon it with a little purple ‘ D ‘ logo in the corner.

A long sleeve turtle neck covered your arms and torso with angular purple lines following the underside of your arms and down your sides, tucked into a pair of sweatpants with a drawstring waist. The pants tucked into a sturdy pair of boots, all matching with black and purple. If the light caught you in the right way though, then the faintest detail of smaller purple embellishment akin to the lines running along a modem board would shimmer.

That was a detail you were most proud of, albeit purely cosmetic.

But never mind that, you manage to squirrel your way into a hub room of sorts with large metal cabinets filled to the brim with wirings, likely powering the entire lair. The floor occasionally lit up with the rush of purple LED lights pulsing through thin indents on the floor. You didn’t know what information they carried or to where, but that was not your current concern.

“ Alright, Dragons, what are you looking for with the OKE YX23 system’s blueprints… ”

You whisper to yourself. As streams of data rapidly scroll across the screens, you soak it all up through a pair of modified glasses. They accelerate your comprehension and store databases chock full of what you saw in seconds. It was a neat gadget born of your own genius, albeit with just a bit of help from your beloved Donnie.

“ Supersuits? Why super… ”

Squinting, you slow your feverish typing pace and pinch your fingers on the projected hologram to zoom in and section off a few documents. Blueprints upon blueprints flood your senses, designs for all types of suits, each fully equipped for specific situations calling for varying levels of strength, agility, dexterity, and more. A few documents even detail their uses, discussing ideal fantasies of potential war use.

“ No… No way! This is.. I have to send all this data over to Shelldon. ”

Removing your glasses, you tap the shell icon at the top corner of the left lens to send it all to your partner in crime, Shelldon. As a low chime resonates from the glasses, confirming a successful message delivered, you stare at the purple D logo. Your thumb strokes it fondly as you purse your lips in contemplation.

“ Once I’m done with these dragons, maybe… Maybe it’s time to tell him who I am.. ”

You idle for a moment, your free hand balling in and out of a fist beside you. Wracking your head for answers, your thumb began to stroke the pad of your folded index finger as a sort of grounding measure.

“ … For now, I’ll put a pin in that, I need to figure out how to get out of here. ”

As you shift away from the computer to head out, a loud clanging of the door being forced shut in front of you was enough to set off alarms in your head. Paling, you click your boot’s heel against the cold metal floor a few times. There, you had planted one of your small gadgets to allow quick and easy hacking. It was an attempt to connect and override the system to get the door open, but as you’re met with nothing save for the soft thuds of your foot, a heavy pressure weighs on your chest.

They must have found you out. How long have they known you were here?

Goosebumps scurry along your arm as you look over your shoulder for the compressed hiss of doors mechanically sliding open. Previously hidden doors pulled apart to reveal a hidden hallway and a bot stepping through, its digital gaze settled on you while its heavy footfalls shook the room.

“ Ohhhh noooo… ”

Dragging out the syllables, the blueprints you just saw on the screen were currently whirring to life before you. At the sound of a grating, familiar cackle playing through the contraption’s speakers, your blood chills.

Not good.

“ Looks like a rat slipped through the cracks. ”

You could recognize her voice anywhere. What’s your escape route now? Have they closed all of them off? God, you did not prepare for a fight today—that was NOT on the itinerary!

“ Perfect opportunity to see what these puppies can do though. ”

Fully facing the super-suit occupied by Kendra, you take a hesitant step back as your eyes scan the room. They land on a rather ordinary looking door on your far left, equidistant to you both. The chance to get some distance is all too tempting.

Unfortunately, just as your foot raises to break into a bolt, an “ ah, ah, ah~ ” taunts through the mech’s speaker as it sends a projectile whisking past you with a high pitched pachoo! The object sparks against the wall it strikes and ignites instantly. You can’t help the spike in fear shooting through you internally as the blast destroys part of the room and sends debris flying.

With barely a chance to gather your bearings, your gaze raises helplessly as the bulky suit Kendra was operating closed the gap between you both and slammed a heavy fist towards you. It strikes the ground with a heavy THUMP, leaving a dent that was barely off enough to feel comfortable. You raise your hand to the purple logo on your glasses that sends an S.O.S. distress call to your man-in-the-chair, Shelldon.

Scrambling to get away, you lunge towards one of the wire-filled cabinets palms-first in an attempt to hack and utilize some to your advantage. Before your program fully engaged, you’re yanked away full-force and sent skidding across the floor. In your peripheral you notice two more of these suits enter the room. This is hardly the time to get distracted, you scold yourself, glancing back to Kendra in a nick of time.

“ Shit, shit, shit, shit!! ”

You scream, narrowly dodging a shrapnel of metal whisking past your ducked head and embedding itself into the opposite wall.

“ ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! ”

Through a dramatic display of physical prowess, you screech and lunge every which way to avoid each zipping attack the bot sends towards you. To make matters worse, two more robotic suits emerge from behind the first.

“ That could’ve killed me, you runts! ”

Glaring, you turn your gaze to the maniacally laughing trio of super-nerds, donning what appeared to be the exact same super suits in the documents, all said to be powered by an all-too-powerful AI-chip. The suits’ reflexes are swift n’clean, ran by a superior digital brain that seems to be predicting all your movements even before you know them. In any other circumstances, you would have marveled in their presence.

However, right now it serves as too-great of a foe for you alone. In a pathetic display to keep up, you try to stand your ground against the super suits in a recipe of chaos that ends with you cornered and exhausted.

“ Now, now, Violet Virus,”

The leader, Kendra, steps towards you in a suit designed for strength. It’s bulky, intimidating, and an overall pain. You almost wonder if sheer artillery built into that suit was enough to single-handedly replace an entire army.

Behind her stood Jeremy in a suit built for speed—it’s racing LEDs left you dizzy if you stared too long and was designed to reach speeds fast enough that the residual shock alone might be enough to give your eardrums a hell of a jolt. Its fit was slim and sharp, fitting for the purpose.

Last is Jason, who..

Well..

He didn’t have some flashy suit for some reason.

Honestly, it seems more like just a prop suit. You didn’t even know if it did anything—to be frank, it kind of looked like they picked it up at Spirit Halloween.

“ You’ve got guts, I’ll give you that. ”

Kendra’s suit thuds towards you, crouching in front of you. Her robotic hand reaches out to grip your chin between the thumb and index.

“ But that’s all I’ll give you. “

You’re starting to get antsy, mentally begging Shelldon to hurry up in helping you out of this ordeal. In the mean time, you muster the meanest glare, peering through the visual retinas of the machine. The speaker picks up her low scoff.

“ Well, maybe I should reward our little idiot for that signal to our friend,Othello von Ryan. ”

The boys behind her share a laugh in response.

“ … Who? ”

Confused, you yank from her grip, teeth bared in disgust. As powerless as you are to super-suits, an idiot was no where near appropriate to describe you. In fact, to say you were a vigilante with nothing but your boyfriend’s robot under your belt was a lie.

See, your outfit was littered with all types of covert gadgets. This included a pair of gloves and boots to match with dull, illuminated swirls under the pads of your fingers and heels of your feet. Within those swirling pools of light happened to be lie dozens of little terminals awaiting for your command to reshape and hack into any dormant or idle appliances and tech within range.

Pinned to the ground in a sitting position, your hands laid palms down on either side of your body and feet flat to carry out the rest of this operation. So long as they keep their focus on you, they will be completely blind-sided by your retaliation. Inaudible over the commotion, a low groan of circuitry in the walls bowed as your programs seep into their systems.

“ I don’t know who that is, but you’re crazy if you think this battle is in any of your favors! ”

You growled out as the ceilings cave from serpentine cables raining sparks haphazardly. Your program had sent a sort of “ suicidal-sentience ” command through nearby wires that influenced them to rip apart and focus an assault on the super-suits.

Kendra growls in annoyance as metal panels from above knock her to the ground. The limbs of her robotic suit are then coiled up by the snake-like wires. She turns to see a similar fate befalling Jason.

But not Jeremy.

“ Oh, but it is in my favor. ”

Kendra cocked her head in Jeremy’s direction, grinning with an energy that sent shivers down your spine. His suit was equipped with speeds your program couldn’t fathom keeping up with, and as his suit whipped to your side before you could try to run, you were struck and pinned flat against the floor.

“ That was a clever yet feeble attempt. See, we know all about your assets. ”

Kendra recovers quick as she moves her suit to rip the cables off her.

“ … What assets!?”

You kick your legs, trying to get free. Just how much do they know? What do they know? What or which assets could they mean? You hold your tongue in fear of spilling information to potential bluff.

Amidst your confusion, Kendra doesn’t seem too impressed. She might have burst a fuse if not for Jeremy clearing his throat and intervening.

“ What she means, Violet Virus, is we intercepted your help signal. ”

The hair on the back of your neck rose up.

That explains the lack of indication from Shelldon that he received your signal. Your expression sours with worry. What use did they have with him? And wait, Othello von Ryan—

“ You didn’t honestly think you could serve any sort of threat to us, right? Had you even considered that we—practical GENIUSES of the modern technological age—may not have planned to stop at these suits? ”

—Wasn’t that one of Donnie’s aliases?

Kendra roughly shoves Jeremy aside as she crouches back down to eye-level with you. In this moment, you begin to entertain the thought that maybe, just maybe—

“ Your naïveté is sickeningly cute, Vivi, this wasn’t our goal. ”

—you might have bitten off more than you can chew.

You opened your mouth to speak, but no sound came out. Panic was washing over you.

With ice coursing through your veins, you thought about calling Donnie. Maybe if you confess everything about being Violet Virus, he’ll come help?

Or, would he be mad that you kept such a secret and did something so reckless by yourself? A heat wells up in your chest, igniting a fight with the chills. Flashes of hot and cold ran over you as the pieces fell into place.

How long have they known you were working with Shelldon?

Did they let you sneak in this far?

Were you just a stepping stone to get Shelldon?

…

Do they know your identity?

Your mouth dries at that notion. You need to hurry and turn these tides, but before you could put any plan forth, the wall beside you crumbles as a familiar short stature burst through.

The little robot gave heavy thuds as his feet rose and fell against the floor without any personality.

How did everything go so wrong?

“ Shelldon? “

Tone low, hardly loud enough to even be a whisper, you stared wide-eyed at a robot without a twinge of the boy you knew.

“ Shelldon’s not his name anymore, Violet Virus. ”

Kendra’s suit rises above you then moves to tower beside Shelldon. She raises her mechanical hand and rests it firmly on his shoulder.

“ This is Pulverizer now! ”

A series of “ no’s ” fall from your lips as you scramble to your feet and close the gap between you and Shelldon. Your hands tremble around him, unsure where to rest while Kendra breaks down in laughter beside you both.

You could see the computing of some program flickering behind Shelldon’s eyes, indicated some software actively downloading. He remained unfazed by your presence.

“ Shelldon, no, no, no, what are they doing to you?! I have to get you out of here, I’m so—“

“ Pulverizer, engage combat program ZG.09X, ”

Kendra interjects, barking some sort of command. You glance to her then back to Shelldon, baffled as he seems to respond only to that and not any of your efforts. Your eyes widen as his arm begins reeling back.

“ What did they do to y—“

A quick thwack interrupts you as Shelldon socks you across the jaw with a force so heavy it sends you to the floor a few feet. The hit cracked and crumbled part of your mask as bits of it sprinkle the path from Shelldon to where you’d landed. Your glasses had been slightly bent from your head knocking against the floor. The pain throbs through your skull, ebbing from the cheek your hand rose to caress in disbelief.

“ D-Donnie.. ”

As you stared at Shelldon thunking towards you, you couldn’t help but tremble and wish you weren’t alone. This was too much for you, and you found yourself imagining what it would have been like if you had teamed up with Donnie in the beginning instead of being a solo-hero.

Shelldon reels his arm back again, and you raise yours in a feeble attempt to shield yourself.

Shutting your eyes tight, you brace for the impact.

“ SHELLDON, PROTOCOL BOGEY-DOWN 61E9 ACTIVATE! ”

“ What—!? ”

Kendra whips her head around towards the same entrance Shelldon initially created.

You stare wide eyed as your boyfriend bursts in and shouts a command to Shelldon. His dramatic entrance is punctuated by him riding his tech-bo like a hoverboard.

Donnie jumps off, landing straight into Kendra’s mech with enough force to topple it over. He casts a glance in your direction, squints with suspicion, but then turns back to Kendra.

“ I knew it—SEE, I knew it! ”

The purple-banded turtle paces in front of the dazed Kendra, throwing his hands up in frustration. He stops to point back and forth between Shelldon and the rest of the Purple Dragons.

“ Who else could be meddling with MY son’s database but this group of wannabes! “

“ W-Wannabes? Othello von Ryan, this is whe.. damn.. ”

Winded, Kendra takes a pause to catch her breath. Jason tries to come and help her up but gets swatted away immediately. Angrily, she huffs and operates the suit to shove itself back onto its feet.

