#guts i feel i get intuitively - maybe because i have some personality traits in common with him

[13eyond13]

love it when a character that's hard to read intuitively for you has like a dedicated fandom interpreter who can just glance at their blank face in a panel and then give you a 3k word essay on their innermost thoughts & desires & fears and neatly tie it back into the themes & whatnot as if it's the most obvious thing in the world

[azenta]

Observations of Addictions Problems and Personality Types (1)

So, since four months I am working as an “Interventionist” at a therapeutic center for people stuck with dependencies (/addictions) such as alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling and cyber dependency. I was curious to observe if there was a recurrence of types among those stuck with addictions. Despite the fact I couldn’t type every client with total accuracy, I am still pretty confident of the general observations I made. So, not so surprisingly, there are observable patterns. They come as follow.

I have observed a majority of: 7 core/wing/fix and Sensors (Se>Si, but almost even). However, depending of the addiction, the “typical profile” change. I mean, that is to be expected. So, briefly, the profiles I observed look like this:

Alcoholism: The most varied profile. Two (2) categories can be observed.

(A) Isolated, anxious and borderline depressed alcoholic and (B) Social and/or impulsive alcoholic.

MBTI: (1) ISxJ followed by INxP; (2) xSxP

Enneagram: (A) Core 6 > 9, (B) Core 7 > 3 

Head: (A) 6 > 7 = 5; (B) 7 > 6 = 5

Gut: (A) 9 > 1 > 8; (B) 9 > 8 = 1

Heart: (A) 2 = 4 > 3; (B) 3 > 2 = 4

Variants: (A) Sp > Sx = So ; (B) So > Sx > Sp

Typical Profile: (A) ISxJ 6 core 692 Sp dom; 4 fix adds depressive traits and pessimism, 3 fix adds even more avoidance and denial defense mechanism, and 2 fix add almost assuredly an affection dependency; 

(B) xSxP 7 core 793 Sp blind; 2 fix brings overly but flighty friendliness and 4 fix to add +10 in Rule Breaker trait, and +20 if 8 fix instead of 9. 

Gambling: 

MBTI: ISxx

Enneagram: Core 7 > 9

Head: 7 > 6 = 5

Gut: 9 > 1 = 8

Heart: 3 > 2 = 4

Variants: So = Sx > Sp

Typical Profile: ISxP if 7 core (793) Sp blind, if xSxJ either 9 or 3 core. The variation of 379 is also common.

Drugs (Stimulants):

MBTI: Exxx

Enneagram: Core 7 > 8 > 3

Head: 7 >> 6 = 5 (rarely the two others tbh)

Gut: 8 > 9 = 1

Heart: 3 = 4 > 2

Variant: Sx > So > Sp

Typical Profile: Extrovert 7w8 (783 or 784) SX dom 

Note: A 4 core isn’t surprising either, especially if high Se coupled with Sp blindness (SX/so especially).

Drugs (Depressants):

MBTI: ISxP (haven’t seen many INxP yet, but they also fall into this category for the few that came).

Enneagram: Core 9 > 7

Gut: 9 > 8 > 1

Head: 7 > 6 = 5

Heart: 4 > 3 = 2

Variant: Sp > Sx > So

Typical Profile: ISxP 9w8 (974) SP/sx. (Really the most consistent profile).

Cyberdependency: This is the dependency that we still have the least, so my observations are still skewed.

MBTI: IxTx

Enneagram: 5 > 6 > 7

Head: 5 > 6 > 7. All of them aren’t surprising as a core.

Gut: 9 > 8 = 1

Heart: 4 = 3 > 2

Variant: Sp > Sx = So

Typical profile: IxTx 5w6 (59x) SP/sx. 4 fix makes them more edgy and 3 fix adds a lot of pretension.

Detailed Observations

Though, there is a lot of co-morbidity within those dependencies, and it is not that rare that Drug addicts (Stimulants and depressant) are also alcoholic. Though, the profile don’t change much. But it will more likely be a high Se user or Extrovert type if a Stimulant Drug addiction is mixed with alcoholism, and a 7w8 core or second fix is almost a guarantee too. If they are a Gambler on top of that, Sp blindness is almost assured, and Extroversion too. If it is a Depressant Drug addiction mixed with alcoholism, you get more an Introverted profile, likely Si/Ne user, and Sp dominance. They are also likely a 69x or 96x, 2 fix being the most probable heart fix. 

Seen the propensity of Sensors compared to Intuitives in the population, it makes it not really surprising, but seen the numbers of people that pass at my center, that propensity factor becomes risible. I have seen more than 100 people already and the proportion are different than what can be expected. High Se seems as much common as High Si, which matches the high propensity of 7 core/wing/fix presents and how it correlates to High Se more. 

So, High Se seems to be the most common, followed by High Si, then High Ne which are ironically not that common, without being rare. I have seen almost no High Ni, like maybe one ENFJ and one ENTJ. I am really not sure. But those two I suspect being ENxJs were addicted to Stimulants and alcohol. The ENFJ was a 3w2 (317) likely Sp blind, the ENTJ an 8w7 (83x) SP/sx.

There are as much Feelers than Thinkers that are dependents. None is less or more likely to recover, but the Feelers usually have a slight advantage as one of the main way to recover from that kind of problem is by regaining the ability to be connected to the emotional “world”, be it within and outward. But Thinkers are more consistent in their progress and maintenance of progress.

So, I would feel confident to affirm the Perception functions have a bigger impact on the likelihood for Addictions problems, Se being the main factor followed by Sensing as a whole. 

For the ennea types, the one big recurrence is incontestably 7 core, fix or wing. Not so surprisingly as the main pattern for those stuck with an addiction problem is the avoidance of emotions by distractions (with their substance of choice). A substance problem is a strategy in itself that aim to avoid something and also fulfill an emotional need, so 7 wins head on for the most common type and also head core or fix, followed by 6 for the head core triad, but just because it is that common to begin with, and followed by 9s in general.

It seems there is an equal amount of every heart core/ fix though. I wouldn’t be able to tell an order. They seem to be more often as a fix than as a core however. They are also in equal amount with the Gut triad. Head core is the most common due to 7s heavy predominance, but Heart triad is not that uncommon as a second fix. 9s is what makes for the commonality of Head triad as a second fix, otherwise, 1, 8, 3, 4 and 2 are all in similar propensity.

In the Gut triad, there are more 9s, but 8s weren’t that uncommon. As a fix, 9 is the most common followed evenly by 8 and 1. 1 as a fix is more common than as a core though, as it is pretty rare as a core. I could say I have seen one 1 or maybe 2, and that’s about it. As a second fix it is quite common.

1 core and 5 core are the two least common core. I think I met one of both for two different problems (the 5 core being for cyber dependency, unsurprisingly lmao). But the 1 fix is by far more common than a 5 fix for reasons already mentioned above. I believe 5 core is probably quite common if not the most common for cyber dependency. But this will need more time to get to see if it is truly the case. 

So, I will assert that types that provoke/ use detachment from the emotional center as a defense mechanism (3,7,9) increase the likelihood for Addictions problems. 

For the instincts, it strongly varies depending of the dependency, however Sp blindness is the most common stacks, SX/so a bit more than SO/sx. Sx blindness is not that common among that kind of clients (compared ironically to my coworkers who are mostly Sx blinds), but it is still more common than So blindness due to its “natural” propensity. The shut off effect of Sp however also cause those kind of problems, as isolation and loneliness are one of the main reasons that brings people to addictions.

Therefore, I’d conclude that the absence of Sp increases the likelihood for Addictions problems, and also the position of Sx (Sx/so > So/sx). Sp can also increases the likelihood but for particular addictions such as alcoholism and dependency to depressants.  

Other observations

The ennea types are the easiest to spot in a therapy context, since the fears are talked about in depth and we have to read each of our client’s at some point.

Sensors have problems to go in depth with their introspective reflections, especially if extroverted type. The older they are, and the healthier they get, the more they regain an ability to be in depth however. But it is a frequent problem and intervention we make toward our clients. Sometimes, for the very few intuitive we got, it was the other way around, they needed to be more grounded. Unless they were an ENxx, which make their reflection very flighty and poor since they are frequently looping or have poorly developed their introverted axis due to their addiction problem. I don’t think this is anything new as an observation, but I wanted to report it anyway. I’d need to extrapolate to make that observation more meaningful in any way.

Funnily, the 8s (wing and second fix included) are the easiest to spot. They are always the ones with “Healthy anger management” as a therapeutic goal. But they have a tendency to become protective of other, especially when they are recovering (tfw integration to 2). Since it is a therapeutic environment, they don’t become persecutors that often since this “role” can get one kicked out pretty quickly. So, Savior complex it is with an inflated ego as a combo.

7s (wing and second fix included) are also easy to spot, not only because they are a majority but rather due to their annoying Humor defense mechanism. They always end up having a nervous laugh or joking at inappropriate times when living a psychological malaise or when faced with someone’s unease. Like, it is the most frequent intervention we make that to recall them that humor means avoiding unease. Also, rule breaking. Really annoying and the first cause for those problems to be maintained and also to be more vulnerable to relapses.

2 cores or fixer are also easy to spot because they always get the “Must think of their needs and of themselves first” as a therapeutic goal. And we are always stuck to remind 2 cores or fixer to not forget themselves and stop playing the goddamn Saviors.

9s are the ones who never talk when in a group activity. They also bring up a calm presence. But they can’t name a single emotion. And just freeze when you ask them. They get healthier when they succeed to elaborate some goals by themselves and become motivated to achieve them ( i mean, that’s what integration to 3 means, I know, but it is fun to observe it and not just read it in a book).

4s are also noticeable because they always stand out one way or another. They also like to play the victim, so they attract all the little 2s and 8s that like to play the hero. 6s also like to play the victims. You just need to look in the group who gets all the attention over the most trivial situation and you exactly know that they are a 4 or 6. Sometimes 2s also become victims, of course. 9s are the extremely too neutral dude that freezes when shit happens. 7s didn’t notice, too boring, or “shit! An emotional engagement!!! Retreat!”. 1s come see us and complain about how unfair the situation is. And 8s also come to explode at some point. 3s are the most inconsistent in those situations. It depends the image it will create of them you know. And 5s are just not there, isolated somewhere with a book (i shit you not) or they either gets us and tell us what shit happened. 

Conclusion

So that’s it for the first gathering of observations I could make so far. I didn’t elaborate on why it is the way it is. I wanted to regroup my observations without too much theorizing. I could elaborate on that as a next post, and probably will. As other shareable observation, I could probably go on on how some defense mechanism plays out, without relating it exclusively to typology.

