#happy birthday jessie - I hope everything goes well with you

[klauswalz]

You once tried to save my soul. I'm sorry there was never anything there worth saving.

happy birthday mattelektras

[guessimwritingficsagain]

To been seen, part Four (Frankie Morales x Reader)

Summary : You get a text. You freak out.

Author’s note : I am very very soft for Frankie.

Also, I have a few days off and I thought I have been really self-indulgent so : the cheese gift really happened to me (best birthday ever, he got me a Mont d'Or because he knew I had planned on eating one with my best friend to celebrate), the Edward Scissorchands movie thing really happened to me, and the "date" with the grandma too. In France, the Opera is often showed in movie theaters. When I was a teenager, I thought it was quite the event, though. So I got invited. Next thing we saw together with that guy was the movie Black Swan and I made sure someone was tagged along.

The holidays came and went in a blur of laughter, hot chocolate was big sweaters. You were happy. And Jessie was happy too. January came, and went, too. Everything was slow. So you watched the movie you’d bought, and a bunch of others too.

February was over before you knew it, and when March warmed up the air, you found yourself, one morning, looking at the screen of your phone like the message would disappear if you blinked. You turned your eyes to the cupboard that contained the empty box of chocolate that sat there, hidden from the sniggering remarks of Linda, and looked back at the screen. The text message was still there. You put the phone down, abruptly, fingers tingling and burning and went to get a glass of water. Your eyes landed on the bottle of wine, still unopened, and you almost spilled your drink. You went back to your phone in a hurry, opened the chat you shared with your friends and sent

Who the fuck gave Francisco fucking Morales my phone number ?????

You waited, breathing hard, hoping anyone would answer. Nothing came, not right away. Phone on the table again, you slumped on the couch, nervous breakdown on its way. You couldn’t do it, there was no way you could do that, you couldn’t, that would kill you, you wouldn’t survive this.

Time floated for a while, up until your phone vibrated and you jumped. You’d been so caught up in your thoughts you hadn’t noticed everyone had answer, Anna, Jessie and Linda with a simple « not me » but James …

James had sent a

Go get some

And an eggplant emoji.

James, then.

Okay.

Okay.

You were fine. You could answer a text. You knew the drill, by now. You knew how to pretend you were not freaking out every time Frankie did something unexpected and kind, like that time he offered you chocolate and a bottle of wine for Christmas. You had coping mechanisms, now, to hide the fact you had a doctorate in yearning.

You’d replayed the Christmas Scene so many times in your head you sometimes thought you made it up, but the reminders were there, in your flat.

You’re replaying it now.

You’re getting out of your car, with ten minutes to spare before work starts. It’s almost six. You spot Frankie’s truck on the parking lot and you’re a bit surprised but mostly delighted, even more so when you see the man himself jogging towards you. It takes you a minute to see he’s holding presents. By the time he gets to you, you’re confused. He smiles a breathy hello before handing you what he’s got in his hands. You stare at the neatly wrapped packages for a bit, like the dumbass you are, unable to put two and two together. Maybe it’s for Clara ?

It must be for Clara.

You take them. Say thank you. And Frankie answers :

« Open them. »

Your braincells must have left the building like God in Supernatural, gone off to do the Macarena dance somewhere very far away because all you can answer is what and you know you sound like a dumbass and you feel like one too.

The lack of reaction is getting to Frankie, you can tell, because he’s rubbing the back of his neck and you feel bad that he’s embarrassed so you say :

« You got me presents ? »

Well, except you don’t really say it. More squeal it. Or shriek it. You’re not sure. It feels like a repeat of that moment a boy you’d liked but never made a move on offered you fucking cheese on your birthday and was all embarrassed about it and you didn’t know what to do or say because his birthday had been a few days before yours and you didn’t get him anything.

You add, for good measure, because why the hell not :

« But I didn’t get you anything. »

Like maybe he’s going to take them back, or maybe the moment is going to rewind except you don’t want it to rewind because Frankie has gifts for you, just for you.

Maybe he got something for Jessie and Anna, too ? You wonder. And Linda. You know he goes there to buy books. Maybe he showed up and got her some stuff. Not books, you hope. Stupid to buy books to a bookseller.

All of this goes through your mind and in the meanwhile Frankie’s waiting and when you finally put your bag down on the hood of your car to carefully open the first present, your body finally moving, you don’t miss the sigh of relief that escapes Frankie. It’s a box of chocolate, a fancy one at that. You recognize the brand. You hold it for a while, before you set it down with your bag and say thank you in a voice that’s way too small. You open the second one, then. Wine. White wine. Wine that you actually love. Your favorite. You wonder how he knows that.

You’re holding the bottle the way he’s holding his breath : tight. You lift your eyes to meet his and you can tell he’s embarrassed and a bit blushing. He rearranges the cap on his head and announces :

« Merry Christmas. »

You say it back, smile so big your cheeks hurt because Frankie got you presents for Christmas. You put the bottle with the rest of your stuff and then, on a whim, you throw yourself at him for a hug. He closes his arms around you, and one hand comes up right between your shoulder-blades, his thumb just here, sitting on the back of your neck, skin against skin and maybe you’re dead and in heaven right now.

You stay like this way too long and at some point you mumble against his shoulder that you really didn’t get him anything.

« It’s fine », he answers as he lets go, hands squeezing your side briefly.

You get into work late.

And now, you got a text. You opened it, read it again.

Maybe you could do this. Maybe you could take it to the next level. After all, you’d became closer to the boys over the last two months. Santi could have sent you that text, right ? That text didn’t have the word date in it. Maybe you were friends now. Frankie’d gotten you Christmas presents, after all.

So you read the words again, and before you could talk yourself out of it, you sent a yeah, sure, I’m in !

Your eyes went over his message once again, just to make sure the words would be burnt into your brain.

Hey, it’s Frankie. I know Friday’s your day off this week. I got two tickets to that new Marvel movie and one with your name on it. You in ?

You could spend two hours in a dark room with Francisco Morales right next to you. No problem. None at all.

———

He’d picked a screening that ended around seven. Your mind supplied just in time for dinner, and you kicked the two remaining braincells you had. You’d decided to drive there separately and were now sitting next to each other, you explaining the Marvel timeline and him listening intently. You were a nerd, but, him, not as much. You didn’t try to think too hard about the fact that he was doing this for you, because he was not as much into comics or movies as you were.

The whole thing was pleasant and relaxed.

This was not a date, you reminded yourself.

You got dinner after that, dissecting the movie as you ate - nothing fancy, but it was nice. The conversation shifted, at some point.

« Yeah, I get what you mean : movies are not the place to make a move. Especially when there’s a hot guy on the screen. I mean, what chance do you get when you’re watching a movie and Oscar Isaac is right there ? » Frankie laughed.

You nodded, getting another sip of your drink, and, as an afterthought, added :

« You know, Santi kinda looks like Oscar Isaac … »

Frankie grunted :

« Never, ever, tell him that. »

You promised you wouldn’t. After that, the two of you told each other stories about your worst dates, and you remembered :

« You know, when I was younger, before I met James, I hung out with a bunch of guys. I was like, fourteen, and they were sort of … beginning to understand I was a girl, you know. There was this guy, a good friend of mine, who actually told this other guy we weren’t going to see a movie. I remember, it was a special screening of Edward Scissorshands. So, my other friend never showed up and the guy told me he couldn’t make it. »

« Let me guess, the other guy told you later he thought you weren’t going ? »

You laughed.

« Yeah, basically. And then this guy I went to see the movie with invited me to a really fancy thing. It was a Wednesday afternoon, I remember. We got lunch. I didn’t pay for anything because he’d invited to come along with him and his grandma. Let me tell you : after that, I made sure to always have someone with us when he invited me somewhere. »

Frankie’s laugh was something you’d never grew tired of, you knew that.

———

Months went on, like that, with you and Frankie hanging out to see movies, and everybody showing up for Benny’s fight when you could (Jessie and you had to keep James updated, those nights, because he’d gone back to Washington after new year’s eve but wanted to know everything). Jessie had started dating a guy, at some point, and you didn’t find him that great but Will hated him.

