#grief miscarriage pregnancyloss angels

[rosieengel]

the beauty and the terror

I’ve been contemplating starting a blog for a long time now, but felt paralyzed with terror because I couldn’t find a great opening post topic. This week, the topic found me. I’ve had the draft saved with my finger hovering over the “post now” button for a few days. So, here it goes. 

My first post is about my most recent brush with beauty and terror, best encapsulated, I think, in the mystical words of the poet Ranier Maria Rilke: 

Let everything happen to you Beauty and terror Just keep going No feeling is final

In one of my favorite books of all time, Awareness, Anthony de Mello ponders and unpacks those non-final, fleeting moments in life - he points to the fact that our cells live and die so often that we have to wonder, who am “I” after all? Was I the same person I was in the past? No. Not physically, at least, but isn’t our “consciousness” also comprised of a neural network made up of cells? So we are also not our feelings or our emotions. As a matter of fact, we have to liberate ourselves from our experiences altogether if we are to be fully present in the here and now, or we become hijacked by the filters that create our reality. This becomes even more interesting when we consider how many of our memories may be false or fabricated. How much of my past did I dream? How much did I experience in consciousness? “Don’t carry over experiences from the past... don’t carry over good experiences from the past either. Learn what it means to experience something fully, then drop it and move on to the next moment, uninfluenced by the previous one.... You’d know what eternal life is, because eternal life is now, in the timeless now.” In this book, de Mello suggests, no demands, that the reader, “Wake up”.  Wake up to how we filter reality. Wake up to our excuses. Wake up and be aware. 

I’ve always taken this book very seriously, but it became more important to me when I experienced my first pregnancy loss. The week before Christmas 2017, we experienced major emotional and physical whiplash; we were excited about the possibilities of the new life I was growing. We had told our family and friends, and like a lot of mothers-to-be, I was already dreaming about all of the amazing and absolutely terrifying ways our lives would change. I had spent my 20s and most of my 30s focused on my teaching and playing career, my health, and music. It was time to take care of someone else and I was looking forward to a new chapter (that I thought about my life then in terms of chapters is preposterous and that is worth another blog post). But the Universal Creator had different plans for us, as He typically does. At 12 weeks into my pregnancy and three days before Christmas, I had a miscarriage on the other side of the country and felt a tremendous sense of loss and confusion. In the ER, I could only hold tightly to E’s hand and eeck out, “Our little kumquat...” I was really shocked. I felt as if no one understood - I was grateful for the kindness of everyone around me, but at the same time, I felt as if they were too afraid to give me any comfort or love. Now I know that that is no one else’s responsibility but my own. 

Much to my surprise (and other women who have lost babies or children probably grok this), many ordinary and mundane things in life became very difficult. Particularly because it was Christmas. I found I couldn’t really think about the future at all. Holiday traditions and cheer seemed trite and fabricated. I fought back breakdowns whenever I was around children of any age. Drops would well up in my eyes whenever anyone started talking about their dreams of getting pregnant or starting families. I sat amidst the glee and celebration screaming inside, “HEY!!! CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I’M STILL HERE AND DONT YOU KNOW WHAT IM FEELING!?!??!?!” I would go to the bathroom bleeding, cramping, and sad as I waited for the miscarriage to finish playing out to its gruesome end. I was ashamed to burden others with my uncomfortable tears. I will never forget how I reached into the toilet to touch, pick up, and say goodbye to what I believe was the last of the tissue that remained.

