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dari-ede · 1 year

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In the Middle of the Night: Ch 23 (M)

Chapter 23: "자꾸 멀어져가" [jakku meoleojyeoga]

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

MASTERLIST

Summary: As Bangtan prepares for a new chapter in their lives, they head to their private property in the forest for a songwriting workshop. As a songwriter and producer they have worked with for years, I’m asked to tag along. I was ready for the heavy workload and small amount of sleep during the workshop week. However, I wasn’t ready for the storm that came that changed my friendship with Namjoon forever.

Genre: Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Smut

Pairing: Idol!Namjoon x Female Reader

Rating: M (language, explicit sexual scene)

Status: COMPLETE

Trigger warnings: familial problems, sexual assault scene (once again, this will have a ***** at the beginning and end), mother-daughter issues, misunderstandings

Warning/spoilers: anal, fingering

********

NOTE: First and foremost, Happy Indigo Day!!!! Don’t forget to stream/listen/buy “Indigo”! 🥰💜💜💜

Second, I'm sorry to inform you that this will be the last weekly chapter I post this month. I've fallen behind on this story due to the crazy holidays (work tends to double around this time). There is a lot I have to work on and I would rather not rush as I have been lately. There are seven chapters left (they’re mostly finished but need heavy editing), so I want to ensure I take my time with them. Plus, I have another short story I’m working on that I want to take care of first (“Seven Times I Hated Kim Seokjin”). I think I’ll be able to release one more chapter of ITMOTN in December but I won't make any promises. I’m hoping to be back to posting weekly by the beginning of the new year.

On a positive note, this chapter is a long one. Enjoy!

_______________

-Early December-

“You do have a beautiful home, Mai-Mai,” Hoseok said as he stared into the ocean.

Hoseok, Yoongi, Taehyung, and I were all sitting in the backyard of my home. They were done with their shows and had officially started their vacation. Jin, Jimin, and Jungkook had already flown back to Seoul, the rest were staying in the States for a little longer to enjoy some of their time off. Tae and Hobi were flying out first thing in the morning with their families for their vacation while Yoongi would be staying behind alone in California. Namjoon was also set to leave tomorrow with Hakun and Yongrae and another friend of ours. They were going to be visiting several museums in the States; the trip they had been planning for months.

I was putting on a brave face. Namjoon and I were going to be separated once again. Only this time, it was going to be for much longer. I wasn’t set to go back to Korea for another two months or so. Honestly, my heart ached at thinking about it. Even with the guys' busy schedules, Namjoon and I still managed to see each other almost every day since they'd been here. It was going to be difficult not seeing him as often.

“I bet this has a killer view in the morning,” Yoongi murmured as he took a sip of the whiskey he had brought out from my collection.

An idea popped into my head, pulling me away from the sadness I was feeling. “Why not just stay here?” I asked.

Yoongi turned to me, confused.

“I have plenty of room for you, Kiwoo, and Dal. Rather than stay in the hotel, why not here? There’s plenty of security at the gate. If you need a driver, call the company I use or call Ky. His schedule is flexible.” Kiwoo and Dal were the two staff members staying behind with Yoongi. If I was going to invite Yoongi to crash at my place, I needed to extend the invitation to them.

“Use Ky as my own personal chauffeur?” Yoongi asked, chuckling at the idea.

“Get him dinner and he’ll be happy to do it,” I suggested. Yoongi tended to eat at high-quality restaurants and Ky was always too cheap to go to those places. If Yoongi agreed to take him out to dinner, I knew Ky would be happy to drive Yoongi through all of California for that free meal.

Yoongi considered it for a moment. “It's not a bad idea. The guys won't be bored here either. I’ll talk to Kiwoo and Dal.”

I smiled, liking my brilliant idea. Yoongi's flight wasn't for a couple of weeks. It would be nice to have some company. Maybe I could introduce him to an old friend of mine. I didn't get involved in my friends' love lives unless they asked for my advice. Yoongi had never asked me to introduce him to someone or even hinted at wanting to find someone, but I did have this one friend who I genuinely believed would be a great match for him.

Suddenly, Namjoon's appearance pulled me out of my thinking. He had two beers in hand. While Yoongi and Hobi were drinking the whiskey, I was craving beer. Namjoon, being the sweetheart he was, offered to get some for us. Tae opted out of drinking, which wasn't a surprise to us.

Namjoon came to my side and handed me the ice-cold beer. As he took the seat next to me, he caressed my head gently.

The butterflies in my stomach flew in all sorts of directions.

“Such a gentleman, Namjoonie,” Taehyung said as he gave his brother applause.

Hobi mimicked Tae and clapped, laughing at our expressions.