“ Get AWAY from me, Jase, UGH! Othello Von Ryan, prepare to be defeated by our revenge! Pulverizer, engage combat program ZG.734! ”

She cackles maniacally, jabbing a finger in Donnie’s direction. When Shelldon doesn’t move, the speaker goes quiet for a few beats.

Then, it starts playing a bunch of loud clanks, likely from Kendra frustratedly hitting things inside the suit.

Donnie, however, glances at Shelldon then back at Kendra and stomps his foot. He points an accusatory finger in her direction.

“ Oh by Galileo, if you lot did anything nefarious to Shelldon’s programming, so help me! ”

Sheldon’s fist wavers a few inches from you as different lines of code scroll past his eyes, registering the command Donnie called out. After hearing Kendra’s command, the lines of code began rapidly switching direction until a click resounds. He blinks a few times then looks down at you.

“ No! Damn it, what happened!? ”

Kendra pummels the ground enough times to leave a hefty dent.

Donnie scoffs at her, crouching to stare into the visual receptors of the mech-suit.

“ I see you did not consider I may have created an anti-dragons program with the idea that you would want to control my tech again, did you? ”

As Shelldon came back to his senses, he glanced every which way in confusion. One second he was being interrogated, the next..

“ Your distress signal! Y/—I mean, Violet Virus, bro, what’s the haps? How’d I get here? Ohh, Donnie’s gonna be so pissed at me, dude, he almost found out ab—“

You gawk at Shelldon’s loud voice, shushing him loudly. Whispering, you quickly scold him.

“ Shelldon! We can discuss it later, but right now we need to get out of h—“

As you gesture to leave, you are instead met with Donnie being sent flying straight into you. Your foreheads collide as you’re sent back against the ground with him dazed over you.

“ Technologically advanced mecha suits is an upgrade from our last encounter, I’ll give you that! ”

One of Donnie’s hands rests beside your head while the other holds his forehead, rubbing where you both collided. He groans in pain.

Similarly, you hold both hands against your forehead and writhe dramatically beneath Donnie at the pain echoing from not just your lower jaw where Shelldon struck you, but your forehead too now.

“ Ow, ow, oww! Donnie, that… that.. hurt.. ”

Your voice peters off as you look up at him. The fear was already beginning to melt away as your eyes scan across his face. He had such an uncanny habit of coming when you called, and this situation was no different. As relief washes over you, you forget yourself for a second and reach to give him a kiss. You’re just so lucky to have someone so dependable as him, even in situations where he didn’t mean it. You vow to tell him everything after this.

As your hands cup the sides of his face, Donnie opens his eyes to see you leaning in.

“ Whoa—HEY? ”

Mechanical limbs splay out of his shell and quickly put distance between you and him, stirring a squeak of surprise from you as he stares at you bewildered.

“ I don’t know you! This is a complete violation of personal space and my individual rights! ”

He shouts in disbelief, covering himself like a woman caught naked.

… Oh..

Oh yeah.

Your face flushes with embarrassment instantly. Right now you aren’t Donnie’s girlfriend, but rather Violet Virus. You stand up, ready to explain yourself, only to be immediately knocked back down to your knees as an explosion from another one of Kendra’s projectiles goes off behind you. Donnie’s attention shifts from you to the Purple Dragons.

“ What sort of looney tries to kiss stranger during combat, he exclaims in disbelief! ”

Donnie vents aloud as he twirls his tech-bo around his body. Generating enough speed from the action, he then lunges towards Kendra. Right before he strikes, his index taps a button on the shaft of the swirling bo. Its speed increases as the tip shifts into a hammer-like shape and propels like a rocket to clock Kendra’s super-suit mech across the face. The strike is heavy enough that the robot’s head twists and twists the wrong direction until it pops clean off.

“ No, it’s not like that—and don’t call me a looney! Just, you know me! ”

“ No I don’t! The nerve of some people. I feel the need to add I am a happily taken man! “

You stumble over your words as you try to explain yourself. Slamming your palms against the floor, you inject another offensive virus into the room’s system as your glasses accelerate your visual capacities to keep up with Jeremy’s suit. Just as the program goes into effect, you’re pulled back as Jason’s arm catches your neck in his elbow.

He pulls you back, choking you as the program sets loose through the wires held in the cabinet. The cables surge out and land upon Jeremy’s suit, connecting to ports and lighting it up with enough power to overload and shut down the entire contraption. He gets lit up like a Christmas tree for a second before the suit slams into the ground non-responsive.

You hear a low ‘ damn it! ‘ from inside his suit.

Kicking your feet to try and be free from Jason’s grip, you’re let go only after Shelldon lands one of his heavy, rocket-powered punches to send the boy across the room. Even though he’s an enemy, you wince sympathetically at how much that must’ve hurt.

“ Thanks Shelldon.. ”

You murmur, rubbing your neck. Shelldon beams with pride towards you until Donnie steps between you both. His mechanical spider limbs shooting out once more to make some distance between you two.

" I’d appreciate you not fraternizing with the enemy, Shelldon. ”

He steps away from you and closer to Shelldon.

“ But Donnie, Violet Virus isn’t the enemy! ”

“ Yeah, I’m not an enemy, Donnie, just listen to me for a second! ”

“ Firstly, Shelldon, you’re on a friendly name basis with this fiend?! And secondly, Violet Virus, how do you know who I am? Does my reputation exceed me, I wonder? ”

He pauses for a moment to think to himself, likely basking in the idea of his popularity reaching farther, then shakes away the thought. Donnie takes a few steps closer to you with an intimidating air.

“ This is no good, no, no. Violet Virus, might it have been you who— Hold on. ”

As his gaze fixates on your glasses, you sharply suck in a breath by accident. Coughing, everything you wanted to say caught up too quick for even a single word to slip out. You needed to tell him! What will he think, that you’re a thief?

“ Wait—“

“ How do you have that, that’s.. Wait. ”

He crosses his arms, tapping his index against his bicep as he circles around you. Donnie stops in front of you, hums something mid-thought, then cracks a smile.

“ Ah, I get it now. How clever you are, my dear. ”

“ What? ”

You hesitate as he closes the gap between you both. His face softens as his hands make quick work of sliding your broken mask off. Without needing to explain a word, it seems he made quick work of who you were.

“ So this is what you’ve been up to.. Why? ”

His hand caresses your cheek.

“ I… Wanted to get back at the Purple Dragons—for you.. ”

Donnie cracks a bigger grin and chuckles, leaning a bit to plant a chaste kiss on your lips.

“ We can discuss this when we get home, then. ”

[violetvelourr]

How long I have been doing art

People occasionally ask me how long I’ve been drawing and that question gets me utterly confused 😅 um, probably since I remember myself?.. 😅

First of all, big reveal. I’m old. Much older than you probably ever guessed. Because I’ve been doing digital art since 2003, and I was not exactly a toddler at that point, he-he. Don’t ask me my age though – I’m still a lady and I consider it impolite 🤭 but that might actually answer the questions of many teenagers why I don’t particularly interact much 🙈

So anyways, now we have settled my “art career” span. But saying “I began doing digital art in 2003” – well… I don’t want to do that, because people will be like, “whoa, 20 years”?! And will freak out at such a prospect – 20 years to get to my level, which is, frankly speaking, far from professional. Not to mention that before digital art I also drew traditionally quite a bit.

But the main reason is because “doing digital art since 2003” does not equal “for 20 years”.

How about we revisit these years and look closer at my digital art journey? I can’t promise that I will recall everything 100% accurately, but I’ll do my best.

So around 2003-2004 I tried drawing in Photoshop for the first time. It was an image of a lion, and to be honest, to this day I’m hella proud of myself.

Yes, first attempt. Yes, I drew with a freaking mouse!

My second piece from the same year span is the “Dancer”. oh yes, the remakable hepatitis skin tone 🙈

To be honest, I don’t recall having a drawing tablet that long ago, I'm quite sure I got it only in 2008, but looking at it, despite its flaws, I can hardly believe I drew that using a mouse… I’m not sure, it’s a mystery. The Lion was definitely a mouse artwork.

From thereon I abandoned digital art for a while due to studying, then work, and finally online RPGs…

In 2008 I posted my first digital WIP after a 5 year break.

Oh my gosh... Remind me to never try realism again, clearly not my thing 🙈

I think I was trying to draw an avatar for myself, which doesn’t exactly justify drawing a woman aged probably around 40 🙈 I was not that old!! As far as I can see from my journal, that artwork crashed and only this snippet of it was what I had left. I think it’s for the good. I ended up commissioning the avatar from a proper artist, ha-ha…

Over the span of 2 months I posted 5 more digital art pieces, none of them ever completed actually 🙈 And yes, behold how ugly they are...

My ambitions were growing faster than my skills were improving. The piece with the couple with that naked girl is my special pain because I even attended a digital art course by an amazing artist I was really looking up to back then – Anry – to try and finish this piece, but I failed miserably. I was the only person in that course (5 day 12hr/day intense course) out of 15 people who came “just for fun” – the rest were pursuing a professional digital illustrator career.

This is what I left off with after that course.

In this collage you see on the left what I came with, the middle – what the teacher did after I explained my concept, and on the right – my attempt to take the piece to its final form. But I could never accept that the base was made for me and not by me...

It still grips my heart when I look at it because it was one of my greatest fails. I think that to die peacefully, I need to finish this artwork 😆 If anyone is curious about the story behind this artwork, I’ll post it separately.

Anyway, as I said, I didn’t reach my goal, was hugely disappointed in myself and dropped digital art in April 2008.

However, I came back 1.5 years later, in November 2009, when I got into anime 😂

I think that’s also when I first tried Paint Tool SAI. Up until March 2012, I uploaded roughly 20+/- digital artworks/WIPs. The quality was a bit inconsistent, but I was beginning to get the hang of it a bit, finally. Here are some of them (yeah, the span of the mood is extraordinary):

So, in 2.5 years – merely 20 artworks. Just to compare, in 2022 alone I made 75+ artworks, which doesn’t even include animations and stuff I considered to not be proper artworks.

So, my last artwork from that period was in March 2012 (the one with the winged dude blocking the way for the girl), after which I abandoned digital art again, for good this time. I actually thought - forever, to be honest.

I’m not sure what happened then. I guess I just lost my motivation, got over my fictional crushes, was depressed and not happy with myself…

Problem is that in reality, I don’t have any imagination at all. Part of the reason why I always suspected that despite being quite decent in drawing, I would never succeed as an artist, so I could only say that my dream was to draw for Disney. But I knew I never would. And I knew I can’t do original art. Fan arts – yes, subject to being highly inspired, a feeling similar to a crush. I was too dependent on the mood. But even so… my artworks never were particularly fancy or original, I admit it.

Part of the reason why I’m also so sensitive about AI now. I see people actually living my dream, and I'm so happy for them. Working as illustrators, having an income from what they create... And that is being stolen from them now. That’s why I will probably never accept AI.

Ugh, turned off the subject…

Anyway, as I said, I abandoned art in 2012 and only picked it back up in October 2021 because of Kakashi. 😆

If my math is correct, that’s a 9.5 year break. I have been going non-stop since October 2021, so I would say that my ongoing artistic journey lasts for almost 2 years now. The previous 2-year period with 20 artworks – I’m not really sure about the value of that. The previous 7 digital artworks – even more so.

If I had to sum up my entire digital art journey, – I would say it is around 5–6 years, but in reality probably won’t add up even to 3 years, because the 3 years adding up from a bit of 2003, a bit of 2008 and bits of 2009-2012 had me produce only around 30 artworks, a majority of which were never even completed.

My main progress happened between 2021 and now, so in the last 2 years. And to be honest, I understand that if I am to continue - this is only the beginning...

[zurysalvatore]

Happy Halloween~! 🎃🕸

[aureumjeon]

gone cold (m) ksj

pairing; seokjin x reader ft. jungkook

genre; exes au, college au basically angst, smut, inspired by the 1975 - somebody else.

warnings; mentions of alcohol, y/n falling out of love and seokjin's heart getting broken, hints of infidelity, daddy kink, oral (female receiving), pussy/panty sniffing, rimming, squirting, fingering, boring missionary, yn being an asshole.

word count; 6100

summary;

➜ at this point, seokjin was the only one carrying this weight with his own two hands. it took everything he had and then some to salvage your slowly deteriorating relationship. he hoped that you'd find yourself in his arms again but the truth was inevitable. Your love had gone cold and you're intertwining your soul with somebody else.

a/n; i absolutely DO NOT condone any from of cheating 🤢 stay loyal friends. yn is the one in the wrong (don't wanna say cheater oof) here since jin could never 🤧

--

"Are you sure you'll tag along?" Taehyung asked cautiously, placing the last bottle of vodka he was assigned to bring to the party in a brown disposable bag.

"Yeah," Jin replied calmly, "It's been so long since I last went. Namjoon's probably worried. I should at least show up to let them know I'm okay."

Taehyung gave the elder a sympathetic smile. He took the bag in his right arm and placed the other on Jin's shoulder. "Let's go, yeah?"

