#he doesnt tell them about abuse right away. but slowly truths start to come out and the lies slow down

[unganseylike]

for others who disliked adams greywaren ending, what do you think about the part of his ending with transferring schools?

Personally, i can see arguments for transferring (in terms of adam not having his fantasized perfectly linear path to success), but i want to see him stay and deal with his lies and mistakes. ik that sounds mean, but i intend it in the kindest way possible. like it could be helpful for him to distance himself from the person he invented at harvard and try again, but i want him to contend with that and reconcile his invention with the person he really is; i don’t think they are mutually exclusive!

maybe this comes down to your opinion of his crying club- whether you think theyre really his friends or not- but to me, i don’t think this effort to build community was wrong, even though it was unhealthy that he had to lie about his background to do it. i think adam needs to think about why he had this drive to create a friend group and why he felt like he couldn’t be the same person he was in henrietta. i want him to feel like he can be honest with the crying club, or at least that he can his genuine self with people outside the gangsey. he doesnt have to suddenly dump the whole truth on them, but i wish he could slowly let himself trust them, as they have trusted him with their troubles.

Obviously it was important for him and his character arc to leave henrietta and for him to want to leave behind the person he was there (and the fact that everyone there knew he was poor and a victim of abuse), but i’d like to see adam stay in place somewhere and work through who he is there. I feel like if he leaves and starts somewhere new, he’ll still have that instinct to leave behind this old version of adam and reinvent himself.

what do you all think? i know we all hate the adam becomes a fed thing, but wasnt sure what opinion is on this part

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

2, 15, and 94 with LoSleep?

2. Royal AU || 15. Criminal AU || 94. Hair Brushing/Braiding

~

anon i hope you know this is like the Perfect set up for a rapunzel AU. maybe you did. maybe you did this on purpose. regardless... tangled AU

imma go with remy being the lost princess, and logan the dashing thief, because while my instinct is to go the other way around i like Switching It Up on y'all

remy's bigender, using male pronouns but female titles/referrals. he figured this out solely because he preferred the way the male pronouns sounded, while also liking being a princess a good deal more than being a prince. he doesn't mention this to mother gothel tho. i mention this mostly so none of y'all get confused as i go sdkjhncfjsd

logan's transmale, and his struggles as a poor trans kid are what made him go Fuck Society Actually. he targets the crown especially bc the king and queen can stand to lose their gold

he doesn't stumble upon the tower after being chased for the crown, however; he's just looking for a place to hide in general. he's just made off with a good sack of gold, and he wants to stash it for a bit, let the heat die down, before he tries to buy anything with it

and that's how he finds the hidden clearing, with the surprisingly intact, singular tower dead center

he, of course, goes to investigate, and ends up nearly getting run through with a broomstick, which he feels would be a pretty bad way to go

but that's not entirely horrible, because the person dangerously weilding the cleaning implement is a bit absolutely stunning

he says as such and almost gets a broom through a lung, because apparently this tower dweller thinks he's a threat and is also insulting them

after a... lot of talking, and logan wisely easing up on the complimenting thing (for now...), they get things figured out. the tower dweller is remy, and he's waiting for his mother to return from a store run or smth. logan has to be gone before mother is back, or logan will be in trouble

aside from the fact logan doesn't really want to leave remy just in General, he has some doubts about 'mother'. like why she was raising her kid... here. in the middle of the woods. in a hidden clearing. in a high tower. with no clear way in or out (logan had to scale the thing, and it doesn't look like remy's used to that method of entrance). and the best defense weapon on hand being a broom

so when remy faux-indifferently asks logan what the moving lights are ("i know they're not stars... please don't tell me they're stars..."), logan jumps at the chance to invite remy to see them- it'll only be a day, mother wont mind that long, right? logan can keep remy safe from his every fear of that real world, and remy'll get to see the lights, and everyone will be happy

remy's hesitant, but it's clear he wants to go. it doesn't take that much prodding to convince him to leave mother a Very vague note about being back soon and being safe, to go with logan

that's when logan learns about remy's hair. he hadn't noticed before, the dirty blond hair on the floor not having caught his attention, but he certainly notices it when remy's jumping out the window, cascading down the way by hanging on to all... goodness knows how many yards of it

if he wasn't already suspicious there was something off about this whole situation, the hair that was Way longer than it should be- and way stronger to boot- tipped him off pretty seriously

and as their trip goes on? logan's only adding to the list of Sus, including (but oh so not limited to)

the clear fact remy's Never left the small, sheltered clearing (which in my version is still within the forest, no overhead open sky) to the extent seeing the sun has him doubling over and clutching his eyes like they burn

after making do with some cloth wrapped over remy's eyes for a bit, logan gets him some sunglasses and remy doesnt know what they are at first

remy has too much fucking anxiety in his him- he hides from a passing person faster than logan, the known and wanted criminal

and it's clear he's not just avoiding social interaction- he loves talking to logan, and he's plenty social and alive and everything then- but he just seems to have some fear against. well. the world

remy is also... oddly clingy to logan. like. wayyyy too much so. maybe logan could blame it on remy not knowing enough about the outside world, but it seems... more than that. as if just bc remy's decided to trust logan on this, logan's the end-all be-all of trust or smth. logan's not exactly how to put it to words but. it's wrong

overall, remy has a very Vibrant personality. he's confident, strong, unwilling to just be led around and nothing like a damsel in distress. but it seems much too... surface level. like if logan pushed too hard, it would all crumble, to reveal something- someone- who's not sure about anything and who's terrified because of it

making their way to the center of the kingdom makes it all the more clear to logan that Something is wrong with remy, and that there is no way he can ever go back to that tower

because logan's an orphan kid, he's seen his fair share of foster homes, of some of the kids who come back from them

he knows what child abuse victims look like

that's not all logan's learning about remy on the way to the kingdom, however. he's also learning about his favorite story, how much he's thought about the moving lights, how the world looks so different from the ground. logan's learning how remy's genuine smiles are much prettier than the faux one he wears a lot, how his laughs are rare but perfect, how incredible he is between the poorly concealed fear and hurt

logan's a thief and a cynic, someone's who had long written off most of the supposed good in the world, much too used to an orphaned childhood, growing up in poverty, misgendering, pain

something about remy makes him reconsider some of his more pessimistic beliefs

they reach the kingdom at midday, but remy stops them before they can actually go in. even with the sunglasses, logan can see the blinding fear in his eyes at the sight of civilization, of all those people. he grips his hair, takes a half step back, looking about ready to call it all off and run all the way back 'home'

logan grabs remy's hand. the grip is light, easily escaped, but remy doesnt, just looks at logan, trying to school his expression into one of cool neutrality instead of fear

"i can braid your hair." logan says, holding remy's gaze as he speaks. "so no one steps on it while we go to see the moving lights."

logan knows that's not the main thing stopping remy from entering the kingdom. it's an excuse, just for him. because it's easier to be worried about your hair being stepped on then to admit just being Afraid, right?

"I will not let it come undone" logan adds, lightly squeezing remy's hand. i will not let you get hurt

it's a long minute before remy agrees, but he does agree

they sit on the floor of the forest, just outside the kingdom, logan's deft fingers making quick work of the tangles that have developed in remy's hair over the course of the trip, the thief carefully watching the way remy's stiff as wood at first, trying not to react to logan's work on his hair, but slowly relaxes, leaning back a bit, tilting into logan's touch each time it comes back to remy's head

it takes a while, but soon enough, remy's hair is mostly restrained in a braid that's held together at key points by flower stems, leaving remy's hair decorated with wildflowers to boot

remy loves it. logan's starting to think he loves something too, but he's less willing to admit it

spending the rest of the day in the town is surprisingly wonderful- remy keeps close to logan, but he manages to talk to some people at times, and when they find the library he seems just about ready to die happy in there

logan stays close to him the entire time, usually holding his hand. he's never loved being around people more

it's getting close to the time for the lanterns to be released when logan realizes who remy is

the tower girl makes a comment about how familiar the lost princess's mural is. logan glances between it and remy, between the uniquely red-tinted brown eyes, the bright baby hair that could've easily turned dirty blond, the story of a dying queen and a magical flower springing to mind

remy is the lost princess. and as loathe as the thought of letting him go is, logan knows remy's the one treasure the thief can't have

so logan promises to himself, after they see the lanterns, he'll explain. he'll bring the princess to the king and queen, and hope he doesn't get arrested in the process. he'll set things right, and then he'll leave

because the thief doesn't get the girl anywhere other than fairytales

they still share an absolutely magical moment out on the water though. the way remy's eyes light up seeing the lanterns rise into the sky, sunglasses off in the dark evening, awe-struck... and when logan reveals the lanterns he snagged at one point, that they two of them can send up- logic help him, logan's not sure how much longer he can go on denying the truth

they don't kiss, don't even get close, bc logan's too busy trying to deny the truth and remy's still got a million trust issues

but remy's hand is slotted in logan's nearly the entire time, and they release their lanterns at the same time, and they hold each other's gazes a few times too long, and that seems pretty damn close to Something for them

they head back to the kingdom land before the other boats. logan knows remy will prefer to hear what he says without too many people around them, and if logan's being honest with himself? he's running away. he's running away from this closeness before it can get him (it's already gotten him, but he's always been so good at lying)

then logan gets shot :D

bc mother gothel found that note and she didnt like it!! she was after remy as soon as she saw it, and now she's caught up, and she's not letting anyone keep remy from her

she comes totting a crossbow that she levels on remy the moment she sees him. demanding he come home, saying the world is too dangerous for him to be out and about, pretending the crossbow is for logan instead, that he's a threat, can't remy see he needs to come home with her? where it's safe?