I got a light blush. For some reason, I didn't get embarrassed by the kissing or full physical flirting, but when it was small or intimate touches, I turned into a tomato. Namjoon rolled his eyes at his brothers. He took a sip of his beer and draped his arm on the back of my chair, scooting closer to me.

“You’re seriously not going to join Namjoon on his travels?” Hoseok asked me, changing the subject.

“Yeah. There just isn’t time. I’ve got some meetings with an artist on their next album. Plus, this is a guy’s trip. Namjoon and they have been planning this for months, I don't want to intrude,” I said taking a sip from my beer.

Yoongi laughed next to me. “She doesn’t want to spend all that time in museums.”

Hobi chuckled at the accusation.

I didn’t answer and took another sip. He wasn’t wrong. While I wanted to spend as much time as I could with Namjoon, it also didn’t excite me to spend that many days and hours discussing art. I enjoyed my time at an art gallery and having Namjoon next to me explaining everything, but I feel I would be more in the way than anything else if I went. But I also mean it when I said I didn’t want to intrude on his trip with the boys, all of whom were art enthusiasts.

“She’s not saying anything, so you might be right,” Hobi teased.

I flipped him off.

Namjoon turned to me, his eyes giving a mock expression of hurt. “You don’t want to spend hours of your days walking through a gallery or on your butt in a car, trying to get to another destination?”

He was so close to me that the cluster of freckles around his eyes and nose became more prominent. I swear, they looked like a constellation of stars I could not name. “Depends. If I go with you will you go to a couple of off-Broadway shows in New York?”

Namjoon pulled away and resumed drinking his alcohol, refusing to answer me. I took that as a fat ‘no’.

“The sky looks very pretty,” Tae said as he looked out into the ocean. “I bet the sunset is quite the view.”

I nodded. “The colors against the water are almost breathtaking. And the shadows it makes with the trees give you goosebumps. It gets really beautiful. Like a movie.”

“We haven’t caught a sunset in this view, right?” Namjoon asked me, pulling my chair closer to his.

I nodded. We hadn’t. We had seen one once at the beach but not at my house.

We all turned to the sun as it got closer to disappearing. Everyone was quiet.

Someone cleared his throat. “You want to shoot some pool?” Hobi asked Yoongi.

Yoongi smiled at him and nodded. “Come on, Taehyung.”

“Come on, Tae,” Hobi echoed as he got out of his chair.

“Why?” Taehyung asked, pouting. “I want to see the sunset. Sounds romantic.”

“That’s why, dummy,” Yoongi muttered as he let out a chuckle.

Hoseok took ahold of Taehyung’s arm and pulled him out of his chair. It seemed Tae finally understood why the other two wanted to go inside when I heard him make an "Aaaaaah" sound. Yoongi and Hobi simply laughed at him.

“Well, they were subtle,” Namjoon said, getting up himself and picking up our beers with one hand.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“It’s ‘where are we going’,” he corrected and took my hand, dragging me out of my chair.

I followed him over to a couch that overlooked the water. Namjoon set down the bottles on the floor and then motioned with his hand for me to take a seat first. I sat down and moved the cushions so we could recline on them and still have a good view of the sunset. Once I was done, Namjoon climbed on, pulling me to his chest.

I snuggled close, draping my leg across his stomach and placing my head on a pillow next to his own. Normally, I would have opted to lay on his chest or neck, but I wanted to keep my eyes on his face. I had first-hand knowledge of how breathtaking his face looked at sunset. There was no way I was going to miss it.

As we lay there, waiting on the sun to come fully down, Namjoon’s fingers lightly stroked my back and his other hand wrapped warmly around the thigh that was on top of him. “You really can’t meet me in New York? Even for a day before I fly out?”

I let out a groan at his words. We had discussed this several times. At first, I thought I would be able to go to New York and spend a couple of days with him, but Ky had booked us some meetings with labels which looked promising. Plus, I had a project with another artist and needed to stay in LA.

“I wish I could, but I can’t,” I said, sounding and feeling crappy.

Namjoon squeezed me. “I know. I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty. Just sucks.”

I nodded, holding him tighter.

He turned to me, his warm chocolate eyes landing on mine. I reached over and traced the dots around his nose and eyes lightly. “I’m gonna miss these the most.”

He snorted. “You’re the only one. I’ve never had a girl that paid them any mind. I’m not even a fan myself. Takes so much product to cover up since there’s so brown.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “What’s so wrong with brown?” I asked jokingly.

He chuckled. “Nothing. On you, it’s beautiful,” he said, reaching for my lips and giving me a deep kiss. “But beauty standards placed upon me growing up made me have a strong dislike for them. Took me a while to simply accept them.”