Six months ago

It was your second year anniversary and Jin was busying himself in the kitchen preparing your dinner like the culinary student he was. "How do you want your steak?" he called, passively watching you on the couch being a little too preoccupied with your mobile phone to be honest. "Yn." He demanded your attention again. 

You looked up in surprise, a cheeky smile in tow. "Yes, baby?"

God, you really weren't paying attention. He's starting to wonder what, or who, was making you put all your focus on your phone.

He'll let it slide since it's your anniversary. "Medium or medium rare?" He questioned, holding the slab of marbled meat next to his face.

"Hmmm," you hummed playfully, lips forming into a pout while thinking of an answer. "Medium rare, please!" You grinned, toothy smile and chubby cheeks. Gosh, you were too cute and it made his heart hurt that he almost doubted you for a second. 

You stood up from your seat and waddled your way next to your boyfriend. "That looks super yummy!" You pointed eagerly to the pot of buttery mashed potato he had prepared beforehand. 

"Wait till you taste the gravy, you're going to beg me for more." Jin smirked, fingers reaching to poke at your side. "Jin!" You yelped suddenly, binding your arms around your torso by instinct and shielding it from what's about to come. 

He stepped towards you and was now using his figure that was twice the size of yours, to restrict you from escaping any route possible. Eventually trapping you between the counter and his firm chest. 

His fingers carefully traced the hem of your — his — shirt that falls just above your flawless thighs, playing with the loose threads hanging. "Hmmm?" His eyebrow quirked, finding out that you weren't wearing any shorts under the oversized shirt.

"You're such a tease, princess."

As if on cue, his little pet name for you flipped a switch and you felt the heat growing bigger between your nimble legs. "D-daddy…" You groaned bashfully, burying your face in his chest while wrapping your arms around his slim waist.

"Yes, princess?" His slender hand carefully moved from the hem of your shirt to your ass. Kneading at the supple flesh exposed by your skimpy thong.

"Did this for you," you mumbled into him, hands crawling upwards to clutch onto his broad and firm shoulders. You sighed wistfully.

"Did you now?" His tone was quite questionable. He thought about interrogating you with what's got you so invested and giggling at the screen of your phone and straight up disregarding him, but he'd rather not ruin the mood already set up for the two of you.

Jin secured his arms where your butt meets your thighs and elevated you to sit on the edge of the counter where your sex was perfectly aligned with his crotch. The coldness from the glass counter top causes goose bumps to creep up your skin and you feel all your senses heighten. Especially your sense of touch.

His hands slowly pried your legs open, exposing your pretty lace panties glistening with your wetness. The heat from his palms were burning invisible marks on your skin, further igniting the flame in your stomach. "So lovely." He cooed, rubbing his clothed dick against your aching core. "Tell daddy what princess wants." He maintained his actions, grinding his hips against you. The friction caused all your blood to rush to your head, face now red as a tomato.

"Tongue," you squirmed in place, biting your lips to suppress the moans eagerly wanting to tumble out. "I want your tongue, please?"

"Since my princess asked so nicely," He knelt down so that he's face to face with your core. He leaned forward, nose gently brushing against your covered slit. You shivered at the minimal contact, leaning back and resting your head on the cabinet behind you while exhaling a blissful sigh.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, soaking up the intoxicating scent of your arousal. His fingers sank into the rosy flesh of your thighs, nails engraving crescent moon shaped indents as he fights the urge to devour you right then and there.

"My princess smells so sweet." He purred contentedly, following the line of your underwear.

After what felt like an eternity, you finally felt his hands climb to the curve of your hips. Gripping at the waist band, he pulled your underwear all the way down your legs. He held onto the piece of cloth for a while, crumpling it into his hand and shoving it up his nostrils. He looked so fucking erotic while sniffing up your delicious aroma. "Daddy…" You whined impatiently, tears threatening to spill from your eyes. You looked desperate, hands coming to rest on your boyfriend's shapely shoulder. "Need you, please? "Don't worry, princess. Daddy will take care of you." Jin strictly believed in the saying "The slower the pace, the stronger the orgasm." That's why he consistently took his time with you whether eating you out or fucking you senseless.

He licked his plump lips like this was his last meal on earth, admiring how pink and glossy your sex was, and all for him. Jin's forefinger reached for your sensitive nub, carefully drawing out small circles while keenly watching it grow erect. 

You sighed in relief, like a massive weight has been lifted in your chest. Such small ministrations from his end yet it caused such an immense effect on you. You watched him pucker his lips, collecting saliva in his mouth then erotically letting it drip down from his lips to your cunt aching cunt.

"O-oh," you gasped, relishing in the wetness and warmth of his spit that dribbled down your slit. 

"You like that, huh?" He hummed sweetly, taking in with pride the reactions he's eliciting from you. One massaging finger became two. He began tweaking and pinching and rolling your soaked clit between his two digits, sending tiny shocks of electricity throughout your entire body. 

By the way your heart was erratically beating in your chest and the way your eyes uncontrollably fluttered shut, you could sense your release reaching its peak. Yet your body has still been craving for more.

At this point, you were drenched with the blend of your juices and his saliva obscenely dripping down to the floor. "My princess is so fucking wet," He lowered himself, face now lined-up with your asshole. "D-daddy!" You mewled out loudly, entangling your hand in his raven locks when you felt his wet tongue rimming your puckered hole. Lewd sucking and slurping sound coming from him as his viciously lapped and sucked and nipped at the open flesh like a man starved. 

"F-fuck, Jin…" As if your brain malfunctioned, you accidentally called him by his name. He stopped in his track just as he was about to prod your entrance with his tongue. "Did I hear that right? Jin?" He scoffed, jerking his head slightly. Suddenly, Jin licked a big-fat stripe from your ass up to your clit making you jolt in surprise "I'm gonna pretend that didn't happen," he stated, practised fingers going over the shape of your lower lips. Without a warning or giving you a second to think, he plunged his entire middle finger in you. 

"D-d-daddy!" You wailed as your legs began shaking, head lolling back in delight. He began ramming his digit inside you at a ruthless pace, the sound of his palm meeting your pelvic echoed in the otherwise silent kitchen. The sting, it was definitely there. You can tell by the friction from his calloused finger scraping against your cavity. It stung, but you'd accept this generous punishment over not having an orgasm at all.

"Here?" He smirked, pupils blown out in unbridled lust. Tickling the rough spot deep with your sex. "Does my princess want to be touched here?"

Jin watched your face contorted in pleasure. Breathing ragged, brows furrowed and lips red and swollen from you biting into it too much before adding another finger into the mix. 

You shrieked at the stretch, wallowing in the burning sensation all happening between your legs. And when he commenced the attack on your almost forgotten clit with his tongue, the small flame in the pit of your stomach began spreading like wildfire. You felt your temperature rising. Your entire body was stricken with sweat.

"Is my princess close?" Jin teased through his teeth, mouth still attached to your sensitive nub. The only reply you could come up with was a small nod, trembling hands clenched into a fist.

"Then come for your Daddy, princess." He coaxed. "Let me see that pussy cry." His voice and command were enough for your velvet walls to start convulsing around his long fingers.

Jin began scissoring his fingers inside you while simultaneously thrusting deeper. With your mouth partly open, you began choking out a breathless cry.

You were so fucking close and just as his torturous fingers brushed against your cervix, you instantly feel the fierce wave of your much awaited climax wash over you. Your toes curled inwards as your heels began digging into his back, urging him and signalling that you were coming. A rip-roaring moan came from your mouth in sheer unadulterated bliss. Now. Swiftly, he covered your entire sex with his mouth, seizing every last bit of your squirting orgasm.

He stared at your fucked out image through hooded lids, gulping down all your juices. He detached himself from your pussy and wiped the excess liquid at the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand.

"We should have dessert first more often." He smiled triumphantly.

---

"Jin!" Namjoon bellowed over the thumping bass when he caught sight of Jin's figure entering through the front door.

"Joonie!" He answered back, teasing his junior with the nickname he gave him years ago. He waved his hands in the air so that Namjoon wouldn't lose sight of him in the sea of sweaty and drunken people occupying the living room area.

When they finally crossed paths, Namjoon enveloped Jin in a big bear hug. "Ugh! When was the last time I saw you, man?" He smacked Jin by the shoulder, "I missed you, Hyung." Although soft, Namjoon's voice was heard by Jin.

"Yea, missed you too." "Hi Hyung!" Taehyung beamed, peeking from Jin's back. "I've got the goods!" He shakes the bag of alcohol in their faces.

"Good!" Namjoon high-fives his Junior. Ushering them both to what they dubbed his special room. "We ain't sharing that with anyone besides ourselves." He smirked.

He was the host, technically he could do whatever the frick he wanted. Even if it was to set aside the cheap booze for the entire party to share and save the finer haul for him and his boys. "C'mon, man. We've got some catching up to do." Namjoon leads both of the boys to his study. The sooner they leave this crowded area, the sooner his anxiety will fade. When Jin entered the said room, he was hit in the face with a sense of nostalgia. The room was completely the same as the last time he was here. The furniture was the same, interior decoration the same, even the automated air-freshener spray was the same damn artificial lemon scent that made his head hurt. The only thing different from before was you weren't by his side. "Jin Hyung!" Hobi cheered, eagerly standing up from his seat on the couch to meet his hyung. "So good to see you!" Knuckles and fingers smacking against each other as they did their famous handshake that honestly had too many steps to remember. After everyone was settled in, they all gathered on Namjoon's leather couch at the far-right corner of the room next to the mini bar. "I'm so glad you came, hyung. I kinda thought you were dead." Namjoon joked, gathering ice and glasses and an assortment of chips and dips for everyone. "Hmmm, I've seen better days but I'm fine." Jin replied with a shrug of his shoulders. A deep forced chuckle escaped his lips followed by a sigh. Everyone was silent. "Ahhhh!" Hoseok tried to ease the tensioned atmosphere in the room, "By the way hyung, I have a friend," he effectively emphasized with a wiggle of his sharp brows "that has been dying to meet you!" "Who?" Taehyung inquired casually, popping a chip in his mouth. "You know Irene?" The corner of Hoseok's lip quirked, eyes hit with a glint of boastfulness. Anyone who was anyone knew who Irene was. Only a hermit living under a rock wouldn't. "The new transfer student and President of the Drama club 'Irene'?!" Namjoon’s eyes grew wide like saucers. "Yeah, that Irene." Hoseok proudly announced as if he was the one the girl was interested in. "We're in the same major and She's been asking," he paused, thinking of a more efficient way to put it into words, "more like pestering me, to introduce you to her." "Well since it's Jin-hyung we're talking about," Namjoon cuts, "it's only fair that one of the hottest girls on campus would be interested in our dear friend, also considered one of the best-looking guys on campus." "What do you say, Jin-hyung?" Hoseok asked. Namjoon and Taehyung were now anticipating an answer from their elder. Only a big moron would refuse an invitation from Irene. Jin took a few moments to think about his answer, brows furrowing into several positions before ultimately agreeing to his junior's offer. It's been 2 months and there's nothing wrong with putting himself out there. He was single anyways. "Yeah!" Hoseok exclaimed, fist pumping into the air. The thoughts of a week's worth of supply of those overpriced dumplings Irene promised him if he was able to get her and Jin to go on a date swims in his head. "I'll text her right now! And ask her if she can come," Hoseok lined his vision with Namjoon, eyes round and begging "if it's alright with Namjoon." "Yeah, tell her to bring friends." He winked, with dimples to match. "Ahhhh," Taehyung sighed, cracking his shoulders before leaning back in his seat, "That's great, since y/n's moved on and started dating that jung--" before he could even finish that sentence, both his hyungs were staring daggers at him. "S-sorry, Jin-hyung… I didn't…" Jin waved him off, "It's fine. I already know."

