#he sells mudflaps

[mail-me-a-snail]

i need to reintroduce y'all to billiey i think he'd be a hit on here

[fictional-love-is-my-life]

Transformers Cowboy AU

So my husband asked me what my HC's would be for the bots in a Western time. And I decided to just make an AU about it. So thank you for giving me the idea about this.

I couldn’t choose between having them be their bot selves or be human formers, so I am choosing both. I am headcannoning them bot or human when I feel like it. And some hc’s change depending on if they are bot or human. Also, it's sort of BayxTFP because I just wanted to add all the bots I wanted into it.

~~~~

Optimus - Sheriff 

Bumblebee - Deputy sheriff 

Ratchet - The town Doctor

Hot Rod - Ranch owner, used to be a law Marshall but gave it up to take on the Ranch as it was bestowed to him by a friend after their death. 

Hound - Gunsmith/Armorer/owns the gun store 

Crosshairs - Cowboy/ Ranch hand for Hot Rod, but he dreams of becoming a bounty hunter

Drift - Pastor/teacher

Daytrader - Shop owner 

Jazz - Saloon owner/entertainer

Ironhide - City Marshall 

Sideswipe - Hotel owner

Arcee, Elita, and Chromia - Together they own the largest livery yard(horse ranch), and own all the horses. Anyone who wants a horse goes to them.

Jetfire - Ex outlaw, now owns and runs a small mine nearby.

Wheelie - Multi-use hand/works at the saloon and the store.

Brains - Helps Ratchet with whatever he can

Sentinel - Deputy sheriff, angry that he wasn't given Sheriff over Optimus 

Ultra Magnus - Retired sheriff, he handed it down to Optimus.

Cliffjumper - Cowboy/ ranch hand on Hot Rod’s Ranch

Cogman - Bank owner

Skids and mudflap - Miners 

The wreckers(including Wheeljack, Bulkhead, Roadbuster, Leadfoot, and Topspin)- They own the biggest brewery/farm and make most of the Energon(alcohol) sold in the saloon and have most of the stock in the store

Dino - Cowboy/rancher on wreckers farm

Smokescreen - works at the bank but wants to become a Marshall.

Megatron - Outlaw/Owns the largest mine in the country, a farm and ranch that competes with the Autobots. His Decepticons steal for him to further increase his ranch, but the Autobots can't quite prove it/catch him.

Starscream - Outlaw, second hand to Megatron. Helps oversee and run everything. 

Soundwave - Outlaw/farm owner/store owner he runs a competitive distillery to the Autobots.

Shockwave - Dr/scientist trying to move the times forward by experimenting outside his time, but specifically does experiments and requests for Megatron.

Barricade - Farm/ranch hand. Does most of the robberies. 

Knockout - Doctor for Megatron

Blackarachnia - Traveling sales (snake oil) woman/thief

Lockdown - Bounty hunter

Vehicons - Miners and farm/ranch hands.

Ravage - The farm cat, also protects the animals from other hunters. 

Lazerbeak - Does surveillance to track people/bots to steal from.

~~

The Autobots live in a small town, that was started by Ultra Magnus and a few other older bots. Eventually Ultra Magnus retired and the other older bots died or moved away. Optimus took over being Sheriff and appointed Bumblebee as his Deputy. Ironhide became their Marshall. 

Hot Rod used to be a Marshall but left to take over a ranch from an old friend of his. 

They often get new bots going to and through their small town. 

They use their farms and ranches to sell products to larger towns and cities that surround them and that is how they get enough money to keep the town going.

Megatron owns a large piece of land outside the town. He runs a farm, brewery and ranch that the other cons work on, as well as the largest mine around. He's in high competition with the Autobots. He also does a lot of robberies, especially stealing from travelers that try to go to the town. Optimus suspects Megatron of the robberies but has never gotten concrete proof in order to put them away. 

So for now they live in somewhat tense, harmony. 

