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jiminrings · 4 years

Note

coach! jungkook and y/n!!! jk being extra extra clingy

mvp: clingy

pairing: jungkook x y/n

wordcount: 3k

notes: aHHHHH coach!koo remains as i think my most popular piece and this is actually the first actual drabble he gets!! :D

read most valuable, the piece that started it all!!!

so you see

this isn’t a brag or anything pinky promise

but uh jungkook.,..

jungkook rARELY feels insecure ok

those two words don’t belong in the same sentence!!

THEY AREN’T EVEN IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH!!!

but god is he lying when he says he doesn’t feel the tiniest bit insecure with this mINgYu fellow

not to be that boyfriend but uhhh why don’t you laugh with him like THAT

:(((

“kook do you have someone in mind for a guest coach??”

jimin asks for the third time this week, looking mAjorly frustrated as he plops himself in the swivel chair

the dish was that y’know what!! it happens!! THIS happens!!!!

jimin’s been the longest assistant coach (and generally a coach) your team has ever had

he was practically there from the start!!!

whether he admits it or not, jimin’s a binding piece for you and the girls no matter what

then jungkook became head coach right

now the things was....

burnouts happen!! it’s normal!!!

it’s normal to LOSE your drive and passion for your sport as an athlete <3

the last season ended on a good note for sure because after all, you won the championships!!

not to mention that you were hailed mvp hee-hee :D

but then some months have passed

and the new season was supposed to start three months ago but of course it just had to be rESCHEDULED

it’s not necessarily an entirely bad thing

the extra time gave you more time to heal after your injury and your conditioning back to your prime is at top-notch!!

but it just can’t be helped

you and the girls??? your momentum??? aBSOLUTELY PUT-OFF

the training for next season just started last week and jimin and kook rEALLY prepared for this ok

there’s another reason to why kook is almost practically living at yours and jimin’s place nowadays lmao

... it just doesn’t work

it feels like every trick in both their books have been thoroughly used and it’s just not a challenge for you anymore

not to fLEX or anything but

basically the drills and the workouts just feel like warm-ups nowadays :D

and the warm-ups feel like a brisk walk in the park :D

that is both an insult and a compliment to jimin and jungkook because wOW!!! omg we instilled discipline and mastery to them <3

but at the same time it’s like you should nOT be giggling while i make you practice your pancake dives repeatedly

the two of them just need to BOOST everyone’s morale!!!

“actually, i finally found someone!! just thought of it last night but i didn’t wanna knock on your door because jupiter was in the living room and he thought i was an intruder aGAIN”

lol

sometimes jimin can’t wrap his head around that he sees jungkook perhaps almost ALL the damn time

he wakes up disoriented and he sees you on the couch with a bowl of cereal and look!!! my best friend slash roomie already made me breakfast :D

then he plops to the couch and there is this bEEFY entity lying on it covered with a blanket and???? jungkook???? what are yOU doing here

then jimin’s taking a spoonful of his cereal while he’s thinking because uH are the two of you screwing???

“hyung that’s my cereal”

“i put yours in the refrigerator jiminie!! i know how you like it cold!!”

aH and then it hits him

oh right the two of you are a couple now and jungkook just likes crashing and sleeping over at his apartment with you

when his oWN place is not even thirty minutes away wtf

<3 anyways get out of my way jungkook that’s MY spot on MY couch <3

jimin perks up at that because god fuck finally!!! he needs to make calls immediately

“well? who is it??”

jungkook pauses for a dramatic effect before he claps his hands, also eager to start this mini workshop of sorts for a week to boost team spirit

“mingyu!!!! he was my teammate from my former team and well there’s no rival conflict or anything like that!! perfect score!!!!”

that’s-

hmmmmmm

“y’talking about kim mingyu? tall guy, slicked hair, jumps high??”

“you know him??”

jungkook squints to himself because after all that was a little bit of a sTOOPID question

their games were televised and jimin’s a coach how could he nOT expect that

“yeah, yeah. he was my junior in high school and we were kinda friends i guess...”

there’s something in jimin’s tone and jungkook tries to dig in to that because well he thOught his hyung would be a bit more excited

jimin knows that kook could hear the cringe in his voice and it makes him scratch at the back of his head

“ah, you should probably keep y/n away. mingyu... well he was pretty mUCH notorious for stealing everyone’s girlfriends and opportunities from people and such.,.,..”

he still has a bit of resentment for mingyu ok

he was a fucking vULTURE

whatever he did first or whatever he wanted, mingyu would do and pursue the exact same

and jimin was definitely irked because people were hailing mingyu as the cool guy or sth for the things that he was copying off of jIMIN!!!!

they weren’t just coincidences!!!

they say imitiation is the best form of flattery but fuck that jimin is NOT flattered

“aish c’mon, jimin. you uNDERESTIMATE me!!! y/n only has eyes for me, silly!! :D”

aha

aHA

jungkook may have been too confident this time

he knows you still LOVE him!!!! right??

pls say right

there’s this wrenching feeling in the pit of his stomach when he sees you and mingyu doing one-on-one drills as he goes through you all

it was just a simple rally!!! a back-and-forth of the volleyball!! nOTHING major right??

wrong

jungkook could only focus to how focused YOU look

and to how at one point mingyu gave you a tricky throw back and you still managed to give it back to him and how you gIGGLED!!!!

g i g g l e d

then you gave a tricky throw back to mingyu and passed it back and this time he laughed and you cACKLED!!!!

oh my god why is jungkook feeling this way

jimin’s standing beside him and he could hear these little growls from jungkook???

like it’s not exactly gROWLING but it sounds like it

it’s a hybrid between a light snore and a growl and with how jungkook has his eyebrows knitted he is definitely nOt sleepy that’s fo sure

ugh are the two of you fighting again???

does jimin need to give jungkook a wake-up call again or-

wait

hold on

hE KNOWS WHAT’S HAPPENING

the jeon jungkook is inTIMIDATED by mingyu!!!!

wow

he’s never thought that a day like this would come in which jungkook isn’t knocked down a couple of pegs bUT HERE IT IS :D

in your opinion this is GREAT for the team morale!!! coach mingyu was just a breath of fresh air for a guest coach and u are enjoying it

he’s given the team new insights and it helped break the collective burn-out!!

kook just feels insecure ok

and threatened

which is why the moment jimin called for a ten-minute break, jungkook immediately sITS you down

“hi hi okay whAt are you doing???”

you’re endeared but you’re taken aback because jungkook’s immediately hovering above you, swiping and patting down the sweat from your forehead

“i’m taking care of you, silly!! :D”

that’s nice, maybe???

you don’t wanna think much of it hehe jungkook’s just being a caring boyfriend u guess

although he’s never done this before ur gonna admit and you’re stILL dumbfounded

he’s going all-out

even getting a cold towel to put around your nape to help you cool down fetched you a sports drink aLLLLL by himself

he’s even gonna lift up your shirt and wipe down your boob sweat himself and tHEN you stop him

“koo baby i can do that by myself y’know!!!”

although it looks like jungkook doesn’t get why you dON’T want him to take care of you????

doesn’t waver though :D

just lifts your shirt in the slightest bit and shoves a towel to your sports bra and there he goes

“want a snack?? ah, want me to order pizza?? nO?? okay fine i’ll order oNE extra box just for you and me and i gUESS jimin if you want!!!”

it’s a spitfire of questions and you can’t even answer because jungkook’s already hopping on his merry way!!!

not before he presses a fat kiss to your cheek and exaggerates the mWAH sound

aha maybe he’s just being extra loving today

... maybe

“what do you want for dinner??”

“oh i was just thinking what about if we just order-“

“baby wHY do we need to order when your boyfriend is perfectly capable in making you dinner!!!”

ok then

????

something may be wrong with jungkook

it’s just not in his nature to take care of you this attentively

he takes care of you of course but not to the point that you don’t even have to move a single inch because he wants to do eVERYTHING

“jimin??”

you immediately call out when jungkook’s out from the apartment because he said that he’d be out in a flash to get some things from the convenience store because he’s gonna make some dAMN cocktails in his own words

“yeah???”

jimin’s showering atm and that doesn’t stop you from conversing by pressing yourself to the door

“did we lose a sponsor for the team or something????”

“no....? i even received another offer just awhile ago!!! what are you on about??”

oh really?? that’s nICE!!

but that isn’t really your point and you quickly recover before you get sidetracked

“huh?? nothing, minnie!! jungkook just feels a little... off,.,..”

jimin stops lathering his body wash on his loofah then because oh my god he thought he was the only one!!!

you asking basically confirms that jungkook being weird has nOTHING to do with you and his previous theory is 100% correct

you aren’t that bothered with jungkook being affectionate with you!!!

in fact you like it because wow.,.. love.,.. love that for me :D

but uh

this degree tho

“jungkook you are very uHh attached to me, aren’t you??”

here’s a list to how he’s been extra extra cLINGY to you

you were watching 50 first dates because it was the first thing that popped up when you opened the tv then the scene of the waffle house came on and you cOOED

and jungkook immediately jumped into action

by action that meant him literally DIVING to the other end of the couch where you were lying down and cuddled you

“i’m making you that tomorrow for breakfast!!!!”

you were a little sappy after that and it ended late and you just wanted to wash up before bed because there was still training tomorrow

nonetheless you were gonna wake up the next day because your boyfriend IS the head coach and ur roommate IS the assistant coach so u don’t really have a choice

might as well wrap up the night early

you had to wriggle yourself out of jungkook’s death grip to go to the bathroom and when he finally got his bearings???

you’re brushing your teeth :D

then jungkook’s just sat at the closed toilet seat :D looking at you :D

“wow... look at you.... ur so cute brushing your teeth”

“shwshshshw thwank you??”

it didn’t stop there however

of course you cuddled!! jungkook even takes his shirt off for it because in the middle of the night he could randomly get hot and fussy

this time jungkook was the bIG spoon

it’s no surprise that he likes being babied at times hee-hee but wOw so this was the feeling of warmth!!! of being wrapped around by a furnace!!!! it’s nice!!!

the next days however.,.,.

it was getting a little overboard

every single time he had the opportunity to, he would nuzzle his head to your neck and cling onto you until you tAP out

doesn’t care if mingyu sees him chasing you around with a towel on one hand and ice water on the other :D

of course why would he care :D

after all he iS the boyfriend and mingyu isn’t :D

when you bring down one hand as you just let the other scroll down your phone??

hOLD !!! IN TER TWINE !!! I MUST HOLD

you scratch that part of your scalp that randomly gets itchy when you are incapable of itching it???

kook drops everything he’s doing to scratch at your hair and even presses kisses to your hairline!!

even in sleep he was aTTACHED!!!

kinda like how he’s a koala and u are the only branch left in the world for him to cling on

he has his leg trapping you down and his arm on your middle and you’re just about to maneuver yourself so it would be cOmfy

but then kook takes that as a signal that he was still too loose so he cuddles up even MORE

you’re just about to grunt but then you look over to jungkook and-

!!!!

HE’S AWAKE

you immediately squeak and jungkook shuts his eyes sO quick and so hard that it becomes even more obvious that he’s awake

his eyeballs are trembling underneath his eyelids lmao

even his lip is twitching and his breathing isn’t as relaxed if he were ACTUALLY sleeping

“wanna tell me about it??”

...

“... no i’m asleep”

“want me to talk until you fall asleep??”

“yes pls i’m asleep anyway”

jungkook is even cuter this way :((

when he is beyond oblivious that he’s adorable by just being like himself basically

“training was great today!! i don’t know if you saw, but mingyu and i had a contest awhile ago to see who jumps up higher!! so mingyu-...”

jungkook oPENS his eyes at that only for them to twitch

all he hears is mingyu mingyu mingyu and frankly it’s iRRITATING

he reacts exactly when you mention the guest coach’s name and it makes you halt

“hmmm so it iS about him, huh?? jimin was right,” you mumble underneath your breath but he hears you nonetheless and it makes him huff

jungkook completely detaches and turns away from you in an instant as if he’s throwing a tantrum that makes you reach out for him more

“is that why you’ve been clinging onto me??”

he can’t lie he’s extremely sOFT the moment you try and wrap your arms around his huffing figure

“figured that if i’m attached to you by the hip, then you’d only think of me and nOt him”

he’s kind of ashamed as he admits because he feels like he’s being childish with his feelings

he’s not so used to being vulnerable and it makes him uHhHh vulnerable????

he doesn’t like it

“i don’t like mingyu, koo.”

he feels you pressing a tender kiss to his cheek that makes them squish

he hAS to have a stronger resolve than this

“then stOp mentioning his name!!”

he was tHREATENED that’s for sure

he doesn’t need to say that aloud because god what for <3 he’s already suffering he doesn’t wanna speAk

“you do know that you’re my oNLY best boy, hmm??”

buttering up jungkook could be a little tricky

but you seem to hit the notch just pERFECTly this time because he’s basically putty

“yeah? i don’t really know about that”

he’s a wHORE for affection!!! that much he’s realized halfway through the week of being attached to you

you seem to be also forgetting that jungkook’s shirtless and he’s taking his comforter down, a cheeky smile gracing him that you snOrt as soon as it registers in your mind

“remind me?”

#thank u for requesting babie fEEDBACK PLS AND THANK YOU :D #jungkook #jeon jungkook #jungkook imagine #jungkook imagines #jungkook drabble #jungkook drabbles #jungkook oneshot #jungkook oneshots #coach!jungkook #requested drabbles #jungkook angst #fluff #jeon jungkook imagine #bts jungkook imagine #jungkook fic rec #bts masterlist

256 notes · View notes

dlwritings · 4 years

Text

Supernatural Minds | Sam Winchester

general masterlist found here

pairing - Sam x BAU!reader word count - 6,006 (*John Mulaney voice* Holy shit, right?) warnings - language, themes from Supernatural and Criminal Minds

(A/N) - I don’t know wtf happened in my brain but apparently I needed a Supernatural x Criminal Minds crossover

summary - Jody Mills calls her friend at the BAU to help crack a serial killer case. Sam and Dean think it’s impossible to profile a werewolf. So who’s right about the bad guy? The FBI or the hunters?

(Y/N) was sitting on her bed in her pajamas, watching a movie and inhaling popcorn when suddenly, her phone rang. She paused her movie and checked the caller ID, smiling when the name Jody Mills flashed across the screen. “Well hey there, sheriff,” she said. “It’s been too long.”

“I wish I was calling for pleasantries,” Jody said.

“Ah I knew you were just using me for my federal perks,” she teased. “What’s up?”

“My chief of police already sent files to your office,” she said. “We’ve got something pretty messed up over here.”

(Y/N) sat up a little straighter. “What kind of messed up are we talking?”

Jody sighed. “Remember the first case of yours you ever told me about?”

She scoffed. “You’ll have to be more specific.”

“The man who used his son to kill women,” she said. “And he’d-”

“Cut out their hearts,” (Y/N) finished, shuddering. “Yeah. I remember.”

Jody sighed again. “It’s sounding a lot like that.” (Y/N) sighed in response and rubbed her forehead with her hand.

“Thanks for the heads up,” she said. “I’m sure JJ’ll brief us tomorrow. So I guess I’ll be seeing you soon.”

“I wish it was under better circumstances,” Jody said.

“Tell you what,” (Y/N) said, “after we solve the case, you can cook me some dinner.”

Jody laughed. “Deal.”

The next day, as (Y/N) expected, JJ called everyone into the conference room to give a rundown of the case Jody had sent. “Sioux Falls, South Dakota,” she said, handing everyone a copy of the file. “They’ve had four murders in the past four weeks. They’ve all been women in their 30s, single.”

“Any connection between the victims?” Morgan asked.

“All classic blonde haired beauties,” JJ said. “They were all last seen entering their homes, but no one noticed them leave. No forced entry into any home indicates they left with the unsub voluntarily.”

“How are we sure it’s the same killer?” Prentiss asked.

“They’ve all been dumped in the exact same spot,” JJ said. “An abandoned salvage yard.”

“Anything else?” Morgan asked.

“Yeah,” JJ said, switching the screen to photos of the bodies. “There’s this too.”

“What is-”

“Every victim was missing their heart,” JJ said, cutting Morgan off.

Everyone sighed, and (Y/N) dropped the file on the table and put her head in her hands. “Alright,” Hotch said. “Wheels up in 30.”

On the plane, (Y/N) sat next to Morgan as she continued looking over the case file. “You’re from Sioux Falls, right?” he asked her.

“Yeah,” she said. “The sheriff who asked for our help’s an old friend. I haven’t been back in a while though.”

“You looking forward to it?” Morgan asked.

“What, to investigating a violent crime scene?” she quipped.

Morgan chuckled. “You know what I mean.”

She shrugged. “Not exactly a lot of happy memories there.” Morgan nodded and dropped the subject.

“Alright, let’s brief,” JJ said. “What have we got?”

“The unsub’s able to coerce the victims into leaving their homes with no force,” (Y/N) said.

“There are no signs that sexual assault takes place before he cuts their hearts out and dumps them at the salvage yard,” Morgan added.

“The precision with which he cuts the hearts out implies he’s some sort of doctor,” Reid said.

“Are we looking at a psychotic break?” Prentiss asked.

“Maybe,” Reid said. “The hearts most likely mean something. They’re his trophies, but he’s trying to make a statement.”

“A brokenhearted man?” (Y/N) offered.

Morgan scoffed. “With a seriously messed up way of coping.”

They landed in South Dakota and made their way to the crime scene. As soon as they arrived, (Y/N) spotted Jody. She excused herself from the rest of the group and jogged over to her. Jody welcomed her with open arms. “It’s been too long,” (Y/N) said.

“You’re telling me,” Jody said. “I hardly recognize you.”

“Shut up,” she laughed. “It hasn’t been that long.”

Jody chuckled and looked over (Y/N)’s shoulder just as the rest of the team joined them. “Jody, these are my colleagues-” She motioned to everyone respectively. “-SSAs Hotchner, Morgan, Prentiss, Jareau, Gideon, and Dr. Reid.” Jody shook everyone’s hands.

“Thank you all for coming out,” she said. “We don’t get a lot of serial killers in this area, so we’re feeling a little in over our heads.” JJ went to speak with the chief of police while Jody showed the rest of them the bodies.

“This is Bobby Singer’s place, right?” (Y/N) asked.

“Was,” Jody said. “Bobby died about, oh, eight years ago now.”

“Who found the bodies?” Gideon asked.

“A local teen boy,” she said. “This place has become a pretty popular smoking site for teens after Bobby left it.”

“What else can you tell us?” Morgan asked.

“Laine-” Jody pointed to the body closest to (Y/N). “-was the first victim. Alyssa went missing the following week, then Rachel, and finally, Tara.” Jody sighed. “None of them older than 35. All real nice girls. They’ve lived in the town their whole lives.”

“Were you able to discern when the bodies were dropped?” Reid asked. “Like what time or what day?”

“The boy who found the bodies is a good boy,” she said. “Charlie Miller. He and his friends come out here to smoke so their parents don’t bust ‘em. Still, like I said, he’s a good boy. He said they were here Thursday night, left around 1:00 in the morning. Charlie realized he left his wallet, so he came back the next morning. He got here about 7:30 on his way to school. That was when he found the body.”

“So this guy’s dumping them in the dead of night,” (Y/N) said.

“Did Charlie and his friends not notice the other bodies every other time they’ve been here?” Morgan asked.

“That’s one of the strange things,” Jody said. “All the other bodies were covered by a tarp. This one wasn’t.”

“So he’s getting sloppy?” Prentiss said. “Maybe he was in a hurry?"

“This kind of unsub doesn’t get sloppy,” Gideon said. “Something scared him. He had to run.”

“You think he almost got caught?” Jody asked.

“I’m thinking we need to talk to Charlie again,” Gideon said. “He might’ve seen more than he let on.”

Sam and Dean arrived at the scene, ready to flash their badges. They passed the yellow tape and saw Jody. Sam called her name, and everyone Jody was with turned to look in their direction. “Feds?” Dean asked his brother.

“Real feds,” Sam emphasized.

“What the hell’s going on here?” Dean mumbled. Jody met the boys halfway, leading them away from the group of suits. She greeted them with hugs.

“What the hell are you two doing here?” she asked.

“Claire called,” Dean said. “Heard you got a werewolf.”

Jody sighed. “I told her, it’s not a werewolf.”

“She said the victims are all missing hearts,” Sam said.

“But they weren’t ripped out,” Jody said.

“What are you talking about?” Dean asked. Jody huffed and rolled her eyes.

“You see those people over there?” she said. “That’s the real FBI. So who are you guys pretending to be today?” Dean mumbled something Jody didn’t catch. “Don’t mumble,” Jody scolded somewhat playfully.

Dean sighed. “Agents Stark and Banner.”

Jody shook her head in disbelief. “These guys are with the BAU.”

“BAU?” Sam repeated.

“Behavior Analysis Unit,” Jody said. “Their entire job is to profile people. They’ll be able to smell the fake FBI on you.”

“Then who do you want us to be?” Dean asked.

“I don’t know,” Jody said. “I’ll just call you some experts.”

They all walked over to the feds, and Jody introduced them, not bothering with fake names. The boys both crouched down beside the most recent body and examined the wounds. Jody kept the BAU busy. “Maybe she’s right,” Sam said. “Maybe it’s not our thing.”

“Come on, man,” Dean said. “Missing hearts? This is classic werewolf.”

“I’ve never seen a werewolf take the time to carve out the heart,” Sam argued.

“Explain the cattle mutilations,” Dean said. “Those were all missing hearts too.” Sam sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He looked over at Jody and the BAU. He noticed one of the agents staring in their direction. “What are you thinking?” Dean asked, snapping Sam out of his thoughts. Sam looked at his brother and sighed.

“You’re not gonna like it,” Sam said. Dean just raised his eyebrows. “Hearing what the BAU is thinking would be helpful.”

“You want to work with actual feds?” Dean asked. “They’ve got sticks so far up their asses, they’ll never let us in.”

“If Jody says-”

“Doesn’t matter what Jody says,” Dean said. “If we even utter the word werewolf-”

“Maybe we don’t have to say it,” Sam said. “We can still listen to their profile and figure the rest out on our own.” Dean sighed, looked at Sam for another moment, then looked back over at Jody and called her over. She held up a finger to the people in the BAU and walked back over to the boys. “Is there any way you can convince them to let us in on this?” Sam asked her.

“Suddenly you boys want to hunt serial killers?” Jody asked with raised eyebrows.

“Sam’s always been a sick fan of true crime,” Dean said to which Sam rolled his eyes.

“Dean still thinks it’s a werewolf,” Sam said, “and if he’s right, your agents aren’t going to have a clue what to do once they find him.” Jody looked at both boys before letting out another sigh.

“If this gets me fired,” she said, “it’s on both of your asses.”

When Jody walked back over to the BAU with both of the boys, (Y/N) looked at them carefully. Brothers. The one Jody introduced as Dean was older. The eye contact Sam made with the rest of the team implied his people skills were better than his brother’s. Their hands -visibly rough- meant they frequented hand-to-hand combat, which was somewhat uncommon for agents of any kind. Neither of them had holsters with a gun, so (Y/N) assumed they kept them in the back of their pants, if they were armed at all. Every agent she knew kept it in a holster when they were on the job. To her, and she was sure the rest of the team, these boys didn’t have any federal qualifications. So why the hell was Jody vouching for them? And what kind of experts were they?

While Jody was talking with the men, the team had been talking and creating a profile. “Jody, tell your chief we’re ready to give a profile,” (Y/N) told her. “We’ll regroup at the station.”

Once at the station, the BAU got the attention of the police officers. “Your unsub is a white male in his 30s,” Hotch said.

“He’s handsome,” Prentiss said, “and probably charming.”

“The women go with him willingly,” (Y/N) said. “There are no defense wounds on any of the victims.”

“All of the women were found with midazolam in their system,” Reid said. “That along with the precision of the cuts on the chest indicate he works in some sort of hospital. He has the skills and access to tools and medication.”

“The use of midazolam means his victims are awake while he’s removing their hearts,” Morgan said. “Midazolam is a sedative. It’s used to keep them drowsy, but still awake.”

“There’s no sexual component to these crimes,” Gideon said, “which means it’s more likely he’s trying to make a point. It might just be the sickest way this guy knows to make it.”

“We think he’s suffering from some form of borderline personality disorder,” Reid said. “So he thinks all relationships revolve around him. Looking at him, you wouldn’t notice anything odd about him.”

“Like we said,” Prentiss added, “charming. Only those who know him well would see any of the symptoms: intense bouts of drinking, anger, depression.”

“Sounds like you,” Sam muttered to Dean. Dean elbowed him in the ribs as Jody slapped the back of his head.

“Focus,” Jody said. Hotch dismissed everyone, and (Y/N) kept eyeing Jody and the Winchesters. Winchester. Something about the name wasn’t sitting right with (Y/N). She separated from the rest of the group and found herself calling Penelope.