remy doesn't move. mother is supposed to be safety, right? he should go with her

...he doesn't want to leave logan

things escalate. logan says he'll never let gothel have remy again. remy doesn't react to this, but he doesn't step closer to gothel either. her frustration builds. the trigger gets pulled

it's unclear who she meant to hit but logan's the one who takes the arrow through his chest, barely even thinking as he made sure he was between remy and the projectile

by then, the townspeople have begun returning to the town, so there are people to grab gothel, ensure she doesn't attack further. someone runs for the king and queen, because one soldier recognizes gothel, as long ago as it's been since she was last seen and known and Wanted by the rulers, wanted for taking their baby

people try to approach logan, to help, but remy curls around him, refusing to let anyone near, not trusting them, refusing to lose the one person left in this world he cares about

remy's hair has fallen out of its braid, falling around himself and on top of logan, whose head remy is carefully supporting in his hands. logan's trying to convince remy it's okay, everything will be okay, that as long as remy is okay it'll be okay, but remy's really not buying it, not when logan's blood is staining his shirt and hair and his voice is getting weaker and weaker and weaker

"it's okay" logan tries to promise, even though remy can barely hear him over the gurgle of blood in the back of his throat

"how can it be okay? you're dying"

"...and you're safe" logan replies, just barely, wasting the last of his strength to reach up, cupping remy's cheek, holding his face like he was the most important thing in the world, "you're safe. and i love you"

logan's eyes slip closed after that, and they don't seem to be opening again soon

remy could do a lot of things now. scream, cry, breakdown. he's already pretty close to doing a lot of them

but instead, he sings. he sings the song mother gothel always made him, the one that could deage. he doesn't know what it will do. but he hopes against hope it'll do Something. that it will save logan Somehow

and before the eyes of the town, before the eyes of the king and queen just fetched from their castle, they watch as remy's hair glows with magic not seen in nearly two decades

it's dangerous for remy. gothel had always taught that. people would do Anything to take his hair if they knew. but he doesn't care right then. all that mattered was logan. nothing else

he doesn't even realize what he's managed to do until logan's gently shaking him, telling him he can stop singing, it's okay, for real now, he's okay, they're okay

and you know how it goes from there... the king and queen reveal that Yep Remy You're Our Daughter, logan is accepted by the family bc Took A Hit For Remy Our Daughter, remy and logan continue to have their own issues due to Childhood Abuse but with each other, and their love, they get better... and they get to live happily ever after

[oleanderblume]

Okay more spinel

Because her character is cool and I like her.

So let's get on with this.

I know a shut ton of people heavily relate to spinel because she has an ostensibly relatable backstory, but also because she represents BPD to a rather miraculous extent. And I am in the mood to explain WHY.

So, when a lot and I mean majority neurotypical folks hear of BPD they think "this person is abusive and dangerous" obviously that's not always the case, the ironic contrast I have been seeing is that despite spinel's character typing, people are falling head over heals for her while at the same time; if faced with someone who actually does have BPD they would probably feel threatened by them. More on that later.

Anyways, how does BPD work? Why is spinel a decent example for someone with bpd?

Bpd or borderline personality disorder is a trauma based disorder characterized by extreme paranoia, fear of abandonment, social withdrawal or lashing out, excessive emotional eruption (feeling everything very loudly and all at once, but only short periods of time), general lack of identity and purpose, and spiraling among other things.

Because borderline personality stems from trauma and abuse, usually neglect of some sort, the person who has it has an innate urge to please others, a desire to be seen and heard and cared for heavily contradicted by their unstable fear and paranoia surround the people they most care for, that contradiction is what causes emotional outbursts and spiraling.

So, let's apply this to spinel in a way that's understandable aside from just pointing out the similarities in the disorder and her characterization.

Spinel has a history of prolonged abuse, despite gems living for thousands upon thousands of years, spinel is relatively young in comparison to her primary abuser, pink diamond. (Because spinel was made for pink and thus existed after pink)

Pink diamond is also her primary source of companionship. To put it into time relevance, pink is like a twelve year old, and spinel is like a 6 year old.

Spinel's only goal is to entertain and be a friend to pink, but she relies heavily on pink to be consistent in her approval of what spinel does as entertainment (truthful) and she relies on pinks companionship for the relationship to function as it's supposed to. She gives entertainment and companionship in return for approval and companionship.

The balance became off kilter due to pink wanting other than that companionship, a colony, and lack of proper communication leading to her manipulating spinel into playing a game she could not win.

Pink didnt communicate her disapproval of spinel's behavior, which in turn exasperated her own enjoyment with spinel, leading to that manipulation.

This lack of communication spurs the desire for approval in spinel's character, she wants to be good and a friend, was lead to believe she was, when in reality she wasn't, in her eyes. The realization of this began to dawn on her after pink left, but likely before Steven's message ie:

"Is this how it goes, am I doing it right?"

Spinel spent 6000 years in the garden waiting for pink to come back, under the impression that if she continued to play the game, correctly, that she would eventually return. Hence, her desire to be seen as a good friend who obeys and entertains above all else.

This is why she displays a deep desire to be a good gem be good at her job, and why she feels that she inherently isn't.

After she receives Steven's message, she is forced into the realization that the game didnt matter, pink wasnt ever going to come back, from her perspective, pink didnt care for her or want to be her friend, which causes spinel to feel like she is a bad gem, that she doesnt do her job, that she isnt good enough.

Spinel has received only the information from the broadcast (I am including the book reading in this because it sets up the broadcast scene and white diamond speaks to the screen directly after) she knows very little about the rebellion, or the war, only that pink made new friends, had a son and didnt come back for her withing the numerous perceived opportunities she could have. This aspect is important, as if the broadcast told the whole truth, spinel likely would have understood a bit more of the gravity of the events that had taken place.

After spinel learns of pinks new friends and Steven's existence, this is when her severe neglect and abandonment as well as a loss of identity kick in, she is filled with rage, despair and self loathing.

Spinel has lost her identity, her purpose, because she feels she isnt good enough for what she was made to do, despite being a perfect cut, she is nothing, all she will ever be is nothing, nothing to pink, nothing to anyone, nothing to herself.

After having no companionship and no means of safe emotional outlet, spinel is effectively blindsided by the sudden and impactful amount of pain and hate she is feeling. She has no way of confronting this emotion, and she doesnt know how to confront it so she does the next best thing, vent it out on people who were closest to pink, her best friends.

Essentially spinel cant focus her rage on pink diamond because she is gone, so instead she will focus it on the people who, to her, took pink away from her.

Now, given spinel's self deprecating nature, she likely had no real plan afterward, more than likely, she fully intended to be poofed, rejuvenated or shattered. After all, she is nothing to pink, and she is even less to Steven, she doesnt deserve to exist.

From observation, the speed at which she arrived on earth from after she heard the broadcast, she was likely having a severe mental breakdown and spiral, which can be incredibly hard to get out of when one has low self esteem and no proper means of emotional release.

A spiral is when a person (or in this case a character) becomes self deprecating and an increasingly more volatile rate, they are incredibly hard to get out of because the mental illness doesnt allow positive thought, the person will feel bad for their actions or feel bad about trauma or failures and will continually throw insults at themselves or those around them for trying to convince them differently.

Spinel spirals twice in the movie, the most excellent example is her paranoia of being abandoned leading to irrational thought and self depreciative spiraling and lashing out as a means of emotional protection.

I'm not really going to speak on the middle of the movie because it essentially rehashes that emotional trauma and neglect I mentioned earlier, the only difference is that is is comparable to a person with BPD who has effectively repressed those traumatic memories and is slowly reliving them, which subsequently causes a major relapse.

What I will say however, is that some other common symptoms appear in spinel like they do with folks with BPD. Spinel has an fp. A favorite person basically.

