#hate it when dreams actually reveal things abt my subconscious

[bl00dw1tch]

I take back everything ive ever said abt wanting to have fucked up dreams, what the hell was that

[emptybrainstuff]

Why is it that you don't date anyone anymore? Do you have a specific problem with that?

Yeah, i think. No, i know

What is it?

I would rather not say, don't you think everyone are subject to having some things to themselves? I think this is my little secret, something i don't want anyone to know. Not because I'm embarrassed but i just feel like it would be tainted or something if others knew. I want it to be something just between us, me and the person it concerns.

So, you're heartbroken?

Well to be straightforward, yes, I'm heartbroken. I don't think ik how to deal with it, it'll be my own little secret.

Will you reveal it to the concerned person though?

I don't have the guts to do that. Don't you think i would have done it long ago? When i actually could have? When they would have listened? Maybe a part of the reason that i was scared that they would actually listen. Ik i should regret not telling them but i can't bring myself to, just like how i can't, even now.

Have you found a remedy for your broken heart?

Nope, not yet. Every broken heart has its own remedy, its own solution, a unique one at that. For some ppl it's someone, for others it's something and for the other few, it's a dream. Yk ig people seek out the solution actually, for their own betterment and happiness, maybe most people do. Isn't that what life is? Human beings and their wants, their needs. And they spend the rest of their lives chasing to find the solution, a piece to solve the puzzle and salve their heart. I do too. My dreams. But that's not the cause of this broken heart.

Then?

A person. Or maybe i think it's actually my own actions. I rly dk. But yeah, a person.

So? Why don't you go and find your own solution?

You see... The thing is, i don't want to. I don't want to find the solution. Ik it sounds vaguely self-destructive but i don't want to. At least not now and maybe not for a long time... I think because in the subconscious or conscious whatever, i rly want the person to come back and maybe they are the only solution to ever exist for the mortifying pain. I don't think I'd want another solution even if it exists.

Honestly? I feel right at home with the mortifying pain. Am i a masochist?

idk but i don't think it matters.

Comfort. Isn't that what everyone wants? Comfort. Absence of the necessity to feel not judged. Because you know you won't be judged. That's what comfort is. The mortifying ordeal of being known. It's part scary and part exhilarating. It's a weird combination which makes you feel wonderful. Maybe that's what everyone wants. To feel special. To belong.

And this pain? The trickle of blood from the jagged edges where the pieces of my heart had been ripped out? Makes me feel.... Special. Wanted. Unique. Unjudged. It's stupid rly. To get addicted to pain. I can understand if it's another's pain. But your own? That's even sicker. Well, doesn't love make us sick?

It feels horribly wrong for someone else to fill that gaping wound instead of them. Not her soft hand closing the jagged wounds. But rather unfamiliar fingers touching the blood. It feels uncomfortable to even think abt it. Showing my heart to someone? That's easy, the whole, unbroken, full heart. This wretched thing held captive by my ribs? I can't show this to anyone. It's beautifully corrupted. By the hands i want around my neck. To corrupt me indeed, body and soul, mind and heart, skin and flesh. To be corrupted to the point where i can feel nothing but her warm breath, to hear nothing but her singing voice, to see nothing but her smile, to want nothing but her presence. Maybe, if I'm lucky, if truly fate is in its work, i would have the privilege to show her the art, that is my heart, she begot. But like i mentioned, i do not want to find the solution.

Why do you think i suffer alongside my heart with the memories once created? That stay in a place so so so close to reality that i think i might.. might as well go mad? Mad with love. Mad with hate. Mad with the memories my lonely mind created in solitude when you deserted us? Sorry.... when she deserted us. I suffer and suffer more not because of her but because of myself. The constant remembrance of words she bared which lay imprinted on the veins of my heart looks upon the liquid which was once considered precious flowing now with all its use drained from it. I read the same messages again and again hoping that i would find more reasons i could convince my hopeless heart about our love. I rethink all of the moments we spent together analysing what i could have said, what i should have said instead. Maybe then she'd come back.... As if she ever will. It's pathetic really. How i hope she'd return. What could i have said? What could i have done to make her stay, to want her to be by my side. At least to talk to me, talk with me. But what's the point of rethinking all of this when you know that she isn't gonna come back? But i do anyway.

I am just so so tired. I actually don't think I've spent even a single day without thinking about her. It's been more than six entire months. We used to not be able to stop talking to each other even for a day and look where we are now. More than a year. I thought, i really thought i meant more than that.

Don't you think if someone really wants something, they'd work for it? If you really want something, shouldn't you atleast try to make it work? It's cowardly to leave and escape the moment things turn a little bit sour. If it had been me, i would have worked for it, hard. Begged to try and make it work. Cause it was how much she meant to me, our friendship meant to me. It's pathetic tbh, how she was my everything and i didn't matter much after all. But- but how? Even if i mattered less, how was it so easy to just throw me away? Yk what maybe it's actually me. Maybe it's my fault that i would have tried to make it work no matter what. I'm glad, rly happy that she wanted to be better though. Maybe i shld learn how to do that. But what can I do when she is the one who made me better? Made me happy and satisfied and content even when everything was falling apart? It's stupid, it's stupid how much i crave her and that too not even physically but emotionally and mentally. I should have tried better. But I'm angry too. And I'm scared that the dam will one day burst open and spill all that anger at the worst time possible. So i bite tongue and push the words deep into my throat to keep it from spilling out. No matter what, I'll try, atleast try to keep that from happening again.