64 Olso Square
"Companion' Middle English. From Old French 'compaignon', literally 'one who breaks bread with another.
Strapped for cash, John gets a job at a bakery as their new delivery boy. Juggling school and Queen and work is exhausting, but it's more than worth it. It's worth it because of you.
Warnings for this chapter: some light… thoughts of…. smut….. lots of flirting and these two dancing around each other even more.
//
Chapter Seven
Rita Caine went into labour on the morning of 1st June 1972. Her baby girl was born at seven o’ clock precisely, so her parents decided to call her Dot.
Dorothy Angela Caine was healthy and happy, and so were her adoring parents. Which was nice. Lovely, in fact. Except it meant that, for the last week, you had been running the bakery entirely by yourself.
You didn’t mind. Really, you didn’t. You couldn’t be more thrilled for Mickey. He’d been talking about starting a family ever since he met the girl of his dreams three years ago. His happiness gave you the strength to face that wall of hungry customers every morning and your cantankerous old kitchen.
But after one day on your own, you could barely summon the energy to hold yourself up. You simply let your body sink into a heap behind the counter, sliding down the wall until your bum hit the floor. You didn’t even have the energy to cry.
It didn’t matter that you’d spent days prepping, it didn’t matter that you were getting just a few hours of sleep and you hadn’t seen your friends or family in weeks, it still wasn’t enough to keep you ahead of schedule. Much as you tried, you couldn’t do the job of two people already doing the job of five.
As always, John was your only source of comfort.
You hadn’t admitted to anyone just how much pressure you were under. Mickey was able to come in a few days a week but you wouldn’t ever ask for more, and Gladys was like one of those comets you only see every 70-something years. You were barely getting by but hadn’t said a word. Somehow, John was able to sense it. Probably something to do with the way you gasped with joy and relief every time he stepped through the door.
That day, John was off on his rounds, dropping off little white boxes around the city on a bike borrowed from a girl on his floor, the same girl who leant him the flowery, red helmet. It turned out she’d painted the bike to match. When John turned up one morning, scowling atop his new wheels, it had kept you smiling all day.
When he finally returned to the bakery later that afternoon, just a few hours from closing, you were so relieved to see a friendly face, you almost kissed him. Almost.
You settled for resting your hand over the one he rested on the countertop and squeezing gently.
“Thank God, you’re ‘ere.”
John just smiled, puzzled but obviously pleased that you were happy to see him.
“Has it been bad?”
“No,” you lied. “Not really. But the last few hours are always a rush. How were the deliveries?”
“Great! Although, when I knocked at, er…” He checked his list, scrawled down by several different hands over the course of the week. “The one in West Brom? This one here. They weren’t in. The lady in reception said they’d gone out for breakfast instead, so.”
“‘appens.” You shrugged. “That’s your lunch sor’ed, then.”
John gave you an almost weary look.
You only beamed back. John always liked to make a show of refusing every time you gave him food to take home but he’d never once left empty-handed. Today would be no different.
John couldn’t keep a straight face for very long. He shyly raised a hand to cover his smile, but he couldn’t hide those crinkles around his eyes and the way his cheeks bunched up, still pink from his bike ride.
He was much smilier now than when you met, like he’d almost been out of the habit of it back then. You weren’t sure what it was, his friends, the band, this job, but things seemed to be going right for John. A small, selfish part of you wondered if you might have something to do with it too.
Things had, admittedly, taken a bit of a pause in that area. There was still tension, little looks and touches that lasted far longer than they needed to, but John hadn’t said anything more about the date he’d proposed, and you were too terrified to bring it up yourself.
That wasn’t to say there hadn’t been any progress. If you could call unbearable sexual tension progress.
Exactly three weeks after he was mugged, John invited you to another of his band’s gigs. He was right, it went a lot smoother than the last one. The hall was bigger, there were far more people, and John didn’t look like he’d rather be anywhere else the whole time.
After digging through your wardrobe, you managed to find a sheer top with long, bell sleeves and some black velvet flares. You made sure to stand as near to the centre as you could so that you could get a good look at him and, more importantly, so that John could get a good look at you. You felt his eyes on you the whole night.
There was another gig just a few days later at a school hall in Wandsworth. By then, you knew most of the words to a few of their songs. You even brought along a few leftover treats from the bakery for them to give out to punters.
Nothing, nothing, compared to the feeling of looking up at John while he played, his long fingers tugging at the bass strings, his head bowed. The way he moved, it was so different to how he acted offstage. There was a confidence about him you’d never seen before, and when he shook his long hair over his shoulder and smiled down at you, his hips swaying to his own beat, you suddenly understood why people went mad for musicians.
John always managed to find you, despite the low lights and the now heaving crowds. It sent a thrill through your blood every time his eyes met yours. Of all the people in the room, all those pretty girls and boys who were beginning to worship Queen, John only had eyes for you. He walked home with you after every gig.
You fell into a routine together without having to say a word. If John’s shift ended late in the evening, he would come up to your flat to watch telly for a while before heading back to his lonely digs, or you would walk up and down the high street a few times, just talking and talking, laughing and talking. If he worked the morning shift, John would stay to help out, but only after you’d made sure he wasn’t just trying to get out of studying.
And then there was The Incident. You blushed to think about it, even now.
It happened last week, at the end of a very long shift for the both of you. The bakery was so busy, John had offered to stay behind to help.
Working beside him again was so lovely. John didn’t often have time to hang out with all the essays he’d been lumbered with, so you had lots of catching up to do. Standing there behind the counter, chatting away about everything and nothing while you made tea and dished pastries, it was the happiest you’d been in months. Your cheeks began to ache from all the smiling.
When things finally started to wind down, you took John back into the kitchen with you and, after he expressed an interest, you showed him how the bakery’s signature bread was made, a darker loaf made up of rye flour, as well as wholemeal and white.
You shaped the dough between your hands, weighed it, then rolled it over a tray of seeds that shone like tiny jewels under the bright lights above. Together, you and Mickey made forty of these loaves every day. You could probably do it blindfolded now.
After a while, John’s questions petered out and you worked in a comfortable silence, which you only broke to remind him of the next step or to compliment his technique. No words could describe how hard you worked to not stare at John’s big hands as they rolled and patted and kneaded the dough.
Whatever walls you both had, they were gone now, there was no denying it. Being around John had always been easy, even though your heart was usually pounding so hard you could hardly hear him speak over it. But now there was no shyness, no awkwardness or uncertainty. There was no one else you could just be yourself around, and you liked the person you were when you were with John.
You realised you were smiling to yourself and quickly glanced up to see if John had noticed.
To your surprise, he was watching your face, his eyes soft and faraway. It wasn’t the first time you’d caught him staring but you’d never actually been brave enough to call him out on it. For the life of you, you didn’t know why that day felt different, but you smiled and asked,
“What are you thinkin’ about?”
John’s eyes seemed to focus again and he looked embarrassed. Maybe he hadn’t been staring at you at all. Perhaps he’d just zoned out and his gaze had only happened to land on you.
Feeling sheepish, you tried to laugh it off, but then John said,
“I was just wondering if I’d get flour on my face if I kissed you.”
You froze, the dough heavy in your hands, and stared. It was all you could do.
“What?”
John blinked.
“You’ve got flour…” He pointed at his cheek, then at yours. “What? What’s wrong?”
“You were thinkin’ about kissin’ me?”
John baulked, shook his head, and made an odd sort of sputtering sound, all before he managed to choke out,
“That’s not what I said!”
He seemed so certain. For a moment, you wondered if you’d somehow misheard or even imagined it. But no, no, John had let whatever was in his head come tumbling out of his mouth, perhaps for the first time in his life.
“You said, ‘I was wondering if I’d get flour on my face if I kissed you’.”
“Well, exactly! So-”
“So you were thinkin’ about kissin’ me.”
“No! Well, I…”
You couldn’t help it, you had to laugh. It was just so silly. John looked like he was about to turn grey and keel over, he was so embarrassed. For some reason, it only made you want to keep pressing.