--

Three months ago. "Hey, I saw yn at x station yesterday." Baekhyun suddenly opened up. He and Jin were on shopping duty for next week's final practical exam. "Really? You must have been mistaken. She's with her sister in Busan," he reasonably argued while choosing which bundle of iceberg cabbage was the freshest. "She is? I could have sworn it was her!" Baekhyun was sure that his 20-20 vision wouldn't betray him at a time like that. But since Jin confirmed that you were at your sister's house for the weekend, maybe he was wrong and the person he saw was some kind of doppelganger look-alike. "Ahhhhh, Maybe you're right. The girl I saw was with a dude from the university’s football club anyways, couldn't have been y/n." He concludes, sniffing a knob of garlic. You? The y/n l/n that he knew would never lie to him about anything, let alone cheat on him with another guy, he thinks. In the two years of you being together, lying and cheating on your boyfriend would be the last on your mind. You weren't that type of person, right? The sweet, caring, thoughtful, and undeniably soft y/n he knew would never do such a thing, especially to someone she loved. Before he started losing interest in grocery shopping for forty percent of his final grade. Which was also a key factor of him graduating, he shook all the unnecessary thoughts plaguing his mind and focused all his attention at the task at hand. "Which is better, Jin?" Baekhyun somehow helped him escape the trance he was in, distracting him with two red plump tomatoes in each hand. "That one." Jin pointed to the one in the boy's left hand. Baekhyun examined the two tomatoes, taking a sniff of each. Jin was right, the fruit on the left did in fact smell sweeter than one on the right. Its crimson color was far more vibrant, too. "How do you know by just looking?" Again, Baekhyun was amazed at Jin's instinct when it came to food and cooking. "I just do." Jin smiled. He just does, like he always has. -- Monday arrived and there was still no sign of you. Jin called and texted you several times today to ensure that you were alright but you hadn't replied since Sunday morning. That was enough to make him worry about your well being. But Jin knew you well enough to know that if there was something wrong, anything wrong, you'd let him know right away. You trusted him and he trusted you. That's just how you two were. At around 4 in the afternoon, he contemplated contacting your sister to ask if you were en route back to university. As he hovered his thumb over the call button next to 'Sulli Noona��", the front door opened and you came in with an exhausted look on your face. "Y/n!" He jogged over to your direction and aided you with your bag, placing it on the empty chair in the foyer. "How was Busan?" He asked, walking to the kitchen to fetch you a glass of water. "Same same. Sis made me do lots of work around the house, though." You complained, untying your shoelaces before kicking off your shoes. "Here's some wa--" "Later," you interrupted, not giving him the chance to hand you the cold beverage. "Wanna take a shower first. I'm all sweaty and dirty." Without barely turning to look back, you hopped into the shower. As he stared at the cold drink dripping condensation in his hand, he heard the shower turn on. Oh, you must be terribly tired, he thought. He shrugged his shoulders and decided not to be on your ass too much. He figured you'd want to take a rest first, that he'll bug you later instead. Later that evening, Jin couldn't hold himself any longer. Two days of you gone felt like two months to him. He needed to kiss you, touch you, feel you. "Princess…" Jin whispered softly over the night time silence, massaging your waist. "Please, Jin. I'm too tired and really want to sleep." You groaned hoarsely, removing his hand from your body. "Please, y/n." He peppered the curve of your shoulder with light airy kisses. "I really missed you." He whined like child as he wrapped his arms around your torso to pull you flush against him "Can't it wait?" You drowsily murmured, pulling the blanket over your exposed shoulder, not wanting to be any part of it. "Please…" he mused, carefully slipping his hand into your underwear. "Being at your sister's house must have drained all your energy. Let me help you relax." He hummed playfully, circling your flit with the pad of his middle finger. "Uh, fine." You grunted in annoyance. "Just get it over with." You rolled flat on your back, eyes still closed. That's odd, Jin speculated. This was the first time you had acted this hostile whenever he initiated sex. Be it after finals or rehearsal at drama club, you never refused his advances. Maybe it was the fatigue talking, maybe your sister did tire you out too much. Well, he just needed to double the effort of making you feel good. "Want to eat you out so bad, miss how you taste." He confessed openly, his body ghosting over your resting figure while hands tugging on your panty. "No." You abruptly declared, "I don't want you to eat me out. Just want your dick." Your words caught him off guard. You were a pillow princess, and that's an absolute fact. Usually, you'd enjoyed the feeling of being eaten and spoiled rotten until you came. He never thought you'd want to go straight to penetration without proper foreplay. "Are you sure, princess?" Jin was reluctant, of course. "You're not wet enough, and I haven't stretched you out properly." The thought of you being in pain rather than feeling bliss bothered him to an extent. "It's fine." Your hands flew to your mouth, scooping up the saliva you accumulated between your lips and rubbed it on your raw pussy. "See? It's fine." "O-okay…" If you say so. Jin lowered the band of his boxers, making his hard cock spring free. Bulbous tip already leaking pre-cum. Just to be sure, he let his spit dribble from his mouth to his dick, coating his entire length with more lubrication. He lined himself up, rubbing against your tight slit. "Are you ready, princess?" "Y-yeah." Gradually, Jin pushed the tip of his cock into you. You were so tight and still not wet enough. He heard you hiss in pain when half of his length was buried in you. He brushed the strands of hair out of your face and asked, "Are you okay, princess?" You nodded, "Keep going." Half heartedly, he sinks his entire length into your sex. You suddenly moaned as he bottomed out, but he couldn't distinguish if it was out of pleasure or out of pain. Your walls clenched around him uncomfortably, and he wonders if he should continue or not. He stilled his movements for quite a while, gauging your reactions. "Why'd you stop?" You inquired, face grimacing. "Keep going." He silently nodded and started moving his hips. Once he's set a comfortable rhythm for the both of you, he watched your face illuminated by the moonlight carefully. Your expression changed from the initial scowl you were wearing to a less tense frown. Of course you weren't aware that Jin was observing you. You had your eyes closed the whole time, looking less amused as the seconds went by. He's having second thoughts now; he shouldn't have forced you to do something you didn't want to. Instead of thinking about you and how you felt, he put his own horniness first. He cursed himself and his damn selfishness as he was halfway through his orgasm and you haven't borne any sign of climax yet. He clenched his teeth and shut his eyes. He was gonna make you come whatever it took, even if it meant him coming first. Jin hooked the back of your knees at the bend of his arms, and he was now pounding you harshly into the mattress. His strokes were sharp and forceful, making you whimper. A few pumps later, he found himself spilling his warm fluid into your cavern, coating your walls with his seed. He took a minute to steady his breathing before he was crawling down to your dripping pussy. Right before Jin's fingers came in contact with your cunt, you slapped his hand away. "What are you doing?" You scolded. "I was about to-- you hadn't come yet so--" He explained nervously, like he was caught doing something he shouldn't have. "I thought I should--" "Stop." You cut him off again, harshly this time. Propping yourself up to go to the bathroom. "You don't need to." "But yn--" "I told you, you don't have to!" you spat venomously at him before slamming the door behind you. He heard the shower turn on again. The sound of the water droplet hitting the tiles turning into white noise in his head. You're tired and angry because of the fatigue. That must be it, he thought. Surely it was, he hoped. -- After that incident, things never went back to normal. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into a month. That's how long you've been acting so cold and indifferent towards him. This wasn't like you; it wasn't like you at all. You never learned to harbour grudges or act so cruel. Every day he wondered what he did or said wrong which caused you to suddenly behave this way. If he could turn back time and erase everything he did that night, he'd do in a heartbeat. He bought you your favourite flowers and sweets, he took you out on spontaneous dates even if you were the least bit interested and cooked you your favourite foods for dinner four times a week that took a sizable chunk out of his bank account. He did everything he could, and thought was right to make you forgive him. He wanted you back. The one who loved being cuddled and tickled, the one who whined like a big baby whenever he didn't give you the attention that you wanted, the one who gave a thousand kisses a day and still wouldn't stop at that. He wanted you; he wanted you back so much that it was starting to hurt him physically. He missed you so much. He wanted you, the old you. He never lost hope, though. Even if it meant him failing a hundred times only to get it right once, he still wouldn't give up. Until one day he caught you stuffing your suitcase to the brim with all of your belongings. "Y/n?" Jin couldn't believe what his eyes were showing him. "What are you doing?" You sighed, zipping up your suitcase. "I don't think it's working, Jin." "What's not working, y/n? I don't un--" "Us." You cut him off. "Huh? What do you mean, y/n?" Now he couldn't believe what he was hearing, especially coming from you. "I'm breaking up with you." He suddenly felt his heart drop to his stomach. "Y/n, I don't know what you're thinking but we can talk this one out. Like we always do." You sighed a more audible sigh. "No, Jin. This…" You hesitated for a second before continuing what needs to be said. "This really isn't working out." A wave of cold panic washed over Jin's entire body, soaking him with sweat from head to toe making him feel like a defenseless wet chick about to be eaten by a fox. "Is it because I'm graduating?" Jin thought of the best reason he could conjure up on the spot. "Are you afraid that we'll grow apart after I graduate and get a job? Is that why you're being so distant?" You shook your head. "No. It's not that…" Hurriedly, he sprinted towards you and craddled you in his arms. "You don't have to worry about anything, baby." Jin assured, "After I graduate, I'll work my socks off and save enough money while waiting for you to graduate. I can wait for you, y/n. You know that, even if you stay in school for another four years, I'll wait for you. You know you're the only one for me" The sobs forcing their way were harder to contain now. "I know, Jin. I know. But it really isn't that..." You pushed him away. There was no easy way to put it. "Then what is it?" He helplessly croaked, staring at your blank eyes, searching for something he couldn't find. "Please y/n…" "I don't feel the way I used to feel… towards you." You bluntly stated, no need to beat around the bush at this point. You were in the endgame now. "Huh? Why? How--" The ground beneath his feet began shaking, preparing to crack open and swallow him whole any moment now. "It's not you, it has nothing to do with you." You explained. "Then what is it that made you feel this way?" His hands began trembling, his throat tight and dry. He wanted, no, he needed a reason, any reason. His stomach started churning and he felt bile rising up his esophagus, he wanted to throw up. "It's too complicated." That's all you say. "Then let's uncomplicate it, y/n!" He ran his fingers through his raven hair, tugging at the strands too hard. "Fuck…" he hissed before releasing his grip. The burn and sting from his scalp caused his face go numb. "Y/n please, please, please…" He dropped to his knees in front of you. He was practically pleading for you to stay. Tears kept falling from his eyes as his nails clawed into the carpet. "W-we we can work this out." He looked up, eyes red and cheeks wet. He held onto your hand tightly with no intention of letting you walk out on him. "I-I'm sorry, Jin. I just really can't…" You snatched your hand from his grip and left him there. Alone. Something he never expected he'd feel since being with you.

--

After 20 minutes of casual conversation, playfully banter and catching up between best friends who missed each other, a soft knock on the door threw everything into a halt. "That must be Irene and her friends!" Hoseok chimed. He stood up immediately and headed his way to the door. "Hobi!" Irene squealed at the sight of her friend. "Girls, come here!" She gestures outside to where her friends were huddled together. She led her little groupie of pretty girls into the room. "Hi I'm Irene," She bowed and introduced herself to the group of boys before her. Once she made eye contact with Seokjin, she blushed. "T-this is Wendy, Joy, and--" when she discovered that her last friend was nowhere to be seen, she excused herself and exited the room. "H-hold on." "Hey y/n! Come in here!" Irene's voice can be overheard from across the hall. A switch in Jin's head flipped. He froze in his seat when he heard that name as if a bucket of ice water was dumped over him. "Irene, I told you I can't!" A familiar voice hushed from outside of the room. It was you. It seemed like our dear friend hoseok overlooked a critically important detail. Irene was the new President of the Drama Club; you have been a member of the drama club since freshman year. In fact, it was Jin that urged you to join. The chances of you being friends with her were a solid home run. Irene came back with a distraught you in tow. "And this is y/n." Namjoon, Taehyung and Hoseok were completely and utterly flabbergasted. Irene and her friends were confused as to why the boys suddenly became silent and the cheerful ambiance of the room disappeared. "H-hi… I know I'm not supposed to be here. I tried to talk to Irene but she insisted but I really didn't mean intruding and…" You were a stuttering mess while everyone watched. "I'm sorry, I'll just go…" You pointed towards the door, loosening the small hand bound around your wrist. "It's fine." Jin announced, "You're welcome to stay, y/n." Taehyung and Namjoon eyed one another credulously. What in the world was happening?! Irene leaned over to Hoseok to inquire exactly that. When Hoseok was done filling in the clueless girl, she gasped in surprise. Feeling embarrassed and ashamed of herself. "Please excuse us for a while." She hauled you out of the room into the hallway and exclaimed "Y/n! Why didn't you tell me?! If I had know I wouldn't have---" "That's why. If I told you that Jin was my ex then you wouldn't shoot your shot." You reasoned. "But we're friends, y/n. I won't disrespect you like that..." "Nobody's disrespecting anybody, Irene. Jin and I, we're a thing of the past. I won't despise you for dating my ex. Hell, I'd be elated if you'd be his new girlfriend! You're one of the nicest people I know, and I'm rooting for you." "I freaking love you, y/n." Irene beamed, slightly teary eyed. - You both returned to the room hand in hand. "I'll stay for a while if you'll have me." You shyly announced, giving them all a ninety degree bow. "Great! Have a seat! You know you're still our friend, y/n." Namjoon offers you the seat next to his, and you gladly accept. You felt guilty hearing Namjoon's words. After breaking their best friend's heart, they still consider you a friend. Wait, that made it sound much worse. You didn't deserve the hospitality they're providing you. You tried settling down in your seat, ignoring the thick veil of awkwardness cloaking the entire room. You couldn't look Jin in the eye even though he was right across your seat, sitting comfortably next to Irene. Just when the tension and nerves were beginning to get to you, and you were contemplating about leaving, Jin comes to the rescue like he always does. "How have you been, yn?" He smiled sincerely, no hint of malice or resentment. "I-Im good." You scratched the back of your neck. A mannerism that comes out whenever you're nervous, Jin knows all too well. "Heard you aced your practical and you'll be graduating this year. Congrats." You concealed your anxiety with a chuckle. "Yeah, I did. Thanks." The small talk about school and such events between Namjoon and Jin went pretty smoothly for about ten minutes. When Namjoon's attention was directed towards Wendy and Jin was busy answering Irene's twenty questions, that's when you totally felt out of place. "I'll just head to the bathroom." Irene announced as she left the room. You finally had the chance to say what you have meant to say for the past 10 minutes. Even if the last thing he wanted was a lame apology from the likes of you, he still deserved it. The little voice in your head won't allow you sleep if you don't do it now. "Jin, I--" Before you could properly apologize for everything you did, someone knocked on the door while no one was expecting anyone anymore. Hoseok totally embodied the role of the bell boy today, as he was the one who kept answering the door for everyone. "Ah, Hey." A tall man stood before him, sporting an all black attire. Black shirt, black sweatpants, black boots, and the black jersey jacket ensemble of the University's football club. "Name's Jungkook, I'm here for yn." Hoseok surveyed the lad from head to toe before calling for you, "Y/nie! A boy named Jungkook is looking for you!" "Y-yeah! Coming." You looked at Jin apologetically, "Sorry. Talk to you next time." You bowed to everyone and said your regards before vacating the room with Jungkook. The sting, he felt it. It wasn't the same as the first time he heard you found somebody new, but it was still there. Jin found out that just after a week of breaking it off with him, you were already dating this Jungkook guy. At first he didn't believe it. He knew you were just as hurt as him for making such a monumental decision. He thought he knew you didn't have it in you to do such a thing. But he's been proven wrong before, why question everything now? He didn't have anyone to blame but himself. So for days and months, he'd been moping around his apartment. Not leaving his room unless he needed to eat or take a piss. His new roommate at that time, Taehyung, was heaven sent. Slowly but surely, he helped Jin recover and come back to his senses. He'd repeat, "It's not the end of the world." And "You'll find other girls." Like it was a mantra. At first he thought the boy was annoying 'cause he didn't want anyone but you. But later on he understood that Taehyung was only looking after him and wanted nothing but the best. As the days went by, he learned to live his life without you in the picture. Somewhere in his heart, he accepted that things were clearly not meant to be; that you weren't the same person you were when you first met; that you didn't love him anymore and maybe you breaking up with him was for the best. He's moved on, he can attest to that. And he doesn't want you anymore. But… Why was there a sudden ache in his heart the moment he saw Jungkook take you by the hand and lead you out of the room with a big smile on your face? That, even himself, can't answer.