My fingers continued to explore his face. “Do you like them now?”

Keeping his eyes fully on mine, he spoke. “I like that you like them.”

My heart felt like it would burst. Something lingered on my lips that wanted to desperately come out. I bit my lip, keeping myself contained. He was leaving tomorrow and we would be separated for close to two months. I needed to be rational here.

Suddenly, I noticed a change in the lighting. We both turned to the water at the same time.

The sky turned into different shades of purple and orange as the sun began to fall out of view.

Namjoon’s eyes stayed in nature, taking in the moment. “Beautiful,” he breathed out.

My eyes traced the shadows beginning to form on his face, making his features stronger. “Yeah,” I agreed.

How the fuck did I get so lucky?

**************

A few hours later, we were back at the hotel. Everyone, minus Yoongi, would be leaving first thing in the morning. It was easier if I stayed the night at the hotel than a car picking him up early from my place. As we arrived at their floor, Namjoon and my hands stayed linked.

Staff members greeted us and I noticed some of their eyes lingering on our hands. I had the instinct to pull back my hand and step away from Namjoon. However, I resisted the urge. It wasn’t getting easier being stared at, but I needed to learn how to tolerate it.

The only thing I had on me was my purse where I only had a few things. I felt slightly embarrassed and felt anxious in them knowing I would be staying over the night with no extra clothing.

Judging by Namjoon’s face, though, it didn’t seem the same worries were going through his head. Quite the opposite, he looked quite content as we held each other’s hands and got to his room. Once the door was open, he allowed me to go in first, a big smile on his face as he looked at me. Jesus. I don’t think I ever felt such conflicting emotions about his smile. On one hand, I never wanted him to stop looking at me that way, but on the other hand, I wanted him to stop. We were being watched, goddamn it.

After settling in his room, he put on some music. He needed a few things to pack and I decided to help. I looked around, searching everywhere to see if he had forgotten anything.

It didn’t take long for him to finish. However, he was having difficulties closing one of his suitcases.

He looked around the zipper, trying to figure out what was wrong.

I sat back, finding it endearing to see him struggle. Also, I knew how it sometimes irritated him when he was treated like a child. He liked to do things on his own.

After less than a minute, he figured out what was wrong. “Oh, you didn’t align this well, Namjoon,” he muttered to himself and fixed the problem.

I held back a laugh, not wanting to ruin the moment.

After closing it, he turned to me. “Finally.”

As he stared at me, I caught the glint in his eyes. I knew it all too well.

Biting his lip, he made his way to me. I was sitting on the bed, watching him. Once he got to me, he took a seat in the bed and then tugged at my arm.

I let out a laugh, understanding what he was trying to say. I moved my body on top of his, placing my thighs on either side of his legs.

Once I was sitting on his lap, his hands made their way up my back. “Hey,” he said to me, looking at me with heat in his eyes.

I came closer to him, not being able to control my smile. “Hey.”

We kissed for a moment, but nothing heated. A few touches and caresses. We were content just holding each other.

I wasn’t sure how long we stayed that way, but eventually, a knock at the door snapped us out of it.

“Coming,” Namjoon called out, placing his gentle hands on my hips and applying a little bit of pressure, signaling me to move.

I brought my leg up and moved off him. His hands remained on me as he stood up. His palms gave my lower back a soft rub before letting go as if needing to touch me for as long as possible before our bodies fully separated.

I was noticing this was happening more—the gentle and intimate touches. My body and heart thrilled at the growing emotions, but I couldn’t help but get worried that things were going too fast. Opposite to Namjoon’s thinking, I didn’t think three months was too long. How could our emotions be developing so quickly and intensely? Every touch and look now felt so incredibly intimate.

As Namjoon came to the door, a staff member announced he was there to collect Namjoon’s luggage. Namjoon brought out the suitcases he would be checking into the flight but was keeping his bag and small carry-on behind.

After closing the door when the staff left, I had a lingering question. “Um, do you have an extra shirt or sweater for me?”

He looked at me, confused. “Are you cold?”

I tilted my head, giving him a “are you for real” look. “You don’t like me bringing anything when I stay the night. I would hope you have something for me to wear, at least.”

The realization finally hit Namjoon. He let out an embarrassed chuckle and went to his carry-on. “I should have a couple of shirts. Hold on.”

After finding one, he placed it on the nightstand closest to the bathroom.

On my nights here, that was the side I tended to sleep on. His remembering that and considering me brought warmth.

Namjoon went back to his carry-on and tried closing it. Unfortunately, he was having a similar difficulty with it as he had with his other suitcase. He pushed down hard on it, making a sound.