“So, would you?”
“What?”
John’s voice cracked. It made your stomach flip.
“Get flour all over your face?”
It was a dare. You knew it. You knew John felt it. Suddenly the kitchen had gone very quiet.
You watched his lips press together. His steel grey eyes searched your face.
“I don’t know,” John said slowly, almost like he couldn’t believe he was really having this conversation with you. “Only one way to find out, I s’pose.”
He’d seen your bet and raised you. More than that, he’d given you permission, laid his cards out on the table and said, ‘Go on, then. Put your money where your mouth is’.
Your gaze dropped to his mouth again. He couldn’t have been more than a foot away. All you’d have to do was lean forward and he was yours.
John watched you, those clever eyes clear and bright. Were you imagining it, or had he turned himself towards you? Opened himself up to you and lowered his head a little?
Slowly (too slowly, you knew that now) you began to smile.
“I s’pose.”
John’s mouth twisted, then he laughed softly. It sounded hollow. He turned back to the dough and asked if it looked good enough to you.
It was only later that you realised your mistake. You’d been echoing him, a positive. John had heard an uncertain negative. You’d never wanted to kick yourself so bad.
It didn’t come up again.
/
On a bright day in the middle of the second week of June, you were setting up the chairs and tables outside the bakery when you heard a familiar bell chime.
John pulled up by the curb, his bike tires skidding across the asphalt. He looked pleased with himself, it was obviously a move he’d been practising. He’d certainly come a long way from careering into oncoming traffic, oncoming pedestrians, and several oncoming trees.
“You’ve mastered tha’.”
John smiled, wide and relaxed.
“You know, I had a scooter when I was a teenager.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Used to drive it everywhere. I’d choose that over this deathtrap any day.”
“You’re ridiculous.”
You tried not to sound too distant, but you couldn’t keep your eyes off John as he took off his helmet and shook out his long hair. He was so insanely beautiful, and you knew he liked to dress nice sometimes and he was always talking about what he wanted to do next with his hair, but John really didn’t have a clue just how gorgeous he was. At least, to you.
“I was big on The Who. I had this little Vespa 180.”
You nodded as if you knew what that was.
“Had the parka and the hair, and everything," John went on. “I was stopping by my friend Dave’s house once; he was in the band I was in back then. This car pulled out of nowhere and I skidded and came off it. Cut up my arms and my legs,” John scratched at his chin. “Had a nasty scrape here. Nearly fainted on my mate’s living room carpet from all the blood.”
You laughed because he did, though really, the thought of John as a teenager, just a kid really, hurting himself so badly that he was that shaken, it made your stomach twist.
He’d been doing that more often lately, telling you stories. Not just about his friends, his band, his classes, but about his home and his family, about the people he grew up with and the fun they used to have. It had taken almost half a year but John finally seemed to have relaxed.
“You were in a band back home too?”
You watched John dismount the bike, grinning to yourself when one of his long legs got caught in the frame. Still as graceful as ever.
“The Opposition, we were called. That’s where I learnt the bass.” John smiled, looking you up and down quickly. “You look lovely.”
You looked down at yourself. A skirt you’d pulled from the washing basket, an apron, and your coffee brown uniform shirt didn’t seem worth mentioning. With a pang, you wondered if you’d led the conversation down a path John didn’t want to follow and the compliment was just a distraction.
You looked back up at him, eyebrows raised.
“Do I?”
“Yeah, you’re…”
He looked you up and down again, slower now, taking his time, then smiled sheepishly like he’d forgotten himself for a moment. There was something so innocent and genuine about that smile too. It made John’s eyes sparkle and his nose wrinkle, and the small sound he made, a soft, shy laugh, was so endearing, all you could think about was kissing him.
“Thanks, er…”
You huffed, not sure what else to say. But John was still smiling. He knew.
Even though he’d bottled it, once again, passers-by must’ve been able to feel the tension radiating off of you. Your heart was pounding so hard, you were sure John would be able to hear it, even over the roar of morning traffic.
“Listen,” You shot him a look, wryly acknowledging that you were changing the subject. “I need to talk to you.”
John heaved an exaggerated sigh and turned his bike around.
“Oh, dear…”
You followed him down the narrow alleyway that separated the bakery from the haberdashery next door. There was hardly enough room to manoeuvre around the bins and potholes on foot, let alone fit a bike through, but he had the knack by now. You still managed to admire John from behind as you wound your way around the skips like an Olympic gymnast.
“I can’t make it tomorrow night. I’m really sorry. Gladys needs me to close up, she’s goin’ out with…” You pulled a face. “Well, she’s goin’ out. And I’m basically gonna have to work through the night to cover not ‘avin’ Micky still.”
You’d made plans to meet up before his next gig, what should’ve been your fourth. But there was just too much to do, and after two weeks of on-and-off help from Mickey and Gladys, you were exhausted.
“I’m so sorry, John.”
“It’s alright, love. Don’t worry. It’s tough at the minute, I know.” He squeezed your elbow gently, reassuringly, then turned to chain up his bike. “You’re gonna miss out on seeing my new outfit but…”
“Well, that’s why I wan’ed to talk to you...” You wrung your hands, half agony, half hope. “To make up for it, I wondered if you… If you wan’ed to come over after work tomorrow night? I could make dinner, help you get ready, do your make up…”
John laughed, soft and bright, all gap-teeth and eye crinkles. You could get used to seeing him this relaxed, you really could.
“I’d really like that,” he said, nodding sweetly, then he laughed to himself again.
You tried not to look as happily surprised as you felt.
“Good!” you said. “Cool.”
John beamed then raised his arm, gesturing for you to enter the bakery before him.
“Cool,” he repeated, teasing you.
You beamed.
“Cool.”
“Good.”
“Cool.”
“Cool.”
“Good.”
/
Friday night should be the best night of the week. You should be out with your friends, maybe going to the pictures or getting a drink in a nice bar in town. Instead, you were so exhausted, you could barely put one foot in front of the other, and climbing the stairs to your tiny flat felt like traversing the foothills of the Himalayas.
But you had become used to not seeing your friends, and there was never anything on at the cinema, and even when you could summon the energy to get all dressed up and buy yourself a drink with a fantastic name, all you could think about was the bakery, and all the work you could be doing instead.
That night, it took all your strength to not flop down onto the sofa, or even better, your bed. Today had been tough, tougher than usual. Fridays always seemed busier than you could handle, even though in terms of numbers, they couldn’t be much different to any other day. Everyone was desperate to get home, hardly caring that you were too.
Feet dragging the carpet, you went into your room and stood in front of the mirror. Blurred eyeliner, tangled hair, and an empty sort of look behind your eyes.
“C’mon, kid,” You patted your cheeks, then tilted your chin up, dragging your open palm down your throat. “You’re alright. You know you can do it. You’re alright.”
You slipped your fingers under the collar of your shirt and pressed them into your pulse.
“Still goin’.”
You stayed there for a moment, just looking at yourself as you felt your heart beating against your fingertips. You tilted your head to one side, then the other.
There was a threatening red patch by the arch of your left eyebrow where a spot was brewing, and the bags under your eyes were growing darker and darker by the day.
“Mickey will be back soon.”
Lying to yourself was a new low. Mickey hadn’t said when he’d be back permanently. Gladys had actually made a rare appearance that afternoon but you were both so busy, you hadn’t had a chance to ask what the plan was. You were just treading water, and the storm showed no sign of clearing.
There was a knock at the door, four short, sharp knocks. Very John. Right on time, as always, and just when you needed him.
You eyed your bed longingly.
When you opened the door, John was covering his head with his hands, pulling down on the edges of a brown baseball cap. He looked agitated and embarrassed, like you’d caught him in the middle of something.
“Hi,” he said, and despite his obvious uneasiness, he still managed a sweet little smile.
“Hi.” You laughed. “What’s that in aid of?”
John’s expression darkened.
“I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.” He dropped his hands with a sigh. “I tried to do my hair but I don’t think I did it right. Had to hide it all the way here.”