« When are you gonna make a move ? » You asked, one evening as you were sipping beers with him at his place.

« When she doesn’t have a boyfriend dull as dishwater » He answered without missing a beat.

You knew this was the moment, then. You had two options : say nothing and let things be, or say something and get those idiots together. You thought hard, about the phrasing of your next sentence, and settled with :

« For you, she’d dump him. »

Will froze at that, just for a second, and quipped back :

« I’ll make a move when you make a move on ‘Fish. »

So that conversation was happening. You’d hoped none of the guys had noticed but obviously, at least one of them had. And you knew, by now, that his ex-wife had left him, had left Maria too. You knew he was available. You sputtered a bit and Will, kind Will, let it be. You enjoyed a nice evening with him, not once wondering why he sought you out, because Will and you didn’t hang out.

The answer came a few days later, with a simple text from Frankie.

Come over please

———

« I need you to take care of Maria », Frankie said as he opened the door. He looked really tired, like he hadn’t slept in days.

Please, he added, begging but you didn’t quite understand what he was begging for.

You complied, never stopping to think that this was the first time you saw Maria, never stopping to think about what might be possibly happening, even as Frankie went to his room, muttering apologies. It hit you when you put the girl to bed, and you remembered Frankie and the way he’d been looking at you that day, when he’d asked if they could throw a birthday party for their late friend’s daughter.

It was around that time, last year.

You walked hesitantly towards Frankie’s bedroom and stared at the white paint in it for a while. You were nervous, and actually turned around to smoke a cigarette outside, the air a bit too chilly for you, but cold enough to wake you up and give you the strength to walk to Frankie’s bedroom and knock.

So you did it.

He didn’t answer, but, feeling bold - or rather, feeling like you needed to do it - you opened the door anyway. The room was almost dark, the moonlight giving you an idea that Frankie was curled up, on his side. You put a hand on his shoulder. He put his on top of yours. You chose - you chose - to take it at a silent invitation, lifted the covers, and got, fully dressed, right next to him. Because friends do that.

———

When you woke up, he was staring at you. While your brain tried to make sense of the situation, you asked, voice heavy with sleep :

« What time is it ? »

Seven, Frankie answered. Maria’s gonna wake up soon, he added. You were too tired to say anything else, because when you’d laid down next to him you’d felt like your heart had been about to burst so you’d just listened to him, his breath steadying as he’d got to sleep. You’d finally got to sleep too, but it was too damn early for you.

Later, you’d blame what happened on your foggy brain : you snuggled closer, and Frankie let you. Then, it hit you. At that moment, right next to him, it hit you : you were not friends with him. You were pretending to be, but you were not and never would.

You couldn’t.

You wanted to wake up everyday like that, to Frankie telling you it’s seven, Maria’s gonna be awake soon. You wanted everything and friends just wouldn’t cut it.

Two things happened at once, then : you were realizing how much you liked - loved - Frankie when he gently took one of your forearm and brought it to his lips. All of the feelings hit home just as he was kissing the soft skin on your wrist and you froze.

He saw it and let go immediately, muttering apologies, while you were still processing what you felt about him. When you reached to grab him, to tell him how good that was and how wanted him to do it again, it was already too late.

[k-hiphopshit]

You Are A Goddess (Jay Park x Reader)

 hey guys... what’s up? how’s it going? let’s just cut to the shit, i felt nostalgic and started reading the imagines i used to port and I want to start writing again so...here goes nothing, this was requested by anon probably years ago i’m sorry baby for taking this long but I hope they see this and like it

Jay was a very handsome and charismatic man, you met him when you had gotten a job as Joon Kyungs a.k.a Dok2 personal assistant, so that meant you had to make a tons of phonecalls to other artists and people in the industry to confirm, arrange or cancel and inform about all types of things.

Jay was a bit stunned when he heard your voice over the phone, he could hear your smile, you sounded like you were really happy and excited for something and since he was drowning in responsibilities it was a breath of fresh air to hear someone talk in such a soothing and positive way. When he found out you were calling on Kyung’s behalf he got in contact with him and asked him about you

“Oh (y/n), she is my star right now, she is on top of everything and i’ve never met a person that is smiling genuinely so much”

After a few weeks joon kyung hosted an event for his birthday which meant you were in charge of pretty much everything and had to make sure everything went smoothly and exactly how your boss requested it. You saw Joon Kyung waving you over, he was with Dong gab and two other men you hadn’t personally met but you knew of them, well it wasn’t that hard since it was the infamous Jay Park and Simon D

“(y/n) let me introduce you to my good friends Jay Park and Kisok”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, I am a big fan of your music and achievements”

“Thank you, that means a lot. We’ve been also hearing a lot of good things about you as well”

Jay took the lead and tried to stall the conversation as much as he could. As soon as you walked over to them he felt your positive aura that was so addictive, you seemed so grounded and so effortlessly put together it was fascinating for him, since in his industry they were so many people that tried so hard to seem like something they aren’t and were never meant to be it was a nice fresh tone to be around someone that seemed authentic.

“I’m sure he is exaggerating as always, but i’ll gladly take any compliment I can get”

-

After that Jay pursued you, he wanted to be around you, listen to you talk, he craved that comfortable and inviting aura you exude, not too long after that you started dating and not too long after that you were puking like you had been possessed by a Demon.

Jay was so excited about the baby, of course he was shocked at first and very scared since he had so many people depending on him that he was on call 24/7 with everyone and a child is a big responsibility, however in his eyes he couldn’t wait to be blessed by you with such gift, you would bring a life into this world, a beautiful combination of him and you and how could he deny himself such heaven?

He made sure you had everything you needed at any time, he was there at every doctors appointment, he was there when you needed some help to put your shoes on, baking and making all kinds of crazy recipes that you craved and of course he was there when you gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Kyung Mi.

Yet not everyone shared his excitement, the media were ruthless and the fans were not pleased to say the least, their idol and a well known bachelor was suddenly not only in a relationship but also was having a baby. Your face was plastered all over the tabloids and of course they started digging up your past. While you were still pregnant Jay made sure to hide as much as he could, after you gave birth not only you started seeing more and more of it what also did not help was the extra weight you had gained and it seemed to be very stubborn,

“What are you doing? it’s 3 am?”

Jay had just walked in after a concert, expecting to find his girlfriend and baby girl sleeping, on the contrary he found you exercising and doing crunches at the living room with the baby monitor right next to you.

“Exactly, which means is the only time I can work out without Mi needing something”

He had noticed how you started eating less, always talking about new healthier recipes and it wasn’t the first time he had caught you working out in the middle of the night. He huffed and walked towards you as he sat down on the floor while you kept going with your work out

“Baby you’ve been staying up late to work out more and more”

“Don’t start Jay, you just got home as well”

“I had to work”

“Yes, so did I Jay. But now I have a family to take care of”

He bit his lower lip in a settle way to hold back his words. He knew how much it hurt you that you were staying home since you loved your job so much, of course Kyung understood and told you that when you feel ready to come back the spot is yours. Still, you felt in complete, nothing was the same anymore, you didn’t fit in your clothes, your breasts were swollen and bruised since Kyung Mi was starting to bite and of course the waking up in the middle of the night from the crying did not help either. Jay tried to help as much as he could , unfortunately he couldn’t drop everything and stay home so he understood your frustration.

“How about we take a shower together? We are both sweaty and we can... help each other”

“You can go first”

That also was a part of your new life, you wanted to have sex with Jay... who wouldn’t the problem wasn’t him it was you, you felt fat and ugly and just wanted to cover up and go to bed.

Jay was of course very supportive and expressed his feelings for you every day, that didn’t change the way you saw yourself even when you wished it did. Jay sighed and got up from the floor, leaving you be and getting lost in his own thoughts.

He had to do something and he had to do it quickly. Some how some way there was something he could do that would help you, of course that meant he needed advice from a woman and preferably someone that knew you.

-

“What’s going on big papa?”

Jessi teased as she picked up the phone. You and Jessi had gotten closer over the years and she was someone you used to go out with very often, so Jay thought maybe she had any good ideas.