I got a little worried, thinking he might have broken something. I looked over at it but didn’t see anything damaged. Still, I stayed where I was, ready to help if Namjoon asked me to.

“Namjoon, hands nice and steady,” he muttered to himself.

As brilliant as he was and as wonderful it was to witness his moments of intelligence on the topics of art and philosophy and music, I found it equally as beautiful watching the man struggle with trivial things such as packing. And hearing him talk to himself was the icing on the cupcake.

After a couple of minutes, he turned to me and stopped what he was doing. “What? What are you smiling at?”

Damn, I got caught. “Nothing.” I looked away and tried to busy myself using my phone.

“What?” he pushed, making his way to me, determined to know what I found amusing.

“Nothing,” I repeated, feeling a smile on my face. I looked away.

He knew I was lying. He took my phone and placed it n my nightstand, next to the shirt. Then, he poked my side gently. “Tell me. What was I doing? I know you’re making fun of me.”

He knew me too well, but I wasn’t going to admit it. “No.” I squirmed away from him.

“Liar. Why don’t you tell me?” He poked me again.

“Because if I say what you were doing, you’ll stop doing it.” I backed away from him as he reached for me again. “And you look so fucking cute doing it.”

He sent me a teasing glare and looked ready to pounce.

I climbed up the bed, keeping distance between us. “Don’t.” I could read his next move.

His Cheshire smile and dragon eyes looked almost predatory. He climbed onto the bed, slowly crawling towards me.

There was a thrilling feeling that shot through me. “Don’t!”

Suddenly, I was captured. Fiery lips were on me, soft hands touching me, strong arms pinning me down. And my pussy was fully wet.

It didn’t take him long to undress us both. Then, somehow—I don’t know how—he managed to put on some loud music and take us both over to the balcony door.

Memories of the time with the butt plug flooded back, making my pussy quiver in anticipation.

He turned me around roughly, making me face the city lights like he had that one night.

His hand moved across my stomach and moved down between my legs. His fingers slipped in between until he reached my bottom lips, rubbing my clit with his talented thumb.

I mewled under his touch. One of my hands clutched his arm while the other pressed against the glass in front of me.

“You’re so fucking wet,” he growled into my ear, pressing his body against mine. His cock against my lower back.

I pressed my ass to his balls. “Make me wetter,” I challenged.

I could feel his dark chuckle all the way to my dripping pussy. “How would you like me to get you wetter? Finger-fucking your pussy, or…” His fingers drifted lower, moving away from my cunt and to my asshole.

We had discussed having anal sex and I had told him I was ready whenever he was. He said he wanted to wait for a special night. Tonight was our last one for a while. It seemed a better night than any. Thinking of his long cock inside me there sent shivers everywhere.

“…finger-fucking your tight, little asshole?” he finished asking as he pressed the tip of his finger into my back ring.

A sound came out of me that sounded primal. “Put it in!” I bucked my hips against his hand, my body needing him.

His finger came back to my front juices and went back to my tight little hole. “I need to lubricate it first, girl. Can’t rush this. We have all night.”

He reached down the stand next to us and took the lube I had left there. He applied some onto his fingers. Then slowly, he pushed one finger in, making circles as he went in and out in slow motion. I heard his dark, unmerciful chuckle every time I let out my primal sound.

“Please!” I begged, minutes after his slow but beautiful work. I thrust my ass against his finger, needing more friction. Unfortunately, his other hand was firmly around my waist. It was keeping me from pushing him further in.

His other hand went back to my pussy, rubbing and driving me insane. Once he had more juice coated on his hand, he moved three of his fingers to the ring of my asshole. But stayed there and didn’t move.

“Please!” I was ready to move his hand away and do it myself.

“So impatient,” he said in a mocking tone. And then he finally pushed in, his middle finger was more than halfway sucked inside me.

“My god!” I pounded the door, feeling a combination of discomfort and pleasure.

His finger slowly moved out then moved back in.

My ass shook from the indulgence.

“Shit,” he let out as my walls tightened, his teeth grazing my neck as he picked up speed.

It was perfect friction. “Yes!” I let out, rocking into his hand, and feeling grateful that he wasn’t stopping me. He was now knuckle-deep; I could I his entire middle finger sucked in.

His lips came to my ear. “Ready for another one?” I felt the tip of his forefinger tease my back entrance.

I took a deep breath and nodded frantically. “Fuck, put three in me already.”

He made me feel wild and hungry. Like I could take anything he gave me. I backed roughly into the digit inside me to prove I could handle more of him.

Another dark chuckle filled the room and I heard him spit behind me. Some of the spit landed on my round ass. He took away his finger from inside me—I whined at him—and he coated his fingers with spit. His magical digits traveled back to my hole and went in.