“Hide your-? How bad is it? What ‘ave you got under there?”
John gave you a look so hopelessly crestfallen, you had to laugh.
“Come in, come in. We can sort it. I hope you’re hungry.”
That brought back his smile.
“Starving,” he said firmly, and followed you into the flat.
He left his bag by the front door, beside your untidy pile of shoes. You half expected him to flop down onto the settee and stick the telly on, or go into the bedroom to get changed, but John stuck close to your side, waiting for you to tell him what to do. He still had that stupid hat on but you sensed it wasn’t a good idea to ask about it yet.
“You lookin’ forward to tonight?” you asked instead.
You moved to the cupboard to grab some bits for dinner, nothing fancy but definitely soul-soothing. You sensed you both needed it.
“Yeah, yeah it should be good fun. Brian reckons we’ll pull a good crowd and he’s never wrong, so…” John rolled his eyes. “How was work? I’m sorry I couldn’t stay to help today. I could probably do tomorrow though and some days next week?”
“I’d love that. And it was good. Busy but… And I think I might’ve convinced Gladys we can afford more help.”
“Another baker?”
“Just someone to watch the front of the shop.”
John pouted.
“I thought I was gonna be your new sales assistant.”
“What? You’re joking. You’ll be busy touring the world soon! You’ll forget all about us.”
The moment the words left your mouth, your heart sank like a stone. You were only teasing, but there was a thickness to your voice, a tell-tale edge of self-pity, that John couldn’t have missed.
The thought clouded your mind most days. Whenever it threatened to sink its claws too deep into your chest, you had to turn the radio up or start a new dough, anything to distract, if not completely switch off your whirring brain. John couldn’t stay forever. You knew that. He knew that. But you were having a hard time accepting it.
John gave you a soft smile.
“I wouldn’t forget you, love.”
As he spoke, he raised his hand and slipped it round your wrist, gently, carefully.
“I couldn’t.”
His fingers were so long, they could wrap all the way around your wrist, his rings cold against your burning skin. It was all that kept you grounded.
He could barely hold your gaze when you first met. Now John could touch you like it was the easiest, most natural thing in the world, because it was.
You kept your eyes on his hand. You couldn’t look at him, you couldn’t let John see just how much the thought of him leaving pained you, or how desperately you wanted to rest your hand over his and pull him closer.
He squeezed your wrist once, then took back his hand. It took everything in you not to grab it back.
John cleared his throat. His cheeks were a little pink.
“Anyway, the band is just a… It’s not forever. It’s just a laugh. Something to get us a bit of money.”
You frowned.
“Is that how you all see it?”
John looked away.
You’d obviously touched a nerve so you changed tack.
“D’you mind chopping the veg?”
You worked together in a comfortable silence. The only sounds were the soft chip chip chip of John’s knife against the chopping board as he sliced carrots and onions, and the crooning radio in the corner.
You let your mind wander to what it might be like to hear one of John’s songs on the wireless someday, what the DJ might say about him and his friends as they lined up the next track. Would they mention his degree? How hard he’d worked to get their little band off the ground? Would they mention him at all? John seemed happiest in the background, a silent but steady column keeping everything upright.
They wouldn’t mention you, you knew that. Or Mickey, or Gladys, or this bakery. They’d never know what a good influence 64 Oslo Square had been. They would never know how insular John was when he started, and how proud you were of him for wanting to get better. They would see someone quiet, distant, but smart, so smart, and never know just how far he’d come.
You weren’t part of his story. Or maybe you were, in a way. A book, tucked away in a corner of the library that only you and John knew was there. Either way, it wasn’t important. DJs and music magazines and record sales didn’t matter to you. Knowing John was better for meeting you and your home was all the acclaim you needed.
You looked over at John. He was smiling to himself as he fiddled with the papery skin of an onion, probably trying to decide if he’d chopped enough.
Memories of the boy who walked into the bakery on that rainy night flooded your mind. So nervous he could barely get his words out, so thin he was shuddering despite his old jumper. Now here he was, in your home, making dinner with you, smiling at you-
John had caught you looking.
You cleared your throat awkwardly.
The song on the radio changed to something more upbeat, a Slade song.
“So, this show, where is it again?” you asked, turning back to the pasta boiling on the stove.
“A club down in Soho, I think. The Regent? Le Régent? I don’t know. Freddie saw the name and picked it. God knows what the place is like.”
You shrugged.
“Sticky floors, horrible loos, grabby men. They’re all one in the same.”
“Yeahhh, I don’t mind you missing this one, to be honest. It won’t be glam.”
John turned and leaned against the sideboard. He was so tall, he could perch on the side without needing to hoist himself up.
You just kept your eyes down. If you stared at his hips for too long, you knew you wouldn’t be able to resist pinning them against the counter.
“Don’t worry, when we go out, I’ll take you somewhere nice.”
It was such a bold statement, it surprised you, and all you could think to do was laugh.
“Oh, really?”
“Only the best for my boss.”
“I’m not your boss.”
“Aren’t you?”
When you looked back over your shoulder, John had turned his back again and was chopping vegetables innocently. His face was half hidden by his long, wavy hair but there was no missing the smirk in his voice.
You watched his arm move up and down, up and down, and marvelled at how slim he really was. You could see his bony elbow poking through his brown chequered shirt with every shunk of the knife against the chopping block, though you were pleased to find you could no longer pick out his ribs as his body turned. Your plan to feed him up a bit was clearly working.
Against your better judgement, you let your gaze travel slowly, slowly down.
John’s tiny waist seemed made for your hands. The contrasting curve of his hips made you dizzy. You could almost feel your fingers sinking into them, see his pretty face flush with embarrassment at how much he enjoyed you touching him, until your palms began to tingle. You rolled your open hands into fists, squeezing tight.
You could sweep his long hair aside and press kisses down his spine, your hands still kneading at his hips, until he had melted beneath you. So tall, far taller than you, especially in his heels, and now there was a thought.
All it would take was one hand on the small of his back, pressing down gently until he was bent over the counter, his face pressed into the cold linoleum and his arse in the air.
You couldn’t help thinking John always wore those tight trousers just to antagonise you. You ached to run your hand over him, to feel the soft black velvet against your skin, to hear John gasp as your fitted your hips against him and leaned down, your chest against his back, your hair tickling his neck, your mouth near his ear as you told him how pretty he looked and how long you’d been thinking about fucking him, just like this.
“I know a place near my uni. It’s nice there, you’ll like it.”
You looked up, your eyes heavy.
John was smiling at you. It was such a lovely smile, but all you could think about was the warmth of his flushed skin against yours, the pathetic whines and moans that would fall from his funny mouth, and the ache between your thighs.
He was right there. You could have him if you wanted. All you’d have to do is cross the kitchen and kiss him, hard, so hard he couldn’t possibly doubt how much you needed him, and then he’d be yours.
He’d be in your bed, looking up at you with those big, clever grey-green eyes and begging you for more, grinding down on your fingers, his pretty hair spread across the pillow, his legs wrapped around your waist.
“Fuck me, love. Ohhhn… Want you inside me, darlin’. Fuck…”
His mouth would fall open as he watched you spread his legs even further apart, boots still on, his pink tongue pressing against the little gap in his teeth.
“What do we say?”
“Pleasepleaseplease, make me cum, please.”
“Good boy.”
“I promise, no sticky floors and no grabby men.”
John sipped his cup of tea.
You swallowed thickly.
“None at all?”
He laughed and shook his head at you, but didn’t rise to your challenge, much to your disappointment. Instead, John poked at a slice of onion with the tip of the knife.
“Are these alright?”
They were perfect. Of course they were.
After dinner, John disappeared into your room to get changed into his stage gear. When he came back, you had to pick your jaw up off the floor.
You weren’t sure what you’d expected. The last few times you’d seen John perform, he’d either opted for jeans and a T-shirt with his band’s name on it or borrowed things from his friends. It seemed he’d finally gone shopping.
“Do you like it?”
