#he was sooo good in this tiny cameo

[strangersmunsons]

read 'em and weep #3

you and Eddie spend more time together. romance blossoms.

Chapter 3 Eddie x Bookworm!Reader Series Read Ch. 2 -> Here!

Contains: Eddie x Reader, fem!bookworm!reader, lowkey shy!reader, new love and giddiness all around, and a brief cameo from Steve. No mention of reader's physical appearance, no use of y/n. Warnings: mentions of food/eating. Word Count: ~5.5k this took me sooo, ridiculously long to finish. work, writer's block, etc kept getting in the way! hopefully this is okay. i've spent far too much time at this point editing & second-guessing everything, i finally just had to stop overthinking & post!

You’re lying on your bed, nearly dozing when the telephone on your nightstand starts ringing shrilly.

The shock of it startles you from your half-sleep, and you blearily push yourself upright from the prone position. One hand smashes into the pages of the magazine you’d been skimming through, which slips forward on the soft bed covers.

Too comfy to really want to move, you stretch over and clumsily pick up the phone, bringing it up to your ear. “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Eddie,” says the voice on the other end. There’s a fuzziness around the edge of his words as they crackle through the speaker.

It’s not the first time he’s rang you at this hour, but a thrill still shoots through you at the sound of his voice. “Hi.”

Eddie has quickly become a fixture in your life over the past few weeks. Your friendship continued to blossom with each visit he paid you at the library, where he gave you live updates on his reading progress, not even bothering to wait until he was finished before sharing his opinions. He was nice, and funny, and you became increasingly fond of him.

Then one day, while he was chatting your ear off about something or other, it hit you: you think Eddie’s pretty. His face is sculpted but soft, everything just looks so soft. The rounded chin and cheeks, the bulbous tip of his nose that looks like the perfect place to plant a tiny kiss…

He had kept on talking, but you could hardly hear what he was saying. Suddenly all you could focus on was the prickly warmth creeping up the back of your neck and into your ears. It was reminiscent of a feeling you’d had once or twice before around him, but this time it came in swinging. And finally, you could see it for what it really was. Oh.

“Did I wake you up? Sorry, I know it’s kinda late.”

“No, I was still up.”

You sound a bit groggy, but if Eddie notices, he doesn’t mention it. “Okay, good. How are you?”

“I’m alright. How are you?”

“I’m alright,” he echoes back wryly. “How was your day? Did you have to work?”

“Yes, I did. It was good.” You reconsider, an uncomfortable moment spent with your boss flashing back to you, and grimace. “Mostly, anyway. How was your day?”

“Listen, don’t worry about me yet, I’m trying to ask about you. Tell me about your day, why was it only mostly good?”

Eddie seems to have a knack for that; saying things that make your heart flutter in a very nonchalant way, like it’s no big deal. You’re glad this conversation is over the phone, so he can’t see the dopey look on your face.

“Well…” You bite your lip. “It’s not a big deal, but do you know the librarian at all?”

“Marissa? Unfortunately. She’s kind of a bitch.”

“Yeah, she is. And today she overheard me telling another clerk what I have planned for Story Time this weekend, and she doesn’t like it. So she got kind of nasty with me.”

“Why? Are you reading something very inappropriate?”

“I want to read them this Dr. Seuss book, Bartholomew and the Oobleck, do you remember that one? And then for the craft period, we’ll make the oobleck. It’s really easy, just cornstarch and water. But she’s saying that I shouldn’t do it because it’s going to make too much of a mess.”

“Oobleck is supposed to be a really thick slime, right? The whole point is that it gets everywhere and they can’t get rid of it?”

“Well, yeah,” you admit. “So she might actually have a point.”

“Are you kidding?” he replies brightly. “They’ll love that shit. You should do it anyway, I think that’s a sick idea.”

“Thank you.” There’s a touch of pride in your voice. You really do try your best to come up with fun and interesting things for the kids. Encouraging them to read and sparking their creativity is all you ever hope for. “I also think it’s a great opportunity to teach them all about non-Newtonian fluids.”

Eddie barks out a laugh, and it digs sharply into your ear.

“You’re funny sometimes, you know that?”

You were being serious, but if it means you’re making Eddie laugh, then you suppose you’ll take it.

He continues without waiting for an answer. “If you need help cleaning up after, I can be around for that, since I don’t work until later.”

Immediately, your brain conjures up visions of green goo splattering everywhere, getting stuck to the low tables and entrenching itself into the carpet. You can’t bring yourself to inflict that upon him. “That’s awfully sweet of you, but you absolutely do not have to do that,” you reassure him.

“I’ll be there,” he says firmly.

“No!”

“I wanna play with the oobleck. I’ll be there.”

“Fine,” you concede with a laugh. “I won’t argue with that.” There’s a warm pause, mutual affection running through the miles of telephone wire connecting the two of you. You fiddle with a small pilled spot on the bedspread. “So how’s the latest book coming along?”

“Well,” he heaves out with a great sigh, “I finally finished Left Hand of Darkness, which was really good. I can’t say I liked it better than Earthsea, but I enjoyed it. I get why you like it so much.” 

“Comes down to personal preference. I’ve never met a bigger fantasy nerd than you, so Earthsea would be tough competition.”

“For my own sake, I’m choosing to take that as a compliment. Oh, and Genly and Estraven definitely had sex when they were alone on the ice together. I don’t care if they say otherwise.”

“Oh, they totally did!” you concur with a giggle.

“They were definitely kemmering, or whatever it is you’re supposed to call it. Anyway, I’m on to Geek Love now, and frankly, I’m shocked that you recommended this to me.”

“Why? You don’t like it?” It is a little grotesque, but you thought he’d be into that.

“No, I do. But I just can’t believe that a sweet thing like you would read a book like this.”

Your cheeks flood with heat as the word bounces around your head. Sweet, sweet, sweet — he thinks I’m sweet. “I like all kinds of books,” you mumble, and mentally kick yourself for not coming up with something more flirtatious to say back. The banter came a little more easily before you realized just how much you like him.

“So I’ve gathered.”

“Just you wait. I’ll have you reading the Brontës in no time.”

He huffs in disbelief. “Right. That’s likely.” He clears his throat. “Hey, um, can I ask you something?” There’s an edge to his voice you’re not used to hearing. 

“Shoot.”

“Do you wanna come and hang out at my place this weekend? We could get food and watch a movie, like Lord of the Rings or something, if you still wanted to see it. Or we can go to the video store and pick something out. You can choose.”

So far, Eddie’s only ever come to visit you at the library. The prospect of spending time with him alone — truly alone, without coworkers and patrons lurking just around the corner — makes your heart hammer dizzyingly against your ribs. You keep your answer simple. “Yes. I would like that.”

“Awesome.”

Wayne can hear one side of the discussion drifting through the trailer when he comes home, kicking his work boots off and leaving them by the door. Halfway across the living room he spies his nephew in the kitchen, and his eyebrows shoot up at the state of him.

Eddie’s leaning with his back against the wall, the phone held in place between his cheek and his shoulder. One ringed hand is twirling the phone cord around his finger as he speaks in a low voice, goofy grin plastered on his face.

They make eye contact across the trailer. Eddie immediately straightens up and tries to neutralize his expression.

Wayne snorts out a laugh.

“So, um, so anyway—“ Eddie fumbles with the phone “— does six o’clock work?” He turns to the side in a poor attempt to muffle the conversation. 

Wayne steps into the kitchen and tosses his jacket and lunchbox across the table. He makes a kissy-face at Eddie.

Eddie gives him the finger.

The day Eddie is meant to see you takes forever to arrive. However, as he stares at his reflection in his dresser mirror, he starts to feel like maybe it actually came way too quickly.

He’d spent the past half-hour wildly picking through his closet, combing his hair with his fingers, trying to figure out how he should present himself as more and more clothing gets flung around the room. Eventually he gave up on his hair, and came up with an ensemble he liked, but would you like it? Would you like him?

To the untrained eye, Eddie is wearing his standard Eddie-uniform: tight black pants and a band t-shirt. On the surface, it’s a regular outfit for him. But if one is a truly acute observer, they should clearly be able to see that there are subtle variations within this basic framework he’s donning that scream “Eddie Munson is Trying to Impress a Girl!”

His ripped jeans have tears that expose swaths of skin not just on his knees, but his thighs as well (scandalous!) and he’s wearing his coolest Slayer t-shirt, the one that he ripped the sleeves off of so that his tattooed arms are on full display. And it’s just loose enough so that when he leans forward, the fabric gives way so you can catch a glimpse of his chest, with its sparse hair and winking nipple ring.

It’s all very deliberate.

But as much as Eddie doesn’t want to admit it, he’s nervous. While he becomes increasingly enamored of you, unable to keep the sly compliments and saccharine terms of endearment from slipping out, you get more shy. He still hasn’t figured out if that’s a good or bad sign.

Both of you seem to be hovering in romantic limbo, tiptoeing along the fine line between friendship and flirtation. Playful and insecure. Tender and uncertain. Was your puckish rapport a new experience, or were you like that with every person you met? Did you like it when he phoned you late at night and called you honey and sweetheart, or were you just too polite to correct him? Did you hold his name and face in your soft heart when he wasn’t right there next to you, like he did yours?

He’d chickened out at the last minute, dancing around the word ‘date.’

Eddie could be smooth on occasion, sure. But it was different when you knew you didn’t actually have a shot in hell with the person you were talking to. He didn’t have to be afraid of rejection when he already knew it was coming.

Like, he could flirt and wink at Chrissy Cunningham all he wanted and invite her to the Hideout because he knew full-well that she was never really going to show up to watch his band play — let alone dump her boyfriend to go out with him. So he could ham it up, make a fool of himself, and then shrug it all off when nothing happened.

Only a few girls had ever taken him up on his offers. And they always ended up being private affairs; nobody wanted to risk being seen out at dinner with Eddie Munson. Instead there were quick and clumsy trysts in the back of his van or in the woods behind the school, and he was reduced to a novelty notch in the bedpost, a secret for them to whisper about at slumber parties, the eponymous who of a giggly “Guess who I hooked up with!” 

It took Eddie a minute to catch on. He remembers the first time, when he hooked up with a girl at a party he was dealing at during his junior year. The next school day, he tried approaching her in the hallway as she chatted with a fellow cheerleader, and she quite literally turned on her heel and ran — but not without shooting him a look of such intense disdain that it made Eddie physically flinch. Her friend snapped her locker shut, and snickered knowingly at Eddie before following suit.

He won’t lie, that one stung. He’d stood there in mild shock at being brushed off so harshly, while other students milled about, completely oblivious to his distress; someone deliberately knocked their shoulder into his as they passed by, causing the handle of his lunchbox to slip out from his sweaty fist. It fell to the floor with a loud clang that echoed about his ears.

Eddie had already had a pretty good idea of what other people thought of him, but boy, did it really sink in that day.

It set the framework for what his love life would look like for the rest of high school. Which maybe wouldn’t have been so horrible to deal with, if only he hadn’t been in high school for two years longer than he’d expected to be.

So he leaned into it. It was really the only thing he could do, and hey, at least it meant that he could get some every now and then. What did it matter if they refused to make eye contact with him the next day? He didn’t need all that relationship mess, anyway. He didn’t care.

He didn’t care, he didn’t care, he didn’t care — if he tried to tell himself that one more time he was going to explode.

In reality Eddie’s a pretty lonely guy. But since meeting you? He’s hopeful for the first time in a long time that maybe his life doesn’t have to be that way.

Eddie raps on your front door with his fist, biting the inside of his cheek. Pizza and movies. Easy breezy. There has never been a more relaxed person than you, ever, he thinks, buzzing with nervous energy.

After a moment the door swings open. “Hi,” you greet him, stepping out onto the welcome mat, tugging at the shoulder strap of your purse. 

“Hey,” he responds with an easy smile on his lips, one that doesn’t betray his anxiety. He gives you an approving once-over and lets out a low whistle. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

And you really are. He’s never seen you in anything but your work clothes, so he appreciates this chance to see you in an outfit that’s true to your style. 

You let out an embarrassed chuckle and wave a hand at him. “Oh, please.” 

“No, I’m serious! You look very nice.”

You can hardly meet his gaze, a flustered grin forming on your own face. “Thank you. So do you.”

He shrugs modestly, but his dimples show. He gestures to where his van sits parked by the curb. “Shall we?”

The interior of the van is plush and blue and smells of tobacco and something vaguely minty. Eddie insists on running around the vehicle so he can open the passenger-side door for you, and holds out his arm for you to grasp while you climb in; an unexpected act of chivalry.

“Wow, I’m getting the full VIP treatment here, aren’t I?” you ask him jokingly as you clamber onto the seat.

“Get used to it, sweetheart. I may not look it, but I’m a gentleman of the highest caliber.”

“I’m sure you are. I’ll bet Emily Post writes to you for etiquette tips.”

Eddie turns the engine on, and music starts blaring from the speakers. He quickly turns the volume down, shooting you an apologetic look. “Sorry. I, uh, I like it loud.” He gestures to a shoebox tucked away on the floor by your feet. “There’s a bunch of other tapes in there, you can pick a different one if you like.”

You’re delighted to realize that you have an opportunity to tease him. You tilt your head up, lips pouting as though you’re deep in thought. “Okay. Let's say I pull out a different tape.”

Eddie looks at you quizzically, but plays along. “Okay. Let’s say you do.” 

“Now, hypothetically, I would do this because I want to hear something different from what’s playing currently. Right?”

“Right…”

You reach into the box and pull out the first tape you make contact with, and end up with the latest W.A.S.P. album. You cock an eyebrow at him while you hold out the tape for him to see. “So riddle me this: what are the chances that this album — or any of these albums, for that matter — sound any different from what you’re playing right now?”

Eddie attempts to stifle a laugh and fails. “Hey now,” he says, trying to sound stern, “there is something incredibly special and nuanced about every single tape in that box. I would never deign to compare Ride the Lightning to The Headless Children. Completely different. Worlds apart, in fact.”

You shrug, pleased with yourself. “If you say so. You would know better than me.”

“I’m gonna teach you how to be metal,” he promises, peering over his shoulder as he backs out onto the street.

You continue rifling around in his box of tapes. “Do you really think I could be? My job is reading picture books to preschoolers.”

“Totally. There’s nothing more metal than the public library.”

The first stop you and Eddie make is at his favorite local pizza joint, where he insists on paying for dinner himself — he wouldn’t even let you throw a dollar in the tip jar. The shop is conveniently located in the same strip mall as the Family Video, so after putting your order in, the two of you cross the road to browse for a movie while you wait.

When you enter the store, you’re greeted by the little tinkling sound of bells and a bored ‘Welcome’ from the employee seated at the counter.

The cashier is cute — not as cute as Eddie, you think — and probably about the same age. When he finally looks up from the counter and sees the two of you together, his eyebrows shoot up in surprise before furrowing again as he makes eye contact with Eddie.

The two boys stare at each other in mutual distaste. He nods coolly at Eddie. “Munson.”

Eddie’s reply is flat. “Harrington.”

As you approach the counter, the employee’s name tag comes into view: Steve. 

Eddie strides past him and doesn’t stop, even when Steve calls out to his retreating back —

“You still haven’t brought back Spinal Tap!”

“I know,” Eddie replies, not bothering to turn around.

You follow Eddie across the store, skimming through the colorful titles. He stops abruptly in the middle of an aisle, and you bump softly into his back.

He gives you an amused smirk from over his shoulder. “Easy there.”

“Sorry,” you reply, giving him a little smile that’s all too apologetic for his liking. He can’t resist the urge to reach out and take your hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze before letting go again.

You beam at him.

“So what are we feeling?” he asks, feeling needlessly scrambled at the brief but lingering affection. “Something scary? Funny?” He bats his eyelashes dramatically. “Romantic?” 

Your response is automatic. “Whatever you want is fine with me.”

Eddie frowns at you. “I told you, it’s your choice. I already picked out a two-hour cartoon.”

He’s being very sweet. But you want to pick something that he’ll enjoy, too.

Acting on a little tip from your new friend Steve the Cashier, you ask Eddie —

“So you like Rob Reiner movies, huh?”

Eddie slaps The Princess Bride down on the counter in front of Steve. 

“Nice vest,” he comments.

Steve shoots him a dirty look. “Your late fees are gonna pile up.”

Eddie ignores this.

Steve sighs and begins the checkout process. Eddie can’t help noticing Steve casting you sidelong glances, his eyes flitting up and down your figure appreciatively. 

Eddie clears his throat pointedly.

“Here.” Steve pushes the film back over the counter.

Eddie grabs it and heads for the door without saying anything; you, confused and a little put off by the attitude, offer Steve your most polite “Thank you!” before scurrying out after him. 

Eddie holds the door for you when exiting, a pleasant expression on his face that’s a stark contrast from the one he wore when talking to Steve. When you’re both back outside, you can’t help but wonder what that cashier ever did to him.

“I take it you’re not a fan of Steve from Family Video?” you press.

Eddie looks sheepish. “You caught that, huh?”

“It was kind of hard to miss.”

He hesitates. “Well, we went to school together, and he wasn’t very nice. Let’s leave it at that.”

You simply nod, understanding his reluctance to say more. Reliving your high school trauma isn’t exactly something you’re interested in right now, either.

As you and Eddie head back across the street, your swinging arms cause your hands to brush against one another. After a moment’s hesitation, he clasps your hand in his, and your fingers intertwine, like two puzzle pieces clicking into place.

Eddie starts the drive home, and he feels a wave of apprehension.

He told you he lived in Forest Hills early on, and you didn’t bat an eyelash. But with you being so new in town, he wasn’t really sure that you even knew it was a trailer park.

It’s not that he’s embarrassed, exactly, or even that he thinks you’ll really mind — nothing you’ve said to him thus far indicated that his economic status would bother you — but being called trailer trash as many times as he has…well, it’s enough to make anyone defensive.

By the time he pulls up to the Munson trailer, he still hasn’t dared to look across the cab to see your reaction. “Well, here we are!” he exclaims in a hearty voice that doesn’t match what he’s feeling inside at all.

While you fumble between unbuckling your seatbelt and balancing the pizza box on your lap, Eddie darts out of the van so he can help you climb out again. When he opens the door he’s relieved to see that you don’t seem phased by your surroundings; you flash him the same happy smile you always do, and it gives him a boost of confidence.

Hopping up the porch steps, he unlocks the rickety front door and gestures for you to enter, bowing slightly. “After you, miss.”

You curtsey back. “Thank you, sir.”

Eddie pretends that that has less of an effect on him than it actually does.

Inside, he watches you peer around the trailer in interest. He’s glad that he did a deep-clean yesterday: there’s no clothes hanging over the furniture, any garbage he could find was bagged up and taken out, and he wiped down all the flat surfaces with the lemon-y spray cleaner that lives beneath the sink. He even dumped out all the ashtrays; when Wayne saw that, he commented that he must really like this girl.

“That’s a lot of mugs,” you comment, looking admiringly at the shelves that display years of Wayne’s little hobby. “I’m impressed.”

“They’re my uncle’s,” says Eddie as he kicks off his shoes. “I keep telling him he’s got a problem.”

“No, they’re great,” you insist. “Everybody collects something. Don’t you?”

Eddie pauses, hovering by the boxy television. “I guess so. Music. D and D shit.” He sets the pizza down on the coffee table. “Here, have a seat. I’ll get us some plates.” 

Eddie walks to the kitchen and starts rifling through the cabinets for some paper plates and napkins. You call out to him from your seat on the worn sofa. “Is your uncle working right now?”

“Yeah.” Eddie pads back into the living room. “He works a lot of night shifts.”

“Are all Munsons generally nocturnal?” you ask, referring to his bartending gig at The Hideout, a job that keeps him busy well into the night.

