#he is so son of all time i'm serious i'm packing his lunch as we speak

[sangre]

it rhymes with shmaden shmuki

[vonluftundliebe]

cried at work today. feels appropriate to revive this blog i guess

my cousin killed himself last november. my uncle is someone who is important enough that people gossip about him and his family. my at work we had a birthday lunch thing and my coworker, who is an asshole but i hardly ever see him luckily, or have to interact with him him, just excitedly announced, and very loudly, to all the gathered coworkers

"HEY HAVE YOU HEARD THAT [uncle]'s SON KILLED HIMSELF????"

for no reason, nothing prompted that. just a casual conversation starter at these, always kinda awkward, gathering of coworkers.

Now, he didn't know that he was my cousin of course. I mean I have mentioned him being my uncle occasionally, when the topic of his profession came up. And we share a last name, so a person with more than three braincells could have maybe guessed we are related. I don't have a rare last name.

I think he even called him by his last name, but I'm not sure, I rushed out at that point, no one questioned it.

our office space is arranged as a circle, so there is only one single office that is actually closed off and that you can't walk through accidentally. it's not my office. but i hid in it, mostly everyone else was at the lunch, but one coworker saw me visibly upset and came to comfort me. which is very nice and i appreciate it.

anyway i calmed down enough to join them again. but i was messed up all day. went and bought a pack of razor blades, went to work on my leg when i got home.

it's rare for me nowadays to actually SH so i always forget how good it makes me feel. And, fresh, new, sharp blades.... gliding through my skin like a warmed knive through butter. Love how easy it still is to take them apart, out of their plasic encasing, how tricky it was the first time, how good I got at it over the years... how casual i still feel about it.

I'm 25 now, I have real job, my own apartment, buy groceries... and I still haven't completely gotten away from this dirty habit i started a decade ago.

I'm not sure how mentally well I am lately. Been worse, that's for sure. been better, too. The winter was rough. My cousin killed himself on the first day of my vacation. Also, I was weirdly sick as well. Had something like long covid, had a flu or cold or something and then felt fatigued for weeks afterwards, got a fever occasionally again, too. Not nice. Was also close to burnout I guess. Or maybe it was due to the fatigue. Spiced up with a bit of seasonal depression, too, I'm sure.

it's better now, but i'm honestly not great. even before the incident today... i'm once more back in a place where i just feel kinda devoid of emotions. i feel incapable of feeling. it was in some way a nice thing today, feeling so strongly upset, getting actually triggered in the true sense of the word. having a cry, even if it was an awkward, rushed office cry. but it was an emotion. i feel like a robot or a puppet and the puppetmaster, pulling my own strings and emoting the way i feel i should but it's all fake and acted

and girl this ain't my first rodeo. i've been here so many times, in this exact headspace. i know i'm not gonna kill myself because of this even though i still think about doing that most days - but I mean, I think about killing myself even during my best times. it's more of a habit, an innate reaction, at this point than any serious desire. but flirting with self destruction once more.... it's nice and familiar and warm. old friend welcoming me back. saying "i missed you too"

[randomshyperson]

Wanda Maximoff X Reader - The Parent Trap

Summary: When the identical twins Billy and Tommy Maximoff are sent to the same summer camp, they hatch a plan to get their mothers back together by switching places. Or, The Parent Trap AU. / AO3

Warnings: Fluff and a bit of language.

Words:  4.229K

Notes: I want to know if anyone likes this, please tell me your opinion ;) And good reading! By the way, gif is not mine!

Part Two

The whole thing looked suspicious to you. Billy was acting too strange. He didn't run and throw himself on the couch when he got back from camp, or throw his shoes around the house like he always did. He also didn't pick up the basketball reference you made to him in the car. At first you thought maybe it was puberty. But he told you he was tired from the trip, and you messed up his hair, and told him to go get something to eat. When your dog Krypto didn't recognize him, you told him that he needed to change his clothes, because he must be smelling the camp.

Running the vineyard was taking all your time, but you were hoping to spend some time with your boy now that he was back.

You were surprised when your fiancée showed up at your house unannounced. You were trying to find a way to tell Billy about Tabitha. You met her when Billy was at camp, and you hired her as a publicist for the vineyard. And even you yourself were surprised when she asked you out. Many dates later, you were engaged to be married. You tried not to think about it so much, and to remember Tabitha's words, saying that Billy would be happy to have two mother figures, that she would help you take care of him because she had a freer schedule than yours. Honestly, you were surprised that she was in love with you.

Natasha, your best friend and housekeeper, gave you an incredulous and debauched look when you told her about your engagement, but didn't question you. You imagined that she just wanted to make fun of you.

Tabitha told you that you should tell her about the engagement right away, like ripping off a band aid. You were trying to find the right moment.

When you and Billy went out riding, you decided to tell him, hoping that he would be happy. You were a little nervous, finding it strange when he didn't even remember your usual camping trip before the end of the summer, but you thought he was just distracted.

- Hey honey, I want to tell you something. - You said, and he looked away from the vineyard in front of him and looked at you curiously. - What do you think of Tabitha?

- Like what, Mom? - He replies. - Your publicist? Your friend?

- No, dear, just what you think of her as a person. - You clarify a bit awkwardly.

Billy thought for a few seconds.

- Well, she's pretty, has good teeth and nice hair. She can spell. - He replied. - But honestly, Mom, she's a complete stranger to me. Why do you want my opinion?

You hesitated for a moment, and swallowed your nervousness. 

- Well, Billy, I'll tell you why. - You said with a trembling voice. - Because believe it or not...

- Race to the house, Mom! - He shouted, interrupting you and riding away at high speed.

You choked in surprise, as you shouted that you were trying to tell him something, but he kept riding away. You mumbled to yourself, as you rode after him.

When you finally reached the house, Natasha was crying. You ran up to her to ask if she was all right, but she just smiled, saying that they were tears of happiness, that Billy was so big and healthy. You frowned in confusion, but you were too distracted in telling your son that you were getting married to think much about it. And then Natasha left the room saying that she was going to prepare a special lunch for you both, and you sat with Billy on the sofa.

- Honey, we need to talk now. - You told him, trying to sound serious and gentle at the same time. Billy just nodded. - Honey, I want to know how you feel about Tabatha being part of the family.

- Part of our family?

- Yes.

- I think it's incredible. - He said, and you felt a wave of relief wash over your body.

- Really?

- Totally, Mom! It's a dream! - he said excitedly. - I always wanted a big sister!

It was as if a bucket of cold water had fallen on your head.

- Honey, I don't... I think you've got it wrong.

- No, mommy! I love it! - He says. - We're going to adopt Tabitha! That's so sweet, Mom.

- No, honey. - You deny it flatly. - I'm not adopting her. I'm marrying her.

It takes a second, and then Billy lets out a mixed exclamation of surprise and anger, getting up from the couch.

- Marry her? That's crazy! - he shouts. - How can you marry someone who is young enough to be my sister?

And then he starts shouting in a language you think is Russian as he paces in circles around the room, and you raise your eyebrows in surprise.

- Honey, calm down! - you ask, pulling him gently towards you. - And since when do you speak Russian?

- I learned it at camp. - He answers quickly, and then assumes an almost hurt expression. - You can't get married, Mama! It will ruin everything!

And he lets go of your grip, rushing out of the room. You let out a sigh of dissatisfaction, thinking about how it all went wrong, and throw yourself on the sofa. Natasha looks at you from the kitchen door.

- That was shameful. - She comments.

- He thought I was going to adopt her. - You retort with your eyes closed and your head against the pillows.

- That's exactly why it was embarrassing. - She scoffs, laughing softly. You don't answer, beginning to feel a slight headache forming.

You barely have time to absorb the whole conversation, when you hear a radio noise in the distance. But a few minutes, and Tabitha enters the room, sitting on your lap.

- Hello, sweetie. - She said - You look stressed.

And then she kissed you, wrapping both hands around your neck. You really just wanted to go back to bed. You let out an unsatisfied sigh, interrupting the kiss. Tabitha looked at you curiously.

- I told Billy about our wedding. - You said, and she seemed excited.

- And how was it?

- Horrible! - you said, upset. - He was furious. He yelled at me in Russian, and I didn't even know he spoke Russian!

Tabitha let out a giggle.

- Take it easy, sweetie. - She said, rubbing her hands on your shoulders. - It's a very common reaction. I'd be worried if he didn't have a reaction like that. - She argues, and begins to deposit kisses against your collarbone. You appreciate the touch, even if they don't really affect you that much. - Let me talk to him. He needs to know that I'm not an enemy.

You let out a low grumble, running your right hand over your eyes.

- Okay, Tabi. - You agree. - But be gentle.

She giggles mischievously, giving you a kiss before getting up. You sink your face into your hands as she leaves, feeling tired.

It's been a few days since you told Billy about your marriage. He hasn't mentioned it again, but he is treating you normally. Tabitha told you that the conversation went well, and you believed her.

Now you are packing your bags, getting ready to go for a weekend in the Hamptons, where Tabitha's parents, whom you haven't met yet, will be staying. You have a strange feeling, as if something is going to happen, but you can't tell what it is. 

And when you drive to the hotel, you sit with Billy in the back seat while Natasha drives, and you share some snacks. Billy also begs you to take Krypto, and you agree while ruffling his hair.

Tabitha's parents seem nice, you think. They greet you quite enthusiastically, and you are embarrassed when Tabitha slips her hand to your buttocks for a moment when you hug. 

After you check in, you and Tabitha say goodbye to her parents temporarily as they leave toward the bar, and you both make your way to the elevator to your rooms, with Billy and Natasha following a bit behind as they try to get Krypto to obey. Tabitha is particularly needy today, and you wish she wouldn't cling to you so much in such a crowded place, feeling uncomfortable. 

As you press the elevator button for your floor, while Tabitha snuggles up to you, you look toward the lobby and widen your eyes in surprise. Your ex-wife, Wanda Maximoff is standing in the center of the lobby, and she waves to you just before the elevator door closes completely. You think you are hallucinating, and wonder if you have finally lost your mind.

Tabitha continues kissing your collarbone, but you are completely disconnected from reality. When you arrive at your room, she pulls you inside, trying to take off your clothes.

- No, darling. I'm sorry. - You deny it, pushing her hands away as you try to think of a plausible excuse. - I need to see if everything is okay with Billy and Nat, okay? We'll see about that later.

Tabitha pouts, but lets you go, strutting sensuously into the bathroom. You smile awkwardly, then leave the room. 

You look around as if you're looking for someone, and you really are. And then you bump into Billy in the hallway.

- Hey baby! - You greet him by bending down to his height and putting your hands on his shoulders. - I'm going to go to the lobby. Do me a favor and look after Tabitha for me, will you?

- All right, Mom. 

- Oh, honey. - You say hesitantly. - How do I look? Do I look good?

Billy smiles, giving you a thumbs-up.

- You look beautiful, Mom.

- Okay, okay. - You say clumsily, and mess up his hair before heading back toward the elevator.

When you reach the lobby, you look around, trying to locate Wanda around. And you're startled to see Billy again.

- Honey, I thought you were going to keep Tabitha company. - You say, and he looks slightly nervous.  But you're not really paying attention.

- I will, Mom. - He says, looking around quickly. - I'm just trying to find her.

- Okay. - You mumble without really listening to him. - I'll walk around here, and see you upstairs.

But then Billy hugs you tight around the waist.

- It's good to see you, Mom. - He whispered, and you frowned in confusion, but smiled, bending down to return the hug quickly.

- It's good to see you too, honey. - You joked, and pulled him away slightly to make sure he was all right. He looked happy.

- It's okay, Mom, you can go. - He said, and you ruffled his hair before heading off in the opposite direction, looking around with a mixture of nervousness and excitement.

The hotel was quite large, and you had been looking for many minutes by the time you got to the pool area.

And then you saw her, in all her glory, coming down the stairs on the opposite side from where you were standing. A smile slipped from your lips at the same moment, and you felt your heart race. Wanda looked just as beautiful as the last time you saw her, almost twelve years ago.

Your feet moved automatically, but it seemed that suddenly all the people in the pool area were in your way to get to her. You heard Natasha call out to you, warning you to be careful, but then you are bumping into one of the waiters, stumbling backwards and falling into one of the pools.

You think Billy screamed in surprise, but you kept following Wanda through the water, she noticed you with all this commotion.

Coming out of the pool, completely drenched, you let out a happy sigh as you stopped in front of her. 

You should be grinning like an idiot, but Wanda also seemed amazed to see you. 

- Wanda. - You sighed.

- Hi Y/N.

- Wow, there you are. - You said, still impressed. Wanda just smiled at you, equally embarrassed. - Sorry, something's happened that I don't know about. I'm completely surprised to see you, but you don't seem surprised to see me at all. - You say and Wanda looks away quickly. - I haven't seen, or known anything about you for ten or maybe eleven years. And suddenly on the same day...

- Hi Mom. - Billy interrupts you, and you look at him in surprise. - I can explain why she's here.

- Honey, do you... do you know who she is? 

- Actually, I do. - He says, smiling awkwardly. - And actually, I'm not Billy.

- Actually, I am. 

You choke in surprise to see your two twins together, next to each other.

- What... You two...

- You and Mom must think alike, because you sent us to the same camp. - Billy says. You feel your heart racing, still completely in shock. - We met there, and everything came up.

- They switched places, Y/N. - Clarified Wanda beside you.

You let out a sigh.

- You mean I was with Tommy all this time? - you ask with emotion in your voice.

- Well, I wanted to know what you were like. - Tommy said. - And Billy wanted to know what Mom was like. Are you angry?

- Honey of course not. - You denied it by bending down to his height. - I just can't believe it's you, look how much you've grown. - You say happily, pulling him into a tight hug. You pull him away a moment later to look at his face tenderly, running your fingers over his cheeks. - My boy looks so handsome.

Tommy smiles at you, and then releases your grip, returning to his brother's side.

- And you, Billy, have you been in London all this time? - you ask, and he shrugs. You let out a short laugh before hugging him tightly. - I can't believe you're together.

- Mom is awesome, Mom. - Says Billy looking at you. - I don't know how you let her get away.

You laugh uncomfortably, then let him go.

- Boys, let me and your mother talk for a moment, okay? - Wanda asks with a smile. Billy and Tommy nod slightly, and you put your hands in your pockets awkwardly as you and Wanda walk around the pool until you sit on one of the benches, facing each other. You think you should try to stop smiling so much, but this must be the happiest you've been in twelve years.

- I can't believe this. - You comment, biting your lips for a moment. - Seeing them together. Seeing you.

Wanda giggles, a slight redness in her cheeks.

- How are you, Wands? - you ask, and realize that the nickname escapes your lips with ease. - Or does everyone call you Miss Maximoff now?

She smiles, a little awkwardly, denying it with her head.

- My brother still calls me Wands. - She says. - You can call me whatever you like. - She smiles awkwardly. 

- And how is Pietro? - you find yourself asking. You were overflowing with curiosity, wanting to absorb as much of Wanda as possible, afraid that she would disappear at any moment. - Is he married?

- Oh no. - She giggles. - Pietro lives with me now. He retired from racing. He goes on casual dates, but he says he doesn't want anything serious.

- You haven't changed a bit. - You comment, looking at her adoringly. God, she looks so beautiful.

- There you are! I've been looking all over for you! - says a female voice startling you both. You look away from Wanda quickly, Tabitha looks at you both with a frown. - Good, you have met. Honey, Miss Maximoff designs wedding dresses, and she's going to make... Wait, how do you two know each other? And honey, why are you all wet?

You and Wanda stand up awkwardly, you run your hand straight down the back of your neck, trying to think how exactly to explain, feeling Tabitha's confused gaze on you.

- You are going to make my fiancee's dress. - You say, turning to Wanda.

- I didn't know she was your fiancée. - She retorts.

- How we met... How I know you... - You turn to Tabitha again, trying to find a way to tell her. - How do you two know each other?

- Sorry, am I missing something here? - Tabitha asks with narrowed eyes.

- You know, this world is so small. - You comment with a wry smile.

- How small? - She replies seriously.

- Hello, Tabitha. - says Tommy, appearing next to the blonde. She greets him back, but then looks at you waiting for your answer.

- How are you? - Billy asks, appearing on the other side, and Tabitha jumps in fright.

- How... - She spins her body around quickly, varying her gaze and finger pointing between Billy and Tommy. - Two of them... How?

- So, did I ever mention that Billy was a twin?

- You forgot that little detail. - She replies with slight irritation in her voice, looking at you and crossing her arms.

- Don't be upset. - said Tommy. - She didn't tell me either. And by the way, I'm not Billy. He is. - He explained. - I was pretending to be him, while he was pretending to be me.

- And that's our other mother over there. - Said Tommy quickly pointing to the redhead next to you. - Wanda Maximoff.

Wanda smiled, but Tabitha didn't look happy at all.

- Is that your mother? - she asked incredulously. The boys nodded in agreement. - Were you two married?

- Yes. - Both of you confirmed clumsily.

- Oh, yes. Small world indeed. - Tabitha says.

- It just got smaller. - You comment nervously.

- And what a coincidence that we are all here together at the same weekend. - She adds wryly, while the boys exchange a mischievous glance. - Can I talk to you privately, Y/N?

You nod slightly as she turns and walks away, and then you turn to Wanda.

- It was ... it's ... good. Good to see you. - You say awkwardly, Wanda smiles and nods slightly. - We... I don't know...

- Go change your clothes and talk to your fiancée. - She pokes you lightly. But her gaze is not malicious. - We'll talk later.

By the time you reached Tabitha, she was already entering the elevators. You think you should be worried, but you just feel uncomfortable. You want to go back to the pool and talk to Wanda. Tabitha doesn't say anything until you are in your suite. Then she yells at you. You think she said something about trust, but you're not really listening. And then Tabitha slams the door on her way out, and you have a smile on your face, thinking of Wanda.

Tommy and Billy insist that the four of you have dinner together. And honestly, you make no effort to find excuses not to go. 

And then you find yourself standing in front of the hotel, completely breathless at the image of your ex-wife wearing a red dress that embraces her in all the right places.

You feel embarrassed, not knowing exactly what to say or do, but Wanda lets you hold her arm as you walk together toward the harbor, the boys ahead of you.

And then you approach a big ship, and you feel your heart soar.

- Is that ?

- Yes. - Wanda confirms with a smile, looking as surprised as you are.

Parked in the harbor is the same ship you met twelve years ago. As you walk up the stairs, Wanda asks how the boys managed to get all this, and they just say they pooled their allowance with a little help from Uncle Pietro and Aunt Nat, which makes you and Wanda laugh.

When you arrive at one of the private dining rooms inside the ship, the boys guide you both inside, and you frown as you look at the dining table.

- Darlings, why are there only two chairs? - you ask, looking at your sons. They exchange mischievous glances.

- We're not having dinner with you. - says Billy.

- What? - Wanda asks

- I should have known better. - You make a humorous remark. 

 - Come on, Mom. Don't be angry. - asks Tommy without looking the least bit sorry for his little plot. - We think you two have a lot to talk about.

You let out a sigh, agreeing. The boys leave a short time later, and you and Wanda sit down at a small table. It is an intimate and romantic dinner, and brings up feelings you have held for a long time.

- Are you okay with this, Wands? - you ask as soon as you are settled at the table. - With dinner I say. With me.

Wanda giggles.

- I'm the one who should be asking you that. - She says. - You're the one getting married.

The teasing makes something in your stomach turn nervously, and you give her an embarrassed smile and look away from her to the table. And then Pietro and Nat enter the room, dressed as waiters, and you both let out surprised exclamations.

- I won't even ask. - You joke, but the two of you just smile politely.

- Good evening, madames. - says Pietro. You notice how much older he looks since you last saw him. - We'll be serving dinner for you tonight.

- And these are the hors d'oeuvres. - Nat says as she places a few items on the table. You look at the dishes with curiosity, and are happy to see that they all look delicious.

They leave next, and you and Wanda exchange a look of amusement. You both sample a few things, and then you find yourself looking at Wanda again. She smiles when she notices.

- You want to ask me something. - she says with a smile. - Just ask.

- It's not a question, I think. - You say after a moment, trying to clarify your thoughts. Being with Wanda makes everything seem like background. - I was just wondering, how did this happen?