John beamed as he turned this way and that, showing you his black satin suit from every angle. The material shone in the light, framing his body neatly. The jacket pulled in at the waist, its shoulders contrastingly broad, and was open enough to show off the silk shirt he wore underneath.
“Yeah.” You took a breath. “I love it.”
John grinned. He clearly felt good. He ought to, looking like that.
You let your gaze follow the length of the suit, from his open collar right down to his red woollen socks. They offered a sliver of another part of John’s personality, a homely frugality that you couldn’t help finding endearing.
Cute as it was, you soon found yourself staring at his chest again. John was usually so bundled up against the cold, to see any of his skin sent you into an almost Victorian stupor, and now here he was, his chest bared down to the bottom of his sternum. You realised you were biting your lip.
“It’s thanks to you guys that I could buy it. I’ve been eyeing it in the shop for weeks. Thought you ought to be the first to see it.” John was peering in the mirror above the mantle, angling his chin this way and that. “Do you really like it?”
“You look great.”
You meant to say more but John started to play with the buttons on his shirt, toying with the idea of undoing one more.
“Come on, then. Let’s see this hair,” you said quickly.
With a woeful sigh, John turned away from the mirror and went to remove his hat but stopped with his fingers wrapped around its brim.
“You promise you won’t laugh?”
“I promise,” you lied. “C’mon, you’ll be late. How bad can it be?”
With an awkward smile, John took off his hat.
You pressed your lips together. When you were sure you had control of your smile, you tried to think of something reassuring to say. You came up blank.
“Oh, John…”
He groaned and let his head fall back, his eyes squeezed shut as if in agony.
“My sister does it when she wants to make her hair curly,” John moaned. “She taught me over the phone but I don’t think I did it right.”
You couldn’t resist, you had to laugh. John had wound two pencils into the front pieces of his hair, not the craziest idea in the world, but they’d somehow become tangled and were now stuck. One pencil was sticking almost straight up in the air. You couldn’t imagine how long it had taken John to get them under his hat.
John looked wretched.
“Is it bad?”
“No.”
“You said that a bit quick.”
You offered what you hoped was a reassuring sort of smile.
“It’s fixable.”
“Darling,” John moaned, drawing out the sounds so woefully, you’d finished laughing by the time you realised what he’d called you.
“It’s alright! It’s alright, we can sort this. God, all those brains and you can’t curl your own hair,” you laughed and shook your head. “God help us all if you ever do become an engineer.”
You directed him to the sofa so you could get a proper look at the top of his head. While you poked and fiddled with the pencils, you tried not to think about how you’d ended up standing between his legs again, and how nice it was to have him looking up at you.
After a moment or two of you muttering under your breath and John wincing every other second, the silence clearly became too much for him.
“Where are you from?”
You frowned, carefully turning one of the pencils between your fingers.
“What?”
The stereo in the corner was still crooning on, something low and slow that the DJ had swooned over. ‘For all you lovers out there…’ he’d schmoozed. ‘Something to set the mood and get you feeling good…’. You and John had just tried your best to ignore it.
John shrugged as best he could considering his precarious position.
“I’ve just realised I’ve never asked.”
“You won’t know it.”
“Try me.”
You looked down, smiling.
“Wandsworth.”
John thought for a moment then shook his head - carefully.
“Yeah, you’re right. I don’t know it.”
You laughed but stopped when you accidentally tugged too hard and it made John yelp.
“Sorry, sorry. How did you even manage to- It’s on the other side of the river.”
“Oh, the nice part of town?”
You snorted.
“Johnny, this is the nice part of town.”
“Ahhh, so you’re from the wrong side of the tracks? Or river.”
“That’s me, a real wrong’n.”
“Yeah, I see it now, you’ve got a streak a mile wide.”
Your fingers slipped and you accidentally tugged on John’s hair again. This time, the little whimper he gave in response made you press your thighs together.
Trying you best to keep your expression neutral, you asked,
“Murderous?”
“Hmm… Maybe when Alastair is about.”
You looked down at him again.
There was something about John knowing you, what you liked and what you didn’t, who you hated and what you wanted out of life, that made your chest lurch. You couldn’t recall anyone ever wanting to learn about you, to see you, or even listen to you like John did. Even if he did use it as ammunition to tease you.
“He won’t be around long. Gladys will see sense soon enough. She’s not as green as she is cabbage-looking.”
John exhaled sharply through his nose, agreeing.
You just smiled and tried to ignore the nagging doubt in the pit of your stomach. Hope that your boss would see sense, that Alastair would just leave you alone, was always closely followed by a grim stab of dread.
With one final twist, one of the pencils came free and you gave a triumphant little cheer.
“One down, one to go. No WHSmith trip for you.”
John leaned back, craning his neck to try and catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror about the mantle. As he did, his hands came up to rest on your hips, an anchor so that he could lean back far enough without toppling over.
“How does it look?”
“Well…”
You couldn’t fault John’s sister’s logic. The pencil had certainly done the trick. John’s already wavy hair had pinged up into a perfectly coiled curl, though it probably wasn’t quite what he’d imagined.
Considering he had less than two hours to get to the venue and sort himself out, you decided you’d hold off on delivering the bad news for now. Instead, you slipped your hand around his jaw and turned John’s attention back to you. The other pencil was at a more hopeful angle but was much more tangled.
You grimaced, then gave a low whistle.
“I don’t know, New Boy. Might have to get the scissors.”
John snapped his head up, his eyes wide.
“Kidding! Kidding.”
His hands didn’t leave your hips until he got up to leave.
/
In an empty lecture hall in South London, rehearsals had been rolling on for seven hours now, and Queen had been arguing for at least six of those.
“I just think if we keep the refrain going for, you know, a more… It would sound better.”
“We’ve already got enough bloody refrain on this track. It’s practically trippin’ over itself with how much bloody refrain you’ve stuck on it.”
“Oh, don’t be fucking childish.”
Roger and Brian had started to bicker from the moment they picked up their instruments. What was meant to be constructive criticism had come out much more condescending than was probably intended, which led to muttered comments under Roger’s breath, which, in turn, led to Brian getting defensive.
“I just think it needs a bit more towards the bridge, there. It’s stopping and starting at the moment.”
“It’s stopping because you keep stopping it! It’s fine as it is! There’s more than enough guitar on this one already, the bloody concert’ll be- People wanna get home, you know!”
Fearing they weren’t going to get much work done at this rate, Freddie attempted to act as peacekeeper, but he couldn’t resist dropping in the odd unhelpful comment. Soon, they were all squabbling like boys on the schoolyard, arms crossed and bottoms lips jutted out.
John sat in the corner and watched. He had one long leg slung over the other, his bass a familiar, comforting weight in his lap. While he waited for his friends to finish their argument, he sighed and rested his chin on the instrument’s rib, its sleek black body cool against his skin.
His fingers itched to play. It felt like ages since he’d been able to just switch off his mind, close his eyes and pluck out a rhythm that would slot in nicely with songs formed months before he joined the band.
He shifted his bass again, so that it lay across both his thighs. It reminded him of you, of how wonderful you’d felt sitting in his lap the night you patched him up and saved him from the cold. John felt something in chest tighten, then roll through his body to his stomach. He blew out a long breath.
He couldn’t believe you’d actually worried about being too heavy for him. He couldn’t believe you had no idea how much he’d loved being close to you and how his body had missed yours ever since. John hugged his bass closer, wrapping his arms around it and catching his own wrist to hold it tight, until he could almost imagine its body was yours, warm, soft, and everything he dreamt of.
“John won’t go for that.”
He looked up at the sound of his name. Roger was smirking at him. Beside him, Freddie looked worryingly hopeful.
“Go for what?”
“I just think our look could be vamped up a bit!”
Freddie was already on the defensive and he hadn’t even explained his idea yet, a tell-tale sign that John wasn’t going to like this one bit.
John glanced at Brian, who looked indifferent, and Roger, who seemed excited to see his reaction. He raised his eyebrows and Freddie sighed.
“I just think we could try coordinating a little better. A strong colour scheme. All of us looking like a band.”