Every year they hold a shooting competition. Games vary from who has the best aim for using a sniper, who can hit the most targets in a certain time and of course who has the quickest draw. Hot Rod has won the quick draw event every year, some say he slows down time in order to win. But no one has proved such a thing. Ironhide can hit the most amount of targets, and Lockdown has the best aim for a sniper. 

They also have other festivals and competitions, such as rodeos, animal wrangling, fishing and they have Energon contests to see which brewery makes the better tasting Energon. The wreckers have won every year, and have the best Energon known for miles around. The cons try very hard to steal their secret recipe, but have yet to accomplish it. 

They have horses, cattle, dogs, cats, and Energon crops.

 Cliffjumper is the best skilled with a lasso. Skids is the best fisherman. 

The wreckers instigate the most amount of bar brawls. Usually not in a vicious manner, just friendly banter that gets out of hand. But a night in the cells sobers them up for work the next day. 

They play a lot of poker, Ratchet and Crosshairs are the best players with the best poker faces. They have a few wins each. 

Jazz plays the piano in the saloon, as well as serving the drinks. He also gets Wheelie to help tend the bar.

Crosshairs wants to be a bounty hunter. But that would mean he would have to leave to go to one of the other cities to get the bounty jobs. And as much as he wants to, he hasn't yet. Some say it's due to a loyalty he feels to the town even though he tries to deny it. 

Bee can't speak, he lost his voice in a gun fight. For bot Bee since there are no TV’s or radio he records other people's voices and sentences and uses them to talk. For human Bee he knows sign language, taught to him by a city folk that traveled through. Some Autobots know sign language, like Hot Rod, Ratchet, Sideswipe, Drift and Optimus. Barricade and Shockwave also know sign language. The others only know basic Sign, not enough to hold a full conversation.

Sideswipe used to be a Marshall but lost his legs after an accident. He now has prosthetics and runs the hotel. He also has a gap tooth after losing it in a saloon brawl.

Please feel free to ask me about this AU, I would love to talk about it and come up with more things about it.

[babsvibes]

One Eyed Snakes Reference Sheet

Because sometimes a wiki isn’t enough and also I wanted to headcanon some biker names lol

Club:

Horny Dave’s Favorite Jam:

Activities:

Partakes in criminal activities such as robbing, looting, cooking and selling crystal meth

Drinking and drinking contests, smoking, opening a beer bottle with boobs is considered an art

Arm wrestling

Listening to music: memorial jam is over 21 minute rock song (which seems to have strong psychedelia influence), ending credits song similar to Mama Kin by Aerosmith

Locations:

Stopped in Macon, Georgia at least once when the azaleas were in bloom

Attends bike week in Laconia, New Hampshire, which happens in June

Allies/Enemies:

Enemies with the Buzzard Kings, who throw Molotov cocktails

Allies with Easy Beavers, who appear to be majority female gang

Gives one eyed snake cards to people they owe a favor to, which must be presented in window

Patches: Critter explains patches on Horny Dave’s vest to Belcher kids in family friendly way

Tickling a c0p (likely assaulting an officer)

Not being associated with the wh!te p0wer movement (unclear of true meaning, emphasis on “not” seems to imply the opposite)

Blowing up a bunch of balloons (likely large scale property damage)

Style of Humor:

Nonchalant criminal activity

Down to earth and in tune with sensitivity/intuition

Style of Speech:

Southern dialect (Tennessee for Critter)

Biker speak (Roamin’ Bob-iday references)

While they mostly speak colloquially and with contractions, a lack of contractions and flowery/overstated language is utilized for humor (Mudflap: I do not think so, Linda . . . You started crying tears of genuine emotional sadness)

General:

History of being intolerant to other races and parents. Mostly male members but a few female bikers. Several members on LinkedIn. Nursing student sold them OxyContin and taught club infant CPR. Initiation is tough, assumed to include weeding out posers through physical violence.

Horny Dave was chapter leader until he was in a gruesome accident. Critter took over after his death. Ice Pick is now presumably acting president, as he makes decisions for the club in Wag The Hog, with Critter taking more time off to be with Sidecar and work a straight job.