[curlicuecal]

Dammek - extended zodiac analysis

Taurcer – Bronze/Prospit/Blood – the cherished

I am sooooo excited to get a little more insight into this mysterious, rebellion-leading problem child of a moirail.

Full disclosure, I have a soft spot for fucked up relationships that are just… well-intentioned but bad personality conflicts rather than I Am A Villain. So this may show through in my analysis.

Dammek surprised me pretty much across the board with his sign, so this is gonna be extra fun for me.

BRONZE

See, we start right off with “warm and generous nature” which would be a ??? from what we know of him, but we are also told this is easily missed because they’re withdrawn towards strangers. And here we get our fist hint that perceptions of Dammek as arrogant, cold, or thinking himself better than others are likely MISperceptions of his standoffishness and slowness to trust.

We’ve seen plenty of evidence that he is paranoid about security (if rightly so) and more than a little evidence that he may be generally prone to anxiety, insecurity, and putting on a mask of I Know What I’m Doing (I have no idea what I’m doing.) Let’s see how this bears up as we move on.

Okay, stubborn as shit if they dig their heels in–yep, Dammek has latched onto his “Trizza is evil and rebellion is necessary thing” with near obsessive determination. His walls are papered with his theories and observations, and there’s signs of his fixation on this throughout every aspect of his life.

Here’s an interesting bit: “Bronze Signs have a marked love of creature comforts. They crave stability and safety, and if they have the means, their homes will be full of beautiful things.” I’m not sure we can say so much that Dammek’s home is full of beautiful things, but it is full of THINGS THAT MAKE HIM FEEL SAFE. His home is a fortress, laced with security systems and weapons, and more security systems and weapons in progress, and constant upgrades to and revisions to these seem to be necessary to manage his anxiety. He also borrows (takes) ((conscripts)) items from his moirails house, such as the hover lift thing, which we see he never gave back because he was developing it into a weapon that could fight imperial drones. Here’s a place where his personality traits could slide into harmful things: from his viewpoint he NEEDS this item for IMPORTANT, protecting people in the rebellion reasons, and therefore he is obviously RIGHT to take it…. right?

We’re also told Bronze signs do not like their routines to be broken–another characteristic of someone who craves stability and security–and a really interesting trait in someone who is leading a rebellion.

These traits also contrast notably with what we’ve read about Xefros’s sign–someone who craves adventures and prefers anarchy and instability over false comfort and security. Here again we get an inkling of how a moirallegianxe between the two could go sour. The more Dammek tries to stomp out recklessness and adventure-seeking in his moirail, in an attempt to satisfy his own anxiety’s need for safety and security, the more he stomps out his moirail’s very character.

Finally we’re told Bronze tend to be insecure and crave reassurances in relationships. Hmmmm.

PROSPIT

Another one that surprised me, from this apparently paranoid, anxious and distrusting character. Prospit is the lunar sway of flexible optimism. Prospit also tend to adapt to authority rather than rebel against it, have trouble with deception or hiding their true selves, and worry about what others think of them. I don’t know quite what to make of this, but I’d lean towards maybe Dammek feels pressured to be a “rebellion leader” and does not make healthy decisions when he is suppressing aspects of himself. (Does he maybe hide his anxiety and paranoia or try to pass it off as a reasonable response to the dangers of a rebellion?). “The self they project onto the world is often not under their control.” Hmmm. HM. I must ponder this.

Reactive, intuitive, lives in the moment and has trouble thinking things through or seeing past their current feelings–these are all, again, traits in opposition to his moirail’s, and you could see how they could balance or become destructive. Following their gut from day to day and changing decisions constantly is definitely how Dammek runs his security and does not seem to click well with Xefros’s slow-to-change, more single-minded and logical approach to situations. Except rather than accept "I'm this way and you're that way", Dammek appears to have taken the stance of "I'm the right way and you're the wrong way." Not good.

One thing we’ve definitely seen from Dammek is that he tends not to explain his motivations (past) or his expectations/goals (future) to Xefros, and this leads to a lot of avoidable harm, like Xefros sleeping on the floor for a week and not realizing Dammek intended this as a training excercise in case they got cut off from their sopor supply. Similarly hassling Xefros over passwords and rules, which he can’t keep up with because Dammek is constantly updating them. So we see Dammek trying to assuage an anxiety (Derse "like having a defined set of rules–a safety net” for their changeability) while being oblivious to the actual impacts on Xefros (making him perceive himself as slow/stupid, accustoming him to assuming any suffering is necessary and has a reason, etc.)

BLOOD

Holy heck. Holy heck? Holy heck. Did not expect.

But also this kind of works? The blood aspect suggests that Dammek is an inspirational leader, and we KNOW he must be because he brought together a group of rebels under a common cause. His strength, similarly, comes from the bonds of his friends(?) that share his vision. Interestingly, what he’s NOT supposed to be good at, is being a commander, and he does seem to be fail the hardest in his life and as a moirail when he gets his bossy on. I have a pet theory that Dammek spends a lot of his life trying to Be A Leader and has a not very well-formulated grasp of what good leadership entails. Hence his fixation on almost comical levels of Bossiness. He fails at ethical generalship, but he does appear to be a source of inspiration and motivation to the people around him. Personally, I was super moved by the translation of some of his notes on his wall, which documented how many of his friends and neighbors had been conveniently Disappeared by the current tyrannical government.

“The Blood-bound can dispense excellent advice even when their own lives and interpersonal relationships are disasters. They can be very "do as I say, not as I do” types.“ Ahahaha, yep, I believe this. You know what relationship is a disaster? XEFROS AND DAMMEK. What’s interesting here is that this suggests this is mostly a personal thing, and when he’s not fucking it up from the inside he actually has helpful shit to say. Cool. More evidence that he might actually have a pretty good rebellion going on.

"A Blood-bound can often be found on a sinking ship, forcing an endeavor forward with sheer stubborn force of will. No matter how bad things go, a Blood-bound can always count on friends and allies. At their best, they are charismatic, uplifting, and magnetic. At their worst they can be sullen, unkind, and set-in-their-ways.”

Innnnnteresting. I really wanna see more of the rebellion/friend group and see how they perceive their relationships to each other and to Dammek. Xefros might be one of our best examples of the idea that it’s less that Dammek himself is special, but that he gathers special people around him.

It’s also worth noting that we know of at least one more very significant character in Hiveswap who is blood aspect–our dictatorial fish princess herself. Does Trizza have a supportive group of friends and allies? Or has she, maybe, inverted the heck out of her aspect? Will be interesting to see.

Dammek's sign is “the cherished” and that’s another interesting and mysterious label.

Xefros analysis here!

[kendrixtermina]

Tritype made Easy: It’s not that deep

So tritype. Somehow it’s garnered this reputation of being super complex and “extra”. 

- complete with the occasional oldschool purists chiming in & presuming various ad hominem-type things like “You just want to be more special”, “You’re just box-checking type stereotypes“ or “You’re substituting this for deeper spiritual study of your core type” 

It’s not. 

First of all - You don’t really need an ulterior motive to want to refine or specify a tool, isn’t completeness sake enough? It’s not like you either determine your tritype (a finite process) OR work on core-type related issues; 

I’d even agree that the core type strongly predominates but, like, if more info exists, why not have it (or check out if it exists, if you call that in question), besides, it enables you to identify yet more possible problems & understand ppl’s reaction patterns in a more dynamic fashion (ie, relative to different situation)- I’d agree that ppl of the same tritype can have more in common that ppl of the same core type but with wildly different fixes.

It’s actually not a complicated thing at all, there’s a very simple basic logic to it, so simple that it seems almost No-Big-Deal inevitable.

Let me elucidate:

The Reasoning Behind it

It’s as simple as this: It’s pretty uncontroversial that the types can be grouped into triads, based on various similarities - And one such grouping is based on what the predominant or most-relied upon  or most driving part of the psyche seems to be - abstract conceptual reason (5,6,7), emotions/social processing “heart” (4,2,3) and for (1,8,9)... is it instinct? Is it will? is it action? Are these separate? Informal terms include “gut/body”. Personally I would say will but either way ppl generally get on an intuitive level what is being meant.

There’s many complimentary, clear cut ways of fleshing out the distinction -

“head” center - concerned with beliefs, thoughts & fear

“heart” center - concerned with feelings, value judgements, image & shame

“gut” center - concerned with action, boundaries, impulses & anger

and within those centers, each type has a different approach or filter on perception, which then causes the further characteristics of the type. 

But, it follows, quite simply, without any need for vagueing or speculating let alone posturing, that no matter which part is ‘predominant’, we all have all of those parts, we experience & deal with all three emotions, and we all have characteristic patterns for how we handle feelings, beliefs and action. 

So we can think of the 6 possible fixes in each ‘center’ (9 if you count ‘balanced’ as an option) as possible “settings” for your attitude toward the corresponding part of the psyche or reaction pattern concerning the relevant emotion.... and suddenly we not just have an at least internally consistent theoretical underpinning for the whole system, but the implication that we might have a “setting” or “pattern” for each center or emotion - 

Which, when you step out of the theory speak & look at RL isn’t a wild claim. Different people have different ways of dealing with different emotions. We always knew this. Tritype just offers a way to somewhat classify it; it doesn’t even have to be an exhaustive one / describe “everything”, just what it does describe, ie, for example, wether a person deals with fear by “all freeuze”(5w4), “some freeze some fight” (5w6, 6w5), “some fight some flight”(6w7, 7w6) or “all flight”(7w8). Although that equivalency may not be a 100%/ obfuscate things.

But basically: These are 3 common strategies, two of them are opposite, so which one is yours? “All A”, “A but also B” “B but also A” “B but also C” “C but also B” “All C”. 

Of course just because something is a nice theory does’t mean it is the truth, just that it’s a possible one depending on how it tests against further observation, but, ppl caught Antimater, Gravitational Waves and the Higgs Boson this way, and it is worth noting that the people who came up with tritype didn’t arrive there from the theoretical side - instead they were practitioners who saw a large number of people using the “simple” 9 type system and realized that their clients exhibited fears and traits related to 3 types. beyond just “universal relatability”

- Note that this is something more natural & elegant that the basic theory created just through observing & sorting humans (who, after all, have been around for the observing since the cognitive revolution gave us sophisticated abstractions some 80000 - 70000 years ago; It would be stranger if ppl didn’t make worthwhile observations) - we start counting at ‘1′ even though 1 belongs with 8 and 9. 

In a way this is actually less arbitrary & more structured/ a better grasp on what the system actually measures (or maybe that’s too exact a word; ‘Sorts by’ or ‘approximates’ perhaps) than just “these are the types, you’re exactly one of them, because new-agey number symbolism or something.” Though you can of course still have the symbolism if you want, no one’s stopping you, nor are these mutually exclusive. You could see them as complimentary. 