I bit my lip as I tried to ignore the ache I felt, doing my best to focus on the desire it would be bringing me. His fingers moved in and out at a patient pace, allowing my body to get used to the intrusion. It didn’t take too long, my body eventually loved anything Namjoon did to it. Eventually, I was bucking into his hand and letting out grunts of pleasure. My walls squeezed all his fingers, welcoming them.

His lips left pecks and small bites along my back as he brought me pleasure. His other hand took hold of one of my heavy breasts and he played with my nipple.

My back arched into his body. I was on the edge of something fucking beautiful and I wanted him to fully engulf me.

However, he didn’t let me reach my orgasm. He pulled his fingers out and I let out a whine.

My pout was short-lived when I felt his thick and massive head at my back entrance.

“Still want to do this, baby?” he asked sweetly into my ear. His lips pecked and chin.

I nodded urgently. “Please.”

He got closer to me and took hold of my lips, giving me a soft kiss. “Stop me anytime, ok?”

Another nod.

Then, softly, I felt the head of his cock push through my back entrance.

Thank god Namjoon had the music on blast. Hopefully, it was drowning out my sounds.

I felt so fucking stretched. It stung a little. Biting my lip, I allowed my body to get used to the intruder. Thankfully, the displeasure was short-lived. Namjoon’s fingers hand made their way to my clit. He did his best to bring me full pleasure as he worked my ass.

My fingers went around his arm and my nails dug into his skin. He first moved at a snail’s pace. Once he felt my body loosen, he built some momentum.

After some time, his massive cock was finally halfway in, pumping in and out of me like a jackhammer. One hand came to my curly hair, wrapping his fingers around it and pulling my neck to the side so he could nip at my neck. His other hand was pressing onto my heat, stroking my clit to keep me in full ecstasy.

“You ready to cum soon?” His fingers sped up and his hips thrust hard into me.

I let out a loud wail, but his mouth swallowed me silently.

“We’re still in the hotel, baby,” he said once his lips pulled away from mine. “Can’t have anyone start knocking on that door.”

He was right. So many people were on this goddamn floor. And I would personally murder whoever would dare interrupt us.

His cock went further in. “You’re beautiful, baby,” he says almost in a prayer-like voice.

My body was shaking and close to nirvana. My heart swelled three times its size and words lingered behind my lips again. I felt something threatening to come out.

The two of us worked in unison, bringing each other to the cliff. I was working him just as much as he was working me. I enjoyed how we moved together. We went back and forth between gentle and rough and sometimes fell in between. Usually, towards the end, our primal instincts took over and gentleness almost flew out the window. Right now, we were nearing the edge.

“Come on, baby. Come on,” he growled into my ear. The sound of flesh against flesh is loud in the room. The liquids coming out of us added an exotic sound. He pumped his thickness into me with such power, such desire, and an unidentified emotion that almost felt foreign to me.

“Namjoon,” I sob out. My feelings were flying in every direction. I was about to lose it. I clutched onto his arm, needing him to ground me. But at the same time, I knew he was the reason I was close to shattering—close to losing all control.

“I’m here, baby,” he promised. “Cum for me.”

His body moved over mine, molding me. He fused both our bodies into one.

And it was at the realization that we were merging in more ways than one when he hit a special spot inside me. His fingers stroked my clit just right. And then I became untethered. Euphoria.

My walls squeezed him tight, never wanting him to leave. I came calling out his name.

And he was right at my heels, spilling inside me and breathing out my name.

It took moments for us to come down from our high. I was so exhausted.

He left me briefly, but only to collect a cloth so he could clean me.

We fell into a sleep, wrapped around each other.

That feeling in my chest was still there.

The words stayed behind my teeth, edging to escape.

Not now, I told them. It wasn’t time….

********

I heard my phone ring. Stupid me forgot to put it on silent mode. I hurried to turn it off before it could wake up Namjoon.

I intended to reject the call—no one sane would be calling me at this hour. However, at seeing the name on my screen, I jumped out of bed, grabbed Namjoon’s shirt on the nightstand, and locked myself in the restroom.

My mother never called at this time. She was always in bed early.

“Mamá?” I asked into the phone, worried and panicked.

“Did he rape you?” her voice sounded angry and irritated.

The question threw me off. It was not what I was expecting. Plus, I had woken up from two hours of sleep. “What?” I asked.

“Did he rape you?” she asked, her voice louder as she enunciated her words.

“What are you talking about?”