Eddie chuckles as crouches by the coffee table, pulling off two slices of greasy pizza and laying one on each plate. “I guess you could say that,” he says, handing you your share. Brown eyes find yours and he nudges your knee with his elbow playfully. “But it leaves me free to come and bother you at work during the day, doesn’t it?”

You dig the toe of your sock into the rug and look down at the food instead of him. “I wouldn’t call you a bother.”

His full lips turn up at the corners. “You wouldn’t?” He rests his hand on your leg, and his fingers swirl a gentle pattern over your skin.

You swallow. “No.” The word comes out subdued and breathy.

Eddie doesn’t move, but stays positioned by your knee, staring up at you. “Look at me again,” he says softly, leaning in a little closer.

You do as he asks and it’s almost too much. His eyes are huge and warm and they look like everything you’ve ever wanted.

A few seconds tick by, and then the phone rings and Eddie’s standing up again, whatever momentary spell the two of you were under, broken.

“Hang on,” he says, face tinged pink.

You settle back into the sofa and squirm, feeling feverish. 

Eddie wrenches the phone off the hook in annoyance. “Hello?” When the person on the other line answers, he huffs and rolls his eyes, turning away so his back is towards you. Still, you catch snippets of the exchange:

“Henderson, I said tomorrow, okay?” Eddie hisses in aggravation. “No, I don’t care if you don’t wanna do it in the morning, man. I’ve gotta work tomorrow night. You guys either come early or it’s not happening.”

You watch him curiously.

“Suck it up.” Eddie pauses to listen to the person speak again, and turns and glances at you across the trailer. Then his tone becomes noticeably gentler. “Thanks, man. I’ll let you know. See ya.”

He hangs up the phone with a sigh, and his face relaxes into a smile again.

He strolls back into the living room and claps his ringed hands together. “So! Are you ready to experience a cinematic masterpiece?”

Some three hours later, you and Eddie are slumped back against the worn cushions, now one and half movies deep. Over the course of the night you’ve slowly closed the distance between your bodies, so his leg is pressed against yours. Eddie has one arm slung over the back of the couch, fingers dancing just above the skin of your collarbone. Both of you are stuffed to the gills, and more than a little sleepy. Even Eddie, who kept up a stream of commentary during Lord of the Rings, eager to discuss his favorite bits of Middle Earth lore with you, is tuckered out.

Shenanigans play out on the television screen. You let out a huge yawn. 

Eddie’s arm curls around your shoulder, hand digging into the meat of your bicep, pulling you closer to him. “This okay?” he murmurs.

You nod clumsily and start fidgeting, your hands twisting in your lap. 

Eddie says your name softly. You hum in acknowledgement. 

“I really like you. And I think you like me.” He cocks his head to the side. “Is that right?”

Your heart throbs.

“Yes,” you whisper.

“Okay,” he whispers back. “Can I kiss you then, sweetheart?”

You nod; Eddie leans in slowly, then presses his lips to yours for a moment before pulling back again. It’s quick, chaste and sweet, and not nearly enough. Your hands find his face, palms landing on both his cheeks so you can bring his mouth back to yours.

He’s happy to oblige. 

Eddie sighs, tongue dipping into your mouth, deepening the kiss. One hand cups the back of your head, keeping you right where he wants you. The other snakes around your thigh, and he uses the leverage to abruptly pull you up and over his lap. A small “Oh!” of surprise escapes you at the jolt, but Eddie wastes no time in securing his mouth to yours again.

His kisses are wet, heady, and grow increasingly frantic as the two of you clutch at each other. Your hands weave into his hair — a longtime fantasy of yours come true at last — and he lets out a soft moan when your fingers tug gently at the tangled tresses. 

Your skin feels tingly, sensitive, alight at every little touch he gives you. Your head is full of nothing but Eddie, the way he looks and feels and smells, and the way he makes you feel, like a shaken-up pop bottle, full of pink fizz and ready to burst.

Eddie suddenly laughs against your lips, smiling into another kiss.

You pull back hastily, self-consciously. But he looks jubilant, cheeks dimpled in joy, chocolate eyes crinkled at the outer corners.

“Sorry,” he says breathlessly, “it’s just — I couldn’t tell — I wasn’t really sure where your head was at.” He kisses the tip of your nose. “You kept gettin’ quiet on me all of a sudden.”

You let your head fall forward, forehead pressing into his shoulder, and let out a tiny groan. “I know. I’m sorry, it wasn’t you.”

You lift your head back up and face him. “I’m not usually very good at this stuff,” you admit. “Connecting with people. It’s harder, when you’re introverted…and have different interests. But you were so easy to talk to when we met! And I was so excited to make a new friend, but I…,” you trail off.

“But you what?” he prompts.

“The more I looked at you the cuter I thought you were.” The words come out in a rush. “When I realized what was happening I got nervous.”

Eddie waggles his eyebrows at you suggestively. “Oh, something’s happening?” 

You swat at him playfully.

“I’m kidding!” He rubs your shoulders soothingly. “But you don’t have to be nervous around me. I’m just some guy, y’know?”

“You, Eddie Munson, are certainly not just some guy.”

“Aw, shucks, sweetheart. You’re makin’ me blush.”

The movie has long since ended, and a peaceful darkness settles over the trailer. The only sound is the chirp of the summer crickets outside and quiet breathing.

Eddie’s fully sprawled out over the couch with you nestled in his arms. It took some coaxing, but eventually he convinced you to lay on top of him, your warm weight better than any blanket, the sweet fragrance of your perfume soothing his senses. Your face is half-hidden in the crook of his neck, and he presses a kiss to the top of your head.

“I have a confession to make,” he says sleepily.

“Ooh. It better be something juicy.”

“It is. Excellent gossip. You can tell all your friends, I won’t even be mad.”

“Let’s hear it.”

“I scoped you out at the library,” he admits. “I came in that day specifically to talk to you. Y’know, turn on that Munson charm, and sweep you off your feet, and all that.”

“Really?” You blink, trying to jog your memory. “I don’t remember ever seeing you before that.” You think of his tousled hair and clunky jewelry. “And you’re pretty memorable.”

“Well, there’s a slight chance that I, um, ducked, and hid behind a shelf when you got close. It was the Saturday right before we met, after you did your reading.”

That recalls something for you. “Wait, wait, maybe I do remember…” It’s hazy. Pale face, brown hair? You can’t quite place this person as Eddie, but it must have been him. “I think I did see you creeping around.”

“What can I say? Your story telling enthralled me.” 

It’s the truth. He’d been browsing for a Clive Barker book when he caught sight of you in the children’s area. You read We’re Going on a Bear Hunt with an enthusiasm usually reserved for trained Shakespearean actors, and it left him undeniably impressed. 

You cuddle closer to him, burying your face in his chest. “I’m glad you decided to nut up and talked to me.”

He smiles against your hair. “Me too.”

Early the next morning, in the hazy gray-blue dawn, the front door opens quietly — cautiously even. Wayne’s not sure what he’ll be walking into. All he knows is that his nephew really likes this girl, and that for Eddie’s sake he hopes that his date went well. He’s not sure how much more disappointment the boy can take. He wants to see him happy.

So he’s pleasantly surprised to see you and Eddie piled up on the couch like two puppies, fast asleep and — thank Christ — fully-clothed. Eddie’s arm is slung over you protectively, his soft snores just barely audible. 

Good for him.

And if they wanna sleep in the living room, that’s fine. 

Wayne’s gonna take the bed.

thank you for reading!! <3 Read Ch. 4 -> Here! taglist: @eddiesgirlforever, @eds6ngel, @sheisahauntedhouse, @lokis-tardis-companion19, @teary-eyed-egg, @whenshelanded, @nanaminswhore, @witchwolflea

[onlyseokmins]

a tiger's dominion [1] • k.s.y.

“Some days you tame the tiger, and some days the tiger has you for lunch.” 

Pairing: kwon soonyoung x afab!reader

Genres: porn with PLOT (minors dni!), camstars!au, university!au, best friends/idiots!au, goofy comedy, cheesy fluff, a sprinkle of angst

Warnings: cam shows and camera sex obv, swearing, prolly fake myths about sex and stuff idk ignore it for plot pls fdksj, sort of mutual masturbation (m&f), reader wears hoshi's clothes, hoshi regards his viewers as females, pet names like kittens, pussycats, etc., degradation, hypothetical shower sex, mentions of breeding, b00bs <333, WAP lmao, sex toys (vibrator/dildo), fingering, squirting, multiple orgasms, me thinking I'm sooo funny and uhh as always lmk if i missed anything!

WC: 8.5k

A/N: I can't believe this is going to be my hoshi fic debut but that's what it is! Special thanks to marvelous @huiranghaes for reaching out and asking me to join the svthub collab and the lovely mushroom for letting me write in her place (this is for her honestly 🥺), please check out the other incredible works on the masterlists! Also special thanks to my darling bestie wife @onlymingyus for helping w/ the planning details, confidence boosting, and so much more! P.S. there are some fun cameos and crossovers scattered throughout, do lmk if you want in on one in future parts :D

➯ a tiger's dominion ◇ [teaser] ◇ [part 2]

Personal Taglist: @aceofvernons @joshibambi @junhui-recs @httpswonwoosglasses @pandorashbox @rubyscoups @noraehey @charcharfairy @woozluv @hoshistar96

↳ Join the svthub taglist here!

"Horang-HEY kittens," the man purrs — yes, purrs — voice low and gravelly. It's not a surprise, considering his dick is already out for all to see as he slowly begins jerking himself off. "How're my pretty lil pussycats doing this fine evening? Desperate for me already? Don't be shy 'cause I'm already leaking for you."

You inhale sharply through your nose as comments flash rapidly across the screen. You can practically hear the pings of monetary value that just have to be pouring through even though you're on the other side of the camera. Reminding yourself that this is a recording, you wiggle the mouse and skip ahead.

"Whoa, wait! What are you doing?" A voice screeches in a different register but it's similar enough tone to the one echoing from your speakers.

With a frown, you look down at the hand that shot out to grab your own. It seems inconceivable to think that the tiny fingers over yours are the same ones wrapped around the red, hard cock dripping with pre-cum in the video. Perhaps that's why it looks so... big. It's the only explanation you'll accept.

You regret glancing once more at your laptop's paused screen because the smirk displayed right before it cuts off at the top now plays on the lips of the man sitting next to you.

"You're gonna miss all the good stuff!"

"I'm not missing anything, Soonyoung. You cam and you're a dude. I'm sure there's nothing new here that I haven't seen before."

The silver-haired man gasps, scandalized. "You think I'm unoriginal. Me. 0riginalTiger69? The one and only Hoshi? Hah! What would you know? You said you don't even watch porn."

"I don't. Why would I need to use anything to get off when I can simply turn on the camera and have everyone watch me instead?"

"So you're only horny when you cam? You never, like, do it alone? Watch some things here and there."

"These days? Not really, don't need to."

Soonyoung shakes his head. "Wow..."

"I'm not insatiable, goofball. Sure I watched livestreams when I first started for some inspo but now... well, you'll find out your stamina can only peak for so long."

"I have incredible stamina, thank you very much. My kittens love it. Salivate over it. Something you'd know if you watch any of my videos."

"Which I'm not going to," you sigh, "and you did not just say kittens with a straight face. I'll find it super amusing if you're still able to go at the same pace you are now some time down the road."

"They're my lovely kittens and don't worry, I'll be sure to keep you updated." His eyes narrow. "You know, you're awfully calm about finding out how your best friend is a camboy."

"Compared to you, yes." Referring to his call at three in the morning, shrieking in your ear that he finally connected all the dots. "You'd be surprised how many familiar faces are scattered throughout the community."

"How many do you know? Have you watched their shows?"

You throw your hands up in the air. "Omigod, how many times do I have to say, I don't watch porn! I make it!"

"Okay, okay." Technically, Soonyoung should know better than to rile you up with long nails waving dangerously close to his face. But he still presses on. "All I'm saying is that you're insanely chill about all of this."

"Bestie, we've been at this since you knocked on my door at ass 'o clock."

"It was only ten!"

"You know I don't wake up before noon!" You take a deep breath. "What's even the point of all of this?"

Soonyoung's brown eyes dart across your room. Taking in the expensive tripod and lighting setup at the desk to the strange, almost clinical, neatness of the rest of your bedroom. How easily he believed when you said it was an investment to perfect your scholarly presentations. Silly. Now it all made sense. He waves his phone with your Svthub profile on display.

"Do a collab with me."

"Huh? … What? Nah. No way. Nuh-uh."

"Just hear me out," he leans in close causing you to scoot your chair back. "My kittens have been begging me to collab with a certain Tigress."

"Ew, don't say it like that."

Hearing it out loud certainly has a much higher cringe value than seeing it typed by faceless viewers or saying it in the privacy of your own room. Alone and too turned on, well-immersed in your role. It's even worse when it comes out of your best friend's mouth. 

"Sorry, should I say Miss TigerLily_61596 instead? Hm. Isn't that my birthday?"

"Oh, it is!" You pray and hope he doesn't notice you lying through your teeth. "The computer somehow generated it, how funny is that?"

Soonyoung pouts. "You use that for all your passcodes." To prove his point, he picks up your phone lying between the two of you and unlocks it easily with the pin of 61596 as expected. "See? Knew it. Hao says that isn't a good cybersecurity measure, you really should be more careful. Remember his lecture? Always use protection!"

You snatch it back. "Leave me alone. It's not like everyone knows your birthday!"

"I'm announcing it on my next stream."

"Do it, you won't."

"I will!"

"Wait, don't. That's a serious security concern, you idiot. Everyone just wants to see you jerk off anyways, nobody wants that personal stuff unless they're creeps. Which you do not want."

"I don't," he acknowledges, "you've been doing this for a while, right?"

"Yeah. Two and a half years soon."

"Wow. Perfect! You should do something big as a celebration. Like collaborating with me."

"Why are you so hellbent on this?"

"Look. Everyone tells me we'd look great together — which is true — but I had no idea how to work up the nerve to send a DM to Miss TigerLily_61596 and propose such an idea. Until! I find out my bestie is the famed Tigress herself! Plus… I have a few experiences here and there."

"So you're using me," you cock your head, "and I don't do collabs. It only attracts potential weirdos into wanting to reach out and I've finally curated a steady, safe viewer base that I'm not looking to change. And what's this about experiences?"

"I'm not using you!" Soonyoung chews on his lip. "And that's another story for another time. It was only an idea, really… I get it. It's not like you wanna fuck me either."

"I don't," you affirm. "Besides, you're going to have to talk to Yuna about the whole camboy schtick, and then you want to try and explain that you had sex with someone who just happens to be me, your bestie? That's not gonna fly so don't drag me into it."

"Probably not a good first date discussion but," he laughs, "I'm sure I'll figure it out. She doesn't seem too judgy. After all, she agreed to go out with me next week."

"Congratulations!" You pat him on the shoulder and stand up, needing to take a step back from his proximity. The sudden suffocation of being wrapped up in his presence can be a little too much. "Forget all these camming shenanigans and just focus on her. This is your chance. You've had a crush on her for months now, can't afford to mess it up."

"Yeah, well." He scratches the back of his neck. "I think I'll still keep camming. Svthub's payoff is great and well… I'm afraid I'll wear her out too much if not."

"Huh? Are you… talking about… sex?"

"Duh. I wasn't lying earlier, I have a mad stamina game."

You pinch your nose when he smirks. "I don't think that's what she'll complain about."

"You don't get it. It's why all the other ones broke up with me."

"That is so not true," you argue. "Chaewon said you talked in your sleep too much, Seoyoon complained that your ego was inflated to max capacity, and Eunhye was tired of you bringing up tigers to get out of every serious conversation! And don't even get me started on what your roommate complains about."

Soonyoung sulks. "Gee, they really confided in you. Okay, sure —  maybe that's all true but I also get told off for having too high of a sex drive."

"Sounds like a 'you' issue but maybe that'll be humbled in a couple months or so. Not my problem."

"Well, maybe you can help me resolve it… if we did a collab!" He chuckles in mischievous glee when you throw a ball of socks at his head. "Just kidding, unless?"

"Get out, you heathen!" You shriek. "Get out before I throw my hair dryer at your head next!" His laughter fades out as he escapes into the hallway. "The world will have to tip over and break off its axis before I fuck you, Soonyoung!"

Apparently, the world did decide to fall apart on you specifically, the universe playing a losing game of monopoly with your life, and whatever godly figures cruelly laughing in your face. Giving you a major middle finger and mocking you relentlessly. You watch the raindrops trickle down the window of the passenger side, similar to your tears that threaten to break loose at any time.

Soonyoung periodically glances at you as he drives, worry wrinkling his brow. "You doing okay?"

"Do you think I'm okay?" You hiss out although he doesn't flinch, knowing you're not pissed at him, per se. "I'm soaking wet, I have no car now, and I could barely pay the towing fee because I just submitted my final tuition and the rest of my stupid bills! This fucking sucks."

"I could lend you some mon — "

"I don't want anyone's money. I was doing perfectly fine until this utter and complete bullshit of a disaster."

It's silly because even though you're seething in well-deserved anger, Soonyoung can never understand how you manage to look so radiant. You're acting like a bedraggled cat about to claw someone's eyes out and yet you wear the fierceness so well. It has always suited you. Though he feels bad about the shitty situation you're now in, he can't help but crack a small smile.

"Okay, don't threaten me right now because I'm driving — which I'm more than happy to do for you any time, anywhere — but you'll also die if you attack me. So… about that collab?"

"Kwon Soonyoung." It's true. He's lucky he wasn't behind the steering wheel of a transportation vehicle or you would've thrown something at him with the rage circulating in your entire cell system. "I swear to the high heavens — "

"Just hear me out. I did the math — "

"Oh no."

He sighs your name. "I thought about the math and there's a good chance we'll make at least more than double what we would by ourselves. You know how Svthub caps us out with how many solo streams we do per month. But. If you did a few in addition to our collab, you could easily make up for what you had to spend today."

He wasn't wrong. While it was nice that Svthub had policies in place to prevent its camming community from making an unfair and absurd amount of money, it was already halfway through the month. You had successfully hit the average amount you usually do to comfortably cover the routine bills and expenditures. But even if you were lucky to max out, it would not be enough to pay for the unprecedented car repairs — or even worse, another vehicle. And though Soonyoung and your friends were more than happy to drive you around, you still wanted to give them gas money or offer to buy lunch despite their protests. 

You're quiet in deep contemplation the rest of the short drive and Soonyoung's surprisingly patient. You frown when you realize he's parked outside of his new apartment complex. 

"What're we doing here?" 

He shrugs. "It's closer and I'm worried you're gonna get sick if you don't change into something dry soon. You can even stay the night. Besides, Hoon's either locked inside his studio or not home at all. You know how he's been disappearing lately." 

"Maybe he found a significant other." 

"Jihoon? Lee Jihoon? We talking about the same dude that runs away from human interaction like it's the plague?" He pauses in thought. "But he basically just lets me live here by myself so maybe you're right… " 

"It's possible if he found 'the one.'" You make air quotes and then sigh as you eye your best friend's much nicer building through the sheets of rain. "Maybe I should move back to the dorms." 

"Please don't. I swear Chan was experiencing a second-hand high when he came to practice last night. Certainly smelled like it." 

"Just 'cause he was a little uncoordinated doesn't mean he was high. Heard he went out drinking beforehand anyways." 

"Guess I should be pushing them harder," he mutters and you can't help but shudder at his darker tone. 

"Chill out, Mr. Captain. You'll make them cry again." 

Soonyoung was a loud, irritating but loveable goofball day-to-day. Yet when it came to his team, he was a different beast. Firm, strict, and often harsh enough that a few of his younger members have come whining to you. As if you could do anything. It's sometimes hard to picture him as anything else but squishy and sweet, especially when he takes off his jacket to wrap around your shoulders. 

