#he had a doc app today and i have anxiety it’s going great

[foolishhitt]

going to watch 40 movies in a row in order to not think about my dad getting older

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Pluralistic: 17 Mar 2020 (Punch Brothers and Masque of the Red Death, 2020 Census (ACT NOW!), Disaster Socialism, Scalzi's canceled tour, my Twitter account was (briefly) nuked, writing advice, Our Plague Year, Inception-level patent troll covid fuckery, tips for parenting kids stuck at home, Brave files GDPR complaint against Google)

Today's links

The Masque of the Red Death and Punch Brothers Punch: My latest podcast is Poe/Twain bathos crossover.

Fill in your census online: Otherwise you and people you care about literally won't count.

Naomi Klein: this disaster has no room for disaster capitalism: It's our moment to seize.

Scalzi's canceled bookstore: Support your local indie bookseller, especially now.

My Twitter account was suspended: I got in trouble for putting trolls on a list called "Colossal Assholes."

Talking digital writing careers with the Writing Excuses podcast: Covering a lot of ground in 15 minutes.

A new anxiety podcast from Nightvale's Joseph Fink: Proud to be in the debut episode.

Patent trolls try to shut down covid testing: Monkey-selfies, Theranos, Softbank – it's a garbage matrioshke!

How to live with your kids: "Working and Learning from Home with Young Children."

Brave files GDPR complaint against Google: Sharing data between Google services is a no-no.

This day in history: 2005, 2015, 2019

Colophon: Recent publications, current writing projects, upcoming appearances, current reading

The Masque of the Red Death and Punch Brothers Punch (permalink)

My last podcast featured the Macmillan audiobook of my novella "The Masque of the Red Death."

https://craphound.com/podcast/2020/03/13/the-masque-of-the-red-death/

For this week's podcast, I decided to read Poe's original 1842 story, "The Masque of the Red Death. It's some next-level gothic stuff. Neil Gaiman is right: Poe must be read aloud!

https://www.poemuseum.org/the-masque-of-the-red-death

As a chaser, I close this week's podcast with a reading of Twain's classic, gothic, comedic "Literary Nightmare," better known as "Punch, Brothers, Punch," easily the best story ever written about an earworm.

Warning: earworms.

https://americanliterature.com/author/mark-twain/short-story/punch-brothers-punch

The two pieces work incredibly well together, making a bathetic cocktail!

Here's where to get the podcast:

https://craphound.com/podcast/2020/03/16/the-masque-of-the-red-death-and-punch-brothers-punch/

Direct MP3 link:

https://archive.org/download/Cory_Doctorow_Podcast_333/Cory_Doctorow_Podcast_333_-_The_Masque_of_the_Red_Death_Punch_Brothers_Punch.mp3

Here's the RSS for my podcasts:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/doctorow_podcast

Fill in your census online (permalink)

Guess what's happening on April 1, whether or not the nation is on virus lockdown? The 2020 edition of the decennial census, arguably the most consequential administrative task in the US government.

https://my2020census.gov/

You don't have to wait until April 1. Here's that URL again. Whether or not you've gotten a census card with a code, you can and should fill it in.

https://my2020census.gov/

From danah boyd: "Everyone who lives in the US (regardless of nationality or visa status) is required to fill this out. Children under 5 are often forgotten. Same with long-term house guests. Immigrants, black men, and indigenous communities are often undercounted too. If you want to make sure that your community gets its fair share of funding and political power, make sure to get everyone in your community to fill this out. The more people missing, the more you lose out."

If digital isn't your thing, call:

English 844-330-2020 Español 844-468-2020 普通话 844-391-2020 粤语 844-398-2020 tiếng Việt 844-461-2020 한국어 844-392-2020 pусский 844-417-2020 العربية:844-416-2020 Tagalog 844-478-2020 Polish 844-479-2020 Français 844-494-2020 Kreyòl Ayisyen 844-477-2020 Português 844-474-2020 日本語 844-460-2020

If you're reading this, you're on a device that can be used to fill it out.

Naomi Klein: this disaster has no room for disaster capitalism (permalink)

In The Shock Doctrine, Naomi Klein coined "disaster capitalism" to describe how, during a crisis, "ideas lying around" about how to enrich the few and take away our rights come to the fore.

In this short doc, she applies the theory to coronavirus.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niwNTI9Nqd8

The shock doctrine is well underway: privatizing social security, closing borders, maybe canceling elections.

But as Klein points out, disasters don't always precipitate oligarchy. The Great Depression catalyzed the New Deal and transformative change.

This is moment to seize. We have "ideas lying around" that are better than exploitation and oligarchy: ideas like a $15 minimum wage, an inclusive government, evidence-based policy free from corporate influence, Medicare for All, and, most of all, the Green New Deal.

Scalzi's canceled bookstore (permalink)

John Scalzi has had to cancel his tour for for The Last Emperox, a book in The Collapsing Empire series. It was the right call for him (and Tor Books to make).

https://whatever.scalzi.com/2020/03/16/important-news-about-the-last-emperox-tour/

Even though it was the right call, it comes at a cost – to John, to Tor, and, especially, to the indie bookstores that rely on author events to keep the lights on. That's why John has urged his readers to "Keep your pre-order at your local bookstore, or make that pre-order at your local bookstore. Your local bookstore needs you right now."

He also suggests that you consider ordering a signed limited edition hardcover from Subterranean:

https://subterraneanpress.com/last-emperox

And John will be going into his local indie to sign books for mail order for so long as it's permitted:

http://www.jayandmarysbooks.com/

Indie booksellers aren't the most endangered or hardest-hit among those who will be devastated by the virus, by official incompetence and indifference, and by monopolism and corruption, but they will still be VERY endangered and VERY hard-hit. They need your support.

My Twitter account was suspended (permalink)

My Twitter account is back!

Here's what happened:

I woke up yesterday morning and discovered that my account was locked. There was no explanation, either in the app, the site or my email for this. I contacted everyone I knew at Twitter, and everyone who knew anyone at Twitter. At 830AM Pacific – about 5h after the suspension – I got an email from support – saying I'd been suspended for having a list to which I add trolls called "colossal assholes."

I'm not sure that this qualifies as a ToS violation (I gave up reporting trolls who called me much worse, because Twitter inevitably replied that these epithets were not prohibited), but it's super-weird that they suspended me without warning or explanation. Also weird: I could not rename the list while suspended, only delete it (I tried to rename it "thoroughly unpleasant individuals").

Weirder: "Colossal assholes" got me suspended, but not its companion list, "Toe-faced shitweasels"

Thanks to everyone who contacted Twitter on my behalf, and for the Twitter folks who lit a fire to get that suspension explanation email sent my way.

All of my followers were deleted. Twitter tells me they'll reappear over 24h or so, but more than 100k are still missing. If you're interested in seeing my future tweets, please double-check that you're subscribed.

Also, in response to Twitter's sensitivity about "colossal assholes" as a listname, I've renamed and expanded my lists.