This system, when properly understood & explained, might actually eliminate confusion, especially since ppl tend to mistype within their tritype - so instead of deliberating forever on “Well I have some traits of 4 but also some of 7, which one is it?”you can reach an answer like “You have traits of both”, & proceed to figuring out which one is the core type.  Same with ppl who are like “But I don’t fit every single trait of [core type]” - who might still very much be that type, & the little incongruity can now be given an explanation (secondary fix) rather than having to be discounted or being a “con” & just shaking ppl’s confidence in the system in general - for example a sp-blind 7 with a 9 fix may be less manic & more stationary, but all the more prone to the rose-tinted glasses syndrome.

- Of course, with the caveat that there parts are all interconected and that the core type tends to impose a characteristic organizing principle (ie each type has its own way of handling emotions, self-image or social interaction - but there can be seen as a consequence of the core type being the ‘final arbiter`.) Also in reality it’s probably not 100% discreet like there’s more or less pronounced wings, although the very purpose of a “automatic/reflexive fallback/survival strategy” probably ensures a certain convergence.

It’s also interesting to note the existence of coretype-specific tendencies. - for example, I’ve read that its not uncommon for core 5s in particular to have a hard time figuring out their “gut” fix. (and indeed, I spend some time deliberating on 548 vs 549 even if it’s rather... apparent in hindsight that it’s definitely not 9)

The Conclusion, boiled down

So your tritype is simply a markdown of how do you deal with these emotions/situations, which basic strategies to use, in a simple, succinct notation - nothing complicated, obscure or contrived about it. 

I’m not saying this to call people dumb or anything - it’s easy to see how one might at first glance, be daunted, confused or sceptical, seeing that there’s  27 tritypes, 6 orders, and endless wings & instinct combinations, but all that seeming complexity is grounded on very simple basic principles/ “alghoritm” 

- it all boils down to there being just 3 options for each center (or 6, or 9 if you want wings/ add ‘balanced’ but that’s just further specificity, not really more complexity) All you need to do is to pick one of only 3 options for each center/emotion. Go through each center/emotion, consider how you approach it, and tadaa! Your tritype. The tritypes’ specific traits smply follow as a consequence.

As for the order, well it’s basically a priority ranking. Observe yourself as you react to things in day-to-day life. If you’re a 153, you might, for example, act first, form thoughs & opinions following that and form an emotional judgement later, if at all. 

One way I’d describe it is that 2nd fix is a steady undercurrent, while the 3rd is more something that surfaces when triggered by a situation or emotion - eg. if gut fix is last, they’re likely not a very action-oriented person, but you may find out if something makes them angry & they react in telltale ways. 

When in doubt, just look at the core fears and notice which one gets the stronger wince out of you. 

Consequence: Typing Advice 

So, of course “How many Angels fit on the head of a pin” type arguments over the theory of what is a made-up system are fun exercises but of limited interest; What people are often looking for is  so that they may use the system as a tool (for self-awareness, understanding others, making observations etc. )

For each center, the person either embraces it (4,5,8), modulates it (2,7,1), or is indirect about it.(9,6,3)

When the person’s not very functional and/or not  particularly self aware, make that “indulges/wallows in”, “represses” and “is out of touch with”

- For example, a 4 is obviously all about feelings, a 5 is obviously all about thoughts, a 8 is obviously all about asserting themselves. At best, you get someone who takes this aspect of human existence in full,  at worst, you get a self-indulgent crybaby/smartass/tyrant, there can be a failure to rein that part in.  

There’s also a negativistic tendency to these types.

-2/7/1 meanwhile have a strong selectivity about their center - you can probably still tell that thought/feeling/action is important to driving them, but it’s important that they be only good actions/feelings/thoughts. - A 2 “caring” or “loveable” sentiments while rejecting “selfish” ones, a 7 want to think fun/happy thoughts rather than anxious ones, a 1 wants to dogood actions & is afraid of doing bad ones etc. 

These are more positivistic. (not the same as positive, though 2 and 7 could be described like that as well)

- with 9, 6 or 3, it is less obvious that they are profoundly driven by thought/feeling/boundaries. The center is very active but its activity is “sublimated”, there’s not this direct connection where they come out & say “This is what I feel/want/ conclude.” - at worst a 9 can seem doormatey, a 3 unemotional or shallow, a 6 like a spineless follower that can’t think for themselves, but you’ll clearly see that this type of energy is at work but it will burst forth in a warped manner (the 3 will react with dramatic jealousy, the 6 will hammer you with ideology, the 9 will get super stubborn about mantaining the status quo that they want, all without admitting or even realizing that it’s their feeling/opinion/ want) - 

They just go about it indirectly. Which needn’t be a bad thing, despite the above examples - Underneath, the 3 is clearly driven by fulfilling emotional needs (where else would they get all that relentless energy/motivation from? From feelings.), the 6 has a lot of at times frantic mental activity (Hence their admirable alertness & scepticism), the 9 actually expends a lot of “will” mantaining their homeostasis, even if they’re passive-agressive about it. - (What they “want” just happens to be chill, harmony & unity)

These are the best at adapting to their environment because their “indirect” means of feeling accepted/secure/in-control will be whatever the environment affords them.

In the end it’s a matter of strategy. Say, a person is snubbed by their classmates. That hurts no matter what -.  If they have a 2 fix, they might deal with it by trying to get into the classmates good graces’ by doing something to make them like them & win their approval. A 3 fixer might approach this more from a problem-solving perspective (even if they’re totally hurting!) & fix it through social maneuvering or doing something impressive that will make them popular. If they have a 4 fix instead, they will conclude that their classmates are quaint meanies anyways and that comforming to please them isn’t worth it and perhaps befriend someone from the form classdown the corridor, or write an angsty poem about it; In either case the person may master the situation and come away with a (wholly different!) important life experience. Similar examples could be concocted for the other centers. And there’s a potential for misunderstandings here  - person A with fix X may see person B with fix Y deal with their problem in a manner characteristic for fix Y, and conclude that since they’re not doing it the fix X way, they’re not dealing with the problem at alll...And of course all tritypes can fall prey to just doing a counterproductive automatic reaction rather than truly assesing & responding to the problem.

(Usually it is the Ne I apologize for but this post got very Ti (I think? Barring mistypings I may not yet be aware of), it’s been floating ‘round my head for a while. I hope the highlighting & subdividing helped ppl find the parts helpful for them.)

[tipsycad147]

Psychic empathy: Understanding and developing your empathic gifts

Posted by Michelle Gruben on Jul 03, 2019

Empathy: It may be the most common of all psychic experiences—so common that it often seems perfectly ordinary. Have you ever “caught” a bad mood from a coworker as if it were a cold? Have you ever been swept up in the excitement of a sporting event, yelling and cheering, even though you didn’t really care about the outcome? If so, then you’ve experienced the transfer of emotional energy known as empathy.

Is empathy really a psychic ability?

As social creatures, most humans have a high degree of empathy. In the language of psychology, empathy simply means we can recognise emotions in other members of our species and tend to respond to those emotions in kind. Empathy can also be observed in social and emotionally perceptive animals like dogs, horses, and elephants.

In humans and animals, empathy probably evolved as a way to maintain group bonds and keep us safe from danger. Brain science researchers are fascinated with empathy and have done piles of research to discover why some people experience it strongly, and others seemingly not at all.  And we’re getting there. “Mirror neurons”—neurons that fire in the brain when an action is observed as well as when it is performed—go along way toward explaining why humans experience empathy.

So…is empathy a psychic ability? A lot of New Age-y, pop psychology fluff writers like to hedge on this question. But as a garden-variety occultist with no letters after my name, I’m going to come down firmly on the side of “yup.” Spiritual people know that material science can explain a lot of our experiences with empathy—but not all of them.

Psychic empathy has nothing to do with observing facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language. For example, that feeling in your gut that a friend has bad news in the moment just before you pick up the phone. Or walking into a room minutes after a fight has occurred and feeling an immediate shift in your mood. These experiences point to the truth of the vibrational theories that have underpinned esoteric practices for centuries.

Everything has energy, and these energies are constantly interacting with each other. A psychic empath is someone who is more affected than normal by this invisible external energy.

How do I know if I am an empath?

Empaths report many of the same traits and experiences: Picking up emotions from friends and strangers. Being told they are “too sensitive” or “too emotional”. Knowing when someone isn’t happy or isn’t being truthful. Feeling anxious in crowds. Being alternately emotionally empty and overwhelmed by emotions.

If you’re wondering whether you are an empath, the answer is probably yes! It’s my conviction that most people experience psychic empathy, although some people are more sensitive to emotional vibes than others.

As any empath will tell you, empathy is not always fun. Empaths often pick up on mild to moderate negative emotions that are streaming in from other people: Frustration, fear, regret, shame, and anger. Empaths can suffer from mood swings as their emotional environment constantly shifts. Empathy is most stressful when you’re near other people, but it’s possible for psychic empaths to pick up on emotions even at a distance.

Empathy can coincide with (and is often confused with) social anxiety. And no wonder: It’s unsettling to walk out of the house feeling fabulous one minute, and then fall into a deep funk because someone smacked you with a sadness bomb.

But it doesn’t have to be that way, you feel me? (Heehee, empath joke!) In this article, I’ll share seven of my best coping strategies for managing psychic empathy.

Learn the art of grounding, centring, and shielding.

Centring, grounding, and shielding are ways of manipulating your own energy body to produce various (positive) effects. They are most often accomplished through visualisation. These terms contain a lot of information, and everyone uses them slightly differently, but I’ll do my best quick rundown of what they basically mean:

Centring: To centre is to quiet external stimuli and become aware of your physical and energetic bodies. It’s often the first step in preparing for meditation, prayer, or spellwork. When you’re centred, you feel focused and secure. More to the point, you’re aware of what energetic “stuff” is yours and what isn’t.

Grounding: To ground is to establish a connection to Earth energy or another primal energy stream outside of oneself. When you’re grounded, energy can easily enter and leave your body as you will it. You have access to all the energy you need—but not too much—and a release valve for the stuff that you don’t want to retain.

Shielding: To shield is to manipulate your outer energy field to control how it interacts with the outside world. Shield comes in all different shapes, sizes, and functions. Many experienced empaths prefer to maintain a semi-permeable shield. With selectively open shields, you’re not sealed off from the world, but not being constantly bombarded, either.

Shielding, grounding, and centring can be performed separately or together, but they are all interrelated. (And there is some overlap in how they’re defined.) This cluster of energetic practices can be daunting to learn at first, but with practice they will become second nature. It’s worth learning how. Empathy is a psychic/energetic phenomenon, and psychic/energetic solutions are one of the most direct ways to manage it.

