#havent posted in FOREVER take my bad doodles

[delicatemorgue]

shumika antics

[melissa-titanium]

jade harley for the ask game :33 ermm also terezi perhaps

OMG. ON IT BOSS!!!!!!!!!

favorite thing about them LITERALLY SO HARD. whats not to love!!!!! i liked her at first because she reminded me a lot of marcy (hehehe) but shes just!!! so . sweet. she loves her friends so much SO MUCH and i wish i was that cool . smile :)

least favorite thing about them ill say this again. whats not to love?? i think the closest thing to Disliking anything about her is. how she got thrown into obscurity towards the end of the comic. how her arc wasn't quite completed... but i guess everyone shared that issue x0 .. though with her character? like .herself? nuh uh! shes so awesome i love jade

favorite line not really a Line but her entire convo with jadesprite. yeahh girl LET IT OUT!!! YEAHHH!!!!!!! also her convos with callie were very sweet x)

brOTP i don't really know if this counts. but her and bec! i know that's like.. her guardian. but i just wish they had more OnScreen is that the right word time together. they're lovely.

OTP i dont think alot about shipping when i think of jade! but i'd have to say davejade, they're lovely. :)

nOTP pretty hard to pick, uh... I don't take shipping seriously enough to hate any particular ship with her!

random headcanon i have one hundred and one visual headcanons about her i could actually go on and on forever. there's some thin extra awesomesauce to me about how simple her god tier design is in canon because yeah baybee i can EXPAND on that !!! give her long trails of white ear fluff that looks like hair, strange doggy lips. perhaps fluffy arms! my MOST thought about headcanon is definitely my weird sprite-visualizing stuff. i talk about it alot, (or atleast did!) but i havent drawn it in a while so here's a little doodle.

unpopular opinion alot of my opinions are amongst the popular but... i think jade would be pretty short! pre godtier. i think post godtier she'd gain a foot or so because bec is definitely a wolf and wolves are huge. i used to think she would be tall too, but floralmarsupial's character designs changed my thoughts on that. they're super cool you should check them out if you havent seen them.

song i associate with them bugbear chloe moriondo and roman holiday. both from different lyricstucks i saw with her in them so i always think of her when i see them, i'm bad at assigning stuff on my own so i cant think of anything myself.

favorite picture of them

YAY!!!!!! this panel is so pretty :)))

[mack-anthology-mp3]

bwahahaha asking more asks!! hehe

writing or drawing???

favourite weird flavour combo (very sorry if I just asked that memroies sift out my head like sand in hands T-T)

what saying or quote do you live by?

lemonade or tea?

what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

strange habits?

favourite place to write (ie post it notes, sketchbook, note book, on your laptop etc)!

heheheeeeeeeeeee yay more asks

writing or drawing - OUGH HOW COULD I PICK pretty easily actually, drawing. i like writing too but drawing is ACTUALLY NO I CHANGE MY MIND if i had to forgo one forever, i'd rather keep doing writing than drawing because where drawing fails me i can always write but drawing is a lot harder for me even though i do more of it. so. i pick writing actually hehe

weird flavour combo - idk about combo but i've started eating a lot pf pickles recently. no particular reason i've just been like hmm i think this dish could use a pickle and i havent been wrong so far

saying or quote to live by? - 'you can do what you want forever' is one that's really stuck with me like. hell yeah. i can do what i want forever!!

lemonade or tea - lemonade!! i love lemonade esp. the really lemony stuff. like sprite is kinda bad but Lemonade is good.

kickass outift - big black baggy jeans band tshirt and black leather jacket and white converse. the big jeans and jacket just feel very cool to me n the converse are my tenth doctor shoes which i do very confidently feel like i could physically do anything in.

strange habits - i CANNOT STAND STILL i think it's stimming. neurotypical stimming. just fidgeting?? like i just cannot stand still i end up bouncing around and stuff. not really a habit though hmmmm. OH in like yr 5 me n my friend decided we would miss the bottom step of every staircase and i still do it.

favourite place to write - NOTEBOOK I LOVE NOTEBOOk its A5 & has a yellow cover and blue lined pages and its just a nice repository for everything i think of & doodles and song lyrics and thoughts and just writing down whatever. yay

[taigaoftundrablog]

blog post numero uno

i have no idea how this whole blog thing is gonna go, most likely ill find another day to post it other than monday (dear god mondays)...

but i feel like ill figure it out eventually, also these will probably be pretty random each week as i quite literally dont have a schedule of any sort so uh lets begin with it

art stuff with taiga

i have been working on this cool little thing which yall will see eventually, its gonna take like forever to make (woohoo 12 million heckin tutorials) but i am making progress, just got the hardest part left

other art stuff ive been doing is just random doodles from time to time like always, but havent been doing much else art-wise

here's some ms paint doodle i made in a minute or two, just for this

taiga does gaming stuff (what a big surprise she does that like every single day!!)

been playing switch games ever since i got my switch about a month ago, i beat mario odyssey like yeah around a week ago i think, i also should be playing breath of the wild more but motivation has kind of been lacking (i realised i have to go look for koroks) so i've just played both mario maker and odyssey, i have around 550 moons in odyssey and im at 130 levels in endless normal in mario maker

ive also realised i should start playing games ive had in my backlog for like forever (have to play thru celeste, pizza tower, half life 2, cuphead, just to name a few) but i think ill be focusing on switch games primarily for a little while

literally everything else

i'm getting a laptop from my school soon when high school starts!! i don't usually get much time to do stuff on pc so i feel like this will open up new opportunities to learn things like programming (i've been trying to get some sort of start with that but its very difficult to get the motivation to spend all the time i have during a day just to learn programming) but we'll see what i'll do

closing thoughts

nothing too much has happened honestly but next week will be more about school as that's starting wednesday (i hope that wont be too bad), mostly ive just been doing what i usually do each day, that being looking after the kids (my two little brothers) and just trying to get some time to get things i wanna do done

i think the next blogs will have more in depth writing which isn't just a mess of spaghetti all around as i just spent probably around maybe half an hour or a little more writing this? i didnt have a stopwatch on okay im not sure

but i will see you all next week in taiga blog (with me yelling about school!!!)

[saiyamanaka]

“Quick” Sai sketch because I’m absolutely STARVING for Sai content and if I have to start making it myself so be it 😤😤😤

[prehistoricmancunt]

(I'm hoping you have some encouragement also some advice) how do I do art if I'm bad at it?

I'm so sorry I'm answering this literally 3 months later but i havent had my laptop in 3 months and i can't write anything meaningful without it oops

but yes i do!

- who cares about ugly art!!! Have fun make a mess make the ugliest son of a gun under the blue sky! having fun and being goofy and letting loose is the only thing that matters!!! If you have ever in your life said “oh I can’t draw I would even mess up a stick figure” I’m begging you to shrug off the idea that creativity needs to be for a product or an outcome. The process!! The process is all that matters! Colors and shapes scratch a corner of your brain no matter if you’re making something you’ll bin after making or submit to a gallery truly and really when crpl-pnk said to sing off key and dance off beat and make ugly art and write shitty poetry like. Yeah. They were right. Make art for art’s sake! Create because humans were built to create! Go stack up some sticks or rocks no one cares

okay so you've got that and you wanna know how to get inspired i got u there too:

- I feel like the things I jump out of bed to do are usually things I just want to see made. as simple as that: I just want to see them.

- jump into exploring what’s interesting to you at the moment and let that lead you to the next thought/piece of research/next idea piece body of work etc

-I also do a lot of image research!! and that is my art practice some days, especially as a disabled artist that's all i can muster. and that's so valuable! i think just about as important as the making of the art. learning what you like/learning new things. my Pinterest is my safe space now omg but before that and still i just organize my posts on tumblr here. ( @recycledguts guts is my acct for reblogging art, @burningoftheheart is where I reblog poetry/text, and on this blog I tag #art and #mundane art) I explore new mediums new ideas and it sparks new ideas while compiling sources and references and inspirations.