“Hey, I need your help with something”

“I hope you didn’t hurt my baby (y/n), you owe her after pushing a baby out of her”

“No i didn’t do anything. She’s been very distant lately, she seems to be kind of sulking because of the baby weight and it has taken such a big toll on her”

“Well yeah i’m sure it did, have you tried like having a conversation?”

“yes but she is shutting me out, blaming me about not helping her and missing her job”

“Oh man, Let me see what I can come up with”

-

Jessi was a Saint sent straight from heaven. Her plan was brilliant, she went over the house at 10 a.m and pretty much kicked you out and send you at a well known spa and resort as a “god mother gift” where she had planned a full boy massage and a facial, as well as a sauna and yoga. You haven’t felt this relaxed in a while, letting someone take care of you and not having to worry about the baby crying and if she needs a diaper change was something she desperately needed. 

After everything she was led to a room that had a big package with a beautiful pink bow and a letter. As she opened it she immediately recognized the hand writing.

“To my baby mama,

Take a sweet nap and in 3 hours a hair and make up artist will come to get you all dolled up for our dinner. 

I love you,

your baby daddy”

You smiled and chose to not open the box yet, you left it to the side and laid down on the bed smiling brightly at the letter he had left you. You knew he cared but it was still nice to see that he really did try.

As the letter promised a hair and make up artist came and hooked you up with the good stuff, they made you look like a person you hadn’t see in a while. You went for a nice soft gold eye make up and a red lip and you hair just a nice blow out but it was just so refreshing to finally look like your old self. Then came the the time to finally open the box and of course what was inside was absolutely stunning

It was tight around your stomach which you did not love and it did put you down a little bit but since you had nothing else to wear you just pushed it in the back of your mind, he had even bought your favorite perfume to wear and of course you noticed the lack of undewear in the box.

As you walked in the hotels restaurant you noticed nobody else was in here other than the servers and Jay. He got up and offered you a single red rose

“Milady”

You giggle as you took it and gave it a little sniff. You couldn’t hold back and went in to hug him, which he wanted to do as well.

“You look ravishing baby”

“Thank you, you look handsome as well”

He pulled back your seat and as you sat down he placed a gentle kiss on your shoulder right on top of the extremely thin spaghetti strap of your dress before taking a seat directly in front of you.

“Tonight is not about me beautiful, tonight is dedicated to you. The sexiest woman on the planet”

“Oh please, maybe after I love half of what I weight”

“Baby why are you putting yourself down? You know I would love you no matter what you weight right?”

You bit your lip. You knew Jay loved you, it was just you that felt insecure and almost like you were holding him back from everything, his career, his friends, everything had changed now and you felt responsible for it, the reason that you were so good at your job was that you took responsibility for everything so naturally it happened now as well.

“I know it’s just, I feel like I’m holding you back”

“What? What do you mean?”

“You were supposed to have a world tour this year and you cancelled it, as well as many other performances cause you wanted to come to doctors appointments”

“Exactly, I chose to cancel them baby, I wanted to be there”

“Yes but... I don’t know I just feel like I’m a burden, also I’ve gain weight and I feel... ugly”

There was a silence after that, since the waiter came and placed the food in front of you. You looked down at your feet, embarrassed and also a bit nervous of what Jay would say, after the waiter walked away Jay got up from his seat and kneeled in front of you, placing his one hand on top of yours and the other reached your chin so you can meet his eyes.

“You are one strong woman you know that? You loved me unconditionally and you gave me a beautiful child, sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve such a person in my life, you are no longer a woman to me... you are a Goddess. That’s why I don’t think i’ll find a more perfect time to do this”

“Do what?”

He reached for his pocket and pulled a small red velvet box. As soon as you saw it you started tearing up and your breathing stopped. Jay looked at you once again, he was saving it for the end of the meal but now it just seemed such a perfect moment.

“(Y/F/N) will you do me the absolute honor and let me your husband?”

“yes”

you whispered as you bot got up and went for a passionate kiss letting your feelings flow and the tears roll down your cheek. You were so happy, finally after so long you felt the connection you had with him before the baby, you missed this pure raw bond you shared, the passion flowed after so many months of complete drought.

“You are so pretty even when you cry”

You laughed once again as you gently wiped your tears not to mess your perfectly applicated make up. He slipped the ring on your finger and kissed your hand 

“Let’s eat and then I can take my dessert in the bedroom”

“Can’t wait mister Park”

[seacafes]

disney channel is going downhill: a rant.

    Growing up in the early 2000s, I feel as though as a child, I witnessed the peak of Disney Channel entertainment. Hannah Montana, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, and That’s So Raven were just a few of the wonderfully relatable and entertaining shows I watched as a kid.  The shows that Disney channel used to play tackled feminism, racism, body positivity, and had very diverse casts. The Disney Channel of the early 2000s sent some very positive messages to its young viewers long before we were old enough to understand how much we needed them. While a few newer kids shows may have some positive lessons or anecdotes in their episodes, the older shows seemed to more actively seek out opportunities to enlighten young audiences about what it means to be strong, well-rounded, and confident, no matter what their situation may be.

    Back then, we had “That’s So Raven”, that not only featured a black female lead who was as bold as she was hilarious, was also unafraid to tackle issues like body shaming and racism in ways that felt natural. Raven taught us that people come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, and that we’re all beautiful. This shows in Season 2 Episode 8 of the show, released in April 2004, where Raven is excited over a vision of herself modeling her own clothes for a fashion show, until the magazine that sponsors it photoshops someone else's body over hers. Her body has been altered, and she appears much thinner than she really is. She is upset that her own body was not used, and also that the head of the agency only believes that there is only one look for all models. The fashion show director didn’t want Raven to model because she thought she was “plus size.”, and that apparently wasn’t good enough. In the end Raven  stands up for herself and proves that it’s what’s on the inside that really counts, not the outside.

    The channel also had a similar episode on Season 2 Episode 34 of the show the Suite Life of Zack and Cody, released in March 2007, where London and Maddie get insulted by Francesca (one of London's rich friends) while trying on clothes for a fashion show that they would both be participating in and then, after taking what she said and looking at themselves in a mirror that distorts their images (which can be seen as a reference to body dysmorphic disorder), both London and Maddie decide that they need to handle their weight issues before participating in a fashion show. London vows to lose weight and Maddie decides she must eat more to avoid being underweight. After London starves herself to the point of dizziness, while doing continuous laps around the hotel lobby, and Maddie has eaten several fast food burgers in a single day, the two prepare for the show, though as a result of their extreme methods, they both mess up their chance on stage. Afterwards, they discover that even London’s “perfect friend” Francesca has been stuffing her bra. This causes the two girls to agree that they are perfect the way they are, because nobody's perfect, saying, ‘What were we thinking? We were starving and stuffing ourselves, and we didn’t even need to do it. We should just be happy with the way we look. Next time one of your snarky friends makes a comment, let’s remind ourselves that we are perfect just the way we are.”

    Along with tackling physical issues, Disney Channel had shows and movies with strong leading roles played by women like Kim Possible and Wendy Woo from "Wendy Woo Homecoming Warrior" that taught us that girls can be tough and powerful too. Lizzie McGuire was so feminist that "subtle" isn't even an appropriate adjective. The show regularly dealt with the pressures of gender stereotypes, while exploring exactly what it meant to be a young woman exploring her identity.. It had Alex Russo from Wizards of Waverly Place, a character full of confidence, smarts, and wit, who constantly surpassed the low expectations that society had set for her in the show. Her deep exploration of her identity could get pretty inspiring. Kim Possible taught some important feminist life lessons by teaching young women that it's totally cool to be a sassy overachiever, and you don’t have to be a man to be a hero.

    All of these shows show that even though things might not be so good right now, everything will be okay in the end. They taught us how to react in certain situations, and how to handle the really hard ones. I still think back to episodes from my childhood when I find myself in a situation similar to one that I saw in one of my beloved shows, and because of them, I know what to do to make everything okay, or at least easier.