Potent emetics

Tissue-thin bad faith

Foolish timewasters

Beneath contempt

Odious nonsense-spewers

Confederate gravy-eaters

Toe-faced stenchweasels

Hilariously inept lackwits

Probably bots

Thick as two short planks

Raving conspiracists

Sociopath climate deniers

Dim bulb centrists

Inept MAGA trolls

Red scare bedwetters

Talking digital writing careers with the Writing Excuses podcast (permalink)

Back when cruise ships were a thing, I went out on the Writing Excuses Cruise as an instructor with Mary Robinette Kowal and friends. While there, we recorded an episode of the Writing Excuses podcast.

https://podplayer.net/?id=99014840

In a mere 25 minutes, we pack in a lot of material: how to break into the field, what a publisher's job is, how "digital is different," self-promotion, not being an unlikable weirdo when you're self-promoting, technology's role in shaping artistic success, and more.

Here's an MP3:

https://writingexcuses.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/WX15_11_digital_is_different.mp3

And here's the RSS to subscribe to the podcast:

https://writingexcuses.com/feed/podcast/

A new anxiety podcast from Nightvale's Joseph Fink (permalink)

Our Plague Year is a new podcast from Joseph Fink of Welcome to Nightvale fame. It features short spoken-word essays about this extraordinary, scary, uncertain time.

https://ourplagueyear.libsyn.com/

The debut installment just went live and I was proud to contribute a piece to it, "Don't Look for the Helpers," which PM Press will be publishing in text form shortly.

https://ourplagueyear.libsyn.com/the-lesson-of-a-plague

Also in this episode: "Social Distances" by Nisi Shawl.

MP3 here:

https://traffic.libsyn.com/secure/ourplagueyear/The_Lesson_of_a_Plague.mp3

Patent trolls try to shut down covid testing (permalink)

It's nearly impossible to sum up all the terrible in this story about a patent troll who is attacking America's ability to make and distribute coronovirus test-kits.

Labrador Diagnostics LLC is a patent troll (💩) that bought two of Theranos's patents (💩💩). They're a shell company spun up by Fortress Investment Group, Softbank's (💩💩💩) giant patent troll (💩💩💩💩). They're suing Biofire, a company that actually makes things (as opposed to Labrador, which only makes lawsuits). Which things are Biofire making? Covid-19 tests (💩💩💩💩💩).

They're represented by Irell & Manella, a lawfirm that previously claimed to represent a monkey. No, really. (💩💩💩💩💩💩)

It's inception-level terrible, a grifty shit burrito encased in a shit-flour tortilla, wrapped in a layer of shit-foil, and served in a go-bag of shitty, shitty, shit.

This is the kind of shit-matrioshke that could wipe out our species.

How to live with your kids (permalink)

I'm really impressed with Erin Kissane's "Working and Learning from Home with Young Children" – an important sanity check for anyone ramping up a new way of relating to our kids.

http://incisive.nu/2020/working-and-learning-from-home/

"Don't be Captain Homeschool on day one" is definitely a lesson we've already learned the hard way, and I'm excited to try out its antidote, "Rhythms > schedules":

"A simple rhythm is resilient, so when something goes sideways, recovery is much simpler."

Also impressed by the accompanying "rhythm chart" (something something "rhythm method" something something "parenting").

"Hold a morning household meeting" is something we're definitely doing, albeit awkwardly because we're taking advantage of the school break to let our kid do the sleeping in she never gets to do otherwise, so we're already up and about by the time she's ready for this.

Also impressed by the recco for the Raising Free People podcast, for unschoolers, free schoolers, Adlerians and democratic parents.

https://www.raisingfreepeople.com/podcast/

Brave files GDPR complaint against Google (permalink)

It's long been obvious that US Big Tech companies are unserious about their GDPR compliance, taking cosmetic, pro-forma measures that don't really engage with the substance of the rules (those rules demand nothing less than a top-to-bottom industry restructure).

EU regulators have been slow to punish them for this, but the GDRP affords standing to many private actors to demand action for noncompliance, which is how it is that Brave has filed GDPR action against Google.

https://cointelegraph.com/news/brave-browser-delivers-on-promise-files-gdpr-complaint-against-google

The complaint's substance is that Google is collecting data through its many products, divisions and services and merging that data on the back-end, which the GDPR expressly prohibits without meaningful, opt-in consent (and you can't deny service those who don't consent).

Brave published a study that analyzed Google's communications with users, partners, regulators and customers and showed that these are effectively an admission of the kind of "data-tying" that the GDPR bans.

https://brave.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Inside-the-Black-Box.pdf

I continue to use Brave and Firefox as my daily-driver browsers; I'm impressed with the quality of both, and how much better they make the web.

This action by Brave might trigger the kind of reckoning that the GDPR was meant to provoke — at long last.

This day in history (permalink)

#15yrsago ETECH Notes: Life Hacks Live! (Danny O'Brien and Merlin Mann) https://craphound.com/etech2005-lifehacks.txt

#15yrago Sterling and Steffen's SXSW keynote https://web.archive.org/web/20050318074350/http://www.worldchanging.com/archives/002353.html

#5yrsago The Glorkian Warrior Eats Adventure Pie https://boingboing.net/2015/03/17/the-glorkian-warrior-eats-adve.html

#1yrago China's "pawn shops" have loaned $43B, mostly secured by real-estate https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2019-03-12/china-is-said-to-scrutinize-43-billion-pawn-shop-lending-boom

#1yrago Chinese enthusiasts are serving global Thinkpad fans by making modern motherboards that fit in classic chassis from the Golden Age of the Thinkpad https://geoff.greer.fm/2019/03/04/thinkpad-x210/

#1yrago Majority of London's newly built luxury flats are unsold, raising the spectre of "posh ghost towers" https://www.theguardian.com/business/2018/jan/26/ghost-towers-half-of-new-build-luxury-london-flats-fail-to-sell

#1yrago Myspace lost all the music its users uploaded between 2003 and 2015 https://www.reddit.com/r/techsupport/comments/7uiv8b/myspace_player_wont_play_songs_and_i_want_to/

Colophon (permalink)

Today's top sources: Kottke (https://kottke.org), Slashdot (https://slashdot.org).

Currently writing: I've just finished rewrites on a short story, "The Canadian Miracle," for MIT Tech Review. It's a story set in the world of my next novel, "The Lost Cause," a post-GND novel about truth and reconciliation. I've also just completed "Baby Twitter," a piece of design fiction also set in The Lost Cause's prehistory, for a British think-tank. I'm getting geared up to start work on the novel next.

Currently reading: Just started Lauren Beukes's forthcoming Afterland: it's Y the Last Man plus plus, and two chapters in, it's amazeballs. Last month, I finished Andrea Bernstein's "American Oligarchs"; it's a magnificent history of the Kushner and Trump families, showing how they cheated, stole and lied their way into power. I'm getting really into Anna Weiner's memoir about tech, "Uncanny Valley." I just loaded Matt Stoller's "Goliath" onto my underwater MP3 player and I'm listening to it as I swim laps.

Latest podcast: The Masque of the Red Death and Punch Brothers Punch https://craphound.com/podcast/2020/03/16/the-masque-of-the-red-death-and-punch-brothers-punch/

Upcoming books: "Poesy the Monster Slayer" (Jul 2020), a picture book about monsters, bedtime, gender, and kicking ass. Pre-order here: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781626723627?utm_source=socialmedia&utm_medium=socialpost&utm_term=na-poesycorypreorder&utm_content=na-preorder-buynow&utm_campaign=9781626723627

(we're having a launch for it in Burbank on July 11 at Dark Delicacies and you can get me AND Poesy to sign it and Dark Del will ship it to the monster kids in your life in time for the release date).