Wanda takes a sip of wine, raising her eyebrows slightly.

- What exactly happened? - she replies. - The ship? The children? The dinner?

You giggle, slumping back in your chair.

- Us, Wanda. - You say. - What happened to us?

Wanda looks away from you, looking slightly upset. 

- I don't know Y/N. - She answers. - We were so young, immature and so, so temperamental. We both said stupid things. - She says with a slight nostalgia. - And then I left, and you didn't come after me.

She finishes her sentence with a quick sad smile, and you feel your stomach drop.

- I didn't think you would want this.

Wanda shrugged, a glint in her eyes that you couldn't read.

- It really doesn't matter anymore.

And then Pietro and Nat are back with the main courses, and you look away from Wanda quickly, an immense feeling of guilt and regret in your chest. 

You have a lot to think about, but it has been so long, and now you had a fiancée, a life that went on without Wanda. You let out a sigh, raising your hand to the glass of wine, and turning it over in your mouth with a single gulp.

You ate in silence for a while, the food was tasty, but you thought you two had become quiet because of the conversation. But then Wanda looked at you again.

- What will happen now that they know? - Wanda asked, and you frowned slightly.

- Why would that be a problem?

 - We live in different countries. - She clarified. - What are we going to do, half of the year I stay with Billy, and the other half with Tommy?

You laughed awkwardly, running your hands through your hair.

- Wow, this is a terrible idea. - You declare and Wanda raises her eyebrow slightly. - The kids will never accept this. We'll just have to find a way to make it work.

You're starting to get a migraine thinking about everything.

- Maybe... things could stay the same. - she says. - And then they visit each other on vacation.

You nod in agreement. You hold the smile on your face even as you feel a great wave of nervousness at the thought that it was settled: Wanda would return to London, she would be out of your life again. 

You finish dinner in a polite and friendly way, not talking any more. You think you might cry, but you drink more wine to calm your body. 

When you and Wanda say good-bye in the hotel lobby, you kiss her cheek, and see in her eyes the same sadness and longing that you have.

You are trying not to get angry with your children, even though they are stubborn brats. You have already checked out of the hotel, and were getting ready to leave, when Tommy and Billy came down from their rooms to say goodbye. And then they matched clothes, and refused to say who is who so that you could leave.

- This is absolutely ridiculous, boys. - You comment next to Wanda. - Your mother will miss her flight.

But your children just kept their arms crossed, and you let out an impatient grumble.

- Kids, what's this about now? - Wanda asked. - Even if I miss the flight, eventually Tommy will come with me.

The boys exchanged a thoughtful look.

- We want everyone together at the camp at the end of the summer vacation. - Said one of the boys, you thought it might be Billy, but you weren't sure.

- And when we get back, we'll tell you who's who. - Completed the brother, maybe this was Billy.

- I have an even better idea! - you exclaim. - You obey your mothers and Tommy goes back to London as we agreed.

And that's how you ended up in a car with Wanda, and your two sons, and your fiancée heading for home. Tabitha was not at all happy about the whole situation.

[buckttommy]

For the sleepover ask: what's your headcanon about Eddie's relationships with Abuela and Pepa? Because as much as he has struggled, Eddie did manage to carve out some semblance of an identity for himself separate from his parents — something just enough that allowed him to get out and build a life for himself. I'm thinking he had to have had some kind of genuine love and encouragement as a child, right? (Also it delights me to no end how much Pepa hates Ramon.)

So, Eddie, Abuela and Pepa headcanons?

Great question as always.

Listen, I've said it before and I'll say it again: Abuela and Pepa are 100% the reason Eddie is the man he is today, so here are some of my favorite headcanons:

Youth:

1.

Considering how terrible Eddie’s parents are, Abuela and Pepa were relatively limited in what they could do for him. Ramon was very much of the mindset that his son was his responsibility, and while that’s… true to some degree… he (and his wife) constantly went overboard with raising him and with Eddie’s discipline in general.

As a kid, getting into trouble was never just "getting into trouble" for Eddie. When Eddie got in trouble with his parents, it was borderline traumatic; lots of shouting, lots of belittling. And because of the way Ramon was very much so an overwhelming presence in the house, I think if Abuela/Pepa tried to interject while he was verbally abusing his son, it'd probably just make it worse for Eddie (Ramon would probably say something like, "what kind of man needs a bunch of women to protect him" etc etc). Nevermind the fact that he’s a CHILD, not a man, but okay. Asshole. So whenever he’d get sent to his room, one of them would come find him later and try to soften the blows wherever they could; sitting with him and trying to get him to laugh through his sadness. Watching him try to choke on his stifled tears and just reassuring him that it’s okay to cry. Of course, they never really got that message through to him but they did try.

2.

Around the age of thirteen is when things in the Diaz household really started to change. Eddie was a teenage boy growing up in a relatively hostile and intense environment; of course he started to rebel: talking back, rolling his eyes, sneaking out, etc. This “disrespect” only intensified the growing animosity between himself and his parents, so one day, Abuela (who knows her grandson is practically dying in this house) says, "Why don't I take him off your hands for the summer?" And because Helena and Ramon are too self-absorbed to even consider the fact that she's doing this for Eddie's benefit rather than theirs, they agree. By week's end, he's sitting on a plane, and by the end of the day, he’s walking up her porch steps.

Abuela can practically see the physical change that comes over him when Eddie steps through the door. His shoulders slump, he takes a deep breath—inhaling all the fragrance from the kitchen and the incense lit in the doorway—and suddenly he goes from being a closed off, cautious boy to the warm, gentle grandson she knows and loves.

After that first summer, Eddie spending summers in Los Angeles with her becomes a Thing. If you asked him, those summers were the highlight of his youth. They’d spend their days at the farmer’s market, baking homemade pies, reading in the evening light, etc. They were good days. And all that time spent together obviously amounted to an abundance of trust.

3.

Eddie comes out to Pepa when he’s 15. Even to this day, she and Abuela are the only people he's ever verbally come out to.

On the day he comes out to her, he’s sitting on his bed at Abuela's house. He's been moody all day; something is clearly bothering him, but he won't say what it is. Finally, around lunch time, after accidentally breaking one of Abuela’s vases, he barricades himself in his room and locks the door behind him.

He's in there for hours until Pepa knocks on the door some time in the evening to check on him.

She sits on the bed. "I hear you had a rough day." "I don't want to talk about it." Eddie doesn’t look up from his GameBoy but he’s not playing it, not really. "That's okay," she says. "We can sit here and not talk about it. I'll tell you about my day, though." She tells him about her day; about the plants she bought at the store and how she meant to buy perennials, but she thinks she bought some damn annuals. She tells him about the craft store she went to, and the bratty cashier who gave her attitude, and she’s content to talk for the rest of the night if it’ll keep her nephew from looking like he’s about to break. But then he looks at her, and she stops talking. “Pepa?” "Yes?" "There’s something I—I don’t—it’s just that—I think—" "Take your time." He nods. “Right.” He takes a deep breath, then another. He sets down his game on the nightstand, looks her in the eye, and says, "I have a boyfriend." Oh, she thinks, so it’s this conversation. "Do you?" "Yeah." "Hmm." Pepa folds her hands in her lap. "What is his name?" "Eli.” Eddie’s hands fidget with the hem of his shirt. “He’s a year older than me. It’s—we've only been going out for a couple weeks. It's not serious or anything." He looks terrified, and Pepa doesn't know whether he's waiting for her to shout or—God help her brother if he's so much as laid a hand on this child—hit him. But he’s looking to her like she has all the answers, like she’s the one with the power to either make or break him, and well. It’s been a while since she’s done this; no one’s come out to her since college, but she cups his chin and turns his face toward her. "I love you so much. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me." His chin quivers. "You're not mad?" "Mad? At you? How could I possibly be mad at my favorite nephew? And for what?" She smooths his brow with her thumb and makes sure she has his eyes when she says quietly, firmly, "You haven't done anything wrong." That’s the thing that gets him. He turns away from her as much as her hand on his chin will allow, but not even he can stop the single tear that rolls down his cheek. "Do you think Abuela will be mad?" "Of course not.” Pepa stands up. She holds her hand out to him. “But why don't we go ask her? Only if you're ready." She doesn’t want to assume he’s ready, doesn’t want him to feel pressured to give any more than he wants to. But Eddie takes another deep breath and nods. He's a brave boy and she loves him. He places his hand in hers. "I'm ready."

So he comes out to Abuela/Pepa on the same day and the world doesn't end. They give him lots of hugs and kisses, tease him about his boyfriend, and his world doesn't collapse.

It's a good day.

Adulthood

1.

When Eddie goes into service, Abuela and Pepa send him care packages. With his parents, by this point the relationship is so strained, it’s kind of an ��out of sight, out of mind” thing for both him and them, but Pepa and Abuela always send him stuff, just so he can know they’re thinking of him. They pack cookies, and letters, and blankets and shit and when Eddie comes home, he brings Pepa a scarf and Abuela a vase and she loves it even more than the one he broke when he was a kid because it's a sign that her boy returned home.

2.

They have Sunday dinners together and when he and Buck get together, one evening afterward, while Christopher is playing the Xbox, the three of them are sitting outside sipping glasses of wine, and Eddie says,

“So. Buck and I got together.” There’s no fear there like it was the first time; he’s not scared of how they’ll react, not scared he’ll be thrown out on his ass. He knows they love him, and he’s assured of their love, but he is a little nervous. Only because neither of them really liked Shannon that much. There’s a weighted silence as Pepa and Abuela process that information. And then Abuela goes, “It’s about time.” “You’re not surprised?” He huffs a laugh. “Of course you aren’t.” “Eddito, I think the only people who were surprised were you and that boy of yours.” Pepa drinks from her wine glass. “Me? I saw it from the moment I met him.” “That was only a couple weeks after we met.” “What is your point?”

After that, Eddie brings Buck around for Sunday dinner. He's been around before, of course, but always as Buck the Best Friend and never Buck the Boyfriend, but he fits into their unit like he was always meant to be there (because he was). Abuela and Pepa tease them both relentlessly, but they make Buck feel like a part of the family (because he is). And.............. I dunno man, I guess that's it.

Eddie's got his family, he's loved, he's cared for, and he owes it all to the women who raised him.

[writingsnmusings]

Suds in a Bucket

pairing: modern!ivar the boneless x reader

summary: you bring up the idea of getting out of town and ivar doesn’t hesitate to make it happen. based off of sara evans’ suds in a bucket.

a/n: this idea came to me because of an ask that @thranduilsperkybutt answered and i just couldn't resist. also, i'm very much a country girl at heart with being from texas and all so this song is one of my favorites!

gif credit: @therealcalicali​

say it was a little passed nine

when her prince pulled up

a white pick-up truck

Nobody liked doing chores, that was a given. Your father had nagged you all through dinner to round up all the trash in the house and take it to the curb. You begrudgingly did so, a frown on your face the entire time.

You were walking back up the driveway when you heard the unmistakable sound of a certain pick-up truck coming down the street. You squealed in glee as Ivar pulled up beside you.

“They still got cinderella doing chores at this hour?” His voice was teasing, like usual.

You rolled your eyes as you slid into the cab, immediately planting a kiss on his smirking lips. Ivar gripped the back of your neck and deepened the kiss; making you let out a moan at his roughness.

“I missed you, you know? You didn’t come around for two days and you barely answered my texts,” You were coming off whiny, but you didn’t care. You missed your boyfriend and you hated being cooped up in that house.

Ivar sighed, “I’m sorry, baby.” He pulled you into him, your head resting in the crook of his neck. “Things at work got busy and you know how my brothers are, I get one day off work and they’re all over me about something or another.”

You hated the way his brothers treated him, just because he was a little different than they were didn’t mean they needed to make his life anymore difficult than it was.

“I wish we could just go away; just me and you. Far away from them and everybody else.”

Before Ivar could say anything back, the porch light flicked on and the figure you could make out of your father stormed out. “Y/N! Get out of that truck and get in here!”

You threw your head back with a groan before giving your boyfriend another kiss and sliding out of the truck. You waved at him before making your way back to your father who was already fuming. You could practically see the steam coming out his ears.

“I love you! I’ll be back for you!” Ivar shouted before gunning it down the street, making your father say some rather rude things about him.

You walked straight to your room, ignoring your fathers angry words and the way your mother refused to even look at you.

she stuck a note to the screen door

‘sorry but i got to go’

that was all she wrote

A week later, Ivar kept his promise.

You were thankfully home alone, your mother being at a church function and your father out at work or somewhere. You were lounging around when you heard your boyfriends truck pulling up the driveway.

You met him at the door with a smile on your face. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” You let him in and greeted him with a kiss which he immediately reciprocated.

“I’m here to take you away.” He leaned on his crutch with one hand and grabbed yours with the other. He didn’t sound like he was joking which confused you.

“You’re what?”

“I’m serious, Y/N. Right now, we can leave and just get away from everybody.” The way he smiled had you seeing stars; he looked so excited you couldn’t say no.

“W-What about money? Where will we go?” The thought to ask questions hadn't occurred to you until after you had already made your mind.

Ivar patted his left pocket which looked significantly bigger than the right. “I’ve been saving, been thinking about getting away with you for a while now.”

“Alright,” You decided. “Let me pack a bag real quick.” You ran up the stairs, throwing a couple items in a duffle bag and grabbing the envelope stuck at the bottom of your drawer filled with cash. You and Ivar had seemingly been thinking about the same thing.

Ivar grabbed the bag from you once you were in front of him and headed back out to his truck. You were almost out the door when you spotted the post it stickers and pen on the entryway table. Just a little note, you thought. As much as you hated it here, you didn’t want your parents to worry and think you’d been kidnapped or anything.

“Sorry but I got to! I love you both!”

You climbed into the truck and gave Ivar a nod, letting him know you were ready to go. With a wink, he started up the pick-up and drove straight out of town.

well he must’ve been a looker,

smooth talking son of a gun

for such a grounded girl

to just up and run

Nobody could figure out how you and Ivar ‘Boneless’ Ragnarrson got together. It was a mystery to everybody, both your families included.

You were the typical straight A student who never got into trouble and he was the typical bad boy who cut class. It was simply fate that brought you two together. That or you happened to be in the hallway when Ivar and his brothers were skipping and you caught his eye.

You’d been shuffling through your locker when he leaned against the one next to you and started up a conversation. His three brothers were a few feet away, all listening in anticipation to watch the youngest Ragnarsson get shot down.

Of course you’d heard of them, the three eldest Ragnarssons basically ran the school. Had everybody afraid, nobody dared even mess with any of them. Then there was the youngest, Ivar walked with a heavy limp, always relying on a crutch and keeping as far away from his brothers as possible.

You realized right away he wasn’t anything like them. He was quiet, kinda brooding most of the time but he didn’t heckle his peers like they did. That’s what drew you to him. He wasn’t hard on the eyes, either.

From that one conversation at your locker where he made a joke about the homeroom teacher you two shared, your relationship only grew from there. You usually sat alone at lunch, opting for your quiet time instead of gossip and apparently so did Ivar. It didn’t take long for him to ask you out on a date which you accepted.

Your parents nearly blew a gasket once they found who you were dating. The Ragnarsson name was basically a curse word in your home. His parents didn’t have a great reputation either, you’d come to learn.

But your parents disapproval nor the gossip from the old biddied in town didn’t make you any less attracted to Ivar. You treated like him was normal, no special treatment or put downs because of his disability and he treated you like the brilliant and capable woman you were.

You and him were meant to be.

she’s got her pretty little bare feet hangin’ out the window,

and they’re heading up to vegas tonight

A sigh escaped your lips as you felt the sun and cool wind flowing through the truck.

Ivar’s eyes strayed from the empty road to your blissed out face. He loved seeing you so relaxed and carefree. No worries we’re on either of your shoulders, the only decision you’d have to make was where to stop for lunch next.

“How’re you feeling?” Ivar lowered the radio as he asked.

“Amazing,” You smiled at him before continuing. “The best i’ve felt in a long while.”

Ivar returned the smile, “Good, I love to hear that.” He turned the radio back up as he reached over and grabbed your hand before bringing it up to his lips and kissing it.

A sign saying ‘Welcome to Vegas!’ flew by, making you smile even wider. Your new life was set to begin and you couldn’t wait.

and no you can’t fence time

and you can’t stop love

[validity-is-powerful]

The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known - chap. 1

Hello friends. I already posted chapter 1 weeks ago, but I've finally gotten around to making a post about it.

Written with permission off this post by @sapphicdeath (my main is @strung-by-fate).

[Masterlist]

—

Summary: A day in the office. Nighttime sets the stage.

Warnings: none

Pairing: Hotch/Rossi

Words: 1.9k

Read below the cut, or on ao3.

__

The office was never empty, not even early in the morning as Hotch arrived. Already there were other employees there, setting up for their days or ending their nighttime shifts. He made his way to his office, nodding a greeting to those he passed.

He set up his desk, arranging the papers he would need to go through according to importance, as he frequently did. Occasionally, there would be a file he would go through first that wasn't overly important, but he would still go through first for other reasons.

It was easy to sink into the headspace he needed for the motions of reading each document and filling out what needed to be. A glance at the clock showed him it was eight. The team would likely be some time still.

Half an hour later, he looked up to see most of his team spilling into the bullpen, talking and laughing together. JJ was absent, but then, she had spoken yesterday of her son's fever and how she and Will were worried. He would give her until nine, then call. 

Hotch watched in silence as they settled into their desks, getting ready for the day without ever truly ending their conversation, save for Rossi, who found his way to his own office. It always felt distant, viewing them from behind the glass as he was now. He was part of the team, but there were times he wondered if he was truly part of it in anything but name. Mornings were some of those times, more often than not.

A knock on his door stirred him from his reverie.

"Come in."

"Hey, Hotch," Morgan said, opening the door. "Saying good morning."

"Good morning." 

"You looked a bit lonely up here this morning. Anything you want to talk about?" 

"I've been thinking," Hotch said. Morgan made a disbelieving but amused sound.

"Alright, man. But if you do ever want to talk, I'm always here."

"I know. Thank you." Morgan shut the door and walked off. Hotch returned to the work in front of him.

*

"You know, we don't actually know how many-" Reid began, only to be cut off by Prentiss.

"JJ, there you are. Everything alright? You're usually as early as Hotch." The other agent was rarely late, and yet it was almost nine. Hotch had been in the office for likely more than an hour, from what the others knew of his schedule.

"Yeah, everything's fine," JJ said, waving away her friend's concerns. "Henry has a fever, Will's watching him. I left a bit late because of that and hit traffic."

"Henry okay?" Reid chimed in from his desk.

"He will be," JJ assured the group. "He's warm but not dangerously so. We're just worried over how frequently he gets sick."

"That's not uncommon," Reid said. "The average child Henry's age tends to get several fevers a year, not to mention seven or eight colds. So I really wouldn't worry about it unless it's rather severe." He tapped his pen against his fingers, as he was wont to do. JJ nodded, a bit off-kilter

"Thanks, Reid."

*

"Prentiss." Her name being called grabbed her attention away from the report she was filling out as Morgan and Reid bickered behind her, and she turned. Hotch stood outside his office, waiting for her to turn. "I need to speak with you."

It wasn't only her attention that he had. Reid and Morgan were watching intently as well. She rose and made her way over, frowning.

"Something going on?" Hotch opened his door for her in answer. She entered, and he shut it behind them.

"You're not in trouble," he said once he had taken a seat at his desk and she was sitting in the chair across from him. "It's just some routine training. Seven months is a long time to be gone from the team. The Bureau needs to know you're still sharp."

"What do they need from me this time?" The retraining and assessments had been continuous since she had returned to the Unit. Hotch slid a form and a pen towards her.

"For you to fill that out, then report to the mats tomorrow. Morgan and I can cover your paperwork." She nodded.

"You can return to your desk. And, Emily. It's nice to have you back." She stood and moved to the door, then paused with one hand on it.

"Hotch?" He looked up questioningly. Prentiss smiled. "Thanks." She got a small smile in return.

*

Lunch was a remarkably quiet affair. Even Hotch deigned to join them, which was unusual in itself. 

"Is anyone doing something interesting this weekend?" Garcia asked.