“She who seeks the Queen of All Knowledge,” Garcia said, “speak and be recognized.”

“Can you keep a secret?” (Y/N) asked.

“Uh, not happily,” she said.

“I need you to look up some names for me,” (Y/N) said.

“And why is that a secret?” she asked.

“It’s not exactly part of the case,” she answered. “I just need you to jog my memory.”

“Alright,” she said. “Who are they?”

“Sam and Dean Winchester.”

“On it,” Garcia said. (Y/N) could hear her clicking away, and before she knew it, she spoke. “Brothers. Um, both died in 2012. Extensive criminal record. They were on our most wanted list when they were alive. Credit card fraud, breaking and entering, grave desecration, arson, grand theft auto, murder, kidnapping, assaulting an officer, and impersonation. Seems like they were bad news.”

“Right,” (Y/N) said with a nod. “Thanks. You’re the best, babe.”

“I know.”

The night came, and (Y/N) decided to leave the hotel the team was staying at to go pay Jody a visit. When she got there, she saw the lights on. She walked up to the door and lightly gripped her gun that was in her holster. She knocked on the door and waited for someone to come. As soon as the door opened and Sam answered, she pulled out her gun and held it up to him. Sam immediately put his hands up. “Step back,” she said. Sam did, and (Y/N) let herself into the house, keeping her gun aimed at Sam. “Jody!” she called.

Jody and Dean both came into the hallway then, and Jody’s eyes grew wide. “Okay, okay,” Jody said, slowly walking towards (Y/N). “Relax. Tell me what’s going on.”

“What’s going on,” she quipped, “is that this is Sam and Dean Winchester, and they died almost eight years ago. So what the hell are they doing in your house?”

“(Y/N), put your gun down,” Jody said. “I can explain everything.” She let her eyes flicker over to Jody before looking back at the giant of a man in front of her. Then she sighed and put her gun back in her holster. Sam put his hands down. “Can I get you a drink?” Jody said to her.

“I’m good,” she said.

“She’s gonna need a drink,” Dean said. She glared at him, but Jody must’ve agreed because she came back into the room and handed (Y/N) the beer.

“Okay,” (Y/N) said after taking a long drink of the beer. “What the hell’s happening?” Jody and Sam sighed, but Dean seemed unaffected.

“Your killer’s a werewolf.”

“Dean,” Sam scolded.

“What?” Dean said. “What better way is there to say it?”

(Y/N) just laughed. “You’re shitting me, right?” She looked at Jody. “Right?”

“Ten years ago, I would’ve said the same thing,” Jody said. “But then my son came back from the dead and killed my husband.”

“Came back from the dead?” (Y/N) repeated.

“Full on zombie action,” Dean said. (Y/N) drank another large gulp of her beer.

“Every monster you’ve ever heard of,” Sam said slowly, “what you were told as a kid? It’s all true. Werewolves, vampires, ghosts, demons, they’re all real.”

“And you think,” (Y/N) said, “that this guy cutting hearts out is a werewolf.”

“We’re not entirely sure,” Sam said. “Werewolves eat hearts, but they don’t usually cut them out so meticulously.”

“Then why do you think it’s a werewolf?” she asked. “I’ve seen killers cut out hearts before, and they weren’t werewolves.”

“There have also been several cattle mutilations in the area,” Sam said. “All found missing their hearts.”

“So?”

“Werewolves can survive on animal hearts,” Dean said. “But they don’t prefer it.”

“So you think a werewolf suddenly lost his taste for cow hearts?” (Y/N) asked. “Caved to his true nature?”

“Could be,” Sam said.

“That still doesn’t explain the precision of the wounds,” she said, standing up from the couch now. She thought better when she paced. “You’re saying werewolves rip hearts out, right?” The boys and Jody nodded. “Then why does this werewolf exhibit so much restraint?”

Everyone was quiet for a moment as (Y/N) muttered softly to herself, thinking through the situation. “You believe us,” Sam observed. She stopped and turned to look at him. They were all studying her, and she sighed and sat back on the couch.

“My parents were murdered when I was 18,” she said. “You remember that, Jody?”

“Yeah,” Jody nodded. “I don’t remember the specifics, but-”

“They had small holes just under their ear,” (Y/N) continued, “and their brains-” She hesitated, drank some beer, and sighed. “Their brains had been sucked dry.” The boys looked at each other while (Y/N) continued to stare into space. “I spent my entire college career and now adult life studying people. Profiling killers and rapists and arsonists and pedophiles and-” She shook her head and finally looked up at the others. “-I have never once come across a person who had the ability to drain the brain out of another human. If you’re telling me monsters exist, then maybe I can make sense of what killed my parents.” Everyone was quiet, and Sam moved from his chair to sit next to her on the couch.

He cleared his throat. “It’s called a wraith.” She looked up at him, feeling tears in her eyes. “It’s, um, it’s a kind of monster that feeds on the liquid of the brain. They have spikes on their wrists that they inject in the victim to, to drain them.” She covered her mouth with her hand, and Sam hesitantly put his hand on her shoulder.

“Oh my god,” she breathed out. “Are you serious?”

“I’m sorry,” Sam said. Her breath shook as she tried not to cry.

“Holy shit,” she whispered, putting her head in her hands. “Shit.” Sam hesitantly moved his hand from her shoulder to her back and rubbed it gently. “Shit, this is crazy. This is insane. I can’t-” She tried to catch her breath. She was an agent. She could handle this.

She sat up and looked at everyone. “How do you kill a werewolf?” she asked.

“Okay, we don’t even know for sure that it is a werewolf,” Sam said.

“But if it is,” she said.

“Silver bullet,” Dean said.

“Where do you get a silver bullet?” she said.

“We’ve got a bit of an arsonal,” Dean said. She raised her eyebrows.

“So, is this just what you guys do?” she asked. “You just kill monsters?”

“Pretty much,” Sam said.

“It’s a thankless business,” Dean said, to which Sam rolled his eyes. (Y/N)’s phone rang suddenly, and she jumped and picked it up.

“You got something?” she asked Morgan as soon as she answered.

“Hotch and Reid reinterviewed the kid, Charlie,” Morgan said. “He said he actually saw the unsub dumping the body. He thinks the guy might’ve seen him.”

“So that’s what spooked him into running,” she deducted.

“There’s more,” he said. “We got two more victims.”

“Two?” she repeated, standing up from the couch again.

“Yeah,” he said. “Where are you?”

“With Sherif Mills,” she answered.

“Well, bring her too,” Morgan said. “You’ll want to see this.”

“Where are you?” she asked.

“Where Skunk Creek meets 469th,” he said.

“Be right there.”

(Y/N) hung up the phone with Morgan and looked at Jody, Sam, and Dean. “They found more bodies,” she said.

“Plural?” Jody said.

“That’s what he said,” she said. “Let’s go.” Sam and Dean stood up as well, and (Y/N) held her hand up to stop them. “I’m surprised none of the others have recognized you yet,” she said. “You were on the most wanted list for years. If they’ve caught on by now, you’ll be arrested on sight.”

“So what, you want us to stay here?” Dean asked.

“I don’t want you to,” she said, “I’m telling you to.”

“Listen,” Dean said, taking a step closer to her. She didn’t back down. “I know you think you know everything about killers, but profiling isn’t going to help when your killer is a werewolf.”

“I’m saving you from federal prison,” she said back. “You should be thanking me.” Dean looked like he was going to say something again, but Sam stopped him.

“Thank you,” Sam said. “We’d still like to help however we can.”

“I can send you pictures of the scene,” she said. “Would you be able to tell me if there are any-” She hesitated. “-werewolf signs?” Sam cracked a smile. She took note of his dimples right away and felt her cheeks warm.

“Yeah,” he said. “We can spot werewolf signs.” (Y/N) hadn’t realized she was grinning like an idiot until Jody gently nudged her.

“Let’s go girl,” she said to her.

“Right,” (Y/N) said. “Okay. Let’s go.”

As soon as they both got in the car-

“Don’t say it, Jody,” (Y/N) said.

“No matter how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other,” she said, “your heart-eyes face has not changed.”

“Oh my god,” (Y/N) said, rolling her eyes as Jody pulled out of the driveway.

“I’m just saying,” she said, smiling. “Sam’s a good guy. A lot of baggage, a bit of a temper, but-”

“You’re sure good at selling him,” she said back.

Jody laughed. “He’s a good guy, (Y/N). You could do a lot worse.”

She sighed. “Let’s just focus on stopping this, this werewolf serial killer.”

The dump site looked completely different than the salvage yard. One victim was a female, heart cut out just like the first. The other-

“Male, 30s,” Morgan said. “It looks like the heart was literally-”

“-ripped out of the chest,” (Y/N) finished. Morgan looked at her as she crouched beside the body, using her gloved hand to move some of the fabric of the guy’s shirt. She gave Jody a look, silently telling her to distract the others. She caught on and moved them away from the bodies so (Y/N) could snap some pictures. She had gotten Sam’s phone number from Jody in the car, so she sent them to Sam with the message, This the kind of thing you’re looking for?

She rejoined the group just as they were discussing the case. “What changed?” Prentiss asked. “Why two victims? And why are they killed so differently?”

“He could be devolving,” Reid offered.

“No,” Gideon said. “There’s no way the same unsub did these two killings.”

“He found a partner,” Hotch said.

“You’re saying there’s two suspects now?” Jody asked.

“Look at this,” Gideon said, walking over to the bodies again. “These attacks, the method is completely different. The original unsub used the same method. He took his time. Carved carefully. He still has a point to make. The new unsub, they’re motivated by rage. They don’t have the same amount of patience.”

“But look,” (Y/N) said, grabbing the arm of the newly mutilated victim, “the man was still injected.”

“The first unsub is still in charge of collecting the victims,” Morgan said. “He drugs them and brings them to the second unsub. They kill together.”

(Y/N)’s phone rang, and she looked and saw it was Sam. She excused herself and stepped away from the group. “What’s up?” she said, answering the phone.

“You have two killers,” he said.

“Yeah,” she said. “We kind of just gathered that.”

“We think you were right with the first guy,” Sam said. “He wasn’t a werewolf. But he was collecting the hearts for the werewolf.”

“It would explain why there were cattle mutilations around town,” Dean added. (Y/N) realized she was on speaker. “The werewolf was getting hearts from cows, but the killer wanted to impress her, so he brought her human hearts.”

“The hearts aren’t trophies,” (Y/N) muttered, suddenly gaining clarity. “They were gifts.”

“Once the werewolf got a taste of human hearts, she couldn’t take cow anymore,” Sam said. “She wanted to join the hunt.”

“But the first unsub couldn’t stop the killing,” she added. “He’s gotten the taste for it. He’s hooked. So now they do it together.”

“We still don’t know who they are though,” Dean said.

“But we have enough,” she said. “Let me talk to my team. I’ll keep you posted.”

She walked back over to her team. “I think it’s a couple,” she said. “Recently divorced. The second unsub is his ex-wife. He got the hearts for her, and now she’s joining him in the hunts.”

“How is she ripping the hearts out?” Morgan asked.

“I’m not sure,” (Y/N) said, not being able to tell the full truth. She looked at Jody. “Can you think of any male physicians in town? Surgeons? Recently divorced, like, right before the killings started. Handsome, charming, but-”

“William,” Jody said. “William Barkley. He and his ex-wife just got divorced. Um, her name’s Bianca.”

“Do you have an address?” Gideon asked.

“Uh, not off the top of my head,” Jody said.

“On it,” Morgan said. He already had his phone pressed to his ear. “Garcia, I need an address for William Barkley in Sioux Falls.” He paused. “Thanks baby girl.” He looked at the rest of the group. “237 Duffron.”

Everyone got in their cars and sped off to the location. (Y/N) opted to ride with Jody. “We’re not equipped to fight a werewolf, Jody,” she said. “What are we doing?”

“Call Sam,” she said. “Give him the address. They can meet us there.”

“If my team recognizes-”

“The other option is we all get attacked by something they don’t understand,” she said. (Y/N) weighed the options quickly and picked up her phone, dialling Sam’s number. She spewed off the address.

“Don’t come in right away,” she said. “The werewolf might not even be there, and the last thing we need is two flannel wearing hillbillies to come in, guns blazing.”

“We’re not hillbillies,” Dean said.

“Do you always put your phone calls on speaker?” she asked.

Sam laughed. “We’ll meet you there.”

They sped off towards the house, and Morgan kicked the door open upon arrival. “William Barkley?” he called. “FBI!” They all made their way through the house, checking and clearing rooms. Suddenly, Prentiss shouted from the basement.

By the time (Y/N) got down there, they already had William in handcuffs. (Y/N) rushed over to help Prentiss release the two most recent victims. “You’re okay, you’re okay,” she said as one of the victims collapsed against her, shaking with sobs. “You’re safe. You’re okay.”

When they got the women into ambulances, (Y/N) jogged over to where they were putting William into a police car. “Where is Bianca?” she asked.

“I was just trying to show her,” he said, “show her I love her no matter what. No matter who she became.”

“Where, is, Bianca?” she pressed.

“I knew hunters were coming,” he said. “I knew they were onto her.”

“What the hell is he talking about?” Morgan asked.

“(Y/N), we have to bring him back to the station,” Hotch said.

“Hang on!” she snapped. “Did you tell her to run?” William nodded. “Where did she go?”

“If she was going to die,” he said, “I wanted her to see something beautiful. One last sunrise. One last happy memory.”

“I got it,” Jody said. “I know where she is.”

“Take (Y/N) with you,” Gideon commanded. (Y/N) and Jody ran back to the car, and (Y/N) called Sam. She put him on speaker so Jody could spew off Bianca’s location.

“Do not do anything until we get there,” Sam said. “Your bullets will do nothing against a werewolf.”

The boys drove fast, because the four arrived at the scene at the same time. “How do you know she’s here?” Dean asked as he and Sam stepped out of the Impala.

“William said something about a final sunrise,” she said. “This is the best spot in town to catch a good sunrise.”

“So you just ran with that?” Dean asked.

“I know my town,” Jody said. “Don’t start-”

“Sam!”

The younger Winchester spun around when (Y/N) called his name. His reflexes weren’t fast enough, and Bianca tackled him to the ground. (Y/N) knew she didn’t have the right kind of bullets to do any good, so she did the only thing she could think to do. She ran up to the pair and tackled Bianca off of Sam. On instinct, she tried to get Bianca on her stomach so she could cuff her, but Bianca was way stronger than she expected. She rolled them over so Bianca was on top, and she let out a growl that made (Y/N)’s stomach turn.

Pain seared through her shoulder and bicep when Bianca dug her claws into her skin. She let out a scream and squeezed her eyes shut. A shot rang out, and Bianca’s body fell off (Y/N). She winced and tried to catch her breath. One look down at her arm had her closing her eyes again. “Shit,” she whispered. “Shit, shit, shit.”

“Hey, hey,” Sam said, rushing over to her side. “You’re okay.”

“Did she bite me?” she asked. “Oh my god, can’t you turn into a werewolf from a bite? Oh my god. I don't want to-”

“No, no, hey, you’re good,” Sam said. It almost looked to (Y/N) like he wanted to laugh. “There’s no bite. It’s just a bad scratch. You’ll be okay.”

“Wow,” she breathed out. “This is the craziest day of my whole life.” She looked up at Sam, and he smiled and helped her sit up. “And you do this everyday?”

“We have some days off,” he said. She laughed, then winced at the pain. Jody and Dean jogged over to them. “Can you patch her up at your place?” Sam asked.

“No,” (Y/N) said. “You have to take me to a real hospital. My team’ll get suspicious if Jody does it.”

“What are you going to say?” Dean asked.

“That the unsub was crazy,” she said. “She had some claw-like weapon and that was what she used to rip the hearts out.”

“What happened to the weapon?” Sam asked hypothetically.

“I took it in as evidence,” Jody said. “The team doesn’t need to see it.”

“Glad we got our story straight,” (Y/N) said. “Can I go get stitches now?”

(Y/N) was in and out of surgery rather quickly. The team visited her in the hospital room, even though she knew she’d be released pretty quickly. “Guys, seriously,” she laughed, “I’m fine. Hell, I can meet you back at Quantico.”

“We’re not leaving you in South Dakota,” Morgan said. “We can stick around.”

“There’s not a lot to do in Sioux Falls,” she argued.

“Hey now,” Jody said, suddenly coming into the room, “if memory serves me, you found a lot of things to do when you grew up around here.”

“You knew (Y/N) when she was a kid?” Prentiss asked.

“Oh yeah,” Jody said with a smile.

“I have a lot of questions for you,” Morgan asked with a grin.

“You guys are the worst,” (Y/N) said. There was a soft knock at the frame of the door to (Y/N)’s hospital room, and everyone turned to look and found Sam and Dean. (Y/N)’s eyes grew wide.

If those idiots get busted-

“Hey,” Sam said. “Uh, I just, we just wanted to bring you these.” He handed her a bouquet of flowers, and she felt her cheeks turn warm as everyone looked at her.

“Thank you,” she said. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“No, uh, I know,” Sam said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I just-”

There were a lot more people in the room than he expected there to be.

JJ cleared her throat. “(Y/N), we’ll be in the waiting room,” she said.

“Uh, no we won’t,” Morgan said. JJ rolled her eyes at him and grabbed his arm, dragging him out of the room along with the rest of the team. Jody and Dean must’ve followed, because (Y/N) and Sam were soon alone.

“You seriously didn’t have to bring the flowers,” she told him again.

“No, I know,” he said again. “I just know seeing monsters for the first time can be a lot to handle, not to mention getting attacked by one.”

“When did you see your first monster?” she asked him. He chuckled dryly and rubbed the back of his neck.

“I guess I was six months old,” he said.

“Jesus,” she said. “Do you remember it?” He gave a sad smile.

“I don’t think I’ll ever forget it,” he said.

“So you’ve been hunting your whole life?” she asked.

“Pretty much,” he said. “It’s kind of the family business.”

She nodded. “Do you like it?”

Sam scoffed. “It varies day to day.” He paused. “What about you? You like the BAU?”

She mimicked Sam’s scoff. “It varies day to day.”

“How about today?” he asked.

She smiled. “It’s not so bad.”

“Well, for the record,” he said, “if it ever gets old, you tackled a werewolf today. I think you could easily make it as a hunter.”

“Yeah?” she said. “Good to know.” Sam smiled again and cleared his throat.

“Alright,” he said. “Well, if you ever find yourself on a monster hunt again, give us a call.” He started to turn away, but (Y/N) said his name again.

“You know I read people for a living,” she said. Sam raised his eyebrows. “If you want to kiss me so bad, why don’t you just do it?” Sam’s face raised into a smirk, and he took one step back over to her. He leaned over and kissed her lips softly. She laid her hand on his cheek and smiled, kissing him back. When he pulled away, he hung his head with a slight laugh.

“You’re a pretty good profiler,” he said.

She smiled. “I know.”

(Y/N) bid farewell to Jody the next day, taking a rain check on dinner and promising to visit Sioux Falls again sooner rather than later. On the plane back to Quantico, everyone was pretty quiet, keeping to themselves. Suddenly, Gideon sat in front of (Y/N). “Flowers, huh?” he said. (Y/N) smiled, embarrassed, and looked at the bouquet Sam had given her that she decided to bring back with her. “You know,” he continued, “something about those boys wasn’t sitting right with me. I couldn’t shake the name. Winchester. Why did I know that name?”

Her heart fell to her stomach.

“Sir-”

“Then I realized,” he said, “it must just be those Winchester rifles.”

But (Y/N) was a profiler, and she could see through him. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees and folding his hands.

“I don’t know what happened when you went off with Sheriff Mills,” he said, “but I do know you weren’t alone.” She swallowed nervously. “I also know you came back in one piece,” he continued. He hesitated, looked out the window, then looked at her again. “I also know that some files in the system have inexplicably vanished. So if anyone looks up Winchester, all they’ll find is some history on those rifles.”

Her lips parted slightly, comprehending what he said. ��Thank you,” she whispered. Gideon gave her a fraction of a smile.

“For what?”

“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win” - Stephen King

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artificialqueens · 4 years

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Not Nineteen Forever (19) (Branjie/Scyvie/Ninex) - Ortega

a/n: hi pals! so this was probs one of my top 3 fav chapters to write out of the whole fic. it’s got so many things that i just love, and i so hope u will love it too. i should probs make it clear that this isn’t the end of the fic! it’s going to have 21 chapters, so there’s two more to come after this (omg only 2????? bitch wtf???? WTF???). thank u guys for all the love my ask box gets flooded with after every chapter, i’m always so so excited when i see it so thank u so much, i really appreciate it!! here we go with n19f19 xoxo

please note: this fic contains young adults often behaving in irresponsible/unadvisable ways with regards to alcohol, drugs and sex. if you are someone who feels as if they could be heavily influenced by fic and incorporate what happens in the plot into ur own life, pls steer clear!

summary: Brooke, Yvie and Nina are three flatmates who forged a friendship in their first year of university and picked up some other waifs and strays along the way. Now in their final year, there are feelings that need to be unravelled and confessions to be made whilst navigating drunk nights, hungover mornings, takeaways, group chats, library meetups, cafe gossiping, and the small matter of getting a degree.

last chapter: there were confessions of love in a karaoke bar.

this chapter: a month on from the events of last chapter and with final exams and dissertations looming, Brooke thinks she can avoid Vanessa until graduation without having to confront anything that’s happened between them. this proves difficult when she’s trapped in the library with her.

***

Brooke was fine. She was more than fine, actually, she was good. She was calm, serene, fucking zen. If it wasn’t for the dissertation she had to hand in a week from now she would have ascended to Buddha-like status, doling out study tips to her friends like proverbs.

Brooke had always been good at exams. She’d been a straight-A student back in Canada, the whole process of revision coming naturally to her. She’d bought designated ringbinders for every subject, poring over textbooks and copying information out in messy cursive until she’d filled her whole refill pad. When she’d walked into the big assembly hall on exam day, she didn’t get the usual churning of her stomach or shaky hands that her friends had always described. It was almost as if the hall reminded her of taking ballet exams when she was a girl- she knew what to do, she had all the information in her head somewhere, and all that was required of her was to think and write.

Essays, however, had never come easy, which was a shame as they essentially formed the basis of Brooke’s degree. There wasn’t the fast-paced element to essays as there were to exams, and lengthy deadlines gave Brooke time to overthink, redraft, panic, delete, then do the whole process over again. She’d never fully got the hang of them; add in the fact a different tutor marked what she’d written every time and her grades were practically a lottery. She knew this element would follow her throughout her career- writing, fashion design, God even her ballet exams from years ago- it was all a form of art, and art was subjective. She knew there were designers out there that were universally respected, but none were universally liked. Nothing was universally liked. In an exam, there was a set of right or wrong answers, but essays were open to interpretation. An interpretation that her degree classification depended on.

Stretching and feeling her spine bump against the hard plastic chair, Brooke let out a huge breath. She could still see her Mum’s face if she remembered hard enough, when she’d told her her very first mark on her very first uni assignment back in first year; the way the woman’s face had faltered a little but forced a smile and a congratulations. It was the first mark below 70% Brooke could remember in a long time, and her Mum’s disappointment still stung. Brooke was currently sitting on a 2:1, but only just. Her dissertation was going to cement what degree she received and Christ, Brooke would be lying if she said the pressure wasn’t getting to her ever so slightly. It was at the stage where she was taking a beta blocker each morning before spending most of the day in the library. Sometimes she’d take another in the afternoon if she felt herself starting to panic. Maybe that was the reason she was so chill.

Looking at her laptop and the block of black text against white digital paper, she rubbed her eyes and glanced through the huge floor-to-ceiling pane of glass to her left. Her own sleepy face gazed back at her, the view rendered invisible due to the pitch black outside. Brooke didn’t dare look at the time, but she knew it had to be late if it was this dark at the end of April. Casting her eyes to Nina, she couldn’t help but give a snort of a laugh.

“What the hell are you doing?” Brooke asked, looking at the exploded rainbow of colour-coded flash cards that were strewn across the girl’s desk and spilling out onto the floor. There were scribbly neon post-it notes stuck all over her laptop screen and Nina probably had half the library stacked up in high-rise tower blocks on her desk. A quick glance at her screen showed Brooke that Nina had roughly sixty tabs open.

“My goddamn best.”

Brooke let out another laugh as Nina gestured helplessly at the mess in front of her. “Jesus Christ, Brooke, how the hell am I going to be a teacher if I’m this disorganised?”

Brooke gave a little shrug and raised her eyebrows. “I dread to think what your classroom desk is going to be like.”

“Probably going to accidentally kill a child on my first day. Nudge over a big pile of papers on my desk, boof. Dead,” Nina giggled, then let out a huge laugh and instantly clamped her hands over her mouth in embarrassment. The action made Brooke laugh out loud too until the pair were having a silent laughing fit in the exact place they weren’t supposed to be making any noise.