"Attack Surface": The third Little Brother book, Oct 20, 2020. https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250757531

"Little Brother/Homeland": A reissue omnibus edition with a new introduction by Edward Snowden: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250774583

[lavendermenaceart]

365 Days

Summary: This is your 365th day with the BAU. You’ve become part of the family, no matter how hard that tasked had seemed at first. The team decides to celebrate but the party is ruined by your intense feelings for the local genius. 

Word count: 2,426

Docs link

Warnings: Angst, jealousy, Open ended. This was a request from an anon <3 Thanks anon!!

Today marked your 365th day as a member of the BAU. You had been implemented to help JJ with communication liaison since she had been spending more and more time out and the field and also needed time with her other family. You say “other family” because the BAU truly was a family. At first, you felt like the odd one out, trying to integrate yourself but no disrupt the synergy the team already had with each other.

It was a difficult balance, but it had paid off. You’d become part of the family, and forged meaningful relationships with the entire team. One of your deepest relationships was with Penelope Garcia, but even she didn’t know about your crush on the local genius.

You thought as soon as the feelings started to develop, that you would be had by the world-class profilers. If they had notice, no one said anything. There had been teasing, light hints like “If you ever start seeing someone, they have to be family approved” and the like. The issue wasn’t lack of options, it was just Spencer.

You couldn’t move on from him. You tried all your tricks when you knew the other person didn’t like you. You would try to find things that annoyed you about him or things you dislike in other people. Nothing worked. He was too endearing, too much of a good person. He wasn’t perfect, but you couldn’t force yourself to love him any less.

Your crush had been disrupting your work, as you found yourself peering through your office window to glance at him, or you would pause unknowingly while working to imagine being in his arms or finally confessing. Sometimes you would catch yourself tearing up while he was in the field, knowing your new family and especially Spencer could never return.

You had started to come in early, earlier than Emily and anyone else on the team. At first, Emily had been concerned and curious but by now it was normal. Today, while working on case files and organization, you heard soft rapping at your door.

Standing, you cleared your throat and called “Come in.”

“Morning, Here is a little gift for your 1 year.” The dark-haired Emily Prentiss walked in, holding a cup of coffee that you knew you desperately needed.

You practically danced over to her, taking the foam cup from her and taking a sip.

“I’m going to marry you.” You blurted out, taking another sip to try and hide your embarrassed blush at the outburst.  

“Well, we can celebrate the engagement beside your 1 year tonight!” Prentiss joked along with you, winking.

If it wasn’t for Reid, you would probably be in love with her.

You laughed and touched her arm before heading back to her desk. “We can tell the team later. I’m guessing we’re gonna go out?”

You sat at the edge of your desk, crossing your ankles over each other as you relaxed into the cup of coffee.

Emily sucked her teeth before laughing. “Just try to act surprised when Spencer or Garcia ask you to come out tonight. It’ll be fun, and now we have two things to celebrate.”

You laughed, rolling your eyes before shooing her out. “Nothing but trouble.” You mumbled as you propped your door open. So you could hear the comings and goings of the office.

Around an hour later, the rest of the team was trickling through the doors. Tara, Luke, Penelope, Simmons, Rossi, and Reid came to greet you in your office. It suddenly felt very hot and cramped. You didn’t know if it was from the number of people in the room or just the fact that you were in Spencer’s presence. You tried not to squirm as everyone congratulated you for your 1 year.

Penelope placed a cup of coffee on your desk and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“Looks like I have to marry you, too.” You took a sip, glancing up to see Penelope smiling and acting flustered

“Awe shucks...Wait, “Too”, like you’re marrying someone else?” Penelope suddenly looked confused, and then extremely excited.

Tara rolled her eyes, exasperated. “You’re marrying someone and we haven’t even met them? How long has this been going on for? Who are they?”

There were mutters of agreement from Luke and Simmons, while Spencer stood stone-faced at the back of the group. You couldn’t tell if he was interested or upset.

There’s no way he’d be upset. Unless he’s actually mad I didn’t let anyone know I was seeing someone first.  You laughed nervously, finally allowing yourself to squirm and struggle under the feeling of disappointing your friends.

“It’s me!” Emily came to your rescue, suddenly standing in your doorway.

Everyone looked confused and Penelope was about to go on some excited tangent when you spoke up finally.

“She gave me coffee when she came in, and I got so excited I proposed on accident.” You smiled sheepishly. “Sorry for getting all your hopes up. Still no one special.”

Penelope pouted for a second before returning to her cheery self. “You really need to sign up for Tinder or something.”

“That’s a terrible idea,” Luke spoke up, shaking his head at Garcia.

“Statistically, only 20% of couples meet on dating sites or apps, and even then a fewer amount gets married and stay married,” Spencer spoke up, seemingly agreeing with Luke.

“It’s not bad for some fun on the side.” Rossi shrugged. “I don’t think it’s great for a real relationship, either.”

You rolled your eyes. “I’m not looking for anything right now. Work is busy and..” You faltered before shaking your head. “I just have high standards.” You hoped they hadn’t caught your brief glance at Reid and by the way, they seemed placated by that answer, you guessed they hadn’t.

“Wellll, maybe you’ll find someone at the bar tonight! We’re going out for drinks and you have to come.” Penelope said decidedly, the determined look on her face telling you that you had no choice.

You smiled, feeling her heart warm as the team looked excited about your answer. “Of course, today is a day to celebrate. Two marriage proposals and my 365th day with you guys.”

Penelope cheered and bent awkwardly to hug you over your desk. You loved her hugs, they were so warm and always made you feel like nothing could ever harm you.

Everyone slowly filed out of your office, Reid lacking behind and looking like he was trying to decide whether to talk or not. You stood up, walking around your desk to lean against the front of it. Suddenly all the daydreams you had that started with moments like this made you stare at your feet and cross your arms as you reined in your embarrassment and nervous anxiety.

You tried to right the defensive stance as soon as he started speaking, letting your arms fall to your sides, your hands grasping the edge of the desk.

“I just wanted to let you know I’m glad you started working here. I know I’ve been working her practically since it’s inception, so I can’t imagine what it’s like to come in as a new person, but you’ve integrated well.” His words sounded like something Emily or any other boss would say to you, but they were surprisingly full of emotion. That’s one thing that you found so endearing about Spencer. He sounded so smart it was almost easy to forget he was human sometimes, but the emotion in his voice when he let his guard down melted your heart.

You tried not to melt into a puddle at his feet. “My first few months here, that’s all I wanted to hear. I felt like if no one said it, it wasn’t true. Now I know you guys, though. I know your actions speak for you. It’s still so incredible to hear that.” You looked away, willing yourself not to tear up before looking back at him. “Thank you, Spencer.”

His face split into a small smile, a welcome change from the serious tone and expression during the previous conversations. He nodded, stuffing his one free hand in his pocket before nodding toward the door.

“I’ve got to get to work.” He stated, a little awkwardly.

You nodded, turning back to sit at your desk. When he was out of view you pressed your hand to your chest, closing your eyes as you felt the deep, fast thumping of your heart.