    In the early 2000s, it felt as though disney were ahead of their time. Many people like to claim, and I agree, that 2010 was when everything began to go downhill. In Season 1 Episode 7 of the show Shake it Up released in December 2010, the two main character’s Rocky and CeCe attend a party, where they are serving food to the supermodel guests. While serving, a supermodel approaches them and says, “You are adorable! I could just eat you guys up. You know- if I ate.” And goes on to laugh with her entourage. Former Disney Star Demi Lovato, who had left her own show “Sonny With A Chance” to deal with her own struggles with an eating disorder, tweeted about the joke, “I find it really funny how a company can lose one of their actresses from the pressures of an eating disorder and yet still make joke about that very disease,” Demi noted at the time, referencing her own very public battle with the disease. She also asked, “What are we promoting here? #notfunnyATALL.” This episode was a sad thing to see, seeing as in the past, we had Raven Baxter, London Tipton, and Maddie Fitzpatrick teaching us that jokes like that were not okay. That same year, in Season 1 Episode 9 of So Random!, more eating disorder jokes were said. In one of the sketches, a girl has her boyfriend meeting her family for the first time. She tells them, “Angus only eats one full meal a week ask him why” to which Angus replies, “My agents always on me about looking my best. She says to me “Ang-y, if you eat too many carbs, you won’t get the jobs. And I said “I knooow”.” But that’s not all! In an episode of Dog with a Blog (which, yes, is about a talking dog who runs a blog), the mother says, “I've been bitten, scratched, mauled, and puked on. And only one of those was self inflicted." implying that she made herself throw up, making light of the eating disorder, bulimia. If you didn’t think it could get worse- you’re in for a surprise! In an episode of the show Jessie, a character in a Zebra costume can be seen running away from a zebra. The zebra ends up catching him, and one of the kids witnessing the attack calmly states, “dressed like that, you were asking for it.” Why was that comment needed on a children’s show, Disney? What message are you trying to portray there? That if you dress a certain way, you’re “asking for it”? I don’t think so.

    Nowadays, the shows are filled with fake jokes and contrived situations that no one can believe or relate to. The kids in the shows wear tons of makeup and layers upon layers of fancy clothes. Miley Stewart only wore lots of makeup when she was performing as Hannah Montana. Even Sharpay Evans of East High had all the glitz and glam, but she wasn't over the top with makeup and her clothes.Why are the kids in shows like "Liv and Maddie" and "Jessie" dressing like adults and acting like they have real world adult problems; it seems like they've just skipped over their innocent childhood years.

    Along with continuously being problematic and lacking real lessons for the audience to learn, current Disney Channel shows also lack substance. Every show is the same! Looking at the shows now, the actors & actresses look more materialistic and over the top. The channel now has unrealistic storylines, where as the shows in the 2000’s had real-life storylines that were more relatable to us. Even the character’s themselves now lack substance, and with most show’s you can easily point out the stereotypical “smart kid”, “dumb kid”, “popular kid”, etc.

    Luckily, Disney has attempted to redeem themselves with show’s such as Girl Meets World, a remake of the infamous Boy Meets World, which tackles similar issues to the ones seen in older Disney shows that we all know and love. That show got cancelled after only a few seasons though, unfortunately, but Disney then released the show Andi Mack, which is about a girl named Andi who on her 13th birthday discovers that her sister is actually her mother who had her when she was young.  One of the main characters also recently came out as gay, and I hope that this trend will continue on with more Disney Channel shows in the future. But, I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

    Like the great Hannah Montana once said, Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days, everybody knows what I’m talking about, everybody gets that way. Nobody’s perfect, and I wish Disney Channel would remember that, instead of shoving show’s about a dog who runs a blog down children’s throats. Not to mention how they let a horribly problematic YouTuber influencing the youth of today with his wildly inappropriate content on to one of their shows, but that’s a whole other rant for another day.

[tenthdoctor-allonsy]

In case of emergency, have a birthday party

Summary: On her 11th birthday, Jessica had a lot of moments she will certainly not forget. From her first crush to a nice gift from Uncle Rhodes, she is reminded that her family will always be there for her. This is set Pre-Iron Man 1. Word Count: 4248 Notes: This text is part of a series about a character called Jessica Stark who is the daughter of Tony Stark with a deceased journalist. It's the first time I post something about her and this is pretty much a thermometer to me on what do you think of her. My plans are to post her main story which is set during the first Avengers movie later on. I've been putting her from my head onto words since 2012, so right now I'm writing a series of different events on her life to settle her as an actual person and not just a character that exists in one single story. Hope you like her as much as I do and all thoughts about her are appreciated.

It was Jessica's 11th birthday. The girl didn't have many friends since she was homeschooled from an early age. Her friends were from some classes she attended, her neighbors and some children of her father's friends. There was also Pepper's family which she constantly visited, so the party had some of Pepper's cousins running around. Oh, yeah, the party, let’s talk about that. It was a restaurant with the view of the Santa Monica beach. This was an early night and the restaurant led to a private portion of the beach reserved only for them. It had a few light poles made of wood and the whole party followed a sea theme. There were live music and magicians at one corner, the first ones playing tunes and songs requested by the guests. The waiters and waitresses were dressed as Hawaiians and the sand was covered with flowers petals. And finally, the cake sitting on the big table placed right in the middle of the environment they were in, it had the format of a shell - specially made for this event. Even though the party had a lot of people working on it to make it work, it didn't have many guests. And those were divided by small groups, sitting in specific tables.  

These groups were, as the young birthday girl would classify them: Cool adults, which consisted of Pepper Potts (her father's P.A. and the woman she considered to be her mother after the passing of her real mom), Happy Hogan (the family's security guard and chauffeur, also family to her), Uncle Rhodes (Colonel James Rhodes, her father's best friend who was very funny and she really liked him), Ms. Connolly (her tutor and her French teacher), Ms. Riverdale (she worked at Stark and was usually at her house discussing work things with her father), Mr. Porter (her piano teacher) and, finally, Tony Stark, her father and CEO of Stark Industries. There was also a woman she didn't know very well, but her dad said she was family and important, so she was coming. Her name was Peggy Carter, an old British lady who was surprisingly very sweet. It appears she worked with her grandfather, and Jessie actually liked her because sometimes it seemed that everything related to her Grandpa and Grandma was dead, but Peggy wasn't. Therefore, she was cool - so she belonged in this table. Next in the list, the children's table. And that wasn't really a table, there were a lot of cushions over a free-sand area, so the little ones could sit and be comfortable. It was close to the cake and it had a lot of toys and gadgets to play with. Apart from Jessica Stark, the birthday girl, there were a few children. Well, specifically, eight. Two of them were Andrew and Angela, Pepper's cousins with whom Jessie would spend some time when she visited Pepper's family. The other two were her neighbours, Catherine and Rachel, who played with her frequently at her place. And the last four were children of her father's friends. Investors, people who they visited in many of their trips abroad and who she ended up playing with and talking eventually. But among those last four, there was was someone special. That person was named Erik Gillespie, a tall handsome boy with blue eyes and black hair in which she had a big crush on. Erik was the son of Mr. Gillespie, head of Gillespie Inc. located in Italy. Jessie visited their mansions several times when her father traveled there to talk business. He used to bring her around to get to know the city and the house. He spoke Italian, French, English, Spanish and played the guitar gorgeously. Every time that boy was near her, her heart pounded faster. She was too shy to talk to Pepper about him, but she was sure when she pulled Rachel and Cath by the side, whispering.

“D'you guys remember that boy I talked about once? Erik?” She quickly said.

“Italian Prince Erik?” Cath answered with a low voice. “Is he here?”

“Oh my God, Prince Erik is here and the party is sea themed. I'm so jealous and freaking out right now.” Rachel unfortunately, didn't know how to keep it quiet.

“Shhh, Rachel! He's gonna hear you!” The Stark one exasperated, looking over her shoulder to check on any unwanted attention to the three of them. “What do I do?”

“What do you mean?” Cathy frowned.

“Do I tell him I like him?” Jessica asked.