Folks with BPD often pick a companion of theirs and become extremely attached to them, they care incredibly deeply for them, and can also feel incredibly betrayed by them when they dont act in ways that the person is comfortable ie; displaying traits that can, to the person with BPD lead to abandonment.

Folks with BPD also tend to tailor their personalities for their companions in order to receive that approval they desire most.

Spinel displays this fairly effectively when she lashes out at Steven when he tells her to stay with the new crystal gems, she also displays the tailor trait when she mimics amethysts actions during the nobody else duet.

Finally, when spinel reverts back to her dark form, she displays the other symptoms of BPD, hesitance to trust, then blind trust and desire to please, her paranoia over Steven leaving her, and the subsequent spiral leading her to lash out in effort to protect herself from more emotional trauma and eventually dropping out of her spiral and then the final, trying to leave before abandonment can happen.

This is a fairly important one, as a lot of folks with BPD tend to feel that abandonment is an eventuality, and another form of protection from that is purposely distancing oneself and leaving before that abandonment can take place.

Spinel, after her second spiral is still very much traumatized, and still very much self destructive, has low self esteem, despite wanting to be better, so to spare herself the pain of facing people she has actively harmed in her worst moments, and to spare herself from what she believes is an eventual abandonment, she desires to leave and start over.

Do I think this is healthy? Mmm..no. mostly because I know that folks with BPD have an incredibly hard time breaking paranoia, low self esteem and self destructive behavior. I definitely dont think that spinel should have left with the diamonds because they have no idea what she is capable of and what she has been through, or how to deal with her self destructive behavior in a healthy way. They arent even able to completely overcome their own abusive behavior so..no, I dont think it was a good decision to have her go with them. But that doesnt really matter right now lol.

What matters is; spinel is a good example of what it is like to have BPD, she is a good example of the low self esteem and self destructive behaviour people with BPD have. She is a good example because she isn't seen as a completely lost cause by Steven and the others, despite what she herself believes. She has an acurate portrayal of the trauma that develops bpd, the symptoms of BPD in an easily digestible way and she isnt portrayed to have these issues completely resolved by the end of the film.

She very VERY quickly jumps into another relationship that can very easily be destroyed by either the diamonds or herself, and still struggles with low self esteem and the desire to be approved of by Steven, and the diamonds.

She isnt fixed by the end. But she doesnt get treated as a terrible person either.

Most people who talk about BPD who dont have it themselves very often say that they are inherently abusive, and overlook that persons trauma. That doesnt happen for spinel, Steven sympathizes with her trauma, despite largely being sidetracked and not fully indulged in helping her for her sake, rather than helping his own needs.

It's understandable and infuriating at the same time. Because the type of person spinel is, requires a different approach and a far more delicate one at that, something Steven hasn't had the same quite of experience with yet. Which is what largely caused her to spiral the second time. And it wasnt until Steven realized how selfish he had been that he was able to even make a proper and not misleading connection with spinel.

So there you have it, my analysis of spinel, why she portrayed BPD very very well, and how bod is a largely misunderstood and stigmatized disorder.

[the-small-one-to-rule-them-all]

Two Worlds Collide - Ch. 5

Chapter 5- To Save a Prince

chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4, chapter 5 (you are here)

summary: Roman’s situation gets worse and Logan does all he can to help.

pairing: romantic Logince 

word count: 3,496

warnings: mild injury mention, screaming, blood mention, parental abuse, knife mention, crying, vague drowning mention, death mention, unintentional deadnaming, self-deprecation, mention of parental abandonment, medicine, please, please, please tell me if there is something that I missed.

a/n: This is it guys, the last chapter. I urge you to please please heed the warnings. If something on the list is hard for you and you would still like to read the fic, I would be happy to give you a paragraph to skip to and sum up what happens in a way that keeps you safe. Thank you to everyone who has read. Thank you for sticking with me. I hope you have enjoyed this story as much as I have. Now, let’s get into it. 

 It has been about a week since Roman let Logan finish healing his back. Logan has enjoyed getting to know Roman better and learn about him and the human world. He loves how Roman’s face lights up when he tells a story or talks about something he’s passionate about. He hopes that he gets to see that again today.

He is definitely shocked when Roman does actually arrive. Logan gasps when he sees him stumble into the cove limping and bruised, “Oh my goodness, Roman, are you okay?”

Roman ignores him as he kneels down close in front of Logan. He is breathing heavily but manages to ask, “Dee, can you ask Dee if my mom and brother are alive?”

Logan frowns, “Yes. I’ve told you that before but I don't understand how that is relevant to-”

Roman ignores him,“Would... would you ask him if he knows how they are, if they're still alive, like right now?”

“You want me to go ask him now? Why?” Logan asks. He knows that he could swim there since he’s almost completely healed, but the prince seems to be in pretty bad shape.

Roman’s jaw trembles, “I need to know if they’re alive.”

Logan frowns at him, not quite believing him “Okay, I'll go ask. It should only take maybe an hour to get there talk to him and get back. Will you be okay to wait here?”

Roman’s breathing slows as he scoots back and relaxes against the wall of the cove, “Yes. I’ll be fine.”

 When Logan returns less than an hour later, he is startled to hear screaming coming from inside the cave. His first thought goes to Roman and he can only hope the prince hasn't hurt himself. He sneaks in. He only barely manages to hold back a gasp as he sees a man he can only imagine to be Roman's father bent over Roman, holding a knife. Logan begins to panic. Roman is screaming. He is bleeding. Roman falls to the floor. The man raises the knife. Roman doesn’t raise an arm to defend himself. Logan becomes frantic. The man swings. Logan lurches himself out of the water and screams. A terrifying scream meant only to be heard in the depths of the ocean.

The man drops the knife in shock. He screams in terror upon seeing Logan, “A siren! Run for your life!” He leaves quickly and Logan breathes a sigh of relief.

Logan rushes to Roman's side, “Roman, Ro, He’s gone. You’re safe. Are you okay?”

Roman groans and stares wide eyed at Logan. He latches on to one of Logan’s arms, and starts to cry, “Please, please Lo, take me to the dragon! I can't stay here! I can't go back! He’s gonna kill me!”

Logan runs his free hand through Roman’s hair doing his best to soothe him. He then places a hand on Roman’s gently pulling him off of him and nods, “Okay, I’ll take you to Dee, but at least let me help heal you a little bit first.”

Roman takes a few seconds to respond, looking around as if expecting something to pop up out of the shadows. After a moment he seems satisfied. He nods laying in submission, still crying as Logan kisses the cuts and bruises on his hands and arms.

Logan carefully looks him over, making sure he isn't bleeding anywhere. When he is satisfied that Roman seems to be okay, he finds that he releases a breath he hadn't known he was holding.

He runs a hand through Roman’s hair, “I can take you to Dee, but you’re going to have to swim. Can you do that now or should I heal some more things so you can get there?”

Roman sits up and clings to Logan. Between hiccuping breaths he insists, “It doesn’t matter just get me out of here! Take me to Dee, please. I don't care if my family is there or not just please get me away from him.” 

Logan holds Roman firmly and runs a calming hand over his back, “Shh. I will take you. Don't worry. But for right now I need you to calm your breathing so you don't hurt yourself swimming. Please, just try to relax as much as you can. We can stay here awhile, I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

Roman whimpers holding only tighter to the merman. And it takes some time, but Roman melts into Logan’s soothing touches and his breathing calms.

Roman slowly releases Logan from his grasp, “Okay, i'm... I feel ready now.”

“Are you sure there is nothing left you want me to heal?”

Roman considers it for no more than a second, “No, i’ll be okay.”

Logan nods, “Well then follow me okay, it isn't that far.”

Roman kicks off his shoes, knowing they will weigh him down, and follows Logan into the sea trusting him to guide him to safety.

They swim for a while, and make good time Logan being sure to set a pace the prince can keep up with. However, soon Roman feels his adrenaline wearing off and he swears under his breath as he feels his strength quickly leaving him. “Logan! Logan wait!”

Logan turns around, holding Roman up as he treads water for them, “What is it?”

Roman sighs and looks away, “I’m sorry but I can't go any farther, I.. I can't do it.”

Logan points not twenty feet away, “See that cave over there? That's where we’re going. Are you sure you can't make it?”

Roman looks from the cave to logan and back and nods, “I can't go any further, I... I can't. Everything hurts so much, I can barely move. If you weren’t holding me up I... i’d be under the waves.”

Logan frowns, “Wrap your arm around my shoulders. We will make it together, okay?”

Roman throws his arm over Logan’s shoulders with a grunt and holds tightly. Slowly they make their way to the cave. When they get close enough, Roman crawls up the beach a little before collapsing. 