“I finally got to what happened two years ago with you. It took a lot of digging and threatening a lot of past interns and secretaries if they didn’t spill, but I got to the bottom of it." She was out of breath and angry. It was tough following her. "I know you met with Chad alone around the time your contract was getting close to expiring. I know he was supposed to be there with another executive but that other executive never made it to the meeting. You were supposed to be there with Ky but Yori went into early labor and he missed the meeting.” My mother was talking so fast, I could barely make out her words. However, I understood what she was saying; what she had discovered.

My mother didn’t think highly of herself academically speaking. She thought I didn’t think highly of her intelligence, but that was far from the truth. I had always been aware of my mother’s intelligence. She was clever and resourceful. She didn’t get to where she was now without having a brain like hers. I knew it was only a matter of time before she figured out who had been the executive who had assaulted me.

“Apparently, the female assistants in the company have stories of Chad being handsy with some of them. There have been some accusations that he has even raped a couple of them. The higher-ups, of course, have managed to cover it up, but that hasn’t stopped the women from sharing suspicion. Chad’s secretary at the time says you went into the meeting alone. She didn’t know about the rumors circulating Chad at the time since she was fairly new. She said you were fine when you went into the room, but less than an hour later, you came out looking disheveled. She thought you guys had finished having sex and coughed it up to you just being an easy lay. Your makeup was a mess. Your top was open. Your hair—”

****The top button popped off. His hand reached down. Took a grab. As if it was nothing. As if he had done this multiple times. As if it belonged to him.

He squeezed and I felt my skin crawl.

I wanted to reach over and push him off.

I wanted to get up. Run. Yell. Scream. Punch him.

I tried to remember the boxing moves my brothers and cousins and uncle had taught me.

But everything was blank.

I was glued onto the chair. I was frozen into place.

One of his hands was inside my bra and the other was on my hair.

Slobber stuck onto my cheeks and lips. It was like a frog was on me.

MOVE! I yelled internally at myself, but I didn’t listen. Why the fuck wasn’t I listening?!****

“Stop!” I screamed at my mother. I had already gone over these details in therapy. I had learned how to move past it. Or so I thought. Since coming back to LA, I was starting to question whether or not I had fully healed. The last session I had with Dr. Rob was over a year ago and I had thought I was better.

Maybe I had been wrong?

“What?” My mother’s voice pulled me back to the present.

“I don’t want to relive that,” I tell her, determined.

“I knew there was no way you would ever be caught in that kind of situation. But I had to make sure, so I called Chad. I painted out the same details to him and his reaction was all I needed to know what he did to you was not consensual.”

His words sent chills down my skin. “You talked to Chad?” The name came out of my lips and it tasted like vaseline.

“Well, what was I supposed to do?”

I felt an anger boil at my core. “Madre, I didn’t tell you so you could stick your nose where it didn’t belong. This is my issue. I’m the victim here, not you.”

“You’re my daughter—”

“Yes, I’m your daughter. So instead of thinking and acting on your emotions, think of fucking mine for a change.”

“Something has to be done about this. That asshole can’t get away with this. You have to report him.”

The thought of going to the police made me feel more uneasy. “Listen, this isn’t up for discussion. I’m hanging up.”

“We’re going to talk about it, Maya. I’ll come over to your house right now.” I was certain she meant it.

“I’m not at home, Madre. I’m over at a friend’s house.”

“I’ll be over next week, then,” she promised.

I let out a sigh and hung up on her before I fully came apart.

My hands were shaking and I was taking deep breaths to settle myself down.

How had I allowed my mother to bring me to this stage? It felt like it had just happened. Like I had just lived it. Shit, I should have never answered the phone. I should just block her from now on. Talking to her for too long makes me feel like a broken child. A weak, fragile, lost child.

I did my best to calm myself. It took a long time, but I refused to leave the bathroom until I was fully ok. I didn’t want this to ruin my last day with Namjoon. If he saw how upset I was, he would focus fully on me and wouldn’t get any sleep. And it was going to be a long trip for him. He needed to save his energy.

Finally, I came out of the restroom, feeling settled.

I found Namjoon sitting on the bed, fully awake, and his eyes on me. A look of concern was written on his face.

“Is everything ok?” he asked.

I nodded, climbing onto the bed and giving him a small smile. “Everything is ok. Just some small family drama. Nothing to worry about. Everyone’s healthy.”

His brows knitted together as he continued to look at me. “Are you sure? You don’t want to talk about it?”

“No, I just want to go to sleep,” I said, genuinely. I got under the covers.

“Do you want to talk about it in the morning, then?” he pressed.

“We have breakfast with the others in the morning. And then you have your flight pretty early,” I answered.

“So?” he sounded a little annoyed.

I tried to rationalize with him. “You need rest, Namjoon.”

He took a breath. “Ok. Will we discuss it tomorrow night then?”

“After a long day of travel and activities?” I asked, hinting I didn’t think it was a good idea.