Bikers:

Critter and Mudflap: See wiki

Rat Daddy: Intimidates Mort into keeping Horny Dave’s favorite jam cranked. Friends with Horny Dave. Appreciates flowers and is aware of seasonal blooms. Talks openly to kids and answers questions about drugs honestly with no filter.

Ice Pick: Stands in as club decision maker in Critter’s absence. Sensitive to other people’s state of mind, his own image, and accepting of social media. Growls at Kenny but takes a selfie with him. Capable of being persuaded and recognizing perspective.

Nasty Slim: Gets in a fist fight with Statch. Gets too drunk and needs to be carried out of the restaurant by two women who seem amused by him.

Scab: Tags onto whatever has been said. “Critter hasn’t talked to us in weeks.” “Yeah and he hardly wants any meth.” “And other races.” “And you can sell it to this square over here.”

Statch: Locks and blocks the door to fight honkies. Rides an American flag bike. Fights with Nasty Slim. Seen in heated conversation with Slim and Margo. Takes selfie with Kenny. Name is slang for Statutory.

Mutton: Stands separate with Critter and Rat Daddy in Earsy Rider. One of the first to enter Bob’s Burgers and waves everyone else inside after confirming there is beer. Has heated conversation with Ice Pick and has a barbed wire tattoo.

Ruby: Attends baby shower and plays diaper game. Doesn’t appear to stick to anyone in particular. Seemingly younger as she has no visible wrinkles and younger style of dress and hair (shaved in Earsy Rider, pixie cut in Roamin’ Bob-iday?)

Tang: Riding on the back of Mutton’s bike. Attends baby shower. Enthusiastic about winner of arm wrestling contest.

Pidge: Riding on the back of Scab’s bike. Damascus had his arm around her and they appear to be talking to each other across booths. Helps Slim when too drunk. Wears a shirt baring her midriff.

Damascus: Seen with arm around Pidge.

Margo: Helps Slim when he’s too drunk. Seemingly uncomfortable with an angry Statch. Attends baby shower.

Ol’ Wayne: Lost drinking contest to Mudflap.

[fandomsaremykryponite]

Unpopular Opinion

I’m kinda happy that we have the Bayverse films.... *ducks behind my couch to hide from the angry, idignant, and somehow offended TF fans*

But before you all kill me for this blasphemy, let me explain.

My first introduction to Transformers was the trailer for the Transformers movie trailer in like 2006-2007ish time, when it was trying to build up hype for the movie. Then when I watched the movie, I fell in love with the Autobot characters. 

Mikaela was pretty cool. Beautiful, smart, and badass, mechanic? Uh, yes please. Was I happy with how sexually objectified the character was when I watched it again when I was older?

Yes. Yes, I was.

Did I absolutely adore the Autobots?

Also, yes.

Now if fucking Micheal Mr.I-Am-only-good-at-sexualling-objectifying-women-and explosions Bay hadn’t directed these movies, we might not have gotten them or we might have gotten a better director. idk man at this point I just stopped trying to go over the what ifs and is at least happy that I was given a pretty epic introduction to the franchise when I was 13.

Now I’m also going to give another unpopular opinion that will most likely have all of you burn me at the motherfucking stake like it’s the goddamn witch trials...

I liked the Bayverse movies....

Where they perfect?

NO!!! They were a goddamn trainwreck from start to finish, but we got some pretty awesome and iconic scenes and lines.

You all know which scenes I’m talking about.

Lennox and his team against Scorponok. Trying to get airsupport and having to deal with an Indian operator and have to pay to make an international call. The switch between scenes, where one scene is a goddamn literal war going on. People are screaming and/or dying. Scorponok is fucking up everyone’s day. Lennox basically is grabbinn Epps’ ass for his fucking wallet to get the fucking credit card (I hope Epps was reimbursed for that call, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was expensive). Then it switches over to the operator. The guy is completely unfazed. You know he probably hears everything happening. i remember how fucking crazy those phone mics were. Then, he’s telling Lennox he has to pay. Then, he tries to fucking sell the “premium package”, while Lennox is trying to get ahold of the fucking Pentagon for fucksake. And that’s just one scene.