It was growing dark outside, the moon taking the sun’s place as you drove to the address that Luke had sent you. You had dressed on a black silk tank top, tucked into black skinny jeans loosely so the fabric hung loosely over the dark faux leather belt you wore. A bright red kimono with floral patterns was the single bright piece you had on and you felt the breeze flow through the bright fabric as you rushed into the bar.

You were a little late due to makeup and picking out an outfit, but only by 5 minutes or so. You saw a hand waving and noticed Simmons had spotted you where he and the rest of the team took up a large booth.

You smiled, trying not to look like an idiot as you rushed towards them.

The bar was comfortable and warm, most of the furniture was made out of wood and most seats were red faux leather or some other fabric. The music and T.V’s weren’t blaring and the chatter of the customers was comforting background noise as you scooted into the booth with your friends.

“Finally, they arrive!” Rossi jested, raising his hands theatrically.

“Ah, yeah, sorry. I was busy setting up my Tinder profile.” You stuck your tongue out at him, making him chuckle.

Spencer sat next to JJ across from you, at the end of the booth. His eyes darted up to your face sharply, making your heart stutter. You almost made eye contact but Emily saved you.

“I never agreed to anyone else but Garcia being part of this marriage.” She crossed her arms over her chest, playing at being upset.

Everyone but Spencer fell into easy laughter and banter. You became increasingly nervous and worried as the minutes ticked by with Spencer putting minimal effort into any of the conversations. His eyes seemed glued to either you or the table.

At one point after you had all ordered food, Spencer denying anything, you saw JJ whisper something into Reid’s ear and then she announced that she and Reid were going to get drinks.

You just asked for a glass of Moscato while everyone else ordered. A sinking feeling took over your stomach until it settled into a pit at the bottom. You couldn’t stop squirming in your chair and hoping they would hurry back with the drinks so you could mellow out.

“Were you serious about the Tinder thing?” Simmons asked almost out of the blue as Tara and Rossi were discussing cars and Emily and Garcia enjoyed their appetizers.

“Uh, no. I’m really not looking for a relationship right now, I guess. Not a lot of people can handle dating someone with this job.” You shrugged, wishing the topic of relationships would vanish from all conversations.

“Understandable. I guess I just got lucky.” He smiled, looking through you a bit as he was no doubt thinking of his wife.

“Yeah, you really are.” You forced a smile on your face, suddenly feeling a spike of jealousy. Why couldn’t Spencer just like you? Why couldn’t you just tell him?

The night wore on and you had drunk more than you had expected. You were disheveled from dancing with Garcia, Prentiss, Luke, and Tara. JJ, Spencer, Simmons, and Rossi stayed sipped drinks at the booth, every now and again cheering you on. You were a little out of breath and tired, slinking over to the bar after excusing yourself from your friends. You ordered two shots of whiskey and some water, deciding these would be your last drinks of the night.

You slammed them down easily enough, taking a few gulps of water before a touch on your shoulder made you jump.

Spencer sat down next to you, scooting his stool a little closer so it would be easier to speak. You were drunk now, and his closeness made you feel like you were on a rocking ship, and your vision blurred every few seconds as you stared at his face.

“Are you okay?” He asked, as softly as he could.

“Uhhh, yeah. Just a lot tipsy.” You weren’t slurring too bad, a small part of your brain reining you in so you wouldn’t make too large of a fool of yourself.

“Yeah, but, you never drink this much. You seemed a little upset earlier.” From what you could tell, he looked concerned and it made you want to wrap your arms around him but instead, you settled with resting your head on his shoulder and staring at the wood grain of the bar.

“Just, all the talk of relationships. It bums me out.” You sighed softly. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get over….” You almost slipped. You. But you couldn’t. Spencer deserved better than a drunk confession. “This one person. I mean, we never dated, but I want to. I want to date them.” You sounded like a depressed teenager, even you could hear it.

Spencer nodded, tense under your head but you barely noticed. “I understand. Anyone would be lucky to have you. Have you told them about your feelings.” His tone was nearly flat like he was forcing a compassionate tone every few words but couldn’t quite nail it. Your drunk mind was oblivious to it.

“I haven’t, I mean. I can’t. They’re….They’re out of my league.” You frowned, shaking your head and nuzzling deeper into his shoulder. His scent was so warm and comforting. “I wish I could. I wish I would. It never seems to be the right time or place, and I don’t even know if they have feelings for me.” You shrugged, feeling the absurdity of telling your crush about your crush weigh on your shoulders.

“I’m sorry.” Was his only answer. You wanted him to keep talking.

“Do you know what its like, Spence-Spencer?” You nearly whispered, staring at the bar.

Surprisingly he wrapped his arm around you, pulling you closer ever so slightly.

“I do, Y/N, I do.” You didn’t look up to see his eyes looking at you.

[sabraeal]

I’d Appreciate Your Input

Set at the end of the first Lyrias Arc, just before they go back to Wistal

Wide Florida Bay | Previous

Shirayuki shifts on her feet, shrinking into one corner of the elevator while it creeps up the lab’s side. She should be enjoying the panoramic view of campus; after all, there’s only this paper to finish and a plane to climb on and they’re done. With Lyrias. For forever. She should just…be drinking this all in.

Instead she stares at her shoes – ballet flats, which are the only pair she’s brought with her that are not either open-toed or utterly destroyed – and asks, “Do you think they’re going to be mad?”

Obi’s slouched against the corrugated metal, head tipped back, but he drops it down to stare at her, face crinkled with incredulity. “About what? That you got a phone?”  

“No! I mean, yes, but --” she bites her lip, trying to gather up these thoughts, trying to put anxieties into words – “we left them with all that work! We should really have been writing too, it’s not fair that we --”

Obi holds out a hand, stop. “Doc. We all watched as your canoe legit tipped into dirty estuary, saw your ancient reliquary of a phone pull a Jack from Tatanic, and then – I mean if that wasn’t enough to earn you a new phone – no fewer than three of us saw Loretta eat it.”

“I mean…” She shuffles in her corner, heat creeping up her neck. “I don’t know if Loretta really eats --”

“She did.” His hand lands her shoulder, long fingers spanning over the wing of her scapula. It’s – nice. Comforting. “Listen, the worst that’s going to happen is that Kazaha will think your phone is too mainstream. Let yourself breathe a little, Doc.”

She thinks about Yuzuri, thinks about sitting over empty take-out containers the night the boys were on Turtle Watch, thinks about the way she said, take up some space, Yuki. Stop apologizing for being human.

Right, she can -- she can be selfish for once. Do something for herself. That’s -- that’s allowed. A little, at least.

“Okay,” she murmurs as the doors open. “I’ll just – do that. Breathe.”

His hand drops from her should to press over the open doors, nodding her through. “Good. Oh, hey, looks like it was the Chinese truck that was outside today.”

The breakroom is just ahead, the whole lab gathered around with Styrofoam containers and wooden chopstick, shoveling noodles into their mouths. She misses them already.

“Great,” she says, wishes she felt as strong as she sounded. “We should -- should go check in.”

They’re barely in the door when Yuzuri jams a hand out, flicking her fingers in the clear sign for gimme.

“Okay, enough teasing,” she huffs. “Show us the goods already.”

Shirayuki blinks, confused, but there’s Yuzuri, gimme gimme, and half the lab perks up from their lo mein with varying degrees of interest. Even Ryuu’s looking, big eyes staring up at them owlishly, flicking between them.