Logan joins him on the beach and calls for the dragon, “Dee, Dee! It’s Logan again! I’ve brought the Prince! He is hurt, please help!”

Roman shrinks into himself when he feels the thudding of the dragon coming to the mouth of the cave shake the ground.

“What is your name, prince?” the dragon asks.

Roman gulps, “I... I'm Roman. Please, help me. My father, he... I can't go back. ”

“You are safe here,” Dee says.

Roman sighs, thankful.

Dee nods, “Your family is here to see you.”

Roman barely has the strength to sit up on his arms to see his mother and brother rushing towards him.

“Regina!” his mother cries as she runs to wrap her arms around him.

Roman grimaces in pain as she hugs him tight, “It’s Roman now.”

His mom smiles letting go, “Oh, how wonderful! I'm glad you have finally joined us, Roman.”

Roman turns to his brother, “Virgil! It’s great to see you again!”

Virgil gently hugs him, “It took you long enough to get here. We’re excited to have you come live with us.” 

Roman chuckles, “I'm so happy you’re alive. I had thought I would never see you again, I thought you were gone.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, it’s just what dad always told me.”

Pat runs a hand through Roman’s hair with a frown, “Well now you’ll never have to deal with that horrible man again.”

Roman sighs, relief washing over him as the reality of everything that has happened sets in. Then he turns to Logan, “Will I ever see you again?”

Logan frowns, “Truthfully, I don't know. I hope so, but I don't know where I'm going to end up. I... I learned recently that at home the whole kingdom thinks I'm dead, not that I would want to go back anyway.”

Roman frowns, “Wait, how would the whole kingdom notice that you're dead?”

“It... uh...” Logan  mutters gaping at Roman.

Roman doesnt think that’s a good answer, “Were you really popular or something or are you exaggerating? Because if you, Logan the literal is exaggerating, then something is either really wrong or you’re lying.”

Logan looks down and grimaces, “I... I would say nothing is wrong but that isn’t true. But I wasn't exaggerating either.” Logan takes a deep breath and steels himself, “I was the prince back home. That’s why they all think I'm dead.”

Roman’s jaw drops. 

Logan sighs, “I can't go back now, I don’t even want to. It’s why I never told you how I actually ended up in that cove, but you deserve to know the truth.” Logan stops and collects himself, grief and shame evident on his face, “I got washed up on the beach during the storm while stargazing, but I wasn't just stargazing for fun. My... my parents were the ones that hurt me. They... they broke my fin and cut my tail. I swam to the surface because I wanted to see the stars before I... before I died. When I got to the surface I realised the stars were hidden and panicked and then I hit my head on a barrel and woke up on the beach.”

Roman doesn’t know what to say, “Oh my god Lo. I... i'm sorry.”

“Don't be, I just don't know where i'm going to go now.”

Without thinking Roman says, “Come with us!”

Logan sighs, “I can't. I can't get out of the water.”

“Why not?”

“Because!”

Roman frowns at him, “That's not a real reason Logan and you know it!” He says pointing at Logan aggressively.

Logan throws up his hands, “Fine, you wanna see why, I'll show you why!” Logan yells. In a sad, desperate rage he pulls himself out of the water. 

Roman stares at Logan as he writhes on the sand. He groans and gasps in pain as his tail shrinks and separates and his fins and scales shrink and disappear until... until he is human. Roman gasps looking him over. His legs are all bent and shrunk. He realises that Logan couldn't use his legs if he wanted to. Logan won’t meet Roman’s eyes. Roman hardly thinks he would be able to see him through the tears. 

Logan shakes his head, “I can't follow you! I doubt you want me to now anyway, but I get it. I have never been wanted by any one! Not my human parents who threw me into the ocean for being born, not my mer-parents who hated me for not being fully one of them, no one. It's no surprise though, who wants to hang out with someone who is so ugly and different from them? Who wants a friend who doesnt fit in anywhere? No one that’s who.”

Roman pulls himself from his mom's arms and drags himself over to Logan, “That's not true!” he insists.

Logan looks at him sadly, tears still falling, “Please don't make this any harder than it has to be. I can't navigate the human world. I might just go join a different merkingdom. I... it can't be that hard to get a job, I hope.”

Roman cuts him off, he brushes a lock of hair off of Logan’s face and scoots in close.

Logan gasps, not pulling away.

Slowly, Roman leans in pressing a kiss to Logan's lips. Roman pours everything he has into that kiss, love, hope, pain, trying desperately to have Logan understand. 

They break apart and Logan sighs, “Roman, I can't... I... I can't walk.”

Roman sits up and shakes his head, “You don't have to walk. I want you by my side. And if that’s what you want too then we will figure this out. I will carry you myself if I have to!” Roman declares. In his passion he pushes himself to his feet, and immediately sways and falls. 

Virgil catches him with ready hands, looking him over, “He’s okay. Looks like he just fainted.”

As Virgil adjusts his grip on Roman so he can carry him best, Roman’s mom approaches Logan, “Hello Logan, i'm Pat, Roman's mother.”

Logan smiles, “Nice to meet you. I'm thankful to have had the pleasure to get to know your son.”

Pat smiles, “Me too. You two certainly do care for each other. I hope you get to spend a long time together, if that’s what you want of course!” she says.

“What?” Logan stares at her in confusion. 

Pat laughs, “Well if he can't carry you, one of us can!”

Logan smiles, “You would do that?”

“Of course!”

“I... Thank you.”

 Roman groans as he wakes up. His mind is foggy. Where is he? What happened... is that Virgil? Oh. Suddenly Roman remembered what had happened the night before.

“Where are we?” Roman asks, looking around the room. 

“Hey Ro, i'm glad to see you’re awake!” Virgil says with a smile. “We’re in Dee’s cave system. He doesn’t really use most of it so he lets us live here.”

Roman groans “Okay. I guess im glad im awake, but at what cost?”

“Are you okay?”

“Everything hurts.” He wines, “My head, my fingers, and all of my toes, even muscles I didn't know I had! Everything. Hurts. I think i'm dying.” 

Virgil frowns, “I’ll get you some more pain killers. You can’t be dying too badly if you’re still able to be this dramatic.” As he walks over to the counter looking for the medicine he chuckles, “You know, it’s kinda cute, but also a bit weird, Logan has been insisting that he has to ‘kiss the bruises better’ but this should work a bit better than that.”.

Roman blinks at him, “It... it actually works, you know.” 

“What?”

Roman sighs, “Healing through kisses, it works. I know it sounds like something out of one of my crazy stories but it does. I know it does. He has healed me before.”

Virgil nods, “Oh, well okay then. I still want you to take the pain killer.”

Roman grunts and lifts his head as Virgil feeds him his dose of the bad tasting liquid.

Roman must've pulled quite the face because Virgil chuckled, “I bet you probably like Logan’s kisses more than that.”

Roman sighs and changes the subject, “Is Logan okay?”

VIrgil nods, “Yeah, he’s fine. He’s actually probably going to come in from finishing lunch any minute.”

Roman smiles. Then he suddenly remembers, “Did... oh gosh, did I actually kiss him, basically say I was going to save him and immediately faint?”

Virgil chuckles again, “Yes you did. it was quite funny actually”

Roman groans, he would throw his arm over his face if he knew it wouldn’t hurt too bad, “God he probably hates me.”

Virgil shakes his head with a scoff, “No, he’s been asking to see you. You must've made quite the impression on him, the little lovebird. We have only been able to get him to leave your side to eat and sleep, it’s so cute it’s almost disgusting. He will probably be upset he wasn't here when you woke up. I’ll go get him and let you two talk.”

“Don't call him disgusting.” Roman pouts as Virgil stands to leave.

“Fine. I won't.” He gets halfway out the door before turning around to say, “Make sure to lock the door when you let your boyfriend kiss you all better.”

Roman shakes his head as Virgil disappears through the doorway. Shortly after Logan comes in, he’s using a wheelchair

Logan smiles wide upon seeing Roman awake, “You’re awake! Oh thank goodness. Are you okay?” he asks approaching Roman.

Roman hums, “I'm really sore, and hungry, but otherwise I'm okay.”

Logan visibly relaxes, “Good good, i'm glad.”

“Yes, me too.”

There are a few moments of uncomfortable silence, “So, uh, I like the chair.” Roman comments.

Logan nods, running his hands over the arm rests, “Yes, it’s a rather ingenious invention, isn't it?”

“Yeah!” Roman nods.

After a moment Roman looks at Logan and says,  “Umm, I don't mean to be rude but uh.... you’re human?

Logan chuckles, “Yes, but also no. It... it’s complicated.

“I’m in so much pain I can't move, I got the time.”