Then we get treasure’s like “Satan’s Camero... it’s sTALKing me”, Ironhide and Ratchet’s intro, the entire backyard scene “whoa that was tingly”.

That was just the first fucking movie. Every one of them has little treasures like this.

Now, do I like Micheal Bay?

No, he’s a fuckwad and he’s been dead to me ever since he killed Jazz and is officially on my “if i had the chance to kill this person and get away with it” list after he killed Ironhide in the 3rd movie.

Also, the story each movie just gets more fucking stupid each time. Also, he didn’t have Sunstreaker when he introduced Sideswipe. Instead we get Skids and Mudflap, who in the rest of the TF universe, are of no relation. Also, Skids is a theorotician and a super learner. So, Bay, basically, took a phenomenal character and dumbed him down to get this “gangsta” looking mofo. Now did that make me like the Chevy twins any less? Not really because they had some pretty good moments as well. Like the bumper sticker when they were an ice cream truck, the shit-talking, calling Sam’s roommate a fucking chia pet, and so on.

Am I bitter about like 85% of the Bayverse movies like everyone else?

Hell yes. It could have been better without Bay and better writers and less sexual objectification of the female cast.

And yes this totally sounds a bit sjw-ish because of like 3 maybe 4 mentions of female sexual objectification, but you know what? It kinda needed to be mentioned, since Micheal Bay is most known for like two things and neither of them are that “he’s a good director”.

So, yeah. I like Bayverse for two reasons:

1. They introduced me to Transformers (I got into a whole bunch of the other TF stuff and loved them too. Except TF: Energon. I’m pretty sure all of us collectively hate TF: Energon as much as Bayverse)

2. The little treasures Bayverse gave us

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk

[a34trgv2]

In Defense of Michael Bay’s Transformers franchise

Spanning 11 years at this point, the Transformers film series helmed by Michael Bay has enjoyed healthy success at the box office, earning a collective total of $4.38 billion. Yet despite that, each entry has gotten mixed and negative reactions from critics, which is nothing Michael Bay hasn’t dealt with before (”I make movies for teenage boys. Oh, dear, what a crime.” he once infamously said). Since I am a sucker for giant robots duking it out and a big fan of this franchise, I think it’s only fair to give my two cents on this critically despised film series.

To start, the CGI is excellent, especially on the Transformers themselves. This is one element many people agree theses films get right as the VFX artists put in alot of effort into making these giant robots feel authentic. The Autobots and Decepticons have a more alien look in their design, yet they still maintain some semblance of their cartoon counter-parts. I like how the Decepticons maintain a grey/black color scheme while the Autobots have more colorful designs. This really sells the fact that the Decepticons could take the form of any aircraft or vehicle and you wouldn’t be able to tell until it’s too late. With each installment, the filmmakers introduce new kinds of Transformers with different abilities and personalities to make them standout. It’s also worth pointing out that for all the CGI in these films, there are still moments of practicality in these movies. From the famous Michael Bay explosions, to damage done to the given setting, there are a lot more practical effects used in these films then people give them credit for.

Let’s talk about the human characters, since people tend to make fun of how over the top and goofy most of them are. Sam is very much the eyes of the target audience for the first 3 movies. He’s awkward, a nervous wreck, and just wants a normal life like every other young men his age. At the same time, he’s funny, brave, and has a good heart when it comes to saving the world. Mikaela was the spunky, brave and smart love interest for Sam in the first 2 films, but due to behind the scenes squabbles, she was dumped and replace with the caring and optimistic Carly. Sam’s parents, Ron and Judy, provide some laughs for their time on screen, despite being the typical “embarrassing parents” so often seen in comedy films and sitcoms. Then there’s Agent Seymour Simmons, who is just a riot. Every time this character is on screen, the movie just get’s better. He’s funny, quirky, a wiseguy, and a lot of fun. The last 2 films in the franchise ditch the OG cast in an attempt to softly reboot the franchise (tl;dr, they wanted to focus on other human characters in this universe). Cade is a brave, ambitious and optimistic inventor that just wants the best for his daughter, Tessa. Mr. Joshua Joyce makes for a nice Agent Simmons-lite with his eccentric and quirky personality and Sir Edmund Burton provided some laughs and lore to the franchise. What really brings these characters to life are the performances of the actors. Shia LaBeouf may be a meme now, but his portrayal of Sam Witwicky is no doubt memorable for better or worse. Same for Mark Wahlberg, who makes for a funny and noble lead in his own right. But of course, the best performances in this franchise belong to John Turtorro and Stanley Tucci, as they chew the scenery and embrace the lunacy of this franchise every chance they get.