Obi rolls his neck, hands falling to his belt. “Well, all right.”

It jingles once, tongue slipping in one liquid movement through the buckle, before Yuzuri shrills, “I meant the phone! Clearly.”

“We could look at both,” Suzu offers, with a speculative glance toward where Obi stands, grin tilting his mouth.

“You two can send each other your weirdly platonic dick pics later.” Yuzuri heaves a sigh, hand thrusting out farther over the table, toward Shirayuki. “I want to see the merchandise.”

“Again,” Obi drawls with another meaningful jingle, “could mean either --”

“I want to see the shiny new tiny computer,” Yuzuri snaps, giving him a flat look. “There, is that clear enough for you?”

Obi hums, sinking into the seat across from her. “Crystal.”

Yuzuri rolls her eyes. “Great. Now come on, girl, don’t keep mama waiting.”

Shirayuki hesitates, reaching into her bag to pull out the phone. It’s so new she hasn’t even really taken all the stickers off; it feels like she could break it just by holding it too long.

“Thank you,” Yuzuri says, with a cloying look toward Obi. “At least someone here isn’t trying to show me their equipment. I mean, honestly.”

“Hey, it’s a common request,” Obi shrugs, leaning back. “I’m a hot item.”

“You wish.”

“Again, i wouldn’t mind,” Suzu puts forth.

Yuzuri spares him a disgusted look as she flicks through the screens on Shirayuki’s phone. “You don’t count. No one else wants to see dick while they’re eating noodles.”

“I don’t know,” Izuru hums, sending a speculative look over Obi. “How old are you, undergrad?”

“Old enough to buy beer,” he assures her.

She nods. “Yeah, okay, then I wouldn’t mind --”

“Could everyone please get out more?” Yuzuri sighs, tapping through some -- apps? Is that what they’re called? Oh, she really -- she really isn’t savvy enough to have something like this. “This is a sweet little piece though, I gotta admit. I figured you for something sleeker, but I’ve heard nothing can kill these Nokia things.”

“That was the draw,” Obi tells her with a grin. “Chief wanted to see if he could get one of those new iPhones, but...”

Yuzuri stares at her. “One of the sixes? They haven’t even announced them yet!”

Obi shrugs. “Our boss’s boss has connections.”

Yuzuri’s gaze swings to her, half-accusing. “And you said no?”

“The scholarship is supposed to be paying for it!” Shirayuki protests, rounding her shoulder. “And besides, it looked flimsy...”

Despite not strictly being on the market or existing, the salesman had known enough about the model to hit key points, each one making Obi nod and Shirayuki shrink. Glass screen. Lightest phone on the market. State of the art circuitry...

All she could think of was the helpless bloop her battered little flip phone had made as it sunk beneath the water, and the unearthly crunch when Loretta had taken her giant maw to it.

“I don’t know,” she murmurs, shifting in her seat. “Even this one has a lot of -- of buttons. And screens.”

Yuzuri pauses, giving her a searching look. “Well sure. But you know, you can program actual songs as ring tones, right?”

Shirayuki stares. Actual songs... “As in, the midi file, or --?”

“Real songs.” Yuzuri looks far too satisfied with herself. “Here, let me just --” her fingers fly across the screen, and in less than three minutes, she’s handing it back, pulling her own out.

“Now don’t answer,” she warns her. “It’ll spoil the effect.”

Yuzuri picture pops up on the screen, and --

The opening bars of “Short Skirt, Long Jacket” ring out in the meeting room.

“Oh,” Shirayuki breathes. “Huh.”

I don’t want it to be so complicated, Doc had told the guy at the counter as he tried to push product, eyeing the black card on the formica like it was his own personal Jesus. I’m not good at...at computer stuff.

Hard for Obi to see any of that now, her red hair falling in a curtain around her as she bends over that phone, eyes squinted at the screen, and just -- what a load of shit that is. I’m not good at computer stuff. There isn’t a single thing Doc isn’t good at when she puts her mind to it.

She settles back, heaving a sigh and rubbing at the curve of her back, and he reminds her, “You know you don’t have to have a custom ring tone for everyone, right?”

“Well, yes.” She rubs at her eyes, shaking her head like she can clean afterimages like an etch-a-sketch. “I just -- I want to. For the aesthetic.”

“For the aesthetic,” he laughs, setting his computer aside. “You’re going to need glasses if you keep squinting that hard.”

She wrinkles her nose, and hmm, he’d like that, he thinks. Cute frames that are little too chunky to be pretty, but --

But he really needs to get his shit together. They’re flying back tomorrow morning, and -- and he needs to get used to there being other people around. Other people who know Zen. Other people who are Zen.

“I only have a few people left.” She blinks up at him. “I haven’t picked out yours yet. Do you have any suggestions?”

This is far too much power. She has zero pop culture grounding, and something like this is just -- asking for Rick Astley. Or Tom Jones. Something awful.

“Ever heard of ‘The Bad Touch,’“ he tries instead. He doesn’t expect it to work -- sure, Yuzuri calls her a woodland fairy creature or luddite wood nymph -- but she’s alive, everyone’s heard --

She blinks. “No?”

PRANK THAT KEEPS ON GIVING flashes through his head in big, neon letters. and he -- he can’t not do it. It’s just too much temptation for a flawed, human man. “Here, let me see if there’s a good clip of it.”

It takes no time at all, like the planets are aligning for this one sweet prank, a file that specifies second verse with intro. Perfect.

He’s not sure how he doesn’t give it away when he hands the thing back; his grin is hardly contained by his teeth, and his hands are probably shaking, but she just smiles at him and --

And he should probably feel bad. He does, for a moment; for that whole second it takes for him to call her phone and the music to start --

Doc nods along to the beat, looking a little confused, but pleased. “Okay, that’s pretty nice!”

She stops it before the words can even start. It’s a sign. This prank is meant to be.

And who is he to stand in the way of the universe?

“Great,” he says strained, trying to swallow down his grin. “Perfect.”

[stephhannes]

dressed to anti-depress

in the last two years, i’ve spent a lot of time asking myself questions like “will getting a smoothie today cure my depression?” and “will cutting my hair cure my depression?” and the answer to both of those questions is no. but you know what will kinda cure depression? getting on anti-depressants. 

earlier this year, my mental health was…concerningly bad, and quickly getting worse. i’ve recently gotten pretty good at managing my depression on my own by setting strict boundaries for myself and sticking to them (no screens allowed in my bedroom, exercising every day, no drinking alone etc) but out of nowhere, my anxiety began spiraling out of control. (my doctor suggested it’s due to ‘perhaps, ptsd’). 

but basically, by the time february rolled around i was having a really tough time. i couldn’t enjoy being around anyone because all i could think about was the inevitability of their death. i’d get lunch with a friend and spend the entire time panicking because what if this was the last time i ever got to get lunch with them? i saw my cats and i immediately started sobbing because my first thought was “oh my god they’re going to die one day.” i had a tough time showering because i was convinced that i would slip in the shower and crack my skull and no one would ever know because i live alone. no matter what i was doing, i would find some way to imagine some sort of catastrophe occurring. i noticed that i was starting to develop compulsions- i would obsessively check my rear-view mirror when i was driving, i wouldn’t leave the house without pacing for awhile before i left. i was having a hard time completing tasks which then made my anxiety even worse. every upsetting thought i had felt enormous and scary and would send me spiraling. i couldn’t focus, my memory was getting really terrible. 