Choose your friends (and lovers) carefully.

Being an empath means that you are more likely than others to encounter people who are angry, needy, depressive, dependent, and just emotionally screwed up. Why? Distressed and unbalanced people are attracted to empaths because the empath naturally absorbs some of the negative crud they are spewing out there. That’s very convenient for them…less good for the empath.

If you’re around someone who leaves you feeling drained or unhappy, ask: Why do I feel this way? Why does this person want to be my friend? Is this relationship serving both of us, or only one person?

Boundaries are important for everyone—but especially for empaths, who tend to slip into the pattern of becoming emotional providers. You’ve probably heard all this before, but I’ll say it again: You can’t care for others if you don’t first care for yourself. It’s possible to be loving and kind at a distance. Good fences make good neighbours. “No” is a complete sentence.

Speaking of “no,” empaths also need to be careful with physical touch. Touch is one of the ways that emotional energy can be transferred most easily, so reserve physical contact for people who you love and trust.

Embrace the positive.

While being an empath can sometimes be a burden or source of stress, it comes with a bunch of hidden superpowers:

Empaths are great listeners. They have the ability to listen not only to the words that are spoken but the feelings behind them—and often, the unspoken words as well. Empaths also tend to possess a high level of emotional intelligence and a caring disposition. For these reasons, empaths make loyal and generous friends.

Empaths are amazingly good at picking up on subtle emotional signals. You can use this secret sense to steer clear of drama, navigate complex social situations, and even get ahead in business. (Hey, if you’re going to deal with challenges of being an empath, you might as well scoop up some of the advantages too!)

Some believe that empaths are souls that have been called upon to raise the frequency of human beings globally by fostering communication and understanding. If that’s your mission, may you go forth and fulfil it! Just don’t let it erode you in the process.

Which bring us to:

Practice good emotional hygiene.

If being an empath is like being a sponge, you gotta remember to squeeze out that sponge occasionally. Maybe put in the microwave for a couple seconds if it picked up something really nasty.

A daily self-care routine would improve most people's lives, but for empaths it’s an absolute necessity. So make time: Meditate for ten minutes a day. Or five. Go for solo walks. Talk to a friend you can vent to for a change. A beneficial practice for many empaths is keeping a journal—it aids in sorting out which emotions are yours, and where the rest are coming from.

Doing emotional house-cleaning will also improve the quality of your interactions with friends and strangers, I guarantee it. As we often hear in the realm of magick, like attracts like.

You know that beacon over your head, the one that says, “Hi, I’m an empath, please dump all your emotional junk on me?” It doesn’t dim just because you’re carrying around your own emotional junk—if anything, it shines brighter. Misery loves company, and other people will use their empathy to tune into your crappy mood and potentially amplify it. When you’re feeling stable and balanced, you can make better choices about who and what enters your energy field.

Partner with animals, plants, and stones.

Empaths intuitively understand that they are never truly alone. Just as some beings can make your life more difficult by swamping you with energy, some beings can help you shake off the excess and reconnect with your centre. When people are too much to handle, try turning to plants, animals, and minerals and make them your magickal partners.

Spending time in nature is one of the easiest ways to fix your energy. Go outside! Make contact with a tree, a body of water, or even a potted plant if that’s all you’ve got.

Animal companions can help you smooth out your energy when it’s been frazzled by interference. Cats, dogs, and human children are often seen taking on this role lovingly and willingly.

Certain stones and crystals can also be helpful in transmuting and re-directing empathic impressions. A piece of crystal jewellery or a smooth stone can help deflect or absorb energy until you’re ready to deal with it.

All beings (including plants and mineral beings) have consciousness, and any of them can become an ally in managing psychic empathy. As silly as it may sound, be sure to thank any plant, stone, or creature that assists you in circulating and balancing life force energy.

Work with your other psychic senses.

Are you interested in developing your psychic abilities? I’ve often observed that psychic empathy can be a gateway to other psychic talents. If you regularly gather emotional energy from others—then congratulations! You already know what it’s like to receive non-sensory or extra-sensory information.

Psychic empathy is related to clairsentience, the “just knowing” or “gut feeling.” Empaths and clairsentients both tend to receive psychic information in the heart, solar plexus, and belly area. Pay extra attention to those parts of the body—what they are telling you, and what type of care they need.

One of the most frustrating things for beginner empaths is not knowing where all the feelings are coming from. Empathic impressions are usually non-verbal and non-visual—which means it’s harder for our conscious mind to process them. Harder…but not impossible. Practice!

The next time you receive emotional energy that doesn’t belong to you, close your eyes and see if you can pinpoint the source. Where in your body do you feel it? Does it have a sound, texture, or colour? Can you manipulate or change the energy? Are you able to identify a direction that it’s coming from (or even a specific person)? Honing these skills will help you block or deflect unwanted impressions when you’re out in public.

You can also work on your psychic skills while in the presence of a friend or loved one. When you notice that you are empathically “tuned in” to their energy, try reaching out and seeing what other information you can gather. Do you receive any visual images? Any thoughts, sounds, or sensations? With a little practice, using your empathic gift can help cultivate latent clairvoyant or clairaudient abilities. Many empaths also excel at psychic healing due to their natural sensitivities to energy.

Don’t give away your power.

“I match energy, so YOU decide how we’re gonna act.” Wait…what? I’ve spotted this garbage meme-ing its way around spiritual communities. It’s a cute T-shirt (I guess), but the idea it expresses goes against all my training as a Witch…hell, as an adult human being.

Don’t give away your power. In other words, never let anybody be directly responsible for how you feel—much less how you act.

I wish that “I’m an empath” could be an empowering statement for more people, but all too often, it’s used as an excuse. Psychic empathy is very real, but it’s not a good reason to engage in erratic emotional behaviour or blame other people for your state of mind.

If you choose to wear that “E” on your lapel, there are three very important things to remember. One: Psychic empathy is very common. It’s special, sure, but not unusual—imagine if every empathic person acted like a basket case? Two: It’s your responsibility to manage your gift. There’s a big difference between the psychically gifted person who’s tossed about like a leaf in the wind, and the one who has learned to feel all the breezes and come to useful conclusions about the weather.

Finally: The stories we tell ourselves matter. (Especially the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.) If you tell yourself that you can’t have close friends or go out in public because you’re too empathic to function, it’s likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and your life will be poorer for it.

As an empath, your challenge is to practice openness and compassion without cultivating weakness. May you always be strong and thrive—the world needs you!

https://www.groveandgrotto.com/blogs/articles/psychic-empathy-understanding-and-developing-your-empathic-gifts

[amycathryn]

Empathy 101

Mantis is My Hero

Caveat: Long read. It's less of a blog and more of an empathy course...

Not gonna lie. Mantis is da bomb.com. She is the first superhero on the big screen to have empathy as an actual superpower. If you don't know who Mantis is, and aren't as nerdy as I am, she's a prevalent character in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. I'm genuinely excited about her character for 2 reasons:

She has all of the abilities an advanced empath would have.

Her character is an inspiration for empaths.

As someone who's been empathic as long as I can remember, it's refreshing to see this ability interpreted as a superpower more than a curse. I myself have traversed the interwebs only to find articles mostly on how to tell if you're an empath, or how to cope with it—not really any on how to harness it or increase it.

Another reason I'm writing this is because clients and friends alike keep asking me how to deal with their empathy on an overwhelming scale. So, I'll not only go into detail on what empathy is, why we have it and the signs of empathy (along with external links), but also the pros, cons and empathic hygiene. I also fully intend to come out with an Empathy 201 blog/course at a later date that goes into more detail.

Ok. So What is Empathy?

Well, from my research there are two definitions. One is used by psychologists, while the other is more prevalent amongst spiritualists.

The psychological definition of empathy defines it in regards to emotional intelligence—The ability to understand what others are feeling within their own frame of reference. It's the ability to gauge the emotions of others and "step into their shoes" so to speak.

The spiritual definition of empathy is having the ability to sense other people's energy and take on the feelings of others as their own. An empath is often times energetically influenced by people around them (even if they can't see the person). They can take on another person's dreams, emotions, physical pains and even mood swings. 

The difference between the two terms is their origins. The psychological term relates to how well one person can psychologically understand another on an emotional scale (which can be a learned trait), while the spiritualist term is more energetically-based (and is an inherent gift that manifests both naturally and with discipline). In this blog we'll go into detail on the spiritualist meaning of empathy.

Signs You're an Empath 

Here's a list of the traits that most empaths have in common. If you find yourself saying "that sounds like me" to a majority of items on this list—then chances are, you're an empath too! 

Caveat: I'm not a psychologist, psychiatrist or doctor. Some traits may also be signs of potential psychological issues. I leave that to your best judgement—so if you feel you may need help, then please seek out a professional.

You can feel the emotions of others regardless to proximity. They can be the person in the cubicle next to you or a good friend in another state.

You always have an uncanny way of telling how others really feel, even if they put on a mask. You can know how they're feeling even if you don't see them or hear them at all. You just know.

Being highly sensitive either physically, emotionally or both. This can include foods, music and having emotions that run deep. You may bruise easily or have odd skin allergies. You may have even been called "too sensitive" because of these feelings.

You love nature. Nature energizes you and you feel at home when out in nature—whether it's camping, walking in the park or simply just being outside. 

Crowds drain you. Especially after being around people for a period of time.

You're introvert or lean introvert. This one is huge amongst empaths that I've seen. Usually the stronger the empath, the more introvert they are.

You crave solitude. Being alone recharges you and helps you focus both mentally and emotionally.

Animals love you and are drawn to you (because they can sense empaths).

People say you're a great listener and find it easy to talk to you.

You are drawn to help people through teaching, counseling or healing.

It pains you or discomforts you to come into physical contact with others.

You always know how the people closest to you feel.

You can tell when someone is lying to you.

You can tell if someone likes you or has feelings for you—and maybe even how much.

You get reliable gut "feelings" about people—you know good people from bad people when you see them.

Perfect strangers walk up to you and start talking to you about their personal problems.

You get odd mood swings when you're in crowds more so than when you're at home.

You get odd physical pains (such as headaches or cramps) in crowds more so than when you're at home.

You get stressed or anxious when you have to go to the grocery store or places where large groups of people congregate.

Anxiety attacks happen primarily around groups of people (versus when you're by yourself).

You drink or use other drugs because it "numbs" you—you know it "helps" you deal with being around people for extended periods of time. Caveat: Imbibing to cope with empathy is never the best solution. Please read the empathic hygiene section on healthier ways to do so.

You loathe liars. You can not only tell a liar when you see one, but you have a very low tolerance for them.