"A friend and I have plans to go strawberry picking up in Pennsylvania,” Prentiss offered, which gained some approving nods around the table.

“Let’s hope nothing comes up, then.”

“You know, the garden strawberry is originally from Brittany, France, and is a cross of two other breeds, one from eastern North America and the other from Chile. It replaced the woodland strawberry, which had been around since the early 17th century,” was Reid’s contribution.

The talk after that shifted to work, and what had come up in reports. Some members were more vocal than others. Hotch was frequently observant but largely silent when there wasn’t a case, staying in his office and working alone. Rossi preferred to observe as well, but tended to be more active in the conversation.

*

Towards the end of the day, Hotch knocked on JJ’s door.

“Come in,” was the call he was greeted with. She looked up in surprise as he entered, hands pausing on the file she was looking over. “Hey, Hotch. There’s nothing demanding we fly out, though there are a couple of cases that we should offer a consultation on.” He made a small, dismissive gesture.

“I’m not here to discuss cases yet. I trust your judgement.” She smiled.

“Um, thanks. Why are you here, then?”

“Checking on you. You’ve seemed distraught today.” JJ gave him a tight smile.

“It’s nothing, really. It’s this job. It’s my son being sick. I’m fine, Hotch.”

“JJ, if you want to talk, I’m here. And if you need to take some time off, no one’s going to think less of you.”

“I know that.”

“But?”

“But I can’t bear to.” She sighed, quietly. “I can’t step away from this desk and these files, knowing that if I take even a day off, they’re going to pile up and by the time I get through, there’s going to be more bodies. They aren’t my fault, and I know that, but some days it weighs on me more heavily than others.”

She looked up, studying his face. “I can do this job.”

“I know.”

“I just have bad days.”

“Look at me.” JJ lifted her eyes, meeting his own. Hotch continued softly. “You go through files detailing some of the worst acts human beings have committed every day. You have to choose who we try to catch, knowing that the others that you don’t pick are going to keep on killing. Of course this job weighs on you. I want you to know that you have my respect. You’ve always had it. If you need anything, I’m here for you.”

She smiled, teary-eyed.

“Thank you, Hotch.” She slid him a file. He took it.

“The evil in the world is not your fault,” he reminded her as he opened the door to leave.

“Nor is it yours,” she said.

*

It was unusual for any of them to, towards the end of the day, find themselves with a light enough load of work to begin thinking about heading home. It was unfortunately common amongst members of the team to stay far later than was healthy in order to finish filling out some form or report, or to finish reading through a file.

The time was approaching eight by the time Rossi wrapped up the final file he was reviewing. He shook out his wrist, stood, and began packing up.

Then, as was custom on the nights it was just the two of them left, he made his way to Hotch’s office.

Hotch looked up as he entered. “Budget reports,” he said in answer to the questioning look. “HR wants to make another cut and Strauss has me looking over the proposal in case they go through with it.” Rossi dropped into one of the chairs opposite Hotch’s desk.

“What’s it look like for the team?”

“There’s no threat of downsizing this time.” Hotch made another mark and kept reading.

“Well, that’s good, at least.”

Rossi watched in silence as his friend continued to make his way through the report, his usual frown etched on his face even now, in the quiet stillness when it was just the two of them.

Hotch set the file aside some ten minutes later. He took his things as well, then Rossi opened the door for them both and they headed out.

The elevator ride and the walk to the main entrance passed in a blur, and before long, the two of them had reached the parking lot and their cars. They had parked beside each other, something that had started out being convenience (they tended to leave late, and together), and had turned into a habit both were unwilling to break.

“I’ll see you tonight?” Rossi asked as they stood face to face, closer than was perhaps appropriate for two colleagues. Hotch’s hand found his waist.

“Tonight,” he agreed. “An hour from now, my place?”

“Works for me,” Rossi told him. The kiss they shared was brief and chaste. Nothing else was safe, and even that much was too much for a place like the parking lot of Quantico.

*

An hour later, Hotch had seen Jack safely to bed and now opened the door to admit his partner. Rossi entered, and they found their way to the kitchen, trading soft words and sure hands, at ease with each other.

Their relationship was far from new, after all. They had been working with each other for a little over two decades and had been friendly throughout. Their romantic involvement was shorter, but still had several years on it. 

Hotch took Rossi’s free hand as they drank, and Rossi could feel the cold of the ring Hotch wore against his skin. They both wore the rings signifying their relationship, though what exactly the rings signified he couldn’t say.

“I’ve been wondering,” Hotch said into the quiet. They had never dared to go further than what they had. A serious relationship between two employees, especially two senior employees, was enough risk as it was. Marriage was out of the question for more than one reason. Anything more than friendship was already putting the team at risk. If one of them was injured or killed on a case, the other would be more vulnerable than was safe with their job. Relationships were a risk, always had been. Unfortunately for them and countless others, their hearts had never cared.

“We have plans to not go further until we’re retired.” Hotch paused, turning the words over in his mind and finding the right ones. “But if we could safely, Dave, would you marry me?”

“Yes,” was the answer that fell from Rossi’s lips, before he sealed them over Hotch’s again. He tasted desperation and the wine they had drunk. The glasses found their way onto the counter as he wrapped his arms around his lover, holding him close as Hotch did the same.

[deberiaestarescribiendo]

The Lost Children #Writer Wednesday Din Djarin Modern Day Bounty Hunter x f!reader

For #Writer Wednesday created by the amazing @autumnleaves1991-blog and tagging @clydesducktape (thanks a lot for the hard work of compiling everything each week)

Summary: This a part 2 of a fic I wrote a few months another Wednesday, read it here. After you scape with Din and your child, you try to find a life again even if that means he has to leave you.

Warnings: Language, talking about neglecting children or abandoned kids, guns. This is fluff with angst and Din being a softie but a dumbass expressing feelings

A/N: I'm super tired, so be ready to find many grammar and mispellings I didn't have the time to really read it through.

The lost children

For a bit, that’s what he said, what he promised until you’re safe and settled.

“So you can keep your little kid in the babycare with the rest of the kids while you’re working. One of the cabins to the right of the front office we’ll be entirely yours. We only ask that you keep clean and in a good state”

“Of course” you’re shining, happy and excited

“You heard that Greg, we’ll have a place on our own” your arms hold the baby tightly, rocking him softly until he giggles. When you turn to Din, he can see your eyes glowing, kissing little Greg’s head, you whisper thank you

Thanking him? what for? He just pointed out that small, almost entirely ripped from the wall, announcement of a local hotel in the middle of the woods that looked for personnel willing to work and live in the resort when they were stopping at a gas station.

It is a perfect place to hide and live a peaceful life and let a baby grow up in the middle of nature. Greg and you could be happy. So why is he thinking that he should make up some excuse so you don't stay, so you don’t leave him. He should be selfish and grab your hand and run away again like you’ve been doing for weeks now, but that’s not life for a baby, and you deserve it, leave the past behind. And him, even if he doesn’t want to admit, it’s part of your past of that runaway woman that commited many mistakes.

But Din’s a bounty hunter, his life on the road, from one job to the next would only make you unhappy, and at the end, you would hate him; and that’s it’s not an option.

Nothing has made Din happier than seeing you smile at him, the little comments here and there you tell him praising him and thanking him one, twice, a thousand times for helping you, the way the baby caresses his face with his small hand and those big eyes looking at him intently until he smiles with only those two little teeth. The way you look perfect, almost like a Madonna from the Renaissance, when the street lights hit your face while he’s driving and you hold your baby against your chest, both of you sleeping in the car.

Would you think he’s a creep for staring? There’s a warmth that grows inside him when he stares at you and baby Greg. A warmth he doesn’t want to let go. He cannot offer you a good life and Din doesn’t want to force you to live like he does, just because he’s so selfish to let you go.

“So what do you think?”

The manager leaves them to think about the offert. And Din balances his big body from one of his legs to the other, hands on his hips, he sighs

“I think”

I think you should be with me

I think I should protect you

I think I should protect Greg

I think I want to be with you, the both of you, forever

I think I love you

But he doesn’t say it

“I think you should take it. It is a good place for a kid”

You frown, even baby Greg looks at him puzzled from the crook of his mother’s neck

“Yes, it seems great, quiet...And I like that Greg could be with other kids. But what about you?”

Your eyes look big, pleading, there’s a question, a petion in them but you don’t say it with words so maybe Din is imagining it, he wants so bad that you will stay with him that maybe he’s making that up

“I will go and…”

And miss you

And miss Greg

And be alone again

“Start the business again somewhere else” he shrugs, and he sees the light flicking in your eyes, the idea in your head being shattered, you’ll never ask the question and he will never answer.

“But you can stay a few days, right? Rest, eat properly for once and repair the car”

“I don’t know…”

What would hurt more? leaving already or prolonging it?

“I don’t want to be this direct, Clint...” he likes that you keep using that nickname you gave him when you’re in public. You only use his real name when you’re alone. Making it even more special, it’s intimate, more anything he has ever felt.

“but you need a shower. And I do too and this stinky baby” you bury your nose on little Gregs neck and it makes him laugh out loud that angelic and sweet giggle hits him hard and before he even knows it, Din is nodding

“A few days won’t hurt”

It’s surprising how they fall easily in a routine. How they seem to find a perfect way around each other, a perfect model like the stars and planets always circling around each other and never colliding. You, dancing softly in the kitchen humming while you stir the soup, baby Greg chasing his little frog while Din holds his back so he doesn’t lose his balance

“Hey, you want this?” Din smiles fondly to the baby and with his long arm places the soft toy far away from him “C’mon like before “ his big hands on his side while the babe excitedly starts crawling towards his frog

“Hey! look! he’s getting faster!”

You smile at them, that big and serious man has the proudest smile, so bright and pure watching your baby grow before his eyes.

It’s been almost a week and he’s still repairing the car, or so he says. The manager hasn’t asked any questions and just assumed they are a family. And you must accept that you do look like one, a broken and weird one, but more than anything you have ever experienced.

And you wish he stayed forever that he could be a father to Greg, he certainly acts the part.

“Dinner is ready.”

The scent of the pines, the bugs chirping and the soft crackle of the fire is the perfect lullaby. Your baby has taken the habit of falling asleep against Din’s wide shoulder while the three of them enjoy the small porch outside the cabin.

“I think the car is ready”

The words you fear the most float in the air and you’re almost tempted to ignore them

“Hmm” you don’t face him yet, just look at the trees and try to swallow the pain “And where will you go?”

“Don’t know yet”

“How will I contact you?”

“I…”

“Do I have to search on Craigslist? Some old codewords in the newspaper? How do you even find a bounty hunter?” you’re laughing, but it really doesn’t hide the pain in your tone

“I have a phone” Din rolls his eyes at you but he’s amused, surprisingly he’s smiling more since you met him, he’s not that stern or cold as you pictured him when he caught you

“That would have come in handy when we were lost in the desert”

“I mean a fixed one”

“You have a house then?” you turn to him, lowering your voice midsentence as you see your son sleeping peacefully on Din’s arms

“Sort of”

“I will need you to expand that a little bit more Din”

Din in the quiet of the night, the moon, the stars and the fire illuminating your face he admires you pronounce it: The tip of your tongue showing softly between your teeth and he wishes to see you repeat it one, twice a thousand times.

“My family, my...it’s difficult to explain, anyway, it’s my safeplace, where I go to rest, I get the information for my next jobs, etc”

“Oh...okay, so I call you there?”

“Yeah you could, and write if you want” he offers with pleasing eyes

“Penpals, great” you answer and it sounds more sarcastic that you intended

“You could send me pictures of Greg”

Din lowers his eyes to the soft crown of the baby, that soft place on his head where he smells so sweet and tender. He can believe that he’s going and there will be no nights like this.

“I will do”

Your eyes get teary watching him softly kiss you babe, carrying to his crib whispering sweet words so he doesn’t wake up.

“So I’ve packed many water bottles, and those protein bars in case you get yourself lost in the desert again, cowboy. Sadly you won’t have my unparalleled company” you joke tapping him on his arm

“No, I won’t” Din forces a smile “I...Take care” he awkwardly squeezes your forearm

“You too-Shit!” you scream slapping your forehead “The sandwiches! I knew I forgot something. I made you something for lunch. I’ll be right back”

You press little Greg to Din’s arms before running away leaving them with wide eyes and a confused look

“Take care of you mother, kid, sometimes she can be a lot to handle”

“Hi, Ken” you say breathly as you storm inside the reception and get inside the staff meeting room.

“Hi! Has your boyfriend left already?” He asks while writing something on his agenda

“Not yet” you say looking for the lunch bag you had prepared inside the fridge. You hand stops midway when you heard her voice

It is horrible, we have not consolation, our baby has been kidnapped and we have no information

Her fake cries fill the room, some national tv is making a report on the kidnapping of little Greg. The tragic zoom at her face fades away when they show a picture of your baby.

“Fuck…” you mutter

I need him back. He’s my baby

“He’s not your baby, you bitch” you spat under your breath

“What did you say, hun, you need something” Ken raises his eyes to you, one eyebrow arched, he follows your eyes to the TV

“That baby looks exactly…” and then you know

You grab your sandwich bag and strom out as you did before. Din is holding Greg on his hip while he finishes loading the trunk with his bags

“We’re out of here”

You cry when you reach to him, pushing him away, you close the trunk door

“Wait what happened?”

“No time, let’s go”

How has this man trusted you so much as to run away with you? For all he knows you could actually be a kidnapper, that story about leaving your son with someone you trusted and that eventually you discovered that they were assholes could be fake. But he doesn’t. He runs away, drives and drives without asking a question.

“She had the guts to say it was his son, he isn’t. She barely had it for a few months until I could settle my life. And then she asked me for a crazy amount of money because children are expensive you know I fucking payed for a a new pool in her stupid house, while my son was always dressed in old clothes, too big or too small. They didn’t care for him”

And on top of trusting you, he lets you rant away all you anger

“There’s no way I’m giving him back. I rather die!”

He stops the car, the road again is silent, dressed in the colors of the sunset

“Calm down, you’re scaring him” Greg looks at you with trembling lips not knowing why he should be scared or angry, he just knows that his mama is upset “He will stay with you, I promise”

“The police must be searching for us” your warm tears cloud your eyes

“They won’t find us where we are going”

He ditches the car somewhere and you see him burning it. He carries the big bag on his back and hands you water and snacks from time to time.

“Just a few miles more”

The red stone looks like some ethereal cathedral around you, a palace in the middle of nowhere almost like another world, magical and eerie. If there’re marks or signs you don’t see them, but Din walks among the rock so sure of his steps searching among the labyrinth of rocks. And suddenly…

You hear the soft clicks of many guns' trigger locks going off at the same time. But Din softly whistles some tune and from all over: up the rocks, between them, children come out. Kids, all different from one another, some really young, others tall and weirdly looking teenagers in that mixed age where they are not a child nor an adult and others already grown to be young adults.

“Din” a curly haired girl dressed with camouflage clothes runs towards him with open arms, she has a crooked smile as she has lost some of her front teeth

“Hey, gumball!” Din bents down when she hugs him, her sweet face pressed against his belly

“Who are they?” a boy, holding a shotgun to his side, his face full of red dots, frowns at you

“They’re friends who need help” Din explains raising one of his arms trying to calm down the group

“Are they lost too?” Gumball asks

“Yes” Din nods

“But she’s a mum” some kid screams from above

“Mums can be lost too. C’mon, we’ve been walking for hours, can we go home?” he answers

“Of course, let’s go. Boba will be happy to see you” Gumball grabs Din’s hand and smile widely jumping happily through the stone corridors

“Wait, Din, what the fuck? who the fuck is Boba? What are these kids doing here?”

Gumball fires a concerned look at you

“She said two bad words”

“Gonna let it pass, Gum, she’s a bit scared and tired” Din smirks your way and you question in silent muttering the fuck again and again

“I see you pronouncing it, you know?” Gumball rolls her eyes “No bad words or you pay the price”

“Yes, understood, sorry” you close your lips hard trying not to ask more questions until you arrive home or whatever that is.

After a few minutes of turning left right, left right, right left you’re completely lost until the stone towers open up a way to a plain and on it, a ranch.

Some horses roam around nibbling on the pale green grass that grows on the land. A house on the centre is painted white but the paint looks old and chipped.

Now in the clear you count the children that surround you, ten, ten kids in the middle of nowhere.

“Welcome to the Watch” Din smiles at you, he almost look shy and earning a upset look from Gumball, he releases her hand and holds you with his big palm on your back

“What is this place, Din?”

“Home” he simply answers

The kids run through the porch screaming and opening without a care the door to the house

“Yeah, I heard you, little heathens” a masculine voice screams from the interior

His hard steps clack on the ground and you hear the spurs before you see him arriving with his leather boots, his used jeans and a low cowboy hat covering him from the sun

“I thought something must have happened to you” he says, evaluating Din. His tanned face is covered by a long and twisted scar from his lip to his forehead, he has dark eyes like Din but colder in a way, very deep and when they fall into you, you hug your baby tightly without thinking it

“I see” he says “C’mon on in, that baby can’t stay too long in the sun”

The house is nice, surprisingly tidy given the fact that there are ten kids living in it. The furniture looks like the exhibit of an old auction house, each one of them completely different of style, color or age from the other.

The man that everyone call Boba gives some orders to the group and they efficiently start doing what he asks

“Prepare a room for our guests”

“Bring water and food”

“Prepare some fresh fruit for the baby”

You sit, little Greg with eyes wide open. As any baby he’s absorbed by all the children around him, and he reaches with his little hands trying to grab them

“Little fella wants to play, you can leave him on the rug if he wants to”

“He’s fine here, thanks” you say holding him although Greg is already removing your hands from him wanting to explore

“Boba, we have nowhere to go” Din explains sipping on his cold water

“I guess, you have never brought anybody here” He reclines himself on his rocking chair watching Din intenly

“We need to protect them for a while, until we can find a solution”

“You’ll be safe here, you know that, you can stay as long as you want, just respect the house rules” and he points to a wood board, engraved in them are a few rules

Be respectful of yourself and others

I finish my tasks as promised, ask for help if I can’t

I will not curse

Be clean of yourself and your environment

Protect your family and your house above all

“They seem...pretty logical, won’t be a problem to follow them” you smile uncomfortably

“Well, somebody said you have a potty mouth, young lady. So watch it, but for the moment, you may rest, we will see for the rest tomorrow” He sighs when he gets up and taps on Din’s shoulder before he goes to the kitchen

“Let’s make dinner” you hear him scream, before the rumbling of pans and chopping and children screaming start

“Din…” you say after a moment

“I know you have a million questions”

“Duh!” you laugh nervously

“This is my family, we’re not related by blood but by circumstances. Lost kids, abandoned, neglected; we have a safe place here and in time we go out in the world and make our own life but we always have the Watch over us. A place where we’re watched over, taken care of, listened…” his caramel eyes glow and you see his strong and stern facade crumble before your eyes, in this place he can relax. He feels safe so you can too, right?

“We’ll be fine here” He reaches for you hand, the one that holds little Greg caressing him with your thumb, and covers both of you squeezing softly

We, it’s the second time he has referred to you as a group, you and me and Greg, We.

“We’ll be fine” You smile back, lowering your face, you kiss his knuckles, leaving a warmth there Din will be holding for hours.

You don’t notice, but the whole time during dinner he passes his thumb over that small place of his skin where you kissed him.

(Hey! remember when you read that fic in May? I continued it...so sorry that it took so long, I've taken the liberty of tagging you since you were interested in a follow up from the first one @fangirlalexia @childrenofthewatch )

[wendystales]

Memories - lrh (Chapter Seventeen)

Memories (also on Wattpad)

Chapter Sixteen ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ Chapter Eighteen

Marnie pov.

I don't know if it was hangover or guilt, but my head was weighing a ton the morning after the party. Unlike everyone, I didn't wake up in a good mood, in fact I was pretty quiet at breakfast. Lucky for me, no one suspected anything, as the hangover gripped everyone there.

As yesterday was still Saturday and most had to work, I didn't have to run away from anyone. Since my plan had been in action since Monday, I took the day off to start packing up some things, trying to get everything as ready as possible.

For today, I had left only the final adjustments, like packing my suitcase and getting ready for my conversation with Luke.