(here's my pinterest btw i think it's stellar)

- let yourself fuck things up!!!! mistakes are wonderful because they teach you what needs to be fixed next time. i like to take photos of all the parts of my process even and especially the hideous parts and the sketches bc its so cool to see where an idea started and ended and all that happened on the way. I think showing the journey and finding the beauty in having that around opens you up to letting more loose

it took me forever to be okay with fucking up. I used to be 'bad' at having a sketchbook like I’d want to curate every page and have every page look like a finished piece but what I’ve found is much more meaningful to me is like. Taping in scraps that inspire me or things from my day like a scrapbook and writing whatever I want and sketching out any idea that comes to me and doodling as well as the finished pieces. A really good piece of advice is basically don’t erase. You’re not wasting your paper theres always more paper to be had just turn the page and start again. (i actually laerned to be okay with process and ugly sketchbook bc of drawingwiffwaffles on youtbe after i got over their username and actually started watching their videos lmao) Robin Sealark on youtube was also key in my art making journey.

also like. realizing that no one else needs to see anything you make if you don’t want them to. you don’t need things to be polished and curated. Just make it for you and if you want to share it you can but you don’t need to make just to share yk?

also, your art probably isn’t bad. you’re probably just being your own worst critic. maybe you haven’t found the medium/technique for you

okay I'm sorry that was so long and so belated but i hope this helps!

[elvesofnoldor]

making graphics and gifs are extremely emotionally draining in a very bad way i dont know why the hell do i even still do that 

[blueshipstealstars]

Self Insert Positivity Day

CRASHES IN cause due to being on twitter so much for SS stuff I haven’t been too active on here BUT ANYWAY

I guess I can start with I’m Blue (or Dakota) and I’m way to too old to be suddenly into this stuff BUT HERE I AM and I enjoy my time here so yeaaaahhh-

What got you into self shipping/self insert content? Who or what inspired you?

hmmmm best way to explain is I’ve known what selfshipping was for QUITE sometime now? Like I have a an old time friend who always did it and I supported them in their fun but always sort of assumed it wasn’t for me?

I think a lot stemmed from my own personal distaste for myself and worry how people I know would respond to it? And I still feel that way but I still do it now cause...it’s fun? Like I love a lot of stuff I do with it so //shrugs

But yeah I got talked into it via a friend group and said friend back in literally only last Jan/Feb? So I haven’t doing this long unlike rping on DA or making ocs and junk

What do you like to do when it comes to self ship/self insert? Are you a content creator, or do you enjoy taking part in things?

I like the insert side to things more! I also enjoy shipping with characters I love since it allows me to express how much I love them in a very close way, which is nice. But yeah its super fun to apply my traits and interests into different verses and coming up with how my persona would grow up and interact with said world. I certainly side more on the “my insert is more of a glorified oc/persona” and I rarely use first person pronouns when talking about crushes or those inserts.

I’m really more of a content creator, I have trouble interacting too much otherwise?;; Like I’m better at expressing my thoughts through art and like making content! I do talk to others and remark on their work but really I suck at being super interacting outside of certain situations. (I always try to reply if someone contacts me though!)

How long have you been self shipping or creating self inserts for?

Hmm like I said I sort of only really started directly inserting for about a year. But I do know I’ve always sat around listening to music or watching videos and sort of projecting myself onto content I was currently enjoying. I feel that happens for a lot of people, especially early in their life so have what you will of that~

Have you made any friends within the community?

Yeah totally!! (Not gonna go at everyone cause i’m a mess)

@ask-am My bby girl who I will smack if she keeps saying she’s not good at anything??? Cause she’s amazing and super cool to talk to and we connect pretty well which is great for my stress levels. Seriously you rule~ (also you got me to give jojo a chance so thank you)

@musical-selfshipper My pride and joy of introducing Shooks into her life and by doing so ruining it. My go to fate person to ramble and wheeze at over how fate is a wild time but also a lot of hotties.

@mindless-self-pudding AND LOOK MY BBY BOY WHOM IS LIKE 80% SHIT POST AND YELLING- Seriously you are amazing and i love talking to you, your ships are A+ and thank you so so so much for getting my ass to read gk I AM FOREVER CHANGED

@sludgge A very cool bean with an art goal seriously I have thing I wanna draw soon and all i can think is to like channel your art vibe for desired results. I live for your ships with so many oddball peeps they’re always so cool (you and scream will always be my otp for you though)

@somefuckinnerdynerd A shocking friend who loves to throw the most random things at me and cracks me up always. You’re super supportive and I idolize that. Also you and Gohan are my favorite thing you guys are adorable ;w;

@selfloving-shipper I know we havent talked as much lately but seriously I’m stupidly happy I met you and talking about Lupin really made my day and seeing your reactions was great~ I came to you via one of your earlier ships and i know you dont talk about it as much due to stuff but I still adore it if i’m honest

@laviismyhusband one of the earlier people I interacted with and let me say you are great, ok? I know you go through some rough patches and it’s hard but you’re amazing and I love your content a lot. We have a lot of fandoms in common and I will always adore anyone who loves DGM like I do.

@alotta-lovin ONE OF THE SWEETEST PEOPLE IVE MET???? Like holy crap I never expected you to be as chill and kind as you are and that is amazing. Youre super talented and I love seeing your work and ships and having you explain too much to me cause I am very unaware of the stuff your into but I still like to listen~!

@tarushipping Holy shit can you say idolized intimidation?? You’re art is a goal and your personality is a gem. Seriously I am so glad we’ve bonded over GK cause you are a blast to talk to about plot things and I never get enough of it ;w;

And final love you and thanks to all these people and more cause I am so bad at recalling handles:

@heartstringsymphonies @11-717 @peachie-doodles @cottoncandyships @lilacindulgence @little-fairyfox-ships @lildreamysoul @sketchy-galaxy @mordredljselfship @tinseltina @promptoargentumsgirlfriend @iselfshipnerd @xeensbin @plimchi @chisakisses @salty-kira @astralplanesies

[ghostfiish]

things ive been up to

since its been forever and ive been posting at a rate of like once every never for the last several months now (other than reblogs which are also at an all time low)

ok so i have the tendency to ramble so im gonna try to stay brief but in a nutshell in 2018 the following has happened

been at my job being bored but having no energy to look for a new job

one roommate moved out a few months ago (but agreed to pay rent for the rest of the lease if we couldnt find a roommate, which she did as she promised so thats whatever)

fleas from old roommates cat made hosts out of me and my other remaining roommate (we got rid of them but it was hell for a bit there)

only reliable potential new roommate to respond to any of our ads turned out to be a complete bust and bailed at the last second (which was probably a good thing since turns out she lied about when her own lease was up which caused an issue, plus she wouldnt have been a good fit with me and current roommate)

i got laid off from my job around the time 3rd roommate moved out and have been looking for a job ever since (silver lining: i wasnt FIRED and at least i have time and energy to actually look for work lol)

im not hearing back from applications thus far which is incredibly annoying but i expect that to change soon once the holidays are up, in conjunction with me having a better plan of attack than when i started

they raised the rent to be way too high for just us two to get a 2-bedroom, and due to unemployment sucking ass (i mean better than nothing but not nearly enough for rent), my roommate and i had to move back in with our respective parents rather than renew the lease even though we really liked that place

my car is a total junker and i need both a new one of those and a job to pay for it before i can do much of anything else

i havent really drawn anything more than sketchbook doodles since spring which is a bummer. sorry guys i dont really have artwork to share with you except maybe some stuff i can put on instagram/twitter like i mentioned in my previous post

the good news in all this is that my parents and friends are extremely supportive, i managed to save up enough when i WAS working that im not in a crisis situation or anything, and im doing my best to stave off the anxiety/depression *thumbs up emoji* its not perfect but im not taking naps or sleeping in/staying up late which makes a MASSIVE difference im telling you guys regular sleep schedules work wonders for staving off the Bad Brain Stuff

i currently have the house to myself because my parents are on a trip which is both a blessing and a curse for a variety of reasons but at least i get to hang out with the dog

overall things are not ideal but it’s way better than it could be and it’s gonna be okay. im okay

[tumblunni]

AAA U GUYS ARE YOU TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME HAVING BAD INTERNET ACCESS

Noooooo who sent me 50 bucks nooooo

Youre being too nice and you know that i might not be able to contact you to tell you to take it back!! Aaa!!

Im spending my mobile data to say NOOOO mystery person who sent me "like 25 bottles of juice" please stop being too perfect for this earth aaaa

Like man i dont even know how much im gonna need cos i have never been to this place before and im still learning about the hospice living. And maybe its gonna cost more than i thought cos i talked to the doctor and apparantly i got it wrong and the £4 a week isn't for you to buy your own food but just the budget for cookery lessons. And you're not allowed to buy juice or any other drinks with it, its exclusively your own money for the luxury of 25 juice

SOOOOOO..

I Technically cant say "this is too much" cos i dont KNOW if its too much yet??

BUT ITS DEFINATELY TOO MUCH FOR ONE PERSON!! Like if 50 people gave me 1 pound then i wouldnt feel like i was being too much trouble. But mystery person do you need your money to buy 25 juices for yourself?? Please dont spend more than you can afford on a dumb old doofus like me!