You actively remove yourself from drama and drama queens—because they drain you. You can tell a drama queen from a mile away and they always leave you feeling drained after you've been around them for any period of time.

You have weight issues. Many empaths have weight gain or weight problems because they're subconsciously creating a physical shield against others due to their hypersensitivity.

You're a people pleaser. It's hard to say "no" when you know it will bring someone else joy—even if it hurts you.

You have an unshakable drive to help/serve others.

When you're having a conversation with someone, especially if it is emotional or deep, you have a hard time discerning where your emotions stop and the other person's emotions begin.

You can always see both sides of the argument—which can even make arguing difficult because you forget your emotional position!

You're creative and a creative thinker.

People find it easy to tell you deep, personal stuff.

You make friends VERY easily, but don't feel close to a majority of them as it tends to mostly be the friend talking and you listening.

Music, inspiring quotes, movies and other creative outlets have a tendency to provoke deep emotions within you.

When you touch someone, you can feel their emotions with a deep and almost indescribable understanding.

You dislike horror movies or movies with excessive yelling or violence.

You tend to be drawn to people who are suffering. It's not uncommon to find empaths in a toxic or enabling relationship.

You avoid being "in the way" of others or asking for help because you're afraid you will be a burden to them.

What Being an Empath is Like

It's easy to forget the energetic aspect of life when you're in "work mode" or doing daily chores—but the empathy never really stops. Even I forget that sometimes. Touching people is difficult, and sometimes even painful—so big crowds (regardless of the amount of shielding I do) can be a challenge. I usually have to mentally prepare myself before going into a grocery store.

Perhaps the biggest issue in overcoming being an empath (for me at least) is finding friends that are energizing. Those are the people you can have deep, meaningful conversations with that spark your drive (versus the people who just want to talk about their problems). There are plenty of people out there who want the empath to be their friend—but only so the empath is there to listen more so than have a mutual relationship. Discovering friends with a deep zest for life that actually listen can be an absolute treasure of a find.

On the same token, it's a privilege to see the humanity in every individual I encounter. Just about everyone feels and has some goodness in their hearts. Being able to see that is a gift and a blessing. Helping people foster this spark through empathy is also a privilege. Touching someone and allowing that deep, emotional connection to establish with them, sometimes just for a moment, is also a gift—even if it's painful sometimes. The best way I can describe it is it restores my faith in humanity—being able to feel the humanity in another. Being momentarily a part of the humanity in another.

Pros & Cons

Pros of Being an Empath:

Here's a list of the positive attributes of being an empath. Please don't abuse your gifts. Karma can (and will) be a real bitch if you use them for selfish reasons. Always ask for a sign from God to use your empathic gifts with others, and if you are going to do heavy empathic work on an individual, their verbal consent is mandatory. Always remember: just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.

Automatically knowing the emotional mood of a crowd (and have the ability to sway it).

You can easily gain the trust of people .

The ability to sense the types of connections people have with the the ones they're close to (both good and bad).

You can change the emotions of another person .

You can tell when someone is lying.

The ability to see into another person's emotional memories—what their memories are (especially the emotionally charged ones).

The ability to see into another person's home.

The ability to see into another person's soul—you can see the good, the bad and the potential in their hearts.

The ability to sense other psychics, intuitives, psionics and basically anyone who knows and is aware of energy on one level or another. More advanced empaths can sense the degree in which the abilities others have, and possibly even latent abilities.

The ability to change the emotional state of a crowd.

The ability to alleviate the pain in others by taking it on as your own (but don't do this—just send it into the ground).

Cons of Being an Empath:

Here's a list of the negative attributes of being an empath. I put these out there as a sort-of caveat for those wishing to increase their empathic gifts. Be prepared to deal with these issues on a higher level if you intend to increase your spiritual gifts.

Intimacy can be difficult—touching others is something an empath may subconsciously or actively try to avoid.

Feeling drained after being in a group for a long period of time.

Getting headaches, emotions or pains out of the blue that aren't the empath's own.

Being drained around certain individuals (usually energy vampires or bad people in general)

Going weeks without being alone for an extended period of time can increase anxiety, fatigue, mood swings and even depression in some highly sensitive empaths.

Knowing things about others that you don't want to know because they touched you (i.e., that they like you, hate you, or a bad childhood memory).

Having difficulty focusing in large crowds.

You get fed up with your lower-vibrating (energy) friends. Fast. This happens a lot with people who experienced an empathic "boost" later in life. You become much less tolerant to those around you that aren't your "true" friends.

A subconscious tendency to take on the moods of others. This can be both an advantage and a disadvantage, depending on the circumstances. I put it under "cons" because if you're not consciously guarding yourself empathically, you can subconsciously be emotionally swayed by others very easily.

Empathic Hygiene

Just like brushing your teeth or putting on deodorant, empathy requires hygiene too. We try to remember to use deodorant and brush our teeth every day—so should that mentality flow into taking care of our energetic selves and our empathic gifts. To not only increase your abilities, but also be a healthy empath, you must know and practice these three things: Cutting Cords, Grounding, and Shielding.

Cutting Cords

Cutting cords is probably the most important thing any empath should know regarding their gifts. This is because cords are what make up empathy. Every time you come into contact with someone on any level, you are connecting to them via an invisible energetic tether. You do this (subconsciously) with everyone you are near, touch or even make eye contact with every day (to one degree or another). You will also tend to have very strong cord connections with the people you're closest to. 

Cutting these cords is necessary for the well-being of every empath—otherwise, we'll be continuously bogged down with the emotional energy of all the people we have ever come into contact with. Often times we can have both good and bad cords connected to the same person—so it's helpful to understand the difference between the types of cords before cutting them (don't throw the baby out with the bath water, so to speak).

An exercise I like to do on a daily basis is what I like to call the "guillotine" method. I imagine a guillotine "slicing away" at the negative cords I have with others. Works like a charm every time. Other methods include praying for Archangel Michael to clear the energy away, the "plucking" method (where you "pluck" the cord out of you), and just plain standing with your back to a tree. Trees are amazing about taking our negative energy and grounding it.

The trick is visualization. Visualization is key to understanding and utilizing energy—and empathy.

Grounding

Grounding is necessary to stay focused and also a great way to remove toxic energy from the body. It helps us center ourselves here in the physical world. I ground all the time—especially before and after every reading I do. Many religions and even some forms of martial arts (such as qigong exercises in Tai Chi) incorporate grounding into their practices.

Grounding, in summary, is connecting to Mother Earth—putting your energy in the earth, so to speak. Grounding is an excellent way to reduce stress, anxiety and helps bring balance to your body's energy. I'll often times recommend grounding to a client that I see is unfocused, afraid or "fuzzy brained". There are a number of ways to ground, but my favorite method is what I call the "roots" method.

The roots method goes like this: You can be sitting or standing—it doesn't matter. Just begin to imagine roots growing out of your feet and into the ground. You can be 30 stories high—just imagine your feet growing roots that sink into the ground. It may take time, especially if this is your first try, but you'll feel a "shift" when you've successfully grounded your energy.

Then imagine all of the negative energy in your body just falling into the ground. The earth can take whatever energy you throw at her—and she transmutes it into good energy. 

Stones can also be an excellent method for grounding. Sometimes I'll recommend darker stones to clients who need assistance with grounding. Good stones for grounding include smokey quartz, black tourmaline, hematite, nuumite, shungite and obsidian. Darker brown/black stones in general tend to be great for grounding, protection, and even transmuting negative energy into positive energy. If you're interested in using stones to assist in grounding, I would recommend going to your local metaphysical shop and picking up a few of the aforementioned stones and see what resonates with you. One of them will just "feel right" when you hold it.

And finally, another excellent way to ground is to take a salt bath. Salt baths rock and can become highly addictive! I recommend this to a majority of my empathic clients. It's excellent for extracting toxic energy and calming the mind. I do this probably about twice a month. It's a great way to "reset" the energetic body if you're feeling tired or drained. Not to mention, it helps with softening the skin and muscle aches if you use epsom salts. The only down side is you'll probably need to clean out your bathtub first.

Shielding

Shielding, simply put, is an energetic term for blocking the energy of others. It's a great way to protect yourself, much like you protect your feet by wearing shoes when you go outside. It acts as a barrier against the "raw" emotions of others.

There are probably a thousand methods to shield—ranging from simple to advanced. For the sake of this blog/course (being a "101" blog/course) I'll keep it simple. I may write on the more advanced ways to shield at a later date. 

Shielding, as with other ways to harness energy (empathic or otherwise) requires "feeling" and visualization. A great method of shielding I recommend for clients is the "Glenda the Good Witch" bubble. If you've seen the Wizard of Oz, you probably remember the scene where Glenda the Good Witch in all of her splendor floated down to the good citizens of Munchkin Land in a beautiful rainbow bubble. 

Well, like Glenda, imagine yourself in this beautiful rainbow bubble—filled with light and peace. Imagine it surrounding you from front to back, head to toe. Visualize it growing a thick, impermeable shell—and tell it to last all day. I recommend shielding every day–especially if you will be around other people. This shield will help keep you from establishing unnecessary or unwanted empathic cords with others and vice versa. 

When you shield (and do so often) you'll notice an improvement in your energy and ability to be around others for longer periods of time without growing tired quickly.

Increasing Your Empathy

So after all that reading you still want to increase your empathy, eh?

Well, there are several methods to do so. The first being meditation. Yeah, I know. None of us really have the time for that. But we make time for the things we want, and meditation is the best way to increase your abilities overall. This is because meditation helps you become more aware of your energy and sense it better because it forces you to inflect.

Porcupines.

Yes, porcupines. I see empathy and the empathic abilities of others as porcupines. It's like a thousand tendrils spilling out of a person—with many of them connecting to the tendrils of another. Visualize your tendrils—your porcupine needles—growing. If that is difficult, inflect on your relationships with others. watch how that shifts your mentality and thought patterns. This is what empathy feels like. It's that shift because you're "honing" in on that person. You can even practice with a friend that's interested in increasing their empathy as well. Focus on connecting to each other and notice the shift. That's the energetic shift of empathy. Just be sure to always cut the cord after you're done with the exercise. 

Another method is to work with a friend and guess how they're feeling without looking at their face or body language. Try standing with your back to them and feel what their emotions are. Then turn around and see. Take turns putting yourself into different emotional states (with your backs turned) and get a feel for their emotions.

In Conclusion

The key to increasing empathy isn't power or energy per se—it's discernment. It's the ability to keenly understand the energy around you, and how it works. 

Just remember, with great power comes great responsibility. I strongly recommend reading my previous blog post on the ethics of being psychic.

Please use your superpowers for good. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to contact me.

Good Luck! 