The pain in my throat becomes more and more unbearable every time I hold back the cry. I fold up one of the band sweatshirts I have, watching the boys' faces, wanting to reinforce why I'm doing this.

I run my finger over Luke's face, as if I'm touching him. Friday's flashes flood my mind and I scold myself for nearly screwing it up out of sheer desire. Of course I wanted it as much as he did. Feel his touch, the desire and love he manages to emanate so naturally. I don't think I've ever felt so alive and so amazing in anyone's arms as in his, but it couldn't happen.

The doorbell snaps me out of my thoughts. I hurry downstairs, thinking it's Martin with the paperwork.

“Noah?" I give my friend room to enter. "Aren't you supposed to be at that lunch?" I check my watch and check the time, 1:37 PM. “Noah?” I call him, wondering at his frown.

"I wanted to come talk to you directly so we don't have any misunderstandings and to see if that way I can understand what this should mean." he hands me a folder. I open it quickly feeling my blood pressure drop. It was the paperwork I was waiting for. "What's this about moving to New York?"

"How did this get to you?" I try to control my breathing and head into the living room, feeling the urge to sit down. I start to think of a million excuses and ways not to have this conversation since it wasn't part of my plan.

“In case you also forgot, I work at the company. I am the owner's son and above that I am your advisor, everything that happens to you must pass through me at some point. Now tell me what this story is." I don't think I've ever seen Noah this angry.

“I received a job offer and decided to accept.” I know my voice has cracked, but I pray he doesn't notice. Noah stares at me for a few seconds with a more confused and displeased expression.

“I've known you for two years. You're going to have to try harder if you want to deceive me. Marnie, you just signed a rehearsal contract here in LA. If you got a proposal, you would know from me. Does this have to do with the fact that you're weird these days? What? Did you go without saying anything to anyone? That's it?” I remain silent, feeling everything go downhill from there. Slowly, a fury starts to build inside me. “Marnie, what's going on?”

It's not just the countless times I've heard this question throughout the week. I believe it's because I'm not in control of anything right now. About me being forced to do all this, not being able to tell my friend what's going on. All of this makes the question so much bigger and deeper than it really is. And it makes the fury that's brewing inside me grow.

“My God! Nothing! It's not happening anything. What a bag!” the scream breaks my mouth, coming out louder and angrier than I expected. “I am fine! When are you going to understand this?” he doesn't seem to be frightened by my scream, just standing there with his arms crossed and expressionless.

"Maybe when you stop lying and tell me what's going on?" he makes fun of me. A cynical laugh comes out of me as I go to open the door and ask him to leave my apartment. “You weren't like that, Marnie." I get irritated again. I can't explain where so much anger comes from, let alone contain it.

“Surprise, Noah, I'm like that. This is Marnie and always has been. Now if you don't like her, I can't do anything. Your ‘Marnie’ is gone and it's just me. And I'm going to New York whether you like it or not.” along with the anger, I feel like crying, but once again, I hold back with all my strength.

Noah nodded thoughtfully. I know it's a scene, that he's going to attack me again, he's just choosing his words.

“Then that's it? You mess it up, make everyone believe that everything is fine, and leave without warning. Is that what you're going to do?” the judgmental look bothers me.

"I didn't mess anything up."

“No?” he laughs falsely. "I don't say for myself or for the girls, but haven't you been giving a certain someone hope, making him believe you could get back together? And now you're going to go away and let him suffer without caring?” he raises his eyebrows.

I suck in the air harder, making it burn. The fire burns stronger inside me. The desire at the moment is to break everything.

“Do not do it.” my voice breaks. I close my eyes, pulling myself together. “Do not do it! Don't think I'm not suffering from having to make this decision either.” I can't hold back the tears, not caring about them anymore either.

“You're? Cuz it doesn't look like.” I close my hands, squeezing them tightly. I try to control the urge to scream, scream in hate, in anger, in pain and most of all, scream that he is being unfair to me.

“Of course I'm suffering.” once again I scream. "Do you think not?! Look at me! Do you think it doesn't hurt me to have to do all this?! Leave him here like this and not be able to do anything?! Of course it hurts. Why do you think I'm doing all this?! Because I love him! I love more than one day I thought it was possible to love someone. I'm doing it for him. But there's no easy way to do this, I don't have a choice.”

“Everyone has a choice, Marnie, you're just choosing the one you find easiest.”

"Does this sound easy to you?" I interrupt him, opening my arms, showing me. I dry my tears exhausted. “I made my choice and I appreciate if you respect. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish packing my bags.” I open the door for him.

My friend doesn't say anything else, just heads towards the door.

“Feel free to share my plan with the others.” I say tough.

“No! I will not do that. You made your decision, you did the shit and now deal with it.” Noah doesn't even wait for the elevator, taking the stairs.

I slam the door, feeling that anger still burn inside me. I rest my eyes on the wall where my photo is. I go to it, pulling out the wallpaper, tearing off part of the image. I'm not mad at Noah, I'm mad at myself, at the way it all went and where I went.

If I weren't a model, I could be living my life without any problems. Luke would still be the guy in the band I only knew one song about. I would be happy and free from all that pressure.

Still needing to release that anger, I grabbed the flower pots near the door, throwing what was left of my image against. My throat hurts from sobs and my heart clenches when that feeling arises.

““Wait, there's an eyelash.” I say to Luke, trying to catch it. “OK! Make a wish.” I lift my little finger at him.

He was about to take the stage at the Capital Summertime Ball. Luke stares at my finger thoughtfully and smiles, apparently determined.

“Be my girlfriend?” he sounds curious. I stare at his amused face, making sure he's kidding me.

“I'm serious.” I push his shoulder with another hand. I gasp when I see Luke kneel down with the guitar.

“Me too.” he shrugs. I start to laugh nervously, covering my face but careful not to lose my eyelash. I can hear the muffled laughter of the boys beside us, just wanting to hit each one of them.

“You need to blow to see if your wish comes true.” I say, already knowing my answer and I suspect he does too. Luke stands up blowing his flying eyelash.

"Boys, it's you, come in." a production guy yells, already pushing Ashton onto the stage, who is followed by Calum.

Quickly, I grab Luke's face, like I always did before he took the stage.

“Yes!” I give him a peck, watching him smile. Luke hugs me, stealing another kiss, running up onto the stage happily.

“This was definitely the cutest, most improvised request I've ever seen.” I open an even bigger smile, hearing Ryan beside me. I lay my head on his shoulder, swallowing the happy cry I wanted to let out.””

I don't know how long I sat staring at my torn photo, with a horrible pain in my chest. I hug my knees like the coward I am, not wanting to accept that the time has come.

Luke pov.

I jot down one more note in the melody I'm creating. The idea came up in the morning and if I didn't work on it now, I would forget. I go back to playing the piano following the sequence, when the bell interrupts me.

Petunia doesn't even make an effort to get up, remaining on the couch, snoring.

I open the door feeling my heart race. Marnie was standing there with a serious expression. I conclude that she came to tell me what was going on and I am relieved that I will finally understand what is happening.

“Can we talk?" I'm surprised by the hard look.

I make room for her, who goes straight to the living room, standing in the middle. I let a weak smile emerge, remembering all the times she's done this. I stop a little away, giving space, because I know how important this is to her at these times.

"I believe you came to tell me what's going on." I keep my hands in my pants pockets. M&Ms nodded.

"I came to break whatever we have." I don't know how to react. In fact, I'm not sure I got it right. “Look I tried, I really tried, but…”

“I'm sorry, what?”

For a second, I wonder how I got back to two years ago, where we had these fights almost daily. Where we were too dumb to want to accept. If it weren't for the pink hair, I would be convinced that it would be 2018 again.

“I tried to feel something for you, but I couldn't. And there's nothing I can do.”

I stare at Marnie, confused. I replay the past few weeks in my mind, all our moments together, and I can't believe a single word she says. I know everything was real. Every smile and laugh, every flushed cheek, every look and especially every kiss. Come back to Friday. How can she say there was nothing there?

“You gotta be kidding me. After all we've been through this month, do you have the courage to try to say you didn't feel anything?” my tone rises.

It doesn't make any sense. Her speech, her request not to forget that she likes me and today this? The pieces don't come together.

“Sorry. But I can't go on with this anymore.” I can see your gaze looking around the room. She's lying, why is she lying? For me on top.

“Why are you doing this?” Marnie looks at me confused.

"Because I'm tired of carrying this…”

“No! Why are you lying to me?” her eyes roll. I get close enough to be able to hear and notice her breathing.

"I have no reason to lie to you. If you can't accept that a girl doesn't like you, that's your business.” she passes me at the mention of leaving. But I hold your arm.

"So Friday was my hallucination? The two of us in the bedroom. You on my lap. All that desire and lust, was it a dream of mine?” your pupils dilate.

I can see she's thinking right now, can feel her pulse increase. She felt something, all this time, she felt something. I don't know if it's that insecurity from the beginning, the fear of getting involved, of getting hurt that always kept her away from me. The fear that I would be like him.

“I drank a lot.” her voice breaks the silence. I let go, covering my face, laughing indignantly.

“Oh my God, Marnie, why are you doing this? It's clear you're lying to me. Tell me what's going on. Is someone blackmailing you? Threatening you? Is it Stephen? Did he mess with you again?”

“There's nothing going on, Luke. I just don't love you.” she says with her head down.

The sentence cuts through me, causing agonizing pain. I feel my body retract. Your voice comes back in my mind in different tones and shapes, telling me every time you loved me. Whispering, screaming, in normal tones, even the day she swallowed helium gas.

My eyes burn. I don't want to cry in front of her, not out of shame, because I've cried a million times, but out of pride in not accepting that I'm hurt.

“I didn't want to go that far.” her restrained voice hovers over me.

I look at Marnie, not recognizing her. This is not the girl I fell in love with. The girl I spent nights awake just imagining what it would be like to go out with her, what it would be like to hold her hand and see her smile at me. The girl I spent mornings admiring sleeping. That I wrote love letters. That several times made me forget even my name just for saying the same thing. It's not her.

But it's amazing how I still know she's in there, somehow. Maybe Marnie was right that day, she didn't want to feel like an intruder in her own life, but she was.

She herself undid everything we built. Everything we've fought so hard has fallen like a house of cards. The promises made at dawn about our future together, vanish with the wind. I know they weren't empty, but the girl who made them with me isn't here.

“I'm so sorry. I-”

“Say it looking at me.” I stare at her resolutely.

“Don't do that.” she begs in a whisper.

Her eyes flood with despair and I delude myself, even with pain. Her mouth opens several times, but her voice doesn't come out. Her eyes blink several times, trying to ward off the tears that are forming there. I watch her body hold the air.

“What? Weren't you so determined?! So convinced?! Didn't you come here for this?! So say it looking at me, not the walls, like you're doing.” her jaw locks. “Two years ago you came here to look me in the eye and say you wanted to try, you came to ask me for a chance for both of us. So now look into them and say you don't want it anymore.”

Marnie stares at me lost. I pray, I beg her not to make it, for her to give up on this stupid idea. That deep down she says she's afraid to surrender. I wouldn't mind ignoring this fight and pretending nothing happened. Then I would hold her and make her feel like I would protect her from everything, make her feel loved. But my thoughts change and I lose hope when I watch her take off the necklace I gave her.

“I'm sorry.” she puts it in my hand. Right now I don't mind letting the tears fall. I stare at my hands feeling destroyed. Her lips touch my cheek lightly and so she leaves my house and my life.

““What is this?” I open a smile watching her approach, openmouthed. “Luke, what is this all about?” her eyes run over all the details with curiosity.

For a few seconds, I don't know what to say. I lose my breath watching how stunning she looks in this flowery dress with wavy hair. Holy crap.

“Our first date.” I shrug. Marnie breaks into a beautiful smile, making her cheeks blush. The sparkle in your eyes enchants me.

“Luke, when you said a date I swore we were going to a restaurant, I didn't think…” her voice trails off, giving way to a delighted laugh.

"Have I exaggerated?" I approach her, looking at the small tree with scattered lights and the table for two with two candles. "If you say yes, I'll be upset." I make fun of her.

“No! It's perfect, is that… I didn't expect this. Not all of that.” she whispers. "Did you do all this?" she looks at me in surprise.

“Good part. Except the food, the intention is to impress you, not make you run away from me.” I look at her teary eyes and feel amazing for getting it right. She liked.

I take a deep breath, trying to control my breathing and my nervousness. I wanted to leave Marnie speechless, wanted her to make sure I was worth it. And even with all the effort, she managed to leave me speechless yet. My God, how could someone be so beautiful like that? Am I really that lucky to have gotten her attention? I mean, do I deserve her?

“I do not know what to say. Thank you.” I get lost in her eyes, feeling the butterflies in my stomach grow. It couldn't be possible for me to be in love with her that fast already, could it?””

Marnie pov.

Air doesn't reach my lungs, no matter how windy it is. My chest and throat hurt so much my body recoils with every sob. It was like sand in my hand, running through my fingers, I couldn't hold it back.

As torture, I replay the scene in my head again, watching his blue eyes lose their luster and let those tears fall. I wanted to hug him and tell him I was crazy, drunk. That deep down I was completely in love with him, and I didn't even need my memories for that. Luke is so amazing that he managed to win me over again and I believe he could a million times over. I wanted to say that I want him, I want him more than anything, but I can't.

The doorbell pulls me out of my private cell, my mind, prompting me to question whether the bomb had ever gone off. It would probably be Leah or even Ashton, but I don't want to deal with anyone right now. I don't want lectures, I don't want judgments, I just want to stay on the couch until tomorrow when it's my time to go to New York.

I crawl to the door finding the last person I want to see right now. John Letterman has a huge, excited smile, in contrast, my face is red and swollen from crying for the past few hours.

“Hi, Marnie, how are you?” Cursed the day I ran into him at the studio.

“What are you doing here?” John plays offended.

“I just came to ensure that everything is going with our agreement.”

"What does it look like?" I point to my face. “It's all just the way you made me do it.” I turn around, entering the still-destroyed apartment.

"But what happened here?" he looks at the destroyed hall in disgust.

“You, John. Just you and your disgusting manipulation.” John shakes his head laughing.

"I didn't put any gun to your head to accept this. I just showed you the truth, you are destroying the career of 5 seconds of summer. Your person's association is putting their contract and their tour at risk. You're the one who decided to walk away.” he smiles satisfied.

I break eye contact, too exhausted to debate.

“I'm glad you lived up to your part of the deal and I hope this is the last time we've crossed paths.”

"Then we are two."

“But if I hear you're trying to get close to Luke again…” the tone of voice pisses me off.

“I've already done my part, but if you keep pissing me off, I'll go to Luke right now and tell him the whole truth.” I threat, nervous. I try not to show that his laugh makes me confused.

“You know, I missed you, Marnie. That innocence is really funny.” John stops laughing and approaches. "Do you think Luke wants to see you now?! Why do you think I'm here knowing everything?! He already called me, asking me to schedule the trip. He hates you now, Marnie. You broke his heart. I don't care what useless word you say to him, because he won't believe it. Here.” he takes his cell phone out of his jacket. "Want to call him and tell him?! I will help you.” he returns a venomous smile.

“Get out of my house.” I say through teeth.

"What's up, Marnie? Don't be so passionate. After all we are friends.” he makes fun of me.

"I said 'get out of my house.'” I scream, picking up a decorative vase beside me and threatening to throw it at it.

John doesn't look scared, but heads for the door.

“One day you'll thank me, Marnie.” he says before closing the door. I throw the vase, screaming, seeing it crash against the door.

The urge to go to Luke and tell the whole truth becomes much stronger, however, even if I don't want to admit it, John was right, Luke must hate me by now, making everything I say empty. On the other hand, I remember that I'm doing this for him.

I know at any other time, if I knew the band was going through something like that, I would do anything to help. Now, making sure I'm the problem, I want to become the solution and if that meant having to walk away from it then I would, after all their success and happiness could be mine.

I want to have faith that a few years from now, when everything is better, maybe I can get Luke and the others to understand why I'm doing this. Maybe we can even be friends if he doesn't hate me.

I give up, going up to my room for a shower and straight to bed. It's horrible knowing I need sleep to be acceptable for tomorrow, but I can't turn my head off. Even exhausted, I go over every fight I had today. Noah, Luke, and John's voices mingled in my mind, draining me more and more of my energy, but not to the point of putting me to sleep.

The night slowly drags on and the approach of dawn makes an anxiety rise within me. Yesterday they could have held back so they wouldn't come to debate anything, but I doubt that someone won't show up today and, given my state and mood, I'm sure I won't have the strength to fight.

For the few seconds and times I dozed off, I dreamed of the doorbell ringing, of Leah screaming for me to open the door. Finally, when the clock struck a little after five, I decided to get out of bed. Wrapped in the duvet, I walk to the kitchen, making tea. With my drink ready, I walk over to the couch on the balcony, watching the sky clear up for my last day in LA.

Passed morning, I go for a shower with the intention of getting rid of this weight. I lock everything in my room, not knowing when I'll be back. In the closet, I grab Luke's box and pull out my diary and some of our Polaroids. I also take the little white box, carefully storing it in my suitcase.

I walk around the house, closing windows, turning off power and stuff. I don't worry and much less care about the mess I made yesterday, if I ever come back to this apartment, I'll ask for a huge renovation, not wanting to remember anything from that time.

Around 8:00 am, I tell Martin that I want to go to the airport early, wanting to avoid any of my friends or family. I had already talked and said goodbye to my parents before the party. I'm relieved when he says he's on his way.

I take one last look at my apartment, accepting my defeat. I pick up my bags, already going downstairs and moving forward as much as possible to just leave, I just didn't count on Ashton at the front desk of the building

"Ash?" I call him on impulse. My friend turns to me, apparently not at all surprised to see me with my bags.

“Can we talk?” he questions calmly.

“I need to go to the air-” I try to dodge him, but Ash steps in front of me.

“Five minutes. I do not want to fight. I just want to understand you.” he interrupts me.

“You don't understand, Ash.” whisper. “I need to go.”

There's one thing I've always admired about Ashton, that peace he has and emanates. He in no second judges me with his gaze, in fact, this calm almost makes me tell everything, trusting that he would listen to me and believe me. But in seconds this idea loses strength, after all, Luke would not believe me and John could still harm the band.

“You know, I remember the day we met very well. You were the new student in yoga class and I was happy to have someone my age there. We weren't the best students and we talked too much, which caused us to be thrown out of class.” he laughs a little. “But even without that, we became good friends. It is not?”

“Yes,” I whisper, trying to understand where he is going.

“Marnie, I can't explain what was different with you, but I really didn't want to lose touch. I wanted you to be my friend. The problem is, in the end, I took care of you like my little sister. I think I projected that onto you. I've always taken care of Lauren and Harry a lot and I miss them sometimes. I always wanted to and will always protect you, but I need to know exactly what.”

“Ash…” I try to interrupt him but can't.

“I lost you once, in that fucking accident. I lost you to amnesia. I don't want to lose you for a silly thing. Marnie, please just tell me.” he pleads, holding my hands.

It pains me to see him like this. I can see the desperation in his eyes, just as I saw it in Luke's eyes. I know it hurts, but it has to. Ashton was definitely the best friend I've ever had in all my 23 years, I don't need my memory to prove it. Just a conversation with him and I realized our connection. Really, Ashton is the big brother I never had and I'm grateful for that.

Without the strength to want to convince him of the story I had already created, I pull his body to me, hugging my best friend for the last time. He doesn't deny the hug, squeezing me tightly, as if to stop me from going.

“Thanks for everything, Ash. Please don't forget my speech.” I give him a kiss on the cheek, ready to get into the car that has just arrived.

'It wasn't by chance that you and Luke met.” I stop at the door, turning confusing to him. “Ever since I've known you, I've known you'd be perfect for Luke, you're almost the female version of him. I just gave you guys a little push to see each other, because I knew the moment he saw you, he was going to fall in love with you.”

I stare at Ashton for a few more seconds before turning towards the car, feeling the tears wet my cheek once more. I didn't need to be an expert to know that yes, Luke and I were made for each other, but unfortunately, not all soulmates end up together.