You don't dare to let your mind wander about what he's like during sex. 

"I haven't made anyone cry. Yet." 

"That's because the last thing they want to do is come crying to you. Especially when you were the cause of their tears." You tug at the lapels of the jacket around your body. "Thank you but I didn't need this, I'm dripping wet."

"That's what she said!"

And just like that, he's got you rolling your eyes with his toothy grin and boyish laughter that's muffled once you get out and slam the car door shut. He calls your name to no avail and surrenders to chasing after you. Finally catching up to your fast-set pace because you're stuck waiting for the elevator, Soonyoung nudges your side teasingly. Despite the initial complaint, his jacket is pulled tight over your damp clothes that easily catch the intense breeze of the lobby's air conditioning.

"Can't say I'm not funny."

"It's called 'acting like a child'. I didn't want to ruin the inner side of your nice jacket."

"Hey, it's not a big deal. I'm just trying to help my bestie out. You were shivering and I don't want any perverts eyeing my girl's assets."

You scoff. "Worry more about your own assets, like, don't look now but the receptionist is so checking you out."

An idiot never changes their ways because Soonyoung does look. 

Shooting a lazy smirk that has the poor woman nearly fainting on the spot at the sight. You don't blame her. At least it's easy to ogle him when he's turned away, white t-shirt that's now soaked easily sticks to his well-defined upper body. A delicate silver chain lays against his collarbones while droplets anyone would die to catch with their tongue slide from his jawline down to his neck. You lick your lips the same time he does before he's running a hand through his silver bangs and sending a wink her way. 

So, you punch him. In the abdomen. Lightly. 

Even though he yelps in pain, you're sure your knuckles hurt more from his stupidly ripped abs. You shake out your wrist as you enter the elevator with Soonyoung two steps behind.

"I told you not to look." 

"Telling me to not do something only tempts me to do it even more." 

"Noted. And in that empty brain of yours, don't forget that you have a date," you remind him. Maybe it's a reminder to yourself as well. "Speaking of which, enlighten me how you think this collaboration is by any means a good idea." 

"It'll give you the money you need." 

"I'm not some charity case, Soon. You don't have to do this for me." 

"You're not a charity case, you're my best friend. I'd do anything for you." He takes your hand in his and squeezes it.

Fighting down the butterflies, you rest your head on his shoulder. "You're too good to me."

"Remember that next time you make fun of me." He chuckles when you flinch at his gentle forehead flick as the elevator dings upon the arrival to the designated floor. "Let's sort out the details after we get some dry clothes on, yeah?"

Soonyoung strolls into the shared apartment with you not far behind. He peels off his shirt, flinging it right past your head into the awaiting laundry basket behind you.

"What do you think you're doing? That almost hit me in the face!"

He shrugs. "Jihoon's not home so feel free to get comfortable." The words are barely out of his mouth when you shrug off his jacket and toss it to join his discarded shirt. "Whoa, what are you doing?"

"You said to get comfy. Please, I'm not even naked — which you act like you haven't seen before."

"Huh?"

You cross your arms, refusing to let your gaze drop lower than his pretty eyes. "Did you forget? Communal shower incident? Speaking of which, would you mind if I got a quick shower first? I feel crummy as hell after getting rained on twice."

"Uh, yeah. Yeah. Sure." 

Soonyoung's voice thickens as he visibly gulps at the sight of your clothes that cling to your curves like a second skin. You miss his glazed-over eyes and pupils blown wide as you fuss with taking off your blouse, the thin camisole underneath leaving nothing to the imagination.

"I'll… I'll be right back," he stutters out and backs away slowly, gears barely turning in his brain. "Um. I'll... go and... get you some... uh, clothes. Yeah. Clothes. To change into."

"Thanks!" 

You remain oblivious to his actions because Soonyoung occasionally reacts weirdly when he's reminded that you are a female friend rather than just one of the boys that he hangs out with. It's a particular scratch on his brain and a tightness in his pants but not necessarily in a bad way. You both check each other out. But he's never, ever once acted on it since you've met him until this new suggestion of a collaboration — one that involves sex, no less.

To say you're not thrown off would be a lie. You mull it over as the comforting, hot water washes away the grime, stress, and bad feelings of the day. Technically, it's not necessarily a bad idea. Unfortunately, capitalism runs the world and you need the money. The act of sex with Soonyoung doesn't worry you as much as what will happen afterward.

Stupid feelings.

Yet as you step out of the shower enveloped in the familiar scent of your best friend's shampoo, all you can do is beam like the whipped person you are upon seeing the neatly folded pile of clothes he left on the bathroom sink counter. A loose t-shirt and fuzzy hoodie accompanied by a black pair of boxers. You sigh in comfort at feeling much more refreshed in dry clothes and open the door. 

"Could've just given me some gym shorts, kinda intimate of you to share your underwear with me."

Soonyoung looks up, hiding a fond smile at the sight of you in his clothes behind the can of cheap beer he's sipping on. "Trust me when I say those are cleaner than any of my shorts right now."

"Ew. Please don't elaborate on that. What about those tiger-striped ones I bought for your birthday? Don't tell me you actually wear those," you tease as you plop down on the couch next to him. Only to choke when he pulls the waistband of his gray sweatpants down enough for you to see the telltale sign of indeed, tiger print fabric.

"Wear 'em every stream, baby. I'm telling you, they love it."

"You've got to be joking," you mutter and shake your head, "are we ready to finally talk about this ordeal?"

"I was born ready. So, what're you thinking?"

Your eyebrows wrinkle. "I thought you had this big, brilliant plan."

"Not really. Like, I don't know what you'd feel okay doing with me so I thought you could at least throw some stuff on the table first."

"Oh. Um. I don't know. Maybe something like... mutual m-masturbation?"

"Hm, kind of boring. I mean, isn't that what we technically already do? What's going to make this different?"

"Well... there would be two people on-camera... I... I don't know!" You throw your hands up. "Do you have something better in mind?"

"Actually, yeah. You need the money fast but rushing into this might not be the best idea. We have to learn more about each other. Sexually." Even though you're wrinkling your nose, he keeps talking. "Preferences, kinks, likes, dislikes. You've never really watched me before so why don't you tune into my livestream? I'll give you all the money I make tonight if you do."

"Tonight?" you repeat with a squeak, mouth suddenly dry. "Like, tonight tonight?"

"Got my lucky tiger stripes on for a reason, baby. Ain't no time like the present."

"Oh my god. I... I... "

"Relax," Soonyoung laughs, "you'll enjoy it."

"I... I don't think I will."

"You're totally overthinking it. I can see your brain thrashing in a meltdown state right now."

"This is all very weird, can you blame me?"

"Nah but," he wiggles his eyebrows. "I'll make it worth your while. Just think about all the money I'll pull."

"Right. That definitely sounds sexier."

"Hey!"

"You better make bank tonight, tiger boy. Hard to believe there would be that many people enamored with whatever furry act you've got going on."

"That sounds rich coming from you."

You gasp. "... Have you been watching my streams?" He doesn't answer, simply blinks. Once. Twice. Three times. "How long, Kwon Soonyoung?"

"... Only since my viewers suggested it. I didn't even know it was you though!"

"Ohhhhh my god, no wonder you... Lord. Unlike you, I'm not a furry. They call me Tigress for the aesthetics. Obviously, I'm not going to use my real name."

"Uh-huh, keep telling yourself that. Say, do you really have a tiger lily tatt on your inner thigh?"

"Guess you'll have to figure it out yourself," you jeer, "since you seem to know so much about me."

"Is that a challenge?"

You stick your tongue out, swatting away his hand that sneaks toward your lower body. Soonyoung's never backed down from a provocation but you weren't going to let him win or have the upper hand he seemed to be controlling right now. "No, it is not."

"I can wait." He acquiesces and leans back, now with a smug smile. "I'll have you naked for me soon, anyways."

"If you're lucky," you fire back, "you're going to have to impress me first."

"Trust me, bestie. When haven't I? I'll be sure to have your jaw dropping for me in more ways than one."

You're in your best friend's room on your back and lying on his bed. The only source of light is radiating from the phone in your hands as it loads Svthub's website. Weighing your options, you log out and search for 0riginalTiger69, chewing your bottom lip at the sight of the blinking red dot next to his profile.

What harm could this do?

Probably an irreparable amount of damage.

Your finger hovers over the screen, anxiety filling your gut. It was now or never. With a deep breath, you squeeze your eyes shut and tap the play button. It's silent through your earbuds for a good five minutes and your eyes fly back open thinking you clicked the wrong icon. Ironically, you breathe out a sigh at the sight of Soonyoung in a plain t-shirt paired with his infamous boxers while a "Welcome AnonymousUser75923!" banner scrolls along the top of the screen.

Suspicions confirmed, you make a mental note to tell him that he could turn off that function if he wanted. That is — if you could even look him in the eye after this.

You can't see his face but unfortunately, you do know what it looks like. Cursing yourself for imagining his furrowed eyebrows that match the pout on his lips as he reads the comments popping along the bottom of the screen.

"Horang-HEY to all the lovely kittens joining me this fine evening. Hello CherryScouper_95, why do I still have my clothes on? Ah, that's to keep the suspense! I'm still waiting for a few more to hop on." He leans in closer to the camera, the red welt on his neck catching everyone's attention. "Haha, this? No, it's not a hickey, Jejusb00s but you're free to give me one if you'd like. I just happen to have a mean friend who finger-flicked me for no reason. Now that I think about it..." 

Soonyoung mutters something to himself and pulls out his phone. You jump when yours buzzes.

Soonyoung laughs. "No, 4ngelic_m3nace, I said flicked not fucked. You know I'm not really into that."

You're practically gnawing off your lip at this point, cheeks heating up if you're reading into what he really means correctly. It's actually impressive how he seamlessly texts you and interacts with his viewers. Now you're curious how many times he's replied to people's regular messages during a stream. 

More times than you can guess. 

"Do my precious lil pussycats have any suggestions for tonight? I wanna spice things up and get those nice tips coming in. Go on and talk to me. All your dirtiest fantasies and wettest dreams."

woolove: i wanna be yours and you be mine so we can fuck for days nonstop 🤩

h0rny49yu: lemme lick the sweat off of ur abs 👅👅👅👅

"Woolove, kitten, you know I don't belong to anyone but I'll take you up on that second part. We can go for weeks even." He reads the next comment aloud with a smirk. "My abs, hm?" 

A rapid flurry of comments and monetary pings commence when he teases a scrumptious view of the taut muscles underneath his shirt with one hand, still clutching his caseless phone in the other. The glow of Jihoon's neon light signs contributes to the enticing visual your best friend manages to pull off.

You had been extremely shocked when Soonyoung admitted to using the sacred studio of this generation's genius music producer to stream. At first, you figured that he was just doing it to be polite because he had discouraged you (rather strongly) from going into his roommate's bedroom tonight — a space you often slept in with how often Jihoon was out. But it was in fact the truth, judging by a quick glance of the thumbnails for his other videos on Svthub.

s0turned0n: show us the goods! 💃🏻💃🏻 get naked! 🕺🏻🕺🏻🕺🏻🕺🏻  release the 🍆🍌🥒🍑🎆🧨🎇

AnonymousUser69034: you? on your back. me? on top. hotel? Trivago 💅🏼 

hoshis_d1ck: 1 hour in a room alone n i'll blow ur mind and ur dick 😳👉🏼👈🏼

"Ah, we're getting somewhere. My loyal kitties know I reward well. When they listen to me." Soonyoung cups his chin as if in deep thought. "You're all acting so cute even though I've told you before how dangerous it is 'cause there's no off switch on a tiger… that is, if you can catch me first."

woolove: buying a tiger-size collar and leash rn 💋

"Aw woolove, tip me enough and I'll consider getting it myself. Maybe."

t1ge3r_rat: cage the (derogatory) tiger !!! 

He tries to hide his snort, easily identifying your new screen name, and tosses his phone on the desk in front of him. "Caging? Now that's new. How about something a lil more romantic though? I like playing gentle with my pussycats."

t1ge3r_rat: weak 

Another rush of comments flies past. Littered with cheesy requests, fluffy ideas, and the usual questionable plea. But one, in particular, catches your eye. Not that it's hard to miss.

cumdaywh0ring: 💦💦💦💦💦 SHOWER SEX!!!!!!!!!!!! SHOWER SEX!!!!!!!! 💦💦💦💦💦

Your mind traitorously drifts back to earlier. The momentary sinful imagination of Soonyoung pausing when he placed the clean pile of clothes down on the bathroom sink. A timid glance towards the shower where he hears you humming only to freeze, lips parting at the silhouette of your alluring figure through the curtain.

Shit.

t1ge3r_rat: i second the shower sex 😗✌🏻

"Shower sex, eh?" Of course, the bastard immediately sees your agreement and picks it out of all the others. He grunts, a hand sliding back down past his covered abs to grope at the girth hidden within his tiger-striped boxers. "My kittens do have to be nice and wet for me. All needy and clinging onto my shoulders. Pressed up hard against the shower wall so we don't slip 'n fall."

t1ge3r_rat: safety first!!

dickarawrous420: hot 🚿

CherryScouper_95: even hotter if u took ur clothes off ~ 

8starfucks: we should all be naked right???

"Ah, ah, ah. With my kittens so desperate, I have no choice but to enter the shower with my clothes on. But that's okay because," Soonyoung smirks as he easily pulls his cock out, "I can just do this."

You gulp. It's even more mouth-watering than the quick image burnt in your brain from last week. He spits in his hand and starts with slow, steady strokes. A hiss escapes his mouth when his thumb rubs along the tip that's beginning to leak with pre-cum.

"You'd look so pretty for me, baby. That sorry excuse of a shirt clinging to your perfect tits, nipples poking through 'cause you're not wearing a bra underneath. Naughty," he pretends to scold but it's hardly believable with how far gone he suddenly is in this fantasy. Thick cock already hard. Dancer hips thrusting up to match the rhythm of his hand. 

"Run a finger down where I know you're even wetter. But for a different reason. Hot pussy pressed against my thigh. Shit, you're prolly clenching, poor lil hole so desperate for my cock. Find out you're not wearing panties either. Shockers."

A whimper unwittingly leaves your mouth. You blame it on whatever pheromones he emitted in his room. The overwhelming scent of everything that is Soonyoung. You're drowning in it with no hope for recovery. The alignment of the planets and stars will face your wrath. Hell, even the man himself. It's part of the job but it feels like he's talking directly to you. About you. 

He has to know you have no bra or panties on. He's the one who provided his clothes as a substitute. 

Your back is damp with sweat and you can feel the heat of arousal pooling in your core. You force your entire body to stay rigidly still. Fuck. He's better at this than you thought.

"Shit," Soonyoung growls. His head is thrown back and you can't help but admire the vein running down it. "Rip off those tiny ass shorts and slide right into your sopping pussy. So fucking tight and wet wrapped around me. God, you'd take me in so deep wouldn't you? Stuff you nice and full, baby — just like you like it."

"Shit," you echo as the viewers rush to answer him with the yeses you're dying to admit. You feel lightheaded. "Goddamnit." 

Would it be indecent to touch yourself? Right here in his bedroom? With only one wall separating you? You don't even dare to cross your legs. Trembling hands struggle to keep your phone stable because the low moans Soonyoung is making directly in your ear shoot straight down to your cunt and render your entire body shaky.

woolove: shirt offfffff

woolove: plssss

woolove: wanna touch u directly all over n mark u up

"That so, woolove?" He delays his approaching release by checking the comments. "Don't worry, kitten. I'm sure those lovely claws of yours will do their job properly no matter what I'm wearing. Just be careful when you're putting them inside that empty pussy of yours wishing it was me. Don't want you to get hurt."

NewUser89021: no promises daddy

"Yes, I'm your father," Soonyoung chuckles darkly before it suddenly changes into a light-hearted cackle. He shifts a bit lower, the upper part of his face still hidden. Legs spread wide, granting an even better view of his cock that flops against his covered abdomen. "Kidding, welcome new kittens — just call me Hoshi. I like the sound of you moaning that better."

hoshis_d1ck: hoshi dick supremacy ftwww

t1ge3r_rat: what the actual fuck??

cumdaywh0ring: r we nutting anytime soon?????? i've got plans at 8

He clicks his tongue and resumes light, teasing touches along his length. "Impatient, aren't we? I hope you're touching yourselves at home or I'll have to punish you by dragging this out. So go on, pretty pussycats. Make your tiger cum."

Oh no.

You flip on your side, fearing the sweat and dampness you're sure is now coating your friend's boxers might accidentally leave traces on his comforter. Dread fills your gut when Soonyoung reaches for his phone again, despite the influx of viewers begging for him to breed them. Whether his intentions are to add to the suspense or bother you again, you rush to add a plea to the mix.

t1ge3r_rat: pls pls cum for us

No one except Soonyoung knows what causes the satisfied smirk on his face for him to lean back again but they can definitely see it as he quickens his pace, filthy words spilling out of his lips.

"Gonna let me cum in that dirty hole of yours, baby? Take you right out of the shower and throw you on the bed, fill you up so you walk around feeling me drip out of your pussy for days. Just for you to come and beg for more like the good cumslut you are." 

dickarawrous420: hot

woolove: omgkfjdks i'm so close fjddfj pls fill me up

s0turned0n: 🔥🔥🔥🎆🎇🎆🎇🎆🎇💥💥💥

Fickle fingers toy with your waistband. What if… just what if… one little…

"I'd give it to you, baby. Hell, I'd do anything you wanted. You'd like that, huh? Being treated like you deserve. And I would… shit… you'd be so perfect for me. Made for just for me… fuck!" 

Your hand snaps away from your lower body at Soonyoung's sudden increase in expletives as he finally loses control. You can only watch in awe as white spurts of his release spill out over his cute, tiny hands that continue jerking himself through the orgasm. 

"Hah," he gasps out his legendary tagline, "horanghae, baby."

h0rny49yu: ur so sexci omfg

8starfucks: delicious

wh0ranghae: i think i came the hardest in my life ever

NewUser22234: so hot i think i'm in love

Jejusb00s: i put the sub in subscribed

"I think… that's the hardest I've ever cum too," Soonyoung admits almost bashfully. "Don't fall in love with me kittens, this is one tiger that's impossible to tame."

woolove: wounds me every time 😭😭😭😭

"Sorry, you know how this goes. But, all of you have been so well-behaved for me, it's only fair I reward as promised." 

He giggles and in one smooth motion finally pulls the t-shirt off, displaying honey-colored skin that's dewy from exertion. Using it to clean himself up, it's quickly discarded, thrown off to the side. You gulp at the display of his lean pecs rising up and down from his harsh pants and the two veins trailing from his abs, down his pelvis, and surely up and around…

Soonyoung smirks back at the camera, grasping at his cock again. "Ready for a couple more bonus rounds then, kittens?"

This was all a goddamn mistake.

You're cursing your best friend under your breath, having been muttering dark nonsense for the past day and a half. 

Technically, it's also your fault for getting stupid feelings but you deny all cases of accountability. Fuzzy feelings aside, you hold zero responsibility for Soonyoung having a nice lower package too. 

Fuck. Your hands are shaking again. You set down the tube of lipstick and take a deep breath, giving the reflection in the mirror a firm, reprimanding look to not be so dick-drunk just as your phone rings.

Speak of the devil.

You have no other choice but to accept his video call because it's D-day. Although your hands are occupied at the moment, so he'll have to accept looking at the constellations lit across your ceiling instead.

"Hi! Huh? Hello? Are you there?"

"Hi, Soonyoung. I'm getting ready."

"Are you nervous?"

"Why would I be, this isn't my first show," you say more to yourself than to him.

"Your star projector's on."

"And? I always put it on before I start. It calms me down."

"That's cute." 