[richardmperry88]

Fixing Tech’s Gender Gap: 10 Questions with Author Therese Huston

With male leaders outnumbering women four to one, the tech industry has notoriously been a gentleman’s club. Still, more and more women are “leaning in” and finding their places at the table in technology and science. But are their voices equally valued?

DreamHost takes this issue to heart and has been working to support women in tech for years.  And that’s why we reached out to author Therese Huston.

“When it comes to decision-making and leadership, men are from Mars, and women are from a less respected part of Mars,” Huston says. The author of How Women Decide: What’s True, What’s Not, and What Strategies Spark the Best Choices,  Huston shares her insights on challenges facing women in tech — and how we can all do better to make sure every voice is heard.

Therese Huston

1. What challenges do women face in a male-dominated field?

A really common complaint — and one backed by research — is that women have to keep proving their competence. People are more likely to notice women’s mistakes and to remember them longer; while with men, we tend to remember successes longer and more readily forgive mistakes.

Related: 6 Things Women in Tech Are Sick of Hearing

2. We like to think that all good ideas are valued and recognized. How true is that in practice?

Sadly, credit is not always given where it is due, especially when it is due to a woman. I’ve heard countless stories about women making a suggestion that doesn’t get picked up, but then when a guy makes the same suggestion later, all of a sudden everyone is enthusiastic about it.

Researchers studying mixed-gender work teams in male-dominated fields found that when a group’s successful problem solving was evaluated by an outsider not present for the collaboration, if it wasn’t specified exactly who did what, it was automatically assumed that a man was the top performer and deserves the credit. That’s really concerning, especially when management teams are doing reviews or considering promotions.

DreamHost Takes Inclusivity Seriously

We regularly report on diversity, accessibility, and representation in the tech industry. Subscribe to our monthly newsletter so you never miss an article.

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3. What are some key differences between how men and women make decisions?

Actually, research by neuroscientists is showing that under normal circumstances, men and women actually approach a problem the same way. But put them under stress — maybe with a deadline, the threat of a product being cut — and you’ll see a difference. Men suddenly become much more drawn to risks and big rewards than normal. Women do the opposite; they want to do what they know will work, what has worked in the past, what they know they have the full resources to accomplish.

I like to use baseball as an analogy: Men want to go for the home run, which is very difficult to accomplish but offers a big reward, while women aim for the more tried-and-true goal of getting on base. What you want in stressful circumstances is a mix of both strategies.

Unfortunately, all too often in tech at the management level, it’s just a room full of men. What that says to me is that we really need to tap more gender balance in our leadership teams and to listen to the women who get there.

4. How true is it that women rely on emotion in decision-making?

You’ve heard the phrase “woman’s intuition” — but probably not “man’s intuition.” We think of women as going with their gut or following their heart. However, the research shows that women tend to take a more analytical approach; they are more likely than men to do research and analyze possible scenarios and pros and cons. It’s actually the men who are more likely to go with their gut and what “feels right” as opposed to doing the necessary analytics.

5. How are women’s decisions received differently than men’s are?

There’s ample evidence that women’s ideas are more scrutinized. A Yale researcher asked people to read about a scenario in which a male or female leader in a traditionally male occupation made a costly mistake. They then evaluated how good or bad a leader they thought that person was.

When a male leader showed poor judgment, his rating dropped about 10 percent, while a woman making the same mistake suffered three times the penalty, and some people even called for her demotion.

When we scrutinize a woman’s mistakes much harsher than a man’s, that makes it all the more difficult for women to simply be promoted within the organization, let alone reach the c-suite. In tech you’re told to fail early and fail often — but that only really applies if you are a guy.

6. Is it only men who are guilty of gender bias?

Not at all. Women will often think that men’s ideas are more credible, though they are likely to disavow that if you ask them. We all live and work in the same culture and are subject to the same unconscious biases.

7. Sounds like we have a long way to go. How can women make sure their voices are heard?

One of my favorite techniques is amplification. This idea actually came from the Obama administration. Women were finding that their ideas weren’t being heard or given due credit, so they began to amplify one another in meetings: If one woman in the meeting suggested an idea, another woman in the meeting would immediately speak up, name and credit the first woman, and repeat her idea. The women later reported getting credit for their ideas and more opportunities to contribute.

Amplification translates well to tech, where women can team up with each other or a male colleague, and it doesn’t come across as aggressive — a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” trait commonly criticized in female leaders.

Related: What It’s Like to Be a Black Woman in Tech: A Q&A with Kaya Thomas

8. How can women advocate their ideas without being dismissed as overly aggressive?

There is some fabulous research recently looking at which types of aggressive behaviors work for women in meetings and which don’t. Talking louder or getting angry, for example, is not liked. But one aggressive technique that doesn’t seem to lead to penalties for women is interrupting.

It might feel awkward to interrupt — it certainly does for me — but it’s effective. I don’t mean you should spend the whole meeting talking over everyone, but if there is something you really want to say, then say it. No one is going to call on you; if you’re waiting for a pause, it’s not going to happen.

If you, like me, find the thought of interrupting painful and stress over finding the right moment, try counting backward from ten and when you hit one, blurt out your idea, no matter what. Interrupting gives you a huge surge of adrenaline and helps you stay enthused in the meeting, rather than tuning out and giving up.

Another strategy to help women — or really, anyone — to give their ideas a boost is to frame it as a question. So say “Would it be possible to … “ instead of “What we need to do is … “ Research shows that this phrasing invites discussion and gives ideas more airtime. The phrasing can be a little tricky for women because there’s a fear that they are sounding soft and asking for permission, but it is actually an effective strategy for both men and women looking to get their voices heard.

9. What can men do to support their female colleagues? 

For one, they can partner up with the women in their group and try the amplification technique — or simply get in the habit of amplifying good ideas. Prompts as simple as, “What I like about Emily’s idea is . . .” or “I think Samantha suggested that earlier” ensure that women get credit for their ideas.

Managers or others who may want to help without coming across as patronizing could pass along the article about amplification in the Obama administration to team members, starting a conversation about this issue and what everyone can do to help.

Related: Six Women Programmed the First Computer . . . And Didn’t Get the Credit

10. What can tech companies — like DreamHost — do to help?

They need to put conscious strategies in place to counteract unconscious gender biases. In meetings, those in management could make a habit of asking to hear input from someone who hasn’t spoken yet. That creates an opportunity for women to speak up, along with anyone else who might need more time to think through their comments.

Saying something as simple as, “Wait, I want to hear what Julia has to say,” can open the conversation, as can bringing the conversation back to an idea that may have been interrupted. Managers could also take the time to write down the division of roles, so when the work is being analyzed later, women will get credit for the work they’ve done.

Related: 30 Ways to Be an Ally for Women in Tech

Now Share Your Voice

We’d love to hear your take! What are some biases you’ve noticed in the workplace? How have these affected you or your co-workers? What strategies have you used to make sure yours — and other’s — ideas are equally heard and valued? And have you tried any of Huston’s techniques? Join us on Twitter and Facebook to start the conversation.

The post Fixing Tech’s Gender Gap: 10 Questions with Author Therese Huston appeared first on Website Guides, Tips & Knowledge.

from Website Guides, Tips & Knowledge https://www.dreamhost.com/blog/fixing-tech-industry-gender-gap/

[timothyakoonce]

Transcript of Turn Your Hunch Into the Next Big Thing

Transcript of Turn Your Hunch Into the Next Big Thing written by John Jantsch read more at Duct Tape Marketing

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John Jantsch: Have you ever had a hunch about something or you saw something and you went “Gosh, somebody needs to make that or fix that or do something about that?”

There’s this unmet need. A lot of times data isn’t available for that hunch or for that unmet need and a lot of great business owners … a lot of entrepreneurs over the years have just gone with their gut, gone with a hunch, and it’s worked out spectacularly. I think that there are qualities of people who have those hunches, that do come up with winners, and on this episode of the Duct Tape Marketing Podcast, we visit with Bernadette Jiwa. She’s done a bunch of research on this idea of a hunch and has a book called “Hunch: Turn Your Everyday Insights Into the Next Big Thing”, and I think there’s some tremendous lessons and some tremendous exercises in this thinking, so check it out.

Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Duct Tape Marketing Podcast. This is John Jantsch and my guest today is Bernadette Jiwa. She is a recognized global authority on the role of story in business, innovation and marketing and the author of five bestselling books on marketing and brand storytelling, and today, we are going to talk about her newest book called “Hunch: Turn Your Everyday Insights Into the Next Big Thing”. So Bernadette, welcome back.

Bernadette Jiwa: Thanks, John. It’s a thrill to be back talking to you.

John Jantsch: So essentially, what we’re talking about now is using intuition to make decisions. Did I sum the whole book up?

Bernadette Jiwa: You summed it up really well.

John Jantsch: How does that play when you go into to talk to somebody and say, “Just trust your gut.” I mean that’s kind of, that’s another … I don’t know if that translates to Australia. That’s a very common US idea of business owners making decisions, just kind of on a hunch, as you’ve put in the title. How do you crystallize that idea and make it more than just luck?

Bernadette Jiwa: Well, there are couple of things, John, that I want to start with, which is you’re not ignoring data, it’s just that there are different kinds of data. There are data all around us. People who … like Jeff Bezos or Howard Schultz, they’re not ignoring data they’re just possibly not looking at historical data or data in the sense that we think about which is in a spread sheet. So there is a piece to it, which is noticing problems, noticing what’s happening and that shouldn’t be enough seeing what’s not happening that should be and looking at patterns with practice.

There are three traits that I’ve, in my research, noticed and uncovered that these kind of entrepreneurs have and their curiosity, empathy and imagination. So it’s not just a lucky guess. It’s not just a case of crystal ball gazing or predicting which numbers are going to come up in a lottery this weekend. It’s a little bit more nuanced than that.

John Jantsch: Well I’m glad you brought data up because I think that some of the biggest hunches, if you will, actually either didn’t have data to inform them or they kind of said “You know what? The data’s wrong”. Would you agree?

I mean, you have a load of examples in there and it seems to me like in a number of the examples they kind of said “You know what? I see this differently”.

Bernadette Jiwa: Well, let’s think about one example. You know, there’s plenty of common ones. You know, the big ones. You know, the Apple’s, the Uber’s, the Facebook’s, the Google’s. No data for those. You know they just had to go with their guts that they were on to something.

But one of the examples in the book is the woman who invented disposable diapers. She went to the manufacturers and said “Look. This is what’s happening. What we’ve currently got is a solution that’s not working, it’s leaking, it’s giving baby’s nappy rash.” And what they said to her was “We don’t need this product. We don’t want this product. People are buying our product and they’re really happy with it”. Well, there was no alternative so of course they were buying the product.