To be fair, the top floor was pretty empty given the late hour they were there. The few people that were left were already packing up their things and leaving, laptops shut in a manner of resignation. The yellow strobe lights that hung above gave the whole place a clinical glow, and the patterns on the fuzzy green carpet all seemed to merge into one. As Brooke ran a hand through her hair and was about to check the time on her phone, loud chimes rang out over the speakers built into the ceiling.

“Would all students please be aware that the library will be closing in ten minutes, that’s ten minutes. Thank you.”

Brooke almost jumped out of her skin. She blinked, then looked at the four numbers in the bottom right-hand corner of her screen. “Nina. No way is it almost midnight.”

“God. I’m not even surprised anymore. At this point it feels like we live here,” Nina groaned, cracking her back in a way that made Brooke wince then rolling her shoulders. “I guess we should head back to the flat.”

Brooke’s ears pricked as she heard a commotion from the other end of the floor. It sounded like a thunder of footsteps and a hissed argument. Turning slowly, Brooke’s heart sank as she saw exactly who she’d hoped she’d be able to avoid until graduation day.

Silky and Vanessa were standing at the printer a mere two sets of desks away from her and Nina. Silky seemed to be printing something out and insisting she wouldn’t be long as Vanessa tapped her heel against the carpeted floor impatiently, her Converse almost wearing a hole in the floor. Despite the late hour her makeup was still perfectly applied, and her hair was half hanging loose over her shoulders and half swept up into a haphazard topknot. Brooke pictured Vanessa growing frustrated at her desk, fretting over some form of past paper and tearing her hands through her hair, tugging her brown locks up and securing them with a hair tie. Brooke hoped she wasn’t too stressed about her finals. She remembered that when they were together Vanessa had had some form of big essay due, and she’d sat up in bed exhaling and worrying, typing furiously with her long nails crashing against the keyboard of her laptop like angry waves. Brooke had quietly brought her tea, wordlessly pressed a kiss to her temple, and Vanessa had cast her a soft smile that had made Brooke’s heart set alight.

Just then Silky looked across the room, saw her, and began to wave. Fuck. Brooke watched as Vanessa cast her gaze over to where she sat. Her eyes widened when she laid them on Brooke and she tilted her head to the sky, barely hiding a gigantic roll of her eyes as she followed Silky over to Brooke and Nina. Brooke had in the time it took for the girls to reach their desk to decide how she wanted to play this. It was a tough decision. Because in the month-and-a-bit since their dalliance in the hot tub, and an even shorter time since her crying meltdown to Scarlet in the Swan toilets, Brooke had developed a hard, harsh exoskeleton for herself that involved channeling all the love and regret she felt for Vanessa into venom, poison and dislike. If Vanessa wanted to be petty and unkind and rude to her, then fuck it. Brooke would be the exact same back. She’d tried it out already- responding to thinly-veiled barbs in the groupchat, ignoring her if they saw each other. Brooke didn’t want to act that way, didn’t want to do any of it, but she forced herself to do it in the way a small child had to be forced to eat vegetables; it was what was good for her. Good for them both. It was better that Vanessa hated her. She’d tried loving her and look where the fuck that had ended up.

The issue was, the frosty behaviour she’d return to Vanessa was uncontrollable. She knew it was causing vibes and tension in the group, splitting them all up and causing cracks and fractures in a time where they were meant to be closer than ever. Yvie had had words with her, as had Nina. It hadn’t got them anywhere. Brooke had tried to reach out to Vanessa, offered her so many olive branches that Vanessa had just started beating Brooke black and blue with them. Brooke knew it was for the best if she acted like the complete bitch that Vanessa thought she was.

“Hey, sisters! What you both doin’ here so late?” Silky asked cheerfully as she reached the girls. Brooke stuck a smile on her face, tried not to look at Vanessa and then failed. Her thick eyelashes were cast to the floor as she scuffed the carpet with her shoe. Brooke felt a stab at her heart. Luckily, Nina took over.

“Christ, I was just saying to Brooke it feels like we’ve moved in here. My diss is due on Friday and I’m stressed out of my mind. What’re you guys up to?”

Silky waved a thick stack of paper at Nina as if she was showing her evidence. “We were down on floor one but the janitor’s chucking people out. I needed some readings and figured he’d get up here last, so I just came to the top floor to use the printer.”

“Yeah, and we’re done now, so let’s go. I need to pee before we leave,” Vanessa muttered to her flatmate, her voice dull as she still didn’t tear her gaze from the floor.

Nina’s cheerful smile faltered. Silky, to her credit, looked embarrassed by Vanessa’s sulky behaviour. To Brooke’s dismay, Nina shoved all of her index cards onto her laptop keyboard and slammed it closed. “Well, hey! We were just leaving. We’ll come with you.”

Vanessa’s face twisted into one of discomfort. “Nah, Nina, really, it’s fine. I’m gonna head to the bathroom anyway-”

“We can wait for you! It’s no big deal!”

Brooke’s heart sank. Great. An excruciating walk back outside with the girl that hated her most in the world. Just as she was about to bullshit a reason why they couldn’t, Silky enthusiastically agreed. Brooke watched Vanessa bite her lip in frustration, give a forced fake smile and nod. They were both united in the fact that it was a situation neither of them wanted to be in. It was the closest Brooke had felt to Vanessa in a while.

Nina and Silky filled the silence on their way to the library toilets. They were only beside the lifts so not that far away, but every step felt as if it lasted a million years. Finally, mercifully, the girls came to the toilets and Vanessa ducked inside. As they waited, Brooke just wished and hoped she’d be quick so the awkward situation would be over sooner rather than later. One minute turned into two, and Silky became impatient. Brooke watched as she wrenched open the door and yelled inside.

“VANJ, C’MON! THE PLACE IS CLOSING SOON!” she shouted into the room, muttering under her breath something about Vanessa having a bladder like the Hindenburg. Brooke tried to be patient and cast her eyes up to the ceiling. Looking back into the floor of the library, she was alarmed to find it completely empty, void of people. It could have been that she was startled, but she gave a shout into the bathroom too.

“Vanjie, hurry up! Jesus!”

At this point Vanessa was standing blasting her hands with air from the dryer. She shouted something back at Brooke that Brooke couldn’t hear over the air jets, but she could hazard a guess as to what it was. Finally, Vanessa stormed out.

“Fuck me, will you girls hop off my dick? Can I not pee in peace without you rushing me along? We’ve got ages! It’s fine!”

And then everything was suddenly plunged into darkness.

Brooke gave an involuntary cry of fear, felt someone grab her hand. Looking down at her interlocked fingers and then up to who it was connected to, she was shocked to see Vanessa, her face illuminated in the green fire escape sign and completely petrified. All at once she seemed to realise what she’d done and dropped Brooke’s hand like it was made of hot metal. Nina had fallen silent, her expression one of shock, and Silky was uncharacteristically quiet.

“Fuck,” Brooke found herself saying. Her mouth had gone completely dry.

“It’s fine. It’s fine, they’ll just be turning off the lights before they lock up. Let’s just hurry up and get the lift,” Silky reassured them, but Brooke didn’t miss the worried frown that was set on her face as the four of them walked quickly. Vanessa reached the button first, scrabbled at it with her fingers. The little white light that usually illuminated the panel didn’t turn on.

“Oh my God this can’t be happening,” Nina whispered, her voice panicked and fast. Silky rested a reassuring hand on her shoulder, but the frown on her face was deepening. Reaching out, she pressed the same button firmly, jamming it into its little metal pad. Nothing. The girls stood in silence for only a few seconds, listening for the metal whirrs and clunks that the lift usually made on its way up or down the building. Nothing came.

“Stairs,” Vanessa said simply, her voice full of worry as she suddenly dashed in the direction of the stairwell. The three other girls followed and all pretence of remaining calm and walking was truly out the window as their trainers squeaked over the linoleum, feet thumping harshly against the steps as they tore down flight after flight. Brooke’s pulse was speeding so fast she thought she would have a heart attack, and the bones of her feet began to hurt more with every step she launched herself down two-at-a-time. Breathless and frantic, they finally reached the bottom floor, Vanessa crashing through the double doors at the bottom of the stairwell and speeding across the lobby to the main entrance. Brooke was hot on her heels, her heart now painful in her chest and her breath coming in thick, uncomfortable wheezes. Any hope she’d had sank to the floor with her gut as Vanessa pounded the automatic doors and almost wrenched the fire door off its hinges in an attempt to get out. It was to no avail.

“Oh my God. Oh my God,” Nina repeated, her hands flying to her face as it blanched in fear.

“Fucking shit- HELLO? HELLO? WE’RE STILL IN HERE!” Silky yelled at the top of her lungs to nobody in particular.

“Guys, I don’t like this,” Brooke said, hearing the shake in her own voice as her eyes darted around the huge, dark building frantically.

“No shit, really? I’m having a fuckin’ whale of a time, personally,” Vanessa hissed, casting a glare her way before going back to shaking the doorhandles in a futile attempt to open them. Brooke felt her face curl up in a sneer, all the fear she’d felt previously moved into a convenient little box and replaced with all-consuming anger.

“Ugh, JESUS, Vanessa, of course, of fucking course, we’re literally locked in a uni building with no way out and you choose to start picking a fight with me. Big fucking-”

“ENOUGH!” Nina shouted, Brooke taken aback. She had known Nina for almost three years now, and in that time she’d never heard her shout. Well, she’d heard her shout with happiness or joy or fear, but never anger like this. She felt like one of her primary school kids as Nina continued. “Both of you just shut the fuck up for one fucking minute! Can we at least just find a way out of here before you start a fucking domestic?”

“I’ll take the cafe,” Silky said decisively, shouting to the others as she ran in the opposite direction. “Nina go right, Brooke and Vanjie go left.”

Brooke narrowed her eyes, looking again at Vanessa whose gaze mirrored Brooke’s. Relenting and not wanting to risk another telling-off from Nina, Brooke obediently tore off in the direction Silky had told her to go. She weaved her way through desks and bookshelves, checking every window only to find them all locked. As she was losing hope, the dull, green light of a fire escape sign caught her eye. Brooke sighed with relief as she tore towards it. This was surely a guaranteed way out. Reaching the tall door, Brooke slammed her hands on the cold, metal bar that lay across it, pushed down, and waited for the cold night air to hit her face and calm down her panic.

Nothing.

Brooke frowned, trying again and pushing harder at the bar. This time she got her shoulder involved, leaning all her weight against it. It didn’t so much as budge.

“We’re outta luck. They’re all locked from the outside.”

Brooke turned to see Vanessa walking purposefully towards her. Her tone was frustrated, but not towards her at least. Brooke felt relieved. She was beginning to regret snapping at Vanessa earlier, even if she was meant to dislike her. She wondered if she felt as scared as she did. Brooke thought about how Vanessa always hid her fear, remembered the time they watched some shit, gory horror movie at hers when they were together. Brooke had flinched and squealed and buried her face in Vanessa’s hoodie every two seconds while Vanessa had laughed at her, told her it was all fine and fake, but Brooke could feel Vanessa’s heart beat fast in her chest and her stomach muscles tensing every time a new horrific sight appeared on screen.

Vanessa leant against the bar that Brooke had tried, punctuating it with an angry kick of her foot. “That shit’s illegal, you know. Locking a fire door. We could sue fuck outta them.”

Brooke couldn’t help the laugh that escaped. “Yeah I’m sure we, twentysomething students with collectively hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of debt, have both the resources and the influence to sue the university. They’d shit themselves.”

She watched as Vanessa looked at her, a glare about to appear in her dark eyes, then disappearing as she allowed herself a small smile and a single snort of laughter. There was a pause of silence. Brooke decided to fill it. “Let’s find the girls, maybe they found a way out.”

As they passed by the floor-to-ceiling windows again, Vanessa suddenly gasped and tore off to bang on the glass. Brooke followed her eyeline and was overjoyed to find what looked to be a janitor, finishing up and walking away from the building. She joined Vanessa and pounded her fists against the window, shouting randomly if only just to make a noise. Her hope began to die, however, when instead of noticing the absolute cacophony of noise the girls created, the man simply got further and further away. Brooke watched as he got his phone out, a long earphone cord attached to it. She slumped against the glass and let out a helpless moan.

“Fucking shit bitch ass motherfucker!” Vanessa hissed in anger, pounding on the glass with her knuckles one last time. Brooke watched as she took a step back from the window, flexed her fingers and gave a hiss.

“You okay?” Brooke found herself asking. She could already feel herself frowning in concern as Vanessa nodded briskly, shaking her hand out and sticking the knuckle of one finger in her mouth.

“Fine. Just got a lil’ over-enthusiastic, cut my finger,” she spoke around her knuckle. Brooke felt a pang at her heart. She took a step towards Vanessa.

“Let’s see?”

Vanessa gave another laugh, harsher and more sardonic than her first had been. “It’s fine, Brooke, I don’t need you to kiss it better.”

Brooke held her hands up, unable to help the way her eyebrows flew up her face. “Okay, I’ll just go fuck myself!“

“Yeah, do that,” Vanessa muttered quietly, sitting on a desk beside the window and pulling her legs up to cross them. Brooke, in lieu of snapping back at the girl she’d once called her friend but had never called her girlfriend, did the same. They sat in a hostile silence, thoughts running around Brooke’s mind as to what she could do or say. So many options flooded her head that it was hard to see any of them clearly for what they were. It turned out she didn’t need to give any of them that much thought, however, as Nina and Silky soon appeared from the other end of the building.

“Oh, good! You’ve not killed each other,” Nina said brightly upon her return. Brooke snuck a quick look at Vanessa, then rolled her eyes.

“Guess you’re as shit out of luck as we are?” Silky asked, her voice quieter than usual by at least a few dozen decibels.

“Can you believe they locked the fire doors? Fuck them, man, imagine there was a real fire?” Vanessa spat bitterly. Nina sighed heavily and shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

“We could try calling someone?”

Brooke frowned. “Who could we call?”

“The police?” Nina said immediately, her naivety causing the others to burst out laughing.

“And say what?! Hey listen, we know you’ve got murderers to catch but we’re locked in a uni building, could you bring round a big battering ram and knock the door down?” Brooke laughed, not missing the way Vanessa laughed in response and feeling a twinkle of pride light up in her heart.

“Well, could the fire brigade get us out?” Nina suggested, Silky groaning and pulling her hands down her face.

“Nina, you need to lower your expectations of what an emergency is. Four dumb uni students trapped in the library is not gonna be considered an emergency. We’re not in danger, we’re all breathing, and none of us have been set alight. That counts the big three out immediately.”

“What about a locksmith?” Vanessa shrugged. Brooke screwed up her face.

“Ah, for those locks that automatic doors have on them,” Silky deadpanned. Brooke laughed at the comment, clearly a little too loudly because Vanessa was back scowling at her again.

“Hey, they do so have locks, bitch.”

“I don’t think you can ask a locksmith to open a house that isn’t yours,” Nina frowned. Brooke raised an unimpressed eyebrow at her.

“I love my house, the university library.”

“Shut up! You knew what I meant,” Nina protested, as the other girls gave a laugh again.

“Surely there’ll be some phone number online for the janitor or something?” Brooke thought suddenly, Silky quickly taking out her phone to check. There was a moment of silence as the girls held their breath in hope. Finally, Silky let out an overjoyed cry.

“Cleaning supervisor main area- based in central library! Yes ladies! We’re fucking outta here!”

Brooke smiled so hard that her face hurt as Silky held her phone to her ear. Thank God. The nightmare was over, she could go back to her flat and not be literally trapped in a building with her ex. She would soon be-

The four girls jumped as a faint ringing of a phone could be heard from out in the lobby. For the hundredth time that night, Brooke felt her heart sink.

“I don’t really know what we expected from that,” Vanessa sighed, looking every inch the kicked puppy.

It was quickly decided that their last hope were the girls who weren’t in the library, although this went down the drain fast as it was discovered that Yvie was over at Scarlet’s flat and they were both asleep, neither Akeria nor Monet were picking up, and Plastique had gone home to revise.

“What about Monique, Vanj? Could we try her?” Nina asked. Brooke was confused at the way Vanessa’s face twisted in discomfort, a little line setting deep on her forehead.

“Nah, she, uh…she won’t pick up,” she said simply, Nina nodding quickly and neglecting to ask any more about it. It didn’t stop Brooke from being intrigued.

“What the fuck are we gonna do, then? We can’t just spend the night here,” Silky’s voice was disbelieving. Brooke gave a resigned shrug.

“Silk, I don’t think there’s any alternative. It’s only a few hours, the place’ll open up again at six. We can go upstairs and sleep in those little pods they have for group projects. Then by the time we wake up again, it’ll be morning and we can all go back to the flat,” Brooke explained calmly, although inside she still had a lot of anxiety rattling about and the dark of the library wasn’t helping.

The girls reluctantly agreed that it was probably the only thing that was left for them to do. In nervous silence they climbed the stairs to the first floor, where Silky immediately set up camp in one of the pods, stretching herself out along the seats that had once been cushioned but had been flattened by hundreds and thousands of sets of bums over the years. Nina took one and set her laptop back up again, arguing that she’d actually been on a pretty good streak before she’d had to pack up and wanted to see if she could churn out another thousand words before she went to sleep. Brooke peeled off from the girls and took her own pod, her tall body unable to fully fit along the seats. As she attempted to sleep, one thing kept stopping her as it usually seemed to around this time of day. She sighed, tossed and turned as she thought about Vanessa. It had all gone so badly wrong. The more she tried to get her off her mind, the more memories she was reminded of. Hurting Vanessa was easier than loving her; snapping at her and being snarky made Brooke feel bad and a bit of a bitch, but loving her and torturing herself for what an idiot she’d been made her feel ten times worse, as if her heart had been removed from its sheath in her ribcage and been stomped on, kicked about, stabbed with a blunt knife and dragged through broken glass. Any attempt to sleep was futile. Brooke’s eyes hurt with fatigue as she sat up, rubbed them and stretched. She would go and see if Nina was still awake, maybe sit up and annoy her for a while.

As she crossed the floor she noticed a small movement out of the corner of her eye. Vanessa was sitting on the floor by the window, her legs crossed and eating a packet of crisps she’d managed to procure from somewhere. Brooke thought she looked so tiny compared to the huge pane of glass and the world that sat outside of it. Now that the lights were off, Brooke could see every detail that lay beyond the window- the soft yellow glow of the streetlights that faintly illuminated the park beside the library, the pink and white marshmallow cherry blossom trees that lined each path. A memory shot through Brooke’s mind like a lightning bolt- the eight of them in second year after their exams had all finished, having a barbecue in the park as the sun beat down and frazzled them all to a crisp, the smell of sausages and weed carried on the light breeze and the warmth in Brooke’s heart as Vanessa had teased her about something, the girls all laughing at Brooke’s embarrassment and protests.

God, they’d all been so happy.

Without really knowing what her plan was, Brooke walked over to where Vanessa was sitting and sat down cautiously beside her. The other girl looked at her, as if she was deciding whether to glare or smile. She ended up doing neither.

“Can’t sleep either?” Brooke chose as her opener, immediately regretting it for the cheesy line from a film it was. Vanessa gave a sarcastic chuckle, gestured around her.

“Apparently,” she said simply, Brooke looking at the carpet and kicking herself. There was a moment where the cogs in her brain whirred quickly, trying to come up with something else to say. Vanessa surprised her by speaking again. “I ain’t been sleeping too good lately anyway, though, so. I guess it don’t matter.”

“Me neither,” Brooke felt something click inside her, a surge of adrenaline coursing through her veins as she spoke again. “Vanessa, we need to talk.”

Vanessa kept her eyes trained on the pane of glass in front of her. “We are talking.”

“God, Ness, please don’t make this harder than it already is,” Brooke sighed, her face pleading. Vanessa’s head snapped round to face her and her eyes were what could only be described as murderous.

“Hard? Don’t fucking dare talk to me about hard,” she said, slowly and carefully and causing Brooke’s heart to frost over in fear. “This year has been shit, absolute shit, the shittest year of my life. You broke my heart- no, fuck that. You broke me. I had to take my goddamn feelings and put them all back together again, start from scratch while you swanned about absolutely fine. I am having to fight to get my average up because of the days I spent in my flat crying instead of going to lectures. Do you have any idea, Brooke, what this has been like for me?”

Brooke was silent as Vanessa continued relentlessly. “And then I finally got myself to a place where, hey, maybe I could be friends with you again! Then what happened? All the old feelings came back, didn’t they, and then we fucking…slept with each other and-”

“Hey, no,” Brooke jumped in, frowning and unable to listen to what was to come. “Don’t try to pin that on me, Vanessa, that was all you. It wasn’t me that fucking…straddled you in the hot tub and stripped off and talked about the sex I was having with other girls, was it?”

“Oh, no! You’re right. You’re correct,” Vanessa smiled sarcastically, soon getting replaced with a scowl. “You only got with me incredibly intensely in front of seven of our closest friends, who knew all the shit that’s gone down between us and watched like a fucking soap opera.”

“Well I didn’t hear you complaining at the time!” Brooke bit back, causing Vanessa to fall silent and play with a thread of her ripped jeans. Brooke let out a breath she’d been holding, took in a huge gulp of air. “Look, this is…this is off to a bad start.”

Brooke watched Vanessa’s throat move as she swallowed, her eyes cast downwards. Brooke was good at holding in her feelings, bottling them up like her life depended on it. She was terrified of feeling too much. She had no idea how this conversation was meant to start, but she knew she had to have it.

“Vanessa, I am sorry. I know it doesn’t mean much to you, but for what it’s worth, I am. I’m sorry for going about everything the wrong way. I’d never…done anything like this before, never properly seen anyone like I was seeing you, so I didn’t know how to behave. And fuck, maybe I was leading you on, and I’m sorry for that too. I just didn’t know what I wanted. Well, I thought I knew what I wanted but then I just…didn’t any more. I’m sorry for hurting you. I didn’t realise how much you liked me until it was too late,” Brooke cut herself off, sighing and feeling a bubble of sadness rise up in her throat. “Fuck, I’m trying to put it all the way I want it but nothing’s coming out right.”

Vanessa was looking at her, she knew it, but Brooke’s gaze had dropped to the floor. She brought her knees up to her chest. There was so much she wanted to say to Vanessa but none of the sentences she constructed in her head seemed to be sufficient.

“That night. You said that you missed me,” Vanessa’s voice was soft and small as she spoke, stripped from all the venom it had held before. “Did you mean it?”

Brooke jumped in instantly. “Yes.”

Vanessa was now looking at the floor, picking at her shoelace. “And did you mean…as a friend, or…just the sex, or…”

Brooke took a deep breath. I love you I love you IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. The words were so close to coming out, but she stopped them. Now wasn’t the right time, nowhere near the right time. She tried to think about what the perfect response would be, sighed, scrapped it, and decided to just simply speak. “I miss you as…everything. I miss you as whatever you want to be to me. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me. I just miss you for all that you are, the person you are. I miss us,” Brooke paused, realised her last remark was slightly risky. “Interpret that…however you want.”

Brooke snuck a gaze at Vanessa. A thought struck her as memories ran round her mind, and now she had started talking it seemed she couldn’t stop. “Do you remember after we…after lazerquest. Yvie’s birthday. We met up and we spoke about things and you said something. That whatever happens, we’d be friends always. Do you remember?”

Vanessa gave a little laugh. “You can wear a set of armbands in a current, don’t mean you won’t drown.”

She saw Brooke’s confused look, shot her a bashful smile. “I never expected to…end up feeling so strongly for you at the start. Didn’t expect to get as crazy about you as I got. Man…I wish you could turn feelings off.”

Brooke felt herself frown, a deep regret settling in the pit of her stomach. “I wish that too.”

She didn’t miss the brief look of surprise that flashed across Vanessa’s face. In the lull in conversation that followed, Vanessa wordlessly pushed the packet of crisps towards Brooke. She took one. Chilli heatwave wasn’t her favourite flavour, but it was a peace offering, and she’d take what she could get.

"So I stopped sleeping with Monique,” Vanessa commented, shrugging a little. Brooke blinked, almost choked on her crisp as she raced to get a reply out.

“Uh, yeah, I did notice you were a bit weird about things when Nina said you should call her.”

Vanessa pushed some hair out of her face, puffed her cheeks up with air and blew out harshly. “Monet kinda told me…she was catching feelings, and obviously I wasn’t there for that. So I said to her we shouldn’t keep going.”

Brooke felt a little twinge of pain for Monique. The poor girl had a crush and was just caught in the crossfire. “And how did she take it?”

Vanessa stared through the glass, her gaze steadfast. “I could tell she was sad. Disappointed. She didn’t start cryin’ or nothing, but…God, I still felt bad. I liked her, you know, she was a great girl. Maybe there’s a parallel universe where she took my heart and patched it all up again and we ended up together but…that’s not what it was for me. And the more she said she understood and that she hoped I’d find happiness, the worse I felt for having to tell her I wanted something different.”