“No! I mean, I don't know.” Rachel shrugged. “I mean, I wouldn't.” The girl looked down at her phone.

“You should ask him out. Or... I don't know. Show him the city like he does to you when you’re there.” Catherine suggested sitting down on a yellow cushion.

Jessie nodded, surprised. “You always have good advice, Cathy. Different than other people.”

“Oi!” The blonde one, Rachel, complained, throwing an empty soda can on the girl.

“Jessie, dear, it's time to cut the cake.” Pepper approached them instantly put an end to their conversation.

So Jessica followed the red-headed woman while she walked around the room, passing by the table we didn't talk about yet: boring adults. Basically Tony Stark's investors and partners, parents of the children we talked before. Including, Mr. Gillespie - you know who. Tony was sitting at that table right now with Monica Riverdale, both of them laughing at some joke the girl didn't hear. Her father had a glass of whiskey in one hand and the other arm was wrapped around Riverdale’s shoulders. The entire table was noisy and happy - a little too happy that concerned both Pepper and Jessie. The girls knew Tony and those type of people too well to know when they started to get drunk. And Mr. Stark had been holding a glass since he arrived.

Pepper led the girl close to the 'seashell cake' and tapped a glass with a spoon so the chinking noise would get the attention of everybody. “Listen, everybody, it is time to wish this big girl a Happy Birthday!”

“Hey!” Tony spoke out load and got up, tumbling toward both women. “Happy Birthday to you…” He chanted as he approached them and everybody followed. “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday…” Her father, now in front of her, kneeled on one knee and grabbed a flower from inside his jacket - the same flower that was decorating the tables - with a smirk and then a grimace that made the girl laugh. “dear Jessie…” And as she took the flower, he kissed her on the forehead. “Happy Birthday to you.”

The girl looked around and smiled, taking the scene in. She usually complained that she didn't go to school and didn't have many friends like a normal child would. She would daily complain about how much pressure she had just because her father was who he was, and that he was always busy doing something else. But the girl actually liked her little unusual life. It was in moments like this where she realized she complained too much. Well, she wouldn’t stop, but at least right now she felt everything was alright and she had a small family that loved her. Pepper, Happy and Rhodes, all of them were so nice and always there. Even her father - who was always little drunk and sometimes a pain in the ass, she loved him too.

Tony stood by her side and Pepper stepped up to cut the cake. As the woman sliced the knife into the seashell, a surprise. Inside it, just like an oyster, something shiny waited for her. The woman took it and handed it to Jessie, who was so excited that quickly opened the tiny box to see what was lying inside.

A necklace, a silver necklace with a round pendant and a small button on it. She pressed the button and one side of the pendant lighted up with an image - a hologram of three people: Herself, her father and her mother. The holographic woman looked older to what Jessie last remembered of her, but she knew the warmth of those hazel eyes. And, oh boy... she did miss them.

“She’d look like this if she were here today,” Tony said in a low voice with a small smile. The three of them looked so happy in that hologram that she felt like crying. And the girl knew she would hold that thing close to her heart forever. But she wouldn't cry in front of everyone. And certainly not in front of Erik. “She’d be proud.” “Thank you, Dad.” Jessica hugged him as he ducked and she buried her little face in the man’s chest. Tony stood up and lifted up her daughter in the air, kissing her head. She let out a few tears that were absorbed by his navy blue blazer. “I really loved it.”

Pepper stood by their side waiting with a plate in her hand, handling it to Jessie once she was back on the ground and out of her father’s grip. “Now the first piece of cake.”

The little one cleared her throat, making up her mind and taking a deep breath. “The first piece of cake goes to..”, she turned to the side and looked at the tall young boy with black hair and blue eyes but her plan was interrupted by another man with black hair and the slight smell of alcohol at her side.

“Her father, the man who paid for this party and hopefully the only important man of your life until you're 30.” All adults in the room laughed and the girl let Tony take the cake of her hand with a sigh of disappointment.

“Now the second piece,” She raised her voice above the laughs, “goes to Erik Gillespie.”

The laughter quickly stopped, like a wave. Actually, another sort of laughter grew. “Because he is really... nice.” Jessica added, trying to conceive her embarrassment while Erik stood up, walking to her and taking the plate from her hands with a smile that made her legs weaken. Tony cleared his throat and walked back to the table he was before. “I've got my eyes on you, buddy. ‘m having a chat with your father right now, so you better keep it in your pants.”

With that, Jessica really wanted to shout at her father, and the familiar emotional moment passed. So the party went on. Everybody went to the conversations they were before, yet Jessie couldn't seem to relax. She wanted to go down and talk to Erik, but she was strangely afraid. But well, the first step had been hers, after all. So she was going to wait a bit more before doing anything. And the minutes went by as the girl played with other children and spoke to some of the adults. Erik was more reserved but very observant of his surroundings. He spent a long time talking to another kid a bit older than the others there, Ezekiel Stane. Zeke was the son of Obadiah Stane, the man who ran the company alongside Tony and someone Jessie never really actually liked. He was always cold and he seemed… fake. It was like he was always pretending to be nice and like her when he actually wasn’t. Pepper usually said it was something of her head and that Obie was really nice and he took care of Tony when Grampa died but, well. There are some things we can’t explain.

Lastly, a few people had already left and the part was getting to the boring part. Jessie found her way to the “cool adults” table, sitting next to her teachers and Aunt Peggy. She really liked that last woman but didn’t actually know why. Sometimes it seemed like she looked at her and her father with the sort of look she’d seen only in other grandmas to their grandchildren. It felt like Peggy was the only thing there was left of her grandparents, so the girl usually tried to ask her things about them since it was a matter they never talked at home. And after a few minutes of conversation, someone came by the table, interrupting them.

“I’m sorry, Jessica and Mrs…”

“Carter.” The woman answered the good-looking boy with a smile, her eyes going to Jessie with a bit of amusement on them. Then, she let out a smirk. “I think the two of you have a lot to talk about.” She got up after some effort and caressed Jessie’s hand. “I’ll go check on your father.”

“I just wanted to.. thank you for the cake.” Erik cleared out his throat, hands in his pockets.

And as the elder woman stepped away, the girl’s eyes went to the person in front of her. “You’re welcome.” She shrugged, trying to hide away the butterflies in her stomach.

He smiled back. And… That was it.

Silence from both parts. She was staring at his shirt and his eyes were fixed on her necklace.

“I just wanted to give something to you in return. Cause you’re always so nice when we go visit you.” The words of the last sentence were laid out quickly like it was a hot potato. Her eyes rose up for a few seconds just to check if he was looking at her, and Erik tilted his head with a smile in return.

“I’m just polite. It’s the least I can do for our guests.” He shrugged.

Ouch. Was he being indifferent? She started to wonder if Erik even felt the same for her as she did for him. But then why was he here talking to her? What was it for? And what would her father do in such case? He was so good at making people like him. Well, women mostly - but most people in general. “Maybe I can show you around the city? This is my place after all.” She looked up to him with an attempt to replicate her father’s confidence. “Then you could go to my house afterwards.”

The boy let out a small laugh passing his fingers on his hair. Jessie held her instant reaction to not sigh at that beauty in front of her. “I’d have to check with my parents when we’re leaving. But if there is time, I’d love to let you take me out for a ride.”

“Erik!” Mr. Gillespie called out from the table he was sitting. “We’re leaving.”

“Gotta dash. I’ll let my PA tell yours know if your date is up. Tomorrow max.” His eyes went from his father back to her.

“No prob.” Jessie shrugged, wanting to sound just as indifferent as he did before.

“See ya, Jess.” He kissed her on the cheek and ran towards his father.

Thing is - she wasn’t expecting the kiss. So she just froze there for almost a minute with her hand over where his lips touched until Pepper showed up.

“Jessica, your father just left.” The woman was clearly furious. “Yes. He left you behind in the day your birthday. Listen, uh...the kids are basically all gone and I promised my mom I’d take the cousins back home before midnight. We can go home and then do something fun there, what’d you think?”