In the days afterward, I came across what would become a well-loved piece by Brian Andreas:

This is how I came to see that first baby - as an angel who was with me so briefly, but made such a terrific impact on my life. An angel, who most certainly prodded me to “wake up” in a de Mello sense. Immediately upon my return home, I said my goodbye to her and started healing (and it’s still happening). I felt an enormous calling to help and to heal others too; in the process of healing with Craniosacral Therapy (CST), I decided to study it myself and enrolled in massage therapy school.  CST helped me to fully experience that pain and grief, down to the mitochondria of my cells, through my fascia, through my very center.  When my inner spirit sensed the healing presence of Erin, my therapist, emotions bubbled up through my solar plexus, through my left hip, my ribs, my sternum. They still do, even today. As an additional part of my healing, I dragged myself to talk therapy for a whole year. My counselor recommended EMDR, using vibration and aural cues because I’m a musician. Through this therapy I finally fully experienced some trauma that I had hidden, buried in my tissues. I came to realize and acknowledge that I had not held proper space for myself and my loss. I had been remiss in thinking that life should go according to my plans, that the world owes me certain things, that I have even a tiny bit of control over my path. The worst is that I held so much shame for all of the things I thought I had failed at in my life. I couldn’t live my pop rocks life because I was looking externally for validation that I was worthy in this world - I was looking everywhere but inside my own spirit. I believe this is what also attracted me to academia, a field where accolades, accomplishments, and the correct lines on your vitae become a measure of your life’s work. That was a tough pill to swallow, but I’ve come to terms with that realization. I’m still healing today in other ways and I probably always will be.

This week, I was gifted a second angel. Even though she is gone now, I will always think of her as Eliza Jane. We conceived her without really intending to around New Years in New Orleans. I love walking down Magazine Street toward the Quarter. When we would walk by the hotel, I would admire its historic, embossed vertical sign. I offhandedly told E that I would love to name a hypothetical daughter Eliza Jane. Two weeks later, I would learn that she was already there.

Early miscarriage is very common. Statistically speaking, 1 in 4 confirmed pregnancies end (that they know of). So - why don’t we talk about it? Why do I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I am part of this statistic? The answer explains why this post stayed in draft form for so long. 

I drove myself to the ER this week, in pain and bleeding. My midwife suggested that I go if I was concerned and if I wanted a quick answer. The answer was not good, but.... I knew the answer already.  I had felt the absence in my body, the little tug at my heart when her life left me. I won’t say that it was easier this time, but I knew what to expect. I knew what the pain would feel like; I would not be taken off-guard by the waves of grief and sadness, the emptiness, and in some ways, the feelings of loneliness and alienation. I was able to hold space for myself this time, to sit in silence, to be in my own home, my own bathroom. I didn’t have to speak to anyone. E was with me and we were together. These two losses have brought us closer together. As I laid in the ultrasound room, unable to see the images that the silent technician kept from my view, I renewed the gratitude in my heart that the Universe brought E and me together.  It may sound like a sappy cliche, but this is the only way I can put my love for him into words right now: the threads of grief in our souls are so "bare” when they are left alone, but when weaved together, make us inseparable and stronger than ever before.

When I got home from the hospital, I planted myself in bed to mentally prepare for the night ahead. Our scrappy, stray cat, Tikky, crawled into bed with me. She rarely does that. As I writhed in bed and moaned in pain, she planted herself next to me. Sprawled out against my belly, she stayed. Although I thrashed about, she remained, wide awake and concerned. Even in that moment, I was so present and grateful for her healing energy. She reminded me that the sick and pained don’t have to crawl into the corner, to lick their wounds alone. The strongest survive with the help and love of others. She sent me light in her own way, without saying anything at all. This is one of the many things I have learned from cats.

I’m sharing this story with the hope that it reaches others who have been through a similar experience. To you - you are not alone. Would this be different if I had a stillborn or if I lost an infant? No. Not according to my belief system. After the worst was over, I woke up before dawn to hear a robin trilling outside my window. In my world, nothing is a coincidence.

If you have not had this experience, open your eyes to those around you who are suffering in silence. Wake up. Just as someone communicates joy and celebration with new life and new possibilities, there is also someone who is crying and mourning the loss of a life. There are also those who did not want to create life and decide to end it (or they don’t). This isn’t just confined to miscarriage - there are people struggling around you. You must assume they are doing their best and it is not their responsibility to make you feel happy with your life.  If you find yourself riled up or offended because of someone else’s struggle, or what you feel to be their failures or incompetencies, just ask yourself - am I taking this personally? I ask myself that question often - that is part of the process of waking up. It’s the process of leading a more compassionate life. Death surrounds us and it is part of a cycle that is repeating. There’s something comforting to me about the cycles of life. My cycle, that of the earth and moon, and the seasons.  Your cells die, they shed, they turn over. It does not happen to us, it is us.