“So, when do you think we’ll talk about it?” I quickly noted he was keeping his voice tightly controlled.

My heart quickened a bit, nerves kicking in. I strongly disliked thinking of the future. “I don’t know,” I said, my voice sounding low.

“Next month? Two months from now?” He was pushing, his eyes now digging into mine.

A feeling of intimidation came over me and made me look away. I didn’t know how to answer him. The thought of sharing with him the memory of when I never felt weaker and more worthless was unimaginable. I never wanted him to know that story.

He looked more than annoyed. “When are we going to get past this? Things with us are not new,” he said with finality. His jaw jutted forward, his chest back. He’d never been this angry with me before. “We’ve been together for 100 days. And every time I want to go further, this is what I’m met with: a wall. Also, when I bring up our progress and what our next step should be, you say the same thing: ‘It’s new. Let’s take it slow.’ How much slower are we going to take it?”

I sat there, not sure what to say that wouldn’t get him angrier at me.

“I mean, you can’t even tell the truth to your family about me,” he said.

This threw me off. Weren’t we passed the Thanksgiving incident? “I genuinely meant to tell my brothers, Namjoon,” I said as calmly as I could. “I didn’t keep you a secret from them on purpose.”

“It’s not just your brothers. What about your parents?” he challenged. “Seems like you have no interest in telling them. I heard you talking to your mom.”

Blood drained from me. Fuck. What had he heard?

“You told her you were at a friend’s house. Not boyfriend, but a friend’s.”

I was slightly relieved by this. It meant the worse he heard had been my mislabeling of him to my mother rather than discussing my sexual assault. I tried to keep my voice calm as I tried to explain myself to him. “Not everyone has an amazing relationship with their parents like you do, Namjoon. Some parents are fucked up.”

“I know you don’t have a great relationship with her, but why lie to me about it? You’re still holding back in telling me the whole truth about your relationship with your mom,” he rambled.

“What?” I asked, caught off guard. “I’ve told you everything there is to say about her. About both my parents. Do you want explicit details of the fights I heard? Of the violence I witnessed?”

He shook his head. “That’s not what I mean. There’s something else—something more when it comes to your mother. You left Los Angeles for a reason—it wasn’t just because of your ex. Something happened and you don’t want to tell me. I heard you discussing Chad. You got upset at your mom for talking about him. Chad was one of the executives at your label, I remember. What’s going on with him?” he asked in a demanding tone.

He had said his name. And he was upset with me. My anxiety was not faring well as I felt my palms start getting clammy. My heart rate accelerated.

I decided to go with some honesty. “You’re my best friend, Namjoon. I tell you almost everything. I’ve told you about my issues with my mother.”

The melty, cocoa eyes that made me feel alive so many times were now digging into me and making me feel pathetically small. “You haven’t told me everything. You’re keeping things from me. Including the real reason why you left. I thought eventually you would open up to me. As a friend, I accepted you keeping that secret. But we’re not just friends anymore. I want more. I need more.”

I didn’t know how to respond.

Almost like a sudden switch flipped, his eyes lost all the hardness in them. “Why are you keeping it from me? Do you not trust me?” he asked with a voice of genuine hurt.

Guilt began to make its way through me. “Of course I do!”

“Then what is it? Why can’t you take that step with me—open up?” his voice was edging towards desperation. “Our feelings are past taking things slow. I know you know it. This is when things have to leap forward. There is no backward; there is no freezing time.”

I tried to control my breathing and shaking. After a moment, I said, “I feel if we don’t take it slow, then we’re bound to make a mistake.”

His eyes lost their softness. Their sharpness came back. His chest huffed forward as if my pulled by my words. “Boundto?”

I was puzzled at his reaction and didn’t quickly respond.

“As in, you know it’s not going to work out? You don’t have hope for us?” There was a mixture of hurt and anger in his voice.

I regretted my use of words. “No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Then, what did you mean?” he demanded.

I took a breath, trying to think quickly of what I could say to make this better. “Every other relationship I’ve been on has ended badly. And I think it’s because I rush things. I can’t do that with you. I feel if we take things slow—if we take our time in getting completely serious, then we have a higher likelihood of being successful.”

His jaw clenched. He let out an exasperated breath as his dark eyes looked down at me with puzzlement and frustration. “You let me—” he stopped himself, looking as if he was inwardly reasoning with himself. He closed his eyes, shook his head, and turned away from me.

Something clawed at my heart seeing him like this. My words were driving him to such anger and I don’t know what it was that I had just said that made him look like he wanted to punch a wall.

“What?” I asked, my voice small but determined. As much as I feared to know the answer, I still wanted to know. When it came to Namjoon, I always wanted to know.