And aaaaaargh i dont even know what i can do in return!! Cos i still have TWO drawings i promised to do for people who helped me with other stuff in like march? But gahh ive been so artblocked and barely posting anything at all and now im stuck with just like 600mb of mobile internet for the month and no way to get pictures to you cos the library computers block tumblr. Splinteredstar i have doodles some Heartless for you but they are bad so im gonna keep trying!! Aaron i lost the reference image of your marshadow oc so i havent finished the pic at all even though its been Forever! Mystery juice person i want to draw you something but i dont wanna make reckless promises again!! But im in therapy so hopefully i'll be able to recapture my inspiration and start doing art again by the time i get out of here. *sigh*

God i love you all

Fuck you, making me cry over juices and then fleeing into the night! You evil genius!

[chickenfetus]

ALL!!!! (also the gemini sqUAD LOL)

im gonna enjoy a nice cup of water while doing this bc idk a tea (update i didnt drink water at all and now im dying of thirst,, also undercut bc many)

1: Golden mornings or peachy sunsets?

i dont wake up early enough to see the sunrise and when i do i never manage to take pics bc of school so peachy sunsets

2: Sugar cones or waffle cones?

idk what a sugar cone is but i like waffle cones!!! havent eaten ice cream with a cone in forever though,, i rarely eat ice cream now

3: Do you wear scarves often? do you have a favorite?

listen…. its about 33 degrees everyday but even if im in a colder country i dont wear scarves

4: How long do you lay in bed before you finally get up?

this depends?? on how motivated im feeling lmao never more than 10 minutes though because if i lay awake for that long ill just fall back asleep

5: Is there a food you’ve never had but always wanted to try?

i dont think so?? im bad at trying new things especially food

6: What does your umbrella look like?

i dont.. go outside often and whenever i do i take public transport so basically everythings sheltered so i never had a need for umbrellas

7: Do you listen to ASMR?

ive only listened to one everybody please listen to this gift

8: Rain storms or a light drizzle?

both, preferably when im indoors

9: What’s a little thing in life that you love?

hm??????????? my tags lmao 

UPDATE: i also really like reading other people’s tags and their rambles that is all

10: Favorite color aesthetic?

does the word aesthetic make this question any different from a normal favourite colour question???? if it doesnt then sky blue 

11: Wobbly lines or using a ruler?

in this house we draw lines with no ruler like men (but also because even if i did use a ruler it wouldnt be like… straight idk i cant use rulers

12:  Bright colorful living room or neutral cozy living room?

neutral cozy living room but i also love basking in sunlight 

13: Do you have any candles? what scents are they?

im not a big fan of heavy smelling products so i dont own any candles

14: Have you ever rode a horse?

i dont think so??????? ive seen horses before though

15: Do you have glasses?

without my glasses i wouldnt be able to read these questions lmao and . .. theyre also a result of watching pokemon too closely to the tv at a young age… its been like 10 years since i got glasses

16: What’s a language you’d like to speak?

japanese i tried speaking it but i got 2 embarrassed to say anything properly while i was in japan (i cant even speak english properly to a friend whyd i think i could speak another language to a stranger beats me) 

17: What’s your favorite season and favorite month in that season?

my singaporean no season ass: ? but autumn and november (is this cutting it too close to winter? idk my seasons)

18: Do you have a favorite pair of socks?

hm not really i just wear blue ankle socks a lot but my friend did give me a pair of pokemon and gudetama socks before and i adore those although i lost the gudetama ones in the uk last year she got me another pair whatd i do to deserve her?

19: Favorite Ghibli and/or disney movie

m .. um? big. hero 6?????? 

20: Disney, Dreamworks, or Pixar?

my dumb ass didnt know they were different

21: What snacks do you usually get at the theater?

i rarely go and watch movies anymore but when i did watch a lot of movies with my friend at the theater we’d get afternoon shows and sneak mcdonalds in lmao

22: What’s an underrated video game/ movie/ show you love and think it needs more recognition?

how about band? day6 i only ever play pokemon + sif + bandori so i cant say much and i rarely watch movies and a show? if its an anime id say the one i mentioned before in my one text post 

23: Would you fill your house with plants if you had a green thumb?

not really rip 

24; All plants are great but do you have a favorite?

HM mmmmmm there was this one but i forgot the name lmao pass

25: Do you have a favorite type of art style? (eg: soft looking, no to little color, sketches, crisp and clean, minimalist, pixel art etc.)

when im the … audience? what do u call it???? i like seeing all kinda of art styles!!! everyone has their own unique art style and i love it all :o

for ME,, , ive been doing art for 6 years maybe and i still cant do shit

26: What would you do if someone gave you flowers?

i would die straight up die thats such a soft concept i cant imagine myself receiving flowers thats 2 sweet oh my god wtf id combust??? i prefer leaves though is that weird i picked some nice leaves recently and im gonna give those to my friends

27: Do you like nicknames?

giving and having nicknames is my favorite past time

28: Do you still watch shows you watched when you were a kid? even from time to time?

pokemon lmao thank u 4 not ending it…. the animation has only improved and im so proud to have been watching it since the start pokemon is my special thing i love it so much!! an interest that never died down, with an anime that stays super like idk to my preference? i tried watching the new digimon stuff but i just couldnt :^( im glad they made ash stay the main character 

29: Do you still like old memes? (tell the truth)

never forget dat boi

30: Favorite Halloween costume you dressed up as? (if you don’t celebrate halloween have you ever cosplayed or would you like to? who did you cosplay as?)

we dont celebrate halloween and i would never cosplay, big shoutout to cosplayers though!!! they put in so much effort and just, respect!!!!! 

i dont know if this is an actual memory because i dont remember well but when i was younger i thiNK? i had to dress up as a swan thing i have no clue i dont even remember the performance but i might have had to ?? and dance??? or act i dont remember everythings fuzzy but i dressed up a swan once? in kindergarten ????? 

31:  Are you a fashionable person?

i have the worst fashion sense and even though jeans are nice once again the weather here doesnt allow me to be as fashionable as i can be

32: Do you like watching holiday movies?

not realyyy??? the jack frost (rip) movie was ncie????

33:  Cookies or brownies?

i live 4 chocolate chip cookies but too much is . . not preferable

34: Do you blow in the cold air just to see your breath?

no i hate breathing in & out from my mouth

35: Do you find the crickets chirping outside your window relaxing?

WELL from the great cockroach ordeal last night id probably die bc we live in an apartment building so the only way id be hearing crickets would be if they were in the ROOM 

36: Do you like cobblestone streets?

my only knowledge of cobblestone is from minecraft so idk

37:  How often do you doodle?

when school was still relevant i would doodle as soon as i picked up a pencil lmao i try not to anymore bc i doodled on my math assignment and forgot to fucking erase it and my math teacher called me out

38: When was the last time you blew bubbles?

a year ago?? i dont remember but i do remember when i was younger id try and blow bubbles at the void deck do yall kno what that is its just a space near the lift lobby anyway i swallowed the soap thing idk u know how ur supposed to blow? well i sucked the soap in yum

39: What’s your favorite random piece of decor in your house and room?

in my room its the bed and in the house its the water bottle that contains water

40: Do you bite your fingernails off or clip them more often?

i………………………… i dont actualy kno how to clip my nails and my mum would kill me if i tried but i dont bite my nails either

41: Any birthmarks?

not that i know of

42: Thoughts on freckles?

ive never actually seen someone with freckles in public before but theyre good stuff i gueess?? i dont actually have an opinion on them? everyone says theyre cute and all but im just ??? not that i hate freckles tho if u have freckles? thats cool! 

43: First video game you ever played?

pokemon pearl?? either that or megaman on my ps3 OR the bomb square guy????? idk the game name but.. ya

44: what type of bird do you hear most often outside your door?

i dont know what the bird species are but theyre small black birds not crows idk

45: Do you use gifs/ memes a lot when replying to people?

memes yes gifs no bc im not lame like jen

46: Thoughts on spring?

no comment?? i mean? its nice??????? i guess ??? if we had a spring

47: Ideal temperature outside?

oh boy 20 degrees would be enough for me but its never gotten that low before sunny island’s life

48: Cloudy, partly cloudy, or clear skies?

i like clear skies when its bright! but not too sunny and not too warm!!!!! clouds are nice to look at too though

49: How often do you hear airplanes outside?

yeah we live near an airport i dont think anybody uses????