and it was exhausting. 

i’ve been putting off trying medication for years. when i was growing up, i remember this weird stigma about anti-depressants. the discourse surrounding them was always like “nah man, they make you a shell of a person. totally numb no emotions or personality anymore.” my parents just like…didn’t believe in mental health so i suffered endlessly in middle and high school because no one would take me to therapy or acknowledge that like hey, maybe my kid isn’t lazy, she’s just clinically depressed. when i was in college, i finally went to therapy for a little bit because it was free through the university. and that helped some, but i still wasn’t completely cured. 

when i moved to new york, surprise, i was still depressed. one of my friends was constantly in my ear saying “hey buddy, you might really benefit from anti-depressants” and i finally realized “actually, i think you have a point, it’s probably worth a try” but every time i’d bring it up with nathan he was super opposed to it and would always just suggest i do something like “get out of bed before 4pm,” or “eat better.” 

by the time we moved to philly i was hitting a breaking point. my anxiety was so bad that nathan hated being in the same room as me when i was freaking out because my vibes were just so wack. the problem was that i had no money, and no health insurance which really left me in a position where the only way i could get help was with nathan’s help- i brought it up kind of casually one day like “hey i really think i might benefit from therapy or medication” and he was like “actually, i think you’d benefit from getting a hobby” 

and then a couple of days later i had a total nervous breakdown and i begged him to help me. i’ll never forget sobbing and saying “i don’t know if i need medication or therapy or both but all i can think about any more is killing myself and i can’t just hobby it away.” and he was finally like “ok, we’ll look into it this weekend” and the next day i woke up with such a sense of relief because i was finally going to get help and i actually had a super productive day. i got some work done, i got a library card and checked out some books. i ran errands, i cooked dinner, i read an entire book. i was actually present in my relationship. i was excited to get my life and myself back. 

and then nathan literally died that night so y’know all of those plans were thwarted. 

and then i spent two years in a fugue state and then i kinda got my shit together and then a pandemic happened and blah blah blah whatever. 

and then we’re back at february 2021. 

after realizing that i had become such an anxious wreck i finally started looking into options. and there she was, an app that allowed me to literally just text a doctor and be like “hey doc im feeling sad :(“ and they’d be like “oh cool, here’s a prescription for zoloft lmk how ur doing in a month xoxo” and for the low cost of 30 dollars a month i have serotonin for the first time in 13 years. 

++

over the last couple of days i’ve been asked the question “what are you thinking about right now?” a few times and my answer is always the same- literally nothing. zoloft has my head so empty and it’s incredible. like, for once i’m not in my own head questioning every god damn thing i do. 

the other day, one of my friends was like “it’s actually enjoyable to hang out with you now” which sounds rude, but makes a lot of sense tbh- sometimes i’m literally just not fun to be around. now i’m fun most of the time- except for the window of time where i realize “oh god i haven’t taken my zoloft yet today” and i start having withdrawal symptoms. but otherwise, i’m great! 

it’s interesting feeling a sense of happiness that isn’t just a manic episode. like sometimes, i’m driving to work and i smile thinking about something one of my friends said earlier in the day. a big 180 from a few months ago when i couldn’t drive without my little beady eyes glued to the rear-view mirror. when i’m left alone with my thoughts for more than 10 minutes, they’re usually pretty decent thoughts, instead of the usual “everyone hates me and i am going to die alone."

i’ve also become a total boss babe- now that i’m not overthinking everything i’m actually able to do my job without an overwhelming sense of anxiety. i’ve always been capable and good at what i do, but for the first time i actually feel confident in my abilities. 

++

with a combination of taurus season being very generous to me and a year of Pandemic Realizations i feel like i’m actually a cool, functional human again (for the first time, even?). i’ve spent a lot of time filtering myself, toning down aspects of my personality to appeal to whoever i’m around, turning up parts of my personality to get attention, etc- and now i’m just out here like “ok so anyway this is me- you get what you get, you don’t throw a fit” 

surprisingly, people have been pretty receptive to that, it’s almost like i am a good person that is worthy of love and kindness or something. 

++

i still haven’t gone to therapy, but i’ve been able to work through a lot of trauma on my own over the last couple of months. i’m finally at a point where i can acknowledge the things i’ve been repressing for a few years without feeling like everything is about to collapse. in time, i hope i’m able to get to a point where i can actually verbalize the feelings i’ve been having, and the things i’ve been (kylie jenner voice) realizing- but i’m not there quite yet. it’s been a weird experience not spiraling every time i feel a human emotion. now i’m able to acknowledge things and be like “ok is there anything i can do to resolve this right now? no? ok then i don’t need to fixate on it” and i can push it away until i need to acknowledge it again. i used to be paralyzed by any sort of inconvenience. 

though, i will say, i’ve started doing this thing where i’ll be like “y’all mind if i share a genuine human emotion?” and then i’ll say something that i never would have dreamt of saying a year ago- generally something that insinuates that sometimes i do experience the human feeling of vulnerability. 

++

every once and awhile i do still get hit with the wave of “why couldn’t i have been this functional when i was with nathan?” guilt. i think that ties into a lot of the grief i feel over all of the years i lost due to my depression- and even more specifically the months i lost due to my depression when i first moved to new york, and again when we moved to philly. when i first moved to new york, i didn’t really leave the apartment for 3 months. i slept most of the time. there were days long stretches where i was just completely emotionally unavailable. and much like in my adolescence when my parents refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help, sometimes i feel angry that nathan also refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help. 

i spent a lot of time really agonizing over the fact that eventually i would be stable, and would eventually be a better partner to someone else than i was to nathan, and i think there’s still a part of that that exists in me- but i’ve found a little more peace with the concept. i’m thankful that nathan had the patience to deal with me when i was losing every last marble rattling around in my brain- but there’s always a part of me that’s like “damn, i wonder what our relationship would have been like if i’d been a little less unstable” 

++

you can really tell that my mental health has improved just by the trajectory that my close friends instagram story has taken. it used to just be me drunk and crying every night at 4am and now it’s thirst traps and girl boss selfies. 

there are still character flaws that are so deeply ingrained in me that i’m constantly having to be aware of and combat, but it’s a lot easier to do that when i don’t exist on pure anxious energy. everything i do is still very much informed by the deep-seated fear of rejection i have, but i’ve been trying very hard to start to break that down. it’s like an irrational fear. like ‘afraid to tell my friend i love them when i’m hanging up the phone because what if they actually just hate me?’ level. now my friends will literally call me back if i don’t say i love you before hanging up and be like “hey bitch i said i love you say it back” and now it’s becoming a little less terrifying. 

my inability of showing vulnerability definitely stems from that fear of rejection. look, it’s scary to be like “hello this is a tough thought i’ve been having lately do you mind unpacking it with me?” i know that if i were to say that literally anyone in my circle would be like “yea let’s do it” but just the concept that the option of them being like “nah that’s a lot” keeps me from saying anything. there have been a couple times in the last few months where i’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to acknowledge and unpack some of those hard truths though, so congrats to me or whatever. i’ve even been hugging my friends more often (which is saying a lot coming from a woman that has never hugged her best friend, still to this day). 