“Is Happy going with you?” Jessie asked with a disappointed voice. Her father promised they would have an amazing afterparty. She was going to be up super late and having fun with her dad, maybe they’d watch a movie or go somewhere she didn’t know yet. The only thing now was that they weren’t. Oh, super.

“Yep.” The red-headed nodded in an affirmative response.

They would’ve gone bowling, or to the movies, or maybe golf. Or none of those, cause he just left with Ms. Riverdale. And the worst of all is that this situation was so common that she wasn’t even mad. She was just... disappointed. Not surprised at all. “I don’t wanna go home now,” Jessie complained. “I’ll stay behind.”

“Yeah, alone? Not gonna happen.” Pepper had her purse in one her hand, not looking like she wanted to discuss the subject.

“Yeah, it is happening. It’s my birthday.” The girl stated, convicted.

“The party is over, Jessica.”

“But the after party didn’t even start yet.” Somehow it became a dispute? Yeah, in Jessica’s mind, it was now a matter of ego.

“Hey girls, excuse me. I can take care of the birthday lady and then take her home afterwards.” James Rhodes put himself into the conversation, hands up and a smile as he was trying not to be yelled at.

“You don’t have to, Rhodey.” Pepper calmly answered. Her eyes were stiff and they glared at Jessie like she was ready to fight if necessary.

“Tony left with Amanda, right?” Rhodes got closer and put his hand on Pepper’s arm, calling the woman’s attention to him. “Go get some rest. It’s no big deal, really.”

“Rhodey-” Pepper started to complain, yet visibly tired.

“Pep.” He interrupted her. “Go. We’ll be fine.”

The redhead finally nodded and raised her eyebrows to the girl who was just watching them talk. “We’ll have a chat about that attitude later. Take care.”

Jessica smiled at her until she was far away from them, so the smile automatically faded. “No, we won’t.”

Rhodes laughed. “I can easily hear a young Tony saying those words.”

“Nah ah, I’m not like him. I wouldn’t leave my daughter behind in her own birthday just to get laid.”

“Oi, language! Where did you learn that?” Rhodes raised a brow.

“Guess who.” She shot back.

“For God’s sake, Tony better what his mouth around kids.” He rolled his eyes.

“Hey, I’m not a kid anymore.” Jessie crossed her arms and pouted.

“Jessica, you are eleven. Don’t even start.” He raised his hand as a ‘stop sign’ to her and then made a gesture for her to follow him. “Now come, let’s go somewhere fun.”

She got up the chair with a little jump. “The after party train is departing, everyone!”

He let out a grin and hugged her by her shoulders as they walked to Rhodey’s car. Uncle James was always around the house and events, and she knew that he had been friends with her father for a long time now. “Uncle Rhodey, when did you and my dad meet?” Jessie asked as she entered the car and closed the door.

“MIT, 1986.” He answered. “But you knew that already.”

“Yeah, but I’m not talking about dates, I’m talking about a moment. Like, a class or someone in common or... I dunno.”

“Well, we met in class.” He stated and the car engine’s answered with a soft humming. “We had a few classes together and he was a real pain in the ass, a smart 16 years-old kid who acted like he knew better than all of us.”

Jessie smiled as she pictured the scene. Even though that trait was something really annoying about her dad, she secretly liked when people said that “she had too much of Stark in her”. She didn't even have to have known her grandfather to assume he was just like that too.

“Then, there was this competition within the whole Institute. The William Barton Rogers’ Race. We had to come up with a functional machine to solve any problem MIT students went through daily.”

“Hm, so you did a project together.” The girl affirmed.

“We? I wanted nothing but distance from that smartass. But I was having problems with my project though, and I was too damn stubborn to ask anyone for help. I knew your father was doing better on his idea so I spent day and night on it, missed classes and stuff. One night before the competition's due date, there was this knock on my door and a note slipped under.” He let out a grin as he pulled over the parking lot of a place called Ice Cream Paradise. That place always meant heaven on Earth for Jessica. She smiled from cheek to cheek. “I knew you'd like coming here.” He turned off the car and jumped out of it, followed by the brown haired girl as they walked through the parking lot.

“What did the note say?” She was curious about the story.

“It said: 'We both know Imma win the Barton Rogers’, but you deserve to finish your project. Remember that Carnot was wrong, Qh is greater than Qc.’.” He answered and opened the door to let the girl in.

“And pretending I get what that means, was he right?” The doorbell announced their entrance.

“Unfortunately,” he continued with a chuckle. “to my ego, he was, yes. He also ended up winning the race afterwards.” They both sat at a table close to the balcony. “But I never forgot what he did, cause I managed to finish my project after that. Next day in class I sat close to him and we started taking. And-”

“You’re here today.” She finished.

“I’m here today.” Rhodes smiled and patted her nose with his finger, making the girl let out a grimace. As the waitress - blonde, strangely well humored for this time of the day, wearing a white short dress and a royal blue apron - approached them, Rhodey still had a smile upon his face when he answered her. “I’m having a strawberry milkshake with a tad of rum and the birthday lady here is having the house’s special.”

“Oh, is it your birthday?” She looked surprised, and Jessie nodded affirmatively. “Then it’s gonna be on the house. You’re having very sweet night, I promise.” She picked up the menus that were over the table and turned away but stopped in the middle of the movement. “Hang on, do I know you from somewhere? I think I’ve seen you before.”

“Well, she comes here a lot, gotta tell ya that.” Rhodey answered before the girl could open her mouth.

Jessie shrugged. “I do love Ice Cream Paradise.”

“Well then.” The woman, who had a badge with ‘Eliza’ written on it, waltzed away from them and they just waited.

To get things short, the rest of the night went on in an amazing course of events. Even better than the party before where she had all those people to talk and her father was all loud and sipping as many glasses as he would have laid eyes upon. This moment here with Rhodes was so nice and calm. It was something she was sure it’d be in her memories for a very long time. Eliza came back with a huge bowl of a banana split with small party hats in the top, and two bigger hats - one for Jessie and the other for Rhodey. Everybody on the ice cream - the three of them, the cashier and two people in the kitchen and a young couple of customers - sang happy birthday to her.

And then, it was over as fast as the snap of their fingers. Pepper was already calling both of them worried because it was late in the night and she wanted Jessie to be home by now. They were actually planning on going to amusement parks if JARVIS could find any of it open at that time of the night. But Rhodes decided that it was best to listen to Pepper this time, and he drove Jessica back home.

She was silent for the most part of the ride back because she didn’t want to go home, not just yet. But Rhodey knew how to get under her skin and make her laugh, pulling her back to a conversation just like she’d seen him do it before with her dad when he was angry. The lights were all up when they arrived, and Rhodey told Jessica to wait after she got out of the car and before she made her way towards the door.

“I almost forgot.” He came back for something in the car, a small box wrapped in red paper. James Rhodes approached the little girl and crouched close to Jessica, handling her the gift. “Happy Birthday, Jessie.”

She tore the paper quickly and held the box with a frown. The object was made of metal, and in the top, it read: 'In case of emergency: open the box'. Jessica followed the instructions - even though the emergency here was purely her curiosity - and inside the metal container, there was a small phone with a note that said: ‘If you dad isn’t around and you’re feeling lonely, give me a call. Happy B-Day, big girl.’

“Thank you, Uncle Rhodey.” The girl shyly said, holding the box closer to her chest, smiling from cheek to cheek.

“C’mon, give me a big hug.” He opened his arms and the girl went running to his hug, squeezing him with all the strength she had. While wrapped up in his arms, she felt just like when her dad gave her his gift, she knew for absolute certainty that she was loved and she had someone else to count in. Even if (or when) her father let her down, Rhodes would be there.

This was family meant and she knew, at that moment, that everything was going to be fine. And if it wasn’t - that was alright too.

“Now get in before Pepper kills us both.” He gave her a kiss on the cheek and the girl ran back home with a new spot of safety held dear in her little hands.

[fisherfurbearer]

Thoughts

Going to ramble. Hopefully this cut works. Mostly trying to be positive even though its confusing.