50: Do you enjoy windy days?

windy days are my SHIT back in school our basketball court was open spaced and whenevr wind blew we could feel it man thats the life right there but i hate windy days when im sitting at home bc it flows the curtains rigth into my face i like the feel of the wind and the smell of fresh air but… curtains in my face? not 2 great so rip i close all the windows lmao

okay thank u so much 4 asking falen i love you and wow this was a lot

[fergalamorous]

9 Years Later

I always forget about this survey for a few years and then stumble upon it. I wrote it years ago for facebook notes and dig it up to add to it when I find it. Its nice to look back on who I was at the time and reflect on how I’ve changed. I think each time I’ve taken it so far I’ve been with a different boy. I think I’ll keep up this tradition as long as I remember it. 

Just for reference here is the numbering of the years I’ve taken it.

1. 2011 possibly. 17yo, dating one boy (M), thirsting after another(J).

2. 2012-13 I think, 18yo with J, either long distance or about to be long distance

3. 2015-16, 21ish in Boston again, post break up, dating Z

4. 2018, 23yo still in Boston, single, working on degree and career.

5. 2019 25 yo still in Boston, single working on degree, no longer a woman 

[[(3 commentary)found a post I made 3 years ago when I was still with John where I went back and answered questions I had answered when I was still with Malcolm. I have decided to continue this tradition now that I am with a new boyfriend and have many years of experience to boot. Who knew what an old facebook survey would evolve into over 4 years.

(2 commentary)I found a note on my facebook that I wrote 4 days before I broke up with M and J and I started dating. Here is me retaking the quizy doodle with original answers still in tact. John had commented “interesting.”]]

Do  you think things will change in the next 3 months?

1. Positive

2. Moving up to Boston is a change I do believe.

3. Enough has changed in the past two months that three months of no changes seems like a godsend.

4. Aside from the commitee i’m on, this semester is pretty set in stone.

5. I will have applied to all my grad schools and released my second album Look On Songbird and officially be in my last semester of undergrad

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?

1. Mom

2. John.

3. Quack

4. my father

5. My momma

Waiting for something?

1. Sanity

2. John to be done with homework, I’m hopelessly bored.

3. short term, my first no shift weekend so i can finally relax. long term a visit from Quack Duck

4. Ski trip in the mountain with my fellow gays

5. December, self appointed due dates for grad apps and album release

Connection between you and the last person who text messaged you?

1. I (2.Definitely) can’t remember

3. Long Distance boyfriend

4. Last failed hetero-romance/now nearly best friend.

5. My best friend/ little sister Linda (who is 14 and the coolest) 

You never know what you got until you lose it? True or false?

1. Definitely true, the truest true.

2. True. And then by some merciful act of God (but really you did it) you get it back again and you make sure to never let it go again. And that’s how I got my groove back.

3. True, but sometimes you know exactly what you have and still need to let it go. And thats when you realize you didn’t actually know at all what you had.

4. I could write a wispy answer about true love, but the most i’ve lost recently is my keys.  

5. I mean, most recently, kind of. In a kind of opposite point of view, I thought I knew exactly what I had until he did something to lose me. 

Do you want to see somebody right now?

1. I want to crawl underneath a huge blanket and have somebody take all my  calls because I’m busy being a blanket. 2. John, constantly. Marissa too, it’s been forever since I’ve seen her. 3. My mom, my sister, Marissa, David, Quack, Michael. Its funny because (aside from david) when I first wrote this I was able to see all of them every day 4. I wish I could see my mom still. We talk every day but I miss her.  5. My little sister. I see her everyday but she really has become my rock recently and I wish I could see her all the time. And my mom. 

Are you happy?

1. To some extent

2. Yes. I’m happier than I’ve been all month.

3. I have suffered through so much with the break up and continue to suffer through being back in massachusetts… but I am beginning to feel happiness from inside myself. Contentedness at the direction my life is heading.

4. Yes, to some extent. Things are looking up every day and I really am coming into my own in school.  5. I’ve honestly been having a terrible summer/semester. As I careen into the depths of winter and closer and closer to the submissions I have to make in December I cant help but fear for how it will feel to put myself out there, academically, creatively, emotionally, and if I can mentally handle rejection of that scale? I am very fragile rn.

Is any part of you sad at all?

1. Yes

2. Is it bad that some part of me is always a little sad? That if I try, I can dig it up and be sad instead of happy?

3. No past me, it’s not bad it’s called depression and if you let it, which you do, it will consume your life. But yes to answer the question, a large part of me is sad deep down. Deep down I’m not at all happy with where I am in life and even if I am in a wonderful relationship with someone who is so supportive and understanding I know that it is not enough to wipe away all my sadness of the events that have happened over the passed year.

4. I feel saddened by very little lately as I’m currently taking these amazing antidepressants that both treat my crippling depression and my ADHD in one fell swoop…. but yes. I still occasionally feel bad about how I left things with certain people.  5. Protip future and past Ren, the antidepressents sent you into a mania from all the good that happened in 2018, seriously strap in that was the best year of your life. And you knew it. But 2019 brought the pain. You came out as trans and crashed from a new pill to take you out of your manic state. So yeah, I’m sad. I’m on now two antidepressents and a mood stabilizer to keep me from wanting to die. 

In 4 months, how old will you be?

1. 17

2. 18

3. 21

4. one month shy of 24

5. 25

How are you feeling at this moment?

1. flustered.

2. Bored.

3. Awake at 4 am you tell me.

4. nostalgic 5. Productive, about to walk to chemistry society and get shit done.

What made you laugh last?

1. Conversation last night

2. John making funny voices at me telling me to get online. :3

3. The fact that my boyfriend thought that saying “I’ll wait for the next elevator” and then hanging up is an appropriate way to end a skype conversation. I laughed for like 7 minutes. Its my favorite.

4. my physics lab group being dork

5. Someone having road rage, because whats the point.

Are you drunk?

1. nope

2. I’m constantly blasted. I’m like cheesy blasters but with alcohol and no hot dog.

3. Oh poor past lauren. Never touched alcohol. Just you wait til your first big heart break it happens when you turn twenty one and shit gets weird yall.

4. lol yeah its called signs symptoms of inherited alcoholism (exactly the reason you didn’t drink as a teenager) that can be linked with your disorder and the high impulsivity and low self control that comes with iiiiit. made you push your partner away, make increasingly horrible decisions over the years, and contributed heavily to the depression after the break up! so no I’m not drunk. I’m currently and for the past half a year or more been working on becoming completely sober. Life has been much better since. 

5. Good news! Still sober! But like actually. Still can attest my life, though in a bad place now, would be much worse if I started drinking again. Soriety was the best concious decision I’ve ever made. 

Have you ever kissed a blonde-haired, blue-eyes person?

1. Nope.

2. Still no. I’ve kissed a mirror many times though. Not anything more than a peck and a wink though. I was a weird kid. 2 years ago.

3. Yes we share the same first and middle name and weirdly enough this time it wasn’t me kissing a mirror. She was a real human.

4. Yes still the same girl though. More into brunettes.  5. Yes. still the same girl. Turns out I have a thing for dark haired people more so than blondes. 

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 10 days?

1. Yes

2. Jill has.

3. Yes my dad hugged me goodnight

4. T and I hug goodbye. 5. My dad after I had a big talk with him about his misgendering me and how it makes me feel. I was sobbing and he told me he doesn’t care what gender I am. It was a beautiful moment. 

If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret?

1. money just because the regrets are what shape me and who I am. I’d probably just put it in my savings because I have no use for it now.

2. Still money. I need college money. Unless I use the ability to change a regret to change my answer to money again, because that’d be a pretty big regret.

3. Change a regret. No matter how much I need the money. My biggest regret in life hadn’t happened yet when I’d answered the last two times and it’s now two almost three years after it happened. If I could go back and change everything I would. That way I could say I’ve hugged jill in the passed 10 days since I havent even spoken with her in the last 10 months…

4. My biggest regret has since been resolved and my best friend of over 10 years is back in my life for good I hope. Lesson learned, apologize and show your friends you care for them and want them in your life. I would still change the regret though.   5. Still regret. 

Where will you be 2 hours from now?

1. With Mal

2. Hopefully talking to John. If not I don’t know, sleeping?

3. Please god sleep. I hope sleep. And not still doing this quiz thing.

4. boring answer but sleeping

5. Working on grad school applications, or maybe eating lunch with friends.

What’s bothering you right now?