Brooke nodded. She wanted to tell Vanessa that she knew the feeling all too well, but she didn’t want to interrupt her. Vanessa turned her head slowly, finally making eye contact with Brooke, and her eyes were the softest they’d been in a while. “I guess what I’m sayin’ is…I know now what it must have been like for you to break it off with me. And yeah, it completely fuckin’ wrecked me but…you did what you had to do. So…I forgive you, Brooke Lynn.”

Brooke couldn’t quite believe Vanessa was in front of her saying all this. Instinctively she wanted to launch herself forward and hug her, thanking her for her change of heart. Just as she’d convinced herself she was almost going to do it, Vanessa spoke again. Her voice held a slightly more steely note to it now. “But I don’t forgive you for kissing me or for that night in the hot tub. That really fucked with me.”

Brooke fought the urge to snap a childish you started it at her and instead said a soft okay. She also fought the urge to reach out and place a hand on top of Vanessa’s. The building was still pitch black and silent and the girls had reached a conversational purgatory. Vanessa had forgiven her for some of her mistakes at least. This was the closure Brooke had wanted. Despite herself, she found herself opening her mouth. There was so much still unresolved.

“You must kind of hate me for that."

Vanessa snorted, tilted her head to the sky. "I do and I don’t.”

A small silence. Brooke knew what she wanted to say, knew what topic she wanted to breach, but it meant plunging head first into the icy chill of the great unknown, and as much as she wanted to talk about it she was terrified of doing so.

“Is that because part of you loves me?”

It was out before Brooke knew it. Vanessa had frozen, her body unmoving with her head still positioned towards the ceiling like a terrifying Exorcist yoga pose. Brooke could immediately predict it, could practically hear it- Vanessa’s quick, sarcastic response, don’t flatter yourself, her getting up and thundering away to another part of the building in some angry game of hide and seek. She couldn’t face any of those options, so Brooke continued talking. “I was in the bathroom at the same time. In the next stall along from you and the girls. I heard you say that you never got to tell me. Did you mean it?”

“Why are you asking me this, Brooke? Is it to add insult to injury? Is it not enough knowing that the girl you broke it off with can still come crawling back into bed with you so easily, you have to rub salt into the wound by getting me to fucking…” Brooke heard Vanessa take a big deep, shaky breath, felt the tears prick at the corners of her own eyes. “…admit that I’m in love with you, yes, okay? I love you. What’s the reason?”

“Because I…fuck,” Brooke jumped in then immediately stopped. She felt her jaw wire itself shut, almost paralysed with fear. She didn’t know if she could verbalise everything she was feeling. “I’m not good at talking about this stuff.”

“No shit, Miss Marple,” Vanessa quipped bitterly, her eyes back looking at the carpet and avoiding Brooke’s gaze. The lack of eye contact helped Brooke. She carried on.

“You know, I used to lie in bed before I went to sleep and rehearse what I would say to you to tell you I liked you,” Brooke gave a laugh, remembering when things were more simple. “Except none of it worked out that way. And now I’ve actually got a second chance at it, I’m almost too frightened to say it. I completely fucked it with you, Vanessa. You’re an absolute one of a kind person. Your smile just makes me happy whether or not it’s directed at me. The love and loyalty you have for your friends makes me proud of you. You’re so determined and hard working and you’re smashing your degree. And you’re kind. You see the good in everyone and you’re not afraid to feel and tell the world all about it. All these things that I just…love about you. It took me being away from you and making the biggest mistake of my life, and that night when we were together like everything was back to normal, it took all of that to make me realise that I’m…fuck..”

Brooke almost hadn’t realised she was crying until a sob bubbled up in her throat, almost choking her. It was almost like her body’s survival mechanism, trying to save her from the potential rejection she might face once the words were out.

Fuck it.

“I’m in love with you. I love you so much that it scares me. It scares me more than being fucking…trapped in the library in the pitch black with no way out,” Brooke let out a hybrid of a laugh and a sob. By now, Vanessa had lifted her gaze to look at Brooke, and Brooke had shifted hers so she could protect herself from Vanessa’s reaction. “Because I don’t want to hurt you again, and you deserve better than someone like me.”

“Then don’t,” Vanessa said quietly.

“What?” Brooke whispered, confused. She tugged the sleeves of her jumper over her hands and jammed them under her eyes, used them to stop the tears from escaping.

“You said you don’t want to hurt me again. Then don’t,” Vanessa repeated patiently. Brooke blinked. She had no idea what that meant, so she went with the knowledge she had at hand.

“I love you, and you love me,” Brooke said softly, finally meeting Vanessa’s eyes. “Can we…do something with that information?”

Vanessa let out a loud blast of a laugh, making Brooke giggle even though she didn’t know what was funny. “God, that’s the most Brooke Lynn Hytes way of asking me out ever. Can we do something with that information.”

Vanessa’s smile was infectious. It lit up Brooke’s heart and she wanted nothing more than to lean forward and kiss her gently, to make Vanessa hers properly this time. As her smile faded though, Brooke felt her hope fade too. Vanessa let out a world-weary sigh. “Brooke, I don’t…I don’t know if I can do this all over again.”

Brooke’s heart dropped to the floor and shattered. She wanted to say something, fill the silence and reassure her, but nothing came out. She had opened up, and it had all been for nothing. This was her karma- she had broken Vanessa’s heart and now here was Vanessa breaking hers. She felt crushed. Lacking the energy to do it properly, she nodded her head once, the action small and probably barely noticeable.

It was so quiet that Brooke could hear Vanessa swallow beside her, hear her breathing deeply to calm herself down before she spoke. “You never hear it in the movies but sometimes…sometimes love isn’t enough, you know, sometimes you need to put yourself first, and sometimes the person you love ain’t necessarily the one who ends up making you happiest.”

Brooke felt her chest grow tight, felt ashamed as her head hung to the floor. She saw two tears fall from her eyes and drop onto the carpet, making identical, miniscule ponds.

“But then also,” Vanessa continued, the but aspect causing Brooke’s heart to dip and soar upwards as if it was on a rollercoaster. “I love you for a reason, don’t I? The way that you say shit that’s all sarcastic and funny. The way you make me laugh. The way you’re always blunt and truthful, and when you say nice things to me it feels like you’re just saying a fact. The way you got this childish, immature streak to you that makes everything feel like an adventure when I’m with you. You listen in the best way, ‘cause you never try an’ force advice down anyone’s throat. You’re always so concerned about everyone you care for and want them to be happy…and even though you ain’t good at expressin’ it, I know you have feelings and I know they scare you. You’re like a fuckin…model, you’re so beautiful and perfect. So that’s as simple as it has to be, right?”

Brooke looked up and saw tears in Vanessa’s own eyes. All the honesty was so raw and painful, like burnt or grazed skin, and it hurt and stung as if it was real. It was real. Brooke hid a sob, took a deep breath. “I don’t, uh. I don’t know where we take this.”

“I want to be with you. I want to love and be loved, feel my heart fuckin’…burst like it’s made of confetti,” Vanessa continued, letting out what could have been a sob or a laugh. “But I want to be happy. I don’t want to be hurt again. I’m scared.”

“I’m scared too,” Brooke nodded, feeling the tracks the tears were making down her face. She sighed, the pain in her heart too heavy for her to carry. “Fuck, maybe we’re just not meant for each other, maybe we got our chance already. Maybe nothing should come of this-”

“But, fuck, I love you, Brooke! And you love me,” Vanessa sighed in exasperation, her mascara collecting under her eyes as her own tears continued to fall. “And that…that means something.”

“I love you,” Brooke repeated, in case it counted for anything. It meant the world to her. Vanessa gave a sad smile, reached out and took Brooke’s hand and laced their fingers together. She squeezed Brooke’s hand twice, and the simple gesture made Brooke hopeful that everything was going to be okay.

“Shit, I waited so long to hear you say that and now it’s like…” Vanessa began sadly, trailing off. Brooke didn’t push her to finish her sentence. Instead, she squeezed her hand like Vanessa had done with hers. The action seemed to work as a prompt, because she spoke again, tilting her head with curiosity. “What do you want outta all this?”

Brooke knew immediately. “I want you. I want us to be us again.”

Vanessa let out a soft sigh, paused. “Okay, well. I don’t know what I want right now, Brooke. An’ it’s gonna be hard to start again. So you’re gonna need to give me time to decide.”

“That’s okay. I’ll wait for you. You can take all the time you need,” Brooke reassured her instantly. “I’ll still be here.”

Vanessa’s hand shifted in her own. Brooke watched as she frowned a little, cast her gaze her way again. "You mean that?”

“I mean it. Whatever you decide. Whether we’re worth an extra chance or not. I’ll wait for you.”

A small smile crept onto Vanessa’s face as Brooke waited for her reply. “That’s the most romantic shit anyone ever said to me.”

“Well, it’s just the truth,” Brooke muttered, feeling her cheeks grow hot and glad that the dark room would hide her pink blush. Then, getting an idea and feeling a little spark of that childishness and immaturity Vanessa seemed to love so much, Brooke let go of Vanessa’s hand and held out her other one for her to shake. The other girl looked at her, a funny, confused smile on her face as she took her hand and shook it obediently.

“Hey. I’m Brooke Lynn,” she began, trying to suppress her smile as she spoke. Vanessa giggled, falling back a little then leaning forward.

“What are you…”

“Starting again. What’s your name, beautiful?” Brooke teased, all the darkness somehow bursting into colour as Vanessa laughed beside her, swatting her on her arm with her hand. She hadn’t seen this Vanessa in so long; happy, laughing, cheerful and playful. Brooke could’ve cried with how much she’d missed her.

“This is some dumbass shit, you know that?” Vanessa giggled, but Brooke could see the blush on her own cheeks illuminated by the streetlamps outside. Vanessa appeared to see her expectant face, laughed a resigned laugh and indulged her. “Nice to meet you, Brooke. I’m Vanjie. Well, Vanessa, but everyone calls me Vanjie.”

“Can I call you Vanessa? It’s pretty. It suits you.”

Vanessa laughed again, making Brooke give a chuckle too. “Bitch! You never flirted with me this hard the first time.”

“Well the first time we were friends, so I couldn’t flirt with you. Not properly like I wanted to anyway,” Brooke laughed, taking a Dorito and throwing it at her playfully. Vanessa squealed, toppling herself out of the way. “You, on the other hand, flirted all the time.”

“I’m a flirtatious person! You shouldn’t have taken that shit personal,” Vanessa protested, attempting to look offended but unable to wipe the smile off her face.

“So Vanessa,” Brooke carried on, trying to stop herself smiling as she carried on with the charade. “What are you studying?”

They carried on like that all through the night, being silly and getting to know each other again right from the very beginning. They had missed out on so much conversation over the past few months that it was actually nice to catch up, to re-establish herself in Vanessa’s life. She was looking at graduate jobs in events management for after uni and thinking of moving home to save money. For a fleeting moment Brooke almost suggested that they move in together but she was glad she had the sense not to verbalise that, a thought that was perhaps better bottled up and saved for another time. After all, Vanessa hadn’t even decided if she wanted to be with Brooke or not yet. Brooke had to cling on to the hope that maybe she would, because she had nothing else. Well, that was a lie. She had Vanessa’s smile and her laugh, the twinkle in her eyes when Brooke made a deadpan comment. She had the way Vanessa opened up to her, told her how scared she was of trying to navigate the world on her own after she graduated. She had the way that Vanessa shuffled close to her when the sun eventually began to rise, its glow a burnt orange ombre into a soft yellow which faded into the gentle blue of the morning sky. She had the way Vanessa’s head fit perfectly into the crook of her neck as, worn out and exhausted, she closed her eyes and dozed off in Brooke’s tentative arms.

Most of all, she had the fact that Vanessa loved her, and Brooke loved her back. And even though it hadn’t been the movie scene confession Brooke had been expecting, that fact, the sunrise, and Vanessa sleeping softly against her chest was enough for her for the moment.

#rpdr fanfiction #not nineteen forever #n19f #ortega #branjie #scyvie #ninex #brooke lynn hytes #vanessa vanjie mateo #lesbian au #college au #university au #nina west #silky nutmeg ganache #s11

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jungshookz · 5 years

Text

i spy with my little eye; jjk

🎃 pairing: jeon jungkook x reader

🎃 genre: spooktober day (1/7); i don’t think this counts as horror but i’ll say it’s horror anyway

🎃 wordcount: 2k

🎃 notes: i decided to hop on the spooktober bandwagon literally like an hour ago because i miss writing short n sweet drabbles and i’m sick of studying for midterms and i’m in the mood to creep! people! out! so i hope this is an acceptable fiRSt piece leading up to halloween! i’m hoping to have a short drabble out every day but we’ll see how that works out lmao anYWAYs i hope you enjoy this first drabble and- wtf who the hell is that behind you????

(i’m having some trouble finding the original source of the picture but i got it off this website!)

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jungkook has never really believed in the concept of soulmates

it just doesn’t make sense to him

whY in the world would the gods up there be wasting time pairing people up with their so-called perfect match when they could be doing something a lot more productive??

like.,.,,. stoPPING global warming

or keeping the national forests from burning down???

to be fair there are a lot of things that humans could do to prevent those things from happening but the poINT is:

jungkook doesn’t believe in soulmates

that is…until you came along.

if it wasn’t already obvious by now, you are the absolute apple!!!! of jungkook’s eye

he’s just so painfully in love with you that sometimes he doesn’t know what to do with all of these emotions and he just!!!!!

aHHH!!!!!!

here’s a quick breakdown of all of the things jungkook loves about you :-)

1) when you’re laughing especially hard at something, sometimes you unintentionally let out a little snort and he can’t help but think that that’s the cuTEst thing in the entire world even though you’ve openly expressed how emBArrassing it is to you

2) when you’re concentrating hard in class on what the professor’s saying, there’s always a little divot in between your brows and soMetimes a bit of your tongue will poke out in between your lips as you furiously try to copy whatever it is the professor has on the screen in front of everyone

3) you always smell so nice!!! he can’t quite put his finger on it but it’s a light perfume with hints of what he thinks might be honeysuckle? he’s not sure about that one so he’ll have to ask you to double-check

4) sometimes when you’re nervous about something you’ll twiddle a piece of hair in between your fingers and he doesn’t know why he finds that so endearing but it just is

5) oh my god you are sO cute when you fall asleep on your couch during the middle of a netflix binge or a study session

it’s kind of funny because you fall asleep in the strangest positions

sometimes you’ll be on your back with one leg hanging over the back of the couch and the other kinda just flopping oFF the couch

sometimes you’ll be on your front curled up to one of your throw pillows

either way jungkook always makes sure that you stay nice and warm by covering you with a blanket when you fall asleep

and trust him, he knoWS it’s probably the cheesiest thing in the entire world to say but he’s almost positive that you’re the one for him

jungkook lets out a light chuckle and shakes his head as he crosses the street

the streetlight at the end of the sidewalk flickers slightly and he shivers before shoving his hands into his pocket

it’s getting cold out

he hopes you’re bundled up!

what was he thinking about again

yes

you!

you and the fact that you! are! the! one! for! him!!!!!

little ol’ him!!!!!!!

never in a million years did he think he’d ever be saying that

but it’s true!

you’ve turned his whole world upside down and he wouldn’t have it in any other way

he just wants to love you and protect you from all the bad things in the world and keep you warm and safe and happy and-

jungkook is suddenly puLLed out of his thoughts quite abruptly when someone raMs right into him as he rounds the corner

“shoot, i am sO sorry-!“

it takes a second for jungkook to compose himself but once the world stops spinning he perks up because hEy

it’s you!!!!!!

…what the heCk are you doing out so late at night??

it’s not safe out here!!!!

knowing you, you probably stayed late to finish up a project or something

almost immediately the corner of jungkook’s lips tug up in a smile and you return one in response

“i’m sorry, i was texting someone and i wasn’t watching where i was going- are you okay?”

“i’m good. great, in fact.” jungkook breathes out as you hand him back his phone that you knocked out of his hand

a moment of silence goes by before you speak up again

“…i’m sorry, i just- i feel like i know you from somewhere. do i… know you from somewhere?”

here’s a quick breakdown of all of the things jungkook has observed about you and has grown to love about you :-)

he overheard one of your friends - jimin, that’s what your friend’s name is - teasing you about your snort and even going as far as to imitate your snort and something about that just didn’t sit right with him

which is why he scratched up the sides of jimin’s jeep with his keys :-)

in time he’ll figure out a way to fully get rid of jimin

you seem to have a lot of male friends which is definitely a bit of a problem but he’s sure he can handle them just fine!

the only reason why jungkook knows that is because he has coincidentally enrolled in the exact same courses as you which means he has the exact same schedule as you which mEans that he just so happens to be where you are at any given hour of the day

he knows that your coffee order in the morning is an iced vanilla coffee with 2% milk (it’s getting chillier though so maybe you should start drinking hot coffee instead, just a suggestion)

he knows that you hang out at the library for two hours before your - and his - first class starts for the day

he knows that you always meet up for lunch with your group of aforementioned male friends and he knows almost everything about them

jimin, taehyung, yoongi, namjoon, jin, and hoseok

to be fair they seem like a group of nice people but jungkook can’t have anyone else vying for your heart

that just won’t dO

now that you’re standing right in front of him (and with the help of the sLight breeze) he can 100% confirm that your perfume has hints of honeysuckle in it

he bought a perfume the other day and he’s pretty sure he got the right one

the store clerk asked if he was buying it for his girlfriend and he happily said yes to that question

he sprayed every inch of his apartment with the perfume and now everything smells like you

:-)

which is exactly what he wanted

:-)

4) sometimes when you’re nervous about something you’ll twiddle a piece of hair in between your fingers

jungkook has been told that he’s a very observant person so he picks up on a lot of things

he knows about every single one of your nervous habits

one time he saw taehyung tuck a strand of hair behind your ear after you stopped twiddling with it and he got sO upset at observing that with his own two eyes that he snapped his pencil in half

the absolute audaCITY of taehyung to think that he’s worthy of even laying a finger on you

(apparently taehyung has a slight peanut allergy which is a piece of very interesting information jungkook recently learned.)

5) oh my god you are sO cute when you fall asleep on your couch during the middle of a netflix binge or a study session

jungkook always makes sure to check up on you in your apartment

by the way, you should really learn to lock your front door and your windows

there are some really bad people out there who might want to hurt you!!! you need to learn how to protect yourself >:-(

one night you kind of woke up when he was in the middle of covering you with a blanket and he’s 99.9% sure that you caught a glimpse of him

but in your drowsy state you literally just fell back asleep and snuggled further into the couch pillows and jungkook snuck out without waking you up (he managed to grab one of your shirts out of the laundry basket before leaving so,.,.,. mission succESS)

(when you woke up later that night you found it odd that a) you were covered with a blanket and b) the tv was off and you knEW you left it on when you fell asleep)

“am i just the asshole with the bad memory or am i being crazy?” you joke and pull your jacket tighter around yourself

“don’t worry, you’re not the crazy one.” jungkook teases before shaking his head “nah, we don’t know each other.”

“oh.” you deflate a little before narrowing your eyes slightly

you feel like you’ve seen this guy before but you’re not sure where

for the record he’s kinda cuTe??

he has that e-boy thing going on

you know

the dark hair, the earrings, the cargo pants, the chuNky boots

…you’re kinda into it

maybe it’s just because a lot of guys have been dressing up like that lately that you think he looks so familiar

“i’ve been told i just have one of those faces, you know?” jungkook shrugs casually and shoves his hands into his pockets

“ah, that makes sense. sorry about that, i just… you look really familiar!” you laugh lightly and jungkook shrugs again before letting out a chuckle “by the way, you should probably head home now because it’s getting pretty dark out-“ you pause and look around before leaning in a little “i hear there’s a crazy guy on the loose.”

jungkook raises a brow “oh, really? i didn’t hear anything about that.”

“mm, it’s all over the school papers. one of my friends had their car, like, suPer scratched up so- just stay safe!” you chirp and let out a little sigh “anyways, i have to hurry to the bus stop if i wanna catch the next one on time.” you point to over his shoulder at where the bus stop is

“right, right…” jungkook’s eyes follow your hand as you reach up to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear

he did a pretty good job at snipping off that lock of your hair when you were asleep

you can barely tell that there’s a bit of hair missing

“sorry about the mix-up, by the way. i really thought i knew you…”

it’s unfortunate that you don’t know him

because he knows you.

he knows you better than he knows the back of his hand.

heCk, he knows the back of your hand better than he knows the back of his hand

it’s fine

in time, you’ll get to know him.

you will.

jungkook smirks to himself as he begins walking again and he fiddles with the lock of your hair that he has stashed away in his pocket

oh, you will.

(the next morning you spend forty minutes searching for your favourite shirt but you never end up finding it.)

((if you had paid a little more attention to jungkook’s phone, you would’ve noticed that his lock screen was a picture of you sleeping.))

help me help you make your wishes come tru (aka send me a spooky request)

drabble masterlist // main masterlist

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hollands-poppet · 5 years

Text

Dancing with Our Hands Tied // Part 8 ( Last Part..) // Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Tom Holland is your best friend and your roommate, but you both have undisclosed feelings for each other.

Word count: 3K💛

A/N: HELLLOO BABIES!! AMY IS BACK FROM THE DEAD. HAHA jk, well kind of. I really wanted to finish this story because I just kind of want to move on from this phase of my life, as far as my fan fictions go. I still want to write, I just want to move on from this story. I love you guys, hope it was worth the wait!!! 💛 💛 💛

Warnings: cussing, I didn’t proofread at all lmao.. I’m just gonna copy and past all my warnings now hahaha y’all get so butthurt on here (like fake fucking homecomings like wtf), its just a fucking story. anyway, this shit ain’t real..if you don’t want to read what people want to put out then maybe fan fictions aren’t for ya.. y’all are super sensitive on here lmao k thanks for coming to my ted talk bye and I kind of proofread but not really

PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 PART 5 PART 6 PART 7

“You what?!” Zendaya yells at Tom who is zipping up his spidey suit.

“I broke up with her.” And he says it with such anger in himself, he would admit that he had a short temper but he knew he fucked up. He didn’t mean to break up with her but the heat of the moment brought up all these emotions and he wanted to hurt her in that short second. It had been a day since he had about seen y/n but it felt like a lifetime.

In that short second, he wanted to hurt her because she had hurt him. But had he waited another second, none of this would have happened if he had just listened to what she had to say..but he didn’t. He brought breaking up first, and he knew it was fault.

“Tom, you realize that you screwed this up right? I really don’t know what else to tell you.” Zendaya says as she waits for her co-star to get ready to shoot.

He wouldn’t admit it but the truth burned, “I know! I know! But- I just..I didn’t think about what I was saying..I just wanted her to come back with me, y’know?” He finishes zipping up the side of the suit and faces Z in the face and away from the mirror in his trailer, “I fucked up..and that’s that.”

Zendaya gives a sarcastic smile as she begins to slow clap, “Royally, my friend.”

Tom rolls his eyes and flips off his friend whose only laying out the plain truth, and only a few seconds later Harrison walks in with a cup of coffee.

“Is that my coffee?” Tom asks as he walks towards his friend/assistant but finds that the cup of joe moves over his hand.

“No mate, sorry.” Haz takes a sip, “Honestly, you don’t want to kiss Zendaya with coffee breath though.:

Z and Tom’s heads both snap at the exact moment in shock and at same time speak, “that’s today?!”

Haz gulps down another sip of his coffee, “Yeah, talk about bad timing. Break up with your girlfriend and kiss another girl right in front of her. What a time to be an actor!” The blonde says exaggeratingly to annoy his best friend.

Tom sighs as she walks towards the exit of his trailer, “Is y/n on set yet?”

Haz shrugs as he looks at himself in the vanity, “Not sure, maybe.” Z lightly smacks the back of his head, “You’re literally no help.”

Everyone on set was ready, it had taken about two hours to prep and all the crew was waiting for was the talent. y/n was along one of the crew to wait around to touch up Z, she wore barely to any makeup for the role of MJ. Her job for this specific film was to make sure her hair looked consistent and to pat away any shiny-ness on Z’s face.

She waited for Tom and Zendaya along with everyone and she didn’t know how she really felt about that, she wasn’t sure what they were filming today to be honest. She did notice some harnesses, so she figured that her ex was probably going to be filming some stunts. Even though they were no longer an item, to even refer to Tom as in ex in her mind really hurt.

She didn’t understand why he would do that to her, and for such a stupid reason too, well in her opinion at least. She knew Tom was going to feel some type of way about her not moving to Kingston, but she didn’t think the worst. She didn’t know it was going to be his deal breaker.

y/n clears her throat as away to get back in focus because the talent is finally arriving on set, and from the distance there she spots him. She sees Tom and Z walk on set, and his mask is already on. The only visible part of his face were his eyes, he couldn’t put on the spidey eyes until they were ready to film for safety reasons.