--

[jae-canikeepyou]

| me to you | j.jh

pairing: jaehyun x fem!reader genre: soulmate au + oneshot a/n: not proof-read again since i wrote this at midnight. xD enjoy reading

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

being the youngest of five, your siblings anticipated the time you’d meet your soulmate. the circumstances and situations what would bring the both of you together. your friends had their ways of meeting theirs. some met theirs through tattoo initials or through feeling the pain their soulmate felt or even hearing their voices. 

for you in fact, thought it’d be the same. you waited and waited since middle school, and now that you were in college, will he let you wait again? 

“c’mon y/n, he’ll appear in ways you couldn’t imagine. it’ll surprise you.” jiyoung rubbed your head.

“i’m not sad..” you trailed off, followed by a sigh. jiyoung looked at your eyes, all swelled up. “...maybe i’m just.. impatient?” 

“girls are meant to wait~ anyway, wanna order some pizza? my treat.” jiyoung smile grew and you mirrored hers.

“okay, since you’re paying.” you slouched on the sofa.

as jiyoung began to dial digits on her phone, you grabbed the remote to watch tv. a laptop was connected to it so you were able to watch videos from youtube. you would watch whatever came up since you were that bored. after few music videos that were lined up in the playlist, a certain video caught your eye. 

>> jn: we are in thailand right now. we are here-

>> dy: isn’t this jcc?

>> jn: excuse me? we are here for a cup of coffee part 2. right now, my heart is beating a little fast because the battery is about to run out.

you giggled to yourself at the humour the group. the channel was so unfamiliar to you, but remembered how jiyoung did mention one group she stanned for about three years now. it couldn’t be them, could it? jiyoung, who was at the kitchen preparing appetizer before the pizza came, didn’t flinch at this boy group, so you thought it wasn’t them. 

as you continued to watch, your phone reminded you about the medication hour you needed to take after gaining a deep wound you had no idea how you got it. the pill box was at the drawer of the tv stand. your lazy legs dragged you to the front when the video showed a right hand. a pretty one, you thought. but that boy had a scar the same place you had yours.

what if..? 

nah, must be a coincidence, you told yourself as you paused the video. the new plaster on your knuckles felt tight but refreshing at the same time after replacing. you observed your pinky finger, a red string slowly tied around it. what you were seeing as of now, you just laughed it off. it made you to follow where its direction was leading you. and to be honest, you must be dreaming. it appeared at the pinky of the boy’s scarred hand. 

gosh am i that desperate that i’m already imagining things? probably, because i was thinking about my soulmate today. 

jiyoung called you to help her out, carrying three boxes of pizza just for the both of you. 

“seriously? you ordered this much?” you eyed her, but she giggled because she pointed out how much a big eater you were when it came to pizza. no hesitations.

“we go all out for a broken heart~” she singsonged. 

“not like someone who had four dreyers and locked herself in the room.” you teased her, only for you to be hit by a pillow. “ow.” 

“that’s because i was really broken-hearted!” she pouted. 

oh what was the difference then? 

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

you woke up with the sun rays blinding your eyes, where it meant a new morning. the clock alarmed right after you had gotten up. morning stretches was the first thing you did once you drank a glass of water. jiyoung left a note on the fridge where she said she would be back after the third hour of lecture. meanwhile you on the other hand, had a free day today. that meant another day of lazing around, and probably order another pizza. maybe korean food this time. 

the day wasn’t getting any younger, and you decided to meet jiyoung at the university as she didn’t keep her word for arriving as soon as her lecture finished. you checked yourself one last time at the mirror before jumping slightly when the door slammed opened, with jiyoung’s eyes brimming with tears. she hugged you tight with her face nuzzled onto your chest.

“ew stop that! you’re ugly when you cry!” you hissed and pushed her away. “ngh i just showered and now i have to shower again.” 

“skip that y/n! i got tickets!” she wailed like she did when her boyfriend broke up with her three months ago. 

you wiped her tears with the ends of your oversized sweater. “mhm, yay congrats.” you said without emotions before getting hit by jiyoung. 

“you’re coming with me.” her eyes smiled more than she did herself. 

“no thanks i’ll pass.” you waved your hands to reject her offer and noticed something you thought you were dreaming. 

a red string by your right pinky. 

a scream escaped your lips, almost deafening jiyoung. “ugh y/n i understand why you succeeded in the musical callbacks.”

“j-jiyoung ah..” your words quivered more than you hands shook. her eyes widened at the reason of your reaction. 

“y/n.. there’s a red string on your pinky?” she asked in a soft voice. “there’s a red string on your pinky!!” she squealed and jumped like how she found her soulmate a day after eating four dreyers of ice cream. 

“i know!” you squealed. “but isn’t this method ceased?” 

“not exactly! it only meant that the person you’re destined with is someone special!” she said it so dreamy you found it disgusting. 

“oh boo-hoo aren’t all soulmate special?” you furrowed your brows. 

a tug on your pinky caught the attention of the both of you. it was strange but you would be lying if it didn’t spark up excitement within you. “why is it pulling..?”

“does that mean..” jiyoung trailed off before speaking again. “he’s around the city?!”

“i don’t- whoa!” you were dragged by the hand and out of the apartment. 

jiyoung pulled you so sudden that it made you catch your breath, asking her to stop. but to no avail she got you by the arm and began to run. 

not that your friend was absent-minded but she did not see the group of boys who were clearly vlogging. you caught up to her but the force she had on you caused an impact, that you bumped into the group of boys, realizing later you were on top of someone. 

“dude are you okay?” one of the boys asked their friend. 

“y-yeah.” he stood up in pain. you stood up as well and bowed continuously at the action you have done. 

“i’m sorry!” you yelled as jiyoung pulled your arm again. 

“c’mon y/n! don’t be such a slow poke!” she laughed, only to be responded with a yank on her arm. 

she looked at you on the floor, curled in pain. “oh bub i’m so sorry!” 

“it’s alright.” you sat up. “i just felt my pinky-”

a hand appeared in front of you. it was the same one as you saw in the video you watched yesterday. your eyes looked up to a brown haired boy with dimples, who was smiling with ears so pink that his friends teased him for it. 

“hi uhm, i just thought maybe..” he paused and showed his hand. a red string tied to his pinky. “.. you’re my soulmate?” 

“you know miss, he’s been telling us that his pinky had a red string tied to it ever since we arrived the city. we didn’t believe him, not until now.” a blond hair spoke up.

a wave of embarrassment crept your cheeks as he helped you up. you were blushing at the fact the handsome boy you saw in the video was actually your-

“no way? nct 127?” jiyoung squealed as she shook you. 

“in the flesh, yes.” another boy replied with smile, later knowing his name was johnny.

“y/n! we’ll be seeing them at the concert next week!” your friend yet shook you again. 

the dimpled boy chuckled, drawing your attention. “i’m jaehyun.” he brought out his hands for a greet, a plaster appeared on his right. 

“y/n..” you said, and his hand took your in his. 

jiyoung nudged your arm and pulled you to a side hug. “now this is what i mean by special.” 

“by bumping into jaehyun at the street so soon?” you asked. 

“nope, how i told you that he’ll appear in ways you couldn’t imagine.”

[q-gorgeous]

my facebook bio as started in 2011 or later

i almost posted this without a read more but like this doesnt need to just be sitting in the open does it

a cheese covered popsicle bird,sittin in a tree, fartin for its life. hairy cheese snorin for some crab feelin lik it's green.(u kno wat dat means.) dont choke urself.......u may be full of candy. I will be watching the sky's movement........ do not freak me out sky. O_O if only the britsh irishman could confuse the lolipop out of ur daisies so that they could red ur blue cheese I love to sing, read, draw, and be with my friends. I dont like people butting in my business, MANY popular people, bullies,mor anyone who thinks they can do whatever they want. I seem to be bad at keeping friends looking at the point that i have lost quite a few :P well my bio from like two years ago sucks lets update it shall we? wull im [QUISHAWEASLEY] as facebook tells you and i like to sing read and draw and stuff i draw pictures/paint stuff for friends or contests on instagram i read for twelve hours straight once xD and i wanna be on the voice or something but i still needa get better and dat and ye [NOT FRIEND] is mah bae bbf bby fer lyfe [DINGUS] is mah ultra bae cuz ye and murt is panda idk lol wull bye then lol xP Well look were back here again So i am usually called [NAME]/[NAME]/quisha. Whatever one you prefer I am still doin choir and music and stuff and i am also still doin art. I got accepted into miad so im excited about that My favorite medium to use is crayon because not many people use crayon and i appreciate the way it looks I also rlly enjoy ed edd n eddy because i am a child stuck in the 2000s I am a supporter of all rights and people and i will slice anyone who dares deny someone that and ye Well howdy ho neighbor back to updating this gosh darned thing. Im also known as quishaweasley Right now i am in my first year at miad almost done with my first semester. I declared my major and plan on going into illustration. Ive met some kool people there that i enjoy alot so shoutout to paige, gavin, cameron, tala, kylie and anyone else i chat with alot. I still like singing and everything but i no longer have to opportunity to perform with a choir since im not in high school anymore. Crayola and crayons are still the best thing ever and its my go to medium. Ive also been getting into 4d things at school. I still also rlly enjoy ed edd n eddy and i want to animate in that style The past couple of months have been rough because [DINGUS] stepped out of the picture but who needs the lard anyways. Im looking forward to the things i get to do in the future with the people who care about me so x1x1x-x1x4x-x1x7x x:x]x well if im not back for this dumb ritual then i wont say hidey ho yo i go by either [NAME] or quisha, depending on how you met me. im a week from being done with my third semester of college, and its goin gud. along with majoring in illustration im thinking of minoring in digital media production or whatever its called. i still use crayons every once in awhile when i can and my program of choice is illustrator. my shows that are like best are ed, edd, n eddy, danny phantom, and gravity falls. funfact, when i finished watching gravity falls i was like "nah it had a satisfactory ending to it and it was good. i dont need to read fanfiction or watch it millions of times or anything" and guess what happened i got sucked deep into the depths of that fandom and who knows when ill escape also minecraft is gr8. shoutout to gerby who im pretty sure is my best friend. u da bomb hidey hey im back again idk why im doing this its only been a semester since the last one alots changed since then i guess? idk. i still go by either [NAME] or quisha but ive picked up a new nickname "gorgi" because of this whole thing that was the best ever i dont use crayons as much anymore but ive finally figured out how to paint in photoshop and thats become my go to instead of illustrator i still like ed edd n eddy and gravity falls but danny phantom hooked me up, reeled me in, and tied me up and im stuck in the phandom now shout out to laz my bestie lexxie the most coolest been feeling better than i have in a long time after the whole phandom event thing that happened in february so thats cool shoutout to them ok im done this is blp

[ink-logging]

Random Comics Read Recently 2/10/19

Down Memory Lane, Steve Ditko, Robin Snyder, others: Not actually a comic, though published in stapled comic book form - it’s the 27th (and probably final) installment of what Robin Snyder and Steve Ditko dubbed “The 32 Series”. Each book in the series was a 32-page stapled item, and most of them served as a means of publishing Ditko’s newest comics, though the very first one, 2008′s “The Avenging Mind”, was mostly text. “Down Memory Lane” is also mostly text, and is therefore a bookend of sorts - though you might also call it a supplement, in that most of its space is dedicated to publishing correspondence between Ditko, who died in June of 2018, and Snyder, who had worked as an editor, co-writer and co-publisher with Ditko for decades. Much of the content is concerned with the nuts and bolts of putting together The 32 Series, with the occasional amusing detour into the cluelessness of goofball critics and the contemporary goings-on in comics (NEWSFLASH: someone told Steve Ditko about the infamous Spider-Man-erases-his-marriage-via-satan storyline “One More Day”, and he did not like it), but gradually the asides become somber, as 2017 dawns and Ditko finds himself physically unable to draw. “You outlive me, all the material is yours to use as you think best,” Ditko remarks just months prior to his death, and what Snyder has fashioned is a requiem, comprised mostly of Ditko’s own words. It can be purchased from the postal or email addresses found here. 