1. If you really must know, there are some very important matters on my plate currently, next to the peas and carrots, and the decisions I have to make to resolve these matters are bothering me profusely, to the extent of near madness. I like saying I know what I want but you see, I can not say I know anything. Saying that is sheer foolishness. I would like to say I know what needs to be done, but you seem I can not say I’m able to do anything, and what I’m able to do I’m sure would be useless in resolving these bothersome matters, so I’ve yet to attempt them. It’s the things I’m most unable to do that are the only solutions, and that is what locks me in this state of uselessness and flusteredhood. That is what is bothering me.

2. Mostly the boredom. And the way I talk in that answer. I wanna punch past me in the face.

3. I’m bothered I’m not asleep, I’m bothered I’m in the same situation I was in a few years ago, I’m bothered that I’m still not happy when I feel like I should be…. I don’t know.

4. I’m bothered of how I left things with each of my exes (besides the shitty abusive one, he’s the only one who got any closure and ended on a positive note despite him being a pile of garbage.)  3. The amount of work I have to do over the next month. I’m a busy person.

Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today?

1. (2. Still) No

3. Yeah “good morning sweetie”

4. My mom telling me she didn’t have a hulu 5. Linda laughing at a meme I sent her.

Is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind?

1. Yep

2. Yep and I’m willing to bet it’s the same guy as the one from 2 years ago.

3. Yeah and I’m willing to bet its still the same guy… just for different reasons now.

4. Mostly same sex nowadays. Thirsting for a girl in my physics class.  5. Opposite sex has become a confusing term for me now, but honestly not usually. This survey is making me think of my old boyfs again. 

Your best friend tells you, “you have a drinking problem”, you say?

1. You have a stupid. I… I’m fine, You! You are not fine, but I… I ammm fiiiiiine. I’m GREAT. We’re fine aren’t we… arrre fine. So go away.

2. thanks for noticing.

3. Please thank you for noticing it was a cry for help and I realize sometimes people need releases but I went way over board and everyone around me was just encouraging me so I’m going to move to massachusetts and avoid drinking as much as possible because I don’t want to end up like my father.

4. Ok maybe its been a bit more than a year that I’ve been trying to quit… maybe its been nearly 3 years. At least I’m getting a better handle nowadays.  5. My best friend when I actually had a drinking problem had a bigger problem then I did, so when I told him I didn’t want to drink anymore he asked “are you sure???” and continued to invite me to bars. for a year and a half. I didn’t truly quit until he stopped talking to me which honestly I thank him for.

Do you think people talk about you behind your back?

1. Probably maybe don’t know blah blah

2. Yeah but it’s all fabulous.

3. Yes, I’ve heard what they say, and I know it isn’t fabulous.

4. Yeah. Got called a bitch behind my back for showing leadership skills in a laboratory. So it’s fabulous.

5. Yeppp, gossip is a bitch but so am I *shrug*

What was the first thing you did this morning?

1. Sat in bed and thought about life made myself waffles and ate them while thinking about life

2. Groaned because it was time to go to school.

3. Praised the lord I wasn’t hungover went out to the living room where my little sister and dad were watching star wars.

4. Got ready for organic chem lab. 

5. I’m trying to drink a glass of water first thing when I wake up so at 6:30 I shuffled into the kitchen and did just that.

Is it possible to be single and happy?

1. of course.

2. Yes. Love yourself mother fucker.

3. Honestly I wouldn’t know anymore? Because I haven’t given myself a chance to be single in almost 5 years. Its been one boy after another with like a week tops in between. I’m assuming it is possible.

4. Great news, it’s extremely possible. Each and every boy you’ve ever been with, with probably the exception of Z, has held you back because you let them. I am thriving currently. It’s been just nearly a year of being single, a large factor contributing that hetero sex while sober is just not something you wanna sign up for and could not go through with last time you tried. 

5. Yeah. Absolutely. 

Do you have strange dreams?

1. Definitely

2. They mostly involve John dying or leaving me recently. Separation anxiety is a helluva drug.

3. A black tenticled entity in the water turned out to be radio active and my boyfriend turned into dale gribble and got submurged in nuclear waste and froze solid but then flew us to safety in his airplane. Yes. I have very very weird dreams.  

4. I birthed a baby then immediately left it to go to an opera. 

5. Man I wish I had an example. They get weirder every year

What’s more important In a relationship, trust or happiness?

1. Trust

2. I love how I answered trust here when at the time I was planning on leaving my ex for my current boyfriend. I really should have answered happiness. Maybe at that point I was still a scared little pussy (LANGUAGE YOUNG LADY) and pretending I wasn’t hopelessly in love with John. Or at least crushing mad hard. Anyway, I still think it’s trust, because trust fosters happiness.

3. Trust. Communication comes first. Communication fosters trust fosters happiness. If you are not happy communicate. If you are still not happy medicate. If you are still not happy get the fuck out of there.

4. Trust. I’ve been told I’m gullible but this explains it, I’m so trusting in relationships that I’ve had men lie to me and walk all over me. I trust so openly, but its such a two way street. I remember J near the end would just tell me all he used to lie about, which was a lot, and it really opened up my eyes. Most recent train wreck abusive sh*t hole did the same thing but I don’t trust that easily anymore. 

5. Trust. My last relationship ended because he broke every bit of trust I had in him. He broke it once and then after we talked, set boundaries and I made it explicitly clear this was it for me, a handful of months later he broke it again. And I was so happy with him -- over the moon in love. But as soon as I lost the trust I left him a week later.

What time did you go to bed last night?

1. I don’t remember. I fell asleep a few times on the phone :) <- AAAAAAAWWWW

2. Awwww this is adorable, it’s when I was still talking to John late at night. That little smiley face says it all right there. I didn’t smile when I answered “with mal” a couple of questions ago. There’s no way I would have not chosen John. I was way to into him.

3. Literally like 5 am I got high as a kite and sang songs to my boyfriend over the phone on the curb somewhere in my neighborhood and came home watched 2 minutes of chowder with him and passed the fuck out.

4. 12ish. Have an 8 am T W TH so I sleep pretty early usually. Still adjusting from winter break. Also those phone conversations were mostly lies. Less adorable knowing that information. 5. 11, I recorded backing vocals for my friend’s album and came back and passed out.

Did you accept or deny your last friend request?

1. accept

2. don’t fucking remember.

3. Probably accept.

4. Probably deny.

5. Left on read I dont know them

Did you speak to your father today?

1. (2. Still) no

3. Yes I (4. still 5. still) live with him. (4. after a year in my own apartment) (5. I’m eager to leave but I’m gonna miss him)

What do you think about the weather?

1. it’s hot as hades need sprinklers

2. It’s pretty chillbert, but it’s not as bad as it’s going to be when I move away from the warmth of florida and into the icy winters of the northeast.

3. This is hilarious I think I wrote this sometime in december in the second answer in Florida, and it was probably like 50-60 degrees. It’s august in massachusetts and it was 66 all day. I LOVE the weather and the icy winters of the north east are rad as hell snow sculptures are the BOMB.

4. haha even more hilarious, it rained all day yesterday near freezing then today it was below freezing so my soaking wet jacket and gloves were miserable to wear also I slipped on one of the death patches of ice. but yeah icy winters of the northeast are rad. 

5. Winter fuckin slaps, it snowed for the first time this season yesterday. I’m cold as hell but snow is the prettiest thing in the world.

Are you ticklish?

1. Yes, but only, for some reason, to people who I really care about and I’m comfortable around. You kind of have to earn being able to tickle me. and once able to, I’m extremely ticklish. Mostly just jumpy though

2. I let myself be ticklish for certain people. Currently that person is John.

3. I’m just fucking ticklish I don’t know what I was sniffing when I wrote those other two, but anyone so much as touches me I’m done.

4. I kick people when they tickle me now. I give them 1 verbal warning, I say I do not like to be tickled do not do it, I will kick you. If they try again I kick them.  

5. Still tell them not to tickle me. I feel hella violated being tickled now adays

Who’s car were you in last?

1. Allison’s

2.Michael’s

3. My own. (actually a VERY recent development.)

4. My dad’s

5. Mine driving back from my circuit theory class.

What was the last thing you drank?

1. Koolaid

2. Damn I had koolaid? sweet. Uh, I think water.

3. Still stoked about that koolaid I was drinking 4 years ago. Does chowder count if I wasn’t using a spoon? God what has new england turned me into.

4. Damn how do I, an adult, not buy koolaid every day. Also water. 

5. Hot coffee

Have you kissed the last person you texted?

1. No

2. If you count facebook IM being sent to the phone then yes. Lots of times.

3. Yes. Lots of times.

4. Yes and i wasnt a fan so we dont do it anymore. 

5. Ew no alabama 100

Does that person want to kiss you?