So we can look at data and skew it, if you like, to our world view.

John Jantsch: Yeah, that’s interesting because there are a lot of industries. The one that I like to pick on all the time is the newspaper industry and how, you know, they were … the classified ads. That was their cash cow. Nobody was going to take that away from them. You look up today and they don’t even exist anymore or maybe are a meer shell because of Craigslist and other things that came around.

So I want … my question is then, do you constantly need to be, kind of, applying this idea to what could happen, you know, regardless of where we are today?

Bernadette Jiwa: Yeah. It’s a couple of things. You’re looking for what’s going on right now. Looking at the patterns that you’re seeing around you and that takes practice. So it’s not just “I’ve seen this today, I think I’m on to something”. It’s “Okay. That’s interesting. I think I’m going to keep looking at that and keep digging there”.

And then also, you know, the thing about entrepreneurship is you have to take a leap by definition into the unknown. You have to do something that you’re not quite certain of. We’ve fallen into this trap, I think, of relying on data. Almost using it as a crutch in all kinds of ways, in our marketing and our innovation to I guess mitigate against having been wrong.

John Jantsch: Well, yeah. I mean, certainly a lot of business leaders lean on the data to not have to actually make that risky decision.

Bernadette Jiwa: And every decision comes with risk. Absolutely every one.

I read something recently and I put this in the book late, which was somebody said when they saw Elon Musk doing something incredible, again, and it succeeding. “Elon Musk’s greatest strength is that he’s fearless” and absolutely not. He’s not fearless. You can’t similarly be invested in something and not care about it in the same breath. It’s not that he’s fearless, it’s just that he’s practiced at taking those leaps that perhaps other people wouldn’t take, and sometimes they work.

John Jantsch: Well so, let’s stay there for a minute because obviously you have a lot of examples of people that did this and it worked. But I would suggest there are probably millions and millions of examples of people that did this and it was a miserable failure.

Bernadette Jiwa: Absolutely. And the same with data driven innovation. You know, making predictions in the election didn’t … in the U.S. election didn’t work out even though we had a lot of data.

There’s a story I didn’t include in the book, which I should’ve done regarding that one. Just a couple of weeks before the election my husband and I were visiting New York. He was at a Behavioral Summit where people like Nate Silver and Nobel Laureate’s and super clever academics were speaking about the election and saying, you know, it was 99% certain that Hillary … they didn’t say 99 but it was, there was a high probability that Hillary was going to win the election. And the day after the event we were taking a walk outside the Rockefeller Center and we met a guy selling hats emblazoned with the names of the candidates and he said to us “You know Trump’s going to win this by a landslide” and we looked at him as though he was crazy and he said “I cannot keep stock of these Trump hats. They’re just selling like hot cakes.” and he was having conversations with people on the street. There was data in those stories and we missed it.

John Jantsch: Can people get better at this? So in other words, can somebody say “Oh okay. I need to use this kind of mindfulness and curiosity and empathy”. I mean, is that something you could teach a business leader and entrepreneur you think?

Bernadette Jiwa: I teach my clients this all the time. I invite them to do this all the time.

One of the case studies in the book, it was one of my clients who was opening a café in London and he went and visited 70 different locations looking for his site. He also sat in cafe’s and observed what people did in cafe’s. It’s very tempting to say “Okay. Our cafe’s going to be about the best coffee and the best food”. And he said, you know, a lot of the time in the kind of café he was thinking about opening what people wants is good wifi and you know, nice reclaimed wooden table.

So I think a lot of the time we fall in love with our own idea and we sort of run with it without thinking deeply and caring about the people who are going to adopt it and use it and who it’s going to become meaningful to.

John Jantsch: Yeah that’s interesting. I think in some of those instances where they do a great job with that, the coffee being good is almost just like a bonus.

So do you think that there are … you mentioned some of the qualities that come into play here. Do you think there are people that are just naturally better at those qualities? I mean there definitely are people that are more curious than other people.

Bernadette Jiwa: Hmm.

John Jantsch: What I’m trying to get you say is women are better at this. That’s what I’m trying to get you to say.

Bernadette Jiwa: Are you trying to say that?

John Jantsch: I’m wondering it.

Bernadette Jiwa: You know, people have tried to go down that rabbit hole. I don’t think there’s an excuse for men to use that as a cop out.

The people that we’ve been talking about, the Elon Musk’s of the world, some people would say he’s not empathetic. He’s a genius, but at some point he has to be thinking about the kind of man who wants to … or person, should I say, who wants to buy a Tesla, especially when they were developing the high end sports cars. Who’s the person who’s going to buy this car with their budget? What would they want? How do they want to feel when they get in the car? Other wise they don’t obsess in the way that they do about those tiny details.

I have intentionally included a lot of examples in the book of female entrepreneurs because I think we don’t do enough of that. People are tired of the age old examples of Uber and Apple and Airbnb and Warby Parker, of course I’ve told stories about them in my previous books and they’re fantastic companies, too.

I think there’s also room to tell stories about smaller ideas and you don’t have to be a billion dollar unicorn or aspire to do that to come up with a break through idea or a successful idea.

John Jantsch: You even reference a model for acquiring maybe the skills to do this. The Dreyfus Skill Acquisition model.

Bernadette Jiwa: Yeah.

John Jantsch: So tell us how … ’cause I do know that some people need something academic like that.

Bernadette Jiwa: Yeah. The thing about the Dreyfus Model, the reason I put that in there was just to show people that their last two levels where we get to mastery in any skill he quite neatly put intuition in there as one of the attributes … in one of the things that are a part of that.

So, if people want to google the model it’s freely available. They can have a look at it on there and just see how Dreyfus has laid it out. It’s interesting, it was interesting to me though to see in an academic model that intuition came into play.

And the other thing, probably, to mention is that intuition’s gotten a really bad rap lately because of the great research of behavioral economists like Daniel Kahneman because what he and his colleague have pointed out is that intuition can be flawed when it comes to making decisions. And on the flip side of that, someone like Kahneman cannot do the work that he does without starting somewhere and he begins with a hunch.

And what was lovely when I was doing my research for this book, was I found so many quotes from scientists. From Einstein to Steven Hawking about making intuitive leaps and having to trust your intuition and how intuition was more powerful than other things or how it had influenced their work. So even scientists, whose job it is to find proofs, start with a hunch.

John Jantsch: Okay. Thanks for listening to the Duct Tape Marketing Podcast. If you like this one, you might also like my other podcast, The Consulting Spark where I interview independent marketing consultants and agency owners. We talk about how they built their business and the struggles they face and what they love about being in this business. So you can check it out and ducttapemarketingconsultant.com.

I read a quote, I’m going to get it wrong and I’m going to attribute it to Jeff Bezos which may be wrong as well, but I think it applies here.

They were talking about this idea of coming up with innovation and constantly coming up with ways to optimize what you do and essentially said that the key ingredient was that you had to actually care about the people you were doing it for. And I think that that really applies to this idea of … especially when you’re thinking about somebody meeting an unmet need. I guess in some cases, they just they go and they try to find something and they can’t find it and it’s like “wait, there’s an unmet need here” but a lot of times they’re innovating … people are innovating things out of thin air because they’ve discovered an unmet need that, you know, requires them to sort of care deeply about the people they’re trying to serve and I think that a lot of ways that might be the essence of what you’re talking about.

Bernadette Jiwa: Well, Jeff Bezos famously keeps an empty chair at his meetings and says to his team “That’s the chair for the customer”.

John Jantsch: Oh yeah, right.

Bernadette Jiwa: He puts empathy front and center in everything that he does and when you think about the decisions that he’s made, they point to that. They point to understanding what it is people are struggling with and what’s, you know, what those unmet needs are and filling those gaps.

John Jantsch: Yeah. You do have to get, like, inside their home and inside their closets. You know, that kind of stuff to really get level of empathy I think almost.

Bernadette Jiwa: And some of the people, let’s think about one of the examples, which is, hair razor … shaving, subscription shaving brand. Those guys realized how hard it was to get good razor. How much you were paying for it? Similarly with Dollar Shave Club “How much are we paying for this product and it doesn’t work? It really sucks. What’s going on here?”. They were using that product every day, they were talking to their friends about razor burn and all of the things that you don’t have to be a woman to know about. These guys could be empathetic and curious and imaginative and intuitive.

John Jantsch: So other than what you already referenced, this idea that sometimes intuition gets a bad rap. Clearly that reputation maybe holds people back from embracing this idea. Is there anything else that holds people back from fully embracing this idea of hunches and intuition? Particularly in the entrepreneurial setting.

Bernadette Jiwa: Fear. Fear of uncertainty. Fear of being wrong. You know we’ve been conditioned for a long time not to want to say “I don’t know”. When we were kids, when we were three years old, we were quite happy to admit we didn’t know things. We asked questions all the time, which is also part of being a successful entrepreneur is asking questions. Now it’s really not a good thing to, as you grow older, to say “I don’t know” because knowledge is currency.

If you get all the right answers on the test, you go to the best college, have the best chance at the best job and the best life and you win. So therefore when you’re a leader, when you get to the point when you’re a leader in an organization, or when the buck stops with you, it’s very difficult to say “You know, I’m not sure about this. I don’t know if it’s the right answer but let’s give it a shot”.

John Jantsch: Yeah and that’s … that is interesting because I’m sure a lot of leaders suffer from the belief at least that well “I’m supposed to have all the answers so I can’t go down to the front line and start asking the people that probably do have the answers what they think”.

Bernadette Jiwa: I listened to an interview with Ron Johnson yesterday, as you know he was the guy who helped Steve Jobs conceive the Apple Stores. And he was telling this story again, I’ve heard it before, about they were deep into designing the Apple Stores and he just said to Steve “You know, I think we’ve got it wrong. We’re designing around products instead of experiences, instead of what people want to do in these stores” and he said Steve went off and went away and they went into a restaurant … sorry went into a meeting that afternoon and Steve said “Ron says we’ve got this wrong and he’s right”. To have the courage to go up to Steve and say “you know I’m not sure, but I think we’ve got this wrong” he wasn’t sure, he wasn’t certain, but to have the courage is a mark of a leader.

John Jantsch: Absolutely. So, you have exercises in the book. You want to share a couple? Like if somebody’s thinking “Okay, give me a sense of what I would have to work on if I were going to do this”. You want to share an exercise or two? Give my listeners an assignment.

Bernadette Jiwa:  So one of the biggest, the first assignment is to put your phone away some of the time. If you’re at an airport, waiting for a flight, you look around you in the lounge and there is not one single person who’s not on a device and it’s tempting to try and optimize our lives 100% of the time and actually what we’re doing there is stopping ourselves from being creative and innovative. So, that’s their first assignment.