“I thought you said you’re okay!?” Logan scolds him.

“Don't change the subject Lo, that’s my move.”

Logan sighs, “Fine, I suppose it wouldn’t be too hard to tell you.”

Roman smiles.

“But no interrupting okay?” 

He nods.

“Good,” Logan takes a deep breath and stares off at a bit of wall, “So I was born a human to a human family, I was just as crippled then as I am now. I don't know what made them get rid of me, if I was too broken, if they didn't think they could give me a good enough life, if they were disgusted with me, I really do not know. I can’t. But, for whatever reason, they decided they didn't want me, so they threw me into the ocean. ir was there that my parents, the mermaid ones that is, found me floating in the ocean. They took pity on me. They wrapped me in a bubble of air and brought me to a sea witch. She made me a merman, but the magic only lasts as long as I am in the ocean, as soon as I leave the water completely I change back to,” He gestured to himself, “this.”

Roman smiles,“Well, I kinda like you like this, it means you can follow me here.”

Logan smiles.

They are silent again for a moment.

 “So umm, about the other day...” Logan says.

Roman blinks, “Hmm?”

Logan flushes, or at least Roman thinks he does, “You kissed me.”

Roman tries not to panic, “Oh, uh, Yup... that happened. sorry.”

Logan smirks and shakes his head, “No, don't apologize. I was just wondering, did you just kiss me because you were over-exhausted and potentially not thinking correctly or would you actually be unopposed if I were to kiss you?”

“Are... are you saying... you want to kiss me?” Roman asks carefully.

Logan crosses his arms and looks away, “I am not saying until you give me an answer.”

Roman smiles, “I kissed you because while my tired brain was spinning I realised that... I like you Logan, romantically. I think I have for a while. You have changed my life for the better, i'm so much happier with you in my life. I’ve learned so much from you.”

Roman sighs fondly, “I think I fell in love with you early on. I love the way your face lights up when you talk about the stars because I swear your smile is brighter than all of them. I love how you are so sure of what you know. I fell in love with the way you try to act all serious when we banter. I especially love when I catch you smiling in the middle of a comeback or after I call you a nickname. You have kept me honest when I was determined not to be. You care about me and about others. Lo, I would call you my starlight but if i'm being honest, you are my world.”

Logan smiles wide. “I.. you... that’s... good... I uh...” He stammers for a moment before finding his words, color rising to his cheeks with every passing moment, “Roman, to say you have changed my life is an understatement. Your willingness and eagerness to help me when you had every right and every reason to walk away... it overwhelmed me at first. I honestly didn't think I deserved it, but little by little you have shown me how I do, and I thank you for that.

“Your caring nature and desire not only to help people, but to make their day a little better in any way you can is inspiring. Learning from you and hearing you tell me stories just because you liked seeing me smile, in a time where everyone had rejected me so far meant- means so much to me. I was hesitant to believe it at first, but I know now, I have feelings for you too. You kept me alive these past few weeks, for that I would call you my sunshine, but I would much prefer to have you be my world.”

Now Roman is the one blushing, “Oh.”

Logan chuckles and scoots a bit closer to the bed situating himself to face Roman better. “May I be so bold as to kiss you?”

Roman’s face flushes bright red, reaching his ears as he smiles, “I... uh, yes, please.”

Logan smiles and leans down and Roman lifts his head to meet him. It wasn't the most comfortable position for a kiss for either of them, but they didn't care. They had come to realise they were one another’s world. And in that moment, as their lips met, their worlds collided and they became something more beautiful than either of them had dreamed.

[carmineclock]

Dead Man Blues

Doc Scratch 4:28 PM

Its been an hour or so since your big meeting with the others, hopefully things have cooled down somewhat since then. You'd like to think you kept it quite calm and tasteful, despite your overall annoyance. Most of this time you spent updating your journal. You really have to do something about all these journals, its not safe to keep so many. And yet... With a sigh you set your pen aside. Time to do yet more damage control. You still think theres a chance you can get through to Trace, though perhaps you might be as bad as Clover in taht regard. Hoping is one thing, some men just dont change. Still, you make your way down to the holding cells. Perhaps your chat with Trace just needed a more dire backdrop. A broken arm and a cold concrete room with metal bars could be just what the Doctor ordered. Hoo hoo.

Trace 9:01 PM

Dire backdrop is an understatement. Your arm is long swollen, wrapped carefully in your shirt to give it some stability. You know a bit of first aid, but that is surprisingly difficult when it's your own arm and the only means you got available are what you have on your person. The new wound on your chest is just as aching, red and bloody with a hint of gold. You may have managed to pass out for a few hours, but you could hardly call that sleep, especially with that nightmare. Her body, stabbed and strung up - not Aradia's, but Nepeta's. A message to the one closest to her - Fin, angryy setting fire to your very self. The images linger, even long after you finally come to. And then the nightmare after you wake up - Snowman and how she dragged Fin in for your mutual punishment. How she used your wedding rings to violently erase the tattoo on your chest marking your love and relationships. When Scratch enters, you're wide awake, as much as you loathe it. Your mind still feels foggy and worlds away, definitely not prepared for a talk with him.

Doc Scratch 2:28 AM

You study him as you walk in, taking note of the remnants of Snowmans lesson. As graceful as she is deadly, as always. The gold makes a nice addition in your opinion. You take a chair from the nearby table and move it to in front of the bars in silence. After you moment you sit backwards with your arms resting over the back of the chair sit down normally, like a gentleman. This isnt an interrogation, or a call for confession, its just a conversation. "So, lets have it out, Trace. Whats this Droog business really all about. Dont you realize what youve cost yourself?"

Trace 9:51 AM

It never not feels like an interrogation with Scratch. You look up and watch him as he gets comfortable, then stare off to the side when he speaks. The muscles in your jaw tense, and when you reply, your hoarse and cracking voice clearly shows your exhaustion and pain. "Sir.. Do we really need to do this now? I'm not exactly the best for a talk right now and I'm really not too keen on netting me another scar for mouthing off..." Of course, you're aware he wouldn't have it any other time then when you're broken and at your wit's end.

Doc Scratch 11:27 AM

"If you're worried about your mouth, then I suggest you keep a civil tongue. I'm not concerned, though. Theres a kind of freeing honesty that cement walls and metal bars bring that can be found nowhere else. At this point, I would rather you speak freely, its just us now." Just the two of you. Man to man, or whatever Trace can be considered. Its an interesting thought, his classification may change as his DNA did. You'll have to look into that later. For now, your eyes are solely on him. His broken body, his pain. "Tell me true, Trace. I want to hear it. All of it. I wont punish you for speaking truthfully when asked. Its lies I hate the most."

Trace 3:03 PM

You give him a sour smile. You'll believe it when you see it. "What this is about, you really gotta ask?" Feels like you already talked plenty enough about this, and you doubt you got anything else to say that could placate him. Only plenty of frustration that has built up over everything, and you're way too tired to filter your words. Lets see who of the two of you is going to regret that more. "I.. am sorry that any of this ever reflected back on you, Nepeta or any of the Felt. It should never have been anything but personal. Which, I realize...  there's not really a personal in this outfit, is there?" you begin, actually honestly. "This... it was nothing more than a brawl between two guys heated up on a little too much emotion. But then this bastard.. abducted Nepeta, tortured and abused her, and then me. Cause he was pissed he got decked in the face. And he kept going, provoking us again and again, paralyzing her, seducing another, hurting us, as a whole, again and again. How could you expect me to do just nothing? You've been sending a signal, to them and to us, that they can just pick members of this very house off the street and do with us what they want." You try to sit up properly to face him better, wincing from the pain shooting through your arm again. "How has this not been a war yet for fuck's sake? How come Snowman can take the god damn white queen hostage, but we sit idle when the Crew come to pick us apart bit by bit? How come Snowman can take the god damn white queen hostage, but we sit idle when the Crew come to pick us apart, bit by bit?"

Doc Scratch 6:17 PM

You sit in silence, letting him say what hes going to say. You dont blame him for his views, and if anything, this lashing out may prove beneficial to you. No matter what happens from now on, Droog will have the reminder in the back of his mind. Certainly he wont forget it. Idly, you pull at the edge of your gloves, nodding every so often through his heated speech. Well, hes partially right on certain fronts. It really should have been war by now, whether you wanted it to be or not. The crew have gotten bolder and bolder, could it be your fault? Through inaction, have you allowed the crew more purchase on this slippery slope than you'd intended? "To start off, I'll answer your question. The reason it has not been war yet is because we did not have the numbers to win a war." You let out a silent sigh. "In truth, I'd hoped to collect our full set before provoking the Crew into an all out battle. I dont know how many wars you've seen, Trace, but I've seen enough to know that as much as you and all the others may want to go to war, young men that you are, we are not in a favored position for it. The Crew will always have the love of the common people, they built this city, and those that reside here are their kin. They have the better defenses, and most importantly, they have magic. True magic, the likes of which I cant begin to match." You pause to stand, arms folded behind your back as you pace, speaking more to the open air than to Trace now.