1. no

2. Yes he does.

3. I sure hope so.

4. Maybe? I don’t know, but he respects my decision not to want to anymore. 

5. Ew no alabama 100

Are you single?

1. i am not

2. I am not.

3. I am not.

4. I am!! Look at me now ma. 

5. Yes

Do you want to be single?

1. I like the freedoms

2. God no.

3. I like the freedoms, but no.

4. Any time you see me say “I like the freedoms” meant I rushed into that relationship and I wanted out secretly. And yes I want to be single. but I wouldn’t mind a girl to spend my time with, come home to, dote upon. 

5. I need to be single. Transitioning is one of the most terrifying confusing things I’ve ever done, and the idea of adding any kind of relationship or sex on top of that when I don't feel comfortable with my junk region is a big nah from me

Do you secretly like someone?

1. Yes (2. but it’s not really a secret)

3. No.

4. Yes, but its just a little school crush since she cut her hair and smiles at me every so often. 

5. You know it, I have about five hundred crushes. I’m starting to look more into polyamory, two (4?) of them are on couple-friends I have and how much I love being around them, and a girl in my chem society who ??? touched? my butt? but probably just as friends. Others are on just the general public, and every woman/nonbinary. 

Why did your last relationship end?

1. Because when you have a relationship with someone who’s secretly still in a relationship things don’t work out too peachy. But see, I didn’t find that part out until a month or two after things were said and done. It ended because he had a mental break down and we decided friends was a better option. Though we aren’t really friends anymore.

2. I left him for someone who made me a million times happier, who wasn’t in love with his best friend, and who had so much in common with me it was creepy. Sure leaving someone is not cool to do I guess, but it turned out alright, and I feel like it was the best decision I’ve ever made in my entire 18 years of life.

3. We mutually decided that we were not happy in the relationship anymore and decided it was time to walk away from it. We loved each other very much but love is not enough to make a relationship work. We aren’t speaking anymore though. He’s done with me I guess. I hurt him too bad, I got hurt too and said some things just because I knew he’d see them and now he wants nothing to do with me. (5. ps its good he’s done with you, even though it dipped life got 5000 x better.)

4. I told him I just wanted to be friends because school is too hectic for me to commit to a relationship but as I reflected I realized I wasn’t attracted to him and so now I’m spending some time with the wlw side of myself. An (5. seriously still) amazing friendship and music partnership blossomed from it so I don’t regret anything. (5. I ended up singing on his album this week!)

5. He broke my trust. I have a lot of trauma from a relationship I had where I trusted when I shouldn't have. He knew this and still crossed a boundary two too many times. That was a big one. It hurt a lot. Even though I broke up with him he really broke my heart. Somehow we have made it work where we are still friends, because mutual friends, and mutual classes, but I dont know how long that will last.

Where is the furthest place you’ve traveled?

1 and 2. Maine

3. That’s hilarious because now I live in massachusetts and Maine is like 2 hours away… now the furthest i’ve traveled south is tampa

4. Seattle WA to visit my love Marissa, who tragically I have not spoken to in a very long time. 

5. Still Seattle, but I am going to start planning a Europe trip for next summer.

Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep?

1. God why make me choose

2. Sleep. I haven’t been getting enough sleep and I’m not hungry.

3. Sleep eating is a chore most of the time.

4. Sleep. Currently in my semester I wish I could sleep 10 hours but I’m only getting 6 and then working my brain like a maniac.

5. SLEEEEEEP 

Do you look more like your mom or your dad?

1, 2, 3. Still Mom

4. I dont know my dad and I look super similar when he shaves his beard. I have his eyes and his dimples. 

5. Hopefullyy when I start T I will have a lucious beard just like dave >u<

How long does it take you to shower?

1. 10-15 minutes

2. 5 minutes.

3. 1 hour and a bottle of wine.

4. (5.) 10-15 miinutes. Yeah shower wine isn’t a good sign there, Lauren.

What did you do on New Years Eve?

1. Watched the Archer marathon on FX with padre.

2. :) New years eve. God that night was like magic. I spent it with John on navarre beach, and watched fireworks happen across what ever body of water that was.

3. shit that was when i punched my vcard. at midnight new years eve on the beach. um this new years… man its been so long oh shit i was at a party getting hella crossfaded with all my best girl friends from highschool, my exboyfriend, my current boyfriend and all of their friends. good times.

4. I spent it sober playing video games and watching best of monty python flying circus with Ty. went to karaoke for a song.  

5. I believe I was in florida with my family and B. I cant exactly remember though. 

Can you speak any other language than English?

1. some spanish

2. I know a little klingon. qamuSHa’ = I love you. (3. fuckin nerd)

3. Puedo hablar un poco espanol si tengo un momento a pensar acerca de ello. Pero esto es solamente algo eso estoy aprendiendo hacer con mi novio. Tengo una clase en septiembre.  I doon’t know klingon. i could not speak klingon if i tried. still a nerd tho.

4. shit I know more klingon now, the new star trek series is spoken entirely in it. seriously though 2 is such a pataQ

5. Duolingo is a hell of an app. 

What is the last letter of your middle name?

(1. 2., 3, 4)h

5. in a year it will be s (hopefully)

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

1. Cant remember, enough

2. Well I got home from the concert at 1:50, fell asleep around 3:40, and woke up at 7:40. So 4 hours.

3. fell asleep at 5 woke up at 11. 6 hours. keep track of your sleeping chillins. Sleep is so important.

4. about 6

5. 6 hours and 52 minutes. Sleep tracker app. 

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?:

1. If I don’t forget

2. All the time.

3. ALWAYS.

4. Literally used to put my seatbelt on to hot box a car that we did not plan on moving. But now a days I’m a bit riskier. 

5. Yes I feel uncomfortable.

Are you scared of flying?

1. (2.Still) in an airplane no, theorhetical “flying” yes.

3. I wouldn’t mind the ability to fly.

4. (5.)I have zero interest in having the ability to fly.

What would you say is your worst flaw?

1. :/ I don’t know. Indecisiveness, my inability to accept that I’m much more than I allow myself to be. Don’t ask me that question. In fact that’s a horrible question to ask someone. It makes them feel bad and think about it. Here, new question.

2. Good answer. But my worst flaw in my personal opinion is not taking medicine correctly.

3. pushover.

4. impulsive. fuels a lot of bad decisions, bad addictions, i blurt things out that hurt people. I know it’s a part of the bipolar and adhd but I wish it wasnt as bad, even at 23

5. I’m kind of annoying. that might be the adhd? I don’t know

What would you say is your best trait?

1. I’m nice.

2. I am understanding.

3. I give advice to those who need it. Even if I can’t follow it myself.

4. I dont give up easily. 

5. I am always preparing for my future. I have so much faith that I will do well and work my ass off to achieve it. 

How many times a week do you shower?

1. 4-5

2. Yeah.

3. HAHAHAH what bitch that goes down to 1-2 times a week real fast. Um I shower almost every day now, but thats just because I have a new shampoo and hot showers relax my old achey muscles. If i could i’d say a good amount is 2-4.

4. (5.) every other day just about, which I shouldn’t because I dye my hair.

Would you say that people consider you a major flirt?

1. I don’t know what they say, but I don’t go around flirting with just everybody

2. Said the girl who flirted with a boy she just met at relay for 12 hours and every other night for 4+ hours until she broke up with her boyfriend for him.

3. God I’m such a bad flirt I really am put me in a room of men or women and I will hit on all of them even when I’m in a commited relationship. it’s just fun. you flirt you laugh you have a good time they give you weed and alcohol and then you slip into the night and cry because snakes dont have arms.

4. hahah today I’m a wreck at flirting but its mostly because I’m used to flirting with men. Flirting with women is so much more difficult, the most I do is make eye contact long enough to plan our life together then get nervous and walk away. Fell in love briefly with a girl at the library tonight. Said one word to her then left. Tragic.  

5. I’m a huge flirt. I flirt mostly with my friends because I’m the most comfortable around them and flirting is how we communicate. But then when its serious or I get flirting back I get so nervous and clam up. I’m useless

If you could re-live one memory, what would it be?

1. (2. Still) Relay and the after relay. Relay was the best night/morning.

3. One memory I wish I could relive. Disney world. I was sooooo happy. Most magical place on earth fuck relay it was cold and that boy broke my heart. Disney world didn’t break my heart.

4. Walking the stage at my associates graduation. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come but I have two more graduations to look forward to. 