Z breaks off from Tom and makes her towards y/n to get touched up before they start filming. Tom makes his way towards the stunt coordinator and towards the harnesses to discuss what’s about to go down.

y/n hears her name and immediately focuses back on her task, this was not the time and place to be thinking about this. She pulls a powder puff and brush so that she can begin touching up Zendaya.

“How you feeling?” Z asks as she looks into her friends eyes, y/n sighs as she pats down her forehead and completely avoids eye contact.

She almost whispers her response because she doesn’t want to even think about it, “Just leave it alone, please.”

Y/N puts away her brush and powder in her belt and re-adjusts Z’s hair just to make sure it’s been consistent since the last time they shot. “Don’t worry about me today.”

And for the most part, Y/N was zoned out until she was called to fix Zendaya’s hair or touch up her shine. A lot ran through her mind as she stand behind the tents and cameras, and a lot was about her and Tom and if all these fighting was worth it anymore.

When y/n wasn’t zoned out, she would catch glimpses of Zendaya and Tom laughing and talking. It almost stung because he was so nonchalant about everything but he also had a job to do, and so did y/n.

y/n and tom started off as roommates and nothing more but this nothing turned into something. She knew what she was getting herself into and now she just wanted a way out of it.

All she needed was time and he couldn’t give that to her… well that’s what it seemed like. People in love say ‘home is where the heart is’ and if that’s what Tom was then why couldn’t she let go of the rest.. right?

More bitterness began to hit as the day was closer to ending. This was the last day of filming and she couldn’t believe that these past few months had gone by so quickly. It also hit her that she hasn’t gotten help for her trauma that she hadn’t taken care of.

She knew it was a reason that caused her and Tom break up.

As Tom and Zendaya swing down from the air and onto the pavement, y/n watches from the distance as the two lock eyes and the film is still rolling. He pulls of his mask and immediately locks his lips with Zendaya, and it’s almost a stab to the heart.

And they didn’t just shoot this scene once, they shot it enough that y/n had to move away from the main set while she hung out at the food table.

This was all fake and she knew that, and she was going to be fine. It was a little annoying to see but she knew that he loved her whether he had to kiss her best friend or not. And this was one of the last of her problems because she had nowhere to live and also had ptsd.

“cut! and that’s a wrap!”

y/n sighs and lets out a fake smile as the rest of the crew who claps out of excitement because quite literally this was the last scene. She claps from the food table as she watches her friends from the distance. Spiderman:far from home was done and so were her and Tom?

y/n had began packing for a couple of hours now, shooting was wrapped and she had no other reason to be in new york anymore. z was on her way back home to vacation with her family and y/n literally had nowhere to go. She wasn’t sure what Tom had done with their apartment back in LA but she as hell didn’t want to back there.

Her ptsd from that awful situation still haunts her and being alone in that place would trigger her so bad. This was truly one of those moments that she didn’t know if she could escape from, she had to face her fears whether that meant being homeless for a couple of days or facing Tom. She didn’t know if she could do either of them but she had to choose.

It was like in that moment the energy had brought up the knock on your hotel room door, “Who is it?” She asks as she continues shoving some of her toiletries in her luggage. The person’s voice at the door was too faint to hear so she decided to look and there stood her tall friend, Zendaya. y/n wasn’t too excited about company at the moment but she decided to open the door for her friend, “ Hey..”

Z smiles awkwardly, her snaggle tooth making an appearance, “Can I come in?”

y/n purses her lips in thought and nods almost hesitantly but let’s her friend into her room, “What’s up?” She asks as she closes her room door.

“I just wanted to check up on you, you’ve been pretty distant since we filmed last..” Zendaya turns around to face y/n who is still close to the door, “Like right now, your energy feels so off.”

y/n sighs, rubs her eyes in frustration and completely forgets she has mascara on, “I mean, Tom and I are done. I’m kind of upset about that.”

Z crosses her arms, she believed y/n but something felt different. “Okay, I get that but did I do something?” Her arms unfold and she rest her to hands on her chest, “Did I do something personally to upset you?”

And in fact, y/n wasn’t upset with her good friend at all but just bitter because she was freely being intimate with Tom on set. It was work though, Tom and Z’s job is romantic at the moment and y/n had no say in that but it also wasn’t her friend’s fault. In truth, y/n couldn’t bare the sight of them together but she had no right to be upset at her friend.

Although y/n wanted to tell Z the truth, right now wasn’t the time. “I- I just have a lot on my mind, I’m kind of homeless right now so I’m trying to figure out where I should even book a flight to.”

Z walks up to her friend and holds both of her elbows, she is super confused. “What do you mean..homeless? Your apartment..?”

y/n nods her head in defeat, even bowing her head because she can’t look her friend in the eyes, “I can’t go back there..it’s just too much.” Just thinking about the break in makes her so nauseous, the tears in her eyes beginning to overflow.

“Is it because of Tom?” Z asks, and y/n’s head immediately shoots up, “How dare you ask that.”

y/n’s tone becomes serious, her two tears flow down her cheeks as her eyes dry up, “I have more important things to deal with than him. I think I fucking need therapy for that fucking break in because I’m so fucked up and I can’t be alone.”

“Then don’t be, y/n.”

y/n nods her head, her throat burning because she is triggered that her friend is hitting the spots that she has been avoiding.

“For fucksakes, he literally wants to move to a different country with you..please help me understand.” Zendaya’s voice is in between frustrated but also understanding, she wants nothing but the best for her friend.

“That’s the thing... I need to be alone.” y/n moves past her friend and sits next to her luggage, “I need to be okay to be alone again. I love him so much..I just can’t be alone and what if-”

“What if?” Z asks before she can even finish her sentence. She makes her way next to y/n and moves her hair behind her ears, desperate to try and help her friend find an answer.

“What if I let my trauma take over my life?” She sighs as she lets out a few more tears, “I just know that I have to take care of this.”

Even though filming was done, Tom was going to stay in the big apple for a couple of more days. He was going to make an appearance at jimmy kimmel the next night so he was resting up. He lay on his bed in his pajamas and phone in hand just scrolling through his instagram when he gets a call.

Her name reads across the screen as he sits up quickly and blinks a couple of more times to make sure this was real.

“Hello?” He says into the phone, waiting to hear her voice on the other side.

“Hey...uhm, I’m outside your door.”

He keeps the phone to his ear as he gets up from his bed and makes his way to the hotel door, removing all the extra locks and there she was.

There is awkward tension but the energy flowing between them also feels safe. She brings her phone to her jean pocket and clears her throat, “Can I…?” She doesn’t even finish her question, it doesn’t give Tom more than a second to move out of the way.

He finally removes the phone from his ear, “I didn’t think you would still be here.”

She shrugs her shoulders as she stands in the middle of his room, “There were still things I needed to take care of.”

“Like us?” Tom bluntly asks, he needed to know and she needed to know that he fucked up. y/n looks to the ground and bites her bottom lip and makes eye contact with him, “There is no us..not anymore and I just wanted to-”

“No,no,no,” He repeatedly says as he drops

his phone to the floor and makes his way to her, “Listen, I fucked up so badly and I just wanted you to know that we don’t have to move anywhere you don’t want to.”

y/n purses her lips in thought, not even directly making eye contact with him. “I just- I need help.”

Tom shrugs his neck back a bit in confusion, “What?”

Tears begin to flow down her cheeks as she lets out a sigh in between an awkward laugh, “I need to be able to be alone..whether we’re together or not. I need to be able to be independent and not afraid.”

Before he can even respond, she continues. “And trust me, moving to a different country with you has nothing to do with it. And the old me would’ve went in a heartbeat...I need to find her again.”

Tom is still slightly unaware at what she is hinting it, he understands that the break in still has her a bit paranoid. “So, what are you saying?”

“I’m going to start going to therapy.” She lets out as she stands in the front of his bed, she meddles with her fingers as she finally releases her truth.

“And that’s okay, darling. I’m literally going to be here with you every step of the way.” Tom remarks as he finally makes his way to her, his hands interlocking with hers. Her hands weren’t as warm as they usually were but there he was to make her feel safe again. His hands move from her hands and up her arms, she still isn’t making eye contact with him.

“We can’t, Tom.” She doesn’t move, not even an inch because the warmth feels nice and familiar. She’s weary of even giving into a hug or a kiss, she doesn’t want to regret her decision.

He notices her not wanting to give into him but he also knows that this is what she has wanted for a long time..actually what they both have wanted for the longest time.

“Come on, love...aren’t you tired of dancing with our hands tied?” He asks as his hands rest on her neck, and her hands slowly come up his.

Her head comes closer to his, their noses touching at this point, “I am tired..but I need to work on myself first.”

Their lips touch and it felt like nothing has ever went wrong between the two. They were just two young kids who wanted only this and this moment to last forever.

She pulls away and her sighs, she needs to express a bit more before any of this goes further, “Tom..I just want you to know that I can’t move to Kingston…”

He nods in agreement as their noses are still intact, “That’s okay, love. You don’t-”

“But, I do. I really do want to move there and be with you.” She bites her bottom lip as her hands hold onto arms tightly, “I just need to make sure I’m okay..And I don’t know if that’ll be tomorrow, a week, a month, a year.” There is a pause between the two, she’s nervous. All she wanted was this to work and whether that meant they had to work on themselves separately or together.

All y/n wanted to make sure was that he made her heart feel safe, and that if this wasn’t okay that he needed to tell her that. All she wanted to hear was that it was going to be okay, and his response was only a few moments away. She hoped he didn’t run away this time.

A/N: SO DON’T FREAK OUT. THERE IS GOING TO BE AN EPILOGUE. UNTIL THEN...HIT MY MESSAGES..SEND ME THEORIES, THOUGHTS ANYHTING! LOVE YOU GUYS. -Amy 💛

#tom holland fan fic #tom holland #tom holland imagines #tom holland angst #tom holland x reader #reader x tom holland #tom holland x y/n #y/n x tom holland #tom #holland #spiderman #far from home #spiderman far from home #tom holland fan #tom holland x imagine #tom holland x reader imagine #tom holland x reader imagines #reader x tom holland imagines

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jesatria · 5 years

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Jenna Reads Fire & Blood Part 1: Aegon the Burninator

New Jenna Reads series! I’ve been an Asoiaf mood lately for the first time in a while & got myself a copy of Fire & Blood. The plan is 1 post for each King, though I may deviate from this format for events such as the Dance of the Dragons.

So, let’s get things started with the OG Targ himself, Aegon the Conqueror.

-Bit of background about Daenys the Dreamer convincing her father to move the family to Dragonstone. Other Valyrian houses laughed at them, but they got the last laugh when they were the only dragonlords to survive the Doom. Also, Balerion was actually born in Valyria!

-Aegon marrying both his sisters was unusual, but not unprecedented. Normally he would’ve just married Visenya, but he clearly preferred Rhaenys to her, which is why he decided to marry her as well.

-Curiously no motive is given for Aegon’s conquest. GRRM specifically mentions that beforehand the Targs had traditionally been much more concerned w/ Essos than with Westeros. Aegon had even fought against Volantis during the Century of Blood. No explanation as to why he suddenly became interested in Westeros. IMO he read the PWWP prophecy (one of Daenys the Dreamer’s prophecies, perhaps?) & realized if the PWWP was gonna be born from his family, they needed to get into position to be able to save Westeros. & it’s not like future Targs weren’t obsessed with that prophecy!

-Then, everything changed when the Targs attacked!

-Despite being the Conqueror, Aegon didn’t bring all of the 7 Kingdoms to heel by battlefield conquest. Having the in-universe equivalent of WMDs sure helps convince people to bend the knee to you though.

-Sorry, but all of the kings who thought they could stand against FUCKING DRAGONS on the battlefield are just too dumb to live. What part of he has 3 dragons & he’s not afraid to use them was lost on you, exactly? They should’ve taken the hint after Aegon melted Harrenhal but nope. Special mention goes to King Mern & King Loren here--at this point Aegon had already defeated Harren the Black & Argilac the Arrogant & people saw what the dragons could do. WTF did you guys would think would happen? Props to Torrhen Stark for being like, “Lol nope no way am I facing that on the battlefield.”

-& then there’s the Dornish. The Dornish go hard AF & have no chill. Rhaenys shows up in Sunspear demanding the Martells bend the knee, & Princess Meria, despite being really old & blind, basically says come at me, bro. Rhaenys threatens her w/ fire & blood, & she’s like:

-The Dornish wouldn’t submit to Aegon, but they weren’t going to obligingly mass their forces into a huge army he could roast on the battlefield either. Instead they used guerilla tactics where they basically hid from the dragons when they came. They burned the crops & poisoned the wells when Aegon tried to invade & harassed his troops in the mountains. Meanwhile the Dornish abandoned their castles & hid. Aegon took the castles & was like, “Haha I conquered Dorne” & then left after putting his people in charge. Once he was gone the Dornish rose up to kill everyone he left behind. Meria personally threw the castellan Aegon left in charge of Sunspear out of the top of the Spear Tower. Aegon & his sisters retaliated by burning a bunch of Dornish castles, which prompted the Dornish to launch attacks across the border. They even marched on Oldtown, though they didn’t take it.

-The Dornish are so hardcore they killed a dragon. I think Nymeria would be proud. She led her people on a really dangerous journey to find a place of safety & then the Valyrians show up w/ their bullshit again. Fuck that. The defenders at the Hellholt took down Meraxes w/ a scorpion bolt through the eye. I love this--it’s actually been my headcanon for a while that the Dornish managed to kill either Vhagar or Meraxes while resisting Aegon’s conquest. Rhaenys died in Dorne too, though the exact circumstances of her death are unknown.

-The fighting continued for a while, w/ much of Dorne in bad shape from being repeatedly burned by Aegon. After Meria died, her son Prince Nymor had enough of war & decided to sue for peace. Peace, but not surrender. He is a Martell, after all. He sent his daughter Deria to KL w/ a message for Aegon. It’s unknown what was in the letter he sent, but whatever it was he convinced Aegon to accept peace terms. I like the idea that he threatened to hire a Faceless Man to kill Prince Aenys--that’s exactly the sort of thing the Dornish might do, considering how they’re ok w/ using poison.

-It might’ve cost them a lot, but the Dornish kept their independence. Meria did what all the kings of Westeros failed to do. Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken, motherfuckers.

-Aegon’s sisters held a lot of political influence. This is probably a holdover from Valyria, which seems to have been less sexist than Westeros. They had a policy of arranging betrothals between noble houses from different kingdoms in a bid to create greater unity.

-Aegon made a point of assimilating to Westerosi culture & was very deferential to the Faith. He also didn’t interfere much in the local laws of Westeros & kept the feudal structures in place. The difference was that there was no more fighting between the different kingdoms since they were now under his rule. He also frequently traveled around the realm on royal progresses. Good way to see the realm & also make sure your subjects won’t have the money to rebel against you if they have to pay to put up the whole royal entourage.

-Visenya created the Kingsguard out of concern of Aegon being assassinated.

-Aegon ended up reigning for almost 40 years, which is quite a healthy length of time.

-Which RL King is This Targ: William the Conqueror. Came over the sea to conquer a neighboring country, defeated the king in a famous battle, established a new dynasty

#ASoIaF #fire & blood #house targaryen #jenna reads fire and blood #house martell #no fucks given

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philiie · 6 years

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Interactive Introverts London highlights

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD PROCEED AT YOUR OWN PERIL

This is also the most extra shit like I spent hours writing everything up lol

Go check out @danfanciesphil post here of the Brighton show which inspired me to do this :))

- When they first came it was the coolest thing ever. They were standing on the podium thing and the screen at the back lifted to reveal them in a cloud of smoke and they were silhouettes until the spotlight shined on them. Holy shit it was the best thing ever it doesn't even seem real.

- They were quite close to their apartment as well so Phil said they were considering bringing their sofa and "sitting in our browsing position".

- Dan mentioned how Phil's old videos from 2008 were very different from now (lots of audience approval) and how they were kind of really creepy and weird and honesty it probably isn't a good thing (I disagree but sure whatever). Phil talked about 'snokoplasm' and how it was literally just him rubbing slime over himself shirtless pretending to be futuristic (lots of audience approval for that lol) but he doesn't make videos like that anymore because he wants to make things that are actually entertaining and things he WANTS to make.

- Montage of everything they aren't gonna do in the show just so our expectations are levelled.

- They went backstage to get a silver box (Dan literally Naruto ran for no apparent reason) from which they were acting out the things using props from it in the centre while a voice narrated. In between each one the lights went darker so you could only see their silhouettes as they grabbed props. It was all very pantomime like which was really cool and theatrical.

- The things included: 24 hour livestream of them doing domestic home things (recording of dan on the toilet and Phil munching on crunchy nut appeared on the screen lmao), Erotic roleplay (Phil was in a policeman hat and had a baton thing while dan was in handcuffs. The recording of dan saying please be gentle, I have sensitive skin played), Stripping on stage... they started acting like they were going to actually take their tops off and they actually ripped them off to reveal an exact copy of the top underneath except Phil was now in a half sleeved shirt instead of full sleeved (I now understand Louise's joke)

- Phil stumbled and almost tripped on the step when going into the centre and was like "I almost forgot there was a step there" and was walking really strangely into the middle like elongating his legs after every time he lifted them and Dan made fun of it being like who tf walks like that. "Does anyone ever feel like Phil is actually an alien learning how humans work?" Later on in the show Phil says something about removing his lizard face and Dan says THAT would explain the weird walking. He also imitates Phil going up into the centre and says "I'm doing a Phil walk" v v cute :))

- For the Dan vs Phil segment they talked about the electric shock machines and for each round the pointer moved up one level of electric shock. The first time it moved into the yellow area and Phil said "Finger in the yellow" which elicited a massive audience reaction and dan stopped and was like oh god and Phil was giggling in his 'oops shouldn't have said that' way, somehow he made that adorable.

- The first round was seeing how well they know each other and Dan made the comment saying "don't worry guys I'm Phil trash #1 and all"

- Phil's question was: What did Dan swap alcohol with in ISG10?

Phil answered green tea correctly but the electric shock sound effect came up anyways. Dan was like no you answered that correctly it should have been a ding but the ding didn't come up anyways (lol tech crew nice one)

- Dan expressed extreme discomfort with 'x rated lester' "in any interpretation"

- Dan's bad thing was 'spoilers' and he tried to say that it's better to not be surprised. (I'm pretty sure this is the bit where he said "otherwise I'd be like 'Phil... Phil I don't feel so good'" reaching his arm out to him (infinity war reference for those who don't know,,, I could have killed him in that moment can he not) "Too soon? Yeah probably too soon."

- Phil's good thing that he had to make bad "getting unlimited money" Dan found that hilarious. His way of making it bad was that it gives you too much power- he would strap two planes together and stand on top of and ride them which would probably make them explode.

- They used the Isle of Man pic of Dan for the Dan, Phil or a rat segment (you guys know the one where he's smiling super happy) that just made me feel very warm :)

- The picture for Dan was just a really pale cream colour and Dan made the joke that it might be translucent enough to be Phil's skin but he said no I bet it's a troll and guessed rat. Turns out Dan was right and it actually was Phil's skin lmao from the picture of Phil with the silver hair dye.

- When Dan got electrocuted he fully hit his shin on one of the benches and basically died on stage. He fully snorted and turned away in shame and pain and it was the most hilarious thing ever. "Who designed this stupid set" LMAO

- Phil asks us to clap on the count of 3 after which some people immediately clap and Dan's like omg no on the count of 3. But then people start clapping for the people that clapped "are you seriously clapping for the people that just clapped" and then basically everyone started clapping and oh my gosh it was the best moment ever I've never felt more collectively part of something in that moment it was so funny and Dan looked so done with us all. A great moment.

- Someone asked in the getting deep part that there's a guy she likes but all she does is makes vine references. Phil's response to that is if he doesn't appreciate your vine references he's not worth it. Dan: "there's your dating advice from Phil"

- Phil was cleaning in 'Dan's' room (dan says "like you've ever done a chore") Phil's indignantly says he vacuums doing the hand movement. Apparently he found 'something weird' under 'Dan's' bed so he brought out a silver box that was locked saying it was heavy and handed it to Dan. [yes I'm putting that all in quotation marks fight me]

- He wanted the audience to guess what they thought was inside the box and the things that people said were: A single piece of Phil's hair, A fursuit and a Dildo(ll) rip they kept emphasising DOLL it was too funny nice one whoever that was lmao

- Phil was asking the audience if anyone had a key to open the box and Nora (what a legend) threw some plastic keys onto the stage and Phil fully tried to unlock the box using them lmao what a cutie. When Dan came back with the actual key Phil was like someone had plastic keys and dan was like wtf it was too funny.

- Do you really know Dan and Phil? 1% of people said 'who are Dan and Phil?' Lol they wouldn't stop bringing that up. 47% (?) of people said they don't really know Dan and Phil and Dan was like wow Phil why are you so shady? (He said this twice in the show when addressing the idea that their personalities are different online)

- They did a pie chart to show fave video series which apparently they were really excited about seeing as they hyped that up for a solid 2 minutes,,, "90% of the budget of the show was for this pie chart"

- Dan got sacrificed attached to the wheel of death comes out yelling with no warning so everyone is just screaming because it was so unexpected so i couldn't actually hear anything he said but the basic gist of it was fuck you all lmao.

- When Phil tried hitting him with a slinky it was a couple inches away from "the danger zone" I.e. Dan's crotch. Phil repeats the phrase danger zone two more times after that lmao.

- Dan says "almost hit my balls" w o w.

- The last time is some massive intense bazooka that Phil started stroking and then dan was like "stop stroking it- especially with those gloves on".

- Phil hits him the last time with the bazooka literally almost at his crotch and Dan screams. They say how it's all our fault and that we should feel bad. Phil is like "I don't think they feel guilty" lol I mean he's not wrong

- At the end dan was like "Phil help unstrap me" clearly looking for Phil to unstrap him around the waist but Phil went for his feet instead lmao (Dan just wanted a reaction from us Phil lmao well done). Phil finally got the memo though and helped and then dan stumbled out being like okay get away from me don't touch me and Phil just giggled.

- The white protection suit lab coat thing got stuck on dans shoe so he was hopping around and Phil was like do you need a hand there and Dan said "no Phil I don't need your help to get me undressed" and everyone screamed and Dan was like okay okay shut up (idk if that was an intentional line or not I couldn't actually tell but... nice)

- Phil's diss track happened and if you're reading this you've probably seen a transcript of it already but damn hearing him say bitch live was the best thing ever lmao. Also when he said the line about not wanting to get demonetised he did the making it rain hand gesture (thanks anon) which was hilarious

- There was a point where Dan was like no Phil you can't swear on stage and Phil was like aw why not I wanted to say "what the (fuck)" mouthing it and that's more than I could have ever hoped for

- They did the song and it was v cute and got stuck in my head. When Phil got up and sat on the piano he was swaying one leg back and forth and it was adorable.

- They ended the show bowing and went back behind the black screen that they came out from and were waving the whole way through and Phil was bending down to wave as the screen was going down and it was v lovely :))

And then I died the end.

#phan #dan and phil #interactive introverts #ii spoilers #phandom #shut up sadiyah #100 #200 #300 #400 #500 #1k

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blaurascon-kzk · 5 years

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KZK Discord Digest [Week of July 5 - July 11]

SUMMARY July's coloring page is up now! Featuring a young Thel and two Will-o-Drakes (they are really that smol!) http://bit.ly/kzk-color-pages The coloring pages now have a printer-friendly version. Feel free to print them out, and share with us what you make! We'd love to see em! Kat's doing pretty well in Virginia now, currently working on applying for an apartment for just him and April. Phase 2 voting is done - Canid (Extinct / Other) and Eastern Dragon were the winners! Phase 2A will narrow down Extinct / Other Canids before we move on to the design phase. (Extinct / Other includes Hyenas, Thylacines, Aardwolves, (yes we know these aren't technically canids, sry, but for a design purpose, they look canid-y we're putting them here) as well as some extinct / prehistoric canine / canids that will be decided on soon. Keep an eye out for the upcoming poll!!) Kat is working on sizes for the Direwolf plushy, and there will be a Giant size, per popular request. Given the Direwolf plushies are extremely late, we will be doing something different with them: Preorder people will get them for free, along with 2 skins to match the planned Hellhound and Frostborn preorder skins for the main av. People who did not preorder will be able to buy the Posed Plush / Plush Av pack for 800L for a short time. We will announce when these are available!

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July 7

KatLast Sunday at 9:57 AM @everyone I know progress has been slow going as of late but Its progress! Its been over a week, almost 2 I think, since getting here. I don't remember. Time has been flying by. But even amidst all the insanity here (my roommates are avid Pokemon go players, and they often have friends coming over to visit so it gets pretty rowdy in here), I've often found the motivation I've been looking for to keep working on things, even if its taking longer than I'd like with distractions. Slow progress is better than no progress at all, so I'll take it.