You freeze at his words and then shake your head, clipping your earrings in place. It wasn't like he was calling you cute. You hate that all the effort you've put into shielding your feelings is easily cracked apart after seeing his dick. Pathetic.

"By the way, you did get the transfer right?"

"Yeah, I already told you."

"I know but I just wanted to check. With a sum that large, who knows where it might go… you haven't talked to me since."

"I answered all your texts."

"Yeah, but what if someone hacked your phone? Like even now, I could be talking to an evil person imitating your voice."

You sigh, lifting up the phone to show him your face. He smiles brightly and snickers at your frown. "See? It's me."

"I suppose so. Unless you're an imposter Hoon hired."

After trying and failing to sleep, you walked out to see Soonyoung's roommate sipping on his cup of black coffee at some gremlin-only hour. It was unusual for him to return at this time just as it was rare for you to be up. But with Soonyoung snoring away in Jihoon's room, all you could do was apologize. 

He brushed it off, saying there was no need, and instead, inquired why you were awake. You confessed to wanting to go home but your car broke down. He happened to be headed back out for reasons you didn't pry and offered a ride. One you gladly accepted — with the promise to meet for lunch sometime with his new girlfriend — all of which was much to Soonyoung's chagrin.

It's true that you hadn't talked to your bestie directly but you had given brief responses to his incessant messaging. It was easy to blame your aloofness on being busy. Which you were — catching up on assignments, sleeping, and preparing for your next stream. 

"Jihoon brought me back safely of course and you didn't have to give me all of that," you whisper, voice small. "It's too much."

"I told you I would and that was probably my best show ever." He wiggles in excitement although you don't see it because you placed your phone back down. "I'm looking forward to what we'll make together. And I'm looking even more forward to tonight."

"Oh, shut up," you complain, embarrassed, "apparently you've already watched me before."

"Yeah but this is different. 'Cause now you know I'll be watching."

And that was the worst part.

You didn't mention that maybe — just maybe — you binged almost all of his videos uploaded to Svthub. Perhaps to simply fight the incessant heat that hasn't stopped boiling in your core since that night. Possibly another big mistake on your end, a constant mind loop of Soonyoung's obscene whispers now playing in your head.

To salvage what's left of whatever pride you have remaining, you pick your phone up to face him. "What's in your spank bank?"

"Huh?"

"Y'know, like… what gets you going, what you picture in your head? Oh — what're you listening to? I noticed you sometimes wear earbuds."

He tilts his head. "Have you been… watching my videos? You're asking… what gets my dick hard? Is that why you haven't been talking to me?"

Your finger points accusingly at the screen. "You told me to do my research."

Soonyoung laughs nervously, suddenly flustered as he combs his silver locks back with both hands. "I, uh, guess I'm honored. Well, what did you think? Any good?"

"... You didn't answer my question."

"Um, well. I don't know why you want to know but whatever. It's just some… audio porn…?"

"Cool. Send me a few links later." 

"Why?" he sputters at your nonchalant request. Shit, he should've just said music. 

"Just going off what you said about "learning each other's kinks" or whatnot."

Soonyoung chews on his bottom lip. "... Alright. Remember, you asked for it."

"I'm really trusting that you aren't going to send me some extreme furry sex, so don't break the little amount of faith I have in you because that smile's making me reconsider."

"Nah, just think this is all very cute. Seriously. I'm excited for tonight. See you on Svthub in a few?" 

You roll your eyes as you blow him a cheeky kiss and a very dignified middle finger. "See you, original tiger boy." 

TigerLily_61596 is now live! 

The recording light blinks from the webcam as you clear your throat. Viewers are already tuning in and the chime of tips being applied to your account rapidly increases even if all you're doing is sitting on your bed. It's a reminder that by no means are you an amateur to this despite the butterflies swirling in your tummy. 

"Evenin', darlings," you lean forward with your chest squeezed flatteringly between your arms, cleavage on full display. "How're you all doing?"

tigressb00bl0v3r: seeing ur boobs always makes my day a whole lot better 🙏🏻

deathbyd1cks: bbygorl ur tits look so good in that set 😏

crazy4w00: sit on my face pls 😖💦

"Thank you for the compliments." Your hands rise from your lap to play with the bra straps that cause your breasts to jiggle tantalizingly. "A special thank you to deathbyd1cks for the pretty lingerie, it does look good on me."

The best part about camming was the sexy little gifts you received. Of course, they were delivered to a PO box several cities away so it took a bit of time to get to you, but you have yet to be disappointed. Plus, they made your shows all the more delicious — especially when your viewers hungrily got to watch you take off or use something they had bought for you.

Your hands don't leave your upper body, instead drifting down to fondle your tits. Playing with your nipples through the flimsy orange and black material, you continue reading the comments.

kitkat69: getting u something sexci for your next show &lt;3

sugacub3s: would treat u so good if u rode my thigh bby

"I look forward to it, darling kitkat69! But please, save your money if you need it. Don't spend it on me… especially if I'm being bad." Your appreciative smile turns into a smirk. "Crazy4w00 and sugacub3s, I appreciate your offers but I really need something inside me. Big and thick." You pout. "The pillow I've been riding lately just hasn't been enough."

You can't help but admit the truth. Even your fingers reaching deep within weren't enough to scratch such an intense desire but you still needed them for what you had planned tonight. Wondering if Soonyoung had tuned in, you bite your lip at the wetness that soaks your panties at just the thought of him watching. 

You're quick to strip out of the lingerie, not that it was really hiding anything — making sure to show the camera the string of arousal that drips from your cunt to the fabric as you discard the set on the bedroom floor. A tiny tiger lily tattoo (per your username and profile) is on full display, ink prettily scrawled along your hip crease. The viewers eat it up, the sound of tips becoming one long blaring ring of appreciation.

Your pointer and middle finger spread your hole open, seductively showing how it struggles to clench around something. Anything.

"How many fingers, loves? How many do you think this needy pussy can take?"

deathbyd1cks: all of them tbh

sugacub3s: mine would fit in there so well put in 2 baby girl and pretend it's me

whore_that_roars: put in 1 that's all u deserve rn

crazy4w00: lich rally sit on my face my tongue will make u cum faster 😜

beg4u: ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻

beg4u: that means 2 btw

No one can see you roll your eyes although you do bite your lip. Your cheeks heat up ten times more than they already are as you ease just one finger in per who you assume can only be Soonyoung. Fuck. You let out a moan. 

"Am feeling so tight, need to loosen up." You're sure the mic can pick up the light breaths that escape your mouth as you stroke the bundle of nerves inside, thumb circling your clit. "Can I add another? Pretty please?"

sugacub3s: hell yeah

whore_that_roars: no

whore_that_roars: i don't remember giving u permission to touch that cute clit of urs

whore_that_roars: so be patient

m3rs: sexci

beg4u: 👊🏻👊🏻 who are you to run this show

deathbyd1cks: lolol

kitkat69: she's being so good tho i vote yes

whore_that_roars: fine. add 2 more 

beg4u: 🙄 yeah pls

You pause and lick your fingers to lubricate them with your saliva, a contemplative hum at the bitterness on your tongue. "Bet you all wish you could taste me, huh?"

crazy4w00: that's what i've been saying!!!! ik you taste soooo good 💧💧💧

whore_that_roars: is that a promise??

beg4u: 😒 lich rally who even is this rando

whore_that_roars: she said be nice. i'll remember you svthub user beg4u 👁️

"C'mon, don't fight." Three fingers slide into your pulsating warmth and you throw your head back in pleasure at the slight burn before grabbing the vibrator on your nightstand. "I need to cum at least once to fit this bad boy in."

deathbyd1cks: oh it's that kind of night 😏🤭

crazy4w00: 👅 tasty

kingh0ng: shit i'm late 

kingh0ng: but i didn't miss the good stuff fuck yeah

"Oh, we're just getting started, kingh0ng. So? Am I allowed to make myself cum?"

sugacub3s: hell yeahhhhh

beg4u: 💣💣💣💣 

whore_that_roars: do it baby

kingh0ng: got my dick out we're all good to go

Fingers pick up speed, porn-worthy wet sounds filling the room. It doesn't take you long to hurdle over that edge, pinching and pulling at your nipples. Shivers trail up and down your spine when you picture Soonyoung's intense gaze, wondering if his tiny fingers would be able to reach even as far as yours. Not that it matters because the visual of him in your head is enough for another gush of arousal to leak from your trembling cunt.

"God, I'm so wet," you murmur more to yourself because your viewers can clearly see the traces on your thighs. "Shit."

crazy4w00: i'd lick it all up

kingh0ng: i can't cum yet there's more right??

whore_that_roars: will u squirt for me baby? i KNOW you can

"Grab onto your straps, babygirls. Any of you boys as big and thick as this?" 

The silver and glittery, microphone-shaped vibrator shines under the dim fairylights of your bedroom. It jitters to life when you press the 'on' button, flinching at its intensity.

deathbyd1cks: perfect 👌🏼

tigressb00bl0v3r: omfggg yessss

beg4u: i can't vibrate like that 😢 

whore_that_roars: i can certainly try

beg4u: lichrally fighting user whore_that_roars after this

Ignoring the chaos in the comments, you bite your lip. It's one of your biggest toys and possibly bigger than any man's cock, in all honesty. You're sure it might be as thick as Soonyoung but what would you know. Gifted by a dedicated fan, you feel your entire body jerk as you tease your tight hole with it.

Despite loosening up, it's still going to be a hard fit. One hand falls to your bed to prevent your body from collapsing as you continue rubbing it along the outer lips of your pussy and clit. Finally, with an unholy whine, you ease it inside.

kitkat69: shit

sugacub3s: o my fuck

whore_that_roars: baby did you just cum from THAT?

m3rs: cute

beg4u: i just 😵👁️👁💦🧨🎇🎆 

tigressb00bl0v3r: fuck ur so hot

deathbyd1cks: delicious bbygirl

kingh0ng: i thk i blcked out

You laugh weakly between moans, unable to form words. Despite indeed having just cum from the sensations alone, the vibrator continues at full speed — your hips stuttering helplessly as you struggle to grip it in your hand. The depraved picture of debauchery as a trail of drool drips from your mouth.

But you still need more.

Feeling like you're floating in the clouds and extremely ightheaded, your body has a mind of its own. A few more slight wiggles and your eyes are rolling back as the loudest moan you've ever made comes from the very depths of your soul.

whore_that_roars: shit

whore_that_roars: fuck

whore_that_roars: squirt for me baby

beg4u: squirt for US*

crazy4w00: 💦💦💦💦💧💧💧💧 

And you do. 

Ripping the sex toy from between your legs, an absolute wet mess gushes out of your spent cunt all over your bedsheets. Legs shaking, you clamp down on your hand to prevent the name lingering in your subconscious from escaping as the last streams of your release drip down your thighs. Tears are blurring your vision and you sniffle, slowly coming back to earth.

deathbyd1cks: u good tigress????

kingh0ng: i think my dick fell off fr that was hot af

kingh0ng: but yeah, u good?

whore_that_roars: talk to us love

beg4u: square up whore_that_roars

beg4u: hope you're alive tho miss tigress cuz I'm not

kitkat69: LICH rally tigress is always an icon

"I'm… I'm good." You confirm and give them a thumbs-up, panting but smiling lopsidedly. "I… I hope you enjoyed that and thank you for the tips. I'm gonna go… clean up. Catch you later, darlings."

Once you've confirmed that you've turned off the recording and your computer is shut off, you collapse on your bed. Feeling woozy and sluggish, an arm flops across your closed eyes. This was by no means the first time Soonyoung has been in your thoughts during a livestream. Even now after all that, you feel yourself clench instinctively, the feeling blossoming even more because he had been watching you. Talking to you. Commanding you.

Fuck.

You're afraid that once you get a real taste of him you won't be able to let him go. Ever. You'll want him more than he wants you and you're not sure if you can handle that.

But this collaboration is happening. You might as well get the chance to fuck him once in your life than never at all.

Tears wash away in the shower, disappearing down the drain. For the hundredth time, you push down your feelings and let the warm water soothe away the aches and pains instead. Self-care is a must. Fluffy towels dry away the moisture, lotion to keep your skin smooth, and comfy granny pajamas to curl up under your clean bedsheets. Time for a good wallow in your feels.

Your phone lays uncharged on your nightstand and you pick it up, blinking at the several messages from none other than Soonyoung. Dread fills your gut momentarily before opening them, only to gasp in shock at what you read.

God, you were screwed... weren't you?

◇ Part 2

onlyseokmins: September 2022 ©

[cosmoseinfeld]

How was the Sunny Dublin show?!!! Do you have any pictures?

How long was the macdennis segment? Was Glenn shaky on the macdennis "love affair" chat (saw a post on twitter) or was he just doing one of his Glenn bits like from the podcast where he acts like he's not into things before he's honest about it? Did they confirm Honey and Vinegar for s16 or were they just teasing the idea of it in future seasons? Were you able to see their expressions from your seat? (Sorry for being cringe and insane in your asks!)

hiii! sorry it took me so long to reply. I was kind of processing those days and also recovering from covid which i brought as a fun souvenir! (nw, it's all good) I can't possibly tell you how long the segment was but it def took up a good chunk of the show! i was sitting too far away to take good pictures or videos (nor did i want to yknow, kind of living in the moment) but i took this pic of the screen which was up for a satisfyingly long time

I honestly think glenn was just doing one of his "bits" because - imo - he's much more on our side when it comes to the meta level of the show just from how he is talking about dennis etc. I still love how bold rob was by just straight up saying macdennis is a love affair to some. at least, glenn then said to rob "love you, baby!" I remember meg saying it's one of her favourite dynamics but we already knew that. Oh, she also said that the impl*cation scene was put up there against her will and i agree. It's not a macdennis moment and I overall hate it (in parts because it is what dudebros cling to so desperately). I am amazed that they somehow managed to avoid talking about Mac and Dennis break up AGAIN by "letting the audience choose" (which is a fabricated thing because a hyped up audience will cheer and holler for anything) but i will say that Suburbs got a REALLY loud cheer. They played the montage from that and ofc the dinner scene with the "newsflash asshole" moment. Oh, we also had to watch glenn's naked ass on screen. Rob talked about shooting that scene and said how hard it was for him to keep up because glenn was bringing his whole talent to it and rob said he wasn't that good of an actor to keep up. glenn said he's sometimes concerned that there is this psychopathic side to him and that he needs to get that checked. They then played Mortgage Crisis but didn't really talk about it. BUT meg suggested that hugh honey & vic vinegar should make a comeback at some point and rob sort of agreed and so did the audience, so who knows! The segment ended with them playing the impl*cation scene instead of break up and meg saying mac and dennis keeping each other in check is one of the things she loves about that dynamic and that they follow their own specific set of rules.

Overall, it was a very fun show and I am happy I went. The mood was so great, on stage and in the audience. I couldn't see their expressions from up there but I did see rob pulling down his pants to show us his shamrock tattoo, so there's that image... I loved the video cameos by danny, artemis, the lawyer and even uncle jack. Glenn got drunk on stage to the point that rob felt the need to intervene when he got too annoying lmao. Glenn said rob gave him a shot of "tequila" backstage and it might have been the bit that tipped him over - he then got corrected because it was whisky of course (maybe he had flashbacks to the christmas special). They played family fight but it was sooo messy omg... never give buzzers to drunk man-children. Everybody celebrated kaitlin of course and it was... a special experience to hear her and glenn sing the tiny boy song live. Charlie sang a bunch of sunny songs. The one that got me most was "I like life at paddy's pub" of course, especially because the whole audience was singing along. They also had an inflatable tube guy on stage before the show started which I thought was hilarious and weirdly relaxing to watch... Oh, yes before the show started, they had a sunny playlist going on with all the classics like "the boys are back in town" and the ghostbusters song etc. During the intermission, they showed gag reels on screen. Hm what else... Not to burst the bubble, but they also talked about how they couldn't film s15 in Ireland because of covid restrictions, so the on locations shootings took place in california - movie magic! If I remember anything else that's of significance, I'll post a follow-up. I really hope they'll come back to europe soon because i'll def go again. It was so nice to meet other sunny fans IRL and hang out and have a good time together :) i am always amazed how a shared love for a show can bring people together... it's so wholesome. (and you could also sense their love for the show and each other and I think it's great for them to finally get such a direct feedback from the fans)

[fanfoolishness]

Onto chapter 6, The Prisoner, of this silly Mandalorian liveblog!

I like the way they have previously ons for this show; they’re edited really stylishly compared to how clinical those scenes normally are

So what made Din decide to go and help the creepy horrible people again? They reached out to him, or vice versa? How ill I remember things.

Din’s handshake is so loose and weird and I love it, as well as his head shake afterwards

Din reached out to him? This guy was seriously the best option he had? Din??? Did this guy run a cut-rate Guild of creeps?

Din, what did you do to get thrown out by THIS guy???? Din looks legit *abashed* when the guy calls him grateful

How did Din ever join up with these people? Who was long time ago Din? I mean this episode has always raised these questions but I’m just paying more attention now

“You haven’t changed one bit” — passive but bloodthirsty?

“I wasn’t a stormtrooper, wiseass!” Still a great line

Seriously, though, those two were lovebirds... just... how is it possible... Din... how many questionable choices did you MAKE??

Calling Mando tiny? Come on. Xi’an’s barely 5’4. As one shorty to another, I know.

WHAT IS THE JOB ON ALZOC III AND WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT YOU LIKED

She knows who he truly is? Who was he? I want to knoooooow

Mayfeld should be scary here but now we know he’s decent and I just can’t be scared of him holding Grogu anymore

There was clearly *so.* much *restraint* going on there. And guilt, too?  Did you guys get guilt?

Mando, I see you’ve played hacking mini games BEFORE, now have you

Awww Din giving one last look to where Grogu’s hidden <3 <3 <3

MSE DROID CAMEO! MY BUDDY!!!! I love mine

When I was a kid my dad told me MSE droids are the little cleaner droids that pick up the stormtrooper’s cigarette butts

I believed this until I was 13

It’s so fucking cool when he rips out a piece of a droid’s gut and throws it back to kill another one

Ooooooh I like the way Din’s shoulders heave after all that... and his extremely annoyed head tilt

I loooooove how accurate and thus shitty the Republic guard’s uniform is! Now that’s canon!

Part of the Way must be to avoid indiscriminate killing, right? Does Din ever really kill anyone besides stormtroopers and Toro idiot face and indirectly the boss guy at the end of this episode? I mean, he does, but only people who are trying to kill him? It’s not a bad Way.

“You deserve this???” Come on, you guys sucked without him!

It’s so fucking cool with the tether and the droid and our Din is such a damn good thinker on his feet

Also love how he immediately drops the shitty droid gun, it sucks, no point whatsoever in carrying it, our man has standards

Bwahahahahaha the red lights!!! Sooo good

Grogu how do you have no sense you are in danger, do not go hang out with that strange shifty droid

I know you were looking for your dad, but still

These Twi’Leks are one nice family group, eeesh, ahahahah Mayfeld you said it buddy

Din to the beacon to us: “it’s a surprise tool that will help us later”

I mean at least Grogu figured out eventually he should hide, but still —

OMG my man Din is getting the SHIT kicked out of him nooooooo

Could be time for some whumpage :( that has to have hurt, even in the armor!

One of Xi’an’s knives definitely stuck in him. Bleeding? Maaaaaybe so? I mean, in a potential fanfic, anyway

Mando is so good creeping up on creeps

Awww Din kneeling down in front of little Grogu <3 (and of course we all love Grogu staring at his own hand like ‘the fuck’)

So the guy paid him... then intended to blow him up? Just gonna throw that money away? How dumb is that?

Awwww Grogu back in the cockpit!

I forgot the X-wing pilots are the directors awwwwwwwwww so cute!