*

G.I. Joe: Sierra Muerte #1 (of 3), Michel Fiffe: The next in IDW’s series of solo auteur takes on franchise comics with artist biographies on the back cover (see also: Tom Scioli’s “Go-Bots”) is also the newest reflection by “Copra” creator Fiffe on team-based action comics (see also: “Bloodstrike: Brutalists” at Image). I’ve never been much into the team comics Fiffe likes, and as a result I often feel like I’m at a remove in these projects, which roar through the activities of a dozen or so characters across many, many pages of action, with themes of death and revival offering light punctuation: it does seem very much like a sibling work to “Brutalists” so far. But, of course, I love Fiffe’s drawing, and he is one of the fascinating thinkers on this era of comics. 

*

Lady Death: Apocalyptic Abyss #1 (of 2), Brian Pulido, Mike Maclean, Dheeraj Verma, Ceci de la Cruz, Marshall Dillon: So - I spent the whole week preparing a long and very silly twitter thread for the 25th anniversary of the first Lady Death solo comic, and, having committed each and every one of my precious words to memory, I bet you’re all wondering “gosh, I should read a new Lady Death comic and see what it’s like!” Did you know the last Lady Death Kickstarter campaign made nearly $300,000.00? There’s probably a lot to say about how these books are marketed -- packaged as serial one-shots for crowdfunding backers, with lots of incentives, then re-packaged as two-issue stapled miniseries-that-are-actually-an-ongoing-series for the benefit of comic book shops and casual browsers -- but “Apocalyptic Abyss” is a pretty normal superhero comic on the inside, with the ivory-skinned anti-heroine battling alongside a Defendersesque motley crew of supernatural beings against various antagonists, one of which I think I recognize from the 1990s comics. I definitely recognize the artist, Dheeraj Verma, who drew many zombie comics for Avatar Press back in the ‘00s, though he’s been active in India’s pop comics scene since the early ‘90s; the colorist, Ceci de la Cruz, adds a painterly digital gloss to the proceedings, which, again, amount to super-beings socking and blasting one another at the moment, though at least they can all say “fuck.” 

-Jog   

[dailyaudiobible]

01/06/2019 DAB Transcript

Genesis 13:5-15:21, Matthew 5:27-48, Psalms 6:1-10, Proverbs 1:29-33

Today is the 6th  day of January. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I am Brian and it is a pleasure and it is a joy to be here with you as we do this for the first time, we reach out our hand, we grab the knob, we turn it, we push forward, and we walk through the threshold of a brand-new shiny, sparkly, new week and I will remind us of this probably more weeks than not because it is a line of demarcation, like it is a new week, which gives us the opportunity to release the previous week because it has become a part of our history and we can look forward to the new week because it has not yet been lived and it is shiny and sparkly and new. And we stand here at the threshold of this new week and we get to decide how were going to live into what comes next. And when we systematically remind ourselves that His mercies are new every morning, and that we remind ourselves of these new weeks then we get a chance to reflect not only on the past week and how we managed it, but what we’re going to do to properly align ourselves with the Scriptures and with the Holy Spirit's guidance in our lives in the new week. We have a much better chance of succeeding if we pre-decide how we are going to do this, right? A plan is always a better thing than winging it. And, so, we make the plan to step into this new shiny, sparkly, new week and walk with God in every moment and in every conceivable way and watch what that does to this week. And one of the ways we do that is to immerse ourselves in the daily rhythm of the Scripture. So, I guess the lesson as we’re moving into this new year for a Daily Audio Bible right now is that we should pay attention to the brand-new weeks that come our way as opportunities for reset and restarting and one of the things we do as each beginning of each new week, we switch translations and read from another translation, which then gives us a comprehensive view over the course of a year of all that biblical scholarship and translation has to offer us. So, we pick up where we left off, but we just switch translations each week and allow those translations and those translation teams to allow God's word speak to us. So, this week we’ll read from the New International Version and we’ll pick up where we left off yesterday. Genesis chapter 13 verse 5 through 15 verse 21 today.

Commentary:

Okay. So, in the book of Genesis, just to kind of keep us attached to the story that's being told, this man named Abram is going to become a very, very, very important figure and it's probably not too much of a spoiler alert that he will have a name change. And, once he does a bunch of stuff will click into place. This man who has followed this God that he did not know into a land that he had never been influences the world until today and deeply affects three of the world's religions, two of the greatest number and that would be Christianity, Islam and Judaism and they all trace their roots back to this guy. And, so, we’ll watch this unfold as the story goes forward but even as we consider Abram going after his nephew Lot who had been taken captive and that he chased him all the way as far as the city of Dan and beyond, these geographical landmarks that we just kind of go by them, there just places in our imagination, they're not. No, they’re actual places. And, so, the ancient Canaanite city gates of the city of Dan, which had other names before Dan, but these ancient city gates that probably Abram would've had to pass through, they’re still standing, some of the oldest gates in the world. And in February, late February, we’ll be going on an adventure to the land of the Bible. Of course, that's all full. It's been full for over a year, but we go into the land of the Bible and we do this virtually every year. And, so, like, even the gates that I just told you about, as we travel through the land of the Bible visiting these geographical locations where the Bible happened, yeah, we’ll be posting that all up, so you’ll be able to see all of this and the trip becomes virtual. So, so many of the places that we’ll visit in the Bible are actual places and you’ll be able to see what they look like. If you want to kind of jumpstart on that there is a resource in the Daily Audio Bible shop, it’s called Promised Land, the Essential Pilgrim's edition and it is a double DV set that also comes with an instant digital download and there's over four hours a content. I’ve been shooting in the land of the Bible for…gosh…I think six years in a row to amass one of the greatest collections of the landscape of the Bible that exists. And, so, a lot of this is incorporated into the promised land films and what they are is just like two to three-minute short films and each of them is a location and they’re kind of organized by where they are: North, South, East or West in the land of the Bible. And, so you can see these things for yourself as we move through the Bible, you’ll be able to zoom in, watch a quick short film, if that’s what you want to do, and immerse yourself even deeper in the geography of the Bible so that you sort of have a lay of the land as we’re reading these the stories. My whole life I was raised around the Scriptures, I was raised as a pastor son, so these stories, you know, the more famous stories in the Bible were stories I grew up knowing and I always just imagined them and then even as an adult when I kind of returned to the Bible and it became part of my life I still just kind of imagined them. And then finally after many years of being invited I went and I this is like alonmst a decade ago now, but, you know, I didn't….I just thought it was gonna be kind of gimmicky and I just didn't want to go. I thought that it would maybe even mess with my faith in a bad way. I don't know…I just imagined, you know, a place where Jesus did something important in the Scriptures across the street from a McDonald's or something. I just didn't want to see that. That’s not how it is though. And, so, you can see. You can see the land of the Bible with the Promised Land films. That’s over four hours of content and will definitely set you up as we move through the Bible. So, you can check that out, but we will be going to the land of the Bible virtually next month, late next month. So, we’ve got some time and that's always a fun community experience.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word, we thank You for the story that is beginning to blossom and unfold before us as we begin to know some of these main characters that are our spiritual ancestors and begin to know their story and begin to understand that their story connects to our story and even as Jesus, we are listening to Your words that we now call the sermon on the Mount. I’m pretty sure that's not what You wrote at the top of Your notes when You decided to give this message, but this is what we call it and we’re listening to it and it's a deeply challenging thing. We’re right here at the beginning of the year. You begin to press in on us with the truth, You begin to come…we always are inviting You near not understanding that that's not just a sense of comfort, like draw near to me Lord so that I can feel better about whatever's going on in my life and I can feel comforted and I can feel like You’re gonna be here to beat up the bad guys in my life. Sometimes when we pray that You will draw near You do draw near and it confronts us with things that cannot stand in Your presence that are in our lives and this is what we begin to find as we read that what You're telling us in the sermon on the Mount. So, come Holy Spirit, plant the word of God in our lives, interpret it for us into our own contexts and stories as we walk with You and humble ourselves and surrender our agendas, we invite You through Your word to speak on Your own behalf. Come Holy Spirit we pray. In Jesus’ name we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website, its home base, its where you find out what's going on around here

And I mentioned the Promised Land films just a minute ago. I mean, you can check out all of the resources that are in the Daily Audio Bible shop at dailyaudiobible.com. We have collected and continue to do that, to collect resources that are tailor-made for the journey ahead, the journey through the Bible in a year, companions to take you on that journey and accompany you through that journey as you move through the Bible. So, the Promised Land films are certainly that but check it out. Check out the resources that are in the Daily Audio Bible shop as we move forward through the Scriptures.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There’s a link on the homepage. I thank you profoundly and humbly that if this has been life-giving to you over the years are over the last week, if life is coming into your life because of the word of God, then thank you for your partnership. What we've done as the Daily Audio Bible and this won’t be the last time that I say this…I mean we’re entering our 14th year and this was never launched out of some big ministry somewhere. This this grew up out of a prompting and some obedience and out of the dust of the Internet and we've been a community ever since. And, so, what we've done over these years has been done together and everything that will be done as we go through this year will be done because we did it together. So, if you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, thank you profoundly and humbly, thank you. There’s a link on the homepage. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or comment, 877-942-4253 is the number to dial.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

This is Michelle from Gettysburg. I am listening to Brian’s reading from the 31st and just praying in Thanksgiving and I think to myself, how many days this year did I just think that something wouldn’t go or God wouldn’t pull through or how is it going to turn out and here we are on the 365th day of our reading and God is faithful. God is just always faithful. So, maybe you didn’t go the way we thought or maybe things didn’t work the way we wanted them to, but God had a plan. And, good or bad in our minds or our ideas, God was good, He was good all the time. And that is a praise. Even if my mom’s health isn’t exactly what I want it to be or there was a loss this year and all the prayer requests that came over, they weren’t always happy ones and there were many losses but we forged forward and we just took the next step and we just showed up, and we showed up for the readings and we showed up for God’s word and we came because we knew He was faithful. Somehow all of our stories line us back up showing thanksgiving, showing praise, and showing up. So, by the time this gets played it’ll probably be day three of the new year and we just started and took the next step, right? I thank you Daily Audio Bible people showing up, for knowing God is faithful, for knowing that in another 367 days we will be back here praising and thanking Him again as we should each day. I love you.

Dear Holy Spirit thank you for being with me, thank you for being with us and giving us this precious community of believers. On this last day of 2018 I am contemplative as Brian said so eloquently today in his reading, contemplative especially of this new word of the year, “Maintain”. And Lord, I ask that you help us as you always do Lord as we lift ourselves up to You every day and help us to maintain the hope, the hopefulness that You are. Help us to maintain the love that You give and that You have placed in our hearts as believers in Your son Jesus Christ. Help us to maintain the trust in You in knowing that You are everything, everything in our life, and if we maintain that trust and keep You first and foremost, in all things, in all thoughts, in all words and in every day, that You will keep us in the palm of Your hand and bless us exceedingly. Help us to maintain the faith in You always. And I am so grateful for Brian, Jill, Asia…China…I’m sorry…China and I just love all of you and thank you so much for this blessed community. God bless you. Happy new year.

Good morning daily Audio Bible family, this is Dmmy from Dallas Texas. This is my second time calling this year and this year is my first year completing the entire Bible. Of course, I missed some days but I’m going to do it over again for 2019. Have a happy new year everybody.