Of course, we should be happy. We should experience bliss and joy and scream it from the mountaintops, all others be damned! But can’t we also show our heartbreak, sadness, grief, and despair? Instead of turning and running from the pain, what if we leaned into the uncomfortable and said something. ANYTHING. Say you’re sorry. Ask if they are okay. Say that you don’t know what to say, but you are here to talk. Be there in silence. Be a shoulder or a hug. Hold space for them in your heart. Reach out. That’s something. Let yourself see the terror and the beauty, because if you don’t, your life will consist only of coincidences and you may miss the angels who are helping you along the way to wake up so that you do not miss your life.

Tikky didn’t leave me to lick my wounds alone. She nestled in and hunkered down right next to the pain. She leaned into it and sat there patiently through my tears and gibberish. Just as I am here to do for you, my friend.

[thehugginschronicles]

October is breast cancer awareness month. And not to detract from that; my grandma is a survivor of breast cancer, and I believe it deserves all the awareness to cure.

However, It is also infant and pregnancy loss awareness month. Specifically today, October 15th, is infant and pregnancy loss awareness day.

Did you know that 1 in 4 women will experience the loss of a pregnancy? That if you have four newly pregnant women in one room, statistically, one of them will wake up one day and their once growing baby, through no fault of their own, will be gone?

Many women who experience these losses never speak about them. Through a combination of guilt, shame, taboo, and grief, their children that once grew inside them are never spoken about. For some, the memory of losing their beloved baby is too much; talking about it makes it worse. For others, the subject is considered uncomfortable to others, so in the interest of others’ comfort, the memory of their unborn children is kept alive only in their minds.

And these women, they all belong to one of the absolute worst clubs you can belong to. The child loss club. But these women, they comfort the new members. They embrace the women who newly find themselves lost, not knowing if feeling the pain or numbing it is best. They are the women who cherish each and every moment with their living children, if they have them, because they know just how quickly their little miracles can be taken away. For those who have only experienced loss, with no living children of their own, they live through the children of others. These mothers, but not mothers. They light up when holding the child of another. They crave for those moments when someone offers their child for them to hold.

If you’ve never experienced it, you will never know. You will never know how it feels when what was supposed to be your baby’s due date comes, and you’re reminded that (s)he isn’t coming. You will never know that ping of jealousy you know you shouldn’t have overcomes you at the sight of someone else having what you lost. You will never know the emptiness that fills you some days. You will never know. And I pray to God that you never do.

I am the one in four. Twice. Today, I commemorate the lives I have lost. I choose to speak, to not remain silent. Because my babies existed. They mattered. And even though they were gone before they even really lived, they were, and still are, so incredibly loved.

For everyone who belongs to this club, you are so strong. Even on the days that feel like you’re drowning, you can swim. We are the 1 in 4. Our babies lived, however briefly. they mattered. They are loved. And we will never forget about them.

[themomsandthecity]