Din actually SIGHS in relief when they get away, what did these people DO to him

“I told you that was a bad idea!” Din did you seriously consult with the baby on this before you tried it

GIVING THE SILVER BALL WILLINGLY he feels bad the droid almost got him and that he had to have him around those scary people and aaaaaaaawwwwww

Loooove that he didn’t kill them

As usual Ludwig Gorransson your shit SLAPS

Oooh this concept art has a rather thicc Din, I like it

Ahhhh so many story ideas to mine perhaps tomorrow!

[cheseyre]

good news, sluts! my brain's no longer being completely stupid (only mostly), i've seen the new asides and...have some thought-y thot thoughts:

*deep inhale*

Okay, first things first: this art style is soooo fucking cUTE and I'm a jealous, squealing bitch. Anyone who knows who the artist is, could you link me to them, stat? I think Thomas mentioned them at the beginning of the ep, but nYeh, brain hurt, doesn't wanna do wooork-

Okay, I'll admit, I was a little...apprehensive when I first saw the thumbnail and title. Part of it's just me being a bitter Remus Stan, but also...okay, deep breaths, controversial opinion time, get ready:

I don't ship Prinxiety.

Like, at all. 

I can see the appeal, and these dorks were so very, VERY cute in this particular ep, but I was honestly turned off by the ship long ago due to how overwhelmingly popular it is and how some fans characterize these two and treat this relationship as if it's the only valid one, y'know, the works—slight tangent, but that's also why I don't ship Logicality or Remile. I honestly vibe much better with ships like Roceit or Analogical, y'know?

Cutting in for another brief tangent: I'm surprisingly okay with Demus/Dukeceit/Receit/Trashnoodle/Whatever-Their-Ship-Name-Is-Oh-God-Why-Do-They-Have-So-Many-Fucking-Names; maybe it's cause they haven't actually interacted in canon and the fan content gives me such good Gay Disney Villain content, idk man im weird—).

Still, their interactions were both hilarious and sweet and like I said, I see the appeal, it's just not my cup of tea. y'all Prinxiety fans got fucking FED and I'm happy for you nerds. Enjoy ze happy boys!

I guess another factor in my...low-key hesitance when I first saw what the ep was about is that...okay, get ready, another controversial opinion, le gasp: well, I'm not a big Virgil fan. In fact, at times, he swaps places with Patton as my least favorite sides—especially with some of his recent behavior in eps like DWIT (the "prohibit your breathing comment" really triggered me, for example). Sometimes, his attitude, especially around other sides like Roman or Janus, reminds me a little too much of my sister, who I don't have...a very good relationship with. Add to that how the more...intense side of the fandom has a disturbing tendency to turn him into the 'uwu precious woobie emo baby who can do no wrong' while unnecessarily villainizing other CERTAIN sides in the process, and...I think you all see where I'm going with this little rant 😅

However, upon actually watching the ep, he wasn't...that bad? I don't think? I enjoyed watching him be a flustered, disaster-y mess and genuinely excited at the end, his interactions with Roman were nice enough, and him literally pushing Thomas to make a move with Nico despite his obvious panic attack was a nice moment of genuine character development. I like seeing that, that's the good shit right there. And him being all flustered and shit, and smiling so much at the end of the vid was just...well, adorable. This man has no fucking right to be this cute, my god

alsoooo 

pURPLE EYESHADOW

PURPLE EYESHADOW HE LOOKS?? SO GOOD?? WTF?? SLAY EMO, SLAAAAAAAY FUCK, DOES THIS MEAN I HAVE TO CHANGE MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME NOW?

alsoooo 

hAPPY ROMAN

YESSSSS~ MAH BOI MAH SON MAH DUMB BITCH HIMBO PRINCE MAH EXTRA MESSY CINNAMON ROLL

ITS  BEEN SO  LONG

AND HIS LITTLE HEART EYES THROUGHOUT THE VID, OH MY GOD-

IMMA JUST IGNORE THAT "ADDING [MISTAKE] TO THE LIST" COMMENT I AM LOOKING AWAY I DO NOT SEE IT LALALALALA

THOMATHY, SIR, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT MAKING THESE TWO GAY IDIOTS SO BAEBY

Okay, but Virgil not realizing that "cyberstalking in real life" is literally just stalking is both a big ass mood and further proof that, yes, Logan is indeed the only one holding the braincell out of this disaster of a lot. God help them all if he ducks out in the next ep.

👀

And Thomas x Trash Can is my new OTP.  I dub thee ✨ "Trashmas" ✨

we sTAN TRASHMAS

Wait, does that mean Remus actually WAS in the ep? Cause, y'know, trash man?

hmmm

👀 👀 

Okay, okay. 

With how much Virgil and Roman were going off about Thomas constantly lying, I was (understandably) a tad bit disappointed my snek son didn't even make a fucking cameo, but y'know what? In hindsight, I'm okay with this it's fineee~

He was just off playing with shadow puppets and stealing money from us desperate, content-starved peasants with his sheer extra-ness and, honestly? Gotta respect the hustle. 

Get that precious, precious coin, dapper snake! Wring us poor losers dryyyy!

*evil snek laugh*

Also, this is a breather ep and adding Janus in probably would've caused unnecessary drama with the Roceit breakup and the constant antagonism between Virgil and him. It probably would've distracted from the point of the ep (flirting with social anxiety, exactly what it says in the tin)—much like it wasn't really Virgil or Remus's place to show up during POF. Does that make sense? I think it makes sense. Sorry, brain going brr-

Still, I can't believe the "Fuck Janus Sanders" Club is actually canon now 😂

God, first Patton in a skirt and now this. 

Thomas Sanders, you delight in fucking feEDING this gremlin nest of a fanbase, don’t you? You RELISH our screams of joy and pain and suffering, dON’T YOU?

What's next, actual canonical Janus and Remus interaction? Patton saying the fuck word? The Dragon Witch comes back? Janus's bowler hat gains sentience and takes over the world, Doris-style? What do you have planned, Thomas? Joan? WHAT ART THOU PLANNING, I MUST KNOW YOU HEATHENS YOU FIENDS-

And Virgil's little "would it be fair to him" comment, tho.

👀

Like, I get in the context of the ep, he was likely talking about Nico and how it wouldn’t be good for a potential relationship with Tomas to be founded on lies, but still...my anxceit heart aches, man. 

Gimme that sweet, sweet angst with a side of mutual regret and possible future reconciliation and maybe something more wink wink nudge nudge on top, pls

...and fries.

Honestly, tho, that entire bathroom monologue was fucking beautiful, man. And relatable, too—i can't tell you how many times I've talked to myself in public restrooms because I just didn't know how to get the words I wanted to say out. It's...kind of embarrassing, tbh

Speaking of embarrassing, uh, crying stall guy.

Just...

Crying Stall Guy

Like, I was expecting someone to come out the bathroom stall after Thomas stopped talking, but...I honestly wasn't expecting that. God, that whole scene was so cringe worthy and fucking hilarious

Honestly, Thomas in the ep in general was a huge ass mOOD and we collective gay/bi disasters ALL related with him, and if you say you don't, you're either lying to yourself or a demon. 

There is no in between 

sorry I don't make the rules

Like, I get this series is literally a gay disaster talking to himself for thirty minutes or longer, but like- EMPHASIS on the 'disaster' part 😂

Like...Thomas, you're lucky you're such a goddamn bean, because GOD, I cringing so hard when he first started talking to Nico

Although, I too have apologized profusely for genuine mistakes and am a flustered bi mess around my crush sooo

😅

And god, Roman's "thirty = old man" jokes made me feel old...and I literally just turned twenty, like, come on, man!

Maybe that's because I was literally watching this ep after finishing my ACT and had been sitting with a bunch of high schoolers, with their tiny fucking desks and tiny fucking water fountains smeh

*clears throat*

Anyways, uh, we STAN Nico Pintrovert Florés in this house

Like

He gives me such big Carlos from WTNV vibes for some reason and this makes me sooo happy

and YESS, he's a WRITER

And he's??? So sweet?? A pure bean?? Just sits on his laptop at the mall food court all day, like a god-fucking iCON?? A Nightmare Before Christmas fan?? weARS GLASSES??

my hEART

*cries*

The fandom seems torn between "Nicomas" and "Karrot Kings" as a ship name atm—personally speaking, I'm casting my vote for the latter

*crosses fingers* please dont be another janus x remus multiple ship name issue guys, please please please I can't keep track of them all-

*clears throat*

On that note, I'm guess I'm gonna go try and whoo over my crush with carrots now. If THIS disaster can do it and make it actually fucking work, god damnit, so cAN I

Meanwhile, in hell, my brain's just screaming "CANON LOVE INTEREST CANON LOVE INTEREST CANON LOVE INTEREST-"

God, I hope Nico isn't just a one-shot character, he's too pure and Thomas and him are adorable gay Disney fans and I stan

Oh, I wonder how the other sides'll react to him.

Wait.

Oh god.

Oh god.

This ep just unleashed a new fresh hell of potential Nico x Sides ships, hasn't it?

Welp, time to prepare for ze incoming flood of fanfics, I guess. I'll get my umbrella and rain boots.

That last shot of Virgil during the endcard was so fucking ominous oh my god mom im scared can you come pick me up-

Goddammit, Thomas and Joan, I'm NOT fucking ready to be traumatized again, fUCK

I wish I wasn't a broke ass university student so I could contribute to Thomas's gloriously extra Patreon—both so I can support my favorite content creators who make this amazing blessed content and also, to join my boi Janus in fucking  destroying society by giving money to the people who actually deserve it, fuck YOU GOVERNMENT-

Okay. 

Okay. 

New headcanon time as to why Patton, Remus, and Logan weren't in the ep: they were helping Jan film that Patreon promotional video. 

Like

Remus directed it, Logan helped with the lighting and script, and Patton was just there as the cheerleader. 

The reason Janus made a dog with shadow puppets wasn't just to flaunt his deity status and prove how he is truly above us mere wretched mortals 

despite that being the absolute truth and we all know it, don't lie to yourselves

No, it was really him trying to do something cute and silly for Patton, because Moceit rights, daMMIT

*inhales*

noww 

guys, gals, and nonbinary pals

it’s time forr

the most wonderful time of the yearrr

WAITING FOR THE NEXT EPISODE

Step right up, folks! Hear ye, hear ye, my prediction for the next episode: Prinxiety v. Moceit! With special guest stars: Karrot Kings vibing in adorable gay and Intrulogical, bitter at being excluded aGAIN

Who will win? Who will lose? 

here’s a hint: we all will because in this sick twisted game they are no winners only losers-

Place your bets, folks! ✨

Haha im not readyyy~

tl;dr

this episode has cleared my skin, watered my crops, and ended my suffering—an adorable calm before the... angsty fucking shitstorm that’s coming far too soon. Prinxiety stans, enjoy your food. Place an 'F' in the chat for me and my fellow grieving Remus stans. Trashmas is the true OTP, but Karrot Kings is cute too I guess. I've only had Nico Florés for 24 minutes, but if anything happens to him, I'll kill everyone in this room and then myself. Purple eyeshadow Virgil makes me question my sexuality aGAIN, and happy gay disney prince rights y'all. Say a big ole 'fuck you' to capitalism by giving your local dapper snake moneys. Concussion makes brain go brr and imma go buy some carrots and be gay now.

psst hey @quarantinevibes2020​ you wanna join me in being disaster-y? i’ll bring my best gay stare and you bring the wine

Until next time, my lovelies! ~ Ches 🖤

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

same! we were supposed to go last year, but we might actually go this year cause it been a really long time. i haven’t lost any close family to covid, which makes me really lucky. i’m so sorry to hear that you have.

(wait you’re friend was like 12 or 13 when she got married? i know it shouldn’t be that surprising given it’s India, but that doesn’t make it any more okay. i hope she’s doing okay though.)

i’m not too close with any of my uncles to confirm if that’s true though, tbh all my uncles kind of creep me out. but i can confirm that any indian man gets all the info from his wife lol

they did nico so dirty with the official art and don’t even get me started on annabeth. i’m glad the rick got the viria art licensed for his use though!

just bare acknowledgement that isn’t negative in telugu media is so much to ask for. i’m glad that dancee has it though- i might watch it!!

i still have a diary that I’ve been writing in since i was like 12 and it’s so fun to go back and read like gossip about all my old friends and the things that made me excited. it’s actually really helpful every time i get overwhelmed cause writing things down distracts me.

ahhh i forgot how jealous alec was in the books, especially in the mortal instruments! i do love the little cameos they had in the other series though. like in the infernal devices, magnus talks about how his type is black hair and blue eyes and then he ends up with alec (chefs kiss, good job cassie). i love their kids too, but i think the wedding in the books was a bit rushed. i know that in the show they do get married, but like there’s a whole plot line before that where alec has an arranged marriage to a woman and stuff so idk if I’d ever watch it lol.

i think we can formally declare this as a letter just for the fact of how long these are (i love it though! its like having multiple conversations at once).

i never thought of 5’8 as tall until i went to india and all my relatives were half my size lol. also sometimes i forget people online are like real humans, so now i’m trying to imagine you as a person but all i can’t think of is a literal 5’2 tree. anyway irl you would like be so tiny!! *crouches down awkwardly to give you a hug*

mwah (a sickly kiss cause i just got my second dose of the vaccine)

- indi <3

no, its okay, its just that im from rural areas so its pretty bad there.

(she turned 14 when she graduated and was married right before she turned 15, so thats not that great. my family's been keeping a lot of info about it from me so im worried, but i know someone wouldve told me if something happened. its sort of a helpless-til-something-happens scenario, so theres not much i can do)

lmao, yeah, for some reason im really close with a few of my uncles, so i get so much gossip from them. idk, i always migrate to the dads at indian functions, its the best place to be

omh no, nico was sooo ugly, like no sugarcoating about it, he was very very blech. later with his version of the magnus chase characters, i was like hmm okay not bad especially alex was pretty nice, but overall, i like fanart much better than the official art. aru shah was much, much better about that, specifically aiden looking Like That, definitely indian input on that

no yeah definitely. i just finished the first season, i dont think theyve done the second one yet, and theres one direct homophobic joke in one of the dances, and one as a little skit thing, so two out of the 47 episode first season isnt that bad! i skipped a few other skits though, so there may be more, but honestly who is watching those skits anyway.

lmao same, i have a diary ive been keeping since i was ~eleven, but i keep forgetting about it. like ill make one entry each day for a week and never again for two years, and repeat. i like writing out my thoughts and everything, so every time i remember that, i write in it, but otherwise not really. honestly, nowadays i dont even have time for it lol

AHHH exactly!!! when magnus is like hmm blue eyes, black hair is my type and straight up says not will fucking herondale though, and then later in the mini-series meets edmund with the same and cant help but help him, and then james with gold eyes and he's like gotta stay away from herondales even though theyre all my type and then alec with blue eyes and black hair but a LIGHTWOOD and hes like oh. oh fuck it all i just adhajshka i love it so much

i agree though, the wedding was a bit rushed, but the whole theme of it and everything was stunning, and especially since it felt like they got married as soon as they were allowed to, it was like ☹🥺 they just wanna be together forever 😭 but i think the plotline of the marriage was in the books, but it was at an engagement and alec was like ha no and made out with magnus. i think it was a lot sweeter in the show than it was in the books, the books were more panicked oh my angel im in love with magnus quick kiss me its an emergency

we can definitely declare this a letter, and i completely agree! it feels like i can talk about fifty things and once and you'll respond with fifty answers, its kind of amazing.

i am such. a smol tree. jusst a leetle boy. tiny tiny branches. *shakes in the wind* no DONNT WORY i am oka 👍🏽

mwah mwah (congrats on the vaccine!! now we can kiss for real :D i should be getting vaxxed near the end of the month, but we'll have to see!!)

love you indi <3

[shizekarnstein]

At first I had doubts about posting this bc as a prequel fan I GET how annoying is to have to read and listen as so many ppl at once make fun and nickpick everything about a movie you like but... god was this bad. Like so so bad.

Lets start with the opening credits. I honestly start laughing right there. Palpatine pulls as Moriarty and leaves a threatening message announcing his return and im ????? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN AND WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME INSTEAD OF S H O W I N G AAAAAAH. As soon as I saw that I knew I was in for an unconfortable ride.

I'll try to make this short.

Things I liked: aka the Good.

For the first time in years C3PO was actually funny? He made me laugh fulltime.

The new droid. Protect it pls.

Reys training montage.

Hans cameo. Especially his I know.

Luke and Leias flashback even if kind of contradicts everything about ST Leia but more on that later.

Force ghost Luke.

?????

Oh god I can't think of anything else????

Lando and his like three lines.

Oh I supposed all the people arriving to end the new sith fleet or whatever was cool if kind of unrelevant. Yes disney we know it's up to us regular people teaming up to put a stop to tyrannical regimes but the OT already told that. And better.

Palpatine's evil bitch energy. On that note I also liked Hux petty and dramatic energy.

The seeds for Kylos conflict were there more or less for the wholr three movies so AT LEAST that arc felt somewhat logical. Even if the execution leaves a lot to be desired.

At least the final shot was pretty??????

Oooh and Chewie's medal.

Things I didn't like: aka the Bad.

Lack of any semblance of glue connecting the story as a whole. For me at least it felt like a lot (and I mean a lot) of disconected threads and plot points one after each other.

John is a phenomenal actor but omg the "trio scenes" are horrible. I tried but I couldnt feel a single thing watching them. Their lines also felt so empty to me. In general I didn't connect with any of tje dialogue.

Finns arc is?????? Horrible.

Same as Poes (even is Oscar is like extra sexy this time around). Please stop trying to make him the new Han Solo.

Rose. Like cmon she deserved a better role.

The whole lets erase 3pos memory arc.

Rey can use force lighting.

Honestly I hated all the storylines.

Rey and Kylos fight in the watery version of Mustafar.

Palpatine is... just there. No explanation whatsoever.

REY PALPATINE.

His weird ass ritual like sooo unnecesary pls.

The force reviving people just bc rip Anakin.

It's not as if they didn't have the budget to make all the forces ghosts they wanted so WHY ONLY VOICEOVERS IM SO MAD.

The exegol plot was just such a mess. And boring. This is one of my major problems with the movie: I had never been so bored watching sw in my entire life. I almost fell asleep multiple times. Why.

LEIA BEING A JEDI CONTRADICTS LIKE EVERYTHING OF THE PREVIOUS MOVIES LIKE. AND HER REASONS FOR QUITTING IM. It was all in vain. Also omg they should have killed Leia in TLJ and be done with that bc her scenes in ROS are so so messy.

How they rushed Kylos redemption like. Well you healed me and my mother died and after interacting with this hallucination of my father (whom I killed btw just bc for the evil lols) I guess I don't want to opress the galaxy anymore.

Rey returning to Tatooine to bury the lightsabers pls.

REY PALPATINE.

Also wtf is that narrative: we, the palpatines, love our daughter very much. So we are going to sell and abandon her. For her own good.

Also ew Palpatine had a biological son. Who apparently wasn't as important as his granddaughter or something.

ASSPULLS EVEYWHERE.

And now the Funny:

C3PO is the MVP. srsly he was the only character I liked in the whole movie. What a legend.

Kylos new mask with red veins like omg I was laughing so hard

HUX BEING A PETTY BITCH AND ONLY CARING ABOUT KYLOS RUIN. AND THEN HE FUCKING DIES. I stan.

When they ran out of Carrie Fisher footage and compensated by throwing some pillows under a blanket and tried to make me feel something for "leias body".

The mustafar watery edition.

Rey being so angry all the fucking time.

Finn in general was a joke. Sorry finn fans.

The dialogue was so forced I coped by laughing all the time.

Palpatines evil lair.

THE KNIGHTS OF REN WERE SO USELESS OMG.

The tiny alien whose name I forgot.

Chewies resurrection.

The final showdown.