++

anyway, as soon as i start going to therapy it’s going to be over for these hoes because i’m gonna be hot and sane and probably unstoppable. 

[failing-at-every-thing]

Meds update!: Me and my doc play a lot of email tag, so the time between my adderall running out and having a great new dosage filled was almost a week. I struggled to function on most days, I did not have any of the focus needed to use my planner or communicate well, and I was experiencing some withdrawal symptoms without my meds. I quit doing updates and didn’t reach out to talk to anyone since these things really made my depression take over hard. Sorry to all my friends/family I’ve ghosted on this week, I was not taking the sudden change back to my typical symptoms very well. Medication wise, I have only taken the new dosage on workdays so far, and with clear-cut tasks and structure, I really blossom on this dosage. Treatment hasn’t removed the wall in front of me, but it did give me a ladder and I am climbing it well! HOWEVER!!! Like I said, I did lose my footing this past week, and once I got my ladder back, I totally forgot to ACTUALLY CLIMB IT. I had my first dosage *ever* yesterday where I would be completely unsupervised/unscheduled for several hours immediately after taking ADHD meds. In my whole 25 years of life, I have NEVER been alone while they work their magic. I did not anticipate AT ALL what would happen when my brain is driving at 100mph, but there’s no road and no map. 🌻Story Time🌻 I made a loose schedule/list of tasks before Dan went to work. I only had the alarms on my phone and the list as my structure. This was my day. Expectation: When dan leaves at 3-4 ish after picking me up from work, remember to take meds. Reality: Dan goes in at 5, this has always been the case, I do not know why I would ever think otherwise. Lose track of time and take them at 5. Expectation: Make to do list after taking meds. Reality: This actually happened! Great start, but definitely not the best method for me in hindsight. Expectation: At 6pm, write a short email to a printing company about having some work checklists printed. Easy and short task to get momentum, high payoff. Reality: At 6pm, write the first draft of this email in ten-ish minutes. Be aware of my tendency to forget things, proofread it. Expectation: At 7pm, walk to the gas station for quarters to do laundry. And a snack. Reality: At 7pm, I realize the email is way too long, tedious, and rambling to subject any stranger to it. I can’t send it like this. Condense the info. When the alarm goes off to leave, I ignore it. Expectation: At 7:30, put laundry in. Reality: 7:30, I’m still reducing down my email, but realizing I should pull myself away. Ignore alarm because no quarters. Text a few people to make plans and check in on em, check my notifications, relax. I’ll finish the email by 8 probably. Expectation: 8pm, take a shower and eat. Reality: 8pm, back to the email! Ignore the alarm, I don’t even read what it’s for, I’ll get it done eventually. I should note that I love sitting on the balcony and have been here since 5. I am getting a lil chilly. Expectation: 9pm, watch some wholesome How It’s Made while wrapping birthday gifts. Reality: 9pm, almost done with condensing! Just a few more tweaks and it’s professional, courteous, and easy to read. Expectation: 10pm, fold laundry and continue relaxing. I’ve been working super hard this month and I deserve a peaceful night. Reality: 10pm, alarm goes off for laundry folding. I have no laundry to fold and the gas station is closed. Just finish editing the email, OK BUDDY Expectation: 11pm, make sure all scissors, knives, delicate things, meds, etc. are put away safely since Lydia will be sleeping over soon. Reality: 11pm, absolutely freezing and I go inside to use the lil girls room. So many things have been ignored at this point, so I just ignore this alarm too. Being overwhelmed makes me buckle down to get it sent out. Expectation: 11:30pm, sleepy routine! Cup of sleepy time, unisom possibly, and blankie time- the best time. No more alarms. Play an app and be asleep around 12. 😴 Reality: 11:30pm- still in bathroom. I did stand up but I haven’t moved past hand washing, even the door is still closed. Doing the ACTUAL last proofread, and finally satisfied. Send. Task #1 ✅ Expectation: 12am, be asleep. Reality: 12am, go over list. Prioritize birthday present wrapping to start somewhere easy. Expectation: 1am, be asleep. Reality: 1am, I have finally found most of the presents and can begin. I lose things a lot and everything had also arrived while I was unmediated. Expectation: 2am, be asleep. Reality: 2am, Dan is home. Stop wrapping and tell him about my day. Expectation: 3am, be asleep. Reality: 3am, everything is really basically wrapped but I love putting effort and love into wrapping. Write little cute and fun cards! Make Dan’s weird! Make my grandma’s funny! Make my cousin’s super cute! Put some effort into really cute decorations for the boxes to make their days *extra* special! Task #2 ✅ Expectation: 5am, be asleep. Reality: 5am, Dan’s playing a video game quietly while I clean up the paper and ribbon mess. He looks over and says “oh no, it’s like 5am” Expectation: 6am, have SIX hours of sleep in and be still sleeping. Reality: 6am, realize I forgot to eat all day, exhausted so I have sleep for dinner. Now, looking back, this was insane. None of the tasks were hard, time-consuming, or boring, it was just so simple to get lost when I wasn’t with anyone to take me away from it and I was using phone alerts as my only system. Today I’m looking into healthy adderall-friendly ADHD coping methods for structuring my time and tasks! I have seen so many great things happen through my structured and supervised areas of life, so I know once I find my ground in independently organized areas, I can avoid some of the less productive behavior patterns that really came out in full force last night. The sometimes inconvenient effects of adderall are like evil superpowers that can be transformed and channelled and used for good. I’m hoping that I can find a great method to apply soon that can help me direct and control the focus I have while alone and medicated, because it has absolutely had a positive impact on so many other areas of my life. For so many years, my only goal was just to get by and hopefully one day begin treatment for depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I am so happy that my goal now is to gain even more independence and fully utilize my functioning hours. If anyone has suggestions/ideas for me or resources you can direct me towards, they are so valuable and appreciated! Thanks also to everyone who is reaching out asking about how I’m doing and even just reading these! I was told by a few nameless people that these updates made them feel less alone or that they learned something new about treating mental illness, and that really gives me the warm fuzzies. I’ll keep it up and keep moving up! 🖤🖤

[nitallica]

Cross-posted from my blog: DC I love you

I spent last weekend recovering from last week’s trip to Washington DC for MWLUG. Work has been hella crazy this week while I’m trying to catch up and get a few things implemented that I learned.

BTW: It was FUN! Seriously loved the venue, and I loved being in DC. I am very much looking forward to next year’s, which is supposed to be in Ann Arbor, MI if I heard correctly.

Sadly, we will likely no longer be attending IBM’s Lotusphere ConnectED Connect conference due to cost. I missed this year’s trip due to my surgery, but by looking at the schedule of sessions, there would have been very little for me there. That makes me a bit sad, but it is what it is. MWLUG is cheaper, and quite frankly more useful (to me, at least). One of my favorite sessions last week was a “discussion” (read: tongue lashing) from Lotus/Domino users, admins, and developers to a couple members of IBM staff.

I almost felt sorry for them … almost.