5. Probably most recently going to Canobie Lake Park with my chem/dnd friends. 

Do you give up easily?

1. no, honestly I don’t give up easily, that doesn’t mean I don’t get scared, and that doesn’t mean I don’t try and find a way out, but in the end I don’t usually give up. And when I do it’s usually the hardest decision I make. I give up on myself much easier than I do on other people.

2. I was talking about my relationship with malcolm here I’m pretty sure. :/ didn’t make much sense.

3. I normally used to give up immediately… I find myself wanting to do it again honestly but I’m just scared. I never gave up on us. I still believed one day we would be together and that now was just not the right time. You were the first person I worked the hardest to keep in my life and you still ended up leaving it.

4. No, I used to. I was very depressed and had such low self esteem. I don’t let things keep me down for long anymore. 

3. No, but I really am starting to feel burnt out at school so on a smaller scale like working out every week or solving my homework perfectly. Not on my dreams though. 

What is your lucky number?

6

Do you enjoy doing laundry?

1. No

2. It kills my back.

3. I did seventeen loads of laundry in 2 days to be able to pack it and move up here. Its safe to say I hate laundry after that.

4. Some times. I do it every week now which is more than I ever did before. Hate putting it away mostly. 

5. Found the secret to putting away my laundry is calling my mom or Oliver and jabbering at them and suddenly its all put away. So now I love it because I get to talk to loved ones. 

Do you like hot or cold showers?

1. Warm

2. dumb question, but i like hot showers. especially with boy.

3. ha live that up while it lasts sister. hot hot hot showers by myself so I don’t ever have to be cold.

4. Hot and with no man to hog the hot. 

5. I hate showers with people in like a sexual way. No fun to be had there. No what’s fun is a caring shower where you wash their hair and the part of their back they cant reach. 

What is the weather like right now?

1. Hot as hades

2. cold as a penguin fart. so not that cold I guess.

3. laughing because what if farts were cold. It’s delightful and i never want it to end.

4. Cold rainy/snowy 

5. It snowed this week but its not face hurting time yet.

What celeb would you want to spend the day with?

1. Paul McCartney

2. future me.

3. Aw sweetie you’re still not famous 4 years later but thanks for the vote of confidence. You played your music in public on a park bench for the first time iin your life so we’re making baby steps. I’d spend the day with Bernie Sanders.

4. Aw 3 years later I played a few open mic nights and am opening for a festival in somerville. More baby steps. Patrick Stewart. 

5. Bernie’s running again! Also I am putting out my SECOND album in about 2 weeks which is so cool. Uh. Eh, Lizzo or JVN

What colors would you like to have at your wedding?

1. (2.) I don’t know.

3. Yellow and Green. Spring colors.

4. blues

5. I don’t know but I found out wedding pantsuit exist, like a romper wedding dress and I’m living for them?

What is your favorite color?

Yellow

Do you drink?

1. Not as much as most land dwelling mammals, you see, as I am a camel.

(Alternate answer: I’m a cactus)

2. I’ve had jack in eggnog, which was nasty, and ale, which was alright but still too gross for me to finish. I’m not a drinker.

3. Oh man. Yes. So much. All the time.

4. Occasionally. I try to avoid it as much as possible but i do let loose once in a while. I usually regret it immediately. 

5. No! Sober since April 2018. I have my 1 year chip my friend bought me in my fannypack at all times. 

Can you see any stars in the sky right now?

1. Sun

2. Don’t know not outside. Probably though, it was a pretty clear day.

3. Still not outside too late to get up and check so no.

4. Nope

5. Yes and a spooky moon with wispy clouds

What are you craving right now?

1. Sanity

2. Something to do.

3. Sleep.  

4. Lady cuddles.

5. Honestly a fucking cat. I want to move out for the soul purpose of getting one. 

Who were you with when you last saw fireworks?

1. A crowd of people at graduation, but more specifically Marissa Jill and Meagan

2. John. I think.

3. I was with my dad. I had just landed in Boston for a second time with all of my things and we were in the parking garage and fireworks were going of on the harbor so we stood and watched them go off with the cityscape in the back ground. It was a pretty grand welcome home.

4. It’s been too long to remember. 

5. The last picture of fireworks I have on my phone is with Dad linda and Allison on a boat in florida where we saw dolphins and watched the fireworks from the gulf. Fun memory. Beaches Do Science. 

Do you have any weird things in your room?

1. I used to have a buffalo hat I made from a viking helmet… But now not really anything much is somewhat ‘weird’ save a few sock puppets here or there

2. The suitcase I’m supposed to pack my life in to take with me to massachusettes.

3. Artistic buttplug.  

4. New amp, various instruments, shrine to darth vader above little sister’s bed. Plants that are actually alive.   

5. clown mask, fake beard, fancy crown, balding stuffed beatles, plants at various stages of dying and two theremin. 

What movie did you see in theaters last?

1. black swan

2. The Rise of The Guardians with John and Allison.

3. Trainwreck with Elsa in the lowes (?) theatre on the commons in boston.

4. Star Wars episode VIII with dad and Linda

5. ??? Maybe the queen one. Bohemian Rhapsody. 

Who is the last person you hugged older than you?

1. John or my mother

2. John or my mother

3. My dad.

4. Tyler.

5. Oliver <3

Tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?

1. It’s a long story

2. he didn’t think I was weird when I tackled an 8 year old.

3. Oh man I forgot I tackled an 8 year old. I think what really did it for me was how he was there for me in one of the hardest times of my life, and constantly showed how he cared for me.

4. again, barely a crush. She cut her hair all cute and sits next to me when ever she can. We are both nervous and neurotic. 

5. God I read into everything way too much? I get smiled at and I fall in love. Butt-touch girl? I don’t know she told me she was gay and is open and friendly and has similar interests? The couple friends who held hands with me while we walked to the girl’s car tonight? which reminded me of my last couple relationship and I’ve had crushes on both of them since we met and the guy is fun to joke around with and the girl is adorable and holds me and scratches my head. Or the long standing never ending crush I have had on my friend, that one? most likely the deep intimate bond we’ve formed for years. The idea of ‘liking’ is so broad a term for me now. I realize all these feelings I have for my friends are ok and no longer feel super ashamed for harboring them like I always have. I just have a lot of love. 

What were you doing at 6:00 this morning?

(1.2.3.5.)Sleep

4. waking up for my 8 am organic lab

What was the last reason you cried?

1. Things are really hectic currently, and when that happens I shed a tear or two.

2. I had a dream that john wouldn’t help me because he thought I deserved being hit in the face with a plank and so I called him and started crying.

3. Someone stole money from my wallet after a long day at work so I cried because I was angry. Oh and then I cried because I was high and thought about that episode of pokemon with Charmander.

4. Sad things happened in the episode of Star Trek I was watching. 

5. I cry at least once a day recently. This one was because I was thinking about how sad I am and told my friend/ex I don't want to be trans and started crying. 

Are you currently looking forward to anything?

1. I would say my birthday, because it’s technically 5 days away, and because currently it’s looking like I don’t have a lot of things to look forward to besides that.

2. THE FUNNY THING IS THAT JOHN AND I WOULD BEGIN DATING ON MY BIRTHDAY! <3 I’m looking forward to moving, it’s going to be a fun change. But I’m really looking forward to staying with john all next summer.

3. THE FUNNY THING IS THAT JOHN AND I WOULD BREAK UP ON/NEAR MY BIRTHDAY 4 YEARS LATER! <3 I’m looking forward to the weekend I’m going to boston to play on the streets some more hopefully for cash this time.

4. I have a ski weekend on spring break with a big city LGBT organization to maine. I have a huge project with the YMCA I’m working on, excited to see how that goes. Excited for my first gig as Stars in Her Eyes.

5. Album release and being done with Grad School applications. And my friend who was in film school offered to do a music video for me which is pretty fuckin choice.

The person you like comes up and kisses you, what would you do?

1. Allow them to kiss me, giggle. I don’t know.

2. I can’t remember if I told John I liked him yet. But yeah I’d kiss him and ask if I can lick his booty then cop a feel probably.

3. Kiss them and tell them I never licked the booty because he wouldn’t let me.

4. Probably nearly pass out. Seriously the thirst is real for this girl she’s so cute ugh. 

5. Depends on the person. One of them I’d say took you long enough and scoop them up and run away to the mountains to start a farm. One of them I’d cuddle and kiss on forehead. One I’d panic and tell I am a broken mess of a person and as attractive as I find them and as fun as they seem, I am in a place... right now. 

What does your last text say?