REY PALPATINE.

Guys I can't wrapped my head around the fact PALPATINE FUCKED.

When Ben dies and zaz his and leias bodies dissapear I laughed so hard the guy who was sitting at my right (who btw fell asleep in the middle of the movie 😂) startled.

So as you can see... i had to use humour as a coping mechanism to even endure this movie. They truly ruined Anakin and Luke so I guess the ot and pt are a waste of time. Anakin didn't destroy palpatine. Leia and the rest couldnt do shit to at least preserve the so hard won peace. Also rip padme im sorry the secret spell to revive the dead was invented like 50 years later.

[a-decent-steve-coogan-blog]

Which movies would you recommend new Steve fans watch to get into his range, comedy, and personality?

Honestly… these questions are the greatest! They make me thinking on sooo hard :DThank you for toning the question down only to movies, because he’s TV shows are from another world! :O :D

Of course I have to say watch all of them!!! :P But you don’t have to ;)What I recommend…? Oh God! Plenty! If you’re into reading then here we go!

I can only recommend stuff that I loved very much. My favourite roles of Steve are the ones where you can feel his hidden talents… dunno how to explain it better. He plays some roles like they have to be played but during that you can sense that he’s much more than that. I think he’s an expert of his facial expressions, his voice and (comedic) timing. And I love detecting his little glimpses of his brilliance in these roles.

For lighter stuff: Around the World in 80 Days and of course the Night at the Museum movies. And while you’re there, guess what! He played another miniature toy soldier before who magically comes alive in The Indian in the Cupboard. Can you name any other actor who played something so unique twice?

Early cutie stuff: Revenger’s Comedies, Parole Officer. He’s young, he’s cute, he delivers fun as he’s searching for his way as a movie actor.

Steve’s love project: Philomena. No comment. Watch it and you’ll know what I’m talking about. I’m very proud of Steve for this one! The way he carried out this project from an idea to an Oscar worthy movie shows his brilliance!!!

Solid gold Steve: Those roles in which he’s simply just a paid actor in a movie with some big other names, he can actually humiliate with his professionalism. The Dinner with some mental health issues and serious monologues, Shepherds and Butchers with a very heavy subject and awesome African accent, The Professor and the Madman with a perfect Victorian era English gentleman Steve next to Mel Gibson. I’m also a big fan for his smaller cameo parts, like in Irreplaceable You, or Rules Don’t Apply. Tiny roles with big fun!

Out of control Steve: Coffee and Cigarettes, Mindhorn. I feel like in these movies he can be totally himself. I think he formed these characters as he wanted. Maybe I sound crazy but I can see some truly mad sparks in his eyes in these :P

His American “jerk” roles he hates but I love: What Maisie Knew and Ruby Sparks. Ever since these movies I have a major soft spot for jerk-role-Steve. He’s brilliant in those too but be careful because he’s so good, you can easily hate him ;) But if you want comedy than I recommend Our Idiot Brother. Steve and Paul Rudd together for the first time and being a comedic-jerk is Steve’s forte! And not to mention… you can see him naked in this one ;)

Fun with Rob Brydon: They always agree that they’re not a double act, but come on! Everybody love them together! Start with Cock and Bull Story before diving into The Trip series. Pure fun, especially the improve scenes. They’re both brilliant and very good together. They’re bringing the best out of each other, plus you can see how Steve sometimes fails to be so prescribedly strict.

Gay characters: Happy Endings, Ideal Home. It’s always interesting to watch him in gay roles. He doesn’t force them, he’s not overacting like some other rookie actors often wrongly do. These characters are not too much but totally relateable. I love how he plays with his face, voice and his whole body language in these movies.

Voice acting: Despicable Me 2, Secret Life of Pets. I looove his character voices and so does he ;) Also I love his honesty about them, when he admits that these roles pay very well :P And I can imagine… :O

Looking forward to: Not gonna lie, I love it when he’s the main character in a movie. After a very funny and indie Hamlet 2, and recent movie Hot Air, I can’t wait for Greed!

Do you guys agree? :)

[kyufiber-moved]

do you have an kdrama recs? specifically ones on netflix or hulu?

all of the following will b available on netflix !!

strong woman do bong soon - tiny girl with supernatural strength gets hired by her dream company’s ceo to be his bodyguard as a serial kidnapper roams seoul (its a mix of fucking HILARIOUS, suPER cute, and a little scary!!! highly recommend)

accidentally in love - a girl who’s been raised by her wealthy grandfather flees an arranged marriage and goes undercover at her parents’ old college to find out more about them, meeting an idol and several new friends there (its a cdrama but SOOO cute omg. characters can get kind of annoying but stick w its a great show)

something in the rain - a woman falls in love with her best friend’s younger brother and they secretly navigate a relationship (it can get angsty but the first three eps r super cute,,, i haven’t watched past the 4th ep tho so KSJD i think its a p cute show tho)

spark - an idol and a mistreated girl behind the scenes get struck by a falling star; the idol static shocks everyone and everything he touches, except when she’s touching him (not v well known and not a sUPER good show but its rly cute and features some of pentagon! yeo one is a primary side character and some other members make cameos

a love so beautiful - a girl has a crush on her stoic and cold neighbor, but eventually he softens and falls for her (this is NOT a itazura na kiss remake pls be noted !! it is similar in some aspects but it is NOT a remake. anyway its super cute ((very long tho)) and does have a satisfying romance, altho it goes back and forth)

oh my ghost - a ghost with no memories of her death who desperately wants to lose her virginity merges with a host whom she finds she can’t separate from at will: a shy dishwasher with a crush on her strict boss (is super funny but as it goes on turns into a bit of a thriller drama)

meteor garden - a 2018 chinese boys over flowers remake !! (very long but also sOOO GOOD omg)

and i heard my first first love is good but i haven’t seen it yet !!

[hiraethstill]

THIS WEEK ON DAIYA NO ACE (7/30)

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!

LIVEBLOG:

mochi... you care so much and i love you

and miyuki does too

BOI AND BOTH OF THEM CARING ABOUT EIJUN AND GETTING HIS MESSAGE

man... im not okay

im n ot okay

god kurami WHY YOU GOTTA ATTACC ME FIRST THING

their cheeky bastard while secretly caring dynamic im

breathes heavily

and making each other feel better through joking

still not okay

furuya apologized? okay okay

lmao furusawa sniping at each other

eijun... maybe part of the reason you are how you are is because you put so much on your shoulders

"the part about you sucking is true" oh dear

asakuki faces always priceless haha

BLESS WATANABE HISASHI

"nabe-san" im SOFT

and ive been told -san is more respectful than senpai sOOO

AWAAH MANAGERSSS

WAIT

OMG

IM

NO

SCREM

AAAAAAAA

NABE-CHAN???????? 

N A B E  F U C K I N G  CH A N ???/??/???

MOCHINABE R I G HT SSSSSSSS

okay but i'm proud of angery child anna and her huge rice ball

they really doin kuki dirty with this animation

HSKDJGH TAKU LMAOO

ah yes masashi i feel this on a spiritual level

wHY IS ASADA SO HECKIN CUTE

whoever's on the mound is ace huh

yess jersey numbers gone

hansom boyos

oh they HAD to put takatsu there...

i live when kurami is in a screen together, which is like always

NABE NO HONORIFIC

HOW MANY BOYFRIENDS DOES NABE HAVE LMAO

"CAN I COME TO YOUR ROOM LATER" lmaooo

I LOVE NORI SO MUCH

ooh pretty eijun shot

NABEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

MIYUKI DAS GAY

NABE COMPLIMENTING SAWAMURA

more pretty eijun

im sobbing, eijun always thinking he doesnt meet expectations and everyone else knowing he outshines them 

COMMUNICATE TO HIM PEOPLE

lmaooo zono

also kurami das gay

MI Y U K I

DAS G A   Y

AAAAA TETSU-SANNNN COME BACK AND NOT JUST IN NARRATION

hiranocchi... are you suddenly kise ryouta, mei?

THAT "WHAT??!!" IM MCFUCKING DYING

lmao miyuki's teacher voice came out

INAJITSU BATTERS DOIN JOBSSS

ITSUKI WTF THAT WAS TOO CUTE YOU'RE BANCELLED

nori pitching for practice!!

yes eijun get in that work

SHKDGJSDG EIJUN'S FACE IN MIYUKIS ROOM

AND WHEN DID ALL THESE PEOPLE GET HERE

oh koushuu

omg teacher miyuki strikes again

tbh i want a fic where miyuki is a teacher...

the pitchers are so :0 and :| idk how else to explain it but they're so focused its so cute

koushuu buddy wyd get in there

I LOVE THE FIRSTIES BEING SO IN AWE OF EIJUN

W

WA

WAI

WAIT

C

CH

CHR

CHRI

CHRIS

CHRIS-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN

I MISSED YOU CHRIS-SAN

HE LOOKS EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL WTFFFF

and miyuki is there on the side too hehehe

god i forgot how lovely and deep and gentle/quiet? chris's voice is

SCREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM

EIJUN STILL THINKS ABOUT CHRIS-SAN'S WORDS

EIJUN STILL LETS THEM GOVERN HOW HE PLAYS BASEBALL

IM NOT OKAY

CALL THE AMBULANCE I AM  N    O     T OKA Y YYY

C HRISAWA

AND TETSU-SAN OMGGGGGGGGGG

WHYYYYYYYY

TANBA-SAAAAAAAAAN

WAIT tanba's words sound awfully like what kataoka said earlier

who was drawing from who?

"seep deeper" i MIGHT ACTUALLY CRY

"and become a part of me" I AM T HIS FUCKING CLOSE

BREATHES

OKAY

OKAY

beautiful

also itsuki batting great!!

I WAS LITERALLY JUST THINKING "WHEN WILL I SEE MY OTHER INAJITSU BOIS"

ay inajitsu win!

aw man amahisa didnt pitch? :c

best pitcher in japan? somewhere in the bg hongou is laughing his ass off

im sorry that was rude

but hongou really is the best

lmao koushuu "i like the look in your eyes" is gay

HMM.... koushuu wanting to be as candid about his desires

love that in a character

omg blunt as always"your behavior yesterday was quite good" this paired with the thing about desire and liking the look in your eyes screams kousawa rights lmaoo

koushuu bls - don't tell your senpai off damn lmao

harder to read might be harder sure, but eijun doesnt really work that way, no?

"you do rate me" "lets drop everything between us" WHY DOES THIS KEEP GETTING GAYER

KOUSHUU'S IMAGINATION STRIKES AGAIN

THIS GROWL AHAHAHA

"i havent earned the right" okay while this is sweet youre gonna have to catch for him more bc miyuki aint around for much longer so better start earlier

wow pretty

LMAO "WE HAD A REALLY GOOD THING GOING"

koushuu the emo

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

THEY

THEMST

THEMSTDVE

WHERE ARE THE ADOPTION PAPERS I SIGNED LONG AGO

THEYRE SO TINY IM

OH MY GOD

IM LOSING MY GODDAMN MIND

BLUSHY KOUSHUU AND CHEEKY TAKU BUT L I TTLER

THE LITTLE GIGGLE IM DEVASTATED

LITTLE TAKU'S VOICE

hmmst koushuu's mom looks white tbh

half like chris and carlos????

koushuu unbearably cute and i just noticed taku has different glasses, no? wonder what happened to the old ones

wow look at koushuu's grim determined face

and taku's expression... he'd follow koushuu to the ends of the earth im telling you...

damn son that's some face you got thereso dramatic tho pls dont die

taku's little "wuh?" sound when koushuu said he was going to seidou is the Cutest Thing Ever

"kind of??" LMAO

boi... what about nori... and kaneda... and kawashima........ SEIDOU IS INTERESTING PITCHER LAND

SOBBINGGGG OF COURSE YOU CAN ENJOY IT DONT LET THE PAST HAUNT YOU

I LOVE YOUUUU

also highkey all those miyuki shots from koushuu's perspective das gay

SOBSSS YOUR STRENGTH WILL TAKE YOU FAR I SWEAR

preview

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ALL THESE KUKI SHOTS

IS IT INTRASQUAD NEXT

IM SO READY IM SO HYPED

SHOW ME ASADA'S CURVEBALL AND KUKI'S PITCHING

AAAAAAA IM SO HYPEDDD

SUMMARY:

kurami Feels

furusawa yelling about who lost bigger

nabe has 238203 bfs

jersey #'s gone

Miyuki's Teacher Voice

EIJUN STILL THINKS ABOUT CHRIS-SAN

ALUMNI CAMEOS

inajitsu win!

KOUTAKU BUT SMOLER

koushuu the Emo Gay

kukis next week!

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

[timelord-winchester-22b]

Big trouble in a small package

Sooo..... I spent a while on this one so I don’t think it’s my best and it doesn’t feel like it has a real ending. But then again I didn’t think Driving Lessons was my best and it appears to be everyone’s favourite sooo.....

This is from the request by anon for 90 “Catch me if you can!” with Eleven in which the Doctor takes the reader on a date for her birthday and she eats something weird and gets turned into a little kid. Well it was something along those lines but not, like, word for word. Anyway, here it be.

Word count: 2476

Allons-y!

(Alphie was kinda cameo-d so I had to put him here. Plus it was the best one of Eleven with a kid I could get)

“Come along, (Y/N)!” The Doctor called excitedly, tugging you along.

“Alright, alright” You laughed. “Geez, it’s my birthday and you’re the hyper one” You shook your head.

“I just want to make it cool for you” He insisted with a pout.

“It will be cool” You assured him. “I know it will be”

“Good, now come on, we’re almost there” The Doctor gave your hand another tug as you reached a rather fancy restaurant. You looked around in awe at the high ceilings that held not lights, but glowing stars and galaxies. It was certainly a different sight to the two suns outside. The place seemed to stretch on for miles and you weren’t fully sure you could see the back. The tables looked to be grown out of the ground the same as the roof supports were. You didn’t even notice the blue-skinned hostess leading you to a table until the Doctor began to lead you along, too caught up in admiring the place. The woman placed the menus down and gave the two of you a smile before leaving you be.

The Doctor pulled your seat out for you and you smiled and blushed slightly as sat down and let him push it in for you. It was only when he sat down across from you did you notice his incredibly smug smile.

“Cool?” He asked coyly. You laughed.

“Yeah, really cool” You agreed, getting a grin from him in return. You browsed your menu for a longer than you’d ever done, asking the Doctor what every item was. He was more than happy to explain, giving recommendations based on what he knew you liked from both Earth and intergalactic foods you’d tried. The meal was rather lovely and you found yourself quite enjoying the strange-looking substance that the Doctor convinced you to order. It was after desert that you began to feel rather strange. Like nothing you’d ever felt before. Like you’d eaten something that had gone bad but accompanied with a vague tingling all over your body.

“Are you alright (Y/N)?” The Doctor asked in a concerned tone, noticing your frown.

“Yeah… just feel a little off” You admitted. “Probably just not used to the food. I’m just gonna go to the bathroom” You told him. He nodded as you stood and headed to the closest bathroom. He waited patiently for five minutes and thirty-four seconds, knowing that human females sometimes took a lot of time in the bathroom. But he’d had so much else ready to show you. It was still your birthday and he had a mental list of things to do for you.

All those things disappeared from his mind though when he heard a scream. The Doctor jumped up immediately and ran towards the source without hesitation. People were standing and looking around all over the room, some also running towards the sound. His hearts skipped a beat when he noticed there was a crowd just outside the women’s bathroom. But the voice was so much younger, it couldn’t have been you… could it? He pushed his way to the front, stopping in shock at the sight he found when he got there.

The scream had come from a little girl who looked maybe four. She had silent tears streaming down her face and looked terrified at the number of adults surrounding her. She babbled something out, seeming to get frustrated as she tried to pronounce her words correctly, but no one understood what she was saying. The Doctor knew in any situation like this you’d be the one trying to get down to the girl’s level and seem less scary so you could ask her what was wrong. But there was no one beside the young girl. In fact, she screamed every time someone came near her. Then there was something else very obviously wrong. The girl wasn’t wearing any clothes, instead being draped in clothes far too big for her. Now the fact that she seemed to have your clothes held tight in her fists didn’t seem like much, until he noticed that the little girl looked just like you.

The child scanned the crowd with a small wail until her eyes landed on the Doctor. The wet (E/C) orbs widened as she found him and she held her hands out to him immediately.

“Dac-tah!” The child squealed, waving her arms around until he moved forward to kneel down in front of the girl.

“(Y/N)?” He asked hesitantly. The child gave a small nod, sniffing away her tears. There was no mistake, this child was you. And she was about to start crying again. The Doctor flailed a moment, unsure what to do in response to the tiny crumpled face and wobbly lip. He decided to pick you up, hoping that you would be calmer if he was closer to you. It seemed to work when adult-you was scared, and the four-year-old you shouldn’t be any different, right? He shushed you softly, bouncing you up and down like he’d done once before with his own children. The crowd was dispersing now, content that he was your caretaker and had found you alright. Though some were still shooting the two of you worried or sympathetic glances.

The Doctor looked down at you as you quietened, sniffing slightly.

“Now what could have caused this?” he wondered out loud. You blinked up at him, tilting your tiny head slightly. He found himself wondering why he’d not thought little you would be so cute. You seemed to realize something and started tugging on his collar, the closest piece of clothing in reach. You were babbling quickly and unintelligibly. He blinked at you, surprised. He could speak baby but this was the part he had trouble with. The point where children stop speaking baby and start speaking unintelligible adult languages.

“I- I don’t…” He shook his head slightly, making you lean forward and rest your head on his shoulder with a sigh, something he knew always meant you were becoming frustrated. You sat up suddenly, seeming to have some kind of idea. You shifted in his arms so he held you higher and managed to reach up to place a tiny hand over his cheek. He realized what you were doing, reading your surface thoughts with a frown until he realized exactly what had happened. The food.

The Doctor’s mind was hard to get into if he didn’t want you in there, and you knew he’d be keeping you out especially in your small form. But that didn’t mean you couldn’t feel his more prominent emotions. So when every thought you could reach darkened with anger you pulled back with a small squeak of surprise, nearly causing him to drop you. He steadied you quickly, keeping you from falling as he sighed.

“Alright, I guess we need to find some way to fix you then” He conceded. You gave a curt nod, babbling something along the lines of ‘you’d better hope so Spaceman’. With that, you let yourself fall forward on the Doctor’s chest with a soft thud and were out like a light. He blinked at you in surprise, knowing immediately you had fallen asleep. He let out a breath of relief, knowing for sure, especially with your personality and what he had heard of child you, that he’d be able to cure you a lot quicker if you were sleeping. Maybe, just maybe, you might sleep the whole time.

If only he could be so lucky.

Turns out, you never slept long. It was only an hour later when you woke up. By then he had managed to get you back to the Tardis and in bed in a modified version of your room. Same walls and bed but it was filled with toys and coloring books instead of your collection of alien artifacts and everything else you owned. He knew you wouldn’t be happy if you got older again and had broken half the things in your room.

The Doctor was in the library trying to figure out what would reverse the process when there was a crash from the other side of the room. He dropped the books in his hands and rasher over to find out what had happened. He frowned slightly when he found a pile of books had fallen off the shelf. He gathered them together and put them all back up on the shelf just as another crash caught his attention further back. He frowned again, quickly finding that another shelf was losing its books. He glanced around, confused until he saw you disappearing around one of the shelves from the corner of his eye.

The Doctor sighed, shaking his head as he moved silently around the other end of the shelf you were hiding behind. You were at the other end of the shelf facing away from him. The tiny pyjamas the Tardis had provided for him to dress you in were (F/C) with the pants dragging around your ankles and the sleeves hanging slightly off your wrists. After a moment you peeked around the corner, glancing around for the Doctor, who you’d thought was still on the other side. You turned back and squealed in surprise to find the man you were looking for right behind you. He kneeled down in front of you and placed both hands over your shoulders so you couldn’t run off just yet.