It’s been hard recently to stay positive. A lot of Life things are still going wrong and a bunch of problems up in the air. I don’t get to relax or do much of anything with whatever free time I happen to have. The animals are a source of both comfort and extreme anxiety. Everyone was getting there though, we were almost Stable and Peaceful until last night.

The new dubia were moved into a huge bioactive enclosure with loads of cork bark and decor, it was horrific but I lost maybe 5-8 roaches of 250+, and the rest of the tarantulas are all almost perfectly up to size and doing well. Kitty molted recently and is massive. Flaveri came out a week or two ago from molting and looks stunning. Everyone who needed it has been rehoused and all are adjusting well. Agnes still paces sometimes but I’m getting used to her behaviors and needs, I may upgrade her sooner than anticipated so she’ll have more usable space. Otherwise they are doing well. Red goblins have like no adults left, its all dumb nymphs, but there are tons of them and they’ll mature soon enough. Rothi are doing well. The vivs are just fine which is a relief.

The only Not Fine things are the (unfortunately neglected) isopods that I need to rehouse and repair and I guess some adjustments to the red goblin enclosure, but thats as simple as new cork. They got a nice cleaning with a fresh climbing barrier and leaf litter the other day, but they could do with a nice cork hollow or two. Might just buckle down and give them some egg crate for the time being too. Simple fixes that will go a long way towards making everyone comfortable.

I hope soon everyone will be comfortable and stable. We’re almost completely self sufficient besides produce for the insects and getting some more watermelon pangea sometime soon, and I have tons of extra tubs, substrate, and supplies stored for the inverts. I won’t have to spend much (if anything) on rehouses for a long time and everything is calming down. Mistakes are being fixed, long-term solutions are being implemented. We’re almost there.

Financially I’m alright enough, but I’m struggling with figuring out what to spend my money on and what I need to save. I don’t buy many luxuries for myself, it all goes back to the animals. Problem is I really need more clothes, I need to eat better, I want to save up a few hundred to help Jessie with some stuff and get him nice presents (he wants this Expensive keyboard so bad and I’m going to get it for him for his birthday, and make a custom keycap too. Our roommates [who are Much Richer than I am] said they’d even help me track one down and pitch in a bit. I’m also going to pay for the cooling for his computer upgrades. It’s not suuuper expensive but it’s also Not Free At All), I want to get more foliage and decor for the Ts (I can take advantage of sales though. It shouldn’t be too bad), and I’m saving up for rats this winter/spring ($500.00 budget which is looking actually real!!! That’s a post for another time though)...but now FNT also has a lot of what I want for affordable prices and I really want to ask them about their Homoeomma and see if there’s something I can do to afford one or two more. But that’s an unexpected expense and I’m scared that it’s the wrong decision to make.

I’m all jumbled and worried. I’m making so many advancements in life but it’s also terrifying. It’s hard to be happy. My health isn’t the best. But you know what, I’m trying my best to take care of myself (I’m taking multivitamins every day now, brushing my teeth twice a day, and I’ll make doctors appointments to get up to date on my vaccines, dental, and eyes since I’m so behind) and this rat research (I’ve researched rodents off and on for a few years and have a History with them, but never realized how perfect they are for me) is giving me new hope. They’re wonderful. So sweet, friendly, quiet, and their care and maintenance wouldn’t be too bad and their company is much needed. I need quiet affection. I love the geckos and Ts but their lack of handeability is hard sometimes. I thrive on affectionate animals and contact. Something I can hold, pet, something that benefits from interaction but is still patient and not too needy. I really need something like rats in my life, but I’m worried that getting more Ts would hurt that possibility. I’m all jumbled. I’m especially twisted with the number of Ts too. I can’t just get one Homoeomma but I really like nice numbers (10, 15, 20, etc.) and I’d have to get like 6 to make it work out. I am looking at another GBB, E. rufescens, and maybe an A. moderatum but I’m just not sure. I emailed FNT to ask if they’ll still have Homoeomma in for a while so I can think about it.

I’m not sure what will happen though. I just hope it all works out in the end and that I don’t make bad decisions. I don’t want to impulse buy animals and I don’t want to cause unnecessary stress and pain in the long run. I need to make sure I’ll have enough room for all the Ts when they’re adults, and I need to make sure I can support them all maintenance-wise. 20 seemed to be perfect and I’m slightly intimidated by more than that, which is a very bad sign. I hope it works out. I need to keep thinking.

I’m going to get back to rat research and try to keep my head on straight. I miss Hollis so much. But slipping back into a depressive streak isn’t good at all and I need to keep going. I’m worried that it’s not okay to do this, I feel like it’s best to sleep all day and stay quiet since I lost a pet and it’s not fair to dream about getting more when I just lost one, but I can’t afford to be any more depressed.

I hope this is the right thing to do. I’m going to keep going.

[alanm00ch]

I hate this decade.

Not even 2 years in. And I already I hate this decade.

Where do I begin? Alright, let’s start with January 2020, because that makes the most sense.

January 4th, 2020 - I go through a breakup after 8 years and 2 days of being with the girl of my dreams. Sucks, but it happens. I’ll be okay... I think. >.< Nope never mind, I wanna cry. Did I mention this was 2 days AFTER our 8 year anniversary?

January 22nd, 2020 - family moves into a new place. Hey, my own room! Maybe things are gonna be okay this year.

January 31st, 2020 - Nope. Never mind. my cat, Smokie, has passed away from old age. Ugh. NOW what am I gonna do?

March 17th, 2020 - Oh, hey, a new kitty showed up and made himself at home! I say we name him - oh, the kitty’s a girl?  I say we name her Ninja Jessie! Maybe this year will turn around after all

rest of 2020 - you know who I miss? That girl I dated for 8 years. I really love her and I miss her. spurts of messages from her and here and there across the early part of the year and then... nothing. Maybe I should try and get in touch with her. Nothing? I’m hitting panic buttons right now now. What am I supposed to do?! Rest of the year goes on about as normally I can possibly make it. Bonus perk - I DID get a Nintendo Switch as a birthday/Christmas present. So YAY FOR THAT!

Wait, hold up, December 2020 has rolled around and I JUST found out my brother and his wife are having child. Say hello to Uncle Alan Mooch. I’m gonna be an uncle in April 2021. I am *NOT* ready for this at all.

Okay, NOW on to the blows of 2021.

January 7th, 2021 - lost my dad to health issues and the virus that shall not be named. Well, this already sucks. I’ll just take a week off from making content so I can mourn the loss and I’ll take things from there.

February 6th, 2021 - Oh, hey, the girl of my dreams messaged me! OMG, I’m so happy to be... WHAT?! SHE’S ENGAGED?! I SPENT A YEAR AND A HALF IN THE DARK NOT KNOWING WHAT’S GOING ON ONLY TO FIND OUT SHE’S ENGAGED?!? Proceed to have multiple breakdowns as the heart break sets in and let my anger and sadness take over for each breakdown.

Look and listen, I’m not upset that she’s engaged. I wish her the best and I hope she has a happy life with her fiance. What I AM upset about is the fact I had been left in the dark for a year and a half and not knowing what’s going on only to find out she’s engaged when I was hoping to rekindle what we had. It’s upsetting.  In fact, I can’t have the girl I want? I’m gonna go through the way what I went through? The fear of getting hurt the way I did? I’m gonna be forgotten for a year and a half? I just give up on dating.

Straight up. Done with dating. I give up. I want nothing to do with it anymore. Why bother when I’m gonna get heart broken and left in the dark not knowing what’s going on? Why bother when promises I made are gonna become empty words that mean nothing? Why? Why should I put myself through the hell I’ve gone through? I told her I loved her. I meant that. What’s the point when that happy ending isn’t coming my way?

I’ve had multiple breakdowns since finding out about her engagement. And one of the meltdowns from last night had me pounding my fists on the kitchen counters, just knowing what I had... is gone. Gone... and never coming back.

Here’s yet another painful part : I was writing a Christmas song about her and I. I was gonna finish writing it, upload it, and send it as a surprise. Now? I have no reason to finish it. Why continue to write it when all it’ll do is be a painful reminder of what I went through? 