I'm so sorry, I know I'm late. I have a undergraduate thesis at the end of the year and I am too busy with it. But I promise not to delay this amazing fic for you anymore. Thank you so much for all the support and affection, you're amazing. Until the next chapter!

P.s. which I will post in a few hours, after all, it's the least I can do after a month of delays. See ya! xoxo

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Ocean Eyes - Part 10

A/N- Another update??? What is going on??! hope you all enjoy this part 💕 Please like/share/reblog.

Within days of being back home from our weekend at Chris's the lockdown was announced and I spent a day packing up some of mine and Masons belongings that we might need while staying with Chris. While i was feeling very nervous about having to spend this time with Chris, Mason was over the moon! He was so excited that we had to go stay with Chris and Dodger.

Chris arrived early with Scott and they loaded our things into Chris's car.

"This is gonna be so much fun!" Scott said happily.

"Are you staying at Chris's too?"

"I am!"

"Oh god that means you're gonna be trying to get me drunk!"

"Well duh!" He laughed shrugging like it should have been a given.

"God help me you two are gonna be trouble" Chris said shaking his head as he helped Mason into his carseat.

"You knew what you were getting yourself into".

While Chris and Scott started bickering i turned and saw Brian coming out of his house, he stood and watched us and then started to walk towards us.

"Oh shit.... quick lets go, Brians coming over!"

"This guy!" Chris said through gritted teeth shaking his head and looking a little pissed off.

"Morning neighbour!" Brian called out, i turned and gave a quick wave.

"You and Mason leaving?"

"Yep, we're gonna ride this out with family" i nodded and felt Chris wrap his arm around my waist and pull me closer to him.

"Come on sweetheart we should go"

"Yeah sure, take care Brian"

"Wait, you look so familiar...." Brian suddenly said looking more closely at Chris "where have i seen you before?"

"I just have one of those faces, i get that a lot" Chris shrugged casually opening my door for me.

"Yeah maybe..... hey Y/N, i was thinking after this lockdown is over maybe you and i can get dinner...."

Was he serious right now??

"Dude really??!....." Chris snapped looking at Brian shaking his head.

"What?"

Chris closed my door and stood towering over Brian as they exchanged words i could no longer hear. Chris was soon strutting round to the driver side of the car while Brian stood there looking pissed. I turned to look at Chris as he got into the car, he was fuming. He started the car and pulled away onto the road, his grip on the steering wheel so tight his knuckles went white.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked him quietly.

"I will be knowing you and Mason are away from that creep"

"What did you say to him?"

"We'll talk about it later, i don't want Mace to hear"

"Okay, but can you please try and calm down....."

"Im Fine"

"Tell your face that, plus you're kinda white knuckling the steering wheel there....."

"Sorry.... sorry. Im fine really...." he loosened his grip and gave me a tight lipped smile.

"Always so protective" Scott chuckled from the back seat earning him a glare in the rear view mirror.

"Scott i swear to god...."

"Come on boys behave, this lockdown hasn't even started yet and you're bickering"

"You sure you don't wanna go stay with Ma....." Chris muttered at Scott making us all laugh.

The first week of lockdown quickly passed, there was no news on when the lockdown would let up so we were all just enjoying our time together.....It was just like old times. I called my mom and Hannah everyday just to check in and have some female conversation but other than that it was just me and the Evan's boys in our little quarantine bubble.

I was in the kitchen making breakfast when Chris walked in sporting a new haircut..... the buzzcut was back!

"Wow...... you've shaved your hair...."

"Yeah" he run his hand over his head blushing a little "fancied a change, its been a long time since i can just cut my hair when i want"

"Right, Marvel owned it before"

"No...."

"You know i'm right" i shrugged "i always did like the buzzcut look though"

"Yeah i remember....." he smirked.

"Morning family!" Scott said loudly walking into the kitchen "What happened to your hair??"

"Fancied a change, plus now i haven't gotta worry about my hair everyday"

"You know that actually sounds kinda smart..... have you seen my bed head??"

"Kinda hard to miss Scotty" i snickered behind my hand looking at his hair that was sticking up left, right and centre.

"Maybe i should do it too"

"And me!" Mason said smiling big at us "i want hair like dads too!"

"Oh my god Chris what have you started..."

"Sorry...."

"No its fine, its only hair. It'll grow back right.... i guess now is as good a time as any for a haircut".

After breakfast Chris took Mason for his hair cut while i showered and dressed for the day. The next time i saw them all three were sporting buzzcuts and i had to admit it was very cute!

"Let me get a photo of you three, this is just too cute to pass up" i smiled grabbing my phone. I snapped a few photo's and forwarded them to Chris and Scott before setting one as my lock screen and slipping my phone back into my pocket.

"Oh my god i love this.... i'm gonna get this blown up and framed on my wall" Chris smiled looking at the photo.

"Let me get one of you three" Scott jumped up and pulled me towards the sofa where Chris and Mason still sat.

"Oh.... we dont have to do that....."

"Come on, it'll be nice to have at least one photo of the three of us" Chris said looking up at me with those damn ocean eyes of his that always made me week.

"Okay, sure" i nodded taking the seat next to Mason.

"Move in a bit closer....." Scott said trying to get us all in frame, we both leaned in closer to Mason and smiled while Scott took the photo.

"Oh i'm good..... this is great you guys" Scott said before both our phones were receiving photo's from Scott. I couldn't help the smile on my face when i saw how lovely the photo had come out.

"Okay you did good, i love this"

"This ones going up too by the way" Chris looked at me with a huge smile.

"You don't have to do that...."

"You kidding me? I want to"

"Fair enough, its your house. I just don't think your girlfriend will appreciate it much".

"Okay..... who wants lunch??" Scott asked loudly interrupting, it had suddenly got a bit awkward at the mention of Lindsey so i just got up quickly and followed Scott into the kitchen.

Once Mason was in bed for the night the alcohol came out. We watched some old movie (that Chris found hilarious) played some card games which somehow led to childish drinking games and before we knew it we were all pretty wasted!

"Right you guys i'm going to bed, i physically can not drink anymore" Scott said getting to his feet and stumbling making Chris and I laugh.

"Dude you're such a lightweight" Chris rolled his eyes at his brother.

"Shut up. Goodnight.... love you both"

"Night Scotty, love you" i smiled up at him from where i was laying on sofa.

"Night bro, love ya".

Chris and I sat in silence for a few minutes, just the sounds on the TV playing in the background.

"You want another beer?" He asked getting up from the armchair he had been occupying all night.

"Sure, i'll have one more before bed".

While Chris went to grab the beers i sat and reached for my phone to make sure i hadn't missed any messages from my mom or Hannah. There was a photo from Hannah that made me laugh just as Chris walked back in with the beers.

"Hannah just sent me this photo..." i said to him turning my phone to show him a photo of Lucas who now had a buzzcut.

"Haha! Oh god i really started something didn't i?" He laughed looking a bit guilty.

"I sent her a photo of Mason's new haircut earlier, she said Lucas wouldn't shut up about wanting the same.... looks like he got his way"

"You gotta admit it looks cute though?"

"Yeah okay i'll give you that. Mason is like your little mini me, even more so than usual"

"He’s just missing the beard"

"I think we've still got some time until that happens" i laughed "you definitely have strong genes Evans.....that boy literally inherited none of my looks"

"No but he's got your attitude and sass"

"Hey!"

"Im kidding.... mostly"

"Ass" i muttered shaking my head at him before taking a mouthful of my beer.

"He might look like me but his personality is all you sweetheart... he's an amazing kid"

"Yeah he is, id be lost without him"

"I kinda love having you both here" Chris added avoiding eye contact with me.

"Its been nice, just remember its not permanent...."

"I know, i know" he nodded quickly "you know when i came in and saw you laughing at your phone, my first thought was that it might've been Derek.... i hate that guy and i don't even know him" he scoffed "how sad is that?"

"Chris....."

"I know, its none of my business who you date or whatever"

"You're right it is none of your business. But just for the record, there's nothing going on with Derek, we were gonna go for dinner before this lockdown stuff but i haven't spoken to him since"

"Oh...."

"Can i ask you something?" I turned to face him, he looked up and nodded finally looking at me.

"Why isn't Lindsey here?"

"What?...."

"Why isn't Lindsey staying with you? I mean you guys are obviously serious if you came looking for that divorce but she isn't here....."

Chris looked away again coughing to clear his throat.... was he nervous??

"Lindsey isn't here because i ended it"

"What?... when?"

"When i found out i had a son. When i saw you again and realised anything i thought i felt for her was a lie"

"Are you fucking with me right now?"

"No. Im just being honest. Y/N, i know i fucked up when i ended things with us.... it was the biggest mistake of my life and i regret it everyday.... but i never stopped loving you. Not for one god damn second...."

I suddenly felt very sober, my heart pounding in my chest.

“You’re just saying this because you’ve had too much to drink...” i muttered shaking my head.

“You’re probably right, doesn’t mean its not true. Ive just been keeping it to myself” Chris suddenly got up and came to sit next me taking hold of my hand “i know my timings sucks but i just needed you to know..... and i just need to know if there is any chance at all that you’d give me another chance.....”

“Chris i really don’t think now is a good time to talk about this.... we’ve both had too much to drink..... if you’re serious about this i think we need to have this conversation sober”

“But you’re willing to have that conversation?”

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow” i nodded pulling my hand free and standing up “i’m gonna go to bed.... goodnight”.

I had to put some distance between us before i did something id regret in the morning.

It was safe to say i wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight.

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @rororo06 @supernaturalwintersoldier @fairlightswiftly @hiddelstannerbarnes

Ocean eyes: @supraveng @michelehansel @melissaglenn5 @denisemarieangelina

@mrsjeffwittek @mery-be @marvelfansworld @cmalass @capstopavenger @fallenoutofrose @kelbabyblue @biebsmylife95 @loser-alert @traceyaudette @w3lissax @jennmurawski13 @ford66steal @saiyanprincessswanie @christocrave

@jakiki94 @torntaltos @buchanansebba

[growingupautie]

StoryTime: All That and a Bag of...

At my previous job, I and a coworker or two would often grab lunch at a local restaurant. Usually, it was just me and one other guy thought. Sometimes we'd go to the pizza place. Sometimes the Chinese place down the street. There were a few good spots but we went to them all the time so they got pretty boring. Isn't it funny how when you finally have access to almost any food, you end up feeling like nothing sounds good and taking it for granted?

One day, most of my coworkers were busy, and my go-to guy told me he had errands to run. I drove by the Chinese place we usually go to and parked my car. But as I got out, I saw the Subway next to it and decided that since nobody ever wanted to go there, I would do that instead. I closed my car door and felt someone watching behind me. It felt like they were ready to make their move and ambush me with something but there was a distinct lack of a feeling of ill-intent.

I started to rush off toward the entrance as I hear from the watcher behind me "HEY! Hey man! Can you uh...I don't get paid for two weeks and I just started a new job...Can you buy me lunch and I'll pay you back?" I look back and see an older man in his late 30's sitting in his beat-up work truck wearing a neon work vest frantically awaiting my answer. "Uh..." I said, not really wanting to interact with anyone that day but feeling like I was long overdue for a good deed. "Sure, man...Come on."

He said "Are you serious?! Thank you. Oh, God. Thank you. God Bless you." and he leaped out of his truck, and threw the door shut running toward me. He held the door open for me and said "I'll pay you back. I promise." When I do things like this for people, I don't really want to be paid back and as I told him, it "wouldn't be much of a good deed if I did." He thanked me with an oddly frantic nature and seemed to almost get teary-eyed.

I thought to myself about how rare kindness must be to him if that small amount elicited that response. Then I realized that it most certainly was to me, and that's about the same amount of kindness it would take to move me as well. "I haven't eaten in a few days..." he told me. "I just started this new job, and I'm in a bad way until I get paid." He added. As his words hit me I said with a somewhat heavier heart. "Well, you're eating today, man. Get whatever you want.

The person in line ahead of us turned around and mean mugged him, and looked at me as if to say I was being scammed. That the guy was just in it for a free meal. Honestly, He could've been right in that moment for all I knew. But the truth is, I didn't care. I'd rather it be a free food scam than any other type because it's still a good deed done in the name of goodness.

But at the same time, I felt like this guy was either legitimate or extremely exaggerating his actions to seem that way. Either way, I didn't care. And because of that, the joke would be on him if he was lying. He ordered a 6-inch sandwich, and I told him to make it a foot long if he hadn't eaten in so long. He almost broke down again but snapped out of it, and changed his order.

He added chips and a drink to it, but only after I insisted. Further taking away the idea that this was all a scam to get free food. He picked his sandwich and drink up and looked like he was ready to walk out. "Do you mind if I eat with you?" he asked me. I was taken aback. Most of the time when I had bought someone lunch over the years they either doubled their order, left as soon as it was ready, or both. "Uh...Yeah, man. Sure." I told him.

We went and sat down and he thanked me again frantically for the food. Then he pulled the sandwich out and started literally scarfing it down in front of me. And I mean scarfing. And for a brief moment, I thought to myself "Who eats like that?" until it clicked in my head that only someone who hadn't eaten a meal in a long time would... I immediately felt horrible. "How long has it been?" I asked. "Um...Been a few days. Maybe Saturday?" It was Tuesday.

"I'm sorry, my brother. I didn't realize how bad it was." I told him as tears burned in my eyes burning my nostrils as I was overcome with emotion. He told me he understood, and I did more than anyone else did for him. I explained my stance on doing the good for the good and he told me again he would pay me back. "No, my brother. I never expected you to. That's the whole point. His eyes welled up more than they had before as he kept eating.

"My wife left us..." he said. "us?" I asked seeing what I was assuming was his wedding ring on his necklace and worrying about his answer. "Yeah, me and my little boy. She left us, and went to Louisiana." (I believe) he told me. "She took almost everything with her leaving me broke, and without any way to provide for my son." He took another bite and continued. "I just started this job, and it pays good. But I ain't gonna see a dime until next Thursday."

I asked him when the last time his son ate was, and he told me he had been going without so he could feed his son. I believe he said he could only afford ramen and hot dog weiners and was making his son that. I had always wanted to be a dad and I didn't really have the best examples growing up. At that time I was questioning ability to be a father.

Kandace and I were either planning to or trying to conceive, at the time and all I could think was being in a situation where I couldn't afford to take care of my son and what that must be doing to him. Much less foregoing food for himself to do what little he could. Thinking about it now as a father makes the emotion so much worse but at that moment it nearly broke my heart.

He didn't ask me for money. He told me he was going to find a way to get some groceries. That he didn't have anything to sell, but he would find a way. He nearly finished his entire sandwich by that time, and I asked why he was eating so quickly. He told me he had spent 30 minutes of his 60-minute lunch break asking people outside to buy him lunch so he didn't black out at work with no food.

In that moment...I had had enough. I wasn't going to put up with a situation like that that I had the power to change. I packed the rest of my sandwich up to take to work and said. "My brother. I know you don't have much time left but can you follow me to the Grocery store real quick?" He said "uh..sure" unsure of why I would ask him that. He followed me over to the ATM directly inside and upon realizing where we were said "I...No, my brother. You've already helped me enough."

"My brother..." I told him. "I don't trust these humans out here to help you, and I'm not going to let a hard-working single father and his son starve. It's just not going to happen." He started actually crying at that point and I did all I could not to do the same. I pulled out what I could afford to give him.

The number is not important, and I can't remember anyway, but it's not as much as I wanted to give him. I told him that I hoped what I gave him would get him through to payday and he hugged me (After asking.) I told him they would be ok and that we was an amazing father to sacrifice for his son like he had. The kind of father many kids unfortunately never had. I knew he needed to hear that and I'm glad I said it.

He kept trying to tell me he wanted to pay me back. And in the end, I finally told him how he could. "When you are on your feet and can afford to. Find someone who needs help like you did, and help them." I said. "That's what I'm doing now, and that's why I'm doing it. I continued.

As an Autistic adult, I came from a place where nobody would hire me, and no matter what I tried to make money, I fell flat on my face. I have been plagued with bad luck most of my life and have often felt cursed, so when I finally get on my feet and out of the bad times and see someone struggling to do the same just like I did, my first thought isn't to judge them or tell them to pull themselves up. It's to help them up.

He was a single dad with a new job trying to do right by his son. He was pulling himself up. But he needed help. Sometimes when people help themselves up, they still need a hand. And in a world of apathetic "not my problem" attitudes. Be that hand. Be that hand in spite of the judgmental onlookers, and naysayers. Yes. Guard yourself against being used, and abused but do what you can afford to do to help make their world, and by extension the rest of the world a better place.

And wherever you are, my brother, if you are by some random happenstance reading this. I hope you and yours are as well as me and mine. Thank you for being a shining example of fatherhood in a time where I was questioning my ability to be one.

-Nathan Alan McConnell

---

Hell me make more content more often at PAYPAL.ME/GROWINGUPASPIE and PATREON.COM/IRISHWOLFPRODUCTIONS

[bookishnerdhero]

ROTBTD - OUAT AU Episode 2 (Part 5)

If you came here not having read the first Episode then you might want to check that one out first. Here’s the LINK to the very first post for this Fic. Otherwise this part is pretty confusing.

ROTBTD - The Big Four – OUAT AU

Present 

It was near the end of the lunch period when Principal Pitchiner asked to have a chat with Jack in his office. For a moment he’d grudgingly thought he was in trouble. Something to do with hanging out with Jamie despite his earlier threats, maybe. But what kind of bad influence could Jack have given him in a library? So it was a surprise to Jack when the first thing to come out of Pitchiner’s mouth was—

“I’m sorry.”

“What?”

Pitchiner’s expression seemed sincere and his hand was gesturing for Jack to take a seat. He even slid across a small bowl with mints in it to him.

Jack sat reluctantly.

“I shouldn’t have spoken to you the way I did before, Mr. St. North. I hope you could forgive me.” The man massaged his temples as if he’d actually been plagued by some guilt. The way he spoke, as if he had a silver-tongue, it seemed hard not to see his words as reason. “It comes from a place of protectiveness for my son, you see. I misjudged you.”

“Hey, er, no harm done?”

He tried to offer the bowl of candy again and Jack took one just to be polite.

“You see, I’m afraid Jamie has this tendency to lie to people about his father as a form of rebellious phase.” As he spoke Pitchiner took a piece of candy as well and unwrapped it, fumbling with the wrapper as if bothered.

“The man abandoned Jamie at an orphanage when he was 6 years old and never came back. I’ve been taking him to see Doctor Way and he thinks he uses lying as a coping mechanism.”

Jack didn’t really know what to say, he suspected it was a mess based on what Jamie’s been telling him but he didn’t expect it to be this, well, sad. He didn’t expect he’d end up knowing more than he should either.  

“The way you look right now I take it you had no idea?”

“No. No, sir.”

“Funny, I thought the whole town knew. You know, the rumors here spread like wildfire. Especially since I’m the Principal. I’m always just doing everything I can to protect him.”

“I get it.” Jack nodded, hoping Pitchiner could detect his sincerity. “But I really had no idea.”

“I suspect he remembers only the good things. I was worried that being with you, and how you seem to indulge his childish fantasies might encourage him further,” the Principal replied, but his face no longer held the same judgmental look he had before. He even gave him the benefit of a small smile. “He seems affected because he claims you look like his father, did he mention something to you about that?”

Jack’s eyebrows shot up and he moved back in his seat. He didn’t know whether to be insulted or embarrassed by this.

“Well, it’s kind of how we met in the first place. But I didn’t actually think I did look like the guy. I thought we just had the same name, maybe, but he just kept saying I looked like Jack Frost. Or did he mean both? Come to think of it, it’s very confusing.”

“Jack Frost?”

“From…from the book? He has it with him all the time. That book of weird alternate fairytales.”

“Ah. I see,” Pitchiner said, but it wasn’t apparent whether he did know of it. It looked like he didn’t know much about it. “Again, I must apologize. Abandonment was hard on him.”

“You don’t mean to say his old man actually does look like those pictures of Jack Frost?

“I wouldn’t know. I never met him.”

The bell rang. Lunch period was over. Pitchiner took out a small pad of paper to write a quick excuse note.

“Hang on, he also said something about him ‘just finding out about him’ and that he’s supposed to be in town,” Jack added, “How could he know that?”