Good afternoon Daily Audio Bible community. This is Diane Olive Brown from Newburgh Indiana calling on December 31st at 4:12 PM and I have something I found that I think will really encourage your faith. It’s called Authority and it’s an anonymous…I don’t know who did this but it’s really great. When mountains will confront the way like it and leap, arise and say be thou removed and they shall be by the power of God capped in the Sea. All the power on earth, all the power in heaven to Christ, the son of God is given and from the throne He will endue and hindrances will flee from you for all the power of being that man faith through the Lord I surely can. Faith from his power on earth to tread on serpants __ on dragon’s heaf. Where though are oh mountain high, where there though art in earth and sky, when there though art truth is the same be thou removed in Jesus’ name. Be though removed faith will restart for yonder sea arise depart. I may, I can, I must, I will, the purpose of my God fulfilled. Isn’t that wonderful? We have a purpose and we shall fulfill it. Shalom shalom.

Good morning Daily Audio Bible family it’s January 1st. Happy new year. Let’s pray. God please give us the confidence to trust You to charge how things are to how You want them to be in our lives. Only You God can do that, and nothing is impossible with You God. We ask for the commitment that we need to take action. Lord, we pray that we may count our days with wisdom and realize how every day counts in the light of eternity in the saddles of our hearts. Watch over our hearts Father God. Let us ask ourselves in every situation what will this do to my heart. Help us measure our days and let us always ask ourselves, what is this going to do for my life and what is this going to do for my heart in my daily decisions. Please give us a discipline and joyful life Father God did help us to remember that our joy is in You. Help us to have a meaningful life and let us abound in pleasing You God. In Jesus mighty and precious name we pray. And we pray this prayer for all of us, especially for our children and those that are struggling. In Jesus mighty and precious name we pray. This is Nydia from New Jersey. I love you.

[memedokies]

(almost) every anon ask since fall 2016

if u havent noticed i am BAD at answering asks so here’s a Big Dump of most of the asks i’ve gotten in the past few months

ps; i’ve excluded pokemon suggestions bc i plan on getting to them at some point

Hihihi!!! What brushes do you use in fire alpaca??  i dont do much in firealpaca (esp not lately lol) but when i did use it a lot i just used the fill bucket and the standard/default brush to fill in gaps n such lol! i dont really draw in it, i used flash/adobe animate for the lineart and just fill in color in firealpaca :3

when did you start animating?   uhh when i was around 11 or 12 when i started digital art i guess? i just used photoshop for the longest time then got flash when i was like 15 or so

 How did you get flash?  i got the creative cloud dealie, its technically required for my school :—-0 

 hello!! what are you majoring in in vcu?? im thinking about going there for college  im in communication arts! omg cool lmk if u come here ill tell u where to get the best bubble tea

 how many fps do you use for your wiggly animations? i work at 24 fps in flash on twos but just end up using photoshop’s 0 second frame delay/ “no delay”?

 Hey love your animations! What do you animate with?  adobe animate 2017! (previously flash) 

You mentioned a YouTube channel but I can’t seem to find a link to it? Do you post processes on there? https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCovvoZxlQjFaIA7A3w_94Zw theres not much atm but i plan on posting a lot more, including process/speedpaints! 

i really like your art style gosh darn!!! everythings so fluid and stylized and nice aaa (also ur animations are goals) do u have any tips for someone still developing their artstyle????  WAH TYSM!!!!! compile art you already like and incorporate aspects from their styles into yours, BUT dont limit urself to one style! if u like something then try it out! do straight up copies (as PRACTICE, DONT CLAIM IT as your own ofc) of stuff you like to see how they work and what you’re clicking with. spending time on fundamentals is MEGA helpful so keep going back to that too! USE REFERENCES!!! draw …from ur soul…what makes u ..FEEL good

 how do you make that burn effect on your lineart? it makes it your pieces look sharper and even more interesting, it’s super cool!!  when i used to use flash for lineart and firealpaca for coloring a lot, setting the lineart layer on BURN with the coloring layer seeping a lil past the lineart would get this effect automatically 

(like on the whiskers. u can see it gets a brighter brown(?) and the warmer yellow on the ears)

but since then i’ve been using sai+photoshop more so i just do it manually! i’ll use this funny pic of me and my cat as an example lol

^i select the lineart/everything i want the funky color around

^slam that INCREMENT button a couple times

^make a new layer under the lineart

^fill that puppo with ur preferred color! something brighter works best, or even straight up white

that’ll give you something like this

then i open it in photoshop

and i mess with the pink line layer’s blending mode..color burn usually does the trick but depending on the Look you’re going for, saturation, multiply and overlay have some similar effects that look cool. 

i also usually get rid of the outermost edge of pink line that’s visible around the lineart, just so it looks a little cleaner? to do that you just select around your lineart, increment/expand selection, and delete/erase in the selection of the pink line layer

uhh yeah! lmk if anyone needs clarification on this, i have some other #TIPS on makin ur art look crusty and funky so…lemme know if you’re interested :—3

What do you use to animate? And, a more specific question, how do you make transparent animated gifs? adobe animate 2017! (previously flash) i export my animation from flash as a png sequence then open it in photoshop, where the background will be transparent and save it as a gif from there nyaaa

if anyone needs more clarification lmk and i’ll make a proper walkthrough :-0

 Hello!! Ur art is rlly pretty and so inspirational and nice to look at!! 💗💗 I was wonderin’ if ya had any tips on choosing shapes for characters? Like, when you draw shapes for a certain character, it looks rlly like it fits with the character’s personality n stuff!! ( e.g: Your Love Live! drawings!! The characters look so good in your style.) I’ve always admired how u did that n was hoping for some tips maybe?? Anyways, have a good day!!💛💖💟💜💝💞💖 HOOGA!! TYSM!!! and YEA you basically guessed it, i mainly just think about the character’s personality and translate that into a shape or Pheeling… 

especially for anime characters i look at the Very Subtle differences in the character’s original design..or possibly canon implications…for example kotori has slightly different eyes (it also says on her wiki page she has soft droopy eyes!) so i make sure to incorporate that Detãile

 anime wiki pages that have details like that is nice, for love live they have cute lil “charm points” which is really cool n helpful! listening to how a character is described in their world can give clues to what differentiates them which you can make more clear in your design

taking into account each characters context is good too, what they do/hobby/personality and how that could affect their appearance/posture/attitude

 YEAH its really fun to figure out certain characteristics and make it evident in their appearance! or. idk thats just what i do lol. hopefully this helps!

Have you ever seen the anime jojos bizarre adventure? alas i have not..i have some friends whom are into it so i’ll prob end up watching it sometime lol

sorry if this is obvious but!! are you the creator of Fork and Knife: Food Fighters?? your gif of fork is super cute btw!! yes i am!! wah tysm!!

Hey my little sister found your animation on an online art gallery and she really loved it! omg cool, thanks so much!!

Your style is so lovely!! OHG thanks!

your blog is so precious i love it a lot! your art is so cute too ^u^ waa thanks!!

Your art and animations art really cool! Keep up the good work! You are amazing!! aahg thank you!! :’333

 your art is fuckening amazing hh broe…tysm

 Oh my gee, I used to follow you on Deviant Art, and now here I am, finding you on accident. You’re still as talented as ever. =w= b hUIOpugh deviantart, my homeland..my origin.. thank you!!!

- O mg I love your art! 💕💕💕 thank you!! heart emojis!!! 💖💖💖

- your art and animations give me so much inspiration, thank you! everything about your style is so fun and it cheers me up omg this validates my top tier goal in life, im so glad!! thank you SO much!

Your style is so charming and adorable ;__; thank you!!

ur art is so gross in the best way possible this is the biggest compliment ive gotten thank u so much. i love making gross squishy awful drawings

IM SO HAPPY I FOUND YOU!!!! IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR AGES!!!!!!!!! I LIVE FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL ART!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! BHOLY CRAP THANK YOU!!!

 your art style is very cute ! 🌱 oohg thanks!! thanks for the little sprout emoji, i love her

GOOD ART!!!! good art good art good art EVERYWHERE I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHHGG THANK YUO

how do ya draw such cutely its driving me nuts Nuts NUTS !!! I LOVE SPARKLES AND BRIGHT COLORS AND FUNNY ANIMALS..its my lifeblood..thank u.. 

You’re a really rad artist! I’m Glad there’s some cool artists that are local! Have a good time at VCU! oh wow thanks!! 

Ur shapes r so good thanks i LOVE a nice wholesome shape!

I rlly like ur art style my dude thanks!! 

hi! just wanted to let u know that you’re wonderful and i wish u well in everything u do this is making me bVERY HAPPY THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

 Im love You!! IM L OVE YIOU

that meowth boy is so good. i love him as he is my son THANK YUO i too, love meowth a Lot

 I love how your art is basically lines and curves, it’s very cute oo thanks! 

i love your art style so much!! it’s so zesty? i cant think of a better word to describe but its like. zesty & refreshing & rly rly cool !!! THATS A BEAUTIFUL ADJECTIVE I LOVE IT thank u so much!!!

You seem like you would watch Osomatsu-san. I could see you drawin dem bois in you hella rad art style. osomatsu was the wildest ride of my life. tho i dont think i could physically be able to sit down and draw them seriously ever… 

 Pls make more angry cat comics theyr so halarious plllls 👀 more are on the way!!!!!!

Have you done a meet the artist i sketched one when the meme was still poppin..is it too late lol? maybe i’ll still do it

[haeroniel-doliet]

So I've today created an art instagram bc I kinda wanna see what I can do again right? (@haeroniel.doliet if u interested)

And obviously it's been years since I was in my ~prime~ of posting art on here, like gosh. 2013-2016 i think? Its been 4 years and 6 monts to the day, if you count whole months not days in a year (15th february 2016 - 15th august 2020) when I last posted a drawing I did digitally.

I'm gonna assume I've used the tablet since then, but not a whole lot bc its been in hindsight a busy 4 and a half years. Finished high school and I'm 3 years deep in uni now.

Crazy! I mean I obviously have drawn with traditional mediums every now and then meanwhile, and passively learning and absorbing knowledge and also am now 21 and not 14 with a POOR sense of anatomy

Amyway wish me luck that i actually keep at this and keep drawing bc it does bring me joy that i can create something nice and even beautiful with my hands

[artstartart]

Erik’s Picks March 2020

Here's something you might not know about me.  I'm not particularly digitally savvy.  That might come as a surprise to you as a co-founder of an online art platform, but any and all technical expertise in this venture comes from my co-founder Alok.

I don't have an Instagram account and if you find me online there's a strong change I'm browsing the free section on Craigslist - I love an old school marketplace.

There's been a lot of talk over the past few weeks that "everything's going to move online/remote" and naturally I have mixed feelings about this reactionary perspective.  In terms of the art-world, I believe there needs to be a robust digital infrastructure to support artists (which is what we do for art school students), and I think there's a huge opportunity for support online in the arts (yes, you can buy art without seeing it in person first!).  That being said, I'm a staunch believer that there is no replacement for living with original art in the flesh, and that the making and selling of the physical work is fundamentally important to our culture.  

At ASA, I believe we're the best of both worlds, presenting a stellar collection online every month and then facilitating a transaction that provides a wonderful experience in person.

Below are some of my favs from the March collection.  Check them out online first by clicking the image below.  After that, click buy, and have something truly exceptional delivered to your doorstep.

Erik | Co-Founder ArtStartArt

There's a reason why this is a customer favorite this month.  Well a lot of reasons.  Yushan Sha's painting Oranges is as close to universally appealing as you can get.  With subject matter and brushwork reminiscent of impressionist masters like Cezanne and Pissarro, this oil on canvas embodies the energy and vibrancy that transcends a facsimile of the subject.  The relatively minimal color palette is superbly dexterous, and for an original work of this size, this piece is an exceptional value - no question.

Man oh man I like this drawing.  Abbi Kenny (Rhode Island School of Design), created it during her time at the Dumfries House Drawing Residency in Scotland (hosted by the Royal Drawing School in London), and really where do I begin on such a complicated, yet seemingly effortless study.  The way forms and colors overlap in the technicolor setting is so beautiful and captivating.  It would be so easy to have this much pigment result in moments of muddiness as color hops from bouquet to crystal to enameled plate - but it doesn't happen once.  This is Abbi's first month on ASA and I've already personally requested that she list more work for a special partnership we have going next month.  That's to say she is raw talent with a remarkable eye, and for close to $100 this original drawing is an absolute freakin' steal.

Gorgeous.  Look at this one by Michelangelo.  Now look back at this work by Iman Zadrozny - it's masterful.  The proportions, the softness of the skin, and weight of the muscle and flesh, they're simply exquisite.  I recommend all types of artwork to folks looking to add originals to their home, and I sincerely believe that no collection (large or small) is complete without some figurative work.  This study will simply stun you in person.  I'm positive of that because it's remarkably beautiful even as the small digital file you are viewing now.

My wife loves this piece, which I do as well, and her insistence on its uniqueness and painterly qualities encouraged me to study it more closely the past couple of days. Cindy Qiao (Rhode Island School of Design), created this work by stitching different pieces of fabric together (check out the multiple images in the listing to see this in more detail) that reference memory and youth, and the result is a tapestry that is deceptively childlike and utterly powerful.  The more I look at this work the more I am compelled by its phycological effect and dreamlike qualities.  It's big at 30"x40", and in person will take your mind to another place.  I agree with my wife when she says she could see this work in a museum.