“Yeah, okay,” John said, shrugging. “I’ve got no problem with that.”
“And I was thinking we could wear a bit more makeup.”
John’s face fell.
“No.”
“Deaky.”
“No way.”
“Everyone does it!”
“I don’t!”
“Deaky, it’s fine,” Roger rolled his eyes. “It’s just a bit of eyeliner, it’s not gonna kill you.”
John wrinkled his nose but stayed quiet. He knew when to pick his battles and, more importantly, he knew when he was outnumbered and likely to lose. Still, logistically there were still some issues.
“Where do I even get eyeliner?”
John thought he heard Freddie mutter something like ‘oh, for fuck’s sake’ under his breath, but Roger cut in before he could protest.
“Shops, Deaky. Come on.”
“I won’t have time! I’m always either at uni or work. I barely make it to gigs with enough time to get changed as it is.”
“Why don’t you ask your girlfriend! She wears eyeliner, I’ve seen it. And hey,” Roger grinned like a cat. “She could even put it on for you.”
John didn’t have the energy to argue. He shut his mouth again, his skin prickling with embarrassment as his friends murmured in agreement, smiling wicked smiles and whistling like teenagers.
“I’m not wearing any bloody makeup,” John said firmly, crossing his arms over his bass. “That’s the end of it.”
/
That’s how you found yourself between John’s knees, again, leaning in so that you could rub an eyeliner pencil dangerously close to his eyeball.
John was not taking it like a champ. For one thing, he kept bloody blinking. And he was gripping your elbow so tightly, you were starting to lose circulation.
“You know, John,” You smiled as you prised your arm from his grip for the third time. “This’ll only take a second if you just let me do it.”
John’s forehead creased, his funny mouth drawn into a thin line as he begrudgingly set his hands down by his sides. He slipped them under the lip of the table and held on so tight, his knuckles began to pale. So lanky, so smart, so sensible, and terrified of a pencil.
“So, this was Freddie’s idea?”
Immediately, you regretted asking. John scowled, almost making you drag the eyeliner across his temple.
“Stupid idea. I’m gonna look ridiculous.”
You couldn’t help smiling. You’d never seen John so cross and moody before.
“You’ll look fine.”
“It won’t suit me,” John pouted. “I haven’t got the right… Face for it. Roger and Freddie, even Brian, they’re…”
He trailed off, closing his eyes with a woebegone sigh.
Oh, no. You weren’t going to let him wriggle off the hook that easily.
You lifted John’s chin with three fingers, thinking it would force him to meet your eyes, but his stayed closed.
You slipped your thumb over his chin, his slight stubble rough against your skin, and pressed down gently.
“What?” you asked, giving his chin a little shake.
John didn’t open his eyes but you did manage to encourage a little smile out of him.
Pleased with your small win, you brushed your thumb across his chin again, more gently now, the tip of your thumbnail just skirting along the edge of his bottom lip. You ached to reach just that little bit further and tug it down. That would get his attention.
“You’re just as pretty as those idiots, Johnny. And twice as talented. And you’ve got one thing they ‘aven’t got.”
“What’s that?”
You grinned.
“Me.”
John finally opened his eyes and gazed at you softly. He looked tired, too tired for a boy his age, tired right down to his bones, his soul.
You watched his silvery green eyes cross your face, and found yourself wondering, not for the first time, what on earth he was thinking about when he looked at you like that.
“I’ve got you, do I?” he said quietly.
You tapped your thumb sweetly against his chin, then finally let him go.
“Actually, could you close your eyes again? It’s easier like that.”
John flinched when the tiny brush met his eyelid.
You felt bad. To his credit, John had never worn any makeup before so you knew it must feel odd for him. When he shyly brought it up earlier that afternoon, you thought he must be joking, but John had looked so mortified, you knew he wouldn’t put himself through it unless someone was making him.
You glanced at the clock on the mantle. Just half an hour before he needed to get going. John was already dressed and ready to go, you just had to make him look presentable, he’d said. A laughable idea. He looked amazing tonight. He always did. So amazing, you couldn’t help yourself.
“You smell nice. What is it?”
John opened one eye, almost sleepily.
“Hm?”
“What are you wearing?”
“Nothing.”
You laughed softly, feeling your cheeks heat up.
John blinked, then shot you an embarrassed, lopsided smile.
It was difficult to ignore just how good it felt to be close to him again. John’s bony knees were at either side of your hips, pressing in ever so slightly whenever your eyeliner poked somewhere it shouldn’t.
You hummed to yourself, turning his chin to the left, then the right, making sure you’d jabbed the pencil everywhere you needed to. Neither of you seemed to realise there really was no need for you to be touching each other quite so much.
Instead, you just tried to focus on making sure you didn’t poke his eye out. It was infinitely more difficult putting makeup on another person, it was taking all your concentration not to make John look like a B movie monster.
“How’s school going?” you asked, breaking the silence.
John smiled against your palm.
“I love that you call it that.”
“It is school!”
He was grinning now.
“It’s going well.”
You held up two blushes, one deep red, one pale pink, then told him to open his eyes again. John wearily chose the latter, probably hoping it would be less visible than the other.
You dabbed a brush that had definitely seen better days into the powder and told him to smile.
“Are you top of your class?”
“It doesn’t really work like that.”
“But?”
You raised your eyebrows and John’s forced smile turned a little more real.
“Yeah, I am.”
“That’s my boy.” You dabbed at his cheeks, hoping it would look something like what Freddie had envisioned. “Teach me something.”
John shrugged then laughed when you told him off for shuffling around too much.
“What do you want to know?”
“Anything. Which pliers are your favourite?”
John shot you a dark look as you lifted his chin again.
“You tease me far too much for someone who also claims to like me.”
“And you get shy far too much for a boy who once said he ‘fancied me like mad’.”
“I might’ve had a drink or two that night. Sorry.”
“Ahh, so you don’t fancy me like mad, that was just the Stella talking.”
John shot you nervous, crooked sort of a smile.
“I didn’t say that,” he said quietly.
Stunned, you stopped painting his cheeks. You knew you must be staring but you just needed to see him, to see into him, to know if he was just teasing you or if behind that shy smile, John really meant what he was saying. You saw nothing but real, if bashful, honesty in those clever eyes. It knocked you for six.
“See,” You poked his chest with the end of your brush. “Gone all shy again. You’re blushing.”
John rolled his eyes.
“That’s the make up.” Then, as if realising he had no real reason not to be honest with you, he added, “It’s hard not to blush when there’s a pretty girl holding my face and teasing me.”
You could feel your heart pounding in your ears.
“You like it when I tease you?”
“God help me if I didn’t, it’s all you do.”
His hands were warm on the backs of your bare thighs. When did that happen? He was keeping you close but without any urgency or force, his touch so gentle you hadn’t even registered his hands resting there.
“You’re easy to tease. You’re so ridiculous.”
You felt John’s fingers tighten, ever so slightly, against the backs of your thighs. You were suddenly acutely aware that you were wearing a skirt. All it would take was one act of bravery, from either of you, and those hands could be sliding up under it.
“How!”
“You’re just all…” You gestured at him, up and down. “Skinny little thing with huge hair and big fuck off boots and… You’re just brilliant. I like you so much.”
Those last few words came out a lot quieter than you’d intended. In fact, you hadn’t intended them at all. A shyness you weren’t at all used to began to settle over you as John’s kind, clever eyes searched yours again. He was smiling such a lovely smile.
“I like you too,” John said softly.
Was it your imagination or had he moved closer? His back was straighter, his chin raised. John’s fingertips were now pressing into the backs of your bare thighs in a way that was impossible to ignore or pass off as an accident.
But then he let go, and all the tension between your two bodies dissapited at once, like all the air had been let back into the room. John gave you another wonky smile, tucking his hands under his own thighs for good measure.
“Marks on the outfit tonight?”
Letting out a breath you didn’t realise you’d been holding, you tried your best to stoke a smile.
“Oh, ten out of ten. Especially like the, um… What is this?”