"Snowman is an army in her own right, its folly to compare anything or anyone to her. This little brawl you've had with Diamonds, its beyond reason and a waste of resources besides. If you were provoked into action, then you're a fool, because thats what Diamonds wanted from you. But more than that, you've allowed him to take the higher ground. The city is going to bleed now, I'll see to that, but you've allowed Diamonds to make it personal. And a man on a revenge mission doesnt care for the ruin he causes. I did not take what I've taken of this city for the last fourty years just to see it burned by some self righteous bastard in an Armani tuxedo." Another sigh, louder this time. You rub your temple, pausing in your pacing to look back at him. "Provoking. Abusing. Hurting us. All of us. You're right on that front. What one of us suffers, we all suffer. It was my mistake. I took this for play, the usual violence between men at odds, petty revenge for the sake of sleeping better." “But no, this has gotten well and truly out of hand. And its too late to go back. You’ve signed us up for a a war we were not prepared for, against an enemy whose eyes you’ve spit in, and now you say it should have been sooner. Hmph. Maybe you’re right. I dont hear the heckling of those underneath me, but it would only make sense that you do. So, then, its to be war. Do you have any plans for this war you’ve longed for, Trace? Any soldiers for the army? Connections to supplies and trades? Or did you expect that all you had to do was start it, and that I would finish it?”

Trace 8:05 PM

Well, obviously, you don't have any of these. You didn't plan for a war, let alone prepare for it. This was a selfish and careless act of revenge and he knows that. You're slowly starting to realize that you feel more bewildered about Nepeta's reaction than the prospect of war. This life has already been hell and you're tired of playing along. How little you care about Scratch's achievements and goals. Still, that is not an answer to give your boss and, unfortunately, owner. You close your eyes and think. The least you owe the others is to try  And if you've doomed all of you to die and burn, maybe you can at least rip a big hole into the crew. "..How much longer is he gonna have the favor of the common people if he's burning them? If he lashes out without remose and care, use it against them. With fires burning purple, it's not hard to besmirch their name. You have sucked the people dry under threat of violence and torture if they don't pay up. If you lack manpower, offer then alternatives. The crew is torching Felt warehouses. If it's supplies we lack, take theirs. We may be lacking time to prepare, but so do they. It's not too late to gain the upper hand."

Doc Scratch 1:40 PM

You stand and listen as he rattles off his ideas. Theyre not all without merit, but theyre naive, blunt, though its something you've come to expect. How could he possibly have known what he was getting himself, and the rest of the Felt, into. "Hes not burning them, he's burning us. True, it was careless, but Droog wont stay careless. Hes distraught over his daughters death, but he wont stay that way forever. He has as at least as much of a tactical mind as I do, he was built for war." You run a hand over your head, eyes closed in thought, trying not to imagine plumes of purple smoke eating their way through the Felt manor. Purple and green clash too much, it would be hideous. "I have ways of retaking the people, though its not the dregs of society that I'm worried about. All  I need is a shiny coin and a loaf of bread to win their loyalty back. We need to spread out. We need bases of operation throughout the city, safe places that arent glaring green mansions on a hilltop. If the Crew want war, we have to play their game." Yes, this is sounding more like a plan every passing second. You almost get carried away, before remembering where you are. This is no time to get caught up in nostalgia. "You know, it would be much easier planning if we had our trackers back. You and Fin have skills that will be of paramount importance coming very soon. Yet, I hesitate to bring you into the fold. Why should I trust that you can stay your hand? That your loyalty to this organization will trump your lust for revenge? You've proven the exact opposite is the case. Give me a reason why I shouldn't just let you sit down here and rot until the war is over with."

Trace 7:47 PM

Hey, can't blame you for trying, considering your situation. The night in here didn't exactly allow you to do your homework. Neither does it help with the next question. You look at him, tired as you are, trying to muster up the energy to defend yourself. Can't say you're, heh, dying to prove your loyalty to him, but wasting away down here in this cell doesn't seem like a solution either. "I... can't live without this organization. And neither can those that I care about. I know that my actions didn't exactly show it, but I want to do what I can to help it succeed and keep us all safe where possible." You'd like to assure him that your thirst for revenge is well-quenched - and for now it is. But should anything happen to Nepeta and Fin in this war you've apparently summoned, things could get ugly really fast. You won't tell him that. He's probably well aware. You'd like to not have to come to that though. "You gave the reason yourself. We're good at what we can do, and without us, this is gonna be much harder to deal with. Sure, it's a risk for you, but I'd be the one out there, risking my neck. It's my blood they're after. I'm not expecting your trust. I'm sure if you send me out there again, you'll be keeping a close eye on me, until I'll maybe have proven myself someday. Not sure what else I can give you besides my word, and I don't think that's much worth to you right now."

Doc Scratch 1:35 PM

"Hmm, its true enough." You sit back down, leaning back as you think. If you were a lesser man, you might consider handing him over to the crew and suing for peace. That would only be a short term fix, though, and probably cause more problems than itd solve. Not to mention youre loathe to lose one piece of the set. "In truth, Trace, I dont blame you for your actions. Not fully. Droog brought his suffering upon himself. We're just lucky he was good enough to burn all the  evidence." "At the very least you'll be going back to work soon, though as far away from Fin as possible. Perhaps Crowbar can take up the handle of your keeper. I cant have a mad dog running around doling out a childs version of vigilante justice." "For now, though, youll enjoy these accommodations. Im just having your room prepared."

Trace 1:48 PM

You should probably feel relieved at that response, could have gone much worse, after all. But the feeling of anxiety and dread keeps lingering. "I guess that's only fair." You lean back as well, which sends another pain shooting through your arm. A quiet hiss escapes you. Cursed thing. "Before you leave.. with all due respect, not trying to tell you what to do, but I don't think you'd find having me lose my arm or my life to an infection practical..."

Doc Scratch 1:55 PM

You were aleady on your way out when he makes his request. Now you pause, and turn slightly. "Does it hurt? Good. Its supposed to. Someone will be down soon to tend to it. Think on your mistakes, and how you can do better in the future." With that, you take your leave, closing and locking the door behind you.

[some-thrilling-heroics]

So! me and @enkelimagnus had a nice long chat (seriously loving those~! *hugs* ) about malec and their relationship and how Magnus surely must have some triggers

TRIGGER WARNING for brief mention of Magnus’ mother’s suicide, his past abusive relationships, both romantic and not, talk of triggers and internalized victim blaming

~we are evil, what can you do *shrugs*

There’s anxiety and angst and crying and possible abandonment issues, but the major point is just supportive Alec and what I think we all hope and pray for when we think about telling ppl abt all the bad shit

I bet there were times when Alec does something.... ordinary, nice and kinda stereotypically romantic maybe? and while Magnus appreciates the intention it reminds him of BAD SHIT

I bet he has triggers from all those abusive relationships, not just romantic ones either but he wouldn't just come out and tell Alec bc /one/ that's a lot and heavy and he wouldn't want to burden Alec with all that and also /two/ he's a bit scared that Alec will bolt eventually when he figures he's damaged goods

so he just swallows the wince and smiles and pushes tru, tries to pretend that the roses Alec gives him are just a lovely gesture and they do not remind him of Camille

his inner monologue like "they are just flowers, he's trying to be nice, he's not going to hurt you"

or how that particular meal was his mother's fav and oh ya, she killed herself

or a specific smell that reminds him of living in the streets with stray cats as a child and he has to struggle not to puke

and after bad nights or bad days he's just extra sensitive to all the little things

the runes he sees at the corner of his eyes, that send shivers down his spine of "run Magnus, they found you!"

like, it's not when Alec is there and he can see this is his Alexander, It's when it's in the corner of his eye, or a quick glimpse in the mirror

or when he wakes up in the middle of the night and still half asleep and there's an arm with a dark rune on it, he freezes for a moment and then berates himself

but Alec is noticing

one night Magnus comes home to these delicious smells - Alec is cooking or maybe better re-heating take-out bc he can't cook, we established that lol

and it's so nice and he smiles, he is walking towards the kitchen to greet Alec when there's a sound

crashing plates and cursing

Alec broke something and Magnus is just frozen in place, hyperventilating bc he /knows/ how these things play out

because he /knows/ it's going to be his fault, somehow

that he's either going to be blamed or Alec is going to take it out on him

or he did something earlier and didn't realize

so he's standing there in place, trying not to male a noise

and then Alec notices him in the middle of his cursing and that's when he asks what is all of this flinching and the weird looks he’s been seeing