“I thought you were sleeping” The Doctor chastised gently.

“Sleepin’ is boring!” You told him.

“I’ve been telling you this for years and now you agree with me?” He asked in disbelief.

“Sleepin’ is boring” You repeated with a grin. “Les’ go somewhere cool”

“Afraid we can’t (Y/N)” He told you, hesitating slightly at your sudden pout. He gave no indication it changed anything however, as he knew you’d never let it go if you thought you were close to breaking him in any way. “Not with you as little as you are. You’ll get yourself hurt”

“But Doc-tah I’m bored” You whined, pouting at him once again. He frowned at your sad expression but shook his head again all the same.

“You can’t leave the Tardis” He declared firmly. “But your room is full of toys and I’m sure Sex- uh, the Tardis could put a movie on or something”

“Will you watch a movie with me Doc-tah?” You asked hopefully. The Doctor sighed again.

“(Y/N), I’m trying to work on fixing you right now” He tried to reason. “If you could just…”

“No!” You complained adamantly. “No fix! Watch movie!” The Doctor’s gaze fixed on a spot over your shoulder on the wall, as if he didn’t want to look you in the eye. You grinned, knowing that this was something he tried with grown up you. Whenever you pulled out the puppy-dog eyes he was instantly moments away from cracking and he seemed to think not looking at you would help. It never did. His eyes flickered back to you and you amped up your pleading pout.

“Alright, alright” He sighed, standing. “We’ll watch one movie together, then I’ll get back to work and you can play with something the Tardis can set up for you” You jumped up and down a moment, giggling happily with a few loud ‘yay’s, not missing the Doctor’s fond smile.

“But you gotta catch me first” You decided, running over to where he had his books lain out. He frowned suddenly as he turned to watch you.

“What?” He frowned, looking like he’d just realized you weren’t the angel you could pretend to be.

“You heard me! Catch me if you can!” With that, you turned and took off out the library door and down the hall. The Doctor followed immediately calling after you in fear that you’d get lost. You simply giggled, turning down another hall.

“(Y/N)! Hold on! Ow!”

You paused with a small frown, peeking back around the corner. The Doctor was currently stumbling about with a hand on his head, muttering to himself. You couldn’t help but giggle when you realised what had happened. He ran into the wall again. He turned quickly when he heard you laughing, spotting you just around the corner.

“Ha!” He cried, pointing to you like his finding you was a great accomplishment.

“Doc-tah, you know that wall has always been there. I don’t know why you have so much trouble with it” You told him in your best impression of your sarcastic, adult self. He paused before floundering a bit, eventually settling with glaring at you, which only made you giggle again to annoy him further.

“That’s it, you” He announced, scooping you up. You frowned, swinging your legs out in an effort to be put down. He flailed a moment and you thought he might drop you. On one hand, that was what you wanted, on the other hand, the Doctor was quite tall… You promptly ceased kicking but that threw him off almost as much as before. You grabbed at his jacket securely, huffing in annoyance.

“You’re gonna drop me” You complained.

“I would not” He shot back, staring down at you like he was offended.

“This is why I never let you hold that baby your friend had when we visited last week” You told him.

“Oh stop it” He huffed. “I can’t deal with this when you’re an adult. I don’t need to be sassed by a four-year-old”

“Yes you do” You shot back childishly, poking your tongue out for good measure. He stuck out his tongue back at you before placing you back down. The Doctor had managed to get you into another room that greatly resembled a large theatre room. You gaped at the huge screen a moment before looking back up at him.

“Come on then, movie, then you let me alone to work, deal?” He asked you, taking your hand to sit you down in one of the long rows of seats.

“Deal!” You agreed excitedly, jumping up. “Thank you Doc-tah!” You stood up on your seat to reach him properly as he sat beside you, wrapping small arms around his neck in the biggest hug you could currently manage. He chuckled and patted your back lightly in return.

“Your welcome (Y/N)” He responded as you sat back down. You grinned up at him and he laughed at the tiny curl that fell into your eyes. He’d never much thought about his companions as kids. But he knew he was going to have a good amount of trouble with you before you grew up again. All the same, should be good fun. He wrapped and arm over your small shoulders to pull you to his side as you called out a movie idea to the Tardis and the screen started up. Yeah, this could be fun.

[sc87confessions]

It all started in....Dallas.

Alright y’all I’m starting a fanfic, bear with me please as I’ve NEVER done any of this stuff so if y’all have any suggestions, I’d appreciate it! This is a Sidney Crosby fanfic, with a few cameos from others like the Dallas Stars here and there. The beginning will be different than what you expect! Here we go!

 text

Ty: Hey so you comin or not?

You: Ty I just got out from a TWELVE hour shifr the last thing I wanna do is go out

Ty: cmON! The boys miss you, shit I miss you

Anddddd, youre fave is here too, which is me lol jk

You: *Your

             You wish lol, who are you talkin bout?

Ty: ughh me lol, for real tho come out for a little bit

You: FINE, only for a little bit, plus I have great news so I guess I can celebrate with y’all for bit!

Ty: fuck yes! What is it?

You: I’ll tell you there

Ty: no now!

You: Negative

But you’ll be the first to know

Pinkkky promise Ty!

Ty: fuck fine

As long as you get here at Dalia’s asap

end text

  Ughhhh I really don’t want to especially because all I want to do is go home and just crash on my big comfy bed with my baby. But since I missed the guys too and couldn’t wait to tell them the great news I had to suck it up this time.

“Look who finally showed up!” Jamie said as soon as I walked in

“Cmon Jamie, your boytoy decided to tell me last minute” I smirked as Tyler flipped me off

“Heyyyy (Y/N)!” yelled out the other Stars in unison

“So whats the good news?!” Tyler asked as discreetly possible but pretty much failed

“Actually GREAT news Ty but aren’t y’all first goin to introduce me?” I told him

“My bad, hey guys this is a dear friend of mine, excuse me ours (Y/N)” Ty said

Holy shit its the Pens act normalllllllll

“Nice to meet you” they all waved

I decided to sit next to Ty who I feel most comfortable with but when I turned there was Sidney and Evgeni lookin at me like I was from another planet, especially Sidney

“So whats the news?” Ty insisted

“Im off probation” I whispered as low as possible

“I told you! WOOWW congrats!” Tyler yelled makin’ everyone curious

“Alrighy y’all” I said outloud as I stood up from my chair to get attention

“After a year of hard work, sweat, tears and literally blood, I’m officially off probation and got that offer in Pittsburgh!!” I said excitedly

“Fuck yeah” “This calls for shots” “Or just more beer because I’m getting old” was all murmured by different guys

 The look on the dallas boys faces was filled with joy and so was the Pens but most of them looked confused

 Tyler and I kept chatter talking about our babies aka our dogs

I noticed Evgeni and Sidney talking low until I heard Evgeni call my name

“Ughhhh (Y/N) right?” Evgeni assured

“Yeah, hey its really nice to meet y’all”

“You too! Not to snoop but what probation are you off from?” Evgeni asked as nicely as possible

I looked at him a little confused

   “Fuck Geno, nooo” Sidney said quickly, Tyler was listenin in like the nosy guy that he is

“HAhaha, Geno she’s not what you think” Tyler chimed in

“VVVatt do you mean?” Geno asked

“She’s a…..can I tell them?” Tyler asked and I quickly nodded because I still wasn’t sure what Geno meant

“She’s a cop bro” Tyler said proudly loud enough for everyone to hear  

ooohhhh so thats why they looked confused

Geno and Sid looked at each other like they couldn’t believe what they’d just heard

“Whatttt” the Pens asked me

“yES! Jeez y’all thought I was a criminal or somethin?!” I managed to ask because I was laughin too hard

“Explain please” said Geno

“Guys haha, I was on probation for a year to see if I’d make it to be an official cop” I told them

“Wait, how you know them??” Geno said, referring to the Dallas players

“You date him?” he pointed to Tyler, causin Sid to pay more attention

“HAHA no, that boat sailed” I replied as Tyler flipped me off again

 “She used to work with us for PR but somehow got sick of us and joined the academy to be a cop” Tyler said sarcastically

“I always wanted to work in sports, thankfully I got a job offered here. I’m originally from California but moved to Dallas and worked here for about 2 years. But I ended up wanting to do something more for others and myself so I joined the academy to be a cop” I added.

  “But you so tiny no offense” said Geno innocently

“Dont underestimate her Geno, she’s worked extremely hard to be where she’s at, she takes boxing classes and is usually always the first to arrive and last to leave in her training” Tyler said

“Wow, who would’ve thought” Sidney said beamingly

“Too bad she’s leavin us for you guys eh” Tyler said sadly

   “Explain please” said Geno

“Well I got a few offers here and there from other places because there wasn’t an open position that I wanted here, it was either Pittsburgh, New York or ugly ol’ Florida haha” “So I chose Pittsburgh, I’ll move there in a few weeks”

“Nice! You can come see us play” Geno said “Well when you not busy” he added

 After a few celebration drinks and random cake that said congrats Sidney and I ended up being quiet as everyone else talked with each other

 “Sooo Pittsburgh huh?” Sid asked awkwardly

“Yeah Pittsburgh” I repeated

“Are you excited?” Sid

  “Yeah I can’t wait! Just a little nervous”

“Why?”

  “Well Im movin to another state on my own and I have to learn all the streets like the back of my hand, plus what if the department doesn’t think I am what they thought I’d be. Im movin farther away from home and this home too. Im gonna miss everyone” I said as I got a little teared up

“Hey hey, look I don’t know you but I can tell you have a lot of potential plus you seem like you know what you’re doing, they’re going to love you” Sid consoled me enthusiastically

  “Thanks Sidney” I said more calmly did he just make me calm down quickly

“Anytime, plus I think you should see us play too, we’re a little bit more better than Dallas” he said jokingly but serious

“What are you smiling about Sid, that’s a first haha” Phil said teasingly causin Sidney to glare at him a bit

It had started getting late as the boys all started leavin one by one, especially the Pens as they had an early flight back home

I started gatherin my stuff as Ty, Jamie and I were leavin together, as we left Tyler was givin me a look

“What now TY?”

“He wouldn’t stop starin at you” he said chuckling

“WHO?”

“Like always you nevverrrr notice”

“Cut to it, who?!” I asked aggressively but playfully smackin him

“Fuck for a short girl you’re strong when youre not even trying, Sid, he kept side eyein you”

“Shut up”

“No for real, Geno and Phil were teasin him about it”

“But why?”

“Uhmm because you’re you, cmon (Y/N) you know youre beautiful and Im sure he thought so too”

“Whatever Ty” I said just as Sid and Geno were comin out

Sid looked like he was blushin while Geno and Phil were crackin up

“So we would loOOvvve for you to come to a game” said Phil lookin at me and lookin at Sid which caused Sid to blush more

 “Yeah well once I get settled in out there I’ll be more than happy too!”

“Eww you better not cheer for them” Ty said in a playful but serious tone

 “Hate to break it to you Ty but I am the law now hahhaha”

“Fuckkk you haha” “Well guys it was great playin against you but Im really tired and Im out aha”

“Same here, we’re out early tomorrow” said Phil

As the guys left they all gave me a hug, Geno told me to call him Geno, and Sid’s hug was awkward

As I finally went home I had a lot on my mind but couldn’t wait to knock out...it all started in Dallas

[the-cryptographer]

My tiny yugioh shrine - before and after pics. The Jounouchi figure still up top, holding a chain and ready to shank you with a scapegoat~ But I thought I’d zoom in so we could see my BEAUTIFUL NEW ISHTAR SIBS CLEARFILE INSTEAD~

I thought my shrine was getting a little too shippy. And especially a little too shippy in the absence of Mai. WHERE IS ALL THE KUJAKU MAI MERCHANDISE?! i need it pls, thx. But, anyhow~ I bought the Ishtar clearfile off of auction. And I thought it might be an old one, but on the back is actually a logo for the 20th anniversary of ygo, last year in 2016. And they weren’t even really in the movie, so now I’m wondering maybe there is also the chance of some recent Mai merchandise out there, hmm, so she will properly be represented in my collection >3>

But yeah, this is just by the exit to my room so i can stop by before i leave for the day and, offer coins or pieces of fruit or whatever and pray at my card game based alter, and maybe then Jounouchi’s good luck will rub off on me a little~

...

And there’s also a gore version of the shrine, but I usually keep that picture in the back so visitors don’t think i’m a creep. i guess i’ll put this picture in the front if i ever decide to host ritualistic demon summonings in my room or smthn~

(Both prints are from toxicosis by the way.)

Doujinshi are in another location. And I was only going to talk about my stupid ygo bookshelf shrine thing today, but then my doujin shipment came in and I decided FUCK IT i will brag about my crippling lack of impulse control cool swag all at once if i want to... Under the cut-

@battymarionette

If you remember this one~

tdah~ Basically it seems like a Kaiba Corp has put out a game, some kind of ridiculous fantasy RPG where Atem is some kind of Ron the Death Eater villain and Jou may or may not be the princess or smthn. And Mokuba invites Jounouchi over to play it or playtest it or something of that nature. Which seems like as good a premise as any for this kind of thing. And it’s got all the cute platonic Joukuba vibes which is a plus~

But yeah, Jounouchi goes over to Mokuba’s place, has some kind of fight with Seto, and some kind of conversation with Atem, and Mokuba’s kind of confused or upset about something, and then Jou gets all cute and announces that he and Kaiba are dating~ which i’m pretty sure Seto didn’t want Mokuba knowing about or whatever~

But, see, now I’m making this doujin sound sweet when, to be really blunt, i didn’t like it. At some point Seto slaps Jounouchi across the face for something.

I guess I shouldn’t pass judgement when I can’t even read the moon runes that explain why this has happened, but- no. (I’m trying to articulate. It’s not that I think Jou and Seto are incapable of being violent with one another (jfc how hypocritical would it be of me) but there’s something about the whys and the hows~? in my mind, Seto doesn’t gets hands on with that kind of thing unless it’s landing a measured martial arts blow in self defense, or lashing out from a place of extreme vulnerability - the kind that involves him being five seconds away from curling up in a ball of self-protection. So... Seto being collected and composed and instigating violence on Jounouchi’s triggers all my ‘no’ responses. And I also doubt Jounouchi would take that kind of thing without complaint, unless he was actually raving or spiraling and it was, like, a calm-the-fuck-down slap. I think he would definitely retaliate with shouting and intimidation, if not a physical blow. With Jounouchi it’s a little harder for me to define what would prompt physical violence, partly because i think his idea of what violence is is narrower than mine, and doesn’t include things like grabbing somebody’s jacket collar and shaking them around. But, hmm, I think by the time he’s through canon he doesn’t exactly break out the fistcuffs lightly.)

The point was that this doujin made it to the top of my shit list very fast. And I was concerned because, see, I had been avoiding buying KaiJou (in that order) doujins because most of them kind of do this thing to me and completely miss the glass cannon type of volatile fragility I see as being kind of central to Kaiba’s character. But then I caved and ordered a whole bunch. But, actually, I was pleasantly surprised by the other couple of ones I bought, so maybe the curse has finally lifted~ I liked this one in particular-

But, tbh, it also knew the way into my heart~

The way into my heart is Wheeler siblings :x

@rainstormcolors

First of all, I got POLARIS and it was good!

I don’t know what to share about it other than that because it was mostly porn. But I felt like it was kind of sweet and sentimental and Kaiba and Atem going on silly dates at the beginning with gorgeous background details. Also they sit on the throne together at the end and look very in love teehee~

But, yes, thank you for reccing~ I enjoyed a lot~!

BUT- !!! More importantly this finally came in the mail!

To answer your question, it’s a normal rivalshipping anthology. 112 pages, comics and fic~ Exciting things happen like Yuugi and Kaiba playing twister~

And in another story they’re out travelling and having punishment games of some sort and Yuugi gets a beard painted on his face~

AND HIS MOM OMG!! I love when odd characters cameo in my doujins. I think you can tell~

But, no, I lied- I addition to the anthology I got all this other stuff too~

I don’t know. There’s a set of tiny playing cards you have to disentangle. Some have exciting images.

Notably Jounouchi and Atem are the jokers, heh~

I still haven’t checked out the CD. This is a very rushed post where I don’t attempt to read things carefully or any of that~ But it comes with a manual with a bunch of character avatars - lots of expressions for Yuugi and Kaiba, as well as one avatar each for Jou, Anzu, baby Seto, Kisara, and BEWD. So I think it may be a visual novel of sorts. Undetermined~

So now you’ll know what you’re getting if you decide to order, in theory at least. I’m not sure because I bought this off the author’s BOOTH, so idk if the extra merchandise is limited in any manner or if toranoana only sends part of it(?)

ugh, let’s see.

I also got another anthology- a Yuugi-centric one.

It’s mostly rivalshipping, which I’d expect. rivalshipping is really popular in the jp fandom. but, tbh, i enjoyed the more odd ships more-

Like Juudai/Manjoume/Yuugi... Kaiba walks in on the Kohais basically crushing yuugi with love after this it’s so cute~

And Otogi/Yuugi. Ah~ I love the DDM chapters in the manga and how softly Otogi warms up to Yuugi~

A Duel Monsters themed art book I spent too much on~ I’m ashamed to say I don’t recognise a whole lot of the cards

but you’ll recognise Yubel, perhaps~

or the lady that Y!Bakura crossdresses as ;)

and there were quite a few dark magician girls and blue eyeses.

from another illustration book~

and i found a couple of apprenticeshipping doujins on BOOTH, but none of them wow-ed me really~

although I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how Mana inherited the Ring in manga canon. I feel like there are things to consider here. This picture struck me as a result.

Alright~ And now for my favourites~

OMG! A WHOLE DOUJIN ABOUT MALIK AND HIS SIBLINGS!!! I think this one was a predictable fave. I loved it so, sooo much. I was absolutely filled with quality Malik and Rishid moments.

EVERYONE IS SO CUTE!!

Malik and Rishid go biking and run into Mai which is very !!!

There are vacation photographs~

It looks like Malik tries to feed Ra a revival slime and gets eaten himself. I don’t know. But it was good. I’m so happy~ Ishtar family doujins. My life is complete. not really. i can’t die until i finish my fics.

Okay, but my other fave I didn’t see coming at all.

I don’t ship this! I shouted into the void. But nobody really believed her, not even herself. It’s too late for me. I’m just multiship trash. I will ship anything you put in front of me...

Okay, but the real reason I decided to get this was because of this preview panel. Of course I knew it was puzzlleship. But actually I love Mana and vaseshipping for reals. And this was so cute and the art was so pretty I thought- We might as well check the rest of it out~ (the idea of top!Yuugi didn’t hurt either...)

And then jackels happened~ And this kind of ethereal magic stuff~

There was some confusion I think with the cultural imagery in the doujin. Some of it looked vaguely Indic to my untrained eye but- I don’t know what to say, the art was so gorgeous and detailed.

And the smut was all facials and frot so obviously the doujin artist has my gd number, smh.

And Jou appeared near the end, looking amazing, and Jou is automatically about +50 points for any doujin.

I don’t know what to say. Very nice. Would recommend.

Also- just fyi- I do buy doujins for things that aren’t ygo. pls forgive my focus on my ygo obsession tho.

I’m really glad I stumbled across this in the hetalia tag~

And there’s a picture of Tifa being so bad at games at the golden saucer that Nanaki, who doesn’t even have opposable thumbs, can defeat her in PvP. Beautiful~

[wendyimmiller]

‘Martha Knows Best’ Is Not Great. It’s Not Even a Good Thing.

So, it’s come to this.