When John came into work that morning, he had carried with him several bags and his bass guitar, all balanced precariously on his borrowed wheels. After his rounds, he stayed to help in the bakery and to your delight, had asked if you’d help him get ready again.
You’d only caught a flash of dark silk cloth when he showed you his outfit, stuffed unceremoniously into one of 64 Oslo Square’s own pristine white bags. Now you could see the whole ensemble and you still weren’t entirely sure what it was meant to be.
John tugged at the front of the black tunic. It had long flowing sleeve and stark, white panels that fell like a cape down his sides and his back.
“It might’ve been a wedding dress at some point? I think that’s what Freddie said?”
You flicked at the ruffles at the tops of his sleeves and shook your head.
“Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I do love it though. All of it.”
You let your gaze slip down his front, from the white stripes that hung across his chest, to his shiny black and white platforms.
You loved those shoes. You’d often fantasised about telling John to keep them on while you tugged down his stupid, tight, faux leather trousers. There was just something about them. They made John’s already insane legs look even longer and so elegant, and the thought of him bending over the bed in them… But you’d only thought about John like that once. Honest.
You tapped the back of his hand, now sitting neatly in his lap.
“I love this ring.”
You couldn’t be certain but you thought you’d seen John wear the onyx signet ring almost every time you’d seen him. It was part of what made him John.
“It’s just an old thing.” He spun the ring around his finger a few times, then took it off and handed it to you. “My sister gave it to me. Well, my mum and my sister. For my eighteenth.”
You could feel John’s eyes on you and you studied the ring. It really was beautiful. Simple but wonderful, just like him.
Without thinking, you slipped the ring onto your index finger. The black stone shone as you held out your hand, turning it this way and that to catch the light.
“It’s lovely.”
John beamed and you felt like you’d unintentionally pleased him, like you’d struck a chord that ran deep through him. You liked the ring his family had given him. That was important to him, whether John realised it or not.
You tried to get it off. Stuck. You held your breath, trying not to panic, and twisted the ring just like John had before he took it off, but it wouldn’t budge. He’d been wearing the ring on his little finger, you remembered, it was only tiny really.
“Oh, shit.”
You twisted it again and again, your bottom lip clamped between your teeth, until John rested his big hands over yours.
“Hey, hey, don’t panic.” He closed his fingers around yours, smiling softly as he raised your hand up so he could get a better look. “I’ve got a trick.”
“W-”
“I’m not gonna bite you. Just- Look, trust me.”
You watched, heart in your throat, as John raised your hand to his lips. He gently folded down your other fingers, leaving your index sticking out.
“Saw this in a film once.”
John kept his eyes down, his eyelashes dark against his cheeks. They were short and blunt, you’d never noticed that before. He was so intriguing. How could someone be so masculine in some ways and so beguiling in others?
Then your fingertips brushed his wonderful, funny mouth and you forgot how to think altogether. John carefully lowered his head until your finger had passed between his lips.
You stared, open-mouthed, as John put his teeth around the edge of the ring and gently pulled back, slowly, steadily, until it finally slipped off your finger.
He grinned, the ring caught between his teeth, then flipped it back onto his tongue and held it out for you to see.
You laughed, your cheeks burning. John was still holding your hand.
“See!”
John held the ring up with a flourish, as if he’d just performed a grand magic trick.
You nodded, breathless.
“Yeah.”
It was all you could think to say. You couldn’t think much at all.
John’s gaze slipped over your shoulder. He must’ve seen the clock on the wall, because he checked his watch and sighed.
“Shit.” He squeezed your hand before letting go. “Listen, I’ve got to make a move but- Thanks, love, for everything. Dinner was amazing and so were you and- Just thank you.”
Still feeling a bit dizzy, you tried to summon a smile.
“Anytime, Johnny.”
He had started to gather up his bags and his guitar, but stopped just to tell you,
“I really like it when you call me that.”
“I know. You’re not as difficult to read as you might think, New Boy.”
John looked away for a moment, shaking his head, then he said,
“Thanks again for the…” He gestured vaguely at his face. “I wish you were coming with me.”
“So do I. I’ll be humming your songs to myself all evening, I promise.”
John looked like he wanted to say something else but, again, seemed to think better of it.
“See you tomorrow,” he said instead, then gave you a little wave as he turned to go.
Always so taciturn, never speaking unless he felt it was important, never saying more than was needed, never putting his oar in when he knew it wasn’t necessary. John never said anything without careful, quiet consideration, and even though it had been lovely to watch him slowly relax, trust, and grow in confidence, it was also wonderful to know he was still so uniquely him.
He never spoke without meaning to. The thought chimed like a bell, echoing through your head again and again until realisation finally began to settle in. John never spoke out of turn. He never said what he didn’t mean. So when he said that he’d been thinking about kissing you, all those weeks ago, it hadn’t been a slip of the tongue. It hadn’t been a mistake. He meant it. John meant it.
Suddenly, it felt like your feet had been frozen to the ground. You couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. And all the while, a prickling, breathless ache swept through your body, until it felt like your heart might beat out of your chest and you had to ball your hands into fists to keep them from shaking.
John had one foot out of the door but when you called his name, he immediately stopped. He leaned back in, surprised.
“Yeah?”
Tell him. Tell him now. Tell him how much you like him, how much you love him, love every bit of him, from his mad, fluffy, lovely hair, right down his ugly socks and his ridiculous shoes. Tell him that he’s the cleverest boy you’ve ever met and you love that he never makes you feel stupid. Tell him that he’s the best part of your day and you’d give anything to have him stay just five more minutes, because watching him leave is always torture.
“I…”
Tell him that you want to take care of him, listen to him, protect him, be there for him, love him, for as long as he’ll have you. Tell him. Just tell him.
But the moment you opened your mouth to speak, those worries that you so often had to push down, finally broke through the dam you’d built to keep them at bay.
John was top of his class at one of the best universities in the city. He was an incredible musician in a band whose popularity was growing by the day. And if all that wasn’t enough, he was gorgeous. What did you have to offer? What would he want with a girl who had never stepped foot in a university and whose future was bolted to a tiny, old, struggling bakery. Why would he want you?
John was still looking at you expectantly, the corner of his funny mouth tugged up into a small smile.
“You okay, love?”
You took a deep breath.
“Do you know why the bakery is called what it is?”
John looked bewildered for a moment, then he laughed.
“Yeah.”
“Tell me.”
John still looked a little confused but he must have sensed you needed him to answer. He shuffled around his bass and his bag of clothes, then braced his shoulder against the front door to keep it from closing.
“Erm… Gladys was so happy to have her own business that she threw a bit of a do? So she was a bit drunk when she was filling in the forms. Put the address in the wrong place. And she spelt ‘Onslow’ wrong. It just stuck.” John laughed, shaking his head. “She told me it’s because she was in A Doll’s House in secondary school. She’s a mentalist, that woman. Why?”
Because you’re brilliant. And you love this place almost as much as I do. You know it and you know us. You care about something I care about, even though you have a million and one things going on in your life and the stakes are so much lower for you. Because you’re gorgeous. And kind. And just because it feels so new and odd and wonderful to be seen, to be known.
“Nothing,” You smiled and pushed the strap of his bass case further up his shoulder for him. “Have fun, rockstar.”
/
Queen played well that night. They were always brilliant but tonight just felt different.
Maybe it was because Mickey was able to come in today and you hadn’t worn yourself out to the point of tears. Maybe it was because Roger had grabbed you excitedly by the shoulders when he saw you, kissed your cheek and told you to come backstage after the show. Maybe it was because you’d spent the afternoon doing John’s make up again, and seeing a flicker of jealousy cross his painted and usually impassive face sent a surge of excitement through your chest.
Not even your deep running insecurities could deny that John, shy as he was, seemed to be playing to you that night. For once, he stayed near the front of the stage where you could see him. And what a sight.
You’d always been a sucker for a pretty boy, but John was the prettiest boy you’d ever seen, and standing there, his legs spread, his satiny clothes clinging to every inch of him, you found yourself pressing your thighs together with every thrum of his bass through the speakers.