New Pregnancy Trend Has Expectant Women Turning Their Ultrasounds into Manicures

Before it’s time to paint the nursery, many moms are painting their nails with the likeness of their baby on the way. A new trend has emerged that has moms-to-be flocking to nail salons with their ultrasound photos in hand, requesting a manicure crafted to look just like their little ones’ first snapshots. Most of the impressive photos floating around social media seem to be of women who had their nails decorated for gender-reveal parties, baby showers and similar events. One Swedish Instagram user (who happens to be a hairdresser and nail artist herself) with twins on the way even shared a snapshot of a nail set that showed two sonogram images to represent both of her babies. Want all the latest pregnancy and birth announcements, plus celebrity mom blogs? Click here to get those and more in the PEOPLE Parents newsletter. View this post on Instagram 1+1=4 Som flera av er säkert redan har misstänkt så ligger det en liten bebis i min mage. Inte bara en har vi fått reda på, utan TVÅ! Vi väntar tvillingar!! Jag vet inte än hur länge min kropp kommer orka jobba, men jag är beräknad 21 december (tvillingar kommer ofta runt 1 månad för tidigt). Första steget är att jag inte längre regelbundet kommer att jobba till 20-23 på kvällarna, utan se till att hålla mig (så gott det går) runt 18.00 när jag egentligen ska vara klar för dagen. Detta kommer göra att möjligheten till sena eftermiddagstider kommer att minska. Så småningom kommer jag med största sannolikhet även att behöva minska med någon dag i veckan, så se till att vara ute i god tid för att få en tid som passar! Så länge jag och bebisarna mår bra och så länge kroppen orkar så kommer jag att jobba på, men hälsan och våra barn går i första hand, så om kroppen säger stopp så måste jag lyssna. Det gör att ju längre fram i höst vi kommer, desto större är risken att jag kan behöva boka om eller avboka helt. Hoppas på eran förståelse! A post shared by Alingsås mysigaste salong! (@salongrecreate) on Aug 6, 2018 at 12:16pm PDT //www.instagram.com/embed.js View this post on Instagram #tbt #ultrasound #ultrasoundnails #mybabygirl #mynailtechsagenius #nails #pink #cool #oneofakind #missthis @leeleebrown #nailsbyleelee A post shared by msamandasmith (@msamandasmith) on Apr 10, 2014 at 9:36am PDT //www.instagram.com/embed.js RELATED: The First Photo of Kylie Jenner’s Daughter Stormi Inspired a Manicure — and It’s a Must-See Some women are using the trend as an opportunity to honor babies they have lost, like a user named Sara who suffered a miscarriage in 2017 and did her own nails with an early ultrasound photo painted onto one. “This manicure has been a long time coming,” she began the post’s heartbreaking caption. “After three years and numerous fertility treatments, my hubby and I finally conceived in April. On May 30, my heart was broken when I found out my baby was no longer living and growing, and he was taken from me the next day.” “I lost all inspiration as I struggled with the grief. I learned how to love him and his brief life and move forward with renewed hope,” Sara added. “I love you jelly bean, and seeing you on my nails makes me smile ” View this post on Instagram This manicure has been a long time coming. After three years and numerous fertility treatments, my hubby and I finally conceived in April. On May 30, my heart was broken when I found out my baby was no longer living and growing, and he was taken from me the next day. I lost all inspiration as I struggled with the grief. I learned how to love him and his brief life and move forward with renewed hope. I love you jelly bean, and seeing you on my nails makes me smile #miscarriage #pregnancyloss #infertility #pregnancyandinfantlossawarenessmonth #onceamotheralwaysamother #angelbaby #ihaveasoninheaven #ultrasound #sonogram #sonogramnails #ultrasoundnails #nailart #idomyownnails #freehandnailart #nailfie #instanails #suckitjamberry A post shared by Sara P (@nailsbysara) on Oct 30, 2017 at 11:06pm PDT //www.instagram.com/embed.js RELATED VIDEO: How to Remove a Gel Manicure Without Destroying Your Nails PEOPLE spoke with Nadine Abramcyk, co-founder of Tenoverten non-toxic salons (based in New York City, Los Angeles and Austin, Texas) about her thoughts on the new trend — namely, whether spending time in a nail salon is okay for pregnant women. “It’s totally safe to do it as long as you’re in the right environment,” says Abramcyk, who is currently pregnant with her third child. “It matters less what products you’re using and more about the safety of the environment at the salon that you’re choosing.” She encourages pregnant women to “be your best own advocate” when going to get a manicure: Check for good ventilation (using the sense of smell is a great way to do this) and that your nail techs are using clean tools — and don’t spend a ton of time there, as relaxing as it may be! “It’s definitely a better option to find a nail salon that is free of a lot of chemicals that they’re using in services, so that these chemicals are not airborne and you’re not breathing them in,” Abramcyk advises, noting that Tenoverten is a “completely formaldehyde-free” salon. View this post on Instagram Nail art ~~ baby ultrasound on nail I did it for client. #nailart #gelnails #floridanailartist #floridanailart #ultrasoundnails A post shared by Lily-Artist-Florida (@lovelily_official) on May 9, 2018 at 1:40am PDT //www.instagram.com/embed.js View this post on Instagram Only @douggiesu126 of @hardrocknails has ever in my 15 yrs of doing my nails, continuously brought my #NailGoals to #LIFE, any #Challenge I bring him he smashes my own #Expectations, setting the bar for the next visits goals even higher…My #BabyShowerNails are amazing my #Daughters #3dUltrasound pic in my nail! #ThankYou @douggiesu126 #UntilWeMeetAgain #Trendsetter #NailsOnFleek #UltrasoundNails #TorontoNails #NailArt #NailsOfTheDay #Nails2Inspire #NailedIt #NailDesigns #NailAddict #ArtLives #Nails #NailsOfInstagram #NailsForMoms #CosmoNails #HardRockNails A post shared by Aluna La'La Perez (@ladii_steel) on Apr 18, 2016 at 8:47am PDT //www.instagram.com/embed.js RELATED: Mini Manis! See Jenna Bush Hager’s Adorable Daughters Get Their Nails Done While it’s not something she’d likely get done for herself, Abramcyk thinks the ultrasound nail art is quite impressive due to it being difficult to get so detailed on such a “smaller canvas.” “I would probably not be the greatest candidate for it — I like very clean, simple nails,” she tells PEOPLE. “But I think it’s fun and think it’s a cool idea. … I’d rather write ‘It’s a Girl’ on my nails or something like that!” http://bit.ly/2CF0583