That said, I've finally gotten July's coloring page done! Please forgive the lateness! This one had a lot of elements that had to interlock and get along. This month's scene features a curious young Thel combing through the foliage of a jungle only to stumble onto a pair of Will O Drakes foraging for nectar. Yes they're really that small! https://drive.google.com/open?id=1PfjTfO0M2a47arowNzhXD7MWxEDeNfgI <--Folder link with all coloring pages available as multi layer downloads!

I hope you all enjoy, and remember, if you do color them in, PLEASE show me, either here in #art-projects-share or on twitter at my handle: DarkEcoKat. :heart: @everyone Also an update on just. my overall emotional state. I've whinged a lot about my problems, said that moving with fix all of them, and while that remains to be seen, the new scenery, social activity, and just general forward momentum from the move has done wonders. Other than a tiny bit of anxiety on the 4th (went to a friends' aunts' house for the day, and it was a tiny 2 story rambler with like.. 35 people, too many in a small space @-@) I've been feeling really good. My 'desk' is next to a big set of patio doors so I'm always watching wildlife come and go--Birds, lizards, squirrels, and even the odd Rabbit. And at night I get to watch lightning bugs. Too many fucking spiders tho.

Either way.. none of this would've been possible without you guys. I'm serious. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Your generosity and unwavering support means the world to me <3

Also I know i've yet to finalize current voting on the next phase of the Community Kreeture project, Like I said its been insane here! haha

KatLast Sunday at 10:37 AM @everyone Apologies for the spam, but one last thing to say!

The winning votes of Phase 2 of the KCK project is Extinct/Other, and Eastern Dragon! Phase 2A will be to narrow down 'Other/Extinct' before we start moving on to the design phase.

Direwolf plush: Since it was intended to be a preorder bonus, preorders will get it free of charge, AND 2 exclusive skins that will match the Hellhound and Frostborn skins that have been planned for the main avatar. The plush versions of those skins will not be made available otherwise. Anyone who didn't preorder will be able to buy the Posed plush/Plush av pack for 800L for a limited time.

I came up with this compromise since its been an eternity since all of this was initially announced (like 9 months ago wtf), and this seemed like a good way of honoring/appreciating preorders, and giving non preorders a chance to pick up the plush/avatar pack.

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July 9

KatLast Tuesday at 11:03 AM @everyone Hey folks, I made a minor change to the Gdocs folder that holds the coloring pages, to include quick, easy PRINTABLE versions! The direwolf one won't fit nicely on a page due to its ratio, but the others should all print up nice enough to be colorable. I also fixed a few of the files that were... regrettably missing my signature. If you've got those files, please download the newest versions and copy over the new signature layer to them(so as not to undo any progress). https://drive.google.com/open?id=1PfjTfO0M2a47arowNzhXD7MWxEDeNfgI

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July 10

KatYesterday at 11:25 AM @everyone I have the sudden impulse to make a 'Giant' Direwolf plush variant. :V Y or N? vote with reactions. :thumbsup: or :thumbsdown: (sadly cant make giants of the other plushies, i lost all the project files to the raptor plush when windows ate one of my HDDs several months ago)

(edit: i added both thumbs for easier voting lol) KatYesterday at 11:34 AM @everyone Today on discord, kayden asked a stupid question and got a really obvious answer, so yes I will be including a 'giant' direwolf plush with the av set. Can't give exact dimensions as I'm sorta just eyeballing it.

That said, i'm still gunna be slow on all fronts in the coming week or two--Patreon, update stuff, release stuff, ect, bc on a whim, I applied for a newly opened apartment complex recently. got preapproved, and the place gave me the option of providing a 'projected' income for 2019 since my previous tax returns don't reflect a stable enough income to facilitate the rent/income requirements. So yey, dealing with maybe moving 'permanently' soon. Will keep you posted.

Also exhausted from migrating all our belongings from the pods to our storage unit (cheaper than the pods rental), sooo tired @-@ Things have been going... alarmingly smoothly since we got here. I'm so used to doors being slammed in our faces. Im just waiting for shit to go pear shaped but it doesn't mean I'm not excited for the possibility of finally getting our own place where we can do our own thing again.

Wish us luck, and I'll keep you guys posted. Thank you all so much for your patience ;; You've all been so polite and patient and respectful and supportive and I dont deserve you guys TTTT____TTTT

#kzk-dd #kzk

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travllingbunny · 5 years

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The 100 rewatch: 1x06 His Sister’s Keeper

I’m a new fan of The 100, who first binged it last year, August to November. This is my first full rewatch of the show. I was planning to start it anyway and finish it before the season 6 premiere on April 30, and when I saw that Fox Serbia was airing a rerun (Monday to Friday, 40 min. after midnight, with repeats the next day), starting on 1st February, it was a great opportunity to start my rewatch in HDTV on my beautiful new TV. I decided to do write-ups and tag other fans on SpoilerTV website, as I did when I was first watching the show. But my posts turned into full blown essays. So, finally, after over a week, I’ve realized: Why don’t I post them on my Tumblr blog, too? I’ll copy my write-ups of the first 7 episodes, and then I’ll post my rewatch posts after I watch each episode. (The next one, 1x08, is on Monday’Tuesday.)

Spoilers below for all 5 seasons of the show. I go of on a tangents and make a lot of references to future events.

Rating: 8/10

Flashbacks to characters' past on the Ark are always one of my favorite things. i wish we'd get more of them. So far, IIRC, there's just been 3 episodes with flashbacks - 1x03, this one, and Join or Die in season 3. They really did a good job making both Bob and Marie look younger in the flashbacks. I do think that telling a 6 year old child it's his responsibility to take care of his sister is messed up, but on the other hand, what choice did Aurora Blake have? I can't judge her for it, since she was in a terrible situation, and it's the Ark system that's to blame for it all. And I've seen people hate on Aurora way too much. Some even go as far as to bring up that terrible "poor people should not have kids" argument, which is awful (classism, eugenics..). . (Another mini-rant upcoming) Speaking of weird things I've seen said in the fandom, I was really puzzled to learn that a lot of people did not realize Bellamy and Octavia have different fathers, and act like that's a big surprise, or that I've even seen people say that "the show never gave indication that they were half-siblings"?? WTF? The show never gave any indication that they were anything but half-siblings. For starters, I don't know why those two being full siblings would be anyone's default assumption, or why some people apparently think that women can't conceiving children with more than one man in their lifetime and that half-siblings are such a weird, rare and unheard of thing? But once you've seen this episode, the probability that they have the same father becomes microscopic. They're 6 years apart, there is no father in sight when Octavia is born, no one ever mentions a father, and Aurora is not in a regular relationship with anyone at the time Octavia is born. If Octavia's father died or was floated, it would have happened very recently, and they would have certainly mentioned it. In fact, I think that they would have definitely mentioned it if either of them knew they had a father who had been floated. I'm not sure what the deal was with Bellamy's father, whether Aurora had a serious relationship with him, whether he was around when Bellamy was very little and what happened to him (but even if he was in the picture at any point, he clearly couldn't have been around much, because Bellamy never mentions him), but in case of Octavia's father, he's clearly not in the picture and it's almost certain Octavia doesn't even know who he is. The two biggest revelations of the flashbacks were: that Octavia was discovered when Bellamy tried to let her have a life, for the first time, by taking her to see the Moon through the window and taking her to the dance to have fun and meet people; and that Shumway was the one who made Bellamy shoot Jaha in exchange for a place on the dropship. Not the greatest mystery The 100 has done - it was always going to be one of the few notable characters on the Ark, it was getting obvious it was not Kane, Diana hasn't even been introduced at this point, and the show never made the whole Jaha - Diana conflict remotely interesting or meaningful. Just how awful would have the lives of the Blake siblings been if they had spent their lives on the Ark? Octavia would have probably never met anyone other than her mother and her brother, never had a chance to have any kind of life except hiding. And Bellamy would have probably never had a real romantic relationship or a close friend (I always assumed he never had any of those on the Ark, because he kept people at a distance), never giving himself a chance to have a family of his own other than his sister, because of having to keep such a huge secret from everyone. Re: the Earth/present part of 1x06, it takes place fully on Earth (which was such a relief for me at the time, because at this point, I was sick of the Ark and hated pretty much every major character there other than Abby) and it's mostly about Bellamy taking a group of Delinquents (including Finn, who was asked to come as a tracker, and a bunch of kids who volunteered) to find Octavia, who was caught saved by Lincoln at the end of 1x05. One of the kids who volunteers is Jasper, the others include Bellamy's FwB Roma, John Mbege, some kid named Diggs, and Monroe (her first appearance). Three of those are redshits that end up killed by the Grounders. The rest almost meet the same fate, if Octavia hadn't asked Lincoln to help save her brother, so he used the signal horn to send a fake warning about the acid fog. which of course had the Grounders running away. I've seen a theory that Bellamy stopped sleeping around (minus that thing with Raven later in S1) because he felt guilty over Roma's death, because, as he says, she only joined the rescue party because of him. It may also be the turning point where he notably starts caring more about all of the Delinquents and not just his sister. As for the scenes with Lincoln and Octavia... eh. Lincoln will get much better writing and become one of my favorite characters in season 2, but in season 1, they were writing him really poorly. He was clearly meant to be mysterious and give the wrong first impression as a scary dangerous dude, which is why he doesn't talk until the very end of 1x07. But that doesn't actually make sense - there's no reason whatsoever, if he's already helping Octavia and doing things not sanctioned by the other Grounders, that he couldn't just talk to her and explain the situation, rather than chaining her up in the cave after healing her. The B subplot is again the love triangle. Or to be fair, the development of the relationship between Clarke and Raven, which is not just about the love triangle. Clarke reveals the info about the shelter to Raven (which Finn is not happy about) and they go together to search for things Raven could use to fix the radio with and contact the Ark. They have a conversation about their mothers, too. Clarke is still very angry at her mother because she blames her for her father's death, but won't talk about it, while Raven thinks Abby is awesome and wishes she had a mother like that, comparing her to her own alcoholic, neglectful mothers. We also learn more about Finn's role in her life - they knew each other as children, and he was the neighborhood boy who was giving her things and helping her survive. Which is consistent with Finn's character - he's always focusing on the girl he's in love with, doing everything for her and doing everything to make sure she feels that she needs him.

Then Raven figures out that Clarke and Finn had hooked up, because she found the origami deer and she's smart, and confronts Clarke about it I don't like the way Raven is catty to Clarke here, as opposed to the fact that she later doesn't confront Finn about it (until much later, when she realizes he's in love with Clarke). I always hate it when women blame only the "other woman", but not their own boyfriend/husband who's the one who cheated. But, again, I love the fact that Clarke absolutely doesn't do the "catty and fighting for a guy" thing. Instead, she points out that she didn't know about Raven.,but also tries to smooth things between Raven and Finn by pointing out that they thought Raven and everyone on the Ark would soon be dead and they would never see them again. This is, however, way, way too generous to Finn, because he was flirting with Clarke already on the dropship and pursued her constantly from day one. But I'm not sure that Clarke is even fully aware of it. She may be thinking that he really wasn't planning on hooking up with her till that moment at the end of 1x04, when he lost hope in contacting the Ark. She has very little romantic experience, after all, and seemed too distracted by everything else happening around them, the fight for survival, trying to save Jasper, Wells' death, the drama with Charlotte etc. to even notice how much Finn was hitting on her. The same way that, in season 2, she was far too distracted by planning the war and worrying about Bellamy and the Delinquents at Mount Weather and didn't seem to notice Lexa giving her heart eyes, until Lexa surprised her by kissing her. She's really not the most attuned to these things. Raven\s remark that "he could have waited for more than 10 days" (yes, exactly) gives us the first explicit clue about the exact timeline. The painful Octavia/Bellamy confrontation at the end of the episode is one of the best dramatic moments on S1. It gets resolved at the end of S1, but now I can't help thinking that it's just the first of the many times throughout all 5 seasons where Octavia blames Bellamy for pretty much everything ever. I remember that Bellamy takes back what he said here in the S1 finale - telling Octavia his life didn't end when she was born, it began - but does Octavia take back any of what she said to him, blaming him for their mother's death and her imprisonment and all? I don't remember that, but I'll pay attention in 1x13.

Timeline and body count at the end of 1x06:

The first 6 episodes took place over 10 days. The first 3 episodes must have been something like a day, then there was a week between episodes 3 and 4, and 4--6 were about a day or two.

Body count:

at least 320 dead people on the Ark, 10 dead Delinquents on the ground: 2 killed in the crash landing (and due to their own stupidity), 3 (Trina, Pascal, Atom) killed by the acid fog (that is, the Mountain Men) - though technically Clarke mercy killed Atom, 2 killed by the Delinquents themselves (Wells - murdered by Charlotte, Charlotte - suicide, mostly sue to pressure from Murphy),, 3 killed by the Grounders (Doggs, Mbege, Roma). "The 100" are The 90 now. As of the start of season 6, they'll be The 4.

#The 100 #the 100 rewatch #the 100 1x06 #His Sister's Keeper #bellamy blake #octavia blake #clarke griffin #raven reyes #lincoln kom trikru #aurora blake

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danfanciesphil · 6 years

Text

Give Me A Try (New Chapter)

Gay Instagram Model/Bartender Phan AU Part 2

(Part One)

Also up on Ao3!

The Habenero bar is closed on Sundays, thank God.

The owner of the establishment is, surprisingly, a devout Catholic that believes in resting on the Sabbath. Dan is not all for this Catholic tradition (ignoring, for now, all the oppression and homophobia) because after Saturday night’s hell shifts, he’s usually in need of some recuperation.

He wakes up at 2pm on Sunday afternoon on his sofa in a shirt that doesn’t belong to him. His phone is stuck to his cheek, and there are crisp crumbs in his hair. There’s a fug of stale, smoky, sweat in the air, like the smell of the soaked dancefloor of the bar at the end of each night. Belatedly, Dan realises that he’s fallen asleep in what he was wearing when he got back last night, meaning that he’s still soaked in alcohol.

Grimacing at his own grossness, Dan hauls himself up from the sofa and staggers into the bathroom to shower. It’s only as he peers up at his reflection in the mirror above the sink that he remembers the shirt. At first, it confuses him, as it’s far too nice of a garment to be his. It’s clearly fitted, tailored probably, with a subtly cinched waist, and neat, complex stitching around the hem and sleeves.

He peers closer at his reflection to read the little label on the pocket.

Givenchy

Dan jumps backwards, hands held aloft as if he’s about to mark the thing with his grubby paws. He needs to get this thing off him right now, it’s far too expensive to be on his body. How had he let himself fall asleep in this last night? It’s probably all crumpled, he’ll have to get it dry cleaned-

His phone buzzes in his pocket, and he scrambles for it, heart pounding as he catches sight again of his snappily dressed reflection. It’s a text from Tyler, the last of several by the looks of things. He swipes to view them.

From: Tyler omg CANNOT believe what happened last night

From: Tyler can we get brunch today?? lots to discuss..

From: Tyler hellooo?? earth to dan?

From: Tyler did u die from overstimulation of the brain after giving ur all time celeb crush ur fREAKING NUMBER

From: Tyler message me when ur awake bitch x

The blood drains from Dan’s face as he reads through the messages, all of which confirm that the events of last night weren’t a dream, and that, yes, Phil Lester did saunter into the bar, flirt with him, and hand over his designer shirt so that Dan wouldn’t have to finish work in a soaked one.

Not knowing how to respond to Tyler, Dan chooses to just ignore it for now. He places the phone down and begins carefully unbuttoning the shirt, fingers practically trembling when he thinks of how expensive it would be if he were to accidentally rip a button off. As his fingers open the lapels, his mind flashes up a helpful image of Phil doing the exact same in front of him last night, his methodical, pale fingers working to reveal his bare chest inch by inch, right in the middle of the god damn bar.

Dan’s face flames, and he tries hard to think of something else. Once the shirt is off, he folds it as carefully as he can and places it on the counter beside the sink. He then shucks off his beer-soaked jeans, which do not get anywhere near the same treatment, and jumps into the shower.

It’s only as the warm, comforting stream of water cascades over him that Dan’s frantic mind relaxes enough to slip back into the memory of the previous evening, and all that transpired. Phil Lester. Right there before him.

The slow, flirtatious smile spreading across his broad, full lips. The familiar sweep of his jet black hair. The pulse of his glinting blue eyes in the swirl of coloured lights.

‘I got distracted by the cute bartender, and forgot to order him another one...’

‘I could save you as cute bartender when you text me...’

Cute. Phil had called him cute. Twice.

The water seems scalding hot, suddenly. Dan’s body temperature rises by at least two degrees, he’s sure. He swallows down some saliva, and runs his hands through his wet curls. How on earth had any of this happened? Situations like this are so unlikely that they’re almost never heard of.

He feels how he imagines Katie Holmes must have felt when Tom Cruise sidled up to her, all flirtatious smiles and pick-up lines, after she’d been staring at his poster for all her childhood, tacked onto her bedroom wall.

Again, the thick, treacly gaze Phil cast across to him over the bar seeps into Dan’s mind. The memory of it covers Dan's whole body, as if it were pouring out of the shower head, slathering him in its intensity. The amount of time Dan has spent staring into those eyes on his phone screen is insurmountable, but having experienced them in real life, he now knows that he may as well not have bothered. Those eyes will haunt him for the rest of time.

He feels the familiar scratch of arousal start to drag at his thighs, tingling at the tips of his fingers, so he turns the temperature down, trying to divert it. Now that he’s spoken with Phil, so recently, it would seem odd to jerk off to the thought of him.

...Not that AmazingPhil is anything like a stranger in Dan’s mental storage of wanking material.

It’s just as Dan is rinsing the shampoo out of his hair that he remembers the one, tiny hiccup in the exchange with his crush. Phil had stolen Dan’s phone to type in his number, and had seen that Dan had been stalking his Instagram.

As he freezes, remembering this mortifying scene, the shampoo trickles down into Dan’s eyes, blinding him.

“Fuck!” Dan shouts, loud enough that he’s sure the neighbours heard.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Tyler shovels a slice of avocado toast into his mouth. He chews a bit, noisily, then continues speaking with his mouth full. “I trawl the billions of nasty vintage shops in the Laines for a designer shirt, and you get one handed to you for free?! And by a dazzling, incredibly hot model? Hand over your fucking magic lamp, Dan. Some of us need it more than others.”

Dan watches with a slightly downturned mouth as Tyler talks around his mouthful of food. “Err, I think I was due some good luck, actually.”

Tyler looks like he’s about to argue, but then shuts his mouth, staring down at his plate in reluctant acceptance. “Yeah, okay, true. But still. Can I at least touch it?”

Dan shakes his head, drawing the bag containing the shirt closer to his side of the table. He’s taking it to the local dry cleaning company after this, as well as giving the staff there a long, terrifying warning that if they do so much as snag a stitch, there will be hell to pay.

“No way,” Dan replies. “You’ll nick the thing if I let you too close to it.”

Tyler sighs. “You know me too well.” He bites his lip, staring longingly at the bag, and sighs again. “So, when is Mister Delavigne retrieving his garment?”

Dan shrugs, poking at the poached egg on his plate with a fork. He has no idea why he ordered this, he doesn’t really eat eggs. But brunch is such a specific meal, he feels like he needs to order something aesthetically ‘brunch-like’.

“Wait, you mean you haven’t set up a time to give it back to him yet?” Tyler asks, horrified.

“It hasn’t even been a day,” Dan says. “Besides, he said he might stop in on Thursday for Bingo-”

“No no no!” Tyler cries, sounding scandalised. “Dan, are you this clueless? The man gave you his number!”

Dan’s cheeks heat, remembering the incident that occurred during this scenario. “Yeah, to text him about getting the shirt back.”

Tyler rolls his eyes. “No, you nonce, the shirt is irrelevant! It’s an excuse for you to get in touch with him.”

This time, Dan rolls his eyes. “Don’t be stupid. It’s a fucking designer shirt, he just wants to make sure he’ll get it back.”

“He was flirting with you!”

“He’s a flirty guy. Trust me, I know everything about him. I’m like... a big fan.”

A sigh of pity gusts across the table towards him. Tyler places a hand atop his, and leans forwards. “Dan, listen to me. Text that hunk of delicious, geek-chic muscle, and watch how he responds. I guarantee he will try and flirt more.”

“I guarantee he will just say he wants his shirt back.”

Tyler smirks. “You’re on, dumbo.”

It takes Dan two and a half beers to summon the courage to text Phil. He spends Sunday evening scrolling through the photos on the AmazingPhil Instagram page, studying each one in great detail so that he can remember each minute feature of Phil’s perfect, Adonis-like face.

He’s had the text message screen up for some time, the word ‘Phil’ at the top where he’d saved his number, as if he were just any ‘Phil’, rather than the Amazing Phil that has haunted Dan’s daydreams ever since he first stumbled on a photo of him years prior.

For maybe the sixth time that night, Dan types out a potential message.

From: Dan To: Phil Hey, this is Dan from Habeneros bar. I have your shirt. Would you like me to send it back to you?

He doesn’t send it yet. Instead, he copies the message, and pastes it into his chat with Tyler. The response is practically instantaneous. Dan wonders, not for the first time, if Tyler actually has any semblance of a life outside of the bar.

From: Tyler To: Dan wtf is that shit????

From: Tyler To: Dan r u trying to turn him off

From: Dan To: Tyler ?? what do u mean

From: Tyler To: Dan u sound like a bot

From: Dan To: Tyler im being polite!!!

From: Tyler To: Dan polite is not going to get you in his pants

Instantly, Dan’s cheeks catch aflame, and he feels his heart squeeze. Even the idea of such a thing is too much for Dan’s poor, wrung out brain to comprehend. He could never, in a billion years, be that lucky. After last night, where one of the most absurd of his sexual fantasies came true - Phil stripping off in front of him in public - he’s sure his luck has run dry.

From: Dan To: Tyler shut up. tell me what to say then

From: Tyler To: Dan ‘hey sexy, still shirtless? i live nearby if u want some help with that...’

Dan splutters and chokes on his beer.

From: Dan To: Tyler NO!!

From: Tyler To: Dan fine fine. prude. how about...

Teeth gritted as he wills his heart rate to settle back into a reasonable rhythm, Dan waits for Tyler’s next message. His fingernails tap on the edge of his beer bottle. Trit, trit, trit.

From: Tyler To: Dan ‘hey! not sure if u remember me but u heroically clothed me in ur Givenchy at a bar on Sat. the lanky bartender covered in blue sugary liquid? i know, i know, super hot. anyway :’) i have your shirt. you should swing by the bar again! or i can send it back. up to you dude! but bingo nights are off the fuckin chain js. let me know :) x’

Dan reads the message through, only cringing slightly. Honestly, he was sure it would be way worse. It’s actually kind of funny, and weirdly sounds like him. Tyler has clearly been subjected to Dan’s lame sense of humour for far too long.

Without thinking, Dan drains the rest of his beer, copies the message Tyler gave him, and pastes it into the text box he’s opened with Phil. He presses send before his alcohol laced mind can catch up, wanting to be rid of this conundrum.

From: Dan To: Tyler ok, sent it.

From: Tyler To: Dan omg what :O

From: Tyler To: Dan did you really?? :’’’D

From: Tyler To: Dan i thought you’d want to edit it a bit first!! wow ok looool

From: Dan To: Tyler dont say that! you’ll make me anxious

From: Dan To: Tyler besides you made it sound like me its fine

From: Tyler To: Dan uh huh... let me know what he says :’D

From: Dan To: Tyler i fucking hate u

From: Tyler To: Dan xxx

The corner of Dan’s mouth quirks traitorously. His relationship with Tyler is complicated. Never before has he been able to hate someone and love them at the same time. Just as he’s about to pocket the phone again, it buzzes in his hand. He glances at the screen to see that Phil has - oh, God - already texted him back.

He almost drops the damn thing.

From: Phil To: Dan hey dan! yeah of course i remember you ;D surprisingly i dont strip off in the middle of a bar that often. or for just anyone ;) omg id forgotten about bingo!! super excited. i’ll be there! what time should i swing by? xx

His hand grows clammy, and he can feel his heart picking up speed. It’s mental that just reading Phil’s words can have him so agitated. He wonders if Phil has already saved his name into his phone. Probably not. Dan’s still a complete stranger, just one that happens to have a very expensive item of his clothing.

From: Dan To: Phil awesome. you wont be disappointed! bingo starts at 7 on thursdays :) ur shirt and i will see you there! x

Dan dithers about the kiss. He deletes it and retypes it three times, wondering what sort of message it transforms into when it’s added. In the end, after careful analysis of Phil��s initial message (in which there are not one, but two kisses attached) he decides to leave it on.