Pitchiner looks serious.

“He…must’ve heard a rumor. I’m going to have to look into it. My agreements with the orphanage is to never have them meet.”

He handed Jack the note.

“But, ah, thank you for letting me know.”

Jack lingered by the door. “I'm…really sorry, Mr. Pitchiner. For Jamie. He seems like a really good kid.”

“No. I should be the one saying sorry here. I shouldn’t have been so rude the other day. You couldn’t have known. I just…I thought everyone in this small town knew.”

“I’d be the last to know.”

“Yes. Well. If he ever comes to you about it again—“

“I won’t encourage it.”

And…I hope I never see the guy, Jack thought. He knew what it was like to feel like to feel like a part of your past is lost.

“Get back to class.”

***

 Hugo and Jack met in the hallway that afternoon.

“Surprised to find you’re still here,” Hugo greeted from his locker.

“Aster gave me detention.” Jack did a salute in the direction of the retreating figure of his History teacher. Few other kids exited detention with him.

“Here’s Jamie’s book, by the way. I don’t know where he lives.”

“Me neither, he just keeps popping up like the Easter Bunny wherever I look.”

“Easter Bunny?”

“Long story.”

“You’re referencing the book, I see.” Hugo fell into step with him and they made their way down the hall. “Speaking of long stories, I kind of get what he meant about the Jack Frost bit. He does kind of look like you.”

“You actually read the whole thing?”

“Don’t sound so surprised, it can be done.” Hugo grabbed the book from beneath Jack’s arm and skimmed quickly through the pages, slapping his hand on a particular illustration once he found it.

“White hair. Now I’m beginning to think dying my hair that color won’t be such a bad idea. Go Gerard Way in Black Parade?”

“The personality’s totally you too. All Mr. Fun times and no work and schedules.”

“You know your sarcasm really packs a punch.”

The illustration Hugo paused at happened to be a fairytale wedding scene and his gaze drifted from Jack Frost to the bride.

“Hey, who’s this?”

“It’s the Snow Queen. She marries Jack Frost. In this version of the fairytale, I mean. Coincidentally, they have a child named Jamie.”

“Hm.”

They were standing at the top of the staircase. Hugo looked sorry for the discovery.

“Maybe he is just looking for his real folks.”

Jack shrugged then nodded, patting Hugo at the back before heading down the stairs before him.

“It’s funny that he’d find out my name was Jack,” he called back, thoughtfully. “Didn’t think I was known.”

“It’s a small town. You may feel you’re invisible but people do know you.”

He waited for Hugo at the foot of the stairs. The other boy, one he was also beginning to think was a genuine friend, held up the book to him once again. Jack took it with a big grin on his face.

“I get what that’s like, but there are good days,” Hugo said.

Jack thought about Eva and the fact that she hinted noticing him and he didn’t even know it.

“Hey, Hugo, do you think there’s a possibility that my memories might still come back?” he said as Hugo walked on ahead to the double doors, boots making squeaky noises on unpolished floor.

“It’s not uncommon. So, yeah, of course.”

“What if…now I’m just throwing ideas out there.” Jack caught up to him by the door and they both pushed. “Jamie turns out to be an actual relative? Maybe I do look like his dad and that’s why he thought he was me.”

“I don’t know. The town would have to be smaller than I thought for that to happen.”

“Yeah, then again it couldn’t be. I was told the only family I had was the one I lost.”

Hugo patted his back.

 ***

 In a beautiful room filled with flowery paintings on the walls, a young girl was humming. She had short brown hair that seemed to have been cropped in a hasty decision. As she hummed she admired a particular lovely—and real—yellow flower sitting on a table by her window. The plant was lucky to her, for some reason, and she considered it her muse. She was opened up the window and carefully tossed her backpack onto the bushes, as quietly as she could make it.

“…and I’ll keep wondering. Wondering. Wondering. When will my life begin?” she sang softly, glancing at her closed bedroom door. The coast was clear.

“Rhiannon? I hope you did your homework!”

“I’m homeschooled, mother. It’s not like have anything else better to do,” she mumbled.

“What was that?”

“I mean, I’m currently doing it now! Please don’t disturb me! Thank you! Love you!”

She placed one leg out on the window ledge. “And not like I’d have a life if I stayed inside all the time.”

She snuck out and when she did the flower glowed brightly and then dimmed.

(END OF EPISODE)

Note: The next chapters will most likely be uploaded in excerpts here on Tumblr but linking to the AO3 fic! Please consider subscribing or leaving a comment! EDIT: I decided I will still continue to upload each episode in parts here. Since it honestly hasn’t been working very well for this fic in Wattpad, but it has readers here.

Episode 1

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Part 4

Episode 2

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Part 3

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Thanks for reading!

[awhitehead17]

Hello! I love your fan fiction, you write really well! Sorry for my bad English, i'm italian...XD I would have a TimKon Prompt for you: AU - No capes; Conner has just moved to Gotham, at the same high school as Tim and at the beginning the two hate each other. But when he finds Tim hurt by a group of bullies in their class, Conner decides to help him defend himself. The Bat-family supports Tim, helping the kid to clarify his feelings for Conner. ♥

Hi and thank you so much! It’s always fantastic to hear that peopleenjoy my writing, it means so much to me.

Sorry it took me a little while to answer this, but the prompt’s awesomeand great timing too, because I’ve been wanting to write another high schoolstory for a little while now. This story took a turn all in it’s own but it wasfun to write, I hope you like it!

Of course the one guy who gets his attention turns out to bean asshole. He’s only been at the school for four days and he has alreadydeveloped a crush on someone and that someone happens to be the son of thefamous billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne.

Even though its only been four days Kon already knows thatTim is an asshole. He’s seen it by the way Tim acts in class and the way heacts during lunch breaks. The guy pushes everyone who tries to get close away,he’s stuck up and clearly thinks he’s better than everyone else just because hehas money. Kon’s fairly sure he hasn’t seen Tim interact with more than fiveother people in school in a way that wasn’t mean.

How Kon has fallen for him he has no idea, it probablydoesn’t help that Tim is hot. Piercing blue eyes, medium length black hair, alean figure (though Kon has seen him once at the school’s gym and knows thathe’s packing some serious muscle and strength even though it doesn’t show).Maybe it’s because Tim Drake-Wayne is appearing to be a mystery person that Konhasn’t come across before and its made him intrigued.

Damn him and his mysterious ways.

It was on his fifth day at his new school that somethingactually exciting happened. Well not exciting but something interesting. Halfway through the day he was in biology and asked to go to the toilet, thankfullythe teacher let him go and Kon headed out to look for the closet toilets. He wasstill new and was yet to remember the school’s layout.

He was walking down the empty hallway when a group of guysenter from the side. They were being loud and all of them were laughing. Konrecognises them all from the football team. While they all look like a good groupof guys, Kon’s heard rumours about them being bullies and general dick heads.He has yet to see them bully anyone, but the rumours are just enough to makehim want to stay away from them. He doesn’t like bullies.

As they cross the paths the one at the front spots him andpoints at him, “Kent, you better be trying out for the team next week. The wayyou played the other day was fantastic.” He praises Kon.

Kon appreciates praise but he gets he distracted by seeingblood on the hand that was pointed at him. “Yeah, maybe.” He says.

“You better.” The guy laughs and then he and his friendscontinue down the hallway.

Kon walks down the hallway and turns to the side, where thefootballers had just come from, and follows it through to the end where thetoilets were at. He gets to the door but pauses after seeing something smearedon it. He bends down and gets a closer look to find that it’s blood, and thatit was still wet.

Frowning he enters the toilets and finds a sight he neverexpected to see. Leaning over a sink was Tim Drake-Wayne. From where he stoodKon could see the blood dripping down the side of his head and down his neck. Whenhe looks in the mirror he sees Tim looking down and holding a hand to his nosewhile blood seeps through his fingers and into the white bowl below him.

Kon stands there for a minute before he realises that he’sstaring. Making himself move he goes over to the toilets and does his business.At the same time he feels something inside him pulling at the fact TimDrake-Wayne was bleeding in the school toilets and how he should somehow helphim.

As Conner was zipping up his jeans he made the connectionthat any idiot would be able to. Blood on footballer’s hand, blood on the doorand blood running down Tim’s face. Tim had gotten beaten up.

He takes it back, he’s now seen them bully someone, butwhether this was a one-time thing or a regular thing he’s not sure.

Kon leaves the toilet to find Tim still at the sink exceptthis time he’s continuously wiping his nose with a now red tissue. He walks upnext to him and starts to wash his hands, he glances at Tim through the mirror,“Why did they do it?”

“Why does it matter?” Came the sharp reply.

“Just curious.”

“Well take your curiosity elsewhere.”

“I was just asking okay. No need to be so hostile.”

Tim turns and glares at him, “AndI’m telling you to get out of my business, so fuck off.”

Kon turns the water off and faceshim, “Look there must have been a reason to why they punched you, I was justasking that’s all.”

“I get that you’re new here butlearn that people in this school are assholes and they don’t need a reason todo anything.”

“Like how you’re one?” Conner shoots at him. He watches withamusement as Tim blinks, taking in what he had said.

Tim moves away from the sink over to the toilets to grabmore tissue before coming back to the sink, “It doesn’t matter why they didit.” He says quietly, this time with no anger to his words, “Nothing will getthem to stop.”

“I could teach you how to fight, if you want.” The offercomes out of nowhere, so it shocks Kon just as much as it apparently shocksTim.

“I know self-defence.” Tim tells him sharply, like Connerhad insulted him.

“Okay, but do you know how to fight?”

“I have brothers.” Tim tells him.

Conner lets out a frustrated noise, he isn’t getting anywhere here. It’s clear that Tim isn’t interested so he decides to give up withhim. He tried, so no one can say that he didn’t do anything. Conner starts towalk towards the door, “Well if you change your mind let me know.”

With that Kon leaves Tim to his bloody tissues and exits thetoilets. He heads back to his class while repeating their conversation in hishead. Once he’s sat down again he shakes his thoughts away and tries to focuson what the teacher was babbling on about.

Tim hikes his bag up on his shoulder and exits the school.Another week over, another step closer to finally finishing this hell hole. Hesighs as he looks around for his eldest brother, this was something he wasn’tlooking forward too. His brother will see the bruises on his face, question it,then get protective and try to get him some help.

Too soon for his liking, there was a hand frantically wavingat him. Sighing, Tim makes his way over and sees his brother’s smile drop offhis face and as it’s replaced with a frown, “Timmy what happened?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

Tim doesn’t stop the hand that reaches out to him and gentlygrabs his face. He lets Dick do his examination before he slaps the hand away.“Can we go?”

Dick looks like he wants to ask more questions but wiselykeeps silent. Tim sees him look over his shoulder and then he cocks an eyebrow,“Who’s that?”

Tim turns to look in the direction Dick was looking at. Hesees the new kid, Conner he believes he’s called, standing by a truck lookingat them. Seeming to have realised that he’s gotten caught, he quickly advertshis eyes and climbs in the truck.

Tim turns back to face Dick, “He’s new.” Tim tells himreaching for the door handle of the car, “Just joined this week.”

“Oh yeah?” Dick says as he walks to the other side of thecar and climbs in, “He seemed to be checking you out.”

Tim snorts, “As if.”

Dick grins, “I dunno baby bird, it seemed pretty obvious.”

Tim decides to not say anything but that seems to encouragehis brother, “Oh! You like him!”

Tim snaps his head to look at him and glares, “No I don’t.”

“Yes you do!”

“No. I don’t.”

“Oh you do! Wait until Jay hears about this, he’s going tolove it.”

Tim gives up. If he opens his mouth again he’ll only beadding fuel to the fire.

Finally Dick starts up the car, “It’s okay to have a crushTim. There’s no need to be embarrassed about it.”

“When they see you beaten up and bleeding in the toilets,there’s plenty to be embarrassed about.” He snaps, glaring out of the window.

Dick seems to take this in consideration, “Okay, what didyou say to him?”

“I told him to stay out of my business.” Tim tells him, hethen quickly adds on, “And then he offered me to teach me how to fight and Ideclined.”

Dick face palms, “Why did you do that? That was a perfectopportunity to be with him and get to know him.”

“I panicked!”

“Have mine and Jason’s lessons been going over your head orsomething Tim? Just let him know that you’ve reconsidered and want to do it.Invite him over to the Manor, do whatever you’re going to do and then bam, it’sall sorted!”

Tim rubs a hand across his forehead, “No Dick, it’s notsorted. Things like that just don’t work out.”

“Why not? What have you got to lose?”

“He already thinks I’m an asshole.”

“So show him you’re not.”

Having had enough of the conversation Tim shakes his headand looks out the window. 

Later that night Tim brings up Conner’s Facebook account and starts tostalk through it. He wanted to see what the guy was like. From his Facebook Timgather’s that he seems to be pretty chill, often outside enjoying the sun orwalking his dog. He has lots of friends back in his home town, they had oftentagged him in lots of comical pictures of him.

Deciding, Tim sends him a friends request. He hasn’t got hisnumber to text him so this seemed to be the next best thing. He would speak tohim in school on Monday but that was two days away and he kind of wants to speakto him now.

His brothers had manipulated him into saying yes to Conner’soffer on the fighting lessons. They told him if he doesn’t ask Conner himself thenthey’ll do it and Tim doesn’t want that.

Half an hour later Tim gets a notification saying that Connerhas accepted his friends request. A minute after that he gets a message throughfrom him, “Have you added me becauseyou’ve reconsidered on taking my offer or because you want to have a go at meagain?”

Tim frowns at the message and replies back, “I didn’t have a go at you, I just told yousharply that it wasn’t anything to do with you. If the offer is still availablethen yes, I have reconsidered.”

“Yeah, the offer isstill there, that’s good to hear I guess. When do you want to do it?”

“How about Wednesdayafter school if that’s good for you. You can come back to my place.”

“Sounds good. See youthen I guess.”

“See ya.”

Tim sits back and looks at their conversation, well that waseasier than expected. Maybe Dick was right about it being simple after all.Though he can’t help but wonder what Conner is thinking right now, maybe he’sfreaking out over it, maybe he’s laughing at Tim and how pathetic he is,perhaps he’s just as confused about the situation as he is.

With that sorted Tim goes ahead and does his nightly routineand prepares for bed. Tomorrow he’s at his adoptive father’s company, so heneeds to not be over tired to deal with that.

Before he knows it, it’s Wednesday and he’s waiting forConner outside of school. They haven’t spoken since Friday night over Facebookso Tim has no idea if this thing is still even on, he hopes it is and he hopesthat it wasn’t all just a set up. As nervous as he is for it, he’s lookingforward to it.

A few minutes Conner comes up to him, “Hey, sorry, I got heldback in class. The teacher was being a dick.”

“Who did you have?” Tim asks, he knows all the teachers andknows that about 90% of them can be dicks.

“Mr. Public.”

Tim makes a face, “Yeah he’s an asshole alright.”

“Yeah…”

They fall into an awkward silence for a minute before Connerclears his throat, “Um, shall we? I, uh, have my truck so I can drive us there or are you getting picked up?”

Tim shakes his head, no I’m not getting picked up. Inormally walk on Wednesdays anyway, so if you’re happy driving then we can go.”

“Okay then let’s go.”

Conner leads the way to his truck and Tim follows. They stayin silence for the whole ride, the only words shared between them is Tim givingConner directions on how to get to his home. They get there and make their wayinside. Tim is fully aware of Conner gaping at everything around them. Comingto Wayne Manor can be overwhelming for the first time, Tim remembers his firsttime arriving at the mansion. The shock and awe that falls over you at seeingeverything so grand can be overwhelming, just the size alone is enough to getpeople looking like gold fish let alone the interior décor.

Tim leads them through the halls and down to the Manor’sgym. It was a wide room full of a variety of equipment, ranging from cardio toweights and then in the centre there are floor mats. Tim turns to find Connergaping at the room, “Holy shit dude. I knew you were rich, but this is, this isreally, fucking hell…”

Tim lets Conner marvel at the room for another minute or so.It was entertaining watching how people react to his home, especially the oneswho go all speechless and gape at everything. After a moment of silence heclaps his hands, “So shall we?”

That seems to bring Conner back to himself, “We shall…”

They spent the rest of the afternoon in the gym. Conner wentthrough teaching Tim the basics of street fighting and how to executecertain moves. When Tim had questioned him on how he knows how to fight theother teen had shrugged and said, “I was involved in several fights at my old school,also I looked them up on YouTube.” Tim had left it at that, there’s no need topry into his life.

By the end of their session a few hours later Tim wassporting new bruises over his body and his crush on this guy had increaseddrastically. He walks Conner back to the front door, after making the samearrangements for the following week Tim waves him off. Once his truck hasdisappeared from sight Tim closes the door and leans against it with hisforehead against the cool glass.

In a rhythm Tim starts to smack his head against it. Whatthe hell is going on? He has a crush on a guy he doesn’t even know. Said guy isteaching him how to fight so he can fight off some stupid school bullies whodon’t really bully him they only occasionally beat him up like once or twice amonth.

Tim groans as his head hits the door again, when had thisbecome his life?

When his head hits something other than the solid glass ofthe door he looks up confused and finds Dick staring at him with a raisedeyebrow, “You okay there Timbo?”

Tim turns and faces him. He slaps his hands down on hisbrothers shoulders sags into him while exclaiming, “Help me, I’m feeling!”

Dick simply laughs and grabs Tim by the arms to keep him onhis feet, “Alright kid, you’re okay. Feelings are normal.”

“I don’t want them!”

“Well tough because you got them.”

Tim makes a whimpering sound and lets Dick carry him throughthe Manor to wherever the man is deciding to take them. Crushes suck.

It became a regular thing between the two of them. Everydayon Wednesday after school Conner would go to the Manor and teach Tim how tofight and every time they meet Tim’s crush grows on him as he gets to know himmore.

Tim has made a lot of progress since Conner had started toteach him how to fight properly, so at least his lessons weren’t being wasted andhe often goes on YouTube to try and improve on the days that Conner isn’t withhim. He has yet to use his new skills on the people they’re originally intendedfor, but he knows he’ll be ready for when he needs them.

It was their third week of meeting up and Tim is waiting forConner outside the school. Like normal on Wednesdays, Conner has Mr. Publiclast period so he’s always a little later, however this time Tim spots himcoming out a piece of paper in clutched in his hands and his head is dippedlow. Tim walks up to him, “Hey you okay?”

Conner looks up at him, “What? Yeah I’m fine.” He thenplasters a fake smile on that pretty face of his.

Tim rolls his eyes, “There’s something wrong because youlook like you have a rain cloud over your head.”

Conner sighs, “I, um, I failed my test.” He admits andshakes the paper in his hand, “which sucks because I actually studied for itand I still get bad results.”

Tim looks at him for a moment and decides on something, “Ifyou like, I could tutor you?”

“You would do that?”

“Yeah sure, think of it as pay back for teaching me how tofight?” Tim smiles at him, while inside his head it’s like a bomb had gone off. What the hell was he doing? This is justsetting himself up for a disaster! Abort! Abort!

Conner gives him a small smile which makes his heartflutter, “Yeah okay. If you don’t mind. What day?”

“How about Fridays? Wednesday’s, we carry on fighting andFridays we can study.” Tim suggests.

“Yeah okay, sounds good.”

“Awesome let’s go.”

So that became their routine for the next couple of weeksand yet again every time they meet Tim’s crush grows more and more and it’s atthe point where it’s killing him. His brothers tease him about it on a regularbasis and often try to ‘help’ him get hooked up, they unhelpfully leave him newpackets of condoms and lube around his room and even in his school bag. What makesthis crush even worse he doesn’t even know if Conner likes guys, knowing Tim’sluck he’s straight as an arrow.

It was their fifth week of meeting up that Conner’s lessonscome into use. It was Tuesday and school had just ended and Tim was outsidewaiting for Alfred to pick him up. He silently watched as students mil about aroundhim, talking excitedly in their friendship groups, some waiting to be picked upand others already walking away.

Tim was minding his own business as he stood waiting forAlfred, books in one hand, his bag over one shoulder and listening to somelight music through his earphones. Then out of no where he lurched forward as something collided against his back.Tim stumbles a few paces before he gains his balance, he spins around to find someof the footballers standing there sinisterly smiling at him and Tim knew whatwas coming. Was it that time of the monthalready?