As a nation, we are so starved for American garden programming that we are willing to accept that a woman worth over $620 million dollars, stuck for 82 days on her 153-acre estate in Bedford, NY; with her gardener, one of her housekeepers, and one of her drivers; and joined as needed by groundskeepers and their foreman, is going to fill that need and leave us hungry for another season of down-to-earth gardening advice.

So starved, that we are willing to accept HGTV promos that tell us that this immaculately dressed and fully made-up celebrity, sans sweat, sans grimy hands, and sans, apparently, a production assistant to create some small illusion of same, is relatable; and “puts the G back in HGTV.”

So starved, that we are willing to overlook her frequent – and historical – transposition of the pronouns “I” and “they” when discussing the nitty-gritty of projects undertaken on that 153-acre estate.

So. Starved.

Six episodes worth of gilded crumbs. And I’m afraid this gardener has lost her appetite.

It’s not about the money…

Perhaps the best way to launch into my review [and accompanying visual aids] of the first season of HGTV’s Martha Knows Best, (which I watched in its entirety after Susan’s recent review here) is to make it perfectly clear that I have no problem with the [legal] accumulation of wealth.

What wrestling a tiller really looks like.

I have no problem, as it were, with the wealthy.

You earned it. You spend it.  Martha Stewart is not just an extraordinary business woman, but a talented creative with an expert eye sharpened over many years.

She also has the genius to recognize, nurture, and promote that spark in other creatives.

If she insists that the 1000+ containers on her property be of the same color family (stone, concrete or marble), and never wishes to see an artistic vegetable in a flower arrangement, and lines utilitarian pathways to peacock enclosures with cut blocks of granite, who am I to criticize her from enjoying the whims that whacking great wads of cash can indulge?

I’ll have to tell my insanely talented friend Louisa Zimmermann-Roberts at Thanksgiving Farms in Frederick, MD, that her summer arrangement of Swiss chard, sweet pea, red raspberries, grapes eggplant, okra, chives, black-eyed peas and banana leaves is not officially sanctioned. She’s going to take it really well.

If I lived across the street as one of her “very many fancy neighbors” I would raise a glass to her abilities at the neighborhood block party, and conscientiously ask her advice when it came to pairing champagne and stemware for a well-lubricated celebrity crowd of twenty on a Saturday night.

I might even ask which echeveria to use in the tablescape.

Wickedly, I’d also try to tempt her hardworking gardener, Ryan McCallister, to cross the street and become my personal gardener.  My current gardener, Cutout Andy (though versatile and well-traveled), doesn’t have the same twinkle in his eye.

Cutout Andy and I discussing plans for the garden.

All this to say, I respect what she has achieved and have no desire to set up a mini-guillotine in the exquisitely designed cobblestone courtyard of her horse stables. I won’t even debate aspects of her gardening advice.  Susan did that already.

I also respect the fact that she is a 79-year-old woman who is a damn sight more active than your average 79-year-old American.

Let Them Eat Cake

What I don’t respect however, is this laughable attempt to appear ‘relatable’ as someone who is just like me, or like 99% of the gardening public.

I don’t respect the producers of this show having so little awareness of the current suffering going on throughout the country that they felt that a conspicuous display of fabulous wealth could feed the public’s very real (and in many cases, economic) need for gardening advice.

At a certain point it goes from being laughable, to being downright offensive. From the intro:

“I’ve lived on this farm for about 17 years. And like you I’m spending more time at home than ever before.  So I’m going to take you behind the scenes as I do my gardening projects. I’m going to help my celebrity friends. And surprise new gardeners.”

Here’s one of my gardening projects – Endlessly Weeding. On my knees. On my own. And I’m one of the lucky ones.

It must be horrific to spend 82 days on 153 acres. With a modified staff.

What about 82 days on a tenth of an acre (like my last house)?  What about 82 days in an apartment with a philodendron?

Uhhh….there’s a pandemic going on?

We have been six months at this pandemic.  After years in cramped quarters, I now live on ten beautiful acres in a four-bedroom house. And I’m ready to bury my husband’s work-from-home body in a remote corner of the property at this point.  It might even be classified as a COVID death.

And no doubt my husband feels the same way.

And yet, every evening of this mess, when I watch the news and see cities in such turmoil, I think of my 10×12′ apartment in New York, when I was 100% dependent on food service jobs and student loans to make my bills.

Each and every morning when I walk through the garden I think of our little upstairs flat in Southeast London when my son was a toddler, and how desperate I was for more than a window box and a few pots by the door.

My very first vegetable garden – a 2x17ft unpaved strip in the parking lot outside our tiny apartment in Southern California. (Photo from Big Dreams, Small Garden, 2017)

And each morning I am deeply grateful for the space around me, and painfully aware that others are struggling in this pandemic under terrible conditions with no end in sight.

No awareness from Hollywood apparently.  Or from Bedford.

“When the pandemic started and quarantine became de rigueur,” says Stewart, “I invited Ryan, my gardener, I invited Carlos, one of my drivers, and one of my housekeepers Elvira, to stay with me during this time.”

Quarantine.  De rigueur.  Alrighty then. So is a floor length gown at a debutante ball Martha. But okay, we’ll just go with it.

Lost in Translation

And if you didn’t study French in high school and are currently running to Google Translate – keep the tab open. To Martha, soil that is ready for planting does not resemble a palm full of pastry dough, but pâte brisée.

It’s actually an excellent analogy that falls short in its delivery. As does dropping mise en place to describe setting gardening tools in place for a project.

While you’re at it, you might want to check out  Île de la Cité, where Martha gets “all her seeds.”

No Chanel or Dior for this everyday gardener when she arrives in Paris, she tells us, but straight to those lovely little seed markets.

I didn’t want to bring Marie and her cake into this, but damn.

My husband and I on our way to the seed markets. Regrettably he had to drive us due to some staffing issues.

I remark upon these Gallicisms as someone with five years of French under her belt, a fair amount of experience in the kitchen and garden, and an unfortunate history of dropping sans into conversation, but a young, beginning American gardener doesn’t know her pâte brisée from her pot of ease-ay.

99.9% of low or middle-income gardeners are not jetting to Paris for their seeds and will probably see what’s available at local garden centers before they consider even splurging on shipping fees for online sources, no matter how wonderful they are.

I know I did.

And here. Here is the issue.  Pretending that this is a gardening show instead of a celebrity reality show.

The wonderful thing about Cutout Andy is that he is so incredibly portable.  Here he is on his way to help my mother in her garden in California.

Just Ask Martha

A few moments of FaceTiming Mitch in Lemoore, California about soil preparation for his carrots; or telling Maggie in Mississippi that she needs “ferns” for the north side of her shady house; or letting Karlin from Florida in on the not-so-little secret that she needs a coop for her ducks to keep them safe from predators; does not constitute ‘hanging with the little people.’

Especially after each performs the requisite sycophantic prelude before speaking to “the Gardening Queen Herself”

Maggie:  “I almost started crying but I did keep it together.”

And then there are the celebrity cameos.  Hailey Bieber needing dog grooming tips. Jay Leno showing us the kitchen in his garage and asking what a pomegranate is. Zac Posen telling Martha he’s been gardening since March in Bridgehampton.

“Well. It’s SOOO easy to garden in the Hamptons” she laughs.

I’ll just leave that right where it fell.

Cutout Andy taking a few moments away from digging out a new pathway to enjoy a warm tomato from my mother’s garden.

I made my life-long gardening mother watch two episodes with me.  When Martha begged Snoop Dogg to join her in Maine on her 63-acre estate, Skylands, for her next party post-COVID, Mom turned to me with a puzzled look on her face. “It’s like digging your heel into somebody’s face.” She said quietly.  “I’d be embarrassed to say that.”

Even if I gave millions of dollars to charities each year – as no doubt Martha does – I would too.

To his credit, a tee-shirted Richard Gere sat cross-legged and underneath a tree in his father’s average suburban garden where he grew up – even if they spent the entire time discussing the shade beds at his exclusive Relais & Châteaux establishment, The Bedford Post Inn.  He almost seemed a little embarrassed.

Perhaps we have his friendship with the Dalai Lama to thank for that.

She knows her stuff. But she’s forgotten her audience.

Martha’s smart. She’s exceptionally talented. She built an empire.

But she is not the person to put the G back in HGTV.

Those are people like Joe Lamp’l on Growing a Greener World, or Nan Sterman in A Growing Passion, or or down-to-earth influencers like Erin Schanen (www.impatientgardener.com) or Doug Oster (www.dougoster.com), or Ron Finley (www.ronfinley.com) who show you the trials, tribulations and glorious successes without the catchy music and celebrity friends.

Ron Finley of South Central L.A., an activist gardener who has changed thousands of lives by inspiring people living in the food deserts of inner cities to garden (Source: www.RonFinley.com)

For advanced gardeners who have yet to watch ‘Martha Knows Best,’ do. I’d like to know what you think.

But if you’re a brand-new gardener – look to the shows, feeds and podcasts of those who garden with the resources and in the region that you do. I guarantee you there are hundreds on YouTube.

Or, depart these shores altogether and take advantage of UK programming that still respects its population enough to provide polished and professional gardening programs to inspire everyday gardeners, such as Charlie Dimmock’s new endeavor, Garden Rescue, classic episodes of Ground Force, or Monty Don and others truly getting their hands dirty in BBC Gardener’s World. (Please leave your suggestions in the comments for excellent gardening programming in other parts of the world.)

Martha Knows Best is not a gardening show. It’s a celebrity reality show that takes place outside. And in the middle of a pandemic, when millions are out of work, businesses are shuttered, and large segments of the population are watching their future dreams for even a modest home and garden sabotaged by something completely out of their control, we deserve better.

Let’s hope HGTV digs a little deeper and finds it.

  ‘Martha Knows Best’ Is Not Great. It’s Not Even a Good Thing. originally appeared on GardenRant on September 10, 2020.

The post ‘Martha Knows Best’ Is Not Great. It’s Not Even a Good Thing. appeared first on GardenRant.

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[turfandlawncare]

‘Martha Knows Best’ Is Not Great. It’s Not Even a Good Thing.

So, it’s come to this.

As a nation, we are so starved for American garden programming that we are willing to accept that a woman worth over $620 million dollars, stuck for 82 days on her 153-acre estate in Bedford, NY; with her gardener, one of her housekeepers, and one of her drivers; and joined as needed by groundskeepers and their foreman, is going to fill that need and leave us hungry for another season of down-to-earth gardening advice.

So starved, that we are willing to accept HGTV promos that tell us that this immaculately dressed and fully made-up celebrity, sans sweat, sans grimy hands, and sans, apparently, a production assistant to create some small illusion of same, is relatable; and “puts the G back in HGTV.”

So starved, that we are willing to overlook her frequent – and historical – transposition of the pronouns “I” and “they” when discussing the nitty-gritty of projects undertaken on that 153-acre estate.

So. Starved.

Six episodes worth of gilded crumbs. And I’m afraid this gardener has lost her appetite.

It’s not about the money…

Perhaps the best way to launch into my review [and accompanying visual aids] of the first season of HGTV’s Martha Knows Best, (which I watched in its entirety after Susan’s recent review here) is to make it perfectly clear that I have no problem with the [legal] accumulation of wealth.

What wrestling a tiller really looks like.

I have no problem, as it were, with the wealthy.

You earned it. You spend it.  Martha Stewart is not just an extraordinary business woman, but a talented creative with an expert eye sharpened over many years.

She also has the genius to recognize, nurture, and promote that spark in other creatives.

If she insists that the 1000+ containers on her property be of the same color family (stone, concrete or marble), and never wishes to see an artistic vegetable in a flower arrangement, and lines utilitarian pathways to peacock enclosures with cut blocks of granite, who am I to criticize her from enjoying the whims that whacking great wads of cash can indulge?

I’ll have to tell my insanely talented friend Louisa Zimmermann-Roberts at Thanksgiving Farms in Frederick, MD, that her summer arrangement of Swiss chard, sweet pea, red raspberries, grapes eggplant, okra, chives, black-eyed peas and banana leaves is not officially sanctioned. She’s going to take it really well.

If I lived across the street as one of her “very many fancy neighbors” I would raise a glass to her abilities at the neighborhood block party, and conscientiously ask her advice when it came to pairing champagne and stemware for a well-lubricated celebrity crowd of twenty on a Saturday night.

I might even ask which echeveria to use in the tablescape.

Wickedly, I’d also try to tempt her hardworking gardener, Ryan McCallister, to cross the street and become my personal gardener.  My current gardener, Cutout Andy (though versatile and well-traveled), doesn’t have the same twinkle in his eye.

Cutout Andy and I discussing plans for the garden.

All this to say, I respect what she has achieved and have no desire to set up a mini-guillotine in the exquisitely designed cobblestone courtyard of her horse stables. I won’t even debate aspects of her gardening advice.  Susan did that already.

I also respect the fact that she is a 79-year-old woman who is a damn sight more active than your average 79-year-old American.

Let Them Eat Cake

What I don’t respect however, is this laughable attempt to appear ‘relatable’ as someone who is just like me, or like 99% of the gardening public.

I don’t respect the producers of this show having so little awareness of the current suffering going on throughout the country that they felt that a conspicuous display of fabulous wealth could feed the public’s very real (and in many cases, economic) need for gardening advice.

At a certain point it goes from being laughable, to being downright offensive. From the intro:

“I’ve lived on this farm for about 17 years. And like you I’m spending more time at home than ever before.  So I’m going to take you behind the scenes as I do my gardening projects. I’m going to help my celebrity friends. And surprise new gardeners.”

Here’s one of my gardening projects – Endlessly Weeding. On my knees. On my own. And I’m one of the lucky ones.

It must be horrific to spend 82 days on 153 acres. With a modified staff.

What about 82 days on a tenth of an acre (like my last house)?  What about 82 days in an apartment with a philodendron?

Uhhh….there’s a pandemic going on?

We have been six months at this pandemic.  After years in cramped quarters, I now live on ten beautiful acres in a four-bedroom house. And I’m ready to bury my husband’s work-from-home body in a remote corner of the property at this point.  It might even be classified as a COVID death.

And no doubt my husband feels the same way.

And yet, every evening of this mess, when I watch the news and see cities in such turmoil, I think of my 10×12′ apartment in New York, when I was 100% dependent on food service jobs and student loans to make my bills.

Each and every morning when I walk through the garden I think of our little upstairs flat in Southeast London when my son was a toddler, and how desperate I was for more than a window box and a few pots by the door.

My very first vegetable garden – a 2x17ft unpaved strip in the parking lot outside our tiny apartment in Southern California. (Photo from Big Dreams, Small Garden, 2017)

And each morning I am deeply grateful for the space around me, and painfully aware that others are struggling in this pandemic under terrible conditions with no end in sight.

No awareness from Hollywood apparently.  Or from Bedford.

“When the pandemic started and quarantine became de rigueur,” says Stewart, “I invited Ryan, my gardener, I invited Carlos, one of my drivers, and one of my housekeepers Elvira, to stay with me during this time.”

Quarantine.  De rigueur.  Alrighty then. So is a floor length gown at a debutante ball Martha. But okay, we’ll just go with it.

Lost in Translation

And if you didn’t study French in high school and are currently running to Google Translate – keep the tab open. To Martha, soil that is ready for planting does not resemble a palm full of pastry dough, but pâte brisée.

It’s actually an excellent analogy that falls short in its delivery. As does dropping mise en place to describe setting gardening tools in place for a project.

While you’re at it, you might want to check out  Île de la Cité, where Martha gets “all her seeds.”

No Chanel or Dior for this everyday gardener when she arrives in Paris, she tells us, but straight to those lovely little seed markets.

I didn’t want to bring Marie and her cake into this, but damn.

My husband and I on our way to the seed markets. Regrettably he had to drive us due to some staffing issues.

I remark upon these Gallicisms as someone with five years of French under her belt, a fair amount of experience in the kitchen and garden, and an unfortunate history of dropping sans into conversation, but a young, beginning American gardener doesn’t know her pâte brisée from her pot of ease-ay.

99.9% of low or middle-income gardeners are not jetting to Paris for their seeds and will probably see what’s available at local garden centers before they consider even splurging on shipping fees for online sources, no matter how wonderful they are.

I know I did.

And here. Here is the issue.  Pretending that this is a gardening show instead of a celebrity reality show.

The wonderful thing about Cutout Andy is that he is so incredibly portable.  Here he is on his way to help my mother in her garden in California.

Just Ask Martha

A few moments of FaceTiming Mitch in Lemoore, California about soil preparation for his carrots; or telling Maggie in Mississippi that she needs “ferns” for the north side of her shady house; or letting Karlin from Florida in on the not-so-little secret that she needs a coop for her ducks to keep them safe from predators; does not constitute ‘hanging with the little people.’

Especially after each performs the requisite sycophantic prelude before speaking to “the Gardening Queen Herself”

Maggie:  “I almost started crying but I did keep it together.”

And then there are the celebrity cameos.  Hailey Bieber needing dog grooming tips. Jay Leno showing us the kitchen in his garage and asking what a pomegranate is. Zac Posen telling Martha he’s been gardening since March in Bridgehampton.

“Well. It’s SOOO easy to garden in the Hamptons” she laughs.

I’ll just leave that right where it fell.

Cutout Andy taking a few moments away from digging out a new pathway to enjoy a warm tomato from my mother’s garden.

I made my life-long gardening mother watch two episodes with me.  When Martha begged Snoop Dogg to join her in Maine on her 63-acre estate, Skylands, for her next party post-COVID, Mom turned to me with a puzzled look on her face. “It’s like digging your heel into somebody’s face.” She said quietly.  “I’d be embarrassed to say that.”

Even if I gave millions of dollars to charities each year – as no doubt Martha does – I would too.

To his credit, a tee-shirted Richard Gere sat cross-legged and underneath a tree in his father’s average suburban garden where he grew up – even if they spent the entire time discussing the shade beds at his exclusive Relais & Châteaux establishment, The Bedford Post Inn.  He almost seemed a little embarrassed.

Perhaps we have his friendship with the Dalai Lama to thank for that.

She knows her stuff. But she’s forgotten her audience.

Martha’s smart. She’s exceptionally talented. She built an empire.

But she is not the person to put the G back in HGTV.

Those are people like Joe Lamp’l on Growing a Greener World, or Nan Sterman in A Growing Passion, or or down-to-earth influencers like Erin Schanen (www.impatientgardener.com) or Doug Oster (www.dougoster.com), or Ron Finley (www.ronfinley.com) who show you the trials, tribulations and glorious successes without the catchy music and celebrity friends.

Ron Finley of South Central L.A., an activist gardener who has changed thousands of lives by inspiring people living in the food deserts of inner cities to garden (Source: www.RonFinley.com)

For advanced gardeners who have yet to watch ‘Martha Knows Best,’ do. I’d like to know what you think.

But if you’re a brand-new gardener – look to the shows, feeds and podcasts of those who garden with the resources and in the region that you do. I guarantee you there are hundreds on YouTube.

Or, depart these shores altogether and take advantage of UK programming that still respects its population enough to provide polished and professional gardening programs to inspire everyday gardeners, such as Charlie Dimmock’s new endeavor, Garden Rescue, classic episodes of Ground Force, or Monty Don and others truly getting their hands dirty in BBC Gardener’s World. (Please leave your suggestions in the comments for excellent gardening programming in other parts of the world.)

Martha Knows Best is not a gardening show. It’s a celebrity reality show that takes place outside. And in the middle of a pandemic, when millions are out of work, businesses are shuttered, and large segments of the population are watching their future dreams for even a modest home and garden sabotaged by something completely out of their control, we deserve better.

Let’s hope HGTV digs a little deeper and finds it.

  ‘Martha Knows Best’ Is Not Great. It’s Not Even a Good Thing. originally appeared on GardenRant on September 10, 2020.

The post ‘Martha Knows Best’ Is Not Great. It’s Not Even a Good Thing. appeared first on GardenRant.

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