I'll tell yeah, those artists at Rhode Island School of Design (RSID) put out some seriously good artwork in the March collection, and this drawing is flat out brilliant.  The second I saw this, Thomas Hart Benton came to mind (he ran with John Steuart Curry and Grant Wood - go ahead and look them up), and I haven't been able to take my mind of this strange and wonderful scene - a modern Regionalist piece with joyful and slightly bacchanalian energy.  Gosh it's an exceptional drawing, the way the shadows dance around the figures, through the soft wheat.  I'd go there right now if I could.  You'd get pretty close living with this work in person.

Someone told me recently that I showcase too much figure work in my picks.  Perhaps a fair criticism, but you know, these are Erik's picks, and by golly I'm gonna evangelize good portrait/figure work when I see it!  This piece David, by Anna Chen is one sweet little oil painting (and it's priced so well). The figure's skin reflects an array of beautiful colors and his reclined pose and almost blank face creates an aura of clam and reflection.  This work would pair beautifully with another of Anna's paintings, David II, and I can see them living in harmony perfectly.  Maybe you can see it too, but are thinking, "me, buy two nude figure works, dare I...". Yes, you should.

I grew up skiing a bit with my family, and it was for a number of years an annual vacation. A snow-covered escape from the largely winterless Texas environment.  I'm not great or anything and haven't been in years, but I really cherish my memories of those trips.  There came a time when my dad and I skied together for the most part and I remember sitting next to him on the chairlifts.  Long silent moments watching the mountain pass below you, cold hands and warm fogged breath that filled the fleece covering my face. A little anxiety as the lift approached the top and a sonder as I watched skiers pass below me and looked up at my dad who patted me on the shoulder.  Art can tap deep into you, and this work by Jacklyn Cordova does for me.

I won't lie, I find this work extremely seductive, and that's because it is.  These siren-like figures fill this monumental canvas (3'x4') in an almost tessellating fashion, hip rolling into waist rolling into hip.  It's painted by an artist, Lizeth Terrazas, who has an exceptional command of rendering the human form.  She has sold a lot of work recently, and it's in part because her art is raw, exceptionally crafted and undeniably captivating.  It's also in part because her prices are, frankly, shockingly low. If you are ready to own a masterwork like this, then do it, because this piece in person will draw you in with its song indefinitely.

What makes some drawings explode off the paper with a vitality and life? That at once you recognize the thing they represent yet feel overwhelmed with their beauty and significance.  Is it how accurately they are drawn, or how abstracted they become?  Which marks need to be crisp, deep and unadulterated, and which need to be blurred, blended and pushed into the scene? What colors and forms need to vibrate next to one another and which need to sink together into oblivion?  Some folks dedicate their lives to study the answers to these questions, in theory or practice. I just generally know it when I see it, and feel it.  This oil stick drawing by Logan Heilman is a rare and beautiful work.

It was one of my goals when we started ASA to be around long enough to watch an artist evolve. To see their skill and practice grow and to witness and behold what happens when someone with talent and vision pursues their passion and pours it into their craft over time.  There are a number of artists who I've watched closely and Jon Stahly is one of them.  He's been a superbly talented draftsman and printmaker since day one, but now, as an MFA candidate at Maine College of Art, I see his newer work as perhaps less literal and more visceral.  His unique stippling technique is even more refined and his subjects, while perhaps less visually complicated, are more emotionally evocative.  There is a deep beauty and a weight to his work (and I've seen it in person), that is bittersweet.  It brings me a lot of joy to see what he is creating.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Trolls thought I was a man. That saved me.

This post is part of Me, online, Mashable's ongoing series digging into online identities.

I was locked in my friends’ bathroom on the phone with my thesis adviser and staring at Reddit. It was snowing pretty hard and though there was a window with some theoretical light streaming in, I felt like I was under a blanket, the flashlight of my attention pointed at a screen that I refreshed and refreshed and refreshed. I was discussing the critical thesis component required for my graduate degree, an MFA in creative writing. It was titled Masculinity and the Making of the Modern Nerd. It was a mess.

“Does that make sense?” my adviser asked, or something like that. I don’t know, exactly, what she’d said, other than the paper didn’t work, because I was preoccupied. We need a Kotaku In Action Action, a user typed. And they were typing it about me. Refresh, refresh, refresh.

“Yes, I think. Sorry, something weird and bad is happening right now?”

She paused. “Are you okay?”

“I think so? I think I’m fine.”

SEE ALSO: The email problem no one is talking about: mistaken identity

I’d been the Geekery Editor at Autostraddle, a popular website primarily by and for queer women and non-binary folks, for some years. I’d both written about Gamergate and assigned others to write about it. My entire first novel? It was (and still is) about the phenomenon of weaponized nerds, radicalized young men (primarily white and western) terrorizing women over games. At Autostraddle, I’d written an essay in 2016 praising one of the central targets of Gamergate for doing as much good as can possibly be done in the wake of a harassment campaign against her, and then moving on with her gosh darn life like a woman on a mission. 

I’d thought my biggest crime with this piece was writing it just a bit too saccharine; I was lavish with my compliments. The gamers on Kotaku in Action apparently thought it was more egregious than that — perhaps the worst offense in the entire world: that I might not be a "real nerd" at all.

I struggle to explain Kotaku in Action every time I have to, because it truly defies explanation and has the many heads of a hydra collective. It’s the Reddit forum that perpetuated GamerGate, a place to coordinate targeted rape- and death-threats against women in the games industry — when a user says “Kotaku In Action Action,” it is likely to these types of activities they are referring. 

It is synonymous with the alt-right (and strategically so). It’s full of (mostly) dudes with no sense of culture or community outside their homogenous gaming forums; these rootless young men long to be a part of something bigger, something greater and so, Kotaku in Action it is. A place on the internet that’s part of the Manosphere and also includes Pick Up Artists, Incels, and Men’s Rights Activists. A place so toxic that its creator recently tried to shut it down, calling it a “viral cancer,” and Reddit, in its infinite wisdom, decided to save it. A place that I’ve spent years researching in service of my fiction; I often say it is the butthole of the internet, and I’ve spent the last four years giving the world wide web a proctology exam.

When I was first alerted to the thread, I was scared. I’m no stranger to a good hate pile-on—I do work on the internet, after all, and writing for the queer community often means antagonizing some harsh critics, both without and within. The GamerGaters, though? I’d spent two years flying under the radar of these fine, upstanding gentlemen internet terrorists. I wrote for queer women, for non-binary folks. I thought that must be the reason why: They were uninterested in what I had to say because I was never saying it to a mainstream audience, to the normal set of gamers, and so I never got hit. I thought I must not be a threat; that wasn't quite it. I was wearing armor. Armor I had no idea I'd ever put on.

I was filled with too much nervous energy after seeing the thread to stay in my apartment, so I went to the Strand and stress-bought a Virginia Woolf Saint Candle, a Moleskine notebook I didn’t need, and a book on drawing happy people. When it was time for me to get back to my own space, I found I didn’t want to. My head was filled with all the stories, the doxxing, the SWATting, the things that can happen if you walk through the digital world as boldly female. It’s dangerous to go alone; I didn’t want to be alone. I told my Dungeons and Dragons group what was going on — I figured they’d be the most likely to understand, being a group of gamers. And that’s how I wound up locked in my dungeon master’s bathroom, talking to my adviser as I watched the comments build up on Reddit.

The guy spends way too long jerking himself off in the first paragraph about how much of a nerd he is.

When I was growing up, in the 80s, geek and nerd was a derogatory slur. I don't get the desire to identify with labels the popular people tried to shame us with... Anyhow, the term "geekery" makes my skin crawl. I guarantee you this guy knows fuck all about the history and intricacies of the various so-called "geek" interests.

I'm guessing he was alone for Valentine's Day.

They were mean — but they weren't threatening. There was only the one. The rest — just grousing. I'd seen much worse happen to other folks. To more feminine folks. Refresh, refresh, refresh.

I came out as trans last fall, but I’ve looked like this for a long time: close-cropped hair, chest flattened by a binder, every stitch of clothing I own from the men’s department. My fellow queer writers had seen me coming for years. But at the time this was happening in 2016? I was still white-knuckled from clinging to the sisterhood. Even though I’d get “excuse me, sir?” while walking about in public, right up until the point I opened my mouth to speak. Even though, more than once, folks had been very concerned when they happened upon me in the women’s room. Even though literally all my (repressed) internal barometers pointed to “not a woman.” 

I love my family, my queers; we are a people used to existing in the strange gray area. We are a people used to taking slurs from the mouths of hate-filled adversaries and tattooing them on the soft muscles of our hearts, making celebration and community out of words meant to hurt us. I figured I was just a failure at femininity; that the definition of woman was broad and that my masculinity fit within it. Those are all true things, they’re just not true for me. Still, it was shocking to see, this assumption that I was a man — a popular man, at that! 

It's annoying to me when popular hacks call themselves nerds. Especially because having been a nerd back when the word meant social outcast. It was them who came in and caused all beatings and insults.

Back in my friend’s bathroom, my adviser asked, incredulously, “They think you’re a guy?” 

“I think so,” I replied and I read her some of the comments.

“How?”

I explained it to her; it had happened before, this confusion. When I identified as a woman, I published under the name “Ali,” which, for half of this world, isn’t a woman’s name at all. My photo was next to my byline and people didn’t really read what the website was about if they found it from an outside source. I wrote largely about technology; my longest-running column was titled Queer Your Tech. A lot of folks (wrongly) consider that some “boy-stuff.”

She didn’t believe me until months later, when I was taking over her website from her former designer (I maintain the websites of a few authors I know). As he was passing me all the information I needed, he conducted the entire transaction calling me “he” in all the emails. HE THINKS YOU’RE A DUDE my adviser texted me, privately. In digital space, where I never have to open my physical mouth, where I am simply a collection of characters on a screen, no one ever looks at me with their eyebrow raised; no one ever corrects themselves. I am whatever I am assumed first to be. And I’m doing and saying the “boy-stuff.”

“Yup,” I responded. “I told you.”

Eventually, I did come out of the bathroom. I waited. These were tamer than the reports of what happened to the women who crossed the GamerGaters. I was expecting the worst — surely, if it hadn't happened yet, the worst would be coming and it was only a matter of time. I waited through the night for something to happen. 

And nothing ever did.

“Do they even know you spent the entirety of seventh grade eating lunch in the guidance counselor’s office because you were too unpopular to eat in the cafeteria?” my friend Laura said from my couch the next day. “You — you’ve never been cool. Except to me, you were cool to me.” Laura and I have known each other since the fourth grade. She stuck with me through my obsession with the musical Cats and my childhood assertion that I was an alien from Saturn. And now, she was volunteering to be my questing buddy. To keep her eye on the thread, to make sure I was safe, so I wouldn’t have to keep refreshing it.

“It’s taking everything I’ve got not to jump on and say something to these people.”

“Don’t do that. That’ll make it worse.”

What I meant was: Don’t do that, they’ll figure out I’m one of the things they hate. Because I’d developed a hypothesis, one that keeps proving itself even now, years later. I said things they disliked, disagreed with. They called me an SJW (social justice warrior), but I looked masculine enough that the Kotaku in Action Action never materialized. 

Looking like a dude was armor; it played on the subconscious prioritization of all things manly. I’ve watched queer femme authors get harassed so intensely that they have to leave the internet, and many of them aren’t even trying to poke the GamerGaters. The cause isn’t in the content, or the severity of the imagined offense. It’s in the gender presentation of the author. Those that the heteronormative world deems masculine people can talk; those they deem feminine people better watch their backs.

And the things about the way I present online one might perceive as feminine (allying myself with women, the over-prooving of my right to speak on a subject) were but small scratches in an armor built of clipper cuts and and computer-speak. “Boy stuff.” The reason I was never considered a threat wasn’t because of who I was speaking to; it was because of who I was — ultimately, not like those “other girls.” Weaponized nerds use their masculinity as a sword; now I know I can wield masculinity as armor to go questing in the darkest caves, in the buttholes of the internet. My masculinity allowed their eyes to slide right over me. Allowed isn’t even the right word; encouraged, perhaps. 

Two years later and not much has changed. It’s still happening; I am one variant, one echo of it. It wasn’t the masculine half of #PlaneBae that got chased off the internet, for instance. This isn’t a phenomenon isolated to me, or to queers, or to 2016, or to GamerGate. This is just the way it is, out there, on the internet. I could’ve identified as trans at the time this happened, instead of as a woman, and it wouldn’t have mattered. It’s the nature of being squeezed into two dimensional space while being squashed by the patriarchy. I am whatever people assume me first to be. I am safer online because of it.

A.E. Osworth is the Managing Editor of Scholar and Feminist Online at Barnard College and Part-Time Faculty with The New School’s Creative Writing Department, where they teach digital storytelling. You can find their writing at Autostraddle, where they contribute regularly, and Argot Magazine, where they are a columnist. You can also catch up with them on Twitter or Instagram.

WATCH: Meet the 10-year-old drag kid shaping the future of drag youth