1. lol im n real b/c lauren dosnt hav a cell

3. “I’ll be right there” quack

4. “do you wanna make art on friday?” Ty

5. yes and YES - butt touch girl

Its 2am and your phone rings, do you answer it?

1. Yep. If I’m awake.

2. If john will answer the phone for me I will for anyone else. If someone needs me at 2 I'lll be there for them.

3. If i know who it is if not fuck that noise i’m either sleeping or pretending to be asleep.

4. No thank you I have school. You can leave a voice mail. 

5. The only people who have called me at 2 am have been drunk. I will answer my phone if people need me, at any time, but if they are drunk and bored they are getting hung up on. 

Do you think age matters in a relationship?

1. Little bit

2. I think mental age matters way more than actual age.

3. Anything doesn’t fucking matter as long as it’s two legally aged consenting adults. You do you man.

4. Nah

5. Yes. Honestly. Depending on ages. My last relationship was with someone 3 years younger, and there definitely was a disconnect there. The closer you are to 18 the more it matters, and I read a good take where it isn’t oh you’re both adults. Fuck that. One has been an adult for one month and the other has been an adult for years. Or that time my 22 year old boyfriend was planning a trip with a 17 year old while we were dating. Then age matters in the relationship. 

Do you miss the way things used to be?

1. Sometimes definitely. But then I think that tthis would have eventually happened regardless and i'ma horrible person so I start feeling a little bit better

2. a little. there I’m talking about missing when things weren’t so complicated and I didn’t like two boys and one of them didn’t turn my life upside down. Here I’m talking about missing the memories I have with John, if I could relive all of them I would.

3. Ugh. Yes. Exactly answer two. But then again I’m happy with where I am now. With John wee had a handfull of amazing spectacular and special memories happen in 2 to 3 months and we held on to them for 4 years thinking we could be as happy as we were at that time.

4. No, not with how well things are going now and how bright and shiny my future looks. I wouldn’t go back to any point in my life knowing what I know. 

5. Absolutely not. I miss the innocence, and I miss the trauma-lessness, but I don't miss anything else. I’ ve been in a terrible place for so long, that medication and sobriety dug me out of and success is too sweet to stop now. 

Is the last person you kissed more then 2 years older than you?

1. definitely no

2. no she’s a month younger. (<<4. shit that was the first time Jill and I kissed. In a baseball field in Pensacola. 5. Go blue wahoos)

3. no just one year.

4. No? I don’t think so. 

5. Wow kissing, when did I kiss people? I guess it was B. He’s three years younger.

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?

1. yeah which bothers me because kissing in front of other people is silly

2. Michael  (5. lmaoooooo)

3. Nah

4. Nope

5. Nope.

Think back to September, were you in a relationship?

1. I think so

2. I was. I love being in a relationship this long that I don’t have to think too hard about how much of the sluttest I was in the past.

3. Yep…. September is next month and I will be again.

4. Nope spent the better part of a year focused on school and work after the abusive boy made me very wary of relationships. Took me long enough to just focus on myself. 

5. Nope, we broke up in May. I desperately have needed this time to be single. I’m trauma-filled, gender-fucked, and mentally ill. Good on people being close to me for right now. 

[[(2) It’s cool seeing how much I’ve changed. How much happier I am with John.”

(3) Its very interesting seeing how much I’ve learned in the passed 4 years… happiness doesn’t come from the person you are with.

(4) This is already my best year yet I’m so proud of myself building a life around myself instead of the person I’m with

(5) 2018 was a year to love, 2019 has kicked my ass. I’m not letting it do me in though.]]

[tumblunni]

WHOOPS A DOODLE

Okay I tried to attempt making my first lets play video and somehow i forgot to enable game sound, lol! Just hearing my voice over gaping silence would be boring as hell, but especially bad because Ciel Fledge has an absolutely AWESOME soundtrack and at several times I just plain stopped and jammed out, haha! I was so excited for it and it was even better than I expected!!!!

But also I made a few flubs here and there and i was nervous and awkward so its probably best that i rerecord it. Cos I was dumb and decided to name the characters after my ocs and then halfway thru i was like OH WAIT people first discovering me on youtube would have no clue who those people are, lol! Plus I got super hyper attatched to Ciel immediately and felt like I couldnt really roleplay as grumpy Gremory. I immediately started talking to the damn screen already I REALLY CHERISH MY VIRTUAL CHILLLLLD

and AAAA the worldbuilding already has me hooked!! it isnt just a shoddy sci fi setting in name only like one of the Weird Android Games i’m gonna post about soon. like there is SO MUCH deep effort put into how the logistics of the government work in this post apocolyptic world, and loads of optional lil details you could miss! like for example you start the game with one expected intro tutorial mail in your inbox, but also three extra ones in the opened section. And they’re in-progress news updates on the currently unspecified ‘disaster’ that happened to sector 5. All dated several weeks apart and being like ‘praise to our glorious leaders! the battle is going great! don’t question anything!’, ‘never forget the losses we had at this battle today, we will rise like the phoenix and defeat our enemies!’ It raises even more curiosity about what happened, and gives a lil nugget of extra info-now we know the disaster was a battle with an enemy of some sort, or at least that’s how the news team is framing it... hmm...

and AAA ATHE BOSSA NOVA MUSIC I think thats the term for it?? and the really huge resolution awesome graphics??? and the sheer amount of detail to everything??? and holy shit THE FEATURES ALSO AAA THE FEATURES!! you can pick gender neutral pronouns or other titles for your protagonist! and even though they’re a faceless self insert like in the Princess Maker games you actually get to choose stuff to make them be like you! you can pick a bunch of backstory choices that give you different stat boosts to the child you’re raising, and apparantly there will be more choices during the game to change your parent’s stats and thus unlock more boost traits?? they’re a big presence in the game?? in this parenting game?? your parent actually has a stats??? aaaaa just as a person who’s a big fan of this genre i am just SO APPRECIATIVE of the changes they made to the formula! it really shows that the creators know A LOT about the genre and about common player complaints and wishes! like there’s a sort option on the list of jobs and classes and you can do alphabetical and by cost and stuff!!! AND YOU CAN DRESS YOUR KIDDIE UP IN EVEN MORE COSTUMES THAN USUAL!! YOU CAN PICK OUTFIT PARTS SEPARATELY!! ITS SO EXCITING!!!

and AAAA I’m so excited for all the new features that’ve never been in this genre before!! there’s this cool fully animated system for showing your adventure battle things, and a unique match-3 puzzle game battle instead of turn based or top down fighting. And you get ‘battles’ as milestones in your different aspirations too! this unique fight style can work in different ways for stuff like a swimming class test or cooking a cake! and also there’s a way bigger focus on story and worldbuilding and awesomeness!! and you can make friends and your kid can make friends and you can take them as party members together into adventures instead of only as romantic interests to get special endings. And that means there’s also lots of platonic friend choices and even stuff like friend values with her school teacher who will come and fight post apocolypse mutants together, yo! O_O and you can unlock bonus multiplier trait things and equip them to help at training your different stats! you get two of them at the start from your mom/dad/parent’s backstory choices, and then can get more from.. mystery things?? milestones I assume! cos there’s this system of achievements being framed as milestones set by the adoption company, so the government sends you rewards for being an exemplary citizen. There’s so much worldbuilding even in the lil gameplay chocies aaa!!! And you can talk to your lil kiddo and i love her and you can talk to her and do so many more bonding activities than expected and TALK TO HER AAA!! I actually have a form of direct interaction instead of just ordering her to do stuff. And the tutorial seemed to imply that she’ll develop like.. personality values?? And get goals and like or dislike certain jobs?? I’m so excited?? Aaaa???

god this game looks SO GOOD and lol i spent like a whole hour just going SQUEEEEEE at all the cool lookin things and rambling forever and then i lost the footage :P but i’m realizing that maybe a lot of my WOWWWW moments wouldn’t make sense without the context of having played other stuff in the genre like Princess Maker? so maybe i might do a short vid on that after the first episode of ciel fledge or something. not a full LP but just a summary of the goods and bads of that series and why i’m SOOOOOOO relieved to have a new entry in the genre that’s lacking all the.. grossness. cos seriously no matter how addictive the gameplay is, PM has a stupid gainax anime thing of sexualizing the daughter and treating it more like a waifu raising simulator T_T Ciel actually looks like a child and acts like a child and you act like a proper parent!! and its wholesome!! well its got dark stuff but the dark is ‘post apocolypse’ not INCEST! aaaaa im just so happy and i love my virtual daughter and i havent even really started playing yet haha!!!