You watched, transfixed, as his long, elegant fingers danced down the neck of his bass, the fingers of his other hand tugging and pulling at the strings with such strength and dexterity, you couldn’t help imagining how he’d use them on you.
You raised your heavy gaze to meet his. John was bobbing his head to his own beat, lost in the music. When he saw you looking, he smirked and tossed his hair back over his shoulder, his hips rocking enticingly back and forth as the music suddenly picked up its pace.
You couldn’t take much more of this.
After the show, you headed backstage as instructed, your ears still ringing from Brian’s outrageous guitar solo and the pounding of drums through the speakers.
You’d never been backstage before. There were no bodyguards, no dark heavy curtains or growled requests to see a pass, but it was backstage after a great gig, and that was pretty cool.
You picked your way through the cold, narrow corridors, following the signs that lead you to what had generously been called a green room. Queen’s name was sellotaped to the door.
Pushing your way inside, you found the band busy meeting their fans. There was a big crowd, surprisingly big actually. You stood in the doorway, taken-aback. You knew the boys had fans, but you didn’t realise they were this popular.
Brian was talking with a man in a dark suit, probably the owner of the club. They stood seriously in the corner, plastic cups full of something amber-coloured in their hands.
Roger and Freddie were in the midst of a big cluster of kids - a mixed group, all shapes and sizes - chatting, signing programmes and tickets, and posing for the odd photograph.
It took you a moment to find John. He was sitting in the corner on a small leather sofa, keeping out of the way. He had a drink in one hand that he hadn’t touched and was chatting quietly to a girl.
You hesitated. They were sat very close together. The girl was beautiful, all dark hair and big brown eyes, and she was listening intently to whatever it was John was saying.
Roger noticed you first. He thanked the lad he was talking to, then made his way over to you.
“Bakery girl! I’m so glad you’re here. Did you bring any cake? I’m Hank Marvin.”
“Hi, Rog. Sorry, love, not tonight.”
“I’m coming by tomorrow, you can’t lead a boy on like this,” Roger beamed. “Deaks, your girlfriend’s turned up empty-handed!”
At that, John looked up. When he spotted you, he immediately brightened.
You gave him a thin smile and mouthed that you’d meet him outside. You didn’t wait for him to respond before you slipped back into the corridor and out into the cool night air.
/
John was still hiking his bass onto his back when he found you standing under a lamppost, just a few feet away from the entrance to the club. Your eyes were down, your arms crossed over your chest. You hadn’t noticed him yet.
John was so pleased to see you, he wasn’t looking where he was going. He walked right out into the middle of the road, his feet barely touching the ground, he was so excited to reach you.
A car horn blared.
“Look what you’re doing!”
John almost jumped out of his skin and hurried the rest of the way across the road, just as an old Cortina went whistling past with a rude gesture out the rear window.
“What is it with you ‘n’ not looking where you’re going?”
You were shaking your head, smiling softly. The lamplight from above meant your face was partly in shadow, but the half he could see was looking at him so fondly, John couldn’t tell if his racing heart was from the shock of the car horn or because of you.
He shot you a lopsided sort of a smile.
“Distracted. Sorry.”
He offered to walk you home and to John’s delight, you accepted. You weren’t far from the bakery, maybe a ten minute walk, so you set off together instead of heading for the tube station.
John didn’t notice the quiet at first. He was never usually the first to start a conversation or the one doing most of the talking, but tonight he found himself chatting your ear off about the gig, the audience’s reaction, the trouble they had with the sound, everything.
When you finally did speak, it was quiet and considered.
“Lot of fans you lads have now.”
John laughed.
“Yeah, yeah, it’s funny, I never really thought about that side of it. It’s funny hearing people sing along to the songs still. I had a bloke ask me to sign his shirt the other day. Me!”
You nodded slowly, lips pouted. John should’ve known he was in trouble then.
“Lots of girls around you back there.”
John shrugged, suddenly feeling bashful.
"Oh, I’m sure it's just that when they come round to get autographs, they move in a cluster from one person to the other.”
“That girl you were chatting to was pretty.”
John glanced across at you. Your head was down, your arms still crossed over your chest. He sighed and came to a halt, his bass knocking against his back.
You took a few steps past him before you realised he’d stopped. When you finally noticed, you shook your head at him, your eyebrows pulled together in a deep frown.
“What?”
You seemed to be making an effort to keep your voice steady and stern, but there was a flash of something behind your eyes. You were hurt.
John stuck his hands in his pockets, his shoulders almost up to his ears. As comfortable as he was with you, it was still strange to speak his mind. It didn’t come naturally but he wanted to get better, for you.
“Can we not do this?”
“What?”
“You being cross with me for something I haven’t done.”
“I’m not cross!”
That came out a lot louder than you intended. You looked away.
John watched you swing your arms, hardly able to meet his eyes. He didn’t think he’d ever seen you so nervous. He couldn’t help grinning. You were jealous.
“The girl I was talking to is Freddie’s sister. She’s in the year below me, she was asking about uni applications.”
He watched, still smiling, as you visibly deflated.
“Oh.”
There was a painful sort of pause.
John waited for you to speak again but you seemed to be struggling to string together a sentence. He resisted the urge to tease you about it. As much as you liked to toy with him, you’d never once made fun of him for being quiet. And he loved you for it.
John stepped closer, keeping his hands in his pockets and his eyes on yours.
“There were a lot of girls back there, yes. But I’m walking home with you,” he said, steady and quiet and sure. “It’s you who got me a job, and looks after me, and makes me laugh.”
You scoffed.
“That’s all you like me for, is it? Cos I gave you my bike and I make you laugh and feed you like a stray cat?”
“Yes. And…” John smiled. “And you’re kind to me. And you listen to me. And you’re beautiful and smart and… You’re so beautiful, you make my chest feel like it’s… I only want to walk home with you. I only ever want to be with you.”
John waited, heart pounding, for your verdict. You seemed stunned. In all honesty, he couldn’t believe he’d said those things either. But he meant it. He meant every word. It was about time he stopped mucking about and just told you how he really felt.
After what felt like an eternity, your astonished expression sank into a sweet smile, then a full on grin.
“You’re always full of surprises, New Boy,” you said, and laughed softly.
You fell into step beside each other again, stealing glances at each other just to catch the other doing it too. It was thrilling, the start of something wonderful, or just two people realising they had been in the middle of something for a long time and were relieved to find the other there too.
John couldn’t remember the last time he felt so relaxed, so completely at ease, but it would probably be the last time he was with you.
“It’s mad that you live around here,” he said as you walked down a row of gleaming department stores. “It’s so posh, I don’t even wanna look in the windows.”
You snorted.
“I couldn’t even afford their coat hangers.”
“It’s strange the bakery’s struggling so much considering where it is. And there’s always a queue round the corner. Is it the rent, or..?”
“Er…”
You didn’t know how to answer. In fact, you looked a little embarrassed, like you’d never really thought about it before. Gladys had just always said that the bakery was barely getting by and no one thought to ask. Everyone was struggling right now.
“Well, yeah, I suppose,” you said, shrugging. “And there’s ingredients and the energy bills…”
“You just always seem to sell out and your customers are always pretty well-off.”
“Gladys does all the books herself. Maybe she’s just shit at maths.”
“I could take a look?”
He knew as soon as he said it that that was a step too far. They didn’t need his help. They could look after themselves just fine. He hadn’t meant to sound patronising but John still felt awkward.
“I’m sure Gladys knows what she’s doing,” he added quickly.
“Well, let’s not go mental.”
You gave a scornful laugh, then squeezed John’s hand to make sure he knew he hadn't offended you. He squeezed back gratefully.
You nodded at a glossy car showroom on the other side of the road. Ferraris. Chevys. Bentleys.
“You know, I’ve lived in this city all my life and I’ve never been in any of these shops.”
This part of the city was a honeycomb of luxury stores you would never dream of touching, let alone passing through their doors. They hurt to look at.
John shook his head.
“Me neither.”