“You know what Drake, I’ve had a pretty bad day today. Youknow what’ll make me feel better?” Peter asks him.

Tim looks at him, completely bored of the situation, “I don’tknow Peter, perhaps a facial lift maybe?” He quips unable to help himself.

The first punch he didn’t see coming. The strike collides withhis right cheek and knocks him down onto the floor. He’s aware of laughinghappening around him as he tries to comprehend on what just happened. At thesame time he hears a voice break through the laughter, “Tim!”

Conner. Tim starts to pick himself up off the floor when twohands are suddenly on him helping him up. He looks up to find the other teen looking athim with worry, “You okay?”

Tim brushes Conner off him, “Fine.”

“Got the new dog as your bitch now have we Drake?” Peter comments.

Tim turns around and glares at him, it’s one thing to punchhim and call him names but calling Conner a bitch was not okay.

“Tim?” Conner frowns at him.

Tim ignores him and pushes his books into Conner’s hands anddrops his bag by his feet, “Hold these for me.”

With that Tim launches himself at Peter and proceeds topunch him in the face twice and then knee him in the stomach. When Tim stepsaway Peter smirks at him, “Oh, the dogs learnt how to bite.”

Tim snarls at him and launches his own attack again but thistime the other was ready for them and dodges them, he then starts to throw outhis own punches which Tim is able to dodge.

Normally Tim would let them beat him until they were satisfiedso they would then leave him alone, but this time he’s fighting back. With Conner’straining and his pent-up anger, he throws punches and kicks at the bully  and is able to beat him onto the floor. Seeing that he isn’tgetting back up Tim steps away and wipes the blood off his lips with hissleeve, “From now on you aren’t going to touch me anymore. I’ve had it with you’reconstant bullying. Next time I’ll beat you until your unconscious.”

Breathing heavily he turns away from the teen on the floorand the gaping mouths of his friends to face Conner who is also gaping at him. Ignoringat how badly he is shaking Tim smiles at him, “Looks like your lessons cameinto use after all.”

“Apparently.” Conner supplies still looking at him withshock.

Tim watches him for a moment and a sudden wave of boldnessrolls over him, he leans up and places a kiss to Conner’s slightly open mouth. Ashe goes to pull away he feels a hand capture the back of his head and force himback towards Conner’s mouth. Their lips meet again and this time Conner iskissing him back.

Tim can’t help but moan at the warmth of Conner’s mouth. He figuresthat it can’t be that great of a first kiss because he can taste blood in hisown mouth and no doubt that Conner can taste it too. Soon enough they breakapart and look at each other, “You are so hot.” Conner comments with a grin.

The smile is contagious and Tim grins back, “Not so badyourself.” He looks back to find all the footballers staring at them turningback to Conner he says, “Come on, lets go. Alfred is picking me up and you’recoming along.”

Conner lets Tim drag him away to where Alfred was nowwaiting. Tim smiles, getting beat up that day weeks ago wasn’t such a bad thingafter all.

[smartchicken]

Hi I show up every time you post which is haha, so funny, but I just wanna know if you've figured out that I'm a desperate bitch yet and if not, I'm a desperate bitch and I like your stuff. You're cool (also what're your thoughts on a road trip AU featuring young!Tony with a lot of trauma under his belt alongside honourably discharged Bucky who's forgotten how to live but they meet in the middle and it becomes a little easier to breathe)

-chokes-Oh manFirst off, i really would like to encourage people to just randomly describe themselves in my inbox.SECOND this is the first time I've replied to an ask with the mobile app and i don't understand why it's not automatically double spaced, it's really fucking with me, but I'm about as likely to do something about it as i am to tell my phone to auto-capitalize "i". I just Don't CareTHIRDLYROADTRIPokay first off I've had a very few good roadtrips and only one was "Long" (~18 hours) BUT i have great stories from those and now i am picturing not only a young Tony maybe on the run or just trying not to be home, and poor Bucky who got an honorable discharge but got fucked over because that's the American way, but all the avengers because the best roadtrip is when there's two cars and by about halfway through you're straight up enemiesSo like, car 1: Rhodey, Nat, Pepper, Bucky, and Tony. Car 2: Steve, Clint, Phil, and Sam. Because those are who i currently feel like giving a fuck about. Car 1 starts with a disadvantage because 5 people in one car always sucks but like, ride or die bitchesSo I'm sort of imagining this as BlackPepper combining their friendgroups in a fucking into the fire way like sink or swim love each other or else. Because it's that or awkward lunches for six months and they clearly don't have the time for that. I assume there is plotting going on because we all know it plotting redheads, but they probably lost control of the situation at one point because roadtripLike I'm imagining a college au so get in that mindset. I feel like Pepper immediately put her foot down about Tony, who's the only teenager there even though he acts like an old man. Pepper is just like okay Tony HAS to be with me or Rhodey at all times or I'll fuck everyone up Nat i stg i will kill your friends to death if they look strongly at my precious baby and Nat looks a this stubborn little asshole who is at once fearless and terrified and she's like, fair enoughBut Bucky, right? I know I'm a Tony fangirl but I'm not forgetting about Bucky. Cause Bucky went into the army at 18 and he came back three years later a different person. Steve didn't go with because a) he's a twiggy artist and b) Sarah would have murdered him after she destroyed the entire us military tbh. Bucky's a freshman, the only one in the group even though he's older than most of them. He's been back for like 6 months now and probably shouldn't even be dealing with college life but he's Bucky and lbr he's not gonna cut himself any slack. But by golly his friends love him and will absolutely fight everyone for him, even himself. So while Pepper's like "protect my son" Nat is like okay let's try to make sure Bucky's with Steve because they're kinda codependent but we're letting that happen for now because we have bigger fish to fry, but on the dl because currently Bucky won't admit to any issues under penalty of death.So day of the roadtrip. I dunno where they're going probably tourist shit they're just like get in the car we'll head for such and such and go from there. My only frame of reference here is Florida so I'm picturing them having to drive at least five hours before they have any reason to stop.Oh! Yes so first stop is gonna be a spring or river or some sort of water shitSoGetting ready to go is Hell they have to fit enough shit for nine people into two regular sized trunks. So they've gotta clean literally everything but the spare tire outta those("Fuck it, leave the tire," Clint suggests. He's packed all of a backpack and, incomprehensibly, his bow with three arrows and he's absolutely going to reek in about two days and probably didn't bring any shampoo or a toothbrush. It's probably like, a t-shirt, some boxers, and swim trunks. He'll wear the same shorts for a month he doesn't care. "If we get stuck on the side of tree road, I'll feed you to buzzards for sport," Pepper says pleasantly. She knows him a little better than most of Nat's friends because her and Clint half live together. They get along fine but Pepper progressed to threats much quicker than Clint is comfortable with. He thought about telling her it was hot but decided he liked his balls intact. "Just shove over the duffle," Bucky said. Tony's being quiet but he's got a toolkit packed in case anything goes wrong; there'll be no stuck-on-the-roadside on his watch. )So they get the trunks sorted and there's a couple bags in the backseats but it's good enough. Then Phil shows up (when did he leave???) and stuffs some blankets and pillows into both cars. "My family likes roadtrips," he says. His eyes are dead. Phil is not including himself in his family here. Phil tried to beg off but Pepper couldn't get Happy and Nat couldn't get Scott etc etc for various missing people and Phil agrees to come because, ultimately, these socially-challenged morons need a voice of reason and that's not Pepper or Nat OR Sam, no matter what they think(The truth is they're all reckless idiots and Phil's no exception but combined they can keep each other safe-ish or at least get in trouble together)((Tony didn't want to come either but more because he doesn't want to get underfoot. But Rhodey and Pepper made the mistake of trusting his "I'm fine" and leaving him alone for a few weeks at school exactly once. Pepper had hugged him and said "Pretty please?" and Tony's no good at turning down requests, especially from his few, beloved friends))(((Nat took a different approach with Bucky, who didn't want to come either. "If you don't come Steve won't come and then you'll have to say at Steve and Sam's wedding that it was delayed all because you skipped out on the best roadtrip ever.""It is going to be awful," Bucky said. Nat gave a particularly Russian shrug. Bucky sighed and gave in. He didn't exactly wanna spend a week in the dorms alone anyway.)))And then they really just wanna get going what the fuck guys it's already evening should we just wait til morning no fucking way shut your mouth we're going n o wPepper and Nat manage to be together, and they manage to pay Tony and Bucky special attention, as intended. But uh. Oops?It's Rhodey driving with Pepperi the passenger seat, mostly out of habit; they've done short road trips a lot at this point and it's always Rhodey driving to start, Pepper up front so Tony can nap in the backBut uhTony's in the middle in the back, with a pillow and a tablet in his lap. He's putting on a good show of being Totally Fine, but he's clearly tense. Bucky's smooshed against the door as much ash can, broadcasting discomfort like a cat in the rain. Nat leans against the door too, trying to be considerate, but Pepper starts texting her urgently( TOUCH HIM!!!!!hes so tense wtfNat I love you trust me and touch him a littleAnd Nat shifts over just a bit, so her legs are against Tony's, and for a second he freezes, and then he finally loses some of that tensionTOUCH STARVED?????? Nat texts Pepper, alarmed for this kid.His dad sucks, is Pepper's take, and Nat scowls and gets comfortable, pointedly touching Tony without pushing into his space.)MEANWHILE Phil is the odd man out but he's driving so it kinda works. Clint's in the passenger seat because Clint is a no good dirty cheater, and also has very stern, specific instructions from Nat. Steve and Sam are the most comfortable of the entire group, and within an hour they've got their feet a little tangled, not cuddling but not-not cuddling, and Steve's dosing a little cause he took a motion sickness thing and it always makes him a little sleepy"So Pepper seems terrifying," Clint says to Phil as an opener. They probably should've hung out at least a little before this because Pepper and Nat are the only things he can think of to talk about (and maybe it's not helping that Phil is weirdly hot and serious and he's seen him smile a couple times and he's trying to figure out how to see it up close but it turns out it's not hard cause right away Phil grins and chuckles a little and Clint thinks he's maybe having a heart attack)"So does Natasha. Or is it just Nat?""Sometimes it's Natalia," Clint says automatically, which isn't very helpful. "Uh. What are you studying?" Which is stupid and cliche but Phil manages to turn it into an actual conversation and in the backseat Sam's texting the whole thing to Bucky, who keeps sending back strings of emojis that aren't always sensible but like, Sam totally gets it. And then Sam gets a text of the top of a head of messy dark brown curls and a string of panicking emojis. There's a suspicious blushing emoji in there though and Sam snickers to himself. Steve wakes up with a little "hm?" which is too cute for words so Sam just passes him the phoneTony started off working on his tablet but he hasn't slept in...a while and he's been stressing about this but now he's in Rhodey's familiar car and Pepper's got classic rock going kinda quiet and Nat snuck her toes under his leg and he fights it for a while, but eventually he slumps over, and he doesn't even notice himself sliding towards the warmth that smells like machine oil and leather. Tony looks small and sweet and quiet and Bucky likes to watch him sometimes, when he can, even though he feels like a creep. It's just that Tony seems so alive in a way that Bucky can't really capture. Like he's so tired but so full of life and fire and maybe that's optimism he's not sure but he thinks it might be. Everyone always seems tired on campus, or young and stupid, or just so unrelatable. And it's not that he can relate to Tony so much as he wishes he could. Like watching the moon in the surface of a lake and being afraid of the ripples. Bucky slowly relaxes, lulled into it by Tony's quiet breathing, and Nat gives him a very obvious thumbs up, with a certain look in her eyes, and he catches Rhodey's eye in the rearview mirror, so he slides down a little, slowand quiet, tucks an arm around Tony and lets himself relax, puts down three phone and stares out the windowThey stop at an all-night walmart when Clint suddenly realizes they don't have SUPPLIESWATER SUPPLIES!!!Bucky and Tony go in, with Clint and Phil, to get Supplies, while everyone else stretches their legs or texts demands for snacks.They grab a bunch of stuff, everything that looks even mildly amusing, Tony sleep-fuzzy and relaxed from it, and in line him and Clint attack each other with pool noodles, earning a few glares from other shoppers, but they're laughing too!much to care. There's not really room in the cars for everything but they make it work and they're all wide awake then, everyone chattering for the last two hours before they realize they should've arrived by now and then Rhodey stops (he was the one leading) and there's dogs barking and they're in a trailer park andPhil calls him just to ask, "What the fuck Rhodes."They all get out their phones and they're yelling directions at Rhodey and they're lucky he loves them because seriously they deserve death at this point. They pull up to the park at 5am when they should've been there at, oh, 1 or so no one's sure how they got so turned around but they made it yaaayAnd then "Fuck," Pepper says. "Tents."And that's where I'm leaving this for now cause I'm tired of typing on mobile but tbh i wanna write a college roadtrip now. I'm just imagining a lot of cuddles at this point everyone gets maximum hugs plz. Also i can't tag this??? So thanks mobile

[manametchi]

Nighttime psychiatry with myself again.

Almost 3am and here I am crying over my upbringing. I know why I am the way I am. Why I thrive when I'm alone but also hate being alone for too long. I know why I've done things the way I have.

To put it simply, I was never truly listened to by most people in my life. There are some now that have, sure, but boy I wish I had them back then when I needed them most.

My dad, while a very good hearted man, mostly did his own thing. He loves me very much and has definitely treated me to yu-gi-oh card packs once every couple weeks during his physical therapy, but as far as emotional support or someone to have a solid, serious talk to, nah. I know and understand that he was always dealing with his own life and choices, but growing up, I really wish I could have depended on him more than just for the occasional fun treat.

Recently I came to realization that if it wasn't for his previous girlfriend, before he moved, I would have likely received less care. She was the reason I got new glasses that one time I desperately needed them. She pulled his teeth to convince him to get them for me. I only realized this because I remembered her son was with me getting his the same day I got mine. We didn't live together. She also made sure I ate. She was a lunch lady and would bring home extra food that was left over. She always made sure I could get in her house and help myself or take some home. We never talked about much because I was younger. Around 15 is when I met her and practically grew up nearly alone most of the time in that house.

Little by little we had less and less furniture. It honestly looked abandoned most times. He was rarely home. I would occasionally sell some of my things to have a "good dinner" which was usually taco bell. He just seemed totally checked out as far as parenting went. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad but damn dude... the older I get the less funny the joke we made about me being the parent to him is. He would buy and work on mini bikes all the time; keep some, work on and sell others and with that money buy more. He spent his time and money on that and his girlfriend and her son. I wasn't without. Christmas and birthdays I would get a few games sure, until it got so bad a couple years he got me pez and a hello kitty clock, but you know I appreciated them just as much.

I knew he had his own life, but I won't lie, I was a little bitter at times. Like, fuck dude.. it just... I don't know. It's painful sometimes to remember and fuck, if my mind doesn't LOVE to crack open that box of pain when I wish I could sleep. But it's tough because I love the heck out of my dad.

And my mom? Well, she barely was there when she was physically right next to me. I felt like a bi-product that she had to cart around in the shopping basket. She had her own thing going on and I was just a thing that was there until they divorced. Then she barely made an effort to see me. She never seemed to care to want to know me and when she "did" I was never good enough. I wasn't her picture perfect, hand crafted model daughter. Living with my dad, I had the freedom to think for myself and be me, but I know 100% that if I lived with my mom I would never have been able to have my own life until I was a bitter, empty, middle aged woman who by then would have felt wasted.

I wanted to love her. I wanted to have a mom. I tried really hard but she never listened or cared about who I am as an individual. She saw me for what I didn't have and looked down on me, promising that I could never be happy.

Here I am, in the happiest days of my life. I am me, I am loved greatly by the most wonderful person in the world to me, I am safe, I am completely free and allowed to be simply me. I'm laying in a warm bed next to said person and here I am writing out my fucking mental troubles. Things that I know and have identified and keep trying to heal from. I just want to sleep soundly at night. I'm tired of being haunted by all the crap in my past. Hell, I didn't even mention the past relationships I've endured. Or the "friends" I've had. I'm writing this for no one but myself and I've let off what I needed to tonight. Gonna try to sleep now and hopefully be okay enough to wake up in 4.5 hours.

[gretagerwigarchive]

Greta Gerwig: 'I'm at peak shock and happiness'

by  Tim Lewis, Sun 4 Feb 2018.

source: https://www.theguardian.com/film/2018/feb/04/greta-gerwig-lady-bird-interview-metoo-oscars

This year’s Oscar nominations were announced a couple of Tuesdays ago in Los Angeles at the frankly antisocial hour of 5.22am. Greta Gerwig, whose very personal, coming-of-age debut film Lady Bird was hotly tipped, lives in New York but happened to be in LA for work. She woke up first at 3.30am: “And I said, ‘No, it’s not time’ and I forced myself to go back to sleep.” When she eventually surfaced just before seven, the nominations were headlines around the world. Gerwig made herself a coffee, had a shower and ever-so-casually checked her phone. There it was: she’d made the cut for best original screenplay. And “achievement in directing”. Oh, and Lady Bird was in the running for best picture, too.              

“I started crying and laughing and screaming,” says the 34-year-old Gerwig, who, until now, has been mainly known as an actor, often in comic roles. “And it sunk in… It’s still sinking in. It doesn’t quite feel real. You’re still getting me at peak shock and happiness.”

The Oscar selections were a personal triumph for Gerwig and for Lady Bird – its stars, Saoirse Ronan and Laurie Metcalf, who play a squabbling daughter and mother, are also nominated – but it was an important moment for female film-makers everywhere. Gerwig, scarcely credibly, is only the fifth woman ever to be shortlisted in the best director category at the Academy Awards in its 90 years. If she wins on 4 March, she will only be the second, after Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker in 2010, to take the honour.

“I remember very well when Sofia Coppola was nominated for best director and won best screenplay [for Lost in Translation in 2004] and what that meant to me,” says Gerwig on the phone from New York last week. “And I remember when Kathryn Bigelow won for best director and how it seemed as if possibilities were expanded because of it. I genuinely hope that what this means to women of all ages – young women, women who are well into their careers – is that they look at this and they think, ‘I want to go make my movie.’ Because a diversity of storytellers is incredibly important and also I want to see their movies. I want to know what they have to say! So I hope that’s what it does.”

These have been a seismic few months for women in the film industry. The allegations against the producer Harvey Weinstein and others, while monstrous in their scope and detail, have led to the most positive kind of backlash: through the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements, and the 50/50 by 2020 initiative, which aims to have male-female parity in the business world in two years. There’s an optimism that Hollywood has changed for ever.

“I think it’s going to shift much more quickly now,” says Gerwig. “When studios are looking to hire now, they’ll ask themselves – as they rightly should – ‘Is there a woman who is qualified for this job?’ That’s tremendously important. And again, if I were running a studio, I would think that it’s just good business. Because I look at the audience response to films made by women about women that have done incredibly well and I’d say, ‘Well, that’s a reason right off the bat.’”

As for whether there are any plans for a co-ordinated style protest at this year’s Oscars, in line with the black gowns at the Golden Globes or white roses at the Grammys, both orchestrated by the Time’s Up organisers, Gerwig is unsure. “I am not aware of a dress code,” she says. But if there is, she’s in: “I’m in awe of the people who are collectively working on this.”

Gerwig insists she hasn’t dared yet think about how it would feel to win an Oscar. But if the Golden Globes, where Lady Bird took the prize for best film (comedy/musical), is anything to go by, she might well struggle to hold it together. “I had an entire speech prepared but once I got up there, none of it came out,” she says with a laugh. “I was looking down and I saw Oprah and Steven Spielberg and I just went into a state of sublime happiness. I think I just said ‘thank you’ a lot. So my guess would be, I’ll prepare and probably I’ll not say any of it – if it should happen. Because that’s just how those moments seem to go for me.”

When I first talk to Gerwig, on an otherwise regulation Friday during the London film festival, there is a surreal, even comic, imbalance in London’s Soho hotel. Movie stars, it appears, outnumber the rest of us. Bill Nighy stands at a urinal in the men’s room, director Alexander Payne sweeps through the lobby. In the lift up to the suite where Gerwig is doing interviews, who else? The great Christoph Waltz.