More painful : I PROMISED her I’d marry her. Now? My words are just... a hollow shell of a promise I intended on keeping... and now I can’t. I get to carry that guilt for the rest of my life knowing my words meant NOTHING.

Happily ever after? No, it ain’t coming for me. All I can do now is hold the shattered pieces of my heart.  Valentine’s Day? After what I JUST went through finding the girl of my dreams is engaged after a year and a half of nothing? Ugh. I despise Valentine’s Day. It’s all hearts and romance and cutesy things and... for me, it’s just another painful reminder. of things I want... and can’t have. If we could skip February 14th, I’d be more than happy for that.

What makes it all the worse is that I can’t talk about the pain I’ve gone through on my Twitch... or my YouTube. I’ve built my brand on being an upbeat and positive person and I can’t go on camera and vent about my life. I go on and I gotta show that I’m doing fine. That everything’s alright. It’s gonna be a normal show and we’re gonna have an awesome time. “Hey, it’s time to play video games, which means you all get to laugh at my screw ups!“ I have to hide the sadness. I have to hide the pain. I have to keep positive. I have to.

Because I like to keep my personal life and my camera life separated. Unless I have something really exciting to share, my personal life stays with me.

All I feel is a storm could over my head.  All I feel is defeat. All I can do is watch the world go by as I’m sitting in a corner, head between my knees, broken heart in my hands, and all I wanna do is cry.

This decade has sucked for me. I want it to end.

[tlcrescuepa]

New Post has been published on To Love a Canine Rescue

New Post has been published on https://tlcrescuepa.com/week-end-update-welcome-march/

Week-End Update: Welcome March

Hard to believe that March is already here, but the weather at least seems to be normal-ish for this time of year. We had a really nice week that included participating in “stress-free Friday” at Henderson High School in West Chester. Chico, Sugar, Walter & Wayla had a great time helping the students – and staff – unwind from a busy week and get ready for the week-end. We hope the folks at the school had a nice a time as we did.

Our senior, diabetic, pug Darla celebrated her gotcha day this week. The family was so happy to make everything official that we forgot to get her “happy tail” picture to share but hope we’ll be getting some pictures as we get updates. You may recognize some familiar faces in Jacey’s first, official, family photo since the handsome Aussie next to her is Ozzy FKA Kellen. We hear she may be changing her name to Amelia . . . or something else (we’ll know for sure when it’s “Facebook official”).

Also adopted this week were Peaches, Rocky (now Taz) & Ziva!

#gallery-9 margin: auto; #gallery-9 .gallery-item float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 25%; #gallery-9 img border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; #gallery-9 .gallery-caption margin-left: 0; /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Peaches

Rocky now Taz

Ziva

Jacey now Amelia

  The week marked the birthday of some TLC alumni that were born in local foster: Ziva’s pups! We have some updated pictures of Ziva and a few of her precious babies, as well as Wisdom Panel results for Major FKA Woodstock

#gallery-10 margin: auto; #gallery-10 .gallery-item float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 33%; #gallery-10 img border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; #gallery-10 .gallery-caption margin-left: 0; /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Ziva

Colby FKA Cobalt

Tula FKA Jenny

Major FKA Woodstock

Major FKA Woodstock DNA

  We have other updates too:

Dakara & Bailey FKA Dalaney

#gallery-11 margin: auto; #gallery-11 .gallery-item float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 33%; #gallery-11 img border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; #gallery-11 .gallery-caption margin-left: 0; /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Bailey FKA Dalaney & Dakara as puppies

Bailey FKA Dalaney

Dakara

Dakara

Dakara

Dakara

We actually saw Dakara at last week’s meet & greet, and put her family in touch with her equally lovely litter mate, Bailey FKA Dalaney.

Jack FKA Dennis

#gallery-12 margin: auto; #gallery-12 .gallery-item float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 20%; #gallery-12 img border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; #gallery-12 .gallery-caption margin-left: 0; /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Close to our 2 year gotcha date here are recent pictures of Jack. Don’t let the photos fool you. He is a ball of energy. He had grown into a fast, energetic,  vocal and strong-willed dog who can  play fetch by himself.  We love him and couldn’t imagine life without his antics. 

  Kirby

#gallery-13 margin: auto; #gallery-13 .gallery-item float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 50%; #gallery-13 img border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; #gallery-13 .gallery-caption margin-left: 0; /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Kirby and I are doing great! I kept his name. Suits him well.

Kirby is gentle, easy going, loves long walks, and has enjoyed meeting my friends and family members. I attached a picture of him with my oldest daughter, Jessi. Hard to tell who’s smiling more!

  Maggie

Maggie

Maggie is a wonderful dog! We love her very much. She fit right in with her new family and her new “pack”.  All of the pets get along great.

I am working from home today, and here is a pic of our beautiful girl curled up by my desk and keeping me company.

  Pearl

#gallery-14 margin: auto; #gallery-14 .gallery-item float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 25%; #gallery-14 img border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; #gallery-14 .gallery-caption margin-left: 0; /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

We wanted to send some picts and an update.

Pearl is doing very well!

She will being going to obedience classes in the coming weeks. We have been doing some basic commands at home, sit, stay, and fetch. She is a fast learner.

She is a very spoiled member of the family lol.

Lexi Rose

#gallery-15 margin: auto; #gallery-15 .gallery-item float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 33%; #gallery-15 img border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; #gallery-15 .gallery-caption margin-left: 0; /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Thank you ! Lexi Rose is doing great! Her and our other dog, Joplin love each other! When they are in our yard and I call them to come in Lexi Rose looks at Joplin and waits until she comes in first. She also loves our one cat and they play together. Lexi Rose especially loves my husband. We just love her

  Rylie FA Mary

Rylie FKA Mary

We put Rylie (Mary) into an obedience class at What A Good Dog, and she has been doing great! She is still a little skittish around strangers, but loves to cuddle with us- see picture attached! We are so happy to have her in our life! Thanks again for all you guys do!

  Eddy

Things are going well overall. He is adjusting well to his new food, is house broken, and goes into his crate perfectly while we’re home.

We are going through some challenges with some separation anxiety and we’re working through them. He doesn’t like feeling like he’s alone in the apartment in his crate. (we haven’t given him free rein over the apartment yet). We’re working on curbing his anxiety by practicing him being in it for short periods of time and pretending to leave. Jeri said to give it a few days and let him adjust to the routine and the practice. If it persists we’re most likely going to enlist her help with this.

We will keep his name Eddy. He responds well to it and after really getting to know him- I can’t imagine it being anything else :D.

Callie

#gallery-16 margin: auto; #gallery-16 .gallery-item float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 33%; #gallery-16 img border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; #gallery-16 .gallery-caption margin-left: 0; /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

So far things are going fine with Callie.  She seems to be settling in nicely.  I’ve spoken to Jen a few times, sent her some pics as you know.  Callie’s a sweet girl.  We’re keeping her name.  She knows it and we like it well enough.  She has a vet appt next week.  We need to take our other dog Gus in for some annual shots so we got her scheduled too at the same time.  I’ll send more pics and updates to Jen over the next few weeks. 

Gizmo

  Gizmo

Gizmo is doing well. Thanks for everything.

We love Gizmo and he loves us. Free kisses always.

  Edwina Louise (Winnie) FKA Fancy

Fancy, now named Edwina Louise (Winnie) has settled in wonderfully!

Our lab and she play very well with her doing laps around him and him egging her on…. she loves our large yard and enjoys playing fetch with tennis balls (she even brings them back most of the time!)

She is nicely house broken and does well in her crate.

We will be taking her to our vet next week. I will probably call your trainers.  She is a little stubborn at times and I want to guide her without affecting her sweet disposition

  Daisy FKA Carrie

Daisy FKA Carrie

Today is my miss Daisy’s (FKA Carrie) 1 year adoptiversary! I cannot believe it is a year already. She is such a sweet, wonderful girl, and a great running partner. She has learned agility and even belongs to a club and did her first trial. And she’s learned she LOVES to play ball. She is a spoiled, loving little cuddlepup and I am so fortunate to have found her. Thank you TLC Rescue!