He didn’t speak, just kept his eyes away from me.

It felt like a knife was now pushing its way into the organ that kept the blood flowing through my veins. “What?” What had I done to cause him such disturbance?

He shook his head, taking some steps away from me. He walked towards the door. To get away from me.

My body jerked forward, acting on its own. “Don’t.”

I didn’t scream it out, but my voice wasn’t small either. It was said in a tone I had never made before. And it was enough to make him stop. His body instinctively turned back to mine, his eyes looking concerned at my tone.

“Don’t,” I repeated with the same voice.

He didn’t leave, but he didn’t walk back to me either. He was thinking—debating with himself. He was trying to figure out how to work through this. I did my best to wait patiently, despite how desperately I wanted to start groveling.

Please. Please. Please. Seeing his back towards me cracked something in me. If he left…I don't know what would become of me.

Finally, he took in a breath and looked straight at me. “Why are you with me, Maya?”

What kind of question was that? “What?”

“Why are you with me? Why do you want to be with me?”

Was he serious? “Because I like you.”

“But what is it about me that makes you want me as a boyfriend?” he challenged.

Did this have to do with his self-loathing? Is that what this was stemming from? Was Namjoon having an episode again—how had I missed it? “You’re kind and funny and smart,” I said in a rush, needing him to know that he was completely valuable. If he needed reassurance to crush his self-hatred, I would give it to him.

But Namjoon didn’t look moved. “Seokjin is all those things. Why not be with him?”

Honestly, it felt like I was experiencing whiplash. “What?”

“What makes me boyfriend material for you?”

“Namjoon, I don’t know where this is coming from—”

“Is it my friendship?”

“Yes.”

“You can have that with Hoseok. Do you like how you can relate to me musically?”

“Yes.”

“You can have that with Yoongi.”

“Namjoon, will you—”

“Are you with me only for sex?" His voice was full of hurt and pain. His eyes were wet and red with agony. "Because I’m a good lay?”

This left me at a loss for words.

It took a moment for him to speak again, still keeping full control of his tone. “What we just did is not something I’ve done many times. Certainly not with someone I’m just casually seeing. It’s a carnal act that I treasure. An act I don’t take lightly. I’ve had a couple of one-night stands, and they weren’t for me. I told you this. I’m no prude, but I don’t do certain things in the bedroom that are that intimate with just anyone. You’ve told me how open you are with past guys—whether it be one-night stands or serious relationships. You’ve given it up easily before, whatever. But I’m not that way. I can’t detach emotions from sex. And the fact that you don’t feel strongly for me and you did that with me…. I just don’t know how to feel about that.”

It felt like a knife was being injected into me. In so many words, he was telling me what he thought of me: I gave it up easily. I had let him take me up the ass without the emotion of love attached. I could think of the perfect word of what he thought I was….

“We started this wrong,” he said, further pushing the knife into me. “Sex should have come much later and I knew that. But like a fucking horndog, I gave in.”

I could throw up right now.

Tears began to make their way out of his eyes. “I can’t do this, Maya. I can’t be in a relationship where it’s just about sex. I want more. And I can’t even say we can go back to being friends because I can’t. I can’t and won’t go back to that. I respect myself too much.” He sniffed, his head low.

And he walked out.

The door closed with a soft click.

I was left alone with his words floating in the air.

He respected himself….

Himself.

He didn’t say he respected me.

A slut.

I could feel my anxiety tipping over the edge. I needed to get out of here quickly.

Stumbling out of the bed, I took off his shirt, putting on my spaghetti strap and bottoms. I had no idea where my second top had landed. I hurried to find my keys and got the hell out of there. I couldn’t find my shoes fast enough for my liking, so I left barefoot.

I looked like a whore who had just been fucked and used, walking down the halls barefoot and with only my skirt and spaghetti strap on. Tears had smeared all of my makeup. I looked like a goddamn wreck. My shoes and undergarments had been left behind. Security both gawked at me and looked away in shame.

The scene I was in was similar to two and a half years ago….

I felt nothing but humiliation. The sobs came fully down the moment the elevator doors closed.

__________________

Last note: Sorry that weekly posting is ending on this scene. I wish it had been a much happier one. 😖

Also, Happy Holidays, everyone. Be sure to look after your health during this time; be happy and merry. And if you have a mother like Maya or your family has similar toxic traits, do yourself a favor and cut them off. You deserve better. 🥰

___________

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

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#rm x maya #rm fanfic #bts rm #namjoon fanfic #kim namjoon x reader #bts fanfic #bts smut #fluff and smut #secret relationship #inthemiddleofthenight #kim namjoon #mother daughter relationship #trauma #Spotify

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