“Christoph Waltz is here?” she shrieks. The pair became friends when they were on the jury for the Berlin film festival and catch up every so often for dinner in New York. “He’s one of my favourite people; he makes fun of me the entire time,” says Gerwig. “On the jury, there was this one time where we had a meeting with Angela Merkel. So I wore something that felt appropriate for a daytime lunch with a head of state. And I showed up and Christoph looked at me and said – she slips into a strident Mitteleuropean accent – ‘Greta, are you applying for an internship with Angela?’” Gerwig cracks up. “‘Did you bring your resumé?’ I looked such a nerd.”

Payne she knows less well, but is an ardent fan. At the Telluride festival last September, there was a photocall for the film-makers in attendance and Gerwig collected a giant bruise on her leg trying to hurdle a bench to tell Payne how much she liked his latest movie, Downsizing. “I thought, ‘I must tell him it’s a masterpiece,’” she explains. “So as I’m jumping over the bench, it clipped my shin and I went sprawling. Everyone turned to look and I looked up at him and I said, ‘It was a masterpiece!’ And he said, ‘You could have just walked over.’”

Right now, there are plenty of people – rightly and properly, albeit metaphorically – tripping over furniture to tell Gerwig that she’s made her own masterpiece. Lady Bird is a beautiful, affectionate rumination on the mother-daughter dynamic that could well be this year’s Moonlight: an underdog that charms and surprises, and overshadows everything else.

It is not immediately clear how to square these achievements with Gerwig’s tendency towards self-deprecation. Physically, she mixes elegance with eccentricity. At 5ft 9in, with credulous sea-green eyes, and today wearing a pink, pleated cocktail dress with buckled black-and-white heels, she presents an image of impossible glamour. But she undercuts the effect by slouching a little, laughing unguardedly and demonstrating odd and endearing mannerisms, such as the stiff handshake of a Victorian industrialist packing his son off to boarding school.

“I arrived on a flight this morning at 6am, so this is all pretend,” she explains, smoothing an invisible wrinkle on her frock. “I don’t actually feel like this inside. People came to my room and made me look nice. I know, everyone needs it.”

In Lady Bird and before, Gerwig is drawn to dreamers: young women who believe they are destined for greatness, even when the audience finds plenty of cause to doubt that. The film follows Ronan as 17-year-old Christine McPherson, who’d rather you call her Lady Bird: when asked if it’s her given name, she clarifies: “It’s given to me, by me.” The year is 2002, the place is Sacramento, a mid-size city in California, and both these facts are a cruel disappointment to her: “The only exciting thing about 2002 is that it’s a palindrome,” Lady Bird sighs. She’s in her final year at an all-girls Catholic high school and, after graduating, she wants to move to the east coast to study, “where writers live in the woods”. This is one of many, though perhaps the most irreconcilable, point of contention with her mother, Marion (a heart-wrenching Metcalf).

It has been a common assumption that Lady Bird is Gerwig’s teenage diaries transcribed. She, too, grew up in Sacramento and attended a Catholic school there, before escaping to the other side of the country, to Barnard College in New York, where she studied English and wanted to become a playwright. But, Gerwig notes, not sniffily, that there are plenty of differences, as well. She didn’t dye her hair pink or assume a strange name or even argue that viciously with her mother.

“Even though it isn’t literally autobiographical there’s a core of emotional truth that’s very resonant,” says Gerwig. “Again, it’s not what literally happened, but it does rhyme with the truth. It’s close in a way. And it doesn’t bother me, because it’s the assumption people make and in a way maybe they make that assumption because it feels very real. So it’s not dissimilar to when people think a character is you. Which you could be offended by or you could also think, ‘Well, then I’ve done my job. You’ve believed it. You think that’s me.’

“But I don’t know,” she continues. “I think one thing about doing this for a period of time is that you learn how to live through either misconceptions or correct conceptions and just continue doing the work. Because then you figure, ‘Well, in the end, I’ll just be an old lady one day and then they’ll think, Oh, she’s an old lady.’ And they’ll be right!”

What, then, are some solid, hard facts about Gerwig? She is the eldest child of Gordon and Christine, a loans officer for a credit union and a retired nurse respectively. As a child, she was a diligent student with an obsessive streak: her first passion was dancing; later, she would become skilled in the sport of fencing.

“I loved ballet,” says Gerwig. “I always knew I wasn’t the most naturally gifted of anyone who was doing ballet. I didn’t have quite enough turn out, my feet weren’t quite right, but I did work harder than anyone else. And I think that’s something I have maintained. There’s no substitute for hard work.”

Gerwig acted a little at school but became more serious at college. She saw herself as a theatre person, but when she was rejected from graduate programmes in playwriting, she started working on films with her friends. These no-budget projects became notorious in arty, hipster circles and then beyond, where they were, somewhat derisively, called mumblecore; they were sketched out, but not scripted, and the makers were involved in every aspect of production.

“Those became kind of a makeshift film school for me,” says Gerwig, referring to LOL (2006), Hannah Takes the Stairs (2007) and Nights and Weekends (2008), which she made with Joe Swanberg. “When I went into pre-production for Lady Bird, I’d been working in films in different capacities for 10 years. Especially on the early little ones because it was an all-hands-on-deck situation. If you weren’t doing something on camera, you held the camera.”

These early films, too, led in a roundabout way to Gerwig’s acting breakthrough. Swanberg knew the director Noah Baumbach and he then cast her in his 2010 film Greenberg, opposite Ben Stiller. The film received mixed notices, but Gerwig’s performance caught many eyes. In the New York Times, critic AO Scott described her style as a method without method. “Ms Gerwig,” he wrote, “most likely without intending to be anything of the kind, may well be the definitive screen actress of her generation, a judgment I offer with all sincerity and a measure of ambivalence.”

Greenberg was a life-changing experience personally as well: after it wrapped, Gerwig and Baumbach began dating, for a while on the down-low, these days more openly, though Gerwig tends to refer to him as “Noah Baumbach” or “Baumbach” in our interview, suggesting they keep their work and private lives quite distinct. They soon began collaborating and their first film as a writing team was 2012’s Frances Ha, a warm-hearted, black-and-white comedy about a dancer, Frances (Gerwig), who doesn’t seem wholly cut out for the real world. They followed that with Mistress America in 2015, which has a similar vibe: Gerwig plays Brooke, who has a million creative ideas and a very low strike rate.

Gerwig’s writing, first with Baumbach and now on her own, has a naturalistic tone that is funny without having jokes, heartbreaking without being schmaltzy, highly specific and yet clearly universal. She is so particular about how the dialogue sounds – the “music” of speech – that there is a not a single line of improvisation in Lady Bird, not even an added “like” or “you know”.

“I like language that sounds quotidian but poetic,” says Gerwig – the perfect description. “Something that maybe the character doesn’t even know is as beautiful as it is. That’s something I was working through when I was writing with Noah Baumbach and I just kept moving in that direction. That was always what I liked. That quality of stumbling into beauty and then it’s gone.”

It is a timely moment for Gerwig to emerge as a director and for her debut to have such an assured, idiosyncratic voice. Despite the success of Lady Bird at the Golden Globes in January, Gerwig was a glaring absentee on the best director shortlist. Natalie Portman, presenting the award, made the point succinctly, announcing: “And here are the all-male nominees.” Likewise, the Baftas have a five-man shortlist.

Of course, this is just one facet of the soul searching that the film industry is now going through. In the week that I meet Gerwig, the first allegations of sexual abuse have been made against Harvey Weinstein, and it was clear that Gerwig found the revelations upsetting and deeply shocking.

“I felt so badly for all those women,” she says, “and I felt so understanding of where they were, especially the young women, the women who were in college, the women who were just excited about movies and film-making and found themselves in a position that they didn’t know how to say no, but they didn’t know how to leave and that they felt overpowered and then they felt scared to say anything.”

There are tears in her eyes; her voice cracks. “I’ve felt for so long that there just need to be more women in positions of power,” Gerwig goes on. “Not that women are magic or perfect beings, but that they need to have a seat at the table because then I would think that things like this would have far less chance of happening.”

When Gerwig realised she was writing about mothers and daughters, she started thinking about movies that covered a similar theme. There were hundreds of films on the father-son relationship, including some excellent ones by Baumbach, but she struggled to think of stories told from the female perspective: James Brooks’s Terms of Endearment (1983) and Mike Leigh’s Secrets and Lies (1996) were among the rare inspirations. “There are surprisingly few movies about it,” says Gerwig, “and I think that speaks to the fact that there are surprisingly few female film-makers.”

In preparation for shooting Lady Bird, Gerwig created dossiers for her lead characters. Timothée Chalamet, for example – who plays Lady Bird’s crush Kyle and is also Oscar-nominated this year for his role in another coming-of- age drama, Call Me By Your Name – was directed towards the films of Éric Rohmer and a collection of theoretical essays, The Internet Does Not Exist. Kyle is a pretentious mansplainer: he lectures Lady Bird on how mobile phones are tracking devices for the government and that clove cigarettes have fibreglass in them. At one point, he puts down Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States to announce, “I’m trying to live by bartering alone”.

Kyle’s a pseud, but Gerwig clearly has a soft spot for him. “I am not a fan of phones,” she explains. “I talked for a long time with Timothée about his character’s beliefs, and he said, ‘The funny thing is that everybody is going to think you’re Lady Bird, but you’re Kyle’.” Gerwig laughs, “And I was like, ‘I know! I am secretly Kyle.’ I have all of the same paranoias as Kyle does.”

Gerwig is technically a millennial, but not spiritually so. She grew up pre-internet and has no social media presence: “Sure, I’ll lurk. But I don’t participate. I’m just a Peeping Tom.” Part of the reason for setting Lady Bird in 2002 is that it’s not “cinematic” to shoot screens. She longs for the pre-phone era when you couldn’t get hold of someone instantly, and the only way to find them would be to drive around to all the locations they might be. We rarely allow ourselves to become properly bored, Gerwig believes, and the internet and smartphones are in part responsible.

On the wall of her bedroom, Lady Bird has the Leo Tolstoy quote, “Boredom: the desire for desires.” “Boredom is, I think, pretty useful,” says Gerwig. “You need to reach a level of boredom to make anything. Because I don’t know if you remember, being bored as a kid, just so bored. You were at a grocery store with your mom and you were like, ‘It’s just excruciating!’ But then you get to a point where you start making up a game for yourself or you’ll start imagining things or whatever it is. But I worry that we’ve lost that capacity, which I think maybe erodes some creativity as well.

“I’m just as bad as anyone,” she admits. “Because it’s like your flitting brain can be completely satisfied by this machine that can give you feedback for all of your passing thoughts. Like, ‘Where can you grow avocados?’ I don’t know, let’s find out. And then, ‘Oh, how much water does an avocado tree take every year?’ Let’s look at that. And then, ‘Different crops and the water usage for each of them.’ You are creating this weird feedback loop for yourself.”

This is a very Gerwigian conundrum: hem-hawing about restricting access to the internet because she’s worried she’ll waste time Googling avocados. But she’s not saying it to be cute. It clearly concerns her. One of the strict directives on the set of the Lady Bird was that it was entirely phone-free. “And not just for the actors, for the crew,” she says, “because it’s quite depressing for an actor to be doing an emotional scene and look over and see someone checking Instagram. It’s a real bummer. But it was quite impressive, because I had a lot of young people in this movie and none of them ever brought their phones to set. Saoirse set the tone: I never saw her on her phone, never once.”

Gerwig is effusive about her two stars, Ronan and Metcalf. Everything in the film, she says, comes back to “the central love story” between Marion and Christine, mother and daughter. “For all of time it’s probably been the most rich, fraught relationship. Something with Laurie and Saoirse that I loved was that they were the same height and I gave them the same haircuts so that when they were in profile, you say: ‘Oh, you’re so at odds with each other but actually you’re the same. And that’s why the fighting is so intense because you guys can both bring it.’

“So I knew I needed actresses who could punch the same weight class,” Gerwig adds. “They give extraordinary performances and they should get all the statues and prizes. Work like that should be rewarded.”

For her part, whatever happens, Gerwig insists that little will change. She will keep acting – when the project and specifically the director is right – and she wants to collaborate with Baumbach again: “I hope Noah and I will write another movie together because it’s really, really fun.” She also wants to start her own production company one day. “It’s important that if you have any kind of a platform and it matters to you that you should figure out how to bring other people along,” she says.

As for the Oscars, she is not about to pretend that she’s not freaking out a little. “I grew up watching all the award shows and I’d put on a fancy dress and watch it with my friends,” Gerwig recalls. “It’s thrilling and it’s also part of what the dream of making films is.”

Then Gerwig’s eyes narrow; these are defining moments both for her personally as a director and also as an inspirational member of the too-small band of female film-makers. “But awards are not important in terms of whether or not I’ll make another film,” she says. “I’ll keep making films, no matter what.”

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Ocean Eyes - Part 2

It was an unusually hot day, so i pulled out Mason's kiddy pool and filled it for him to cool off in. I was sat on one of the sun loungers close by reading my book where i could still keep an eye on him.

"Mom?"

"Yeah babe?"

"Is auntie Hannah coming round soon with Lucas? Im bored"

"They should be here soon buddy" i smiled over at him.

"Okay.... im hungry"

"Fine.... i'll go get you something but you have to come out the water while i'm inside...."

"Oh mom i dont wanna get out...."

"Mace come on now...." i rolled my eyes putting my book down.

"Knock knock" i heard a very familiar voice call out from behind, i turned and stared wide eyed at none other than Scott Evans!!

"Scott.... what... what are you doing here?" I asked standing up and walking over to the back gate to let him in.

"Chris told me where you were, i had to come see you! I've missed you! You stopped replying to my messages and wouldn't take my calls...."

"Yeah i'm sorry Scott, that was a dick move" i nodded, I had been friends with the Evan's since we were kids.... best friends with Chris and Scott "i was dealing with some stuff.... guess i didn't handle it well"

"I can see that" he said looking over at Mason who was sat in the pool with his back to us as he crashed some toys around "he yours?"

"He is, thats Mason"

"Well you gonna introduce me properly??" He asked being his usual sassy self!

"Sure, come on over" i led the way over to where Mason was playing feeling my heart racing, i hadn't been this nervous in forever!

"Hey Mace? I want you to meet a friend of mine...."

Mason turned to face us and i heard Scott audibly gasp.

"This is my friend Scott"

"Hi" he said shyly looking Scott over.

"Hey bud, its nice to meet you...." Scott smiled at Mason before turning his attention to me with wide eyes as Mason carried on playing as if we wasn't there.

"Is there something you need to tell me Y/N?....."

I looked away from Scott keeping my eyes on my son, i shook my head in disbelief..... i did not expect to be having this conversation today!

"You know his a spitting image...."

"I know Scott! Im not blind" i snapped.

"But how?? I mean i know how! But...."

"Hey! Its just us...." i heard Hannah call from inside, she always let herself in.

"Hey.... oh shit"

"Hey Hannah, good to see you" Scott smiled with a little wave.

"Scott..... what a surprise..."

"Han, can you watch Mason while i go inside and talk to Scott?" I asked as i shifted nervously on the spot.

"Sure".

"Hi auntie Y/N!" Lucas said loudly as he ran past me heading to Mason.

"Hey buddy" i smiled at him as i led the way into the house with Scott following close behind.

"Okay so spill it" Scott said breaking the awkward silence between us as he pulled out a chair and sat down at the kitchen table.

"What do you already know? What did Chris tell you about us?...." i asked avoiding eye contact with him.

"Well obviously i know the two of you used to hook up occasionally.... he said he just lost contact with you when you left town"

"Wow....." i scoffed shaking my head "is your brother still an asshole?"

"Why are you calling him an asshole? I thought you guys were friends??"

"We were. Then we were more.....or at least i thought so"

"You two were serious?"

"I guess not"

"He never said anything...."

"Before he made it 'big' with the whole Captain America thing we were serious"

"How serious?"

"Serious enough to get married....."

"Im sorry WHAT???!!"

"Yep"

"How did i not know about this??? when did this happen??" he stared at me with wide eyes and his mouth hanging open as he tried to process the information.

"You remember the weekend in Vegas for my birthday, before he started filming Winter Soldier?....that one night you got food poisoning and stayed in bed..."

"You got married in Vegas?! were you both drunk??"

"Nope, stone cold sober" i shrugged "god i loved him Scott.... he was telling me he loved me and talking about starting a family..... we walked past a chapel and he asked me to marry him. Promised we'd do it properly when we got home...."

"My god...... so what happened?"

"Chris wanted to wait until he finished filming to tell everyone.... or so he said. When he came home once he was done filming he told me we had made a mistake. His career was taking off and he wouldn't have time for a wife..... he was getting a lot of attention from women, he didn't want to be tied down with me did he?"

"Did he say that?!"

"He didn't have to, he was pictured with different women all the time" i shrugged.

"What an asshole!" Scott spat sounding pissed at his brother "how could he do that to you of all people??"

I shook my head as i thought back on the time i was heartbroken.... pining for my best friend... my husband, and he had so easily forgotten about me, i quickly wiped a stray tear away before Scott could see.

"I found out i was pregnant two weeks later. I tried calling him but he never answered or returned my messages..... so i made a choice. I decided to pack up and leave, start somewhere new where i could raise my baby. I received divorce papers shortly after which i signed and returned, i didnt want anything to do with him"

"You should have called me! I wouldve talked some sense into him!"

"He didn't want me Scott let alone a baby.... he made his choice and i made mine" i smiled looking out the window at my beautiful boy "i dont regret it for a second, Mason is my world. He's my perfect little boy.... even if he does look like a spitting image of his father. Thats the hardest part.... its the eyes.... he has his eyes".

Scott was suddenly beside me pulling me into his arms and holding me tight.

"Im so sorry sweetie"

"Its fine.... it was a long time ago.... when Chris showed up here yesterday i nearly had a heart attack!" I mumbled against Scotts chest.

"I bet.... why was he here?"

"Apparently we're still married! That jackass never filed the papers! But now he's seeing someone and its getting serious he wants the option of marrying her"

"You should tell him about Mason....."

"I can't Scott, he'd hate me.... what if he tried to take Mason from me?"

"He wouldn't do that, he might want a chance to get to know his son but he wouldn't hurt you like that....."

"Can you be sure? 100% sure that he wouldn't want to take Mason?? I've seen some of his interviews about wanting kids...."

"Don't you want Mason to know his father?"

"Of course! You dont think i wanted my son to have a dad? I tried to tell him Scott but he ghosted me!"

"Look i love my brother you know that, i know what he was like a few years back, he went through a phase of being an absolute douche bag..... but his different now"

"I'll think about it okay?"

"Okay..... i'll be there for you through it all i promise"

"Thank you Scotty, god I've missed you" i smiled giving him another hug "you staying for lunch? Mason's hungry"

"Id love to".

Scotts POV

Y/N stood at the front door waving me off with Mason, my NEPHEW! I still couldn't believe it.... Chris was a Father!!

I waved to them both as i pulled away and started my drive home. 20 minutes into my journey my cell started to ring, i looked down to see it was Chris calling.

"Hey"

"Hey, what you up to?"

"Just on my way home, i went to go see Y/N"

"Oh.... h..how was she?"

"Surprised to see me, but she was good"

"Good, thats good. What did she tell you?" He sounded worried, nervous even.

"I know everything...." i huffed out a breath "how could you be so fucking stupid Chris?? you married our best friend.... our oldest friend and then left her!"

"I was such an asshole back then.... i know, but i can't change that now can i?"

"No i guess not"

"It was so good seeing her yesterday man, made me realise how much I've missed her. I was hoping we could work things out, be friends at least but.... Scott she fucking hates me!"

"Can't say i blame her....."

"Im not that guy anymore Scott" he said sadly and i knew that, id seen the change in my brother over the years.

"Try and talk to her again, maybe she just needed to get over the shock of seeing you"

"You think she'd wanna see me?"

"I have no clue, but if you want to sort things out with her your going to have to make an effort with her. Let her see your not the same asshole that left her"

"Maybe i should just leave her alone, she's been fine without me...."

"Chris..... i wasn't going to say anything but theres something you should know...."

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