For the Transformers, the Autobots and Decepticons maintain their differing ideologies and contrasting personalities from the cartoon. Optimus Prime is still the brave, heroic and, well optimistic leader of the Autobots in contrast to Megatron’s cold, bitter and spiteful lust for power. Starscream is still very much Megatron’s cunning yet loyal second in command while Ratchet is still Optimus’ trusted colleague. Now, to address a bit of controversy regarding the portrayal of Skids and Mudflap being “black stereotypes,” 2 things: 1. It was established in the first film the Transformers learned Earth’s languages through the Internet and 2. Their personalities were chosen by the actors who played them, Tom Kenny and Reno Wilson, the former being no stranger to voicing non-White characters (i.e. Raimundo from Xiaolin Showdown) and the latter being African American himself. The one standout character of the franchise though is Bumblebee, who protected Sam in the first 3 films and in each entry is known for speaking through the radio. Evidently the character is so popular, he’s getting his own solo film this December.

Lastly, I want to talk about the stories told in these films and how they’re executed. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: there’s a McGuffin that the Autobots and Decepticons are fighting over and the humans are right in the middle of it. Gee, that sounds like the plot of the first film...and the film after that...and the film after that. When people complain about the repetitiveness of this series, they’re referring to the stories. Each film follows the same basic McGuffin plot, and by the time the 5th film came out, audiences were just tired of it. I meanwhile, saw this as a minor problem as I found the executions to be worth going through the same beats. I very much like how each film tries to not only give the audience more than what they got last time around, but also address complaints that were made beforehand. Didn’t care for Skids and Mudflap? They were reduced to blink and you’ll miss it easter eggs. Thought Sam’s parents were annoying? They had reduced screen time. Thought Nicole Peltz wasn’t a good actress? Completely written out of the next film. There comedy is also kept sharp and witty with each new entry, as well as the action scenes. Cogman was easily the funniest Transformer in the franchise, having such great comedic timing and an excellent performance by Jim Carter. My personal favorite action set piece in the franchise is the battle in Egypt in Revenge of The Fallen. So much is at stake and my heart was just pounding as the climax went on, wondering who would make it out alive, if any.

While I don’t agree these films are inherently bad, they do still have problems like all films. The stories are repetitive, not all the side characters get equal development as the main ones and it feels odd every time they retcon the origins of the Transformers in each installment. That said, I still very much enjoy these films as the big popcorn spectacles they are. I’m very much looking forward to the Bumblebee solo movie and whatever the future holds for this franchise.

[siphersaysstuff]

Yeah i dont like how women are treated in the bayformers movies... Or how they treat race. (the twins are.... extremely bad) But I love the designs and cool cgi and epic fight scenes. Its really a problematic fave

I’m’a ramble a smidge about the racist elements of Bay’s movies and what’s super-frustrating there, as it’s kind of a microcosm of the whole problem with Bay in general.

I don’t detect any malice or contempt in stuff like Skids & Mudflap. I don’t think he codes them that way because he thinks less of black people. And as concepts, honestly? I hate their face designs and the negative coding, but even the general character concept -a pair of semi-fuckup bots who talk a LOT- can be done funny and done well. Their way-too-brief fight with Devastator is honestly great. But, wellllll... let’s move on....