The second assignment is to ask these questions when you’re looking around you or in your own business. These questions don’t even apply to new innovations, they can just be what’s current in your business. So, what’s happening that shouldn’t be? And what’s not happening that should be? So, if you think about any innovation from Uber to the iPhone to the GoPro camera to Tesla Cars and anything you can think of, they all started with that premise. You know, what’s not happening that should be, or what’s happening that shouldn’t be?

So those are the three things. Put your phone away. Ask those two questions. And practice.

John Jantsch: Awesome. Thank you so much for that Bernadette. Speaking with Bernadette Jiwa, author of “Hunch: Turn Your Everyday Insights Into The Next Big Thing”.

So do you get to the states very often these days Bernadette?

Bernadette Jiwa: I’m just back from the states.

John Jantsch: Oh yeah.

Bernadette Jiwa: Yeah, just back from the states. Had a really great trip. I get to the states a lot and what’s lovely for me is I’ve got, as you do, an international audience. You’ve got people listening in Australia and I’ve got people, a lot of people, in the states and in the UK and all over the world. That’s the fabulous thing about the digital world we live in.

John Jantsch: Yes it is. Well, I typically end this show every week, for those of you that listen and say, hope to see you out there on the road. But I haven’t made it to Australia yet so I’ll have to do that.

Bernadette Jiwa: I know. Lots of people are trying to get you here. You know, even Seth Godin’s been here. You’ve got to come, John. And he hates flying!

John Jantsch: I’ll do it. Thanks again Bernadette and good luck on the book.

Bernadette Jiwa: It was great to talk to you. Bye.

John Jantsch: Okay, thanks for listening to this episode of the Duct Tape Marketing Podcast. Wonder if you could do me a favor. Could you leave me an honest review on iTunes? Your ratings and reviews really help and I promise, I read each and every one. Thanks.

from Duct Tape Marketing https://www.ducttapemarketing.com/transcript-hunch-next-big-thing/

[russellthornton]

Backup Boyfriend: Are You Her Main Man or Just One of Her Extras?

Got the feeling your partner isn’t ride or die? Here are a few signs you’ll definitely see in your relationship if you’re the backup boyfriend.

I’ve come across lots of different types of girls. And I’ve been in situations where I was being played. I’ve even realized after a relationship ended that I was probably the backup boyfriend.

So, I want to share some insider experience that might help you avoid getting into the same situation.

First, here’s the deal

The feminine are trained from young to covertly play their options. They’ll do this while presenting a Holier Than Thou front. Ask yourself, when’s the last time you read a magazine that gives out dating/seduction tips?

Well, the feminine begin this from absurdly young ages. By comparison, guys are like lambs sent out to slaughter when it comes to the relationship game. Usually, it’s only a very confident male or older experienced guy that has a chance of not being wrapped around the thumb of feminine strategy.

It’s called hypergamy. Hypergamy basically means that the feminine keeps their sexual options open. They do this for obvious reasons: to choose the highest value sexual option available in their life. Sometimes the feminine even wait for that option even if it’s unavailable. [Read: Hypergamy – Motivation for perfection or sexist stupidity?]

Intense realism

Now, I’m not trying to demonize the feminine. I just think it’s essential to be very realistic and non-idealistic if you’re going to avoid becoming the backup boyfriend. Guys are the same in many ways. Guys also go for the most attractive choice they feel they can get.

The difference is, the average girl has FAR more options than the average guy. For this reason, guys need to develop strong skills or ‘game’ to remind their partner of what they would lose. Think about it: would you choose to stay at a lower professional grade? With longer hours and less pay/satisfaction? Would you do it just to not offend your competition?

Well likewise, traits like: height, intelligence, and physical prowess are highly sought after because they are highly inheritable. A girl invests a lot of her life and emotional capital raising offspring. So, she wants to make sure she has the best candidate to provide security, provisions, and good social standing. [Read: 15 things women look for in a man before falling for him]

With that said…

Key – ‘The Talk’

Firstly, is your partner even at this stage where they’re looking for an exclusive relationship? If you haven’t had ‘the talk’, where a decision was made that you two are exclusive, then I’d assume all bets are still on.

‘Sometimes you can meet the right person at the wrong time.’

These were wise words from the sister of one of my ex-girlfriends. There’s no use in denying reality. If your partner’s 18 and going out four nights a week with friends—and drunk texting you—you may be trying to hold onto the wind. [Read: Talking to someone about your relationship – DTR made easy]

The signs you’re the backup boyfriend

Let’s get into the signs…

#1 Does she always seem distracted? I remember being invited to see a play with a girl I’d started hanging with. It seemed like a cool surprise at the time. Sometimes she got free tickets to events because of where she worked. It was a cool play too.

After the show, we talked in the lounge. But I noticed her laughing at things I said that weren’t even remotely funny. Actually, she was barely listening. Distracted. Simply tolerating my company. Then she told me about the guy who gave her the tickets.

She looked around nervously several times. ‘Let’s wait, I want you to meet him,’ she asked me. I suddenly connected the dots. I realized she’d taken me to the play to make him jealous. I got out of there pronto with a slick excuse. Cos’ I don’t play that. [Read: How to be an alpha male: Unleash the irresistible inner you]

#2 Listen to your intuition, bro. The gut has been described as the second brain. This is because it has a strong link to the nervous system. Brain-regulating chemicals dopamine and serotonin are also present in the gut. This link between the gut and brain is why you hear advice like follow your gut.

You may also hear people say they ‘had a gut feeling.’ People have subconscious insights and feel them in their gut. This is the case for both women AND men. So PLEAAASE don’t buy into the fallacy that there is only a woman’s intuition. The feminine often use this as a way of shaming guys for using their common sense.

This shaming convention lets them women away with anything. Guys are discouraged from questioning women’s behaviors. Screw that!

If you suddenly start getting the feeling that she’s not down to ride 100% or something has changed, LISTEN to that feeling. Don’t ignore warning signs that your partner is cheating. [Read: How to tell if your girlfriend is cheating]

#3 Are they not available on the weekends? We typically work Monday to Friday—grinding and outworking the competition. Then… the weekend comes along and we get a respite. When you’re really into someone you can’t wait to spend time with them in your free time.

If your partner’s usually up to other things with other people on the weekend, when you invite them out, you’re probably not up there on their list of priorities. [Read: 10 sure signs the girl you like is just using you]

#4 Are they posting pics with another guy? Sometimes we can be straight up dummies when we’re in love. We see an obvious sign pointing us straight in the face and try to assume the best. No! Assume anything is possible and assess patterns honestly. Being blind to the truth does not help you!

Nor does it make you a good person. It makes you foolish and naïve. If there’s no obvious reason for your partner to have 100 pictures with some guy, or many different guys, then find out what’s happening.

If she’s on a dating site like Tinder or PlentyofFish—smh. Major thumbs down.

#5 Are you always wondering if she’s cheating? Some people will read my advice above *#4* and think I’m promoting paranoia. That’s not what I’m saying. In fact, if you always wonder whether your partner’s cheating then the chance of you becoming the backup boyfriend is way higher.

This is because we naturally find it repulsive when our partner is too needy, suspicious, or insecure. Neediness and insecurity are unhealthy traits. So, if it’s become the norm in how you think then you probably reveal this to your partner in subtle ways.

And you need to do something about it. If they have any sense they’ll want to find a more secure person. So be careful of sabotaging your own relationship. [Read: Sabotaging your happiness – 12 ways you can ruin your life]

#6 Does your partner get emotionally stimulated? When I broke up with one of my long-term exes it was like hitting the eye of a storm… All emotions seemed to drain from her. No reactions. No anger. Just distance and dispassionate disgust. *Disgust is a surprisingly unemotional reaction, psychologically speaking—it’s how the Nazi’s rationalized their discrimination*.

Anger, frustration, desire, joy—the full gamut of passionate emotions by your partner towards you are great, great signs of emotional investment in you. They mean that what you do or don’t do really matters to your partner. You are a priority. If you don’t trigger this emotional stimulation, it may mean someone else matters far more, if you catch my drift.

#7 Do they test you? I appreciate good competitive banter. I didn’t always used to see it that way though. This was because I didn’t understand that being challenged by my partner was a positive thing. It was her attempt to allow me to show her that I was The Man through my solid reactions.

It was also a great indicator of long-term emotional interest. Think about it this way: if you have a good investment you want to protect it. The feminine is designed to poke and prod at the masculine to ensure its integrity. In my opinion, if they don’t seem to care about how solid you are this is not a good sign. [Read: Shit test – What it is and how to successfully pass them all]

#8 Do they act ninja with their phone? If a girl I’m seeing starts to act covertly with her phone, my suspicions glow. Now, I can’t prove this sign is bad but you’d need to be a moron to not consider it as a potential warning sign. Look, if someone behaves like they got something to hide then maybe they do.

#9 Do their behaviors say something else? That last point leads me to this subheading. This one’s so key that I want to write this whole section in ALL CAPS. But I won’t cos I love you…

People will talk a good game just to get their way. I can’t begin to tell you how naïve I was to this fact as a kid/young adult. Now however, I take it as a service to #self-respect and #truth to watch how someone is actually behaving separate from their words.

If you’re very agreeable in your personality, then you may be more vulnerable to verbal deception. You probably don’t want to be accused of being an asshole. Screw that! Every guy needs to know how important it is to clock behaviors over words. And the feminine is notorious for saying one thing and doing another. It’s called ‘a woman’s prerogative.’

Problem is, this society celebrates that lack of responsibility. It becomes a woman’s suit of armor to say one thing and act another way. It’s like saying ‘I will deceive you, but this is my right.’ This is partly because psychologically truth, for a woman, depends on how they feel in the moment. Rather than the reality of facts. [Read: What is benching? 17 signs you’re being strung along right now]

This goes deep. For example, she may have another guy but feel justified deep in her belly. So, to her, she’s doing nothing wrong. Your job is to separate her words from her behaviors and judge her based mainly on this. Ignore this fundamental rule at your own peril. [Read: Be careful who you trust: How to beware of backstabbers]

#10 Do their friends act strange around you? If your partner’s friends act weird around you, watch out, for example, if they seem guilty, awkward, or dismissive when they meet you. The feminine talk and gossip a lot. In detail. They might know something about your partner’s love life that you don’t.

[Read: 15 signs a girl is leading you on and taking you nowhere]

The feminine can feel justified to have multiple partners or options for lots of reasons. Your best weapon is to cultivate strong pure awareness to reality and don’t end up being the backup boyfriend.

The post Backup Boyfriend: Are You Her Main Man or Just One of Her Extras? is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.