“You might soon. Roger was telling me someone from a record company might come see you perform.”
John spoke without his teeth separating.
“They might.”
“That’s good, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” John’s smile was forced. “Yeah it would be. Good, I mean. It’d be good. Great, even.”
Of course, you never missed a trick.
“John?”
He sighed, pushing his balled up fists deeper into the pockets of his jumper.
“It really was just supposed to be part-time. This wasn’t part of the plan.”
“What plan?”
“My plan.”
You knew a little about his childhood, the uncertainty and worry of it all, so he felt comfortable talking about it. Unpredictability made a boy grow up thinking about every penny. John liked to plan and think and organise because his life, so far, had been anything but. There was control in order, and safety in the ordinary.
You slipped your arm though his.
“It’s going to be alright, you know. If things do pick up with the band. I know it sounds terrifying but,” You grinned. “It’s also very, very cool, John.”
Your smile helped to ease the ache in his chest a little, but John’s mind was whirring.
“But what if-”
You stopped, and your arm looped through his meant he stopped too.
“You’re gonna keep them on track. You’re going to keep them safe. You’re going to make sure no one messes you around, or takes you for granted, or tries to take something you made and put their name on it. They need you, John. They can’t do it without you.”
He looked down at his shoes, shaking his head, almost in disbelief.
“You’re so lovely.”
Still staring at the floor, he missed your soft smile, but John felt you move closer. Just as his heart began to flutter, you took your arm back. He immediately missed your touch but before he could begin to feel disappointed, you slipped your hands into his.
“You said they went through how many bassists before they met you? They were looking for a good musician, yeah, but you’ve got something they didn’t. A brain.”
John looked up, laughing softly, but your gaze was clear and steady. He’d never felt so seen, so held.
“You’re so smart, John. You see things other people don’t. And if one day you decide you don’t wanna do it anymore then that’s fine. But if you don’t do it because you’re too scared? Well, then…”
John felt something in his chest shift. There had been a belt wrapped around his heart - growing steadily tighter and tighter by the day - ever since he learned about this man from the record company coming to see them play. You’d finally loosened it.
“It means I wouldn’t be able to be your delivery boy anymore,” he murmured.
That was perhaps the worst thing of all. His time was already fractionated into countless pieces. If music became a full time thing, he wouldn’t be able to see you every day. John wasn’t sure how often he’d be able to see you at all.
He thought your smile looked pained as you squeezed his hands. You’d been worrying about it too.
“You were always too good for me, darlin’. Us. For us. The bakery.” You smiled, soft and sad. “I knew you were too good to be true.”
John wanted to argue. He wanted to tell you that you were wrong, he wasn’t too good for anything, but especially you. He wanted to stay. He loved his life, he loved the bakery, he loved being with you, learning from you, talking to you, making dinner with you, making you laugh, all of it, every moment. He wanted to tell you that he wasn’t going anywhere. But he also didn’t want to lie to you.
“They need you, New Boy.”
“Don’t you need me?”
“I want you, that’s different.”
John raised his eyebrows. To his utter delight, you shyly glanced away, your lips pressed together as you tried to keep back a smile.
“It’s not up to me,” you soldiered on. “You need to do whatever you need to do. But I’m gonna support you, no matter what.”
His heart was going like the clappers. John could hardly piece a sentence together at the best of times, least of all around you, but now, he could hardly gather a solid thought.
You were so good. He couldn’t believe he’d found you. In all the world, all its mess, all its people, he’d made one decision and found you, as easy and as simple as crossing the road and spotting the one shop with all its lights still on. A lighthouse, he thought, calling him home.
“Think maybe you’re the one who’s too good to be true, love,” John whispered.
Those soft, gentle eyes. He couldn’t tear his gaze away. You had this way of looking at him, of being with him, it made John feel like the only man in the world. You liked him, he knew you did. So why couldn’t he just lean forward and kiss you? Why shouldn’t he?
His gaze dropped to your lips, just for a second, but when he met your eyes again, John knew you’d noticed.
You started to smile.
His heart in his throat, John placed your left hand on his hip so that his right was free to hold your cheek.
You closed your eyes, leaning into his touch with a soft sigh.
“Of course, if you want to stay, you can,” you said quietly. “I’ve got used to having you around, New Boy.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.”
You seemed so small in his hands, but there was something there, in the way you’d looked at him before your eyes slipped shut, in the way your fingers pressed into his hip, ever-so-slightly pulling him into you. You weren’t surrendering to him. He was only taking the lead because you were allowing it. The thought set John’s heart racing.
“Maybe I could still do a couple of odd shifts. You know. Every now and then.”
“Weekends would be good.”
“You’re in charge, Captain.”
You opened your eyes. They were dark and full in the low light.
“I’ll hold you to that, Johnny.”
John swallowed hard.
A shout across the street made him falter. There was a crowd of young men, all six sheets to the wind and staggering on uncertain legs. They started whooping and hollering at you, waving bottles of beer starwards.
John let his hand drop back to his side.
“Idiots,” he muttered, mostly because he was fairly certain he’d been about to kiss you just then, and now he couldn’t feel his legs.
You rolled your eyes.
“Do you wanna come in?”
You nodded over your shoulder to the bakery, now just a few shops down.
It pained John to shake his head.
“Can’t. I have an exam in the morning, I should get home.”
You blinked, then laughed.
“You amaze me, Johnny.”
“Thanks for coming tonight… I haven’t told you… I’ve been meaning to… I wanted to tell you that it’s been really nice seeing you, um… I can’t think of a nice way to phrase this.”
You squeezed his hip in what he was sure was meant to be a reassuring way, but it took everything in him not to whimper.
“Just go for it,” you said, smiling.
John took a deep breath.
“Things are mad here, I know. And they always have been but especially now, with Mickey away so much and Gladys… You haven’t had any time for yourself and I can see it, you’ve been… You’re like me, you’ve felt stuck. But lately you’ve been going out and making time for yourself and… Look, I don’t really know what I’m talking about but it’s just really nice to see you so happy.”
It was probably the most he’d spoken in one go in weeks, maybe even months, but it didn’t feel as exhausting as it usually did. John knew that was because of you.
You squeezed his hip again. John had to bite back a moan.
“Thank you for reminding me that I’m allowed to have some fun,” you said, beaming.
You were good for each other, John knew that now. Physical touch no longer felt painful, because of you. Speaking his mind no longer felt like an impossibility. You hadn’t fixed him, as so many had tried to. You’d just given him the room to feel comfortable, to feel at home, and that was all he’d needed. You were good for him. Good to him. How could he ever give you up?
“Thanks for doing my makeup.”
It was a stupid thing to say, John knew it, but you were almost at the bakery door now and he didn’t want the conversation to stop, or this night to end.
“Oh, it was a pleasure. A very genuine pleasure.”
You reached up and delicately swiped your thumb under his bottom eyelashes, brushing away smudged eyeliner that he couldn’t wait to be rid of.
“It’s easy when you have such a willing participant. You were such a good boy for me.”
John almost tripped over himself at that. He recovered well, or at least he thought so. You were smiling ever so mischievously as you slipped your key into the door.
“You sure you won’t come in? The sofa’s got your name on it. Or, you know…”
Your boldness could’ve knocked him flat.
John wanted to say ‘yes’, and many other, much lewder things, more than anything in the world. He wanted to hold your face in his hands again and press his lips against yours, back you up against the door and kiss you and kiss you until you could hardly breathe.
He wanted you to pull him inside and up the stairs to your flat. He wanted you to shove him down on the bed, straddle him and just have him, take him, make him yours, and maybe even allow him to make you his in return.
But it was late. And your conversation had made him sad, though the conclusion had been a reassuring one. He was tired, and worried about the future, and not looking forward to getting up at the crack of dawn for this stupid exam.
“Soon,” John said. “I promise.”
He wasn’t sure if that last part was for him or for you. Maybe both. John just hoped you knew how painful it was to step back from the bakery, turn away from you for the night, and head home to his lonely, lonely bed.
//
Master List
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