Dan more or less expects that to be the end of the conversation, and he breathes a sigh of relief as the text swoops out of his control, but the sight of the three pulsating dots on the left bottom corner of his screen stop him from closing the text window.

He waits, heart palpitating, for Phil’s reply.

From: Phil To: Dan are u feeding her well? i hope ur taking her for a walk twice a day. tell her i love and miss her, and will see her soon. xx

Dan snorts with laughter, realising that Phil is referring to the shirt.

From: Dan To: Phil she just pooped on my carpet :/ buttons everywhere x

From: Phil To: Dan :o so sorry. will be sure to give her no treats when i get her back xx

From: Dan To: Phil what kind of treats does she like? x

From: Phil To: Dan moth balls, tide pods... she’s fussy :/ xx

Dan’s sniggers into his jumper sleeve, eyes crinkling at Phil’s silly responses. Is this flirting, he wonders? Could Tyler have been right about this?

From: Phil To: Dan gotta run! im sitting in makeup for a shoot and they just finished prettifying me :’D see u thurs ;) xx

‘You’re already pretty’ is Dan’s instant thought for a response, but he deletes it as soon as his fingers begin typing the words. He shakes his head at himself, berating his brain for being so gooey and idiotic.

From: Dan To: Phil cool :) see u! x

Much more appropriate, Dan thinks, then locks his phone. It hits him like a freight train as he sits on the edge of his bed, blank phone in hand, that he just arranged a follow up meeting with AmazingPhil.

He remains perfectly still, sure that the second he moves, the impact of what he’s just done will send him into a full blown panic attack. He invited Phil to Bingo night of all nights.

He drops his head into his hands, groaning. As he looks up through the slats between his fingers, he notices the Givenchy shirt, hanging proudly on the door of his wardrobe.

“This is all your fault,” Dan tells it. It doesn’t respond.

Bingo nights are one of the Habenero bar’s busiest. Tyler first came up with the idea around two years ago, being a self-declared Bingo-hoe, but filled with criticism of Brighton’s few and far between Bingo events.

“Bingo should be about booze, glitter, and loud, obnoxious screaming,” Tyler used to say. “Brighton needs to up its Bingo game.”

Finally, after months of pleading to Habenero's owner, Tyler managed to wrangle an opportunity to host an experimental Bingo evening, run on his terms. He spared no expense of the meagre budget he was permitted, and created Brighton's, and maybe the world's, first Gay Rave Bingo Extravaganza.

There are several rounds to the game. The first is the ‘classic’ round, to get everyone into the swing of things. Players are in teams of up to five, they get a Bingo board between them with a selection of random numbers. Tyler, the charismatic host, hops up on the stage to crack a few jokes and welcome everyone. He then goes back to serve drinks whilst Dan calls out the numbers.

Teams receive ten points per round if they win, five if they come second, one if they come third.

The following rounds get a little... messier. There’s a ‘drag race’ round, where new boards are handed out, and photos of the RuPaul’s Drag Race contestants are projected onto a screen. Players must correctly identify the contestants in order to be able to cross them all off on their boards.

This is followed by Dan’s favourite, the ‘closet smash’ round, where clips of famous ‘gay’ scenes from movies, TV shows, webseries’ or any other kind of media are shown on mute, and players must cross the unheard lines of dialogue off on their board.

There’s a ‘guess the ballad’ round, where LGBT+ friendly songs are played that must be guessed, and finally one last round of just numbers, this time while everyone is significantly more drunk (drinking a sip or a shot each time a correct answer is guessed is highly encouraged, but not necessarily advised by the bar staff, due to the lawsuit that could ensue) and there are loud, booming Madonna hits playing.

The team with the most points at the end of the night gets a £50 bar tab, along with a shower of glitter, confetti and applause. The losing team has to forfeit.

Phil arrives in the nick of time, flanked by one intimidatingly attractive man, and a slightly older straight couple. Dan spots them straight away, and hops down from the stage, pink-cheeked, as Tyler continues welcoming the various patrons that have shown up.

There is no shortage of teams this evening. Dan sincerely hopes Phil is prepared for what’s about to unfold here, although if he has ever been to a different Bingo night, he probably has a very different idea of what to expect. As Dan approaches, he can see the flicker of surprise that is so often found on first-timers' faces, flickering across Phil's gorgeous features.

“Hey,” Dan manages, heart already clawing itself up his throat.

Phil turns to him, a bright smile sweeping across his face at once. “Dan!”

A bright, white flash of electricity shoots down Dan’s spine; hearing his name on Phil’s lips is a little too much to handle, at present. He manages not to swoon on the spot, just.

“You made it!”

“Of course!” Phil grins. “How could I resist Bingo night?”

Dan smiles, melting under the pleasant, crackling campfire of Phil's warm greeting. Tonight, Phil is wearing contacts, and his eyes seem even bluer than they had the first time. As he stares into them, Dan thinks he can spot glimmers of gold, of violet, of lime.

“Not sure this is quite the sort of Bingo night I pictured when you dragged me here, Phil,” the attractive man on Phil’s left says, breaking Dan out of his trance.

Phil laughs, nodding in agreement. "Me neither. But I'm excited. This is PJ by the way, Dan." Phil jabs a thumb at the man. "And this is my brother, Martyn, and his girlfriend, Cornelia."

Biting back a stab of jealousy, Dan shakes waves to each of them, ending on PJ, for whom he finds himself needing to bite back a stab of jealousy. How many attractive men does Phil just cart around with him, day to day?

"Oh don't get me wrong, Dan, I'm excited too," PJ says. "Anything glittery brings out the craft-wizard in me."

"Sophie's going to be so pissed that she missed this," Phil says, eyes still sweeping around the gaudily decorated bar. Tyler spares no expense for Bingo nights. Everything is covered in banners, in balloons, in... glitter. Lots and lots of glitter. It's a nightmare to clean up at the end of the night, every time.

"Not sure it's acceptable to have two straight couples in a gay bar," PJ mutters in response.

Ah, Dan notes, his jealous monster retracting its claws. PJ is perhaps not as much of a threat as he'd thought. Not that there's anything about Dan which would need threatening. His chances with someone like Phil are laughably non-existent, whether or not Phil's handsome friends are straight.

"Oh, you're all very welcome," Dan assures PJ. "Bingo is a non-discriminatory sport."

"Sport?" Martyn asks, looking a little more on the concerned side than some of the others.

Dan chuckles. "Yeah, uh, our take on Bingo is a bit more... energetic, than you might be used to."

Phil raises a perfectly arched eyebrow, obviously intrigued. Dan just smiles back enigmatically. “So, do you have a spare table for us?”

“Hmm, we might,” Dan says, trying with all his might to look nonchalant as he sweeps a vague gaze across the room.

By no means can Phil know that Dan has spent the last two hours in which he and his co-workers set up being relentlessly teased for insisting on saving the best table for AmazingPhil. He'd gotten to work early, in fact, and reserved Phil the table right near the front, not too close to the speakers, but with a fantastic view of the ball cage and the screen.

As breezily as he can, Dan leads Phil and his friends to this table, and gets them seated with pens, a Bingo board, and some drinks menus. It’s at this moment that Tyler, who has been buffeting the audience about on the breeze of his easy, clever humour, decides to introduce him.

“And this yummy little twink over here is Dan,” Tyler says into the mic he’s holding. He gestures down at where Dan hovers, near to Phil’s table. The audience all turn to him, spreading a warm, gradual blush over his cheeks. “Dan will be fondling all your balls this evening, so do please keep an eye on him. Tip him well, ladies. Fellas. Folks in between.”

The audience laugh heartily, including all of Phil's table, so Dan just glares at Tyler, then scurries onto the stage in preparation for the first round. As he draws the first few numbers from the ball cage, Tyler wanders through the tables, taking drinks orders and greeting some regulars. Dan watches him hawkishly as he goes, hardly concentrating as he calls out the numbers. Eventually, Tyler saunters over to Phil's table, which is a frightening thing to behold. Dan stutters as he calls out the number in his hand, too intent on trying to lip-read Tyler's words as he converses with Phil and his friends.

Whatever Tyler is saying seems to be making Phil laugh, which is hardly a good sign.

After a minute or so, Tyler moves away, and Dan relaxes into his routine, cracking jokes each time a vaguely sexual number is called out - everyone loses their goddamn shit as usual when he reads out 69 - and things pass without issue. He keeps an eye on Phil's table as subtly as he can, and from what he can make out, the four of them seem to be having a good time.

It catches Dan off guard when a table near the back shout out "Bingo!", distracted as he is by Phil's presence tonight. He blinks at the winning table for a moment before remembering his duty, and calls them up on stage to check their board.

"Alright, winner of the first round, table 22!"

"Our team name is actually Cougar Chasers," one glittery young man informs him.

Dan just smiles awkwardly, not wanting to explain that team names have never been part of the Bingo rules. As the team leave the stage, Dan glances back down towards Phil's table just in time to see Phil mouth "this round?" to PJ.

He smirks to himself, wondering how the infamous AmazingPhil will cope under the intensity of the next few hours.

Phil does not cope well.

His team struggles the most by a long way, which is perfectly normal for first time Bingo players at Habenero. They get some points, but only a few, and are often seen scribbling frantically, or having heated discussions amongst themselves, eyes wide, hands gesticulating, stirring the confetti that's gathered on the table.

Despite his poor performance, however, Phil seems to be enjoying his experience thoroughly. His glasses may be steamed from the dry ice Tyler pumps out in excess, and his clothes and hair might be smothered in an inch of glitter, but he's grinning widely, and is clearly trying his hardest. His forté seems to be the drag race round, for which his team actually manages to place second due to Phil's apparent extensive knowledge of the show.

He throws the board up in the air when he shouts "Bingo!", but unfortunately it's a fraction of a second too late, and another team snags first place.

At the end of the final round, it becomes clear to Dan, with a slow sense of dread, that Phil's team has lost. The losing team gets a forfeit, and it's almost always the same thing. Tyler swans over to the stage to announce the winners, and Dan falls back, eyeing Phil's table with a prickling fear.

"...so big round of applause once more for our winners, everyone!" Tyler shouts once he's announced everyone. The crowd cheer and whistle for the winning teams, who bow theatrically, blowing kisses to the audience. "Bring your sparkly asses up to the bar to claim your £50 worth of drinks. But, come on now folks. I know what you dramatic little hoes are really excited for." Tyler winks and they all laugh, cheering happily. "Our big losers tonight... I am most scintillated to announce, are..."

Dan bites his lip.

"Table 34! Otherwise known as our smoking celebrity presence this evening, Instagram's AmazingPhil," Tyler announces. "And friends."

Phil's eyebrows shoot up in unmistakeable shock. The crowd cheers, bewildering him and the others at the table even further. To Dan's surprise, Phil looks to him, questioningly, as if he's asking Dan to explain. Dan sends him a pitying glance, wondering if there's any way to warn Phil of what's about to happen. It's usually fairly pointless to try and stop Tyler, however. And besides, the idiot is already speaking again.

"So, I'm sure you all know by now what happens to our losing team each week," Tyler says, grinning down at them all. "Table thirty-four, please kindly follow me to the bar."

A loud 'whoop' of excitement resounds around the room, and there's a scrape of chairs as people hurry over towards the bar, wanting to secure the best spots for the spectacle about to unfold. Dan reluctantly begins climbing down from the stage as well, at which point he feels someone grab his arm. He turns, surprised to find himself face to face with Phil, and stumbles on his way down. Phil, who still has hold of his arm, manages to stop Dan from landing smack down on the sticky floor, hauling him upright.

Dan, mortified, stammers out some sort of thank you, much to Phil's amusement. "Don't worry," Phil tells him. "I surprised you, it's my fault. Though I have a feeling I'm not going to be feeling as chivalrous towards you in a few minutes."

Phil raises an eyebrow at him, still questioning, and Dan just attempts an enigmatic smile. He's so flustered that he's sure it comes off as more of a grimace, but at least he tries.

"Hey, mate, it's not my fault you suck at Bingo," Dan says, his daring comment scrounged up from a reserve of courage he wasn't aware existed. "The Habenero staff accept no responsibility for you not reading the rules of the event before participating."

Phil huffs a laugh, and releases him. "Perhaps a certain bartender should have given me a list of these rules before allowing me to sign up?"

Dan throws his hands up in front of him, already backing away from the conversation. "Hey, all the rules are listed on our website. Now, sir, if you would kindly step up to the bar to accept your forfeit."

Just as Dan is about to turn from him and sprint off, Phil steps forwards, penetrating Dan's personal bubble with his intimidating presence. Dan stops breathing instantly, caught in a sudden limbo as the world slows around him, the movements of the crowd crawling to a snail's pace, the pumping music becoming a distorted drawl. Phil leans towards him, a smirk on his lips, which he brings to Dan's ear.

"Kind of like it when you call me Sir."

He leans away, and the world falls back into its rhythm, the music blaring, the lights swirling in a cacophony of colour. Dan blinks, or so it seems, and Phil has moved from him, is back with his friends, headed for the bar. Dan lets out the breath he's been holding in a sudden rush, his lungs screaming with relief. He takes a moment to gather himself as best he can, heart palpitating wildly, and shakily makes his way over as well.

"So, Dan, tell me," Phil says, wiping his sodden fringe from his brow. "How is it that whenever I come within ten feet of you, I seem to have an overwhelming urge to remove my shirt?"

Dan, who is having a great deal of trouble averting his gaze from the miles of smooth, glittery skin covering Phil's bare chest, shrugs, mouth moving without making a noise. Phil is dripping wet, covered in beads of moisture, his damp shirt slung over one shoulder. He looks delicious, like a cold, dewy, fresh apple, just begging Dan to sink his teeth in. Just then, Tyler wanders over, placing two shots down on the bar between Dan and Phil.

"Don't worry, hot stuff," Tyler tells Phil, winking. "Dan's pretty, but his charms wear off eventually."

"I doubt that," Phil replies smoothly. Dan splutters, reddening. Phil glances down at the shots Tyler handed over, frowning. "What's this?"

"Thought you deserved a drink after all we put you through this evening," Tyler says. "And I thought Dan might like to join you."

Dan glares at Tyler, who just beams back, happily, before sauntering away. Shyly, Dan turns back to Phil, who has picked up the shot glass between his thumb and forefinger, and is rotating it in the space between them, gazing into the clear liquid.

"Sorry about him," Dan says, surprised that he's able to force the words out, croaky as they are. "And sorry about... y'know. Everything else."

Glancing over the rim of the shot glass, Phil grins, eyes crinkling. "Are you kidding? This is the best Bingo night I've ever been to."

"Even though we sprayed you and your friends with the soda hoses for losing?"

Phil nods. "Which means you must be an excellent Bingo host."

"I'm just the guy who reads the numbers," Dan says, dismissive.

He refuses to take credit for the Bingo nights. They're Tyler's baby, he just helps out.

"You clearly know your way around the balls," Phil jokes, winking as Dan splutters again. His cheeks feel like they're about to burst into flames, at this point.

"Hah, well..." Dan shifts awkwardly, adjusting his jeans - they have a tendency to slip down his hips without permission. "Good to know I have at least one talent, I guess."

"So, are you going to drink with me, Dan?"

Dan hesitates, looking down at the shot Tyler poured for him. The milky yellow colour suggests tequila, perhaps the strongest thing he could have given them. Dan has over an hour left of his shift still, and technically he's not supposed to ingest any alcohol whatsoever during working hours. However, that doesn't mean he never does. Customers buy him drinks all the time, and while he sometimes declines, or pretends to drink them... there have often been instances where he's given into temptation.

As he stares across the counter at his all time crush, shirtless and dripping from where he'd been sprayed with lemonade and soda water, Dan kind of gets the feeling that this is going to be one of the times where his resistance falls through.

Not trusting himself to speak, Dan just picks up the shot, and watches in quiet awe as Phil smiles, clinks his own against it, and throws it back, expertly. Caught on the tantalising bob of Phil's stubbled Adam's apple as he swallows the spirit, Dan almost forgets to drink his. He remembers just as Phil's eyes fall back to his, and downs it swiftly.

Purely to show off, Dan reaches below the bar to grab some lemon wedges, and hands one to Phil, blushing. "Here, it's practically blasphemous to do a tequila shot without a chaser."

"Well, I'm no stranger to sin," Phil says, but accepts the lemon anyway, grinning.

Dan bites into his lemon wedge, cursing himself internally when he realises how unattractive his face becomes as he does so. Luckily, Phil just chuckles, and does the same, wincing. "Ugh, that was awful. Tell your friend I said thanks."

Dan laughs. "I will."

"Well, I'd better get back to my friends," Phil says, scanning the immediate vicinity for them. "Not looking forward to another shirtless walk home though, I must admit. I got some... peculiar reactions from people last time."

"Sorry about that," Dan says, one hand reaching up to rub the back of his neck. "Oh, wait, what am I saying? I have your shirt from last time, you can wear that."

"Oh, right," Phil says, laughing to himself. "I completely forgot that's why I came tonight."

"Having too much fun, clearly," Dan jokes, already scooting out from behind the bar. "Come with me, I left it in the staff room."

Dan weaves through the thinning crowd of people. People tend to leave pretty quickly after Bingo night ends on Thursdays. He and Tyler will probably be able to close early tonight. Dan can feel Phil following behind, as if he's attuned to Phil Lester's movement, tapped into the heat of his body. He feels he'd be able to just sense if Phil was in a room, even if it was packed with people. Phil's presence pours out a specific, viscous aura, clogging Dan's pores, seeping into the workings of his brain and slowing them down, smearing a haze across his sight.

They reach the door of the staff room, marked 'private', and Dan pushes inside, heading straight for the lockers on the far wall. His skin prickles, sensing that Phil has followed him in here. It only now occurs to Dan how strange this might seem, luring Phil into an empty, secret room under the premise of returning him something. He decidedly does not turn around, instead choosing to fumble with his locker key in the door.

"I, uh, got it dry cleaned," Dan babbles, drawing the garment out of his locker. It's still on its hanger, as uncreased and pristine as Dan could manage. "I don't know if it was supposed to have any special treatment, but I told them to be extra careful-"

As Dan turns, he realises that Phil has moved extremely close. Neither of them hit the light switch, so the room remains dark, only lit dimly by the coloured lights pouring in through the ajar door. Dan can hear Phil breathe, can hear the thump of someone's heart - probably his own. He's pretty sure the song playing in the bar outside is Britney's 'Toxic', but he can't be sure. The sound of his own desperate, roiling desire is deafening.

"Thanks, Dan," Phil says softly, reaching for the shirt. "Wish I could've seen you in it." There's a pause; Dan can hear his own cells fizzing through his body. "Or not in it."

In that second, Dan is sure he's about to be kissed. Every sign is there: Phil inching closer, leaning in, the flutter of his eyes, as if they're about to fall shut. Dan tries to brace himself for it, to prepare his frantic brain for something so miraculous, so improbably, so utterly wild as being kissed by AmazingPhil-

The door swings open. Blinding, fluorescent light floods the room, and Phil steps backwards, cringing from it.

"Shit, sorry..." Lara says from the doorway. Her round, pretty face is filled with apologies. "My shift is over, Tyler said I could head home... fuck, did I interrupt-"

"Hey, it's okay," Phil says brightly, sending her a soft, reassuring smile. "Dan was just returning my shirt. I need to head home as well, anyway. Great night, guys! Thanks again for the shirt, Dan!"

In the next second, he's gone, and Dan, a mess of emotions, is somehow on the floor, back against the lockers, mind utterly blank. He vaguely notes, in the background, Lara jabbering at him, a thousand apologies falling from her lips.

For two agonising days, Dan hears nothing else. Aside from Tyler bringing the topic up every few milliseconds, Dan's life trundles on devoid of AmazingPhil. Even his Instagram is dry. The day after Bingo night, Phil posts an apology note on his Instagram story that reads:

overdid it at Bingo last night (dont laugh) - having a much needed hangover day in bed with sweet potato fries & a Buffy marathon. Posts will resume ASAP! xx

The day after that, Phil posts nothing. It's unusual. Instagram is Phil's job, so he posts at least once a day, normally. Of course, there are exceptions, like when he goes up North to visit his family, or is too busy and forgets. There's far from a regular upload schedule, but AmazingPhil can normally be relied upon to post at least once a day, and often more.

Then, on Sunday, just as Dan is getting in from his shift at around six in the morning, his phone buzzes. Dan reaches for it as he's peering into his fridge. He's bone tired, but his stomach is not going to let him go straight to sleep.

He checks his notification, and freezes, under the judgemental eye of the courgettes on the shelf in front of him.

amazingphil just posted a photo

Dan swipes the screen carefully, his heart in his mouth. How is he going to handle seeing this man, again, after everything that's occurred? He holds his breath, picturing the slow steps Phil made towards him, the gradual descent of his plush, pink mouth, the glimmer in his round, blue eyes...

The photo flashes up, and Dan's stomach twists in shock. His heart plunges to his knees, and he has to cling onto the fridge door for support. The photo is of Phil, and someone else. That someone else is recognisably Charlie Hickory, the man Phil had brought with him the first time they met.

They're kissing.

Hey guys! Sorry for the lack of posts, as you can see I've been kind of busy ;) back to normal uploads now, I promise!! xx

As his eyes sting with white hot jealousy, Dan realises just how deeply he's stupidly, ignorantly allowed himself to wade into this swamp of yearning for a guy he could never, in a thousand years, hope to get.

"Well, I'm a fucking twat," Dan sighs, and slams the fridge door.

(Part 3!)

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #dan x phil #dan and phil

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theliterateape · 3 years

Text

Is the Cancel Culture Racist or a Response to Bigotry?

by Don Hall

Morgan Wallen is a country singer who was recently caught on camera using the word that cannot be uttered by a white person, let alone a white guy who sings country music.

On one side, he was canceled. Suspended record deals, dropped from radio stations, streaming services taking down his music, and an automatic disqualification from this year’s Academy of Country Music awards. On the other side, Wallen’s latest album Dangerous became the the longest running number one album for a male artist since 2016, largely out of protest for his being canceled.

Aside from the fact that I wouldn’t likely buy his album in the first place as my musical tastes were frozen in the 1980’s, I can’t say that I disagree with the canceling. In this day and age, uttering the n-word while white is always with intent. It isn’t an accidental utterance. The intent most assumed is that dude is a fucking racist and leave it at that. Those who then purchase his music in record numbers must also be racists. Five years from now, if someone notices a copy of Dangerous on your record or CD stack, you’re going to have to issue an apology for owning the work of a racist.

In our current cultural civil war the lines are clearly drawn but the motivations for being one side or the other are less clear, less evident. Like the term ‘fake news’ the GOP loves to take that issue taken with their practice (originally utilized to describe Trump’s routine bag of horseshit trotted out daily) and turn it around on the rest of us (it was quickly re-branded as the enemy of Trump). ‘Cancel culture’ has undergone the same transformation.

There is a problem—in accountability, in due process, in general fairness—with the practice of mobs not merely boycotting individuals for what is deemed egregious behavior and language but harassing people into joining the boycott on moral grounds. These problems are not quite the same as what is meant by ‘cancel culture’ when uttered by Ted Cruz.

The new esoteric social media thing is called Clubhouse. Essentially an audio Zoom call for hundreds of people to have ‘rooms’ designed for conversations about agreed upon topics, one must be invited to join and then either listen in or join the discussion. You can even hit the “Leave Quietly” button if all you’re doing is listening in. You can ‘raise your hand’ to let the moderator know you want to pipe up as well.

As much as I despise social media, Himmel sent me an invite, so I joined just to see what this might be.

A few weeks ago, Michael Tracey started a room entitled “Is Clubhouse Obsessed with Wokeism?” He hosted the conversation as moderator with a few other moderators until around two hours in he allowed a woman whose handle was “Brooklyn” (IRL Amanda ‘Brooklyn’ Toussaint) to co-moderate. She immediately exiled him and took over the room.

Toussaint is the founder of PROVX, or Progressive Reform Overrides Violence. Her agenda was simple: take over the conversation because she felt it was white people talking around the issue. She made comments early on that the term "woke" should not be used by white people because it is inherently black vernacular and began "stacking" a list of people allowed to speak in the room. The ensuing discussion took an additional three hours.

A few selected quotes after listening to almost the entire thing:

“I just turned off the hand raising. White people put your fucking hands down…”

“As a queer black polyamorous woman I have been checked by trans people because of my internalized transphobia. Violence is not just physical. Your whiteness is violence.”

“By having rooms like this you commit violence to black bodies, violence on marginalized bodies.”

“Why would ya’ll let white people on any stage to talk about anything…?”

“My n****s, you don’t gotta be kind. Let these white motherfuckers choke on it.”

“It’s black history month. Fuck you. Fuck you. Pay me to listen to us, internalize our truth. On Venmo. Right now.”

“White people don’t think of themselves as being white. That’s supremacy.”

“Science was built on transphobia and anti-blackness.”