[nerdydorkcosplay]

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. This design has been in the works for a while with someone who ordered a personalized version of this. The foot prints can be interchanged and I can personalize it with a name or "Baby Surname 2017" (or any other date) The decal comes standard at about 5in big and the ornament is available in 3in and 4in sizes. This wont replace what has been loss but it is at the very least a small tribute to your angel baby. #ornament #ornaments #christmas #christmasornament #pregnancy #pregnancyloss #pregnancylossawareness #miscarriage #miscarriageawareness #infantloss #grief #grieving #grievingmother #grievingmom #mourning #decal #vinyl #vinyldecal #cardecal #cardecals

[estefiroberts-blog]

Day 1 of the #OctoberPhotoChallenge: Favorite picture of your angel: I had the privilege other grieving moms due to miscarriage don't get: I birthed my baby. I had the blessing of meeting my #14weekold baby and holding him. I took lots of pictures of him, pictures that I will forever cherish. However, I am not ready to share him publicly, I am too protective of him. I also learned the hard way that not everyone is ready to see him. I do, however, have the coolest #ultrasound picture ever. And I would love to share the story of the very first picture of my baby boy Noah… darkestfairytale.com (Link in bio) . . . #pregnancyaninfantlossawareness #miscarriage #14weekmiscarriage #captureyourgrief #angelbaby #latemiscarriage #photochallenge #iam1in4 #grief #Octoberchallenge #loss #pinkandblue #miscarriageblog #miscarriagesucks #pregnancyloss #bornintoheaven #pail #miscarriagesurvivor

[asuzscenaart]

Loss of a baby is near to my heart as we lost our angel Paz at 8 weeks. I hope I can help your grief journey with my artwork. #Etsy store at www.asuzscena.com 💕👼 #pregnancyloss #babyloss #angelbaby #rainbowbaby #grief #grievingmom #miscarriage #1in4 #stillbirth #miscarriagequote #lovequote #family #love