Alec is concerned but to Magnus it just sounds like a string of accusations

great, so Alec has been paying attention and been noticing his slip ups and now he's mad and omg omg he can't breathe

Alec comes close to him and is freaked out and he's trying so hard not to move away from Alec when he's coming close, because he just wants to get away but what if it makes him worse, he doesn't want to flinch away from Alec and hurt his feelings and make him suspicious

Magnus is also hating himself for not being good enough at swallowing it all, so he's just apologizing - he's not really sure for what exactly but better safe and apologize for everything

which just confuses Alec so much more as he leads Magnus slowly to the couch or the chair or just somewhere to sit bc Magnus looks ready to collapse

and one day, Magnus manages to tell him

it takes a lot from him

he asks Alec to sit down bc he has some things to confess

and he's so afraid

because Alec could hurt him so badly right there

he starts with a list of disclaimers how all he is about to say is not a reflection on Alec, please, just to put Alec at ease when he himself is petrified and ashamed bc as much as he is against blaming the victim he still has shame, obviously he /should/ be able to be better than this

Alec is watching him with those big soulful eyes

he told Alec it was in the past, it should be in the past and here he is abt to bring up all those exes - what is Alec gonna think?

nothing good about him, because he promised it was gone now, that he didn't think about them, and also, he's so weak

he lied basically

and lying is /bad/, it's one of the Bad Things

so he starts rambling, not sure how to explain

rambling abour how he loves him and how he’s old and stupid

Alec disagrees but he's not really listening to that, he’s too busy /remembering/ and meanwhile Alec is also remembering those ittle things he noticed Magnus flinching at

maybe he starts with ppl that are long dead? like this guy in 1920s that had big hands and black hair

or about those shadowhunters that hunted him for sport and how he remembers their runes for deflect or for agility

and then he talks abt Camille, one of his longest relationships still, he realizes that FUCK

those ppl are dead, but Camille is still presumably somewhere around and kicking - Alec is gonna be so suspicious

so Magnus swears up and down he no longer has those feelings for her, and he'd do anything - how about a charm that will tell Alec his exact location? or a truth spell? he can do that, just so Alec will believe him

and Alec is like “what? No, I trust you”

and Magnus ends up telling him all the things

and Alec listens

and every now and then tears start back again, bc one - the memories and two - Alec is looking at him with such utter love and patience he can't take it

like “how can he love me like this. It’s not possible”

Alec keeps holding his hand, asking what is ok to do and throwing random ideas and if those things would be good for Magnus

which is another surprise for Magnus bc he didn't really think that far ahead?

he just told Alec abt those red roses and now Alec is asking him if lilies would be better as if he intends to give him flowers in the future???

Magnus is like ???

"you want... to give me *sniffles* lilies?"

"yeah? bad idea?"

"why would you want to?"

“hmm because I love buying you flowers?”

and after Magnus seems like he told most of it, Alec is like, planning mode, even a little bit smiling and excited and he tells Magnus that it's all gonna be fine, they will work out their own little things

and Magnus is just having a moment, his lip is trembling, taking it all in

how Alec isn't blaming him, doesn't sound angry or hurt but how he's talking abt work-arounds and solutions

Alec suddenly asks if he wants to be hugged or not so Magnus agrees and collapses into Alec and by then dawn is coming

Alec kisses his forehead and says they should sleep, he'll take a day off, maybe come by the Institute later in the evening  and stops Magnus when he starts apologiziing for taking all night with this

Magnus snuggles against him in bed, he's completely spent and exhausted

Alec just holds him and he falls asleep, with Alec whispering how he's not going anywhere and how he loves him and how it's all ok

They take it one day at a time

Alec starts making noise when he comes into a room so Magnus doesnt freak out when he appears suddenly

if you liked this, send some love to @enkelimagnus she has the greatest ideas :3

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Glenn Close: You lose power if you get angry

From vengeful mistress to Agatha Christie matriarch: the actor talks about Harvey Weinstein, mental illness and growing up in a cult

Glenn Close and I sit at the corner of a large boardroom table in an intimidatingly minimalist office on the 14th floor of a Los Angeles talent agency. Its the kind of environment in which Patty Hewes, the ruthless lawyer Close played in Damages for five seasons, would feel at home and Im almost waiting for her to stand up, slam both hands on the table and shout, Ill rip your face off or any of the other terrifying put-downs that defined her double Emmy award-winning performance.

But Close is in high spirits and radiates such warmth I barely notice the chill from the tower blocks air-con. After we fiddle with the settings on our swivel chairs, which are so high they make anyone under six foot kick their legs like a child on a swing, the 70-year-old, six-time Oscar nominee and star of stage, television and film starts telling me about her dreams. I have had a lot recently, full of this wonderful love for a younger man. The dreams just keep coming and I wake up thinking, that was wonderful! It wasnt necessarily us doing the sexual act, just the feeling of love.

With her white hair cut to a sharp crop, and wearing a relaxed navy blazer, chinos and black scarf on account of the arctic corporate temperature, she looks stylish and fit. I have never felt better in my life, and I am, like, 70, she says. Im really a late bloomer.

She says she feels a disconnect between how she sees herself and how people may view me when I walk down the street, like: Theres an old lady. You know, there is now this cult of the model. Everyone on the red carpet is made into a model. That is very hard to not play into I have a bit of podge I am trying to get rid of, but its hard. I just think, Oh fuck, Ive been doing this my whole life! But the irony is, you just get better and better with age. You dont feel less alive or less sexy.

In Agatha Christies Crooked House. Photograph: Nick Wall

We are here to talk about Crooked House, the Agatha Christie adaptation debuting on Channel 5, before its theatrical release, in which Close plays Lady Edith, a matriarch of a very dysfunctional family. Close says, Christies grandson came to the set and he validated the fact that it was her favourite book, and the one that had never been adapted. He said when she handed it to the publisher, she was told she had to change the ending, because it was too upsetting and controversial. She refused. Its still pretty controversial.

This production, co-written by Julian Fellowes, might not be as spendy as Kenneth Branaghs $55m Murder On The Orient Express, but the ensemble cast is equally starry: joining Close are Gillian Anderson, Max Irons, Terence Stamp and Christina Hendricks. Close presides over her co-stars with gravitas and grace, in an understated performance that finds the humour in an otherwise bleak setup. But youd expect nothing less from the actor whose 40 years in the business started with star turns in Broadway productions (she won a Best Actress Tony in 1983 for Tom Stoppards The Real Thing). Her first film role, at the age of 35, was with Robin Williams in The World According To Garp, for which she received an Oscar nomination as she did for her supporting roles in The Big Chill and The Natural. Her performances in Fatal Attraction, Dangerous Liaisons and Albert Nobbs, about the life of a transgender butler in late 19th century Ireland, which she also co-wrote, racked up further Oscar nominations but still no win. This is seen by many as a travesty: Close brings a precision to her film work, honed through her years on stage. She has that rare taut quality Jack Nicholson also has it where you believe that beneath the steely control she is capable of snapping at any moment.

It was this that led Andrew Lloyd Webber to cast her in 1993 as the tragic silent movie star Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard on Broadway. Close reprised the role 23 years later, getting her old costumes out of storage (she has kept all her costumes and recently donated the collection to a university in Indiana) for its revival in Londons West End.

As Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction: Clearly she had mental health issues. Photograph: Rex/Shutterstock

But it was her Oscar-nominated turn as Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction in 1987 that proved career-defining. Thirty years on, Close still counts Forrest as the character of whom she feels most fond; she has admitted to fighting tooth and nail against the films eventual denouement, which turned the character into a bunny-boiling psychopath and Close into the casting directors go-to woman on the verge for years afterwards. Now we have the vocabulary to talk about these things, clearly she had mental health issues, she says.

Close sits regally still as she speaks, emphasising her points by leaning forward and locking eyes. Shes comfortable with silences and often takes a theatrical beat or two before answering questions. Shes all poise and control, but does she ever lose her temper?

I express my feelings quietly. I am not afraid of confrontation, but I am not particularly good at it. If I get attacked, I am not good at attacking back. There is fight, flight and freeze and I tend to freeze. That is not a strength of mine. I love the fact that my daughter Annie [Starke, an actor] is more of a fighter than I am. She doesnt let people get away with shit. While she agrees that women have a harder time being angry, publicly, than men, she says, I have played a lot of characters, and actually anger makes you lose power. Patty Hewes [in Damages] she hardly ever lost her temper, but when she did, it was very specific. I have always felt you lose power if you get that angry.