“How can you say that something is not racist when people are literally telling you it is?”

“I do want white people to reject whiteness. I want them to be anti-white.”

“I value the lives of animals over the lives of white people.”

If you switch out “white” for “black” it is obvious how completely bigoted this nonsense is. “I value the lives of animals over the lives of black people.” WTF? “I just turned off the hand raising. Black people put your fucking hands down…” If it looks like bigotry and smells like bigotry, it’s bigotry. I don’t blame them for being bigots but it’s still bigotry, no matter how you justify it.

Now, the likelihood that most Americans in the rural parts of the country give two shits for Clubhouse, it is not realistic to assume they hear this sort of hateful rhetoric on the regular. They do, however, read The Atlantic. They do read Newsweek. Many of them have some sort of social media and certainly most are in tune with the Trumpish perspective, the FOX News take, on social justice.

You wanna know what social justice looks like to them?

No. This is not what the preponderance of social justice seeks to accomplish yet it is what some might suggest it should. For the exact same reason one would shy away from a white nationalist promoting faux identitarianism, books on black racism, or the cancelling of the beloved writings of, say, August Wilson, we should openly refute this nonsense as well.

Most (as in the vast majority) of the country’s population recognize that anti-black racism is and has been a major issue we need to address. Most (as in the vast majority) are decidedly not bigots. The loudest of both the extreme right and left, however, are really fucking loud and incredibly bigoted.

We know what white supremicist rhetoric and iconography looks like and we should. We should also recognize the same dogma in different skin.

During the summer of unrest last year, as campus activists were tearing down statues of Confederate generals, I saw Ken Burns on some channel talking about the collegiate cleansing.

His perspective was that, of course, in the pursuit of justice there will be over correction. How else to explain the damning of Abraham Lincoln with Robert E. Lee? Over correction is an expected result when attempting a huge fix societally. So is a backlash in response.

Perhaps I simply cannot damn 75 million Americans as racist dipshits for voting for Trump over Biden. Perhaps I believe there are a lot of issues at play and race is only one of many. Hard to say but I do not believe that bigotry—which is present in every human in every country in every century—is the moral evil those seeking power using it as a bludgeon against the Others want us to believe.

I don’t buy Wallen’s music because I’m not a country fan. I don’t buy anything by Ted Nugent anymore despite my love of “Cat Scratch Fever” because he’s a rightwing loon. Road Dahl was a Nazi-sympathizer but I still watch Gene Wilder as Willis Wonka every time I see that it’s on somewhere and I love me some Thomas Jefferson while still recognizing he owned slaves.

Some in America are lashing back from the extreme rhetoric of activists like ‘Brooklyn’ Toussaint. This is an expected result.

The more history I read, the more I am hit in the jaw with a simple fact: there is nothing new about this. In 1918 there were anti-maskers and protests about government babysitting us. In the fifties, people who were even adjacent to Communists in almost any form were “held accountable” and lost careers over it. And for the entirety of time, there have been asshats who use race to divide us into camps, pitted against each other like teams in a campground battle, like high school jocks versus nerds versus that one badass kid who made a bong in shop class.

We tend to buy this hook every time. Why? Because, like the center of a Tootsie Pop, it only takes the owl three licks to get to our judgmental, self-interested, terrified centers. It is the very core of the Republican (and now Progressive) strategy of population management: tap into that completely normal if not wholly insulated fear of one another and milk the bovine teats of rage spawned from the recipe of terror and impotence.

Perhaps it is due to my ascendence in the (problematic) 1980’s—pre-smartphone, pre-internet, pre-social media, pre-surveillance state—that allows me to fully decide to listen to the race grifters on both sides of the rabid canines of ideology and take no moral offense. Perhaps it is my very GenXness that chooses to engage but on my solid color-blind, MLK inspired path.

Or maybe, like the cancelling of a country music guy, the coup over a social media discussion, or the attack upon Dr. Seuss, I realize that these issues only really matter to people with plenty of food and places to sleep. As in academia, the drama is so high because the stakes are so low.

#cancel culture

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zoebechtle-blog · 6 years

Text

Unlikely Chapter 4

Despite my throbbing head, Friday flew by. I tried not to check my phone every 38 seconds, but failed. I wanted him to text me, but he had to do it first. I don’t play by “The Rules” usually (hmmmm, given my dating history, maybe I should try) but out of sheer anxiety I never call or text first. It doesn’t mean that I don’t bite my nails while waiting, however. And more than once I’ve basically bitten a whole finger off waiting for a message that never came. I tried to distract myself at work by helping in the office in between appointments, explaining some procedures to Rose’s replacement (I’m sure telling her the total wrong thing). At lunch I decided to take a walk to occupy myself, but ended up sitting in the tea shop seven doors down eating a chocolate croissant and sipping Earl Grey. I was wearing ballet flats - there’s simply not enough arch support for a walk. Plus, my afternoon appointments didn’t need to see me sweaty. It was in the best interest of my patients. I was a woman of the people.

That evening Carly and I went to see Kinky Boots on the West End. It was my favorite and Carly had gotten box seats through someone at work. We sang like ninnies throughout the show, laughing and carrying on. Afterwards we hit a swank gastro-pub she’d heard about. As we settled in and were chatting about our days, she dropped the bomb I knew she’d been dying to ask, “So, Niall?”

“Nope.” I rolled my eyes at her.

“Yep. Spill.”

“Well yes, young Niall. He’s a friend of a friend. Perhaps you’ve noticed him at quiz night. Blonde thing, Irish?”

Biting into the olive in her martini, she stuck her tongue out at me. “Seems like he’s more than a friend of a friend. You two were almost snogging last night.”

“I was just playing with his hair. It was innocent. I do that to Paulie all the time.”

“Paul doesn’t practically drool on your boobs when you play with his hair. And he doesn’t look that cozy, either.”

“Stop.”

“Z,” she started. “He rea-...”

“No, Carly. I said stop.” I knew my irritation was evident. I had no poker face - anything I thought or felt was always on display. “Listen, he’s really nice and all the other stuff. But it’s nothing. NOTHING.” She tried to interrupt and I held up my hand. “Don’t. I will not get my hopes up. Because every time someone shows me interest I get a little excited, and I am not doing that anymore. It never ends well, and I’m not putting myself through it again. Remember Adam?” I took a long drink of my martini (Ketel One, extra dirty) and stared at her.

“Right. He was a dick.”

“He was a dick who lead me on for two months and then Aaron found out he had a girlfriend in Leeds. And before him there was Sam, and, um, Robbie. In college there was Dave. High school was Sean. And Kyle The Worst. I’m not doing it. Short of Niall Horan tattooing my name on his ass, I will not believe this is anything more than friendship.” For emphasis, I smacked my hand on the table, startling the tables around us. I eyeballed people who were looking, and stuck my tongue out at a kid about 7 who was staring. Like a sensible human being, he stuck his back out at me.

I’d been unable to get over my hissy fit with Carly, so we called it a night after one drink and no dinner. She hugged me outside of the pub. “Sorry, Z. I didn’t mean to upset you. But don’t shut him down. Friend or whatever, I think he’d be a good guy to keep around.” I nodded at her and hugged her back. I wasn’t mad at her really - she said the same things I would have said if the tables were turned. But Carly didn’t have my history with men, so she couldn’t understand where I was coming from. Sigh. I dug around my purse and found an emergency Valium in my container of miscellaneous pills, swallowing it as the cab sped towards my flat.

I slept late Saturday and Sunday mornings (okay, I sleep late every weekend) and ran errands. I’d begrudgingly let Hannah talk me into hot yoga on the condition that we got pancakes afterwards. I spent the rest of my free time on laundry, had dinner and wine at one of the other therapist’s in my office’s house, and caught up on paperwork. My friends all avoided any mention of Niall - I was assuming Carly had made everyone aware of my meltdown Friday night and they were tiptoeing around me. I was okay with that, though. I didn’t post on Instagram, but went on a few rants on Twitter. Nothing exciting happened, not that I expected it to. Sadly my philosophy on life was to set low expectations and never be disappointed.

Monday began earlier than I expected when my texts notifications dinged at 6:30 (my alarm was set for 6:45 - those 15 minutes make a huge difference). Having been raised to believe that no good came of late night or early morning phone calls, and having adapted this to texting as well, I fumbled for my phone, knocking it off the nightstand. Trying to get to it as soon as possible (Did someone need bail money? Had my sister-in-law finally snapped and murdered my brother?), I fell off the bed. Happy fucking Monday.

Niall. The text was from Niall. I rubbed the tiny knot rising on my forehead (which I knew would swelll into a goose egg by the time the morning was over), and opened it.

“Dragged everyone to quiz night . Not the same without ya !

“I’m shite at the science questions-wish ya were here Z .”

Holy fuck beans. I was wide awake now. As I processed this info, another text came in.

“Oh, and it’s trivia night here . Not quiz night . Americans ;) .”

That was flirty. It was definitely flirty. There was a wink emoji. I took a screenshot of the conversation and sent it to Hannah.

“HELP!”

“HELP!

“HANNAH LOUISE GET UP! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!”

“omg. he texted you! he’s flirting! that’s total flirting!”

“i’m totally squealing for you, btw”

“Right? Me too!”

“what did you say back?”

Fuck. I needed to respond.

“I haven’t. Shit, what do I say?”

“be clever.”

“Oh, that’s helpful.”

“z, it’s 6:40 on a monday morning. you’re lucky i’m awake.”

Okay, I can do this. I carried my phone (like it was my precious baby) into the kitchen while I started my Nespresso. I tried typing in several witty answers and deleted them before I could hit send.

“Sorry, my friend. You hit the quiz night goldmine with us on your first try. And damn those dirty Americans :)”

When I didn’t get a response in a few minutes, I gave up and started to get ready for the day. In the shower (washing your hair actually causes ideas to get loose, I swear) I thought of several comebacks that would have been much better. Damn. No response as I gave my hair a quick blow dry (then gave up and put it in a bun), tossed on my fast weekday makeup (BB cream, a quick swipe of eyeliner, and mascara...lipstick could be done on the tube), and tossed on a pair of gray khakis and a navy sweater. Nothing. Bullocks. I reminded myself that this was the exact reason I didn’t want to get excited about Niall in the first place-it was too easy to get caught up and let my emotions get dictated by someone else. With a concerned effort, I turned off my phone and tossed it in my bag.

When I finished with my 3:00 appointment, one of the part-time admins was standing outside of the treatment room we’d been in. “Zoe, you need to call a Hannah back as soon as possible. She’s called three times since lunch and sounds like she’s really upset. I hope everything is okay.”

Damn it, Hannah, you drama queen. I went into my (tiny) office and retrieved my phone, turning it on. 14 texts from Hannah, 8 from Paul, 2 each from Jess and Carly, and 1 from Brian. She’d sent in the troops. As I scrolled through, I saw one more I’d missed in my initial perusal - Niall. First things first, though: Hannah. I called her extension at work and she picked up, “Jesus Christ, are you okay?”

“Wow, that’s a professional way to answer the phone. I’m fine. Turned my phone off this morning.”

“Did he not text back?” People were shouting numbers behind her and the mere idea of it gave me a rash.

“Not right away, and I didn’t want to keep looking at the phone. Just checked it since you freaking called the hounds out on me. He responded.”

“And?”

“And what? I didn’t read it yet. I called you before Scotland Yard showed up at my office.”

“Well fucking read it!” her high pitched voice pierced the line. Ouch.

“I’ll text you shortly. Call off the posse, I’m safe.” I ended the call and stared at the phone a minute. Here goes nothing.

“I did hit the jackpot for quiz mates . Brains and beauty .”

I gasped. Literally gasped. And dropped my phone, narrowly missing my mid-afternoon San Pellegrino. Beauty. BEAUTY. But mate. But beauty. But mate. Gah! This is why my spinster plan was a good idea. Copied the text and sent to Hannah with my own “WTF?” note.

I hammered out a quick response, “Yeah, Paul’s quite the catch. You did well.” It was almost 7 am in Los Angeles (thanks, Google, because time zone math always tricked me). I didn’t figure Niall for an early riser, so back in the bag went the phone and I went into my 4:00 with Elliott, one of my favorite kids.

On the tube home I couldn’t resist and looked again. Nothing. So I did what any sensible person would do and ordered eggplant parmigiana take away. I got into my flat, changed into an old t-shirt - pants were totally optional in my house, took out my contacts, and plopped my ass down with my dinner. My Netflix and chill date was Italian and delicious. A little saucy, though.

At 9:30 my phone dinged with a text. I was half asleep and could feel the pattern from the sofa pillow indented in my face. I grabbed it and saw a text from Niall.

“Paul is a nice looking chap . Not who I had in mind, tho .”

Well fuck this, I was no good at playing cute. Trying to come up with a way to come and ask him if he was hinting at liking me, I heard another ding.

“Want to facetime? I’ll turn on the Lumineers and sing to ya .”

Oh, fate, you’re a cruel mistress. I didn’t even want to know what I looked like right now. There was marinara on the front of my shirt, and I’m sure some on my face. I highly doubted that my makeup had lasted for 14 hours. And I had dragon breath. (I know, he wouldn’t be able to smell it because we hadn’t invented that technology yet, but I’d know.) I pondered if I could put him off long enough to take a shower, get a blow out, and properly contour and highlight my face. Instead I opted for a coy response.

“What fun would your singing be if I couldn’t play with your hair?”

“I’m not really up for FT right now - Monday slug night. Talk, though?”

One minute and 43 seconds later, my phone rang.

I finally hung up the phone at 00:18, GMT. My cheeks hurt from the smile I was rocking. At one point I'd laughed so hard as Niall told me about being chased by stadium security guards on his Segway that I got the hiccups. He, in turn, laughed so hard he had a coughing fit. “We’re a right mess, aren’t we?” he said as we both calmed down, an occasional chuckle between us. “Suppose we are. But at least we’re entertaining.” By this time I’d abandoned the living room and crawled into bed, almost purring when my back hit the mattress.

“What are you doing?” he asked in almost a whisper.

“Getting comfy. Just laid down in bed. It’s my happy place.” The silence on the other end of the line was obvious. Did I just freak him out? I wasn’t trying to get all sexy times, I just got into bed. My shirt and panties were still in place, for God’s sake. “Uh, I didn’t mean happy place like sex. Well, I mean, I guess that happens here, too, well, has happened here, but I’m just, um, laying down. Ya know, it’s late and my bed is warm.” The babbling.must.stop. “I just really like to sleep.”

His chuckle calmed my nerves. “I like to sleep, too, Z. I guess I was just thinking about you gettin’ cozy in your pajamas.” The tiny yelp noise I made echoed through my room. And the phone. But before I could get awkward, Niall beat me to it.

“Not perverted. Well, maybe a little.” I could already see him pulling at the front of his hair while he tried to explain himself. He let out that damned adorable chuckle again and continued. “I just think you’d look cute curled up in a big bed with lots of blankets. Probably one your gran made ya or something like that.”

My heart was beating so hard I thought it was going to explode. Unable to handle the sweetness, I laughed and said, “Do you have a camera or something in here? I thought you weren’t being perverted?” And I pulled the quilt my Grandma Bechtel made me in elementary school up closer to my chin. It scared me (in a good way, not a Jamie Dornan in The Fall kind of way) that he could imagine a scenario that was basically right on.

“I’ll keep my perverted thoughts to myself, promise. At least for now.”

Okay, well I’ll be good and goddamned if my panties weren’t on fire. “You’re testing my restraint here, Horan. I’m a good girl.”

“I have a feeling anything I say here is going to lead us down a bad path.” His voice had dropped an octave, though, and I could practically SEE the sexual tension in the air. “And, for the record, uh, I think you’re a very good girl, Z.”

Struggling to keep my heart from actually packing up and abandoning my chest, I managed to respond. “I think I should say goodnight, Niall. Or good afternoon in your part of the world.” I barely recognized my own voice. It sounded a little higher and throatier than usual. Oh my god. It was my horny voice. I wasn’t usually in a position to actually listen to myself.

“Yeah I guess it is late there. You go and enjoy your beauty sleep. Not that ya need beauty sleep, I just mean I hope you sleep well. You’re already beautiful. Just, uh, sweet dreams, Z.”

Wow.

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god-hunter · 4 years

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Focusing on my Past & my Future for the Present

I’m back to where I was 2 rants ago, almost. I’m happier and Owning my Awesome again. But not much has changed. Perhaps I’ve healed a bit. I dunno. Doing this Self Work has given me some clarity. It’s almost my own form of closure at what the fuck has happened in the last 5 years. Cataloging this very same blog, with a neat and tidy Rant section has also been interesting and insightful. I was a very different person in 2015 and 2016.

2017 was when some major changes occurred when we were living together, but I was already unhappy and unsatisfied with too many things in the relationship. And whenever I received outside attention that was in my favor... I took what I could get. They were online interactions, so I didn’t think much of them. She would be asleep in the other room, or inattentive romantically by 2018. We were already in a bad place. And I’ve already known for a while that on August 11th of 2018, I already felt like it was the Unofficial End of us. Everything else was us holding on to whatever we had and trying to make it work. Except... we never did the work. I’m partially to blame for that. It wasn’t worth it to me...

How on Earth we let a whole other year go in 2019 is beyond me. I truly have no idea. That’s gonna be an interesting one to analyze.

Like I said, I’ve been doing the Self-Work these past 2 weeks. The process is proving to take longer than I expected, but it’s far more rewarding in the end than it is chorish or taxing. Even though it’s literal work, sitting, analyzing and writing my life out on the page, there’s something to it that’s really therapeutic. And as I stated at the beginning it just gives me Clarity.

So now I’m not as mopey. I turn the TV on again for fun and I’ve even worked on music again for fun too. And of course I’m applying. In fact, that’s mostly the purpose of this rant. I got an Interview on Thursday and a Date on Friday!

The beauty of these rants is that sometimes, I have no idea what I’m gonna say. I wasn’t expecting to just blurt out a summary of my last relationship. But that’s good. I need to get it out and Own it.

But I also wanted to mix in my Dating Life with my Applying Life, because in fact, one does somewhat tie-in to the other. You might consider this scarcity mindset, but last Tuesday I stopped giving a fuck and just hit up Goth Mom again. I threw a random “How’s it going” to her, and she actually gave it a shot. I do remember still panicking when it took a while though.

But it was a pretty good talk. I told her about a new job opportunity that I had to turn down because the pay wasn’t enough for the work they’d be asking. It would’ve been an Overnight Warehouse position for 12 hour shifts for $16 an hour. They paid weekly. At first this sounded promising, but when I factored in Rent and Benefits/Tax Deductions, not at all, dude. I also cleared the air about certain statuses on FB that seemed Passive Aggressive towards her. One of them was actually about the Bailer, to which I told her all about that story and she cracked up. She even went so far as to say, “No one deserves that kind of wtf in their life,” which I thought was pretty cool.

I want to say we’re friends, but since then I tried saying hey again, just yesterday and I literally got one thing from her hours later. She asked how my cat was. [He recently got neutered]. When she didn’t respond back to that at all, now I’m questioning the entire whatever this is again. I certainly can’t call it a relationship. And now I don’t even think it’s a friendship.

The reality is hitting me that she doesn’t know what she wants. At all. I even broached the subject of what happened in June without pressuring her for an answer. I just told her that I’ve been confused since our last encounter and don’t know what she needs or wants, but if she wanted to focus on our friendship first, I was completely game. This was risky, because it might’ve put me in eternal friendzone, but frankly, I was probably there already.

She just said that we were both lost in that regard, she excused herself to go to bed since she had to be up at 5 and then she told me chin up with a smiley face.

Don’t know what the fuck that means, but I kinda thought it was a green light to keep talking in the future. Well... Since then, my little plan was to hit her up when she was off on Monday, and I did. Now I have my answer. Even on her day off, this bitch don’t give a FUCK about getting back to me, like she used to. That’s my Closure. She’s not worth pursuing.

To give myself some peace of mind, I tried the same thing with the Bailer the day before. On a Sunday, I had known she was off, and did the same exact thing. I just texted her a “Hello”, and we actually had a little conversation. This was mostly about jobs, as that’s all I have to talk about. I’ve been applying left and right and I had an interview set up for Tuesday that I wasn’t looking forward to.

She asked why, I explained that it felt like a scam, and it was a decent conversation where I actually got advice from her, where I wasn’t expecting anything. Comparitively, the Bailer is much more friendly than Goth Mom now, although, she’s still an idiot. And it’s not like I can just throw her a normal text and expect an answer back.

We talked a little on Monday, because I was bored and kind of don’t give a fuck. And that is exactly the right attitude to have with her. We eventually kept it going until there was a storm last night and my phone died.

This morning I updated her about that stupid interview that I wasn’t excited about. It absolutely was a scam and thankfully I didn’t even need to go on the interview. The Recruiter called me half an hour beforehand to ask if I was all set, and I backed out right there saying that this was a Sales job that paid $11 an hour and I wasn’t interested in that at all. She tried to sell me on the idea that all the extra substantial income is commission-based and I just hung up on her saying I wasn’t interested. I’m proud of that. I have a no button.

And theeeeen, an hour later a different employer contacted me for a job I’m actually interested in! No idea if I’m gonna get it, but I actually applied to this one and took their little aptitude test on Indeed. The fact that they are interested in me has me really excited, honestly. These guys pay $14-18 an hour, so I REALLY gotta push for that 18, which is gonna be a hard sell since I don’t have much experience in this field. But one thing in my favor is that the employer actually recognizes my name from my last job. We actually worked together!! So who the fuck knows!! Maybe Nepitism will work in my favor! Train me, bitches!!!

On a final note, I need to bring up the Social Distancer. About 2 weeks ago, I had actually tried to vent to her about Goth Mom or The Bailer and she didn’t want to hear it at all. She REFUSED to be Friendzoned and basically said as much. She just kind of threw me off with a, “...is that why we’re not dating??” and it really surprised me. After all this time of not talking, she was still interested???

We stopped talking because, not for nothing dude, but she boring. Back in March, I asked her out on a date and she said let’s do dinner when all of this is over. Fast forward to now, the World is broken, but outdoor dining is back. So it’s as “over” as it’s gonna get, I think. Especially with me possibly going back to work soon.

So now is the time as ever to get that dinner on. And as we discussed this, she was really open about how it might not be a good idea. We both want different things. I was open too. Not trying to convince her any other way. But when we talked about it yesterday, something just clicked. I was so accepting of her rejection and unfazed that she changed her mind. She said, “Ya know what? It’ll be fun.”

I don’t want to be the “Maybe Date”. But in fairness, that’s what she is to me too. I’m keeping this super simple. I just want to have a good time. Then see if there’s actually anything there. She wants something serious yesterday and I don’t want something serious tomorrow. That’s where her fear lies. I get it.

Not unlike Needy Girl, we’re in different places, but Needy Girl and I have an arrangement. Distancer would not be into just hooking up at all. But I need to go on dates. And who knows? Maybe I’ll see something I haven’t online, or have such a good time, I just NEED to see her again. I dunno.

But it’s nice to be wanted. It’s nice to text someone who will IMMEDIATELY text you back. But also isn’t needy and sad when you don’t write back to her right away.

Here’s something though. She doesn’t have any hobbies yo. Except TV. That’s the Ex, take 2. And I’m not interested in that.

But she’s not a carbon copy. She’s very different. Friday’s gonna be interesting.

Thursday is gonna be interesting! That’s the interview.

Monday and Today I’ve been plugging away at my Diary Entries for my Self-Work. I’ve caught up to 2017 now, and this is really good for me, because that’s when I recall things really going downhill. But in reality, they were already on a bit of a downturn in 2016.

So this is good stuff, man. Knowing myself. Owning, myself. And not feeling so mopey when I’m alone. I’ve said it before, but when you take on a new relationship, you take on other people’s problems. And that’s why it’s so important to give yourself time after a major relationship ends. Because you need to get used to your new changes and accept them! That’s the most important part. That last one. I accept the fact that I live alone. I like it here. I love my little cat.. I love having all this time to myself. But this Quarancation has been anything but normal. Better days and Worse days, right?

And I should apologize for referring to it as a Party in the last entry. It’s been anything, but.

These days, I’m basically applying to jobs or writing in my Diary. Then after I’ve hit a certain goal, I treat myself to either Anime or I work on a Music Project. Now that’s work too, for my band, but it’s fun work. I’ve also been walking again. Not putting on the cardio videos yet, but I’ve been missing them. Chores are important too. I’ve been better at keeping up with them. I’m even eating salads again.

I always know I’m doing better when I stick to my rules. But yeah, I’m really looking forward to that date on Friday. The food is gonna be delicious, and hopefully the company will be great. We both already know that we’ve had a vibe for a couple of years, so.. things might be easier. Who knows?

#Life #Reality #Dating #Relationships #The Ex #The Relationship #what happened #Self Work #Applying #Talking #Goth Mom #The Bailer #Social Distancer

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