Bay’s humor is broad and unsubtle (duh), and he enjoys people playing weirdness to twelve. I mean, look at how broadly wacky he has LaBeouf, White, Tuturro, Tudyk, Malkovich and Hopkins play... and compare that to Mac, Anderson or Jeong’s roles. He just thinks that kind of thing is funny... and, well, he’s not wrong. All of those actors are, at points, really damn funny in these movies. Every one made me laugh honestly and without cringe at some point.

It’s just that it’s also real easy to lean into racist stereotypes in that comedy direction. And I don’t think Bay realizes that... or at least doesn’t really understand why some stuff in these movies is... problematic. My impression of him is that he is a super-focused individual, and on many technical levels, he’s fucking amazing. But he’s also focused to the point of tunnel vision. He doesn’t notice how scenes don’t sew together to make a whole movie, he doesn’t notice tonal dissonance, he doesn’t notice that he’s directing caricatures not characters, he doesn’t notice that heeeeeeey that caricature is kinda leaning heavy into negative racial stereotypes for laughs, he doesn’t notice that there’s ways to make us NOT like the creepy racecar driver boyfriend as he seems to want us to not like him without putting in a goddamn skeevy Romeo-and-Juliet card that has no fucking business in a Transformers movie regardless of if you’re using it as a “this guy is skeevy” thing which you’re not doing a good enough job of selling without that card because you’re not directing these people as if they’re actual human beings aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

After all, one of his earliest smashes was Bad Boys with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, being... well, uber-Smith and uber-Lawrence. Kinda easy to see where he got the idea “ethnic people being loud = funny”.

And I believe there is  a “Hollywood bubble”, but it ain’t what the right-wingers think it is... it’s actually WAY closer to how the right-wing thinks the world is. “””Liberal””” Hollywood still has a big problem with racism and sexism and a lot of big rich powerful people being insulated from the “hey dude, that’s really kinda not cool” most of us collide with day-to-day. And Bay is absolutely surrounded by that bubble. Bay isn’t really someone people are generally inclined to rebuff. After all, he made a shitload of money for a lot of people.

It’s why I’m really honestly keen on seeing how the Bumblebee movie pans out. I wanna see how that “style” of Transformers movie, with the might of the same effects house and designers from the prior five movies, but under a different director with some good critical darlings behind him, will shake out.

Ramble... over.

[stormy-boy]

Lightning remembers what Storm told him at the pits before the race at Florida International.

“I heard you’re selling mudflaps after today. Is that true? Hey, you put me down for the first case, okay?”

Storm is chilling at his fancy schmancy mansion when the door bell rings. He opens the door. A package lies on his doormat. Frowning, he opens it up right at the entryway.

“I don’t remember ordering anything…”

He pulls the item out of its packaging. Items with an “s.”

It’s a pair of Lightning McQueen-themed mudflaps.

Storm narrows his eyes at giggles coming from behind the fence wall. Lightning and Cruz can’t keep their amusement to themselves—the sound of their muffled laughter reveals their hidden location.

Storm dons a deadpan expression.

“Thanks, I hate it.”

[whipplefilter]

WIP snippet

Almost immediately after he'd stepped up as Cruz's crew chief that first time, the press had started asking him about growing the sport. What was he going to do for the sport now? How was he going to grow it? What were his long-term strategies? Does he see his sponsorship loyalty as a disadvantage now that it's time to grow the sport? How does he plan to tap his network? What's he going to do for the sport? You know--the sport. What's he going to do for it?

At the time, Lightning hadn't had a ready answer. This seemed like a question for cars like The King, not him. Six months ago, Lightning McQueen had just been a racecar, racing. No one had heard of Jackson Storm. Racing was the thing Lightning did, not something he--conceptualized. He'd never had a long-term strategy in his life. He felt like he hadn't had the time yet to think of one.

He didn't even know what 'grow the sport' was supposed to mean. Hadn't the Next-Gens done that? Bringing in IGNTR, Combustr, Blinkr. The vowels might not have made it into racing, but the money sure had. Besides, answering questions about 'growth' sounded a whole lot like selling mudflaps.

So he'd said, "Well, I raced for it." He'd already given it everything he had and then some. For better or worse.

But maybe the Piston Cup had places to grow that weren't just 'up.'