The collective outpouring of anger among women in Hollywood right now is something of which Close is acutely aware. She says that sexism in the industry has shifted more slowly than it should have done throughout her career: It took Harvey Weinstein and someone calling him out [for real change to happen]. I know Harvey, and he has never done that to me, but people would say he was a pig. I never knew that it was that bad and I dont personally know anybody who has endured that. I would like to think that I would have done something about it.

We discuss whether its possible to separate the work from the personalities involved in it. News has just broken that House Of Cards will be back for another series without Kevin Spacey, after it was originally canned because of harassment claims brought against its leading man. Close wraps her scarf around her chest and fixes me with her electric eyes. Artists, to make a huge generality, walk on a very thin line. Sometimes, like my beloved friend Robin Williams, who was one step away from madness, whatever makes them a great artist also makes them very complicated human beings. Again, that doesnt mean they can prey on and abuse people.

With Harvey Weinstein in 2013. Photograph: Mike Coppola/Getty Images

At the root of the problem of sexism in Hollywood right now is, Close says, biology. I think the way men have treated women, from the beginning of time, is because they have different brains to women. So I am not surprised by it at all. I say to a guy, Tell me the truth, if you see a woman walk into a room, what is the first thought that goes through your head? His answer, always, is, Would I fuck her? It doesnt mean they act on it. If you can evolve into a society where men know that they should not always act on it then there has been a positive revolution. But you cant just say that theyre not going to have the thought that is ridiculous. It also has to be the women, who are not powerful, to be OK to say no and leave the room. I think its unrealistic to say were going to change but we have to evolve.

I ask Close who she thinks is a great man today. She is silent, thinking, for what feels like a full 60 seconds in which I am so tempted to throw out some options: Barack Obama, the Pope, the friendly security guard on reception who let us in

Nelson Mandela, is her final answer, but Im not sure shes convinced. I guess for me, she says, greatness is taking your humanity and still doing the good thing. Its sad to say that there are very few men, who are leaders, who have some sort of moral code that they dont deviate from because of popular opinion.

She thinks we are undergoing a crisis of masculinity: In the public mind, yes. I was outraged when I heard that there was a war against men I was like, are you joking? What do you think has been happening against women for centuries?

Close knows all too well about the misuse of power, because her own upbringing was, as she puts it, complicated. When she was seven, her parents joined a cult. Moral Re-Armament or MRA was a modern, nondenominational movement founded by an American evangelical fundamentalist which extolled the four absolutes: honesty, purity, unselfishness and love. Her father, a physician working in the Congo, sent Close with her brother and two sisters from the family home in Greenwich, Connecticut, to live at the MRA HQ in Caux, Switzerland (Closes mother, Bettine, was a socialite).

She is vague on the details but clear on the impact this experience had on her as a teenager: I was repressed, clueless and guilt-ridden. The timeline is patchy, but Close travelled with MRA in the 60s as a member of their musical groups, and spent time back in Connecticut at an elite boarding school. I had a wonderful time at Rosemary Hall, a girls school, she says. I was in a renegade singing group called the Fingernails: A Group With Polish. But she remained, as she calls it clueless. A lot of my friends knew boys youd have these horrendous dances with boys schools and they would get the guys they wanted and I would just stay with the person I was with.

As Patty Hewes in Damages. Photograph: Rex/Shutterstock

She was briefly married before going to university. It is a complicated story for me. I was married before college, and kind of in an arranged marriage when you look back on it, and my marriage broke up when I went to college, as it should have. I was 22. But my liberal arts school had a wonderful theatre that was my training, my acting school.

Was that where she finally learned about sex, popular culture, the ways of the world? Not really, she says. I still am learning.

Close has two sisters, Tina the eldest, and Jessie her younger sister; and two brothers, Alexander, and Tambu Misoki, who was adopted by Closes parents while living in Africa. At the age of 50, Jessie spent time in a psychiatric hospital and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a weight that had been hanging over the family, undiscussed, for years. Talking about mental illness just wasnt done, Close says. You dont have a vocabulary for it and youre also very aware of appearances. You dont want to appear a crazy family.

In 2010 Close founded Bring Change to Mind, a charity that aims to end the stigma around mental illness by talking openly about it and its effect on families. It was my nephew who was first diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. This is basically schizophrenia with an ingredient of bipolar. And when that happened, it was like, What? My sister Jessie, his mother, didnt know what was wrong. He went to the hospital for two years and that saved his life. Then Jessie was, finally, correctly diagnosed herself.

With sister Jessie in 2009. Photograph: Getty Images

Close felt a duty to her family to give them a high-profile person who is not afraid to talk about it publicly. It affects the whole family. We always knew my grandmother and mother had depression my sister does, I do to a certain extent. But I didnt know my great-uncle had schizophrenia. I knew my half-uncle died by suicide. There was a lot of alcoholism addiction, self-medication. Nobody ever talked about it. I knew my grandmother was depressed, but at first I thought she lived in a hotel, not a hospital, because she always said how good the food was.

Close says she and her siblings are of one mind politically, but admits she does have members of her family who voted for Trump. I tried to understand that. Theyre not crazy people who have been brainwashed by Fox News, but I try to understand the anger, because I think that has been building up ever since Watergate. It was watching that scandal unfold that made her realise Americans have always been naive, we just take for granted what we have, and we always thought of our leaders as good people. With Watergate, people became cynical about government.

Today, she says, Washington is a bunch of self-serving She searches for an expletive and after a second settles on men. She says, Its hard to believe that people are so out for themselves. It goes against what you would like to believe about your country. I feel eloquence is incredibly important for a leader, and we had that with Barack Obama, who made his initial impact because he gave that incredibly eloquent speech, but he lost his eloquence in his presidency. We always need someone to say, I hear you, someone who can put their words into unity and hope and we dont have that. I think the last person may have been Robert Kennedy.

And now you have Trump tweeting nonsense.

Its devastating. Social networks are now like our nervous system, and if you keep pumping that kind of crap into the nervous system, it is going to have an effect on a population.

With Kevin Kline in The Big Chill. Photograph: Rex/Shutterstock

Close doesnt talk politics with her friends because she doesnt really have many friends. I have always forced myself into situations I am not comfortable in. I am an introvert, and I was painfully shy as a child. I think I still have a big dollop of that in my persona. I read a book called Quiet: The Power Of Introverts In A World That Cant Stop Talking and it was a real comfort to me I realised I was that person I had always been. And it was at that point I told myself to stop pushing myself into situations that I dont enjoy. I dread cocktail parties.

She tells me shes pretty reclusive and can count her closest friends on two fingers. I ask if shes still good friends with Meryl Streep.

I have never been close friends with Meryl. We have huge respect for each other, but I have only done one thing with her, The House Of The Spirits.

I apologise for assuming they were pals, being of a similar age and stature in Hollywood, and admit this negates my next question: Who would win in an arm wrestle, you or Meryl?

Close laughs. Oh, I would, because I am very strong.

***

The tightest bond Close has is with her only daughter Annie, 29. Annies father is the film producer John Starke whom Close dated for four years from 1987, but never married. Annie was never a door-slamming, difficult teenager. Close tells me: When my Annie was three, she looked at me, and said, I want you. I knew what she meant. I, at the time, was a single working parent, sometimes even when I was home, working or producing something, I was there and not there.

With daughter Annie Starke in 2010. Photograph: Rex/Shutterstock

She doesnt think its any easier for working mothers today and acknowledges, I had it easy because I could afford to have help think of the women who cant afford it and have to put their child in some shaky childcare centre. No, I think it is incredibly hard for women. Any person, in any profession, feels that tug [of guilt]. We discuss the intimacy of the single-parent, only-child bond. Once, I went to vacuum Annies car seat as we were moving house, and a lot of life had happened there, so I was crying. She said, Mummy, are you OK? I said, Yeah, Im OK. And she said, Here I am.

She was married to businessman James Marlas from 1984 to 1987 and then, following other relationships, including that with Starke, she married again, in 2006, to venture capitalist David Evans Shaw, divorcing him nine years later.

Would she marry again?

I dont know.

Does she think marriage is important?

I think it is a positive evolutionary component that we are better with a partner. I think to have a partner that you can go through life with, creating a history with, that you can find a comfort with, have children with there is nothing better. This is an opinion I have come to very late in life, at an ironic moment, where I dont have any of that. I dont know if I will again. But I do think its a basic human need to be connected.

Despite this, shes happy on her own right now. This is a good time in life. I do think, what would it be like to have a partner again? But it would have to be very different from what I had before. Then I have that great dream and wake up happy.

Crooked House is on Channel 5 at 9pm on 17 December.

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Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/dec/16/glenn-close-harvey-weinstein-mental-illness-cult-fatal-attraction

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