Traveling to and from went a lot better this year due mostly to some mental and intestinal fortification via chemistry. In other words, my doctor gave me something to chill me out during the flights. :) I took a Xanax before each flight and they helped tremendously! Our flight back from DC to Atlanta was stressful, and from Atlanta to Birmingham was downright scary. Given how I have flipped my shit in the past during bumpy flights, I was a lot calmer while doped up. But I noticed right away how tired I was after each flight. I mean, I’ve had jetlag before, but holy Hell! Never like this.

During each flight, I chronicled my thoughts. I don’t even remember WHY, maybe to pass the time? Those around me found me a little funny while on the Xanax, but I felt chill as fuck. Seriously. I have never been so relaxed and calm in my life. (except maybe while I was Valium for my anxiety years ago)

Tuesday:

6:00am Been seated for a little bit. Holy shit this thing is cramped! I’m sitting on the aisle which I’m hoping works out better this time than my previous trips where I was by the window.

A little dismayed that there are no barf bags anywhere that I can see. Not that I’ve ever blown chunks on a plane, I’ve always felt like I could. It’s rare for me to have motion sickness (usually only with a bad migraine), but my anxiety makes me nauseous sometimes.

6:15 Child behind me starts screaming. This is going to be a long 2 hours.

Dude beside me has taken up both arm rests. Keeps opening and closing the window shade. His duffle bag is taking up half of my floor space. I mean, not that my stubby little hobbit legs need a whole lot of room, but still. At least he’s quiet.

6:38 Takeoff was a little bumpy. Not scary, but not exactly comfortable either. So far the Xanax seems to be helping?

Poor Joseph and CaySal have had to sit next to me while I’ve lost my shit on previous flights. God bless whoever invented this stuff!!!

6:50 Snacks!!! :D

I was very surprised they didn’t offer peanuts. To my delight they have almonds! :)

7:06 I’m feeling surprisingly good. I only took one Xanax, and was worried that maybe I needed two. So far, so good. While part of me hates being dependent on medications, they have made my life so much better!

7:13 I’ve had Billy Joel’s “You May Be Right (I May Be Crazy)” stuck in my head since I got to the airport this morning. Which is weird because prior to that I had “Blood on My Name” on loop on my internal radio. My Uber driver’s name was Lazarus, which likely started that. Can’t remember what I heard upon waking up.

Funny, I’m currently building a new Domino server named Lazarus. It is basically a replacement for a server that’s on its proverbial deathbed. An attempt to resurrect it, if you will.

8:21 (crossed time zone!) We’re told to put our seat belts on. Getting ready to land soon? I hope. I hope. I hope. I hope.

8:25 By looking out windows in front of me, wherever we are is pretty. Nice and sunny. I want a nap so badly. Could not sleep last night and running on about 3 hours’ worth. Today is gonna be a long day.

8:33 I realized that I forgot to pack my sneakers. I have my Harley boots on currently, and they’re usually fine. But I like having sneakers just in case. Because let’s face it, sometimes my feet can be little bitches. Plus, they’re black with dark red accents and I lurvs them. :)

8:40 While I was not thrilled about Delta having me pay to check my overnight bag (which work will reimburse me for), I will say this. Their staff have been great so far. The in flight staff especially. Very friendly!

Most of the TSA staff, not so much. :/

8:53 Making our descent. Hello, Detroit! :D

9:04 Whee! Landed and taxiing to our gate.

9:41 Waiting for time to board the next leg. Duuuuuuuude I am feeling so groovy. Now I know why everyone recommended I get this.

Joseph asked if my doc could put me on this every day. LOL

10:14 Seated and waiting to take off. Next trip I am DEFINITELY upgrading my seat. Slightly less cramped than last flight, but too small for my comfort.

At least I get a window seat this time! :)

10:34 Video safety instructions now. Yay? Was kind of neat. Now playing with screen on back of the seat in front of me while we taxi out to the runway.

11:28 Played around with the flight tracker. Then watch one of the inflight movies. Born in China – about animals indigenous to China. :)

Getting close to D.C. No almonds on this flight so I opted for cinnamon cookies to dunk in my coffee. :)

Definitely wanting a nap right nap. So tired zzzzzzzzzz…

11:55 D.C. I am in you! :D

12:15pm Headed to Alexandria to the hotel. Hopefully they will let me check in early.

And the flights home, Thursday/Friday:

3:27pm Checked Delta app and learned that my flight is going to be delayed at least an hour. Something about trouble with a passenger. Yikes?

Joy of joys, I’m already stressing out. Going ahead and taking my Xanax now.

4:05 Waiting on Uber to head to the airport.

5:15 Arrived at the airport, got checked in, bags handled, and groped by TSA.

Note: DC’s TSA folks are friendlier than Birmingham’s. Not by much, but still. Delta folks, however, were very super nice.

Now sitting down to get some food. Feeling super chill, but my head is killing me, probably due to lack of sleep. Been up since 3am.

Wheeee!

5:37 We ate at Grille District. The hot wings were not hot, but very tasty. I prefer a flavorful sauce to one that melts your face off any day.

6:03 Now the long wait to board.

6:53 An announcement comes in overhead; the flight has been delayed … again.

6:59 After talking with Delta, they said we should still make it in time for connecting flight. It may be close.

8:03 Aaaaaaand flight delayed … again. Not confident that we will make our connecting flight now.

8:20 Delta says we could “probably” make our connecting flight. I really don’t want to spend the night in Atlanta.

8:44 Finally boarding plane.

9:14 Take off. I am completely knackered. May try to sleep some.

9:22 Nope, can’t sleep. While I’m not freaking as much as I normally would, I am not as zen feeling as I was earlier. I maybe should have waited to take the Xanax until just before boarding. Granted, all the calamity with the delays did not help things. To make things worse, my neck and back are starting to pain me greatly.

I wanna go home. :(

9:26 Heavy turbulence, one of my least favorite things. Not freaking. But not exactly comfortable either.

9:48 According to the little flight tracker thingy on the screen in front of my seat, we are about midway over North Carolina.

10:04 Looks like we’ve crossed over into South Carolina air space now. Getting closer to home.

10:09 The lady behind me says it’s unhealthy for me to be so fixated on the flight tracker. I said it gives me something to focus on, to distract me. She asks what I would need to be distracted from, and I answer from the fact that we are hurdling through the air around 36,000 feet high at 1,000 MPH in a large metal projectile with no parachutes.

She then quietly sat back and hasn’t said another word. I often wonder how many people regret asking me questions. :)

10:20 Getting closer to Georgia. Got just over half an hour now.

10:27 Descending into Atlanta. Attendant says we’re landing in about 20 minutes.

We can make our flight if we haul ass. I really really REALLY don’t want to spend the night in Atlanta.

10:38 Seeing a metric shit-ton of lightning up here. At least we seem to be above most of it.

Supposed to be landing in 10 mins or so …

11:16 Ran like mad to next gate and barely made it. Airport staffer had told us the wrong direction to go to the gate we needed when we got off the plane from D.C. I seriously could have throttled her.

Now waiting to take off for Birmingham.

11:59 Wheeled out to the tarmac and sat … no idea why. About to take off now.

I’m on the way. Home sweet home.

I didn’t take that many pictures, but what few I have are up on my Flickr page.

I’m so glad that tomorrow is Friday. I’m spending it with Jessie, who turned 20 yesterday. Wow, I feel old. LOL

I hope y’all are having a good week! :)

... from DC I love you